Who is leading the affair recovery?

The days following an infidelity within the marriage is always critical. Emotions and feelings are high, and you are literally trying to make sense of each day.

As women, we typically go into ‘fix it’ mode, trying to save the marriage after cheating. Through the tears, anger, and hurt, we try to figure out what we need to do in order to make the marriage whole again.

I started reading books and articles on saving the marriage. I constantly asked myself, what can I do now to fix this situation?

What I have found is that you can do all the work in the world to try to repair the marriage, but your husband has to be in fix it mode as well.

I often interact with women who are working hard to save the marriage, while the cheating husband is not taking any action. The marriage can not heal in this manner.

The most ideal situation after infidelity is when the person that has cheated leads the recovery effort. It’s really the first step in saying I’m sorry. Words do not count after affairs, only action, and if your husband is taking charge and leading the path towards healing the marriage, it is a good sign.

I know some of you (well most of you) might be reading this thinking, my husband is just not the type. That is fine, my ex-husband was not the type either. If this is the case, hold him accountable for small actions.  Meaning if I recommend a couple of books that will help aid the recovery, my husband should be willing to go to the bookstore or order the books. Cheating husbands have to put in action after the affair if they want a fighting chance of saving the marriage. If your husband is not taking action, observe his behavior. Do not try to overcompensate for his lack of trying, that is not your job. Watch and observe his actions, they will lead you towards the next course of action for yourself and within the marriage.

4 thoughts on “Who is leading the affair recovery?”

  1. I caught my husband cheating via calling the other women’s phone and had her put him on. We had words and I am so devasted. He tells me he does not know what to do and he needs to sort itout. I went on a cruise with my child and family in the begining of January, he went looking. He found a woman, told her he wasn’t married and began the affair. It was going on for about a month. He had to go out of state to look for work and took her with him. My intuition guided me when he refused to answer the phone. I called her while they were in the hotwl.

    Since then, he hasn’t called, hasn’t returned my texts, I need some contact. I am am having to tell people now because is the question of where’s Jack. We have all been devasted by this. He is hiding an won’t contact anyone. I went to his work to talk to him and waited. SOmeone must of told him I was there, he called in sick.

    I figure no answer is an answer. ALl of his belongings are here. It is like he died. The pain has been excruiting. I keep losing weight and can’t keep any food in me for long. Pleasee help. I am left in an animated state. I think I am going to go to my lawyer this week. He is forcing my hand by no communication and making it worse. Pleae help.

    1. Hi Elaine,

      My heart goes out to you. The first thing that comes to mind to tell you is that you did not sign up to follow your husband or find him. If he wants to not take ownership and hide, let him. Trying to seek answers from him will not help you, it will only hurt. You answered your own question – no answer is an answer. I know this has worried you sick, but remember, you are not responsible for his actions. The best thing you can do right now is help Elaine, focus on Elaine, and look at what Elaine needs. Say this to yourself every morning ‘Everything that happens to me is ultimately for my greater good, I have the strength and wisdom to overcome any obstacle that comes my way. I will focus on treating myself with the utmost respect, engaging in thoughts and activities that lift me up. Because I deserve it.’ No more focus on him, focus on you (ironically when you do this, that is probably when he is going to show up). Virtual hug to you, I hope you start getting food down soon.

  2. Hi Jewel,

    I caught my husband cheating when a text message came in. He denied it at first and eventhough my instinct tells me that he’s lying i chose to believe him. He had to leave overseas to work for a month. The day after he left, i checked on his mail and there i saw the pictures of the other woman naked and even saw some of their pictures while dating. I confronted him via phone and he felt sorry about it. He then promised that he will stop communicating with the other woman. A month after that, i discovered that they are still communicating via sms , emails and skype. The other woman is living in the same country as to where i am so her communication with my husband is thru internet also whenever he is out of the country. When i confronted m y husband again via phone and emails, he promised me again that his time it will really be over and that he wants to rebuild our marriage. Being devastated to the fullest of my core, i still accepted him. I found out that the other woman just wanted to use my husband as her stepping stone to migrate overseas and thatshe also have other boyfriend and both of them are supporting her financially at times. When i informed my husband about it, he just cant believe it. When he came back here, he told me that he will have to meet with his other woman to confirm what i have said because he wants to see her face to face and see her eyes if she will deny. call me stupid but i let him go. When he came back, i though all is over between them but he said, she denied everything and that i was lying yet he want to rebuild the marriage. I gave up, i told him that im letting him go especially when i found out in one of his emails that this other woman makes his life so complete and he cant live without her and she is her happiness and that no matter what happen he wants to spend his life with her until his last breath (ouch!). He immediately packed his bag and went to the OW. He came back after a day, fearing that i might loose my sanity and commit suicide but believe me i cant do that. He said he wants to rebuild the marriage because he loves me so much and he love our kids and that he dont even know what he feels for the OW but then he told me he is still confused and torn whether he really wants to stay with me or with the OW. He said he cant even admit to himself or to me if he loves or or it is only because of the thrill he felt whenever he had to see her discreetly. He went back overseas again and the day after he left, i spoke with the OT, call me stupid again but i cried when i talked to her and even asked her what was their plan. The OW told me that while my husband is in the airport he promised her that once he come back they will live together and leave me for good. Which is different from what my husband told me while im in the airport with him, he said he chose me and will be back home for me and for us to start new life together. My husband learned about my conversation with his OW and he was so angry that i fucked up his plan, he said he was trying to gently let go of the OW and i am ruining everything. He even told me that why dont i think that he is only trying to gently let her down? .. Which i dont think he is doing. He said that he really loves me and that he never had any plans of leaving me and our kids but i should understand that he still have feelings for her. I am now in a rollercoaster and i cant understand why he just cant really let her go. They are still communicating and i dont think it’ll stop. I just cant trust my husband when he said that he want to end his relationship with the other woman in his own time and maybe if i did not blown up the issue it could have died a natural death. Until now they are in constant communication and the OW kept on telling that i am liar and dangerous when in fact im not doing anything at all. I never saw in emails or heard my husband defended me whenever this OW tells something bad about me but if i am the one who says that the OW is not the woman he thought she is, he would always defend her and says, she is a nice lady and intelligent and decent and she can never harm nor hate you. I did told my husband that i cannot even participate in rebuilding the marriage if we are three in this relationship. He said i just have to wait and things will be okay and all will be alright and i should extend my understanding that he still have feelingsnfor her and that she is still in his system… I dontnknow what else to do anymore. Im so,confused whether to let him go so he can have his happiness or should i stay because he said he still love me and i still love him even if he cheated on me.. Im so confused that it hurts me everytime and it is consuming my daily life. He said he is always here for me and supports me that we can make it through this hard time. But how can i move on further if he ismstill in contact with her? Im so sad ..really sad…

    1. Hi IceMarie,

      Your husband’s actions are actually quite normal for a cheating that wants to continue to cheat. What they typically do when they are with the OW, the wife is a horrid person – lazy, not affectionate, can’t do anything right. “If only I can be with you (he tells the OW), it’s so complicated…blah, blah blah.” The OW buys it, gets excited of the dream that they one day will be together full time. But the husband is just playing her, telling her everything she wants to hear so that he can keep having sex with her. Has no plans of leaving his family.

      Meanwhile with you, now that you know, he tells you the same thing. Oh baby, I am so sorry, I never meant for this to hurt you. I will break it off, let me do it in my own way, it’s complicated. He says that he loves you and will cut it off. But…he has no plans of cutting it off, he still wants the other woman as well.

      I can say this in this way because if he was serious about not cheating, he would of stopped the first time.

      What you will have to think about at this time is, since you have taken him back a couple of times after catching him, he has no incentive to leave. If he gets caught again, in his mind he might be thinking ‘I will just talk to her again and smooth it over.’ The the cycle repeats itself.

      I think you even mentioned at this time, he is still talking to her. So since you know he is still talking to her, what has changed at your home? Do you still cater to him, is dinner still cooked when he gets home, do you still have sex? If nothing changes by him cheating, why not keep cheating?

      I hope you understand that what I am writing to you in is sincerity. You know your husband and family situation best to know what to do, but know that you have much more power than you think in this situation. If he wanted to be with the OW, he would of left already. He wants his cake and ice cream and if you want him to just be with you, while you can not control his actions, you can control how you respond to his behavior. Best of luck to you.

      **Oh…and all that stuff in the email about him not defending you….trust me, it’s all a part of the game to keep the OW feeling good about cheating. Who would want to cheat on a good wife like yourself? So your husband has to paint you as a ‘bad wife’ to make the OW feel good, it’s all a part of the game, try not to take it too personal (I know it’s hard).

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