Is my cheating spouse serious about working things out? – Part I – Responsibility

Many people cheat. Few put in the time and effort it takes to recover. I have noticed some significant trends among those marriages that are able to survive infidelity versus those that do not make it. In this 3 part blog post, I am going to tackle some of the considerations that should take place to determine if you should work on your marriage.

The first question you should ask yourself is

1. Is my cheating husband taking responsibility for his actions involving the affair?

Often you will find a cheating husband will make up in his mind that he deserves to cheat. And usually the reason he feels he deserves to cheat has to do with the wife. He might feel that the wife nags too much, doesn’t have sex enough, or that she is not appreciative. After the cheater is caught, they have to decide if they will continue to blame the wife or accept full responsibility for their actions.

This is important factor to evaluate because if your husband can stand up and own his infidelity, versus blaming saying the wife ‘drove him to cheat’, you have a better chance of recovering from the affair.

There is nothing more frustrating than trying to convince a cheater that they are wrong for cheating. Each person in the marriage has to be accountable for his/her actions. I made mistakes in the marriage, and while I would love to say ‘my ex-husband’ drove me to act a certain way, but honestly I have to be the owner of my actions.

So if your spouse is truly committed to working things out, he will admit that he was wrong for cheating versus blaming you for the affair. If he is consistently blaming you for the affair, then he will consistently depend of you for all aspects of recovery, which makes married life very difficult.

Click here for part II

10 thoughts on “Is my cheating spouse serious about working things out? – Part I – Responsibility”

  1. I am not new to the ‘cheating’ husband thang; i have been together with my spouse for 8yrs, married 6, and have four boys. the first time he cheated on my was when I was with my youngest, I found the cards/letters and not only confronted him but her as well in my own home, yes I was very calm. after said and done he told me and promised there would be no more,…so I thought. wanting to get away from the state we were in at the time I joined the Army(some years down the road like 4). during my basic training, as I gave him a chance, as he asked, I fininally finished basic and A school to find out at my duty station by calls, my oldest telling me, and a pornograhpic letter found, that he had been carring on another affiar with a different woman for a term of 6 months.. currently once again filled with saddness and feeling so alone, he is emotionally and confirmed (found voicemail via cell phone) attatched to yet another women he met at a friends wedding (unable to go because of kids being in school and out of state). I confronted this woman via text and told her the deal, she gave the impression and said that he (my spouse) told her that we were seperated, far from. now I am unsure what to do, I have altered my self (hair cut and dye) to gain his eye, for him to notice me,..it appears he does, but when I tell him I love him (through text) I get ” I know” and nothing back..I make efforts in telling him to his face but the same isnt felt coming from him..I want it to work but fear he may not want to…I am lost in many different way and so damn confused,…I hurt. I will do my best in reading what information is posted to gain a little of myself back again,..for me,..for my boys. Thank You for letting me get some of it out.

    1. Hi Mary,

      First, thank you for serving, much appreciated. Mary, my first thought after reading your story is to tell you that as much as we sometimes want to, you can not force a man to be faithful. You can be the hottest thing in town, but he can still cheat. Not saying this is your husband, but some men cheat because they can, and often it has to do with their own insecurities, which is something you can’t fix. It seems like he is not putting for the effort within the marriage. And I know it hurts, but you can’t force it. BUT, you can focus on the one thing you have total control of, and that is what you focus on. You also have total control over your intent. So next time you want to look hot, don’t do it for him, do it for you. Do it because you want to look sexy for YOU, and if he happens to notice, lucky for him. If he doesn’t appreciate you, appreciate yourself until someone else does. I know you have 4 boys so no need to make any major decisions at this time, but a mental shift will really help you to get the right perspective on the situation.Take Care!

  2. I found my husband cheating again, for the third time. We married at a very young age. I would have never ever thought that he would have the audacity to cheat on me. The first time he did it was on our 7th year. (He may have cheated before, unknown to me) The girl was a common friend. The second time he cheated was a year after the first. He only confessed on the second affair when I caught him cheating again for the 3rd time. The 3rd time was after 14 years of being married to him.
    After I caught him cheating, he blamed me for cheating. He also beat me repeatedly when I attacked the girl. He never made any efforts in ending his relationship with the girl. He felt it his responsibility to protect the whore. His perception of the whole affair is distorted. He believes that the more I attack her, I am simply driving him away. The girl is very keen in making him feel insecure and jealous. Obviously he is not over her. He cannot stand it when the girl FLIRTS with other men. I am still in a limbo because until now, it hasn’t completely sink in my troubled mind that the marriage is over.

  3. Gerri I feel your pain. I just found out my husband cheated on me again with the same girl. This has been going on for almost a year. The first time we were going to work it out. I truly believe he didn’t have contact with her. She was also going around lying saying that she was pregnant. Which turned out not to be true I found out 4 days ago that they have been messing around again. She is now 4 months pregnant. He says he want to work our marriage out what can he do. I said let’s call her he gives me a disconnected number, and says that’s the number he has. Still lying. I’m so hurt. All I do is cry. I spoke to the girl and when I say girl she is 19 yrs old. She say he says he is happy about the baby but he says to me that there is a possibility its his he is not sure. I know it is his baby. This little girl is obsessed with him.I really feel your pain. I’m sorry we have to go through this.

  4. Also Gerri I know its easier said than done but time will heal I just wish I had a time machine for the both of us. The question now is to stay or go its just so hard

    1. Moe and Gerri,

      I know this might sound painful, but the first time cheating happens in the marriage, there is a slight chance you can make it. If he cheats the second time, slim to none. The problem is if you take him back after the second time, in his mind he thinks ‘oh she will never leave me’ and he will find a way to continue.

      Both of you deserve better and can find better men!!

      Gerri – it concerns me that you said he beat you, I don’t care what the reason is, it’s cowardly to put your hands on a women – period. Please do me a favor, if you ever decide to leave or even if you decide to tell him it’s over, make sure you have family and friends present, do not do it alone with him. Take care of yourself and be safe.

  5. Me and my husband were married this summer in June, his old phone there was a text yhat came through , it was another woman saying when can we meet he was at work when I confronted him through a text messages and said he told her he was married. She asked me can I call you so we talked I told her he is married and he lured to her about that she said I am so sorry. Not only just that I found more numbers on his phone and pictures of women some clothes and some not he got very defensive with me over the phone I said he was sorry I made a mistake and won’t do it again. Well he has been on dating sites pretending he his single I am very hurt I don’t know what to do I don’t know if he has a problem or what

    1. Sweatpea,
      Yes, he has a problem. He has a problem trying to get with other women because he is married. He has a problem getting defensive. He has a problem just saying sorry he won’t do it again. It is going to take more than a sorry to fix this.
      I know you just got married, but you really have to think to yourself if you want to deal with this the rest of your life. It hasn’t even been a month. I know two women, one that found out about cheating a week before the wedding, she called it off. Another one a month into the marriage, she immediately got divorced. I bet if you ask to see his phone he will get defensive, and ironically. Transparency is key to rebuilding trust. From what you wrote, I don’t get the feel that he is really ready to address this, it seems like he still wants to play. Do you have kids together? If not, please do not try, it’s not the time, if you don’t listen to anything else remember no trying to have kids. Deal with this first. Take care, I know it sucks to find this right after getting married but better to know his behavior now, versus later.

  6. I have been with my husband for 14 years and he just cheated on me for the 4th time he says its over but I look in his phone and there she is under unicorn then I look more and they talked every night I was working on and on Oct 31st he picks me up from work where I just did 17 hour shifts he says I’m going to a girls house to have dinner and doesn’t come home till 11am next morning he works with this women and he says they only talk bout work but I can see it still hiding phone never touches me sits on his phone for hours I don’t know what to do the said if I contact her he will leave me but I beg & plead with him that me talking to her may give me closure I don’t know I’m so confused can’t eat or sleep I want to stay and rebuild our marriage takes team work and I don’t see him wanting to make a commitment to just me how and when will I wake up from this nightmare?

  7. We have been married for 29 years known each other for 33 years have two kids in their 20s. I found out about the OW a year ago and through my own investigation have found they have been seeing each other for over 2 years. He is trying to make a come back, says I am the love of his life but continues to be in contact with this OW. He has created another life for himself without my knowledge and it is a killer to my self esteem and to having any knowledge of what the future holds. I am out of the country much of the year and he has always been here with us but now has gone back to our home town where he hooked up with this woman. She is not young which is what I would have expected….she is a year older than me and a drinker…not in good health. I confronted her when she called him on my phone and she was indignant and said she would not talk to me woman to woman….that I would have to talk to my husband about it all. He disappears whenever he feels he is going to be confronted so it is very hard with no communication from him. he loves our kids and says he can’t stand the thought of loosing his family. Has recently started to open up and be helpful with all that we have aquired over the years. I am very confused and feel like I am on a constant merry go round….one day up and hopeful the next full of anxiety and grief. Ive got a good support group but its hard for anyone to imagine being with someone so long…a lifetime and then having that person not around. Some of my friends say move on and some say hang in there. I feel very disrespected and lost. I am a self sufficient strong woman normally but this whole affair has knocked the wind out of my sails….cant imagine starting a new life this late in life. Thinking things will never be the same even is he gets over his andropause. Whats the hardest thing….I still am in love with the guy!!!!

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