After the Affair – The Questioning!

I am fortunate enough to have TiVo (which allows you to record shows), and I just got around to watching the premier of Trauma, which comes on Monday nights. This particular episode had a character that had an affair. One scene involved his wife asking him why he was coming home late. He told her it was because of work, and she asked to see his phone to verify this.

This scene really got to me. It made me wonder, “Does the questioning ever end after your mate has an affair?” I feel a lot like that wife. The minute my husband goes somewhere and doesn’t answer his phone, I get a bad feeling in stomach, because I think he must be cheating again.

Does that bad feeling ever go away? If you get a divorce and find someone new, do you still get that pain? What makes matters even worse is that later on in the show, the husband flirts with a girl. Grr! They’re basically sending a message that once a man is a cheater, he’s always a cheater! Is there no hope?! Or am I just being way too sensitive because this experience hit really close to home for me?

Infidelity really messes you up. My entire perspective on life is different now, and I am not sure if the “new me” is a good thing or not (Yikes!). On the one hand, I am less naïve. On the other hand, I am more into me now. On the one hand, I am more efficient; on the other hand, I am a little angrier. I keep telling myself the reason this affair happened is for me to be a better person and to help others in a similar situation not feel so alone.

7 thoughts on “After the Affair – The Questioning!”

  1. My husbands affair changed my life as well. I totally have a new perspective on life and new understanding of people and things in life. I have not met a man yet that hasn’t cheated. Even my father and grandfather. Not one! So i guess all men cheat. I have been an emotional wreck for almost two years now. I still do not trust him even when he says “i love you”. I don’t believe it. In fact it still hurts to hear him say he loves me. It hurts to hear him tell me I am beautiful. Cause I know I am not as beautiful as she was. She was also 11 years younger…21, my husband is 33 and I am 31. She didn’t seem to mind the fact that he was married while the affair was going on and they both were getting what they wanted from each other, although when he broke it off, she went completely psychotic. She would call and text over 300 times a day. She would even call my phone and ask for him. It just made my healing worse. After the discovery of the affair I was so wrapped up in trying to fix our marriage. Going to counselor, reading books, articles, making plans, date night, ect. I was so wrapped up in that, that I didn’t grieve. Now I am grieving! I cry everyday, two or three times a day. I still do not trust him AT ALL! That dang phone ringing is a constant reminder of her attempts after he broke it off. It could be just a sales call and I cringe. I don’t even want to be touched and I wished he would just stop telling me that I am beautiful and he loves me cause inside I feel it isn’t true. He lied so much to me for months during that time, that I don’t know what to believe anymore, it makes me question a lot of things during our 9 years of a relationship. Maybe he did this before? I don’t know. I myself also became obsessed with the details although after all the reading and counseling, I realized that was not the best thing. My husband blamed me for the affair as well and he has apologized but to this day I know that he is not sorry really. Whatever she did for him, he liked it and i can never be that for him. Things he said to me about her, sticks with me forever and I cry over them. Such as “i could have fun with her, she understood me, she was beautiful, she had her best interests for me…” makes me sick typing it. The sad thing is he truly believed that until she make a spectical out of herself and after that she became “that gold digger, that childish b—-, that dumb blonde” Only after she made a fool out of herself did he change his thoughts about her. I was even given a hand written love letter from her to him, cause he wanted to show me how much she loved him…I still have it and it makes me ill. Why would a man that says he love you and wants to stay married and work things out, do and say these things to you knowing and seeing the pain and distress you are in, knowing they make it worse and I will never forget them? This is what I have been trying to figure out for almost two years. Why is he never sorry for it either? I have never gotten a real apology for this. I am just glad to know, I am not the only one. Just like your articles say, I don’t tell my friends and family because i don’t want to hear it. I sacrificed most of 9yrs life with this cheating man and for him to not even be sorry for his actions is very painful to me, still to this day.

    1. Hello ChynnaMoon, welcome to the site. Many of the emotions describe exactly how I felt and how my husband reacted, especially around his words not feeling the same anymore. His touch not feeling the same anymore. It’s almost like a got sick to my stomach hearing him say I love you or anything sincere because it is now tainted with him cheating (My husband cheated with me with a 21 year old as well!!). These girls know they are married, are young, and just want to have fun and get some dates paid for, I still can’t believe my husband fell for it! My husband didn’t act sorry for what he did either, at first. I think it’s because they paint this picture in their head completely justifying the affair. They really think that their actions are ok. I also poured myself into trying to fix the marriage as well, but I finally realized that no book, article, etc. can make up for his lack of effort in making the marriage work, your husband has to put in 100% in rebuilding the marriage, a book can’t make up for that. It was SO hard for me to come to that realization, but it’s true.

      From a personal standpoint, you can not continue to live in this manner, it’s like your in prison. You have intense triggers (see the section of my site on triggers), that is really causing problems. I am not sure if you are able to do this, but I highly recommend that you talk to a personal therapist about your situation. Someone that you can really talk to and help you through these emotions. I am positive that it will help. Second, at some point, you have to decide if you are going to stay or leave the marriage (do you have kids?). It’s a tough choice and you do not have to pack up and leave the day you decide. But there is so much power in just you personally making that choice. Your interactions with your husband will change, your focus will change, and you will start the healing process. I wish you well on your journey.

  2. Wow i just found this website today and i sent Jewels a msg regarding the time it has been since i found out about my husband cheating its been since May 2009, and like you Im not over it, it can also give me a stomach ache just hearing a song on the radio (she made him cds). My husband has said sorry but like you i dont believe him how could i he had lied to me for so long… ewww, I get mad at myself because its given me such a low self esteem, and not to be concieded i am much more attractive than her, the girl was ugly and out of shape. ( I did met her) because like you i became obsessed with the details, which i dont know whats worse everything i know, or everything i imagined.

    1. Welcome to the site Lori! Yes, my journey through this has been a long one, but I am in MUCH better shape than I was before, and I learned so much about myself through the process. I ended up leaving the marriage, which was (and still is scary) with 2 young kids, but I am much happier mentality. I didn’t realize how mentally draining the relationship was until I left.

      It seems like you have Triggers, which are things that remind you of the affair and ‘take you to that place’. I was the same way, I wanted to know all the details, I was obsessed. I need to write a follow up post to this one to say that I stopped doing that. Why? Because I was literally getting physically sick with the obsession, the questions, wanting to know more. I also was obsessed with making the marriage work, it had to work, I did not want to be alone, raising two small kids. But my body could not take the stress of this so I had to let it go, and once I did, my health started to turn around, my self esteem turned around, everything got better.

  3. I too have been struggling for 2 years since finding out about husband’s secret double life of internet dating and sex with other women behind my back for about 6 years (more than half the marriage).

    I am still with him and have gone to counselling with him and on my own. I am starting a with a new counsellor next week as I find I am still harbouring deep hurt, anger and resentment over his actions. He has blamed me for what he did, saying we had no friends and he needed an outlet to speak to people. He says he has put up with my aggressiveness for 10 years and wanted to make friends.

    He is very defensive about what he did and now refuses to talk about it and shuts down if I cry still or mention it. I cried the other night and asked him if he wanted to know why I was upset. His reply was there was nothing he could do about it.

    Even though I have tried for the past 2 years to see if this situation could be salvaged, I fear the length and depth of his deception is just too great for me to be able to overcome. Maybe others have done it, but I dont know how. I also get told that I should be “over it by now”. Should I?

    I also feel stuck, although you mention it is in transition, because I have 2 young children, no job or degree and havent worked for over 5 years. If I had known he was cheating on me with other women and if he had been truthful about his feelings towards me way back then when he started, I wouldnt have left my job, nor would have I had a second child. I feel as though he controlled my life and decisions that I should have been free to make had I known his feelings for me were gone. He admitted to having “pushed me aside”, or “losing interest in me”.

    I guess he has always lived his life with short relationships until he gets bored with the woman then moves onto the next. His family were obviously aware of his inability to settle down and we didnt get married until mid-30s. Surely he shouldve sown his wild oats by then.

    I can only guess that as my father said, he would;ve done it no matter who he was married to. I informed his family recently about what he had been doing behind my back, and all I got was abused by his father who tried to find fault with my family and his mother not caring anything about it. Big mistake to tell them, they have no empathy nor could they care less.

    My self-esteem is at an all time low and I have been crying again for the past few days. If I leave this marriage now all I can think of is I didnt have children to have another woman become their step-mother. The idea of yet another woman entering my life (apart from the ones he cheated with) and being involved with my children is driving me to despair. Yes, everyone says leave, you will be happier etc., but doing that will mean another woman will be in my children’s lives. I just cannot believe that such selfish actions of this man can impact on the lives of so many. He justified his actions in his head by saying what he was doing wasnt affecting the family. Well it was and it has, in the worst way possible. I am just sick of other women being in my life. It is my life, I never entered another womans marriage and got involved. I kept my family safe and it was out little world. Husband decided that it is OK for other women to be a part of this marriage and my children. how dare he do this to his family, and think I would still have feelings for him and want to stay with him.

    1. Hello Louisa,

      Your husband seems a little toxic in his words. He seems perfectly justified in his actions (most do), but the way he is saying it to you is not nice at all. To have you cry and not really care is very hurtful. Even the words ‘pushing you to the side’, ect, is really uncalled for. You have self-esteem issues because you are with a man with low self esteem, people with low self esteem put down others.

      But realize it is not your job to change him. It’s also not your job to tried and try to salvage the relationship with someone that is not willing to meet you halfway. I think your father is absolutely right, the way that he talks to you, he would of cheated no matter who he was with, because again it seems like he has some self-esteem issues. People project how they feel onto other people, so his negativity and defensiveness towards you is just a reflection of his negativity about himself. Remember that the next time he says something hurtful. The comment that he makes about ‘get over it’, there is no way you can ‘get over it’ when you are with a person that is constantly working against you, not with you. I can see why you are having a hard time.

      As far as your kids, and your current life situation, I know it’s tough. You mention that the thought of your kids being with another women makes you sick. Let me try to give you some perspective on that. I think about the same thing as well. My kids are young, and I know he is going to get another women, and that women will probably be around my kids. Here are some things that keep me ‘sane’ in that area.
      1. There is nothing you can do about who he choose to interact with, so stressing over it is not going to help you. There are some men who are married and bring the OW around there kids! What I am saying is you can’t control his actions.
      2. Your kids will be ok, and here is why. Once that event occurs (some other women is with him), your kids are going to have an opportunity to see you in a different light. Right now you are mom, the only thing they know. I had NO idea how much my mom did for me, because I had nothing to compare it to until I had kids of my own. Your kids are going to see that early, because they are going to see this other women and how she interacts, she might be there today, gone tomorrow, but you know what, mom will always be there. So this could turn out to be a good thing.

      Lastly, get the feeling you might be overwhelmed at the thought of leaving. Just remember just because you decide to leave doesn’t mean that you have to leave at that moment. I first mentally decided to leave – which meant I checked out of the marriage. No more trying to work it out. No more arguing about the marriage, no more trying to find out if he was cheating, I was done. My focus shifted to my kids, getting enough money to leave, and planning, making sure that I would be ok. It focused on me, not on him, he was a lost cause in my eyes, and I did not have the time to spend anymore working with someone that was defensive and still cheating. It took me over a year from that moment until I walked out. Do your research, talk to a divorce lawyer just to see what your rights are. The more knowledge you have, the more empower you are. Take Care, I wish you well!!

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