The Stress of Sex and Your Cheating Spouse

My marriage is on life support. There is no sex, and we only communicate for the sake of our kids. I have told him that our marriage is over because of his affair and because I can’t get over his behavior, and that it’s okay for me to feel that way. Of course he wants to get back together, but I still think he only wants this in order to save face in front on family and friends.

A colleague recently told me that I’d drive my husband away if I stopped having sex with him. Mentally, I feel like my body will not let me relax and have sex, knowing he committed adultery. I want to relax, but I can’t. And the entire process of trying to rekindle sex after cheating has caused me great stress. The level of intimacy is shattered, and I am tired of feeling like I don’t measure up. I am not going have sex with my husband anymore, it is too stressful. Deep down, I know I am making a decision to go towards divorce, because my cheating spouse is not going to wait until I get myself together. I just need some time to sort out all of the thoughts in my head; sometimes I feel I am going crazy. I am less stressed because I do not have to think about the thoughts of inadequacy in my head before, during, and after sex. I need some time to work on me and reflect on why I am going this experience. Time to take a step back and hopefully after the process is done, I will be a better person and a better partner.

12 thoughts on “The Stress of Sex and Your Cheating Spouse”

  1. You can never go back after an affair. 16 years and I am now finding out that he has been cheating in Vegas with hookers. he will never change. Time to move on he is a cheat and a liar. Move on
    I am.
    sex what is that?

    1. Patty

      I am glad you are moving on. I stayed at first until I found out he was still playing games, it’s like seriously? But there is something better in store, even if that something is living alone, which I have done for over a year now and it feels great.

  2. Hello. I feel the same way about being affectionate and having sex. I always feel like I am not good enoughfor him and that’s why he strayed. I was a virgin when we first got together and had him ever since. I still feel like I may be boring and that he had more dun with her. She is after all 10 yrs younger than me and so that age difference makes it worse when we have sex. She is very busty and I am not. I am 35 and she is 26 so I feel like her body is more fulfilling than mine for him. I have extreme difficulty when he touches my breast or my butt. Because this girl can wear tight form fitting clothes because of her petite body shape. I hurts so much….everyday and since its his coworker he sees her everyday. It feels like I am giving him permission to cheat. Before his affair started, I was very affectionate and always touching him. After work I would unzip his pants and have fun, then I noticed an extreme foul odor from him. He was sticky and at times had white stuff on it. I thought what is wrong? Then I began to notice tiny sparkles shimmering from his area…I questioned and he said what sparkles? I don’t see anything! He would blabber that I was crazy and seeing things but I knew something was going on. He began to pull new moves on me while we were having sex. I began to feel uncomfortable and couldn’t perform or sex didnt mean anything anymore to me. I try my best each day to be loving back but its hard when you see traces of make up he only would deny. I don’t see him as the same man anymore. I don’t know who he is because the man I fell in love with is different now. Thank you all for listening.

    1. Hello Sheryl,

      Thank you for sharing and being so candid. Let me first tell you, after interacting with hundreds of women, that the fact that she is younger and has a bust it just happens to be that way. It is no reflection on you and your beauty. Cheaters do not cheat on someone that is prettier, they cheat with someone that is willing to cheat. I have interacted with models that have been cheated on, so looks are not the main reason, so do not feel bad about your body.

      I totally understand the sex issue, I could not look at him the same. You have to feel good and relaxed when having sex, not like you are competing to show your husband you are better, I could not get that out of my head and relax! And yes, I felt like since I did not perform sexually, that I was like giving him the green light to cheat!!

      BUT, I have since grown to realize that his job as the husband is to make you comfortable, he created this mess, so he has to do his part to help clean it up. He should understand your insecurities and help you through it, not get frustrated or make you seem like you do not know what is going on. So if you feel uncomfortable during sex, still no excuse for him to continue to cheat, and if he does, you have some decisions to make and decide if you want to be with when at your low moments of feeling insecure because of cheating does he help or cheat?

      As far as you sensing smells, make up, ect. Trust yourself, he might try to make you seem silly, but you know in your heart if you see something. Not saying to argue about it, but take note, and maybe if you sense something, you just give him a look and walk away, don’t give him a reason to deny, don’t say anything because you know what you saw, you do not need him to explain. You are so much more attractive than you know, I can tell from what you wrote you are very authentic, know that you can find a person that is going to treat you well. I wish you well.

      (I took out the part of the message about requesting him do things, after I saw your other update and know more of the story, I would suggest a condom or try not to have sex, but would not recommend starting serious confrontation) – Hugs to you.

  3. I have been married for 7 years and since the last two years of my marriage my husband has started to behave in ways that were not usual to me. he stayed out late kept his phone in his pocket, he got violently angry when i accussed or even notioned that he was cheating on me. Lets just say i felt like i was losing him he rather do anything but be with me by this point. as for sex he always wanted it as for me it felt uncomfortable, because we never talked or cuddled before or after and we could just have an arguement. but i did it anyways to be subjected to my needing spouce.
    a few days ago i recieved a call saying that i have an std and knowing that i did not step out during my marriage i confronted my husband who looked me in the eye and lied and swore and lied and swore some more, he even made me feel guilty for asking like he said i was trying to ruin my marriage by saying he cheated on me and gave me an std. but unlike all the other times i was persistant and he finally admitted that in our second year of marriage he slept with an old friend who by the way has a boyfriend who was travelling with her at the time. he said it was just sex she asked if he wanted some and he said he was drunk and said yes. he said there was no love making and he did not even cum. (like that should justify it) i asked him why he did it(classic question)and he said it wasnt me but he was in the moment i had been out of the country for three month and he said why not have some fun. afterward though(the next day he says he regretted his decision. i though he would have said because he missd me and missed having sex with me or something but no he cheated because she told him she had no problem having sex with him while his wife was gone(like really).
    i am still shock i cant beleve my superman, the man i trusted my body to, my well being and heart to gave it away for an offer he apparently couldn’t refuse.
    i dont feel betrayed i feel played because since we met he has promised his faithfulness in return for mine and here i was thinking i needed to make up to my husband for my pregnacy that was full of paranoia on my part.
    we have a three month old that i had to stop breast feeding in order to take this mediation. i cant even say i am angry at him. i am hurt. he just proved me right when i thought that i could never truely be worth anything to a man that i really am not as special as he led me to feel i was for the last 7 years, that our marrige to him was all on me to make work. that the only part he wanted to make sure he was in was the sex and fun. at least thats how it seems from an hurting heart.
    i got him the medication and he has started taking it. he walks around like nothing happened and like everything is the same. at one point he said there is no point getting into it because i already made up my mind to leave him. he does not grovel or beg the only thing he tries to get from me is sex. we had oral sex since (not him me) i difently would not suck his **** right now after all the way i feel is for the last 5 years i have been having physical and oral sex with that whore involuntarily. he doent understand this.
    I dont think i could love my husband again he put me through hell during my pregnacy he lied to me for 5 years about commiting adultry he gave me a piece of this woman that i have been carrying around since then he jeopardized my life and my childrens well being he allowed my son to go through seperation anziety when i took my breast from him. with his actions he told me i was not worth waiting for. before i could even consider having sex with him again we both need to get tested for everything and after reading that many deseases could be transfered orally and through condoms well he wont be able to do that to me anymore either. and can you beleive he got angry at me for not giving him some after what he did. he even tried to force me, like sexing him would make me realize how much i love him again. the fact is he made his decision and now my family is paying the consequences.
    the truth is i think the only reason he told me was because the std was past denying so to me there is no real remorse he just gave up because he got caught but i could be judgeing him wrongfully


    1. Hello Hurt,

      It is so hard to deal with this with a young child, I feel for you as I was with a young child as well. The lies are just ridiculous, and your husband is like so many, putting us at risk for ‘just sex’. I am glad that you are protecting yourself, that is good, I know it must be scary to hear that you have an STD. I will wish you well in getting tested.

      As far as your husband, they typically do not beg, acting like nothing happened is what they want, so they do not have to fact there own reality.

      I felt the same way, like in some way he validated that I was unworthy of a good man – NOT TRUE at ALL. Do not believe that, it is just your negative self putting together conclusions. He cheated, that is a reflection of him, it is not a reflection of you. His actions are not a reflection of you. Make sure you focus on YOU, try to take care of yourself and try to find some time to reflect on the situation. Take Care.

  4. Please,do not blame yourself for your man cheating.His thoughts in his head,his actions,are all on him.His bad choices were not caused by you.Husbands cheat on the beautifil body,the frumpy,the no sex lady,the highly sexual lady,the pretty face,the ugly face,the best wife,the worst wife,some men are just wired to be selfish and self absorbed.I gave my husband any sex he desired,bought him things,he cheated,said I gave our child too much time,money growing up,we ripped him off,he did not get the amount spending money he desired.I was shocked!!To get the money he fely we took,he ended up stealing from his job,gambling,doing hookers,until he got fired.At first I took 1/2 the blame,felt desperate,then,with time,research,I realized this was all the fault of his twisted mind.I got my self esteem and confidence back.I told him we were going to redefine our sex and marriage.Sex would not be on my terms,what I felt comfortable doing,my own unique style that was nothing like the hookers.He said it was easy with them,they had no sex expectations like me.Told him it would no longer be easy/lazy with me.Doing that gave me back confidence of my sexual uniqeness,my self esteem I was not competing with hookers.It is ok to do this,get some power back over your sex life.My husband was not happy,tries to do it my way,slips back to old ways,I stop sex until he gets back on board.In marriage,I expect,expect,him to always be honest,keep his word,not be secretive.Told him trust will not be restored until he consistantly does this.He does not like this either,but you must make cheaters do this,and set boundaries/consequences.Do this for YOU,feel like you are not desperate and have some control.I love my husband,have seen no signs of him doing this again,but I feel better knowing I was strong enough to set boundaries and instill changes that help me feel I’M not a doormat,not competing with the hookers,and not being so desperate I let him make me feel like a nothing.If he ever leaves,I will be ok,and kept my good character intact.Please,do not be afraid to tell the cheater life is going to be different in your favor,for your well being,or he can leave.Little children are better off not seeing you be miserablr with a not changing cheater,little ears understand in time more than you realize,and they notice more interactions between you then you think.Good luck,God bless you all,we all deserve better.

  5. I am glad i found this site, I have been feeling confused and overwhelmed with all the emotions going through my head and heart. My partner of 15 years has admitted to cheating on me. Now, it didnt’ come from a normal conversation, it all came about when he tested positive for HSV1 and clymidiya. He told me he loved me but that he had NO IDEA how he got this. I know there is only one way to get this. I went throught the shame of getting tested and finally that night in bed I asked him (after 2 days) was there anybody else? Silence…… and then Yes….I was relieved he didnt deny it this time and told me everything, every single detail to the momment it led up to the deed. He stated that he knew this person years (way before me) and he ran into her at a store and then a couple weeks later at his work. He works at a bar (security) he said she waiting till they the bar was closed and waiting outside for him. She was the aggressive one and he said he was weak and couldnt resist her. He doesnt know why he went through it but he said he felt disgusted during the act. He admitted that if he never got infected he probably would have never told me. He said it was only time time.
    This was a little over a month ago, we are trying to work it out, but I just feel as if I am ok with what he did, and I am not. I still hurt very much, it’s the emotional aspect that he was suppose to be mine and now I am sharing him with someone else. Sex is something we do, it’s our thing. He assured me there was no emotion involved. He has been the only man I’ve had sexually, maybe that’s why it’s hard for me to accept his actions. There are times that I feel we are going to be ok, but then I get triggers of when he takes his belt off and I just hate him and feel like I cant go on with him. I can’t do this. It’s too much. But I dont have the strenght to say to him, “give me space” I know he will give me the space I want. I dont want to write him a letter telling him I need time, but I, I guess I coward down to setting my demands. He is patient and even now still answers any questions tht I have about that night. He doesnt get mad.
    I just don’t know how to move forward, I am obssesed with knowhing who this other person is, I want her life to be as ruined as mine, why is mine messed up and hers continues as if nothing happened. I dont have a last name just a first name, so I search and search to the point where I go mad about it. Im so tired, my mind and my heart at war.

    1. May,

      I would like to share a couple of things with you. First, you are one month in, and the healing from an affair is a SLOW process. Because he was the only man you were ever with, the emotions are probably intensified, but normal (meaning what you wrote the emotions, feeling like you are going crazy, is very normal being just a couple weeks in).

      Don’t rush the healing and be EASY on yourself. This is a very difficult situation, it’s insane how difficult it is, so be easy. If you are having a hard time, do not feel bad bringing this up to your husband and talking through it, you might feel like ‘why am i not over this’ but in all honesty, if he is truly committed to working this out, he is going to need to be there for you through every trigger, tear, ect. He has to be there.

      I am glad he was very honest with you, I know it’s hard and probably comes with triggers, but hard honestly is the only way you have a shot at making this work. The more open he is (access to phones, ect), in TIME the more comfortable you will feel. Tracking her down will not help YOU to heal. There is nothing she can do for you, and I know you want so bad for her to hurt, but you can not make her hurt. Actually many times contacting the OW angers you more. I would focus on YOU, and you and your husband and seeing if you can get past this. Give it time, do not rush the decision, and allow your mind and emotions to process the events that happened just a few weeks ago. I wish you well.

  6. My husband cheated a year ago with a girl 10 years younger than me for 6 months and it took him a year to tell me. I take very good care of myself and am very interested in sex with my husband. Now a month after discoverey I have decided to stay and work on our marriage. I am being more seductive and inviting and he just won’t accept my advances. He says he only wants and loves me. He says now he has LOW T. Really? I find this as a challenge to outsex what they had and he won’t bite. What can I do or should I just walk away even though I love and need him?

    1. Hello Dawn,
      I am not sure if what he is telling you is true about the low T, but I can only imagine how frustrating it can be to have you man not only cheat, but have a problem getting it up. Is he upset that he can’t get it up, or more like ‘oh well’. If he is casual about it, that is a little concerning, as most men would be concerned. I also know some men can mentally ‘tune out’ of the relationship from anger, problems in the marriage or cheating, and when they emotionally tune out, then it could transfer down there. I would talk to him, see if he is really concerned. If he is ok with it, and you are not, then you both really need to talk about next steps. It is too soon to make a decision to stay or leave the marriage, emotions are all over the place, give it some time, and then re-evaluate. Take care!

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