I’m Divorced

Today I would like to share with you that I am divorced. I have not been writing too much about the process until now because divorce is already complicated, and I just wanted to get through it.

After discovering my husband’s infidelity, I continued to live with him for 18 months, trying to come to terms with the situation and decide if I was going to stay or leave. I finally decided to leave and have been living on my own now for over a year and a half. I did not start the actual divorce process until last July because of financial reasons, and in my lack of understanding what the process entailed, I thought things would be wrapped up by September of last year. Ha! Needless to say, things took a little longer I expected.

I felt like my ex-husband (I will now refer to him as my “ex-husband” when writing) prolonged the process by doing things like not turning in paperwork and taking over two months to drive five minutes to actually sign the divorce papers. I feel that he was taking his time as a way of being controlling, and I do believe I did let him control me for a while. But over time, I grew and learned what he was doing. However, even though I knew what was happening, I did not fight or rush him, because I knew that would prolong the process even more.

I am very fortunate that we were able to get this divorce without any major fighting, we still talk to each other about things relating to our kids without arguing (well, at least 90 percent of the time). I am very lucky in that sense, because divorce can get very, very messy financially and emotionally. Although I did not do it on purpose, I think that waiting to start the process actually helped tame my emotions.

Living alone for a year and a half and just reflecting on me and my life has been an amazing journey of discovery, growth, and progress.

While my new status as being divorced closes one chapter of my life, it also opens a blank page on a new chapter. I know and believe that this new chapter will be filled with fulfillment, purpose, and happiness. I have much love for every person that has interacted with me on my journey; you have helped me in more ways than you know.

35 thoughts on “I’m Divorced”

  1. Congratulations, Jewels, on this new chapter of your life!
    Although I moved into my own apartment a few months ago in January…I feel I am still stuck in limbo. Every few days I alternate back and forth between being so lonely and still in disbelief that my husband of 25 years would commit the ultimate betrayal, to being so glad that I’m out on my own and not having to deal with his ambiguous feelings. He alternates back and forth between his own guilt (although never showing much remorse, I just know him so well and can tell) and his attitude of nonchalance about the whole thing and the crumbling of all our history together. I trusted him 110% — how could he do this to us??!!
    I have had some other stress factors lately (work-related, drama with the grown children and their relationships, etc.) so I have been under some real pressure lately. Unfortunately, in the past 2 weeks I’ve had 2 meltdowns….and both times have been when I’ve been with him!! I know we aren’t supposed to let them see how upset we are and we’re supposed to show them strength and maturity — but I just can’t seem to help myself.
    I’ve been wondering if it’s the TRUE realization that this is it. It’s not going to get any better. It’s been over 15 months since I found out. I moved out temporarily last summer; and I moved out permanently in January. He’s doing fine. And me….not so much. I tell people “we’re still working on things; neither of us is ready to finalize anything”…..but I’m just not so sure. Deep down, I still want things to work; although also deep down, I just don’t think I can ever find the trust again. He’s certainly not doing what it takes there for rebuilding. And I think maybe he’s just not wanting to finalize things….because of the financial impact it will have on him. Oh well!
    Again — congrats on your divorce! I’m hanging in there…just not sure what my next step should be.
    Hugs,
    Sandy-Sue

    1. Thanks Sandy-Sue. As I read your update, a couple of things pop in my head. The first is you saying it’s been 15 months, is this it? Is this the life that has been set out of you? No, no, and no (smile). There is an amazing life that is awaiting you, but it takes patience and time. I have been alone for quite some time, and do I get lonely sometimes, yes, but the difference is that when I get lonely, I start to think about the wonderful relationship that is awaiting in my future. I start to imagine a relationship that is better than I ever imagined, and it feels good to imagine that. It will come, maybe not today, or next month or year (or years), but it will come. And in the meantime, I am going to fill my life up with things that I want to do, things that I want to achieve and explore. For you, I get the sense that when you get lonely, you start to look back at the past, at your husband and think that is the best. Not trying to discount your husband, but also want you to know that there is a better relationship in the future by the mere fact that you have grown as a person through this experience, your wants and needs are greater, and your relationship desires are different, and that is ok. Just be careful not to look back so much that you miss out on what might be right in front of you, now or in the future. The second thing is the time, you are fine, I am been going through this for much longer than 15 months. You are fine. Everyone has a different time and journey, as long as you are making incremental progress, the time is takes does not matter. Take Care – love the updates!

  2. It sounds like you’ve found a lot of peace by letting your life take its course instead of trying to rush any of these important decisions. Giving up that need to control outcomes and maintain the status quo is so hard, but once you do it, it’s incredibly liberating! From reading your post, it seems that you’ve learned not only to accept change, but to welcome and enjoy it. It’s a shame that we often hang on to a familiar situation, even if it’s painful and degrading, either because we don’t think we have options or because we’re afraid of the unfamiliar.

    I know you’ve been through tremendous pain to reach the point where you could write this calm, quiet post. It sounds like you’ve reached a state of balance and equilibrium, and I have the greatest admiration for the work you’ve done to get there. For all the support you give others, and for your warm and generous heart, you deserve the very best.

    1. Anna – that was such a beautiful way of stating my journey, everything you have said is true for me. I so appreciate your kind words and support, it’s really motivating for me.

  3. Hi,

    I was married to a sex addict, for 25 years. It was hell to state it bluntly. He took care of himself and left me on my own. He was a mixture of compassion and evil. But mostly just no intimacy and I’ve forgotten what that can feel like in a relationship. He cheated on me the first time after 16 years of marriage. I worked through forgiving him and trying to build our life together. He however, did not change. He had moments where he tried but, no real change.

    About one month ago I discovered after 25 years he was seeing a younger women. He said it had not become physical but it didnt matter. I just could not do this any longer. We had not been intimate for 7 months and something inside me just died. I told him I no longer loved him and kicked him out of our home.

    He is taking his new friend to his family now and we are not divorced yet. He is also living with her. His family loves her. I think that’s what hurts the most. Of course they do not know what he’s put me through or the abuse he’s caused. They love him and will rally around him.

    I am so very sad. I put all myself into this marriage and now at 59 I’m on my own. I haved a wonderful family myself and they are all glad I’m finally out of the marriage. But I have bouts of crying, depression and I want it to all go away. I want to be happy. I also want to stop blaming myself for not being enough. I was never enough for him.

    Will I be happy? will I be able to trust or love again? It’s been so long. I am so very sad

  4. Jewels, COngrats. Renee im so sorry. I think time makes everything a little easier. I have been going through a divorce with my cheating husband for over a yr now. He has managed to drag it out. It takes 4 months to get a court date here. Since reconcilliation counceling will cancel it, my ex requested it 2 weeks before! Then i had to go to counceling tell them i wasn’t interested in working things out because he tells me i have fun with you and the kids. Oh palease! I told him we can have fun being friends then because i will not be married or intimate with someone who doesnt love me or will leave me while i am pregnant because i nagged him to help with the children. SO now i will be waiting another 4 months. UHG.. Are men worth all the trouble? DO you date Jewels>?

  5. Dear friends,
    I have been stalking this site for some time now and can finally make a post. I now have a computer that is not connected to my hussybands.
    Oh Renee I hear you. I am living with a sex addict too. So glad you got out! That is really something to be happy about. Sucks about the girlfriend though.
    My hussyband is a master crazy-maker. I have been with him for 20 years this June. Years of affairs and lying. We have 3 school age children and I always thought I could stick it out for them even though he’s not that nice to be around (unless he’s getting his fix). I can’t take it anymore. We have talked and he says that our relationship isn’t worth working on because he doesn’t want to hurt me again. Basically I am not enough for him and he says he has to supplement. He said if I was just different not so….blah, blah blah! This is where I have learned to tune him out.
    So here we are living together knowing we are done. I am sleeping on the couch because he would just climb back into bed later. I do that too, the bed is so comfy. Had to do that last night but I never went into a deep sleep because he kept sneaking a ‘feel’ I feel aversion and a touch of rage probably not what he’s going for. He can not leave me alone. I look at him and it’s not love it’s his ___. You know? This morning he was mad at me and wanted to know what my problem was. I am able to calmly spell it out for him now. And he goes an checks his email. Ha! No words he never knows or tries to know what to say.
    Talk about something dying inside. It sure has and for me after years of hell this death was most welcome. It was the death of his hold on me. And now the compost of all those years of crap (the little bits of good sifted out of course) is going to make one amazing garden of life! We need to do that, we need to think positively. When things were really bad I bought myself rose coloured sunglasses. For real! Can’t let the negatives get us down.
    Even though it is terrifying to me and maybe not great for the kids. Kids need stability. I am really looking forward to freedom and becoming the confidant woman I had never had a chance to become until now! Until then I am getting a bed for my art studio in the basement. Yay!
    And Jewels you are awesome! So happy for you and your leaps forward. Thank you for sharing. You are a blessing as we all are. Keep growing!

    1. Hello Ladies!!

      Whew…..been very behind lately in posting, life has been hectic, but I am doing well.

      Renee – I wish I could give you a real hug, since I can’t, please accept a virtual hug. You are enough. YOU ARE ENOUGH. Him finding a younger women is not a reflection of you, it’s a reflection of him. I have interacted with hundreds of women in this situation and it is my belief that when a MAN finds a younger woman, it is because he is extremley insecure and needs that validation to make him feel like he has still ‘got it’, and you can not do that for him, espcially if he has it wired that making him young means he still has it.

      I know it hurts that he is bringing her around family, but trust me, do not worry. This is not your battle. Start to think of your husband as a lost being, a lost cause, his actions are not really the actions of someone who has it together. He needs help but doesn’t know it, and you can not help him, so he is going to do things in a selfish manner.

      Now I need you to be selfish, you are 59, the 50’s and 60’s are the new 40’s!! I just met someone yesterday that is 62, is getting married and found his wife through an online network (neither of them were married). All I am saying is life is not over, it is just beginning, but you have to see it that way. You could be in a position where 2 years from now, you are living the life of your dreams. Start now, stop focusing on him and turn that energy into yourself by thinking about what YOU want out of life, what YOU want the future to hold, you will get through this!

      downinluck – Do I date? No, but I am open to it, meaning if I meet someone I like, I will entertain a dating. I am have been so busy lately, sometimes I think where the heck would I fit a date in even if I met someone I liked lol – but i am sure it will work out. It’s hard with small kids. My goal this year is to create friendships with men, haven’t dont that in the past, and guess what, I have met 3 so far that are great people (not dating material, but great men), but the way they live there life, it is giving me hope. I plan to meet more throughout the year, because I think I need to build up some faith – we will see what happens!!

      Acorn – Thanks for your kind words. I can literally see the strength in your words and how those glasses have come off, it’s almost as if there is nothing he can say that is going to change your mind – I was so there, and had to live with my ex-husband for a while before I moved out. You are going to be so happy, the energy of being in a new environment is going to be a breath of fresh air! Keep us posted on how it goes, your kids will be fine, get the book Divorce The Sandcastles Way, I have recommended it on the site a couple of times, it prepared me well. The best thing we can give our kids is to teach them how to be happy through our example, if they can learn to be happy during change, they will be ok.

  6. Jewels, there is nothing he can say that could change my mind! In fact he is really making this super easy. I wanted to be really ready and I think I am. I know I have earned my out and that was really important to me. Just not having to work on the relationship anymore has been so freeing and I feel happier and have more energy. I used to think I was happy… I’d say this mantra all the time ‘ I love my husband, I love my life, I can make this work’. Maybe I thought I could brainwash myself. But my body was telling me otherwise. Ladies, listen to your body! regular belly aches, headaches, severe exhaustion, yeast infections, I had heart palpitations . my body was t telling me I had to start taking care of me. I had to stop and ask it what it was trying to tell me. But for years I wasn’t ready to listen. I am happy and relieved about where things are headed now. I have real concerns for my kids though… thanks for the book recommendation, I am ordering it tonight. cheers!!

  7. Hello Jewels,

    Hope all is well with you and by the look of some post they are doing just fine. I moved out this year and started the divorce proceding did not want to waste anytime he put me thru to much and still said he loved me. He constantly harass me with texts and calls and then he found out where me and my niece lived. Just been awful but the date is here next week and hopefully it will go thru smoothly. It’s like I am waiting for something magical to happen when I signed the papers but I do know my life should be 10 times better. He had a baby while we were married and the female I believe is here ready to take over she can have it don’t care any more my health and my niece well being is my main concern. Jewel you have such ggod advice whick actually keep me strong throughout everthing if I can just stay off facbook that where his girlfriend flaunt the child and herself. Why do I torture myself. There was a guy I met and he was nice and sweet said all the right things I felt alive knowing I’m still married but separated I sort of fell for him he called me beautiful, amazing I deserved the best and on and on it felt really good for someone to say these things to me I felt good and laugh for atleast a moment then all of a sudden I gave in to my desire and you know how the story goes where is he know where is the man that called me amazing and deserved respect and love. Well he is gone after I told him my situation and was so broken and damaged. I feel betrayed all over again then I get used again I am no better then him.(ex). I gave in to the lies I wanted someone to validate me I didntl look before I leaped and I feel so bad no calls no text nothing but used WOW… you would have think I learned. I know their is somone for me that will no more worth because I have so much love to give. Patient is what I need. I guess knowing he is with someone who he has been with all along and I am by myself hurts just a little . 🙁

    cherease

  8. Acorn: Thanks for your encouragement. I’ve been off the site for awhile. I’ve been pretty busy.

    I’m so sorry to hear you’ve also been living with a sex addict. I guess like all addicts they refuse to believe they have a problem, and even when they do they make it seem like our fault. When my x-husband told me he was sorry for all the hurt I swear there was a “but” in there. I’d felt so guilty I’d start apologizing to him for the way I felt.

    As each day goes on I do get stronger. Last Sunday he called me. That set me back because I listened to his lies. He said, and this is going to blow you away, he said “you should have trusted me” LOL, LOL. I went through it again, my gosh! My self talk went like this: I was at fault, I didn’t love him enough, I should have given it more. on and on and on. You know that self talk that leaves you devistated. Well, this week I was listening to someone I listen to a lot. She said, “stop it, the past is the past. You can’t change it and all the worring about it is not going to change the outcome.” “What happened happened.” If we keep focusing on the past we will miss the blessing in the future. When that thought comes up in my mind I didnt do enough I was a failure I’m not worthy of love or I’ll never have love. I say, “It’s the past, Not going there.” “I can’t change what happended, I made the decision to leave. Right wrong or indifferent I made the choice. I made the best choice for me I could have made. I DID THE BEST I COULD, I KNOW I DID.” So now I go on. I forget what lies behind and press toward my wonderful future in Christ.”

    I’ve come to a very important conclusion. no one on this earth will ever truly know what it was like to live with this man. But one bigger than me will know and he is the one who will take what was done and make it right. The cool thing is he’s changing my heart. I can’t change my x’s heart but I can let God change mine. I’m moving on past the hurt and pain. I’m going out to help someone else. That’s the best healing ever. It takes my mind off of me and puts it on someone else. There are so many hurting people in the world. I have been given an opportunity to help out at a womens prison. I hear so many hurting women tell me their stories. I give them what I can and the wisdom that comes from going through some of the same things. When I see one women set free and begin to have a new life, I heal a little more and become a little stronger. Yes, I have a life and it’s not in men or material things, it’s where it really counts in Christ and in serving others. I’m happy truly happy. That kind of happiness does not depend on my surroundings it comes from the heart.

    Ladies to all of you, God bless and set your heart on someone who won’t leave you or forsake you who will always love you. Let him bring the right people into your life. I’ll bet he can do better than us anyway. Right now I’m single and enjoying it. If he decides to bring someone into my life Great! if not Great! No matter, “MY FUTURES SO BRIGHT I GOT TO WEAR SHADES.”

    Jewels: Your doing a good thing keep up the good work.

    1. Renee – What a beautiful, inspiring update, I cannot wait to see more wonderful updates from you!!

      Cherease – Hello there, I am so glad you are moving on. Let me tell you something, your story is a little different. I saw you as a woman that was hurt, recently going through a bad marriage. You know you are getting a divorce, seeing someone else at that point (especially by someone that has repeatedly cheated), is ok. You are better than him – much better, do not compare, there is no such comparison. Yes you engaged with a man that ended up not being on your level. Celebrate the moment that both of you had, for that small moment in time, you felt validated, you felt wanted, celebrate that. Just because it did not last does not mean it is all bad. Just means he was too immature for you, and there is someone better in store. Now is the time to go within and go more work on yourself, think about what you want out of life an out of a relationship, wonderful things are coming my friend, thanks for the update!!

  9. Renee, I love your new self talk! You are going out and living your life and that is so great. How inspiring! Does anyone know if there is a place for people to chat and heal from being married to a sex addict? because it’s kind of a crazymaking experience.

  10. Acorn: Betrayed Hearts is a wonderful program. Also Heart to Heart counseling center Dr. Weiss is a front runner on sex addiction. There are many programs for women who are living with a sex addict.

    Keep in mind you can only control yourself. We as wives of sex addicts want to control our environment not so much to help our husbands but so we do not get hurt. That does not happen. Our husbands will find ways around our control. It’s a vicious circle. We can’t change anyones behavior only our own. So I encourage you to go to one of these sights, join a womens meeting somewhere and learn how to change how you react to your husband. I will tell you it won’t be easy. But if you want change you will change.

    I also encourage you to read books on the subject, knowledge is power. It helps us understand the addicts behavior and our own behavior.

    Finally I will say this he must want to change, you can not change him. I have learned that we can help someone only so much then it comes down to this. Do what you can do for them but if they do not want to change ask yourself a question, do you want to live the rest of your life trying to fix someone who does not want to change? or do you want a real life a life full of joy and happiness and excitement. You can have that even if you stay with him, how you say? Turn your life over to Christ and let him give you a new begining. No matter what happens he loves you and only wants the best for you. He won’t lie to you or cheat on you he will be there for you always. He will give you a new life. Let go of the past and learn to live. You and I both need to learn to live again. If God can change me he can change anyone.

    I am creating a new blog to help women living in abusive situations or just needing help, love whatever. I’m trying to come up with a name for it. welcome any suggestions.

    Love you all God bless
    Renee

  11. Renee, you are a blessing for sure. Thank you for your kindness. I am so happy that you have found something to believe in. I too have found what works for me and draw great comfort and strength from the daily routines. My h does not want to change he makes it very clear that he wants something different. He wants me along for the ride though. I have decided that I cant do that anymore. So much is wrong. I m so drained of energy. My body keeps telling me no by getting sick a lot. My heart, my lungs… it has been very trying. We will be talking this weekend about how to move on… financially,kids and otherwise. It will be good. Thanks for your encouragement. 🙂

  12. Acorn. After the first affair in 2004 I stayed for another 7 years. On October 23 2004 my heart was changed forever, and because of that I was able to forgive my husband. I had to walk the forgiveness out and I learned how to love him. I made the decision to stay. It was hard, and an uphill fight to learn a new way of living. But God is good he did teach me how. Did I fall YEP!! a lot, but I asked for forgiveness and pressed on. I do not regreat staying. I can even say, I thank my x-husband because if it were not for him, I don’t know if I’d have this wonderful relationship with God now. I stayed on my knees asking for strength a lot. I don’t know for sure, I’ll have to let God sort that out. Anyway I’m stronger and more peaceful than I’ve ever been. Nope no regrets no looking back. If you decide to stay you must set boundries with your husband. Get books on setting boundries, go to counseling. Wives married to sex addicts do not set clear boundries. We are affraid of them not loving us. The truth is they don’t. They are addicts. Kenny Munds, a country western singer said, “addicts are prideful and arrogant. They are selfish and self centered and so full of themselves they can’t see past the end of whatever addiction they have.” If your husband is responsive and wants change then there is a good chance you two can make it. But, you are the only one that can make that decision. Whatever choice you make, own it! no going back, no doubts make sure whatever you choose you stick with it and do it will all you have in you. Either way it WILL NOT BE EASY.

    God bless and you are in my prayers

  13. Fellow women, it is really sad to see how men can play with the feelings of women. Realizing that your hubby is cheating is very painful. But you know what, never blame yourself for your husband’s wrong doing, never, after realizing that your hubby is cheating. Follow your instincts for decision making. In tanzania, I have learnt that a lot of men are cheating, I have tried to see if it is something to do with tradition but i guess it is not. The problem is young girls are very materialistic, so they can have an affair with a married man as long as they get what they want. Money, sometimes, men are building houses for their mistresses, sometimes buying cars. So I really do not understand how women in Tanzania will.

  14. Renee, I am so moving on. He has proven way too many times that he is completely untrustworthy. We both agree and are planning and working towards a good divorce. so far okay. He is ready to move on with his prefered lifestyle so we need to speed up the process. The part where I get sad is when I think about telling the kids. Reading up on different strategies is helping. Blessings to you on your wonderfful journey! and thank you for your understanding and kindness..

    Mary, So sad to see that this materialism is so global. I think some men see women and sex as items. This is very sad. A wise spiritual leader in South America said that sex is sacred and has become trivialized. That is a cause of many problems. I think that we as women need to realize our own worth. Remember our own truth and live it! Happy to see you here!

  15. @acorn, Good for you, so proud you are able to move on. Unlike you I am stuck with a man I no longer love and hate more and more each day. I resent him everyday that goes by but I stay for my to adult Autistic sons. I only work PT and have no other money to support me and my sons. When everything happened 5yrs ago I had a full time job with great pay but lost it because the stress he cause me. My house will be paid off in 9yrs and to start all over seems foolish so I stay. I pretend I am ok but I am not. He pretends nothing has happened and we just exist. Life sucks.

  16. Hello,

    I said I would update as time goes by. I am still not divorce my date would have been July 2nd (freedom) but my soon to be ex hired a lawyer and now things are prolonged and mediation has to happen. He told he would fight me but that was a lie. I went for a short hearing today me without and lawyer him with one and it seems the judge really didnt want to hear my side and automatic sided with hi and his lawyer . I even have a poplice report from his harrassments she dindt want to hear it WOW with all the craziness happening in this world with DV you would think she would want to know what happen. Anyway he may have won the war but not the battle i know that is completely wrong but you know what i mean still frazzled by what happen today. Anyway I am going to see a lawyer in the morning and the tables are going to turn. Soon i will be divorce and back to my maiden name and I cannot wait i actually cannot stand the sight of him it literally makes me ill to see him now. and just to think i will have to see a few more times why me? just an update on this journey getting closer i can taste it. All the ladies going thru this it is draining mentally and physically u lose focus at times but u gott keep pushing. After this marriage again is not in my forseen future. Take Care and will let you know when my D-day arrives. PS How does he expect me to stay with when he cheated unprotected and there is a child which is a constant reminder of what he did sorry… a side note

  17. Reading everyones post I am so trying to get to where you all seem to be. A place to move on and be happy. I just can’t seem to get there. I found out that my husband has been unhappy for over a year. He never said a word till it was to late. I was secure in his love and was totally taken by surprise. Needless to say I tried to hang on. Of course things only got worse. I tried talking to him but he just got mad at me. I think I have known for a month or so that our marriage is over. I have tried to make plans based on staying married or divorcing. Basically planning to futures. I do really feel it is a MLC for him but our marriage is being the collateral damage. I know of a emotional affair. Im not sure if it ever went physical. Tonight he came to the house got clothes and left. Said he was asked to play ball. I asked if I could go and he flatly said NO. The woman he is texting lives in the town he was going to play ball in. This is my second marriage and his first. My first marriage ended because my ex was having an affair. Now my second marriage is also over. Even though I knew it was coming it is still so hard to finally accept it. I am so numb and terrified and unhappy. I want to try. I want to work on my marriage. Im not a quitter. But he has checked out emotionally, phyically, and in evey other way. He won’t look at me, talk to me, touch me, let me touch him, or kiss him. NOTHING.
    I am 47, with two faild marriages and I feel like I will never be happy again. I will never laugh or be loved or be allowed to love anyone ever again. I really love my Husband. I don’t want to quit on him. I don’t want to quit on our marriage. I just feel like he has just totally crossed me off. I am having panic attacks and I cry so hard I am sick. I cant seem to face or handle anything. I feel like my life is over and I have nothing to look forward to. I have nothing left to fight for. I have nothing left to live for. Getting up to face another day seems to be more than I can handle. Anyone here who can please give me some advice i would so appreciate it. I am not sure how to continue. Im so scared.

  18. My divorce will be final tomorrow. Tomorrow I will stand alone in the courtroom and after a simple procedure I will be divorced from the man I was sure was the love of my life. It has only been 5 months since he cheated and and went on a 5-month nonstop drinking binge. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the luxury of taking my time; he was drinking and driving and running up credit cards and not paying any bills. I had to protect myself legally and financially. I knew he was an alcoholic when I met him but he had been through treatment and had been sober for years before we married. While we were together I was very happy and he said he was too. He has been sober for 20 days but said he’s never going to go to treatment again, which would be a requirement, along with counseling, to even CONSIDER taking him back. He put me through hell and is living with another woman (a second one) because “he had nowhere to go.” I still love him very much but I love myself more and deserve better than someone who can’t give me a sincere apology or try to get me back (although he says he wants to come back, but does nothing to show me). I don’t understand, like all of you ladies, how someone can thoughtlessly throw away someone who said they loved you. I don’t think I could ever get past the cheating because he is in the mind set of “he made a mistake and now he just has to move on and can’t dwell on it.” Goodie for you, so glad it’s so easy. I am just so sad, like many of you. All I can hope is after reading all the comments is that things will get better. I have always been an independent woman, the house was mine before we met and the divorce was uncontested. But still, I don’t know how I will ever trust a man again. I feel like you never really can know someone. I thought I did and I was so wrong. Jewels, I am so glad you are in a good place now after your long journey to divorce. I hope all of us can find the same peace someday. I have to believe we will.

  19. Sorry for the double post, but I wanted to tell Tazzmomm7 to hang on! Please I advise you to see a counselor immediately. When we broke up it killed me and still is but seeing a counselor has helped me greatly. She made me see that it’s not my fault. I want you to call a friend, family member or even a crisis line just to talk. You will feel better. It won’t be easy but YOU CAN get through this. I am 46 and this is my second marriage too. I too, love my husband but you know, he doesn’t deserve my love. I’m so sorry your husband is being so cold and uncaring but deep down he knows he’s in the wrong and this is how he is dealing with it – by shutting you out. That way he won’t have to talk about it. You don’t deserve the pain. Please, see someone and maybe you can get on some medication, at least temporarily if you are ok with that, and above all talk about it. I know you are scared but you are not alone and the sun will rise tomorrow. Please hang in there!

    1. Hello Ladies,

      Tazzmomm7 – my heart goes out to you. I can sense through you words you feel like a failure, you are so not a failure. I give you so much credit for ending your first marriage and having the courage to get back out there and try love again. Your husband seems like he is living in his own world, and that is fine. You can’t control him, but you can control what you focus on. 2 failed marriages? Just think of them as 2 experiments in love. I just returned from a wedding 2 weeks ago, the husband’s third and the wife’s second. No one looked down on them for that. If anything, it means that they didn’t let the hurt win. Make sure you focus your attention in the coming days on Tazzmomm7 and do some activities that she likes, thinking about your husband and his activities is only going to get you down. You are a courageous women, reflect and use this experience to review and adjust your measurements of what you do and do not want in a relationship. Focus on you and your needs, and take care of yourself, virtual hug to you!

      cherease – thanks for the update, things are moving, but of course at it’s own pace. It seems like he has a lawyer that is really out for his interests, I hope the lawyer you picked does the same. divorce can get so messy so fast, it’s amazing how you can really see another side of a person during divorce.

      Colleen – Thanks for your update, seems like you hit a big milestone with the divorce. I had more time unlike you, racking up the credit cards and such, it seems like you had to hurry and get divorce before he used up all the money. Now you can close this chapter in your life and start a new one. I understand how you feel about trust. It’s extremely hard to think about trusting someone again. I tend tell myself am I willing to take baby steps, totally trusting another man, can’t see it right now, but a baby step of trusting another man, I can do that. I know that fear is there as it is with me thinking I do not ever want to be hurt like that again, but at the same time, I am adamant about pain not closing me off to love. I know I will love again, but not in search of it right now, I know it will be a very different type of love, I won’t lose myself and put him above me, without filling my cup. An ounce of hope can go along way. Take Care!!

  20. Thank you all for your words of wisdom in such an ugly area. Its to bad we all have ended up feeling like this and I thank everyday that I have found an understanding “sister” in all of you. My husband has started to text this other woman again. I thought it had stopped. She is having a birthday party and wants him to come. Ya i know, A little immature. But she wants him to come and he didn’t say no. He said he was busy that day but would try to get there that evening. Of course I’m not invited. And I asked if they were just friends why can’t i meet her. He told me it would be to awkward for me to meet her. Now our third anniversary is on the fourth of July. Her party is on the seventh. If he ignores our anniversary and makes the effort to go to her party I’m gonna scream. Some days I think_____ ok. Ill survive this and my life looks pretty good——- then in the next hour im thinking ____ I can’t do this and why can’t he see how much I love him and what a good thing he has. As I look at apartments to rent and try to get the info to make a good decision for myself and my boys, It can get a little fun. But then the next minute I’m having panic attacks and I want to cling harder to him. I’ve lost my best friend. I’ve lost my lover. My safety net and my future. I’m tired of crying but I cry at the drop of a hat. I wanna scream and kick and cry and hold on tight. but when I make little comments like we used to just joking around he ignores them like I never said it. The other night I was having a really bad panic attack. I told him I was scared. Then I told him that “actually I’m terrified.” He just rolled over and went to sleep. I don’t know why he is feeling like this. When did he just up and decide he doesnt want me? Was I really that stupid? Sometimes he will say something nice and I think there might be a little hope. but soon enough I’m shown its really not true. Only seems to talk to me if he needs me to do something for him. I will gladly help out all he needs me to. but sometimes I feel like i’m alone in my relationship and then I help him and I still get nothing. We are big in scrapping to make ends meet. I help with buying all the stuff. I help load and unload it. I help take it in, I help sorting and all of the stuff that needs to be done to get the load ready. I do all of this to help because it is our life and income. Well now I still do all of that but when he makes the money He keeps it ALL. I get nothing in return… not even a thank you. He just ignores me, won’t talk to me, won’t touch me and keeps texting this other woman. He texts her good morning and good night every day. Las night I texted him night and I got nothing back.. It all hurts so much and I feel like I’m up then down, then up then down. I want to quit but I don’t. I want to leave but I want to stay. If I leave then what if later we realize it was a huge mistake. But If I stay Idon’t know how long I can live in this very sad frustrated empty marriage. What if I stay and he decides he messed up and leaves later. I’m trying to be ok but If I let my guard down and then i have to start all over again later. One time he said he wanted me to stay. I asked if he meant it and he said he really did’t know. Then why say it? I don’t wanna be second to my own husband. I wanna tell this other chic when she texts him that he is married. to leave him alone. but I know it will get back to him and make things worse. I know he told her he needed some alone time and she texted him back ” she is trying to give him space but it is so very hard and she misses him. I don’t know what I want anymore. I don’t have a clue. I would be looking to move to the miami area but am so scared I will pick a really bad area or something. I’ts scary to think of doing this all on my own. What if I fail that also???? Not looking so good.

  21. Jewels,
    Thank you for the ounce of hope. I do hope I can love someone again someday and that I can really trust them. It will be a while, though. Right now I still miss him a lot even though I divorced him and he is living with another woman (because “he had nowhere to go.”) I don’t know what the point of it is, but we still talk pretty much every day. I guess it’s like Tazzmomm7 said, he was my best friend as well as all those other things. And now he’s sober so he’s like the man I knew before all the drinking that destroyed everything happened. I cry a lot. So much has happened since January. This isn’t how I thought my life would be. I have to remember that it doesn’t mean my life is going to be bad, just not like i thought.

    1. Your welcome, I know it’s tough when you see the man you married again, but so much has happened to get in the way. You are right about your last line, sometimes we think we know what is best for us. We think the path that we are on is laced with all the wrong moves. But sometimes things actually work out for the better and you see why all of those perceived bad things happened. I hope that is the case with all of us. Take Care Colleen!

  22. Today was so hard. It’s our third anniversary and nothing. I’ve tried so hard keeping myself together. We work together so have to see him. He is still texting ow. I know there’s no hope cause it seems he can’t live without her and I can’t live with her. I was hoping today he would hold me like he used to and tell me he does love me and wants to try. It didn’t happen. I’m so sad and lonely I don’t know what to do anymore. Guess we are really done and it hurts so bad

  23. Im divorced!!!! today was the day. I have no words its seemed like forever but not anymore. Now its time for me, myself and I. Thank you for all the support, kind words in my time of need and darkness.

    I will be checking in from time to time. This web site is truly the BEST!!!!

    1. Cherease,

      I am so happy for you! What a huge milestone, you are going to love this new journey of your life, it will be filled with faith, happiness and growth, keep in touch!

  24. Omg! This is my life almost on this site. married for 17 years and he has cheated several times. I want out but finances and kids keep me here. I also still care for him but looking at him sometimes I get so angry and depressed. I dont go out the house in fear that I might see his mistress and end up in jail. I have been reading self help books, watching self help videos, My self esteem has hit an all time low I have experienced the heart palpitations the bouts of crying. I have put him out and let him back he says he has a problem and he prays about it for a while for the past 7 years I have not been happy I am going to school to find means of taking care of me and the kids but that is taking to long I need to get out now before I loose my mind. I love hime but I hate him. This past time he left I was fine until 10:30pm I woke up out my sleep and had the urge for him to come home and I went and told him the marriage was worth working on and he came home we walk around like its okay but I am still hurting and constantly thinking of ways to get out.. Advice is very welcomed please..

    1. Hi Magan,

      Listen to your body, it’s so much smarter than we think. At one point in my marriage, I started having chest pains, at after some intense self-reflection, I realized that I was stressing on trying to control my ex-husband, trying to get him not to cheat, get him to talk to me. Once I let go of trying to control him, and let him be responsible for his actions, instead of me trying to ‘help’ him, the pain went away. Not saying that is what is going on with you, I am not a doctor so I can not give medical advice other than you should seek medical attention if you are having health problems. Listen to your body.

      As far as your husband, you are giving him too much of your thoughts, to be honest, if he decides to cheat again, he decides to cheat again and there is not much you can do because that is his thought process, you can not control it. Many women think that if we cook more, look better, get along better, that will prevent cheating, and it’s not true. A cheater decides to cheat, and you have to accept that you can not control if he is going to cheat – let that go.

      Now you have to focus on you, I understand that he says he has a problem, but at the same time he can’t use ‘I have a problem to cheat on you over and over again’. It’s got to be more than prayer. Talk is talk. If he wants to save the marriage, it has to be talk, and action. Anything less won’t worth and will stress you.

      Work on letting go of the strong need to take his actions personal, what he has done is not your fault, it is not a reflection of the kind of wife you are. Once you let go of that message mentally, you will be able to feel a little better. Virtual hug to you!!

  25. Thanks so much Jewels! Taking a step to let go. Try to anyway. This site has been such a blessing to know that I am not crazy and not alone in the way I have been feeling. Thanks for the hug I needed that!:)

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