Should I Stay or Leave My Cheating Husband??

When your husband has an affair, you are left with a major decision: Should I stay or leave?

Despite what it sounds like, this is not a black and white decision. It involves many different variables, and sometimes I feel I think about those variables way too much. Although I decided to leave, that doesn’t mean that sometimes I think about how divorce will impact my children and ask myself, “Am I making the right move?”

I know I cannot be happy with my cheating husband anymore. There have been too many lies, too much infidelity, and too much betrayal. I can’t go back. Sometimes, I think that maybe I can just pretend like it never happened and just raise my kids. But then I wonder what that would teach them, especially because they won’t ever see mommy really happy. If I stay in a miserable marriage, am I teaching them that being married is more important than being happy? If I leave, am I teaching them that when things get rough, you should just up and leave?

This is SOOOO tough! It’s the most painful and heartbreaking experience I have been though.

68 thoughts on “Should I Stay or Leave My Cheating Husband??”

  1. My husband and I have filed for divorce after he has had his second affair that I am aware of. I found he had been texting one before this one that I caught him with. He travels for a living, so I am sure there are more. Very heartbreaking, as we had many happy years and we were a close family. I have 2 boys, 12 and 9 years old, who are having a difficult time,especially the 12 year old. We have been together 23 years and married for 17 years. I am believing him to be a sexual sociopath, as he seems to not have any remorse. Both of these women have been married. His first affair was 2 years and this second one was 9 months. Makes me feel like a failure. Any advice out there?

    1. Hello Carol,

      You are not a failure, he cheated, you did nothing but be a devoted wife. Your husband is not remorseful, mine was not either, I think they put up this front because of pride because at the end of the day, yy husband eventually came around a little bit (meaning showed a LITTLE remorse), but at times he still says ‘I left the marriage, this is your fault, ect.ect.’….whatever. I realize that I will not put my self esteem in his hands anymore, because he will disappoint me. I know it’s tough for the kids. But realize they are watching you and they are learning many great lessons in strength from you. At this time, you can just teach them that life always changes, and nothing is constant. Teach them that their self worth and how they feel about themselves is the most important thing they should focus on, because everything else around them is subject to change. What a wonderful lesson to teach them so early in life. They will live much happier lives and trust me when they get older, they will understand and have alot of respect for you standing up for yourself, even though they might not understand now. As far as you, you have given them a good life, and just because you and your husband are not together, you will still continue to give them a good life. Best of luck to you.

  2. I found out about a month ago that my husband has been having an affair for two years (this one started when i was 5months pregnant with our second child). I have been so torn between staying and going. We currently are living separate, but spend all of out time together. When it first happened he said he was telling me the truth and not lying, but it seems like every time i ask about the affair he changes the “facts” and today he finally admitted to being physical (previously he said it was all online and then to they just met once, etc). I want to be with him, but don’t want to damage my kids.
    Our 5yr old knows that her father is cheating, had a girlfriend, and continues to lie to me. And despite all of that she still asks me take him back, she wants us to be together again and a family. I would love for that to happen, but cant even see how that will work. I am seeing a therapist to work on myself and working on regaining control of my own life, but still want that fairytale marriage/life. I want the 30 something, 50 something wedding anniversary and i want our daughter (and when he’s old enough, our son) to feel that together we made the best team to raise them (which we have been told from day one – we make an awesome team when it comes to parenting our kids, we work well off each other). Is it possible to teach them the right things to do if you don’t do them yourself? My parents did that to me all my life (bad examples through money, marriage, and responsibility) and yet i did learn through them that what they did was wrong and work very hard not to make their mistakes.
    When it comes to spending time with my husband, i love it. Nothing makes me happier and i feel so guilty for that. I have not forgiven him and don’t see that as an option, but have learned from experience that accepting him for who he is only allows him to be bolder and take more risks when it comes to affairs. And to top it off, when we are together he is always saying how he loves me and wont do this again (he too is seeing a therapist, but he isn’t telling her the truth).
    Everyone keeps telling me to do what i feel is right, but i don’t feel like they will support the decision i make if its not theirs. What do i do when my heart says it right to stay and my mind says it right to leave?

    1. Hello Jamie,

      Tough question, What do i do when my heart says it right to stay and my mind says it right to leave? But the question that we all go through. You mention that you love spending time with your husband, and if you still feel that way, even after the affair, good sign. You are both seeing therapist, which is good. I guess the question is how do you feel about he effort in marriage recovery. Do you feel that their has been progress made in rebuilding trust. Has he lied to you since finding out? These things are very critical in if you stay or leave a marriage. You mention your 5 year old knows, which is very interesting. I have a 5 year old, I decided to leave, and she wants us together. I think that no matter what your daughter knows, she is probably too young to understand the depth of cheating. All she is focused on is I want mommy and daddy to be together, that’s it. No matter what they know, it will probably always be that way.

      Two more things, I know you want the fairytale, we all do, but after your husband has cheated, just realize that your marriage will never be the same. And you will never be the same as well. I say that because I don’t want you to shoot for that magical marriage that you had before. You marriage can end up better than it was prior, but it will never be the same, and if you try to reach back to that place, it will be disappointing. Instead, try to reach for a new place that you and your husband can establish. Eventually, one of your thoughts (towards staying or leaving ) will dominate.

      Lastly, you mention that you ‘they’ will not support you if the decision you make is not ‘their’ choice. Well the good news is it is not ‘their’ life, and just as I am telling you my opinion based on what you told me, so if life. Meaning they can choose to not support you, but if they are your friends, you don’t need such friends, and if they are your family, yes they are opinionated, and they may not like your decision, but at the end of the day, if you really seriously are down and out, I am sure someone will step in and giving you the support that you need.

  3. Just wanted to update you. The people i was worried about not supporting me have turned on me. I was still working on deciding if the marriage could be saved and if i could ever trust him enough again, when my father decided enough was enough. The children and i have been living with my parents and one day my father barraded me for hours (not only insulting me but my children as well) and only when he tried to strangle me did my mother step in to stop him. I had to make a hard decision very fast and have left my family (parents) behind and have moved in with my husband again. I feel like no matter what now i have to make this marriage work. The only upside is that we are getting full support from my in-laws and we continue to see out therapist together, where he is making efforts and understanding how he hurt me and what he can do to prevent it from happening again. I’m working on not being his mother but his lover. Thanks for the advise and being the only person to say it’s OK no matter what i do. It meant a lot to me and really helped to ease the anxiety of the whole situation.

  4. Well my husband and I have been married for a year and some months. I found out like three months after we married that he has been texting a coworker. I was so heartbroken when I found out about because I thought we were doing well. I knew something was up because all of sudden he had two phones but his excuse for having to phones was because one had a bluetooth and the another didnt.(stupid excuse) Well on one night he was sleep in our son’s room so i went in to check on him. When I went in I saw the his phones laying beside him so I picked them up and begin to search through them cause I knew something wasn’t right. I came across texting messages from a woman at his job. They called each other “boo” and “baby” and evening talked about each other in a sexual way. So I when woke up I asked him about it. Well i didnt just asked I fuss, cried and acted the fool about it. And yall know what he did to me? He placed the blame on me. He told me I was wrong for looking through his phone, telling his mama about it , and evening asking him about it. He went on and on and on about how I was wrong. He made me feel like nothing, So after he promised to stop texting and talking to the woman. (That was a lie.) I found out while we were on vacation in Florida that he never stopped.(Ruined my vacation) I have asked him several times to stop but he seems as if he can’t. Recently I have went through his found that their telling each other that they love each other. (HEARTBEAKING) And that he even consults with her about our relationship. In one of the text messages tells her” that if things work out with my wife would you be mad at me” and “if it doesnt work with my wife can we be together”. (Oh i forgot to tell yall she just recently got married. like a month ago and this mess is still going on) Now we’re excepting our second son. I’m eight months pregnant and I ‘m faced with the decision rather to stay or go. I dont know what to do. I just recently found out that he been getting off of work early but not coming home. (He dont know i know this) I havent worked in months. I have a two year old, place to live, and money I have to think about. My self-esteem is so low. I cry myself to sleep at night. I really want him to change but I dont think he does. He has a loving wife, a wonderful son and another one way. He should be happy with us but he’s not. This is not what I thought my marriage would be like almost two years in it. Should I stay or should I go? Help me somebody cause I’m about to start planning to leave.

    1. Hello Jazzy,

      That story is similar to mine in some ways, I asked my husband to break it off with he and he couldn’t call her and do it in front of me (heartbreaking). I felt like he was more interested in protecting her than me, and I had a 2 year old at the time and one on the way, it was devastating, words don’t do it justice. And he blamed me as well because I would nag and he said I rejected him as a man. The problem with your husband is that he is caught up in the fantasy world that this woman is giving him (it’s not love it’s lust) and he hasn’t accepted responsibility for his actions, not good combo’s. My husband eventually came around and understood what he has done, but by the time that happened, it was too late, I was too hurt, too emotionally torn, I had nothing left to give the marriage. I think you have to look within yourself and think about next steps. You can not change him, but you can change your actions and cause an impact in him. For instance, once I made the decision to leave, he was no longer an important thought to me. I only talked to him when I had to. I made food for myself and the kids, I watched TV by myself. The focus was off of him and eventually he was like what’s going on? We talked, and even though I ended up leaving, we had some good discussions. If he is anything like my husband he will eventually regret what he did, might not ever tell you, but he will.

  5. Hey Jazzy,

    Hearing your story makes me sad. I am sorry that you are going through this while you are pregnant. No women should be dealing with infidelity while she is pregnant. I want you to understand that the decision to leave or stay is up to you. No one else can tell you whats right or wrong. Trust me that it won’t be easy. It will probably be one of the hardest decision that you will ever have to make. But just know that you can’t continue to stay in the limbo stage. Eventually your going to have to make it. You need to take care of yourself because that baby needs a healthy and happy mother. Believe it or not kids can feel when something is wrong. Their not stupid and your can’t hide nothing from them. I am leaving my husband in Jan. He’s a navy personal and he cheated on me with another service member. I told him I will not stick by his side if he decides to stay in the navy. Which he is so I am leaving with two of our kids. I will not stick by a man who can’t appreciate me and everything I do for the family. Overtime it does make your self-esteem very low and it makes you question yourself. You got to do what’s best for your and your child. And if that’s not being with him, than do it. You can love him so much until you can’t love no more. And if he can’t understand that and what you want in a marriage. Than he is not worthy to be in your present. Just know that you are not alone and there are a lot of women like myself on this site who are going through this too. I wish you the best and hopefully to will come to a decision that is best for you.

    -Bebe

  6. Wow… Everytime i read ur articles i seem to feel a lil better, knowing that im NOT in this alone, Unfortunately. But u take the words right out if my mouth! U r such a stronger woman than i am! Just want to say thk u very much for doing what u do! 🙂

  7. In July of last year my husband of 12 years and 3 children (6,4,2) began to act off. He began hiding his phone, not wanting to have sex anymore, just turned cold to our relationship. I looked at the phone records and he had spent 12 hours on the phone to one particular number. I confronted him and he said yes it was a woman, but they were just friends from work and he had helped her 0ut with a bad situation so they had talked alot. Since I had always trusted him I told him that he needed to stop talking to her and it would be okay.
    Well it didn’t stop, and he began to lie about it. I found out in September that he had created a separate e-mail/messenger account just to talk to her so I would not find out about it. Again I confronted him and he said he would end it, he was so sorry, she was just a good friend and again since I had trusted him for 12 years I let it go. Things got worse though and I kept seeing her number on the phone bill, he changed his passwords to his accounts, he was texting all the time, basically had checked out of our family. I set up an appointment to see a couples therapist and the night before we went he got a call from her at 3 in the morning. I told him not to answer it if our relationship meant anything to him, but of course he did. I listened to some of their conversation without him knowing and heard things that made me think twice. I confronted him afterwards and he said he really liked her and wasn’t sure what he wanted. He still went to the therapist with me and admitted to an emotional affair with her. He told me that he was just trying to escape from the stress of our life together. Of course it is stressful, we have three small children, bills, work, etc! He wasn’t sure what he wanted to do.
    This went on and on and on. He started to go on trips to be with his friends. On one such trip I called the hotel he was staying at and asked for her room and he answered the phone. He made up all sorts of stories about her not actually being there, she had just booked the room then had to cancel – still don’t know the truth about this one, but I asked him that night if he was in love with her and he said he was. The fighting went on, him telling me he was no longer in love with me, he was just staying with me for the kids and me telling him that was not enough that he had to make a decision. Chirstmas was the worst ever, I don’t even really remember it and that is so sad when three little kids were so excited about it. I was lucky my parents were here as a buffer so the kids were able to have fun with them.
    It finally began to crumble after Christmas, I just kept at him one night and he told me he had slept with some other woman 4 years ago. I pretty much went insane and kicked him. He left and called her from his car, then came back home, but no apologies. The next day he told me he had lied about this because he was just angry at me for bugging him. He has stuck to this being a lie.
    Two days ago he finally admitted to his affair with this friend at work. I was so angry and betrayed. He was apologetic at first but after a while of talking about it said he wasn’t actually sorry and that he loved her and was glad to have met her, she was the free-spirit that I wasn’t. Well, if I wasn’t a mom with three kids who is alone at least half of every month because of his job maybe I would be a free spirit too! I had already had an appointment with a lawyer to discuss legal separation and when I started writing the draft he changed his tune a little. He wanted to try to work things out, but I told him that in order for us to work this out he had to stop it with her. He said he couldn’t do that, he was in love with her, but he didn’t want to lose the kids. To make this overly long story short, we had planned to separate for a little to give him time to work through this. He promised while he was still under my roof he would not talk to her. Last night she called and he talked with her for an hour. I was so angry at him. He left for work today, but told me he was really sorry for what he did, that he would try to be a better person. He said he was not ready to recommit to our relationship yet, but was willing to go to couples counseling to see what would happen. I just don’t know, am I being stupid to try, he is a great Dad, and was a great husband until this. Do I give him the chance or just give him up?

  8. Gracie, Your husband has to cut all ties with the OW for you two to work this out. If he can not do that then there is no chance for recovery. He has disrespected you right to your face by answer the phone after you told him not to.
    Go ahead with the lawyer appt to see what you options are. It doesn’t hurt and that way you have something to fall back on. If he thinks your life is stressfull now just he waits tell all the legal stuff starts happening then he will be stressed.
    Your not stupid for wanting to try again, we all have tried but both parties have to try not just you. Hang in there you can get through this.

  9. Gracie, I am so sorry that you are having to live through this. LisaP is right he has to cut all ties-you will never be able to move forward in your relationship if the OW is always on the sidelines. The sad part about it all is that while he thinks she is a “free spirit” what she really is –is a fantasy (all affairs are) The life he sees or thinks he sees with her has no kids, no bills, no stress– NO REALITY. It happens to them all- my husband included- the affair wasn’t nearly as wonderful when he was faced with loosing it all. Just remember to put YOU first no matter what he does, if he isn’t willing to cut ties with the OW, get the help he needs to find out why he did this in the first place, and willing to commit to working on the marriage with you – then you are better off without him. Honestly, you are worth so much more than she is- never forget that- I will pray that he finds reality in the mess he has created before it is too late. Stay focused on YOU and what gives you peace in handling all your emotions-lean on the women here to stay sane and stable during the process– let him figure it out for himself-you can’t make him see it or do it- you can’t force him to work on the marriage or himself no matter how hard you try– so in the mean time focus on moving forward for yourself- see the attorney- set yourself up financially to stand on your own two feet (I saw the stock broker and had my husband sign over everything to me only 2 days after discovery), do what YOU need right now, find yourself again- not mom or wife — but Gracie– the woman– She is so important and worthy of being happy– get her to where she needs to be mentally, physically and emotionally. I promise when he sees that you aren’t focusing on him, or trying to get him back, but you are stronger and more self-confident than he ever imagined– he will think twice about his choices. Hang in there- I will be thinking about you. Peace and Blessings

  10. carring his burden

    I sit hear sobbing, a copmlete and utter emotional mess. How is it this burden has been passed onto me – the decision to alter the course of my children’s futures. He knew cheating was my bottom line, yet chose to cross it. Because he has said he wants to work on our marriage, he threw the ball in my court and heaped the burden on my shoulders! This man is an utter coward! Only a coward would so passively aggressively put the decision in someone else’s hands!
    This is such BS! He wounds me beyond beleif and I’m left holding everything – the pain, the shattered dreams, the pieces of my soul that will never be whole again, the trauma of divorce for my kids and myself, choosing between self-respect and humility for my family! What kind of man does this! This is not a partner, this person is more like a terrorist! I can’t believe that people don’t think past their own damn sexual gratification to the infinite consiquenses of their actions.
    I stand here holding this pile of sorrow. I didn’t choose to pick all this crap up, it was dumped on my head and as a motherly instinct I caught
    it

  11. carring his burden, Damn girl you nailed it on the head. They only think of themselves and their penis! Never the consequences of their actions. We are strong than we think and you can get threw this even if it to divorce him. The answer you seek will come to you when your not expecting it. Not sure how long its been for you but I went through this for almost 6months the first time and now 5yrs of trying to put it all back together. The last 6 months was his last affair all online but he wants to stay married as I do too some days but not all days. This question I put to myself daily is it would have been better for me if he just died than feel this hurt daily.

    1. carring his burden,

      welcome to the site, the predicament that we are put in is awful. It really is and I understand your pain and anger with getting this dumped on you, it’s an incredible burden. Just remember whatever you decide to do, that HE cheated, and whatever you decide will be a result of his actions, not your decision. Take your time in deciding, do some self-reflection first to try to understand what you are feeling. Take care, virtual hugs to you.

  12. Such a dilemma. I feel for you all and I’m in the same boat. I found out 2 weeks ago my husband of 13 years & father to my 2 kids (14 & 7) was having yet another affair for over 2 months – but he confessed, I didn’t have to find out on my own. A week later I hacked into his email and Facebook accounts to find out there have been more he wasn’t telling me. The next day I learn he has been cheating on me off and on throughout our 13 year marriage nd has had sex with 10-12 diferent women. Yesterday I got a call from my doctor that I’ve contracted an STD because of him, luckily it’s not life threatening and treatable. I had known about some of his affairs before and always took him back thinking we’d work on it, and we would for a while. The last I time I told him there would be no second chance and I kicked him out the day he told me he was cheating. We’ve been living separately now for about 2 1/2 weeks. I’ve also filed for a divorce.

    Yet I am still fighting extremely strong feelings for this man. All rational thinking and logic tells me to run and not even look back, but I am madly in love with him. He does feel a tremendous amount of guilt for this and says he loves me (which is why he told me – not sure how you can loe someone and hurt them at the same time) and he wants to be with me. He tells me that he needs to work on himself right now because he has been such a bad person for so long and he is simply not happy with himself being like that. He explains he wants to find out what his problem is and become a better man for me and hopefully be able to come back to me as that white night and be the man I deserve and not come back when he’s not ready and possibly hurt me again. I want to believe him when he says this, but it is extremely difficult. But I know he is hurting and feel like he is being sincere when he tells me this and I see big tears running down his face and him asking for me to forgive and apologizing profusely for everything that he has done.

    I guess I have to admit my marriage is broken, that there are problems in it. I am in no way a perfect person. He tells me this is a time where we need to work on ourselves and hopefully within that time we discover we truly do or do not want to be with each other. It kills me to think that he wouldn’t think I am good enough for him. I’ve supported him from the day we met and I genuinely love this man, as ridiculous as it may sound. I don’t really think he is good enough for me, but I love him and am willing to look past his faults. Hell, we have 2 kids together!

    I just don’t really know what to think. Either decision feels like the wrong decision to me. I’m not suicidal but frankly I think I’d rather die than have to make this gut-wrenching decision.

  13. Jenna…..stay with him if you think you can continue to stay married to a man who has done what he has done (and freely admitted to it) and will continue to do it (please DO NOT fool yoursef…..my ‘ex’ poured out the crocodile tears and all the crap that goes with it, especially telling me “you’re the only one I’ve ever wanted”…..and then come to find out that he had cheated on me for the entire 23 year marriage (even with my sister!!!!) and continued cheating after being caught and giving me all the “believeable lies” he could come up with). I truly believe that when a man has carried on with affairs for as long as they have (for most of the marriage), there is NO turning back for them. It is in their systems and it’s an addiction and they are compelled to continue to do it…..forever. If you think you can live your life with someone like that, go for it. It’s really all about what you can tolerate……because it truly is “cheaper to keep her” in a man’s eyes!

  14. this is 2nd affair after i married with him for 12 years and we are together since 22 years ago. The 1st affair was happened 2 years ago, he with an Indo gal younger than him 15 years old. he came back one day and confess it to me but the relationship has been dragged for almost a year then we sent the gal back to Indonesia. He promised in front of his father’s grave not to cheat anymore. Right after one month later, he is having affair with another gal. As a wife, i believed in him and thought he will not do it again. I love him since the day 1 i knew him. He is my first love so am I to him. I really made me very pain and dissapointed. He married the gal without my consensus. My hubby is Muslim gal. They’re married by going thru illegal marriage. Now, the gal gave birth a baby boy to him. I was failed to give a baby boy to him. I have 2 gals ( 12 years old and 6 years old). Now, he achieved what he dream for. The lady created a lot of problem to him… they are out of money..and the child does not has proper nationality to be stated on the birth cert as they marriage is illegal done in Malaysia.

    For me, i’ve sacrified for him so much, he was out of job and most of times, i ‘m the only person support the family. I dont know at this junction should i leave or should i stay… ?? its so so..so.. painful. when you sacrified until i’m willing to stay with hunger and feed my family.. this is what my return.

    I cannot denied both of us still love each other but at this junction is nothing love anymore. He never scold the lady even he made any mistakes but he scolded me so badly… he wants the baby boy… can someone advise me what should i do…? I dont want to hurt my gals… my little one always say to me…mummy.. mummy.. why u cry.. tell me .. i’m here to listen to you…

    oh.. dear.. can somone tell me what to do …?

  15. It’s time to STOP accepting the unacceptable! It’s time for more people to take a stand against cheating. It’s time that people realize that some are just getting wealthy in the business of trying to get others to heal broken relationships.

    It’s a SCAM! First, the cheater scams you by cheating, then the therapist scams you by taking your hard-earned money. Most of the time, YOU know what is right for you and what is not… and most of the time, it is NOT right to accept the unacceptable.

    Cheating is NOT acceptable. It brings grief, it breaks trust, it sets up barriers to communication, it causes self doubt and humiliation.

    HEAL YOURSELF and move on. If more people would adopt this philosophy – there would be less cheating.

    Do Not Tolerate Cheating. Not Even Once.

  16. OK – if you are in the stage of suspicion, denial, confusion, doubt, shock, of any of the initial phases that deal with a whirlwind of emotion that is so out of control you don’t know what to do…
    Whatever you do, don’t put yourself, or your health at risk.
    If you think or know your partner has been sleeping with someone else, you shouldn’t be sleeping with that person. And don’t just ask. If this is someone you suspect of something, or you already know has done something – you already know you cannot trust this person to tell you the truth.

  17. Hi! I am overwhlemed to know so many people are going through this very same thing as I. Totally breaks my heart! Ok here goes my story… (for NOW) but I intend to have a better one..soon! My husband and I have been married for 8 years. Even in the beginnings of our marriage it wasnt all that easy. We married very young…me 18 him 21. My parents didnt support it at all being that we only knew each other for 5 months and then married. I thought the world of him. I had never been with someone who just wanted me me me all the time! Although their were times I thought gee we could have just a little bit of space. But I soaked it up.
    Ok His very first unfaithful incident was when he told me he had been watching porn on my MOTHERS computer. (let me add that this was two years into our marriage, we lived with my parents and he and I were leaders within the church) Altho this seems small it broke my heart because I thought “I” was his everything. And he mine. He said he was sorry for doing it but only because he felt like the watching of that was a sinful act. He didnt consider the damage it had done to me and how it made me feel inadequate. So this is where my insecurties began.( and where I acquired a VICTIM mindset) He told me I wasn’t pleasing him sexually in the ways he would like. We were having sex..it was just boring to him. He worked as airbrush artist so where before I didnt mind him going along to work without me at the mall. After that issue …I went everytime he did. To make sure no crazy activity with other girls was happening. This is when I began to notice his inablity to NOT flirt with other women even if I was RIGHT there. And his inability to NOT soak up their compliments as well. My Jealous side i didnt know I had REALLY set in! It Hurt me even more. After two years of marriage we finally purchased our own home. Things seemed ok… we were on our own. We both started new jobs and started going to gym togther. I had become so low and believed all he said so much that I would look up ways to spice up my sex life and try whatever I could find to please him. He constantly told me I just wasn’t enough He needed more in our sex life. This beat me down. Told me that I just must not have what it takes. (let me add that we had never gone more than 3 days without sex. Anyway.. Their were many more porn issues. Where I would walk in the room and he would cut off the computer like i didnt know what he was doing. After living at home for almost a year He confessed to me that he had started talking to a young lady at the gym and they had been conversing back and forth. I still to this day dont know what he told that poor girl who was still in high school but I know everytime I see her u can tell she hates ME! Ok in Feb of 2009 I found out I was pregnant. This is when all his drugs and partying started. He did not want a child. But knew their was nothing he could do about it. It just happened. And was obvoiusly part of Gods plan. We had been married for 5 years. Thought we couldnt have children. I was thourougly overjoyed to find this out. She came in November. And of course my attention went completely to her at this time… And my body did too because I was breastfeeding. He hated every second of it. ( and again sex never stopped the longest we went during my pregnancy and after labor and delivery was a month, but I still did everything I could to satisfy him) He would try so hard to be excited about our baby girl but couldnt help but say something like “ya wish I meant that much to you or when is she going to sleep so I can have time with you.” OH such another deep heart breaking moment for me. He then started staying overnight with friends. Or coming home at 4 am. He went from haniging with guys to hanging with girls and guys to hanging with JUST GIRLS. I would beg and plead every night before He left. We would fight and argue for hours about how I did not want him going out. it wasnt an atmosphere for a married man. But He would say what am i supposed to do sit here with you and the baby. No way! He would leave me crying almost every time he left. He would say my friends care about me. And u just care about her (our daughter) I was NEVER allowed to see his phone. Always locked. Didnt know his email or FB passwords. I dont know what my deal was. I should have left then. But I didnt. I kept trying ….almost like I was ignoring it all. So one day he tells me I think I just really need two wives maybe then I could be satisfied. Well I thought he was joking. but when he talked of this for two wks I realized he was not! I had had enough I told him if he couldnt quit bringing it up that I would leave. He then by email told me that he had met someone who wants to marry him and may one day just decide to move in… he didnt know for sure but didnt want me to b surprised. He said she was very forceful. And thats all the detail he would give. So I packed my things and went to my mothers. (for two days lol) I was so weak I couldnt stay away. He got his cake and ate it to. I was told by someone else in his family the details of this relationship. The girl lived in Russia and he was going to pay to move her here!!!! Just another crack to the heart! He would say he was sorry and he knew he hurt me but I hurt him too…. the main thing he focused on was that I left him. He manipulated me and beat me over the head with how could I leave him. how could I do that to our marriage and I LISTENED to it. So not even a full year after that, he was working as a personal trainer and began an emotional affair with his boss. He just came home one day and said he did not know what he wanted and he needed some time to figure it out. So he packed his things and left. WITH NO DETAIL! I was so hurt I blamed myself for days then he came to me and told me that he had an affair with someone(would never give details i always had to find these out myself) He kept trying to tell me they hadnt had sex tho???? He left the home after telling me for another two weeks and daily i wouldask him what his decesion was… did he want his marriage or not. Either he would ignore me or respond “its not that easy”. So I finally filed for divorce. I had enough. I didnt want a divorce cried the entire time i sat with a lawyer but i knew I had to decide somthing and apparently together wasnt an option. He then backed out from her he was mortified at receiving divorce papers. To make a long story short it was a long 6 months of im sorry’s and bashing me as a christian a wife nd a mother. That i took him from his family… I made him leave. I was hurting him and making him pay and that wasnt right. After six months of him begging, got fired from his job, got another job and at the time I actually thought he was trying i took him back in Feb of 2012. Then here we are… I’ll make this more breif since I have blabbed for so long. The relationship he began with his boss at the gym… supposively ended but started back up a month after he was home. When I thought our marriage was fresh and knew and going great he was still seeing her. Thier relationship depened. On weekends when i thought he was taking WORK trips. He was staying with her. On Nights he told me he was staying with a friend who blah blah blah some BIG LIE i believed it. But he was staying with her. He got close to her family ..her children. All the while I thought we were building our marriage back. He still never came clean i caught him. I found pictures. caught him lying. I had friends coworkers and church members who saw him out with this lady and her family LIKE HE DIDNT GIVE A CRAP! Thanksgiving week I told him we needed to separate I wasnt doing this anymore. He agreed. But told me he was worried he may go back o her and just be with her. I told him well figure it out once and for all what u want. Sure enough he ignored me and my calls and spent the entire holiday week with her and her children. LIED like a dog as always about it. I called the girl she told me it was true. I told him he could stay away that i am done. He is back to begging and ill do all i can do…. its all lies to me he doesnt mean anything he says. I am really tired I want a marriage and a whole NOT broken family for my daughter. But enough is enough!!! I feel I have one option ….DIVORCE. But I just dont want it.

    1. Hi MIR,

      You have been through so much, so young, with this man. And after reading your story, I can confidently say, he is not worth the pain. He really isn’t. The stress, the drama, the self-esteem issues. There are men out there that will love you and your daughter, seriously. I know you do not want a divorce, none of us do, but we need you to be a strong mother for your child, and I am not sure you are doing to get that with him. I would write a list of the positive qualities and not so positive qualities and compare to help you make your decision. You deserve better. I know it also sucks because your parents were against it in the first place, but you know what, oh well, that is what parents are for, to take you back after you make mistakes, if you decide to divorce, they probably will secretly be happy because they know you are not happy now, parents just know these things. Take Care!!

      RIP to the victims of the Newtown school shooting

  18. I agree…. He is not worth it. You are young and have a responsibility to your daughter. This man is not the father and husband she should have as an example, remember, your daugther will live her life looking at you and learning how to live from your example…..get out and move on with your life. Take it from someone that found out after 26 years if marriage that her husband had a double life, and slept with hundreds of women. Im 49, no career to depend on and three adolescents that need him financially… He stopped the behavior 5 months before I found out, and its been over a year since his last sexual encounter, but I just cant get pass the lies, all those years, the disrespect, the fact that his value was centered on how many desperate women he could sleep with, and how well he could lie, and not on being the best husdand, father and friend he could be…my dissappointment is SO immense that I wish I could erase him from my life, but I cant. Dont stay. You are young and deserve better. Leave him behind. Be strong for your daughter.

  19. My H said the same thing, its on my shoulders the pain a divorce would bring the children… It is a very cruel and cowardly thing to say. But what can you expect from a man whose greatest value is how many -desperate- women he could sleep with, how well he could lie, instead of putting his value as a man in being the best father and husband he could be? In a way I feel Pity for them… To live a lie, every day…being so ashamed of who they are, so they hide under the disguise of a ” family guy” when they have no intentiOn of honoring that commitment…. Believe me these men are poor souls, a putiful excuse of a man whose greatest achievement is their ability to have a working penis! Having said all this: if he is willing to go to therapy, be an open book, be faithful frOm n

  20. the "evil other woman"

    Yes…I am the “evil other woman”.
    My love affair ended last May when his nagging, homely wife (yes I have seen her) found a text from me.
    She called me was so enraged & started name calling etc.
    For one thing….
    THINK before you do that. She called 6 times and I let some go to voicemail.
    I reported these to the police.
    Yes… That is telephone harassment. 6 counts. A misdemeanor in most states.. which is a criminal offense … stays on your record, you can be fined, and even serve jail time. There is now a trial date to face me in court.
    When you call me a whore, tramp, slut… what are you saying about your husband ?
    He is so stupid naive, that I led him away from a “happy home?”
    If you feel as though his judgement was so flawed… to be with me… ask.. what does that say about his judgement about you ?
    The same man that chose me.. chose you.
    My “guy”and I met on a website called Ashley Madison to find affair partners.
    He paid 250.00, created a profile and diliberately set off to find and have affairs.
    He has been on this site for 10 of his 11 year “marriage”.
    So now.. they are in therapy , she is trying to decide what to do.
    We are all older. she os 53, he is 66 and I am 58… they have no children and his kids are grown.I think all of the crying , whining, and anger directed at me, need to be reflected back to them.
    Why did he want so badly to cheat ?
    Why is she so desparate to hold on to something that NEVER WAS ?
    If your husband , has gone to great lengths to deceive, lie, and cheat….
    I will break it to you.
    YOU NEVER HAD A TRUE RELATIONSHIP, A REAL MARRIAGE TO BEGIN WITH ! ITS A SHAM !
    Cut your losses and move on….. you will never really forgive or forget.
    If you look at most of the info on saving your marriage, they are therapists , wanting to sell you , books, cds , etc… a way to make $$$$$ off your pain.
    While I am here let me clear up another thing.
    You may say… well your “married man chose his wife over you.
    True ? Hardly !
    Why does everyone assume he gave me up for his wife ?
    I never wanted this man in my life on a permanant basis to start with.
    We had a great passionate love affair for 3 yrs. I never asked or wanted him to leave. his wife.
    We truly cherished a fabulous, love affair with GREAT loving sexuality.
    It was something we valued, we loved for the precious moments we shared.
    All good things must come to an end. The happisest times of my life I shared with him…. and I am a better person for having known him and shared precious times.
    If you stay in a bad marriage…. you are condoning his behavior.
    You are rewarding it. You have no respect for him …. your family or least of all
    YOURSELF !
    xoxo the ‘the evil other woman “

    1. Hi ‘the evil other woman’.

      I think that you have to take each situation in proper perspective. There are some OW who absolutely want to become the wife, in your case, you didn’t, you just wanted a love affair.

      The wife calling you 6 times was strictly out of pain, I am not sure what was said, but if you ever had a situation in your life where what you thought your life is, is not the case at all, you will know how she felt at that time. And you would understand why she was so angry. Maybe you haven’t been totally devastated before, and if that is the case, consider yourself lucky. Does she still call you, or was that just the moment? I am simply asking out of curiosity, are you afraid of the wife or trying to get revenge on her being responsible for ending your 3 year love affair? I think you might be assuming that all the anger is directed at you, hardly the case. I am sure the husband is getting it as well, so hard that he ended it with you. It seems like you are trying to share something along the terms of if a man cheats and you stay, that means you are condoning his behavior (sometimes that is true, but not all the time, again, it depends on the situation). But what is the lesson for you, I failed to see what you have learned from this experience? You mention that a woman that stays after her man cheats has no respect for herself, so what do you call a woman that knowingly cheats on a married man? Is that woman respecting herself having a partial man?

      Look, I am not here to judge you or your situation, all I know is that if you re-read what you wrote, you have a lot of anger within you that you might want to consider looking at. At the end of the day, the pain of an affair cuts deep for all parties involved, which you are showing in your post.

  21. Hi “other woman”,

    The happiest moments of your life you shared with him”, that tells me you did really wanted him to leave his wife but maybe…. You were afraid if his answer…

    Have you ever thought this man could have been a sex addict? He stayed cause he couldnt stop not because he ” loved ” you. And the fact that he is staying and going to therapy tells me he does love his wife and you will never know how much love they share. You will never know.

    Kudos to her for calling things (you) by their name!

  22. the "evil other woman"

    Kudos ?
    We will see when she is the defendant in court.
    Sex addict ?
    No.
    That is an excuse wives tell themselves, as to NOT deal with the reality of a love affair.
    A man doesn’t call you call several times a day, text you “good night”, come by to get a hug, to start his day, or plan a beautiful weekly lunch date , or “make love” ( his wording) once a month, if one is a sex addict.
    Dear wives,
    Get yourself together before you lose control , start lashing out….. she has compounded the problem.
    Now her husband gets to see me, even more …at the deposition, court date.
    She is foolish, it is laughable.
    I am looking forward to my day in court.
    Now her “H” will see her for the petty, vindicative , insecure hag she really is.
    Yes, they are staying together… for the” sake of the money”
    I am not his first affair….. doubt I will be his last.
    Her pain ?
    Again.. she needs to get her”shit” together…. seek therapy and all though it is widely written about, that an affair is not HER fault, IT IS !
    She should have known that no man is going to tolerate having sex rationed , doled out like ” a good boy getting a cookie”.
    My pain ?
    Hardly.
    I never asked him to leave her, never expected it.
    I am just so sick of wives playing “the blame game”.
    You and your husbands are to blame, and what he is lacking , he will ALWAYS seek from someone else.
    IT’S YOUR OWN ,DAMN FAULT !
    Take responsbility for what is lacking in your marriage, fix it or finish it .

  23. Wow! You are angry and hurt…. This man that needed to hear your voice is staying with his wife because of the money?
    Well, I see you are hurt and Im sorry but you put yourself in this situation… You knew he was married…

    You are also an ignorant.. Even though not all married men who cheat are sex addicts, it is a very real diagnosis, and not an excuse for the cheater or his wife. Again, do yourself a favor and don’t make this statements when you obviously have no idea what you are talking about.
    The elegant, dignified thing to do if I were you, is withdraw the charges, and NOT see them in court. You are already on the losing end of this. Call a friend, go on a vacation, get over this horrible man that lead you to believe in him, lied to his wife….he is not worth it. Let this be your lesson, don’t date married men!!!!!!

  24. Hi “evil other woman”..the one that sounds bitter, angry, hurt, and resentful is you..maybe you have an inkling of what the wife feels after all but I would doubt it..what he had w you was not real just selfish choices made by two people looking for an escape..if his marriage was so bad all those years why didn’t he just leave? The problem of him having an affair is not his wife’s fault..it his for doing so and yours for being willing to be involved w a married man..I’m sure they had marital problems, things that they both contributed but he was the only one who’s answer was to cheat..what he shared w you about himself, his wife, their marriage? More than likely a very skewed version..making him look good, her look terrible and giving him the excuse(s), justifications for him to do what he was doing..you say how by going to court he is going to see you more an how petty she’ll look..sounds like it is you looking to see him and most, including him will be completely sympathetic to her and you will look petty and vindictive..I found it interesting that you came here to post, as if to lash out at her, him through us..like a woman scorned perhaps?
    xoxo “the wife who is thriving”

  25. Hi, “wife who is trhiving”

    Couldn’t agree MORE with you. This woman “the evil other woman”, I don’t know how, but I almost feel sorry for her, pitty…she is going to look so alone, disgrunted and frankly stupid in front of him and his wife…he is on his wife side after all…I hope she realizes this and stops it, moves on with her life, and makes better choices.

    There it goes, for all these women than don’t mind getting involved with a married man, in the end, whether they end up with him or not…they are involved with a cheater, and they knew he was a cheater from the start….not like his wife. ALL marriages have issues at one point or another…some people cheat just because they have the opportunity, others because they have no coping skills, others are dealing with much darker reasons. In the end, is real love, commitment and unselfishness (not money, and not sex) that will keep two people together. Their history, what a marriage shares after so many years together….is extremely important…of course, if there is true love and passion between them still. Sometimes, it is better to divorce, no doubt, luckily, in my case, I’m fighting for my marriage, for my family, for my love, and so does this wife. Again, KUDOS to her for not being afraid to call things by their name, for not being afraid of prosecution (let’s see how sympathetic the judge really is), sometimes, it takes one to do something extraordinarily out of one’s comfor zone, a willingness to change and take huge chances, in order to achieve real change in our lives. Sounds to me, this wife is one to keep. Kudos to the husband for having the strenght of character (a.k.a. “b…s”) to be honest with her and stand by her, in the end, we are human and we make mistakes, all of us.

  26. Hi “Evil other woman”

    I just re-read your last post….and look, YES a sex addict will do all those things…of course!!! Some sex addicts like romance, they will plan lunches, dinners, weekends, they want to SEDUCE…even more than they want sex..it’s very complicated. Not that this man was one, but just so that you know, that a sex addict, can be very romantic. Anyway, I hope you learned a lesson from this, and can move on, don’t look back at a man that never really gave you anything but lies, I KNOW he looked and sounded honest, but he wasn’t, accept it.

    It is never the wife’s fault if her husband cheats…WHERE did you get that? Never. I used to get SO angry when people told me “it had nothing to do with you”…because I felt it did! but, I understand now, it was nothing I did or didn’t do…but you know what? the moment he lied to me, that first time, he included me in his paralell life, in his lie, so I was in the middle of it all, as if watching. I guess the thrill wouldn’t have been there if I weren’t, in this very whimsical way, a part of it.

    MOVE ON, stop blaming others, learn about sex addiction -just to have something to do-, and try to do things you enjoy, that way you might meet someone who is honest and wants to be with you, not you as part of a larger fantasy, get it?

  27. ‘Evil other woman’… I had to respond to your post. I agree with Jewels, Kem, and Patagonia… Every situation is different, every relationship has its problems, and every cheating man is the one to be blamed. As a betrayed wife, I can tell you that the way she responded to you was completely out of fear, anger, and shock. We all have wished to lash out at the OW at some point. We don’t blame the OW, we just are trying to come to terms with finding out that the person we thought we were married to is so flawed that they are willing to break the most sacred of all vows. It is a horrible time for anyone that has had to experience it… Trust me! The fact that once his wife found out he remained in the marriage speaks volumes about his true intentions all along. He obviously was looking for something he thought he needed in all the wrong places. This is a man that is a master at lying and cheating. Especially if what he told you that he had been having affairs for 10 years. He is broken for sure. What the two of you had was not real. You must realize that. It was his fantasy to have someone to have those morning hugs, a lunch date, and sex when he wanted it with no strings attached or real life issues to deal with. Must be nice! In reality what he had was a wife ( a woman he married) who bore the brunt of life with him…jobs, bills, commitments, responsibilities, etc… If he wanted out for 10 years, he could have gotten out- money problems or not. Once he was caught, the fantasy was OVER. His world shattered into a million pieces. You were one of the pieces. He had to wake up and start taking responsibility for his actions. The fact that he is willing to go to therapy is huge. Most men that want out of a marriage won’t even entertain therapy as a solution…they will just leave, file for divorce, and be done -no matter what the consequences financially or otherwise. The men that say they want to stay married but really don’t will just dangle therapy as an option, but never actually follow through. Those that want to stay, fix themselves, and the marriage will go to whatever lengths they have to to repair the marriage including therapy. Trust me on this also. He played you my friend and lied to you also.. and you should be angry with him about that. You also must remember that you knew what you were getting into by being on a website like that in the first place. Men that troll those sites aren’t looking for love… They want sex without commitment. They want to live out fantasies with women that are willing to play along .. The real questions you should be asking yourself is are you really wanting to be someone’s seconds? Thirds? Or even fourths? Especially if he had been doing this a long time. Are you willing to give your love, trust, and body to someone that doesn’t respect you in the way you deserve? You deserve to be loved by someone that is willing to be yours 100%… Not, 10, 25, or even 50% of the time. We all deserve that.
    I don’t know their situation. I am sure they had problems (ALL marriages do). I do know what she was feeling at the moments when she called you…and it is a place I hope you never have to visit. Just remember these lessons the next time you decide to have a “love affair” with a married man..they are liars– mine included. Oh yea, and in some states the OW can be sued for breaking up a marriage and awarded lots of money…beware..next time you may get more than a few nasty phone calls.. Just saying…

  28. Hi JB,

    I also agree with you, 100%. I also think that If this man has been cheating for 10 years..he is most likely a sex addict. There is one thing his wife couldn’t give him: BEING A STRANGER, give him the ability to reinvent himself, the mistery, the wrongness, his wife couldn’t give him that. But if he has done this for so long, my guess is that it’s something stronger and darker than “just looking for sex” that was guiding it. The fact that he is staying with his wife, going to court, therapy and all, tells the story of someone who is LOST, and he is very lucky to be with a strong enough woman who is willing to help him find his way. I speak from experience, during the most difficult time of my life, these last 9 months, of my 27th year marriage…I know how strong one must be not to run away…but the problems, the sadness, everything, runs away WITH you. Is better to comfront evil with all you’ve got and know, you are going to beat it to the ground. Is amazing how we women, we can be so strong, determined, fearless, and yet so caring, compassionate and understanding…I guess it comes from the fact that we started this relationship for ALL the right reasons, with love, honesty, commitment, that we gave ourselves to the other person, and he also did the same….Of course, at one point or another, one lost its way, but if that person, is a good person, in his heart, he deserves to be helped, he deserves a second chance…for all those reasons they got together in the first place, for the LOVE they share.

    A crook shouldn’t trust another crook…saying that if you are in a relationship with a crook and you both know it is a wrong relationship (any relationship, sexual, but also, if you get together with someone to commit a crime)…you know you can not trust him/her…ever. Again, it goes back to the reasons you get together with someone in thefirst place, right?

  29. Amen… Patagonia. I too stayed in my 26 year marriage after my husband had an affair. I agree with you on everything..especially on the reasons we stay…we did start out all those years ago, young, bright eyed, and committed for all the RIGHT reasons. We were in it for the long haul, the journey itself is where the love grew from in our lives. None of us here ever thought that one day we would wake up and our journey would have detoured so far off course and that it would take us off a cliff …the cliff was so high that we truly have fought with everthing we have to find even the smallest foot holds to cling to and slowly climb back up to a spot where we can continue living once again. At least that is what it has felt like for me. It is what makes staying so hard…there is nothing, and I mean nothing easy about it.
    We know the men we married…and the man that sat across from me on D-day going on 3 years ago, was not the man I married…he was broken, ashamed, embarassed, completely lost. He knew he had made the biggest and most costly mistake of his life. My husband is not a sex addict, and I haven’t had to deal with the nightmare that you have had to survive… I do know that from the women on this blog, it is very REAL and a struggle like none other. My husband had an affair with a college friends wife…. Talk about drama… Not only did it destroy long term marriages and friendships, she the OW involved our teenage children…..another type of Nightmare! It has been over 3 years now, and time does heal the pain and sadness of what once was. We have worked harder on our marriage than anything in our lives, why? Because we both are worthy of it. We both committed to one another a lifetime ago to stand beside one another in good times and in bad….if he had not from day one of this recovery been an open book, 100% honest with me on everything, and willing to do anything…and I mean anything to heal himself, help me heal, fix our marriage, and our family…. I would never have been able to stay. In the process we have found one another again, found joy in our relationship like never before, and have a mature completely open line of communication between us now…it is amazing! Now like I said before this has taken A LOT of hard work, therapy on both our parts, me finding how to find happiness just for me in life without it being tied to him in any way ( I run and do yoga now just for ME),him finding a way to forgive himself, and be willing to talk about anything and everything with me. It has been a bumpy road for sure, and now I can say that I am glad we made it. I’m so glad that you and your husband are fighting for your marriage…Keep moving forward …peace along your journey my friend. 🙂

  30. Patagonia1 and JB well said and so true! I did feel pity as well Patagonia, as I also ended up feeling that for my H’s OW( who was also married)..as I came to understand, that people who choose to be in an A’s, whether they are married or unmarried, have issues themselves..I realized that for my H it started before I ever knew him, things he never looked at or took as responsible for some of his actions because it was easier to blame me..same w his OW blaming her H..the A was never real..it was only showing a certain side of themselves so that they always looked good and could feel less guilt about the choices they were making..my H feels like a fool for doing what he did, he is one of those that is working on himself, working together on us, asking for forgiveness, saying he’s sorry to me and our children often..and if he wasn’t trying to change things, if he wasn’t working harder to help fix what he broke? I would not be here..most OW see us wives as clueless, pathetic, desperately trying to hang onto their spouses..you are told we withhold sex, were bitchy, we are lacking somehow..they think they are hearing only the truth..ironic right? Since “the truth” is coming from a man who is lying and cheating to be there..my H knows he made me less than and negated me to his OW to justify what he was doing, to make her feel like she was better, pump her up and now it is what he beats himself up the most about..most men will have an A w someone because the opportunity presents itself and the other person makes themselves available..sometimes they will make it bigger because it is a fantasy..the OW doesn’t come w the day to day issues of real life..kids, bills, life..and usually when found out they see the error of how they have handled, basically by not handling whatsoever, the issues in their marriages, but more often then not within themselves, and they choose the wife..absolutely there are users, repeat offenders, and always people willing to put themselves in A situations, and those are the ones who should be kicked to the curb..and then there are those who see it as a wake up call and forge on to have even better marriages..sounds like what JB has, and what Patagonia1 and I are striving for as well..I’m 13 months from finding out and we are doing better every day, not always easy, but as we have learned, always worth it and we don’t take that for granted..”evil other woman” I am pretty certain you’ll come back to tell us how wrong we are..but I honestly just feel sorry for you, a 58 year old woman who finds “love affairs” on a cheating website and thinks she’s valued..I know my worth and it has nothing to do w my husband..he cheated because of him and because someone else was available to cheat w him..I have stayed because I still see that he is a good man who made a horrendous mistake and is doing all that he can to repair it..but I only promise to try, and to do the work together, but if I decide it or he isn’t worth it anymore, then I will end it..because we both know that I am worth more than what he did, and I deserve better than the choices he made that I was forced to deal w..
    And JB you are right about those certain states..I checked it out as well in my first few weeks of initial anger, and they don’t even have to reside in those states, just have to have relations in them..and it was great to hear how well your marriage is doing

  31. I am very proud of you for being strong and giving us hope that as long as there is love there is a chance. My husband went to great lenghts to avoid becoming emotionally involved, and says he never wanted to leave me. He ha stopped the behavior 7 months prior to D-Day , because he wanted to mot because I found out, it was a difficult time for him but he did it. Now he looks and acts as if a huge weight had been lifted, he looks so much happier and genuine….I’m left to deal with so much though. In the end, my life wouldnt be better if I left, I would be just as sad, my children would have to go through the trauma if a divorce and of finding out their father had this horrible secret (his addiction was to seducing vulnerable women who go online to find the love of their lives or for revenge). He needed validatiOn from strangers, to deal with a terribly traumatic childhood. In the end, it’s been almost a year since D Day and 16 months since his last encounter…and I know -for a fact- he has been sober. My husband is back and we love each other.

  32. the "evil other woman"

    To all wives:
    “Where there is marriage without,
    LOVE
    there will be love without,
    MARRIAGE.”
    Ben Franklin

    I can’t STEAl your husband away……when he is already out looking for me.
    xoxo
    the “evil other woman”

  33. I agree with Ben Franklin’s quote…

    Except that it’s been WELL established that having sex outside marriage is not, most of the time, love. You need a reality check and I don’t know what else you need to get to that point. HE is going to be WITH his wife, on her side, against you on that Court date….he took advantage of you, and you will look like a fool.
    You are 58 years old? Well, good luck stealing or having them fall in love with you, whatever you want to call it…

  34. the "evil other woman"

    Dear “Patagonia”
    I think you have missed the point of the quote.
    Ben Franklin was using the term “love” to refer to sex.
    “Reality Check ?” and you are going to give that to me ?
    I know this man. OF course he will be there with his wife … if nothing else her will make him.
    What difference does that make ? We live in the same community. shop, dine, belong to the same C.C. I have seen them out together…. no they weren’t holding hands, she has gained about 30 lbs, her frizzy , bleached blonde hair , had a about a 2 inch growth of gray, and she looked her normal matronly way.
    Hardly “thriving”
    As far as looking like a fool in court…. it is the police does does the investigation , the prosecutor that brings the charges.
    It is a legitimate case,my point was… to gain your composure before you berate & bagger your”H” to find out the OW name , address…. be careful what you ask for… it may be a criminal lawsuit.
    “H” should have NEVER told her my name…. he obviously wanted her to know , what I looked like… or he could have lied about me.
    Of all the lies he has told…. why did he decide to tell her the truth then ?
    He thought she would leave…. I always assured him she never would.
    As the comedian “RoseAnne ” once joked…..
    “If I EVER caught my husband cheating, I would never divorce him.
    I would stay and make the rest of his life a living hell “! Ha!
    BTW… 58, size 6 , long shoulder length hair , yes attractive…
    As we say in Texas, “it ain’t bragging…. if it is true !”
    “The best part of me isn’t a part “!
    I am so much more than what I look like.
    I have talent, & tenacity, looks with personality !
    Thank you for your wishes…. but luck has nothing to do with it.
    Good luck to you, trying to keep your husband .
    I sincerely think you will need it.
    Besides… what makes you think I want your husbands ?
    I don’t want him, really you can keep him…
    HE IS A LIAR & A CHEAT
    (Oh over 3200 contacts the first month on AshleyMadison)
    Trust me , if hubby can “Google” anything… he can set up a profile…. very user friendly.. although it will cost him 250.00 just to set up, and will run him about 50-100.00 per month just to search for an affair partner…
    they must feel it is worth it !
    xoxo
    TEOW

  35. the "evil other woman"

    Perhaps I am confused or you are……..
    Where , when, did I ever say I wanted this man back in life ?
    I do hate “ill will ” with anyone, and sure I miss him , he called or texted me everyday for 3 years, without fail. I miss my girlfriend in ATL too.
    I would have taken this to my grave, I never want any woman to know about “us” Not so much for me … but I care enough about a man I worry about how much hell he will have to endure.
    She couldn’t let it go and I bet it has been so much harder on her to know that she dosen’t measure up when she compares herself to me.
    Sometimes you are better off NOT knowing.
    I do always remain on speaking term with all men I have had a relationship with.
    I use AshleyMadison as an “adult FaceBook or LinkedIn”.
    You would be shocked to know about the “6 degrees of separation”.. and who all I have met. They keep in touch with me, and I have refered some of these men for business deals, using my connections with them for advise on business , and they have networked with me as well.
    Who contacts me the most ?
    Drs, attorneys , judges , corp ceo s and met a high level appointee who worked in the Gov. Office.
    It is truly a facinating study in human behavior…. I have been approached to write a book.
    Don’t worry the names with be changed to protect…… the guilty !
    xoxo TEOW

  36. To TEOW,

    Well, now the picture is so much clear..I was thinking that if you were on Ashley Madison then you are or were married too… But your last comment made me think something entirely different! I think you are not looking for love, sex or even companionship…I think you are looking for…. Business!! I think is crazy you are taking the wife to court….you have something to hide, and something illegal…so I would think twice about putting myself in that situation if I were you… But then,
    I’m NOT.

    To all of us wives that decided to stay, to work through the pain, The desbelief, and the images in our heads, those flashbacks that come out of nowhere and hurt as if a knive just slashed through our heart. To those wives that didn’t put themselves first but last, who had the compassion to see beyond their pain and accept the very hand that hurt us so much, but now wants us to stay together, for better and for worse

    To all the wives tthe courage to stay and see your man not as your Prince Charming but as a damaged human being one that put his value on his penis instead of putting in being the best father, spouse and friend he could be….
    I am just like these women, I kept my family together, I gave my damaged husband a chance to be a better person, and our relationship is actually much more intimate, closer than in the last 8 years when he was living a lie but went to great lenghts to avoid emotional involvement with anyone…and guess what? These women were older than me, most of the time, and I look SO much better than most of them….my husband wasnt looking for love, companionship, he was looking for validation, and NOTHING more. These vulnerable women, Im not mad at them, in a way I feel
    pity for them, they were probably cheated on, so they got divorced, or not, but they go online to find…..someone else’s husband doing exactly the same their husbands did to them!!!! Crazy.
    So, TEOW, you are one of hundreds of women that get in the way, offer themselves so easily that these “damaged human beings” just fall for it, but in the end, those who value their bodies as much a their souls, are the ones who will get LOVE.
    Now the wife is going to get SO much attention!! Maybe an European vacation?? Maybe. I wish them well, and they can put you behind once and for all.

    Good luck with your book, maybe writing about your affairs will help you see that you are just part of a much larger puzzle, and your part is the one with pain and shame, not with empathy, compassion, and love, yes, actually, love.

    1. Patagonia1/TEOW

      TEOW,

      Do you find an affair relationship easier than a committed relationship? Why/Why/not? It seems like you would never get in a committed relationship with someone (especially meeting him on Ashley Madison)? Is that true?

      Also, people that are Doc’s and Judges put their picture and full name up on Ashely Madison or is there a way of discretion? I would imagine that people would not risk being ‘outed’ by posting on such site, but back to your point on human behavior, maybe everyone on the site ‘protects’ each other?

      Patagonia1 – I am glad things are going well for you and your husband. Your point about the need for validation is so true. I believe that was a huge factor in my ex-husband straying. I could not validate him enough, so he sought it with another woman. I don’t think it mattered what she looked like, he just wanted someone to tell him he is the man and have sex. I think you knowing that validation part was critical for your recovery – I wish you many years of success in the marriage!!

  37. Hi Jewels,

    Thanks for your comment, it’s a long road to full recovery, with drastic changes in our relationship, but positive changes. He is committed and his change in demeanor is dramatic, I can clearly SEE a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. When he showed TRUE empathy last week, I felt, for the first time, that a weight was lifted from my shoulders too….hard to explain, but I guess we both needed to get there through our own inner work….sometimes it is better to get divorced, if the behavior continues, there is abuse, or the victim can’t take it and in a way becomes
    The abuser. In my case, the behavior had stopped 7 months
    prior to me finding out, not because I caught it but because he wanted to. Also, the whole thing was SO crazy, out of character and upon learning how traumatic his childhood was AND the fact that his sister also engaged in extramarital relationships helped me see that this was clearly an addiction. Not my fault,
    Not that he didn’t love me, not even about sex being better with someone else, it was this hole he needed to fill and I couldn’t, the addiction, in some weird way, temporarily filled it and eventually, he didn’t
    Need the validation amymore, the whole thing became old, mechanical and made him feel a complete fake, he couldn’t do it anymore. I love this emotionally damaged man, he is learning something every day, and being
    The person I married once again. This nightmare that came between us is gone, and we must learn to live with its aftermath. A bet? Sure, but is worth it. I wish you tje best, to find real love with someone who won’t break your heart again. Just make sure you are OVER him, the divorce and the pain, otherwise you’ll be acting out of revenge, and very soon, you will start to feel like a fake human being. Validate and work on your feelings, I guess once you don’t hold a grudge for you ex, that’s when you are ready to date…but keep your eyes open, check Public Records to make sure the men are honest, and go from there. Good luck!

  38. the "evil other woman"

    To Moda….
    Finally a woman that gets it !
    When men get caught cheating, sure they are sorry, they promise never to cheat again, they go to therapy…. just the price to pay.
    My MM always told me if his”W” ever found out she would divorce him.
    I always assured him she would not, she is spoiled, she can be bought.
    He got caught….
    its been 10 months…. she is still with him.
    Men take a calculated risk because it has been shown time & time again she probably won’t leave.
    By staying… you are condoning this behavior.
    But you love him ?
    Too bad he doesn’t love you.
    How can a man do that do his “W” ,lie, deceive, pre-meditate, show such blatant respect for you, your feelings, your marriage, & your family… those are truly “un-loving ” acts.
    Cheating is the ultimate betrayal, an act of hate, act of retaliation,an act resentment his has toward you.
    Stay with a cheater…. you will never have any peace of mind.
    By staying you show him you have no respect for yourself, so why should he ?
    He does not !
    Moda ,
    Thanks for being a strong, wise ,woman “warrior ” !
    One strike HE IS OUT !
    Know & show your worth !
    xoxo
    the “evil other woman”

  39. Never, never stay with a cheater!!!! I have lived with one for 54 Years. Get out while you can still build a life. I would go so far as to say stay away from men . They are not worth the little finger of a good women. I have lived a long time and men come from a place most women will never understand. A word to the wise.

  40. TEOW, So you got what you wanted and needed…..to validate yourself by being able to lure away a married man…..interesting, but you really don’t seem like you are a truly happy person…..most people who like to step on others are usually doing it to boost themselves. A self-esteem problem. I would avoid court if I were you. But you have to live and learn I guess. One more chance to step on others so that you can feel better. What do you want the outcome of this to be? I do hope you can find out the source of your inner needs and why you would be ok with this in your life. Don’t you want more? And if not, why not? Sad.

  41. the "evil other woman"

    I have looked at so many statistics regarding infidelity.
    Approx. 75-80% of all affairs are never discovered.
    Of those 25-20% of those that are discovered…”many”( stats un-documented) stay in the marriage.
    No wonder so many men cheat….. the odds are in their favor !
    xoxo the “evil other woman”

  42. the "evil other woman"

    Jess…
    I did not want or “need to valdate myself, by “luring a MM “.
    He pursued me.
    Please , you are giving yourself WAY too much credit.
    I couldn’t care less about the “W”.
    No….. I AM NOT THE ONE WITH A SELF-ESTEEM PROBLEM !
    Yes, I am certain YOU wouldn’t go to court, because you , like so many “W” are true “wimps”, that is why ,you cry, whine about your “H” seeking a OW attention…. then when you find …..out you don’t know what to do ????????????? Woe is me !
    DUMP THE CHUMP !
    I on the other hand will and do stand up for my self ,my legal rights !
    That is called self esteem !
    I would have taken this to my grave, I never wanted his “W” to know…
    BUT HE SURE DID !
    She grilled him all night long, just had to know my name.
    If all the lies this man has told, why did he tell her the truth about me ?
    He could have made up a fake name…. but he told her ,she spent most of the morning Googling me.I bet she is sorry about that !
    Ladies , leave me/us the OW out of your “psycho- dramas ! ”
    Take the matter up with your “H” and leave me out of it,
    it will come back to bite you !
    Your refering to more ?
    I don’t understand…. more of your narrow-minded judgement ?
    No thanks… but if it builds your self esteem… go ahead, your opinion matters none to me.Sorry but you sound sad to me 🙁
    xoxo

    1. Patagonia1 – Thanks so much for your well wishes. I have seen enough stories to know a key indicator of weather or not a marriage can survive infidelity is when I see or hear ‘I now see the man I married’ or ‘We have grown so much from this experience’, if I see that, I know they have something positive going for them. It’s almost like this deep form of love that many do not get to experience. So good for you. I agree with you, staying married is not for everyone, as I am divorced, but if it is for you to stay – all the power and best to you. I am going to reach out to you soon to be a part of the positive recovery section of the site so that you can be an inspiration to others in the journey!

      **Oh and thank you for wishing me well in future relationships. I have been living on my own for over 2 years, didn’t date much at all during that time, it was more of a cleansing mental process, I am now in a relationship which actually surprises the heck out of me, I thought that was so far down the road. I am enjoying myself, an no matter what happens, I am enjoying the present. Thanks again!!

  43. To Jewels,

    Thank you and Im happy for you!! You sound like someone who has made peace ad is ready to live again!! I would love the opportunity to be part of the recovery section…. But I tell you…I personally, still have a long way to go. Inside I mean, I am still fighting flashbacks and studying his every word…it will happen, these will stop but t it will take time for ME to heal, maybe, even longer than our relationship.

  44. For those like me,
    I found and read this site last year while my husband was in the middle of his affair. I was going nuts; I thought my heart would just drop out of my chest; how could this be happening?? We were so perfect and previously, I’d not had one worry in the world…..
    What I found here… a lot of bitter women. Women saying he HAD an affair and I don’t have to accept it. Well my husband was HAVING an affair and I couldn’t find anyone on any site in a similar position to talk to.
    What do I do? It WAS such a perfect marriage and partnership.
    Do I take part of the blame? I was going through menopause and was not the most joyous sexual partner. I was spending an awful lot of my attention on my job.
    He was ripe for men-erpause or mid-life crisis; 49 staring at 50.
    He’d fallen in love with a 29 year old Russian gal on the internet. They were IMing every day at work; Skyping most nights after work before he came home. He’d flown her to Turkey for a week of fun and frolic at the beginning of their relationship – while I was away at a certification course for work.
    He was/is a poor liar. I knew what was going on from that fateful week. What to do? I was dying.
    Now my situation is a little different. We live overseas so just walking to the corner for a lawyer was not available. Just moving out to your sister’s – not available. I didn’t want to move home to the states. This foreign country is my home and his job affords me all the rights to be here. What do I do? I’m dying.
    I wouldn’t/couldn’t talk to any friends or family. I had two ex-husbands and couldn’t take a third failure. I’m a normal, easy going, low maintenance wife. How could I have gotten it so wrong three times?? I’d only wanted one husband, my whole life.
    Lucky for me I’m a logical. I don’t carry the heavy emotional female gene – but what do I do? I’m dying and he knows it.
    For 10+ months I had to analyze and calculate my words, emotions, and actions. I’d decided he was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I had LOVED!!!!!!! my life. We had the perfect life. We lived where we loved and felt physically connected to our community. We would not live anywhere else in the world than the hamlet we are in. We had all the money we needed. I held on to one tiny string I’d read. Mid-life crisis is temporary. Something every man has to go through, like a second puberty. He fit the bill for those that statistically suffer the worst: first born males and successful. What do I do? I’m dying?
    Very early on when I knew he was not going to ‘just end it’, I wrote up a separation agreement. #1 we would not touch the bank accounts for a year. I knew this to be the most important thing and the one requiring the most trust between us. If either of us went for the cash the castle would fall. Every move, every decision – what would be the consequence? If I did this, the castle would fall, if I did that, the castle would fall. I did not want to leave my home, my perfect community, my life, my neighbors, my style of life…… I very quickly went back and told him the separation agreement was off the table. I was not going to give him an out. I was not leaving and I was not going to give him a divorce. I’m holding my ground as the alpha female. I didn’t care how many stars were in their eyes; I was going to be in the way – the whole way! I knew if he moved out… he’d fall. If it wasn’t her, he’d be off in young women heaven and destroy himself. He’d never get back. Would I let him come back? I’d hope not.
    Now he could have moved out… but there was one problem. He LOVED our life to. He knew he’d gotten everything he’d ever wanted in life. He’d found the promise land. Could he now leave it?
    So now what? I’m still dying every day….. All I can do is hold on, fight for my man (which means waking up the sexual goddess that had taken a hike with my periods), and talk openly about HER each night. All I could do is play on his logic to keep him on my hook. Logically, he knew life with her would be all wrong. He’d have to start over at square one with a whole new family. Half of his poker buddies were married to young eastern women and they complained how the new two year old was always crying. I’m his perfect mate; he’d say… you’re just… old. Did I say I was dying?
    The year before I’d never felt so confident in my marriage. I’d found someone that didn’t care that I’d gained 10 pounds and the wrinkles were getting deeper (I’m a few years older than him). How could it all have snapped and broken so completely – so quickly?
    “He’s 49 staring at 50”…….. he’s dying the gray in his beard and chest….. this man-erpause HAS TO BE temporary!
    I did the only thing I could. I had to out wait her. Of course, when my logical, listening self, cracked, and I broke down, I’d call her his whore etc. He’d say no, she’s a good girl, and actually your twin self – just younger, (oh yea!) I had to wait her out. If she’s such a ‘good girl’ how long could she be the ‘other woman’?
    I’d written to her once. Just to make sure she heard from me. I told her ‘thank you’ – you’d shown me what marriage vows really are. Richer/poorer, sickness/health (was he sick?), good times and in bad. Yelling at her would do no good. They were ‘in love…….’ Letting her know that she’d woken up our sex life and it hadn’t been so good since the beginning… priceless.
    Did I know that when we made love he probably was fantasizing about her? That when he held me each night… that he was dreaming of her..? Of course, I’m not stupid, but he’s still here. He’s not moved out.
    I had to wait for her. He wasn’t going to end it. He always has to have the last word and he’s winning at most angles. SHE had to snap him out of it. SHE had to end his men-erpause. SHE had to say good-bye and not respond to his pleas. I’m still dying…….. can I make it? Her best friend was having a ten year extra marital affair with an older man as well – would she?
    He’d been asking her for months ‘why are you sticking with me, perhaps we should end this?’ and she could see he wasn’t moving out… Who wouldn’t stay with him? The other 90% of the time he was singing romantically to her. How did I know?? Because he romanced me away from everything in my previous life to win me to. We talked about it. I wasn’t going to give him the freedom to hide. I had to toss in every logical little chip into that door I could.
    Finally………… she was giving up on the hope they’d be together… finally… I could hope for an end to the tunnel. Finally, she closed the door after 10 months of my hell.
    Now was everything peachy? Of course, not. I had to live from day to day trying to believe it was over. Was it over? Three good days together and I’d crash. A week of good days together and crash. Could it truly be over? Finally? Can I believe him? Do I trust him? How can I trust him after all the lies?
    One of the hardest steps… shutting my mouth. I’d had to bite back comments for a year to try and hold it together. Now I had to shut my mouth… believing it was over or not.. were they still corresponding occasionally as friends??? Wasn’t he still here with me? Didn’t I win? Have we made it past his mid-life crisis?? Stop talking! Stop accusing… let his emotional self come back……..
    The end came 5-6+ months ago. Do I still wonder if there is an occasional email? Yes. Do I dare say anything? No. LET IT LIE!!! Biting my tongue on the possibility of an occasional email vs. going back to ‘dying’….. Keep your mouth shut!!! Hold on to the ‘good’ relationship that has returned. Don’t rock the boat. Hold on to the good… MOVE ON………. Build more together… move on… continue to pray it’s over and doesn’t return… move on…

  45. Dear Ann from USA,
    Your letter moved me so much. You are one strong and determined woman!!! And your advice is perfect. My problem is different than most women here too. My husband’s mid life crisis began when he was about 45 years old and lasted 8 years….he didn’t have “an” affair… He was a sex addict whose thing was to seduce vulnerable women -some older than me- who were on dating sites. At the beginning, he did go to escorts and craigslist, but then his focus was on Datong sites. He was home on the weekends….just 2-3 dinners a week… At the beginning and through this my oldest daughter was battling bulimia, we had two younger kids too and I was working, so my focus wasn’t on him. He did have a traumatic childhood, so this was his way of coping. I found out everything last May 2012, when accidentally, he left his email open ( l never had the pasaword). I found secret email accounts, dating sites accounts and…a secret file with Passwords, pictures of some of the women, eith details of their meeting….it was shocking yo say the least. I couldnt even breath….HOW could I have been so blindsided? We’ve been married for 26 years, together for 29 years….HOW???? So the bejavior had stopped 7 months prior to this D day, of it had been active I would have left. He went to therapy, is doing everything he didnt do all that time in terms of being attentive, sweet, but he is someone that is just not very affective, his entire life was based on a huge lie since his Mon died when he was 12….He says he NEVER once thought of leaving me, tjat this womeneant mothing to him… But the emails he wrote, how sweet and seductive he was….I cant get that out of my head. SO, I need to shut up too. It’s been 10 months and I’ve brought this up every day… He says I need to make up my mind and if I forgive him then move on, but how to rebuild trust? My heart is broken, he is just not who I thought he was so is very hard. He is doing everything -almost- right, but is the little things that matter, the little comenta and such amd that’s where he fails, or am I being paranoid? It could be.
    I am going to follow your lead and shut up and see what happens…thank you and I wish you both well.

  46. Hi Jenna,

    My situation is similar, my husband cheated sooradically after 6 uears of marriage and then through a sex addiction for 8 years. He stopped, on his own, completely and then….I found out. My life has not being the same and I doubt ot will ever be. My heart, the trust, how I see him that’s all broken….I needed to see this for what it was. An addiction. The compulsivity, the mechanical planning, the risks he took, this was not juat cheating this was crazy. So he stopped. The last 10 months I have been carrying this burden too, he tells me the ball is in my court but I never wanted to play this game…anyway. My life would not be better without his recovered self, I dont want another woman to enjoy him recovered, happy. your husband needs help, if he can’t stop he needs eesidential treatment. This is an Addiction, nothing else and he needs help. Now you….you need help to understand it and accept it and find out if you can actually rebuild trust. To me, that’s the hardest part. But if he is willing to accept change, and you see a difference in him, the way he acts around you, he is an open book, sensitive, caring and all…. Dont listen to anuone but yourself and your psychologist…. Most marriages that go through a sex addiction, sirvive. We only hear about the ones that don’t.
    Good luck and hugs to you!

  47. hurtin 4 certain

    I am wondering about something.
    How many of you decided to divorce your cheating husbands ?
    How long did it take for you to decide ?
    Right away ? or did you go through counseling , then decide ?
    I found out via a text 10 months ago, that he was having an affair. Of course he is sorry, but he also told me the affair lasted 3 yrs and he was on a website to cheat.
    I feel so stupid, I hate to lose him , but I just don’t think I can get over this.
    10 months and counting…. is that enough time to decide or wait ?
    Still thinking to leave him.
    Please share your thoughts.

    1. Hi Hurt for something,
      I think that it depends on the situation – if it has been 10 months past, the key question is – progress, has their been any progress. I will tell you the journey is slow, to rebuild the foundation of trust after a 3 year affair is no easy tasks, therapists on average say it takes at least 2 years. Do you feel the foundation of trust is being rebuilt? Do you feel mentally stuck? If reference to therapy, it will help you and your husband process the pain. You might have to go through several before you get to one that is good for you. Or you might need to go to therapy alone, which I recommend as well. If after 10 months, you are just as frustrated, your husband has made efforts but not enough to where you feel any better, then it’s time to sit with him and go over what is working and what is not working. Maybe it’s time for therapy. Maybe it’s time to read a book on overcoming affairs. As long as both of you are willing to communicate and humble yourselves to trying and doing whatever it takes to save the marriage you have a good shot. If on the other hand your husband wants things to work out without any effort, then you have to think about how that will impact you and the marriage. Take care!

  48. Dear Hurt,
    I agree with Jewels, every situation is different, everyone is different. In the end what you need is empathy from him, remorse and 100% openness about everything in his life, complete transpsrency. There is a reason he stayed with you. And there’s a reason he went online. And usually it is a very low self esteem which many men seem to “boost” through this game of lying, cheating and sex. It really is sad that the only way they can feel good about themselves is through their “p…s”. In all, and I dont know your situation, many times it is an addiction and they truly cant stop. But if he stopped before you found out… He stopped because he wanted to and not because you caught him, which is good. I know how you feel, for me its been 10 months too, and my husband carried on hundreds of short term affairs with no emotional connection for 8 years. He stopped 7 months prior To me finding out and I know for a fact because After finding out by chance, I hacked everything he had, and this time he was telling the truth. So I looked at WHY and tried to put the HOW aside and found out his childhood was SO much more traumatic than I thought! Even his sister, wirh 4 kids and a wonderful husband, cheated. These kids were emotionally abandoned and the pain had to come out somehow. Give your marriage a chance. Like Jewels said find the right therapist, get it all out but also, DO things together, create new memories. It is possible to recover and to have a stronger marriage. You now have a husband who is not hiding and is probably relieved the secret is out. I hope he understands what a huge burden he put on you and does everything he can to make you feel loved and safe in your relationship. If this is the case, give it one chance, that’s my situation too. ONE chance, everyone deserves one.

  49. MIR from USA – My gosh! I hope you have ended this relationship once and for all and have blocked all contact with this MEGA-JERK!
    Wake-Up-Call: This guy has been cheating on you the whole time, sister. You don’t really think those nights away from home were just to be with his guy friends, do you? uh… No. Sorry. Dude’s a cheater.
    He has rejected you and your baby. He wants nothing to do with this relationship except to use it. He is a cake-eater – wants to have his cake and eat it to. You’ve told him it’s over and taken him back too many times for him to take you seriously. He doesn’t, because you don’t mean it.
    You should. Why would you wait for an answer from him? It isn’t his decision, it’s yours. Why would you want him? You can’t trust him and he doesn’t want to be there. It’s over. Kick his dirty butt to the curb and be done with it.

  50. the “evil other woman” from usa –

    I agree with everything you said in your initial post… almost. I can’t speak to that part where you talk about your relationship with the married man only being temporary. That part would apply to you, but not everybody. The rest of that post probably applies nearly universally.

    See, I was all prepared to just agree with you… Then I read the post where you said “You and your husbands are to blame, and what he is lacking , he will ALWAYS seek from someone else. IT’S YOUR OWN ,DAMN FAULT !”

    You see, my ex couldn’t even keep up with ME, so I don’t know how he found it in him to seek out somebody else. Well, I understand it now. It has to do with the fact that he is a malignant narcissist who has unresolved oedipal issues. You know, the whole Madonna/Whore thing. But that is a topic for another day.

    Ah.. but then I read on, and I saw your post in reply to my much earlier post. And I thank you for recognizing me as a woman who gets it. I wrote that post just shortly after I left him.

    Please understand – a man who cheats is just that… a man who cheats. I do agree that once a woman knows that her man cheats, if she stays, she is condoning by her action. There may be a rare exception to that rule. And I do mean rare. But he had a choice long before he cheated. He could have ended his relationship first. That would have been the right thing to do.

    I never blamed the OW. When my ex cheated, I put the blame squarely where it belongs – on him. HE was the one who had made a commitment to me, who had promised me loyalty, and in whom I had placed my trust. She owed me nothing. The only “homewrecker” is the one who cheats – not the OW.

    He was a cake-eater who only wanted to have his cake and eat it too because I was quite a prize for him. He lost much when he lost me. I won’t tolerate being disrespected like that.

  51. the "evil other woman"

    To Moda,
    That old cliche, “it takes TWO to tango. IMO a wife is copable in all the ” cheating mess.”
    For a funny, fresh perspective go to http://www.ChumpLady.com
    Maybe you all can gain some insight.
    Love,
    the “evil other woman” xoxo

  52. EOW,
    A wife is culpable of just one thing: trusting soneone that deceived her very well . If there’s any fault in that at all. Too bad us wives married young and in love and believed the fairy tale…I will never experience that “up in the clouds” feeling of complete and I mean complete trust. I was naive and he was a Wolf in a man’s clothes, he not only deceived me but his family, friends, coworkers, children and yes…himself. He was going to do whatever he wanted, as he always did. HOW dare you say a wife has part of the blame? My H had a sex addiction, and he kept it secret, and I allowed him to have secrets passwords and give me stupid explanations…NOT because I did’t care, because I trusted him 100%. I thought I married someone as honest, strong and committed as Me. Instead I married an emotionally damaged human being, a weak, selfish and entitled excuse of a person to be MY husband….the father of my children. SO that’s what I feel guilty about… Abandoning all senses and succumbing to love and passion, in following my heart and not my mind, that is my fault. NOT his cheating. Now this man I described is little by little returning to the person he was, that I married, he is doing ALL he can to make up. For all those years. Of course I will never have that abandonent I had, I will never perhaps, fully trust him, but in all, my life without him wouldn’t be better but worse. SO there are men out there who change, my H never jad a relationship with anyone and went to great lenghts to avoid becoming emotionally involved, so there were more women than anyone can imagine, but to him they meant nothing more than a catch. His Ego boosted, his ego reaffirmed, validated and now let’s move on to the next one. NO, that was not ever MY fault.

  53. ChumpLady.com is my favorite site. There is no better place anywhere on this tangled web to learn and heal after you find out that you’ve been cheated… or, for that matter, even if you just have a hunch.

    Everybody who has posted here could learn much from that site.

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