Online Cheating – The New Epidemic

The internet is making it way too easy for husbands to make advances on women via the internet; it is ruining families all across the world. It starts off innocent, and the next thing you know your husband is committing adultery and meeting someone he found on line for sex after work!

Every day, 100 women find out their husband was cheating online. Okay, okay. I just made that statistic up. But even though I have no facts to back it up, I think the actual number is probably a lot bigger than that. There are so many ways to meet people online (dating sites, chat rooms, message boards, even websites designed for people who are looking to cheat on their spouses) and so many ways for people to hide what they’re doing. Worse, we are dealing with an avenue for cheating (online affairs) that previous generations never had to deal with, which makes getting advice from elders pretty hard. It’s not like you can call mom up and ask what to do about your husband finding a woman to mess around with on

Because online cheating impacts women and wives from all walks of life, we are going to have to stick together and support each other. I don’t claim to have all the answers about what to do here, but I do know what online cheating can do firsthand. While I love the internet (I mean, I did make this site where we’re all talking!), the internet can be a dirty little playground for affair seeking individuals.

I thought I was teaching my husband something by getting him interested to the web. “Oh baby,” I said. “The internet is so cool! You can find out about jobs, get the latest news, connect with friends…let me show you!” If only I’d known that he was going to use the computer training to learn how to connect with other women! The nerve! Maybe in my next relationship I should live way out on a farm in the country with no TV, computers, or cell phones. That way I know he can’t do anything…until he meets the woman who lives next door. Just kidding!

49 thoughts on “Online Cheating – The New Epidemic”

  1. This is how it all started with my husband! Of course he said they’ve never met but how true is that? We’ve only been married 1 year and 5 months. How is it possible to stay with someone if they have already done it once in such a short period of time?

  2. Hello Ashley,

    I gotta tell you from experience (my husband cheated soon after marriage as well), it is possible to recover, but takes a TON of work from both parties. I was actually willing, but my husband wasn’t. Plus, I think that both cheating and talking with women online are highly addictive, which doesn’t help. I would really take some time, dig deep and think about what you want in a relationship. Then I would do some of the things I talk about in my free ebook like see if he is really dedicated and committed to working things out. If he is saying ‘I don’t see what the big deal is…’ – not a good sign. If this just happened recently then it might be ok, but if 3 months later, he is still saying things of that nature, I would not leave right away, but I would start to think about your plan B for your life, and what that would look like. Best of luck, I actually hope it works out in your best interest, whatever you decide to do.


  3. My husband’s “mistress” befriend him on Facebook. They went to the same elementary school together and her sister worked for my husband’s mother. He says she initiated the “meet”. I thought that would make a difference to me, but it doesn’t. He agreed to meet her. That was probably about the time he “un-friended” me on FB. Though I love the technology of the internet and texting, I hate them right now…….they are major triggers when he’s on his computer or texting on his phone. Or when I call or text him and he doesn’t answer right away, I can feel my anxiety level (and blood pressure) rise!

  4. Hello MS,

    Yes!! I remember literally feeling sick to my stomach when my husband was online. I just read some study from lawyers that state that 50% of all divorces have a Facebook element to it. That is crazy!! I am going to write a post about it. Stay strong, I know this is a crazy time for you, I feel it through your post. Get as much rest as you can, I literally stressed my self to the hospital several times before I learned how to deal with the situation.

  5. I’ve just found sexual conversation (if you can call it that) on my husbands phone between him and a colleague of his. We have an 8 week old baby and been married for under 2 years. He says it never went further but how do i trust that?? Before I was pregnant I had a much higher sexual drive than him but never considered for a moment that i should look elsewhere, but now since I’ve had my baby I haven’t actually been able to ‘perform’. If i believe it never went further – how do I stop the ‘what if’s’ … I know that if I didn’t have a baby a decision would be much easier to make but I have to consider my child!! How do I know that he wouldn’t have gone further – that it was innocent flirting as he calls it? How do I trust him not to do it again. Surely if the thought is in your head and you’re discussins sexual fantasies with another woman – that is almost as bad as actually cheating??

  6. Your story brings back so many painful memories. I remember being pregnant and beating myself up because I didn’t have sex drive anymore, I think my hormones were out of whack. I remember being pregnant and finding my husband’s very sexy text messages. His (my husband’s) were pretty obvious that this was an affair. Here is my opinion on your situation – if he is willing to send another woman a sexy text, then he is willing to have sex with her, and probably already did. Men typically will deny affairs unless there is absolute proof. You don’t flirt in that manner with just a friend. With that said, you have a child, and I know first hand how it feels when you find this out right after you had a child together (it is horrible!!). So here is what I recommend for you.

    You have a child. You are going to be paranoid for a while because of what you saw, there is no way around it. Continue to try to talk to your husband, if he gets mad and doesn’t want to talk about it – take note, something is probably up. If it was just an innocent flirt – can he call her while your on the line listening? If he isn’t willing to do that (I don’t care if it is uncomfortable for him, your the wife, and he should be doing what he can to make it work). If he doesn’t want to do it – take note.

    Now, you need to start putting together what I call your plan B. Plan B is when you find out that the man you marriage might not be prince charming. Plan B is figuring out your potential exit strategy. I am not saying do anything at this point, just think about your options over the next 6 months. If you had to leave, how could it work out? I have my mental plan in place, but it took me over a year to really get some action going because I have 2 kids and I can’t just leave. Again, I would want nothing more than for both of you to work it out, but I want you to start thinking about your Plan B, so that if the event shall occur that you would have to leave, mentally, you will be in a good state. Just my little old opinion…

    Take care of you and the newborn…boy I remember those sleepless nights with the baby and the ‘is he still cheating’ thing – awful. But things will get better for you personally….

  7. I was in a “fairy tale” relationship where I was genuinely happy for the first time in my life. My husband and I have been together for 12 years, and the first time I caught him was 5 years ago (at the 7 year itch point?). He swore he would never hurt me like that again, because I fell so far. It turns out that he never did stop. He was on the internet, and on the telephone, although he swore he never met any of these women in person.(and even though they all live hours and hours away)…..I still had to get STD/HIV tested for my own peace of mind.

    He has a huge problem with this…..60 or 70 women online…..looking anonymously for something that’s missing in him. Thank God I have a great therapist helping me through this.

    We have 4 children (biologically mine) and we are trying to work it out. He has begun some intense therapy with a wonderful therapist and I am learning that this can be a serious addiction like drinking or gambling. What makes an alcoholic take that first drink? Does he wake up in the morning and say “Gee, I think I’ll screw up my life for awhile, lose my children, and screw up my life?” I’m learning it’s all about ineffective coping (which I personally, may be queen of presently).

    If hubby wasn’t seeing someone, I would have zero hope. The things he wrote were disgusting (more because he was writing these things with someone ELSE). The way he talked about me in a derogatory manner in order to excuse his own behavior may be the thing that has hurt me the most. I know he says he loves me….that this was all just fantasy…but words cut and wound terribly.

    I’m not certain what tomorrow will bring, but today, I am still trying. However, I think it’s difficult for him (or anyone who hasn’t been through this) how raw I still am after 6 months. He did a lot of this during his work day (some job, huh?) and even after getting fired from one job for doing this, he STILL could not stop. My heart starts beating quickly the second he leaves for work…and flies into my throat every time his phone rings.

    Thank you for letting me vent. I could really use some knowledge of a light at the end of this proverbial tunnel (heck, IS there even a light? Is there even a TUNNEL?) For the very first time in my life I feel lost in the dark with no lights and no compass. I have been severely depressed…I have been severely anxious….and I have wanted to take some severe revenge on these women who knew he was married and still had no qualms. Why do we do this to each OTHER, as women???

    Anyway, thanks again….

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  9. What I’ve read from above, pretty much matches my scenario. My husband has an online, Facebook blonde whom excites him, makes him laugh, and talks the nasty dirty the way he likes it. His argument is, he would never (replace word) bonk – her! It’s just role playing, fantasy – but he’s in his later 50’s, and we’ve been married 7 years, and he has an addictive personality – drinker big time, after 8pm mind you. You see, because he only starts after 8 – he says he’s not an alcoholic. Once that gets in him, he stays up late, until 3:30 in the morning, on facebook, being Mr. Witty, Clever, Charming – drawing in women who think he’s adorable and funny, and BAM – three facebook affairs. From 2009, where he was in two at once, I found out, had all the evidence, he blocked them – tried to play reformed. Now, 2010 – another one, this one he’s hanging on to and stating, it’s just a fantasy role play for kicks. That I still love you, but I love HER in a different way.

    I have to leave… there’s no way for this to work. This morning, he also told me I was boring in bed, and that he wanted someone that made him feel good – but – that he would never do her, or anyone else, it’s just to thrill of the excitement.

    Me, I’m still collecting all the bits and pieces of my intestines, heart and stomach and trying to fit them back together to function normal once more.

  10. Hello MFields,

    I did goof and respond to the wrong comment, so I am replacing it with this comment 🙂 The first thing that struck a nerve with me is that he said that you were boring in bed. How awful to hear this while you know that he is engaging in sexual fantasy conversation with other women, that is a very hurtful thing to say at this time in your marriage. Don’t listen to him, if you were bad in bed, he would never have married you!! Typically people project, so the comment he made to you is secretly how he things of himself :).

    It seems like now that you have experienced this 3 times, and your done. If this is the case, it seems like you’re on the path to start thinking about your exit strategy and how that would look. It’s a shame that the internet has so many positive uses for society but many married men use it in this manner. Best of luck to you.

  11. I can’t believe that when men go on line and forget they are married, we women are then supposed to waste our energy, time and emotions to
    “work with these poor” men who deep down do know better.

    My husband sat six feet away from me texting prostitutes in Mexico, asking them their rates, after I just made him his favorite dinner.

    I am divorcing him, who needs this garbage in their lives.

    1. Hello Donna,

      You’re right, they all know better. The part where I see the ‘these poor men’ play out is when we actually leave – they act like the thought of us leaving if we found out never crossed their mind, which really angers me, it’s quite arrogant. But once we leave they know they lost a good thing. Anyways, good luck with the divorce!

  12. I don’t know what to do. My husband was caught 8 years ago by someone’s husband sending dirty fantasy sex emails to his wife. The guy finally called me to blow him in. I was devastated. There was no physical relationship just messages. About 6 months ago I found that he was deleting emails and forgetting to dump the trash so I took a look and sure enough he was flirting and talking sexy with a girl on his phone and emails. He promised me he loved me he told me it would NEVER happen again. Then he got angry because I asked too many questions and said I was never going to get over this, all in the same night. Yesterday,day after my birthday I saw some facebook messages from a girl that were a little flirty. At one point she said to check out her ass wed pic. he replied something like wow that was enlightening. She then told him that she could be his hot tour manager he replied that he could be her enthusiastic camera guy but he doesn’t have a camera so she would just have to bent over and he could say click. This prompted me to so some searching. I found a secret email acct with almost nothing read on it but did notice one that had about 50 messages that was read. I looked into it and it was full of advise, silly talk,and then something about him climbing all over her like a jungle guy. He also stated that he was bummed that she had a new boyfriend because he wouldn’t be getting anymore sexy pics of her. The one said DDDDEEEEllicious ass and tummy not to mention your tits, I already love your moth so everything between them and your mouth is an amusement park. I confronted him and he cried and told me I was the only girl for him and that he has never even touched another girl and that this one lives out of the country. He told me he didn’t really think much of it, same story as the last time. He is a good person I don’t believe that he has physically cheated, he’s a wonderful father. But come to find out that he has been talking to her for 3 years! I can count on one hand how many times we have had successful sex in 3 years. He blames it on old age and the fact that I take to long to orgasm have been with him for 20 years and have basically begged him to be romantic or at least tender with me and he never can do it. If he rubs my back as soon as I tell him that it feels nice he stops, he hates kissing. What is wrong with me? Am I a total fool? I love him disparately and I don’t want to grow old without him. He is 48 and I am 39 and all the girls he has had these interactions with have been 20 years younger than him. I am heartbroken. Should I divorce him?

    1. Hello Mel,

      It seems like your husband has a problem with engaging in these sexy conversations with women online. The one lady he has been talking to for 3 years is a bit much and needs special attention if you are going to make this work. You ask if you should divorce him, this is just my opinion, I always tel women to go with what you feel is the best decision for you.

      The first think I will say is that you really seem to want to work things out with your husband, which is great, but your husband has to want it just as much. This is the second time you have caught him in a lie about online cheating. It is extremely hard to trust again after uncovering lies for the second time. I would see if your husband would consider going to therapy to deal with his online addiction. He has to get to the root of what is causing him to interact with women online. Even when you say when he rubs your back and you say you like it, he stops, there is something within himself that he needs to deal with. Many men cheat because they feel the need to be validated, and you can be the best wife in the world, if they don’t have the confidence within themselves (due to getting older, money etc.), they will search for it, and going online is a popular option unfortunately. Also I am almost positive that the way he talks to those girls via email is not the way he talks to you. Many men have the urge to talk dirty but don’t want to do it to their ‘wife’ so they sneak and do it with other women. I say all this to say your husband has a problem, and the only way for the marriage to survive is if he admits he has a problem, and gets the proper help to address his problem. Lastly, you mention that you are 39 and you don’t want to grow old without him. I just want you give you a little news flash – you don’t have to worry about growing old just yet, you are 39…(smile). For you personally, I feel that there is some confidence/dependency issues, I may be guessing from your style of writing, but I get the feeling like you feel helpless, and just know no matter what happens, you have options. I wish you the best!!

  13. Hi Jewels,

    Like the other ladies, I too have had issues with the internet and my husband.

    We have only been married for 4 months, but have been together for 5 years. We also have a 5 week old daughter.

    I checked my husbands phone on Saturday, and discovered text messages to both men and women (several different people) talking about hook ups for last week when I was away visiting family. It didnt appear that they occured, but definately looked like there was intent. I questioned him, and of course he profusly denied ever meeting them – instead said that they instigated it! As far as I am concerned it takes two to tango! Or in some of the messages case – 3!

    Then today I also checked one of his email accounts, and saw he was emailing another man about hooking up after work, with what looks to be ever night after work.

    The issue I am now confronted with is that this is not the first time this has happened in our relationship – infact I have busted him 3 times before! Except now seems that bit more serious, he is putting down our sex life (or lack there of because of lengthy recovery from delivery), my house cleaning etc, to the point where I cry every night.

    He has very little to do with our little girl and cracks it when she crys etc.

    My question is, do you think this sort of relationship is able to be fixed – or should I just bite the bullet and end it now! I still love him, but definately can’t trust him, and dont think I ever can.


  14. Hello everyone… I’m back.

    Jewel, you are so right, it is an Epidemic. I’m back to let you and all know what’s going on now.

    I left…

    That blew him away, because he honestly thought there was no way that I would leave him. He thought I loved him so much that I would sulk a bit and then accept it I guess – I’m not sure what he though. Well, not long after posting here, I left one morning to get groceries after the previous night, where the final straw broke the camels back. ME… the camel.

    Instead of shopping, I went into the emergency housing agency in town. Trying to keep myself under control while asking for help, I totally lost it in the housing office. Talk about humiliating myself… but… I couldn’t get myself back under control. I’d been calling them previous to this breakdown – pleading for a place to go to. There was a waiting period they could do nothing about.

    Well, that day… when I went it, I was in such a hysterical state, sobbing, unable to speak, but through desperate force, I was able to get out what I was going through. They took what they saw very serious.

    Labelling it as mental, emotional and verbal abuse, they IMMEDIATELY got on the phone and called three women’s shelters and found one for me that had an opening, and they asked, would I consider going to one to get away from him? I said… YES… PLEASE… YES… I beg you get me out of there, yes yes yes!!

    It took them 2 hours to get it set up. In the meantime, my husband who was stone sober the next morning … was already regretting the night before, he must have felt that he’d gone too far this time. He started texting me, calling my mobile. I ignored him. Calling me sweetheart, Luv, and other endearments, with… “Where are you? Text me back… call me – I’m worried about you.”

    When they had everything set up, I had two hours to go home, gather what I would be taking and van would be there to pick me up, because I didn’t have a car. They wanted to know did I need the police, and I told them, he’s not physically violent – I would be okay.

    When I returned home – he had the face of – “What have I done, I’m sorry.” Not realizing that I was leaving until he noticed that I was rushing up the stairs to bring my bags down from the attic. When I came down with three, and began taking my own computer apart, he had stood the whole time looking at me incredulous. As if he didn’t quite get it.

    Long story short, I broke down and told him that I loved him, and I wanted him to be happy. That I wasn’t it – the means for him to be happy. I told him I hope that she – makes you happy, but I can’t live this way… I’m not made up this way. I’ll be back for my other things later… I wish you well.

    That floored him! It was the last thing he expected me to do, actually leave him. I lived in the shelter for 6 weeks. During that time, he had to face some hard and fast facts about himself and what he did to us. His children, were all over his case – especially his daughters – because both love and respect me.

    We’re back together… to trust him again was the biggest fight I’ve even endured. Do I trust him now? Nope… I have my doubts. But the good thing is… I know I can leave… I did it before, and if I have to do so again, it will be permanently. He knows this, is sure of it. During this year since… I’m almost at the point where I can take care of myself from home. I’m a writer, and my royalties are just about to the amount that if I left, I wouldn’t need a dime from him.

    He’s back to the man he was before… almost. To be fair in this, I have to give his side of the story. He had his thyroid zapped… his GP was supposed to supply him with Hormone replacement and didn’t. He spent almost two years going down and changing into someone I didn’t know anymore. Will we make it? I don’t know… it’s almost the anniversary of when I left him, and I pray he’s got his stuff together, but he knows… he can tell, after what he put me through before… I’m not the same. THIS TIME… should it happen again, I won’t come undone… WE … will just be done… for good this time.

  15. @ Jewell… You are right , i want to work thing out for my children my old is 21 and 13 is the youngest, they think the world of their daddy and I don’t want that to change. I don’t want them to think all men are men are pigs, although I am not sure it is the right thing to do. It has not been 3 women it has been 5, I also neglected to tell you that I have made out with a man 3 years ago. i couldn’t be remorseful I just wanted to feel wanted and my husband hadn’t kissed me in YEARS ( like twice passionately in 10 yeas) I know that is NO excuset!!!. I mean NO physical intimacy aside from sex. It almost like I disgust him. I am soo embarassed, humiliated and I feel simply unwanted. I think at this point this I will quit completely ( that ay lead to forever. I don’t think he desires me at all at this point and it breaks my heart. I don’t want to grow old alone. I really want to grow old with him but at this pace I’m not sure I am wasting my time on a back burner. He plays music and there are many fan girls 15 to 30 years younger than I and I am stating to think that they might be what he wants at this point, I know it wasn’t that way before, but things have seriously changed. All the girls he talks to are 3 to 7 years older than our oldest daughter.. I SIMPLY can’t make him happy or even make him want to be with me anymore. I feel like my life is completely a waist . I really just want to drop dead, this pain in my heart is just too overwhelming

    That is certainly not an excuse for my actions but i JUST WANTED TO BE PASSIONATELY WANTED. NEVER DID I WANT TO BE WITH HIM…… NEVER. I simPly wanted to feel like I was desired, I used him to make me feel desired. I wasn’t even sexually attracted to him at ALL. At the time I did know about the one girl that he email for over a year, maybe two, he even had me talk on the phone about her moving there ( she was in real estate agent).
    I want passion back, I cant live without it. I don’t mean making out everyday and sex constantly I just want him to inisiate some true love making. He said maybe to me that maybe he wasn’t in to in because we needed to get more creative to make him happy. I feel (right or wrong) that I am a sole initiaitor and the I am THE CREATIVE ONE INE IN BEDROOM. I FEEL HELPLESS!!!! I can’t think of any more ideas and he expects them to all come from me. This may be something I set up in the begining. I did things he had never done with anyone, ever. Thing he is way to shy to try but I can’t always one up it ,and I feel like that is expected of me.
    I give him amazing oral sex as often as I can and it hasn’t been reciepicated in nearly 5 years. Because I have brought it up to him I feel dicusisng and if he were to do it that it would be a giant chore. Also he feels no need to satisfiy me when he can’t preform. I always make sure I take care of him when it isn’t the rare occasion that I am soooo resentful that he feels no obligation to me. We had sudo sex the other night and i was so would up that I had to chill out away from him and his first question to me was” do you was to take the vibrator”. Oh my god!!! I just wanted to die, I could not believe that he wouldn’t give an inch to satisfy obligation to satisfy me. I am a child of sexual abuse so certain things just don’t work for me. Pushing my head between his legs sends me into this horrible place and I don’t want to make him feel creepy but fuck it makes me angry and sick. How do I communicate that. I have certainly pushed hints buy nothing seems to work.

    Anyway my self esteem is already shit but at this point I don’t know if we should even be together. I love him like nobody I could ever love, but i am not feeling those feelings back. Al feel from him is obligation and guilt. I am hopelessly in love but I don’t think I can keep myself alive like this anymore f he doesn’t love me I just want to leave this worly. How can i DO THIS WITHOUT RINING MY CJILDREN AND PARENTS. I truly think they are all better without me. I am nothing to most of them, at least thats what I feel.
    Tank you, Mel

  16. What’s is always hard to deal with on a daily basis is the trust. I want to trust him and have tried but the gut feeling never goes away. My oldest son today got a new lap top (he has autisim, so I know he doest look at porn or would go into chat rooms) and I had to tell my husband to refrain from looking at porn on his sons computer. my husband just made a noise and left the room.
    I don’t like being the monitor all the time but it seems that I always will be because there is no trust. His way of dealing with his cheating on me for over 5yrs (all on line, accept for one time he was planning on meeting this one girl on our family vacation in Disneyworld. ) is to not think about it anymore and to do nothing like counseling. While I fester in my thoughts daily about his betrayal! The only reason his never met up with the OW was because he husband called me the night before our flight to Disneyworld and told me of their plans. She left her IM chat open on the computer so he saw everything. They lived in Chicago and us in California. She was a desperate lady unhappy in her marriage so she looked for another. Well to make a long story short her husband divorced her and I stayed with mine. some days I still wonder why I stayed. Was it because both my boys now men 18yrs & 21yrs old have autistim? Maybe I just didn’t want change, or to loose everything I worked hard for. Some days I just wish I had an affair to through in his face to see how he would handle it.

  17. My husband started cheating on me over the internet in 2009, and even though I never thought anything was going on because he would always say that he was with a group of people that like to make poems and power point videos. I was actually happy that he was connecting with other people that had the same interest as he did. But in 2010 my mother fell ill and I had to travel to another state and he was at home but during this time he started connecting with these supposed group and started to create romantic poems and mounting his picture as a fantasy cop or other characters, He was actually telling these women that he had not had a sexual relationship for 20 years this is how long we have been together. I never suspected that he was connecting in any way with this group. I did not read the signs like our phone bill was higher and he was on the computer for hours on end like til 3:00 am. Then this started becoming a habit of every day. I would wake him up to go to work and try to attend to making breakfast or lunch and he would just say no it okay don’t get up I will eat at work. Then in December 2010 he comment that he wanted to see his parents in Mexico because they we very sick and he demanded that I save his money and buy his ticket so that he could go in May 2011 like a dummy I gathered the money and he went over to Mexico to have an affair with two women. How did I catch him I had a gut feeling and I loaded a software to gain access to his e-mail/Face Book and other accounts. He had the nerve to send them out e-mail with him in the picture. I am not sorry that I did it because it got me out of doubt we are in therapy but I am still very angry I sometimes wish the worst for him. Will I get over it I don’t think so. There is so much more but my eyes water up in anger.
    Thanks for letting me not feel like I am alone.

    1. Connie/myls:


      You are not alone, you trusted your husband and should of, after 20 years you want the best for him. It is interesting how we just know something is not right, and then after we look back and see the signs, something told you things were off, and your instincts were right. Now the healing process begins. Therapy is a good thing, as many husbands refuse to do so. It’s ok to feel deep anger for your husband putting your through this, I know I wish some very negative things about my ex-husband. But it is all a part of the process, know that and know you are going in the right direction. It does not matter at this point if you stay or leave, the important thing is progress, especially with yourself. Think about YOU and what YOU can learn from this experience, at the end of the day, it’s all we can really control. Hugs to you.


      You are not dumb, thousands of women are in your shoes. You know he is not treating you well, but you can not leave. It’s not so much that you love him, the question is how much do you love yourself? Hugs to you!

  18. Would you believe it when we were at therapy I was suppose to say something positive about what we have lived together and when I was giving my opinion my husband would cut me off and would not allow me to finish and when we got home he started to scramble and say that he was going to go to school. ( for the 100th time) and then he left and even came home and started to exercise. Then as the week went along he was dry and short with me. Over the weekend my mother was hospitalized and he did not even give me a supportive hug nor anything. On Monday after he came back from school, we were getting ready for bed and then we were saying good night and he did not even kiss me so I asked him why was he so dry and indifferent. His excuse was that the opinion that I gave at therapy about how I did everything really hurt him and that he was feed up and wanted to separate. Could you believe the excuse! I know that he wants to reconnect with those women. So I told him to stop using what I said as an excuse and that I know that he wants to connect with those women. So I told him that he could not get out of this marriage without clearing all of our financial problems and that we would then see a lawyer and we can get a divorce. I actually feel a whole lot better. I will keep you posted.

  19. My husband has been cyber cheating for the last 6 years doing everything possible short of meeting them in person (he swears he never has). We went to therapy but it didn’t help for a number of reasons. We stopped going. I thought he had told me everything then WHAM – I found out about his cyber whore he’s been constantly in contact with for the past 2 years. I confronted her and told him that I wanted to move on – away from him and focus on getting better myself and concentrate on my daughter. Since then he’s been even more remorseful: crying and saying that he doesn’t want to lose us. I said that I want nothing to do with him at the moment and that he needs to get help and needs to get it by himself because I have no room for him nor do I want to be dragged back into therapy with him while he sits there lying.

    I’ve since found a new therapist. From what she understands she is guessing he has “Madonna-Whore” syndrome. Has anyone ever come across this? There’s a lot online about: some more generalized and misinterpreted while a select few really get to the core and truth of it. I feel so helpless. It feels like there’s no way out when I read it, even though the therapist says there is. Does anyone else’s husband have this? Is there hope?

  20. Lydia, I looked up the Madonna whore syndrome as I had heard of it in the past and wanted to be sure I understood what it is. You didn’t go into detail but when you mentioned that your husband has been abusing himself on the internet it set off some warning bells for me. My husband had become addicted to internat porn and masturbation which caused porn induced ED. If you go to it will explain it further. I don’t know but could your husbands problem be that instead? I think it would be easy to confuse the two as the symptoms can be similar. He can’t get help until he knows for sure what his issue is. Good luck to you and I am in awe of you as you sound very strong.

  21. Gimlet,
    Thanks for the info. I just skimmed through it quickly. Here’s the site I read about Madonna-Whore:

    From what I skimmed quickly through the site you suggested it doesn’t sound like him, but I will look more closely into it later. His problems are on the physical end – more emotional. When I think back there were so many small clues that add up now.

    I am at my wits-end with men! And they claim women are emotional, unstable and hard to understand. HA!

    Thanks for your faith in me. I myself don’t feel strong at the moment. I feel my life is like looking inside a kaleidoscope at the moment. All the problems in my marriage have surfaced for me, even the one’s we’ve worked through. I am so happy for the therapist that I’ve come in contact with. She’s wise and doesn’t try to tell me what to do. She’s supportive without being problem-solving orientated. And it helps that my H has deep, deep remorse.

    My self-esteem has taken a huge hit. All this sh*t that’s been caused because he chose to jerk off online with unstable women. Seriously, something must be mentally off with these people that are online doing this stuff. How can you get the fulfillment you need by people commenting on your genitalia?! This “girlfriend” of his for example – on one website she’s been an active member for one year and already looked at over 34,000 videos. DOES SHE WORK?! Where does she find the time? The sad part is, all this time is taken away from the family instead. My H’s chose to be with these women instead of me and his daughter.

    Anyway, he says it feels good to be caught – like the devil is off his back, or so he says. Long message, I know. Sorry, just a bunch of pent up rage.
    Thanks for responding.

  22. Lydia, I don’t get it, either it all seems so pitiful to me. It’s so sad as you say how it took them away from their families and makes me angry too when I think about it. Like your husband mine says he is relieved to have the secret out as he was always in fear of my discovering his secret. But what about us, our pain goes on. I have to admit my husband has been dioing all he can to get over this stuff but only time will tell. Good luck to you.

  23. Believe me my H does not have the Madonna/Whore syndrome he actually went to Mexico and had sex with these women and then he has the nerve to say that I was to blame for his infidelity because I was not a loving wife. How can that be if I did everything for him and yet never let him worry about home problems. He tells me that he wants us to be friends so that if I need help with anything that he will be around. Please I don’t want him around I don’t want to be his friend. I have been that and more in our 20 year marriage. He is trying to leave me standing in the water by myself, financially, because he tells me so what are you going to do with the house let it go to default or are you planning to keep it. I mean come on he wants out because for the last 4 months I cut him off of the computer and the internet and this month is his anniversary when he went to Mexico and was with those women. It makes me sad because this month was our 20th anniversary. I feel strong but I know that at the same time I am about to breakdown.

    1. Hello Ladies!


      Thanks for sharing about the madonna-whore complex. I went to the site and read a little bit on it. I think there is some truth to it in my particular situation because of the way that my husband interacted with the OW. The text messages were very sexual and ‘dirty’ in nature, saying things that he would never say to me. It upset me because I consider myself an open person, I would be down for a little fun, but he choose to have fun with her. I do think there is pedestal sexually that some men hold with the wives that they won’t go there with us. Like porn, many men watch it, but if asked to have the wife participate, it’s like nooo….but then with the OW, he shares those dirty thoughts with. He treated her different sexually than he did me, it’s like she was the ‘whore’ from the complex standpoint, and therefore anything goes, but because I was the father of his children, well, he felt he could not do those things with me. Not all marriages have this, but I think mine had a little bit of it going on. I would always try to get him to open up sexually to me and I never felt that he was totally fully himself sexual with me.

      Connie, I know it’s tough right now with the emotions all over the place, but you will get through this. Take Care!

  24. You know I was the first women that sexually satisfied him we did every fantasy that he would think of, this is why I know that the Madonna/whore syndrome was not it. We even watch porn together. But supposedly he says that the women were just his friends and that all of a sudden they started to take their clothes off and this intrigued him so thus his addiction began.
    I want to explode but I know that I have to keep up this appearance until he is gone to show him that I am better than those women. But truly I want to shout out to everyone that he is a jerk and then have him beat up just so he can feel some pain.

  25. Connie,
    First I want to express how sorry I am for your pain. I too held in my rage in the beginning because I was utterly embarrassed by what he’s done – to me,to our marriage/family AND by those videos of himself online. I was so embarrassed, hurt and betrayed. Everytime we went out and saw a woman looking his way I wondered if he’s had contact with her. I even wondered if any of the people we knew saw what he was up to online and didn’t say anything (he even had pics of his face online). I hate that someone may have had been carrying a secret about my marriage that I knew nothing about.
    Because of all this, I kept it between ourselves. Like I mentioned earlier, went initially went to therapy together and I was starting to believe him when he said he was telling me everything there was to know. He would even cry (hard, sobbing cry with his chin wobbling) and I felt both the need to comfort him and angry because the focus was on him (AGAIN!) and not how I was feeling and my needs. I was breaking down and he was the one getting the help!

    We stopped going for a number of reasons. Then when I found out about the online OW it was like the dam broke. I felt like such a fool, like he had no respect for me and thought I was an idiot, that he didn’t care about me and put the OW first by protecting her from me. I called my mom straight away and told her the sordid details and that I was leaving him and she was so supportive. He stood there shocked. He told his parent as well. From that day forward I held nothing back verbally and in my anger (I know it was wrong, I was just so fed up with his lies) I punched him on my arm several times. I made it become about me and us (me, my daughter). I got help for myself, separate and away from him. And you know what? I FEEL SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER! Not about what he’s done, but about myself and that I can make it, I will get better. I lifted his problems off my shoulders and handed them back where they belong.

    So Connie, I guess what I am saying is that you need to ask yourself why you are holding back. Whom is benefiting from it. YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO YOUR FEELINGS. EXPRESS THEM. And, most importantly of all: GET HELP FOR YOURSELF, BY YOURSELF. From what I’ve read about your situation, your H isn’t taking any responsibility at all. No one forced him cyber cheat on you and watch these women get nude online and do whatever else they did with each other and you certainly didn’t force him to take a trip to Mexico to meet these emotionally unstable nuts. It all comes back to him and whatever he’s lacking within himself.
    Him throwing in your financial situation sounds like a veil threat to me: you won’t make it without me. It sounds like he’s trying to plant this seed of doubt in your brain so that he will still have you when he gets back.

    I get the issue with being married 20 years. We haven’t been married that long, but we’ve been together 14 years.
    Jerks! LOL.

  26. Just want to say thanks for everyone’s support. Today I am feeling torn down I want to cry and say why me but I know that it really is not me but that my H is a jerk. I want to express my feelings out loud but I don’t get to see my therapist until tomorrow and I just can’t wait I feel down on the down on the dumps. I feel my loss of 20 years climbing on me. I want to escape this whole situation but how can I when I need to work and support our household. The real prisoner is me, quick some one send me “the get out of jail card”. Thanks again for being there.

  27. Connie, Hugs to you. Feel free to express whatever you want here sometimes we just need to cry other times we need to rant. We are all here to listen and support. Hope you have a good day.

  28. Hello everyone just an update of what is going on. Well my H had asked me to separate a while back but then after Mothers’ Day he wanted to be with me so I let him come back but I thought that he would talk with me and sort out what was going on but he did not. We went on for a few weeks and then he was starting up his old habits. He was making requests on gifts that he wanted to receive for Fathers’ Day but yet he did not buy or take me out for Mothers’ Day. On the weekend we were getting along until he brought the day to a halt when he wanted to use the computer and change his music on his iPod. This made me very upset so I decided to go upstairs and not see him using the computer because I feel that sooner or later he has to get back on there. He came upstairs and told me if I was upset I told him that he was going to do what he wanted to do anyway. So after that I went to bed and he stayed up changing his music then he came up and went to bed. For the next few days he stopped talking to me and did not want to even have a conversation.
    Recently I have been writing poems that are related to this situation that we are going through and I wanted to share it with him because it includes the downfall of our relationship but he did not want to read it. I went to therapy and my therapist said to ask him where I stand in this relationship, that he has not honored me as his wife, that he needs to stop acting like a child or stop asking for things like if he was a kid asking his mother for things, that he needs to get more mature in his ways. He has not been sincere about being or wanting to come back. When I asked hm why he came back upstairs he said that he felt bad for me because I looked sad. Can you believe this. I know he wants to be with me and I with him but he is on some kind of power trip like I can do what I want and you will have to be submissive or at least this is how he is making me feel.
    We have gone to go see a bankruptcy lawyer and will be clearing our finances but after that he will have to make a decision of what he truly wants to do I am planning to move on I am just tired of trying and feeling like I am alone in this battle.

    1. Hello Connie,

      Thanks for the update, you are SO not alone (smile). I remember when I took the time to write down the things we needed to work on in the realtionship to make it work. I really took the time to think about what would need to change, my husband said he wanted to stay together, but we needed action, not words. So that night I presented it to him, it included simple things that reading for a few minutes each night a book on how to recovery and build trust, dancing to our favorite songs alone together, I thought I was onto a great rebuilding effort. After I finished he looked at me and said something along the lines of…..I might not want to do this when I get home from work, I might want to relax or watch TV, I might do this, might not….

      I was crushed!! I really felt like he just told me that TV was more important than the marriage. I couldn’t help it, I started crying and of course once I started crying he acts like he wants to participate, but by that time, it was too late, the damage was already done.

      It seems like your husband is being stubborn right now, he is going to regret this, he doesn’t really what he has in you. I can see you moving past this and being quite happy, with or without him. I know you are committed, but he has to show his commitment by action in order for the rebuilding of the marriage to work. Take Care!!

  29. Hi everyone….
    I thought I would update. I gave up trying to “police” what my husband was doing. He wound up leaving another job (where he was doing the same things on the internet even during work hours but had never actually been caught) and has consistently gone to therapy, but has shared none of his growth with me.

    The therapist has recently cut his sessions down from once a week to once a month, citing that because he is “an avoidant personality” it takes him longer to process things, and therefore, his once a week isn’t therapeutic. I understand all of this in my mind but I’m still furious with him for not trying harder….and not communicating to me ANY of this moments of clarity about why he did these things.

    It’s been two years since I wrote originally, and I can honestly say that I still don’t trust him. Years ago, he apologized profusely, stating he would never hurt our relationship again, and half an hour later was doing the same nonsense. So how is an “I’m so sorry for what I did” any more meaningful? I have tried to explain to him that his sorrow is still all about how HE feels, and that it hasn’t mattered in years to work on helping me forgive him. He thinks I’m splitting hairs. I may be.

    I just want everyone to know that this has been, without any doubt, absolutely the MOST DIFFICULT thing I have ever done in my life. I don’t trust him, I haven’t forgiven him, and we have stayed together for years after the infidelity.

    Back in 2010, I asked….”Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Is there even a tunnel?” and I can say that I still don’t have the answers to these questions. I think he’s learned his lesson and stopped cheating, but heck, I didn’t know he was cheating to begin with….so, maybe, just maybe, he’s learned honesty. But I doubt it.

    I read all the ladies’ letters on here, and I feel such a kinship. I’m very angry at these OW, too, because we don’t even have enough respect for another woman in a marriage to stay the heck away from another woman’s husband. I want to hug each of you.

    Sometimes I’m absolutely exhausted. And lost. And still feel very alone.

    1. Hello Alone,

      Yes this is a very difficult journey, I can sense your frustration in two years from now, still not having the trust and forgiveness. You mentioned that he has been in therapy, have you been in therapy or considered it? There is a recovery process that you go through as a wife, and the journey that you take within in dealing with the affair is just as important as the journey to try to repair the marriage. I want to share with you a really tough lesson that I learned through tears, stress, and pain.

      I can’t make him do what it takes to repair the damage. Either he is going to make the effort, or deal with the consequences, but there is nothing that I can say or do to make him want to work on the marriage, that is his choice, and I personally feel love doesn’t have much to do with it (which is where things get touchy), it’s a matter of does he want to put in the effort or not (or is he capable). Most of us typically say does he love me enough to make things right, but I disagree, I think it’s a matter of effort, ability, and will power, and they have to have that, we can’t give it to them nor force it upon them. And the more we try, the more frustrated we get.

      As you have been at this for two years, the question now becomes, what keeps you in the marriage? What part of you are you holding onto that your husband gives you? And what part of yourself are you sacrificing. If you know what keeps you and you are content with that decision, then that is yours to make. If you are unable to answer, then maybe it’s time for some serious self-reflection in order to assess current state. One you know your mental current state, you can be in a position to make a choice about your future state. Take Care, virtual hugs to you, and I hope everything works out for your best interest, and like Gimlet said, you are not alone.

  30. Dear Alone in Connecticut, You most certainly are not alone and I feel the same way you do reading the letters posted. Wish I had advise but I’m still working on finding the light too. Hug to you and remember you are not alone.

  31. Wow, i guess I am not alone!
    Less than a year into my second marriage, after “feeling” suspicious but no being able to justify the feeling, by pure coincidence; the universe answering my call for truth, i found a text that led to texts…that led to a one year online affair that reads like a porn book, plus sharing of thought, emotions, day to day stuff. Pretty much a long distance relationship that had phone sex benefits. My husband after “deny, deny, deny” (all the way trough the months of slow unveiling, because although i asked to come clean (while in therapy, he insisted he had nothing to hide (My gut knew better and led me to the Mother Lode of emails.) he is now taking the stance that he got “lost”. He is doing anything and everything, so as not lose me….But I now feel lost….what happens when one is Numb? and feel that no matter what he does will change what was done? Sure he will never do it again, but he did do it…Sorry is not enough, for me anyway, the deception is so huge! Here is my big problem I am totally financially dependent on him. We do not own anything together and nothing is in our name, he own everything house ect…i have no money , no credit, back in school (I am 51) I have a 16 yr old from a previous marriage and a 19 yr old just diagnose Bi polar back home going through therapy…im pretty much screwed financially (because i foolishly trusted him) Question is…what am I legally entitled to when we have been married now less than 3 years? I need financial help i dont even have money for a lawyer. So sad!….Ladies Live and Learn!

    1. Hi Same Boat,

      I am glad you do not feel so alone coming to the site. I remember feeling like I was going crazy because I knew something wasn’t right, but just couldn’t figure out what, and my ex-husband made me feeling like I was crazy or something. The lies within an affair are often mentally devastating and hard to get over. I remember feeling so angry for beating myself up because I believed him more than I believed myself. Like you say, live and learn!

      As to your question about a lawyer, when I went through my divorce, I was happy to find that many law firms give free consultations visits. They are about 30 minutes and you tell the lawyer your situation and get a feel for your options. I would highly recommend looking up lawyers and going in for a free consultation. That will at least get you started on having more knowledge (of course this is no legal advice because I am not a lawyer, but I am sure you can find some free initial consultation visits in your state). Best of luck to you in your journey.

      RIP to those innocent victims impacted by the school shooting in Newtown

  32. This morning my husband’s phone buzzed so I looked and it was some girl who messaged him back and I looked at all his chats and he was talking to other girls and was telling this girl lies like he Dnt have a wife or 4kids my heart just broke. I Dnt know what to do. I confronted him and he admitted it and said he gets bored at wrk so that’s why he did it but the ahole was chatting with her at home too what do I do please help me

    1. Hi Britt,

      Chatting with other women online isn’t really what a married man should do when he is bored. Seems like he got caught and just didn’t know what to say. My ex-husband did the same thing, told the OW he was getting divorced, said lies about the kids, all kind of mess. At the time, it broke my heart. Now? I know it was all a part of the cheating game, it’s just what men say to the OW to get them to do what they want. Who would want to cheat on a loving with with 4 kids? So they have to paint this negative portrait to these other girls.

      I think the only thing you can do is talk with your husband and see if he is willing to admit he has got a problem, and work on rebuilding trust. If this just happened emotions and tensions are very high and you need time to process those emotions. I wouldn’t make any major decisions, just talk, watch and observe at this time. You will know what to do next after your emotions settle, which could take some time

  33. And, less than 4 months into the marriage, my husband went online and started chatting with this Australian lady about their common fantasies (which was facials, something I am not into). Needless to say, I am crushed, found out everything by accident.

    This is the second time this has happened – the first time we were very very early on, and I found out he was on all sorts of sites that cater to people looking for cyber sex. He removed himself from those, and promised not to do it again.

    He apologized, he cried, he begged. He said it was just porn, just a fantasy, nothing related to reality. I dont care either way. He was telling the other woman how beautiful she is, how he wished he could marry her, how she is the most desirable and sexiest woman in the world and so on. I dont know what to do. I moved to the US to be with him. I am just starting to put a life together here, plus, I could not bear to go back home divorced, my society is quite conservative. I cannot fail my family like this.

    So, at the moment, I am trying to emotionally detach myself from this marriage. He has always treated me right, always careful with me, my needs and everything, which is why I think it was so shocking to find out. I can deal with us being just friends, because I do love him and I wish the best for both him and I, but he is adamant at working out our relationship. I am just so incredibly hurt that I dont think I will ever allow myself to be in such a vulnerable position again, not with him, not with other guys.

    I will be going home to visit in a month or so, and I just imagine how he will run to the computer to log back on the moment I leave.

    Any advice on how to make my life easier?

    1. Hi Kara,
      I think you are very smart in accessing your current situation. This is the second time you have caught him, which in my mind tells me he is not willing to stop. And your actions have nothing to do with him stopping, that is a decision that he has to make.
      I remember when I was still living with my ex-husband, and could not leave until I got my money and organized my life. It is so hard living with a man that you love, but you know you can not love anymore to protect yourself. So I did the same thing you are doing, emotionally detached from the relationship. It’s almost as if that was my only way to sanity. By the time I started to emotionally detach, it was the second time I caught him as well, and I just could not bear going through it again.

  34. I’ve been terribly depressed since I got my cell bill and did discovered my husband of seven years has sent received over 10,000 texts in one month. I texted the over ten odd numbers to find out he’s been meeting girls on an online dating site. He even met one. He says I ignore him and he needs a ‘friend’ but after I confronted the girls (many who didn’t know he was married) he admitted to lewd comments and pics. I’m so angry and betrayed. He kicks his phone down and claims he’s done but I don’t believe him. I am so embarrassed.

  35. Gosh this is a helpful site!

    It is so helpful to hear what others have been through, the actions you took and how that worked out! And as others have said, that you’re not alone and other people are going through this.

    I just found out that my husband has been down the online rabbit hole again. We’ve had two fights about this over the last 10 years we’ve been together. Mostly just about his porn addiction – and very early on he was on Adult Friend Finder. I made it very clear to him that I didn’t like it and to stop doing it.

    Fast forward to three weeks ago and I found the biggest cache of life changing misery on his computer. He had several twitter accounts set up using an email address I didn’t know about. He was a completely different person under his twitter account. He was tweeting a HUGE amount per day. Dirty pictures he liked, pictures of him, lots of messages to a number of women who he had developed “relationships” with.

    I then found that he had an online webcam account. In the last 12 months he’s spent about two thousand dollars on private webcam sessions. He’s also spent hundreds of dollars sending these women he’s met online gifts.

    To add insult to injury I had our first child three months ago. He was tweeting up a storm while we were in the hospital with him. Which is always a nice knock to your self confidence.

    He also had a list of local escort phone numbers. And a collection of pictures of ex girlfriends that he’d stalked from their social media accounts and had a secret app on his phone to take pictures of women’s bottoms without them noticing – creepy. He also had masses of porn saved in a secret folder.

    When I found all this stuff he was asleep in bed. I left it open on his PC, packed a bag, put the baby in the car and went to my mother’s house.

    Of course he rang and sobbed his heart out. I’m so angry with him I don’t have words to describe it. He’s getting therapy, but apparently a month on he still can’t articulate why he did what he did. At this point I’m pretty sure I’m over it. I was always raised to have a great sense of self worth. I would never have done something like this to him, so clearly he doesn’t love me enough and is no longer enough for me.

    We have to co-parent so I’m being civil to him. I think he still thinks he can win me back. I’m just being nice until we sort our financial situation out – I’m still on maternity leave so I’m going to need him to keep paying bills until I’m ready to go back to work.

    I felt absolutely miserable for about two weeks. But I’ve turned the corner now. I know that I’ll be okay by myself. I do still love who I thought he was, but I can’t stop seeing the man who I now know he is. The man who would do that to his wife and child. I know he’ll regret it. I was an amazing wife and he won’t find better. You all have to remember that. It’s not about you at all. I know I can never trust him again. I don’t want to live like that, second guessing everything, going through his phone and PC, remembering the hurt all the time – having that in-between us for the rest of our lives. No thank you. I firmly believe nearly all of them will do it again, and each time it seems to get worse.

    Mine is the same as many others who posted – says he never physically did anything. I still got an STD / HIV test anyway. How can you believe them??

    Good luck to you all. I hope you all find the strength you need to get through whatever you decide to do. I wish I had it in me to trust him again, but I don’t.

  36. Hello 🙂 I am happy to have found this article. I feel like a foolish wife here that has her white flag waving. I have been with my husband for over 5 years now. I found out the day we wed that my husband loves to flirt with the ladies. Of course I moved passed it. I am not sure if he is lieing when he says he has never met these women. The chats are never about sex, just the daily conversation getting to know one another and selfies. Well today what I found was very hurtful. He was telling this women supposedly in New Zealand that he can see having a family with her. Did I forget to mention I am 5 months pregnant with our first child????!!! I am so hurt right now, and tired of forgiving him since this is around the 6th time I have found him talking online to random women. Today he said he is addicted and needs help. I’m at a lost for words. I feel like a crazy jealous wife, before this, and now what to babysit him. How ridiculous is it that he wants me to help him not cheat on me…. Any comment?

  37. Thank you for this site as it’s good to be able to identify with others. I’ve been married for almost 40 years and always thought we had a wonderful marriage. Ever since we bought a computer, my husband would spend hours in his study working and as I trusted him, I never ever thought to check on him. Little did I know that he was spending time in chat rooms flirting with young woman! Now he does it openly and actually gets angry with me for not understanding that this is a coping mechanism!! He runs his own business and struggles to stay on top of long hours of work and debt. He says the chatting takes him away from his troubles and the fantasy helps him to cope. Lately I have read emails that he has written about me saying that he is dead inside and only feels alive when he is talking to one of his “babes” as he likes to call them. When I confront him he says he doesn’t mean a thing, still loves me and doesn’t ant me to leave him I feel utterly degraded as he doesn’t feel bad that I am aware of all the filth he shares with these loose women. I want to leave but I don’t want to hurt my kids – they think he is a perfect gentleman!! I have always believed that marriage is forever and I don’t want to be a divorce statistic. I’m nearly 60 but can easily pass for forty something, so it won’t be hard for me to find love again. I just don’t want another man. In fact I have no interest in men – I just want to be alone. Can someone please tell me what I should do? Thank you.

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