Men Visitors

It is important to me that if you are a man visiting this site to read my message to you below.

There are a couple of things I want you to be aware of concerning this site. The first is that this is not a men-bashing site. This is a healing site primarily for women (but men are welcome to come). You might perceive it as a men-bashing site at first glance, but I encourage you to read the content. What you will find is women all over the world coming together to help support and encourage each other through their pain. Again, this has nothing to do with men bashing, and everything to do with helping wives not to feel so alone after an affair has entered the foundation of a home.

The second thing I want you to be aware of is that I am totally in tune with the fact that women cheat. I have interacted with many men who have been just as devastated as the women on the site. Although most of the stories on my site are about men cheating, it absolutely goes both ways. I am also aware that for every man that cheats, there is a woman that is willing. I get it. The reason this site focuses on a cheating husband because that just happens to be my personal experience. If you are a man reading this and decide to create a site to help other men, I would absolutely encourage you do so.

The third thing is that I am very fortunate to have some incredible men come into my presence. Men that I have met and shared the site with, and have nothing but kind and inspiring words for me to continue my work. I am grateful for those men in my life, you know who you are, and I thank all of you. Whenever a woman comes to the site and asks ‘are there any good men out there?’ I think of my friends and can confidently say YES!

I have had the pleasure of interacting with many men on the topic of cheating. I have talked to men that are thinking about cheating, men that have cheated, and men that have been cheated on. Most men that have cheated come to the site and have no idea that their wives are so impacted by infidelity. We all can learn something about this experience
Last but not least, my husband and I are divorced, and we get along, there is no drama between us. I do not blame him for the demise of the marriage, for that, we are both at fault. Some of my actions in the marriage caused my ex-husband a great deal of pain, I am aware that some of my actions hurt the marriage. At the same time, I do not accept responsibility for his act of cheating, that act is his to own. I do not define my ex-husband by his act of cheating, I define him by his ability to mature, his ability to be a great father to our kids, and his ability to grow and learn from his mistakes. I wish him well as he has his own life journey to experience. He understands as I have told him that this site is not about him, it is about helping a cause bigger than both of us, which is the silent epidemic of cheating that is wrecking havoc on families all over the world.

20 thoughts on “Men Visitors”

  1. I have been searching for a site that would help me deal with the pain and “alone-ness” I’m feeling after my husband’s infidelity and deceit. I finally found it. Thank you.

  2. Thank you for this website. I have been reading through some of it and I can definetely relate to many of you. I will be writing about my experience in my next post.

  3. My wife has done the same thing that I read in all those other comments. The lies, the deceit and most of all the complete loss of trust. We had agreed for me to stay home from my job so that our kids had a parent instead of a daycare raising our children. It seems that she insisted on this because soon after she started cheating on me. Allowed her to “work late” or “checkout” from the family life.

    1. Jeremy,

      I am sorry to hear about this. It is so intensely frustrating to make such a big sacrifice for the family, and find out that sacrifice was being used for cheating. I remember my ex-husband had his work schedule arranged to accommodate cheating and make life more stressful on me. Pretty selfish. If you both decide to work on the marriage, it takes time and a great deal of effort, and SHE has to be willing to lead it, she has to show you she is serious, and put as much effort as she did to cheat as she did in saving the marriage, if that is the route you want to take. Overall, I wish the best for you and your family.

      **Thanks Patty and Colleen for your support!

  4. Thank you for your kind words. I see that you have written that she must be the leader for us to move ahead. What happens if she doesn’t seem interested, not wanting to share information or what actually happened?? She wants to put her head in the sand and pretend that nothing happened. I don’t think that is fair because there is not a day, an hour that goes by where I don’t think about or get upset. I find myself crying at times for no reason. Does it get better on my end as time passes by?? Extremely heartbroken and lost.

    1. Hi Jeremy,

      How long ago did this happen? The first few months are typically filled with extreme emotion, to the point where it is often hard to make good progress. She is doing exactly what my ex-husband did. He did not want to face it, did not want to talk about it or share details. Just wanted to move on. And you know what, at the end of the day, I could not force the info out of him, just as you can not force the info out of her. After a few weeks, he was a little better, but still wouldn’t share much and I was still going crazy trying to figure out if he was still cheating.

      It got so bad I was starting to have health problems, couldn’t sleep, always thinking about it. But then, I started to realize something. ‘Life’ lead me to find out about the affair, without extreme thinking or effort, I found out. And ‘life’ will lead me to know if my partner is still cheating. I gave up pulling everything out. I had a conversation with my husband (this was about 2 months after I found out, still trying to figure out what was going on). I told him I am going to stop bringing it up and pulling info out. But I told him if I get any indication at any time that it’s not over or that he is cheating again, it’s over. I gave it up and literally asked the universe to show me through life what I should do next. I got my answer within a week.

      Your situation might turn out completely different, typically when people do not want to share about the affair, it is because they are embarrassed and do not want to share more light on their mistake, or they are still cheating. And all the stress in the world isn’t going to give you the answer in knowing.

      If she is not wanting to give info, lay low for a little bit. If you told her she needs help drive recovery effort, then she knows. Watch and observe for a couple of days, and trust that life is going to show you exactly what you need to do exactly when you need to know (don’t rush the process). Does it get better with time? Yes, as long as you do not try to force an outcome and try to learn and grow from the experience, which I have total faith that you will. Take a deep breath and try to smile today.

  5. I wanted to share a story about overcoming selfishness. I am a man. I have never cheated on my wife. I figure people need some perspective.

    In an attempt to be concise, here goes:

    A lot of things drew me to my wife, probably most strongly her passion and drive to do big things in career and in industry. However, over the years, all of it faded. Every work environment drove her to greater and greater anxiety and defeat. So, after moving away from all of my friends and family to be with her, I progressively worked harder and harder to enable her to work less and less. For ten years I worked 80-100 hours a week to build a life where she never had to work.

    And things only got worse. She became more angry, more suspicious, more prosecutorial. I never developed friends. I never went out to after work functions. I never (and still haven’t) opened a Facebook account. I’ve worked in the fitness industry with some of the most attractive (inside and out) women. And I never touched one, ever. My wife has baselessly accused me for years of cheating. And, frankly, I never even cared to daydream about possibilities. But it has been on her mind like a poison every day and night for a decade.

    I supported her through the pregnancy, and after. When coming to this site I was appalled at hearing about all of the cheating stories during pregnancy. The reality is that most men aren’t even good at sex or have the type of drive I have; so what the hell are they complaining about. I’m actually really good, in incredible shape, with really good prospects, with the sex drive of a 17 year old; and I still never played with the idea during my wife’s pregnancy. What the hell?!

    Anyway, we had our son. My working volume went up. Then I made a very stressful series of transitions to be home more and make a lot more money. Life should be great. And, in many ways it is, except it isn’t.

    I pay attention to her. I’m home more often. I make a lot of money. I spend a lot of time with our son. I’ve helped her get back into the fun of working part time as she chooses, paying for three days a week of day care. I have given her everything she ever asked for and then some. I have nearly killed myself in the process. I have given up everything that I could. She goes out with friends, is close to her family. We live by her parents in the state of her choosing.

    So what I’m getting at is, I have more opportunity than almost any guy out there. I have more excuses than any guy out there. I’m better at sex than almost everyone out there, and in better shape. And I still don’t cheat. You make a commitment or you don’t. That’s all there is to it.

    I have to work with my wife through whatever her mental and emotional issues are; because, if I had them, I’d hope she would help me with mine, although realistically she never could nor probably would. And I guess that’s the rub. People are inherently unhappy, no matter how good or great things are. No matter how much fidelity and support and sacrifice I give to my wife, she isn’t likely to be able to begin to reciprocate. That isn’t a cause for cheating.

    If you want out, then have that conversation. It may be where I get one day. But cheating… Cheating is never going to be the answer. Stay the course or end things cleanly. Do not pay lip service to the course when it’s seemingly hopeless and your actions are the exact opposite.

    I hope for healing for many of you out there; and pray that one day I can have the woman I married returned to me. But if she doesn’t, know that I still haven’t cheated. Know that if she cheated, it still would give me no license for the many opportunities out there. I want us both there for our son; but I fear it may only be me, and I still don’t think I should run off.

    Your word is your bond, even when your wife hasn’t kept hers. Do not fold.

    1. Hi Troddenman,

      Thanks, I can tell that you are truly a real man, and trust me, I do not use that term loosely, at all. Your comment is powerful in many ways. What you are saying is that once you made the commitment, that is what you stand for. And even though your wife may not be as ‘happy’ or as ‘fun’ as others you may interact with, you are not going to cheat, because you made the commitment to your wife. And if you find over time that is it unbearable, then you will be a real man and talk to her about it, which is what we all want as women versus taking the cheating route. There were so many times in my head that I thought to myself ‘Why didn’t my husband respect me enough to tell me he wanted out?’ Although I would have been upset, I would have been much better off mentally.

      Many cheaters have used ‘my partner has changed’ to cheat. The more stories I see, the more I realize that it’s the type of person going into the marriage that makes all the difference. You can use any excuse to cheat, if you think in your mind there are circumstances that make it ok to do so. A real man understands that there is no circumstance that makes it ok, because the minute you think that there is a circumstance that makes it ok, that circumstance will present itself to you.

      Anyways, thank you for posting. Thank you for showing the people that visit that there are real men out there that understand the true meaning of commitment. Thank you for supporting your wife. I know that you feel that your wife is not giving you the type of response expected after all the sacrifices you have made to make life easier on her, but know that your actions and your honor to the commitment of marriage is not unnoticed. I wish the best for you and your family.

  6. Monsieur-Monroe

    I really wish there was a website like this for men. If there is I haven’t found it yet. And so this is for the men who came here looking for something, anything to make sense of what will likely be one of the roughest patches of your life

    I put my ex-wife up on a pedestal and when I found out from an errant text that she had been cheating on me with a coworker for several weeks I was devastated. I tried to get us to go to counseling without revealing I knew, but when she started disappearing for days at time without answering my phone calls I decided to stand up for myself. When I told her I knew, she wasn’t looking for reconciliation and even decided that it was as good a time as any to tell me that she wanted a divorce. There was no remorse or any kind of apology. She had the nerve to ask to live with me until she made enough money to strike out on her own, all the while she would be with her boyfriend. Needless to say her things were on the front porch the next morning and the keys to the brand new car I bought for her were nowhere to be found. Other than a meeting with a lawyer who handled our uncontested divorce, I haven’t spoken to her since.

    It is a long and horrible road, but it doesn’t go on forever. The hurt is dulled with time and you start to see a future that isn’t so hopeless.

    You are not alone. We are out here, with you in spirit. We are cheering you on because we have been where you have been and we know the strength it takes to make it through and come out of this a better person.

    You are strong. You can do this.

  7. I have recently found out that my wife and partner for the last 10 years fell in love with another man that she did not even meet. This all started in March. This July she flew 1600 miles to hookup with him while telling me another story. i found out about it and she tells me she is in love with him. That killed me. I know I have not been the perfect husband but yet not even close to a bad one. Now we are getting a divorce and it hurts, but what hurts the must is: she will txt him next to me and tell him she loves him, she runs out of the house everytime he calls, she has been doing this for 2 months now and refuses to leave. i can’t do this anymore. I dont have any strength left.

    1. Hi John,

      Your wife is pretty blatant about this person she has fell for. And I do not think anyone in this world can handle the person you love texting another person in front of you or running to catch a call like you state. Is it possible for either one of you to leave? Maybe if not sleep in separate beds? It’s not fair to you to sit and watch her do this. Or maybe a conversation is in order that says while we are still living together, communication with the other guy needs to be when you are not around. You have a right to say that. From what you said she fell in love with him before she even met him. Sounds to me like she has a case of ‘fantasy’. It’s where she is caught up in whatever this person is telling her, and she thinks that the grass is greener, unfortunately it happens all the time. And by the time she realizes most of the relationship is fantasy, it will be too late, you will already be divorced and working on moving on.

      Make sure you stay true to yourself, you know you are a good husband. You did nothing wrong, she choose to emotionally become attached to someone else. It can happen to anyone. You will never be the same man again, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. You CAN do this, and you deserve to have a say in the living arrangements of the house you BOTH live in.

  8. Jewel,
    Thanks for your words. it does help a bit. Further information I found out this week is that she has been with 4 guys since we have been married and one of them was while she was 4 months pregnant with our daughter. She will be leaving in 11 days and I never thought I would ever fell this way but I really don’t think I have any love for her left.
    In addition she has already started another facebook sexual pic exchange with another man even before she has moved in with her new BF in Texas. This guy is the reason good men get bad names. He new she and I were married and he didn’t care….errrrr!

    Again, Thank you so much for listening and allowing me to “vent”.

    1. You’re welcome! Looks like you ‘had’ a serial cheater. Once she is gone, you will be able to mentally start your own process of understanding and healing. In due time, you will have an opportunity to try your chance at love again. There are women that want what you want out of a relationship. And you will approach your next relationship different, which is ok. The key is to not let her prevent you from ever opening up again, she is not worth it, no cheater is.

  9. I just want to offer some input from the perspective of the one who committed the affair. My wife and I were married for exactly five years. We had two beautiful kids together. I grew apart from wife, and I am not sure really how I allowed myself to become so separated from the woman that I promised to love. The only thing I keep coming back to was that I was so self centered that I was only concerned about myself and how I felt and what would make me happy. I persued this young (I was nearing my 30th birthday, and she was 18) woman at work. I was nurse in a long term care facility and she was an engaged CNA. Not only did our affair destroy my marriage but I also caused her to cheat on her fiance. I moved out for about a month with this girl, leaving my wife and kids at home with no financial security or husband and father figure in site. This was three years ago. I just recently told my wife about an event that happened right here in our own backyard after she was tormented with it for the last three years. My wife would love to stay with me. She wants so bad to be able to love me again, but what I did to her as broke her as a person. She will never look at me, herself or our marriage the same again. If I can offer one piece of advice post affair is that you need to come clean from the start of recovery, no matter how dirty your deed is, she or he needs to know the truth. The torment of always wondering and not knowing everything will destroy a person from the inside like a cancer. I do love my wife with all my heart, and many including her will ask, “then how could I do such a thing?” The only answer that I can give that may or may not make sense is that for me the affair wasn’t about a dislike for my wife, it was about a selfish mindset that wanted to pursue things that made me feel good and special. At the time I was thinking about what I was truly doing to my wife or how she truly felt through all this. Let me tell you we are still together by some miracle, but our marriage is held together by duct tape. She only stays to the convenience and companionship at this point. I know that deep down she still loves me and wants so bad for things to be the way they were but the reality is they will never be the same. The only future we have is a new future where the pain she’s living with will always be with her. I could write a book on how my affair broke the most perfect woman, but all I can say is if you ever, ever find yourself even comtemplating starting up a relationship, even if it’s not physical, outside of your marriage, please let me tell you from experience it will ultimately destroy you, your spouse and your kids if you have any. Even couples that stay together are damaged from what one spouse did to another. If it’s too late and you’ve already broke your marriage vows, you need to spend every ounce of energy you have to show him or her that you understand what you have done and that you are truly sorry for the pain you have caused.

    1. Thanks Josh for taking the time to share your advice. I understand exactly what you mean by your intentions of cheating and how it had more to do with you than your wife. But I only know this because of this website. I also remember when my ex-husband saw this website he had no clue how much he hurt me. Most men don’t. But you do. I hope your wife is able to heal from this overtime. She may need some individual counseling at one point to uncover some of her subconscious confidence/self-esteem issues that might of been opened up during the time of the affair.

  10. Wow, Josh’s post was great. While my husband has been pretty great at trying to make things work I have never felt that he has come clean about everything and it is always between us. I understand that he is afraid and also feels it will only hurt me again (and it will) but I need to know to have all the questions in my mind answered to put it to rest. It’s just the way I am. How can I get him to trust enough to come clean? I have suggested he write it down so he doesn’t have to look me in the eye if that is too hard but he just insists that there is nothing more to tell but my heart knows it is a lie

  11. I just want to comment on your site. Thank you, it is very informative without being cruel, I appreciate that. My story is very long 26 years of marriage to be exact and many years of cheating has finally taken its final toll, I believe. My husband and I never had kids so that has never been a reason for me to stay, I have stayed because despite of all the heart ache, of his cheating, and just lying in general about just about everything he has also been my best friend. We get things done together, we have had a successful construction business, built a beautiful home, and moved 29 times, 7 states, and 12 times across the USA, we have had great fun, lots of good times, many very sad ones as well. During our marriage I was very, very sick two times. One of those illnesses I was not sure I was ever going to get better from, my husband supported me, and that I very much appreciated. My husband is a strikingly handsome man, which has always brought him constant attention from the ladies. I consider myself average looking, but above average in giving affection, and caring for the every need, and desire of the one I love, and am with. When I took my vows 26 years ago I really did feel that I was ready as I had sowed my wild oats for many years and knew all I wanted was one kind person I could love and trust in my life. My husband has had roving eyes even before we were married, many warning signs I should have taken more notice of. We both are at fault for the demise of our marriage, I turned a blind eye for many years, and turned to wine to block out what I knew was happening especially on Class Mates, and then Face Book. Very quickly he had over 400 friends mostly all of them women, many of them women who had crushes on him in high school. Long story short I needed to use his lap top one night while he was out of town at his high school reunion no less, and what I found accidentally in 2006 blew me out of my once somewhat happy world. He had run up a 6000.00 credit card bill on cam room sites, had very personal emails to many women, was a member of 3 chat rooms listed as single, and on Face Book he was listed as single. My world as I knew it was over in 7 hours. I confronted him he promised to stop but never did. Fast forward to 2010 my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer in another state and I stopped a life long addiction to alcohol, our house sold and we moved again across the country. I went home to care for my dying mother and fell into the loving, trusting arms of a very old friend, I felt truly loved for the first time in my life. Meanwhile my husband continued to carry on as usual, and at this point I just did not give a poop any more. After being separated for three years as I just didn’t feel like coming home to my old life my husband realizing that all of his years of cheating, and blowing through a huge chunk of my inheritance $100,000.00 had not made him happy and he missed me…for me it was just too late. He wants the marriage to go on, I am in love with another man and I have been totally honest with him about my feelings. Leaving my husband will mean I will need to work to support myself, I will need to share what is left of my inheritance with him to start over as I could never do anything mean, and leave him penniless, even though everyone who knows what happened says I should not share anything with him and I should ask for support from him. Even after all of this I came home, and I am going to marriage counceling so we can legally separate peacefully, and hopefully still be friends. If my old friend was not in the picture I would just stay with my husband and live like brother and sister even thought sex is just awful now. I don’t think there is ever an easy answer where the human heart is concerned, my husband and I both deserve to be happy, and comfortable in this life, my husband is heart broken about our marriage ending and can’t understand why I just can’t forgive him like I have done so many times before. Maybe it is because I am sober now, and with the death of my mom I realize how short life really is and can no longer live like I did for so long. If I had one word of advice it would be to try to remember what made you love the person in the first place, to remember the good times, try to stay friends if you can. To leave the marriage without just running out the door with so many hurts not faced and worked through. And most of all be able to take responsibility for your part in the break down of the marriage in the first place. Peace to all of us, and may we trust the Universe to show us a more loving way to live.

    1. MysticTraveler,

      Thanks for sharing your story. First I am sorry to hear about your mother passing, may she rest in peace.

      I think that when a person cheats over a long period of time, and the other spouse stays, there is this feeling that one can continue cheating forever and nothing changes. I’m sure your husband was probably very heartbroken to hear that you are ending the marriage, but you are sharing the truth with him, and he hopefully will one day look over the marriage and see how his actions played a part. There is always a risk in cheating, and that risk is that you might lose your spouse, many do not cheat with the intention of divorcing their spouse, like your husband.

      I know you found someone that you love during your time away caring for your mother. I am glad that you have been truthful with your husband and that you are ending the marriage. And it seems to be civil because you want the best for your husband, despite the affairs and down periods overall you had a great life married to him.

      Great advice in sharing to take responsibility in your part of the breakdown of the marriage. All parties involved can learn and grow from this experience.

  12. I cheated on my wife, I’m not proud of that fact. As a matter of fact I hate myself for doing what I did. I know how much it has hurt my wife, And how every day brings more questions, and more hurt. I wished every day I could turn back the hands of time. I would truly not make the choices I made. reading your site has had a profound impact on how I now know some of the emotions she has on a daily basis. My wife is a kind caring person. She is the mother, Who every child would love to have. And a wife every man wishes he had. I know how difficult I have made life for her. And I truly know how my life has changed. I find at times that She is very strong, and brave to stay with me. I also realize how fortunate I am to still have her in my life, At least for now. I can’t undo all the wrong, But I can try my hardest to be the person she married. I also know that the trust she once had in me is now gone, and will probably never return, Again my poor judgement. I lied to her, and threw all the trust she had in me down the drain. I now live with the pain of knowing that I cheated, And lied to my best friend. I can never begin to ask her for trust, Or believe most of the things I tell her. I do know now how much I love her, And want to be in her life. This comes from the heart. I know I broke hers. If any men are reading this, Then they too have cheated, or lied to their spouse. A word to the wise, It’s not worth it…. Don’t be the person who is reading or writing this. You will cause yourself, And your spouse more Heartache than you can ever imagine. no Affair is worth scaring your wife for life.

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