Recovering from my husband’s affair for me this weekend includes cleaning, watching the kids, more cleaning, and talking with my husband. On Saturday night, I was thinking really hard about the marriage, the affair, and my happiness radar. Something popped out as a major issue, and surprisingly it wasn’t the act of my husband cheating. My issue was that my husband is not a good communicator.
When I talk to my sister or close friends, I leave those conversations happier, relieved that I got something off my chest, or in a place where I feel good because I just learned something new. I can even have good conversations with people I just meet while doing something like shopping. But about sixty percent of the time, I leave conversations with my husband feeling angry, frustrated, or just puzzled. I almost feel as though I turned a blind eye to our communication problems, telling myself we would communicate better with time.
I’m just now learning that being able to have a good conversation is really important to me in a relationship. I think part of the communication issue is that he does not take responsibility for his actions, and I take responsibility for my actions, and everyone else’s. So when me and my husband engage in conversation, I end up taking responsibility, and after a while, it gets draining. .
I wish we could talk about this very issue as husband and wife. The problem is, my husband isn’t the type who will really hear this type of thing. When I tell him I want to start communicating better, he gets defensive and starts listing my faults. For some reason, he cannot have a conversation with me about anything personal that doesn’t include blaming me for something. It’s like some weird defense mechanism. And really, I don’t want to force him to change, but at the same time I know I can’t stay like this, because I can’t be ME in this type of environment.