Why do men have affairs? The different types of cheaters.

Why do men have affairs? While I can’t give you anything that will answer all of your questions, but I can provide you with my personal thoughts about the type of men who engage in affairs. Although society tends to put all cheaters in the same category, I don’t think this is accurate. There are differences in the types of affairs men have and differences in how men in these affairs react.

Here are my thoughts on the different types of cheaters.

1. The serial cheater: This type of man was cheating before the marriage and has continued to cheat repeatedly during the marriage. If your husband falls into this category, you might have found out about multiple affairs, not just one. When you bring up the fact that he is cheating, he doesn’t care; he will be with the other woman in a couple of days, and will think nothing of it. He takes absolutely no responsibility for cheating because he thinks he has a right to cheat. He will likely get offended that you are even snooping in his business (yes, his business, even though you are married).

2. The caught-up cheater: This type of cheater honestly never intended to mistreat his wife. He met someone he is compatible with (or, more commonly, reconnected with someone from his past), and getting companionship from someone else felt good to him. Soon, he finds himself spending more and more time with this “friend” until that time turns into something more intimate. He let the fantasy of being with another woman get him in a bad situation. Typically, these men understand that they’ve done something wrong, feel remorse, and want to heal their marriage.

3. The one-hit wonder: This is the cheater who goes out partying with friends and has sex with someone after having one too many drinks. Typically these men feel so bad that they run home and tell their wives right away and beg for forgiveness. They have never done such a thing before and literally beat themselves up after the fact.

4. The insecure cheater: This type of cheater is so low on self-esteem that he’s looking for praise from another woman. Men that lose their job, older in age are prime targets because they lost a part of their manhood and search for that feeling of accomplishment. When they find it (unfortunately in the form of a women), they keep pushing for more validation, which typically includes sex and spending time with the other woman (who is typically younger than he is, which is usually a huge prop to his ego). Although I don’t think this type of man typically intends to have an affair, once he gets that validation, he does not want it to end.

5. The online fantasy cheater: This is the husband who watches pornography online when you aren’t around, then escalates to chatting with women online and eventually trying to meet them in person for sex. This cheater literally gets addicted to the online world of sex, in all forms.

6. The purposeful cheater/bad boy cheater: This is the cheater who will make posts on websites that say things like, “I am married and looking for a woman to play with.”, or will sign up on a site for married men and women who are looking to have affairs, like ashelymadison.com. They have no shame in saying they are married and wanting to cheat.

7. The mental cheater: This type of cheater actually is so good at lying and manipulating, he often has entire lives with both you and the other woman. In fact, he may even be married to you and the other woman! He may also have kids with another woman, hidden bank accounts, and even another identity. He is so good at lying and covering up his other life that you probably had no clue he had one prior to finding out.

8. The “I found true love!” cheater: This type of cheater meets another woman and feels as though he has found his soul mate. He then gets caught up so quickly in this OW that he’ll often tell his wife about her and move in with the OW shortly after; sacrificing everything he has, leaving the wife devastated.

9. The persistent woman cheater: This kind of man gets caught in a situation where a woman is practically throwing herself at him. You husband responds by innocent flirting at first, but this women will not let it go, offering anything and everything she has, stopping at nothing to get your husband in bed. The husband knows the woman is crazy and that it’s not a good move to interact with her, but he caves and has an affair. This kind of cheater comes with an added stress for for a wife: if he eventually breaks off the relationship with the OW, and the OW goes psycho, calling the home, following you and the wife.

I am in no way excusing a cheater’s actions, even in the cases where a man doesn’t mean to cheat. I simply want to share my opinions about the different things that lead men to cheat and to show you that there is no one reason why all men cheat. I should also add that these types aren’t exclusive; for example, a man can be both an insecure cheater and a persistent woman cheater, or an online fantasy cheater and a bad boy cheater. When this happens, things can really get complicated.

62 thoughts on “Why do men have affairs? The different types of cheaters.”

  1. What should I do if I suspect my husband is a mental cheater? He compartmentslizes so much and I’m worried he’s living a complete separate life with another woman. He is also a ‘get over it’ guy. Where do I turn for help?

    1. Hello AnnieD,

      I think help depends if you are asking about helping yourself, your husband, or the marriage. As far as your husband, if you feel that he is living a complete separate life with another woman, he need professional help to try to understand why he is doing what he is doing. You are not going to be able to convince this type to get help, he has to see if for himself. It appears he is not ready for that stage right now as he is telling you to get over it, which is a way to sweep his accountability under the rug and allow him to potentially keep doing what he is doing. So only when he admits and accepts responsibility can you help him, trying to help him before that time will stress you out. So then if I were you, I would turn to myself and try to reflect and think about what you want to do next. Take your time and think about what you want for the next phase of your life and your marriage, and then let that be your guide for next steps in your life. Take Care.

  2. I think this is dead on!
    I believe my husband is the caught up cheater with a little of the insecure mixed in. He has re-conected with an old flame from 23 years ago and has been with her for over a year now. The woman is not even attractive! He left my daughter and I. He was the best husband anyone could have asked for until all this! I still have no idea how our life got this way. He acts like a total stranger. . . I don’t even know him anymore. He would have never let anyone treat me the way he has been over the past year. I am devestated and lost! I have been seeing a counselor but I still can’t let go. I won’t even go into how he dropped the bomb on me. . . it was a cowards act! I am having such a tough time with the holidays coming!

  3. Jewels, I think this is brilliant- it is the first time I have seen it put like this. My husband is a mix of the caught up cheater and unfortunately ended up with at persistant woman. I think many affairs are like this – in that many men will say it was for the sex or the high that it gave them to feel wanted and desired by someone other than their wife–but the OW seem to find themselves emotionally tied to the affair- some sort of false reality– and turn into persistant women that can’t let go when it ends. That is what happened in my situation. I know I am fortunate in the fact that my husband is doing everything he can in his power to right his wrong , save our marriage, and regain trust. Knowing what kind of cheater your husband is doesn’t make it any easier or less painful, but it gives you perspective on a bigger picture. All knowelege leads to strength , a sense of peace ,and self-worth–thank you for another tid bit of insight- you are amazing.

  4. Jewles, my husband is #4,5 &6. He did all to me and thought that it was just fun until it all blew up in his face. Now he is trying to correct what he has done but sometimes I still feel it will never be enough. I have had my guard up for 4yrs and want it desperately to come down. We don’t really talk about it which probably makes it worse. As I have told my story before he was an alcoholic during that time. I think really deep down I just want my 4yrs of my life back, and to not have those feelings of anger from time to time. It’s only been 5months now since his last cheating spell (online) and his drinking. I know I will get through it just like I have before. My question is how come it is so easy for the husband to just move on as if nothing happened. Do they really think if we don’t talk about it, it will just go away, but instead it just festers!

    1. Lizzie P – those old flames, it’s like they are trying to relive some part of their childhood (which is why the attraction part doesn’t matter, he is reliving his younger past, so looks don’t matter, I know it’s strange. I know you are still looking behind at what he did and what you could of had. Not sure what the counselor is telling you but what I would say is that you have to sort of turn your head forward, versus looking back. I know it’s tough, but it’s SO important to do that because you might be missing out on wonderful opportunities because your head is turned and you don’t even see it because you are so busy looking in the past. Let this holiday season be one of thinking about moving Lizzie’s neck forward, focusing on what Lizzie want’s for her future in the new year. That is a fun exercise and it will get you started in the direction forward, versus looking at that painful past.

      JB Thanks so much JB!! I am glad I didn’t have the persistent woman but now that I think about it, she wasn’t that way cause my darn husband kept seeing her. I think you are right about the OW, they really buy into the false sense of reality and the fantasy picture that our husbands paint. I hope your husband sees what type of woman she is through this, and that will bring the both of you closer together!

      LisaP – I remember you saying in an earlier post that prior to this, you and him did not argue prior to the affair, it was a very non-confrontational marriage. And I think that is his comfort, not talking, not bringing it up. Most men, including your husband don’t want to talk about it because it reminds them of the bad stuff they did. So by not talking, it makes them feel like everything is ok. The problem is as women, we need to express our feelings around what happened in order to help us heal, which lies the problem. Our husbands do not want to bring it up, and we need to talk about it to heal. I honestly think your husband absolutely feels that is you don’t talk about it for long, it will disappear and be a non-issue. But the irony is, in order for it to be a non-issue, we as women need to talk to our husbands about it. It’s such a complicated dynamic. Because you have been through so much betrayal for so long, I don’t think that guard will ever come down completely. Just know that whether you have your guard up or down is not going to make him cheat anymore or less. Meaning if a husband decides to cheat, if they are with a woman with their guard up, they will be more sneaky with their actions. I guess what I am trying to say is that your husband’s decision to cheat again or not is not based on having your guard up or down. In my opinion, having your guard up very high is a stress on you and your body, and while you never will have it completely down (especially without talking through it), what you can do is realize that his actions are not dependent on your guard being up, if he decides to be faithful, it is because he decides to be faithful, not because your guard was up so high. This might be an emotional safety blanket for you, something that makes you feel protected from your pain. Just giving you a couple of things to think about in your journey.

  5. Thanks Jewels. . . everytime I start thinking about how it used to be I say outloud to myself “Turn your neck” it does seem to help actually! I think it helps to keep me focused! I am trying to move on with my life and as soon as the divorce is final I think it will be easier. Right now I am just sort of stuck! I hate that feeling!

  6. Hi Ladies:

    This is not a forum I have ever thought i would be in but, here I am. Same boat–just found out (days ago) husband cheated, confirmed and verified thanks to
    the ‘record” button on a cell phone. Lost right now at the holidays, but taking this time for me to think and reflect what I really want after catching him. First, am I crazy to say that I feel like going crazy sexually on my husband after this(but now with a condom which will be totally wierd but mandatory)? Help please.

  7. wanda
    I doubt if any of us thought we be using this forum. I found out six weeks ago. Everyone here has advised me not to make any decisions so soon. I too wanted more sex after discovery. When I think about it was because of the range of emotions I was feeling and the natural sexual instinct was part of that. I’ve heard that during wartime, people have sex that wouldn’t under normal situations because of shock, fear etc. I’m no expert though. That feeling wore off for me. When you have time read the other women’s experiences but especially Jewels (the woman who began this support site) What she says is comforting because she’s been through this and sometimes when I thought I was insane, I found out my feelings are common to this situation. The one thing is to remember you are not alone.

  8. Wanda, Please also get tested for STD’s before you have sex again with your husband. So many women on this site have contracted something and others were very lucky and had nothing. The anger you feel is real and your em0tions will be all over the place this holiday. Just take it one day at a time. It took me a long time before I felt sane again. Depression, loss of appeitite, anger, sadness will hit you when you don’t expect it. Just take care of yourself and forget about his needs for now. You need to heal yourself first. Please read as much as you can on this site it will help you see how each of us has handled this problem.

    1. Wanda,

      You are so not crazy. I wanted the same thing. I agree with Jeannie, that animal sexual instinct comes out, we want to protect/secure our territory – our beast of a man…just joking. Sex is a way of security for us. It makes us feel that everything is ok. It’s a special bond. And when our husband cheats, we want to check and see if that bond is there, we want to secure it. I couldn’t have sex with my husband because I had my second child at the time, I had to wait a month and it was so frustrating. As soon as I could have sex I did, I needed to, and it felt great the first few times. But then I got depressed because after the first few times, it didn’t give me that security I was looking for. After that I let my emotions go wild and things went downhill, but I remember having a serious need to have sex with him. I made him use a condom, and I would advise you to do the same.

      The next month or two your mind will be filled with all types of emotions, you are not going to be able to calm them down, so just accept it, try to listen to the ones that are the loudest.

      1. Hello Joan,

        When will the pain end? It depends on several factors, and important one is the decision to stay or work on your marriage, it is often the most difficult decision you will face in your marriage. And since I don’t know all of the details (only you do), you will have to make that decision.

        If your husband is remorseful and is taking action towards working on the marriage, then you should give it a shot. You don’t want to leave saying what if…..so I think if you are out of the initial shock phase, you should think about what parameters you want the next phase of your marriage to be, and let your husband know what you need in order for the rebuilding of the marriage to be successful.

        If he is caught up and insecure, therapy might help him because he needs to have better confidence so that he will not be tempted.

        The other factor that will determine when the pain will go away is your personal ability to sort out your emotions, understand your emotions, and actually work on your personal recovery, which is often most neglected.

  9. I caught my husband sneaking out of the house at 1am to see his 28 yr old “friend”, he is 50. I pick him to be #2 and #4. He wants to work things out. I am so hurt over this. My feelings are all over the place. How long will it take me to get over this and should I give it a try. I love my husband very much. We still have a 10 yr old daughter at home.
    Confused and hurt!

  10. Jewels, Jeanne and Lisa P–Thanks for all your good insight with these cheaters.

    Lately, I have been going to therapy for all my emotions and feel this has helped tremendously. Now, the only issue I see is that this certified phd therapist does not have much to tell me on this matter and I feel i am ranting for an hour and exhausted. She hasn”t told me anything I didnt already know. What she tells me is that i am still in shock, I will go up and down with my emotions (sad, depressed, etc) and early in this i want to know everything of the mistress..everything but their sexual positions and other?? She said this was very typical of women who are cheated on. After the level of pain that I can take, I start to accept the affair.
    Lastly…then its my time to make a decision which way I will turn. With the cheater or away from the cheater.

    1. Hello Wanda,

      Sounds like you might need another therapist, and that is ok. I had a one hour session with one therapist, and it helped me tremendously, she even asked about past relationships and childhood and was trying to map correlations in my life to the affair and the way that I was behaving. It seems like your therapist might not have that level of depth that you need in order to progress. You stated earlier that therapy has helped tremendously. So maybe it’s one of those things where they helped you for the moment in time that you needed it, and that is wonderful. Now you are looking to go to the next step, which might mean you have outgrown the current therapist, I don’t know, it’s just my opinion :).

  11. Hi Ladies..
    I need a little advice..
    So my husband cheated got caught and we have been working on fixing the relationship. He cheated through texting and email relationships with multiple women.
    My situation now is, I monitor all his email without his permission. I asked him to give me his passwords but he told me that he didn’t need a mother to watch over him.. So in my mind that meant he was hiding something..
    I have been monitoring his email for 3 months now and I noticed at work that he emails quit often with his boss who is an attractive women. They are both writers so they write eachother lyrical emails about the day kinda flirty but nothing solid.. I also know that they go out to lunch together. The emails I guess can just be friendly since they are similar minded people but under the circumstances it makes me really nervous.
    I have guy friends and some times can be office flirty, and go out to lunch
    so I am guessing that is all it is..
    Can someone tell me if I am over analyzing the situation, I can’t confront my husband because then he will know I’m reading his email..
    Otherwise it seems like we are getting back on track..

  12. Jessie, I wouldn’t do say anything yet. It does seem like a little harmless flirting. I too monitor my husband emails and text since his affairs have been emotional and all online/cell phones. Just let him know if he crosses the line there will be no going back. Also ask him if he would like you flirting with co-workers other guys and see what he says. The answer will be NO, double standards as usual! Make it clear that if he is doing something he doesn’t want you to find out its cheating!

  13. Thanks Lisa, you helped me initially with this and I appreciate your advice.. I am going to keep monitoring, and I will probably be back for more advice if this escalates. I hope it’s just harmless flirting, and I am going to remind him that there are no 3rd chances here.. Thanks again..

    1. Jessie, I totally agree with LisaP. If you bring it up now, then you are the ‘crazy’ wife is going overboard when he is just having fun with a co-worker. Trust that the universe will let you know for sure what is going on. Cheaters basically deny everything until there is proof. I hope it is harmless as well, but I would wait until you have more info.

  14. i was given all my hubbys email passwords too by him..but guess what…he now has new ones with fake names..he uses them to go online & meet women..so i will never win with him..he made so many promises to do therapy,& etc..but he still has not done neither..now until this sept he is deployed again and i know he is cheating again..i just sent him a email telling him i got the seperation papers for him to sign..after 14 yrs i’ve had enough with all the lies & secret life he lives..

    1. Traci,

      New ones with fake names – I see where you are coming from. If can never force anyone to be honest, and nor should you. He is going to realize when it’s too late what he lost in you. There are many wives that are in the military on this site, so you are not alone, unfortunately.

  15. I found out my husband was cheating on me on Christmas day 2011. Wow what a present!….I had the initial come apart and then calmed down and decided to try and work through this mess and make our marriage work. We have been married 20 years with no major disagreements and he had always made me feel like I was a queen. He is in the military, he served a year in Iraq in 2004 and 9 months in Afghanistan in 2006. When he came back from Afghanistan he was very withdrawn but he went through things there that was horrible. Then we found out he had leukemia in April 2009….he did chemo for 24/7 to treat it….as of now he is leukemia free….the past 2 years I have spent alot of time away from him because of family matters at our home of residence. His affair started in November of 2011 and ended Christmas day. His reason was he felt that I didn’t love him anymore because I was spending so much time away. He is younger than me by 6 years and with all that has happened his male ego was at stake I guess. I will forgo all the details. We are trying to make our marrigae work. I have met and talked extensively with the OW. That has helped me put this puzzle back together. My husband and I talk daily about all that has happened and I know he truly loves me but it is so hard to keep the doubts and insecurities under control. I have good days and bad days. On the bad days all I want to do is cry and question why all this had to happen. I know we are both responsible for this happening up to the point of him crossing the line. From there it is all his fault and he does take the full responsibilty for it. After reading the above reasons for men cheating I think he is a #4 and a #9. The woman was looking for a sympathetic ear and after asking my husband if he had ever cheated on his wife and found out he hadn’t, I believe it became her goal to be the one to make this happen. Iam not sure this make any sense but I needed to vent somewhere and this seemed like a good place. Thanks for taking the time to read this and any comments are welcome.

    1. Hello Meema,

      Yes I can see #4 coming out as well. You do not have as much time to stroke his ego, so he finds someone to do that. It seems like you are working on your marriage, which is great. The think you have to think about is exploring with your husband how he can build his confidence up so that the minute that you have to attend to family, he does not feel the need to get his manhood validated. I think that would be a good discussion. You are still early in your recovery journey but you are wise. People always want what they can’t have, I can totally see the OW wanting him more after he said he never cheated. Life…..take care!

  16. Thanks Jewels for responding. I have been reading on this site about all day…I have about 4 pages of notes and questions for our next little chat. I need lots more answers. I think I am over the initial shock and ready to start the recovery. I have learned alot from all the posts I have read today. Thanks for starting this site and May God bless each of us as we travel this this horrible time.

  17. How long will it take me to get over the initial shock? It has been well over 6 weeks and I am still hurting really bad. I am so ready to start the recovery period but can’t get over the shock. My husband wants to work things out but I am having a difficult time forgiving. Please help!

    1. Hello Cathy/Meema,


      6 weeks, you are still in the devastation period. One reason that you have not started your journey is that you want it too bad, you are trying to force progress which actually prevents progress. So slow down, calm down, and accept where you are, accept your emotions and know that you are going to progress at the exact rate that you are suppose to, be easy on yourself, this takes much longer than you think. Forgiveness – that took me many months. You might be able to do it quicker but just realize that this is not a quick process, it is slow, take a step back and relax, once you do, I am sure you will proceed with ease.

      – Your welcome, no problem!

  18. Found out last week husband has been seeing someone since the summer. I had no clue. Still telling me they are just friends. OW has told me they are just friends. But other things that I have found out and pics leads me to believe it is more. He told me that he needed to hear that he was great and needed someone to reassure him that he was, I guess that macho man or whatever. He has started counseling on his own and I have been asked to come. I am just so shocked and hurt and I can’t even look at him when I see him. I just don’t know how I will be able to get over this. How can you try to move on with counseling if you are not sure you are getting the whole truth?

    1. Hello Sue,

      If you just found out a week ago the pain is very deep. If you do not feel like counseling at this time, I think it’s ok to state that. Just tell your husband that you are so emotionally out of sorts that you need some time to just think before counseling. He probably isn’t telling you everything. If you have seen things that lead you to believe more was going on than just friends. Men do not get friends to tell them they are the man, and for him to get counseling so soon is great, but also leads me to believe something more is going on with him and the OW. Tell him that you do not feel he is being honest, and tell him that you know more than he thinks. If he is still trying to hide or deny that is tough. Marriage recovery can’t happen without honesty. Maybe is is scared to tell you himself and that is why he is trying to use the counselor to help with the conversation, I am not sure. If your gut is telling you he is not telling the truth, then there might be something there. Like I said the counseling might be is way of trying to tell you more. Make sure you take care of yourself, and do what you feel will make you most comfortable. Take Care.

  19. Hi Meema: Just wanted u to know I too, found out 5 days before this Christmas (his affair) and my husband also just got back from Afghanistan 7 months ago. He still has a very difficult time adjusting to “normal family life”—but, this is
    NOT a free pass for him nor is it a valid excuse for his disgusting behavior and disrespect he has shown toward me. My issue still is that he travels…all the time…with the military, within the usa now and he is back with the same fellows he was with in Afghanistan. I know, these fellows, live online–and love it. No matter where they are, they look online for someone…either to meet locally or do facetime, skype or any other online photo/live crap they can find to satisfy their sexual sick needs. I wish you all the hope in the world w/your husband…i think
    mine is out there and too hard to reel in….take care of yourself and jewels told me one day when asked…”how do i know when to stay or leave?”…her answer was…”i loved myself more than i loved him”….that was so comforting and day by day I get a little stronger. I too spoke with the OW and it really gave me no consulation since i did not believe her as well. I am still soooo hurt and now really pissed off at him for causing so much pain to me….he couldnt be a gentleman and tell me and bow out gracefully…oh no…this one had to pay me back, i guess. still in limbo as what i am going to do but, all i think about daily is going to the gym, working w/a trainer and try to be the best i can—he has torn that down in me soo
    much (after learning of the affair) i dont know when i will ever recover from that alone. Anyway…ladies have a nice evening…I am without him in my bed! I am still waiting on blood tests to return…..next week….I might be crazy on here next wk–haha! Question….is there a way you can find out husband’s emails, texts? If anyone knows, please let me know….I dont trust him still. thanks!

  20. Here I am again! I am married to my highschool sweetheart so with time back then and a marriage of 30 years we have been together 37 years. I have written in other places in this blog and I do find comfort to know I am not the only. However, 30plus years, 3kids and I find out my husband has been having a 14yr. relationship! THAT I NEVER EVEN SUSPECTED! It took him 3 weeks of him trying to find the words (after he tried to tell me maybe he just didn’t love me anymore after dropping our 3rd at college). Some how he found it easier to destroy me so he could feel better and admit his infidelity. He travels and the OW home wrecker was content for 13plus to travel to his destinations have lust,passion w/my husband and leave him to come home to me and pretend all was right. Then she put pressure on. After weeks of her,no you,no her,no you. He did come back to me and because he is the only thing I know and I STILL love him we tried to survive. We made it thru the holidays and yes several times my fear of trust krept in but I loved him…we would prevail. Oh he too said check my phone,email ect. I did not want to live my life doing that I would “get thru”! Well, Sat. he took our boys snowmobiling and I looked in his brief case again not expecting to find anything…BAM! Hotel reciepts in her name from a week ago (business travel for both.gag!) then panies and bras in his suitcase a gift for her. He tried to deny it, but then he knew he had to admit. So here I am again feeling such pain. How can you hate someone so much but still love them too?! How do I become the stronger person since its 3am and I can’t even stop crying and will need to work in a few hours?! We can not afford 2homes and we live in a large house and just became “empty nesters” (little did I know that meant the father bird too!!) What do I do? Please help me as I don’t know what to do?

  21. Thanks for your comment Wanda…It has been a tough few weeks…I still have the trust issues…my husband is a recruiter so at least he is at home every night and he is not a computer whiz..thank goodness for that. I was concerned about STD’s and other thingsso he took it upon himself to make a doctor’s appointment for both of us to be checked…he stayed with me during the whole procedure(tests were all clear)…….he has made an appointment for us to see a marriage counselor….he has a work phone that I can’t monitor and I know that he can erase calls and texts but he brings it home and leaves it so I can check it out whenever I like…the first 2 weeks the OW would text him and as soon as he got the text he would call me and let me know what it said…he said he would not answer back and when he would come home he would have me send a message to her so she would know that I was reading them and I was the one answering them. She no longer sends messages or tries to contact him at all. I know we will never have our marriage back like it used to be but we have vowed to make it work and make new memories. I believe that God put us together and we let the devil get in to tear us apart, so we have got back on the right track of praying together. Marriage is hard when everything is going good but when either spouse slacks it don’t take much to tear it apart.

  22. Carrie, Iam sorry you found out your husband is still cheating. He has to give up that OW to be with you completely and if he cant then it’s up to you to choose what you want to do. He can not have both of you. Your going to question the last 14yrs of your life and all his actions. I too hated but loved my husband! Does he even understand what he is doing to you and his famil? Would he want you to do this to him? The answer is NO! Make him choose and then go with it. You have given him your life for the last 30yrs now it’s time to take you life back and be in charge of you! Tell him also that you are going to talk to an attorney (just to see his reaction) this will tell you what he wants to do, stay or leave. He will either beg you to work things out or just say ok. sometime we need to force a decision out of them when they are not ready to make one.

  23. Lisa P/Carrie

    Yep…the ‘attorney talk” is when he gets pissed off….at least i sparked a reaction…and days later he spoke of “wanting to work things out”…ha! Now the ball was in my court and i finally felt empowered for once, since d day! in florida,
    i will get (after 25 yrs of marriage) permanent alimony!! oh..he hated to hear that.
    Carrie….i too am an empty nester..hubby gone all the time. I would be devastated at the time (yrs) he has spent w OW and u had no idea! This is unbelieveable. How can these creeps have 2 or more beings and we not know it?????

  24. Wanda, Oh the Attorney talk! I love this one because really how did they think all this would end? We would be ok with the affair? Or be ok with and open marriage? Really what were these men thinking when it blows up in their face all their secrets? I just want to slap all these men upside the head and say what are you thinking! I still get frustrated when I see what these men keep doing too all of us. Even when we are trying to make things work they are still only thinking of themselves. My anger comes back up when I read all these post and sometimes I do direct it at my husband because I know I still have issues of trust with him. I feel like I am back a D day sometimes ready these post from other women. Other times I just want to cry for all of us. How can a world of men be so mean too so many women who just want to be married, have kids and a good life?

  25. Thanks girls! However what you don’t understand is that w/this last show of evidence he is saying, ” well, I need time I don’t know what I want? I love you may just not be in love w/you. Lets just seperate until I figure out myself ect.” He also tells me he is not destroying our family the boys will be fine they are big boy’s (27,23 & 19)” Then when they asked I did tell them thier father has been having a affair for 14yrs…he is not “happy” as this is between us they don’t need to know. REALLY? Who the hell are you telling me what I can or can not say?!! No I do believe my kids don’t need the details but there is percent they can know. He say’s on one side they are big boy’s and will be just fine and then he does not want them to know the torid reason’s their mom can not compose hereself!! So, I believe he has made some decisions at least for now that he can not be w/me or at least I need to find the courage to let him go”. He left on “business” yesterday (I say…right all business?!) I am avoiding his phone calls (secretly I like to see he is trying to reach me) but I am a mess!!! I STILL LOVE THIS MAN!!! We can NOT afford 2 homes so what is my next step?? 1. Do I move his things to a guest room? NOW?? 2. What is the limits of conversation and “living in the same home, even if it is just weekends??” I plan on going for counseling Thursday and am toying w/speaking to lawyer to find out my options. But what is the next step…just what do I do?? I need all the advise I can get!!

  26. Carrie:

    I was in the exact same boat you are in 5 days before this past Christmas. I was a crazy lady and everyone told me so—I didnt care. My therapist said it was natural the way i was acting, My 24yr daughter was also told her dad was a fooling around xxx, as HE also didnt want her to know but, insisted she was old enough to handle all of this. For me, I was calling him incessantly asking all kinds of questions.,,,why,,,who is she…what does she do…age…as he proudly told me she was 39! I was livid after each and every detail but i just had to know why, etc.
    I learned his answers where all excuses and he enjoys the way he lives–his secret life. I personally think anyone who lives like this needs mental evaluation and medication, but i am no doctor, just a mother and wife. How can they juggle these on/off emotions on 2 women, maybe more? I couldnt do it! I also after 3 weeks of taking care of just ME, realize that HE wants exciting sex, someone new, and loves the attraction/attention this OW gives him, without a nag! I suggest taking care of YOU first, then your kids. My daughter said to me, for the first time in her life, “that she is on the back burner with all of this”…and sadly she is–due to her father’s stupidity. I couldnt cook dinner, laundry, even talk on the phone for weeks…but i brought myself to the gym daily, hired a trainer (which he hates) went to speak to a lawyer and hired a therapist—all good for mom! Wow..for once the house was a mess, the dogs didnt eat, the dinner wasnt cooked and alllllllllll hell breaks loose cause mom’s a hot mess! Big Whoopie…i needed it and i NEVER let him stop me from doing what I WANTED TO DO. I FINALLY WAS TAKING CARE OF ME AFTER 25YRS!!! everyone almost fell over cause mom wasnt there to fix everything any more. I yelled at the dogs, the kid, HIM,
    the OW, my therapist….and more….but i needed to….i needed to release all the anger inside me i felt for this man that I STILL LOVED! I sill have no seen him since thanksgiving as he travels all the time and i wont allow him to come home until HE WORKS ON HIMSELF….and i am judging! You are entitled to a tantrum….take it my dear….it is very normal to do…as long as you dont hurt yourself or others, it is fine. GET IT OUT!!! I cried for days…everywhere i went. i remember crying on the threadmill for 30mins and some old man looked at me and i gave him the kiss of death…he finally looked the other way and said nothing. Then, collect your thoughts and ask yourself WHAT DO U WANT TO DO RIGHT NOW? And if you can….do it. Make yourself number one–everyday…everyday and you will see that it feels pretty good. Dont make any rush lifetime decisions….take your time………no matter if you are served w papers…..take your time….seek advice….and a good therapist helps tremendously….i have another appt tomorrow…i got weekly sometimes bi-weekly, if i need it. Mine just told me on the phone moments ago….the movie, forces of nature w ben affleck and sandra bullock….he recited the fisherman psalm, as in the movie…..oh how nice i thought…after he has been screwing around w a lady he met at the airport, had a good fling, fun times, now he wants his wife back……he said he feels this same way….wow…arent i a lucky girl ending up w sloppy seconds! Do what makes u feel good—

  27. Hi Wanda!
    it does sound like situation is simular. I did take a step and contacted a therepist and will start tomorrow. I know I need it! I have not spoke to him since Monday as I am ignoring his calls…whats to say? I think he is looking for some permission or acceptence from me so he can feel better. My oldest son is telling me to ignore him as he is only going to continue to hurt me. Wow, even our kids are beginning to see his distruction. They think he needs somes consquence for his action and my forgiveness came too soon. They are right, I know but when your whole life has been w/this same person and your heart is his it is hard to get it back or think beyond. I am beginning the process of moving his things to a guest room. As I said 2 homes we can not afford w/2 in college. Plus he is usually home on weekends…those will be awkward and I am not sure how I will handle those? At least I can give him some respect which he has not had for me. Crying…yep like you it is endless but as you say I need to find myself. I am trying but it will be a long road. Your advice is so appreciated!! You sound like your on the road, I hope to get on that road too…sometime.

  28. It has been 2 1/2 months since D-day for me when my husband of 38 1/2 years called me to confess! He somehow thought it was OK to introduce the OW to our grown daughter stating “Oh by the way…don’t tell your Mother!” What an unfair position he put her in. I was “served” the week of Christmas 2011…with my Granddaughter standing beside me at the door!!! I went crazy jealous learning of the affair so I attacked the OW on topix (knew NOT to use FB) and instead of ending the affair which was my goal…it seems I have ended MY marriage and his lawyer is using topix as discovery!!! FIY be careful what you post and where. I am 61 and was looking forward to our retirement at our lake house we just bought and keeping MY vows of ’till death do us part! I will NEVER get over him!

    1. Sheilann/Wanda/Carrie/Meema/LisaP

      Sheilann,So sorry to hear he introduced the OW to your daughter!!! I literally got emotional just reading it, I always do when I read that a daughter/son is put in that type of situation, my heart goes out to her, and you. I never heard to Topix before I did a search but still didn’t understand it. Maybe it’s time for a new beginning for yourself, I hope that you discover some amazing things through your journey.

      Wanda – I enjoyed reading your post, especially the part about not doing the dishes, and cooking, that’s great you are letting your hair down and getting a little messy – good for you!! I am also glad that you let something go in order to deal with the situation. So many women find out about the affair, and try to live as if nothing happens, doing everything they already did on top of dealing with the affair, and it’s too much stress for their bodies, something has to give, even if it is temporarily, so good for you! The other thing that is nice is that I bet they now know how much you actually do. Sometimes people forget how much of an impact you have, so they might not ever say it, but the family will have more appreciate for you now that they see what happens when you are not around!!

      Carrie – Wanda’ post was spot on. Carrie I know you are looking for what to do next, and if I were in your shoes, I would do nothing. Meaning, I would not ‘try’ to do anything. Because I sense from your writing that you are looking for something to do, an act, an action that will help you through this, when really in my opinion what is needed is for you to release control. Release control and just BE (I know that is so hard). Your next steps do not have to be planned. As wives and moms, we are so use to having everything planned out. Recovery is not like that, it’s much softer. Wanda’s last line was do what you feel. If you do that and he comes home Friday, and you feel like talking to him, talk to him. If after the conversation you do not feel good, don’t talk to him the next day or keep the conversation short. Try to loosen up and go with the flow. I know it’s hard, I am not a go with the flow type of person myself, I need to know, I need to plan, but I ended up having some health issues because I was ‘trying’ to plan and control my emotions and heart ax well as my husband’s, I was taking on too much so I had to release and and just be – yes it took some time and practice, but boy do I feel much better now.
      Take Care!

      Meema – Man you wrote something that was very deep – Marriage is hard when everything is good – that is so true!! I think that is what makes this so difficult, marriage is already very intense, without cheating. Me and my husband were trying to work on things – outside of cheating, just trying to be married, so the affair just tore us apart.

      LisaP – I am sorry to hear that reading the stories causes some backlash in how you look at your husband. I hope it doesn’t get to the point where you say something to him and he says ‘Oh boy, you have been on that site again’ (smile). Just know that your posts have helped hundreds of women, I hope it eventually helps you and your marriage as well in a positive manner!

  29. hi ladies: Glad this website is here and I can blog–this is a relief in itself–thanks Jewels! Hope you had a better day today Carrie–dont worry if you are on that rollercoaster going nowhere–I am with you! Got back from the therapist and gym today, after Husband (if you can call him that) speaks telephonically in same therapy meeting. How lucky is that? All the same riduclous verbage out of his mouth…”love my wife, want to save it if i can, i was curious…” actions speak louder than words to me and basically we came down to His lifestyle(which he calls work) vs. His wife and daughter! Wow…can you believe some one would have to ponder on such an issue? Travels, has 4 homes all over, new car, new phones, new plastic cards, dinners paid for.. and whXXXs…Why would he ever come home? Everything is paid for and he lives like a new rich college kid on his
    freshmen year. Soooo sick of the continued behavior. Drinking and smoking weed gets old and is just unacceptable in our lives. Our own college student doesnt even do what HE does! It is sickening and he thinks its fun and funny! I just cant compete with all these mood and mind altering chemicals w/him–it seems like a never ending battle. I have already put him in 8 rehabs over the 25 yrs w/him….he is an overgrown kid that slides by in life and never seems to happen to him–yet. Tonite he just called to say good nite (while smoking a bong) as he knows that bothers me and it just shows me that he has no respect for me. The therapist reiterated today that cause he sends his payck home each week–all of it–he justifies his bad behavior and i have to basically put up with it if i want to continue the lifestyle i am leading. I dont care anymore about material things–could careless now (as im older and wiser) but, i do want to finish my gym thing w/a trainer and i know he would cut me off if served w/papers….so i sit and take his crap until one day, im strong enough to leave….and im getting close to that breaking point, believe me. Oh…I am going to spy on his cell phone (if it works…) and hire a PI this weekend to confirm my suspiscions….all with HIS MONEY!!!!
    Wish me luck ladies…..still waiting for my blood test results, probably next wk until i know. Just the thought of that too, kills me. I keep asking myself, “why am
    i with a man that makes me feel so bad and causes me pain?”….Why? My problem everyday is that i incessantly call him….i really dont care what he thinks or his co-workers. if i feel like calling over and over again….he cant stop me anymore. this pisses him off and i love it—then he turns his phone off and on during the day in different intervals…so i text! I know i am a fool, but it makes me feel better…just for the time being. Have a nice evening!

  30. sheilann–
    poor you…wow…thats a long time! how dirty that was to serve you right in front of a child…..i could s ay something about him, and it wouldnt be pleasant….i think you know what i mean. ha! anyway, the legal thing, yes….we all have to be very careful when it comes to fb especially…lawyers are using more and more internet stuff against the opposing party. Like im sure like yourself, i have nothing to hide. if i come here or elsewhere to vent…so be it, it makes me feel better. Doing nothing wrong….wish i would though….but, i take the high road and not stoop to his level. Actually, i think he gets more pissed off that i do all positive for myself than drinking, going to bars, picking up men….and so i continue to stay positive–day to day believe me, sometimes minute to minute i have to practice or i could slip and be like HIM. I wish you happiness at your lakehouse–I hope you can at least enjoy that yourself and one day….you may also share it with someone special.
    I cant stand when men introduce the OW to the kids….especially when its a shock finding out of an infidelity. Its just wrong in every sense. My own college kid had to teach her dad a lesson this year—she wanted a consequence for him to deal with since his actions were deplorable. she told him..”you are not going to see my at christmas and mom and i do not want you home with us during christmas and i hope you think of this consequence on Christmas”….he was a little angry but he
    wents to HIS parents home which was not really a consequence since he had not seen them in years!!!!! My daughter and i realized….he is unavailable to us all the time…..all the time….we have not seen him since Thanksgiving, 2011.

  31. WOW…we ladies are not alone! Don’t you like me think what have we done to deserve this? Oh, we each have these men who for whatever reason have become so selfish and no regard to all we are/were to them. What sickens me…”how can these men leave us for women (I do not think they deserve the name “women”)!!!But how can they be attracted to such who picks them up in a bar, sleeps w/them realize they are married w/kids and they think it is okay? Where are there morals and values?!! How can they live w/themselves and MY husband? How can my H be attracted to such a low class B*****??! My H justify’s his actions of a 14yr affair to be my fault…excuse’s of blame to little things. So it warrented him to behave so. Instead of trying to work on things (that I never knew as I was happy) he gave himself permission to cheat and blame me!! Where did the man I married 30yrs ago go, when did I lose him and not even know? Where did I go wrong and not know? Right now I can not even look in the mirror…I am ashamed for me, for him and my boys who have to know! What scum these H’s are and we are their victims!! Yes, ladies I am looking for what to do next. Jewels you say release control is that what I have done as look where I am? Sheliann, you don’t deserve what he did either but hell I am in your boat too!!Wanda, you seem to have alot of strength…I admire! Ladies, I guess we will get thru not sure how as I just don’t know how?!

  32. Thank y’all for the responses. It has been a very long and emotional couple of months. I am so thankful for my three grown children who live nearby.

  33. hi ladies:

    last nite i received telephonically that the H wants me back and wants to work on “it”, What a lucky girl I am, huh? Before the long weekend, going to the gym, doing my errands and taking care of me! His stuff will be on the back burner…like i was for so long. Tired of being that doormat…im pissed and i am not going to settle for less than what i deserve. somehow i have a lot of gumption today (maybe tomorrow will be different-ha) but, just for today, im going to do what makes me happy and what is good for me! How selfish i know, but it is time. For some reason…now the tables are turned, i feel like i have regained a little power in this relationship–maybe i blindsided again, but i have this feeling that each day i get through, i am stronger….and if i chose, i can do this alone. A week ago i didnt feel this way, but today i do. I guess losing 20lbs helps also since new years eve, and i got stopped by a cop yesterday for having an expired tag and he did not give me a ticket! Hey, maybe my life is turning around! I creid the blues and he says, “lady u have enough on your plate…blah blah blah”…hey, it helped and i really didnt want that ticket! I havent forgotten to replace a car tag in 20 yrs…what the heck,….i will get it today. These little things are not important to me any more to stress out at….i cant afford to get all frazzled over the small stuff anymore. One foot in front of the other, i can do this. I love this website. thanks jewels and ladies! Have a nice, peaceful, stress-free weekend!

  34. Wanda,
    I admire you!! I wish my husband would call me!! He was supposed to come home (to sleep in another room). Oh how can I even want him back?!! I texted him this morning to inquire “what time will you be returning to the house?” His response, “weather-related. Will delay my return until tomorrow”. Why of course, as he is in her state! I tried to show little reaction, “yep, weather related issues?!” So I sit here w/a foot of snow, while that tramp is f***ing my H!! I had strength yesterday, today I cry. I just cannot accept. I am a mess!! How can I want someone who has been cheating on me for 14 years?! I am a mess!!!

    Wanda, I so admire your strength!! How long did it take until you got stronger??

  35. Carrie:

    I feel for you…know the feeling when OW and H are doing the nasty and WE are waiting for them to finish!! How much pain do i want to endure today from him?
    I made 4 signs for my home–2 up 2 down..all say..DONT CALL HIM..DO YOU WANT MORE PAIN TODAY? This reminds me how much crap i keep taking and when its time to release him from my heart. Ladies…yesterday was the day! Last week counseling and full on working things out…i love her…blah blah blah….then friday nite came(this is all out of town as H is always gone) He says, ‘honey going out for dinner, not drinking but a few and i will call you when i return home”, Fine i say. well,,,,oh heck yeah he called me—pocket dialed me drunk at 3am while he proceeded to be recorded again on my voicemail so i could play over and over and listen to that sob so my heart and mind could finally make a clear and correct decision for out family, especially me. H proceeded to have a conversation with his guy friend as they were looking online for a local escort service, stating they were “horny as a mf” and needed a whXXX right away. Then H proceeded further to state that last week;s fXXk in Jax was great and he couldnt wait to go back to her….then added that the woman he had in his bed this afternoon he forgot her name but could use her again to come back tonite!!!! WTF?? Are u kidding me? So i just found out 5 days before xmas in bed with yet another woman in pensacola that he admitted to!! H doesnt remember a thing he did last nite. He states it was drunk talk that was “guy talk” . I am sooo disgusted that he appears to me as a nasty dirty pig that i want nothing to do with! OMG…the other day i was fine..I have made my decision and i was going to see him this coming wk for the first time since the first one…I just cant keep up with all these hookers, i mean escorts. And my H is a pitiful, selfish, arrogant pig! sorry, but he is! I am no longer going to accept this insane and very sic behavior, He is sicker than what i thought,,,,and he denied everything when it is all recorded, “looking for whores” This guy is a freak stranger. Where did he come from and he is so self destructing that I want out and no part of this anymore….He says im rushing a divorce…I said, “damn right i am so the next hooker can have you”…D FILING SOON!!!!!!!!!!! I FEEL REVLIEVED!!!!!! Ahhhhhhh….

    Carrie: your mind, your heart and your body will tell you when enough is enough-it is like a train coming and it aint stopping!!! Good luck to you…be happy!

  36. OMG Wanda! No One deserves what you heard or are feeling due to that! Yes, to a degree making some funny drunk talk…but as you said…NO WAY was that all it is. He is scum!!!!Keep your head up as weeks, months from now this will be behind you and will be a winner and he still be a LOSER!! You so deserve the happiness, you will find it standing tall!! I wish you all the best please keep in touch!!

    1. Wanda

      So crazy how when you focus on yourself and release control, life ends up letting you know. He accidentally dialed you and it gave you all the information you need to make your decision. Something similar happened right before I was going to move out, I already decided to leave, signed a lease and everything, but he made me feel so horrible for signing the lease, I started to question myself and think, am I doing the right thing? I didn’t stress over it, it was just a question in my mind. Well, two days later he accidentally dialed my number while he was ‘at a birthday party’, they were in the car talking about to go to the club. They were so happy and having such a good time and I was pissed at the time, but then was really thankful for that happening, because now I can leave with full confidence that this is the right move for me. It’s so interesting how life let’s you know…….

      Carrie – I am not sure how to answer if you are starting to release control, I think just acknowledging that you need to is a great start, you will know within yourself in due time.

  37. Well Ladies now what??! He returned (he still lives here) and alot of my feelings were expressed to him w/out much emotion (meaning hysteria, hostility or weepyness, yea for me!!) Oh he is still doing the, “I don’t know”. I have pointed out to him his loss of me of course, but his tempered relationship w/the boys since they veiwed him on a pedestal, oops he fell off!!! Then of course his material things. I asked him why he would consider giving everything up and hurt everyone for one person he see’s everyother month for hotel sex and her daily calls, texts ect. He see’s what he has w/her her is like a addiction. But he seems to think he can’t live w/out contact w/her??! I told him well I CAN! I do believe he realizes he can not keep doing this. He also has promised (believe?!) he will not tell secrets or lies. Guess since it is out there. So now what? Does he get to choose her or me and I can wait to see what he chooses? This is sick 30 yrs and I have him getting to decide between her or me…REALLY??!! Well, I don’t know what to do or say to that? How long now is this sh** going to go on, now? I know if the BOW would walk away or I would he would love it, decsion made. But now??? I know I need/deserve to be happy but this teeter totter is not right either. Anyone else been thru this? I so appreciate this blog as it vent and advice found from other’s who can relate. gals, tell me…now what?

  38. Wanda, OMG I wish I had a clear sign like a call to make my decision easier back when I couldn’t make one. That call from your H clearly tells you he is not worth the fight anymore. You have done all you can do and now it’s time to take care of YOU! You now have a future of your own and can do whatever you want. Of course it will be hard and he will blame you for all his wrong doing just like saying your rushing the Divorce. No shit! I would be running too a divorce lawyer the next day. With all that he has done have you gotten yourself tested for STD? If not look into it please.
    Don’t let him bully you into thinking you can work things out when clearly he doesn’t… Take care.

  39. Hi Lisa P.

    Thanks for your support–not a good day today but, i know i am still on that rollercoaster–and its ok. Yes, I gave 5 vials of blood the other day and the results will be in next week but, the Dr cant get me in his office until the middle of February to tell me the results! (you know how the docs like to bring u back in to bill the ins co a 2nd time!) I am going to call next week and ask them to please give me the results telephonically—I cant wait that long wondering! It scares me to think I have contracted something from this monster of a H. He is so immature and careless when it comes to protection i believe, since he is drunk most of the time he is doing all of this–but ofcourse will never admit it. H states
    he wore protection but, I WILL NEVER BELIEVE that statement. I have an angry streak in me now I just want this over and for him to go away–almost like never contact me anymore, dont visit your college aged daughter (since you dont do it now anyway) forget about alimony (although i really dont mean this) just to have him out of my life once and for all. He called tonite and is trying to visit this week—finally taking off work to come and “work things out” with a therapist, himself. He doesnt get it. I guess he has walked all over me for so long and I have
    taken it, he doesnt believe me when i say, ‘it’s over”….”how could i ever have sex with you when you have been with so many whores?”….How?” Tonight he is also SICK and ofcourse I rubbed it in as to why. I cant cry whatsoever…I am sooo pissed off at this man, I could not force a tear from my eyes—quite differently from weeks ago. Funny, how this rollercoaster changes from day to day; the revelations sometimes you conveniently find out, mysteriously, to change your
    daily mood. He still has not listened to the recording on my cell phone–asked and i would not let him cause he will concoct some other bs excuse for everything he hears–been there, done that already. Told him I would play it for the therapist and then I have no other business in the room with him or her. For me, its over. Unless he can prove me wrong (and i need rock solid concrete proof otherwise, which I know he cannot provide) there is no need for me to discuss a reconcilation with him whatsoever. I did learn today, the other wife I had been in touch with (my H’s wing man that lies for him and does the same as my H and travels with him as well) attempted suicide (somehow–i dont know details in texas) and now her H is flying out suddenly to texas this week to be by her side. She didnt believe me when i told her eveyrthing, as she asked and stated she was prepared for the worse. I guess she hid her feeleings to me when I poured my heart out to her–I told my husband she was just a dumb bXXXX and i have no time for those bXXXXX in my life right now if she does not believe me. He proceeded to try and place the blame on ME for her attempt…..which I stopped him immediately and let him know that your actions and her husband’s actions will not SHIFT BLAME TO ME for what she tried to do. Still, I feel bad for her but, she stays in the dark (and likes to) never doubting him, believing all his excuses and lies for all her questions, and I dont want to sound callous and cold and say, she deserves it cause she is so stupid believing him, but it is like….I told you so and now days later it sinks in!!! Please….I planted the seed gently, and she called me back days ago and stated to me, ” My H and I are fine…I trust him and I believe what he tells me!”….ok, even when i have proof otherwise of your H stating he wanted a whore that evening,,,as he said verbatim, “I need a pXXXy on a platter”….Who says that? Her husband, and SHE refused to listen to the recorded 4 min conversation of the fellows talking about who they Fxxxxd, and where can they get some “whores” right now at 3am!!!! All i can say is…stupid is what stupid does!”. I just texted him a 5 pg letter letting him know what a piece of sxxt he is and i needed to throw him away just like a piece of trash that he is!
    It made me feel better anyway….venting. I cant wait til he awakens sick, to read my lovely message. He is the most selfish, self-centered person I have ever met.
    And he always tells everyone, even our daughter, ‘the ladies love me”,,,,I just cant
    stand his cockiness. He is very charming and very funny—that’s what I fell for, but after we were married, that charm and laughter went toward OW and not me any longer. We havent laughed in years.,,,,and he is a very witty fellow. They say comedians are masking something deep inside….I know with him, this is true.

    How’s you stuff going LisaP? Hope you have a nice day and do something nice for yourself. Its sickening to think so many women come in these rooms on a daily basis cause their H’s have been unfaithful….it’s so contagious, almost an epidemic. Hard to believe there are any good men left out there? Maybe in a different country? Not looking any time soon that’s for sure. And another thing, at 53, I feel sooooo old to start life all over. Why didnt I get all this info at 35? Atleast I would think I had some chance out there at that age. 53….I feel, who
    wants a woman in their 50’s please? And I cant do a wrinkled old man…i dont care how much money he has! haha! Take care!

  40. Carrie:
    Thanks girl for the support–I love this room. Hope all is well with you. Yes, he is a loser–trash is also on that list. Thanks for all your help and words!

  41. Carrie:

    I am still on the rollercoaster, but, now i know where i am going, Before I called it “limbo” and the waiting game is just awful. I always thought that since he made the bad decisions, the ball was in my court. Not true to some degree as we love these fools and wait for THEM to make the next step. Yours will be revealed—no set time, no date (sorry to say) but, you will hear it loud and clear when you receive it—trust me—you will. I hope its w you and the kids for your sake.

  42. Jewels:

    You too huh? I guess I call it drunk dialing in his case but, nevertheless a lot of info was revealed hundreds and hundreds of miles away….someone intervened for me! And this is the second time! I would never know any of this so thank God for cell phones. Jewels…I wish I could move out—this entire 5000sq ft house has his name and all our memories all over it—it makes me sick…maybe i will redecorate…that sounds like fun…thanks for your support jewels, as always. Have a nice day!

  43. Wanda, things are ok trying to pretend that nothing happened and forget but I can’t forget. That is what he does becaue of his AA this is how they move on (they have to write it all down on paper, tell the group their sins, talk to a priest and then destroy the papers and forget about all of it) So I still carry anger within me and try not to let it show because he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore he is done. I still find it hard to look at him from time to time without judgement!!!! I am trusting him slowly but it will never be 100% I do alot of things just for me because he owes it to me now! Before I didn’t really feel I deserved it because I was taking something away from the family. I don’t have to work because he does have a good income so a part of me is not looking for work but it’s been two yrs since my last job and I do miss my independence in that way. So I am just trying to figure out what I want to do next with my life. Iam 48yrs young and have the world at my feet. so do I Work or not? Start a new career? something I would really enjoy and just be happy with myself and kids and him when it all feels right.

  44. I’m just so angry. We have 1 child…but became guardian’s to an abused child because I thought we were in this together. The first year we didn’t fight -even though we found out her abuse was greater than we ever imagined…and more horror stories keep coming out. We are providing as much support as possible…she stole a razor and cut herself badly. On 2/18/12 my H told me about his “fantasy relationships” with my friends…no actions…just fantasies. I am livid. I want to punch him…then the girls father was murdered a few days later. So I have been handling all sorts of crap with her crazy family. My H thinks I should just move past his confession and be ok. We have spent $10,000 in therapy and I get this crap! He has always had a problem with fantasy women…now the secret is out and I just want to hit him.

    1. Lea, it’s tough when you make life altering decisions based on the two of you being together, especially in your situation taking on such a heavy past with the abused child. I hope you will be blessed in many ways for your effort to save a child.

      So did your husband actually cheat or is he fantasizing about your friends in a sexual way and telling you about it. Did he say why he is telling you or bringing it to your attention? I am just curious to know.

  45. My boyfriend and I have been together for 11 years and have two children. In the past two years I have found out about the other women before he knew anything about it, they all tell me the multiple lies that he says about me and then when confronted about them he still doesnt want to admit when caught, even when they are on the phone ect. Today I spoke with number 8 and he finally admitted some of itbut i just dont understand this thinking. I mean when your caught your caught if he wants to save the relationship he would fess up and grovel at my feet but nothing he just acts like nothing just a normal day.

  46. 20 yrs with my husband, 3 kids. its been rough the last 4 yrs, this is just my side of story n im sure he has different side of it, im not perfect by all means i have more flaws than any girl out there.. but im just confused to the point of walking away from everything even the kids. and not looking back. 5 yrs ago i went threw a bad depression i lost 45 pounds i culdnt figure out why i was not happy/ satisfide with life, only to find out later that my husband didnt have time for me or notice the 45pds was because his mind was busy with other gilrs, but anyway i got all the kids in school so now it was time for me to go back to work and be more than just a house wife/stay at home mom. so i went back to nursing only to find out 2 months into it my husband had exchanged cell numbers with one of my friends whom worked there with me, and with thoughts and hurts i dropped out looking and talking to her made it hard to enjoy, so then i signed up for beauty school i finished that only because i promised myself that, after 5 months into that my husband came home w nasty underwear and the onky reason i found them was because i stuck my hand in hamper n felt something gross, i didnt say anything i wanted to know the truth and what was goin on so the next day i got on his cell to find all these women he told them he was not married and he did not have kids he had sex w the one in his semi beside the road. i made that promise to myself to finish beauty school so here i am no job in school , i yelled and yelled at my husband. but i stayed not a day didnt go by where i wanted to yell or cry, after i got done w school i got job n i started trusting him again n rethinking my thoughts of divorce, so i asking a friend how do you know if he wont cheat again she said set him up then she asked his cell number i gave it to her next thing i knew i was on other line them husband n friend talking away and he said he wanted a pic of her she said what kind he said supprise me, then he tells her that he loves watching women masterbate to send him a viedo of that, now he didnt know her and all this happened within 20 mins, i flipped out i didnt know the man on other end of cell i still cry when i think bout it, i left him for a yr i even went out w a guy a wonderful guy but i couldnt divorce , every court date i posponed put off, the wonderful guy said to me ur not done w him you cant do it you cant let go, so then i started talking to my husband again and i moved back and of course here i am i quit my job and went back to nursing signed up for my rns i have 16 more months of that i have a car payment now, and just last week i found out my husband has more women on cell sharing pics n nasty info with one lady told me she met him on a dating web site. i looked and sure enough. there he is just looking is his profile name, he told women his marriage was to messed up n he wasnt happy and he told them he owns business , (his brothers business) the guy he work for, and he has always told women he owns it. but we dont.. he dont .. just works there, i feel like my marriage is nothing but a game and full of lies, i keep comin back and that i dnt inderstand at all, mayb its the sorry gifts and the begging he does i really dont know, i love my family and my kids been threw enough, my husband had a dating web site…… =( what to do from here. no matter how many times this happens it still hurts like heck , the thing that kills me most is my husband plays this christian guy infront of friends me and our kids unless were fighting now then he will cuss me , but for most part we pray w our kids at night n try to teach them whats wrong n whats right, i try my best to keep this from them so they have no idea.

    1. Oice,
      It seems like you have been through it with your husband. Even leaving at one point, and coming back to him. A couple of things, you can’t change your husband. He is who he is and you cannot control of change what he does. But guess what? You are empowered and have total control on how you react. You can react shocked, or you can react in disappointment, or you can react in expectation, knowing he has done this in the past. Or…..or, you can choose to not react at all. Do not give him any power of knowing what your reaction is. How do you do that? By focusing on you, not in the form of going to school or work, but your mental state. It starts off by saying that you deserve to be treated with respect. Has nothing to do with your husband and everything to do with you. Because if you do not believe that in your heart, you will continue to be in relationship with one that disrespects. No action, just say to yourself everyday, promise yourself to say I deserve to be treated with respect. And go about your day like you believe it. Your life will start to change as you start to change your focus – back to you and what you can control. Your kids who love you so much will start to see a shift, a positive shift. You are loved beyond words but you have to cultivate that love within, and you can do that without your husband. It starts with you, you are loved.

      ps. Your kids need you, the you inside that they know is a fighter, and in you fighting for hope, you will instill the same value in them. Hugs to you!!

  47. Someone I thought as a friend had her husband cheat on her; she confided in me but not anyone else, not even her family because she didn’t want them looking down on her husband. This man was callous about the affair. He even asked my friend (who actually met the woman he was cheating with), “Didn’t you find her attractive?” He said, “I honestly didn’t think you’d react so strongly”. When she confronted him (before she had definite proof), he lied through his teeth and made jokes. My friend was in a state and started monitoring him-checking his phone, calling him all the time. She was afraid he would sneak off and meet his lover again (he probably did). The guy sounded like a big JERK to me. My friend decided to stay with her cheating husband (even though she had a good job and could have supported herself) for the sake of the children (who were grown up). She said that her children would have asked her to give their dad another chance. Then she said that in her family, males weren’t that respected anyway. And then she pulled away from me and stopped taking my phone calls. She didn’t want to be reminded of the affair and I was a reminder. I suppose she confided in me in the first place because I was the expendable friend she didn’t mind losing. I wonder how many women ditch their friends after their husband has an affair. I didn’t have the affair with him. I thought he was a creep. What kind of jerk asks his wife about his lover’s looks, “don’t you think she’s pretty?”

    I wonder why women want to calm down and give the marriage another chance. Don’t delude yourself. You are compromising not giving the marriage another chance. It is better to be honest with yourself if the reason you are staying has to do with: “I’m scared to leave”, “I can’t afford to leave”, “I have kids and I don’t want to be a single parent”. Don’t lie to yourself and say you are staying out of love for the cheater. I think it is important to become objective instead of chasing the guy around, where you become paranoid, where you obsess over him. Boy; he has all the power now. You are clinging to him even more; isn’t he special? What it comes down to is that you can not control a cheating man. If he wants to cheat, he is going to cheat no matter what he promises. You might go to counseling and have your ‘fresh start’ but it is really just a pack of lies. I think women want to just push the unpleasant situation away; they want to trust him and that means living in denial but once he’s cheated, you end up sleeping with one eye open unless you don’t care what he does. Those long talks mean nothing. Having it out with him, where you rehash everything and then go to bed tired is a waste of time. What is talk? A kid who gets in trouble and simply gets a lecture breathes a sigh of relief. They’ll promise the moon. What are his consequences? Can you even give him any consequences? And some women end up giving him more sex when they find out that’s he’s had an affair so he gets rewarded. I don’t know what the answer is-maybe delving into your own interests. Make sure the bills are paid and your needs are met and give yourself time to process the information. You don’t have to rush into any decision but you don’t have to rush into his arms either to make things better; why is that your job when he had the affair? If you are good at game playing, maybe you could do a soap opera move on him and get him to cling to you more. I don’t know. But maybe a woman should act like a man when she hears about the affair. Men get on with business. They don’t drop everything because they can compartmentalize. They usually don’t get emotional. Women have to put their emotions on the back burner. If the man isn’t being honest with you, don’t show him all your cards; don’t be transparent. Women aren’t transparent with other women. If your friend betrayed you, would you chase after her (or him) and plead with her to work it out? Just things to think about.

  48. My sorry is a little complicated (who’s isn’t?). I have been married 19 years and with my husband 23 years, since I was 15 and he was 18. The cheating that I found out about took place a couple of years ago. I went through a bad car accident and had a few really bad years of pain which throughout one year caused us to not have sex at one time for a couple of months and throughout the years sometimes for weeks, it was a rough period. It took about 2 years for my husband to admit he had cheated, it was when I had concrete evidence that he’d been at a hotel and called the hotel and confirmed (he’d left it in the history of his phone). For the 2 years before I always suspected he was talking to women online, sometimes late at night I’d see him on the computer and he’d deny it. When I ended up finding out I found that he’d met up with one women a few times 3 hours away, don’t know the details, and another woman an hour away, I’m guessing several times for the course of 3-4 months; and supposedly the woman at the hotel was the first and only time. He was in shock when I found out but eventfully came clean and was honestly glad I knew because he didn’t want to continue and knew it wasn’t right. He loved me with all his heart he said. He has always had a very high sex drive and because my injuries were so bad at times I ended up trying to forgive him, it took a while. Then what happened Is that I started checking his phone and I-Pad. I am having trouble remembering all details but I know eventually November of 2014 I saw he had a few e-mails talking about sex (the original cheating took place 2011 and 2013 and maybe in between?). Then he said nothing had happened those were just innocent e-mails when he got bored and horny and we weren’t having much sex. We then worked on our sex life and things got better (after a lot of fighting as you can imagine and me being completely untrusting after what happened). He states I am the love of his life and he never wanted anyone but me, how he’s complete content with just me and doesn’t want anyone else but wants more sex more often and me to want it to. So months later here I am with my current dilemma I am so desperate for help with. After piecing things back together I began looking at his I-pad again. I am untrusting and resentful and I have learned that he may go on and “peruse” Craigslist as he says but he is not doing anything behind my back. Then it got to he may sometimes “hardly ever” go on there and talk about sex with a women when he’s horny (he’s gone 2 nights a week for work) and it fizzles out and he never talks to the women on the phone or meets them. So when I found this out it made me feel like my suspicions were correct and I became closed off and resentful and we ended up having less sex and more arguments. He recently (when things were a little better) started wanting to devote to making things better and said he loved me so much and would be lost without me, I am his world…he wants to he wanted by me and needed by me, no other woman has ever mattered to him, he bought me a card explaining his love (he has always been very attentive and in to me). So recently I saw that again he had responded to an add (I had suspicions and we haven’t been having regular sex) when we do it is good and he says he just wants that all the time. I am so confused now and I have been stand offish and we are now at a crossroads. He always says he never wants to be without me but during our fight he says he wants to separate (which he always says he doesn’t mean) and why can’t we have a good sex life and please each other since he works so hard and we don’t have a lot of money for entertainment that is his idea of a good life, he wants to have some fun before he dies (he means with me but he’s Saying if it’s not gonna happen then maybe we should separate) I know he doesn’t want our marriage to end and he doesn’t want other women but he leans towards them and I feel it is such a habit now it isn’t going to stop, and I feel he doesn’t believe he is doing anything wrong by “just talking” and justifies it by me not giving him enough sex. I do want to say as mad as I am that he is very in to me, very sexual and has always had a high sex drive and we’ve been together since he was 18 (he lost his virgintiy at 12!) We do love each other very much and have a 19 yr old daughter and a 14 yr old son. We want our family to work but my mind is so messed up sometimes I think I should leave him for all of this and punish him for it, and at times I’m afraid he’s going to give up and throw in the towel even though he’s said he never would no matter what he says out of anger; but it is wearing us both down at this point and the same thing is happening that was jeep mind a year ago. I’m sure there are details I’ve left out, about a month ago he finally agreed maybe a counselor would help (before he always said they’d say he was an asshole and tell me to leave him) so he didn’t want to go. So now I don’t know where to go from here. I’m so sorry this is so long but it is therapeutic to get out, I should’ve done this sooner. Also I may add that when we’re not together as much as I’m mad and wish I could go be single and move on we’ve been together my whole life and are such a part of each other, but I don’t want to be taken for a fool (he says he’d never to do me what he did again and he has not had any connection/meeting a woman since I found out less than 2 years ago…please help me if you can I would appreciate some advise.

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