The Pain of an Affair – Does your husband know?

Hi Ladies, I hope everyone is doing better than the day before. I am still plugging away writing the book and trying to manage life in between. It will be available within the next couple of months. If you are on my email list you will surely receive notification.

I want to share with you today something I have noticed about infidelity. I have had the experience of talking with men that have previous cheated on their wives and at some point visited this website. The first was my ex-husband. His reaction was something along the lines of him not knowing that I was really this hurt over the affair. At the time, I thought to myself ‘How could you not see the intense pain?’. I wondered if he was really serious with his statement or not. But over the course of the past couple of years, several men have visited the site and had a similar reaction. They are surprised. Shocked almost at how painful this experience is for many wives. I believe many husbands that cheat never intend to put us in a position of such pain. They do not wake up saying ‘I can’t wait to devastate my wife.’ One cheating husband visited the website, and immediately called the person that sent him the link and remorsefully said ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was this painful for her’.

I think a cheating husband might see their wife upset , angry, or even sad, but when they come to the website and read the stories, the words of the pain of betrayal put on paper, it is more powerful. Often it is difficult to verbally express our pain, especially to those that we love. And if you have been in a relationship with someone for a while, it is difficult for both parties to communicate without consciously or subconsciously bringing up factors ‘outside’ of the direct topic. If you have been cheated on and have a hard time expressing your thoughts to your husband, have him visit this site. The intent is not to make him feel bad, the intent is to give him a perspective of how you might be feeling in order to open up and facilitate a meaningful discussion. Hugs to you all……and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

11 thoughts on “The Pain of an Affair – Does your husband know?”

  1. I came across this website to see if there are others I could share my story with.
    I found out that my husband was cheating two months ago. And it was done in the worst way anyone could possibly imagine. He not only cheated on me, he had to pay about 22 whores, he spent nearly 10,000 dollars of our money, he did this while I was working or asleep, he did it for an entire year, and chatted with countless online prostitutes, the worst part is he did this without any concern of what he caught or who heard him talking to them about the things he wanted to do to them. (My child heard everything.) I feel so betrayed and disgusted with him, I can barely stand looking at him. Both of our families love us, but I really feel like I need some friends to talk to. His only excuse for why he did this was “I thought you didn’t want me anymore.” And every time he says that I wish I could just smash in his face or turn him in to the authorities for solicitation of sex. What should I do? Who can be a friend I could talk with? Or am I just crazy?

  2. I wasn’t the wife, but after discovering he had OW prior to me for 3 years i was devastated beyond words. I couldn’t eat or drink I was in bed for 4 days, I could have died just like that. It was the most horrific feeling. hence I decided to tell the wife. I didn’t want anyone to go through this. I’m not a bad person, and I seriously have gotten my share of pain.

  3. Hi.. I really don’t think that some husbands can actually relate to the pain that we feel after betrayal.
    I absolutely adored my husband and regarded him as my best friend and soulmate. Twenty years ago when our children were younger, my husband had a brief affair. My husband is a character, and stands out in a crowd.. he is well known in the community and thus attracts attention. I found out about the affair as he started to behave out of character … long story, but we survived it and my husband was so ashamed of himself, he begged me to renew our wedding vows and move forward.
    Things never really improved.. I think I was fooling myself. he became distant. ignored our boys. only did what was expected of him as a husband and father. but there was always something missing.
    After a few years even physical contact ceased.. It was a lonely time for me… he stopped working, so I asked him to be available for the boys and I started my own business. Once the business became successful, he took an interest and became the character in the store that people related to.. it boosted HIS ego.
    16 years after his first affair, I found out he had been having an affair for 8 years with a married woman from another town. This was carried on by phone, letters to their own private mailboxes and meeting up every few months for a night of passion under the guise that he was hosting a music event in another town. Her husband had given her approval to have a physical relationship as he was rich and 25 years older than her… my husband told her I worked too hard to have any time for him….
    What I have realised after all this time is that my husband is a typical narcissist .. I am the vehicle that boosts his ego as far as lifestyle goes, I provide a good home, good mother to our beautiful boys, a business that makes him look good,, but he doesn’t see or feel my needs in the relationship… I would ask to go out with him, beg to spend some time together, but there was always an excuse.
    The other woman was there to boost his personal self esteem… young. blonde. seductive and very desperate to hold on to him for her pleasure … the letters were sickening, they called eachother pet names,,, he was her “Magic Darling’.. she was his ‘Moravian Princess” she spoke of their secret sexy room and just tragic… no substance.. just feeding each others fantasy world.
    When I found out four years ago. the affair ended instantly, my husband begged, cried and promised to do everything to win me back. over time I have allowed him back into my life… Im 62 now and not interested in beginning another relationship. I don’t think he will ever understand or feel my pain.. he is being a good kind husband because it would not be a good image in the community if people found out .. so he’s protecting himself.
    For myself I feel lost and just keep going on. I am hoping to sell my business soon and take some well deserved holidays on my own to try and find the real me again. I love my sons, so I can never regard my marriage as a failure, But I no longer adore my husband… I love him as another family member/
    Thank you fro listening, it helps to be able to write it all down know that there are people out there who understand

  4. I just found that piece of evidence I was searching for and now I am crushed. Thinking maybe I was better off not knowing? Even though I just knew in my heart he was cheating, it feels like a knife to my stomach to have the proof. I feel like I can’t breathe and just needed to find a site where others have gone through the same thing and survived. Not sure how I will get thru the night, the day, hell, the rest of my life!

  5. I found out about my cheating husband while vacationing with our daughter in the Philippines. The OW asked me when was I going to divorce him so he could leave and be with her! Needless to say I was shocked! His excuse was she was lying, why would he send me there if that was happening. He claims that he loves me and never wants us to part. I went to therapy for my own self-worth. I know that it’s not me that makes him cheat, still it is hurtful. I don’t like the person I become when I start snooping, I try very hard to refrain as when I do I always find something new. I’ve sent messages to the OW’s, letting them know that we aren’t separated or living in separate parts of our house. As they have cut ties to him, I know they believed his lies. I told myself to give it time and not make drastic changes. I’m 1-3 years from retiring and not looking forward to changes in my financial lifestyle. If I could get him to leave but still pay his share of the mortgage I’d do it. I’ve been to several websites to get info on coping with a cheater, it’s not easy, I don’t why he feels this need and he refuses to look into it. The hurt that I feel is so painfully because it’s coming from someone who professes to care and love me and no one else. Once trust is broken, it’s very hard to give it back. I have to decide if I can be one of those people that stay married but live separate lives.

  6. I feel you Hun,I am still feeling it.
    I feels like torture every day until you get to where he won’t change and he either can be someone else’s problem or end up a lonely old man with nothing or no one left to love them once people find out what they truly are. I am still trying to stay strong and the most unfortunate part is when they are selfish, won’t change then pull their heads out of their asses, it’s too late. The waiting is the hardest part for these emotions to end entirely.
    I hope we can be friends Lori. Is there an email that you have that I can email you.
    We all need an appropriate person to talk to.

    1. Hi everyone,

      Izzy (I must of missed your initial story when you first posted, here are a couple of initial thoughts.) – 22 women – it doesn’t shock me in the sense that I have heard of serial whore type situations before, but at the same time, your husband has a problem. And until he admits it and gets some help, he will continue to have a problem. Here is the key, yes you are married, but you can not force a grown man to get help. You can only state how you feel, and have consequences for his actions. I am not sure where you are now in your journey, but I would like you to consider therapy if you can do it, personal therapy. Infidelity is very complicated and difficult, and sometime you need some help pushing though those emotions. You will be ok, I am not sure the emotions will go away if you do not address them head on. Hugs to you, this is not easy, but it is something you can overcome.

      K – it is very interesting the stories the husbands tell the OW. They will say how this is the only time they have done this and make you think that you are the exception, in which the reality is that most of the time it is all a game of words and fantasy. And no matter who you are, when you feel like a relationship was a lie, it is devastating.

      – I hope you do what you stated below and take some time to find you. It will be the most important time in your life. Make sure you do this, you are much farther along than you think.

      Lori – How are you doing now? Share an update if you can.

      Maggie – One of the most powerful things you can do is to know your options. I know you and your husband have built a wonderful life and you do not want to sacrifice that by leaving, especially from a financial standpoint. This is not legal advice, but I would do a search on free divorce lawyer consultant and go speak to one for 30 minutes. Not encouraging you to leave at all, BUT what a lawyer can do is give you a sense of what your options are. You never know there could be an option that works for you.

  7. UPDATE: well it went back and forth for us for a few weeks. All the promises that I wanted to hear were said, but at the end of the day, I cannot continue. I am numb still. I have so much hostility toward the OW, and that bothers me. I hate her, don’t get me wrong, but she didn’t promise to love me forever, it wasn’t her vows to me that were broken. He even tried to say that I needed to put up a fight for what she was trying to take from me. At the end of the day, that fight is not mine. He chose her over me in his own way. So many emotions and I feel like I am on auto pilot. I feel stupid for not seeing it sooner, I feel betrayed for believing in him, I feel hurt because of this trust, and I feel angry at the entire situation. Needless to say, this is my update – sorry it is so negative!

  8. Lori, we have been lied to as well as the OW, you can hate us, but don’t you think is him that you should be channeling your anger to?

    I have heard so many stories of the wife just hating the OW, and it is so unfair on us.

    I cry every night and have developed a lot of illnesses because of it. but no one thinks to hate him, just to hate us.

    Someone once said if we woman were kinder to each other, maybe there’s less cheating husbands?

    1. Hi Lori,

      He said you need to put up a fight for your own husband? Ummmmm…no. Your update was not negative to me. One of the most difficult stages in healing is making a call to stay or leave the marriage. Once you make the call either way, a weight (one of many) is lifted. One of the worst feelings is trying to fight for a marriage where your partner is not (been there, done that). Do not try to suppress those feelings, let them flow so that they can be released. I was exactly where you are years ago, and life is great now.

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