When a husband cheats on you - the shock

When a husband cheats on you – the shock

When you are faced with a husband that cheats on you, it is utterly shocking. You see other people faced with infidelity, but you think that happens in ‘other people’s’ marriages’. It is hard to imagine your husband cheating until it occurs.  Personally, I thought my husband would never cheat on me.  But I guess this is why people say never say never. Now my future family goals and dreams are on the line, and I have no idea what I am going to do.

 

 

19 thoughts on “When a husband cheats on you – the shock”

  1. I never thought my husband would have an affair, I was literally shocked and do hurt. Somedays I wonder if I’ll ever get over it.

  2. We’ve been married 35 years and I remember thinking as I listened to my husbands oldest daughter cry about the affair her husband had had on her. I thought I’m so thankful because that’s at least one thing I know I’ll never have to go through…well it wasn’t 3 months later I found out that he had cheated on and off throughout our entire married life…I was completely in shock and am just now starting to come out of it…now I’m angry and dont know how to go on…of course he wants our marriage to work and I do believe he loves me…he wanted his cake and eat it to so to speak…How do I go on and how can I ever be sexually intimate with him again… all I see are the images of him with another woman…I really did believe in the fairytale ending…oh well thanks for listening everyone that knows what I’m going through..

    1. Hi tootles 🙂

      Sorry to hear about your situation, to hear that your husband cheated throughout the entire marriage is heartbreaking, I wish I could say it is not normal, but many women have contacted me with the same story of finding out years later that there was infidelity throughout the marriage. You ask about the sexual intimacy and the images of the ‘ow’, I struggled with that as well. If you are able to go to therapy, even if it is a couple of sessions, do it, the mental images can easily get you into depression if you are not careful, get professional help because the information you learned about your husband’s infidelity throughout the marriage is mentally traumatizing, to say the least. Virtual hugs to you, take care of yourself, I wish you well.

  3. Just found out that my husband of 15 years has been cheating on me through the whole marriage….he was home with me every night and every weekend….but screwing around while I was at work…..There will be NO forgiveness….I can NEVER trust him again..he’s history…

    1. Hi Maura,

      Good for you, it seems like you have a strong sense of self and already have a plan to leave, which is good considering you just found out. Take care of yourself.

  4. My husband and I have been together about 9 yrs. we have been through a lot of bad experiences together. But I never in a million years thought he would cheat on me. Today is Tuesday, and this past Friday he came home and we had a calm, civil conversation about how we’re not happy together, and we’ve been through so many horrible things (divorce, custody fights, mother in law from hell, abuse, a suicide attempt and that’s just off the top of my head!) and theres just to much anger to ever be happy together. So we decided that at the end of the month we will both move to separate homes. I was fine with all that and so was he. We’ve been needing to admit that for a while. So I took our children to my mothers for the weekend. When we came home on Sunday, I immediately knew that a woman had been in my house and stayed the night. I found several items that proved it. I am so livid about this! It was the very next night, in my home, and he tried to lie about it. I don’t know what to do about this anger! I Kmean I was fine we decided to split up. I’m pretty sure I’m not jealous, but I feel so disrespected! I read some of yalls entries, and I see so many women in much harder scenarios, married long times, etc… And I wonder, should I even care about this? He won’t tell me who it is either. She obviously knows who I am. There’s pictures of me and our kids everywhere. What should I do? And I’ve tried talking to him. But I think hes enjoying watching me squirm because he thinks I’m jealous. I just don’t want to have egg on my face, I could be have a conversation with her and not even know it!

    1. I Katfalt, it is so frustrating because you feel she has the upper hand because she knows about you and you don’t know about her. And after all you have been through, it’s almost like he is ‘protecting’ her! I know how you feel because that is how I felt when my ex-husband would not tell me anything (the woman was in my house as well).

      BUT the truth is, you guys are already on your way toward divorce. He is afraid you are going to reach out and tell her who he really is, because they are probably in this fantasy world and he doesn’t want you to interfere. Yes it is disrespectful in my opinion to have another woman in the house, especially you only left for a weekend. BUT instead of using that energy to get angry and start questioning everything (because you will be frustrated with when you end up), use that energy to validate and feel confident that you decided to end it. Feel good that you are working toward not being in a relationship with someone that could be disrespectful in this manner. Just use it to keep moving forward. And don’t ask him anything from this point forward – act like he is an afterthought….and he will be surprised, probably will suspect you have a new person in your life, and watch his squirm. Nen get nervous when you don’t give them any attention. You need to do this anyway for yourself so you can focus on getting you and the kids together for the next phase of your life.

  5. Hi Everyone, It’s been since last Oct. 29th that I shared here…After 35 years of marriage, 5 children, 10 grandchildren…I find I’m married to a man with 2 identities. I always knew something was wrong but could never put my finger on it. He finally told me that he had been unfaithful all our married life and I’ve been reeling from it since. I guess at my age I don’t really know how to leave and start over. I hate to rip our family apart, kids and grandkids…But I don’t know if I can go on either, I feel pretty good and then get blindsided with anger…any thoughts or comments…I would love to be happy again…thanks, tootles

    1. Hi Tootles102, what is the state of the marriage? Are you married but not really engaging with each other? Also do you have kids that live at home?

      It is an interesting choice of words that you use “I don’t want to rip the family apart’. So your husband made the choice to cheat all these years, and you are taking the burden of his actions and putting them on yourself in so that you will not ‘rip the family apart’. Part of why I think you feel the way you do is because you are taking on a burden that you are not suppose to. His actions are not your burden, it is not your job to be miserable because of his actions. You are loving, and your family is going to love you no matter what, they won’t say ‘why did she rip the family apart’ they will look at what he did to cause it.

      The most important thing that comes out of what you wrote that I think can be helpful is that I think it would benefit you to do some research into how life would look like for you if you did leave. I sense a large fear within you and the best way to tackle fear is with knowledge, do some research on starting over, do some research on living alone. I am not suggesting you leave, but just empower yourself with the knowledge to make the decision. You are not as stuck as you think, and once you equip yourself with enough knowledge to know what options your have, you will start to feel better. I wish you well in your journey.

  6. OMGosh Jewels…I have been carrying this on my shoulders and didn’t even realize it…how freeing to hear you say it…Our kids are raised and we have 10 grandchildren. I have always been a main stay in their lives and your right they would love me anyway…How can you get so lost in wrong thinking…His cheating seems to have caused the door to be open for me to want more, I had never even dreamed about it before in 35 years…I was true blue…I really want to kick up my heals a little now. I’m 57 years young and I want a life so to speak…Thank you for your freeing words!!!

  7. Hi ladies

    I have just found this site and want to share and hopefully some advice.

    I found out in march 13 that my fiance (since christmas day. Been together for 4 years). Had cheated on me he says he only flirted with her but I know they slept together as I saw a txt on his phone.

    Any way he says its me he loves and wants to be with and I love him so much it scares me just the thought of him not in my life. So I choose to stay and forgive and forget but its not easy.

    Im sure that he is still texting someone as he is very secretive and protective of his phone.

    We still have a sex life but I cant help but feel that he is thinking of someone else. Sorry if this is too much. But he always used to like me giving him a blow job but either he stops me now or he is asking for deep throat I have never done deep throat in the 4 yrs we have been together and now all of a sudden that what he wants so I can not help but feel like he is thinking of someone else while we are having sex.

    When I found out about the affair I was questioning the way I look my personality everything about me I dont like specially my body I cant help but look in the mirror and see a fat person looking back now I know I shouldn’t as im only a size 8/10 but I cant help to think what the other girl/s look like are they prettier sexier Skinner then me is that what he wants.

    When he plays on the xbox which is most nights he is txting somone all the time.

    Im going crazy I want us to be happy and together I really dont want to lose him but I need to forget everything i want to be happy again with my body the way I look I dont feel confident or sexy anymore I just loom in the mirror and think ugly and fat.

    How do I getback to been me having the confidence I had and forgetting about the affair I still feel so much hurt inside and I cant switch it I am even on sleeping tablets as I’m not sleeping because im up thinking about it.

    I just want to be me again.

  8. Hails, I am sorry that you are going through this. Even though you are not yet married it is still very painful to experience betrayal of this nature. It is awful to now question yourself, and lose any self-esteem. You dont deserve this. Don’t settle for this. I am going to be very blunt and hope that you do not take offense.
    DUMP HIM NOW! This is not the way to start whet is suppose to be a committed relationship. Heard of looking out for red flags…..you’ve been given one in a big way. You have a chance at happiness but you wont find it with someone like him. Don’t convince yourself that you’ve invested too much time in the relationship, don’t convince yourself that there is no one else out there, don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed. Give yourself a gift…….freedom from this guy.
    Good luck to you.

    with someone like him.
    Don’t convince yourself that you’ve invested too much onto the relationship already, don’t convince yourself that there is no one rode out there (because
    there is

    1. Hi Hails,

      Based on what you wrote, you feel he is still doing something, and you have a right to feel that way. You saw a text that validated cheating, yet he denies it? So he never admitted to more than just flirting? And he is still being secretive with his phone? Yes, it makes perfect sense why you feel the way you do. He appears to think that this is ok, and clearly it is not ok with you.

      I will tell you a secret, I have interacted with thousands of women in this situation and I know this much is true – Men often times do not cheat because of looks, that is a societal perception that is not true. Men will cheat with any women that is willing – that is the only criteria. The way you feel about yourself is your responsibly to own. Meaning your self-worth needs to come from you – cheating fiancé or no cheating fiancé. You can depend on him not cheating to validate your beauty. Putting that in the hands of someone else will always lead to disappointment.
      I know you say you don’t want to lose him, but your role as the finance is not to work hard to keep him or not lose him, he has to do that for himself, you can not make him. How far away is the wedding?

      Him asking you to do new things in bed, not cool at all. All of his actions are not cool, he is doing exactly what you should not to when you are trying to repair the relationship after the affair. After you found out, have you done anything different or does he have all the same luxuries of being your finance that he had before? Seems like you are miserable and he is cool, playing games like everything is ok. Again, not cool. How far away is the wedding? You have some things to decide, the first being, can you really be happy with him? You get back to you by focusing on you, and not allowing anyone to disrespect you, even the man you plan to marry. I wish you well!

  9. Hi jewels and chelsie

    Thanks for ur advice.

    The wedding we are planning on sept next yr but nothing is booked or paid for.

    I agree with jewlels that I need to look at myself and need to feel good about myself first I just need to switch my head of I cant stop thinking and now its making me paranoid and depressed I think I need to sort myself and my head out before making any decisions just wish I knew where to start I know I need to start with me but how? …….. think positive thoughts more? Do this actually work.

    1. Hails, you start one emotion at a time, just one. And yes affirmations work, if done consistently. With you, I would say to yourself everyday, ‘I deserve to be treated with respect and love, everyday.’. That’s is, say is several times a day, but do it everyday. Do that, and pick 1 negative emotion that you are thinking, just 1, and work on that for the next few weeks. Keep it simply so you do not get too overwhelmed.

  10. Hi jewels

    Thanks for all your advice I will do this its hard to think of something positive when I have so many negative thoughts at the moment I will try this.

    I also will tell him how this has made me feel as ive just closed in on my self and blocked him out of the emotions that im feeling.

    Thanks for all your help

  11. Hi everyone I’m Sam I’m in a relationship that I can’t understand myself I’m with a man who is selfish an just thoughtless and doesn’t consider my feelings at all he’s cheated multiple times but I’m so forgiving I believe he will never do it again he hurts my heart but I care for him so much I just want to be by his side I’ve been with him four yrs an I just can’t picture life without him I know I should leave but I’ve tried and emotionally and physically I end up sick I left him for months an still threw up everyday an now he’s received a large settlement an has forgotten me I’m literally home all the time I lost my job because he went to the mall with the car and at the last minute called me an told he wouldn’t make it back on time so I did not have a chance to get another ride an it is not the first time he’s done it I’m left in a predicament that I’m in love with someone who does not know what love is he says sorry all the time but yet still spends all day out an does not answer the phone all I do is cry all day hoping he think of me an come home to me I’m at lost on what to do

    1. Hi Sam,

      It seems like you are with a man that doesn’t treat you well because you do not treat yourself well. Your self-esteem is attached to him for whatever reason and it is not safe to put that much dependence on another person, they are bound to disappoint you. Every feeling that comes to mind with him, turn that back towards yourself. You have to get to the point where you don’t need his validation to love yourself. And once you get to that point, where you love yourself outside of him, everything will turn around for you. Focus on YOU, and feeling better about YOU, that is where you start. Take care!

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