Is my cheating spouse serious about working things out? – Part II – Action

When I first found out about the affair, my ex-husband said he wanted to work things out. I believed him. But in time, his actions were not adding up to the words that were coming out of his mouth. All talk – no action. I was driving the affair recovery even though he cheated!

Part II of this post (View Part I here) is about action after the affair.

Ask your husband to take action and drive the recovery efforts. And if he doesn’t know what to do, it is ok to work with him, some effort is much better than no effort.

Words have little value after an affair because most cheaters lie and keep secrets during the affair. Once you are a considered a liar in the marriage, your words hold little value. Trust has to be earned after an affair.

If your husband cheated, tell him that you are going to evaluate his actions for the next couple of weeks to see if he is really committed to working things out. There are many things he can do, he can purchase some books on relationships, set up counseling meetings, set up time for both of you to talk.

The biggest obstacle is that some men are often uncomfortable with therapy and do not want to sit and talk about cheating. But a husband that is willing to be a little uncomfortable and humble himself in order to help the marriage shows he is serious about working on the marriage.

Watch his actions, not his words.

4 thoughts on “Is my cheating spouse serious about working things out? – Part II – Action”

  1. My husband started his affair before he left for Iraq. On Valentines day I received A dear Jill card ending our marriage once he returned. After a 1 1/2 years of screwing around with a girl have his age and putting himself in debt. He asked for forgiveness and said he was wrong, everything was his fault and he wanted to start over. We talked for entire day, and I let him come back home. But since then have regreted my decision. He sits around playing x-box and constantly chatting on face book. Don’t get me wrong he goes to work everyday, comes straight home, Or at least I think he does, he gets out of work an 1 1/2 before I do. But get home same time as me, he said he has to make up time for his rehab appointment for post dramatic stress from Iraq. So I don’t question but have my doubts, he is constantly texting on his phone, or gets calls late. Occasionally he will make like he is running to his car to get coffee mug or lunch box he forgot to bring in and sits and talks. If I comment I am not trusting him, he never has money, but he is always sending 25- 30 dollars several times a week to differen’t women who he said are friends and need his help. I know I am stupid for thinking this can work again. But I truly care about this jerk. What other signs can I look for to prove he is still cheating. He never goes any where on weekends is always home. Is there anything I can do to get him to turn over finance papers to see what he now gets paid, for he still is not paying his bills. He always has late notices and over drawn checks. He is now trying to borrow from me and we are getting into fights about money all the time. I cannot support him and pay my own bills my grocery bill has triples and utilities doubled since he moved back. Do I have the right to ask for help from him or rent?

    1. Hi Tilly,

      Based on what you wrote, it seems like something is off. It doesn’t see right that he has money to send friends but can not help you as the wife with rent. As far as proving he is cheating, the truth is already revealing itself by his actions. He should not have to go to the car to talk, or sending other women money. unless you both agreed that talking to other women in private is acceptable in your marriage.

      I think it might be time for another heart to heart with him, expressing your concerns. Also it might be a good idea to see if you both can enter marriage counseling, to see if you can get some assistance with these issues, you both have been through alot and with the compounding money problems, getting some help from an outside source is an option. Ultimately you have to decide what is the next best step for your particular situation. And if your intuition tells you something is not right, listen to it.

  2. Tilly,

    I am going through the same thing! I just found out over the weekend that my husband, who does the exact same thing that yours does, has been cheating on me for the past two years of our marriage. I am devastated. He is bending over backwards to fix things and is very apologetic and has been crying and telling me that it was not anything to do with me that he loves me and everything is fine, but that something is “wrong with him”. I always suspected, but never had proof. I found lengthy text messages on his phone that said everything and he fully admitted to it. I hope that you can find the proof that you need, but if not… If there’s no trust and you’re constantly suspicious you have to ask yourself ” is it worth it?” Good luck to you!

    1. Hi Karoline,

      I hope you are doing ok, to find out your husband has been cheating for 2 years is a tough pill to swallow. Stay strong and know that everything happens and everything is shown for a reason. If he is apologetic make sure he leads getting you both professional marriage counseling if that is what you decide is needed. Hugs to you!

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