Infidelity in Marriage Impacts Self-Esteem

Many of you, including myself, have made the following statement at some point: “Dealing with the aftermath of my husband’s infidelity is by far the hardest thing I have gone through.” Today, I want to get a little bit into why it’s so difficult.

Let’s say someone makes a nasty comment about you in traffic because they perceive that you are going to slow. You might get mad for the moment, but since you do not know them, you get over it pretty quickly.

There are times when someone you know well does something that gets under your skin. It could be your boss yelling at you for something that wasn’t your fault. You really don’t have too much control over who your boss will be, so you may complain about the situation to a friend, but it doesn’t consume your entire world.

There are times where something tragic happens. It’s unexpected, and you can’t control who it happens to. It’s painful to go through things like an illness or the sudden death of a child, but you usually have an overwhelming amount of support typically from family, friends, and sometimes even strangers when things like this happen.

There are times prior to marriage where you are in a romantic relationship, and the person you are with does something to hurt your feelings. This can hurt terribly, but if it gets worse, you can just leave. In fact, if you are not living together, it’s even easier to leave! While the end of a relationship like this can hurt, in time your heart will mend.

But something changes when you marry someone. Typically, you invite everyone close to you to come and celebrate your big day. And typically, everyone who is close to you will meet your husband soon after. A big investment of time and money is made within a marriage. You may, for example, buy a house, open a joint bank account, or own other property together. But considering how much you love each other, investments like these are worth it. They’re part of your future together. You also start making sacrifices with your time, especially if you start having kids. Life responsibilities can become a challenge, but you have the support of your spouse.

Then your spouse cheats.

It’s important to stress that cheating is not just about sex with another woman; it’s also about lies and secrecy. This breach of trust by someone you love really throws your mind upside down! It’s not like this was a stranger who flipped you off or a boss that you can cast off as mentally insane, this is the person you choose to marry. It’s not a tragic event that no one could foresee; he willingly made the decision to lie, keep secrets, and have sex outside of the marriage.

When other devastating events happen, women feel comfortable sharing their experience. But most women typically don’t tell anyone about a spouse’s infidelity because they are embarrassed that the man they chose to marry also chose to have sex outside their marriage. (See After the affair embarrassment.) So the overwhelming support you get when you go through another major life event/life change isn’t there.

Many wives are not in the position financially or emotionally to just pack up and leave. You typically have to see your husband and be reminded of the affair every day until you both figure out what to do. You feel stuck, you feel alone. Another aspect that makes adultery within a marriage unique is that in most life-changing situations, you don’t feel like a fool for not knowing about the situation. You also are not stuck with the challenge of “Should I stay or should I go?”

There really aren’t many life situations to compare an affair to that are as complicated and mentally exhausting. It is for this reason that cheating within a marriage is a league within its own. It is a life-altering traumatic experience. And for all the reasons we’ve discussed, many women’s self-esteem typically plummets after the affair.

Our self-esteem is our most valuable jewel as women. Whether you decide to stay in the marriage or not, focusing on rebuilding your self-esteem is ESSENTIAL to your personal recovery. It’s also one of the hardest parts of recovery. But the good news is that you don’t have to do it alone. You have many women on this site who support you and know what you’re going through.

55 thoughts on “Infidelity in Marriage Impacts Self-Esteem”

  1. When I found out my husband was having an affair, one thing that struck me was the fact that I did not know him after 30 years! The betrayal definitely hurt, no question about that. But the lingering question was, what other facet do I not know. Because I decided to stay after he ended it, I chose not to tell my family. The questions would have been endless: why? why not? how can you? etc. My self esteem has its highs and lows. Whenever I look in the mirror and see how big or old I am, I imagine how slim and young the other woman was. I try to get out of the mood as fast as I can. The hardest part is believing what he says. Through 30 years, I had no doubts. I gave myself 5 months to decided whether to stay or leave for goood.

    1. Hello Julia,

      I am glad you shared this emotion, I had the very same emotion – I was like – if you have the capacity to do this, what else are you capable of that I don’t know about?? It’s really scary when you think about it.

      I know you think about comparing yourself to the other woman. I am sure if you ever saw her, you would be surprised, they are never as glamorous as we think. Read my post on the other women, it might make you smile.

      I didn’t tell my family at first, until I found out he was still cheating 3 months later, then I told. I think you’re on the right track of giving yourself a time limit to decide, many women stay in what I call the ‘limbo’ stage (should I stay or should I go), for years. Best of luck to you, let me know how things go.

  2. i can relate totally to this my husband of 24 years of marriage, tomorrow 18 is , was our anniversary also cheated . ifound out 4 months ago that he eas having an affair for over a year now and i left him that very same day and now they are living in my home with our things and she drives my car . they are even using my blankets and sheets for the bed¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡ can someone say something to me, please.

    1. Hello Marcy,

      Sorry to hear about your situation. One thing I will tell you, even though she is in your house, you moving out right away might of been a good move for you. Most women (including myself) that stay in the house have to deal with the fact that we are now sleeping in a bed that the other women had sex in. Sometimes (I know in my case), she was in my house, ate food out of my frid. And every day walking in my door i had to live with the constant reminder that she was there, it made me want to throw up every time I walked in the house.

      So your now out of the house, which is good. Now her driving your car – that is another story. Are you able to take your car, that’s not right. I don’t know what country you live in, but have you considered divorce? I know here in the US judges tend to be hard on cheaters during divorce. The fact that another women is living in the married home before the divorce will not be looked upon favorable. I am not a lawyer this is just my suspicion. Are you still married? At a certain point you should have a right to your things that you have accumulated over the past 24 years.

      I know it seems like your husband and this OW are being totally disrespectful, and they are. But in the end, you will have the last laugh, trust me. No relationship based off such a large amount of lies and disrespect will last. And once it’s over, your husband will more than likely try to come back, and by that time, the though of getting back with him will disgust you.

      I think the most important thing for you right now is how Marcy feels, not what your husband and this crazy lady is doing in the house. How is Marcy doing on her own? How is Marcy coping. Does Marcy feel that her life can be better? Let me know how things go, best of luck to you.

  3. It’s been 3 weeks now since I found out that my husband of 28 years was having an affair every time I left town on business. Not only did he cheat, he made up a fake name and a fake life and let his girl believe he was divorced. It is like a completely different person than the man I married did these things. I have started counseling on my own, but right now, I do not think I can forgive or forget.

    1. Hello Cindy,

      Thanks for sharing. I am so so glad you started counseling right away, a cheating husband who is living a double life is very traumatizing for you. The next couple of months will be a roller coaster of emotion, but it is natural and expected. During that time I felt lows that I never felt before, but I got out of it, and you will as well, your off to a great start. If you don’t think you can forgive or forget, that is ok, you’re 3 weeks into finding out, the devastation of knowing the truth is hard to let go of. I hope you have the type of husband that is letting you deal with this situation, being supportive as possible. Sometimes the husband’s reaction hurts us more than the action of the affair. I wish you the best recovery possible, stay in touch.

  4. After suporting my husband on a job that he said wa his dream and he needed to acept, I found his second phone that he used for cheating purposes. I found over 70 female contacts. Over 400 text messages and over 30 pictures of naked women. One woman even sent back a picture of my husband’s gentalia. My biggest concern for my marriage was that I suport my husband because God forbid that I undermine his dreams and not let him be a man….Some payback I got. The years of raising our kids on my own and putting on a smile at church and in the community as if I was ok with my husband’s job all blew up in my face. Where do I go from here. Realizing that the night before my husband came home after being gone for three weeks, he made a stop in another city to spend the evening with one of his women. How can I put him out when he just got home and my kids havent seen him in almost a month? How could I do that to my children? And let’s be real, unlike him, I havent had sex in almost a month, as hurt as I was, I still had needs that needed to be met, because I dont have a BACK UP…… do I admit that I still love him, not because I dont think that anyone would love me, but because I fell in love 17 years ago and I still am in love…..People actually look to me for advice and support, because I am so focused, but what do I do now? How do I fight through the pity that people want to give me because my husband is in the NBA life and has had access to countless number of women that are 10’s? I fightthrought feeling “fake” because I refuse to admit that I have been a “single mom” for several years because I believed that my husband’s absence was merely us working together for the greater good that nobody else understood. I’m only 31 years old, I still have sexual and companionship needs. This man that has been lying to me….is still a man….that I desire at night…how do I move past that? Is there a day that will come when I will wake up and say ” OK, I can do this, I can be done..” or will I just stay, and look over the pain. I am at a point now that waiting…on me….seems to be interesting and something to look forward to seeing.

    1. Hello Melanie,

      Sorry to hear about your situation. The other phone. My husband played the other phone trick as well the second time I found out he cheated. He kept saying I could see his phone anytime. What i didn’t realize is that he bought another phone just for cheating!! Grr!! Let me first address you still loving him and feeling the need to have sex. I understand and that is perfectly fine – AS LONG AS YOU USE A CONDOM. I hope that he is protecting himself, but now that you know that he is clearly engaging with other women, you have to protect yourself. It doesn’t seem like you’re at the point where you want to leave the relationship, and Melanie, that is fine. Most women take a long time to determine what to do next, and don’t feel bad for thinking this through, it’s a big decision. If you stay and ‘look over the pain’ – you have to remember one thing. If you stay, and inside that pain doesn’t go away, and it festers and eats away at your spirit, then you should take a hard look at if it’s worth staying. Second, if you stay, make sure you keep one eye on the house, kids, family, and the other eye on what Melanie’s dreams are. It’s time for you to start your dreams now, don’t wait on your husband, it seems like he is living more than his dreams and you have sacrificed enough already.

      There are other men, you just have to have the strength and confidence to know that and/or be ok with being alone for a little while. You must of been with him since you were 14 years old. The thought of not being with him would be scary if this is your first love. I sense that your confidence is not at a peak, which explains why you might enjoy having sex with him, it gives you a sense of security that everything is ok. But you have to be confident to know that without sex. There also seems to be a big embarrassment factor (that is a huge part of recovery) going on with you in that people seek advice from you and now you going through your own journey. It’s ok, your human, it’s really ok to have issues. I say that because I am the same way, I was the one in the family that everyone said had it together – until this. Remember, therapists use therapists. Having someone from the outside evaluate your situation is sometimes very healthy.

      **How is your husband reacting to you finding out, or did you tell him yet that you know??

      **Lastly – the fact that your husband is around 10’s all the time, I know that it’s hard, but if you read comments from other women, cheating is not about looks at all, it’s about selfishness of the husband and lack of self esteem. Some of the most beautiful women in the world get cheated on, they key is to make sure you know your a 10 :). Take Care and keep in touch.

  5. Hi Ladies,
    It is always so hard when I read the stories from you women that have just found out about your husbands betrayal . I’m glad you found Jewels and will keep posting and get support. Marcy I’m with Jewels on the advice of getting your belongings. I strongly encourage you to get an attorney. If you cant afford one and are in the U.S. There are places to help. Contact domestic violence agencies and any community service organizations. I know how hard it is to take action now that you’ve been kicked so hard. I was immobilized and allowed the OW to harass me for months despite my friends and family telling me to a restraining order. Looking back I wish I had. Please don’t let them take away everything you have from the last 24 years. It’s community property in most states here and you can just go take your car and drive away in it from anywhere it’s parked. If you don’t have a key and your names on the registration you can have the type of the cars local dealership sell you a key. My thoughts are with you all. Warmly, Susan

    cindy : i am sorry for your pain. we among ourselves say sorry to each other , because they , the men usually do not say it and if they do , we feel that it is not sincere because if they would have had a tiny bit of feeling for us they would have not done this especially in so many years of marriage, difficulties shared and memories now lost in the wind and pain. it is good that you started counciling. i am a psychologist, imagine and i saw some sighns but they are great liers and then they have some buddies that help in the excuses, so you believe , because you love so much and sometimes you are blinded to the truth or you do not want to see it especially for us of more than 20 years of being there. i met a woman on the bus , because i take the bus , the ow is driving my car now ,and this woman of 72 years started talking to me , God put her there of course for me and to tell you all, Bless Him,. she said that in her 50……….50 years of marriage he always cheated on her since day one but she was always waiting for him to appreciate her and love her they had 5 kids and even while she was pregnant, in the operating room, the delivery room and so on , he would cheat and be with someone else.he would not ever take her to the store or walk by her side or for a drive because he might be seen with her and would ruin his reputation!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and if you saw her , she is a beauty . like linda evans from dynasty,. she said that she then began to wait for old age and that perhaps then he would love and value her,welllllll up to the age of 70 he still cheated on her ……………oh yes…………. then two years ago he developed Alzheimer and now he does not remember a horrid thing he did ,he does not speak, has to be fed, bathed and diappered by her and they lost all their money to all his ow’s and now she works selling calenders!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! finding out now is our blessing. i truly hope your husband changes and if you decide to continue with him good for you ,too many years have been invested…………… if not, remember these quotes : sometimes God removes people for your own protection,do not go running after them. sometimes it is best to leave something that is broken behind, because once you try to put the pieces back together you may cut yourself even more and it will never look or be the same, so be prepared. i do not know if this message is to be put in public or not, if not then please put it where others can read it and might shed a little light . take care and may God guide you.

    i live in Mexico , and things here are pretty sticky and right down foul sometimes. It is hard to have justice done and especially when you do not have the money , at the time. The one who files has to pay the procedure and i am waiting for him to do this and then to ask for me retaining certain things and for him to have others but mean while, he, the ow and her kids have everything that was once mine . her kids are sleeping in my kid´s beds and all the other stuff. It feels strange to have been a part of someone and then to just be erased from the picture, with the husband ,car and house. the ow just put herself and her kid´s there and it is the same exact picture but three people look different.for him , it is absolutely normal and fine ,he just replaced us…………………and threw us away.may GOD help all of us who are living this , lived it or will live it. it is beyond sickness, it is evil and then you add to it , 28 years of being together, well………………wow there just are not any words to fully describe the pain and hurt . thank you for writing, may God bless you and divine justice be made for us because human justice is not enough for our ocean of tears ……

  8. Dear Jewels,

    Your husband and my huasband must be good friends. I should have known something when he encoaurged and almost begged me to put our phones on a family plan all of a sudden! LOL! I had actually started to think that we were progressing..and that I was gaining an upper hand because I still didnt want to put our phones on that coveted family plan….little did I know…there was another phone. Silly me. You are right, I have been with my husband for manny many moons….he was my high school prom date. The cheating and lying was immdiate…he had already promised five other girls to the prom including his girlfriend that I didnt know about. For some reason, he held on to me though. Not sure why. I was a virgin, and to this day, my husband is the only person that I have been with intimately. Mayb thats why I am so comfortable with sex…it’s all I know. How did he react to me finding out? Well, he apologized immdiatley….let’s not forget that he had just come from visiting one of his women in Milwaukee on his way home. So, the night before he came home (three weeks of unadulterated pleasure on the east coast with countless women and ending it with a special night in Milwaukee) he was on his high horse. Expecing to arrive to me and my children like the hero and savior and answer to our pitiful and boring lives….ha!! Anyway, he now says that this is not the life he wants to live, he is so sorry, he is happy he got caught. DIVINE INTERVENTION……He needed a way out, I was supposed to find the phone, he will change, he loves me, he needs me, he hates to see me hurt, the other women are nothing more than body parts, he has a demon….etc….bored yet? Did I mention that the 70 women in teh ohone had special names by them and they had their city of residence nect to the names to help him remember who they are? Many of them had pictures on there names to ensure that he would remember his conquests. So I stuggle. I struggle with knowing that he has chested on me from day one…..since 1997. I struggle with knowing that my children are very sensitive to the family unit that we have built. I struggle with knowing that he will probably never change and I knew that he had issues years ago. I struggle. I am toying with the idea of seeing a therapist of my own, but I dont know what I want to hear, if I am looking to hear anything? I am more confused than ever. Condoms??? He assures me that he uses them in his conquests….but then you stupid can I be? There are some things that I have decided: I cannot control him…even in his apologetic stage right now. He wants me to believe that I have the upper hand, but I know I dont. As he calls me when he leaves home and lets me know when he is returning, I am not as confident as he wants me to beleive. I know that this will die down for him, and soon enough, I will again be one of the 70. I can control me. I will work even harder to work on me, my health as I make sure I work out everyday for my own satisfaction, my look (I may try a new hairstyle, my mini desires….a massage hear and there or a pedicure wont break the bank too bad. I cant take off and fly across the country to “get my groove back” because it would be selfish to leave my kids, but I can get back to loving me and realizing that I DIDNT MAKE A MOCKERY OF MY MARRIAGE. HE DID. I DIDNT TELL LIES TO FAMILY ABOUT HOW HARD I WAS WORKING WHICH IS WHY I CANT BE AT MY SONS BBALL GAMES, OR PARENT CONFRENCES OR CALL AND SAY GOODNIGHT….I have held up to my committment, and therefore, I shouldnt be ashamed…This is my stance for now, let’s see how I feel tomorrow 🙂

    1. Melanie,
      OMG – There was a comment that your husband said that my husband said as well – hopefully we are not married to the same man…lol. Shortly before I found out about the full blown cheating, I found out he was in contact with former classmates online telling them that they were beautiful and sexy. It really hurt me, and when I confronted him about these girls online he said – I did it on purpose, I wanted you to find out. WTF??? I didn’t understand that at all, you wanted me to find out? It’s really crazy how some of these behaviors are similar in our cheating husbands. The absolutely great thing about reading your last post is that you started off a little un-confident in your words and by the end of the email, I was like…here is Sheba – hear her roar!! Your right, you can’t control him and although his words are great, if he has been doing it for this long, stopping cold turkey probably wont happen. But you can start being you and focusing on you today. I sense that your a little nervous about leaving because of the impact to your kids. MANY women stay just for that reason, so your not alone in your thoughts that you are feeling. But I will tell you, if you choose to stay for that reason, mommy HAS to be happy. If you stay and your miserable, that’s not doing you or your kids good, and defeats the purpose of staying. And kids sense things like crazy, so even if you put on the happy face, they are going to sense something if your not happy and that negative energy rubs off. It’s such a tough call but you have time to focus on yourself before you embark on that decision. Now go get that massage!!

  9. Hello Ladies,
    Marcy I am so sorry to hear that you are in a country that doesn’t offer you the rights of dignity and respect. I truly can’t imagine how heavy your burden is. I hope you will keep posting and get some emotional support. Just because your husband and the government don’t treat you with respect doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy of it.

    Melanie again I’m very sorry to hear your story. You have a lot of strength you can hear it in your humor and honesty. Your husbands are smarter than mine with the phone thing my dumb ass husband used his phone on our family plan!! Once I got online and looked at the records I found THOUSANDS of texts. Your ideas of self care are really good ones Jewels has encouraged us all to take time to care for ourselves.

    I’m a slow learner in this process of self esteem building and making a decision whether I stay or go in my marriage. I have finally taken some action and am in counseling and making an exit plan. I had the double whammy of catching my husband cheating and then my Mom died, so needless to say I had a lot of feelings and grief to begin working through all at once. I’ve been communicating with Jewels for over a year and this has been such a bittersweet blessing. It is amazing how similar all our stories are and how many of us have all the same feelings and heartache and doubts about ourselves wondering what our futures will look like.

    I have learned so much about myself through these gut wrenchingly honest communications and it has helped tremendously. Another big plus is realizing how incredibly stupid all our husbands are. They all have wives that loved them, were loyal and caring and raised their children. They are the losers yet we are the ones that are left feeling that way. We can’t allow there crap to define us as women and that’s been a long hard battle for me. The OW of my husbands is UGLY inside and out and was also married.

    All I can say is keep reaching out and do your best to do a little something everyday for ourselves. Believe that we will heal and we will.

  10. On a lighter note -recognizing the Royal Wedding in England…why couldnt I marry a prince!!!! The fairytale of every woman..even as I watch my three year old daughter prance around the house in princess play gowns I se myself through her…the innocence that I once had …for a fairytale that does not seem to be coming anytime soon…How I thought and expected one thing…If I am true to him, he will be true to me. I laugh, I smirk, then I tear up. Should I tell my daughter now? Life’s a bitch! Laught today ladies

    1. Thanks Melanie for the positive note!! I jokingly said to myself it shouldn’t be why couldn’t I marry a prince, it should be why couldn’t I marry a prince that doesn’t cheat, princes can cheat too…lol!! My daughter is young as well, and you know what, I wish someone was a little more real with me when I was in my 20’s about life, men, marriage, etc. And while I won’t tell her that life’s a bitch for her 18th birthday present, I hope I am the type of mom that let’s her know that the only person she can control is herself, so treat yourself better than anyone else. Take Care Melanie!!

  11. I don’t think that my self-esteem has been impacted to much by my husbands infidelity. It did hurt when I first found out but I did forgive him although i have not forgotten. We have started marriage counseling. I try not to focus on the negatives in our relationship and I also look at my self to see what I can do to be a better wife. I am a strong and independent woman who knows that I can live without my husband but i just don’t want to. If it does happen again there is no doubt in my mind that I will leave and move on. I believe everyone makes mistakes and deserves a second chance.

    1. Thanks Daphne for sharing your opinion. It’s a great way to look at the situation. I think it all depends on your husbnad, the actual type of cheating, where you are in your life journey, and where you are in your life as a whole. You say that your independent and strong, which is great. But many of us went into the marriage and have sort of melded our lives with our husbands – and unfortunately, attached some of our pride and self esteem to the marriage. We felt great that we had a loving husband who is devoted to us. When that changes, many people including myself, think, this isn’t the person I thought he was. It typically not about the cheating, it’s about the constant lies, getting family to participate in helping to cheat, etc. You start to think how could I choose someone that would hurt me so bad. Even though cheating has little to do with us, we often look internally not to see what we could do better, but to see where we failed the marriage (there is a big difference). Now if your husband went to Vegas and had a 1 night fling with someone, that might not impact your self esteem as much as you finding out your husband has another family in another state for the past 3 years, and those business trips were really trips to see his other family, and he says it’s your fault and refuses marriage counseling. I really think the self esteem after the affair depends on many many factors.

      I am honestly glad to see that your working on your marriage and that your husband is willing to go to counseling, that’s a great sign. Best of luck and let us know how things progress, would love to hear a success story!!

  12. I discovered my husband of 22 years was cheating, for the 2nd time, last July,2010. I immediately filed for a divorce. I had warned him that there would be no 3rd chance. I refuse to subject myself to a variety of venereal diseases. And I also refuse to send a message to our 17 year old daughter that it is acceptable to put up with crappy, adolescent behavior from your partner.

    My husband had the audacity to tell me that his “cheating on me didn’t mean that he didn’t still love me and he wanted to stay in our marriage.” My reply to this was: “my divorcing you doesn’t mean that I don’t love you (on some level) but the legal proceedings will continue.” I also told him that his continuous lying,deception and betrayals meant that he had no respect for me, our daughter or himself.

    I offered to pack up his belongings and drop him off at his mistress’ place, but he didn’t go for this. So I promptly found another place for me and my daughter to live. He begin to park in front of my new house and started to basically sleep in his car. He finally realized that I was serious about the divorce and there would be no reconciliation. He’s also found himself a new place to live.

    Now he’s trying to squirm out of his relationship with his mistress. He can no longer use the excuse “I can’t leave my marriage because of my daughter”. I previously warned him that his mistress would get tired of being his “side piece” and she would want to be his “New Mrs.”

    I wished him God’s sped with his mistress. I also told him that he would always have access to his daughter; no one has the right to keep him from his child. I am so happy that I divorced him. I finally have peace, joy and hope in my home; and I’m enjoying my new lease on life.

    1. Thanks for sharing your story, it is inspiring!

      I think we think very similar, I also told my husband, the first time I will forgive, but if it every happens again, it’s over. And even though my children are young, I didn’t want them growing up thinking it’s ok to treat a women with such disrespect. The best part of your story is the end, where you happy with the decision, and enjoying your new lease on life. This will help so many women that feel miserable but afraid to leave. I wish you continued joy.

    1. Uugghhh,

      Man, it seems like your husband may of had the opposite problem – too much ego where he thinks that he can cheat because he is prince….

  13. Hi…I know the feeling of being betrayed and cheated. I often catch my husband flirting in the internet and on his cellphone. Just recently, I saw his facebook with a lot of flirtatious messages for different girls. I am so tired of all these flirting games. I’m so down and my self esteem has become very low. I hate the feeling of being disrespected. after few days that I knew about it, he wasn’t even apologizing, and he is not even takign an initiative to talk about what i knew. I’m just 2 years married to him. Knowing that he can cheat me at this early makes me think that he will keep on doing it in the long run. I dunno what to do. He was so irresponsible and inconsiderate, and flirt. I am the one carrying all the burden in the family ‘coz i have a more stable job. I’m so confused and down. How to handle a situation like this, he seem not bothered whether i’m hurt, he doesn’t seem to care about what i feel. What do i need to do?am i overreacting?

    1. Hello Liza,

      No you are not overreacting. This is how it all starts, “innocent flirting” and then it gets worse. Your husband should be concerned that you are upset by this. Because he is not, this is what I would personally do. Start to slowly stop focusing on him, and focus on yourself and the family. Tell him now you feel and let him know that him flirting with girls is not acceptable. Tell him you do not trust him anymore and ask to see his phone or email. If he doesn’t let you see that, then you know he is hiding things. No need to get mad, just let’s you know that you need to focus on yourself and the family, and at that point, start thinking about leaving. Leaving is a huge decision, and it’s not something you can do one day and leave the next, it takes time and planning. So all the energy you are spending working with him, spend on planning to leave. I know I might sound really pro-leaving in your case, and the only reason why is because he is not accepting responsibility for his actions, he is not talking, and being inconsiderate in continuing to do something that is clearly hurting you. So it’s not about cheating, because you don’t know for sure, it’s about him being flirtatious and not really caring how you feel about it. It just takes one of those girls to take it to the next level. Take Care, keep me posted.

  14. On New Year’s eve, I found a chat message on my husband’s computer from a girl who is 28 years old. He is 64. We were traveling so he was asleep. About 3 a.m. I woke him up and confronted him with the message which I had forwarded to my page. We have been married 40 years and have three very successful children and although it has not been the perfect marriage, we were doing well. He said he was “glad” I found it because he was looking for a way to end the affair and was doing it slowly so that the girl did not get too upset! He is impotent and we have not been intimate for about 6 or 7 years. I was livid. He said he knew that she did not love him like her message said but was after his money. He felt flattered at first when she turned her attention to him and his buddies chided him about it. He says they did not have a sexual affair but it is hard for me to believe that. I know that there are pills he could take but when he took them they gave him such a headache that he could not function anyway. So I resigned myself to a sexless marriage. I know this happens to a lot of us when our husband’s sexual life is short-lived. He did not want to go to a doctor (he is Hispanic) but later told me that his problem was not physical, but psychological. He now wants us to try and rebuild our relationship but I don’t think that I can. Psychological means that he was probably feeling guilty and could not function at home but in my mind I have these images of this 28 year-old who looks like a million bucks, having a full relationship with him! I asked him if there was something else I should know and he said that he was afraid she would get upset and call me and I would have found out. Apparently they have taken some pictures that she has in her possession and they are of the two of them and “maybe one where she is kissing him on the cheek”. Really? I have always been even-tempered and have forgiven many things in 40 years of marriage but I cannot deal with this. In the last week, I found out that he has been paying her cable and sometimes her electricity bills. He admitted to that after I found a list of accounts on his computer. She is a single mom with a 13 year-old daughter. I am very angry and is it normal not to feel any pain? I actually don’t feel anything, just numbness and am sick to my stomach. I will be seeking the help of a therapist to put this in some kind of perspective and then as all of the writers on this forum have done, make a decision about continuing to stay in this marriage. I know that no matter how old the other woman may be, it is basically the same: Infidelity.

  15. Carrie from U.S.A, I to have a Hispanic husband and I never thought that it would come into play. But as time has gone bye his pride is what got him into trouble. He is not 52 and was cheating on me for 5yrs all online and almost meeting one OW on a family vacation. Lately this last month or more he too has been having problems keeping and erection and I am not sure if it is beacuse of age or he feels guilty for everything he did to me. It’s been 6months since the 3rd time I caught him having online affairs and talking to this OW. I forgave him only because it was online and he is an alcoholic and sex addicit but as I read post from other women I often day dream about divorce and the freedom to really move on without the Husband in the picture.

  16. Carrie,

    I can relate to you because of our age.

    I am 62 years old and found out about my husband’s affair in Sept, 2011. His affair took place in 2003 but I just found out about it in Sept. He was 58 years old at that time and the OW was in her late 20’s. They worked together and would meet after work and have sex in the back of her car. I was in the state of shock for a couple of months. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t see anything at the time. It is so hard to go back all those years and try to remember where we were mentally in our marriage, but I don’t remember much of those days. I thought we were happy, working everyday, and doing our shopping and dining out on weekends. I had no clue. I did feel better about it during holidays, but I am back to feeling a lot of anger and disgust towards him. I look at him so differently after being married for 42 years. I told my husband that I believe he lured her…did everything in his power to attract her and he succeeded. I hate to admit this, but I look down at him now and feel he and his actions are below what I am.
    I am giving myself some time to see how this will end. We are both retired now and always together so I know he is not cheating on me now. However, I wonder how many times he has cheated over the 42 years. I guess I’ll never know and that is hard to accept.

  17. Joan & Lisa P:
    Thanks for your comments because they really helped to comfort me. What happens to men when they age? It seems to me that they don’t think they have gotten better, just older. I guess it takes some young thing to blind them and lead them into denial even if nothing works. Mine was paying their bills and lending them money just to keep them fluttering about him. How sad that in our later years many of us women end up frustrated and alone even if our husbands are around. After my husband retired from his job, he retired from life. It was what defined him, neither our children or I mattered enough to keep him happy or satisfied. I believe most men are narcissistic by nature and think only of themselves. They belong to some reptilian breed. Thankfully, I have regained some of my dignity and decided to draw the line. He has gotten rid of the young girl’s account on FB and her circle of friends. He is doing everything he can to help me get through this but between you gals and me, I don’t think this event is the problem. I have had time to think about all the other things that have led up to this and it just makes me angrier and more depressed to do so. I am usually an optimistic person but this was the straw that broke the camel’s back so to speak. It opened up that Pandora’s Box where I was keeping all my resentment and all my loneliness. I wrote a long detailed letter letting him know how I felt and he read it and agreed with most of it. Where do we go from here? I put the ball in his court. He wants to make up for all the grief and anger he has put me through but even if he is able to, will I be able to put this behind me? At this point in time, I still don’t think I can. Do you ever feel like it will never be enough? I needed someone in my life who was able to love me just a bit more than he loved himself. What do you think?

  18. I know the site is a cheating husband but I’m still really hurt about my boyfriend cheating, I have never loved another man the way I love him. I thought the emotions I felt towards him and his cheating would wear off after a time but it feels like its getting worse. The embarrassment is sinking in even more and my self-esteem has suffered really badly. I feel really stupid cuz all along I was getting this ‘vibe’ something was wrong and he started comparing me. why didn’t i do this and why didn’t i do that. Now he says he wants to be with me i find it really hard to believe.

  19. Thank you for this article, it really spoke to me. I’ve been trying to get a job for several months now, and when I found out about my husband’s cheating, it really had a blow on my confidence. I sometimes feel like I’m blaming the cheating for finding it so hard to get a job, but reading this article made me feel that maybe I was right to take a couple of months off job searching and re-adjusting my life. I felt so guilty at the time for not making an effort to get a job and just spending a lot of “me-time” but I now feel that I deserved that time off.

    Unfortunately, just as I was regaining my confidence and self-esteem and started getting interviews this month, I found out my husband had been messing around again behind my back. And that was a day before the interview. Imagine! I was having to push back those worries while pretending I was a confident woman that should get the job. No wonder I keep on getting rejections. It really makes me feel frustrated that he has made me fall back behind again.

  20. Hi Francesca — I normally post on the other blogs but have been feeling down today and am reading all of them — came across yours. I feel the same way you do. My self-esteem and motivation is zero….. my D-Day was last March — so almost a year ago and I actually left my job in May of last year — I was really struggling. I withdrew from people (and I was in a people business with quotas) — soooooo it’s been hard. I don’t feel the same — not on my game — so I understand the blow you must have felt when you discovered it was still going on. It’s toxic for us — emotionally and physically. I’m sorry you are taking a couple of steps back – but that is part of the process I think. I’m hoping to move forward again soon — the steps backwards aren’t as far back anymore. So I guess that is progress……albeit very, very slow. I know you can move forward…..

  21. Hi Ella,
    Thank you for your message. I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling down 🙁 I think it’s good that you’re on here though, and reaching out to others in a similar situation. I think there is always comfort in knowing that you’re not alone in your suffering.
    I had an interview yesterday and it was surprisingly easier than I anticipated. I thought it would be impossible to be professional and think about work after the pain I had gone through but I managed. Sometimes it amazes me how much strength we can have in ourselves. If I can do it, you certainly can so I really wish you the best of luck. We can move forwards to rebuild the confidence we used to have 🙂
    Today I’m feeling positive and I really hope that you will feel that way too, very soon.

    1. Hurting – welcome to the site, you are in such pain my friend. Yes, it hurts bad when you love someone so much and they do this, the pain can be unreal. But know and trust, that how he made you feel, there is something even more amazing than that in store for you. There are others waiting to treat you right, and you are young and have the ability to open yourself back up. Do not close up because of this, he is one person, and if you let your pain take over, you will not be in a position to see others that are willing to treat you better. You are not stupid at all. All the women on this site had feelings something was not right as well, we brushed it off. I know your boyfriend said he would never to it again. This is just my opinion, but he is just a boyfriend. If you were married with kids and property, etc., then I would think twice, but a boyfriend cheating? I will just say there are boyfriends that will treat you better if you are open to it and willing to be a little patient, take care!

      Francesca – hello, I want you to know I have granted you totally permission for me time the rest of your life – lol. We are not trained to treat ourselves and have me time, but it is essential to our growth. We can not possibly give to others without having something to give, that is what me time is, and it’s ongoing.

      You do not know how amazing your story is Francesca. Your statement about you having a hard time with the job search but things started to turn around as you started to work on yourself and confidence is encouraging!!! I can’t wait for you to share with us your new job, I know it’s going to happen for you soon!

      Ella – sorry you had a bad day, you are making progress. Isn’t it amazing how we withdraw, even though it is our husbands who should be the ones embarrassed and withdrawing. I did the same thing, was ashamed, hiding from the world. But no more. You are going to come out of this experience so strong, great things are in store my dear, great things.

      Carrie – I think you are doing the right thing by putting it in his court. And I hope this does not offend you, but his excuse of ‘I wanted you to see it’ does not sound very truthful. I have heard the line ‘I wanted you to see this’ so many times that I know it’s typically a lame excuse to get the pressure off getting caught. And paying her bills, again, interacted with hundreds of stories, typically men do not pay another women’s house bills for a kiss. I know it is so frustrating for you and I sense the resentment is from all the years you sacrificed and put your needs to the side and now this. As you put the ball in his court to fix this, make sure you focus on doing some of those things you have put off all of these years, you deserve it!

  22. My husband walked out on family three months ago ,i just found he is seeing somebody at are work he has six kids and he has took all my kids around her so they could met her and were not even divorced and today we are married 20 years.Cant wait to go to court to see what a judge says about this

  23. Hello from South Africa

    My husband had a sexual affair about 9 years ago, he confessed it, really showed remorse and I forgave him. We will be married 20 years this year and have 2 lovely kids. On 16 February 2012, I found a passionate love letter to a girl that he was deeply in love with at school (that rejected him), on his computer. I also found out that he has been communicating with her in secret for over a year now and that he sent her sms’s and mms’s everyday that we were together over the December holiday, and also nearly every day in January and up to February until I discovered all of this. I also saw a draft sms on his phone which he forgot to delete that said that he would rather be with her on Christmas day and that he wanted to hold her and cuddle her through the night and the whole day long as well and that he loved her – he also claims that he never sent this sms, but deleted all the communication through gmail and sms with her so I would not see it. The letter also revealed that (although she lives about 900 kilometres from us in another town), they met in secret during December at a coffee shop to see each other again after 25 years.
    When I confronted my husband with all of this, he that I had to admit that our marriage was at a bad patch over the last year and that his communication with her was therapeutic as a sort of a stress reliever. He also said that he never sent the letter to her, that the communication was very intense after they met, but that he realised that the intensity was going in a wrong direction and he decided that he wanted to work on our marriage. In spite of this his phone records shows that he still communicated with her. He denies that he had an emotional affair with her – please would you comment on this.
    He tell me that he loves me and wants our marriage to work, but I am scared to trust him and I think that this women he communicated with enjoyed the attention just as years back at school, but was not willing to go into a real relationship with him and as soon as he realised that he (again) felt more for her than she for him, he decided to run back to his marriage.
    Please help, am I to trust him again????

    1. Hello from South Africa,

      I think your husband did get caught up in an emotional affair with her. They were calling and texting each other for an extensive amount of time, and you did not know about it – which is an emotional affair.

      As far as trusting him again – it is going to take effort on his part. The problem is this – he had a sexual affair before, so now you have a sexual affair and an emotional affair within the marriage. Also, he said he was stressed about the marriage and she was comfort. Well, now every time you have an argument you are going to be insecure. Not sure if he would be willing or if there is options for therapy or counseling, I think that would help because he has go to look deep down and figure out why he feels the need to talk to other women when stressed. If he doesn’t peel back the layers and find out, he is prone to do this again. As far as him part, he is going to have to be willing to be an open book. Sharing email or phone when asked to show he is not still playing games. He has to be willing to have open dialogue, and he has to be willing to put time and effort in order to rebuild trust. Many cheating husbands have a hard time doing these things which causes issues. Best of luck to you and your family.

      Heather – sorry it looks like I missed your comment, let me know if you are still on this thread and if so, please share an update.

  24. Hello to all the other who have been hurt, like I!
    It has been awhile since I blogged here. many reaon’s. One was it seemed so many were able to have their man come home and “try” to fix things because their marriage at least meant something to them.
    I was not given that…my husband of 30yrs reveiled he had been having a affair for 14 years. His truths began on our 30th anniversary while taking our youngest away to school. It took him 3wkends before all his “truth” came out. I had no clue…he had always traveled for his job so I thought and accepted it was the way for our family. This OW called me, his 90yr old mom and threatened to tell our kids. He did come home for about 3 wks saying he was faithful but I found the proof otherwise. He has now been gone (6mos) (living w/”her” everyother wkend) or stays at his mom’s while coming home to do a house task. Legally he can live here but he thinks he is doing me a favor only coming around sometimes. I usually leave as I can not handle seeing him. I filed for divorce actually hoping it would scare him to come home. It did not. I live in Il so there is “no fault” really I raised my boys and cared for the home and it’s not his fault after 14yrs of cheating???!! I have been in counseling and am told my exoperience is more powerful than death. I do believe that but just when does the daily tears stop? When do I begin to accept? I will take a 30thousand loss on our home. Why…he was even cheating on me when we bought it?!! Yes, I know I get half of 401k’s ect. and alimoney ect. but still not the life I wanted. I am told it is like the 7stages of grief. Just when will I get to the mad stage, how do I get there? I still miss him everyday. When will things get better? I hear focus on myself ect. How…just how do I get to the point of acceptence? Help me please….

  25. Carrie,
    I read your post, and I feel your pain in the words that you are typing. I am one of the fortunate ones here that has been able to rebuild a life with my husband after his affair, but I lived your life as a young woman as my mother found herself in your shoes after 30 years of marriage. It was so hard for her, and I can tell you this-it is like a death. You will get mad, and be mad—you have earned that right. You will also eventually find peace and hopefully happiness again- and this time on your terms. For my mother, she found a partner in life with my step-father and they have now been together for more than 20 years. My father went on to marry the woman that destroyed our lives as we knew it– he died a very lonely man, as with most new wives that were once OW- she wanted nothing from his past to interfere with their life — including his grown children and grand children. It was very sad indeed. But as the child of such a disaster, I found out just how amazing my mother was as a woman. I was already married and lived away from home when it all went down, but I saw my mother truly find herself. She started picking up her old hobbies again, met lots of new friends, she even got a part-time job to get herself out of the house (it was shocking at times to see her challenge herself — she had always been at home, never worked, never graduated from college)– but after the divorce she did all of those things! She never spoke unkindly about my father to us- ever– how I don’t know, because we had plenty of negative things to say about him over the years… but she was always so composed and elegant in her approach. She put his new wife to shame in all her actions, but never said a negative word… the new wife would make a scene in public places if they ran into each other, or at family gatherings in the early years after the divorce…. people knew right away who was threatened by whom in the mess he had created– and clearly my mother was a true lady. My mother never played into the game—she would walk away, or remove herself from his chaos and maddness whenever it surfaced… the bad karma hung over him for the rest of his life– it was sad the choices he made–he even admitted at the end of his life that he made the biggest mistake of his life letting my mother go… not that it mattered to her, because she had known it all along.

    I know that I learned from my mother some incredible lessons during that time in my life. I didn’t know it at the time, but now having gone through an affair in my own marriage of 25 years…I understand the importance of never loosing ME! And that a man doesn’t define who I am and my self-worth is not tied to him in any way.

    You are going to have to create a new life for yourself. It is so scary I am sure– this was not what you expected at all, but look at it differently… How lucky to be able to be in a position in life where you can create a life that centers around YOU. You have not only the opportunity, but also the wisdom to make it happen. I know if my mother was posting, she would advise you to stay busy, find new passions in life (she became a master gardener, and uber volunteer around her town), meet new people whenever you can–doors will open for you if you put yourself out there for it to happen. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to heal, that will happen with time. Protect yourself financially, if you have children— take the opportunity to come together as a unit (don’t engage in the chaos- if you have children let him make his own relationship with them– it was the greatest gift my mother gave to us–letting us see who our father truly was on our own–he could be a father or not–it was up to him– unfortunately he didn’t–but we know it was all him). Build yourself up– learn a new craft or take a new class– my mom took painting classes, stained glass classes, etc… she was in art school when my parents married so taking classes again- eventually led to her going back and getting her BA in Commercial Art. On her journey, she met others that shared similar stories– they have become life long friends and like second mothers to all of us– her journey had a happy ending, and I think it was because she knew what she didn’t want long before she knew what she wanted– but she was open to all the possibilities. I wish for you clarity on your journey and lean on the women here– you will find what you need to make it through these hard days. Peace and Blessings my friend.

  26. Hi,
    I have been with my hubby for four years. We have a son together , had a home – a life . Since October of 2011 we have had our issues. He wasn’t treating me and my son with the respect and love that we deserved so I asked him to leave. He did so willingly. He stayed with his friend for about a month. We would meet everyday and try to make things work but it was clear to me he was on a different path I wanted everything family…. He was Drinking, Smoking Illegal stuff ( I do not agree with at all) and keeping his distance. I couldn’t figure it out for a long time. then Halloween Day 2011 Him and I had a really great day with our son. We went over to my mothers . The three of us were cuddling on her couch until it was time for him to be picked up by his buddies. He told me he was going out for the night and didn’t know what the plan was. So I said okay have a good night don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. haha We kissed. and I thought everything was finally on a new level. Well I was supposed to stay home for the night with my son but my mother had suggested I go out with my friends and let loose a little. Since I had been under such stress. – I ended up DDing for everyone. and by the end of the night I couldn’t get a hold of my husband. I went to 2 of his friends houses .. when I got there I saw a girls car. My stomach dropped . I went and knocked on the back door. no answer. so I wnet to the front knocked and walked in. I see one girl on the couch, an air matress on the living room floor (the one i had bought for us) and our double sleeping bag. I say Hey I need to talk to you. I realize that the mattress is more weighed down. I see her in the sleeping bag and him underneath it. fully clothed. I was still raging what set me off the most was that she had her face buried into the bed so I couldnt see her.. she was GUILTY . It took us quite sometime to recover. He ended up getting an excellent job out west quit smoking. and I moved into an apartment with our son and dog. I thought our relationship had endured all that it could because it took quite sometime to over come .We said new vows on our way out to the airport with new rings and we were madly happy and in love… Now out west since Feb. and he comes home once a month. I recently got an email AND a phone call from a very random unknown person “If you would like info about *** and his G/F from ***** ****, I will paste and copy text messages about his affair.”If you are still with Ron, you need to take a serious look at what a loser he actually is. He’s a liar, a whore, and a cheat! You can NOT tell him where this information came from. If you do, you will jeopardize the opportunity for me to share more shit with you. I believe that I have Ron’s girlfriend’s number … he was having an affair with a girl I work with and he needed someone to drive from Estevan with him so that they could whore around together. The girl I work with says that when *** comes here that they fuck for 4 hours straight every time! Nice for his girlfriend in Ontario to know (me)…… This source hasn’t gotten back to me in days and I had confronted him over the phone. He denies everything and says no NOTHING HAPPEN, he coundn’t imagine being with anyone else . or ever living his life without our son and I. Him and I speak every day at least 6times // I am just absolutely confused // I hope I got all of the story out. This letter can from His friends ex-misstresses friend… and there is a lot more to the email. This man is the second man I have ever been with . I just want to be treated the way I treat him. what would you do?

    1. SfromCAN,

      I am sorry just now seeing this. Please give an update as to where you and your husband are, did the source give any more information, do you still think something is going on? Once I see your response I will respond right away, take care!

  27. Dear JB, How were you able to rebuild your marriage after such hurt? I don’t want to believe that this person could have betrayed me so badly. I am not even sure he did. Because I outright asked him if he knows the difference between right and wrong? and proceeded to ask him if he has done me wrong in the last 6 months. His answer was “the only thing I have done to wrong you is leave you for this job. ” He is planning to return and find work in his field here. I also told him I would not be able to be intimate with him until we did marriage counselling. I am driving to meet him 7 hours away so we can have a small family vacation… He went so far as to get the phone number of the lady who is apparently wrote this letter’s phone number so he can call and ask her why she said all of those things. To me it seems like he really doesnt want to lose me and wants to clear his name of anything that has come up.. I just don’t know anymore. I feel like “you fool me once shame on you. you fool my 2wice shame on me.” and three times is way too many. these arnt accidents they are choices. I dont feel like he should have ever even put himself into a situation like this…

  28. After waiting for my husband to come home from prison. He continued to cheat because I allowed (I tried to ignore the sign) it as long as bills were being paid. After bugging his phone I realized that the GIRLS he was attracted to were 17, 18, 19 year old’s. It hurt like hell to know you would pick a little girl over a grown woman. They was one who despite me telling her upfront he was married continued to stay I didn’t look at the fact that she was 19. I told her about the STD he had contracted and all. I even talked to her mom and told her mom like really talk to her because he is lying to her. While after 4 month of them messing around she is pregnant and almost due. I found out I was pregnant after finding out about her. He lied about sleeping with her unprotected. When she finally did speak to me after him breaking up with her she said they always used protection but she was already pregnant. I guess she didn’t want him to be made at her. Needless to say I lost my baby, no Dr.’s appointments with me or nothing. He even had the nerve to question the pregnancy even though I had 3 appointment that he never showed up for. I still took him back only to find out he was still sneaking around with her. First he was saying I could be the father to I am the father but I’m not gonna do anything financially until I find out. Every time I caught him in a lie and put him out he goes right back to her. It got to the point where she was texting saying how does it feel to have sex with your husband raw knowing he has sex with me raw. He let her totally disrespect me. Now I have decided not to accept him and this baby and start my divorce proceeding now he’s all gun hoe for this baby saying my daughter is going to be so pretty (the BM is *****). I have been hurting so bad even though I’m letting go. There is a part of me that says please just make everything right again and move on but I know it will never happen especially if it is his baby. I know it’s going to kill me inside if i see pictures of this baby!

    1. Hi Crystal,

      Seems like you have a young, cheating husband. You are responsible for your own decision but I will tell you a little secret…….there are better men out there, much better. Ones that will actually treat you right. I know this site is flooded with cheating stories, but trust me, you are young, you can get a good man. It starts by respecting yourself and knowing that you deserve an A+ type guy, not a C. Let that other girl have him and the baby, wish them well, and wish them well knowing that you have much better in store for you. Yes the baby will be cute, and I am sorry for your loss as far as your baby, but in all honesty, babies are HARD work, they cry, they poop, they need constant attention……focus on having fun right now, you will have plenty of time to get married again and plenty of time to have kids. Go out and enjoy life my friend, and escape the drama. I wish you well in your decision, take care!!

  29. Hi there, Sorry for such a late response. Well I had tired to break up with ron in August when he came home for a visit stating that I couldn’t deal anymore with everything. I spoke to His friends Ex-Mistress ( The one Ron had gotten the phone number for) She had me on the phone for over 2 hours convincing me that she had lied about Ron and that she only brought him into it so that Rons friend wouldn’t take all the blame. ( No I dont believe it) I had threatened a Lie detector test. and told him I wanted him to take it. He agreed .. I went to book an appointment online about to pay the down- payment and he backed out. I got over it. I had tired to break it off with him when he was going to go back out West. I had prepared myself for the end of our relationship even making a card of closure. basically saying that i need to move on and thank you for giving me our son. also, I gave him the keys to our truck and told him to drive himself to the airport and I would pick it up later… Well. he had me convinced that he was going. He got on the plane flew hours away and then decided that family was more important and flew home.. He was calling me when I went to talk to him out on my balcony and there he was walking up the drive way with all of his luggage. I started to cry thinking to my self “Yes I have my family back” wah wah. Well. It has nver left me .. the thoughts of him being with someone else on more then 2 occasions .. The thought that I have treated him the way I would want to be treated by being faithful and supporting. But when it comes to the sex. ………. Lets just say we hardly have any now. And when we do I start to cry afterwards .. I have no heart in it. he tires to make me satisfied .. but I just can’t help but feel he’s lied . It would be one thing if he fessed up and took responsibility for all of his actions becuase then we could acknowledge it – and move forward clean slate. But denying has made me bitter. Made me not want to be with him. trust him, or even want to have sex with him… It goes against my personal integrity . So last night I took the step to break up. – He slept at his friends house. and I didnt miss him at all. I feel almost numb towards him. meh. I know what love is and consideration of how my actions could hurt someones and that is all I want in return.. Treat someone the way you would want to be treated.. and If you can’t then its time to try something new.. ..

  30. So, it’s time to be honest. He’s cut ties with the other woman. But I can’t help but wonder, am I thinking about saying for the no other reason then I want the other women to realize at the end of the day he’ll always want me? What I mean is she developed feelings for him (by her own admission) and I simply don’t want them together. I know, I know, immature and stupid—but I can’t help but feel satisfaction when he tells her what a mistake she was and that he only wanted sex from her. It doesn’t make his actions right, logically, I know that. But knowing she is, as she says, “heartbroken” and “crying for weeks” (she ACTUALLY tried to get sympathy from me!) makes me feel better. Am I a horrible person? I wanted to die the day after I found out – and I know any pain they may (or may not) feel won’t minimize my pain but, is it normal to feel like even if I don’t want him she can’t have him either.

    This has been such a blow to my self-esteem, wondering what i can do or say to keep him interested (i know, there’s nothing wrong with me, it just made me take a step back and think – what did she have that I didn’t?) He says nothing, that he loves me and I’m beautiful – but his compliments are a bit hard to believe!

    Please only helpful responses, I’ve already admitted how immature and stupid this reasoning is. Thanks 🙂

    1. Samantha,

      You are not crazy at all, your thoughts are very normal. When I finally left I struggled with that thought that ‘she won’, she broke up the marriage. I let her break us up. Very real feelings and I appreciated your honestly in saying you might be staying just so that ‘she can’t win’. But for me, when I really looked at the situation, I left because by that point, I figured she could have him, it was too much stress for me, and when I thought about it, if he could lie so much to me, do I really think he is going to be totally honest with her? No, it doesn’t work that way, people are who they are, if he lied to you or covered up the cheating, he will do the same to her, eventually. When I added up all the traits, he just didn’t deserve me.

      But that is where self-esteem kicks out butt in this situation. At the end of the day, a cheater cheats because he made the decision to cheat. I know cheaters that cheated on models, on women that catered to their husband’s every move. His decision to cheat was HIS, do not accept that he cheated because you were inadequate, not true. Is the marriage perfect? Are you perfect? No, but guess what? No one is so you can justify cheating with problems in the relationship. Why did he cheat with her? Because she was the one around that would accept being the OW. I promise you sometimes it is that simply. Take Care!

  31. Hi. My husband and I have been together for 19 years and have been married for 16 years and we have 2 children. Three months ago, I found out that my husband has been having affairs over the past 5 years with 11 different women. He ended things with the most recent one at that time and wanted to make our marriage work. I decided that I would too, as devastated as I was. We started marriage counseling and are still going. Overall, things are going ok. I have my struggles each day along with the anxiety that can come with it. It is hard for me to believe that he will not do this again. He met all of those women on that sleazy website, It’s a website for married people to cheat on their spouse. Of course, there are single women on there as well.

    At times, I wonder if he compares me to those other women. Now, I have seen 3 of them and actually met one face to face. The way that I put it is that he cheated down. They aren’t these beautiful, gorgeous, young women. I am not saying that I am all that, but I feel that I am better looking than the ones that I have seen. I know it is not all about looks either, but I am just trying to figure out why he cheated, and why with so many. He told at least one of them that he was not looking to leave me and did not want to leave me. He was not looking to replace me. I know that was at least 1 truth that he told because she confirmed to me that he said that. So, if that was the case, why did he risk losing everything…me, our home and breaking up our family?? I don’t understand it. Now, things will never be the same. These affairs have changed things forever! I miss the comfort of being able to trust him. It really stinks not to be able to trust the one person you should trust the most. I will be starting individual counseling next week and he will be calling to set up individual sessions as well along with our couples sessions.

    Thanks for listening and giving me any feedback you have.

    1. Hi Sherry,

      Good for you to get individual sessions as well, 11 affairs is something that needs individual therapy, regardless of the state of the marriage.

      I know you ask why he did it, and my answer to you might be too simplistic, but he did it because he could. It wasn’t about looks, or intellect. He choose you as the wife, and you are great. He just is greedy and wanted more. More attention, more sex, and variety. And he wanted it from different women, not just you. That’s it, end of story. I know it sucks, but that is typically what happens.

      Now, what the couples therapist has to figure out from him is, why he needed so much attention. What does he gain by it? Because if he doesn’t know, he will cheat again. He cheated 11 times, what’s preventing him from doing it again?

      Not trying to scare you, but want to make sure you are asking the right questions in the sessions, because your main goal is to get an understanding of if he is serious about stopping the ashelymadison gig. What is he doing outside of therapy, is he transparent, is he looking up ways to rebuild trust, ect. His actions will give you the answer.Take care!

  32. Thank you for replying. He has cancelled the ashley madison account he had in front of me. He also had a secret bank account to fund it and he cancelled that account as well. He called the bank in front of me with his phone speaker on so I could hear him confirm with the bank that the account is closed. Also, any funds that were directly deposited from his job are now going into our main bank account and he showed me the email he sent to the lady in charge of that where he works saying that is indeed what is happening. He has connected our cell phones so anything that comes through on his phone, comes through my phone. He seems to be doing all that he can to rebuild the trust. I can search his phone anytime I want. If he is on the internet from his phone, he isn’t hiding anything. he will show me what he is doing. His computer is in our bedroom so I can see anything on there as well that he is doing. I feel he is really trying and doing all that he can to rebuild the trust and improve our marriage. We google chat throughout the day while he is at work. If I call, he will answer. He is being understanding about my feelings and any hurt I feel at times from what he has done. He has apoligized many times for what he had done. He is remorseful. I feel we are heading in the right direction. I know we have a long road ahead of us and it will take time to be able to trust him again, but, I think we will be ok in the end and come out stronger than ever.

  33. Hi. I was cheated on by my husband one month after my son was born. It lasted for 8 months. It was terrible. It was his ex girlfriend. He says he ended it with her. I just feel so bad about myself. We have been in therapy for a few months. Since he stopped seeing her things r better. I wonder if he is only trying cuz he isn’t with her. I question all the time if the sex was better. I know who she is. I compare alot. He says he is confused about if he is attracted to me or not. I gained some weight since I am breastfeeding son. In the summer he would lie all the time to me. And tell me that he was not in love with. He says he he hated me. But not anymore. No when I have had sex with he isn’t having an orgasm. I don’t know why. It is killing me inside. I can’t sleep. It is really bothering me. I don’t know what to do about it. Please help

    1. Hi Madelyn,

      I think you really have to think about if this is the right person for you. A partner is suppose to lift you up, how hurtful that he impregnated you, and of course by default you gain weight, and now he is saying he is confused if he is attracted to you? That is not fair to you. He is telling you he is not in love with you? This is why you are feeling bad, he is putting you down and as a wife it is just not suppose to be like this. Your husband is suppose to uplift you. If you gain weight, he is suppose to say I am going to work out with you and help support you. I think you should take some time and think about your life and where you are right now. Think about what you have been though with your husband. Think about a few years from now and what you will/will not have to potentially deal with. His words are really hurtful and as long as you are around him and he continues to behave this way, you will feel the same way? Have you talked to him about how his words make you feel? Hugs to you.

  34. Do you believe people can change?

    I know it’s hard but I want to believe they can.

    Do you believe there are people who don’t cheat? I don’t know I have only been with this one so I don’t know

    1. Hi S, yes I do believe people can change. But I don’t think it’s another human beings job to ‘help’ one change. That person has to want to change and you can tell by their actions. Do I believe there are people that don’t cheat. Yes, yes yes there are people who do not cheat. The issue of cheating is so much bigger than an individual person. Make sure you are on my email list, my first book will be about this very topic. Hugs to you!

  35. It has been two months since I found out about my husbands affair with a girl less than half my age. I have tried to forgive him, and he says he’s sorry, that she pursued him and he was weak, and he wants to make our marriage better than ever now, but I can’t seem to get past needing to know exactly WHY, or the accompanying disintegration of my self esteem. He does little things like texting me several times a day now, and we have a weekly Date Night, but he seems to have a hard time coming up with any kind of sincere affirmations or compliments, even when I ask for them, and if I was hoping for any grand gestures on his part, well, so far nothing. I have always considered myself reasonably attractive, but I now feel fat, clumsy and foolish much of the time, and he is already losing patience with me and saying I need to move forward. I have been starting to think maybe I should, perhaps without him.

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