Why do men cheat?

Husbands who commit adultery often blame their wives for the affair. “I cheated because we argued too much.” “I cheated because we didn’t have enough sex.” “I cheated because I was stressed and overwhelmed.” “I cheated because I didn’t feel important to you now that we have kids.” “I cheated because she made me feel good.” I cheated because – it can go on for days! I’m sure you’ve heard it all. Anybody can make up any excuse to cheat, it’s easy.

The response that most wives crave after catching their husband cheating is: “I cheated because I was selfish and thinking about myself only. I made the choice to cheat and accept full responsibility; it had nothing to do with you.” That would be wonderful to hear, because at the end of the day, that is the reason for cheating.

In my opinion, it’s ridiculous and wrong for a husband to blame his infidelity on his wife. EVERYONE experiences relationship problems; just because you have a problem with your marriage does not give you a “cheat for free” card.

So next time the cheating spouse tells you that his reason for having an affair has anything to do with you, don’t believe it. A spouse always has other alternatives to cheating. In the end, he needs to take responsibility for his actions.

20 thoughts on “Why do men cheat?”

  1. SO TRUE! You cheated because you have no morals or values and your personal satisfaction mattered more than the marriage or your wife’s respect! THATS why you cheated! smh

  2. Hmmm. I think its not so true. In some situation, the wife could have some blame. Sure its the cheater who made the decision to cheat but sometimes their spouses might have place them in situation that make it easy to cheat. If your husband or wife cheated, you should also have to look within yourself if you are worthy of sharing the blame. Don’t just put the blame on the cheater outright because his actions could be more than it seems. If we did put our spouse in a compromising situation, then we should have to ask forgiveness.

    1. Ralmon, I am not saying the wife is perfect. We are humans, we all have fault. Just because you have marriage problems never justifies cheating because at the end of the day, if it is that bad, get a divorce, don’t lie and cheat behind your wife’s back. As the wife I can’t make you cheat, you are a grown man. If it’s that bad, divorce, go to counseling, communicate, ton’s of stuff to do, so I can not accept that i make a grown husband go and have sex with another women. I think as a society we need to get to the point where people take responsibility for their actions. That was the point, you can make any excuse you want to cheat, but at the end of the day, you have to take responsibility for your actions, and not try to push it off on the wife. Cheaters have many other options other than cheating when marriage problems arise.

  3. Ralmon you are so wrong. If a man shot and killed someone that person he killed is to also to be blamed for his action? What are you thinking! Like Jewels said the cheater is an adult and made the decision themselves plan and simple! You definitely think like a man, just black and white. Just because the wife may have pushed his buttons does not give him the right to cheat! Since you haven’t been cheated on or have cheated yourself you have no idea what you are talking about. Most men whom have done the cheating blame the spouse at first then realize they were the ones at fault and were weak. That is what makes a man, a man one who admits he was solely to blame. for his actions.

  4. You raise some valid points in your comment about why men cheat…But there are different catalysts that can drive one to consider going down that road. Some people are not getting a fulfillment in the bedroom with there spouse, Or some spouses are career driven to the point that the marriage erodes over time… Maybe the love is lost. So what I’m trying to say is that the relationship needs to be noticed by both parties as to if it is functioning well or not.

    I am currently unsatisfied with my marriage of 18 yrs…..I have not cheated physically but have had some inappropriate relations because I am tired of being in a relationship that is spinning it’s wheels. And I feel like I will cave soon. I have suggested counseling for years but she don’t have the time and I’m at giving up.

    So it is not as simple as it seems. It takes the relationship of both spouses to make it work and both to recognize that it is falling apart…..but denial is tough to admit.

    I don’t feel good about my situation nor am I justifying it…It is simply the way things are.

    1. Hello D.B,

      Thank you for sharing your perspective, I think it’s important for women to know and understand how a man might get to the point of cheating and I think you represent the feelings of a good portion of men, including my husband. I need to write more post about the mans perspective because it is important. When a man cheats, from a society perspective it’s “oh my, how could they do such a thing’, but I know there is more to the story and I know for a fact that not all men are bad people, some just made a bad choice, big difference. I think most affairs start exactly how you wrote it. You as the man are frustrated with something within yourself or something within the marriage (like you stated), and see no way out but to cheat. My husband said I rejected him for sex, he didn’t understand it, got mad, and decided to have an affair. Now because he felt that way does not justify his behavior, because instead of cheating there were a ton of things he could of done to try to resolve the issue, in his opinion he tried everything, in my opinion, he didn’t try at all. So the point of me writing this post was to make sure women understand that no matter what the marriage problems are, there are always other alternatives to cheating and for a husband to say, well wife, you made me cheat because of x,y, and z is not fair. Yes, as the wife we are not perfect, we have faults, but I totally agree with what LisaP said, if my husband came to me and said this is not working let’s get a divorce would of been a TON better than cheating, the pain a wife goes through when cheating is nothing compared to the pain of finding out your husband wants a divorce. But for some reason, in our society a cheater feels it is better to cheat than to get a divorce, maybe you can help me understand that logic from your perspective?

      So again, I appreciate your view and I need to write more post sharing some of the thoughts that go through a man’s head before he decides to cheat, that would be helpful.

      Last but not least, if you haven’t cheated, great!! I know you are thinking, PLEASE read some of the other stories on this site and if she is not doing whatever you need, and she is not willing to go to counseling, don’t cheat, just tell her it’s over and maybe that will jolt her into maybe getting more serious about whatever the problems are in the marriage. Take Care.

  5. D.B. then why don’t you end the relationship? That way the pain will be less than if you cheated. How could one look at their family after one has cheated? (your spouse, mother, father or kids even). I wished my husband ended the marriage before he cheated plan and simple. If the other partner doesn’t want counseling then it is time to move on. The pain from being cheated on is far more painful than a divorce. Then I could tell myself I didn’t belong with that person there will be someone else some day. When you are cheated on you fell like your whole world just ended.

  6. Need advise please, believe it or not I am a therapist and as the saying goes cant sort my own issues out. My husband met up with an old fling via facebook and while I was away they had a quick fling. I discovered this as we both had each others passwords, and i logged onto his facebook where they were discussing their lovemaking as well as declaring their undying love for each other. One comment was ” I have never loved my wife as I love you I love her more as a friend”. I confronted him when I returned 4 days later. sad to say my father passed away the next day and I used him for support and in his mind everything was sorted. He still is in contact with this woman and has met her again a couple of times, I have caught him lying about this on numerous occasions. Even though we are separated we still own a business together and have to face each other daily. I have given him conditions to me agreeing to sort our marriage but still nothing from him to date. I am brocken and tearful the whole time. Please help with some advise.

    1. Hello Melrose,

      Sorry to hear about your situation. To see that your husband type those words to another women is traumatic. It seems like the next logical move is a conversation with him saying that it appears to be over since he is not putting forth any effort. I know this might be painful to hear, but it is much better for him to say it’s over now than to think that you are working on the marriage and 3 months later realize that he is still seeing this woman – believe it or not that is much more painful. Your heart is going to be sore and numb for a while, just understand it’s a part of the process. Also, since you have a business together, I would really consider talking to a lawyer. I know you haven’t decided on anything, but many law offices have free consultations concerning divorce. Take care, make sure you are eating and getting rest, and keep me informed.

  7. crushed english rose

    I’ve been married 15 years. With him 17. He’s spent our entire marriage going on about female celebrities that he faniced over the years (actresses, dancers, tv presenters). He compared me to them. A few weeks ago he looked me up and down and asked me how could I possibly compare to a tv dancer he had a crush on (still does in my opinion) in his youth. I’ve also been physically compared to his ex (very unpleasant for me).

    He never bothered to get to know me properly – just there for company and sex. When I moved in with him he left me on my own most of the time with just his history books for company. He obviously has issues because he finds it too easy to put me down and refuses point blank to discuss our marriage at all. He vigorously resists the idea of counselling though he said I can go if I want. It’s led to years of fights, tears, threats, incriminations. His own dad said he was far too harsh with me and told him that I think more of him than his ex ever did (she dumped him twice).

    He also flirted with a friend of mine during a night out though he denies this.


    He had the emotional affair in 2010. I ended up on anti depressants, had to take 6 weeks off work and was seeing a counsellor for 4 months. She told me not to buy into his attempt to put the blame on me (he said I have an attitude prblem, I behave like a man, I’m not feminine enough) because nothing will improve unless he takes responsibility for his own behaviour – what he has actually done is subjected me to years and yearsof emotional and psychological abuse and I was on the verge of an emotional breakdown. That was over a year go. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I’m still struggling with the fallout of what he’s done and I get no help from him WHATSOEVER. He seems to delight in going behind my back and behaving in ways that create more stress for me.

    He also has pictures taken of himself with his arms around the women he behaved inappropriately with. He promised not to do it again.

    He can’t understand ‘what the big deal is’ with having these women on his facebook page. He denied they were even on there until I got on his page last weekend and discovered them. I also saw a photo of him WITH HIS ARM AROUND A LOCAL DJ THAT INTERVIEWED HIM on the same page. His response when I confronted him? HE BLOCKED ME FROM HIS PAGE. He keeps saying he’ll remove the women off his page but still hasn’t bothered.

    I have always been there for him. Obviously too much; he’s taken me for granted. I’m the main breadwinner, I’ve never so much as looked ‘that way’ at another man and I make sure any man who tries it on with me knows my boundaries. My H DOES NOT DO THIS. He claims he’s being friendly (he said that when he was being “too friendly” with my friend – by the way, she’s one of the women on his FB page – he added her without asking me how I felt about it and kept it from me until I stumbled across it last week). His father, step mum and best friends have all expressed their disapproval but he listens to nobody. His best friend told him these women aren’t worth wrecking his marriage for. His dad told him he’ll wreck his marriage if he keeps it up. BUT NOTHING WORKS.

    His dad spoiled him rotten when he was a child. Money, time, material possessions, trips out and holidays were thrown at himbut he was never taught any boundaries or told that he had to stand on his own two feet. He still gets money off his dad and he’s got money in a saving accout but he won’t help me to pay off our bank overdraft with it. He keeps saying we’ll go on holiday and then if I dare to bring up his FB page or his behaviour with these women he changes his mind.

    I’ve had it. Because his behaviour hasn’t improved, because he won’t take responsibility, because he makes excuses, I feel even more traumatised than I did before. I’m now trawling the internet for accommodation to rent because I can’t take this any more. I’ve tried to forgive him and trust him but he’s given me no reason to. And to think that I worshipped this man with my heart and soul.

  8. Hi, I am new here…I am a wife with different aspects to consider why my marriage was maybe a mistake from the beginning on..I am German, my husband is American. I am white, my hubby- black. I am 42 years old , my husband 51..I followed him to his country- USA. We have two children, one of them is his…the youngest(10). We are in his country since seven years, we are married since 10 and know each other since 12 years. We came over here pretty much with nothing, which explains why I hesitate to give up everything, but since a couple of days I am not sure anymore that I want to die in this country!!! My social network is zero, my family is in Germany…the family over here is no family as well, not for me nor my husband. Without such fundamental important things missing it is hard to stay strong. About a year ago my husband had a coworker coming over after work (second shift) they were talking and smoking- no problem, until my oldest daughter(18) texted me (working in a hospital in nightshift) that she would hear voices and mourning. I left work right away to find out what is going on. I found him by himself cause the coworker had left. He was drunk and high and denied any of such things, they were “just” talking…It took months to finally get him to admit that the talk turned into a flirt from the coworker and after he told her he wouldn’t be interested she started to masturbate in front of him and he watched.Not only was it bad that this incident happened in my own home, no, that my children got involved…The really bad part was that he blamed our oldest for it. If she never would have woken up and texted her mom-wow! Off course, he blamed it on our shift difference and that I was never home at night, he got weak! It took me another year out of my precious life time to move on. I had the feeling we were working on our marriage and there were good days and fall backs, but no massive things, I believed. Then came the phone call….Not that the women knew my husbands name, no, mine as well…We had an argument a couple of months ago and he left the house for a few hours. When he came back, he went straight to bed..his cell rang almost an half hour later and I went on it. She hung up, but I was looking into the texts and found her text saying, that she can’t believe it happened, but she is glad that it did,XOXO. I woke him up- mistake- and confronted him about it, ready to leave the damn house, without even knowing where to go…It was a horrible fight and he denied everything. The next couple of weeks I found out that she is a coworker, who likes him, there were talking and she called him that night when he left the house. Funny, eh, that they smell you like blood hounds? He met her, they had a walk and then it happened later…I just could find out the”truth” because I told him that I can accept the fact that he went to another women for advice, but he needs to tell me the truth if there were more because now we had the phone call directly to our home of an women, which knew my name and said that she would have to brake it up with my husband…After he fell for my trap and told me everything, I fell into my own trap because I was in denial what I already suspected anyways… that he slept with her. But the phone call to our house is a different thing, it isn’t even the women he slept with( which I can’t believe at all), he said. Well, what can I say, I heard it all, the blame of our argument, which hurt him so much that he had to leave the house and went over that limit not to cheat- if you could listen to me more, wife!- There isn’t more, it was just the one night!- Get over it Marion!- Well, he had to leave for work and leaves me behind with the damage today…That I am a nurse makes it even harder because I see signs of midlife crisis, the continously lying part, the no remorse feeling, his problems with adicctions, all of that with the feeling to help…horrible, but I am really at my withs end…There is no actual cure out there, where you just would have to take a pill and you good to go…We have a lot of investments in our relationship and kids, which are in a critical stage of their lives, who are we as grown ups to be so selfish and destroy everything, but where to begin with to build up again? I really don’t know what to do anymore, too hurt right now and don’t get much help from him, but I know for sure that when you are out there and still see all those couples, which are married since over 50 years, that their lives must been a hell of a ride as well for their time and effort…That is the only thought, which keeps me kind of sane…My husband is strong in his arguements that I should have never snooped around, I disrespected his privacy-privacy? I thought marriage is the highest institution, there shouldn’t be any secrets, for what do you need privacy? Maybe to use the bathroom, don’t you think? Well, I tried to explain to him that the snooping starts when your partner acts different, when things look funny. I must admit,. that you as a wife still should give the husband the chance to ask or tell him about different ocurrences, but what do you do next when you are not satisfied with his answers? The funny thing is, if you would turn the whole thing around, let it happened to him…we would be bitches, whores and i can’t touch you no more, I want the divorce…mmmh, how do I make you see, feel or understand what I go through right now? All I can say is, and that is just medical wise, men are not made for monogam institutions.It is not an excuse for their actions nor for acceptance,but for the understanding for us. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus, exactly. If you married a handsome husband, guess what to exspect? It is really important to see the outside world of your relationship as the devil who is working against everything you worked for…you can never be off your gards and take everything for granted!!!Routine is a motherf… As soon that is happening, they hit and that with a hammer!!!! I try to remember of all the good moments we had- I know there are not many- try to think of the things I liked about him. I think it is important because who doesn’t like a nice compliment, a lightly stroke over the butt or the saying, man, that was a great thing you did! I am not sure if I can do that right now and I also have to wait 8 hours before he is back from work, but I know for darn sure, I am tired to argue, I am tired of the devil and his work, and I am tired to be tired!!!So, wish me luck to stay strong and give me the signs to make the right decisions, thank you, God and this webside….

  9. Marion – I’m so sorry for what you are going through. It’s hard for all of us. Our husbands don’t always think about the hurt an affair causes to us or our families. When you first find out it’s devastating and as hard as it is you just need to give yourself some time to deal with the knowledge and take care of yourself and in your case your children also. Later you can deal with each other when you are a little calmer, don’t rush right into it when your so upset.

    Your right about the double standard. Men will be men and unfortunately there are a lot of opportunities out there and willing women who don’t care if a man is married.

    You had every right to snoop. It’s a gut feeling you get and they are rarely wrong. He would have done the same if the shoe was on the other foot. Don’t feel bad about that.

    Just take care of yourself first, get some rest. It’s a long road and hard work. Hopefully your H will help you. He has to want to make it work also. My H’s way to deal with this for the past year is “not to dwell on it”!! – I’m still trying but it is very hard when he won’t work with you.

    Good luck and stay strong. This is a great website, other women dealing with the same issues and their stories and just knowing that you are not alone helps alot.

    Take care.

  10. Toni, i thank you for all your nice words, needed it and I believe you jinxed it!!! My husband texted me already from work and expressed his being sorry to hurt me that bad. Felt great and I hope there comes more of willingness to make it right again. I even thought about to show him this webside and what I wrote for showing him that when I have nothing to hide, you shouldn’t either!! I already know what he would say,lol, oh, you left out a lot of facts for what you are guilty for!!! I know, but that would take thousands of chapters!!! I never said I am perfect, everybody has his/her flaws, but honey, this side is for us to cope! So, if I ever let you read this,I want you to know that I am hurt, my world is shattered, and that I thought about to leave you! But,there is one thing I always promised you, if you remember…as longest I still feel something for you, it’s worth trying! I have an ugly temper and when i am mad, I scream. I interrupt a lot because I have something to say as well and don’t want to forget! I can listen and want to do it even better when you let me know if you need me to vent or you actually need advice. I want you to serve me like a queen like I want to serve you like a king! I know this is all not an excuse for your actions or i take all the blame, but we all know that for cheating you need two people, not just for the act, but what happens at home is an factor as well. And for all those women out there, which see my very handsome husband every day at his work, let me tell you: stop doing what you doing, single or married because you are the shame for our sex! You give yourself a bad image and you are just getting used for whatever purpose the man you with needs you for! You might grow up one day or get smarter, build a family and when it happens to you, remember this side and my words! Thank you Toni -again- for your support, and yes, I will start to take time out for me, already took a nice ,hot bath, felt great!!! And there will be more to come!! Hopefully everything just works out fine, for everybodies sake!

    1. Crushed English Rose and Marion

      Crushed English Rose – Are you still out there? I seemed to of missed your comment, let me know if you are still reading this, if so please give an update!

      Marion – yes, the drama. A couple of things that pop out to tell you right away. I know you moved to a new country for your husband, which is great. But I really want you no matter what happens to get ‘out there’. Start to explore where you are, join interest group, maybe there is a German’s in America group or something, I am not sure, but I really want you to make sure you make time to explore your passions and interests. As women we always sacrifice 100%, and I want you to focus on making 20% time for Marion, you will feel better, and at the end, it will hopefully help the marriage. I know it’s hard with kids, but you have to do this for you.

      Second – yes that is wrong to blame your innocent daughter, that angered me for a bit reading it, and it tells me he is or was at one point ‘a blame husband’ – everyone fault but his. I know that must of been frustrating at the time. With your latest update it seems like he is taking responsibility, which is great, make him show you with actions, not words.

      Yes – like Toni said, double standard. I bet if you told your husband from now on, stay out of your business, don’t look at your phone or ask questions about your where about’s – he would have a fit.

      Privacy is earned, and it seems like he lost his privileges and has to work to get it back! Take Care – I wish you the best!

  11. Hi crushed Rose! Yes, I am still here and read your comment…
    About the part of doing things for me now, you are absolutly right, I already did some research for communities, but I also will renew my passport and from the kids…
    Nothing really was more devastating then the feeling to be so depending on the outcome of the recent incident! I sworn myself to get back on track and just build a little “survivor”-kit, ready to grab in case of not enduring things anymore like I thought I could!
    I also have to say that this is my first marriage and the third for him, so, I have to be prepared, just in case…
    The other thing you said about I am telling him not to touch my stuff, that was the creme de la creme- he never did, no wonder now, so he could always use that as an argument: I never touched yours, so why are you touching mine?
    Well, but what can I say, I took a bit time off to recuperate and to start to listening to my inner bell and instincts. I have the feeling that he honestly wants to work on our marriage and I told him I want to give him that chance..
    There are still a lot of questions about the other women, but I have to admit, it wouldn’t help to ask them because I would get the feeling, she would be around…plus, it still wouldn’t wipe the pain away,it would make it worse!
    I take it slow, I take it day by day..the tone got more respectful and there are more “thanks” to little stuff we do, for or with each other, thank god.
    He told me that he has a lot of fears and I was just listening…
    It is hard not to fall into the role of an analytical nurse, but I am glad to have the psychological education of my occupation and the time off to calm down to be able to just listen…
    Oh, don’t worry, girls, I also took the chance of, having him in that speaking and understanding mode, to explain to him that we are not alone and that I thought that is what marriage is about- to go through hard times TOGETHER, as a team.
    So, the work right now is on the communication part, big thing…
    Sure I want to hear from work- vent- but if someone try to get to you, I want to hear that as well( to have the chance to avoid it, what is missing?)
    I think a big part of misunderstandings or wrong decisions are coming from assuming things…to assume, I would hurt the other one or he/she would never understand that! People, never forget, we go through so many stages in life, how you suppose to know in which one you are in when you don’t let the other one know? Moms, Dads, did it never happened to you that your Baby fell from something down and all of the sudden you found out, it can roll to the side now because it is in that stage?
    I know when my snooping started, when something was different, but are we really honest if we would say there weren’t any signs before?
    My husband is lucky to have me because I am like a freaking open book, most of the time he knows when my PMS starts!!!
    So, guess what, honey, your PMS is going on for a while and I will be the freaking tampon,lol!
    I am glad that I found this side, not glad to find out that there are so many of us, but you know that is just telling me there is truth in the part of man are not capable of being monogam, but if our vagina is the strongest weapon, eh, guess what, I have a lot of Ammo still left in me, how about you???? 🙂
    Those are our men, if you still want him, remember, what did let you fall in love with him? I still don’t believe that cheaters are born, they are made from society, unless they have a sickness, that’s different.
    Please, give me feedback what you think, just can learn from it and I am willing! Thank you for your ear or better said, your eye, lol.

  12. Here is a little post scriptum: I am sorry, I didn’t see that the last comment came from Jewels,not from crushed rose, sorry!
    Thanks out to Jewels!
    Oh, and another thing came into my mind…it might help for building up self esteem: there was an article I read once, saying that if they would try to torture a women in war, they actually would need more time for the torture to get info out of her or even no info at all then with men!!!
    For my understanding we are way more mentally stronger then men. They might have the physical strength, but we are bearing and delivering the Babies!
    So, please give us the chance of info before something happens!
    Let us flip a little( or whatever you do to compensate the fear and panic, which is arising in your inner female core) and when the lava cooled down, I guarantee you, man, we will have understanding and fight your war with you and you will be surprise what we will accept for you and the “team”!
    And like my wise german grandmother used to say (RIP) : Be the friend to retrieve the info – be the wife to give the mentally strength and support , and be the lover to receive what the other women could have taken away from you!
    Amazing advise, I will try to practice it, granny, love you!
    Lots of hugs to every women out there, which is trying to be strong, keep up the good work, however it turns out- you got my respect!

    1. Susie,

      You are welcome. Many cheaters blame as a default to distract the conversation because they do not want to have the conversation around cheating, easier to blame to change the topic.

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