Why do men have affairs? While I can’t give you anything that will answer all of your questions, but I can provide you with my personal thoughts about the type of men who engage in affairs. Although society tends to put all cheaters in the same category, I don’t think this is accurate. There are differences in the types of affairs men have and differences in how men in these affairs react.
Here are my thoughts on the different types of cheaters.
1. The serial cheater: This type of man was cheating before the marriage and has continued to cheat repeatedly during the marriage. If your husband falls into this category, you might have found out about multiple affairs, not just one. When you bring up the fact that he is cheating, he doesn’t care; he will be with the other woman in a couple of days, and will think nothing of it. He takes absolutely no responsibility for cheating because he thinks he has a right to cheat. He will likely get offended that you are even snooping in his business (yes, his business, even though you are married).
2. The caught-up cheater: This type of cheater honestly never intended to mistreat his wife. He met someone he is compatible with (or, more commonly, reconnected with someone from his past), and getting companionship from someone else felt good to him. Soon, he finds himself spending more and more time with this “friend” until that time turns into something more intimate. He let the fantasy of being with another woman get him in a bad situation. Typically, these men understand that they’ve done something wrong, feel remorse, and want to heal their marriage.
3. The one-hit wonder: This is the cheater who goes out partying with friends and has sex with someone after having one too many drinks. Typically these men feel so bad that they run home and tell their wives right away and beg for forgiveness. They have never done such a thing before and literally beat themselves up after the fact.
4. The insecure cheater: This type of cheater is so low on self-esteem that he’s looking for praise from another woman. Men that lose their job, older in age are prime targets because they lost a part of their manhood and search for that feeling of accomplishment. When they find it (unfortunately in the form of a women), they keep pushing for more validation, which typically includes sex and spending time with the other woman (who is typically younger than he is, which is usually a huge prop to his ego). Although I don’t think this type of man typically intends to have an affair, once he gets that validation, he does not want it to end.
5. The online fantasy cheater: This is the husband who watches pornography online when you aren’t around, then escalates to chatting with women online and eventually trying to meet them in person for sex. This cheater literally gets addicted to the online world of sex, in all forms.
6. The purposeful cheater/bad boy cheater: This is the cheater who will make posts on websites that say things like, “I am married and looking for a woman to play with.”, or will sign up on a site for married men and women who are looking to have affairs, like ashelymadison.com. They have no shame in saying they are married and wanting to cheat.
7. The mental cheater: This type of cheater actually is so good at lying and manipulating, he often has entire lives with both you and the other woman. In fact, he may even be married to you and the other woman! He may also have kids with another woman, hidden bank accounts, and even another identity. He is so good at lying and covering up his other life that you probably had no clue he had one prior to finding out.
8. The “I found true love!” cheater: This type of cheater meets another woman and feels as though he has found his soul mate. He then gets caught up so quickly in this OW that he’ll often tell his wife about her and move in with the OW shortly after; sacrificing everything he has, leaving the wife devastated.
9. The persistent woman cheater: This kind of man gets caught in a situation where a woman is practically throwing herself at him. You husband responds by innocent flirting at first, but this women will not let it go, offering anything and everything she has, stopping at nothing to get your husband in bed. The husband knows the woman is crazy and that it’s not a good move to interact with her, but he caves and has an affair. This kind of cheater comes with an added stress for for a wife: if he eventually breaks off the relationship with the OW, and the OW goes psycho, calling the home, following you and the wife.
I am in no way excusing a cheater’s actions, even in the cases where a man doesn’t mean to cheat. I simply want to share my opinions about the different things that lead men to cheat and to show you that there is no one reason why all men cheat. I should also add that these types aren’t exclusive; for example, a man can be both an insecure cheater and a persistent woman cheater, or an online fantasy cheater and a bad boy cheater. When this happens, things can really get complicated.