Why did my husband cheat

Why did my husband cheat? His response.

Why? It’s the question that I can not get out of my mind, it plagues me.  I finally got to talk to him without fighting to try to answer the question “Why did my husband cheat?”. He is a summary of what he said in one sentence.

My husband claims we didn’t have sex enough.

While I was glad that he was honest, I was frustrated by the response. It is true; we did not have nearly as much sex as we did before I got pregnant. But I didn’t do this on purpose or to make him angry. When you are pregnant, your hormones change, and the things that you liked before sometimes have to be adjusted, which can include sex. I just thought of it as a bad phase in our marriage, a point in time. And I knew my husband was the type of person that could weather the storm. I was really hurt when he didn’t care.

Instead of seeking to understand and working on the marriage, he committed adultery—pure laziness in my opinion. We have really turned into a society that takes the easy way out.

I get that men need sex, I really do. But here is the problem: when you’re cheating, there is no incentive to accommodate your wife’s needs. All the ideas and suggestions I had to fix our problems were met with the attitude that we’d do things his way or not at all. He never acted like this before, it use to be compromise in our relationship. But when you have someone on the side, of course you can be a little more arrogant.

I think that there are many answers to the question of “why did my husband cheat on me?”. It ultimately comes down to men wanting to feel validated, and telling themselves that another woman outside the marriage can validate them. My husband needed validation, because while I was pregnant, I didn’t have the time or energy to validate him in the ways that I did prior to pregnancy.

Infidelity is an easy way out of a problem within the marriage. I feel that those who work on their marriage or sex life will have experiences that are much deeper and more emotionally satisfying than they will by taking the easy way out through cheating. And unfortunately, the easy way out devastates families all over the world.

Regardless of why people ultimately cheat, I hope that we can support each other in the healing process.

35 thoughts on “Why did my husband cheat? His response.”

  1. I agree, that is a lame excuse. He is just trying to make himself feel better for his selfish actions.

  2. I need to know whether my wife was cheating or not just for my peace of mind. I hit http://www.howtotrackmywife.com and got the bluetooth application and pc logger. Took about 3 days but I got the proof I needed – although it was hard – I’d rather know the truth than anything else. get the software and get peace of mind.

  3. EMPOWER ME PLEASE

    My husband of 1.5 years claimed it to be his lack of willingness to communicate to me. Regardless it is unacceptable and an extra chore I did not EVER think would occur. Sure we could try to get through it but WHY should I be inconvenienced because he was to selfish to speak up??? (After knowing him for nearly 18 years, having his daughter, and btw there were at least FOUR other women that he cheated with.)
    WATCH OUT. These sorts of problems create barriers that are extremely difficult to overcome. If they are not TRUE from the beginning they MOST likely will NEVER be TRUE. I see my life now via this quote>>>

    “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
    — Maya Angelou

    AND ONE MORE…….

    “I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
    — Maya Angelou

    TRUST THIS IS TRUE!

    1. Love, love love quotes! I like the second one, it’s very empowering. It took me a long time to get to the point where I felt it was not my job to fix this problem, so it’s good you are thinking that now. You are right, very difficult to overcome from a marriage standpoint and a personal standpoint. I wrote about a quote that helps me through the affair on this post below, I hope you like it, stay encouraged, and I wish the best for you in your personal recovery.

      Quote – I believe everything happens for a reason, people change so you can let go. Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they are right. You believe lies so that you will eventually trust no one but yourself, and sometimes, good things fall apart so better things fall together. – Marilyn Monroe

  4. My partner of 67 cheated on me with a 19 yr.old working in his office. I was going through chemotherapy at the time and have suffered 15 years of no physical affection. I was devastated and walked out on this person. It has taken a lot to get out as we were together for 25 years and had lived through huge trauma. But I just realized that all that he had denied me he had given to someone else. I felt he was cheating and had no real proof so I had him followed and filmed. The truth hurt so much especially as he denied everything until I revealed the names of the seedy hotels he’d been to. But then he blamed me for his having to turn to her because I was ill and going through cancer, had lost my hair etc etc….
    I had actually spent my chemo days writing diaries where I just described the beautiful things that happened to me everyday and saying how grateful I was to be alive still. We were on different tracks and I know that I was on the better one.
    Leaving a relationship where your life is quite good, even though major things are missing, is not easy. But I’ve had enough of not being loved, of being controlled, of providing strength for the other person, of looking after house and home and keeping up appearences. I am happier on my own in the long run although it might be lovely to experience a more loving man.
    I’m starting again despite the illness, and with disability. Wish me luck all you out there, I so need it.

    1. Kiki, we all will be wishing you luck!! Any man that blames you for cheating because you have cancer needs serious help. I have not personally experienced cancer, but I hear that chemo is very tough and draining emotionally and physically, the last thing you need to hear is something like that from your husband. I am so happy that you stated that you are happier on your own in the long run, but I want to change that to you are happier on your own in the short run, because you never know who might come into your life. Your comment is inspiring because for you to be so courageous to start again despite the illness speaks of your true strength. May you get everything that you hope for, take care.

  5. Kiki, You have the strength to do this. don’t let him blame this on you. It was his choice to cheat not yours! Men always blame us for their wrong doing, like we made them do these things to us they had no other choice to make. Yeah right! They are selfish and not worthy of the love we had for them. They through it all away when they decided to cheat. You can be happy without a man and be the woman you want to be. Hang in there and live everyday to your fullest, with love for yourself and knowing you did the right thing.

  6. I really admire your strength and truly wish you all the best.

    I am so very glad I made the right decision in turning down an “ugly” opportunity of becoming the “other woman”. I feared what goes around would come around. The person’s wife is also suffering from cancer and I could only imagine the heartache and emotional pain she would experience knowing what her husband was up to. I don’t think he would stop looking for “fun” elsewhere but I’m just too glad I was not part of all that!

    1. nbk,

      Thank you for being candid and sharing your opportunity and your decision to not take it. We need more nbk’s in the world!!

  7. In one year, since I left, I have gone out of my comfort zone many times. I even went on a holiday alone, with just a hired car in the outback in Australia, to see how it felt to be really by myself. I loved it, and met an amazing lady who asked me to find some piece of land for her in the area where I live. She has been living there for a very long time. I actually live in Europe and she had bought property here years ago but had abandoned it after a divorce. 40 years on, and we meet and have a 20 minute conversation in Australia.
    I have found her land, and I am going to build a small house on it once I have finished buying it. It is in one of the most beautiful parts of the world and I have a stunning view across the sea, 600 metres up. My friend will have a place to come to once a year. She has found her land and I have gained a place to be and we have become great friends.

    Every day is a challenge, but I have come to trust my instinctive gut feeling.
    I miss my old life, and miss my companion despite his unfaithfullness. He is full of profound anger. I think he thought I would never find out or react or care so much. Have no idea. In an email I wrote to him saying that the day he actually looked at himself in the mirror and understood what he had done to himself as much as to me, he would probably collapse.
    This seemed to trigger off yet more anger. Rather me than him!
    But I do wake up in the night in a cold sweat wondering if I’ve not gone off my head. The world without the label “couple” is a new one. I feel very vunerable but have taken the view that even the sad creeping depression that clutches at my guts is something that has to have its place inside my life. Accepting that it has come for a visit reassures me that like all unwelcome guests, it will leave sooner or later.
    The other thing I love is that I used to be told what a dreadful driver I was. Since my departure from my home, I have driven across London, many times, have driven in Australia, in Greece, France and Spain. My car is the only real home I feel I have at the moment but I am very safe as a driver and very easy and gentle.
    For the lady who turned down the ugly opportunity, Thank you……… I was touched to read that there is some moral stuffing in some people.
    Oh and I also went to my partners office and looked the 19 yr.old right in the eye and while taking her chin in my hand in a very gentle and motherly way I called her the name by which she deserves to go by. “prostitute.” I also told all the other workers what she was up to in front of her. I then went to the workshop and told the other workers that their boss was bedding his secretary. Then I left.
    They would all have know anyway, but it felt good to be able to call the protagonists of this seedy agreement by their correct names. My partner has asked me to return many times but I want a new life where I shall be happy.
    I just wanted to let you know how the new road looks. There will be others walking ahead of me and still more following behind. Its scary but not all terrible.

  8. Kiki, I am so proud of you! You found your inner strength, even confronting the OW is something I only dream of. My husbands OW lives in Chicago and I am in CA so I don’t think I will ever have that day. You do not need a man to make you better. You have proven that to all of us. Your days will be filled with happiness instead of saddness. You are the women you knew you could always be, Independant! Thaniks for your story.

  9. Well I must say, that all the comments make me feel so much better. I’m doing what I knew I’d respect in any other woman if she walked free. Buuuuuut it takes a steady head, and a focussed mind. Its a struggle and there are moments of faltering. In all the grey grit though, there are little twinkling diamonds that keep me going.
    I walk with crutches having been through a terrorist attack when I was 25. My buttock was blown off and that was what the trauma was about.
    I just think that some day I will find my happiness. It is the number one goal I now have in my life. I also try to find that happiness in my everyday contacts and in whatever I do.
    This morning was grim, I went swimming but felt down, and a bit lonely. Then I just said, “well my body needs a work out so I’ll pay attention to that and hopefully the grey heavy feeling will move away” It did. I hope that whoever is struggling with their grief, anger and agony is digging deep for the resources to cope. Once you’ve hit rock bottom you cannot go any further down. You may have to grovel about there for a bit, and it does take time, but then the diamonds come twinkling along, and are so much lmore engaging than the grit.
    I’m also very lucky because I’m a translator and have been given a fantastic commentary on one of the gospels. The gospel analysis has been a real eye opener and has given me something important on which to think..

    1. Thanks Kiki for sharing your story. Your feelings are real, I think every woman that leaves gets lonely and fears being alone. Matter of fact, some women stay in a bad situation wanting desperately to leave, but have that deep fear of being alone keep them in the situation.

      I was so happy to hear that you are experiencing time alone, I did that as well. You have to love being alone to attract someone that will love you for you, I really believe that and I think it is a part of every woman’s journey in this to spend time alone and get to like that and not fear it. I contribute a good portion of my healing to being alone sometimes I ask myself questions and sometimes I just think. Now that I am further along in my journey my alone time is spent working on my dreams of making a difference or being happy. You mentioned happiness as a goal and I also think that in order to find happiness with someone else, you have to learn what makes you happy. I enjoy the alone time and have no desire for someone to enter my life at this time, I want to grow and explore myself more. Yes I do think sometimes that I don’t want to be alone forever, but then quickly fight back with ‘I don’t want to be with someone just because I am lonely, I rather be alone and happy.’ Just within the past couple of months, I have met some extraordinary women that are not in a serious relationship, don’t plan on being in one, and are very happy. So either option there is hope for happiness, and that is a wonderful, wonderful thing.

  10. I will come back here once in a while to read how Kiki is doing 🙂 She’s so many behind her.

    Also, I hope to share my experience here with those who could possibly be thinking about becoming the other woman – or have become one but is looking for tips on how to end it.

    BTW, despite this person being all that I have always wished for in a man in (almost) every way, one element of truth is off-putting enough in that the person has the intension to cheat (or could have well cheated before). I am no angel and struggled quite a bit before reaching my final decision not to go along with him.

    In the process of doing that, I posted some questions to myself including “Will I be able to live with guilt knowing that pains could be inflicted on other people involved?”, “What guarantee is there that the person will not do to me what he plans to do to his wife of 10 years+?”, “What would he think of me if I simply and easily go along with his advances?” Regrettably, it’s a man’s world and bedding one more woman is 99.99% fo the time a “score” to him whereas it is viewed differently on a woman.

    Thanks to my good mother who had always taught me that if one has to be in a secret relationship for one’s own interest, then do not succumb to any illusion. Furthermore, I always believe that if a person is cruel enough to hurt his or her so-called “other half” emotionally, he or she could very well do anything to anybody. And in such case, I saw myself as an “anybody”.

    To potential other women out there: More often than not, people enjoy thinking or believing things in their favour. I did for a very short while, too. Reality is harsh and the chance of being able to “change” someone is VERY slim. My advice? Let those cheats walk their own paths while you choose your own actions wisely so that at the end of the day you could carry yourself with grace, pride and dignity knowing fully that you had not missed anything and had not been taken advantage of. Be alert, a man is prepared to say anything to get you into bed. Whatever he says, half it a hundred times.

    1. nbk,

      Thanks for sharing, great advice. I might create a main post one day around the topic of ‘thinking about being the OW’, I will be sure to include some of your comments.

  11. Sadly, I’m finding myself in need of this website … having caught my husband of nearly 30 years texting another woman just two short weeks ago. With our children grown and living their own lives apart from us, he has voiced in recent weeks that ‘we don’t have anything in common’…then about 2 1/2 weeks ago he told me ‘he loved me, but wasn’t IN love with me’. He began finding fault in nearly all I do in the home, with meals, social functions, and so on. I woke two weeks ago from a disturbing dream, which made me go directly to my computer and pull up our online phone bill. I had not checked this in years because we have an unlimited plan and I’d had no reason to track texting or phone calls. My heart nearly pounded out of my chest as I noted 8 pages of back and forth texting records between his phone and one other over a period of the last 2-3 weeks. He had already left for work, so I could not confront him. But (and this still shocks me that I did this) I dialed the other number. A woman answered. I told her my name and told her I was married to *********. I asked her to explain why her number was appearing on my phone bill as having texted my husband back and forth for over two weeks. At first she hesitated, but she finally admitted they’d been texting, but that was as far as it had gotten. She indicated he’d told her he was unhappy at home and planning to leave me. But, she also admitted she knew from the start that he was married. She knew him through his work, where everyone knew he was a married man, with grown children and grandchildren. I still can’t believe I was so bold by calling her…it was almost as if I knew if I didn’t do it right then…I’d never work up the nerve to do it again. I told her it would have been nice had he told me that he was planning on leaving BEFORE he proceeded to text and interact with another woman. I hung up and immediately called my husband. He was still in route to work and nearly wrecked when I told him I’d just called and had a discussion with *********. He started crying and pleading with me to let him explain. I was devastated. Crushed as if a death had taken place. I called a good friend and my sister, who immediately came to my side. When my adult daughter called later in the morning, and heard in my voice that something was wrong, I told her what I had discovered that morning. She too was devastated…but mostly angry. She then called and shared what had happened with her siblings, and the children are as crushed and hurt as I am. On hindsight, I wish I had not told the children. They are very moral young adults (as they have been brought up to be) and are having a difficult time letting forgiveness into their hearts for their father. One stated that ‘thier dad’s selfish actions have changed them as adults’. In the two and half weeks since I found out, he’s told me so many times he’s sorry…he’s ashamed…he loves me….and that he was caught up in a ‘head game’ of her saying exactly what he needed to hear, making him feel good about himself. I truly believe he is sorry….but sometimes I thinks he’s only sorry “because he got caught”. I really do believe that it had only gotten as far as texting, a few lunches, and briefly kissing (which he shared details of with me). His disclosures hurt me deeply, but I’m glad he told me these things, I needed to know how far it had gotten. I’m not sure if I’m going to remain in the marriage. Right now I just feel numb. I love him. I’ve shared 30 years with this man. He’s been a good father and a good provider. Up until this situation, our marriage has not always been perfect…but overall, he’s made me happy. I just don’t know if I can get past the reoccurring thought that always seems to be at the back of my mind……Had I not looked at the phone bill and caught him when I did, he would have slept with this woman, and it would have gone on for much longer…until I discovered it….or until he left me for her. This fact…and I know it as a fact…is what I’m struggling with.

    1. Hello Allie,

      If I ever did the research to see how many times the words ‘I had a gut feeling’ were on this site, it is probably close to 100. Concerning your children, don’t stress about telling them, when you first find out, you are in an emotionally traumatic situation, you are out of control and no telling what you would do, do if that is the worse you did was tell the kids, it’s ok. Yes they are going to be mad at dad, but some will take your lead, meaning that if you are hateful and angry towards dad, they are going to want to do the same, so just know that might be something that might help the situation. And if this has changed them as adults, this might be a good thing. If you ever get an opportunity to influence this, I would tell them this situation should make you realize that you can never say ‘my husband/wife would never, because you never know, and with that said, make sure you always make yourself a priority, don’t lose yourself in a marriage, job, etc.’. I think it would be wonderful for them to learn that lesson now.

      Two weeks is still fresh, I always say no major decisions in this stage because emotions are out of control, wait until your mind calms down a little bit before thinking about next steps. If you feel your husband really made a mistake and let his wanting to feel good get the best of him, as him to take the lead to repair the marriage, ask him to set up therapy to see if this marriage can survive. His willingness to participate in mending the marriage is a critical sign. I wish the best for you and your family, take care.

  12. I don’t know how to let go… My husband of 28 years died in 2010. I was madly in love with him. We renewed our vows for our 25th anniversary. We had date night every week bowling together. He was very romantic, taking me on “dates,” buying me gifts for no reason, very attentive, everyone’s dream of a husband. He planned overnight trips, staying at some of the best hotels. Exotic vacations, just the two of us or sometimes with all the family and/or friends. All our friends and co-workers only saw his great love for his wife. No one, other than the OW, knew he was cheating on me. That would have ruined his reputation as the perfect man. Every woman wanted my guy. Then he died suddently of a heart attack. I was devestated. I lost the love of my life, my best friend. Then two weeks after his funeral I was cleaning out his car to turn it in and my spirit told me to look under the carpet in the trunk. There I found a very large leather wallet full of postal money order receipts made out to the same woman living in another state. I remembered years ago finding a check made out to this same woman for $500 and asking him who was she and why was he giving her $500. He said “I don’t know how to tell you this, but I gambled and I lost and now I have this debt to pay!” I asked him who this woman was and he said it was just a name they gave him and he had to send the payments to a PO Box. So at first the truth but then he changed over to a lie. I knew he gambled sometimes and after doing a little searching and nothing solid came up, I let it go. But now that I found all these receipts for money orders for years, I started going through all his paperwork. He saved all his bank statements. We had separate accounts. I called myself being a good trusting wife who believed her husband would never cheat on her the same as I would never cheat on him. He knew if I ever caught him cheating, that was a deal breaker and I’d leave. So I found checks made out to this woman dating back to 1997. The internet is a wonderful thing and will tell you whatever you want to know. I found the OW’s info and called her, left a message for her to call me. A week later she called, told me that my husband and her had a daughter, they had a “relationship” for 14 years. Not only was I still devestated with the death of my husband but now this revelation hit me like a freight train. I asked why didn’t someone tell me. She said “I told —– you need to tell your wife about your daughter and he said I can never tell my wife, she’ll leave me, I’ll loose her and I love my wife!” She said some other things that were hurtful and harsh. She never apologized, nor admitted they made a mistake, and how dare I call her house. In my search of finding all the checks and money orders, I found out he had a couple other affairs over the years. I feel so stupid. There were times my gut told me he was cheating, I’d ask, he’d deny, I’d let it go. One time he even cried real tears to convince me he was not cheating on me. In May 2010, my spirit once again told me to look at the details of his cell phone bill and I discovered he had been texting with this OW and I went crazy on him, threatened to leave him, divorce him. He didn’t consider it cheating because he “didn’t do anything with that woman other then texting.” I posed what if I called another man as soon as he left the house for work (he worked the night shift) and only when he wasn’t around, how would he feel. Like a lightbulb went off and he admitted he understood it was to be considered cheating. He promised me the moon, the stars, he was apologetic, he offered to go to marriage counseling, he told the other woman in front of me what they did was wrong, it was cheating (because she too wouldn’t admit to cheating but she only would call him after 10 PM most times when he got to work). She was married too. I eventually forgave him because I loved him so much. He was my whole world. Then in September he had what seemed to be a heart attack but the hospital kept him for 3 days, did tests, found a leaky heart valve, told him to follow up with a specialist. He insisted on going back to work. Also he worked two jobs for many years, insisted that he needed to work to pay the bills, couldn’t sit still at home, was a workaholic, etc. I was unhappy that he went right back to work and said so. Then my spirit told me to look in his backback and I discovered viagra pills. I was livid. He said they were for us, he needed them for us. I said you’ve been taking them for a while (dates said so) and he said again he was doing it for us. Then he died two days later. I also spoke with another woman he had an affair with. She was apologetic, sorry for causing me pain, yes they had gone to a motel 3 times (2002, twice in 2008), they started out as friends and it just turned into something else. They worked the night shift together. They only went to the motel on a Sunday night, his OT night. Said she didn’t know why [it turned sexual] but she always knew he loved only me, I was always first in his life, that when he told her that I was the love of his life, she knew they were never going to be anything more than what it was [an occasional night at a seedy motel], she left him alone and they just remained platonic friends. She changed jobs and didn’t see him any more. So here I am, more than a year later and I’m still heartbroken. I’ve gone to therapy for over a year and although the therapist says I’m better, sometimes I don’t feel like it. I do things with friends, I work a stressful job which keeps me busy, I have a huge circle of loving family and friends but I still hurt. Sometimes I cry so hard I can’t breathe. BTW I’m 58 but look 45. I did every thing and any thing for my husband so I still ask why did he do what he did. I thought I was doing everything right. I cooked almost every night, raised two fantastic kids, kept a beautiful home, was successful at work, well-liked and loved. I just don’t understand! I asked the baby mama OW why did she do what she did (why keep the secret) and she said because she was engaged (then married the man several years later) and he (my husband) was married and she wasn’t in it to ruin my marriage. Her husband always thought the girl was his biological daughter. Yes, after my conversation with the OW and her being nasty to me, I did seek revenge and contacted the husband and told him. They had been separated for several years by this time so I didn’t break up their marriage but he too was devestated to find out his daughter, his baby girl who he adored, was not his child. The OW went ballistic on me for telling him. I told her the bible says all secret sins shall be revealed. It was time for the truth to be told. Just like it wasn’t fair that I didn’t know all these years, he had the right to the truth too. I left it up to the parents with telling the daughter who her biological father is. Then the OW texted me one night and said her daughter wanted to talk to me about her father, that she would allow it if I was nice and respectful. I said it was too late for her to know her father, she should have known her father for the past 14 years. That I didn’t owe her or her daughter anything. She threatened to see a lawyer for some insurance money. I told her to do what she felt she had to do. But the girl’s birth certificate lists her exhusband as the father, there is no proof any where or on any thing that my husband had another child. Will I be forever in the abyss of what did I do wrong? Why didn’t I see it? And he’s not here to answer not one question. I can’t leave him because he left me first–permanently. I have a very strong faith and belief in God and that is the only thing that keeps me surviving. God and my kids and grandchild. I survive because of them.

    1. Hello Christmas Carol,

      Welcome to the site. I want to first say that in your writing, it really comes out strong that you are searching for what you did wrong and why you didn’t know. What did you do to deserve such betrayal and pain? Your healing starts with you realizing his affair had nothing to do with you. I repeat his affair had nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him. You will never know the exact reason why he did this, and I will be honest with you, if he was alive, you still would not know the exact reason why he choose to live another life. Your husband had some problems and was in denial of those problems. There is no profile of a wife that will get cheated on because cheating and responsibility of cheating is with the cheater, not the other party. I really want you to understand this because their is NO need for you to live the rest of your life feeling like you did something to cause him to cheat – you did not do anything wrong. And why did you not know all this time? You didn’t know because you loved and believed in your husband to his core, and never would of thought he would do such a thing, not a crime in that thinking.

      And the loving times you spent with your husband are still loving times spent with your husband. Meaning I know finding out about the affair has been a horrific experience for you, but it in no way erases the good times that you and him had together. Good times are good times, cherish those times. I want you to say to yourself everyday “I was a good wife to my husband, and I cherish the good memories. I am not accountable for his actions, I can only control my actions, and since I control my actions, I will make an effort everyday to love myself and know that I am perfect just the way I am”. Your husband wants you to feel that way, one of the reasons he probably hide it so so well is because he never wanted to see you hurt by finding out.

      I watched an Oprah show and this lady was on that found out her husband had 5 affairs after he died, if you haven’t read it already, I would recommend it. I haven’t read it but you could probably relate to all of the feelings. The book is called – Perfection: A Memoir of Betrayal and Renewal. You will overcome these emotions….

  13. Thank you Jewel. Everything you’ve said either I’ve said it to myself or a therapist has said it to me. That my husband was a narcissitic and the OW is mentally unstable who will never admit she did anything wrong. She still blames me for all that went wrong with this whole affair mess. That I am the horrible revengeful vindictive person who know about his affair along and was just emotionally blackmailing my husband. She said my husband told her that he got her pregnant on purpose and that she should have been flattered that she had his child. She left these rantings on my cell phone message and I never returned her calls, never addressed them. Sometimes I wish I had and most times, I know it would be worthless because she’d never really listen or believe my words. I had already told her had I known I would have left him. Hell he told her himself, she said it herself, that if I ever found out, he’d lose me, I’d leave him. Someone also told me that my husband must have really loved me and respected me to work so hard at my not finding out about his cheating ways, he told no one, not even his very best friends. Well thanks again for responding to my post. I keep praying everyday that God will heal my heart one day. My therapist said I can’t heal until I forgive him and that he was so ashamed at what he did that it killed him eventually.

  14. Christmas Carol, I read your story and feel your pain. Though you say it’s been a year and you heart still hurts because your therapist say you have to forgive may not even help. I forgave my husband two times only to have him break it over and over again. Forgiviness only works when you are ready to do it! No one can tell you when to do it. It may take you another yr or two to get there but only when your thoughts about everything he has done subsides. Like Jewels said try to think of the good life you had together and the fun times. He apparently wanted to take all this to his grave otherwise he wouldn’t have tried so hard to hide it. There were times I wished my husband died just so I could not feel the pain of adultery, but like you I too would have found evidence regarding his affairs. Why do men think they are so smart at trying to hide things we always find out.
    Forgive in you own time, which might not be for years, but when the time comes you will be ready and willing.

  15. Thanks LisaP for responding. It’s a damn shame I have to belong to this broken hearts club. I forgot to tell the part that my husband was getting ready to or setting it up to tell me all. On Nov 21, 2010 (ironically the OW’s birthday), a Sunday, and I was getting ready for church but my bedroom was a mess–it was a mess from when my husband died suddenly in September, then we had the planned and paid for family vacation set for early November (he was suppose to go), so my luggage and clothes were all over the place–my spirit told me to get things in order, so I did. Once I cleared everything from in front of my dresser, my spirit told me to look in my dresser draw. I opened the top left drawer, my underware drawer, looked at a few things but nothing hit me, so I closed it. My spirit spoke to me again, so I opened the second drawer, my sexy nighties. In this drawer was also one of my toys that he bought me. I thought the toy had been in my bottom drawer and I questioned when did I put it in this drawer. It was placed right next to this very expensive sexy set my husband had bought me one time–stockings, garters, pretty lace outfit and all. I picked up the toy, turned it on, it did not work, I figured the batteries were out and I put it back, thinking how I used to tease him that my toy didn’t work, the batteries had died, that he needed to get me new batteries. I thought about the times I went to look for my toy (he worked 6 nights a week–that’s why he bought it in the first place) and he had moved it, hid it, so I’d have to ask where it was, so then he’d know I was using it. We played that back & forth game for a while til I got tired of playing games and really wasn’t interested in the toy any more. Well I put the toy back in it’s spot, closed my drawer and the toy came alive, started vibrating. I was startled and reopened the drawer, taking the toy out, I turned it off, and my spirit said louder open the drawer, look in the drawer and I did and there were serveral checks folded in my drawer. I took them out, look at them in shock. They were made out to the OW baby mama for early 1997. One was dated Dec 25, 1997, with a notation “for xmas.” I think he put those checks in my drawer the night before he died. He put them in my drawer, went to work, his first night back to work since being hospitalized, thinking to himself, all this stress and secret sh– is killing me, she’s right, she’s told me before that what happens in the dark will come to light. When, earlier in the year, I found out about him texting another woman, he told me I didn’t deserve what he had done to me, he yelled at the top of his lungs that he was sorry that he F***ed up, I thought he was talking about the texting but that day on Nov 21st I realized he was talking about something bigger. I used to tell him how my spirit would tell me things and I think he believed it. So he figured if he put the checks in my drawer, I’d hear my spirit, find them, and confront him and all would have to be revealed. He could finally let go of this secret that was squeezing his heart but I think God thought that’s not the way to tell her. That when he died, he had $1,000 in his pocket–he hadn’t sent the OW any money since May when he and I had our blow-up about him texting the other OW, so he was 2 months behind in payments to her. Did God say, “I will not allow you to make not one more payment to that woman who is extorting money from you”? I found that money in his pocket while planning his funeral and used it to pay for his flowers. Another time my spirit talked to me and led me upstairs to our bedroom, told me to look through his clothes that he had had on when he died and that’s when I found the money. He had called me that morning before I left for work and we talked and the last words he said to me were “I’m gonna see you tonight–right?” I said “yup, you’re going to see me tonight.” It was afterall Friday and our Friday date night for bowling. But 15 minutes after I got to work, the school he did security for was calling me saying “Mrs ——, Mr —— passed out and we called 911” I rushed over there, saw him lying on the hallway floor, them working on him, knowing his soul was already gone, but I begged God out loud to not take him, not now, don’t do this to me, not now! But at the hospital, nothing could be done and my whole world as I had known it for the past 30+ years changed! Thank you to this site for allowing me to write my thoughts, very therapudic(sp?).

  16. Hello Christmas Carol, I just wanted to say something about forgiveness.
    I have had to forgive someone in my family. What she did was awful and I had a breakdown as a consequence. I won’t go into details because the problem in itself is not important for what

  17. I wish to say. (The computer sent the message I’m writing in automatic, so excuse the interruption) When I was going through the chemotherapy for cancer, I spend every morning writing in a book. I made a great long list of all the blessings I had in my life, and praised God for protecting me and my health. I asked Him to keep me safe, guide me and help me walk in His light, to be an instrument of love and peace. I then asked Him to forgive me for all the things I did, had done and was doing in ignorance and which were harmful to me or others. After this I concentrated on the person who had hurt me and after much resistence began to write beautiful things about her. I sent her my love, my care, my heart and all my best wishes, despite the fact that we were not talking, that she had not wished me well in my illness, that she had harmed me. I kept going with this practice day in day out…just concentrating on loving her even against my will. When negative thoughts came up I would consign them to God and ask Him to deal with them, recognising my weakness and the pain. It took about 2 months of dedication and then one day, I started writing again and sending her the usual messages in my book, of love and good wishes, and I suddenly realized that I had completely forgiven her. All that pain and weight disappeared and I was left feeling absolutely clean and weightless.
    We now have a relationship again, and I am thrilled to say that although there is none of the old relationship of trust and carefree affection, there is mutual respect and love with caution and detachment.
    You can forgive if you ask for God’s help. It takes quite a bit of discipline and you have to allow yourself to be helped by God.
    You seem to be a highly intuitive person. Use your gift with hard work and you will soon be free of the pain.
    I wish you well.

  18. Thanks kiki, I, too, when I first found out about my husband’s affairs wrote in a journal every night about my day’s feelings. It helped me get through those days. Eventually I stopped writing so much. My husband used to always encourage me to write a book. He always said I had a story to tell. We both have such characters in our families and friends that he was sure it would be a best seller. He neglected to tell me his story would cover quite a few chapters. I think my husband had issues with needing to feel like he was wanted, like to could be this man’s man to helpless in trouble woman, be their hero, their saviour. I used to warn him about befriending these women. That how could he have these secret female friends without introducing them to me, letting them get to know me and me them? That it won’t always stay just a friendship because women who have no interest in knowing me have other motives. Which what I believe happened with the “friendship” affair between him and the OW he worked with. Even she said she doesn’t really know how or when it went from being friends to something else. I believe she knows but couldn’t/wouldn’t discuss it with me. I made her realize my pain and admit she’d never want to go through what I was experiencing. She never asked my husband about me, who I was, what if I found out, how would it affect me, my family. She only wanted to be with my guy, no thought of future consequences. To me she thought like a man. My husband needed the adulation from not just me but now I know, from many many woman. I told him numerous times how fantastic our sex life was but he needed to show-off to others too. He knew had I found out, he lose the best thing that ever happened to him in his life–his words, not mine. I think he had a very addictive personality that he hid very well because if found out, it would have shown his flaws. He was addicted to gambling, the attention of women, cocaine and bowling. But led me to believe the gambling was only every now and then. We would argue over his use of cocaine and he knew I adamently disagreed with his use of it but he assured me it was only recreational, occasional use. But in looking back at his bank and his withdrawal and spending habits, he had huge problems. Once I would have found the checks in my drawer to the OW baby mama, he would have had to come out with that he had an illegtimate child. But I am certain everything else would have come out too and that would have been too devestating for him to bear. I think he thought he had to finally tell me but thought all the other affairs would remain secrets. But knowing me, once the other child story came out, I would have left no stone unturned and his demise would be certain. So I say all this because, although I don’t like the way things went, they are what they are. They happened exactly as they were suppose to happen. For more than 30 years I was only to experience this great love affair with my husband. I was not to know of his deep dark side. We were destined to be together till death do us part. Other than his OW no one else was to know of his philandering, his reputation was protected. I’ve told a few people my story since his death because I was tired of the secrets. As always, thanks for listening.

  19. I’m 31 and pregnant with my 3rd child and my husband cheats on my and denies it, as if I was crazy.. I have had a bad history with him cheating but always had hope that he would change. I even walked in on him with another woman with my son by my side not knowing what I was walking in on. And we seperated for a while but he was so sorry and wanted me back. And we have had our problems throughout years but no matter what proof i had he swears he was and is not doing anything. Its so bad that I dream and whether it be who he is cheating on me with , to dreams waking me up just to check his phone in the middle of the nigh. And my dreams have not let me down I would check and there was a text from one of them. Then there is one i recently cant get rid of, I have spoken to her several times and doens’t care he is married,has kids or even care i’m pregnant. She says to me, He is screwing me and is going to continue to screw me and he isn’t going to stop, So I have to deal with it. Then she tells me when he works 3rd shift he picks her up in his work truck and screws her in the truck. But i can’t get rid of her. She must be yound but I have approached him he keeps denying it saying i’m crazy. Then when a text comes thru and i see her number he erases right away and said he never had texts come thru once again i’m crazy and laughs. I believe he has been seeing her for about 6 months and I can’t take it but I also have no where to go. I feel like so empty inside, worthless, i am constantly blaming myself trying to fiqure out what have i done so wrong to deserve this. God forgive me but i’m 6months pregnant and have so much anger towards the fact that i’m pregnant. I feel its because of her. I telling him maybe we should seperate and he says no, he wants to be with me and that i’m crazy because he isn’t doing anything anymore. Even if he did stop, I can’t let this go what she said to me keeps replaying like a broken record in my head. Especially because she said he wasn’t going to stop and i feel she was right because its been 6 to 7 months. The doctor even put me on Welbutrin but i don’t feel like its helping me. I even get anxiety attacks,i don’t want to be at work or go anywhere. I just wish i didn’t care anymore and I don’t know how. Like an idoit I kept going back and I guess this is my own fault but I can’t let go for some reason. I keep thinking he is gonna find someone better then me.

    1. maryannez0318 – I have felt all of those feelings before. Felt worthless, felt like an idiot for taking him back, felt why did I deserve to be treated like this? But I realized this – the truth of the matter is, he cheated, not you, and his cheating does not reflect poorly on you, it reflects poorly on him. I know you are with child, and i know it is so frustrating to be with child with a man you know is cheating on you. So from now until the baby is born I want you to focus on just a couple of things. 1. HIM cheating is not your fault. Say this everyday until this gets ingrained. He has a mental problem where he is cheating and in denial, and he is about to lose the best thing that he ever had, which is why he keeps saying he wants to stay together. He knows how special you are, he knows how valuable you are, and he doesn’t want to lose you, but he doesn’t want to let go of this other chick as well. But in order for you to get yourself together, it first starts with – him cheating is about him, does not have anything to do with me.

      Second, start to think about your next steps if you decide to leave. Do you have family support and friends that would be able to help you? I will be honest, you do not in any shape of way deserve to be treated this way. You are 31, have your whole life ahead of you, and yes, there are men that will treat you better than he is and will accept your 3 kids – KNOW that. Like I said before, he knows you are a good thing which is why he doesn’t want you to leave. But the problem with staying with him for a long period of time is that he is ruining your self esteem, and you are too beautiful for him to do that. No need to act now, but just start thinking about what it would look like if you left.

      Third – This other woman calling you…..does your husband know she is doing this? Your husband needs to check her. I hope he is the time that would find offense that another women is calling you and making his pregnant wife upset. Curious to know how you are interacting with her. To be honest, I would not interact with her anymore. There is absolutely nothing she can say to make you feel better, the only thing she can do is make you feel worse, and she does not deserve your time. Best of luck to you.

      Kiki – by the way, great story on forgiveness!

  20. to: maryannez0318 from NJ
    Here is something that I did and it works. If you pay the cell bill and know the password go into the account and block her number. I use verizon and it will do a temp block for 3 months then your just add it back in for another 3months after the first one expires. You can also see the usage for each cell number. You can print them out as proof that you are not crazy and the he is trying to make you feel that way because he is weak and a fool. He doesn’t want to admit he is wrong and wont until it’s to late.
    If you know anything about her, her name and address use SPOKEO.COM and do a breif search of her. This site is wonderful and you can get almost all the info you need without really paying for anything. It also can search email names, and cell phone #’s. You need to take care of yourself and the baby! I know it’s hard but you can get through this. Tell your husband if he doesn’t start taking responsiblity for his actions you will be looking at getting a divorce lawyer. sometimes men just need to be scared into admission! If that OW has a spouse contact that spouse and tell them what is up or a boyfriend. You also need to get help, support, therapy. Are your parent around? Are his parents around? Are you close to his parents. If so maybe if your strong enough talk to them about what is going on. Don let anyone tell you, you are crazy! That is their way of making themselves feel better.

  21. So I am 22 and my husband is 27 and he does the dating websites. He has told me that he is going to hang out with friends and what not and I call and find out different. I am an emotional wreck right now being I am 38 weeks pregnant and anytime he leaves the house now I get so strung out over it constantly calling his phone and looking up who he has called and texted. It all started with my first pregnancy which was in 2009 and happened only with 2 months of dating. I ended it the 1st time cause that whole pregnancy he was talking to other women on the phone and online in the wrong way. Then we reconciled and we got married and ever since then he has kept doing it. I dont know why either and it breaks me down so bad. I am a very good wife and I treat him like gold but he treats me like crap. I try to confront him about it and he gets defensive and irate. He has even told me that if I dont like what he is doing then leave. WHY is he so hateful? I know deep down he loves me but I cant take anymore. He is a constant cheater and liar. His father was also and his father also beat his mother and my husband gets so mad that I am afraid one day he might do the same with me and we have a daughter and a son on the way and I dont want them to be put through this just because I love their father. what can help???

    1. Brandi,

      A couple of things that might help you. I know you love your husband and want the best for you and your kids, but your husband is telling you what type of person he is, and the best advice I can give you is that he is not going to change. There is nothing magical you can say to him to get him to stop doing what he is doing – you can be the best wife in the world – you know why? Because you can not change a person, they have to want to change on their own. It seems like he has cheated with you in the past, and I am sure you thought that once the baby comes of you both get settled that he would stop, and he hasn’t. So the first thing is to realize that you can not force him to change, I know it’s a tough pill to swallow.

      Now, the next thing is to have a healthy baby, and get your husband to help if you can. Lay it on thick and tell him you need his support because you are weak from the pregnancy and need some time to think (which you do). You need some time to sort out your thoughts and do things that make you happy. If he doesn’t help, again, don’t try to force it, look for other means of support. When you are able to get some time, think about next steps. It’s not a matter or should I stay or leave, it’s a matter of making a decision and planning it out. You are about to bring a child into the world, no need to focus on leaving, take your time. As long as you have a mental plan, you will be fine. Has he ever hit you? If so, please let me know, advice is totally different for a man that is abusive. I was with an abusive boyfriend before – it is nothing to play around it.

      For now, just focus on getting your mind right, no action, just mentally understanding that it is not your job to change him, he is not going to change for you, people change when they want to. And then focusing on getting some time to breathe and get a break so you can think, that is important as well. I wish you well.

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