Yes, even though it might appear I just talk to only wives on the site, I actually talk to all parties, including the other woman. And today I would like to share and interesting perspective that has led me to understand why the OW calls and tells the wife in certain situations.
So here is a typical scenario. Husband and Wife get married. They have kids. Husband (I know wives cheat as well but just for example let’s use the husband) decides to cheat. Husband knows that he typically cannot go into a bar and say “Hi I am happily married to a wonderful wife, but I want to sleep with you.” (the only place that can happen is the Ashley Madison website). The husband knows that most women will not go for that as a pick up line.
So what many men strategically do is they paint the perfect story for the OW. The most popular one to tell the OW is that they are ‘living together’ with their wife but separated. Another big lie the husband will tell the OW is my wife and I don’t get along, all she does is nag and complain (ironically then the husband comes homes and acts an ass on purpose in order to get the wife to ‘go there’ (it makes him feel better about cheating). Anyways, the cheater now has told this to the OW, and has to keep up the story. You see, constantly telling the OW that the marriage is over and the wife is a complaining nag makes the OW feel better. He is just telling her whatever he wants to hear so he can continue to get sex. And she believes him because she enjoys the companionship and wants to believe all the lies to make her feel better about what she is doing. How horrible of a person she would be to knowingly have sex with a married man. But if they are separated and the wife is a bitch, in the OW mind, it’s ok. In her mind, she believes the lies and thinks it’s only a matter of time before the husband leaves such a horrible wife.
Year 1 goes by. The husband doesn’t leave.
Year 2 goes by. The husband doesn’t leave.
At this point, the other women is like – ‘What the heck’? How long does it take for him to leave his wife. Who would stay with such a women that has put him through so much.
Meanwhile, in husband cheater land, he is having the best of both worlds, texting the OW he loves her because that is what she wants to hear, and meanwhile, tells the wife the same.
Then it happens. The OW wakes up and realizes that she is getting played. She thinks back to all the bullcrap the husband told her about how he is planning to leave, and two years, he is still in the same place he was. The OW starts putting on pressure for him to leave, nothing happens. Now the other woman is pissed. Two years of lies. Two years of being is a ‘relationship’. She is in love. He is in love with free sex for 2 years. He never ever had an intention to leave his wife. All the years of texts and telling you how he could not wait for both of you to be together more – all lies.
When the OW finally realizes this, she becomes upset, which turns into anger, and she now is out for revenge. So she picks up the phone, or sends an email (because of course our husbands have given the OW all access to this info) and tells all. Her feelings are hurt and now it’s time for someone else to be hurt. She tells the wife not out of compassion, she tells us because she wants to get revenge on the husband.
I know that this is not the only reason the OW tells the wife, but it’s the most common. I also understand that sometimes the woman knows she is sleeping with a married man and doesn’t want the husband to leave his wife (that is another blog post, at another time). Today I am just painting a picture of why the OW tells the wife.