Recovery from Infidelity Has Me Drained

Recovery from infidelity is exhausting. Today was just a really draining day dealing with my cheating husband. I allowed myself to be upset by his words. I hate when I let him get to me. It doesn’t make sense and I do it over and over again. My cheating husband wants to do things his way and just doesn’t take time to listen to what I am trying to say. This happened even before the affair, before the lying and sneaking around.

I really feel like my failure was my inability to be confident enough to know what I want and know what I don’t want. I told myself that the good outweighed the bad in our marriage, even though secretly I knew something wasn’t right. But over time, the things that I willfully ignored became bigger and bigger. The one little lie turned into more lies. The one thing he neglected to tell me turned into many things.

And now, I am drained. I am emotionally drained. My energy was so high this week, and because of just three conversations with my cheating husband, I now have no energy. The conversations to try to repair our marriage and recover from the affair are going nowhere, and they’re leaving me angry and depressed. I am so mad that he has this effect on me, and I am determined to get to the point where he does not do this to me.

I have to remember that I have an energy and spirit that is so much more positive than this, and that I allowed him to dampen that energy and spirit. I say that I allowed this to happen because ultimately I choose how I feel, and even though he made me feel like this today, trust me, I WILL RECOVER. I strive to be strong like Jenny—cheating spouse recovery woman.

14 thoughts on “Recovery from Infidelity Has Me Drained”

  1. I am in counseling with my husband who cheated on me and I’m so exhausted, angry, sad, mad, drained…I don’t know what to do. I can’t get the images of him cheating of me out of my mind!!!

  2. Kristy, It will take time, and the images will dissipate but not go away completely. Because something will happen and you will remember it all over again. What is so hard for us is we believed the happliy ever after stories. There are really no such things when you look at it.
    You will get through this we all did one way or another. You don’t have to make a decision to stay or go until you are ready. Try to redirect the pain and anger away from you. It’s not easy but everyday take a little part of it and put it away. Start writing a journal, boy that really helped me vent my feelings. Some days I even thought of suicide because I just wanted the pain and anger and exhaustion to go away. But my kids needed me and I couldn’t do that to them or my parents. All this takes TIME to get through. Vent through us if you need too.

  3. Kristy from TN, It’s been about a month for me. I’m exhausted, nauseated and have images coming and going too. I’ve read, on the web, some things about tools for coping with anxiety and unwanted images and it helps sometimes. I’m relying heavily on my family doctor. Don’t know if that is an option for you. I’m in Canada and have free health care. My husband works for a company that has an employee assistance program that I can access if I want. They keep everything anonymous. It’s an American company, by the way. I’m trying to use every resource I can find, including this site.

  4. Ladies I have had these same feelings. You are all right, the images fade with time, and you do get over that draining feeling as life starts to feel normal again. So much of our energy is spent on the affair – trying to process the hurt and betrayl, making decisions on what to do, trying to keep ourselves sane enough to function through just another day. My advice and what has worked for me is– Get out and do something that has nothing to do with the affair. Something you have always wanted to do but didn’t have time for- make the time now. You need an energy boost- you need a new focus- you need to put some positive energy out into the universe and stop focusing on the negative energy that surrounds an affiar. For me it was yoga– Yoga is working for me- it has had a two-fold effect. 1. I was doing something for myself, and in the early stages of recovery that is what I have needed. It is something we don’t even acknowledge the need for – we are too busy dealing with the pain to understand how important it is to put ourselves first for once. 2. yoga has allowed me to focus on healing my body, mind, and soul for me — not for him or us– but for me! I feel energized, peaceful, and have met some really great people. It also gives me time away from kids, phones, work, and especially the affiar…. I recommend yoga to everyone- but if that is not your thing- try a painting class, a book club at a local library, anything to feed your soul and regain some of that energy for YOU–

  5. I just wonder how do you let a husband who has traveled and continues to do so for work. How do give him trust? He cheated on me for years and I am having quite the time of letting go. I worry!! I am afraid to be one searching his phone or emails but how do know he can be trusted? He tells me he is sorry, he can not maintain 2 lives, he say’s he loves me. How do I believe that is the truth? I am so scared!!

  6. Hello Carrie,
    As a husband, he should be super super sensitive to the way you feel when he travels. He should make sure he answers your calls, txt messages, etc., it is extremely important. You ask how can he be trusted? He can’t because trust is something that is build through acts (like answering his phone when he is away) and listening to your needs. Also listen to your intuition, if it is telling you something is not right, probably true. He is not going to be able to calm you down with his words, it is only through his actions at this time that he can give you any type of comfort while away.

  7. Hi Carrie,
    I am in the same position as you are. My husband was traveling when he cheated on me, told me about it, now says he is sorry and promises he will not do it again. But how do you you trust….I am not really sure. I have checked phone records — I don’t have access to his emails. It is really difficult. We are in marriage counseling and we are working on communication and trust. I continue to check phone records and he is aware of this. It does give me some sense of security when I think I know he is not calling or texting other women. It has made me very insecure in our marriage. He needs to continue to re assure me that this won’t happen again.

  8. Hi Kristy!
    It is nice to hear from someone who knows how I feel…unfortunetly because you are feeling the same pain. All the truth came out in small doses beginning in late Sept. w/full truth by late Oct. and life rolling over and over. I knew I loved my husband and our 30yr marriage had been taken for granted. But instead of trying to fix it w/me he made himself happy. Until his life on the road and home began to collide. I spent the holiday season trying to mend what I could, protect what was mine and begin to try and heal our marriage. I now believe I began working on all that and the holidays, I never grieved. This week he traveled (first time since all was revealed) and I feel like I just heard again! I do not want to live my life checking phones and emails (like he can’t get a seperate one I don’t know of??!) so I can only believe him. I do…I think?! He assures me it is over and he too can not live a double life anymore. But will WE ever know?? I never thought this would happen in the first place! Wow, this is such a deep pain,fear,heartbreak BLA…how do WE handle this??! I am here for you as I know you are there. But I too do not know what to do. Counseling…but it can not convince you to trust when you did, and now that is broken and you can not fix it!! Hang on, as right now thats all we can do!!

  9. I have read some of your comments because my husband has cheated on me several times and I am now in the process of recovery but still doubt about the future ( I guess what you are thinking if he has cheating several times, indeed the future doesn’t look great!). After I discovered the first time (with a work colleague and several prostitutes) , I truly believed we will become a stronger couple after this sad discovery. We felt like new lovers and although it took three years to recover, I was confident it was just one of this sad event in one’s life – I was very naive and always optimistic. We went through councelling and my husband was VERY sorry and supportive. He was ready to do anything to please me… except one thing: he didn’t want me to challenge his reality and his thinking. He made a lot of changes at work, spent much more time at home with the children ( 3 teenagers), as he travelled half of his time. He was able to tranform his life to make sure he was back in the family but the emotional way to deal with life stayed the same. Communication has always been very hard because my husband re-interpret most events which could imply personal emotion. For example, his parents have been extremely rude and nasty to us for the last 15 years, but still he could not face up the reality and then started to criticised me instead, lying to me about facts , transforming their words or make up stories just to persuade himself and me that I was the nasty one, the mad person to think this way. At work, his way to deal with problem is similar, he does nothing or ignore people’s comments. Therefore, after 3 years of stable recovery, under the pressure of his parents ( who are extremely jealous of our “happiness” but didn’t know their Golden boy was a cheater!), plus the pressure at work ( which started to turn sour), he had another affair… difficult to resit your personal asssistant who is 20 years younger and tell you that you are so wonderfull and intelligent!! The fact that deep inside him, he is extremely unconfident and his main problem is his weak personality: he cannot communicate well, he is easily manipulated by his family or colleagues and still cannot communicate about any emotional topics with me. The result: it has been more than a year now since I heard about the second affair. This time I am in a completely different mood, no more crying every day in the bathroom, I want to recover FOR MYSELF, and although I would much prefer to save my marriage, it is time that I put myself first and refuse to be manipulated by him.
    Today I am facing a conundrum: the hard reality that my husband will certainly never be able to face reality ( anyway what is reality? we all have a different realities) , but at the same time I feel very lonely because I would never be sure that he will be “by my side”. He still reinvent stories and this make me very sad to have a life partner I cannot rely on. Ill ness, death, deception with the childre… so many events may happen and you want to spouse to be next to you as life doen’t always bring good news, but deep inside me , I know I am on my own, because he cannot face reality.
    I have no plan to leave my mariage for now, my 3 children will not be able to recover easily, especially now they are teenagers finishing high and middle school. Furthermore we have been living overseas for 20 years, so we, as a family, are the “stable” structure they can rely on. But it is not easy and I am waiting for the day where I will be able to get up, feel full of energy and forget about the stupidity of men…I think I lost most of my naivity but still optimistic!

  10. as before i was married he was cheating on me. 23 years married every year the same story if not with women on facebook then his friends, friends it don’t stop i am always the wrong one. i do not work, help him with his bussines . do not work with the money. we have 3 children 23 yaers , 20 years, 19 years. as i felt helpless and have nothing to show for, only hardbroken cry every day.

    1. Virginie – welcome. It’s interesting how your reaction is totally different this time, I see much more strength. I am glad that you are refusing to be manipulated. I also sense that you are putting together how he could of gone down this path again, and yes while I do think that self-esteem plays a big role in cheating, I want to make sure that you are not justifying his cheating. I would go around saying all the time that I understand and know why he cheated, almost as in a way excusing it saying oh i know how this happened, until someone was kind enough to point out to me and say ‘why are you justifying his behavior, he is a grown man and is responsible for his actions, no matter what state he or the marriage is in. And my friend was right. Yes, I understand the 20 year old assistant was cute, but there are men that control themselves around good looking women. It seems like he has a bit of narcissistic personality inside him, which is very difficult to deal with. I know you have decided to stay, but I always say if you stay, stay from a place on strength, not our of necessity, and it seems like you are doing that. I wish you well!!

      Miena Welcome to you as well. It seems like your husband is a serial cheater and has no regard to how you feel about the situation. It also seems like you are stuck, and do not feel you can leave. If I were in your shoes, I would stop focusing on the cheating, and just work on you. What does Miena like to do, and go do it. What makes Miena smile, and go do it. The fact is, we can’t change people, but we can change how we react to our husbands and what we choose to focus on. Focus on you Miena. Take Care!

  11. Thank you Jewels for your kind words.
    Indeed you are right to say that indirectly we tried to find an excuse to our husband’s infidelity, may be to prove to ourselves that he is not that a bad person and we didn’t make the wrong choice! I really think that my husband is a weak person with very little will power and much prefer to find easy reconfort without realising the concequences. I reckons he ‘s also realised this weakness and since he has dealt with the different negative influences in his life: first his family, whith whom he refuses now to accept their comments and demands. He is also starting to change his behaviour with his colleagues/staff, by trying to be more firm about his decision. Towards me, he feels lost and although he is very respectful, communicating is a real issue. His main problem today: the realisation of his weakness resulted in a huge lack of confidence about himself, his judgement and his capacity to face conflict. He is very much in the same situation as me but for a different reason!
    I may be naive, stupid or simply fatalist but I don’t want to spend my time re-evaluating the situation every week, looking for problems in our couple. Past is past and I cannot change it, so either I live with it and look up to a better future to gether or get depressed and leave. I choose the first option for different reasons concidering the reality of my situation: I cannot provide for my kids financially, which means that if I want a divorce, I will need to move the family back to Europe which will be highly disruptive for the kids. If I want to build up my strengh again I need to feel secure and work on my own future, work and achievements. This will be much harder if I need to go back to work to pay a rent or the education fee for 3 kids. It seems extremely cold and calculating, but this is a reality. I have spend 20 years of my life helping my husband to be successful. Meanwhile I have never worked with my first degree (doctorate in pharmacy) , but finished two others degrees in Fine arts at University when my kids were young. It is high time that I use my qualifications to start focus on my achievements so I will feel much more independent. The last reason which is certainly the most important one, I still believe that my husband is not a bad person, and I still appreciate him for his other qualities. The future might be disappointing but I am ready to take the chance. If things turn out to be too difficult, then I will make a move but for the moment I want to focus on me, and I am not interested to be with anybody else.

    For Miena,
    I am sorry to hear that your sad story has been going on for so long. I think Jewels’ advise is the best one: do what you want to do! enjoy life with friends, activities, hobbies and starts to develop your own life. Indeed it is not always to leave everthing but you can make the choice to be become more independent emotionally, which will give you the strengh and wisdom to live a happier life. Good luck!

    1. Hello Virginie,

      I also felt the same way, thinking my husband is the weaker one and I need to be there for him so that he will be ok. I still think that sometimes and I have to constantly remind myself that it is not my job to make him stronger, he has to want to do that himself. But what ended up happening in my case is that I was trying to focus on him being stronger and helping him out so much that I became weak myself, and did not even know it. I totally get your reason for staying, it happens all the time that women stay for reasons other than ‘love’, you are just brave enough to admit it, and if that is what you feel is the right thing for you and your family, who is anybody else to judge. I wish you the best!!

  12. Hi Jewels,
    Thank you for your response.
    You are right , by helping them too much, we forget that we too need to recover and end up getting weaker. Furthermore, they can’t even learn from their mistake because they spend too much time focussing on themselves and we are left to heal the pain alone.
    I have only learnt it the second time… hopefully it will make me more wise and mature this time and for the rest of my life! Our relationship is much more “bumpy” now because I am getting much more assertive so it is not a really pleasant mood everyday… let see how we will be able to cope with two “new” people, a “learning” husband and a more “assertive” wife!!
    I really appreciate your comments and honestly.
    All the best to you too.

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