We Are More Than Our Cheating Husbands

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We Are More Than Our Cheating Husbands post image

Photo courtesy of viZZZual.com https://www.flickr.com/photos/vizzzual-dot-com/

Happy New Year, everyone! I hope everyone had something positive happen to them over the holiday break (if you had one), whether it was watching a show that made you laugh, eating at your favorite restaurant, seeing family and friends, or something else entirely.

As we start a new year, my hope is that everyone can be in a more positive place than they were during the last year. Recovery from a husband’s affair is all about progress, and if you have made any progress, that is wonderful news! It is so easy for infidelity to put you in a disastrous mental loop.

I hope and plan for my posts to be even more positive in 2011. I am in a much more positive place than when I started this blog in September 2009..

One of the things I kept telling myself along the way to stay positive was that I am more than my husband’s affair. Before I took on this mindset, his affair consumed me to no end; I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I had to keep telling myself that I couldn’t let my husband’s infidelity be the demise of me as a person. I am so much more than this situation, and you are too.

You have abilities, skills, and lives to change for the better that are far beyond the circumstances of the affair. His mistake as a cheating husband will not be the end of you—refuse to let it be. It’s a slow and painful process, but if done correctly, at the end of the journey, you come out of the experience being a better YOU!

  • Danielle January 12, 2011, 10:20 AM

    Just found out my husband cheated. Again. We have been married for 17 years 2 kids. Our marriage is wonderful, beside for the cheating. I forgave him once because of my love for him and his love fir me. 1st time was at 5 years. I just don’t know what to do, he wants to stay together and says he loves me. I live him, and I think I can forgive, but I don’t know if that is the best. I know women will think I am crazy for staying with a 2 time cheater. However we get along great, don’t fight often, have a good sex life, talk often, flirt with each other, and our very loving towards each other. I am lost, my heart says stay, but my mind says- take time and think this out.

  • Nora January 12, 2011, 2:17 PM

    I wonder how did you tolerate this behaviour all these years Daniella…the qustion is do you still beleive him when he says that he loves you?
    I am a wife of a cheating husband too…2 kids and a life that is apparently stable for 5 years…I did tolerate with his being a flirtaceous man.. but i cant beleive a word he says about how much he loves me…i think nothing hurts more than this feeling..i dont know where will this end?!

  • Jewels January 12, 2011, 10:06 PM

    Hello Danielle,

    Your in a tough spot. You and your husband seem to really ‘click’ on all levels outside of the cheating, which actually makes the cheating even worse in my opinion. Did he say why he cheated?? You’re not crazy at all for staying him after the first time, I get emails all the time from women saying he has ‘done it again’. Everyone has different situations and if you were happy in the years after the first time, that is all that matters.

    The main problem you have now is if he gets the feeling that you will take him back again, he might have a subconscious attitude of ‘I got her’ which might cause him to do it again. I know you get along great, but he needs a strong wake up call that this is unacceptable. This is just my opinion from the short comment, I don’t know your whole story. I really think you should take some time to yourself in the next couple of weeks and think this through. I wish you the best.

  • Jewels January 12, 2011, 10:09 PM

    Hello Nora,

    Sorry to hear about your affair, you’re right, at this point in my life, nothing hurt more than this experience, it cuts to your core. The affair will take you through a process of rediscovery in yourself in which you will come to the conclusion if you want to stay or leave (which is a VERY tough call, especially with kids). There was a time where I was SO angry that he put me in this position. But I am in a better place now, unfortunately we are not together, but I am in a much better place. Keep me posted.

  • Ruthie January 25, 2011, 5:01 PM

    It’s been almost a year since my husband disclosed his affair. Disclosed, because it happened several times while he went ‘home’ for the holidays without me and the kids and met up with his first love about 5 times in total. If that’s the truth, who knows. I’m still here with him. The anger is still here but not as much. I do see myself as a victim as someone who was horribly betrayed and lied to. We had what I thought was an amazing marriage. Guess I’m the dummy. My friends used to say oh, he’s wonderful, you’re so lucky. That’s what I thought. I felt truly blessed, loved and we, I thought were very happy. Our kids are teens, we’ve been married under 20 years. The torment is horrible. I told him over the years, especially the early years, I would never ever tolerate a spouse cheating on me. I would leave him. Guess he made me out to be the fool. I’m still here and he still begs and begs for forgiveness, tells me he loves me over and over and we go to marriage counseling. Then at times, when my anger is too much, he too decides to treat me terrrible. He’s said horrible things. This is not at all the gentle caring man I married. I cannot believe I was lied to. I feel so conned and I hate myself for betraying my own values by not leaving him or throwing him out by now. I love him AND that’s not enough. There is no trust. None. He promises the world, has done all I ask of him, he has a very open life to me, I know where he is at all times, have passwords to all. You name it. He’s even agreed never to go home again, instead having family come to us. But but but but. I think my anger and distrust can never be overcome. I don’t know anyone who’s been cheated on that lives near me. I didn’t mention we moved far away a couple of years prior to his disclosure so I’m in a new place with very few friends, no family, no help. I can’t even work because we are in a different country. I am stuck. My kids think I should get over it by now, they don’t understand but they do go to therapy often. They just want their life back. Their security back. I feel like its all on me. If I leave I have to go back to another country my kids don’t want to go. I raised my children and they want to stay where they are. Some days my life is too much. I really have no answers and it seems no one else does. My therapist tells me I have to talk to my spouse without blame. Really? How the hell does that happen? No blaming? Calm expression of feeling without blame. Really? So I’m to express emotion WITHOUT emotion? I’m so lost. Literally lost in my soul. I feel robbed of an entire life and no one can fix it but me and yet my spouse has me in a catch22 situation where I almost can’t leave. I hate this world. Thanks for letting me rattle!
    Ruthie

    • Jewels January 25, 2011, 11:07 PM

      Hello Ruthie,

      This is why cheating is so difficult, it puts us in such a tough spot. I totally understand when you said you feel likes it’s all on you. It’s ironic because he cheated, but we have to be the ones to make the decision to stay or leave. That is the most difficult decision but WE have to make it, even though we did no wrong. You seem to feel very trapped. You don’t want to leave and go back to the country with your kids because they will not be happy. But it seems like staying is making you unhappy. You have been dealing with this for a year, and really Ruthie I worry about your health dealing with the stress and anger of the situation, especially you feeling so trapped and alone. I do want to acknowledge that prior to the cheating, you seemed like your marriage was good, and although you can never go back, no one can ever take those days away from you. If I were in your shoes, I would start to be a little bit selfish, and here is what I mean by that. What has Ruthie wanted to do that she has never got the opportunity to do? What are some hobbies that Ruthie doesn’t really do that much because of time, obligations, etc. You already see that you can’t depend on your husband for happiness, so start thinking about what makes you happy outside of him. It’s not going to make everything magically better, but thinking and executing on your wants and desires just might put a smile on your face, even if it’s temporary. Keep in touch and take care.

      p.s. – You are not a fool, you put your heart, trust, and soul on the line for your husband, which is what any good women does. His cheating has nothing to do with your personality, it’s a reflection on him.

  • Ruthie March 5, 2011, 9:07 PM

    Hi me again. Thank you for the reply. I started to consider for a month what you said about ‘me’. Thinking about me, my hobbies, my life. I’m not sure things have got any easier, my husband still has issues of being 100% open to me, especially when it comes to his job. He’s hating being checked up on all the time, whines that – that’s not how I was before at all. No kidding!!!! Talk about denial. I somehow have no right – in his universe – to have suspicions, question and demand exact truthful answers immediately, not days later when he wants to talk. I’m tired, so very tired. I don’t know that I can last much longer. He doesn’t get it, truly. He keeps saying how he’ll change, he wants us to work, how sorry he is blah blah blah but actions – consistent actions and NO appearance of doing anything wrong or something I’d consider NOT OKAY in this NEW marriage standards.

    Since I’ve been more selfish, he’s been more upset and angry. He thinks I’m cheating now. NO, I just stopped paying attention to you completely husband. I stopped. ITs about me, my life, the world you destroyed. Its in my hands to fix now and do what I need to do to recover. (I’d NEVER consider even 1 shred of cheating on my husband no matter what he did or does to me). ever. Not in me, I’d rather rot in hell than do something like that. I could never ‘return the favor’ by doing that to him. The pain is unimaginable, more horrifying than I could ever attempt to explain to someone that hasn’t been through it.

    So I don’t know what road I’m on, where I’m headed but I have my headlights on so at least I don’t hit a tree a long the way. lol

    I’m headed back to family this summer with the kids and I think that scares him to death. Good, I’m not in the mood to take care of your feelings dear husband, at the moment, I’m still consumed with my pain.. Maybe a little fear will wake you up, time will tell.
    Thanks again, I’ll be back again to keep reading, you’re all inspiriations!

  • Ruthie March 5, 2011, 9:14 PM

    Guess I should explain this recent post from my initial one. My husband worked out of town until recently – at an ‘all boys’ facility on site. No women. Now in office, there’s women all around and now he’s not such an open door as he was for months. I don’t get it. He says he doesn’t want hassle from me and he’s being faithful. I said there’s NO OPTION, I need full disclosure. Battle is on – he says I’m controling, and I said – hmm NOPE I just don’t trust you – you have to prove it & build it, not my job to rebuild trust. Saying NO to me, not providing info when I ask… or just plain ignorning me – makes me extremely suspicious and I told him the last ‘no’ was my last straw. Haven’t worked on the marriage since, because at this point I don’t care, which is very scary for me to slice him off like this. He just doesn’t get it!

    • Jewels March 6, 2011, 9:09 PM

      Hello Ruthie,

      Good to hear from you. It seems like you’re still very stressed. I personally feel that is he really wants things to work out, he should be more understanding of you feeling the need for full disclosure. Especially at a time where he is not really being supportive of your healing, he is actually making you more suspicious. I think all men go through that stage of thinking your cheating. It’s not fair to you to live a sheltered live to make him feel comfortable when he doesn’t appear to be making an accommodations for you to be comfortable. Him not wanting to give you full disclosure would make any wife suspicious, especially if he has a job now with women all around him. The marriage should be worth the hassle. Unfortunately, it seems like his mind is made up about what needs to take place from this point forward. I hope things change for the better…………..

  • Susan April 2, 2011, 1:57 PM

    Hi ladies,
    This is my first time on this post. I’m not the brightest computer person as I thought once I signed up for email notification on a post it meant all of them! Oh well, with that said I will participate in this very important discussion.
    Jewels knows it’s been 20months since I caught my husband and 18 months as best I can tell that his thing with that thing ended. I am still very stuck and experiencing a lot of the same things as you Ruthie. My pain and anger are still very high. I am glad to hear that you’re tailing Jewels suggestions to ponder what YOUR life and needs and interests are. I have had to delay that since I lost my Mom six months after I caught my husband and am just now starting to do things for me.

    I have made up my mind to leave and told him I was and then backed down out of fear. I too feel stuck but have done a few things Jewels suggested. I am not emotionally equipped to work right now and weak as that makes me feel I know it’s just the terrible truth. So I decided to volunteer at a local shelter one day a week with women there. This is a residential type shelter so they have structured classes throughout the day and I thought it would be good for me. I start next week.

    My husband gors back and forth with the willingness to be transparent as well. One day he will say things like “you know where I am so you shouldn’t be worried” and ten minutes later gets mad that I’m looking at his phone and says he can’t live under so much scrutiny. AHHHH…. Never in my wildest nightmares did I see my life being in this much upheaval and be so filled with this much grief.
    So Jewels thanks again for providing this wonderful resource . It really helps me to not feel so alone. I’m thinking of all of you.
    Susan

    • Jewels April 3, 2011, 11:11 PM

      Thanks Susan for the post. I have been thinking about doing the same thing on the weekends that I do not have my kids. I use to volunteer long ago and it was so fulfilling to me. As far as your husband, there has got to be something that he is doing that is triggering you to want to check his phone. It could me him being a little too protective of his phone, a little white lie, any action that is suspicious will cause concern, especially after the affair. In an event, please let me know how the volunteering goes, I look forward to the update!

  • teresa July 10, 2011, 3:57 PM

    Tell me about it. A one eyes fat old woman that lost her job because she was screwing the mentally challenged patients at the rehab center!!! She was short and fat and almost bald with blotches all over her body. She had to be 70 pounds over weight. A real loser but my husband would sneak around to see her. I can’t forgive. If you would see me you would gasp at the difference. I got him off of all of his medications and made up for him throwing a million bucks after wifes and whores. But this I can not forgive. I am working 2 jobs when he lost accounts for screwing anything there that would have him. I am done. Loser man for the rest of his life.

    • Jewels July 10, 2011, 10:25 PM

      Many men don’t cheat for looks, some cheat just because they can. I am glad you know your self worth and are not willing to take this type of treatment for him. His loss. I wish you the best in your recovery.

  • Low July 30, 2011, 9:23 AM

    Hello I have been with my husband almost 21 years and, have 5 kids with him and, found out he cheated on me when I was prego with are last child 6 years ago. Then to top it off all this women and girls that are as old as are oldest age, and are friends with her keep saying they have had done foreplay with him he said there all lies and they are phyco, I don’t believe him or anything he says anymore, what am I to do?? I have never been with another man in my life and I have let my self go……….. I have never felt so unsure of anything in my life……..I think it’s time to move on!

    • Jewels July 31, 2011, 12:34 AM

      Your question is pretty loaded (What am I to do?). I think it all depends on where you are at in the affair recovery. You are perfectly fine in your thinking of not trusting him, especially if he hasn’t giving you anything to help rebuild that trust. As far as letting yourself go, no big deal, you would be amazing at how you can snap back into being ‘that woman’ just takes some time and gusto!! I think your first decision is do you want to work things out with your husband? If so, are both of you in counseling, does he take charge of helping to rebuild the marriage, is he open with his email/phones or still protective? If you decided to leave, that’s fine, it might take you some time to figure out your plan, but you can do it. Research how divorce works where you are, to make sure you and your kids will be ok. Think about your exit plan, just because you plan to leave doesn’t mean you leave the next day.

      So essentially you have several options, it all depends on what direction your want to take with the marriage at this point, good luck.

  • Hayley August 18, 2011, 9:44 AM

    Hello,my husband revealed to me 4 days ago that he had cheated on me. We have been together since we were 16-childhood sweethearts,only ever been with each other and married 5 years with a beautiful 2yr old son. He confessed to me that he suspected he had an STD and so we spent Monday morning bejng tested and will get results back in 2 wks. I should also add that after he cheated with this ‘women’??? (if that’s what you want to call her!) he returned home and within a wk slept with me and I am pregnant! So here I am 7 weeks pregnant and my husband telling me he cheated just days before I conceived our second child. I am of course devestated, I feel betrayed,angry and can’t stop asking why??? He says he felt I wasn’t there to talk to him,and that he wanted to get away from the stresses in life! He created a whole other person on this dating website, althogh he listed as married!!! He started exchanging messages with a 37 yr old women(we are both 27) who is apparently nothing like me,she was overweight and nothing that he would usually be attracted to.he insists he did it for a confident boost and was not attracted to her,he never thought it would become real life,however he then asked to meet her and did so 3 days after our sons 2nd birthday party.he went to her home and things very quickly progressed until they were at the stage of having sex and he says he then stopped it and said it was a mistake and he loved his wife and child!
    I don’t know where I go from here, part of me doesn’t want to give up on something I believed was so special…but that’s not really the case now is it??? I woke up feeling strong this morning, I thought logically about my options and financial state if I leave him and felt as though I was moving towards making a decision to ‘go it alone’ but I wonder how and when I will come to my decision. I am desperatly grieving the loss of my ‘perfect’ marriage and the thought of not spending my life with my best friend. Despite what he has done which I think is disgraceful, he is not a bad person, he just made a terrible stupid mistake. I dont hate him, I still love him but I wonder that even if you love someone, it doesn’t mean they are right for you??? I really never imagined I would be in this situation,he was not ‘the type’ ha-clearly anyone can be! He is desperate to save our marriage but I don’t want to be 5yrs down the line with him asking my forgiveness for another ‘mistake’
    I stil

    • Jewels August 20, 2011, 11:59 PM

      Hello Hayley,

      Although it might not seem like it to you, after interacting with hundreds of women, a couple of good things here. The fact that he opened up to you about maybe having an STD and proceeding to get tested is a good sign in that most women would not admit that they might have something and many refuse to get tested after ‘we’ find out. So the fact that your husband did both is a good sign. Yes, mourning the loss of the ‘perfect’ marriage is a huge mourning, seriously, it’s like a dream just got stomped on. And the choice of you staying or leaving is difficult. One thing that might help is if your husband is seriously committed to fixing the marriage, have him play a leading role in the marriage recovery. Tell him to pick a book that he thinks will help the marriage, and both of you go through the book together. Tell him to call and set up marriage counseling. You are pregnant and don’t really need the stress of trying to repair an unfaithful marriage, you need him to really step up and drive it. And then watch what he does, watch how he reacts. If he is really desperate, he would be willing to do the things I described. I know it’s tough to hear, but there is not a way that YOU can prevent someone from cheating again. But I will tell you that now that you know he is capable of doing it, I would, through time, think about putting things in place to where if you ever found out he was cheating again, you have the means and empowerment to leave. I wish you and your family the best.

  • Sandy-Sue August 23, 2011, 2:40 PM

    Hello Jewels – Guess I just found this section from the recent posts. I just wanted to let you know that yes, I am definitely so much more than my cheating husband! As you know, a few weeks ago I made the decision to move out (into our RV..at a park, not our home) after several months of “working on it” with not much rebuilding on his part.
    Well, I have been happier the past few weeks than I have been all year (d-day being 12/28/2010). I have been busy helping coordinate a benefit for a friend diagnosed with cancer who has no insurance; helping my daughter with grandson’s b-day party; going camping with friends (one being the one with cancer). I’m doing much better at my job and just overall in general!
    Funny thing is….now that I’ve moved out, he has done a complete turnaround. Now the remorse has set in, and he realizes just what his affair could cost him! 25-years of marriage, me, respect of the kids and family, $$$….the whole gamut has jumped up and hit him square in the face!
    And while I didn’t move out to put him in this ‘place’, all I know is it was time for me to move out to regain my own mental health and well-being!…so I could start to be ME again!
    While it does remind me why I’ve loved him all these years, his good behaviour over the last few weeks does not erase the months of pain he put me through. However, I still cannot seem to pull myself to just say ‘the end’…after 25-years of marriage….I still cling to the hope we can make it work.
    For those not familiar with my story — husband is not a serial cheater, but had a 4-month mid-life-crisis affair with a girl 1/2 my/his age! Several months of not being very remorseful or rebuilding…he just ‘got caught up in fun and games’ kind of attitude….finally sent me packing, and woke him up maybe?? We’ll see….
    Make it a good day all — hang in there and be strong!!

    • Jewels August 24, 2011, 2:52 AM

      Thanks Sandy-Sue for the update!! Even your writing seems more energetic and positive, I am happy that you are feeling good and doing YOU!! And I am glad that your husband is starting to see the light. Of course you will make the choice of deciding if you want to work things out, but just remember that part of you that is doing YOU and if you decide to stay, don’t sacrifice that for anything in the world, because a big part of your happiness lies in focusing on yourself and your own happiness. Take Care and keep us posted!

  • Sylvia November 17, 2011, 3:12 PM

    When the pain gets to be so much, I remind myself of something:

    Yes, our relationship had its struggles. Yes, we might have been having problems, or not. At the time he cheated, I didn’t think we were, or rather I thought we had worked through them.

    Regardless of problems we did or did not have, one truth remains. HE CHEATED. I didn’t.

    If our problems were so great, then why didn’t I cheat too? See, that justification doesn’t work. Relationship problems don’t make a person cheat; a person’s own bad choices and own issues are why. There was a problem within him.

    • Jewels November 19, 2011, 4:14 PM

      Hello Sylvia,

      Thanks for the comment. For some strange reason this issue of relationship problems causing men to cheat has come up so many times, I will soon write a post about it. Marriage problems causes marriage problems, marriage problems don’t cause cheating. But you know what, many men justify cheating by saying, we had problems in the marriage. Not sure where that thought enters their mind, but is it very common. I guess the only thing we can do is keep reminding them they are grown men and responsible for their actions, we can not make anyone cheat, lie, etc.

  • Ruthie November 24, 2011, 5:53 PM

    Me again… almost a year since I posted here. I have to say things have gone from ok, to me taking charge of my own life, to going through my own lengthy counseling from spring (still in it now). He’s seen my strength, my love, my patience yet HE still doesn’t get it. As long as I ‘behave’ and I’m quiet, he gives me what I need. If I step over that line and need to get through the tough stuff, he whines pouts yells pouts screams pouts blame pouts whines pouts changes the subject pouts, won’t help me through my healing pouts. Did I say he pouts. He throws temper tantrums. I realize after 20 years how much I’m carrying this marriage. How much I held it together. And truthfully – discovering how much HE never did, never took charge, never dealt with issues (he pouts and storms away, I give in and shut up)… well I used to. I’m living with a toddler who wants his cake and his truck and a puppy to play with. The lack of accountability, the lack of responsibility is astounding. He pouts, cries, says he’s sorry and then pulls more crap 2 weeks later, pouts, cries says hes sorry… well you get the picture.

    I have enabled him to be a child for all of our married life. I’m exhausted and unwilling to tolerate it. He has to suck it up, grow up and be thankful I’m willing to fight for now coming on 2 years. I posted first in Jan ’11. Boy have I grown grown grown but while I was growing and fighting for our marriage, he kept holding on to his word games, minimizing the devastating effects of his cheating ways, is NOT transparent, is not actually doing all the hard work like he ‘conned’ me into believing this time last year how ‘hard he’s trying’, how much he’s doing. When in fact, he wants the right to say he’s doing things without following up with action. Action is what will prove everything.

    Last time I checked his email, he thanked a co-worker from work for inviting him to Hooters for a Christmas party. Uh wrong wrong thing to do. Huge huge deal. Did he go? Well… since I didn’t remember the date and never followed through with where he may have been on that particular night, I don’t know and he knows even Hooters is completely off limits. NOTHING about being in any atmosphere that could lead to other stuff. He said he’ll never do anything again that I wouldn’t approve of or would not be okay with, whether I’m with him or not… but time is proving otherwise it seems. My only question is, how long do I tolerate the bull before I kick this over grown pouting toddler to the curb??

    Nothing about this guy is about building trust. He only wants to apologize after the fact and then remain the same. He doesnt’ get it.

    I’m getting fed up, really really fed up.

    Ruthie

    • Jewels November 24, 2011, 11:14 PM

      Hello Ruthie,

      Good to hear from you. I am not sure if your husband will get it, but it’s not your job to make him. If he is still in toddler mode then he is not in the position to really look at himself in the mirror and take responsbility for his own actions. Good luck with what you decide to do in your marriage. On a positive note, I am really happy to see how much you have progressed personally. It seems like through your growth period you are now starting to see your life and your current situation more clearly, which is a huge milestone, so make sure you pat yourself on the back as far as your progress.

  • Ruthie November 24, 2011, 11:24 PM

    Going to add another thing. (FIRST JEWEL.. THANK you for allowing me to express my pain, ups & downs and growth on your site, much appreciated). <3

    My earlier quote: “I’m headed back to family this summer with the kids and I think that scares him to death. Good, I’m not in the mood to take care of your feelings dear husband, at the moment, I’m still consumed with my pain.. Maybe a little fear will wake you up, time will tell.”

    Well he was a sneaky man. He managed to get his work visa ‘renewed’ a year early and had to send in our passports to ‘renew’ that took 2 months THUS destroying mine & the childrens plan to go HOME, where I need my family, sister, etc and the children needed to see their family.

    But NOPE. His selfishness stopped us from seeing family. Its all about him, the world revolves around him and for 20 years I DID TOO! Not anymore and that makes him very angry that “I’m not the wife I used to be”.

    Gee buddy, no crap? Uh lets see. The wife I used to be, never questioned where you were (assumed what you said was truthful). The wife I used to be never wondered what you would do on your ‘traveling’ marathon runs. (I do now, but did you think once of inviting your non-marathon wife?) uh no. The wife I used to be never read your emails or requested your cell phone password.

    Wonder why hubby? Hmmm I know, rocket science to figure out WHY (whine) I’m not the wife I used to be. Could it be anything to do with your immoral destructive soul-killing choices? On another note Jewels, you mentioned how stress seemed to be getting to me in March. YUP in Sept. I was hospitalized severe pain and bleeding and was diagnosed with 4 substantial stomach/bowel ailments.

    I guess when I said this is ‘eating me to the core’ my BODY truly took my word for it and reacted to the stress.

    Now I’m taking care of me more than ever, including exercise and my nutrition.

    Excuse my severe sarcasm. Its meant for here and my journals. I dont actually talk to my hubby like this. It would be profoundly counter-productive.

    Still, I do not know how I keep hanging on. It seems like I’ve reached my fork in the road and decided to see an international lawyer that knows the laws regarding foreign citizens & the rights to them & their children returning home.

    I pray with all my heart that I do not find myself this time next year crying over the same stuff without results.

    I AM at the stage of PUT UP or get out already. This is crazy!
    I deserve so so so much more.

    Nite all <3 peace

  • Ruthie November 24, 2011, 11:37 PM

    lol Jewels. Did not see your post to my earlier reply until after I wrote the update about our ‘non’ travel home.

    Yes I have grown amazingly.

    I have a hard time when I hear others say “OH the affair was the BEST Thing to ever happen to our marriage…”

    Really? REALLY? I’m thinking you can go through growth and work on a marriage that is ‘ok’ to being ‘great’ without all this unbearable seering pain. But hey, that’s me.

    The only way I can understand the above statement is this way.

    This affair has allowed me to open my eyes fully. That I did not have the fairy-tale life. That I spent a lot of enery pretending to have that life. The pain from the affair motivated me to heal, allowing me to grow and discover who I am, and take back my life.

    I do very much appreciate JEWELS.. your initial advice. To see WHAT Ruthie is about, what I love. What makes me happy (seperate from my husband). And I did. Dove right in head first and have not looked back.

    Would I rather me and the children live through the pain and heartache of a divorce? OR Can I be an example of overcoming something seemingly unbearable and being successful and happy with their Father? I’d rather have the second choice. To be happy with a man I still love.

    At this point in time, it is all up to him. I placed the ball in his court and walked away and told him he needs to figure out how to BECOME all the WORDS he speaks. When he’s ready to take action and move forward and no more ” I promise or I’m sorry” , then I’ll listen.

    Otherwise, I’ve decided I will be heading home. He has endless employment back at home (so work is not an issue).

    I’m sure I’ll be back. I hope something in my words will help others. Not like I have the answer to anything. But I do believe JEWELS is right when she challenged me to find MYSELF.

    I have and I’m still going down that path. TY TY <3 TY

    • Jewels November 26, 2011, 10:10 PM

      Thanks Ruthie, I am sure your update will inspire others to take a look within like you did. I know you mentioned the ball is in his court, I hope he steps up. Take care and keep us posted!!

  • 4mynewlife October 17, 2012, 9:46 AM

    I found out my Husband of 10 years was exposing himself on webcams to other women. I caught him because I had a keylogger on my daughter’s laptop which I installed to see what she was up to. He also masturbates every night even though we have sex nightly. Recently heard on news about prostitution ring that was busted. It was in different state and he asked me what I would do if I ever saw that his name was on that list. I said I would leave and now today is upset by my response. he said if I ever cheated on him he would never leave me because he could not live without me and thinks I should feel the same way. my point in all this is I’m very confused on what I want in life right now. now because of his response I am wondering if he’s ever physically cheated

    • Jewels October 18, 2012, 6:43 AM

      4mynewlife,

      It’s always a shock when we find out our husbands are doing things behind closed doors that we are unaware of. Mentally, I know your intentions were to follow up on your daughter, and in doing so you discovered some images and actions by your husband that are hard to ignore.

      That line about if you ever cheated I would leave – that is interesting. Either he is saying that as an indication that he might be doing something and he doesn’t want you to leave him for it, he wants an open relationship, or he is saying that to justify his actions and make you feel bad (she doesn’t love me enough to stay with me). The third reason is just a tactic that some men use to make you feel bad, don’t buy into it. Most men masturbate, a lot more than us women imagine, so I wouldn’t think too much about that. Your husband exposing himself to other women could be an issue if it bothers you. If it bothers you, and you are living with this secret of knowing what he is doing, then eventually you will have to decide how to handle it. It appears that your husband enjoys this activity and you are going to have to embark on your own journey to see what you are willing to handle within the relationship. It might be good to spend some time reflecting on what you want at this point in your life, what you will accept in a marriage and what you won’t, because if you address an issue while you are really confused, it really won’t get addressed properly. Ultimately you will have to decide which approach is best for you, but I do not think some reflection time on what your needs are and what you will accept and not accept as far as behavior from your husband might be a first step. Take Care.

  • sandra December 2, 2012, 5:33 PM

    Hello Ladies,

    Im so sorry that this post might be too long but I could really use your advice. If you dont mind, Pls read and give me your honest opinons.

    Well, My ex and I met when we were in high school and we will make 5 yrs together soon. When we first got together, I always heard rumors of him seeing someone else but i never believed it until i caught him in action. We were always on and off. When i just graduated high school, I found out i was pregnant and clearly was not thinking things througly so i got an abortion which i regret so much. After all this I went staright to college and wanted to do my own thing and didnt want to get hurt again so i broke up with my bf and tried to focus on me. During this time, I eventually started seeing someone else and he eventually started dating someone else too. while we were seperated he would always try and work things out. It took me so long to forgive him for cheating but eventually i realized that there was no one else i wanted to be with but him so we got back together. A month after we got back together I found out that the girl he was dating while we werent together was pregnant. I was so mad because me and him were together for two years. I felt like it was all my fault that we were in that situation. We broke up for a while and soon started talking again because we both thought that it was a mistake and we couldnt just let go of eachother again and he would tell me that i was such a good person that he did not want to loose me again. After i had forgiven him for getting her pregnant, i caught him plenty of times cheating on me. Going back and forth between me and her. He would tell me he was just confused, He doesnt feel love for her but she was threating him about not seeing the baby when she was born. Of course, I tried to look at it from his point of view and understood how he might be confused, So i always took him back.

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