Impact of Finding Out Your Partner Cheated – Part II

Part I of this series dealt with the impact of finding out your partner cheated as it relates to your self-esteem. Part II focuses on trust within the marriage.

From the moment you find out that your husband has cheated on you, you question everything. Trust is shattered like a broken window. You not only question what he tells you about his affair, but everything he has ever told you—and everything he tells you for some time after. For example, he could tell you he is going to the store and you may wonder, “Is he really going to the store, or is he going to see her again?” You may think this whether the affair was two days, two weeks, two months, or two years ago.

Building that trust back after the affair is difficult, but possible. Why is it so difficult? For starters, some women can’t get over the fact that their own husband could lie to them repeatedly. “How could he lie to me so easily?” Then you start wondering if your entire marriage was built on a lie, and if you even know him at all. You start beating yourself up for trusting him, to the point where you do not even trust yourself anymore.

Rebuilding trust takes time and hard work. First, your husband has to be open, meaning nothing is in hiding anymore, email accounts, phones should all be accessible and not hidden. This is a difficult concept for some cheaters but an important step in rebuilding trust. As a couple, you should talk about the actions that he has to take in order to start to build the foundation again. Communication and openness is important in rebuilding trust. Last but definitely not least, you have to work on trusting yourself again.

Part III will explore the final part of the impact an affair has on a marriage.

4 thoughts on “Impact of Finding Out Your Partner Cheated – Part II”

  1. This past year has been really hard on me. I learned that my husband was secretly texting and meeting a woman whom I had met. I confronted him and he said we’re just friends. I found his password after he stopped texting her and he started emailing her. My life has went downhill from that moment, then he has started texting other women and even looking up women online. No matter when I try to talk to him, or express my feelings I’m told I just don’t trust him or its all in my head. We have been married 23 years now and I can’t get over it or when I look into his eyes no matter what he is saying to me, I DON’T TRUST ANY THING COMING OUT OF HIS MOUTH.. He tells me his PTSD has changed him, but what is going on with him last year is different. I am suffering from depression and have closed myself in, lost large amount of weight and can not seem to pull my self out. I used to be happy on life, very sociable and full of dreams. Now, I don’t wont anyone to be around me.

    1. Betrayed – you have had a rough year, full of hurt and pain. But I want to remember something that took me a long time to learn, but once I did, everything changed, and that is this – You are not defined by your husband’s actions. I did the same thing, All I wanted was for my husband to treat me right, and I defined my happiness by his actions, because that is all I had. I did not have enough self-esteem to gain happiness from within. And you know what happened? He kept rejecting what I wanted, over and over again, the lies continued, the cheating continued, and I felt miserable. He was not helping me at all. I was really low, so low that I started having health issues. And that was a turning point for me. I was holding on to all of the pain and misery from my husband’s actions and I had to let it go – because it was not mine to hold onto, that was my husband’s actions, not mine. And once I did, I started to live again, and you will as well my friend. You have dedicated and had 23 wonderful years of marriage, and no one can take that away.But now it is time for you to focus on you and start really living. You have dedicated your life to marriage, now it is time to dedicate your life to you. There are exciting things in store for you, it is just a matter of shifting your thoughts away from your husband and back to you, back home. Also, if you are in a position to see a therapist, I think that will help you in your journey as well, take care!

  2. Hello, since the beginning of my relationship and now marriage I have been lied to abused physically and mentally many times while I was pregnant. We now have a 4 year old and a 3 year old. My husband cheated, lied, stolen and put his hands on me. I will not make any excuses for him he was a prescription drug user because of a bad back surgery and mixed with alcohol all this brought a different creature. Last year in May I put him out and actually obtained a permanent restraining order and the state had enough documentation to enforce it. He has since went to rehab and has literally done a complete change no pills, church and is an awesome to the boys and has been back in my home for about 3 months the boys are happy but I am empty. I have forgiven him, but wow it is all still there and so fresh that I don’t even know where to start. He has cried and is sincere but a part of me is waiting on that animal to resurface, and I am lost as to what I need to do to heel. I honestly do not know if I can say I love him, I do know my boys are much happier but what about me do I just walk a way with out even trying because honestly right now we are just room mates, he literally has a bed in the boys room and is happy in there because he missed them so much. He tried to hug me yesterday I did let him but did not reciprocate because I feel dead inside. I need help and I know this . I know all my trust issues and insecurities are not from him alone I had a horrible childhood. That is a book in itself. I have two older children that are 26 and 18 so this is not my first rodeo with relationships my first husband passed away so I am very aware of how I should be treated, I am just not sure the lesson GOD is wanting me to learn. I am willing to do what ever it takes however my happiness and self worth can not be altered anymore.

    1. Buckeye Girl,

      You are in a tough position. Your husband has done some mental damage to you from his past that has left you empty inside, and probably scared because of the past abuse. I know your kids love daddy around but at the same time they don’t want to see mommy miserable. You mentioned something very key, and that is that you are not sure if you are learning the lesson that God has in store for you. The fact that you are even searching for a lesson is wonderful news. Don’t try to find the lesson, it will come to you. Don’t try to figure out what to do, just be right now. No one is forcing you to make a decision, which is great. I would focus on YOU at this time and trying to heal. Once you are in a better position after focusing on YOU, then you can look to see what to do about the marriage, especially if he is not disrespecting you and the kids. Physical and mental abuse is very traumatizing, especially if you had a rough upbringing, abuse has a sick way of re-affirming what should not be re-affirmed. I would strongly consider looking into therapy, even if it is only a couple of sessions to help you heal. If your husband is willing to watch the kids, I would also look into having some ‘YOU’ time at least once a week where the focus is solely on doing activities that you enjoy. It’s ok to be in pain, and it is ok to not know what to do, surrender to the belief that you have to decide right now, and use that energy to focus on you first, then the marriage. Hugs to you!

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