Interesting Perspective About Cheating From A Woman And My Response

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Interesting Perspective About Cheating From A Woman And My Response post image

Photo courtesy of Alyssa L. Miller https://www.flickr.com/photos/alyssafilmmaker/

The message in this post was submitted to the ‘My Story’ section of the site. I decided to post it here instead together with my response. The woman who wrote it was not directly involved in an affair, but she has seen the impact of cheating on someone close to her.

Baytta writes:

“Here is the hard truth….He has cheated on you, and you have just discovered your husband has had a long term relationship with someone else. You have children, you are devastated, and your primary response is to keep him. Ladies, think long and hard before you decide to give this man another chance. You will never know the real truth about this man, only what he has told you, and you have convinced yourself to believe the fabricated story you have created in your head about their relationship. This is not real. The truth is in most long-term affairs, very deep feelings develop for the two people involved…and sometimes love. If he has convinced you he wants to work it out, that is only because of financial ties, children, and family pressure—not because he loves you. He will always think of the other woman and hope they will have a chance to be together again in the future. You both had a fair chance to be together, you were able to date freely, go on vacations, spend time together openly, unlike the other woman he fell in love with, and the bottom line is that he strayed from you for a reason he will only know. Does he love you? Did he ever love you? Has he fallen out of love with you? He will never regret what he did, although he will tell you that he does. The truth of the matter is, the days he spent with this other woman were probably the best days of his life, so much so that he risked everything to be with her. He will always think of her and secretly desire her. He will never respect you the same way, because he fooled you, once again, into staying married. It will only be a matter of time until he will do it again. Unlike what society likes to believe, (she’s a sleaze (sic), he is scum etc.) usually long-term affairs genuinely happen to good people who have become vulnerable, who have stayed in their marriages for the “children’s sake” and simply feel trapped, or are very unhappy and have fallen out-of-love with their partners. You need to ask yourself, do I want to spend the rest of my life with a man that stayed married to me for all the wrong reasons? Give yourself time before you decide you want to give this man another chance. If you at least allow yourself some time before holding on to him as if he were the only man left on earth, he and everyone else will at least respect you…you will develop some self-respect, and self-worth. Does he really deserve a second chance? If only you were able to see him in action with this other woman, and more importantly, be able to witness the emotional involvement he had with someone else, I can guarantee you that any woman, sane in mind, would NEVER give him a second chance.”

My response:

“Baytta, it’s hard to explain the situation unless you have been cheated on by a husband, that’s the plain, simple truth. Trust me; no one who has been through this will debate me on this point: our primary response is not to stay—far from it. We don’t stay because we believe his story; we stay because we said “for better or worse.” We stay because if we leave, we can’t afford to raise our kids alone without moving to a bad neighborhood. We stay because if we leave, we will go into foreclosure or bankruptcy. We stay because when you’re married, you are in a legal contractual agreement with another person. Your life savings, your money, your house, everything is tied up in this person, so you can’t just walk away.

You still have family obligations to meet, whether you stay or leave. Many women stay because their kids would be so traumatized by jumping up and leaving. And many stay because love is not like the movies; it takes work, and so does a marriage, and they feel that they should fight for their marriage, so at least then they would leave knowing they gave it a good shot. And last but not least, some women stay in order to prepare to leave mentally, emotionally, and financially, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Now, you ask did he ever love you, and say that the days with the other women are the best days of his life. What you have to realize is that those times were so good because they were fake and artificial. In real relationships, you bring your full self to the table, A-Z. Our husbands accepted us A-Z, so much so that they were willing to marry us. The relationship one has in an affair isn’t a full one. The people engaging in affairs are just giving themselves A-D (A: flirting, B: sex, C: fantasy/lies, D: companionship). It’s not a full person engaging on either side—it’s a fantasy. And we all like fantasies, until real life comes along.

I disagree with what you’ve said about the best time of his life being the relationship he had with the other woman., If that were the case, why is the percentage of married men who go marry the woman they cheated with so low? Because they know the relationship is fake; they’re not engaging with these women fully, and if they knew them fully, they wouldn’t have half the chance of getting the ring.

I also disagree with what you said about long-term affairs happening to good people who feel trapped. Affairs happen to people who get lazy in the relationship, are too selfish and ultimately too scared to be honest, so they take the easy way out and cheat. Yes, it’s so easy to cheat, and much harder to stay and work on your marriage. You wrote it in a way that seems like people that cheat are good people who are trapped. Let me tell you, if I have kids and am in a marriage that I hate, I can think of 100 things to do other than cheat, and if all those 100 things don’t work, I would get a divorce. There is no such thing as “being trapped”—that’s just what people say to justify cheating. They cheat instead of getting a divorce because they are selfish and want the family, the house, the kids, and the woman on the side.

I do think that your points about thinking really hard before you give him another chance are valid. That’s something we should all think about. However, your last comment about any how any sane woman should not give her husband another chance is just not true. It’s false statistically, and it’s false emotionally. Giving your husband a second chance is very likely, and it actually happens all the time. I know this, but you probably don’t. There is probably a woman in your family who stayed with her husband after he cheated and who never told anyone because she didn’t want to deal with people who have the same perspective as you.

I do thank you for sharing your perspective. I do think that many women who have not been cheated on by their husbands have the same exact attitude and perspective as you. Ultimately, this is just like when people who don’t have kids say negative things about how you raise your kids, until they have their own and realize that raising kids is not as easy as it looks. It’s the same thing when it comes to cheating husbands. There’s so much more to it that people who haven’t gone through it can see.

  • Susan April 3, 2011, 9:02 PM

    Thank you Jewels for posting this in the format that you did as well as your very concise reply. Battye I feel the need to respond to your post. I can’t help but wonder if you are the “other woman” involved with or had been involved with a married man. I say that because your statements declaring that this man has only stayed due to obligations to their children or family persuasion and that he will “always ” be thinking of the other woman and long to be with her seems to have an air of desperation and fantasy to it. I cant help but be reminded of some of the things my husbands O.W. Said to me via texts, calls and emails trying very hard to convince me that my husband loved her and not me. She was also married yet was willing to do whatever it took to put the final nails into the coffin. As far as your statement regarding us needing to have seen our husbands with these women or grasp the level of love/emotional connection they had shows how little you understand about being the betrayed spouse. The visuals we have in our minds of what they looked like together and what they did and how they talked to each other is as clear as my tv screen across the room right now. Those scenarios are as real as it gets in our minds. We are all very aware of how our husbands were with us in the dating phase, the new love phase, how they kiss, have sex etc… We dont need to have caught them in the act to be able to paint those horrid pictures.With that said I must tell you that until you have experienced a day in our shoes you can’t begin to grasp the gamut of pain and emotions we
    have gone through and will continue to experience on a daily basis to one degree or another. As well as not being one of us you are also not the husband and can’t begin to make such declarations as to how one of our husbands feels let alone lump them all together. Are their men that get daughter and stay married wishing they weren’t? I’m sure there are just as I’m sure there are men that got caught or told on themselves and truly have a sincere desire to right their wrongs and make the marriage work. Love is a decision and sometimes is much easier to say yes to than others. That is true in ALL marriages and most difficult to do once the marriage is ripped apart by infidelity. However that’s not to say that it cant or isn’t being done this very minute in marriages throughout the world.
    Staying in a marriage is much much harder than leaving on so many levels you couldn’t begin to understand. I think most betrayed spouses initial reaction is to leave. The shock and pain is indescribable and it isn’t until each individual starts taking stock of their situation as well as dealing with all the regular life things that are occurring simultaneously that we begin to sort through it all and begin the decision making process.
    As Jewels explained to you, the adulterous relationship was not a real relationship. Everyone was on their fake best behavior(fake because they’re both lying and inflicting pain on others). They have no real life issues as in bills, dinner to make,laundry, flu, kids activities and on and on. They are both feeding each other a line of shit as to how great they are and how bad they have it at home yet when push comes to shove 90% of married men choose to stay with their wives not the fake no problem, no responsibility you’re the greatest guy in the world other woman.
    Both of the people involved in an adulterous relationship are incredibly selfish flawed human beings. I guess I really have a hard time respecting women that don’t respect other women. It sounded like that is how you view us as well as really leaning towards sounding like the other woman. If I’m wrong about that please accept my apologies.
    The decision to stay or leave is anguishing and can change by the second for a lot of us. Our journeys are different yet the pain that we experience is exactly the same and that pain is what binds us together and allows us to support, encourage and share with each other. Those relationships help build our self esteem and confidence. Please don’t look in at us and decide you have the answers for us. You don’t .
    Susan

    If a woman or a man chooses to stay in their marriage after infidelity is an individual decision and cannot be lumped into a few short yet broad generalizations. I am well aware that my husband isn’t the last man on earth. I entered into a covenant of marriage which states for better for worse. Never in my wildest nightmares did I think the worse part would be this painful.

  • Baytta April 4, 2011, 9:29 AM

    Please accept my apologies, as you are right, I am not in that situation and cannot even imagine what it feels like to be deeply betrayed by the one you love. However, I was able to get a very interesting perspective not many people get a chance to see, as the other woman is a dear friend of mine for over 20 years, and the married couple are also “friends” of mine. I am not married, and seriously thinking twice about ever getting married after what I witnessed. The other woman, is actually a wonderful person, in my opinion, she is very naive, and gulible…that is another story all together. This man was after her for a long time – and in my opinion, he finally broke her. She was in therapy for months, never once contacted the man or his wife after her affair, and I was there “picking up the pieces”. I saw his e-mails, the texts, I heard all about the promises…SCARY! And even worse, 3 months after the affair was discovered by his wife, even after his poor wife endured the most painful time in her life, I saw this man flirting up a storm with other mutual friends, married women of course…including me. Also, he contacted his lover to let her know, that every moment he spent with her was real, he thinks about her everyday and said he will find her again. He told her he was only staying with his wife because she has threatened him with his children, finances etc. He also said to her he will never let her go…puke. At the same time, he’s telling (begging) his wife, it meant nothing and he loves her and wants the family to remain together. How can this man do that… say those things??? That’s love??? Please don’t believe that these men “didn’t know what they were doing”, they sure do, and they do it well! They do not live out a “fantasy world” with these other women, they have serious relationships with them. They have fights, they confide in one another on a deep level, and they are connected. As far as I can see, this man has no respect or love for any of these women he destroyed. He just doesn’t deserve his wife. That is why, if his wife only knew the truth about him…I doubt she would give him another chance. Now I know every situation is very different, and not every man is like this jerk…I could only speak for what I have witnessed. I’m hoping that maybe my perspective will somehow help these women see truth in these men they married, and that they deserve better.

  • Susan April 4, 2011, 4:59 PM

    Thank you for responding and clarifying why and how you feel the way you do. I’m glad that you have been helping your friend however keep in mind she didn’t go down that road with a gun to her head. That’s not to say that this man took advantage of her in anyway however she made a lot of bad choices and I truly hope she has learned from them and will grow as an individual.
    I truly believe that these adulterous relationships are fantasy. Yes they all did have the elements of a “real” relationship in the context which you put it in as far as the sharing, fighting, affection etc… But it wasn’t based on real life stuff, it lacked the reality of everyday existence and the give and take through bad times and just the mundane stuff that comes with living day in and day out with another person. That’s why I say it’s fantasy. It’s like always being on the first few dates if you will. You don’t show up on a date with your hair a mess and discuss bills and sick kids and lifes bad days. With that said I acknowledge that yes probably all the people in these relationships make a lot of statements about how great they are and will be to each other and probably paint their marriages out to be a living he’ll. Is that wrong? Absolutely !!!
    I had the reality of what my husband said to her and what they did and shared sent to me in an email from his skanky also married other woman. It was HORRIBLE and haunts me to this day. I do have thoughts that what he was saying to her was his truth and some of it was pure manipulation in order to get his sick twisted needs met. Why would I stay knowing all those things? That’s a very good question and one I struggle with everyday. Who is my husband really? The man I thought I married or the man he told her he would be to her or some combination thereof. It is agonizing and the biggest source of pain imaginable.
    Do I stay and honor my end of the deal and try to build trust? Do I leave and rebuild a life at 52? If I stay am I weak and if I leave am I strong? If I forgive am I condoning? You sound very intelligent so I’m sure you get my point. Infidelity is the hardest thing anyone has to face in a marriage. It is so complex it makes my head spin.
    The man you are describing is a complete jerk and his wife truly deserves better. Are all adulterous men like that? I don’t think so, it seems some men really do face their unfaithfulness and get to the core issues that drove them to such horrible choices. If this man is your only example then I completely understand your reasoning about marriage. Please don’t stop yourself from experiencing the joys of a committed relationship based on that guys character. As a woman I’m a bit biased that we are the superior species. 🙂 😉 however not all men are jerks and not all jerky men stay jerks. That’s why it’s so hard to make the decision to leave the marriage. Please don’t quit on a chance for a good relationship before it’s started. Don’t let that jerk or even our cheating husbands block you from having what is possible for you. Make the decision to commit with your eyes wide open.
    If I’m to be truly honest I can see that I ignored signs of some deep character flaws in my husband. They began to emerge earlier in our marriage as far as his selfishness, tremendous need for approval from others and lack of transparency. I had no idea these unresolved issues went as deep and would bring such catastrophic events into my life.
    Divorced women statistically drop into a lower socio-economic category than divorced men do. We face enormous hardships financially even when we weren’t wealthy to begin with. Does this factor in to our turmoil as to whether we stay or go? Of course it does and that creates further fear and low self worth. We feel we have no safe place to land. If my husband had done all this before my injury. I am recuperating from a broken neck and havent worked in three years.I know I would be gone in a second. This is my second marriage (9 years) and my children are in their twenties so I don’t have that factor of small children. I do have tremendous fears about being on my own at this age. I would have to sell my house, live in an apartment if i could even get into one and in abject poverty. My husband destroyed my credit while he was with her and I don’t have many options at this time. I would lose everything at a time when I am already at my lowest. It takes time to rebuild self esteem and I can’t leave my marriage before that is further along. Will I leave once I’m stronger? I don’t know, I just know I have to believe I can recover from this and in that journey find the answer to what path I will follow.
    I’m saying all this to shed some light on just how deeply this effects us personally, financially, spiritually all of it. If we are young and have small children we know we will scrape by and our children will struggle through the loss of having both parents, if we stay we fear our children will be raised in an unhappy home. If we are older we fear for what our future will be when we have such little income producing years left. Some of us come to a decision sooner than others, some of us make a decision and then don’t follow through with it. It just sucks ya know??
    If you are a friend of that jerks wife then please tell her what you’ve seen him do as far as flirting with other women and his contact with your friend that wants nothing to do with him anymore. A lot of people disagree with that however so many people knew of what my husband was doing and didn’t feel right about telling me. I have had that conversation with a few of them and told them I understood but I wish they had told me. This guys wife knows about his cheating and deserves to know she’s still living in a house of cards.
    Sorry to go on so long, I just have a lot to express about this stuff!!
    Susan

    find the answer to what path I will follow.

    • Jewels April 5, 2011, 10:47 PM

      Thanks Susan. You really have captured the difficultly that all married women face after the affair. Baytta, thanks for explaining the situation more, it helps. I think because you think so highly of your friend, the way you word the original message makes it seem like the ‘other woman’ is a queen, the wife is a loser, and the husband is just an innocent man who was swept away by a wonderful women. Now I know after you explained the situation more that’s not what you meant, but that is how it reads. I thank you for your honesty, I very much agree with you when you talk about how the husband lied and even continued after seeing his wife devastated, that was my husband. Luckily, I was in a position to leave, it took months, but eventually I left. I think you’re right in that if we knew everything, we would be totally shocked – I agree with you, because just knowing 20% of it is emotionally traumatizing, I couldn’t imagine having some sunglasses on where I could know and see everything. Last but not least, I agree with Susan in that don’t let this situation deter you from falling in love, it’s a great thing when it’s working. Take Care.

  • Baytta April 6, 2011, 10:28 AM

    Susan, I am so sorry to hear your story and I feel for you, and understand how horrible of a position you have been forced to face with in your life. I truly hope you have a solid support system around you, you need it, in order for you to gather your strength and be strong. Remember, only you have control over your life, and yes anyone can turn their life around, but this can only happen if you believe in yourself, and love yourself enough to make the change. Let’s face it, if you don’t, no one else will. I guess my entire life I always had this mental picture of how cheaters are evil, slime-ball, low life human beings…and yes we know they exist. However, my good friend does not fit the bill. I know she didn’t have a gun to her head, but one thing that enters my mind is, do these men consciously find these weak women to prey on? They know what they want, and are able to seek these women out. I believe these men have figured women out, how they “work” so-to speak, and use this to their advantage. He preyed on her at the lowest, weakest moment. She too is married with children, and has been in an abusive marriage for over 10 years, and for the same reason why women stay with their cheating husbands, she chose to stay married to her husband. I guess the lesson here is to all women-just leave if you are being abused!!! Infidelity, I believe is too a form of abuse, and society I think, does not acknowledge this enough. These marriages that contain any form of abuse most likely will leave you with a broken heart and completely robbed of your self-worth, at the very least. This jerk came into her life like a knight and shining armour…to save her! I saw it all. She believed it. Vice versa of course, he saved her from the “wicked witch of the west”….and so he put it. She continued even though I advised her to leave him several times. She tried to break it off numerous times, but it seemed he would spring back to her even stronger each time….manipulation. He promised her with a wedding, a home in a beautiful neighborhood in the suburbs to accommodate all their children etc. She was convinced it was meant to be, of course I argued that. I would love to have my moment with this jerk’s wife and tell her everything I know, but I know nothing will come out of it, she has chosen to believe in him, and keep her family together. He obviously has learned absolutely NOTHING, and I am sure he will do it again, it will be just a matter of time. I myself am sickened by the whole thing, that is why I have chosen to write about my perspective. Jewels, I commend you for leaving, I personally have no doubt in my mind that you did the best and right thing for yourself. The most valuable gift on earth you gave to yourself when you chose to leave, LOVE. I believe if you don’t love yourself, do not expect anyone else to love you. It is great that you have taken your experience, and used it to help other women in the same situation. Susan, I truly wish you strength and happiness in whatever you choose to do…its NEVER too late. I wish you well, please take good care yourself.

  • denise April 27, 2011, 7:06 PM

    I have been married for 20 years. My husband has been cheating on me from the start. I just didn’t know it. I have two teenage children. My husband started out with porn, then phone sex, then the internet. Sept 18, 2010 was the worst day of my life! I found out that my husband had been talking with a lot of women online. Well, for days before he was to meet up with one of the women that was talking to him. She was going to fly here from another state. I found out about it and a whole lot more than I cared to know.My husband was planning on sleeping with her. Renting a hotel room, he even took off work. He even opened a checking account at another bank that we don’t bank at. And put four hundred dollars in it. Well, I thought that was bad well it gets worse. I then found out that he had been talking with this one girl since 2005. And he slept with her while me and his children were in another state because we had moved, but he had to go back up to work for a few more weeks. So he was sleeping with her the whole time. He was up there. Then I also found out that he had his own porn website. And that he was also messing around with a friend of mine that I sold makeup with. So come to find out he has been cheating on me for our whole marriage of 20 years. I have a big prob though, I had to quit my job because I have back problems and knee problems. I am trying to get disability right now. I also have a learning disability that I have struggled with all of my life. So I never finished high school. I have tried to get my G E D. But I can’t pass the test. I am not coping well at all. I know in my heart that he will do it again even though he has not done anything since September. I can’t live my life this way and I don’t want to but I can’t help but feel stuck. So if any one out there has some advice, Iam here to get some. Thank you Denise.

    • Jewels April 28, 2011, 9:14 PM

      Hello Denise,

      Sorry to hear about your situation. It seems as if your husband has been living a double life for years. And trust me, this has nothing to do with your learning disability, women with PhD’s get cheated on for years without knowing as well. As for as your situation, here are a couple of things that I would like you to consider. I think you’re in a good place as far as your mentality that you cannot live the way you’re living right now. It seems as though you have tried to maintain the marriage but it’s just not working, especially if you know in your heart he will do it again. You’re following that gut feeling, which is very smart. Your confidence in your decision is a good thing. Many women have a hard time deciding if they can live this way or they can’t, so pat yourself on the back for that. Now as far as you feeling stuck, yes, that mentality has to change. Instead of saying I am stuck, say I am in transition. It’s much softer and it gives you room for some flexibility. If you have the word ‘feeling stuck’ in your head, you will only find things in your life that confirm that belief. So start saying I am in transition – because you are. You never know what could happen. If you feel that you cannot leave at this time, it’s because you’re not prepared to leave yet, not because you’re stuck. Hopefully, you see the change in words, words are powerful. Once you say you’re just not prepared to leave, you pull the control away from your husband and back to yourself. You are choosing to stay until you find out about your disability, until you figure out how a divorce would work, until you get your health back, etc. And during this time that you are choosing to stay, focus on Denise, not the cheating husband. Focus on your wants and desires, and I promise you things will start to look a little better in your life. I hope this helps, take care and keep in touch.

  • A June 2, 2011, 6:48 PM

    I love these other women who tell the wives we are crazy for staying with a cheater….the very same women who want our cheater!
    They truly are pathetic women…to stoop that low in life!

    • Jewels June 2, 2011, 10:28 PM

      Hello A,
      It is sad when a woman would willingly accept sleeping with a married man. It’s sad on all ends. I think when women say ‘just leave’, it’s mostly from women who haven’t experienced this, and really don’t understand how complicated the situation is. It is soooo much deeper than just stay or just leave.

  • Baytta June 3, 2011, 7:07 AM

    Stop blamimg the other woman. The blame falls only on your husband. He is your husband and he is the only one that owes you anything. Did you stop and think for one second that maybe it was YOUR husband who pursued her, manipulated her, made her believe she was the love of his life, made her believe their love was real and only that their “timing was off” to finally meet in life. Like I said….I have seen the other side, and these men manipulate ALL the women involved..wives and lovers and whoever! Once my friend discovered the truth about this man, how he was just filled with lies…she ran as far as possible from him. She realized he had been lying to his wife, and to her all along to serve his selfish needs. But I do see how these women get caught up in the drama, and they fight for this prize of man! I guess when a womans mind has been poisoned with grief, it’s impossible to make a sound decision….to think clearly. These men are selfish and will do whatever it takes, hurt and lie to whomever to have their needs met. They are cowards and can’t handle the heat and consequences that come from their actions….especially if they were caught and EXPOSED. They can’t handle it. Of course this only applies to the husbands who have had blown out relationships with other women…not the husband that may have had too many one night, slipped up, and confesses to his wife. I’m talking about the man who lives a double life, who lies several times a day for months or even years to both these women to satisfy his needs. It takes a strong, secure, and independent woman to leave-not to stay in an abusive marriage. Women have this thing in their head about forgivness and how important it is…and of course it is! However, just because you have chosen to leave the marriage, this does not mean you can’t still forgive your husband and move on. This is especially true if their are children involved, forgive your husband and don’t ever deny your children the right to have a relationship with their father. You need to forgive, accept that your husbands cheating is his problem not yours. He needs to seek professional help for his abusive behaviour…the only difference between beating and cheating on a woman is that a physical beating leaves its visible wounds on a womans body, cheating leaves her scared within her heart & soul. Don`t stand for being cheated on, really think of the message you are sending and acceting of yourself. Move on to a better life…and make sure he pays you well.

    • Jewels June 3, 2011, 9:22 PM

      Baytta,

      I understand what you’re trying to say, but no one is going to listen because of how you say it “Stop blaming the other woman’, not very welcoming and empowering. You say you have seen all sides, but with your first comment you seem very ‘pro other women’, which is why people that read it think you are the other woman. I really get what you’re trying to say, you’re trying to empower women who are not treated well to leave.

      Of course I can tell you 10 stories of the husband saying he is not married, and 10 more where the women knew they were married and pursued the husband hard. I personally don’t think every cheating husband is this evil liar who purposely abuses his wife, although there are some like that out there. At the end of the day – blaming anyone involved does nothing to help, and telling someone to stop blaming does nothing to help. I hope to help women move past the blame and into healing, one sentence at a time. Baytta, this is something that is so painful, it’s hard for you to understand because you haven’t been in the situation, and I hope you never are. I appreciate the encouragement the second half of the email.

  • Susan June 4, 2011, 11:20 AM

    Hello Ladies.. This is in response to a few of the newer posts. Denise I’m sorry you have been placed in the situation you are in. I also have some disabilities which have stopped me from working the last three years. I recently started counseling and my therapist has referred me to a family law lawyer that takes on some free cases due to dire circumstances. I have learned that because of my inability to care for myself while my husband was cheating and my need for ongoing support the court will award me much more than the normal in a divorce. For example he can’t require our house to be sold and he can’t get any equity out of it until I choose to sell the house. He will also be required to pay me maintenance monthly. My kids are grown and from my first marriage but you have teenagers so you would also get child support. I encourage you to find a place that can give you some help. Even though your husband isn’t physically abusive you could contact a domestic violence shelter and ask them for some resources. You don’t have to stay because of your fears of money or security. I thought that for over a year and found out their is help out there for us. Staying or leaving is a huge decision, I hope this helps so you can make the decision based on what YOU want rather than out of fear.
    Baytta… I still have a hard time dealing with your perspective. I look at it as what if the cheater was lying to both the other woman and his wife. The other woman still CHOSE to enter into an illicit relationship regardless of what stories the cheater told. People are accountable for their choices in life. Life is choice and consequences, you state that we should stop blaming the other woman when in reality your are blaming the cheating man. All parties are to blame for engaging in illicit, immoral, cruel and selfish behavior. If a man or a woman enters into a relationship with a married person they really have no right to expect anything good to come out of it for so many reasons. They are actively involved in betraying and harming another person, they are actively involved in breaking up a family as well as living their own life in a very toxic manner. No able minded adult can be forced to do something or justify their decisions based on someones else words, lies or promises. Your friend knowingly and willingly entered into an illicit relationship and if she chose to believe the “timings off” and all the other ridiculous justifications it is on her and NO one else. Your friend got hurt while participating in actions which directly hurt another person. You reap what you sow. Everyone deserves a life of happiness yet no one has a right to attain that by harming another person. We all have major decisions about our marriages and what we choose to do is each womans individual journey.in my belief system you are correct in saying that forgiveness isn’t tied directly to staying in the relationship but it’s not for you to say whether that is true for anyone else. Bottom line your friend needs to face the choices she made and do the work to figure out why she so willingly chose such bad ones and work on her self esteem issues as well as building an intact values and beliefs system that doesn’t have reservations or loopholes. It isn’t about what he promised it’s about what she chose to do, she inflicted just as much harm to that woman in her own way.

    • Jewels June 5, 2011, 9:36 PM

      Hello Susan,

      Thanks for your post, I can feel that you are getting stronger and stronger with every post! I remember you talked about recently joining a support group for women overcoming affairs, when you get a chance, let me know how that has worked out for you. Take Care.

  • Rose July 25, 2011, 8:49 PM

    Hello, Denise.
    I can relate to your story. My husband has been cheating on me with a very close friend of mine. Now he’s telling me that every MEN cheats. This has been going on and off for two years now. I checked the phone records and found that he does not call her every day. He calls her maybe once a week or once very two weeks. sometimes once a month. He tried to convince me that he is just in it for the sex. She is also married with two young kids. I don’t know what else to do as I tried to talk this over with him, but he don’t want to talk about it. Please help! thanks, ladies.

    • Jewels July 26, 2011, 12:46 AM

      Hello Rose, his response of ‘every man cheats’ is not good, he is totally justifying his actions, which unfortunately means that he probably won’t stop. You can not make him stop cheating. But guess what Rose? It’s not your job to make him stop cheating. It’s sad that your friend did this to you. Look at this situation as a wake up call for the people that are in your life. It’s almost like you need to dump the people closest to you and start fresh. It appears you have young kids, which makes the situation more difficult. You don’t have to leave right now, but I would start to plan right now. Think about where you are, where you want to be a year from now, and what you need to do to get there. Think about your support system, if you don’t have one (I didn’t think I had one), start to create one. Over time you will start to feel empowered and understand that you don’t have to accept this, that you can find new people in your life that will treat you right, and that you will recover. It all starts with faith in yourself. Rose, you deserve a better life than this. Take Care, reach out to me anytime!

  • Rose July 28, 2011, 12:10 AM

    Thanks for your prompt response, Jewel. This definitely is a wake up call for me. I am sad that I will lose 2 of my closest friends at the same time. But again, I deserve to be happy. I have been thinking of why I am still here. I truly love my husband still, but at the same time, I am mad as hell. As far as this, “so called friend” of mine, we had our very own conversation the other day. She claimed that he had never spend more that an hour with her everytime they meet. Made me want to scream out loud and say,”then what the heck! are you his whore?” but instead, I was calm as she was crying really bad. I kinda felt bad for her though. I told her how he was laughing at her as if she is his whore. I had never hear him talk about someone in a negative way. I guess maybe you’re right. He’s justifying what he did. I will start to prepare what my future holds. I still am trying to heal from this. although I am so paranoid. He promised not to contact her ever again, but I keep thinking he’s lying. I don’t know what to believe anymore. thanks and good nite.

    • Jewels July 29, 2011, 2:20 AM

      Hello Rose,

      I am glad that you are going to focus on what the future holds for you, because you do deserve to be happy. I know you feel that you are paranoid now, but the more you start to focus on you and your future, the less paranoid you will be. Two years, two best friends (her and your husband), that is alot of hurt and betrayal. At the same time, you will run yourself crazy trying to catch him in a lie. Trust me, if he lies again, you are going to notice it without even trying, you are not even going to have to search because you ‘lying alert’ system is very high right now. Lastly, you best friend should feel bad, but you don’t have to feel bad for her, you have your own sorry and sadness to deal with, no need to think about her’s…lol. Later…

  • Rose July 29, 2011, 2:09 PM

    Thank you, Jewel. Today, I feel so much stronger. More than ever, I am not as confused as I was. I guess my intuitions has led me this far. I finally was able to confide in another close friend of mine yesterday. She was as shocked as I first was. Now, my husband is trying to win me back. I don’t know what to do. Like I said, I love him still. What should I do? Thank you so very much for all you help!

  • amamda August 4, 2011, 12:22 AM

    i just found out my husband cheated on me and Baytta tell you what the woman sounds just like you. Apparently i’m a fool and i should leave but guess what my marriage is not about that O.W i’m in it for me if i leave its for who? Another husband? A single life? Dating? Its just like trading one devil for another so do’t sound self righteous like being single is liberty. It has its vices. I work and i have a business so staying is not about money its about me and how he makes me feel. If i had not seen her sms saying she loved him i would have never known. Women you know if he loves you whether he cheated or not. Does he provide for you and your kids does he make you smile when you down does he encourage you to pursue your dreams and be the best does he hold your hand when you need him does he pick you up when you’re down does he make love to you like there’s noone else out there. Is he your friend in good and bad times thats who your husband is not that man trying to sleep with a naive woman so he’ll say anything. Of cause the O.W is nice he wouldn’t have wanted her if she wasn’t and most likely is a version of you before the kids and all the drama that came with marriage thats why Baytta we say she’s a fantacy because if he married her then she would be me and he would need another O.W. So don’t feel like just because she is your friend its his fault its her’s too for not realising men lie to get what they want. For me at the end of the day its not about me leaving but about him leaving. If he wants to he can go but as long as we together i choose to make it about me and my happiness not about what he did wrong. So before you can say its independance to leave remember that its also independence to stay

    • Jewels August 6, 2011, 2:51 AM

      Thanks Amanda,

      I agree with what you are saying. There is a HUGE difference between choosing to stay and feeling stuck. Huge. When you choose to stay, for whatever reasons, that is empowering, that is a decision and as long as you have a choice and feel confident in the choice you made, more power to you. When you stay because you feel stuck, that is no way to live. Amanda is right, it is independence to stay and Independence to leave, it has everything to do with why you made the decision (again choosing vs feeling stuck) and how you feel about the decision you have made (some of how you feel is based off of your husband’s actions and behaviors). Thanks for sharing your perspective.

  • Abby August 25, 2011, 11:44 AM

    Baytta, I do agree with you to a point. A wife will never fully know the real truth (unless the damaged O.W. has told the truth, lol). But the relationship the O.W. and the husband have developed is totally fabricated from the start anyway. Anytime two people get together and have a sexual relationship, there are definately feelings involved, more so for the O.W. who has been promised and programmed to feel that the marriage is over and the husband is leaving his wife. Jewels is the most correct here, based on my own experience with this. I didn’t stay because of kids, ect. I stayed because I made a commitment. He chose to stay with me because he made a commitment and after two years later, I can actually say my husband is thankful for my forgiveness. It also helped that the O.W. went crazy after she found out he wanted to stick with his wife. She sent me texts, called 108 in 3 hours, left voice mails, threatened, screamed, cried, hollered, you get it. Probably all the same stuff I did when I found out about her. She was hurt too as well. She was lied to, manipulated, and cast aside like the trash she became when she decided to try to have a relationship with a married man. She wanted to be me. In counseling my husband mentioned she was very needy, she would always try to be with him every min and sec of the day, even when he was working. She had already been with several married men before and was used to being taken advantage of, so you would think she would know the outcome.

    I initially stayed because I wanted to prepare myself to leave just as Jewels states. But over time of counseling, and the efforts from my husband of wanting my forgiveness and doing all he can do to show it, I stayed and have very much forgiven him. Although I have not forgotten and still it haunts me everyday. Not that I believe everything my husband has said about the affair, afterall, I found out the many lies he told and lies by omission. The one thing he did mention in one of our counseling sessions was that she did remind him of me, when we were first dating. She was young, fun, pretty, inspiring, outgoing, ect. However, he fully stated that it was all a mask on his part. He gave her all the good and no bad. He told her all the good she wanted to hear and no bad and to her, he painted me as an evil person, therefore shattering any thought to her hurting another human being. That is why the O.W. never have any regret on the part of the wife. The husband has painted this picture of the wife as an outsider, an evil person who doesn’t respect him or pay any attention to him. He has apologized to me many times over and has mentioned many times that it meant nothing to him but pure sex, flirting, fun and ALL lies. It was a mere fantasy as Jewels has put it. Affairs can happen to anyone. Even beautiful movie stars such as Jennifer Lopez, Nicole Kidman, ect. have been cheated on. Yes, it is much easier to cheat than to work out your marriage problems.

    I have read love letters, emails, texts, ect. to and from my husband and this O.W. and it hurt very much to see my husband tell this woman, that he would always be there for her no matter what. But after much education, I realize now, that was a ploy to keep her right where he wanted her, to the side! But in the same time I would hear from his buddies that the girl was a stupid young girl that would do pretty much anything to not be alone. I was told once by a “buddy” that she was mad that he was dropping her off to come home to me and got an attitude quickly only to be reminded by my husband of her place and I quote “just look out da window & shut up, it’s none of your business anyway.” Theres definately no way I would ever let this man talk to me that way without a brawl…lol. This young female didn’t even stop to think about what lies he was telling her if he was telling them to me. She didn’t think about what his family would think about her, what his children would do or think. Both parties are definately selfish in the matter.

    After the affair was definately over, I got many calls from her myself. She would tell me that he was still contacting her and she didn’t appreciate it. That he persued her and not her persuing him. Although she didn’t know I had read ALL of her love letters, texts and emails. Although my husband tells a different side (of course), I do believe this girl, when she says that HE PERSUED HER, that he manipulated her, ect. These are things that she should have been thinking about when it started. She knows this outcome, yet still chose to be in it. She is therefore accountable for this pain, that she caused herself, not what pain he caused her. He is not responsible for her, only MY pain! She is a big girl, as she said to me many times. Everyone reaps what they sow in this situation, and if bad things are happening to the O.W. then it is the Karma passed along the lines after harming someone else.

    My husband and I are very much in love again. He even sends me little texts during the day letting me know he is thinking of me. We still see our marriage counselor and have gotten help on many issues we never even discussed or brought to the table before. My husband’s infidelity stemmed from his need to feel “wanted”. Me, as a woman, can understand that. That was all I wanted as well. I know he loves me, he provides for me, he makes me smile, I make him smile, he encourages me as I do him, and loves me like no one else has (YET, lol). We are best friends again. Although I still have trust issues, it may take forever to gain that back, I am happy again with him as well as he. We speak each other’s love language FINALLY!

    Thank you all for your comments and thank you Jewels for this website of resources. If it weren’t for resources such as yours, I might have left that very day I found out and missed the chance to feel loved again by the man I love most dearly.

    • Jewels August 25, 2011, 9:38 PM

      Abby,
      Your comment was absolutely beautiful. It seems you have gotten to a point where you really understand your husband’s actions, why he did what he did, and most importantly you had the courage to forgive him. I am so happy that you are in love again, you give women reading this post hope. I wish you the best!!

  • Daisy September 25, 2011, 6:10 PM

    what is the world coming to…seriously? All these cheating mean have one single thing in common….they are “ESCAPING” from reality. Why not just divorce and conquer the world? BECAUSE IN REALITY…they don’t want to share their finances, children, close family and friends with these mistresses! They just want to have fun, create another world for themselves, leave when they want to leave and come when they want to come. Like Jewels noted very few of them actually marry these OW.

    I actually got a chance to speak with OW. She told me everything. BOY DID HE MAKE UP A FANTASY WORLD FOR HIMSELF. He told the girl that he travels alot (hence leave and come when he wants)…that he is leaving for 8 months. He used a different alias with her… i mean seriously everything was a lie. The worse part was she was asking me are there other woman…? ARE YOU SERIOUS, what a stupid question…shouldn’t the stuff I am telling you sink in? But then i realized she fell for him, like I did. He had us both fooled!!!!

    Baytta… i know the hard part is grasping why these woman accept these cheaters back into their lives. THESE CHEATING MEN ARE EXCELLENT MANIPULATORS!!!! They know what kinda girls to look for, the right words to say and yes LIE LIE LIE LIE. Honestly they are sick men, that have major issues…because they too ARE LYING TO THEMSELVES….they justify that its ok to do these things. I HATE THEM.

    but truth comes out no matter what. People catch on. But the wives suffer because they have a lot at stake…the pain is incredible. trust me i know….whole world turns upside down….and you’re left to make sense of it all.

  • Theresa February 29, 2012, 8:02 PM

    This is to Bayata and the others who have responded. As many of us have experienced the lies told by our husbands, we should not be surprised to think that they may also lie to the OW. Cheaters are selfish and lie. I have known women who “married” a guy not knowing he was already married in another state or country! His frequent absences were explained by “business trips”. The women who get caught in these lies are usually very trusting and naive.

    My husband told his OW some sad story about how unhappy he was and how I “wouldn’t let him look at porn”. Of course, she was very consoling and told him what he wanted to hear. He is right, I didn’t want him looking at it because he has a porn problem BUT he made it sound like I was controlling, etc. He admits that he “may have implied some things” but didn’t outright say it. I can only imagine what other lies he told her to justify his cheating on his wife.

  • Abby March 1, 2012, 8:49 AM

    Theresa, my husband told the OW so many lies. He admitted to me as well that he definately made her think he was leaving me and I was this horrible person that didn’t appreciate him or love him at all. What is so sad is women everywhere, the first thought is to blame themselves. “What did I do?” We say to ourselves. I am very trusting and very naive, and these OW are the same. They want so bad for these men to love them, they believe it all!

  • Lolita March 11, 2012, 4:23 AM

    I’m quite sure that none of you ladies wish to hear from me or my side… but I am the other woman. I don’t pretend to be the victim, or want any one to feel sorry for me. I don’t ever expect forgiveness. I know your husbands probably villa-fied me in every way possible. I was an evil succubus that seduced him, he was powerless to my advances. I bitterly chuckle to myself as I type that. I so wish I had never met him, it’s caused me nothing but pain and misery. I long for a reality that cannot be. I feel like a disgusting human being, I think of her and her children every day. I think of him everyday. But to him I am just a mistake. I, for the life of me tried to tell him no… but he wouldn’t take no for an answer. I won’t lie and say I didn’t enjoy it. You know the situation when you have stupid fantasies about celebrities, how you think they are harmless and nothing will ever come of it, it’s safe. I felt that way about this man (not like he was a celebrity, but that it was safe, because he was happily married.) Well it wasn’t safe, and when he tried like hell for months… I just couldn’t resist. I cried when I went home. She was my friend. Even though I’ve had other relationships (not adulterous) this one, I just can’t let it go. It haunts me. The only reason I type this… just remember it takes two to be adulterous and I’m not the skanky whore he made me out to be. Now 4 years later, I still wake up crying about this man that’s not mine and I can never have, who has a beautiful wife and children. Yes I made my bed and now I have to lie in it… forever.

  • Lolita March 11, 2012, 4:31 AM

    and one more thing I forgot, unless you have been there you will never know that if you were in my shoes you would have said no. Sometimes the other woman really does try to not have an affair, men can be persistant if nothing else.

    • Jewels March 13, 2012, 11:13 PM

      Theresa – Very good point. Something that I need to be reminded of, because I think it is true. I think both women are being lied to.

      Lolita – Welcome to the site, despite what you might think, I welcome OW to write on the site. Sharing each others perspectives and opinions can only bring more understanding. Yes you may see women on this site say negative things about their husbands and the OW, but know that it is all coming from a deep source of pain, and it is not personal.

      I get it. I see how the OW can so easily come into the picture. I get how the advances can come on stronger and stronger and how you eventually let your guard down, this happens to women all the time in regular dating. I hear all the time ‘oh I didn’t like him at first but….’ they keep pushing and things happen. I have interacted with women all over the world, and trust me, it’s happening so much, I know there is so much more to it than the OW are mean and vindictive people. There are good people that end up cheating. There are good people that end up becoming the OW. It’s the truth. Are there women that search to have sex with married men just for fun – absolutely. Are there husbands that will cheat all the time and never stop – absolutely. But there is this middle ground of good people that end up cheating, and it is a middle ground that is hardly ever talked about, and I hope to change that one day in the future.

      There is a good amount of healing that is needed from what you wrote, this is eating you alive. I hope you are able to smile again one day in the future.

  • Abby March 14, 2012, 10:42 AM

    Lolita, don’t beat yourself up so bad. You know I have always felt sorry for the OW that has been mislead, the OW that just does it because she wants to win (which was my OW situation) gets no respect from me. However, I do have heart enough to know that these married men tell the vulnerable, accepting OW, things that the OW wants to hear, needs to hear and longs to hear. These men are very misleading. And it’s not that they are evil or anything, they simply are just MEN! Men act of physical and not emotional. My OW was lied to, told he was leaving me, told her he loved her, told her she was beautiful, probably kissed her the right way, pretty much all he did with me at the beginning of our dating life. That’s just it, these men act like they are dating again, just with a different woman than their wives. So I totally see how the OW can become wrapped up in the dating context of the relationship, when everything is so new and nice, it’s real easy to fall in love with these men when they are playing on these emotions that ALL women have. Keep your head up, there is someone out there for you and always ask for forgiveness from yourself. You, yourself are your worst critic.

  • Freebird March 15, 2012, 7:50 AM

    Here’s one for ya……how about the OW that sleeps with your husband, then marries him (even after finding out that he EVEN slept with his wife’s sister!!! and all she has to say about that is it was the SISTER’s fault, not his!!!) and she also makes the comment that “once a cheater, always a cheater” and then realized what she just said and follows that statement up with “oh, but not YOU, baby” to the cheater that she had an affair with and then married!!!!! And this same woman practically BRAGS that a guy she once dated hung himself because she broke up with him!!!! I think my ‘ex’ deserves her, don’t you????

  • Abby March 15, 2012, 8:37 AM

    Wow Freebird, what a story. Yes, I think your ex deserves this scandalous woman. He will pay for his mistakes in the end. Everyone gets the karma coming to them in these situations. This woman is obviously out of her mind. Go on with your life knowing theirs will be hell. I know it’s wrong & we are suppose to forgive our enemies but its hard not to laugh when karma takes affect.

    To all women out there who has been through this pain, keep your head up & blessings are coming your way!

  • Freebird March 15, 2012, 9:09 AM

    Thanks Abby! I wholeheartedly believe in Karma (I have replaced my wedding ring with a “Karma ring” and I also have the Karma motto (What Goes Around, Comes Around” in a continuous circle) tattooed on my upper back! I DO know that he is doomed for future failure and misery (he’s already in debt up to his eyeballs and is constantly ‘financing’ more toys to add to his collection of “show off items” to prove to everyone how great he is and how envious they should be of him (and that’s actually what the OW is… eye-candy to show to to his older friends ……she’s the younger woman, of course!!!). But in order to “keep” her, he had to promise her all of the demands that she gave him…..she wanted kids…..so they have already gone through several expensive IVF treatments and to make sure they were successful they even fertilized two embryos and they now have twin girls (he already has grown children from our marriage!)…..so I’m really not thinking that’s going to go smoothly for him down the road, especially when his addiction to “new, exciting sex” takes over! I’m still struggling and having trouble with all of this however, because it is soooo hurtful to me and has zapped my psyche into crumbled little pieces!!! My mind tells me all the “right things” to think and be rational about…..but my heart has been forever destroyed by this! Just sayin……

  • Sandy-Sue March 15, 2012, 10:39 AM

    I know of one OW that Karma got. My brother-in-law ruined his 2nd marriage by cheating (after having ruined the 1st one that way several years earlier). He and his wife of 1-1/2 years were living in 2 different states due to his job situation. As she was moving to be with him, she found texts/calls to and from another woman he had taken up with in the town where he had been working.
    Shortly after the discovery, fall-out, divorce….the OW (also married) was killed in a motorcycle accident. That’s some Karma for you right there.
    Now — throughout the whole 15 months after discovery of my own husband’s affair with a girl across town (we live in one of the top 5 largest cities)….every time I hear about something fatal happening on the west side of town….I secretly hope it’s her!
    (Isn’t that sick? See what this has done to me! I am usually a wonderful, kind-hearted person…but I just secretly hope Karma bites her in the ass big time!)
    Take care, Ladies!

  • Freebird March 15, 2012, 10:51 AM

    Thanks for sharing that Sandy-Sue! I, too, HATE that what has happened to me has caused me to think such unkind thoughts (not that I really care very much if something bad happens to that little slut)….BUT, I hate that this has made me ‘feel’ that way. And what I REALLY hate is having to think poorly of two little babies!!!! It’s not their fault, but sometimes I find myself wishing that Karma would step in and the babies would end up with problems that would cause problems for their two despicable parents!!!!!! As if having twins at HIS age isn’t going to be a problem enough, right? I hope she eventually leaves him and he is stuck paying MY alimony and HER child-support for a set of twins!!!!!!!!!! That would be good Karma!

  • Abby March 15, 2012, 11:46 AM

    I’m with you guys, I’m in the same. boat, Freebird, even though my husban chose the marriage, I am still very hurt & pissed off. My heart is destroyed & I trust no one. So I understand your emotions. Sandy-Sue, I know how u feel as well, they say to forgive & pray for your enemies, but it’s hard & I too secretly wish the OW was pretty much dead. I lost my sanity during this period of my life, but I got it back knowing that I am loved & wanted. It also helps that I live in a small town & do hear bout the OW & her troubles, believe me she is having troubles! Karma karma karma!

  • mexik March 16, 2012, 9:23 PM

    I think I need help. I was married for 15 years (after 3 years of dating/living together). I left my husband about three years ago. There were some serious problems in the marriage. He had temper tantrums, he had a lot of anger in general–not pointed toward me, he spent more than we could afford, he wasn’t there for me…etc. I could be depressed, which I’m sure was difficult, too. We had remained friends throughout our separation. Well, about 9 months ago, he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I came back to him. Our love was renewed. I took care of him. We went through his savings and mine. He passed away a few weeks ago. Two days after he died, I found things he had written about “extra curricular sexual activity.” This lead me directly to his journal. He was fantasizing about other women constantly. Constantly. I knew most of them. I read he went to prostitutes (even a couple of transvestite prostitutes, though that didn’t seem to be his main obsession). And basically, I am glad that I had left him when I did–though sooner would have been better. But now, I am playing this part of the grieving widow. Everyone keeps telling me what a wonderful man he was (including the objects of his obsessions). Really, I just want to scream out to everyone he knew, including the 20 women he fantasized about in the last year–I was gone for that period–what he was really like. I want to hurt him and his reputation. I began seeing a therapist to tell it all to him. But I am so full of anger and the therapist doesn’t seem to be helping much. I’m in a different country, where English isn’t the language and have few options. I am full of rage though. I feel used and lied to. He told me he went to two different prostitutes after I left. I accepted that as fair enough. But to think that all those years that he never stopped fantasizing about women (and some men?) and then went to hookers makes me feel worthless. He wrote that fidelity hadn’t ever been part of his routine (he’d been married more than once before). He’d been cheating on girlfriends and wives since he was a teenager. I’m so angry that he knew before we ever even got married that he wouldn’t be faithful. I’m so angry that he thought I deserved him. I feel like if he really loved me he would have told me he couldn’t be faithful and given me the option to leave. I feel worthless. I feel ashamed that this is who I chose. I’m so sad, too. I hate him, I loved him. I liked him and I disliked him. I never would have put up with his other crap if I knew he was obsessing about other women and going out and paying for sex. We had a fairly active sex life, it wasn’t like I was holding out on him. Anytime, just about, I was willing. Help me deal with this. I wish I could confront him!

  • Sandy-Sue March 20, 2012, 10:37 AM

    Mexik, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. That must be awful…learning about those extracurricular activities after he had passed away. I’m sure you are going through a lot of confusing emotions! Throughout 2011, while my husband and I were “working on things”….we had about 12 deaths throughout our extended family & friends (only 2 elderly, most were in the 35-60 age range, with 3 of the deaths being people in their mid-20’s). I often asked him how he would feel if either of us passed away before we got all these “issues” resolved. I’m sure I would’ve been mad as hell if I had to find out the ultimate betrayal after my husband passed.
    Hugs to you — sounds like counseling is probably your best bet for now. Hopefully that will help you sort through your feelings and guide you where you want to go next. Try to stay strong!

  • JB March 20, 2012, 12:48 PM

    Mexik- I usually don’t post on this thread, but your story has stuck with me since I read it last night. I am so sorry for your loss, even if the pain is conflicted right now- it is still a huge loss. I kept wondering as I thought of you today, What attracted you to your husband when you first met? What spark did he light in you? What did he see in you, and you in him? Why did he ask you to marry him? As flawed as we all are (boy are we), there is something in each of us that attracts and draws us to another human being. Sometimes it is kindness, laughter, beauty, honesty (not in most of the cases here :), similar passions, morals, religion, and the list goes on and on. At some point you were in love with each other- he made you smile and you made him smile- you brought joy to one another. As you grieve his death and all the turmoil that he left for you to deal with, try and remember that there are things you did love and care about in him. Don’t focus all your attention on the sex and the affairs– the other stuff is bigger than just the physical part. You are beating yourself up- asking yourself questions about him that you can never get answers to- don’t spend your good energy in such a dark place. The things that all of our husbands have done to us are horrible, unbelieveable, sad, painful (Oh- so painful), disgraceful, unimaginable– there are so many adjectives we can add- that is what is so hard about healing from an affair- the adjectives can be unending… Life is a journey, and I believe that all the steps along the journey are the lessons we are put on this earth to learn- good, bad, and ugly. If you are open to listening and really paying attention to these events, you take away more for yourself than you have had to leave behind- both emotionally and physically. All the little things start to add up and fall into order eventually, and you will see the path of your journey clearly- but for now it is your moment to listen and pay attention for- YOU! You did love your husband- he filled you with what you needed on some level- and you loved him regardless of the hurt until the end– wasn’t that your vow? You stuck to your end of the bargain- be proud of that! You are a survivor my friend, and should never blame yourself, think badly of your decisions, or have serious dobuts about your character- You lived the life you promised- He was the one that didn’t. I can only imagine how you felt after his death and having to read his journal (dangerous things are found out in journals- my husbands affair was discoverd in the OW’s journal)– I too would want to shout it to the world- HE WAS A BIG FAT FRAUD- CHEATER-LIAR- SEX ADDICT- ETC… I am sure you have a whole list- I know I would …. but what would that do? Stir up a lot of conversations with those that knew him, or thought they did? Cause you to have to re-tell a lot of hurtful moments in your life- and in his? Put out negative emotions associated with his name? Instead, you should be greatful that he was part of your journey in life, he taught you lessons about love, trust, and marriage that you wouldn’t have learned otherwise, he brought moments of joy to you in life, and gave you the opportunity to do the same for him. He taught you that you were stonger than you thought you were, and had a huge compassion for those that needed forgiveness and help in their own dark hours. He taught you that nothing is forever and that we all leave this world with secrets- no matter how badly we want to make it ok for those we leave behind. Take thoughts like those as part of his legacy- not the raw pain, destruction, and sorrow that he selfishly left in his wake. You can’t change him, fix him, or make it different- all you can do is find the things that added to your life in some way and be grateful– otherwise you can get stuck in the deep dark mud and never be able to live again- remember your journey is not over. I hope you choose living your life to its fullest– for the deep dark mud is a place only pigs can find happiness. Peace and blessings

  • mexik March 21, 2012, 1:16 AM

    Dear JB,
    Thanks for your perspective on things. I think I may be going through the anger stage of this grief. I hope to come through it and move on. I’m not comfortable with this level of anger. I hope I can take away some of the things you mention. Your insights are wonderful. I did learn a lot from him, I did live a more exciting life by being with him. I also did do right by him. For that, I can be comfortable in my own skin.

  • mexik March 21, 2012, 1:18 AM

    Sandy-Sue,
    Thanks for the encouragement. Have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. XO

  • Marie April 12, 2017, 8:10 PM

    I was cheated on by my husband for 4-5 months. My husband had to move for work. My instict told me its bad , and want to follow him. He didn’t allow me cause it means loosing my job.
    He found OW after 2 month. The way i see it, he was looking for any OW.
    OW was an easy target. She is living of men. She sleep with men for money and food, She have no proper job and move right in our 2nd house right after the 1st date. While i’ve been going there every other weekend. I notice a few things.
    OW informed me of the affair by calling me through my husband phone, while they were argueing.
    I massage my husband right after, told him i knew and I was leaving him. We have 2 kids. He called i never aswered. Cut short he end the affair that night. come back and beg me to stay. My husband move because i never set foot again in that house. The 1st 2 years was awful. We fought most of the time. I tought and told him every second day that i want to leave. I told him to call the OW and end the affair in front of me. Which he did but OW didn’t answer. So he leave a voice msg on whatapps. Which she just answer with ok.
    Other time i asked him about the OW on whatapps. He said she is just for sexs.He actually said he can’t connect with her cause she is not very bright. I screenshot and sent it to OW. I was hurt and i want her to feel the same. And to make sure by husband have no chance of going back to her. I made him go through hell. I was very transparent to him about how i feel. I told him i don’t believe he ever love me.
    Now is the 4th year. Things are calmer, i resent him less and less, seeing all his effort to make me stay. He bought us a new home which he put under my name. He is more caring and loving. I still don’t trust my husband 100%. But it makes me feel better knowing how much he is willing to change to make it work. Yes i did want to leave, and sometimes still think about it. I know if it happen again i would just leave without any word.But there still many women out there looking for a husband. Whose to know if there is men out there better than my husband. To me all men are the same.
    To others who is going through this. Maybe letting him know you can leave, that leaving is a choice that you willing to take, make him appreciate you more. And if he lets you leave maybe there is nothing worth left to stay.

  • Marie April 12, 2017, 9:17 PM

    To Lolita
    Before and while married. I have a few married men trying to get my attention. I get the glimpse of what the OW might feel. It makes feel like i am better than the wives. But i am quick to realise that i am also someone’s wife, and felt sorry for their wives. I knew men well enough to know that all of it is just sweet talk and empty promises. So i never take them seriously.
    I once told one men, which i have no feeling what so ever. If he really love me like he said, than propose. Which he never did as expected. They are just fishing for sexs. Which i never give other than my husband. Women to men are like Candies to kids. Choose wisely.

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