Surviving an Affair – 3 Quick Tips

Surviving an affair is all about preventing yourself from feeling low and depressed. When your husband has an affair, you’re often so shocked and upset that you have no idea what to do next. Here are some things that have helped me in my journey to recover.

1. Remember its okay to grieve. The man you committed the rest of your life to hurt you in a way you probably never thought he could. It is ok to be a mess over this discovery. I am going on a year and a half since I found out about the affair, and I still cry every once in a while. I am okay with that, and you should be as well.

2. Make a game plan. If you found out about your husband’s affair over six to twelve months ago and haven’t decided yet if you’re going to work things out or not, it’s time to really look at your situation and make some choices. You should either make a game plan to exit the marriage or a game plan to stay in the marriage. Either way, I strongly encourage you to think and plan your next steps carefully, because wobbling between staying and leaving is a huge stress to both you and your husband.

3. Take some time to be alone. I mean this in the fun sense of being alone, not the kind of alone where you sit alone in the house feeling terrible. Go to a museum by yourself or visit your favorite store or restaurant. Treat yourself to a good massage or a pedicure. Basically, do anything by yourself that will make you feel good. Whether you stay or leave your marriage, you still have to be comfortable being alone, because during those times is where you energize your spirit. Try it out for yourself and let me know how it works.

As you can see, surviving an affair is about focusing on your needs and giving yourself some time to heal. These are just three quick tips in dealing with cheating spouses that I hope will help you in your journey.

51 thoughts on “Surviving an Affair – 3 Quick Tips”

  1. Its been about 2 years since my husband ended it (as far as I know) with it with the other women. I still cry sometimes. I distance myself from all my friends and lost them before the cheating so I had no one to turn to. Spending time alone was helpful but I think having someone to talk to, that I would feel safe talking to about this, would have been better.

  2. Camille, you gotta talk about your probs. What’s sad is that I found out that almost more than half of women at my work have been cheated on. SOME REAL BATTLE WOUNDS….I felt awful….but the ladies at work gave me incredible support.

    Bottom line in any friendship…relationship…you gotta be healthy and happy. never sacrifice your friends, happiness, self esteem….ITS IMPORTANT. Its what I learned in my situation.

    1. Hello Camille,

      Before the affair, I did the same thing, did not have any friends because I was focused on the marriage and my kids, so when the affair happened, I was embarrassed and had no one to turn to. But I slowly started turning to those people that I distanced myself from and like Daisy said (thanks Daisy!), most of them all had a story as well. My post above talks about spending time alone in a fun way, not in a depressing way. After the affair, I got use to sitting in my bed being depressed. And when I was alone, I thought about how lonely I was. So essentially I had to get use to being alone, see there is a huge difference between being lonely and being alone. Being lonely means that you crave attention and you will seek it until you find it, even if it is in the wrong places. Being alone means you are confident within yourself that you know how to be alone and still have fun. This is important because if you can do this well, you will become less dependent on anyone to make you happy, and that is where we should all be. I hope this helps explain, I wish you the best with you and your husband.

  3. I found out my husband had an affair and it has shattered my world he was the last person you would have expected to do this.. he is desperate for us to put it behind us and move on but I seem stuck I keep picturing him with her I have read his emails and texts where he called her beautiful and sexy and says he was falling for her now he says that was all lies to her and he never meant it but I dont believe that, I do love him but how do I put this behind me when I look at him all I see is lies and the dirty deed and is so hard to make love to him now where before was great really not sure what to do cant stop crying over this

    1. Hello Helen,

      You are experiencing some painful triggers, the good news is you are not alone, many women experience this and have a hard time dealing with the tramatic sights that they saw. I wrote a post about my experience having sex after the affair if you take a look you might not feel as alone in your thoughts around this.

      Also, if you are able to get therapy I would encourage you to do so. What you saw is something that takes a good amount of effort to heal, and an experienced therapist will be able to speed up your recovery process. If not, I would suggest maybe going to your local bookstore and getting some books that contain exercises that both of you can do together so that you can increase th lines of communication. I know your husband wants to move on but the last thing he can do is rush you to move on. Ask if he would be willing to participate in helping to understand your feelings (by therapy or books), that might help. As you can see, there are several people here to support you.

  4. Helen, it’s going to be hard to make love for a long time. Mine also told the OW he loved her and that hurt the most. He told me he really did fall in love with her and that he just cared for me. OUCH! Men sometimes tell lies but sometime they just go with what they are feeling at that time. Our men are not men at all! If they were they wouldn’t have done this to us. I made my husband tell his parents about his cheating. My parents also know about his cheating too. The hardest thing is family gatherings. He has to show up and be humble if he wants to stay married to me and if thats what I want at that time.

  5. Helen – your story sounds like mine. It’s been about 5 months for me since my husband cheated. I found text messages, e-mails, letters, voicemails – you name it. They were in love with each other – they had a relationship. He says none of it was real, he always loved me and never wanted to leave me. He just needed to hear and say those things because he was in a place where he was feeling bad about himself. I think the hardest thing for me right now is in 2 areas: the first is that I don’t trust MYSELF. I had no idea and now all I can think of is that it could still be happening and I wouldn’t know. He was (or is) a very good liar. The second area is that he never fessed up 100% – he only validated what I found out. I feel like there is a big black hole full of secrets and lies that is smack in the middle of our relationship and that I don’t know him at all. Amongst all of that is a loving, caring, giving husband who has committed himself to me and our family. But I can’t help still feeling hurt. Am I making sense?

    1. Hello Annie,

      You are making alot of sense. Self Trust is a huge part of recovery. We feel like ‘How could I not known”, “Is he still cheating” “Do I trust my own voice”. For me personally, it look alot of self-reflection and alone time to get my foundation of trusting myself back. And yes it was a long process and including me asking some tough questions like “why is my husband the reason that my entire self-trust is shattered, why does he have that much control” or “why do I question myself more when he is the one that was distrustful”. and most importantly “how can I believe in myself again”. In time I got my foundation back, but it didn’t happen overnight but it did happen. You will get your foundation of trust within yourself back, as long as you make it a priority. And in each moment that you put yourself first and value how you feel, slowly but surely you will start to heal. Well, at least that is what worked for me.

  6. Annie, let me assure you….you are making perfect sense!
    I am just over 10 months from finding out about my husband’s affair. After 25 years together; and like Helen…it has shattered my world! He also was the last person I would have expected to do this — with him having shown complete disgust with his own brother have ruined his 2nd marriage due to cheating…just about 6 months or so before my husband started his own affair with a girl half our age (only 2 years older than our oldest daughter)! I truly feel this is/was a one-time thing ~~ can you say ‘mid-life crisis’? But that still does not make it right!! And it does not help me “get over it” any quicker!
    We have spent the past 10 months in counseling, and trying to work on things….but I feel it is me doing most of the work. My husband too, was/IS a good liar! I kept (or even keep!) finding out he’s hanging out/doing things he shouldn’t be doing! I had moved out and into our RV for a couple months…then found a new number in a text message after I said I’d move back because things seemed so much better! Found that text just the day before I was going to move home.
    I’m tired of his fence-sitting; I’m tired of “need” to check up on him constantly (hate that feeling!!!). I’m just tired of the whole mess. I’ve realized there were many problems that were there BEFORE his affair that still keep arising; and I’m just not sure we can ever “be on the same page” again!
    As far as the “big black hole full of secrets” ~~ I went into major spy mode….and discovered a lot more than I really wanted to know in respect to where they’d gone, how much he’d spent on her, etc. etc. I don’t know if I can say at this point that it was a good thing — as now I have all those “dates” and “expenses” in my head and cannot get over the slightest thing he says, does, or tries to “budget” in our life together now!

    1. Hello Sandy-Sue,

      Good to hear from you. I just wanted to say one quick thing, because he is not stepping up as much as you are in helping recover the marriage, you might be overcompensating for his lack of effort which might be draining energy out of you. It appears you are so tired of all the searching, trying, asking and that is ok. It’s ok to let go of the need to control the outcome. I was where you were at a certain point, my body was so tight I just had to make sure he understood this and that he did that, and if he didn’t do something or I caught him in another lie, it was exhausting. Until I let go of the need to control the outcome. Probably too long to explain the entire process, but I literally had to tell myself over and over that it’s not my job to control his actions or the outcome, I control me, and if he chooses to do or not do certain things, I will react accordingly but will try to get him to act. Because at the end of the day, our husbands are going to do what they want, and while we do have some input, they are going to be responsible for the final action. Hopefully I explained that in a way that you can digest, I just saw something in your reply that reminded me of that moment in my journey. Take Care!

  7. Dear Girls,

    I too am in the D phase and Jewels this is great what you are doing here!

    the best thing out of all this is that I have lost about 12 pounds in three weeks! cant eat and when I do, I frequently throw up, am smoking like a Turkish soldier (from 0 to 30/40 a day) and I worry that my heart is going to stop with all the emotionally roller-coaster. Sleepless nights, when one does get to sleep its invaded by dreams and then I find myself sitting bolt upright in a sweat, with my breath blocked and my heart racing in my throat.

    I sound like one of those down trodden weak women huh! well Im a strong (was strong ) internationally known journalist and program maker, considered attractive, believed my marriage was GREAT, (been married 10 years) have a nice home beautiful children (although he has had the most horrendous financial/business problems last 2 years) my world just FLIPPED! I never imagined till now the PAIN this cause. The amount of doubt one has about oneself as a person a wife, a WOMAN! my story is long and complicated but my husband met her while on a contract away from me for 4 months this year. I knew something was wrong when i flew to meet him in September and I organised a beautiful romantic suite blah blah and he was cool before we got back to the hotel then he literally fucked me like a whore! Sorry dont mean to shock any of the girls here, but that is the only apt word.
    I was due to fly to another country for the wedding of my eldest son and then he flew back home and saw each other again a month later at home. two days later I found the lot the texts, mails etc. Sorry to say but, due to what I do I hacked her mail and skype….the lot and wanted to die after what I found. She was even writing to her friends calling him ”my handsome boy” and saying that he was away working and due back tomorrow blah blah, PUKE! she wrote as if SHE was his wife!!!!! they only met in June!!!!!
    anyway yes Im in the throws of torment and hurt,…… madness really.

    I want to fix this but cant unless I’m SURE she is OFF the horizon and don’t know if I believe that! I certainly don’t believe she is going to let go!

    I got the same reaction from him that Jewels got from her husband! scary stuff, no begging, no pleading for forgiveness, just anger that I DARED to invade his ”privacy”.

    Am I the only one feeling the physical symptoms?


    sorry this is a garbled mail but brain not working to well ;-))

    love and hugs to all

    1. Hello Auntieapple,

      Isn’t the pain insane? I can not even describe it to anyone unless they have been in this situation. And just as you stated, you can be at the top of your game from a business standpoint and finding out your husband cheated will bring you down to depths that you never explored before. You are not the only one with physical symptoms, not eating is the most common, I think our bodies are literally in shock and you have no desire to eat.

      Now I know you lost 12 pounds in 3 weeks, but it’s time to start eating, we don’t want you to lose too much weight. Your husband’s reaction doesn’t seem to be helping any. Pushing blame on you instead of talking about the real issue at hand, the cheating. In another month or two, you will have to look at the whole picture and decide what you want to do, and a large part of it will have to do with what your husband is willing to do. If he is not willing to even talk about it, then you have a battle on your hands. If he is willing to talk, unfortunately, it’s still a battle, but you can come out winning in the end, it all depends on what you want to do, you have more control than you think. Take Care and thanks for the kind words about the site!!

  8. I caught by then boyfriend in 2006 and 2008 and again in 2010….3 weeks before our wedding! It was with the same woman. 5 mths after the wedding I confronted him and he says he was with her that day “but nothing happened”. We’ve been married for a little over a year. I want out. I can’t have children with him. But I feel that my family and freinds will be disappointed. Scary to start over. Been together since 2004 and I believe she’s been involved since not long after that. Haven’t told my closest girlfriends about this…. glad I found somewhere online for support.

    1. Hello Kellie,

      Time to go, seriously. If he is cheating on you with the same girl 3 times, not cool. Great that you don’t have kids, it will be easier to leave. Don’t worry about your family and friends, they don’t have to live your life. I know women who canceled weddings 2 weeks before because of cheating, family and friends already made travel arrangements, but people understand. Your family may be disappointed, but trust me, they would be more disappointed if you stay miserable for 10 or 20 years. True family and friends will still be there and even support you in your decision. And you don’t really owe anyone a detailed explanation, just tell them it’s over. Or you can tell them he is seeing someone and you will not be disrespected this early in the marriage. Trust me, you will be surprised at the support, and maybe this will be a test of who your true friends/trusted family are. Take Care and keep me posted.

  9. My mom and dad divorced after 35 years of marriage. The divorce was final 10/12/11. I am almost 30 years old. Some folks ask me if it’s harder on an adult child than it is for a kid – I say YES but really, it depends on the child’s relationship with his/her parents…and mine was awesome. My parents were my best friends, they knew everything about me, they made me who i am today. My parent’s marriage was awesome – I used to always say that they were like teenagers and they made me sick! But really, i was jealous and knew that in my hopes of marriage, that mine would be just like theirs. Then the bombshell came…I found out my father was having an affair. See…my mom “caught” cancer (she always gets mad when I say that). She was diagnosed with stage 3 cervical cancer a few years ago. It took a toll on us and her. My father would sit and hold her hand and tell her he would never leave her and that he loved her and she was all he ever needed. Hmph! She had a radical hysterectomy and immediately jumped into menopause. I hate to say, but it was horrible! To make this long story a little shorter, I’ll just jump to this: after two years of this going back and forth (from “Homewrecking Hailey” to mom and back and forth again) they finally went through with the divorce. At the time all this was going down, I, too, was in a volatile relationship…I was with someone for 7 years and was dealing with things I didn’t deserve and things I shouldn’t have been dealing with at all (mom to his kids, sober helper, house, dog, ugh…). When my parents divorce was coming, and my father left “for good” my boyfriend and I decided to split. I moved home July 10th. Let me jump back a bit – I was very upset with my father. I tried to tell him many times how disappointed I was…to only half succeed; after all, that was my hero, my daddy and he had always been a good daddy…until this. So on my way home, i have a blowout on the interstate and have to call my father, whom I really haven’t had an actual conversation with since he left. I was pitiful, crying, screaming…etc. He had “homewrecking hailey” with her – I screamed that he must take her home – couldn’t deal with her. Anyway, he did and I’ve been home with my mother ever since. I felt as if I couldn’t grieve (even though I wanted it) with my situation b/c I wanted to help my mother grieve (and me too!). A week later, I started dating someone and am SO happy. My mother loves him – he stays with us a lot and I truly think that brings a smile to her beautiful face! I know my father loves my mother – he cries, calls, tells her he loves her, etc (I sure wish he’d stop so she can move on). And there’s the problem – he won’t stop! Finally, mom told him (after learning that her grandkids met her last Sunday) to leave her alone and to give the key back. But she is so pitiful! So pitiful! I don’t know what to do! I want to move back out with my new beau but feel as if if I leave, where will she be? She’s super strong so I don’t worry about the serious stuff…just don’t want her to become obsessed with this and incredibly depressed. She doesn’t like to go out (no bars, etc), she doesn’t like music, she doesn’t like movies, few friends (all hers knew about the affair). That makes her sound boring, but she is super fun! She doesn’t believe in counselors, had to beg her to get some “happy” pills (that she won’t even take) and I’m just stuck! I know that dad will not be coming home (and i think mom is finally getting that) but i also know he won’t leave her alone. What do I do? How can she help herself? How can I do this? I just don’t know if I’m strong enough – I’m hurting too! My hero is gone…gone to the arms of a woman who is not my mother. But if I want him in my life (which I do), I’ll have to “like” her. Ugh. Then that’s betrayal…right? Please help. I’m stuck. My mom is 53 and precious! Fashionista, super cute, super smart! She’s the strongest woman I know! She’s my inspiration! Help!

    1. Hello Sissy,

      I got a good laugh out of ‘Home-wrecking Hailey’ statement :). Now onto the more serious stuff. Your mom is in some pain, and still might be holding on. Your mom has to like something, 50’s are the new 40’s, so it’s time for her to explore herself, and try different things until something hits!! You seem to be really torn between living your life and helping your mom. Just my personal opinion, but one of the best things you can do to help someone ‘live it up’ is to ‘live it up’ yourself. Show your mom that you are making moves, you are happy, and trust me, that is contagious. You feeling down or trying to not be too happy (not sure if you are doing this just getting the feeling) because you know she is going through alot is nice, but if you really want to help, live your life. I know she is your mom, and you can do everything in the world to try to make her feel better, but at the end of the day, she has to want it and see it for herself, and then things will turn around. 35 years of marriage is a long time, takes a while to heal. When you are with her, be happy, get her out of the house and keep asking her questions to explore her interests, hopefully something will pop. Ask her what is something she always wanted to do but never had the time, that might lead down a good path.

      Lastly, super cool that you are such a thoughtful daughter to take the time to write this out of concern for your mom, what a great daughter!!

  10. I found out I was cheated on the end of June. Suspected it it long ago. I am a fool . Never thought it would happen to me. We were soul mates (or so I thought). He discusts me and I so hate him for what he has done to me and our family. He has no remorse. He feels justified in what he has done and is probably still doing. I filed for divorce and terminated the proceedings. I am stupid. I value myself more than that. If a friend asked for advice I would say get the hell away from the loser. But here I am. Our kids are raised and I actually have no reason to stay with the cheat/loser…So why am I still here?

    1. Hello Melanie,

      I am not sure why you are staying in the marriage but just from the short message you wrote, I will assume that it might have something to do with your self-worth, self-value. Sometimes when we are in a situation where we have not been treated so well we get used to not getting treated so well. It’s not that we like it, but it’s comfortable for us because it is what we know. I think once you build your confidence up and value how you feel about yourself, you will have no problem leaving. So spend some time on that topic and I think it would be worth your time.

  11. Hello Girls, well maybe im out of D phase (thank goodness!!!!!) Phew!! that was sooo exhausting and painful!
    Now as Im out the ”pathetic wet rag” stage, I feel more able to cope and am actually feeling good about myself and even my husband!!!!

    We had a very bumpy month, lots of anger and tears and as usual men HATE CONFRONTATION!!!. I cant say if this is going to all be roses and romance BUT, now Im out of the mad stage he is back on track, very unhappy about how he hurt me and the family and he has been more demonstrably caring and gentle than he has been for a long time.
    When I ask him now about why he was so cruel when I discovered, he told me it was more about HIS shame and disgust in himself! and that he thought that by being the angry S.O.B. he could deal with his self loathing!!!. OK he was a tough cookie to crumble, but I found the best way to communicate was by writing him emails about my feelings ect. Sounds daft writing to someone who lives under the same roof, but men take on board things better when they do not have a snarling angry or even desperately unhappy woman in their face. They seem to take the information onboard better when they can read it with no threat in sight………and at their own pace! (men can not multi task remember 😉 )So I wrote him emails and they always seem to have had a much better affect than my ”emotional conversations” . Ok, then there were days when he was back on the defensive, but I finally wrote him a email and told him (without much guilt tripping, name calling or drama) that maybe as he had made it so clear that he was not happy IN the marriage we had better divorce and get it over with. Well he was devastated! he said ”I never said I want a divorce” so I told him well darling you are either IN a marriage or OUT and you cant have your ass in two beds, I am not prepared for a marriage where there are no set rules, respect and COMMITMENT. ”so would you please be so kind to get yourself organised in the next few days to move out”. Well he completely broke down (Ok men are great actors) but I finally saw the REAL man I married and have loved all these years. He sobbed like a baby and He said he wanted to be married to ME and ”hated” himself, and felt such ”shame” and was so mad with himself for being so ”stupid”. I really think most of the anger towards me those first days after the discovery of his betrayal were more about his shame and embarrassment for me reading all the crap he wrote her.
    If we can try to imagine that we were caught stealing from our best friends handbag (especially as it something we would never do or imagine) how would you feel if she produced a CCTV tape of you doing just that???? think of how we would react! angry, defensive, we would feel like SHIT! we wouldn’t be all over them kissing them and asking for forgiveness we would probably get nasty, hard, cold and distance ourselves and try to justify such an appalling sneaky act! I think that’s the only way I managed to see his side of how he reacted as he did.
    He says ”the story blew out of proportion” because I found out! What he is saying is all that he wrote to her was just BS and that I made it into something it wasn’t. OK yes he did have sex with her and he did betray me, but Men HATE being caught out! and react like children when they are BUSTED!!!!

    Since his ’emotional ‘breakdown” and confession of his most deepest ”shame” at what he did, we have found a renewed closeness which I have not felt for at least 3/4 years. OK this does not mean this is all a happy ending as I have to keep him on his toes and watch out forthis predator woman, but I do believe he ended what he now refers to as a ”fantasy”.
    However, I have made it very clear that even though HE has ended ”it” that ”if” she calls or sends a message or text, he has to be strong enough to not be sucked back in. I told him that she will certainly do this and if he even lets her in one bit, all this hard work and pain of the past weeks is wasted and I’m DONE.

    So I know this is early days, but I would say, if you know there is a strong love or bond between and if HE is prepared to feel regret and wants to make the marriage work go for it!
    It sounds silly but this horrible experience has made me look deeply at our marriage, and lets be honest it shouldn’t be fair or justify infidelity, but domestic life, children, housework, debt, family stress DOES tend to bury who we WERE as a couple. On the day my husband truly broke down, he looked at me and said ”lets have a date tonight, lets get candles, music, a bottle of wine, lets lock the door and even dance!!!!! When I analyse this request, maybe he was just looking in the affair for what WE also want and due to daily chores of marriage forget to do!!!! maybe he wanted that with ME and it wasnt happening for whatever reason! so he went and found it in some girl who was prepared to give it to him on tap!

    hehehe when i first found out i wanted to send pictures to her of his pile of filthy clothes he leaves around the house, his dirty smelly sports bag (he is a professional sportsman) and told him ”hmmn wonder how long the romantic dinners, hot baths and great sex would last after she starts to clean up your filthy mess on a daily basis”!
    I resisted sending her anything. OK I made two calls at the beginning!!! she didnt even breath she just quivered on the phone, it was tangible!!! But I was pretty ”scary” as she said in a mail she sent him!!! I told her ”if you ever call this house or come near my huisband or my family i WILL have you dealt with, do you UNDERSTAND” and on the second call in front of him i told her ”well my husband is here and listening to this, have you anything to say (silence) aha you were very brave to open your legs to a married man but dont have the balls to deal with the ”wifi” (this is what the bitch referred to me as in her emails) when she turns up, you are PATHETIC excuse for a woman” I hung up and have not contacted her since. I think if we contact them and ”engage” (luckily this slut never even opened her mouth and I put on my most calm controlled and aloof journalist voice) we give them a sense of power and that’s the LAST thing we need to give them. The very big NO is to call them in a state of emotional distress, as they then think they have control over YOUR marriage and life! DON’T give them this power! AND if you are in control when dealing with them your husband will see WHO is the stronger woman and lets be honest this IS a fight for top woman in this sick drama.

    I also saw all the pathetic texts and emails!!! all the GRAPHIC stuff, BUT DONT let that torture you as a woman! I did torture myself, I looked at myself in the mirror, I signed over my floppy sad bosoms that had breast fed three children fora total of 7 years!!! (oh what we sacrifice for love!!!) and even though I have always made an effort to dress well and put on my lashes and lipstick we need to make an effort for these poor men that at the end of the day are sexual beasts!!!!. Some of you will hate me for saying this but its the cold reality! Men want to have attention and SEX! and there were days when I just couldn’t be bothered, especially if he was cranky in the day, as I thought ”hellloooo you have been an ass all day Im bloody exhausted and then expect me to be all receptive and swinging from the chandeliers in stockings and red lips!!!! forget it” and sadly, when there was the opportunity (him away for four months without me) he went and got what he was missing! a woman with no stress, (no children no dependants) who could give him SEX and ATTENTION. its not more complicated than that! Try to see it as JUST that! otherwise you will go nuts.

    My sex life and romantic life is great at the moment, but only since he has said he wants me, wants the marriage and LOVES ME!
    So don’t be so hard on yourselves about the ”graphics” of what he did with her. Its just part of the way for him to get what he was MISSING.

    I spoke to my brother (and he had an affair years ago) . After I cried and read him all the shit my husband wrote to her my brother said ”but men say all loads of crap to have sex and men say what a woman wants to hear, its all part of the ”game” to get what he wants- attention and sex with no nagging or the boring bits”

    SO IF you really LOVE and WANT your husband, I don’t think there is any shame needed if you decide to fight for your man and your marriage. UNLESS he is abusive and then Id say get out. But If it was just an ”affair” go for it, fight for what YOU WANT and if that means being united with YOUR husband go all out to get it.

    I embrace all you girls and say I KNOW how it HURTS and understand the horrendous roller-coaster of emotions and doubt we have to go through in this most difficult time, but there IS light at the end of the tunnel if YOU WANT it.

    Im not saying I have all or any of the answers, but this is where I am right now and what I think at this time

    hang in there girls!!!!

    again compliments to Jewels for THIS FANTASTIC LIFE SAVING SITE!

    1. Auntieapple,

      Oh no….say it isn’t so!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I literally just read your update.

      That was such a beautiful update and I really do like the song, a while back I was going to keep a rolling record of good songs about affair, love, etc. because I love music and just didn’t follow through, I think I will post this one.

      Please give me an update and tell me what happened.


  12. Hi Gilrs!

    well when I say bak in the D phase, I realise that just one banal comment can make me start to doubt this renewed ”marriage”. He didnt really do anything or say anything significant, but we were playing boules in the garden and there was a track playing (river of tears -Eric Clapton). Now this is a song very cloe to my heart, as it was a song our darling male friend and I used to sing at parties. That friend died suddenly a month before the affair started in June. Anyway, in the song the lyrics go
    , ”its two miles to the river….. and two miles to the dusty street, that I saw you on today, its four miles to my lonely room where ill go hide my face…… times run out and I have to go, got to run away again…. i wish that I could hold you, one more time to ease the pain, you’ll save me from drowning, drowning……in a river of tears”
    So we are playing and my husband NEVER cares about song lyrics and he say’s ”what this song again, turn it up, what’s the name of the guy who sings it, its Clapton isnt it??? blah blah. So Im thinking, this SOB is going to send her this song!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now this sounds silly but apparently only a week before I returned home from Europe, while he was still texting her regularly, he did the same to my daughter, when she was in her room playing a track called ”someone like you” by Adele . He called to my daughter and said ”turn this up I love this, who is it that sings it what’s the title?”. If you know the song Adele sings ” Im sorry I turned up uninvited blah blah…… I hear your married” blah blah.
    So here I am now getting paranoid about his bloody new interest in songs that FIT this whole sordid story!!!! so last night what do I do??? I go and RE- read all the emails between them, and he signed one of them ”yours”!!! and I fell back into that sick pain feeling! So I couldn’t sleep last night and went to bed around 5am. Of course he was sleeping like a baby pig in mud, happy in his dreams ????? (why is it they continue to function SO well???) and when I finally slept I had a horrible dream that we were back in the church when we married and I was panicking
    because my veil was beautiful but it wouldn’t sit right on my head and wouldn’t stay on and I looked like crap and was late!!!!!!

    Maybe its time I go to see a shrink, (I kid yea not!) because I realise now things will never be the same again and I will always have doubts and suspicions and I hate this new paranoid me!!! I know he has really tried these past days, BUT…… is it all just an act???? HOW WILL WE EVER KNOW????

    BTW there is some software that you may add to your hubbies cell phone where you may download ALL his deleted texts to your comp at a distance and even hear his conversations AND it has GPS tracking!!!!! (it costs about 30 pounds sterling-internet download) I couldn’t use it on his phone as he uses this old crap G2 phone (needs G3 min to function) hahah Offered him a ”nice new” G4 phone and he declined GggggrrrHhhh!!! and he knows the work I do so does NOT trust me at all LOL! especially as I ”accessed” her email and skype accounts (yes I know its not ”NICE”……………..well TOUGH!!!under the circumstances-that’s how I retrieved my EVIDENCE). Where I live in South America adultery is still a crime and the evidence is a great tool for me if I decide to divorce! On that note, is that why he wants to save the marriage????? You see ‘Im back in mad suspicious mode!!!

    I’m not going to post the spyware link here as its bad manners to advertise the products of others, but let me know Jewels if you want me to send you the link to the spyware site!!!
    love to all you girls!!!

    1. Auntieapple,

      Thanks for the update, I am glad what set you back was not him cheating again, that is a relief! It seems like you had a trigger event, which is something that reminds you of the affair. I wrote an article about it a while back that you can take a look at.

      Those darn triggers can come out of nowhere and will have you crying in a heartbeat. I don’t think you can avoid triggers, but you can control them by acknowledging them and understanding that it is just temporary.

      So the good news is I still think you are out of the D phase, but i think you entered another phase, which is the investigative stage. It a stage where you are on a mission to make sure he is not cheating. You will go to great lengths, study his computer all night, just to catch that once piece of evidence. You often would not dare tell a soul how much time you spend snooping, but we all know it gets addicting. While I was in this stage, researching his computer and trying to tap into his phone too over my life, I couldn’t do anything else, everything else in the world was small, I had to get back to digging for evidence (maybe I just really needed that software you were referring too lol). Anyways, one day I woke up and realized that I could not keep living this type of life, I was literally living to catch him in a lie, I was obsessed. It drained me and it just was not fun, so after a while I had to let it go. Everyone is different when and why decide to do this, but I feel like most women go through this stage, it’s part of the growth and part of the process.

      As far as getting a shrink, we all need one to sort out all of these emotions! Take Care!

  13. Hello everybody. Have been away for sometime reading and and such. I had learned a lot.

    Here is one thing I have learned that I want to share. I’m pretty romantic so sorry for my use of words.

    The Language Of Love!

    Well how to tell someones heart directly that you love him/her? Is it by saying I love you? Giving gifts? Great sex? Turns out none of them. Sorry for sounding clinical but the surest way to express love to someones heart is by using bonding behaviors.

    What are bonding behaviors? You are probably familiar with it, lovers do it all the time: holding hands, kissing, hugging, eye to eye gazing, skin to skin contact… And no all of these are not about sex. Its the love talk. It says “I love you so I must touch you.”

    What Went Wrong

    But after marriage lovers stop doing it. Why? No its not because they fall out of love, its more of cultural construct. You know that when two are married such behaviors are shameful and such. Especially men, the are trained to hide their emotions and always to appear distant.

    There is also the problem of couples refusing bonding after arguments even small ones (I seen it, my father say failed to make a cup of coffee for mother and mother would avoid father when he tried to bond). Not only does it does not solve the problem, it also separated the two of you.

    Then there is the practice of men to do bonding behaviors when they want to have sex. So when men suddenly keeps touching his wife, the wife thinks “he wants to have sex” and not “he loves me.”

    But such lack of contact and misuse of bonding behavior deprived the heart of much needed love. Our heart crave for it and if its not given it may try to look for it from others.

    What To Do

    Simple keep bonding, everyday… I meant it everyday. It doesn’t have to be ubber long, as long as its intended to show love and comfort … not sex. You could also try gentle sex (showing love being the purpose… not orgasm), massage, back rubbing, spooning and other more intimate acts that should not be seen by other eyes.

    I believe it works, at least as I read about. I read that if bonding behaviors are done constantly you will get closer. There is even this article

    of a couple that had been together for 80 years. One of their secret? “making up after rows with a kiss and cuddle. ”

    I hope that would help you in your future relationship. And for people not planning for a divorce, then, hope it helps bring back the love you have for each other. Since most of readers here are women I think I’ll advice as a friend. If your husband really sorry and really loves you as he say, then maybe by accepting his touch instead of avoiding it is the way.

    Well I’ve learned a lot. From effects of porn, to danger of having an orgasm (yes! orgasm can damage your relationship!). There is just a lot of things you could get by reading now days. Sometimes I feel that I might end up reading about relationships instead of having one, so I made up myself to find a mate when I’m back at school. Lots of choices there.

  14. Auntieapple I know what your going through its the trust thing as soon as a text goes or the phone rings at a late hour your mind goes into overdrive you look at this person that you so loved and now just cant trust, I think a lot of it is in our own brain, as we know it loves to fill our heads with negative thoughts, women just cant seperate love from sex but it is so easy for a man to do this not every man but most. I have given my husband a second chance which has not been easy, but it has come with conditions and rules I gave him the opportunity to leave but he cried and begged for a second chance and the only thing that will ruin it now is the voice in my head. I have decided to cancel out every negative thought that comes in about them together and give him a second chance but there will be no third chance and he knows this. He too told me the guilt is eating him up as to how he could do this and why he did it he still cant find the answer to this and is totally shocked and upset as I had said previously it is so out of character for him. I think we can make it if I can control the negative thoughts that race through my head, each day is getting better and he wants to be here with me which helps a lot

  15. My husband cheated about a month ago and when I kicked him out because he began drinking again (he’s an alcoholic), he went and is staying with an old girlfriend because he has no job and nowhere to go. Of course, he is sleeping with her. The thing is, we had such a great and loving relationship, I thought, and he always told me how much he loved me and how lucky he was to have me. And I reciprocated. When he relapsed, he started talking to a woman on facebook he had a crush on since high school. And they did the deed when I was out of town. He has admitted everything, and i am so devastated. I feel like my world has been ripped apart. I still talk to him, and he is still drinking, but I am so incredibly angry. And he expects me to be nice to him, says he “requires” it, and that I am putting him through hell with my “doses of pain” I dish up to him daily, according to him. I am trying my best not to fly off the handle, but he’ll say something thoughtless and I will just go nuts. I think the best is not to talk to him for now, but I find this difficult too. I feel humiliated and so alone. I have been seeing a counselor and I have sisters who are there for me, but I just don’t know what to do. I can’t imagine getting back together with him even though I believe he was the love of my life. It just hurts so much.

  16. Thank you for your comforting words. Its been 20 mos since I suspected. Its was so painful to see him laugh and stare at his coworker. Then I found out they were having lunch secretly and she was pregnant at the time. One day he came home withmake up on..thereafter he continued to come home that way. He denied everything. I am having trouble focusing on my self. Its hard everyday with a pain inside. I fear when I leave the house that he will sneak even more and take advantage of my time alone.

    1. Sheryl – I know what you are saying about the alone time, I felt the same way, but eventually I said to myself, I am staying home because I do not want him to cheat, spending most of my day trying to figure out if he is telling the truth or lying, and at the end of the day, if he still wants to cheat, he is going to find a way to cheat. So my thought way, I have to build myself up, and if he uses my alone time to cheat, well there I have my answer as to what to do, because I can not live the rest of my life just so I can make sure he does not cheat. And you can not either, it is not work it, you deserve you time, and this is the time where you need it the most.

      Colleen – Not talking to him is ok. I did the same thing, every time I left the conversation, I was either crying, or angry, or just so frustrated out of my mind, that I thought I would go insane. So I slowly stopped engaging because I could not handle the stress. But I ended up leaving, so your situation might be different. It seems like your husband does not get how painful this is, unfortunately most cheaters have no clue.

  17. Well darling girls what a relief to find this site again as i could not find it for a couple of weeks!!!

    My UPDATE!!

    hahaha all that renewed ”marriage bullshit. He had to travel back to UK for a funeral and guess what, Yep caught the fucker again!!!!!!!!! he was supposed to go for just two weeks and didnt come home for 6 and that was only after my doctors found a very large lump in my breast. Thank goodness got the results last week its a begnign fibroma!!! maybe all the weight loss made it so obvious. It is as big as a hens egg!!! hahaha the day I had to go for the results he insisted in coming with me! we got there about three hours late as i had a panic attck and decided i didnt want to go and find out. So later in the day i thought I have a young son to think of so I went. While we were sitting outside the docs room waiting to be called in with all the exam results etc, his phone rings!!!!!!!!!! and yes!!! her!! of course I heard the female (in English-remember we live abroad in a Spanish speaking country) voice and then he did the ”hello, hello. hello” I grabbed the phone and looked at the call it came from the UK! I screamed at him to get the fuck out of the hospital in front of everyone in the waiting room! he disappeared (for about ten minutes) and I just broke down heaving and sobbing in front of a waiting room full of people, I think due to my extreme sobs and agonistic crying not one single person asked if I was OK!
    Even that moment in my life to know if I was seriously ill was not sacred for him or her!! I think she prob knew and was thinking he would have the results in the morning and was calling to see if ”wifi” has not got the big C so I can be dumped without guilt!

    been back on double whammy D phase until two days ago where I found this great link

    hope you don’t mind I post this Jewels, (no sales involved here) great web seminar by a trained psychologist. I cried alot when I listened to this but she soooo helped me ground myself these past two days.

    Strange thing is this, since I have been more grounded spiritually these past two days, he has come looking for me and actually expressed real affection towards me (we know when its fake by now huh!) no big statements except I told him gently and calmly over a glass of wine its time for me to ”set him free”. hope you girls are doing OK! I have lost 14 kilos in the past 6 weeks!!! I love being ”thin” but my ass is hanging like and empty potato sack (any tips to fatten/tone saggy arse would be good) I have finally got to the point I can eat a bit now. Especially as I ended up being taken away by ambulance a week ago. It was only when i got to the ER and they asked what I had eaten in the last day I realised that in four days I had only had cups of tea and half a plate of spaghetti!!!! oh and about a thousand fags!!!!!!!!!! love and hope to all you girls out there. The one thing that is really comforting top me here is we can identify with what this PAIN really is! xx

    thank you again Jewels, for your generosity in giving us this sanctuary of sanity and comfort from all the pain and madness!

  18. Thank you very much Jewels…I have been pondering my reasons for not being able to get out and search my soul…even if its at walmart. 15 yrs being with the same man, and I was a virgin when we first got together. I was 20 and he was 22. Now I ‘m 35 and he’s 37. Our son is 10 in fifth grade. He has been abusive since the beginning…not physically. He would control me to the extreme, I couldn’t have friends. I couldn’t hardly spend time with my family. I would do everything wrong. He said I never made sense in anything I said or did. He would make fun of me through insulting jabs. Embarrass me in public. I had to do everything perfect and be the perfect wife and so my son now has to be the perfect son. I could not have an opinion. I always found myself nervous, exhausted, afraid, walking on egg shells, trying to keep him from explosion out at me. Then I left, I came back after 5 tries cause I wanted to be strong and be a family. This fifth try, he began to cheat on me with another woman–coworker. Who was petite, skinny, busty, very happy-acting and full of smiles at everyone. I forgot to mention 10 yrs younger than me. So when I came back September of 2010, he became physically abusive. So, I thought I deserved it and took what he dished out. Now its march 2012 and the last time he punched me was in may of 2011. So, I was being physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally and verbally abused and cheated on. Now…he completely turned around and I am having a hard time accepting that he has become loving and nurturing. I believe he is only doing this because he is guilty. Still he wont explain the make up, the sightings of them together, perfume I smelled in our truck, perfume I found, and odd notes not signed but in her writing–as I have learned to be hers from his office. And not to mention the make up on him and how he starred at her in front of me as though she was a goddess. I found a cup with lip gloss on the cup, and now he is finally begging me to work events and mtgs. I may have added some to the fire but that only because he would be truthful from the beginning. I never confronted her but I have told her husband that I think there are things happening between them. So, then the next day he came home and ragged on me because I confronted the husband. After that I was so sore from having my face slammed into our dashboard of our truck…then door window…and so forth. I never called the authorities because I was afraid. He has done so much damaged my mind and spirit that I didnt have the power to do so. So now…I am wondering if he will change…will I change myself for the better. Now I can speak up and stand for what I believe in. Its very hard on my son. I still struggle with confidence, its a battle to feel good and want to leave and live a better life….but will he tell the truth and honor me that much since I have taken so much abuse for the past 15 yrs….I think its the truth I am waiting for. Yet, he’s a coward that can’t speak it. Now what? Thank you so much for your quick reply!!! It has helped me a lot to make me bring this out. I hate when he smiles at me cause he has never before. Its pathetic. Again….Jewels thank you for caring and being a good listener to what I have shared.

  19. Dear Sheryl,

    Im so sorry for you, you have and been through the most horrendous experience. Im going to say something now from my head and heart!!! its one thing is fighting for our men that are cheating, as we like to hope that this is a moment of being ”lost” or mid-life crisis blah blah blah” but when a man has actually ”punched” a woman you NEED to get OUT!!!! A man that has descended into physical violence is NOT worth it!!! NO WAY EVER!!! HE WILL NOT CHANGE ! HE HAS GONE OVERBOARD! you say maybe YOU will ”change for the better” are you kidding me!!! this is not you that has the problem it is HIM! This is typical victim of abuse thinking! file charges against the SOB!!! but first go and get some advice about how you can protect yourself BEFORE you make any moves and DONT let him know you are getting advice!! maybe they can do an exclusion order or something so the moment he knows he’s OUT and cant go near you or the home! When men are violent they react especially badly to you taking control. This MF needs to be responsible for what he has done to you! No Sheryl, he will never” honour” you or any woman!!! he has NO HONOUR! a man that beats women is a weak pathetic monster. You deserve so much more! and he may come back and beg if you take legal recourse but DON’T fall for it!! you owe this not only to your son but to YOU! Do you want your son to grow up and think its OK to beat women??? of course not! and I know this must be sooooo painful, and I’m so sad for you to be in this double shit situation, but I think there is nothing to save about your husband and you need to get him OUT NOW! You are in danger here! let us know what’s going on. I send you a big hug and remember we are here for YOU and each other.
    much love to all.

  20. Thank you so much. Im having trouble dealing with everything. Especially since he doesn’t tell me the truth. Then he says sparkles on his clothes or his means nothing and that its not proof of any kind that he’s with another woman. He can’t be caught..he’s too sneaky. I thought about installing spywear on his blackberry but I am afraid of legal consequences. I don’t know how to do it anyway. Many of his family are upset wit him treating me this way. They want him caught as well because he is causing me and my son so much pain. They told me to get a hidden camera, recorder and to follow him but we only have one car. Its difficult. I wont talk to him because I am upset with everything. He sleeps on the couch. I am seeing a councellor but I don’t think its enough to build myself confidence up to leave. I have no job, he controls where I apply to, its all his money, and I lost many of friends because of him. So…for now im having trouble focusing on what I need to do to help myself and my son. Thank you for all your time.

  21. Well here I am absolutely devastated. I check his phone this past three days and he has been in touch with her everyday. Today I cracked after seeing more evidence and told him, get your bags and leave now!
    he said NOTHING, NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and then he left. He came back this afternoon. I had already put all his stuff in one mountain in our room and he made a bag and left. He didnt even kiss his 6 year old son who was saying ‘daddy where are you going”. I dont know how I will survive tonight!! my head is about to crack, then I think should I have just kept my mouth shut then I think, no because he was just biding his time to get back to Europe in april and he would have just done it then anyway. I know now i have to try my best to cut him out my heart and i cant see that happening! I feel suicidal tonight as I cant deal with this pain any more and tonight its the worst pain ever seeing him go! with not as much as look back! that whore must be singing with joy tonight! Its good she is across the Atlantic because tonight I WOPLD end up in jail for murder!

    1. Auntieapple,

      Finding out he is still up to games is so painful. I remember the day I found out he was still in contact with her, and it was probably one of the most devastating days, it hurts worse the second time. He knew how painful it was the first time, yet he continued, without regard for my feelings, which is where you are now. I will tell you, that was over 2 years ago from the moment I found out that he was still seeing her and life is much different, better than I ever expected. At the time, I literally thought I would never smile again, but I have. I have moved on and learned so much about my myself, and because of that, I am happier, despite all of the pain and hurt I went though. I know you are so beyond devastated right now, but if you just trust me on this one, life will get better for you and your son. Big hugs to you…….

  22. Auntiapple,
    He likely didn’t say anything because what can he say? He knows he is in the wrong and is a cheater and a liar. So what they do is say nothing. What does someone say who cannot look at themselves in the mirror? He probably didn’t kiss his son because it would have been too painful. Just like my husband, he is a coward. You deserve better. Please do not hurt yourself in any way as you didn’t do anything wrong. He does not deserve the power to take your life. I know how you feel, believe me I do. I know that does not help. In time, it will get better, I know that is a lame thing to say as well, but it is true. I have been without him for about six weeks now. I miss the asshole even after everything, but enough to take him back? NO. I know myself and I don’t think I could ever trust him, plus he needs to go into treatment and get his mind straight and I doubt he will do that. I have to try to distance myself and so do you. Anyway, back to you. Take care of yourself! You have your son to think of, you have him by your side. That whore across the Atlantic is going to get nothing but pain from him in the long run. She can have him! It’s ok to be angry and sad and you have had enough of his bullshit. Enough! The pain of continuing would be worse and you deserve better. You deserve a life without wondering where he is and what he is doing and whether or not he is telling the truth “this time.” The way you write on here reminds me of myself, angry and cussing and mad at the world…it helps to be angry because it makes it easier to let go. Not that anything is easy about any of this. I am sorry there is a child involved because he is hurt as well. You shouldn’t have to be wracking your brain about spyware for his phone and songs he is sending to the other woman and what he is thinking – he obviously can’t be trusted. The end. Hang in there please, I know you can get through this. You sound like a strong and intelligent woman to me.

  23. Thank you girls (Jewels and Colleen) for the really important notes, You both are so right and reading your words made me cry ………..a lot! I just cant believe that only till sept last year i believed had the perfect loving connected marriage and love of my life!!!! I’m still in total SHOCK! The humiliation of him making ”love” to me only THREE days ago telling me how much he loved me blah blah blah!!!!!!!!!!! and he was obviously telling her the same!!!!!!!!!!!! I just find it SICK! why didn’t he just let me go and tell me what he wanted???? WHY?
    love x

  24. Auntiapple, I know it is so hard. I thought the same thing, and it doesn’t mean that you two didn’t have a wonderful relationship in the past, I’m sure you did! I know mine wasn’t all a lie, and yours wasn’t either for all that time. But something somehow changed. My husband, who is living with another woman, tells me he loves me all the time. But he loves her too, and says he loves all his ex girlfriends blah blah blah blah. Goodie for him. That’s not enough for me. When I found out he cheated on me I couldn’t have been more shocked, devastated, crushed, hurt…mine didn’t fight to get me back, but I think he thought I would take him back. I don’t know what’s worse, having him not fight for you or saying he is fighting for you and then lying. I’m sure he DOES love you on some level but his ape-like behavior and instincts have just F****D everything up. IDIOT. It is sick. I”m so sorry for your pain. I want to know WHY as well, but I don’t know if either of us will get our answer, and if we do, it wouldn’t be good enough anyway. And he probably isn’t sure what he wants, and is trying to have both, because he is an ape. Hold on tight, we are here for you.

    1. Sheryl,

      I just read the rest of your update and my heart goes out to you, truly. Men that are abusive (emotionally or physically) like to isolate you, it is very common and when I was in an abusive relationship, my boyfriend did the same thing, I had no friends, was far away from family, and mentally beat down. I can not tell you what to do, I can only share my opinion, and that is in your particular situation, do not argue with him, do not bring up what is already obvious, he wants control, he likes control by any means necessary. I would stop interacting because you know something negative is going to come out of it. Just keep the interactions to a minimum. You first need to decide if you want to actually leave. If you decide to leave, just take some time inside of your head to think about that, where would you go, do you have family you could stay with, would you have a place to go. If you don’t now, start exploring that, in your head. If I were you, that is what I would do, just start exploring the options in your head.

      Last but not least, if you ever decide to leave, do not ever tell him alone, promise me that. The most dangerous time for a woman that is with an abusive man is the point where they express they want to leave. So do not ever ever say that to him alone, I do not care how good of a mood he is in. And if you ever get to the point of moving out, make sure you have people around other than you. Prepare to leave and make sure you have people around from the point when you tell him to when you pack your things, please.

      Also, would not worrying about proving what he is doing, you know the truth already. And because your confidence is low, you are needing absolute proof, but you already have proof.

      Auntieapple – How are you? I said the same thing, why did he put on this show like he wanted me back and then kept cheating, would of been much better if he would of just told me it’s over. In my case, I think my husband liked the image of ‘husband’ and what that did from a society, community, ‘taking care of home’ standpoint. When people divorce, they look at the husband like what did you do? And my husband didn’t want that, but oh well, he is going to get it.

  25. It’s only been six weeks and it’s like he’s moved on. Living with another woman because he had nowhere to go after he cheated with the FIRST woman. I keep asking him why he had to sleep with her when I’m sure he could have just stayed with her as he’s known her for years. There is no chance I can ever take him back. Why does he keep telling me he loves me then then screws her? Why does he call me honey on the phone and why does he say he needs me in his life? So he won’t feel guilty? How can someone do that to someone who a few short weeks ago he told was the love of his life and we used to always say how lucky we were to each other. Was it all a lie? He said it wasn’t. But the drinking is what started it all and he is a different person, a complete A-HOLE, when he is drinking, as he’s an alcoholic. Since he left he said he hasn’t stopped drinking because we broke up, yet he gets with this other slut. He actually said he needed someone to take care of him. I mean, he doesn’t work, he told me he’s only functional like a few hours a day because he’s drinking all this wine, I’m sure the cheap stuff. I thought I was doing better but what did I expect so little time has passed. I’ve just been crying at work all the time and am thankful I wear glasses when I work on the computer and try to hide it. I shouldn’t talk to him on chat but I stupidly look for him to come on, because we used to talk to each other that way every day when we were together. I miss the old person he was so much. I feel like someone has died and I am so devastated. I love him and I hate his guts. Then he’ll talk about how if we don’t treat each other nice that they’ll be no chance of us ever being together! What the hell?? He knows I have divorce papers ready as he said he can’t come back because he knows I can’t forgive him. I probably could have if he wouldn’t ran into the arms of this old friend. Another thing I don’t understand is WHAT KIND OF WOMAN SLEEPS WITH ANOTHER WOMAN’S HUSBAND? These women make me they have no morals, just like these men? How would they feel if came along and stole their husband away? Of course the man is equally to blame but all it takes if for one person to say no. I am so tired of sitting here and sobbing and he doesn’t give a crap..I have to be civil so I can get him over here to sign the papers and then show up in court in 90 days..he lives a few hours away now and is drunk nonstop so it’s like pulling teeth to get him to drive up here. I just want this pain to be over but I fear it never will.

  26. Hey Colleen….just have him served, it will make it easier. He is self-centered. I feel your pain, it is a greiving process…it’s the “death” of a marriage and it hurts. Don’t stop crying…scream if you have to…let all your emotions out, it helped me one day at a time to not hold anything in anymore. My poor dog could write a book about all the stuff I have to say, she is my “ear”. Friends and family want to give advice and will evenutally get tired of listening to you, so I tell my dog 🙂
    Good luck and I hope things start to get better, it takes time but…..better days are a coming!

  27. Jewels & Aunttieapple thankbyou so much. I am working hard at building myself up. I am seeing a therapist and now they referee me to psychiatric to help sort out my issues. My mind is in a tug of war. I do believe this is wrong on his part. I have no family around me. However I have been searching for help through the shelter and the womans advocates. They are very kind. Last night I was lying in bed trying to keep words at a minimum but it upset him. He accused me of cheating took my phone and search
    Searched it. He found nothing. He then began to plead for forgiveness of his rude acts. I felt nothing. He pressured me into trying harder at our relationship because he said for some reason I have extremely low self esteem and I should not be jealous of him in anyway. I feel like he wanted to break me down but I didn’t cry or get angry. I just smiled. And said okay. I’m flustered…thank you…

    1. Sheryl – You’re welcome. Keep working on yourself, make a commitment everyday and tell yourself “I deserve to be happy and treated with respect.” Saying that everyday will help you.

      Colleen – I agree with Em, you are grieving. But I will tell you, the more you look at him, the more angrier you will get, the more upset you will be. I had to eventually stop looking at him and what he was doing, it was causing me to be angry all the time. The best revenge is to recover from this. Get yourself together and be happier than ever. I know it’s so much easier said than done, and it starts by telling yourself everyday “I deserve to focus on things that make me happy.” You will get there!!!

  28. Still Grieving

    It has been 1 1/2 years since i found out and almost 6 years since he cheated…. I can’t get trigger words out of my head… I can’t help to think that I don’t know the whole story… especially since I found out about it so long after it happened.. I don’t trust him… I love him so much… but I feel used… I just want to find out how it ended… how did it end… I think if i find this out i can survive…

    I read this quote on here and i love it… I need to remember it!

    “my husband’s affair was not in any way a reflection on me or what I was or was not doing. It was a reflection of him and his values.”

  29. “my husband’s affair was not in any way a reflection on me or what I was or was not doing. It was a reflection of him and his values.”

    Great quote!!! yes it really is true but don’t you find that a few hours after reading that we still doubt ourselves.

    I feel like im in double D phase girls, hes still out the house he comes to visit to bring things, money shopping blah, pick up the little one! Then three days ago he tries to get me into bed!!!!!! so I gently without doing any of the ”dont touch me stuff” pulled away and said , darling this is not a good idea, after all you ned to ask yourself why you want to get me into bed. Well he tried and tried, in about 5 different locations of the house and in the end it was almost funny as he was sooooo trying to seduce me eith the eyes and other ”bits”. Then he got dressed, (yes he was half naked trying to impress me) says ”well it was a good try huh” thn he left!!!!!! That night I discovered that slut has been doing ”secretarial” stuff for him in the UK!!!!!!!!! why do I say secretarial, because when I asked why the hell is she still in touhc with you he said. ”look its over she does things for me, a bit like a private secretary” one has to laugh otherwise we would go insane!!!!! I have to be honest though girls I have had some very ”dark” moments, I have even begun to hate who I have become, this pathetic woman crying after this loser!!! My Doc has put me on some anti-anxiety pills etc. Seems to help a bit. Then tonight I get this phone call from him ”have you seen the news?” No I replied” Oh there was this woman and she killed her 6 year old then herself, I just want to check how you are feeling, how are you feeling? and we need to get your gun out the house, I had a panic attack after watching, I mean ,…..Im just checking because if anything happens I’m responsible” .!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is it me girls?????????

    love to all xxx

    ps Sheryl what’s the update

  30. Auntiapple…. Thanks so much for the laugh. That was great. I have to say someone else had that quote but it really touched me.

    Colleen. Be strong. You are right not all of our relationship was a lie. I am just still trying to figure out what was true and false.

    So thankful to have found you all

  31. ” “I deserve to focus on things that make me happy.”
    “I deserve to focus on things that make me happy.”
    “I deserve to focus on things that make me happy.”
    “I deserve to focus on things that make me happy.”

    thanks Jewels darling, this is going to be my daily mantra……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………and my nightly mantra is going to be

    I hate that f——- bastard
    I hate that f——- bastard
    I hate that f——- bastard Om Om Om (don’t forget incense……….to relax ….and……………………….. BLACK candles and sharp dagger for visualisation

    Can we set up a name and shame site hehehehehehehehehehehe??????? I personally would find it rather cathartic! Ok! OK ! girls, I know, a lady should keep ones dignity!!!!!! but hey, we keep our dignity and they walk off hand in hand into the sunset without ever being exposed……………..screw the dignity! HE stole mine like a thief in the night!

    oh if only us girls would be closer geographically what great coffee mornings we would have……………………………….but then again, thanks be to Jewels that we have each other here thanks to her generosity!
    much love and hope to all xx

    P.S/ sorry girls, my apologies, Im a little off topic………………maybe the pills Doc gave me are slightly working!!! hehehe

  32. Auntieapple,
    Oh how I wish you were nearby too! Dignity is hard to keep, I don’t want to keep crying and giving him that power while he’s off doing another woman but it is really difficult. I should completely cut him out of my life but it’s only been 2 mos. and though I filed for divorce, it’s difficult. Thanks everyone for your comments, I do need to focus and stuff that makes me happy, but so far, I can’t find that lately!! Auntieapple, you make me smile! Our husbands don’t want to feel any guilty so they want to make sure we’re ok and haven’t killed anyone or ourselves!! HA! What a joke, what concern. Wouldn’t want to have the blame for that! My goal today is no contact, no contact, no contact, he doesn’t deserve me in his life NO CONTACT!!

  33. Colleen sweetheart and girls!!! WE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO CRY!!!!!!!!!!
    This SO hurts! As I said a long time ago this pain is even worse than when i lost my mother suddenly and I worshipped my mother! the thing is when someone dies it wasn’t their CHOICE! our husbands made a choice! even if they didnt MAKE a choice they still DID IT!

    I got my husband to fill in a questionare the other day, hehehe it turns out he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder!!!!!!! I kid yea not! I don;t know how old your husband is, but mine just turned 50 and is CERTAINLY showing ALL the CLINICAL signs of him having a full blown mid-life crisis!!!

    these sites really helped me understand a lot his madness and ”hatred” towards me! this is NOT about us! its about THEM!
    The first site is BRILLIANT, for those that have husbands that get up one day and just don’t WANT the responsibility of family/wife/economic pressure any more!

    I know this does NOT excuse them, BUT there may be certain things on these sits that may help some of us girls analyse what the hell has got into them. and you will see, Mid-life crisis is not just about feeling old and wanting to buy a sports car or wear a thong on the beach!!!!

    much love

    Jewels is it OK that I have been posting links here let me know if it is in any way a problem!


    1. Still Grieving – Thanks for reposting the quote. Sometimes, we are so hard on ourselves, to the point where we take on responsibility for things that we should not. We tell ourselves if only I was smarter and/or prettier, he would not have cheated – nothing could be further than the truth. When a man cheats, it is an act that reflects his personality, character, and integrity. Now, personally, I am at the point where I can see how I could have been a better wife, but that has nothing to do with cheating. If he was unhappy with my role as a wife, he could of done many other things rather than cheat, but HE chose to cheat. And he is over the age of 18, which means he is accountable and responsible for HIS actions, we all are.

      But our husbands are sometimes adamant (at least mine was) that I did x, y, z and that is why he cheated. But I tell him, you could of done j,k, and l – but instead you choose to cheat. You also mentioned you wanted to know the answers, but I wouldn’t hang on to that too much because none of us knows the entire story.

      Auntie Apple – I laughed several times as I was reading your updates. lol!!! And trust me I am in a good place now, but the first year, I could not get those thoughts out of my head. I felt like I was going crazy. But I fought like crazy to keep the positive thoughts top of mind. It took constant affirming on my part, and what happens is, after enough times, you actually start to believe what you say over and over again. I said to myself that I deserve to focus on things that make me happy enough times, that when my husband irritated the crap out of me, I started to say to myself – he doesn’t deserve my anger. Where as before I would be angry for days. So it’s baby steps, it’s not a ‘quick’ journey to recovery, but if you keep taking baby steps, everything will fall into place. And yes the links are ok.

      Colleen – Hang in there and keep fighting for YOU!

      Hugs to all of you!!

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