If Your Husband Committed Infidelity, Be Prepared to Face the Most Difficult Predicament You Will Ever Face in Your Marriage

There is no lower point in your marriage than finding out that your husband committed infidelity. It literally turns your entire world upside down. Anger, fear, and pain become your best friends. In fact, it really is the most difficult situation to overcome in a marriage. The same question plays over and over again like a messed up recorder “Should I stay or should I leave, should I stay or should I leave, should I stay or should I leave?”

If you’re in this situation remember that if you couldn’t handle it, you would not have been given it. Sometimes just hearing that, and hearing that the situation is difficult, will make you not feel like you are going crazy. It is an extremely difficult situation.

Take time to be still and think holistically about what has occurred. You do not have to rush the decision, but at the same time do not torture yourself for years with the decision. That is going to be too painful for you to bear. Trust life and trust that whatever decision you make is the right one for you. It is a hard decision to make but once you make it, you will feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I am not advising you to stay or leave, because you have to make that call. But if you ever feel like you are overwhelmed with the choice, take a deep breath, pause, and know that you are not alone.

Virtual Hugs!!

430 thoughts on “If Your Husband Committed Infidelity, Be Prepared to Face the Most Difficult Predicament You Will Ever Face in Your Marriage”

  1. Searching the web yet again looking for something, anything to help me cope with this nightmare. After 32 yrs of marriage, without even a hint of this ever becoming my life, my husband had an affair, although it was over by the time I confronted him, it has been 8 months of pure hell. A rollercoaster of emotions I was not prepared for. I went from disbelief and crying, to anger and crying and now just such sadness and crying. It is absolutely the most difficult predicament in my marriage. I thought when I first found out I might be able to move beyond it if I believed my husband was truly sorry, but I find at this time, I just want to get a divorce, get him out of my life and somehow move on. I will never be able to forgive him for this, if he was unhappy he should have come and told me, I knew something was wrong between us and I never strayed. He took everything away from me, and never even gave a choice of whether I wanted it taken away. I am in such despair over this, and I have always considered myself a strong, independent woman, but nothing ever prepares you for this, she wasn’t even a younger woman, she was close to my age — unless you go through this ( and I don’t wish this on anyone…well, maybe the other woman if her husband finds out she cheated), friends, family don’t understand how this paralyzes you. I am in purgatory for the sins of my husband.

  2. Judy,
    I am sorry to hear about your husband cheating. I actually did the same thing, saying to myself ‘if that (cheating) ever happened to me, I am a strong woman, and I will deal with it. WELL, my husband cheating rocked my entire world in ways that I never imagined. You still seem shaken up over the situation. You’re right about 1 thing and wrong about another (smile). You’re right in that no one will ever know how difficult this is unless this happens to them – that’s a fact. You’re wrong in that he took everything from you. You are still a strong and independent women, you are just clouded by the sadness of disappointment in your husband. You will recover and the world will see that strong independent woman again. Hang in there, no matter what happens in your marriage, the hardest thing to actually get back is your confidence as a woman. Every single emotion you wrote I have felt for a long time, but I am in a much better state, and you will be as well. I wish the best for you Judy.

  3. Jewels:

    Thank you for your encouraging response. I am stuck in limbo right now, not knowing what I want to do. As my husband and I own a business with two locations, in two different states, I have had him go to the other location to work from there. I am leaning towards divorce, as much as we tried over the summer to get through this, as he stated to me upon the original confrontation, that I will not be able to get over this, and he is right, I am unable to move beyond the affair. The idea that he did this, and began the affair the night I was at the hospital as my Dad was suffering the onset of a massive stroke, which my husband was informed of hours before his planned dinner with this woman at OUR home. As I have said to him over and over, he had hours to cancel the plans once he realized what I was going thru 1200 miles away and yet still had the woman come over for dinner, which then led to the first encounter. What is also very difficult, is that he had so much phone/text communication with this woman for over 3 months, and I barely got him to communicate with me at all, except for business conversations. I kept telling my husband for months before his affair that I felt there was something wrong between us, and he kept dismissing it. I don’t understand why he didn’t come and let me know that he agreed there was a problem, rather than pursue this friendship, in which he was clearly attracted to this woman. I feel like I am going crazy, as I can’t think about anything else. I have sought therapy, but didn’t really find it helpful. Does any of this get better, is it actually possible to move beyond this and stay married?

  4. I think it is possible to stay married and work to recover from the affair. Think about how much time and effort it would take to move beyond the affair. Now triple that amount you just thought of, that’s how much hard work you BOTH have to be willing to repair the damage. You mentioned that you went to therapy, is your husband willing to do joint marriage therapy? Is he willing to share his email and phone with you, so you can start to rebuild trust? I am not asking you to ask this of your husband, but just think about those questions and ask yourself are you and him willing to really make your best effort to repair the marriage. If you’re BOTH willing, great. If not, then one party is setting themselves up for a very difficult battle. In my situation, I was willing, but my husband was not willing to actually execute on the amount of hard work that it takes to rebuild the marriage, it was more of ‘why do we have to do X and we don’t need to do y’, by the time I got him to come around, I was exhausted from trying to carry the marriage on my shoulders, so I ended it. It’s your decision at the end of the day, you will make the choice that is right for you.

  5. Hi Judy and Jewels! Judy, my heart goes out to you, as you are telling my start. My husband cheated while I was recovering from a broken neck and I know how much worse the fact that they weren’t even there for you in a time of crisis makes it. I knew he was cheating and would confront him and ask him to not leave every night and he would tell me Im crazy and he was going to the store (every night at 6:45)
    for three hours!! I too cannot get the affair off my mind, I am consumed by negative intrusive thoughts all day and night. I have shared my story with Jewels, the other woman was also married but wanted my husband to leave me so she harassed me once they were caught. She emailed, texted, came to our home and told me horrible details via email that are burned into me. We are trying to work it out and are in counseling but it’s not easing my trauma, I can’t stand for him to touch me because all I see is him touching her. My only advice is to give yourself the time you need and keep reaching out to women how share your pain. Your path will be shown to you . I don’t know if I will stay married but if I leave I want to do it knowing I did all I could to honor my vows and know Im leaving with grace and dignity.

  6. Susan:
    Thank you for your comments. I am so grateful for women like yourself who make me feel like I am not crazy, but also so sad for women like yourself who know the pain of a cheating spouse.

    I have been on a roller coaster this week, at the end of last week I was going to see a lawyer and then when I couldn’t imagine not being married after 32 yrs, cancelled the appt. and told my husband I would try a little more before walking away to having about 2 days of “peace” to being back at wanting to just be done with my husband. Unfortunately, every time I have to handle a situation with our business and/or personal lives on my own without my husband being available to help (he is currently sailing our boat from Maryland to Florida), I am instantly reminded of his “absence” from my life/business when he was busy with the other woman (who also was married). This weekend our business computer “crashed” and as I am not as competent regarding computers as my husband, I totally flipped out on him on the phone and started screaming when he offered to try and help me as best he can, I immediately threw up to him about his affair, and that he always seems to get to have “fun” and I am left with the responsibilities of everything.

    I am so resentful that he got to do what he did, and yet still gets to have me in his life. How fair is this. Where is the punishment for his actions, I am being punished every day with the pain of what he did after 32 years. This is so hard, I would never have thought an unfaithful spouse is so completely debilatating, I didn’t think I could have so much anger and sadness at the same time…and crying, this is my new past time.

    I know what you mean about the touching part, every time I have tried to be intimate with my husband,all I see his him with her (I did ask for details), and then I end up crying. I met her when I confronted him and so she is not a “blank” face in my images, I see her and him. As they texted quite often, everytime my husband texts me about something, I immediately envision their texts… how can someone possible move on from this, with or without their spouse, because even if I divorce him, the pain will always be there.

    1. Hello Judy,

      I know you can’t see it now, but you can move on from this with the right techniques in place. I found out that my husband cheated through his 300 plus texts to the other woman. I saw every single one of them and everytime he has his phone for sent a text I wanted to cry and did sometimes. I am past that and I don’t allow it to get to me anymore, but it took a while for me to get there.

      The touching/foreplay issues is difficult and you’re not alone. People that are sexually abused go through the same thing, this shows you how tramatic this experience can be.

      Concerning the anger, at a certain point Judy, you are going to look at your husband and situation, and you’re going to want to let go of the anger, not for your husband’s sake, but for your sake. Even as you write your story, you say that he is off sailing, and your home angry, crying and miserable – not cool at all. By releasing the anger, you’re not forgiving him or ‘condoning’ his actions, you’re simply saying I refuse to allow my engery to be consumed by anger because of him or his actions. It’s about perserving your precious mind and energy towards something that makes you happy. I know you’re not quite there yet, but one day when you’re ready, you’re going to look at what I wrote and it’s going to click. Take care and keep in touch!!

  7. Jewels:

    I wish I knew how to release the anger, I really don’t know how to even begin to let that go, and in doing so, you are right, I am concerned if I find a way to no longer be angry, it is as if I gave my permission and/or condoned his behaviour. The anger only comes into play once in awhile, I am suffering much more from the hurt of it all. Right after I confronted him about this and he admitted it, I started seeing a therapist (by myself & he & I together), I kept asking the therapist, where is my anger, I don’t feel anger (and in the beginning, I didn’t just shock & despair), she said it will come. Then it did, but not with the fury I would have expected.

    While my husband has been on this sailing trip, I have stopped taking any of his phone calls because I find that when I did talk to him at the start of the trip, it tortured me that once again he is having a good time at my expense (meaning I am left with dealing with our business & personal issues), as before during his affair, I felt his “good time” was at my expense of our marriage. I have to say that by not talking with him, I am much more at peace, so I am thinking this might be a clear sign that I don’t want him in my life anymore. What do you think?

    1. Hello Judy,

      I am not sure if you not talking to him is a sign that you don’t want to be with him, or if it is a sign that you are in real need for peace and quiet in your life so you can have some time to think and make a clear choice. One of the hardest parts of the affair is actually making the choice to stay or leave, it’s so scary. But after you make it, there is a burden or weight lifted off your shoulders, you don’t realize how much not making a decision weighs you down until you actually do it 🙂

  8. Hello Ladies,

    Again, thank you for all your comments and support, I wish we could have “met” under much different circumstances. I am also dealing with anger and mine has been explosive at times. I caught my husband via a text message,however; I knew in my heart for three months that he was cheating with a customer of ours. I begged him repeatedly to not leave every night and kept trying to get to his phone. (he kept his phone on him constantly).

    When I found the text message he denied the affair and said she meant nothing to him other than they were friends. I then went to her store and very politely asked her to leave my husband alone, she laughed at me and told me that my husband didn’t want her to leave him alone. I was beyond humiliated and hurt. When I got back home my husband was gone. He returned home the next day, I told him if he ended it and told me the whole truth I would do anything to keep our marriage. He called her in front of me and left a message it was over. We argued and he left. I later found out he had “faked” the message and she came to his sisters and they had sex.

    He lied to me about how involved they were and said he wasn’t seeing her only to have her call, text and email me graphic details in the hopes I would leave. He kept lying.

    I am still in a state of rage a lot of times and extremely hurt. My mother passed away in January so I have been hit in every direction possible. I allowed my husband to move home last week and am unsure if that was the right decision. I feel like a chump for working on my marriage, he allowed this woman to torture me and still saw her. That hurts as much as the affair and the deceitfulness. I can get so angry I am screaming at the top of my lungs at him when we argue and trying to hurt him as much as he hurt me. I feel that my anger is my only defense, it’s as if I’ve lost my ability to rationally stand up for myself. I am either crying, obsessively thinking about it or raging.

    How do I get to the place to stop being so crazy? I am up most of the night and very depressed. I don’t think I’ve even begun to grieve for my mother, it’s been so many losses at once.

    Any and all feedback would help. Am I being a doormat for staying? Will my sanity ever be restored?
    Thanks again ladies I look forward to hearing from you.
    Jewels I sending you good thoughts as you embark on your new journey.

    Susan

    1. Susan,

      I am sorry to hear about the loss of your mother, when it rains it pours. As I read your story, it brings back memories. My husband also did things that actually gave the other woman the upper hand, like he was protecting her, and that was so humiliating. Even the part where you said she laughed at you – how rude!! Most women feel like a ‘chump’ when working on their marriage because of the guilt and shame of the entire situation. But I actually think anyone that actually tries to work on their marriage is a strong person. I think Judy mentioned this, but if you work on your marriage and that is not enough, at least you leave knowing you gave it a shot.

      I believe you caught your husband about a year and a half ago if I am not mistaken. It seems like you’re still in the devastation stage. I think it’s time for you to move into the recovery stage. The recovery stage has many challenges and obstacles, but it is all positive progress towards recovery. If you’re still in a totally devastated state, it’s hard to recover. In order for you to recover, you have to really reflect on your marriage, reflect on his actions of the past and present, talk with your husband and figure out if the both of you are really trying to work things out. You both have to be all the way in for it to work – all the way. Not sure if you read my free ebook, but is he willing to stop keeping his phone so tight? Is he willing to openly share the phone with you to rebuild trust? Once you really evaluate and make a decision to stay or leave, you will overcome a huge hurdle in the battle towards personal recovery. You have many more left, but hey, one hurdle is better than none, just something for you to think about 🙂

  9. Hello ladies. It’s really hard to deal with cheating husband most especially if you’ve learn to trust him again after he cheated you before.. This is my situation now.. I’m furious and I don’t know what to do. I just found out through his phone that he is still seeing the girl.. All the while, I thought their affair was over only to find out that it’s not. It hurts me so much and I feel like exploding. I want to hurt them also as they hurt me because that is the only way I know at this very moment that could ease the pain that I feel. I’ve read so much about giving unconditional love and I started doing that for the sake of our family. However, how can we give unconditional love if we found out that our husband is cheating on us? Its like a very impossible thing to do. I’m in my work right now and I keep on thinking what to do when I go home. Shall I drown myself in drinking beer? I don’t actually drink but I feel like doing it.. I feel hurt and rejected.. and I know my husband doesn’t have any plans to let go of the girl yet. I don’t know why. He doesn’t even tell me where I went wrong if I did something to drive him to cheat me. Thanks to this kind of site that I was beginning to control my feelings as I keep reading the different situations that you’ve gone through. You’ve given me hope that after all this, I will be able to find peace and happiness. I just pray that I will be able to control my feelings until then so I would not do anything that I will regret in the end. Thanks again ladies.

    1. Hello Raynejasper,

      One of the hardest parts to overcome concerning the affair is your self-esteem. The pain and hurt was so hard for me, I just wanted the pain to go away. I’m not proud of it, but I tried to drink and use various drugs to get rid of the pain, and it didn’t work (I actually think I will write a post about that). Just something to keep in mind, our husbands seem very similar, and if that is the case, don’t except or depend on him to get you through this, you will end up even more disappointed like I was. Now is the time to focus on YOU, how YOU feel, what are YOUR needs, and how YOU can recover. You’re really not even in a position right now to make a decision on the marriage because the pain is so fresh. Hang in there and don’t beat yourself up for not knowing that he was still seeing her (that is what I did), you did the best that you could with the knowledge you had. Take care.

  10. I have to agree, being cheated on is the lowest point of my life. I found out my husband was cheating for the last 10 months. He says he ended it and wants to make it work with me. I am so hurt, I can’t accept his apology or his love. I feel he chose to walk out on me and our family (2 girls) 10 months ago. He made the choice to cheat instead of coming to talk to me about the problems in our marriage. We have been married for 15 years. How can he say he loves me and yet he told this other woman he loved her. And told her he was leaving me, but he didn’t. I have zero trust in him and feel sick all the time thinking about what he did and wondering when it will happen again. I would like to think we could work it out, but can’t get over the feelings of why he deserves me and the kids, why he deserves to have us as a family and why he should be happy, when I will be hurt the rest of my life. It will always be in the back of my mind. We have been talking about it every day. He has given up facebook and his email where he used to communicate with her, but I am not sure how long that will last. And he has not given me the answers I need. He says he is sorry, but I can’t believe it right now. If he was sorry, why did he continue it for so long? How can he love me now and not then? Why does he want to fix the relationship now when he didn’t want to take the time to fix it a year ago before he cheated. I am just struggling with what to do. How long should this go on?

    1. Chris,

      Another facebook story, so unfortunate. You have a great deal of questions concerning his infidelity. It’s actually a good thing that he gave up his facebook and email (because most cheaters don’t), but it doesn’t really decrease the pain. And just so you know, even if you get all the questions answered, the pain will not become less because of his responses. I think you and your husband should sit down and talk about next steps. Think about what you need to really take some time and think. Can he watch the kids twice a week while you take a walk or just get some fresh air? Is he willing to go to professional marriage counseling? Infidelity is very complicated, counselors can sometimes help in this space, especially with some of those emotions that just won’t go away. Best of luck Chris!

  11. Chris:

    I don’t have any answers for you, I will leave that to others who entered into this purgatory for the sins of their husbands and found their way out, for me it is too early, as it has only been 6 months since I found out. I do want to say that you are the first person that truly has verbalized what I have been trying to get family/friends to understand, that why is my husband also willing to do what is necessary now to restore our marriage, when he didn’t even attempt to work at it and recognize something was wrong between us BEFORE he started the affair. Why should he get his life back the way it was, and I will never get my life back the way it was. Why does he get to do what he did and still hope to get me back. He says he never stopped loving me that he didn’t love this other woman and that he had no plans of leaving me for her (…how thoughtful of him!), and he certainly never expected me to find out.

    I recently have been reading that men over a certain age, my husband is 53, don’t generally begin affairs due to sex, but an emotional need, that sex just is a benefit of that affair. So, I am left with thinking that he drifted from an emotional connection with me, but somehow now I am good enough to have that with again. I told him that I feel like the consolation prize, since this other woman (who was also married) is no longer in his life. I don’t know why things ended, they were over before I confronted him, as is evidenced by the pages of the phone bill showing the communication started to slow down and then eventually didn’t exist any longer. He also admitted that things just ended, but he doesn’t know why, they just did. I have and will always believe these things just don’t end, someone ends them, and because I don’t know who, I am always thinking she ended it, and my husband, who wouldn’t have bothered to try to continue, as he had told me the relationship wasn’t worth it, it was becoming too much trouble. I feel that I am “back” in his life because she isn’t. So perhaps, Jewels or someone else, can help with the constant questions we all seem to have, as to why should they deserve a second chance?

    I am amazed at how suffering from an affair is similar to suffering with a disease, in as much, as we are all different woman, from all different backgrounds, yet we all seem to have the same pain, hurt, despair, as one would expect if we all had the same disease, we would all have the same suffering.

    1. Judy, I love how you correlated cheating to a disease, the similarities are amazing. I can understand both you and Chris’s perspective. Most of the time, they always want to work it out. Men’s confidence is very heavily related to their family. They want to maintain that image. But in my opinion, once you both commit to working things out, you can tell whether your husband is really in it to work things out, or just saving face. It might not come out initially, but trust me, the true intentions will become evident. For my husband, it was just his lack of effort. I had to schedule the marriage counseling. I had to convince him why I wanted full disclosure of his phone. I had to initiate conversations. After a while, I got to the point where I was angry and felt like I was desperate or something. I stopped trying to work it out, just to see what he would do. And you know what, he didn’t set up to the plate, and at that moment, I started planning to exit the marriage. So long story short, I wouldn’t get caught up in the questions, I would let his actions tell the story for both you and Chris 🙂

  12. Hello Ladies,

    I agree with Judy that Jewels is the one to guide us through all these questions regarding why she should allow them to remain in our lives. My husband also says that she meet his emotional needs as he claims he felt “heard” by her. He never once told me he was so unhappy. I was recovering from a broken neck and in constant pain and on a lot of pain meeds at the time. I wasn’t capable of being emotionally present as I was isolated, not working and in chronic pain. He always acted so patient and supportive, never once sharing with me his real feelings. I thank him daily for his care and apologized that he had to carry such a heavy load.

    He met the other woman (also married) as a customer, he is a contractor and was hired to remodel her house. Apparently they began inappropriately their struggles in their marriages and offered emotional support which rapidly turned into complaining about how terrible their spouses were. My son worked for us and was at the job site everyday so they began meeting at her store in order to conceal there budding relationship.

    I felt his detachment from me immediately and at first blamed myself due to injuries. He began spending more and more time away from home and talked about her incessantly. I would share my concerns and insecurities regarding her and he would get angry with me for saying I felt jealous and inset about his fondness for her.

    He claims that there was a brief time during the affair that he had decided to leave me and they even discussed how she would help support me financially until I got back on my feet. That is so incredibly hurtful and humiliating for me. I can’t grasp who he is that he could have conversations like that and then walk in the door as if everything was normal. I think that hurts worse than the sex.

    My husband also continued to see her after he was caught for two months. He was lying to both of us at to what his feelings and intentions were. I contacted her and told her was telling me he was working on his marriage and that it was over and he had no contact with her. I again found text messages and knew he was lying, she then shared that he saw her everyday and was telling her he was giving me six months to get better and then he would tell me it was over.

    He did then end it a week after that, however that still feels like a knife in my heart that he could be so cruel to me. I don’t know how to feel safe with him and I am also very angry that he thinks I should just forgive him and stay married. I feel like the back up plan as well. She is twelve years younger than I am and very wealthy and here I was not working, not able to drive and completely dependent on him. I feel like he was tossing me in the garbage as if I had no value to him anymore.

    He expressed extreme remorse over hisnactions and stated over and over that I knew everything. I had received a horrible email from her two months after the affair ended with graphic details about the sex, conversations, personal things she knew about me and my family. I confronted him on this and initially he denied that their was any truth to it. It took eleven moths of fighting ,arguing and crying to get him to acknowledge line by line that what she said was true. After each confession he would adamantly deny that there was more to admit to. I didn’t believe him as her time lines and knowledge of myself and my family only could have come from him. Ironically she had much’ more credibility than he did. This prolonged any healing and stopped any trust building. I was dealing with my Mothers death and the selling of our family home at the same time.

    I feel like a fool for allowing him to move home and work on our marriage. He doesn’t deserve me or our family. He threw us away for an adulterous mean spirited whore. I wish I had never met him at times. My children are from my first marriage and want nothing to do with him. I wonder if all these obstacles are a sign that we should just divorce. My children won’t come over if he is here so that means I can’t have our traditional holidays and so forth.

    I am so conflicted as to the course I should follow and whether or not I can ever heal from this. Judy you are absolutely right that their betrayal is trauma. We literally are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Triggers, flashbacks and all the personality changes as well as the gamut of emotions are the criterias for this disorder. I believe knowledge is power and encourage all of us to find a counselor that is well versed in these issues and continue to reach out to each other. God bless you Jewels for creating this website!

    Sorry if I rambled along here, I just can’t seem to stop the ranting and rage towards him and all the pain he has inflicted on our family. I want redemption and it doesn’t feel possible at this time. I mean who would watch someone lose their Mother and continue to lie to them and see them suffering from such huge losses and still protect themselves rather than tell the truth and deal with the consequences.

    Jewels we need your guidance and wisdom. I hope you are settling into your apartment and finding some peace. Thanks again to all of you for your honesty and support.

    Susan

    1. Thanks so much Susan for your kind words. As i read more into your story, I think it’s time to focus on you. I did the same thing in my situation as a test to see if he really wanted to work on the marriage, or if he was just trying to save face with family and friends. I went cold turkey and stop working on the marriage, and started to focus on me. I thought about what I wanted to do, what made me happy, what I put on hold because of him. And then I slowly started doing those things. You are not a fool for taking him back, that is your husband, you trusted him, even after the worst betrayal you could have in a marriage, and he just doesn’t get how incredibly loyal and dedicated you are, he might have to find out the hard way. That chick would never of stayed as long as you have, but he is too blind to see it right now. Remember, it’s not your job to ‘make him pay’ (takes too much of your precious energy). TRUST ME, he will pay in his own time. When the family falls apart, everyone looks at the man, especially with infidelity. He might think he has the upper hand, but just wait, it might not happen right now, or even within the next year, but one day he is going to regret what and how he treated you – unfortunately, by the time our husbands ‘wake up’, we have mentally removed ourselves from the marriage. Hang in there, things will get better.

  13. Susan:

    I am sure that I feel like everyone else when I say, ramble away. We are the only ones who will not get tired “talking” about this, because I know for myself, and it sounds like for you too, that it is all you want to talk, rant, cry, etc. about. I am both possessed and paralyzed by this. My brother died last February after a very aggressive form of cancer, and I can tell you that my grief over my husband’s affair is far worse than I felt over my brother, because as sad as I was to lose my only brother, he didn’t do anything to cause my suffering, it was not his choice — my suffering from my husband’s affair was totally in his control, and as I told my husband, someone who loves their spouse and professes to be happily married (although like you, I told him for months before the affair their was a distance between us – which he denied) does not cheat, does not cause them this much hurt on purpose, because his affair was certainly no accident.

    I wish I had the commitment and courage to make a decision and stick with it, whether that means leaving or staying, but the indecision, the wavering is so difficult. Jewels, how do you know when you need to move on, do you have any doubts or are you 100% sure, with no regrets?

    Thank you to all who responded and those who might not respond but just read these comments, because at least it helps us know we have a bond with strangers who because of this nightmare are more like friends.

    1. Judy you asked how I came to my decision about my husband….

      I had doubts, but once I made my decision, that was it, there was no turning back. I haven’t talked about it much on the blog but I am a believer in affirmations. I just kept telling myself that the decision I made is the best for me and my family. I made my decision because I literally was worrying myself sick over this. I had to stop, it was causing me to have health problems. Then I let it go of holding on to all of the anger and pain, and kind of turned it over to my husband to help rebuild the marriage. He was the one that cheated, so he needed to really step up, I couldn’t carry the load. Well, he didn’t do anything. He wasn’t willing to put forth the effort to make it work. I was angry about it at first, but it was a good sign for me that I needed to leave. I couldn’t be in a marriage where I was carrying all the weight of all the problems, I would be miserable for the rest of my life. That was over a year ago, and it look me that long to save up and prepare for the move, but during that time, since I knew my game plan, I was in a much better state than before. Hope this helps!!

      **And please continue to dialogue, no reply is too long and it’s not ranting to me, it’s healing, we are all in this together!!

  14. Hi Jewels,

    You are right I am still in the devastation stage. I just found out a half hour ago that he has been continuing to lie. I basically had to pry it out of him but he finally admitted that they had talked about getting married and what they would do to emotionally support each other. So I’m home with a broken neck and he’s telling her what a great husband he will be and all the things he will do to help and nurture her!!! I can’t do this anymore, I spent six grand on a vacation for us to spend two weeks in Hawaii for our anniversary and Thanksgiving (due to leave the 15th) and he conveniently forgot to tell me or our counselor that he was lying about them planning to marry.

    I am shaking so hard right now, I have so much adrenaline running through me I feel like I just want to get in my car and drive away. I asked him to leave and he refuses. I made such a huge mistake letting him move back home. I am so angry at myself for once again falling for his crap.

    We have been in counseling since August and he does let me look at his phone (but he hasn’t lived here) and I do have the password to his email. I feel they were all manipulations on his part, he is still trying to control the outcome of his actions and create a false reality for me. I feel like I’m going crazy. Nothing is what I thought it was, I am beyond devastated.

    I spent money from my inheritance to pay the bills while he was out of them house and the vacation. That money wouldmhave covered three months of mortgage. I am such an idiot!!!

    I’m not sure what to do, but I had to tell you what is happening. I don’t think I can heal as long as he is in my life. I am so grateful to have your support.

    I look forward to hearing from you all.

    Susan

  15. Jewels:

    I think you might have really “hit home” with your last comments to me regarding all your trying and then deciding to stop and see if your husband ” stepped up to the plate” and when he didn’t that was what allowed you to make the decision to take back your life.

    I am in the same situation, although my husband went to counseling with me, continued to say he wanted to work at things, it always felt like I was “doing” all the work. When we would have a fight about the affair, or I would just become completely overwhelmed by it and my emotions would take over and I would start to cry, more often than not he would shut down (like he did before the affair) and not try to console me, just sit in silence. And on the nights that it would turn into a big fight and I would ask him to sleep in another room, the next day, he would not broach the subject with me, I would have to approach him about it, and I told him that always hurt me, that if he truly wanted things to try and get better, he would need to broach the subject of the affair with me, whether it was after a big fight, or just when he knew I was sad. I gave him a book that I had read and asked him to read it as well so he could understand what I was actually going thru (PTSD), he read a couple of chapters when he was travelling this summer, but then gave the book back to me saying he would read the rest later(never again asked for the book), but found plenty of time to read “charts” to prepare for his sailing trip.

    Whenever I have asked my husband why he doesn’t broach the subject of the affair with me, asking me what kind of a day I am having, do I want to talk about it, or anything related to the affair, he says because he wishes it had never happened and just wants it to go away, so of course he doesn’t want to bring it up. I have told him over & over, that shutting down is only reminiscint of his shutting down and not coming to me before the affair to tell he me he was worried about us, things were different (as he says he realizes now). Recently, when I told him I probably wanted to go to an attorney, he totally shut down, just accepted it, when I became “weak” about the impending divorce, I sent him a long e-mail to which he responded & said all the things about always loving me with the last breath of his body, etc. So I said I would hold off and give things a try a little longer, ,then when the weekend computer incident happened & he wasn’t here to assist me & I threw the affair up to his face and stopped talking to him, all his texts/e-mails have been related to business only, with no “I love you, I’m sorry” nothing — I had told him during the summer that no matter how I react or treat him due to the affair, during this time of us trying to work things out that he has to continue to try to show me how he feels, to basically get me to fall in love with him again. I told him that as long as he continues to shut down like he did before then he isn’t making the changes he promised to make, and how can we go forward when he continues to go backwards. So with all this, my question to you Jewels, are these similar to the signs that led you out the door.

    1. Judy,

      My situation was a little different, my husband doesn’t shut down, when he gets in an uncomfortable spot, he deflects. So if I say, you really hurt my feelings, instead of actually listening, he just says ‘you hurt my feelings too’. Grr!! At the end of the day, I can’t really tell you what the signs are that will lead you to make your decision because I don’t know your entire story. That is why you have to assess and just trust that whatever decision you make is the right one for you. Trust it.

  16. Judy,
    I can totally relate to your feelings and frustrations about your husband not being the one to bring things up. I always feel more betrayed and discounted because I am left dealing with on my own because my husband doesn’t want to look at his selfishness and cruelty. I look at as he is still being selfish and only thinking about himself. I also had to be the one to say we should go to counseling. He goes but still minimizes his actions. I have needed my husband to be honest, open and courageously face exactly what he has done to me. The truth is ugly yet it must be faced dead on and brought to light. How else can we begun to feel any goodwill towards them when they keep letting us bear the burdens while they compartmentalize and deny the impact of their actions.

    I’m not sure about whether being away fromo your husband now is a sign that you should truly separate or it’s just an opportunity to have some peace in your home and a chance to think without him being right there. My husband moved home on the first and my anger, grief and hurt has amplified exponentially. He is a trigger and seeing his truck in the driveway kills me(they had sex in it).

    I’m glad your reading about PTSD as a rape survivor I can honestly say that my husband betrayal has been more painful and traumatic than the rape. That guy was just a sick asshole and wasn’t personally attacking me. As strange as that sounds it is my truth. I also have felt worse about his affair than the loss of my Mother in some ways. My Mom didn’t betray me and I miss her dearly and really need her right now but I know she is with God and my Dad and at peace. Those beliefs help me through the really sad times missing her. I long for peace for all of us.

    I wrote an email to my husband last night reversing our names as if it was me that had done all the things he’s done to him. It was really powerful and he seemed very subdued when he called and said he had just read it at work. Maybe that would help I don’t know. Men have an ability to push things aside and not deal with them and we as women are just hard wired differently. Have you shared your need for him to self disclose in front of your counselor. I have and it hasn’t gotten me anywhere yet but I’m going to continue to speak my truth!!!

    I look forward to hearing from you all soon. Let’s all do something for ourselves today that is relaxing and enjoyable.
    Susan

    1. Thanks Susan,

      You are so spot on by your comment about this being worse than rape. People that haven’t experienced their husband cheating just don’t get comments like that, but I totally understand what you’re saying. I often say that the lying was worse than actually having sex with another woman, people don’t really get it but that is how I feel.

      I read a book that said that infidelity is more traumatic than the death of a spouse (I really need to find that book so I can write the actual statement). With death, there are things outside of your spouses control, with cheating, you put all of your trust in someone that betrayed you, that is very traumatic experience. The one person is the world that knows you in and out cheats, it really does diminish your self esteem, you have to build that from the ground up as well.

  17. Jewels, I really like what you wrote about whether he is trying to make it work to save face or if he is for real. I have told him he needs to help drive this recovery if he really wants it. Time will tell whether he steps up or not. I want to try to make it work, but am so devastated every time I think of what he did. He admits he wasn’t thinking and it was a mistake. But that is not enough for me. In my mind he made a conscious choice. He must have known what it would do to me and the kids. And he knew what he was doing. This woman was in a different state and he made up work reasons to fly to see her. Every time he left for a “business” trip he was leaving his kids behind, which is even more devastating to me. Then I find out he was not only having an affair with this woman in another state (old girlfriend), he was having an emotional affair with someone at his work. This woman was going through a divorce so they were spending lunch hours alone in her apartment, him listening to her problems and he, of course, told her how bad his marriage to me was. Funny thing, he never once came to me to talk about how bad our marriage was. They even discussed getting together. So again, my questions still hangs out there, if I wasn’t good enough for him to take the time to fix our relationship before the infidelity, why should I give him the time of day now?

  18. Me again. I just couldn’t let it go from the way I ended my last post. He is doing all the right things, says he was being selfish, wasn’t thinking, etc. He has not gone out since I found out. I am paranoid everytime he goes somewhere alone. So now we go everywhere together as a family (even shopping), something, we haven’t done in awhile. He has given up facebook and his email. I now control these and changed the passwords. I do realize he can set up new accounts on his own, but it is helping me that he was willing to give them up. He puts his phone down when he comes home so it is visible and allows me to check the work emails and phone log. But I cannot babysit him forever and don’t want to. But there is zero trust now. I have lost absolutely all trust in him. I feel he deserves to suffer a bit. I just don’t know how we will ever get the trust back. I don’t know how long he will be willing to give up these freedoms. It has only been 3 weeks. I am still in the devastation period and haven’t even thought about the relationship yet. He is such a social person and likes to go out and hang around other people, I wonder when he will give up. We have talked about taking it one day at a time. But right now, I just can’t get past the hurt and the fact that he did this to me and the kids!

  19. Dear Jewels,

    Thank you so much. Even now, my tears are still falling. I took a leave yesterday to think it over. I’ve tried getting drunk and I’ve been crying all day. Right now, I just decided to be happy and smile even if things are difficult. I just continue praying for enlightenment. Thank you for this site that I find encouragement. I still love my husband despite of everything. Maybe because when I decided to let him be part of my life, I also give my love to him without conditions. This makes it lighter for me because I knew I haven’t done anything wrong. And if ever I’ll decide to get out of the house with my daughter, I would still tell him that I love him but I didn’t like to be hurt again. I pray a lot and I read books in order to recover.

  20. Hello Ladies,

    I have been reading a book titled “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. It is about angry, controlling men. Emotional abuse is the most common form of Domestic Violence, however, it is not classified as a crime yet which is much more harm than physical abuse. It is my belief that cheating, lying and betrayal are the ultimate forms of emotional abuse.

    Judy, at the back of the book, there is a chapter based solely on the indicators and criteria to assess whether or not they are making true and lasting change. There is an excellent story about a man who cuts down a special tree and causes great harm and loss to his neighbor and illustrates the actions this man must make in planting a new tree and how much work and nurturing will be required of him. It really spoke to me as it applies such a powerful metaphor regarding our trauma and despair.

    I look at the indicators of change in the book as a helpful tool in assessing my husbands true desire to change vs. His desire to just have all this go away.

    My story involved so much emotional abuse throughout the months leading up to my having concrete information that he was cheating with her. I was told I was crazy and had to much time on my hands, she was a good customer and providing work for our family etc. Etc. That need for him to cover his misdeeds and create a false reality for me is clearly emotional abuse. As is the ongoing lies about the affair whether they are still seeing the other woman or not. Any attempts to create a false reality or dictate how much we know in order to achieve the outcome they desire is crazy making and abusive. My husband denied and minimized the extent of his relationship even after she sent me that horrible email with ALL the details. He has gone so far as to say their conversations as to whether or not he wanted children(she told him she would have his child) and how they would emotionally support each other and she would pack his lunch, cook dinner etc. Was not really talking about marriage or them being together as live-INS. Is that not crazy making and an insult to my intelligence? One month into a cheap false relationship and he is sharing how he will take care of her and soaking up all her crap about what kind of wife she will be! She was also married and it never once gave him pause that they were telling each other what great spouses they would be while they were cheating on their current spouses!!! What makes them think that each other will be good and faithful to each other when the are doing the opposite? I never will understand that concept.

    On another note, I told my husband at our counseling session yesterday that I was at the end of my rope with the ongoing lies and that if he had anymore secrets he’d better cough them up this weekend or I was done. I have been lied to for a year and a half and won’t allow any more of his crap. He appeared quite shocked, hurt and embarrassed to be confronted in front of our Pastor. He has a tremendous need and arrogance to think everyone should still see him as this great guy despite his actions. He did not want it to come out that hen had talked about marriage and children with her as he adamantly denied that their relationship was serious, he seemed more embaressed to have the Pastor find out vs. Guilt and shame about how much that destroyed me.

    Ahhh…!!!! I think I must be crazy to even consider staying. Do any of you give yourself negative thoughts about what an idiot you are or a doormat for even considering staying married? I sure do and then my anger just consumes me. I know that’s not productive but very hard to stop at the same time. I don’t know how to stop the intrusive thoughts and overwhelming feelings of despair.
    I hope you all have a better day than yesterday. I look forward to hearing from you all.
    Susan

    1. Susan, you are not crazy for considering staying. I personally think that wives find out about their husband cheating all the time, and because it is such a secretive thing, no one really sees what other people are going through. I have not heard of 1 story of a wife finding out their husband cheating and the woman just walks out. They usually take a good amount of time to asses and make their decision, which is where you are at.

      Your comment about your husband being embarrassed more about the Pastor finding out hits home. Men are so quick to do this, but so ashamed and embarrassed about anyone finding out. And because we are also ashamed that we are married to someone that did this to us, it gets to the point where everyone is trying to protect their own embarrassment, it’s just an interesting situation. You are married and it takes a great deal of time and effort to leave.

      Thanks for the reference about emotional abuse, I never considered the stories and lies to be a form of abuse but I can totally see it now, those lies make you question everything!!

  21. Susan: Thanks for the suggestion about the book, I will definitely get a copy as I try to read everything related to infidelity. I should have read & studied this much in school, I would have gotten much better grades, however, it is not a subject I ever have electively chosen.

    I too beat myself up often as to what an idiot and/or fool I am & have been. I am so tired of being taken for granted, even after my husband has admitted he took me for granted & would change,I have not seen evidence of this at all. His sailing trip which was supposed to have taken 2 to 3 weeks, is now going into its 4th week, with “hopes” of him arriving on the gulfcoast of Florida by the end of next week. I had it out with him this morning about how again he has taken me for granted, that not once during this trip has he said, I’m sorry it is taking so long, I appreciate you running the business, taking care of our personal obligations, nothing, just an expectation that I will do all of this. Who gets to take a month off, especially in this economy, to pursue something like this. I told him even under the best of circumstances, that without the issues of his affair, this would be alot to expect of someone, never mind that we are still dealing with all my issues related to the affair. And to top it all, my father suffered a massive stroke in February (as I previously mentioned,my husband’s first encounter was the night I was at the hospital), my Dad is paralyzed on his right side with no speech ability, my mother who is my father’s primary caretaker, was put into ICU for 3 weeks due to septic shock, she is recovering, however, I am running down to my parents a number of days a week to care for my Dad while my mom is recovering in the hospital, and I am visiting her, running our business, etc. and my husband is off on an adventure, the unbelievable part is the very day my mom was rushed to the hospital, my husband chose to leave on the sailing trip. I didn’t share how bad things were with my Mom because I didn’t want him to cancel his trip, but one of my daughter’s told him how bad things were and he still chose to leave to go sailing. This is so reminiscint of the night of my Dad’s stroke, when knowing I was at the hospital, he still chose to have the woman come to our home for dinner. I write these things and can’t believe I still think about what my decision should be, I am an idiot. Why can’t I just cut the ties and walk away, my husband had no problem walking away from our marriage for all those months, even if it was just temporary.

  22. Hello Ladies,

    Judy, I am so sorry you are going through so many heart breaking trials at once. Having lost my Mom in January, I can relate. However, your pain is ongoing as you struggle with two very ill parents and ongoing care and concern about them. I can only imagine how difficult all this must be for you.

    I don’t think that your anger and disappointment about your husband’s selfishness both past and present is wrong in anyway. Even if the affair wasn’t in the picture his leaving to sail his boat around is incredibly selfish in and of itself during such a difficult time with your parents illnesses. Then when you add insult to injury about his continued flakiness it’s just plain cruel.

    I would be going out of my mind with anger and sadness. I commend you on your strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other each day. You are a very strong woman and don’t let him tell you that your feelings about all this are invalid.

    Please keep us in the loop and know I am thinking of you everyday.
    Susan

  23. Susan:

    Thank you for your continued support & kind words. Some days it is very difficult to have the strength to keep going, I am so sad, and so tired of being sad. On the days that I feel more anger than sadness are days I consider “good” ones, because that seems more bearable, the sad days are the hardest. The disappointment I have in my husband after 32 years is that of a spouse as well as the disappointment in my best friend, of which he was. If I was dealing with anything difficult he was the one I always turned to, to vent or ask for suggestions and now I don’t even have my best friend to be able to talk to about this situation because he is the subject I need to talk about.

    But, like you and everyone else, we are at times given so much to deal with, but I am always told, God doesn’t give you more than you can handle, and I guess he is really trying to prove that with me.

    Thank you again and my thoughts are with you as you travel this journey and hope that you can find your answers.

  24. Hello Ladies,

    I need your prayer. I’m planning to confront my husband’s girl tomorrow. I plan to stay in the house and hide and when my husband is asleep, I’ll get his cellphone and text his girl to meet me pretending that I am my husband. I hope this will work. I need to stop this thing already. It causes me stress to the point that I can’t eat. I try to force myself to eat but I can only manage one or two spoonfuls of food. I know I’ll be needing strength for tomorrow’s confrontation but I really can’t force myself to eat more. I’m feeling agitated and restless. I’m keeping my fingers cross. I hope I can meet the girl tomorrow. Please pray for me and pray that my husband would have a deep sleep. I know he’ll be home in the morning so he will sleep immediately. I want to take advantage when he sleeps. I want to end their affair once and for all if I can. Ladies, please, please include my success tomorrow. Just thinking of my plans make me feel weak physically. Gosh..

  25. Hello ladies,
    Raynejasper, I am worried about you! I hope we hear from you today and you let us know if you confronted them. If it didn’t happen I encourage you to really think that through. I confronted the other woman and just ended up more hurt and humiliated. I know every situation is different but it seems it’s the norm that just because they are caught doesn’t mean they are done with her. Please keep posting here with us and I pray you hear things that will help you.

    Jewels,
    I did a lot of research and am in a group for domestic violence survivors and have been learning about the devastation of emotional abuse and it is enlightening to say the least. They have shown me that anytime someone attempts to lie, betray, create false realities they are abusing and oppressing you. Lying is the ultimate form of power and control. Wow do we all have a lot on our plates!
    Judy I am thinking of you and will pray for all of us to stay focused on our healing and continue to support each other. My prayers are with your parents as well.
    I am in Hawaii now with the husband and am a wreck. Tomorrow is our anniversary if you can even call it that. I want to use these two weeks to firmly plant my feet either all in or all out of the marriage. WOW I’m scared. He does know that I am unsure of which way I need to go for myself. He saysmhe is very scared, I am too yet I feel empowered that I know I can’t stay in limbo anymore.
    I will stay in touch and keep updates coming.
    Susan

  26. Hello all:

    Raynejaser, how did things go, did you get what you were looking for, most of all did you find any peace, even briefly.

    Susan, how kind of you to think of all of us when you are in Hawaii trying to focus on your own situation. I am thinking about you and hoping that something, anything is helping you with your own nightmare.

    And last but certainly not least, Jewels, thank you for this site, I have found woman who know my pain and are more concerned about helping with it, than the person who brought it to me. You are truly an angel.

  27. hello ladies..
    Thanks for all your concern.. I tried tricking my husband but it didn’t work. I succeeded in getting his phone while he is asleep but the number of his OT isn’t there. I wasn’t able to see his OT.. but then, I talked to him, I express the pain I’m going through. he just hugged me and didn’t say anything. I feel like he doesn’t want us to be separated but he can’t also leave his other woman. That’s why I’m confuse right now ladies. I don’t know where to focus my mind. I need more of your opinion.
    With regards to his OT, I think I don’t need to confront her anymore because this OT already know that my husband is married because we once talked in the cellphone and I told her about us. I think she’s a crap. She’s horrible. I don’t need to stoop down to her level.

    1. Hello Raynejasper,

      Glad to hear you didn’t have to deal with any drama. It seems like through the anticipation you realize that talking with her is not needed. I will be honest with you, I have never heard of a wife feeling great after she confronts the other woman, we always feel worse, so it’s good you decided for now not to force it.

      The husband always wants both, and men don’t know how crazy that makes us. I wish my husband would of said ‘Baby, I want a divorce, it’s just not working out’. But instead, he says he is sorry and wants to work things out, and little do I know he is still seeing her. That kind of stuff really hurts and leaves you so confused.

      My other woman claimed innocent as well, saying that my husband said he was separated, but then once I talked to her, she knew and continued, so her excuse is no longer valid.

      Is your husband still lying even after you found out? Is he still hiding stuff? Is he willing to share his phone when you are awake? These are some of the things you have to ask yourself when making the decision to stay or leave. Good Luck!!

  28. Hi everyone,
    Well I’m in Hawaii sitting on a lounge chair at the beach and am angry and hurt just as much as I was at home. Today is our anniversary and it’s been tough. I went to the drug store Sunday night to by an anniversary card and about fell down with grief just reading them. They all say the things I used to feel and believe about my husband and best friend. I ended up buying a blank card with a sea otter on the front!! I wrote Happy Anniversary on it and signed it, that is all I could muster up and it kicked my butt.

    My husband gave me a card and I cried, he was supportive during the day today however he tried to initiate sex and I wasn’t able to even kiss him. This turned into an argument about the night after I caught him and he took her to his sisters house and they had sex. I am still so hurt that he didn’t even think about our marriage enough to give pause to that “relationship” or think of me and what I was going through home alone and devastated. I stormed out of the room and came out here with my Ipad to reach out to all of you.

    I am so grateful to you Jewels for havingnthe courage and compassion to start this website. All of you are my saving grace, I don’t know what I’d do without this refuge of support and understanding. I am at a crossroads and know I have to make a decision to either be in this marriage and put forth the effort to do my part in the rebuilding of it or part ways and heal on my own. I am so confused, how can I stay when I can’t stand him to touch me? All I see when he leans down to kiss me is him doing that to her. I find myself conjuring up thoughts of what he did with her as far as all his mannerisms and ways he touches etc. We all know our husband and remember what they were like when we were in the initial dating and falling in love phase and that’s all I can think of is that he was like that with her. Do you all think the same kinds of things? How in the hell do I put that aside?

    I feel like trauma will never subside. Here I am on Kauai, one of the most beautiful places on Earth and I can’t let it go for more than ten minutes at most. At times I feel this is the unraveling of Susan. I used to be so strong and confident and now I feel like a shell of my former self. I live in fear,,sorrow and anger. Judy I’m with you in that I prefer anger to sadness. At least the anger gives a sense of standing up for myself.

    Jewels you were spot on in saying this is the most difficult thing we will ever face. How did you move yourself into the next stage of acceptance. Acceptance is a powerful word as it doesn’t mean we have to like it however it is a place that gives us choice, I just can’t seem to find my way there.

    I am a recovering alcohol with over 20 years sober and my first thought getting into the elevator was to go drink. I’m not going to but it is a clear indication of how upset I am. My husband said I was being irrational in bringing up the affair on our anniversary!! How is it that they can do all this and expect us to go on as if nothings changed when everything has changed. I don’t feel as if we are celebrating another year of marriage. I feel as if we are walking through a war zone of complete and utter devastation. Will these feelings ever go away? One website I found prior to our lovely Jjewels was a woman saying “My husbands affair was the best thing that ever happened to her”. What planet does she live on? I’m a college graduate licensed chemical dependancy counselor and I can’t apply any of those skills in this situation. I want redemption and I’m not sure I will ever get “over” this.

    Helping someone deal with their pain is so much easier than dealing with this. I have begun to doubt my ability to deal with lifes most basic tasks let alone gain any peace or acceptance with this issue. The idea that he called her and convinced her come to his sisters by telling her that he only called her in front of me saying it was over to get me calmed down is beyond devastation. She got love and affection and I got nothing. He had left our house that day supposedly to give us some cooling off time and instead used it to further betray me. It drives me insane to know that she got such a kick out of him showing loyalty to her and not me at that time. I know he chose me a month later but i didn’t know at the time that they were seeing each other but that doesn’t seem to matter to me, I see it as he continued to lie while he was claiming to me that it was over and wanted to work on our marriage.

    I was having sex with him then even though it killed me inside. I did it fearing that if I didn’t he would go back to her. I believed him when he said it was over and was willing to do anything to keep him. He took advantage of my desire to stay married and kept seeing her until she started demanding more of his time and for him to move out. She had told her husband that their marriage was over and she was going to be with my husband. When Klark didn’t move into her house she started nagging him to tell me it was over. It appears that was the catalyst for him to want to stay with me. Did he do that because I am who he wants or will he just find a new one that won’t expect those things from him? I doubt his motives about everything now.

    I hope all of you are finding some peace. Judy how are your parents? Jewels how is your new life? Raynejasper how are you doing? Has your husband finally come clean about what he’s doing?

    I will check for more postings from all of you and keep you updated on my vacation from hell!!
    Take care ladies!
    Susan

    1. Susan and Judy,

      Susan, that sucks that you’re in Hawaii feeling so blue. I can relate to so many feelings. There is nothing wrong with you bringing this up during your anniversary. Anniversaries are times where you look back on memories (triggers!). That can be painful at a time like this, so you bringing it up is totally understandable. Sex is the worst after you find out he cheated – the worst. You feel too many negative emotions, just like you said, on one hand, you want to do it so you won’t ‘lose him’ at the same time, you hate that you feel obligated by someone who did something so hurtful. I use to cry after sex and my husband just didn’t get it. I felt horrible, like he won or something. One time he tried to give me a suggestion during sex and I lost it, was so humiliating cause all I could think about was him learning that from her. My confidence as a woman took a serious hit during that time. I am telling you, our husbands have no clue how painful this is, they just don’t.

      I am at a much better place now, I am at peace and the pure constant anger and sadness is gone, I actually enjoy being alone. How did I get there?? 1st – I made a decision to leave – 10 tons lifted off my shoulder. Judy, you mentioned how horrible the limbo stage is, and your correct. Once you make a decision to stay or leave, a little bit of the stress leaves. Things that use to get on your last nerve (lying, not understanding) don’t hurt as much, because I would always say to myself ‘I am not going to let this upset me, because I decided to leave, so his actions count less’. Say that enough times (to yourself) and he will start to see a change in you, a confidence in you that is going to scare him because he will get the hint your dead serious about leaving. Stay in limbo too long and you can go crazy!!

      I think I did a lot of little things to help me recover, the most important thing for me was that the recovery was about me, my feelings and thoughts and how I can come out of this situation a better person. It wasn’t about us. And regardless if you stay or leave, you have to go through your own personal journey of recovery, every women needs that after the affair. I have spent the past 6-7 months trying to write out the things that helped me personally recover so that one day it can help others. I hope to be done soon with the book, and I really hope it helps.

      Judy, you are spot on in your statement about ‘chasing normal’. I talk about that in the book. I write about how you have to get out of your head the notion that things can go back to normal, it will never be the same, because the trust will never be the same. That changes the relationship forever. You have to face that hard reality because many women struggle to get their marriage back to a certain point but never get there. You can restore your marriage, but it will never be the same as in the past, the trust will never be the same and trust is at the foundation of marriage. So the affair literally shakes up the foundation of the marriage, you can rebuild it, but it will never be the same foundation that was laid out initially. I was crying when I wrote that part of the book because I knew for most women reading it, it’s like reading their dreams of restoration are shattering, but I would rather be blunt than to have women out there stressing chasing a ‘previous marriage’ that I know they will not get.

      On a more positive note, I believe that all women can personally recover, I believe that everything happens for a reason and there are many women that start out devastated but come out stronger and learn so much more about themselves over time. Take your husband out of it for a moment, and you will realize this is really a journey of self discovery and personal reflection.

      LADIES, HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND – GO READ A FAVORITE BOOK OR WATCH YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE, EAT YOUR FAVORITE FOOD, DO SOMETHING FOR YOU. Wishing you the best!

  29. Susan:
    My heart broke as I read your comments, it broke for you and it broke for me, as so much of what you wrote was as if I was reading my own journal.

    I tried to go away for a weekend on our sailboat this summer, thinking it would be neutral territory, but there is no neutral territory when the enemy goes with you. I think part of the problem is we have such high expectations that things will be normal between us and our spouses, but what was previously normal, no longer is. My new normal with my husband is the ever present sadness & hurt. You mention being a shell of your former self, I totally understan, I don’t even recognize myself anymore, I told my husband the other day, I have become this pathetic creature.

    You asked if we all feel the kinds of things you are feeling about the “intial dating”, I absolutely feel the same way, in fact I often tell my husband that he was “dating” the other woman, that the relationship was almost identical to when he and I were first dating , on my first date with my husband, he invited me to his apartment and cooked dinner for me, on the first “date” with Rhonda (I’m going to use her name, in fact I might decide to use her last name at some point), he invited her to our condo and cooked dinner for her, when we were first dating he would call me at random times of the day just to chat, he called Rhonda at random times of the day to chat ( I wasn’t getting these same phone calls any longer), the first sexual encounter between my husband & I was very hot & exciting, to quote my husband from the marriage counseling session when asked what first occurred between him & Rhonda ” we kissed, and then things got hot & heavy very fast…”. So, yes I do think about these things all the time.

    You are my doppelganger in this situation, and I am so sorry, because I know the pain you are experiencing and it is devastating. The other night my husband again was inconsiderate of me, and I was so upset when I hung the phone up the phone, a few minutes later my daughter happened to call, and she could immediately tell I was crying, I told her it was just about her dad & I again, and I didn’t want to burden her with it, she wanted to know what was going on, as she was concerned about me being by myself & crying, well, I then started to tell her in my new way of communicating which is words in between hysterical crying and it took her over an hour to calm me down. So I totally get how this is destroying you.

    I would have never imagined I would behave this way. When I first had my suspicions, I thought that I would get through this and be able to just stay in my marriage if it turned out to be true, what a fool I was to think it would be that easy. It is actually getting worse, some days I just start crying, all someone has to ask is how are things going and that can be enough to set me off into a crying syndrome. I want so badly to be able to decide what to do one way or the other. My sisters, my daughters and even my husband keep saying why do I feel I have to decide right now what I want to do, that there is time. If I want to divorce him, I can do it next week, or next month or next year, there is no timeline, but they are so wrong — the timeline is being set by me, because I want a life back, even if it is not the life I had before, I just want to move on one way or the other, the limbo is what is destroying me and yet I can’t make up my mind. I told my husband a few months ago, that he took my life from me and I want it back, that he had no right to take it away without my permission — but I realize I can never have that life back, the man I used to know and trust doesn’t exist anymore, and maybe never did, because I certainly wouldn’t have chosen to be with this person, who is so selfish and can be so hurtful.

    I also experience the anger that you did from your husband, my husband treats me as if I am the “bad guy” when I bring up the affair at what he considers inappropriate times. I tried to explain to him, mostly in an arguement, that I don’t choose the time or place when the thoughts of the affair enter my head, they just do, like a freight train, and once one thought comes in, it is followed by a flood of thoughts. I don’t have the same luxury he seemed to have in putting me out of his thoughts when he was partaking in the affair.

    And you talked about the thoughts that are in your head when you and your husband are having sex, I all too well know that pain, I have yet to be able to have sex with my husband without me going through the motions, but seeing the two of them together and then I always end up crying. After 32 years, I know the way my husband makes love, and as I told him, I am sure that the way he kisses me, or fondles me is exactly the same way he did with her.

    Susan, I could go on and on about all the pain, but what I want you to know, is I get it, I know how hurt you are, and although I can’t help you rid yourself of it, I can be here, like everyone else to read your comments, pass along thoughts and know that I am thinking of you and so appreciate you asking about my parents, (my mom is improving, but my dad’s stroke has left him paralyzed & with the ability to express only a few words, and yet his mind is totally fine, this is heartbreaking for me to watch him imprisoned in his own body). I know for myself, believing that at least one person understands my pain is helpful, because most people I know who are aware of what my husband has done, are basically acting as if, okay, he did what he did, it is time to move on…oh, if it was only that easy. Take care & keep writing, I feel such a kinship with you.

  30. hello ladies,
    Susan and Judy, I can’t seem to stand with your situation. As much as I want to take vacation too because I feel like I want to have a space but I can’t because I’m not able financially.
    To everyone, thank you. I feel like crying every time I check this site but it is also where I get encouragement and motivation to move on knowing that I have some friends whom I can share what I’m going through right now. Indeed, it is better to share our problem to someone rather than taking it all alone. I’m trying my best to focus with my life and my daughter because until now, I know that my husband is still seeing her. I might as well start organizing my thoughts and plans because I don’t have any intention of prolonging my agony. I know that through God’s grace, I can be able to have a safe exit from this relationship and start a new life full of hope that everything will be alright.
    For Judy and Susan, its always okay to cry because we need that. We just have to try focusing to other sides or parts of our life until we find the brighter side of it then we continue our journey having learned from everything we have had. It will take time of course, but I know and I believe, things will be better soon. Let’s try to enjoy the simple things that we can do everyday and feel happy with our small achievements and success. After all, it is only us who can care for our self, not our husbands anymore.
    take care always ladies and we are one in this struggle.
    best wishes,
    rayne

  31. Hello ladies,
    Judy,Jewels and Rayne Thank you so much for your kind words, support, understanding and wisdom. I have been up and down the last two days but the downs haven’t lasted as long. I told myself I wasn’t going to let her ruin my trip. I am looking at all the energy and time and yes obsessive thoughts I have had over her and don’t want to give her thatmkind of power. She is the nastiest human being I have ever met and I know she would love it if she knew that she was still making my life miserable.

    I am still in limbo also Judy, we are making such a huge life transforming decision that we didn’t see coming. I sometimes think I should walk out the door and never come back and then I look to the future and can’t imagine life without Klark. AHHHH!!!

    Jewels I appreciate your candor in discussing the altered landscape of marriages after an affair. I believe that is my biggest heartache, the anguish of coming to terms that nothing will ever be the same again. It truly is a shocking realization to know on such a deep level that whether I stay or go it will be a new life with a different perspective on everything. If the pain of the triggers continues I really can’t see myself staying even if I wanted to do the work of rebuilding our marriage. Will I ever be able to be kissed or touched by him and not see him doing it to her? If I can’t I don’t want to live that way. That feels like a bandaid being slowly ripped off day after day.

    I agree that we will all come through this stronger and wiser whether we remain in the marriage or not, however I am still so mad and hurt that we all have to rebuild our lives due to someone elses dishonesty and selfishness.

    Judy I am glad to hear that your Mother is improving and very sorry about your Dad. My Mom was in a coma after her fall and she could hear us and would squeeze our hand but couldn’t talk. Her coma was different in that it was from a brain bleed due to her being on coumiden and falling and hitting her head. The Doctors said that even if she survived it she would be paralyzed and have no memory and very little motor skills. It was a blessing that she passed a week after the fall despite the shock and despair that she was fine one day and at deaths door the next. I had just spent the weekend with her in Portland three days before she fell so that made it more surreal as she lived in Southern California and I live in Washington. I will always remember seeing her wave goodbye and walk into the airport and I had no idea that would be the last time.

    I think of all the days and nights my husband came home walking in the door as if everything was normal. I wonder when was the day he did that and everything had changed and I just didn’t know it. I don’t know how you all deal with knowing the other woman was in your homes. I struggle just knowing she was in my driveway trying to get into my house when I wasn’t there and then knocking on my door once they had been found out. She was willing to do anything to destroy our marriage in the hopes of winning my husband. How do they find these horrible women?

    I know I’m rambling but my thoughts are so all over the place. I am trying really hard to be emotionally present with my husband while we are here but it takes work. We will be laughing walking on the beach and wham I see them together and I’m deflated and crying. Jewels you are living proof that this subsides yet for Judy and I it seems to be getting worse. Is this the storm before the calm? I know for myself I was in such a bad place already due to my physical injuries and the resulting depression from that, that it took a long time for the shock to wear off and during that time my Mom died so their was so much more to deal with. It didn’t seem to really hit home until I came back home to Washington that it really sunk in and became more traumatizing for me. It was a year after discovery that I returned home after being gone eight months and the reality of having to live a quarter mile from her store really hit. I have seen her many times and it’s a kick in the teeth each time. I feel like if we are going to have a chance of making it we will have to sell our house and move. That in turn feels like one more loss. I love my home and don’t want to sell it. I am so confused.

    I will say goodnight and thanks again for all your support. You all are in my thoughts.
    Susan

  32. Ladies, I feel for all of us and am so glad I found this site. I am stuck. My situation may not be as bad as some of the others I have read on this site, but it is just as difficult. My husband of 15 years has been cheating on me for the past 10 months. She is an ex and lives in another state so he created business trips to go see her. It was her who told me, he didn’t and I don’t think he would ever have. He stopped the affair with her because she is totally mentally sick. She cuts and has cut his initials into her leg (had to get 14 stitches). She lies and has been suicidal. It has been 3 weeks since I found out and he says he is sorry, what he did was selfish. He says he wants to work on our relationship. He has stopped seeing her, but I can’t help but think he stopped because she was looney, and he chose the wrong girl, not because he wanted me back. Now, he seems to be doing everything right, really trying. He has agreed to not travel for work (I don’t think this will last), he has allowed me access to his email, facebook and phone. He has not gone out with his friends and instead is spending every evening with me and the kids. Even though he is trying, I can’t help thinking he is doing this to save face. No one in our state knows he did this to me. I am afraid to go out with my girlfriends, afraid there will be a trigger and I will start crying and I don’t want to have that conversation yet. He took me out for a drink last week and a song triggered it for me. I just started crying and we had to leave.
    I don’t understand how he can say he is sorry when he had to try so hard to see her again and again. He says it was a mistake and I tell him, it was not a mistake, he knew what he was doing and made that choice. I don’t see how he can say he loves me and wants this family to stay together when, in my mind, he walked out on us 10 months ago. I would like to work it out, but can’t get over the fact that I am hurting and don’t see how he can be hurting. I want him to hurt. My morals tell me he doesn’t deserve to be able to cheat and get the family back. Why should he end up with all he wants? And I will always have this memory, this hurt and this mistrust. I told him I think we should split and all he can say is “if that is what you want”. If he really wants this, I don’t understand why he wouldn’t fight a little harder to make it work. Why would he just give up when I say so (which is why I think he is only doing this to save face). He puts it all on me saying he has no say in what happens, it is all up to me. I have told him it is not all up to me. I don’t get why he is not making an argument about forgiveness and the future. He just wants to move on and forget about it. I don’t want to move on until he hurts somehow. The only way I will see him hurt is by taking the kids away and having him lose his family or have his friends find out (everyone thinks he is so great). But I too am embarrassed. If someone finds out, what are they going to think of me for staying with a cheating husband. I think, would I want this for my kids? Am I setting the wrong example for my kids if I decide to stay and work on this?

    1. Good morning Chris,

      Since it’s only been 3 weeks, you’re still in what I call the devastation period. You don’t know whether to scream or cry, and it can change at a moment’s notice. I want to share something that I learned through that period of my life. The more you want him to get hurt, the more disappointed you will be, and let me tell you why. The day after I found out about the affair, I was a wreck. My eyes were red shot, I was weak, I called off work, I was literally in shock. Do you know that he woke up like nothing happened, called his friend, and they went biking riding at around 10am. I was beyond hurt, how could he just go out with friends like nothing happened? How could he not be hurt that I was hurt? Then it turned to anger and the ‘I want him to get hurt’. At one point, I didn’t want to talk to him, because I wanted him to hurt. I went out with a girlfriend, and stayed the night at her house, I wanted him to get hurt as much as I was hurting. Finally, after I found out he was still cheating, in a big of rage, I called his mom and told his family. I knew he wanted me to protect him by not telling anyone, so to hurt him, I told all of his family. And you know what Chris, all of those attempts to hurt him didn’t even scratch the surface of working (I wanted him to hurt as much as I was hurting). He told his family this is between me and him, and didn’t entertain comments. After a week, his family was acting normal again, like nothing happened (everyone thinks my husband is great as well, and I feel like from a family perspective, they still do). He was upset for about 3 hours that I spent the night with a girlfriend. A few times when we talked about the whole infidelity , and he started crying and said he was sorry, but the intention of the conversation was not to make him hurt. What I personally learned that if your goal is to try to make him hurt as much as you, it typically backfires. You think that making him hurt is going to make you feel better, but it just doesn’t do it. The reason why is because you have to heal from all of the emotions yourself, working on his emotions might not work as you had intended.

      Your feelings are valid and very normal, and since you just found out, I would talk to your husband about giving you some time alone. Tell him to watch the kids, and get out of that house. You can go to a coffee shop, bookstore, mall, walk, whatever makes you feel good. During this time, you need to have time to yourself to just breathe, and it’s hard when you have ‘life’ (kids, husband, money) to think about. He might get a little nervous that you’re going out alone (he might think you’re going to cheat or something), but that is something he has to deal with. Especially while is is not traveling, take advantage.

      Your husband took a good first step of opening up his facebook, email, phone with you, many men don’t, even after the affair. In some sort of weird way, he might be really embarrassed that he got with such an emotionally unstable woman. It’s really hard to tell why your husband is reacting the way he is. I will just tell you with me, I felt my husband was trying to save face because he said he wanted to work things out, but didn’t want to put any action behind it. Tell your husband you feel now that he cheated you need him to work (work is the key word) on helping to recovery the marriage. It is hard work, but your marriage can survive. A couple of things your husband can do it set up therapy, do some research on what it takes to recovery marriages with infidelity, and anything else that you think would make you feel comfortable. The couples that make this work work on rebuilding trust everyday. Talk to him about getting out of that mentally that is it all on you, as you already have enough to think about, if this is going to work, tell him that he gave her 10 months of ‘action’, that he needs to put the same amount of ‘action’ into saving the marriage.

      Chris, how old are your kids? You can set a good example by staying or leaving, it all depends on how you and your husband are dealing with the situation, but again, no need to decide all of that, you need some time to sift through the array of emotions you have now before thinking about leaving, kids, etc…

      Lastly, this cheating thing is so taboo, society paints this picture that if your husband cheats, you leave – I have never heard of a case for far where that is true unless your a multi-millionaire. It’s just not true, most women stay because they need to sift through their emotions and can’t leave right away because of financial reasons. Most of us stay. Way too early for you to make a decision on your marriage, you have time. If anyone finds out, unless their husband has cheated, take their advice with a grain of salt, most people really don’t understand the situation, but we do, we are all here to support you. Since no one really knows at this time, please don’t hold it in (that is so stressful), feel free to use this site to write and release some of those emotions and know that you will be supported in your journey by loving people like Susan and Judy. I wish you the best!!

  33. Hello Ladies,

    Chris I am glad you wrote to all of us again. I know Jewels will be responding to you soon. In the meantime, I will share with you my responses to your last post (a lot of it I have learned from Jewels!). The way you are felling right now is perfectly natural and normal and healthy. you are in the “shock” state of being. Your world has been turned upside down and you are questioning who you are married to and what lies ahead. That is where you are and it hurts beyond belief and I’m sorry you are going through this. As you have read we all have a common theme, some details may be different yet the core is the same. We have been betrayed on the deepest level possible. Jewels has said that we want a reaction from our husbands that we probably will never get. It doesn’t appear that men are wired to respond as we women would. You are very early on in this arduous ordeal and it is an awful place to be and my heart breaks for you.

    As far as wanting him to hurt, of course you do he has hurt you and threatened your family. I have had the same doubts in regard to the why’s about my husbands motive to want to stay and work on our marriage. I have wondered if she just didn’t turn about to be the right one and will he keep searching until he finds that person. My husband says over and over that he will never do it again and I think to myself that he had made a commitment to me and did it already so what’s to stop him from continuing that behavior. He is showing a willingness by allowing you access to his phone, facebook and email and that is a positive. However that doesn’t mean you are supposed to just instantly trust him. He has earned your mistrust and only time and consistency will tell you whether or not it’s truly sincere. I would encourage you to seek counseling and it seems that we all have had to be the ones to initiate that. It seems they are embarrassed and ashamed so they deal with it by not dealing with it. That makes it worse for me when my husband does that and I let him know-how I feel. My husband has used the verbiage of calling it a mistake. It’s not a mistake in my eyes, a mistake is balancing your checkbook wrong. An affair is an active choice and involves a lot of lies and deceit to cover their tracks..I look at it as a minute by minute day by day of acts of betrayal and deceit.

    I can relate as Judy as has also that it’s not fair for them to to have torn our families apart and expect us to stay. My husband has said many times that the choice is up to me as to whether or not I stay. I have also wanted to see him fight and yes beg for me to stay. My husbandnhas shared that he feels he doesn’t deserve it so he is passive about it when I tell him a big part of me says I’m going to leave. Have you expressed to him how you feel and what youdmlike to see him do? I’m not shy about speaking my opinion to him. At times it seems that is a positive and at others it seems to blow up in my face.

    My husband continued to lie to me for a year after it ended and that caused more harm than then actual affair in a lot of ways. It displayed dishonesty and more selfish behavior. It was crazy making and felt like he was still trying to control my reality and get the outcome he wanted. I kept at him about my doubts about his honesty and really pushed for him to tell themwhole story. I received an email from the other woman a year ago today that provided so many horrible details that I felt were true and needed the truth no matter how painful it was. I felt that I didn’t want them to still have secrets together because I see that as a bond between them even though they aren’t seeing each other. I didn’t want her to know more about me and my life than I did about hers and their time together. He took this entire year to tell me then truth about what she had written to me. It was literally line by line that he would finally admit too. I wish he would have told me all at once rather than slowly ripping me apart. It is verynhard to trust him since he continued to lie for so long. I feel that as long as he is justifying lying to me that no progress or goodwill can be established. Our counselor has been very helpful in agreeing with me and telling him the continued lies have caused more harm and delayed any healing.

    In regards to tellingmhis friends and family I will defer to Jewels, I told my friends and received some support and a lot of advice. It is yours and yours alone to make a decision about what you are going to do. I found myself wanting redemption and to dispel the myth about what a great guy he is. My husbands family has told him that I need to forgive him and move on as if it is water under the bridge..I don’t even talk to any of them anymore at all. It’s my husbands and my business and not there’s. I found itnhelpful to have them support of my family. Sadly I lost my mother during all this, however she was a tremendous amount of support before her death. I hope you will continue to post your feelings with us. It is my saving grace and I have learned so much through all the women on this site.

    As far as you being concerned about what your children will say or think of you all I can say that your children love you and nothing or no one can take that away. My kids are28 and 26 and have voiced there opinions they are from my first marriage so their perspective is very different. They both believe I should divorce him but have said that will respect my decision. They don’t want to see him so they don’t come over anymore which is another loss for me. I still see them but I miss our family time tremendously . I think to myself sometimes that leavingmwould be the healthiest option due to him fracturing all of our family connectiions. Oddly enough my family has treated Klark very well and his family has been very unsupportive of me.
    I don’t know if any of this has been helpful to you. I hope that you will stop beating yourself up about your emotions and questions.. Everything you are going through is natural and normal, hence the name of this blog..this ismthemmost difficult time of your life. It’s natural to be confused and unsure of what is the right direction for you to go in. I am still confused but I am learning from Jewels that it is time for me to focus on myself and my healing.

    I am still in the marriage but still in limbo about what I’m going to do. I had told myself that I wasn’t going to make a decision right away and then my Mom died and I again told myself to wait on making up my mind. It is my time to make the decision as to stay or go. You don’t have to make that choice yet. No one can tell you what your decision will be.and when you will make that decision. I am getting feedback that I can’t continue staying in limbo because it is hampering my healing and growth. Keep in mind that I am fifteen months into finding out about it. And it’s time to cove forawrd whether I stay or go.

    You having triggers is also normal and yournhuband needs to understand that and be supportive. I have triggers and flashbacks every single day. I’m still devastated and the pain is still very raw. Give yourself all the time you need.

    Well ladies I am still in Hawaii and things are up and down. My husband has been nicer the last two days and that has been helpful. My greatest fear is that he will revert back to his old behavior. It is very hard to take anything he says atmface value. He has shown me a side ofnhimself that I never knew existed.

    Good night all and I look forward to hearing from all of you.
    Susan

  34. Hello all:

    As we read each other’s comments, the common theme is so pervasive, that we are all in such a state of turmoil. Not one of us has said definitively whether we want to stay or go, and I think for some of us, I think we would like our husbands to beg us to stay and it isn’t happening.

    Susan: I so related to so many things you talked about with Chris. I too keep hoping, even after his sailing trip (which he just arrived in Florida last night), that he will beg me to stay, it doesn’t mean I will, I just want him to “fight” for our marriage. I feel like I have done all the work through this, I am spending my time reading books, participating in this site (Thank God!), looking for help, my husband on the other hand has really done nothing, yes he attended counselling with me, and in the beginning it was good to hear him open up, but then it got to be so expensive and since I wasn’t sure I wanted to stay in the marriage, I thought a waste of money at the time. I do think if I lean toward staying, I will want to start up the sessions again, it is the only time by husband truly let his feelings out about the so many things, not just the affair.

    I remember when I confronted my husband, he just admitted it and then proceeded to take the key to our condo off his key ring and hand it to me, and walk away — I was the one who continued to try and have a conversation/arguement with him about it, I have always been so hurt that he just sort of accepted what I knew and didn’t beg me for forgiveness. My husband also refers to it as a “terrible mistake”, that rips me apart, as if he had forgotten my birthday or something, that is a mistake — THIS WAS A CONSCIOUS, DELIBERATE ACT, it took planning, it was not even a sudden one-night stand, I always think that I might, and I say might because I don’t know, but I might have an easier time moving on from that –that would not have been a relationship. For me it was not just the sex, it was the relationship that is also so hurtful. I have always wondered that if it hadn’t been over by the time I found out, would he still have “chosen” me. And the fact that he doesn’t remember why things ended, including why all the phone/text communication stopped shortly before I found out, is so difficult, the analogy I used with my husband was I was the “old reliable station wagon” and she was the “hot, red sports car” and once he couldn’t “afford” that any longer he went back to the “station wagon”.

    In addition to the use of the word “mistake” the other thing that just rips me apart is when my husband says “…it wasn’t worth it”, I can’t explain why that phrase bothers me, but it has from the beginning and still does. I wonder what would have made it “worth it”.

    Susan, you talk about the e-mail you got from the other woman, I have tried to contact the other woman to get some answers, because my husband keeps saying, “…I don’t know.”,these are the new 3 words I now get as opposed to the 3 words most spouses get used to hearing “…I love you”. I just need to know who ended the relationship, I am so bothered by the fact that on the phone bill I could see the history of the communication, and in the beginning the first two months, they were constantly texting and/or phoning, then it started to slow down to a message or two a week, to the last communication was a text from my husband to her after about a week of no communication. She never responded, perhaps his text didn’t require a response, but that really upsets me that he sent the last text. I know that he saw her after that at work, she was a bartender on weekends at a bar he & his friends would go to, that is where he met her. Anyway through all this rambling, Susan, my question is do you think it is a mistake to try and find out the details from her point of view, based on your experience.

    Well, as I stated my husband is now in Florida, and I had originally told him at the start of his trip (when it was supposed to be 2 weeks, not one month and 4 days) that I would give us another try before filing for divorce, by going to be with him in Florida and I am so torn. There are days when I don’t see myself not doing this and going forward with our relationship, but then there are so many days that the thought of being in his company just angers,hurts, devastates, you name the adverb. Any thoughts, words of wisdom that anyone can offer, I am listening.

    I hope all of you have a better day than whatever yesterday was.

  35. Jewels,

    Thank you, thank you, thank you. You finally explained about the wanting to hurt him and it not working. I too, could not and do not understand how my husband has gone about his days, seemingly as if nothing has happened. How his life still seems to be “normal”. I have tried so many ways to say something or do something to hurt him and it never seems to do that, and when I didn’t get the reactions I was hoping for, I just became that much more hurt and/or angry. I really thought that was such proof of him not caring, but after reading your comments, I don’t think I can just assume that.

    Recently, I asked my husband why he has not shared what is going on between us with even his closest friends, I felt by not doing so, he didn’t think it was a big deal, however, he said, he doesn’t say anything because he is actually so ashamed of what he did, do you think this could be true, and not just rhetoric.

    I am so desperate to believe that my husband is truly sorry, and I just haven’t felt that yet, even though he has said it a number of times (not as much as I think he should, I think he should start each day by telling me he is so sorry for what he did to us and to me –but that I know is just a fantasy). Regardless of what my decision is, I just want to know he really regrets what happened.

  36. Hello everyone,

    Jewels, thank you again for all your pearls of wisdom!! It helps to hear that we all wanted our husband to react differently. I am still so devastated that my husband spent the night with her the day after I found out my suspicions were accurate. He was still denying they were having a relationship sexual or otherwise but I knew that wasn’t true and she really confirmed it by her attitude that day when I went to her store to ask her to leave my husband alone.

    Judy, that was the most. Humiliating experience as she was awful to me, she literally laughed at me and said”your husband doesn’t feel that way”. She is the one a week later that told me about her going to his sisters the night after I found out and told me they were planning on marriage etc..

    She sent me that email a year ago yesterday, three months after my husband had ended it. She texted me asking if she could email me an amends and I said yes. Well it was far from an amends it was purging with horrible details and hurt me so much more than I thought possible. Apparently she was still hoping that Klark would come back to her and wanted that email to be the final straw for me. Trust me hearing her detail out sexual acts and how much she loved kissing my husband and she thought of him as the love ofmher life was excruciating. I believe I truly met an evil person with her. It is such a common. Term to use about someone that isn’t very nice,however; she is truly an evil miserable human being. I can’t help but say I don’t want you to contact Rhonda based on my experience with Lisa. Those details haunt me everyday. It took my husband 10months to slowly admit the truth line by horrible line.

    Have you gone down to Floridia? How are your parents?
    Jewels it is really helpful to me when I read all your comments to everyone, I have learned a lot from you as well as feeling so supported by you Judy.

    I have told my husband when he says he is sorry to just keep saying it and keep saying it until I ask him not to. The last few days have had some happy moments but the intrusive thoughts still come in. I keep telling myself the positive affirmations that this will not break my spirit and I’m not going to let near take anymore from me. I am still very conflicted about whether or not I’m willing to stay in the marriage. My husband can be such a trigger that some days it seems as if leaving him is the only way I will heal. I know I have to heal for myself regardless of whether or not we remain married but it a seems so murky still.

    My thoughts are with you all and I look forward to hearing from everyone.

    Aloha Susan

  37. Hello all:

    I am getting ready to go to Florida at the end of the week, to give this “farce” another try. My husband & I talked last night, well, he talked & I cried, and I told him per my agreement that when he arrived in Florida I would come down and see if we can start to work things out. I really think it is going to be very hard, as our condo in Florida is where he & Rhonda spent their time together. I am lucky enough to know that all sexual activity ended up occurring on the floor our living room —

    I just read Jewels’ e-book and found it very enlightening, especially the part about the other woman having an advantage of knowing Jewels existed, but Jewels not knowing about her during that time. This really put into perspective the way I have been feeling that Rhonda had “one-upmanship” on me, and I couldn’t exactly explain to my husband why I felt that way, but thank you Jewels for describing it so well in your book and validating what I am feeling. So often, as I am sure for many of you, you feel like you are going crazy with all the different thoughts that run through your head. And I think our husbands especially can make us feel like we are the crazy ones.

    Susan: I am going to hold off on contacting Rhonda after reading your comments, although I feel she might hold many of the answers I am looking for, I am a firm believer in not asking the questions if you don’t want the answers — and I don’t know if I really do. As I thought I couldn’t be hurt by any additional information about the affair, I was wrong. Yesterday, I figured out that 25% of the phone calls my husband placed to Rhonda were immediately after he hung up the phone with me, for example, I called him @ 11:43 am, we talked for 4 minutes and then @ 11:47 he called Rhonda. When I asked him about this he first said it was coincidence, I told him don’t treat me like an idiot, you called her after talking to me because you wanted to talk to someone who wasn’t going to nag you about the business, or bills or something unpleasant, that I had to deal with and he said you are probably right.

    I wasn’t looking for this information originally, I was only looking at the recent cell phone calls my husband made and/or received while on the sailing trip(he knows I am doing this and says he has no problem with me doing this), but something told me to look back at the old bills, and suddently this new information jumped out at me, and I have studied the cell phone bill pages for months, and never noticed this before. Also in Jewels’ book, she talks about God letting you know when you need to get information ( I am paraphrasing). This sudden revelation just caused more hurt, and I didn’t think it was possible. So, maybe getting add’l info from Rhonda will cause hurt that I am not ready for. As I have told my husband over and over, the “devil is in the details”, so it is little details like the timing of the phone calls that is very hurtful.

    Just now I was on the phone with my husband and he & I were talking about his back hurting, and that he slept better on the boat, I told him to go to one of the other bedrooms, he said that the bed on the boat was about 4″ of foam and then hardwood underneath. I told him to sleep on the floor of the condo for his back, and then without even thinking, found myself saying to him, you didn’t have a problem months ago being on the floor, and then I started to cry and told him these are the triggers that just occur, I wasn’t even trying to think about him & Rhonda, it just was a involuntary comment that entered my thoughts and came out of my month without even a millisecond of time between the two.

    So, I am going forward with the plans to Florida, anxious and hesitant at the same time. Such a big part of me just wants to leave my husband, but there is the other part that just can’t let go, not yet anyway.

    So, Susan thank you for your concern, and my Mom is now in rehab, having made what the doctors consider quite a miraculous recovery from septic shock, as it doesn’t happen very often espcecially at 82 years old. My Dad is and will probably remain the same, and I can only hope that God listens to my prayers to take my Dad out of this horrible existence, because he really isn’t living, just existing.

    Well, thanks for listening (reading), this is so helpful to get all this out to people who understand and care.

    Most times, I feel much more than my own husband. Will keep writing and look forward to responses.

    1. Hello Judy and Susan!!

      Judy – Thanks for reading the ebook, I am glad you found some of the same feelings I went through. I was holding onto a great deal of anger at the fact that she knew more about me, and that my husband allowed this (by not telling me anything about her). I was the one that was there for you through everything, and you protect her?? You’re right in talking with Rhonda, never heard a story of a wife calling the other woman and the wife feeling good afterward. I thought that same feeling ‘There is nothing she can do to hurt me, I am already hurt to my core.’. Then I talked to her on my cell phone at work (not a good idea), and was so distraught I had to go home. I am sorry to hear you had a trigger experience, our husbands really have a hard time understanding why those triggers are so painful. I wish you best of luck in Florida Judy, I really hope that some healing conversations come out of the experience. It’s great to hear about your mom and her recovery, sorry to hear your dad is here but really not living….:(

      Susan, thanks for the kinds words, I appreciate it!! Man, reading both of your texting stories are bringing back memories of my husbands lack of respect around the texting. I couldn’t get the texting records and it’s probably for the best anyway. But I remember reading the messages from his phone more times than I can remember (he left his phone at home, and I kept it…lol). You asked about the triggers and when does it get better. I think getting out of the limbo stage helps. When you’re in limbo, your emotions are just there, and there is no other emotion to help direct it, it is really just raw. Once you make a decision, you can ‘fight’ your emotions you are feeling. For instance, if you start to get a trigger, if you made the decision to leave, you can say to yourself ‘I know this is painful to think about, but I have decided to leave the relationship, so this thought does not matter.’ If you decide to stay, you can say to yourself ‘I know this is painful to think about, but I have to think about the present and the future relationship of the marriage and what we can do to make it better.’ If you’re in the limbo stage, you really can’t say any of those statements because you haven’t decided yet, that is why the limbo stage can be so difficult, it’s like your emotions have no support but negative memories. Best of luck to you as well Susan, looks like you have a major decision coming up…

      p.s. Getting out of the limbo stage helps with triggers, but doesn’t eliminate them completely 🙂

  38. Hello All,
    Judy I am so glad you read Jewels Ebook, I need to read it again. Madam Jewels you are a blessing!
    Judy once again I can totally relate to your pain, angst and turmoil. I looked at the cell phone bill countless times and as the initial shock wore off I was able to piece together timelines and activities that coincided with his talking and testing with her. My husband literally no exaggeration texted with her for 10-12 hours per day!! Needless to say he wasn’t getting any work done and unbeknownst to me had hired two employees to cover for him. I realized as I looked at the phone records all the times he texted her while at home and wouldn’t respond to my texts for hours yet was in constant communication with her. She woke up every morning to a text from him and went to bed every night with the two of them communicating. He texted her in our bed at 2AM while I lay sleeping next to him!!!

    The details are very painful yet I also believe don’t ask a question if you are afraid of the answer. However hearing details from the other woman is or was so much worse for me.

    As far as the triggers coming up over innocent comments I get them all the time as well. Jewels how long until they won’t bring us to our knees? I had dreams last night of them having sex and have been very withdrawn all day. It just sucks to see them as if they are right in front of me. Judy does Rhonda live by you? I have been following advice Jewels gave me the first time we communicated to avoid Lisa by going to different stores since she is right down the street and at first I resisted thinking I was giving her more power by changing my routine but it has helped. I hope you aren’t having to deal with that while you are in Floridia, it’s going to be hard enough to be in the condo. We are here for you and please stay in touch. We are switching islands today so I have one more week to go. I am wreck thinking about our counselor asking me to come back with an answer as to whether or not I’m willing to stay and work on our marriage. I hate limbo but still not sure. My husband has and is trying albeit not as consistent as I would like. He truly wants me to stay and I do love him yet I also hate him at the same time. Does that make me horrible? I do still want him to suffer and feel the fear and doubt that we all have. I pray for the anger to go away.
    I look forward to hearing from all of you and can’t say thank you enough for this lifeline from all of you.
    Aloha Susan

  39. Ladies, thank you so much for all your responses. I know I am still in the early stages, but really appreciate that you are all here for me. It is helpful to know I am not alone and to see where you all have been and what you have gone through. My heart goes out to you all and I know we can be strong (it may just take a while to get there). Let me share a bit more of my story. I have two beautiful girls ages 10 and 7. When I told him that I would not want my kids to stay with someone that cheated and hurt them the way I am hurting now, he said he agreed (he made a mistake he says). For the past year, they have gotten used to the fact that daddy is always gone, whether it be for traveling or for fun. Why is it that kids can accept that daddy is always gone? Why should that be okay? Not that I would ever change the fact that I am always here for them. I am the rock that is always with them, while daddy was traveling or just out at the bar with friends. Anyway, the kids had noticed us fighting for the past year. In fact, my 10 year old starting seeing a counselor at school to talk because she was worried about divorce. This was all BEFORE I knew he was cheating. I should have taken notice and picked up on the signs like she did. Since I have found out, (my kids do not know), the kids have been so excited because he is always home now. On the other hand, I find it difficult to show happiness toward him. I tell him, how could he have chosen to give up these kids that he says he loves so much. And how much they cling to him now that he has not been traveling. I have told him, things need to change. The traveling has to stop and it is not a temporary thing. He just says he likes his job, which has always involved travel. So time will tell what happens there. I just know that if he chooses to travel again, I don’t think I will be able to take it.
    Jewels, you mention to take time for myself. I cannot do that yet. I am so paranoid to leave him alone. I am afraid he will contact her somehow. Literally, I will not go to bed before him (he used to stay up late to talk to her through email, facebook and texts), I am afraid to leave him home alone, even with the kids. Now we even run mundane errands together. The only time he has been alone is when he goes to work. And I have expressed he needs to communicate with me sometime during the day. Everyday I ask the same questions as to whether or not he has heard from her or talked to her. I worry I am being too paranoid. But each week something seems to happen that throws me into an anxiety attack. She emails his work email, so if she does email, I would not know about it if he deleted it. I have asked him to tell me if she contacts him and he has said that he will tell me. But it is hard for me to trust that he would actually tell me (he has told me before he would rather just delete her email to avoid the pain from me). Yesterday, I saw that she emailed him at work. I deleted it before he saw it, but it makes me wonder how many other times she has emailed him and whether or not he is telling me the truth. And it completely ruins my day. I go back to the beginning and can’t get rid of the terrible feelings I have each time she contacts him.
    It is more difficult that the holidays are upon us. We typically have a few groups of friends that we get together with during the holidays. I am so afraid I will have triggers and start crying, get upset, angry or blurt something out, that I am cancelling all plans. I am just not ready to share all this with anyone. I feel like such a failure and a fool. And he goes on each day just fine. He says he is hurting too, but I just don’t see it.
    I should probably face the fact that he will not beg or fight to keep me. I don’t think men are wired that way, but it would be nice. This bothers me the most. If he really wants to keep this family together and make it work, why wouldn’t he put in more effort instead of just leaving it to me to decide. What I have said is that if I find out he is still in contact with her or continues to lie to me, I will not be on the fence, but will leave him and take the kids with me.
    We are taking it one day at a time and I hope to get through the holidays for now. That’s all I can plan for with the kids in mind. Thanks for listening everyone.

  40. Hello Chris,
    You must of been typing as I was typing to Judy and Susan, which is why I missed this note yesterday. Thanks for the update and context. Your situation with the kids is really difficult because they were worried about the arguing before, and now that the affair has occurred, they actually see positive changes in that Daddy is now home more. If you have kids still in the house, it makes the decision really difficult because you don’t want to hurt the kids. The good news is that they are enjoying the time Daddy is spending at home now. I am glad they are in a good place.

    As far as you and trusting your husband, I see from your message that you’re not ready to actually do something alone, which is fine, everyone’s recovery journey is unique. But just realize that eventually, you’re going to have to evaluate your current lifestyle and see if you can really keep an eye on him like you are now and also live your life?? Continue to do what makes you feel comfortable, but one day I think it would be good for you to evaluate the situation. If your husband got an email from her, should you be the one deleting it or should your husband? Eventually, you want your husband to make that call for himself, because like you mentioned before, you can’t catch everything. I know this might sound scary, but what if you left the email there? Would he respond? Would he tell you that she tried to contact him? At some point in the future, you might want to open up just a little and see how he responds. Because he has to earn the trust back, and if you are ‘right there’ all the time, then he might not get the opportunity to see if he is making any progress in building the trust again. Plus being ‘right there’ all the time is like putting 2 bricks on your shoulder 24 hours a day. This is just something for you to consider, you can totally ignore what I am saying if you like, just wanted to give you some food for thought. I wish you the best during the holidays, I hope that you’re able to have a great time with your family. Take care.

  41. Hello ladies,
    I have been thinking of all of you and would love to hear how things are going. I am home from Hawaii and thought that I had come to the decision of putting both feet on the side of working on my marriage. Well… As soon as I got home and the reality of my life came crahing in I promptly went back into crushing pain, anger and all the negative self talk. Judy I really want to know how your weekend went and hope your not posting means you are doing ok.

    Jewels I just read your post about affirmations and us having it within ourselves to recover from this whether we stay or not. I believe that and know I could sit down with another woman and tell her that but I can’t seem to stay in that healthy mind set for even an entire day.

    The last three days have been full of literally one trigger after the other. I am still following your advice and avoiding the shopping center by her store so I drove five miles in the other direction to grocery shop yesterday and guess who’s in the store? She sees me and gets this smirk on her face and obviously loves to make people unhappy that it crushes me all over again that my husband saw and felt good things about her. She literally gets off on running into me as I’m sure she can see on my face that it puts me on tilt. I feel my whole body flush and can hear my heart beating and get this whooshing sound in my head like I’m gonna pass out. I hate that I still give her that much power but it just takes me by surprise when I see her and then all the triggers and pain is once again so raw.

    I guess I’m looking at it today from the perspective of thinking that if staying with him means continuing to experience this over and over I can’t do it. It took every ounce of energy I had while on our trip to be present with my husband. I am so shutdown around him I have to tell myself to relax and laugh and try to see and feel joy in things. I can’t feel safe around him unless I’m looking at him sideways. Does that even make sense? It’s like some moment I will find myself feeling relaxed and “normal” with him and then get jolted back to reality and I catch myself thinking hold up here you can’t trust him and it’s not safe to feel happy. How pathetically sad is that?

    Well everyone I really hope to hear from you all and I truly hope you all are doing well or at least a bit better and thanks again Jewels for all you do.
    Susan

    1. Hello Susan! I am sorry to hear that you’re having so many triggers after making a decision to work on your marriage. You went from a location with not as many triggers to one of intense triggers, so the transition can be particularly tough. How long have you been home? The reason I ask is because maybe your feelings will be less intense after you have settled in (I am trying to be hopeful (smile)). I wish I could be a police officer and put an order of protection from the other woman being in your presence, it’s like she is around every corner of your neighborhood!! If you talked out with your husband about the triggers once you came home, how does he feel about it? Is he trying to understand? I hope your weekend turned out to be better than the week that you have had. Thanks for asking about everyone, I am going to two holiday parties in the next couple of days, and I hope they turn out to be great events. Take Care.

  42. Hello all:

    Susan it is sometimes “uncanny” the way we are so in tune. I literally opened my laptop to “converse” on the blog this morning to see how you made out with your trip, and was hoping as you have not been communicating that your world had calmed down a little, I am so sorry to see the pain is still all there with the same intensity, maybe even worse, because things didn’t go as you had hoped/planned.

    I am leaving this morning on the autotrain to head to Florida, I cancelled my original plans and kept stalling to finalize any plans, because I had actually made up my mind I wanted to walk away from my marriage, it was just becoming so hard everyday thinking this is the new life I am dealing with, an unfaithful husband, and I just didn’t think I could take it anymore. My husband asked me to please come to Florida as we had planned once he got to Florida, so I am going, very reluctantly, and I don’t expect very much from the visit. I told my husband the other day, in yet another yelling/crying session on the phone about what he did, that I am coming down with my mind made up about leaving him, and I’ll give him a chance to try and change it, which he believes he can, he says he wants to try and make up to me for what he did, but he didn’t just forget my birthday, and now he is trying to “make up” for that by taking me out for dinner on another day — I really don’t know what he could possible do to make this up to me. I have already told him, the idea of him touching me makes me nauseous. I don’t know why I was willing to be intimate with him this past summer, maybe I was just still in such shock over what he did, and I was just functioning without realizing it. I have forewarned him don’t cook anything special for my arrival, in the past he always would do that, as he loves to cook, and it is the way he expresses his caring about someone…well, as I have pointed out before, the first night he invited Rhonda over to our condo, he prepared an elaborate dinner for her. So, walking into the condo, is hard enough, without some special meal and/or dish waiting for me, that will really be an intense trigger, and I have enough without additional assistance.
    The other day when I was telling my husband I really don’t see a point in me coming down, I explained to him that he has subjected me to a life sentence of this hurt & pain, I don’t believe it could ever get better, this hurt/betrayal/pain is just too much too bear.
    I asked him how to I believe this will never happen again, since he told me 32 years ago this would never happen when he took marriage vows, he said because if he was ever to be in a situation where it was a possibility, he would think of me first. I told him after I gave that some thought, I don’t want to be an “afterthought”, I should have been his first thought when it was going down that road with Rhonda, and he didn’t, not even the next morning when I was crying on the phone about my Dad’s stroke, he didn’t think about me enough then, to stop everything that he began the night before, but no, he continued the relationship. These are the kinds of thoughts that are in my head 24/7 (except for the hours I get sleep at night), but when I wake up, BOOM, there they are.

    I don’t have to worry about running into Rhonda, although I really feel I would like to, but will take your advice Susan, and stay away from her home, which is about 30 minutes away from where we live, I have never been there, but in the very beginning did some “google” research on her ( I felt like I was 16 again, trying to find out info on the girl that was my competition with any boy I might have liked — how ridiculous my husband has made me).

    I was thinking of doing the following, tell me what you think– I was going to get a “throwaway” phone from Walmart with a local number, and text my husband as if I were Rhonda and I didn’t want to contact him via my old number in case his wife was still checking the phone records, and in the e-mail I was going to tell him I wanted to talk with him, and would he meet me, I was then going to pick a place with a day & time, and then wait there to see if my husband showed up — if he did, then my decision will be made to leave with no looking back. The reason I want to do something like this, is as I have stated previously, I just need to know how this relationship ended, if it was Rhonda that ended it and not my husband, then I feel that speaks volume, because the last and final text was from my husband a week after there had been any communication from Rhonda. My husband keeps saying the relationship just ended, and I don’t believe it happens that way, somebody was the catalyst for it to end, not only the sexual encounters which seemed to have ended a month or more before the phone communication ended ( I know this because of the gate entrances that were made after my husband was already in the condo — we have a special gate code which shows up on the phone bills with the date & times). My husband and Rhonda communicated for over 3 months, and then suddenly they just stop talking –come on, I am not an idiot. My husband says there was no “lovers quarrel” or anything like that, but he can’t remember exactly why their communicating came to a halt. The day I confronted him at Tucsons where they met & she worked, I watched him walk by her & her friends and he didn’t even acknowledge any of them, he didn’t know I suspected anything at that point, so why wouldn’t he at least say “hi” to them, he says because he hadn’t seen me in over 5 months and just wanted to walk over to me immediately didn’t even notice who else was around — I don’t know, do you think that it was a viable reason he didn’t. Oh, this whole thing makes me crazy — I am so tired of it consuming me, I analyze and analyze everything and still come up with no answers!

    It makes me crazy that I can’t get the actual texts from the phone company, I requested them from Verizon in the very beginning and was told due to privacy, they couldn’t release them without a court order. I think that is something that should change, if I am paying for the phone, all information should be made available to me.
    So, as you all can see, I am really not hopeful, my spirit has been destroyed, and I don’t see how being with my husband will change that, but I will be on the train this afternoon, and will give an update once I arrive.
    Thinking of everyone, and especially you Susan, to have had the hopes you did of moving forward with your marriage and to still be paralyzed with the pain, the hurt, the rage — I don’t even know what to say, only that I am thinking of you, and have been for most of the week, hoping that you were not writing because things had gone so well, and you didn’t have much to say — but I am sorry that you still have very much to say. Take care & I will post again soon (by the way, my mom is doing awesome, she truly came back from death’s door — thanks for all the good thoughts & prayers).

    1. Judy, that’s great that your mom is doing well!! It’s good to hear from you. I think we have ALL been that 16 year old searching on Google in this situation. I remember doing the same thing. I wanted her first and last name, I want to know where she lived, what she did for a living. My husband wasn’t helping at all, so I was using Google. At one point, I even went on those websites where you can pay to find someone’s address, but I didn’t go through with it. I think it makes us crazy because we so desperately want the truth, and we thought we could find it in our husbands, but since we are not sure, we frantically search for that truth.

      This is just my personal opinion, but it does sound strange that he can’t remember how it ended. But to be honest with you, I think most men don’t tell their wives how it ended. I would love to know that, and if he only knew how much that would make me feel at peace. I actually wanted to hear my husband end it while I was on the phone, but that backfired. The reality is, they might not tell us (and typically don’t). I personally had to let that feeling of knowing go, because it was too much of a struggle. And even if I did find out, that one little piece of the puzzle might make me feel better, but overall the feelings would remain because of everything else. This is why it’s one of the hardest decisions, you have to make it without knowing all the facts, or questioning if the information you hear it true, so hard to make a decision in that environment.

      It is totally up to you if you want to try your phone suggestion. I think that whether or not you get the data your looking for, it will still come down to making a decision without knowing everything (take a deep breath). I hope you have a great weekend as well Judy.

  43. Hello Ladies,
    I hope you all are well. I am going to tell my husband after Christmas that I can’t stay married. I am scared, hurt and have no idea what the future holds. I have stayed in limbo, been ambivalent and changed my mind a thousand times. The answer has come to by realizing that I’m not healing and the triggers are still so frequent and just as intense and I believe that I will heal once I am on my own. I just can’t see ever trusting him again or feeling that we are in a committed healthy marriage. It just feels so fake when we are around other couples and when we are having a few “normal” moments I will suddenly feel this jolt and remember what my reality really is. Jewels you often share about our personal recovery and the grief process while we are on this road to recovery. I have taken your suggestions to heart and have come to the painful conclusion that I was doing better until he moved back in a month ago. I did have nights of dancing by myself and playing with my dogs and not having to sleep on the edge of the bed because I didn’t want to be close to him.

    This is going to be a really hard Christmas as it’s my first without my Mom and now the last with my husband. I hope to hear from all of you to cheer each other up and offer support. I miss you ladies! Let’s get blogging again!
    Judy how are you? I’m worried please let us know how you are. Miss Jewels I’m thiNking of you and your kids as this is your first Christmas in your new home and new life.
    Be well ladies, hope to hear from you all soon
    Susan

    1. Hello Susan,

      Seems like you made a decision to leave your husband after the holidays. It is such a difficult choice, and I applaud your courage in making a decision. I am sorry this season will be tough for you knowing that it’s your last without your husband and your first without your mom. You have a tough road ahead, but things will get better, they really will. I hope that you and your husband can leave the marriage in a way where your still able to interact with each other in a respectful manner. I was very lucky in that by the time I actually moved out, my husband was well informed (I had repeatedly told him). And I informed him in a very respectful way (not when I was mad/angry at him), because I really didn’t have the energy to fight about my decision. Thanks for asking about the kids, they are doing ok. We still rotate them back an forth between us, and so far, my 4 year old is handling it as best she can. My son is too young to express himself, which might actually be a good thing. Anyways, I hope the rest of your weekend is a good one. Take care.

  44. Hello all:

    I have been in Florida for just over a week, and it has gone from bad to worse and then a little improvement with the bad again.

    My husband originally thought that us having been apart for the last two plus months was the reason things had gone “down hill” from the summer, and that once we were together, we could talk about things in person rather than over the phone and/or thru e-mails, but he again “led me down the garden path”, as he really was much more “open” over the phone/emailing, he has shut down so many times this past week, with each one escalating into a fight.
    We had a huge fight on Saturday, there were triggers from the moment I woke up and I didn’t want to run any errands with him, which led him to say to me that he thinks I would be better off without him, there was crying and what felt like begging…but not from him, it was from me, in trying to understand why it feels like I have done all the work, and I know we have discussed this in other comments, that as much as we want our husbands to beg, they just accept our desire to walk away. I am just miserable, and I realize that my husband has done way too much damage to our marriage for it to be repaired. I don’t want a new relationship, one he says might be “better”, I told him although we may have had our problems, I thought that our marriage even at the times it was “rocky” was at least strong enough to avoid what he did.

    Susan, I fully understand your need to walk away, as hard as it is, I too, find being with my husband much harder. Last night he slept in the guest bedroom because his back had been bothering him, and I told him the mattress in that room might help him, and I found that I really liked him not laying next to me, I got a much better night sleep. My heart was no longer racing as it had been over the last week when I would be enveloped with the thoughts of him and Rhonda, I realize he is the biggest “trigger”, looking at him or talking with him is what is the most upsetting to me and I just want it to stop. Unfortunately, I don’t have the financial resources to just walk away, as we are tied together to the business, but we are scheduled to go back to NJ for Christmas and then I am staying additional time for my daughter’s baby shower, and I am considering not going back to Florida at all after that. I am not saying anything to him about my tentative plans, and will just see how I feel once he leaves to go back to Florida, if I find I am much more at peace without him on a daily basis, then I think I am going to file for divorce.
    I really thought that maybe I could move beyond this, but I just don’t think so, and it sounds Susan, like you are in the same position — wanting desperately for things to feel normal again, but realizing that they won’t. I thought that at 54 years old, after struggling in the early days of our marriage, that we could now enjoy the “fruit of our labors”, and we would be facing the easier part of our relationship, but because of my husband’s selfishness, I am feeling like I am starting all over again, but with alot more baggage. I don’t know how other women have been able to forgive and move on, and maybe not even forgive, but at least able to move on, I just can’t and I am so sorry that Susan, you are having the same struggle. As we seem to share a “soul”, please keep writing and let me know how things are continuing to go for you…good and the bad.

    Best to all.

    1. Hello Judy,

      Sorry your having such a tough time, I can feel the stress through your words. It seems that both you and Susan are in a similar spot, which is towards the end of your decision making stage. And for the both of you, the stress of staying is too much to bear. I totally think it’s the right move not to talk to your husband at this time about staying in Florida or the divorce. It really takes a couple of weeks to be really strong enough and confident enough to hold your conviction of leaving without either breaking down or screaming during the conversation with your husband. The next couple of months are not going to be easy, but just trust that whatever path you lead yourself to is the right one for you. Take care. Baby Shower?? Exciting!! Take care.

  45. Hi everyone,

    It’s been a while since I didn’t open this site because we had a problem with our connection.

    Susan, I think we’re in the same situation right now. I also plan to leave my husband after the holidays. Like you, I’m also not sure what lies ahead in the future. One thing I’m sure of is I don’t like to stay like this anymore. It was worst for me because even if I’ve already known that my husband is cheating, instead of making amends, he continued with his affair. I don’t like my daughter to grow up in this kind of family. I’ve already set my mind that when I go out of the house, I will leave all the hurts and pains I’ve experienced and move on. My problem now is how I am going to talk to my in-laws since they have been very supportive of me ever since. The first time I told them that I’m leaving their son, they asked me to stay in the house instead and they told me that they are willing to let their son out of the house. They don’t like him to bring another woman in the house (we had been staying in my in-laws’ house but we are alone, my in-laws stay in the house of their other daughter). I’ve already planned to talk to my family especially to my father about my marriage since he doesn’t know anything about the situation I’m in. It’s difficult but I just keep on praying and hoping that everything will be alright. I have been contemplating about this for how many months and thanks for all of you here that I gain more confidence and strength to move on.

    Cris, Jewels and the others are right. Give yourself more time. It won’t do any good if you make haste in your decision. As we all know, there are so many things to consider most importantly the kids. Right now, focus on yourself and what makes you happy. Don’t dwell on things that will make you cry. Well, crying is always a part but do your best to stand up for your own sake and your kids. The right time will come and you will know that when you can’t already shed a tear but just think of moving forward. We’re here for you.

    Judy, I hope after that, you will be able to decide now whether to stay with him or not. You will be able to realize if your marriage with him is worth fighting or not. I have also been in the “trying to fix” period and I didn’t see it materialize. My husband would act like nothing happened like everything is normal between us even if he is still with the girl. When I dwell on those things, I feel like stabbing them both but what good will it do to me, right? You can’t just imagine how I try to conceal my feelings of hurt every time I’m with him in the house. I don’t like to show him that I’m hurting because i feel like he really just want to hurt me. We have a very different situation but we have one definite goal – that is to move on with our life and be happy. Let’s stick together in this battle and I know we can win.

    To Jewels, thank you very much for you have been a very great help for me in my battle. I’ve learned to move on and stay strong with the insights I’ve read here. I may not have posted often but I’m always reading.
    To all, let’s all enjoy the season and find things that will make us happy. After all, our happiness doesn’t rely on our husband, it is our own choice. Let’s show them that we can’t be torn and that after everything, we still have the last laugh. God bless everyone and always take care.

    1. Hello Raynejasper,

      Thanks for the update, there are a lot of similarities between us. I think you have mentioned before that you don’t want your daughter to grow up in this environment. That was such a huge factor for me as well. I wanted her to know that as a woman, you should be confident and proud of who you are, and I just couldn’t be that ‘woman’ with my husband anymore. As you probably know, my husband continued with the affair as well, and when I found out the second time, he wanted to just act like nothing happened and move on as well. I also had a hard time telling my father, he was the last to know, not sure what it is with telling fathers, but it was tough. Best of luck with that part, when I told my father I was totally surprised at how supportive he was. I love the statement that when you leave the house, you already set in your mind to leave the hurts and pains and move on. Keep repeating that to yourself, that is really going to help when you leave. Thanks for the comment about this site helping , it is appreciated. Take care and keep us posted.

  46. Hello Ladies,
    I have the flu so haven’t had the energy to post but wanted to share my news with you all. First let me say welcome Joanne I’m very sorry to hear your going thru all of this but I’m glad you found Jewels and I hope we can provide some comfort and support. Rayne I am so proud of you! I can feel your strength and will keep you in my thoughts. Please keep us posted.
    Well ladies, I told my husband today that I wasn’t willing to stay in the marriage, I had planned on telling him after Christmas but for whatever reason I just couldn’t wait. Last night was a rough one, I was running a fever and kept having triggers and flashbacks about the OW and just realized I can’t live like this and I woke up today and knew in my heart I had to tell him. It didn’t stay very civil I totally lost my cool and brought up all my pain and anger but I did get it out. I told him I was done and couldn’t live with someone who had treated me so horribly. He kept saying we could get through this and I finally screamed at him I don’t want to get thru it with you!!! I hope in the next few days we can talk civilly about the nuts and bolts of a separation but I don’t want him to be here over Christmas. As you know my adult children are from my first marriage and they don’t want anything to do with him and I really want to have them be here on Christmas so I hopefully can convince him to honor my wishes and go to his family and leave me to be with mine.

    I am scared yet empowered, I finally said it!!!! I have no idea what’s going to happen but I know I am doing the right thing. He so completely degraded me and lied for so long I know I will not only never trust him but I can’t build self respect and esteem as long as he is in my life.

    I am 52 years old and starting over, Judy once again I can relate to your dilemna it’s scary to start over at a point in life when I thought I’d be having grandchildren and settling into a new phase in my life. Now my new phase is ground zero, I will probably lose my house, he says he will let me keep it but he’s also changed his story on that many times. My mind can go down so many rabbit trails of fear and uncertainty right now. Please send your wisdom and peace my way Miss Jewels! Judy I hope we hear from you. God bless ladies and I look forward to hearing from all of you.
    Susan

    1. Hello Susan,

      Glad to hear from you. Sorry you had a rough night last night but glad you got it out. It really is hard to steer clear from emotion during such an intense topic, but I am glad you got it off your chest. It’s interesting, at times I think that men go through the same grieving process that we go through once we finally say it’s over – that is really a turning point for the men. Our lives have been turned upside down from the moment we found out, when you say you’re leaving and they can see you mean it, that is when things start to get real for them. They sometimes even go through the same grief that we go through (denial, anger, etc.). It will be interesting to see how he handles it, keep us posted. My husband was in denial for a while, didn’t really want to talk about separation, kept on trying to say things like ‘we don’t have to’ and ‘we can work it out’. But when we actually make our minds up, those comments just make us angry :).

      There is one comment that you wrote that I want you to hold onto. You said that you have no idea what will happen but you know you are doing the right thing. When you think about the fear and uncertainty, tell yourself that you’re not sure of the road ahead, but you know you’re doing the right thing. Hopefully, that will keep you out of the rabbit trails! I am so happy that you made your decision with confidence in your thoughts, and even though you were fearful, you put yourself first in making your decision (looking at the comment about your self respect and self esteem). Even through the road ahead might not be easy, you should definitely pat yourself on the back for making such a tough choice. I hope you feel better and I hope he honors your wishes!

  47. hi everyone, thanks so much for the support I’m getting from you all. Christmas day is near and that was also the day I’ve set to talk to my family about my situation, I’m really hoping and praying that they will understand me and offer their help because they are the only people I can rely on this time. It’s been a long time since I’ve carried my burdens alone and I think I can’t go on like this any longer.
    For now, I’m asking for your help through your prayers that everything will work out fine for me and my baby. Let’s all help each other until we fully recover and share the happiness with each other too. Although I’m having a problem where to stay since the boarding house that we were suppose to rent was already taken because I had a miscommunication with my sister, but I’m positive that we can still find a house to stay.
    I’m planning to go home in the province but my daughter is about to go to school and I don’t like to lost my job because it is the only source of our survival. I know that things will gonna be tough but I’m sticking to my decision. I’m also prepared for whatever circumstances I will be facing.
    We can all triumph in the different situation that we are in ladies, I know we will. let’s all be strong for each other and remind ourselves that we are not alone and that we have each other to hold on to. I love you all ladies. Have a merry Christmas. I may not be able to be online starting on the 24th, but definitely I will update you.
    Take care ladies and let’s move on. Let’s do our best to put one of our foot forward until we can get the other foot to move forward too. God bless.

    1. Hello Raynejasper,

      It seems like the holiday will be a big one for you as well, in telling your family about your intentions. I feel and hope that you get the support from your family. I will send positive energy your way to help with the conversation, but I have total faith that everything will be ok, including finding a place to live. At times, I really didn’t think I was going to find something, and then I got lucky and found an apartment. Now, I have to get used to apartment life (loud neighbors), but my kids are loud as well so it equals out. The peace of mind is what I enjoy most (even with a little noise). Just the ability to think and relax, I just couldn’t do that in my old home, it was too stressful. And living in a stressful home for long periods of time is not good. There should be some type of positive progress, or movement out of the marriage. You seem very empowered in your email, best of luck, you know we will be here for you!

  48. Thank you so much Jewels, I really appreciate all the positive lines you’re giving me. I do really hope and pray that everything will work out fine.
    To everyone, have a joyful and blessed Christmas. Let’s be happy for ourselves.
    God bless and do take care!

  49. Hello all:

    This message is simply to send wishes for everyone that their holidays will be filled with family and friends who give us the strength we need to get through the difficult times.

    Warmest regards,

    Judy

  50. Hello Ladies,
    I’m just checking in with everyone and am anxious to hear how the holidays were. Judy how are you? Rayne how did it go with your family? Jewels how was Christmas with the kids?

    I am still planning on a divorce, we spent Christmas together as we both have had the flu. I did make a nice dinner but it sure wasn’t festive. My husband keeps trying the “pretend” game it’s as if he thinks as long as he pretends I’m not serious it will all go his way and I will stay. He is driving me out of my mind!! Everything he does irritates me, I see him so differently now. He is manipulative, controlling and very immature. Here’s an example;he woke up with a stye infection in his right eye and came into my room all freaked out. I informed him of what it was and told him how to treat it and that it wasn’t serious. He kept on and on about it and asked if he would go blind!! Please, I had had enough and finally snapped at him that if he was so worried about infections why wasn’t he concerned about STD’S??? Said I don’t want to hear his ridiculous immature nonsense. I can’t take the games. I still have huge triggers and flashbacks and he knows I’m still so hurt but all he cares about is getting his way and needing love and reassurance. I want a man not a selfish lying little asshole! Sorry had to vent a bit.

    I hope to hear from all of you and you are in my thoughts everyday.
    I pray that 2011 will be a blessed year for all of us.
    Warmly,
    Susan

    1. Hello Susan,

      Good to hear from you. My husband played the pretend game as well, it if I don’t say nothing, he can just pretend nothing happened. It’s like our husbands are all in this together or something!! I know it wasn’t funny at the time, but as I read your update, your comment about the STD did put a smile on my face. One, because I can just imagine the fume of hearing him talk about an eye infection just get you boiling, as it would for me. Second, your response was such a witty response, I know he wasn’t expecting it. It’s one of those responses that I probably would of thought of hours after the conversation. I was thinking to myself…Go Susan!! Take Care and I look forward to everyone’s updates.

  51. hi everyone..
    Susan, I had a talked with my family and I have already expected that they will ask me why I didn’t tell them before. My father was sort of feeling that I ignored him as a father because I took my problem alone though it was serious. there is a practice in our place that when problems like this arise, they would call the elders and talk to both parties. We did schedule that but my husband didn’t come during the scheduled date that’s why my relatives were furious but they didn’t show their feeling to the opposite party. We talked even if my husband wasn’t there and they let me narrate what’s happening in our family. I told them everything. However, they didn’t advise me to get separated from my husband. His relatives asked me to give him three months extension or chance to fix our problems. Though its hard for me considering that I know I have already done the best I could but things didn’t work out good. My husband is still cheating on me and doesn’t even give financial support to us. So this time, I’m still living with him but I let my family take care of my daughter because I don’t like her to be taken cared of by my husband’s family. I’m trying to be good to him but as if I don’t feel any love towards him anymore. Anyway, for the sake of his relatives who are really very nice to me, I’ll try to take their advice but if it won’t work, then its really final. I may not be able to give a father’s love to my daughter but I will see to it that I’ll give her the best life I can afford.
    Susan, I guess, you’re already on the right track by leaving your husband. It takes a lot of courage to pretend that we are alright when its not true.
    To everyone, I hope things will work out good for all of us this year. Keep in touch.. God bless..

    1. Hello Raynejasper,

      Thanks for the update. That is great that you have extended family support. I can’t believe your husband didn’t show up, but is probably a good reflection for your relatives on how he has been behaving. I know your dad might be upset you didn’t come to him, but the only thing a daughter wants for her dad is for him to think of her in a positive manner. The shame and disappointment in your marriage caused you to delay, which had nothing to do with how you felt about your father. So don’t think too much of it, he will eventually come around. By taking the advice of your elders, you will be able to officially say you gave it a fighting chance. It’s hard when you don’t see your husband in the same light anymore, it’s like a realization that just changes everything. Good hearing from you.

  52. Hello everyone:

    It has been a long time since I have communicated or saw communications, I hope everyone is doing well…Susan – did you end up leaving after the holidays and how are you doing.
    I am still in NJ — weather has been a big issue with me getting back to Florida, and I welcome the delays. I am supposed to go back next week, but really don’t want to. I don’t generally buy lottery tickets, but have been recently, in hopes that I would win and be financially able to walk away, but until such time as I win, I am going to continue to try to rebuild our business to the success it was a few years ago, before the economy hit us and my husband was too busy with his affair to give the business the attention it needed, and then once it is doing well, I might have more options.

    So, it is another day of this nightmare, but soon, I hope to wake up from it and begin a new life without all the poison that has entered into it. Best to all of you

    1. Hello Judy,

      Good to hear from you. It’s the worst feeling when you feel stuck, but even worse is when you’re stuck and not knowing what to do. You seem more confident in your decision than just a couple of months ago. Instead of thinking about the decision, you’re focused on your game plan, which is great. It might take some time, but you will be able to achieve your goal. Take care.

  53. Hi everyone.. How are we all doing these days? I do hope and pray that we are still on the track of fixing our lives and moving forward..
    I’m so sad because I’m terribly missing my baby.. I decided to leave her in our house in the province because I don’t want her to witness the very abnormal relationship we are having with her dad.. I wish I could do something else so that I can take care of her and still make a living.. She’s too young and she doesn’t deserve to be involve in this kind of cruelty.. I would really like to get out of my marriage but my relatives insist that I’d be more patient and wait until three months is over just like what my husband’s relatives asked me to observe if he will change. I’m sick of him and I don’t like to see him if possible.. huh.. I guess I will be stucked like this until march.. I hope by then, I can already tell my husband’s relatives that I tried to give him a chance but he chose not to grab the opportunity. Sometimes, I’d ask myself why there are people like my husband who would just want to hurt me over and over again.. I try my very best to ignore him but when I see him, I can’t help myself but think of how mean he is.. I think he’s not a man, he’s a devil..
    Judy, I pray that you continue to be firm with your decision and move on immediately. life has been hard and we deserve to be happy.. I’d like to have that kind of energy and determination that you have so that I could continue being strong and move on too..
    Jewels, thank you that’s all I can say.. The word isn’t enough but you know how this site means to me.. Its the only site where I could bring out what I thought and be myself because I knew we all understand each other here..
    God bless everyone.. let’s continue moving on..

    1. Hello Raynejasper,

      Good to hear from you. Sorry your little one is away from you. How often do you get to see her? That’s noble of you to keep her away from the situation. There was one or two times where my daughter witnessed me acting irrational during that period and I regret it. Times goes fast you will see her again in no time, but that must be tough. How is your husband treating you during this time? I would be interested to know if he is making any effort even with advisement of family. Lastly, thanks for the wonderful comment about the site, your thoughts are exactly what I wanted the site to be. Look forward to hearing from you.

  54. Dear Jewels,
    My husband doesn’t show any sign of change. I’m also tired of talking to him so I prefer to just keep quiet. My dad keep on asking if there are good developments and I said none. So he told me to just continue treating him good and after three months so that his relatives wouldn’t find anything to blame me for the break up, then I have to move out from the house and find another place to stay. I only see my daughter once in a month so its really tough for me. There are times when I just cry because I terribly miss her. My husband doesn’t also provide anything for his financial obligation so I don’t think I have any reason to stay in this marriage in my whole lifetime. Many people say that I’m still young and I can find a better man. But then, I don’t have that in mind yet. My priority is my daughter.
    Till next time.. have a good day ahead..

  55. Hello Everyone,

    Susan posted an update, but for some reason it’s not showing up so I will post it, hopefully this one will show up. I will look into the issue, thanks!!

    Message from SUSAN:
    Hello Ladies,
    It was good to hear from you Judy and Rayne. I am still home with my husband. I panicked ladies and hate to admit how strong finances and “security” are immobilizing me!!! I am 52 and scared out of my mind to start over, I really believed I was ready and strong and then when push came to shove I caved.

    We aren’t together as in rebuilding, it’s more of a quiet stand-off. He knows how conflicted I am and continues to declare his desire to stay married and how sorry he is for all the pain he’s caused me.

    I just can’t find a way to let him in and I’m too afraid to leave. I’m so grateful I have all of you to admit this to as I don’t feel judged by all of you.

    Jewels thanks again for all your support. Judy, it was great to hear from you as you are in my thoughts frequently. Rayne, my heart goes out to you and admire your willingness to abide by your families requests. It was a self less act to place your daughter in a loving environment without the stress and that’s what defines a good mom and a great woman. I am proud of you!

    Please stay in touch ladies. Judy, don’t be gone so long. I’m glad I finally told all of you what’s up with me. I am more hurt and lost than ever.
    Warmly,
    Susan

  56. Susan,

    I did want to reply to you message and let you know you should not be ashamed at all about your current situation. It would be really bad if you left and then regretted leaving because you were not ready mentally, that is important. It seems like you just need some time to figure out if/how you can leave and still feel somewhat secure, and that takes time. So good to hear from you, take care.
    -Jewels

  57. Hi everyone
    Jewels thank you for responding and posting my message. I appreciate your kind words and support. I caught my husband in another lie today and am shattered once again. It was the stupidest thing to lie about ever!!! I had lent his sister 400 dollars last fall and didn’t need her to pay me back. He had kept saying repeatedly that he was going to ask his sister for the money over the last month and I had told him it was my business and to leave it alone. Well yesterday he informed me that she had given him 100 bucks, so I texted her and said I was in no hurry to get the money and didn’t want her to feel pressured. Well she responded that she had paid Klark a month ago the full amount!!! He woke me up this morning mad that I had contacted his sister that he was dealing with it and I was to stay out of it not knowing what she had told me!! Bottom line is that it’s more ofnhis crap and him still trying to bully me into believing I am wrong and he can do and say whatever he pleases.

    I am done for good. I am contacting a realtor and get a recommendation as to what needs to be done to put our house on the market and will begin to pack and put things in storage in order to declutter the house for sale. This was the final straw for me, I can’t live like this any longer. If I’m going to start over I’m going to move out of Washington and back down to California to be by my family.

    I’m afraid and uncertain what my life will look like but I know it won’t be full of lies and deceit. I’m going to be very poor financially but I know in my heart I will be blessed with peace. And begin to build some self esteem and regain confidence in myself as a worthwhile woman.

    Thanks again ladies for all your support and I look forward to hearing from you.
    Susan

    1. Susan,

      I know how much the lies hurt, and they hurt even more after the affair. I think in our minds we think that our husbands know how much this hurts, and that they would never want to even tell a white lie again. But they continue to lie, and they have no idea how much the little lie hurts, it’s a trigger and a reminder of the lies of the affair. One of the most pivotal moments for me is when I realized I can’t make him not lie, I can’t make him not see her. I thought as a wife my crying, depression, sadness, and anger would hurt him so much that he would never want to hurt me again. But I was wrong, and that was a tough pill to swallow. BUT, because of that experience, I started to focus only on things that I can control, and the number one thing you can control is you. And because I focus on me more than even before, I am in a really good mental state, so there is hope 🙂

      Judy

      Thanks for the update. It seems like mentally you’re working on your game plan (saving up etc.), things will work out for you. I am so glad you found a support group, I hope and expect it to be a great experience. Please let me know the outcome, if it helps you, maybe I could write a post about it to help other women as well.

  58. Hello everyone:

    I was so glad that Jewels posted your initial response Susan, as I have been wondering how things are going, expecting that you had moved out, but you were in the same position as me, the fear of starting a new life. A few weeks ago, I was crying to my daughter how scared I was, that although I wanted desperately to leave my husband, as I was at a more peaceful place when I was alone in NJ and he was in Florida, I didn’t have the financial resources (thus my weekly purchase of a lottery ticket)to start over, he and I derive our income from the business and I knew I could not continue to work with him on the business if I left him. I wanted him completely out of my life…so I have stuck around, trying to put whatever little money I can in a separate bank account in hopes that I will have the resources to finally feel comfortable to leave if I continue to want to do that. I am in Florida now, and the idea of him having Rhonda in my home, has been tearing me up more than ever before, so I understand, Susan, that things are worse, because they are so much worse than I expected.

    I then read your most recent post, and my heart aches for you, another lie, the wound just keeps getting ripped open bigger and bigger. Why is it that our husbands just don’t get all the damage they have caused and continue to cause, and yet want us to keep trying to work this all out. I have found a support group in Florida, and will be attending my first meeting next week. I am looking forward to being with other spouses who have been through this same nightmare. It is a national group “ban” (beyond affairs network), they probably have one in your area. I sent an e-mail and got a kind response from the group counselor (similar to the supportive, kind responses Jewels has continued to send – of which I admire you so much Jewels, for continuing to care about women like us, even though you have moved on to a new life – I didn’t realize how brave you were to do that, until I was to afraid too)

    I just feel so emotionally detached from my husband, our anniversay of 33 years is coming up this week and I don’t want to even acknowledge it because it seems like such a farce.

    Susan, stay strong, I know that is easy for me to say, but I found just having caring people say things to me like that, even if I wasn’t able to accomplish it, helped me. I wish we weren’t 3000 miles away, because I would so want to meet you as we seem to be kindred spirits in this, but fortunately distance knows no boundries when it comes to sending out a message of concern,caring and love. Although none of us has ever met, over these past months I have grown to love each of you for what you have given me… friends who listen and don’t judge. I will be thinking of all of you this weekend, but especially of you Susan.

  59. My husband came home from a 6 week TDY yesterday and told me that he got really drunk on his birthday 2 weeks ago and had unprotected sex with some random girl at a party. He says that he realized 30 seconds in that it was wrong and got out of there, but I don’t care how long it was….it was wrong. He got checked out before coming home and thankfully is clear of any STDs, but has to wait 3 months for an HIV test. He is asking for a second chance even though we both have always said that cheating was a deal breaker. I have always said I would do anything possible to make my marriage work, but have also said that i would never be disrespected in this way and stay. We have been married for 3 and a half years and have 2 young daughters. I have been a stay at home mommy to my 2 year old and 6 month old. I am now stuck making the decision to leave or stay and try to work it out. He has promised to never drink again and says he will spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to me. I don’t know what to believe anymore. Anyone have any advice for me?

    1. Hello Tara,

      This is just my opinion, if I were in your shoes, and you really believe in your heart that it was a one time thing, then I would try to make things work. Hopefully, the woman he had sex with is in another state. I think that in order for it work, I would highly recommend marriage counseling so you can deal with your feelings. If marriage counseling doesn’t work, you can try seeing a therapist on your own. I tend to really think a one night stand thing can really work. The type of affairs that are really difficult to overcome are the ones where they have a full out emotional and physical affair for months (even years), lying constantly to their wives. It seems like this situation is he got drunk and made a mistake. He told you as soon as he got home and got tested, which is a really good sign. Now if later down the line, you see that he is still talking to the woman, etc., then you got some serious problems. But for now, I would focus your energy on trying to make it work, and trying to make sure you’re ok mentally, because overcoming the situation is alot easier said than done. Best of luck, I hope you and your husband work it out.

  60. Hi Guys
    I have been reading these pages for the last hour and I suppose like you all realize we are not alone in our misery of cheating husbands!
    Judy, if you still read these pages, what have you done lately as you have not been on since January. I am 4 months into the world of hell of discovering the cheating husband! Like Judy said before, I wasn’t given a choice of what was taken from me. Of anyone I know, my husband would have been the last person I would have thought would have an affair even though he had many opportunities as he is in the entertainment business and always had loads of “groupies”. The one thing he always said was he had to talk to them, it was his livelihood, true, but that he always came home to me – which he did! We moved country nearly 10 years ago and to say we drifted apart ourselves would be an understatement! For the past 5 years or so we practically hated each other – yet at the same time – were still friends. i don’t know, it sounds weird reading it back but it’s true, we were always good friends. I just hated the fact that he was so self centred and always had been. Anyway, for the past few years he never did any family holidays with us, kept going back to my home country which he loved as he lived there for 20years before we left and has many friends still in the music business there, and whether it caused friction or not, he still went. I brought my kids to america last year – when i say kids – they just turned 20 this year – and i thought he would go with as they always wanted to go to universal etc. he said no and went to south africa again. He did the same again this year as i went to the USA again with my mom and my sister who just recovered from serious cancer treatments. On the day I came back from america he had left his email open, forgot to sign out on my computer and i found a very incriminating email from a woman as well as two others with photo’s of her. The email did not specifically say anything had happened, however, in her ending note of saying thinking of you, all of you, and somewhere else saying how sick with worry she felt about their special relationship I knew something was seriously wrong! He had also been hiking with her, which he went hiking with a friend of ours every year he or we went back home. The fact that he never mentioned this to me, i knew something had happened. He has always had female friends and kept in contact with most of his ex’s and was always upfront about them.. so once i saw this email my heart sank. As you all know- that awful – sick – gut wrenching feeling only someone whose husband has cheated on you knows – i just crumbled. I was shaking, mad, angry, sad, didn’t know what to do. He was at work till around 1am so what could i do? I had been awake from the morning before with time zones crossing from the USA back to europe. I had hours to mull this round in my head. How do i confront him? Did i wait and try catch him out? No, i couldn’t as then I realised he had a lock on his mobile phone, had his own personal email with secret password, same on face book, so i decided to confront him that night. I asked when last we had had sex (which was years ago) then I asked when last had he had sex? well, bit of a deer in the headlights situation! He was flustered but said he hadn’t crossed the line when i brought her up and going on the hike. He swore on his mother’s life he hadn’t! We spoke/argued for a few hours then i took his phone, pc and home phone into my daughters room and said fine, i will ring her tomorrow and ask her!! I eventually went to sleep around 4am and woke at around 11. I went downstairs and he was sitting there and announced he had crossed the line. I suppose he was worried i would call her. Anyway, i was shocked and said i knew it.. and what was he going to do? I was calm, kinda laughing, told him he should think about it as no point throwing away a chance at happiness. Then I kinda just walked off! I was still dizzy with what was going on in my head – how could he? I went upstairs and showered, and then i crumbled. Unbelievable. I couldn’t understand it, why was i crying so much when I thought I had hated him? All we had been saying the past few months was I wish you would find someone new and leave and yet now it happened – what the hell??? Well, if he had done the dirty after he left me it wouldn’t have been as bad – probably still hard to accept – but we would have decided that amicably – but when still married? How had it happened, how long had it been going on? who was she?? Turns out a groupie from many years ago – which seemingly he had kept in contact with but never ever mentioned her to me.. which led me to believe he felt something for her a long time ago. He said the only time they met was this year, nothing planned, it just happened. But first it happened after their hike where they ended up having a kiss, he then went back to his brothers. He didn’t see her again till the Thursday, the day before he left to come home, the day they slept together! She also then picked him up next day and took him to the airport! I am sick to death with the thoughts in my head, i cried and cried, he comforted me – he who caused it all was comforting me and me being so stupid wanted him to. I have gone against everything i believe in.. i always said if my husband cheated he was out the door yet here was me, emotional wreck! Thank god my kids were away at the time! Anyway, he said he was so sorry and i thought he meant it.. but i cried for days when i would come home from work.. i couldn’t tell anyone.. i didn’t want them to know.. i still don’t … it’s very very hard to deal with and i hate myself for me to keep bringing it up but i just cannot get past it. he said he has no more contact with her.. yet after seeing my emotional breakdown i found he sent her a happy birthday message on face book. This was about a month after the discovery. When i went nuts about he couldn’t understand why! He didn’t think he had done anything wrong. I don’t know any more… i just dont know.. i am so sick of the thoughts and images in my head.. as he was so secretive before i just can’t believe he is not in contact with her.. i discovered a couple more lies about when he saw her last year as he had said to me he hadn’t, so did this start then? he says no.. how can i believe him? I don’t understand why he never told me that if we didn’t sort ourselves out he was definitely leaving, even telling me someone was interested.. why did he just do it? After nearly 25 years of being together?? I suppose our relationship has always been strange, unlike most marriages! He would often go away for his music or his interests.. i was often left with the kids. he never ever organised a baby sitter to take me out -i would have to do it if i wanted to go out. I supported all his interests.. even when we moved here i was left on my own for 3 months while he went gigging with the band. He even forgot my birthday which for some is so trivial.. but to me soo important. My husband is not very emotional.. he is pretty much very hard hearted and very self centred yet i know deep down he does have a soft side.. he just rarely shows it. he has always been a good father even though he tormented the kids with his shouting all the time.. but he has never been threatening or anything like that, he just has a short temper.. blows a fuse and then it’s over. He has given us all we ask for if finances allow.. so i can’t fault him there. Problem is i always wanted more loving, he just couldn’t give it.. so when we eventually drifted and then when i found out about the affair… it comes down to being my fault. And as many have said i am the one on egg shells. If i am down he dreads it.. oh no.. here we go again look… but i cant help it and he just can’t understand it. His life hasn’t really been affected.. ok.. so he had to give her up (if he has) but he isn’t left with constant thoughts of images of the two of them. He can’t understand how I can’t wake up and forget about it! He doesn’t seem to make any effort to show he is sorry.. he says he is.. but unless i have a melt down and write a loooong letter – just like i am doing now – sorry guys! – where I am practically begging him to show he loves me and maybe do things out of the blue – he does nothing. Coming to bed seems to be a mission.. i didn’t think i would be able to move on with kissing and sex.. but i did.. but it always feels like he doesn’t want to and has to..and he says it’s down to his age.. i feel so sad i just don’t know what to do any more. I keep wanting to leave but like you guys it is so difficult financially. I was recently made redundant and found a new job but am on a 3 day week. Basically neither of us can leave at the moment so do we go back to sleeping in the same bed and just try be friends? It;’s funny when you are writing because you already know all the answers – we all do – but like Judy I feel so scared to be alone after all these years. we have an 11 year age gap so he is 55 and i am 44 and I just don’t want to waste the next ten years of my life on someone who doesn’t want me. Funny isn’t it, after what he did why do i still want him?? I know deep down I will always love him but can I afford to keep loving him now when it is destroying me! After 4 months you think you should be better, well, i dont cry as much but when i wake up the thoughts are there.. when i go to sleep.. the thoughts are there.. it’s the not knowing,, it;s trying to play it out in your head! It just goes on and on and on! I know it has to get better eventually and maybe it helps with no-one else knowing as I have to put up happy front which does help somewhat! (ok.. i did tell my best friend over here but i kind of regret it although she is supporting my decision and will talk to him when she sees him but i feel so stupid being so weak and i dont like to tell her when i have down days – i just say all is ok) As we live in a smallish town and he works in it – i just can’t tell people as it may also affect his income and we can’t afford that! Oh well girls.. i really have waffled on.. sorry.. Jules.. i am glad i found your sight as I was considering starting one of my own for women or men to rant on as I couldn’t find one out there.. i obviously hadn’t been looking properly! So if you haven’t fallen asleep yet after reading my novel I look forward to your comments!

    1. Hello Mitch welcome to the site. I see you really can relate to Judy, who is so wonderful, I hope she responds in a couple of days, it would be nice to hear from her. You articulated your thoughts and feelings so well, what you wrote is the story of thousands of women, so I am glad you took the time to write. It’s funny you mention about writing a long novel, I don’t mind at all, in fact, I encourage it. A big part of my recovery was writing, because when you write, you have to actually think about it before you write it, and to write your feelings is a healing mechanism in itself.

      You are literally in emotional prison after the affair, the amount of diverse emotions going through your head is really unlike any other situation. If someone you love gets hurt, you feel sad for them, you want them to feel better, you want to help them. With this, you feel anger one minute, sad the next, lonely the next, then embarrassed, it is emotional prison and you experience it no matter if you are in soul mate love when you find out, or if you are at each other’ throat when you find out, no matter if it is 2 years into the marriage, or 20, a one month affair, or 10 year affair – the pain is universal and so complicated, so don’t worry that you have not ‘gotten it together’ emotionally after 4 months, it literally took me a year and a half for me to finally get my emotions sorted out, it was a long journey, and I am not 100% there in my recovery, but I am so much happier. The key is to make progress forward however small the increments…

      I see two things going for you – the first is that you are only 44, you know that 40’s are the new 30’s…lol. The second thing is I noticed that you lived most of your life with him following his lead, making sure the home life was stable to support him, sacrificing for his career, and that might of been great to do at the time to support you and your family. But I think the time has come to think about you for a change, what you want to do, what are your interests, passions, goals. If you can’t answer that now, it’s ok, but I think it’s time to explore YOU. Doing this will help you get your mind off all of those emotions, it won’t erase it completely, but it will help.

      Lastly, there was a point in my recovery where I was where you were. I couldn’t get him to understand how those little actions (sending happy birthday), caused me so much pain. It hurt so bad to find out he was still in contact with her, or he wouldn’t tell me anything about her, as if he was protecting her. I tried so hard to explain it, and I never got him to really understand it. I say that because I don’t want you to put a ton of stress on yourself trying to get him to understand how hurt you are, because if you do that, you will be disappointed and what I had to realize it that it is not my job to force him to understand how I feel, either he does or he doesn’t, so I had to let go of trying to force him, it literally started to make me sick. Letting go of trying to make him stop doing what he was doing and letting go of trying to get him to understand was a HUGE part of my journey, and it didn’t happen until about a year after I first found out because I didn’t know any better. I wish you well on your journey…

  61. the thoughts keep taunting you. I know the feeling. He texted me last night…forgive me, God is forgiving. Ok, i know humans are not perfect, but a real person with respect and dignity will make every effort to improve. You can just ask for forgivness and then do the samething over again….? Doesn’t work that way. Unfortunately with him ….I gave him several chances. I’ve put with his gambling and now the women. I am emotionally tired and I really don’t see the point anymore. He is a lost cause. We have no kids or really any financial ties. Makes my decision a little bit easier, but still ITS A HARD DECISION to make…i love him. I know that if he comes back our fights will become more intense…why make life more miserable?

    I think this cheating thing goes on alot, almost every relationship endures this…but a lotta of women just don’t talk about it OR even better they never find out. Such losers these men are.

  62. Hey Jewels

    Thanks for the words of wisdom! I guess like you said in one of your bloggs.. why does he want to work on the marriage now? I am soooo frustrated.. I can’t get over how when he first kissed her to the day he went further.. there were a couple days in between and for me – time to have backed out but he didn’t as he didn’t want to – obviously – and same as said before.. if I hadn’t discovered the affair would he still be in it? How can he switch off completely – emotionally – to her? You just don’t and I know he must have definitely had deep feelings for her or he would never have gone through with it as he is not a one night stand type person at all. I guess I just can’t come to terms with that and maybe he is saying this to make sure I don’t contact her – protecting her which deep down is what I believe. I wake up with them on my mind.. I go to sleep with them on my mind.. i don’t force it.. its just there and he can’t understand that. I think it really is the not knowing that eats at you! I am normally very happy, funny and lately I just feel so shattered as I keep up the happy when out and about but drop it at home. i do try be happy and there are days I am… but the days I am not are crap. i am so sick of thinking of all this! I know you say it is now time to look at me – problem is I don’t know who me is and i don’t know how to find out. I can’t financially afford to take time off and go discover myself.. I wish I could. I feel like I want to move country but then he says the kids would be devastated. I know they would as we have such a close relationship but I just don’t know what to do.. arrgghhh… sooooo frustrating!!!! Dammit… why wasn’t i born rich & spoilt and have celebrity parents myself then it would just be another day in the life of yawn.. me! Fek fek and fek it!!!! Where’s the genie in the bottle when you bloody need him??

    1. Mitch,

      I totally wish I was rich at the time I found out as well. I had two very young kids, financially problems, and a full time job. I wanted time to grieve but didn’t have the time that I wanted so bad. Who does that, doesn’t have time to grieve but it happens all the time in this situation. I didn’t realize how much it helped me at the time, but I demanded my husband watch the kids sometimes so that I could think. I told him I needed some time after work to just breathe before I literally go crazy. You need that time, get that time, make it a priority. I didn’t know who I was as well, but I started to use those couple of hours a week to just listen to my thoughts and sort out the madness (yes the madness) in my head that I could not control, it went from one extreme to the next. I would go driving without the radio on, go walking, and just see what comes up, you would be surprised. I didn’t know who I was at the time, I questioned my spirituality, my thoughts on relationships, people, trust, my parents. I had to start all over again, and did not know what was going to happen. But I got that time, and when I say time to look at ‘you’, if you don’t know who that is, just make time to be still. Not in the house, outside of the house. The house is a reminder of the affair, and that is why when you pull up you don’t feel the same. This is one of the most if not the most complicated situation you will face, the emotions are so all over the place, I can’t find many situations to compare it to – but you would of never had this happen if you did not have the strength to get through it. Take Care!

  63. Wow – -I’ve read every word from everyone here (yes even the long ones :)). You are all so strong in dealing with your situations. It’s been 6 months since D-Day. I’ve been married for 8 years — husband is divorced with 3 kids. He was unhappily married but didn’t have the courage to leave (he was never really in love with her — thought he couldn’t do any better when he graduated college — so he married young but they had nothing in common, so he was always out with friends, going to games, never home). He did this for 13 years — avoiding everything…. Then he met me. I did not do anything with him until he was divorced — but maybe that should have been my first clue that he couldn’t deal with issues at home. I knew his friends so I thought he was really a good person and I heard there were many issues in their marriage and that he had wanted to leave a long time ago, but could never do it. I’m also divorced from an emotionally unavailable man who I left due to his issues. So – fast forward — we both go into our new marriage emotionally connected and I feel it’s perfect…..until just 3 years into it (2005) I discover phone calls to three different women at odd hours of the day on our phone bill — they were cell phone and home numbers. All are coworkers. One was a neighbor who I didn’t know, but who I waved to every day driving by her house. Told my husband — oh this person seems really nice – -turns out she is one of the women he was calling and he didn’t even tell me he knew her. Lies upon lies — sooo he apologizes, lets me check phone, etc (didn’t have blackberries back then) — so I couldn’t check work email. At that time I believed he just needed to vent about work and was embarrassed to tell me how inadequate he feels at work (despite being a corporate executive) — has low self-esteem and feels like he is living a lie at work and will be “found out” that he really knows nothing (no self-confidence — from a small town but did make it). He was also a failure with his kids. Both parents were not there for them emotionally and never set any real expectations — so needless to say only 1 out of 3 graduated from college and none of them have done much now and are dependent on us. I think that maybe he married me thinking I was the savior to his life and his failures. That somehow I could fix his kids — they were too old at that point and that would be too much for me. I was more of an advisor/friend to them, but chose to respect his first wife with the “mother” role. I think he wanted me to take this over. This past Feb/March I noticed strange behavior — losing weight, money coming out of his checking account (cash) and an increased interest in sex. I actually asked him if there was someone else – he said no — he was a mess that month — promoted to a different job in his company and now even more convinced he was out of his league and living a lie. I encouraged him to take the job to get out from an oppressive boss — I think he blamed me for that (but now is thankful he did it). Also one of my stepsons moved in with us (24 years old) and was still leaving wet towels on the floor, on the lazy side, never cleaning up in the kitchen, just content working a minimum wage job with a college degree. I just asked my husband to talk to him about it and he took it so personally — like I hated his son. If he were my biological son, it would have been worse :). So I had to make him the bad guy in talking to him. I was the one who helped him figure out a budget so he could get an apartment, I talked to him about a career — life things. My husband still continued his non-involved ways, so I was getting a little resentful. My husband was glad to have him home — and I liked having him around, but it really put a wedge between us as he wasn’t concerned about being a “DAD” – just a friend. Our intimacy continued to be non-existent (for over a year) — until he started the major affair. She is married with a 9 year old son and was working on a project with him at his work. He had been coming home late on Friday nights and that was a red flag. Not super late — but late enough and the reasons weren’t anything I would believe. Then one night he was really late and never emailed me or called me. To my horror I called his Blackberry and he must have hit the answer button by mistake not wanting to though. The phone was on but he didn’t know — i heard 45 minutes of him out with another married woman (a different woman) drinking champagne for his new job. SHE organized this for him and her. What’s up with married women now too? Anyway — my stepson and I both heard the conversation — my H said how bored he was at home and how he thought that I thought he was an a#%. They kissed at the car and then my stepson called him and busted him. He came home devasted. (He was really, really drunk.) From there I asked to see his Blackberry and that is where I found out about the major affair with the other married co-worker. This one had the I L Y texts and all of the details about him and her leaving early from work so he could drive 15 miles out of the way to take her to her parking lot where she got the bus. They would kiss at work, meet for lunch, coffee, stop for drinks after the ride to her car, etc. And this is a man with a high job at a big company — did he not even think about the professional ramifications either? I saw every email and text. They did not have sex, but she was pushing for it — said things like — ‘we really need to plan an overnight’ — my friend really wants me to go to Boston with her — so we should do that. His emails back didn’t pursue it, but I think it would have happened. This was from late January to mid-March. THEN — found texts to two of the original women from 2005 that he said he had stopped contact with — sort of suggestive in nature. (One is that neighbor – -who is the wife of a pilot who is never home and the other is a former co-worker who is lonely and desperate) I called the husband of the major affair woman — not sure if that was the right thing to do, but I wanted the truth out there. Now my husband is devasted and humilated that I have found out all of his sick issues. How can so many things be going on at the same time with different people? Maybe he can’t love anyone and he can’t say no to women who are open to pursuing him. They all have to have issues to even want to be involved with him. He is in counseling. He says he always looked up to me and was living a lie trying to impress me. These people were outlets — all were unhappy and vulnerable — so he took advantage of them too. He wrote a letter to the major affair woman ending it and she is supposedly gone from the company now (she was with a consulting firm). He did show it to me and I could tell that it happened because of some other texts he thought I didn’t see. He is desperately trying to salvage our marriage and rebuild it. Has been an open book, comes home early, takes me on his business trips, calls me constantly and even told his own sister what he did and that he can’t believe he would do something like this — he wasn’t raised this way — but that he felt like a country boy in a corporate world living a false life — no self-confidence and failed his kids. I think that is a major contributor. I was a little more pushy with my stepson to get him moving. When the fight about the affair started, my stepson overheard and actually told my husband that I was more of a mother to him than either my husband or his own mother. Yikes. So I’m tired and humiliated. I can’t even tell my friends about all of these transgressions. Do I even think of giving this a shot? I would be ok financially if I divorce –although I left my well-paying job in May to try to get a hold of myself. He wanted me to relax so we could heal. I was a stressed person at home being in a high pressure job, so I know I wasn’t always “happy”. And we didn’t communicate at all. He has done everything right for the last six months — but there are soooo many triggers and so much baggage and I can never trust him again. Can someone like this ever change even after counseling? I tell him he has a good side and a bad side — it’s like there are two different people. He said the horrible person is dead now and he is focused on being the good person he knows he is deep down. I’m so tired of living like this and have more self-pride to live with an emotional “abuser”….that’s how I look at it….but the alternative scares me to death. I am late 40s and have no children of my own, so I would be VERY alone. Help. I wish I could see a year into the future to know how everything will turn out. How long does this process take? I’m not myself and want to feel true JOY. I need to be happy so badly as I’m a positive person by nature and am with a negative person. I do still love him and want to help him, but don’t want to be an idiot or a fool. Am I sick?

    1. Hello Ella,

      Welcome to the site, you are not sick at all, what you went through is literally traumatizing. Seeing all of those texts, traumatizing, the different women, traumatizing, hearing him talk to another woman for 45 minutes, traumatizing. You mind has been filled with things that are so painful and difficult to get over, so do not feel bad that you are still dealing with a roller coaster of emotions. Remember there are 3 recoveries that take place in every affair. The recovery of the marriage (should you stay/leave), the recovery of the husband (can he stop and act right), and your recovery (from the mental trauma). I get the feeling from the email that you are really working on the marriage part, and your husband is trying on his part, but I did not see much action on your part. The fact that he is being an open book, very good sign, the fact that you are not experiencing joy, not so good. I almost get the feeling that the work and dealing with this is literally draining you, and that the marriage can not survive that way. If you can afford to get counseling on your own, that might help. I think you need to have more confidence so that if you do leave, you will not have the fear of being alone. And in my opinion, the best way to do that is to take some time out of your schedule to get to know yourself, get to understand what your interests are, your passions are. Find something that can help get your mind off of the cheating all the time, it will help you and the marriage. And I think you will get to a state where you will realize there is a huge different from being alone to being lonely. Being alone at certain periods in your life can be amazing. Just because you are in your late 40’s with no kids doesn’t mean that you can not live a wonderful life, single or married. And no matter if you stay or leave, it is of utter importance that you start carving out that time to explore yourself because at the end of the day, you can not force him not to cheat. You can give him the tools, you can support him, and either he is going to change or not. It’s not your job to do it or be stressed wondering. And the universe will tell you the answer without you having to focus on it, trust me. You don’t feel true JOY because you are too focused on everything else but yourself, and that is not how we are made. And I know your husband has self esteem issues ect. But remember it is not your job to pull him and make him see how wonderful he is. You job is to support him and be there, but not to convince him he is great – the only person that can do that is him. He has got to realize it on your own. And in my opinion, the best thing you can do is continue to be great, continue to be happy, and show him by example how to live life. If he follows your lead, great. If not, that is fine as well, as that is his own journey and you have to be ok with the fact that the timing of his journey might not match up to your own. I hurt for my husband, I cried for him, I wanted him to know how much I wanted him to be a better man. But in doing so, it dragged me down into a sad and depressed state, because my body was not made to take on the burden of someone else’s problems and my own, it’s too much. Once I let go of that, and told myself that I am going to let go of the need to control and know, I will start to focus on myself and my desires, as well as giving the marriage a chance to survive, and I trust life will direct me in the path that is right for me. And that is exactly what happened. I wish you well.

  64. “emotional abuser”….yup that’s what these men are. Its interesting how he was trying to seek acceptance in all the wrong places…the real issue was himself and other things…but he probably discussed with the counselor only. I feel like asking these men…WAS IT REALLY WORTH IT? IS THERE NO SHAME WITH THESE MEN? It just angers me, that they play with other people’s emotions, future and happiness….. FOR THE SAKE OF WHAT…a stupid fling with a stupid woman. I mean people make mistakes, but then there are mistakes that you just can’t redeem yourself….i mean what about his own self respect and image??

    ELLA…. you’re not sick!! What can you do to help him? He has to help himself. That’s what i learned from my situation. How can you help him from cheating?….you can be there all the time to watch and be the voice of reason…? I tried that …I almost went insane. Its hard, and he is trying to make up for it…but the trust has been compromised. What a way to get caught…truth always comes out in the worse possible way.

    Take care of yourself, please! You are number one…should stay that way.

  65. Daisy, Mitch and Jewels,
    Your responses brought tears to my eyes. I am to be able to release what really happened to me to people who can relate. I have not even told my best friend or family due to the utter devastation it would cause. I do need to focus on myself. I think not working is not a good thing. I had a stressful job, yes, but I think I need some other purpose to help me feel good. I need to help others and get out the house and do something for ME. You are exactly right. I did see a counselor, but haven’t been to her in over a month, so I’m due. She knows my husband and her professional opinion was that he is a lost soul — not an evil person — but who really needs help. But yes — I will trust the universe as you suggest — it worked for me before in my first marriage — I just knew one day — and I need to let go and just live. Thank you all so much. I know everyone has their own version of this horrible pain. It is something you can’t ever imagine. You would see it on TV or hear about it — but until you go through it, no one can even understand. I have new found empathy towards anyone going through something like this. I will be checking back to see how we are all doing!

  66. Hello everyone:

    Yes, Mitch, unfortunately I still need websites like this, I haven’t written because there is not much to say — a year and a half and the pain and sadness is still with me. The only thing that has made it bearable is I have gone on Paxil. I fought the idea for over a year, but my daughters have encouraged me to do so, as I was becoming a basket case — the sadness was getting worse and I would have days of having the worst crying “jags” and inconsolable weeping (I think the Paxil was more for their sanity with me than mine – lol). It was the best thing I did — I am not saying it is for everyone, but for me it has worked to allow me to not focus non stop on the affair. I am not a proponent of drug therapy, as I felt it made me a “weak” person to have to turn to this method of coping, but I was so distraught about the affair and it was becoming worse not better as time went on.

    I am still married, I don’t wear a wedding ring any longer, as I don’t feel married to my husband — my whole world changed the day I discovered his affair. I now have a new world, filled with distrust, insecurity, and loneliness. Friends, family do not understand what this does to a person, and therefore, I have no one to talk about this with. My husband is trying to gain my trust, gain my respect and my love back, but our relationship is different and will always be, even if we make it thru this nightmare.

    I am sorry to not be able to give more encouraging information to all of you, but find whatever will work for each of you to navigate through this purgatory – because for me it still is being in purgatory, in a limbo of what I will finally decide to do…stay and try to move on with this new marriage or leave and move on with my own life.

    Jewels — thanks for this site, I forgot how much it helps to share – how cathartic it can be — everyone I wish you a better day than yesterday was for you.

  67. Hello everyone,
    Judy it is so good to hear from you! I realize that sounds crazy under the circumstances but I hope you realize what I mean. Hi Jewels, Mitch and Ella as well.
    I too still need this site and have been reading all the new posts as they come in but haven’t responded either. I am still married and living with my husband and still feeling traumatized, depressed and overwhelmed. I’ve been in counseling weekly and working on my PTSD symptoms as well as processing thru what I see for myself and my future. It makes me furious to know that my husband and the OW caused my PTSD to be reactivated and become so disabling for me. My therapist says that she believes that by her attacking me and sending me those horrible emails it created this PTSD. I remain haunted by flashbacks, triggers, intrusive thoughts and feelings of despair. I will be seeing a new Psychiatrist in two weeks that specializes in trauma and hope she can get me on right meds to relieve some of these symptoms.
    My husband came to a few of my sessions as my counselor wanted to get a read on him and hoped to educate him on the reality of how traumatic this is for me and how is lying about it for so long has harmed me even further. He says he gets it and then once again becomes intolerant of my emotional state. I literally almost ran into the OW and her friend that helped cover for them with me and OW’s husband last Friday at shopping center down the street. I was overcome with fear, anxiety and pain for days afterwards. My PTSD tells my brain it is still happening in real time and makes the pain so intense.
    Judy it’s sad that we are still so similar in our experiences however it is good to hear from you, when the new posts come into my email I think of you and hoped that you were doing well. I hope you stay in touch. I have been reluctant to post because my low self esteem tells me I should be in a better place by now and I’m just not. In regards to taking meds please dont beat yourself up about that. You have experienced real trauma and your brain chemistry has been effected by that. Think of the paxil as vitamins for your brain. It is a strength to do what is right for you and your well being and you are so far from weak. I agree It does feel cathartic to share and
    I will continue too. Jewels thanks again for all you do, your courage and strength are inspirational.
    I’m thinking of all of you and once again grateful to all of you and saddened that something so tragic and life altering has brought us together.
    Warmly,
    Susan

  68. Ella you’re such a good person, loving wife. You are a good wife….my definition of wife is someone that shows day in and day out unconditional LOVE. Never think this is your fault and that some how you failed by not changing him. These men can not commit themselves to anyone because they can not respect themselves….they’re not even thinking about the kinda diseases out there. My soon to be ex….I married him because I saw some potential and good…but I just couldn’t make him see that what he was doing with the gambling, drinking and women were wrong. He is on the wrong path literally, destroying everything.

    Looking back, the one good and blessed thing that happen…was I became more religious…and prayed for strength, happiness, health…I found a profound appreciation for my life….I am blessed. I have my family and friends….I am learning more about my religion and HOPE.

    Look to your family and friends…they are a blessing and they will help you heal. Religion for me was the number one thing that gave me HOPE and STRENGTH. You can’t hold this in. I came to this site because I was trying to make sense of this hurt and confusion. THE ONE THING that stood out was that… you can’t control them and you can only control yourself. The insight on this site and the advice from JEWELS is so valuable.

    Your just tired and exhausted. I’VE MET MY limit and I chose to get out of the storm. Fight for your happiness….the rest will fall into place.

    Stay strong and firm in what you want in life…. 🙂 The rest will fall into place.

  69. Hi Guys

    Judy, thanks so much for writing.. I am so glad to hear from you! In one way I am glad to hear you are still not recovered so i don’t think I am insane. It’s just that I don’t think we can ever recover from this. It’s like when the judge says to the jury – disregard that comment – how can you – if you heard it you can’t but help it when considering decisions!! As for the happy tabs – well my dear – good for you!! You know – far too much stigma attached to the ol happy tabs -but they are medicine and designed to help so if they help – why not????? It’s good taking them.. it means you are helping yourself – how can that be wrong!!!! It is also funny how we don’t share this information with others – i think in my case because i don’t want people saying things behind my back like “stupid fool” just as I would have said in exactly the same situation. Funny how you think when it’s your own situation! I suppose it i knew it was over or I had left I wouldn’t mind but I kinda think besides people calling me stoopid they would also think i am sad – like – who stays with a man that has an affair??? I guess we all know the world you are living in filled with deceit and lies and no matter how much he says he wants to make it better you just don’t believe it. I am still always looking for clues and even though he says no contact i just can’t believe it.. same as she wanted him for soooo long, why would she give up so easy?? I suppose it’s different as well because they are in two different countries and not easy to see each other at all.. i can check his phone but as it’s a blackberry – i suppose same as any other phone,, all you do is delete the sent message! As jewels suggested – get outside the house and do things but you know i just can’t as even when i do the thoughts are always there. I go for a walk most days, put the earphones in and turn up the volume but no matter what bloody song you listen to you think somehow it’s about you and yours!! arghh!!! i go for a walk on the beach, no music, uh oh… just as bad! Blinking hell…. you open your eyes and thoughts are there.. you close your eyes and thoughts are there……. oi….. beam me up scotty – pleeeeeeze!!!! I had a melt down the other night – again – to his annoyance.. and you would think that after all that the next night he would be sensitive.. try do something out of the norm.. just to show how sorry he is to see you so upset the night before.. but noooo… this in turn frustrates me more! I cannot understand how he doesn’t think like i do.. like “normal” people do! How many times can you be asking and asking and when we do have a blow up he’s like i don’t know what to do to make it up to you – well – firstly i would think all he has to do is actually think! Not that hard – surely! I dont know.. i just think that it probably will not work out.. like Jewels said.. why the reluctance to end it with her straight away – with my husband he said he would call when he was ready – when i told him to take her off face book he nearly had a canary – tell tale signs he still had her feelings to consider. I suppose being realistic – yes he had to.. not like he was going to snap his fingers and puff all memory of her erased.. even I am not that stupid to think that! Problem is though i don’t think it will ever be erased from his memory either and that’s what’s going to kill us… me never believing she is out of the picture! You know Judy – you are not alone like the rest of us… we are all in this together – some have bigger burdens than ours.. one day at a time… uh oh.. only 365 in a year and am only 44 so fek… that’s thousands of days still to go !! Funny how talking about it doesn’t help.. .. you would think it does… ah well….

  70. Emotional roller coaster — I’ll say. So has anyone felt this? On the weekends/evenings when you are together and “working on the relationship” — it feels like it all never happened/like it always has and everything is good. They act loving, caring, etc. And then when you aren’t together, the flood of pain comes back and you start thinking about the torture all over again? How could he be this way with me but do this other horrible stuff on the side? It’s the ultimate flip flop. Can’t figure out what I’m feeling. Do I want this to work or not? Some days I do — but am I living a lie to think that he has changed — or is he just this type of person deep down. Or – – do I really think he has woken up and is scared about pathetic and fake his life has been (at least that’s how he describes it) and how he will do anything to be a good person. I don’t know. Daisy said it — do these men have no shame — they put it all on the line…..job, reputation, money, homelife, kids, etc. For what??? So do you try to forgive (don’t like that word in affair situations) — but at what price….. and so another day will come and go and I’m hoping some progress. I did join a gym over the weekend and have several outings planned with my girlfriends — Me-Time! Thank you Jewels for reminding me to do this. I used to take care of ME all the time (when I was single — that’s when men were all interested in me — when I had my own thing going on)– and then I got sucked into my H’s drama and family issues that I can’t even begin to help. And now I don’t want to. I’m releasing it all! So we’ll see what happens. The kicker is that while we were dating, I did break up with him once because of his negativity and his issues with his own children that he refused to deal with. Sometimes I don’t think that he truly is capable of loving his own kids. He says he does, but his actions don’t say it. Yes, he provides (or is that his way of showing it) — but does nothing to help them emotionally or to talk/advise them. And he’s too concerned about watching football on the weekends to miss a game to spend time with his grandson (his daughter has a 7-year old son)…yet he complains that he never sees him. Kind of like a martyr. (So -this was just in the last month — his daughter got into trouble because her car inspection sticker expired — pulled over, etc. Turns out she didn’t send in her registration either. Major trouble. So what did he do? He talked to her initially, but afterwards, he didn’t follow up — and when I asked him — he TEXTED her to see what the deal was and then when I asked him what was going on after several days — he said — I don’t know — she didn’t reply. He’s done this with all of the kids. Just avoids dealing with everything. Immature? Selfish? Socially inept? is this all men? I know his Dad is the exact same way. I had taken some me time, dated other men — but was still in love with him. And then we married. Sick huh? Some days I want to make it work (they say people fall in love because our needs are met — then why would we stay when our needs — fidelity/being cherished, etc — aren’t and weren’t being met – actually we thought they were, but it was deceit?) Some days I feel like going out there and starting a new adventure and getting away from the toxic nature of this. I left my first husband due to that. I couldn’t bear the burden. And I was fine — had some fun. But then I think got into another bad situation. I guess I need to figure what else is going on with me and why I attract people like this? Anyone feel like this? Does anyone know any men who have done this and have any insight from them on how their brain works? I guess I question if they really do love us and something has gone wrong with their wiring. Or did they really only feel like we were meeting their needs at the time and then when times got tough, they needed some other fix — no true feeling. And then the big question — has anyone met or been tempted by any other man outside your own marriage since your D-day? I just wonder if it could happen and how you would feel about it.

    1. Hello Everyone!!

      I am sooo happy to see all of the updates from everyone….where do I begin!!

      Judy – I am so glad to hear from you, when Mitch reached out, I wondered if you were going to respond and I think it meant alot to Mitch and myself that you took the time out to respond, it made my day. I know you feel that you should be further along, but your journey is your journey, and you have nothing to be ashamed of, absolutely nothing, matter of fact, I applaud you because I really feel that you are the voice of most women in this situation, and people read your story and the other stories on this post and say ‘oh my gosh, I am not the only one’. You have no idea how empowering that is for others. Continue to know the wonderful power within you, no matter what anyone else tells you, it’s there. And I like Mitch’s term happy tab’s!! I use to go to the vitamin store looking for relaxation pills and distressing pills because I just wanted to feel calm and I couldn’t. I stopped after a couple of bad reactions but Judy again nothing to be ashamed of. There are many women that turn to alcoholism or illegal drugs so you are just fine. Glad to hear from you.

      Susan!! Good to hear from you as well. The thing that I love about you is your fight. You refuse to give in and constantly search for understanding and the wisdom to heal your pain, and that is wonderful, because some women are so down and out, that reaching for the knowledge that you are reaching for is not even a concept, so good for you for putting the effort into yourself. You may not see progress now, but keep pushing for it, one day you are going to wake up, and all that time spent trying to understand yourself and get the help you need is going to payoff big time, and I can not wait to hear it when it does! No rush, it will come when it is time.

      Ella, You are not crazy in your thoughts, the ‘decision stage (should I stay or leave) is the most difficult part of recovery, because your mind is literally like a ping pong match, it is very trying on you emotionally. But II think you are onto something very great when you said in your previous post that you need some other purpose in helping others and doing something for you. I am writing a book about my journey and it has been very hard for me because or writers block and me not being satisfied with what I have, I keep feeling something is missing, and until I figure it out, I can not move forward. Well the past two weeks I uncovered a huge milestone (And in the past 3 months I have made good progress, to the point where I am getting excited with what I have and how it can help, which is where I need to be). Anyways, I finally realized a major part that is missing in the book is how much creating this site has aided me in my journey. Because it gave me a purpose bigger than my own life, my cheating husband, ect, it literally gave me focus and redirection of thoughts, and I realize that is what is missing from the book, purpose and how that can change your life in the midst of a storm. I had no clue at the time how much the site and every single woman that has posted would help me. And for you it doesn’t have to be a site like this, it could be volunteering to help kids with homework after school, as long as you are passionate about it, it will do wonders for your recovery, as it has for me. So keep focusing on what you wrote, there is more wisdom in it than you think.

      Mitch, You talk about the embarrassment factor from the affair, which was HUGE for me. It actually was one of the last parts of my recovery, as of a couple of months ago from the standpoint of telling co-workers and acquaintances. Every telling family and close friends was a difficult part of my affair recovery, people can be so mean, and sometimes I get the feeling certain people want you to fail, it’s strange, and I felt like if they knew, they would win. I know it sounds crazy but that is how I felt. Part of why we feel that way is because no one is talking about it, it’s like the silent epidemic. I know because once I let go and started being more open about my husband’s cheating and even the site, everyone had a story. It might of been their brother, mom, best friend, co-worker. Everyone had a cheating story. So I thought, oh my gosh, I literally thought I was the only one in the office, the only one in my family, the only one out of my friends, when in actuality, I was the only one that spoke, but many had experienced. And yes did I feel like people were looking at me funny after I stated that he cheated but was still living with him a year later, yes. But I realize I can not even start to explain to them how incredibly difficult that decision is, and it is not worth my time explaining they will never know. So I understand how you feel, and know that you can use this site anytime until you feel comfortable talking to others.

      Daisy, I am thankful for the encouragement that you give others on the site, many women on the site haven’t told family and friends for various reasons and this is the only place they feel comfortable sharing their thoughts, so it is nice to know you have taken the time to respond to so many comments and give encouragement through your story. Yes, it is sad that so many men are like this, but eventually I had to let that thought go, because if I didn’t, he won into turning me into the angry bitter woman, and I refused to let him to that to me. Now don’t get me wrong, I played that role quite well for some time, but I did it so much it took a toll on my health, almost as if I wanted him to know I was mad, bitter and upset. At the same time, I was trying to chance him and force him to see my ways. I got so stressed out I literally got sick, and that is when I had to let go of that anger, it wasn’t worth my health, and looking back I think it impacted me so much because it really was not who I am at my core. I was trying so hard to make him realize how hurtful this had been, and when he didn’t understand that, it was devastating, so I had to realize that I don’t have to prove anything to him, and that helped me turn things around. Anyways, I digress, but thanks again for all of your comments!!

  71. Morning Guys

    Firstly Jewels,, I am glad that maybe all these new updates are unblocking the writers block.. go woman…and it is brillo to get that feeling of achievement at the end of it! Good for you. I wish I could write a book as I am sure you can tell I tend to write short stories every time I start writing – even with emails.. the poor recipients probably fall asleep half way through them!!
    Ella.. well.. emotional roller coaster .. aah yes.. i do believe I am not permanently strapped into one! Like you say.. you are together and all is well.. then in my case it doesn’t even have to be apart.. just something said or a thought pops into your head and bitch from hell – my other me – takes over!! Arrrgghhh.. sooooo annoying! Like, you’re not willing it to happen but of course you can see in on his face.. oh no.. here we go again!! Well, it just can’t be helped and he just doesn’t get it. Does he or they actually think we enjoy wallowing in this self pity state??? Like what the hell?? yes, there are many people out there who love wallowing but I am not one of them.. I am one of those .. only you can help yourself.. in sickness and health.. so just get on with it.. so to be in this stupid confused state is more than mentally draining!! In one way I am lucky.. i only have one woman to deal with..( i think) so how any of you cope with more i do not know – secondly – she is not a psycho bitch banging down our door – bit hard to do when thousands of miles apart but hey – it could have happened and these are questions i ask him.. did he not consider that this could have happened? I guess for me the worst is just not knowing and that’s what keeps coming up in my head – picturing what happened over the time he spent at her place! He can say he put her out his mind and just moved on..but me being human – strangely – i know it the tables were turned could i switch him off? I highly doubt it.. you don’t have a relationship with someone that long and then never think of them again or contact them.. I just cannot believe that, I know he will also give me answers he thinks I want to hear but that makes it worse.. I would rather hear the truth than constantly keep thinking he is lying to me.! I also mentioned before that writing all this down doesn’t help but of course it does… it’s getting out of your body but what i meant is it won’t give me the answers I am looking for. What I hate most is that it is like ground hog day.. how many times do we say these things over and over again?? Will i still be writing the same stuff a year later??? My H says he is sorry – yea yea – but how do you believe them? So you try carry on like normal but it always seems like an act to me.. I feel if we do kiss it’s with restraint and if someone was really into you it may start small but become passionate.. not saying leading to sex.. just talking about kissing… but it doesn’t so what do you think then.. he’s not interested.. he’s only doing this to keep his life together as now he knows what trauma it did cause and how much upset it will cause with the kids.. but why bother.. coz then I am back to my insecurities – which never left in the first place. It is hard enough trying to be intimate in any form but I try only to be let down by thoughts of he is not wanting this.. as any other man who fancied you would be kissing you madly – just like we did when we first got married. I think as one site had said – you go through the honeymoon stage – i did – all i wanted to do was be loved and hugged but stupidly it is me who is doing it all when it should be the other way around.. why am i playing the person trying to make it better.. coz I think it was all my fault?? No, I am not that stupid.. we got into a bad place because of both of us but where I needed more from our relationship – emotionally – he couldn’t give it – hence it just built up more and more conflict in everything we did till we hated each other.. yet we stayed together so there is no excuse for what he did.. he should have left before he slept with her.. he didn’t.. and forever and ever these stupid thoughts will be in my head! I hate him.. i love him.. i hate him… i love him… aaarrrrggghhhhhh…… I wish i could bloody beat him up!!!!!!!!!! (I probably could too)!!!!! Oh crap.. I waffled on and on again.. sorry.. Ok… to end off today all I want to say it that I am only looking for sincerity… kiss me and let me feel you really want to.. don’t always make a joke just to make it feel less uncomfortable… dammit.. make it like it is in the bloody movies… how come they always have a happy ending???? Oh and Ella.. i did have an offer of dinner with some hunky fella also here on business I met through work a while back but i said no.. maybe I wanted to but then would I not be as low as my husband.. tit for tat…. I would be no better than him so would it be worth it? I didn’t think so… those thoughts could change though as time goes by – whoo knows! (ps. I didnt see Susan’s update but good to know you still here even though somehow that doesn’t sound right does it???)

  72. Hi jewels it doesn’t seem that my last post actually posted. I’m seeing it but my name is in red and if I click on it it takes me back to blog? I’m a spazz with this stuff!! Would u post it and Please tell me what I’m doing wrong. I really want Judy to see it. I was so relieved that we heard from her. Thanks!

    1. Thanks for the heads up, you posted correctly it is fixed now so everyone should see each other’s updates, I guess the default for the website was 100 comments so I just extended it. I am so glad you and Ella let me know, because I will be offline from Wed-Sunday so if you don’t see responses from me in a couple of days, that is why. I am taking a trip with girlfriends, first out of town trip of this kind and this is a huge milestone for me as I use to always have excuses not to do something fun for myself! Take care, I will be thinking of everyone!!!

  73. Ella…its interesting how you asked why you keep tracking these kinds of men. I was thinking about the same thing in my case. All the men that I have known….really really really really show interest and there’s so much attraction….then they lose interest. I’m not really a controlling person..I’m simple, hardworking and on top of my game. I am defiantly not high maintenance…but I am nice by nature.

    These kinds of men like to take advantage of nice women. You ever wonder why the mean girls have well behaved boys?

    I dunno, I guess with each experience you have to reflect and see a pattern in the men. I’ve learned giving and taking should be 50/50. No guy is worth more that ratio. Has to go both ways, or else you will be like me ….major resentment.

    thanks Jewels! You right, I think the one major thing I am dealing with right now is the resentment. We talked yesterday. I’m so tired of it….blah blah blah…yada yada yada….please go away…just dragging this whole process.

  74. Oh — so glad this was fixed so I can see all of the posts — thank you Jewels. Everyone here makes such great points – – I can relate to all of you. I had that 50/50 day again. I think I read something on this sight about using music and dancing! I was on YouTube today playing songs from “back in the day” — you know – we all have “the day” — regardless of how old we each are…..back when life was a blast and we were feeling great about ourselves. I relived my high school/college and first job days to the hilt with the music today — played everything and sang at the top of my lungs. I was on my A game again Daisy – and after I listened to all of that — I thought — my cheating husband isn’t going to rob me of that –ever! Daisy you are right. This type of man pursues and pursues and then when they get you I think maybe they get bored – the thrill is gone. I noticed my current H was pursuing the O married W the EXACT same way he did with me. Scary actually. I am not high maintenance either! But I did do everything to please the selfish boy while he played the martyr act at work and with his family. I am going back to my old self — yes Jewels — the one who, like you, will make plans for ME –to see old friends (yes — women and men) and invite them to our tailgate this weekend at a football game. Won’t my husband be surprised — I’ve never really talked that much about “the day” — but my friends were great then. We had another major fight on Thursday night — I was in my rage mode again after seeing a trigger. Oh how I hate those moments. Threw a pizza box on the floor. Told him where I stand –that some days I don’t know if I want to continue. He turned white and then said he is not giving up what he is doing. And so it goes….. BUT — I feel like the music is my strength. Funny that my husband and I have different taste in music and he was listening to some with the OW while he would drive her to her car after work. Couldn’t even listen to the radio and the songs — she let him borrow the Lady Antebellum CD — now I can’t even hear a song and get sick. And I like them. But now I can’t even listen — that makes me sick that it has THAT much power over me. So some days I feel like I turned the corner. But others — you all know– are grim. The reality that the marriage is now scarred and the fact that I can’t say “wow — I have such a great husband” — at least on this level — are such huge blows. What kills is when people say — oh you have such a great husband — and I want to spit on the ground. And Mitch said it in an earlier post — why are we the ones who have to make an effort for them. It’s so infuritating and insulting actually. My husband still is doing all the right things — but how do I really know — maybe he’ll just be smarter the next time around. If there is a next time — maybe he won’t do anything — or maybe I won’t be around for a next time. Until next week — go listen to your songs….. I was listening to all kinds of songs — UPBEAT songs from wayyyyy back — Wow did they all bring back great memories….of when I felt good. Go do it — it works wonders! It has helped me with my confidence at least today. Everyone have a great weekend.

  75. Hi Guys

    Jewels.. i hope you had a blast on your hols and no doubt will tell us all about it! Ella.. good for you and positive thinking and dancing.. yup.. it’s always great to have good music to enhance your mood – i love all sorts of music but when i go for my walk around the block (3miles) I make sure it’s good upbeat dancy music as no point 2walking and listening to frikken love songs or songs about how he did this to me bla bla bla what we need is Gloria Gaynor.. yupp.. go one now go.. walk out the door.. just turn around now coz you’re not welcome anymore…. rock on missy! Funny though every day is still a huge challenge and your mind plays it’s own little play every day and the question is do i stay or do i go? You know financially not really viable unless i get another job in another country or perhaps another city.. or do i just stay and distance myself so as not to be hurt every time i feel let down because i am expecting so much.. and by so much i mean sincere hugs.. sincere kisses.. and then i wonder how sick am i to even be wanting this when i should be repulsed by the mere thoughts?? aarrrggghhhh.. the mind is a wonderful thing yet on the flip side it’s a bloody pain in the ass!!!!!! Pity we can’t get selective alzheimers!!!!!!!!! Ok,.. enough said for today! Enjoy girls! Oh jewels.. i sent him the link for the book which he did read, he even read stuff on this site but to say he would have taken more time reading the ingredients on a cadbury’s chocolate wrapper would be an understatement..

    1. Hello Mitch/Ella,

      Yes I had a great time, thanks for asking, I went to Jamaica, and had a blast. I relaxed and danced and ate good food with 6 other lovely women!! Ella made such a great point about dancing. The amount of satisfaction I get when playing some youtube videos and dancing to the music is incredible. I do it alone in my house sometimes which is great because no one is judging you, your free to move however you want, sing as loud as you want, and express yourself in a way in which feels good to you, it’s truly one of life’s great pleasure’s so I am glad Ella brought it up. I actually did a little rock right now in my desk to Gloria Gaynor. Maybe next time I see someone write a comment I should not write anything back, just send the you tube to Gloria Gaynor’s I will survive and say DANCE! Your last sentence about your husband made me laugh, men. On a more serious note, the stage of “Should I stay or leave, be affectionate or stand off” is a very difficult stage. There will be a ton of bricks lifted off of your shoulder when you actually make a firm decision to stay or leave and put action behind it. This stage for some women is the longest stage, it’s a tough choice to make. But just know once you make a decision and stick with it, some of the stress will go away, because then you can focus on moving forward, right now it’s hard because your brain is thinking about so many different directions. Take Care.

  76. Thank you for this website. The last month has been hell for me after discovering my husband has had multiple affairs & one night stands in the past year. We have been married 16 1/2 years, 4 kids who are being effected by this. I wantedto point out that the comments on here really helped. I totally get the one about this being worse than rape, I was raped in college, this us worse. Sitting in the doctor’s office crying & trying to explain why I needed testing was so upsetting and humiliating for me. Then last weekend I finally figured it out, all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball, cry, and eat. (I’ve gained 10 pounds in the last month.) Then I realized, the last time that happened was when our first daughter died a day after she was born. I was put on bedrest and anti depressants. This was during our first year of marriage. He actually had the nerve to tell me that he thought we could work through anything. He brought these people into our lives via the Internet, into our house, and our bed. He refuses to leave & I can’t hire a lawyer for a contested divorce. Anyway, I realized that this was making me sick, it was like a huge part of me died. I hate him for this, I can’t stand to look at him. It hurts because I know I must have him around for the kids. I am getting a divorce, he agreed to an uncontested one. I am lucky that my Teacher’s union perks actually cover uncontested divorce. However, in my state it takes over 3 months to finalize if you have kids, after you file. I’ve been going through all the paperwork & I just cry. Then I have to deal with becoming the Internet/computer keeper in the house, he turned over everything. I just don’t want to be the keeper anymore. The worst part is, we were separated last fall and he begged to come back. We were separated because he lost his temper and hit our oldest son, I moved out. After months of therapy & talking him out of suicide, I find out he initiated all these affairs. He said horrible stuff about me to them & know says he just wished they were all me the whole time. He has discussed suicide or disappearing & I told him I would not feel sympathy for him. I also told him he wasn’t going to get off that easy, he will be a responsible father & I will hold him to that. Now he’s saying that he wishes it were like he was like the prodigal son in the Bible and all would be forgiven. I’m so tired, I told him I needed the divorce, that maybe he was willing to live with me, but that I couldn’t live with someone I hated so much. I have some very supportive friends who I’ve told, and a little support from my mom. This past weekend I told him that he could watch the kids, after I sent them to bed. I went out with my best friend & it was so nice to be alone for me. The worst part is putting on a happy face 24/7. I teach 3rd grade, so I must be cheery. I can’t take off, I only have 3 personal days, which I need to save for court. I already took 2 daysfor doctors visits. Then I have my 4 beautiful kids, they hug & love, but they can also be trying too. The marriage counselor we were seeing sucked, he lied to he and I for over a year. She was also his personal counselor. She acts like should be giving him second chances, and that having unprotected sex with over 10 other people isn’t bad. She actually said, there is no bad guy in this when I confronted him in her office a month ago. Last week, I said she was wrong, what he did was bad. That I didn’t need to have her affirm it & once again said I wanted a divorce. Then in the last 5 days, all the sudden he is trying so hard & fixing things that he should have fixed 2 years ago. Buying gifts for me & the kids. It makes me so mad, especially since I look like the upset one. The one thing is that my kids asked if Daddy could sleep on the conch forever since he is nicer when he’s there. This brings me laughter & love, since they see I’m just trying to make it better for all of us. He still refuses to move out, but he is finally realizing that I’m done trying by myself. Like you and others have said, he realized too late. The worst part is, if he had walked away instead of begging to come home last January, I would have been ok. I feel tricked, betrayed, lied to, he even made me feel guilty about not being intimate with him during the separation and the first month we were back together. All the while he was acting like a sex addict, I think he might be. I now realize that there was nothing I could have done differently other than to trust my intuition, it was screaming something is wrong, but I let him and the marriage counselor make me feel bad for not trusting him. Well, no more. Anyhow, sorry to vent, but I also wanted to say thank you to all of you for sharing. I’ve read on glitches for the past 4 hours both your blogs and comments. Thank you for doing something beneficial with your experience and pain.
    Hope this made sense. -Dawn

    1. Hello Dawn,

      Welcome to the site, I am glad everyone’s comments are so helpful in this time of need, thank you for your kind words. I sense you have an intense feeling of being used since he begged to enter back into the marriage only to betray you. I also sense anger, which is probably intensified by seeing everyday.

      This is just my opinion, but there are a couple of things I would like to share. You mentioned that you are the internet keeper now since he found 10 women online, ect. Having that added responsibility is a bit much considering is appears you do everything else in the marriage as well, is there a way he could help out?? I am assuming when you saying computer/internet keep you mean that you are checking to make sure he doesn’t go on any sites, ect.? Or is it you have to maintain all the online bills, ect. now because he doesn’t trust himself with the computer?

      As far as your marriage counselor and his personal counselor – man oh man. He needs someone that is going to help him face his sex/internet addiction and get to the root of why he felt the need to live this double life. He can not get to the root of it with a counselor that is whispering sweet nothings in his ear and making you out to be the bad guy, that is very strange to me. If you recommend a different therapist I wonder if he would consider it. It’s as simple as this “If your life is where you want it to me right now, then you should keep your current counselor. But if you are not happy where you are, maybe you should see another specialist that might be able to better position you for getting the lifestyle and emotional happiness that you want”. It’s not saying that you will stay with him, you are just sharing your opinion, he can take it or leave it. Especially if he has thoughts of suicide, I think he needs someone more professional to help with his addiction and thoughts. You are the wife, you are not in a position to help him with such deep issues (he needs a professional), as well as be a teacher, as well as take care of 4 kids, and manage a divorce. There is not enough energy in one person and if you are not careful, stress will impact your health.

      Lastly, I know you are so angry and mad that your husband put you in such a tough spot. And I feel that alot of your thoughts are directed towards him. But in time, I want you to work on sending that energy back towards you and the kids. Meaning, you might come home and see him on the couch watching TV and think “I can’t stand him right now, look at him sitting there watching TV while my world is falling apart!” And that thought can be with you the rest of the night. When you feel that way, I want you to work on saying “My thoughts are better served thinking about something more valuable” And try to focus on thinking about how your kids are doing to deal with the divorce or creating your support system, how you are going to deal with the emotions around the affair, ect. I am not saying your husband is not valuable, what I am trying to say is the energy that you spend focusing on the anger towards him can be better served to helping YOU get to a better place. The reason is that you are running on E right now in your gas tank. You can’t give gas to anyone right now until you fill up your tank. Once you do that, then you will be in a position to help others in need. And I am writing this as if it is easy, it’s not, took months for me to really be able to do this myself, but my hope is that in writing this, you will at least think about re-directing your focus off of him a little sooner than you usually do next time. Take care, start filling up your tank, and I hope everything works out in your favor.

  77. Hello Ladies,
    Jewels so happy for you that you went to Jamaica and did something just for you. Jewels got her groove back!!
    Dawn I’m sorry to hear you are experiencing all kinds of horribly traumatizing things at one time. Jewels is absolutely right about the counselor being really out there. Their is a bad guy in this situation and it is not you in anyway. I really encourage you to find a counselor for yourself that deals with trauma especially since you experienced the trauma of rape earlier in life. My journey with my therapist has been a lot of hard work but I am seeing the benefits.

    I have a few questions for everyone and would really appreciate feedback. So as vie posted before the OW is also married and was quite horrible to me, attacking me as if I were the OW. Her cupcake store is 1/4 mile from my house and I frequently see her. She has been driving by our house (not a thru street) my husband has seen her pass by as well, she has a picture of cupcakes she made for my husbands birthday on her website (his name is spelled very uniquely ) as well as being decorated with little tools,ladders,paint brushes as he is a contractor. I want my husband to contact her husband and tell him about her behavior and the website photo and ask him to put a “leash”on his wife. Is that crazy?? He said he would think about it and suggested we get some advice about it. I have to admit I am also very tempted to forward him the horrible email she sent me with all the details and how special my husband made her feel. I know vengeance is not mine but I want to do it soo badly!! I feel like she didn’t have any consequences from all of this, her husband knows very little about the infidelity yet she made sure she did everything she could to torment me and fracture my marriage. I am very conflicted as to what to do…is ignoring her drive by’s the best way to handle it or is calling her out on it?
    Do any of you see the OW at all let alone on a frequent basis and if so how do you handle it?
    Thanks for your time and I look forward to your responses. Judy if you’re reading this I hope you respond. My thoughts are with all of you.
    Susan

    1. Hello Susan,

      There was another lady that posted a similar question, but she was the other woman (sorry I can not find the exact comment!!). Anyways she wrote on the site looking for honest advice and I think she was sincere. She found out her ‘boyfriend’ who she thought was single was married and had a child on the way, she was pretty devastated and shocked because she did not know he was even married. When she found out, she broke up with him, but now she has this quilt and wanted to know if she should tell the wife, especially since she is with child. I was having a really hard time responded, I put alot of thought into it and stated it depended on many factors. It’s such a tough spot. In my response, I wrote a great deal about intent, I think intent is really powerful. I told her if her intent is really to inform the wife so that she can be informed so that she has the knowledge, that is much different from telling her to get back at the husband. So I will say the same to you, me personally I am big on intent and why you do what we do. It is just my humble perspective, but really think about why you want to do this, and if you personally feel good about the reason, that is all that matters. If your intent is to inform the husband of what type of person his wife so that he is equipped and empowered with the same knowledge as you, then that feels much better than doing it to get back at her. Also if your intent is to inform the husband so that he can talk/persuade her to leave you and your family alone, that feels like a good reason. Because to be honest, we don’t know how she will react to this, but if your intentions are good, then no matter how she responds, you can rest better knowing that you had good intentions with what you did. So really ponder why and the intent. Another thing that I told the other woman was think about if you would be ok with exposing the cheating, regardless of how the other person reacts. Meaning if you told the husband and he calls you a liar, are you ok with that? If you are not, then I personally feel you might want to step back and explore how you feel about the situation. Because when you tell, you should be in a position to tell and let go of your version of what should happen.

      At the end of the day, you have to live with the decision and since I haven’t been in that exact situation, it’s hard for me to say so not sure if what I wrote is even helpful. **Oh and as far as the website from the OW, come on!! So rude in my opinion, I don’t like that at all, what a huge trigger for you to see that on her website, out of all the cakes, she had to choose that one of your husband’s job. Part of me wants to say, don’t have your husband call because you don’t want to open up any lines of communication. You might not be in a place to call her, at the same time, you might want to call and request that she remove it so that you know what type of person you are dealing with, if she is cordial and understands, you might want to tell her everyone knows about this except for your husband, I think it’s time that he knows, are you going to tell him. So that she tell him (again if she is nice about the website thing). I am just blabbing off different ideas for you to get your thoughts going,anyways, Take Care.

  78. Hi Jewels
    Thank you for your response. You have many valid and thought provoking points. My main motive and intent is for her to receive the message once and for all to stay out of our lives.having dealt with her before both face to face and via phone, email and texts I can say for certain that she will not be polite if I ask her to remove the picture of my husbands birthday cupcakes from her website. She truly is a very mean spirited person with no shame or remorse about the harm she inflicts on others.
    As far as we know her husband only knows that she and my husband had a too close emotional relationship and that she felt she wanted to leave him for my husband as she was in love. He doesn’t know about all the details she emailed me nor does he know of her coming to our house after D day and all her texts ect… So with that said my desire is to let him know and have my husband ask him to please help in getting it all to stop. She drives by at leadt once a week that we have seen, the cupcakes on her business website, the texts to him in April. Do I want some revenge? Well heck yeah in some ways but more of me just wants her to go away and I don’t think either one of us talking to her will be effective so that’s why I thought of my husband contacting hers. They do know each other as they were customers. We remodeled their home. YUK!!!
    I won’t forward the email to him because I agree that that would just be spiteful and I don’t want to be as horrible and cruel as she was to me.
    I will pray about what we should or shouldn’t do about contact.
    This woman is horrid she has so many Yelp reviews from customers stating how rude and nasty she is it’s unbelievable and she responds to their reviews with nasty snarky rebuttals so i know trying to reason with her is impossible.
    I appreciate your feedback. It is a tough spot to be in all the way around, seeing her so frequently is torture enough then realizing she is intentionally seeking to cause further harm just kerns those wounds open. I think of how awful she is and can’t help but say to myself, WOW he chased after that?? It’s quite the kick to the self esteem ya know?
    Realistically she is the one that has to live in her skin and she must be pretty miserable since she devotes a lot of her time and energy into being nasty to others. That’s a lot of consequences and karma right there.
    Man it’s hard to be spiritual while going thru all this! Thank you once again for all your insights and positivity. Your light shines bright and I am blessed to follow your tail lights 😉
    Susan

  79. Hi Susan & Jewels

    I have been pondering over your question and thought I see what responses you receive. Jewels, as ever, you are logical! Intent, aah yes, a great word and advice on intent brillo! I suppose we all have intent in these cases but like you say.. is it good or is it bad!!!! You know Susan, I guess it must be hard to deal with that situation as you also see the little demon on a regular basis! I on the other hand have not laid eyes on her at all – although I did meet her years ago! All I have is letters she sent by email and pictures! Sometimes I think the quiet from her is more infuriating that you seeing your witch! I wish I could rant and rave at her.. maybe it will make me feel better.. maybe not! I did send a few texts at one stage but no more. I guess I just keep thinking no matter what i say I still think they are in contact as why sooo quiet? Why isn’t she hounding us? After she waited to snag him after all those years, to then achieving her goal and then nothing??!!! I keep wanting to email or text and say how the stupid cow ruined my life.. I can’t say my marriage as it was partially ruined before and this is why it ended up in this pathetic situation! That is not me consenting what was done but I do understand that we were not all a bed of roses and I suppose he found comfort in being adored by someone else, enough so to take it to the next step! I get soooo mad in my head saying why did he not stop.. why did he not consider the consequences on the whole family as he had time to consider this before he crossed the line!!! Arrgghhh… bloody hell.. the frustration of it all!!! The frustration of not knowing what was said all this time between them, the frustration of not knowing what went on that one night! Every bloody day you wake up and the thoughts are there and you think they will go away but they don’t.. they’re always lurking around!! I still keep hoping my husband will do something randomly nice but I know that wont happen.. he’s just not that bothered. What annoys me most is why do I feel like I am the one trying everything to make it work when I didn’t do wrong?? oops sorry… i strayed from the point.. see .. this is what happens when i start writing.. i write for ever and ever and the mind just follows the fingers i think and not the other way round….. so.. back to the point.. i guess i would certainly want her husband to know.. would my intent be good.. hek no… mine would be pure evil… like why should i suffer this alone!!!!! But then again i suppose logic steps in and says 2 wrongs dont make a right.. but then again.. who cares!! ha ha… i think at the end of the day you have to go with what you feel is best for you and how will you feel after… I know there has been times I wanted to text Cruella in a rage and then after the logic sets in i am glad I didn’t but that doesn’t mean I forget it either as it keeps lurking in the background.. so will i text her again.. probably.. as I just feel I have to vent my anger and she deserves some of it as why did she get off sooo lightly.. but that’s my perspective on my situation… only you can decide on yours… I hope you find the right one either way… i leave you with that thought today while I get my lazy ass out of bed and head to town before the rain comes down!

  80. Susan, Jewels and Mitch — Wow — I can completely understand how you feel Susan. Since this OW seems like a potential lunatic, I might just try to ignore her and live my life in a good and positive way. She can’t handle that obviously. My situation was a bit different — when my D day happened, I immediately called the OW’s husband. I had read in the emails how she wanted to keep everything so secret and how she and my husband would mention both me and her husband in emails. I thought honesty was the best policy — so we could all make informed decisions — I wanted to talk to him to see if he knew anything as well. I thought that if I were him, I would want to know — I would be furious if I was the “last to know” and would feel like such a fool. Sometimes I think that because it’s always hidden, that it fuels the fire. No one ever thinks you will tell or put it out in the open. I didn’t give him a copy of the emails or anything – just what I read between the two of them. (And I don’t know if she was reassigned to a different company since March. She was supposed to leave where my husband works in April. I can’t even call her voicemail. It makes me sick.) Her husband actually thanked me and said it explained a few things. After that, we talked maybe twice – but that was it and we both dropped it. Not sure whatever happened to them. And I really don’t care. That’s between them to figure out. Maybe they were able to fix their marriage and not hurt their 9-year old son. I don’t know how men react to this type of thing. The OW in this emotional affair (with good-night kisses) — I never saw her. She is on facebook, but does not have a picture posted that I can see. It is heart-breaking. I continue to have triggers which are followed by blow-ups with my husband. Basically when things start to go well, I just can’t believe what I went through and don’t trust him. And just like Mitch, when I start to be/try to be really nice to him, I get mad at myself — why am I making this effort? I still feel so stuck at times. I think I’ve decided to stay for now — and then I think — but why — just to wait for the inevitable hurt that may happen again? Or do I let him continue to try to work on things? If I don’t stay — will I regret it if he actually does change and I’ve already let him go? I know I wasn’t perfect and we weren’t really communicating in our marriage. I know it’s no excuse — but from what I read it seems like they talked more than anything. Anyone see Desperate Housewives on Sunday night? Ugh.

  81. I have found out that my husband has cheated on me. I found out by checking his phone and seeing all the text. He seperated from me 2 yrs ago saying he need to figure out things and I found out that he was talking to another chick. He said he never did anything expect kiss her. I am so confused on what to do. I did tell him i wanted a divorce but i really do love him. I dont want to keep going threw this. I also have people saying that he is verbal abusive to me. I dont think he will ever get physical. Any help and what to do or read that will help me?

    1. Hello Melissa,

      It appears that this is his second time cheating. I think at this point, no need to read anything, I think you should spend some time alone and answer the question….what do I want out of this marriage. Your friends say he is emotionally abusive, but what do you say? Does his talk to you in a manner which is not loving and supportive. Not saying that this is you, but sometimes you can be in a situation so long that it becomes normal to you, even though it’s not. I know you love him, which is why you really should think about what you want out of the marriage, and if you are willing to accept what you currently have with your husband. Not what he might do or what he might say, but what you have right now. Because you are not going to get a man to change unless he wants to change within himself. Think about what you love about him, and think about when he makes you feel less than. If you take a step back and do some self-reflection, the answer should present itself to you. It will take some time and effort, but keep asking yourself the question what should I do that is in my best interest. Say it over and over and trust me in time you will find that answer. I hope this helps.

  82. Hi Ladies
    Mitch, Ella and Jewels thanks for responding. I have decided at this time to just let it ride as far as contacting her husband. He does know of the affair as when I caught them my husband called her husband and apologized to him for “crossing the line” while lying to me and then promptly called her and met up with her at his sisters house. I’m sure he doesn’t know about her emails, texts coming to our door or that she continues to drive by has texted my husband begging him to meet her, the pics on her website..blah blah. I am going to find out if we can do anything about the picture on the website. It says that all pictures are property of New York Cupcakes but my husband never agreed to them being posted. I know she does all these things just to get under my skin and she is being quite effective!! It is just really hard seeing her all the time and triggers so much pain and then anger and despair. I wish we could sell our house but that’s not feasible in this economy.
    Ella I don’t know how you deal with not knowing if they still work together. I am not that strong and would obsess on that daily!
    Last night was a rough one, I brought up thoughts I was having about what was going thru my husbands head when he was planning on divorcing me but acting as if nothing was different in our lives. He immediately got irritated and says he doesn’t remember. How do you not remember making plans to get divorced and marry another person and then walk in the door to your family as if it’s justs a regular day? That’s ridiculous in my mind.
    My husband says he wants to be married and says he’s so sorry yet gets angry when I say or show any feelings about the OW or my pain. He hasn’t done any of the work my therapist has asked of him has one excuse after the other, work, tired, overwhelmed etc…he will blow up like he did last night and then text me he’s sorry like he did this morning. A text of I’m sorry just doesn’t work for me. I need him to show he’s sorry by being compassionate and loving and walk thru these issues with me. Speaking in harsh irritated tones saying he doesn’t remember how he thought when we are talking about such a painful thing just feels like more cruelty. How is it that they get mad at us for being hurt by them??
    I am once again at the hopeless feeling stage and have no one but you ladies and my therapist to talk to about it. My friends say leave, my sister is burnt out on it all. I just have to find a way to keep fighting and get myself healthy and stable but at times it feels so daunting and that it will never end. I don’t even remember what it feels like to be happy.
    I’m just so tired of the back and forth with him. It was only a month ago that he finally admitted that yes he was planning on leaving despite the fact it was so obvious. Stopping paying our mortgage and other bills was a pretty good indication that he was no longer invested in our family. So he lies for row years and now says “ok I told the truth” so move on.. WTF??
    I think maybe I’m rambling and answering my own questions at the same time. He is a selfish ass huh?
    Well I hope today is a good day for all of you. Thanks for letting me ramble.
    Susan

    1. Hello Susan,

      As always good to hear from you. The choice you made about contacting her husband is the right one because you made it, and if you feel comfortable with it, that is all that matters. Now I have a question for you. I have read your story over the course of a year, and I know that you have dealt with so much concerning the affair. Your husband like most doesn’t probably grasp the extent to what the affair has done, and feels that you bringing it up is like putting it in his face when all you are trying to do is heal. Let me ask you, what do you feel you are holding onto concerning your husband. Meaning there is usually alot of work that goes into should I stay or should I leave? What is your reason behind should I stay? And it does not have to be about him, it could just be fear of being alone, money issues, or it could be love. So I am curious to know what do you feel is your reason for staying? What is your reason for going back and forth and putting forth the effort? Look forward to your response!

  83. My husband cheated via contacting exes on FB. The first time I caught him I read raunchy FB messages. The second time, after I had our second child, a different girl was texting. When I caught him for sure was when she sent him a pic of her vagina…that’s right…spread open, with the caption, “enjoy”. We have worked through a lot of it and talked it out to nauseum but I can’t stop thinking about it. I know I sound like a cliche, but he really has straightened up since I threatened divorce. I try to search the ppl on the internet, for whatever good that would do. I just wish I could get over it or learn to live with it! I feel like I am obsessed. I’m embarrassed, ashamed and depressed. Ugh! I wish this never happened!!!

    1. Hello Beck,

      I just read some of the responses from your comment and you are in the right place with ladies that are so supportive. Yes Facebook can be used to cheat, it’s actually one of my most popular posts Facebook Cheating.

      Who does that, my friends don’t send pics of their vagina, so it’s interesting that I hear stories of people sending pics like that all the time. I don’t think I would ever feel comfortable doing something that like. Anyways, I digress. Your husband has a part to play in helping you not to obsess. What has he done to calm that image. Has he stopped using facebook, give you access. If he doesn’t do anything to help rebuild trust then you will have a tough time getting those thoughts out of your head, which by the way is one of the most difficult parts of recovery – those darn thoughts that keep us obsessed. You also should break down obsessed. Are you obsessed that he might still be cheating, obsessed with keeping track of him, obsessed by people finding out or all 3? Each obsession has it’s over recovery journey which is why recovery from an affair is very difficult, but can be done! I wish the best for you!

  84. Hi Becks.. welcome to the club.. not the club we all wanted to join but there you go.. sometimes you have no choice! Sooo.. you feel obsessed, embarrassed, ashamed, depressed.. well my dear… you are sooo not alone and guess what… we get to feel this every day because of stupid mistakes made by stupid men! I saw pictures too, just not as let’s say personal as yours…but like you all i keep saying in Ugh!!!!!! I wish this never happened! I am sorry you have that lovely image in your head – that’s just bloody awful! I have crap days and ok days – never really a full good day and each argument is 5 steps forward – 10 backwards… he keeps saying you keep brining her up in an argument – duh – like what else am i supposed to do as is she not the reason for all arguments now???!!!!!! Stupid idiots! I thought because we stayed together and i suddenly had this whole new feeling of starting over again, like you just met this guy and you have the chemistry back etc, but you know what, i am the one making all the effort, keep thinking he may just do something nice for me.. like i draw a heart on his lunch wrapper saying i love you… but he does nothing like that for me! I think sometimes if i walk in the door there will be a pressie on the floor.. by that i mean something small and stupid..not a reaaal present… but there never is… at other times i think when i come home he may grab me when i walk in the door and kiss me to death.. like he can;t get enough of me.. coz that’s what i feel like doing yet i hold back as he doesn’t seem to feel the same which brings back the reality.. he loves me.. isn’t in love with me! I put myself in his shoes.. if i had an affair could i suddenly just forget the other guy – i doubt it especially when they had a relationship for a year before they even had sex!!!!Today is a real crap day again and i am just so fed up of them.. i really think i am having a breakdown..i want to leave – i want to stay – i just can’t make up my mind!!!!! Arrrghh.. but when i stay i keep expecting these amazing shows of emotion i expect him to be showing me and when he doesn’t, day after day, i get peed off until it all blows up again! I hate him, i love him but at this moment in time i hate him more than anything in the world!!!!!!! Sorry becks, this turned into ” about me ” instead of just saying welcome to be broken hearts/mad raging woman’s club!!!!! Don’t worry about your feelings… all of them are normal – as normal as being a cheated on wife is normal – you have us all here to listen to the same stuff written over and over again.. coz that’s all we can do for now to vent our anger and frustration!!!!!!!!!!

  85. Oh Beck — I feel your pain. FB is tough. Email is so much easier than face to face and I think people are so much more bold online because they can hide behind it. They would never mail a picture like you’re describing. How horrible — but that tells you the kind of person she is. Wow. And how stupid to put that out there. Wouldn’t you love to repost that one and “tag” her in it. Ugh. I hope you can find the same comfort here as I have. I am one month new to this site — but my D-Day was in March — and I’ve been online searching articles, reading everything I can and came across Jewel’s wonderful and safe place.
    My husband was having an “emotional affair” with a married co-worker — used the L word through texting and he also kissed her when he dropped her off at her car after work — but he was also doing inappropriate emails and meeting other women for drinks after work — at least twice that I know of. I heard 40 minutes of the flirtation from his phone being accidentally not hung up — that night ended with a kiss to another woman and some additional emails alluding that they should go out again (both drunk — and both married). This was going on at the same time as the “L word” one. So how can they do this? He is at a new counselor tonight trying to get some insight as to what triggers him to do these things. I just don’t know if I can risk my heart again. He’s phoned other women in the past, but I have no evidence of anything else so I can’t prove anything. He is doing the work to try to save it – complete open book with email, voicemail, phone — home early every night. Calls all the time and spends all of his free time with me. I’m just still so hurt. That is why we are all here. We are either stuck or trying to move on and our feelings don’t keep up with us. As Mitch says — you can take a few steps forward and then many more steps back. I just don’t know how long it takes to decide what direction we end up going. I keep wanting to rush it, but my body and mind and heart won’t let me. I am sorry we all have to go through this.

  86. Hi Ladies
    Beck I’m very sorry you had to see such a horrible picture and what that is doing to you. My husband sent her a pic of his you know what(she shared that in her email to me) and it kills me so I can only imagine how you’re feeling.
    Mitch you describe the roller coaster so well and I can relate. I just do my best to hold onto the “good moments” and tell myself that will increase in duration and frequency someday.
    Ella it sounds like your husband is doing all the right things but I understand your fear of trusting him and believing him and letting yourself be vulnerable again. The conundrum is that we trusted them and believed in their commitment and they betrayed us. So for me I spin on the factnthat I did all that and look where it got me so how can I ever believe that what I see is really real? I flash on all the times he walked in the door like it was a regular day and had just left her. Her store is literally a four minute drive from our house so he didn’t have much time to change channels from Prince Charming into devoted husband but you sure wouldn’t have known it. I guess it’s good that our characters are outraged at their falseness and deception as I’m grateful I’m not built that way. I really don’t know how my husband looked me in the eye and gave me a kisss hello when 5 minutes before that he had kissed her goodbye.
    I was just organizing things in our office and came across a picture of my husband and his Uncle while we were visiting him in California. He had a Laguna Beach sweatshirt on that 2 months later he would walk in the door wreaking of perfume and covered in little sparkles and condescendingly ask me if I was smelling him!!! He’ll yeah I was smelling him because he reeked of her. The picture was dated three months to the day prior to D day. We spent our honeymoon in Laguna Beach it’s just so many triggers. I’m looking at that pic and wondering was he already wanting to leave? Was he in touch with her those days we were gone? He was working on her home at that time and constantly talking about her.. It was Lisa this and Lisa that and he knew it bothered me yet he kept that up . How sick is that he would talk about her too me telling me what a nice person and great customer she was!!! If I expressed my dislike of how much he talked about her he would get mad at me and tell me I was crazy, neurotic and petty.
    I’m sorry I’m rambling it’s just that that stupid picture has triggered so much pain. Everytime I start to get closer to him something pops up and I retreat into fear, pain and how can I ever trust him again. Thanks for being a part of this journey and my thoughts are with all of you.
    Susan

  87. Hi Guys

    Susan, I love the idea of reposting the picture and tagging her.. ha ha that would be hilarious.. pity it cant be done!! The other point Susan, the picture that triggers you off.. well you know what.. i think we all have pictures now and so much more to trigger us off. I had the emails and pictures she sent him.. i then found others of her in a pub where she went to see him.. he had saved somewhere on his pc – so that sent me on a wobbily.. and no matter how much he says he didn’t know they were there – how can you believe them? He saved them there didnt he?? duh??? At the moment i am just sick and tired of all these thoughts in my head.. i have to spoon feed him to say what i would think is a nice thing for him to do for me.. and he just doesn’t get it.. he has gone back to his normal ways,. no romance,.. no nothing.. when you thinking they would be doubling over to prove they are sorry.. and if i have to spoon feed him what’s the point? So I want him to stay but i don’t as i can’t go back to just what we had.. i do expect more.. i dont think i am being unreasonable expecting more.. and i am not talking about 24hours every day.. i am talking random acts here and there.. but hek no.. too much to ask for.. funny though how they can manage to be loving and romantic to someone else but not to you yet they say they do love you.. ha ha.. it’s sooo funny its just not funny! I am sooo frustrated with anger i want to smash everything and i am not like that. It;s more directed at his lack of actions now than the actual affair. AARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!! I just feel the time has come to move out and try move on as it is the worst bloody ground hog day – day after friggin day after friggin day – I am sick to death of it! You would think a man who does read Jewels book and the messages on this page would get it but noooo… robotic is what he is! How do you change the tin man?? No wizard of Ozz to help me cause if there was I could do with some courage to leave and stop being such a pathetic woesie!!!!

  88. Hi Jewels
    I have thought a lot about your questions and have gathered my thoughts in the hope of being able to clearly state them without writing a novel !
    In regards to holding off contacting her husband both my therapist and my husband and I tabled that idea for now. However if she continues coming around or texts him again we will either contact them or obtain a restraining order.

    My journey thru this infidelity has been very difficult as everyone elses but compounded by the death of my Mother, my recovery from my broken neck and having PTSD. Everyone initially displays PTSD symptoms after finding out their spouse has been unfaithful. (obsessive thoughts, triggers, flashbacks, highly emotional then despair). For me those haven’t subsided as much as others. Due to having PTSD that was reactivated by his betrayal and ongoing lies as well as her being a psycho have put my brain in an altered physiological state of still processing these things as if they are or just happening. So when I’m triggered the flood of pain that we all get doesn’t subside. I am learning ways to cope with this in therapy and doing EMDR treatment in order to rewire my brain to be able to put these things in perspective. With that said I have gone back & forth as to stay or leave for many reasons. My mental health status is so bad that I’m not able to work and support myself right now. That actually causes more depression and despair as the trauma he caused has taken one more thing from me and it’s a huge one. The loss of the Susan that was bright, energetic and able to take care of herself is overwhelming in and of itself.

    I believe I still do love my husband but I don’t trust or really respect him. He is and has made changes and does want to stay married. He can be very inconsistent with his attitudes about the recovery and building trust journey though and that creates enormous turmoil for me. For instance my therapist has met with him and I and clarified to him that due to his lying about things for so long it is only natural that I still have doubts and questions. She has stated to him that in order for us to heal he needs to answer those questions and be mindful that he is the one that created this issue and then made it so much worse by continuing to lie, deny and minimize. He will say he gets that and understands the PTSD and then flip back into his old way of thinking that this should all be behind us.
    So I go back and forth with feeling safe enough to heal and rebuild trust with him. I’m committed to doing this extremely painful work I’m doing in therapy and it’s really tough. I’m learning how early childhood abuse and then my rape & his betrayals are all tied together and the EMDR therapy is a long process of going back thru those issues in order to clear the misguided thoughts and emotions surrounding them and retrain my brain. We have cleared some past issues and are making progress but it’s a long journey.

    I don’t know if this has answered your questions or not, I hope it has and I hope that by sharing my journey I am able to help someone else.
    Warmly,
    Susan

    1. Thanks Susan for explaining, I understand better why you feel the way that you do. Being in the PTSD state all the time is no way to live, so I am glad you are doing the intensive work on yourself, I hope that you are able to get through the EMDR treatment with much success! I just want to say that your writing is helping alot of women and through all of the intensive work on yourself, don’t forget to do things that make you happy (outside of the marriage), that is key to feeling better.

  89. I never, as many other women are probably thinking or thought, thought myself that I would be on a site talking about MY husband yet, here I am looking for some way to cope, some way to get through this. My husbands cheating is very recent, within the last month, and was very brief, being after the second “episode” saying he felt extremely guilty and told the ow he made the biggest mistake of his life…. Now that being said she … she sent me a message on facebook. How I felt when I woke up and turned on my computer, logged onto facebook, and that what was in my inbox… reading, and immediately I thought, shes a lying B… so I called him at work and he, sounding very ashamed or caught, admitted it.. I give him credit for at least not lying to me, or denying it. So the first emotion I felt was… “hes done” I started throwing his crap into boxes and bags, whatever I could get. Sobbing… feeling sick to my stomach…. I called his mom, at the time, and I still do, felt she should know. Then I wrote some mean things on the internet..things I am not proud of and ended up deleting those things, feeling ashamed myself. I have two beautiful kids, and before he came home from work, sent them to stay the night at my mothers, just so they wouldnt hear or know, and I could be free to scream, yell, or do whatever was to be done… He couldnt really give me a good explanation besides calling himself a moron, and some other names as to why he did it…, (he told her his marriage was lacking in the sex dept. and I didnt perform special things in the bedroom, and how I yelled alot,) said he was sorry a million times, he took my verbal beating, answered any question, and I mean ANY, that I asked. I told him he didnt have to leave the house, but he had to leave the bedroom, his new sleeping are was and is to remain the bedroom. I told him he did everything possible to make the situation worse… he had sex in our family van, he used no protection, he performed oral sex on her, and night he broke it off with her, we had just had a wonderful family dinner and movie night… what a way to end the night! I found just 2 days ago, I told him I wanted to find out if this was worth working on, told him nothing would ever be the same, and the rules are gonna be my rules, and asked him… How did he think that he was going to manage to be celibate until I felt I could resume some sort of sex life, if ever. if he felt our sex life was lacking anything before, imagine what he set himself up for now.. and how could I trust that he would manage to not do it again. He says he wants to grow old with me, always thought of that when he thinks of our future together, how much he loves me. How he didnt want to throw a 10 year relationship, 7 years of marriage, and the life we have with our kids away. He said it made him feel good to be approached by a younger, thinner female and although he was the aggressor, so he told me, and started the flirting, she didnt hesitate to strip down and do the dirty. So here I sit, two days later, still sick to my stomach, I surely hope my appetite comes back, being I havent eaten since the last wonderful dinner we had out as a family and that was 3 days ago. My crying is less, everyday. But my biggest questions are… how do I let him back into my sex life, and will I ever feel whole again?

    1. Hello REC,

      That was such a heartfelt post of your emotions being so raw. Let me first say that you are in the devastation period, the period where you lose your appetite, where you don’t understand current life as we know it. You don’t trust your husband let alone yourself and you can’t seem to get out of your own pain. We have all been through this stage and feel for you. Notice I say we have all been through it, and you will as well.

      I found out my husband was still cheating in a similar manner, she contacted me on facebook because she got mad that he broke it off. Too bad he told me he broke it off 3 months prior.

      So here is what I will tell you, we all have a crazy things that we do when we first find out, I should write a post about it, we literally go crazy for a couple of hours and it is perfectly fine – out world it literally upside down and the rage I had that day was unlike any other.

      Concerning your husband, many husband are not as honest and forthcoming as yours. Many try to dodge questions, or even deny the situation until there is more proof. And many do not blame themselves. And I will tell you, a man taking full responsibility for his actions right after getting caught and being honest about what happened is such a positive indicator that things can work out. I begged my husband to do what your husband did easily.

      Now that doesn’t get him out of what he did. II am just sharing my perspective on the situation, whatever you do you will be able to come back and share. There are always 2 recoveries, one for the marriage and one for you. I want you to focus on your own recovery, spend some time alone to sort out your thoughts, take care of yourself and treat yourself. Think about going to therapy (maybe after another month) to sort out your feelings. Let your husband lead the marriage recovery. You can suggest, but let him do the action. He did this, if he is committed, he will take the lead and do what it takes. And as far as sex life, it depends on you, use protection and base it off how you feel, no one can give you that answer but you. Lastly, you will feel whole again if you make it a priority. It’s not going to happen in a month or two, you are in a phase now of deep pain, but once you get out of that phase, and focus on you and actively participate in your husband’s rebuilding of the marriage, things will work out. Biggest thing with marriage recovery is rebuilding trust, make sure your husband knows that. Good luck with recovery and let us know how things turn out.

  90. sorry to hear about the pain your husband has cause you! Just remember this is not your fault! Maybe your sex life wasn’t up to par of what he thought it should be. He made the decision to cheat and NOT hink of the conscientious. He was selfish and only thinging of himself. You do not have to let him in your bedroom until you feel like it. It took me 3 months to let mine back in the bedroom. But not until he showed my full remorse and took every effort to make me his prioity. If you do have sex, the first time is difficult, you either will have angry sex or disconnected sex. You may also change your mind that you don’t want to be with him anymore and want to divorce. You appetite will take a while to come back. I lost 45 pound and became very ill. With no strength I had panice attacks and sobbed all the time. The thought of seeing my husband made me sick. The only thing I could eat was 1 cup of yogart and a small can of V8 that was my food for the day and water. Make sure you take care of the kids it will be hard with no sleep and no food to keep you moving. But your inner strength will be there to push you through.

    Your husband needs to go to therapy with or without you to find out how he could do this to you and for you to heal too. If he doesn’t want to go to therapy then you need to go and voice your anger!!!!!!!!

    I told everyone I knew about my husbands affair his friends everyone. I was not going to be the only one hurt here. some of his friends stood by us others did not.

  91. Hi REC

    Welcome to the club! You, like all of us.. never thought we would be on this site writing about a cheating husband.. it happens to others.. not us.. but unfortunately not true.. it does happen to us.. has happened to us.. but unlike to movies we just don’t get over it in a few days, nor weeks, nor months! Whatever the reason they cheat.. it’s just plain and simply wrong!!! I think that if anyone is in the position where they will cheat.. then why not look at your marriage and walk away from it first.. however hurtful that may be to the partner.. its a bloody lot less hurtful that dealing with him being with someone else. What gets me is not just the fact that they have sex with someone else.. it’s the emotions that go with it.. the look you know they will have given her.. the look you used to get.. why can’t they talk about it before they go through with it?/ why why why??? arghh… sorry.. not being very positive here but you now know that we have no choice about how we feel anymore.. I am nearly 6 months into finding out and i have some ok days and then others where i just crumble.. i feel pathetic and miserable and depressed beyond depressed. i had a total meltdown last week.. broke things and all.. didnt help me as all i felt was more rage. I know they say go for therapy but i feel why does a third person have to tell him what i keep on telling him and why is he suddenly going to listed to that third person when he wont listen to me.?????? I have such frustration everyday.. why did he do it.. why why and why… the thoughts are in my head every single day.. i try not to bring in up every day but its a very hard burden to carry alone.. i am trying to believe he does love me and wants me yet his actions and sometimes lack of actions make me think otherwise.. i just cannot get over it! I am glad i read about Judy and realised it will take time.. i just wish it didn’t.. i wish i could make it all go away with the blink of an eye.. but noooo.. not gonna happen.. this is reality.. and it’s crap and hard and awful to deal with and no-one understands unless they have been through it! I haven’t been any help to you.. sorry.. i am venting again… but just know what you feel is normal and you can write to your hearts content on this site and we all understand! Good luck.. you will need it… and we’re here is you need us!

  92. My husband cheated on me and I feel like such a fool. The woman was someone at work. He told me about her, told me she was very nice. Told me what a good person she was. While he was cheating with her, he wanted me to think she was a good person. He told me something another person had done to her at work and I took up for her.
    He came to me and said someone had thought something was going on with them and he wanted to tell me that it wasn’t true. Said he didn’t want to hide anything from me, and was worried someone would tell me that lie to hurt him. All the while he was having an affair with her. Why would he tell me about her? I don’t understand that at all. I am sick, chronically sick. My medication makes me sleepy. He was texting her while I slept in the other room. All day on his one day off with me. He told me work was very busy and he couldn’t talk but I found he was texting her all day. He says it was only texting and talking, never physical. I don’t know what would be worse. This feels just as bad, I think. He would leave my home and begin texting her before he left the driveway. All day. He told me he hates to text. I can see all the times I was on the phone and she called and he chose her call over mine.
    Something bad happened at his work and I suggested he should call her and let her know, because it would upset her if she found out. I felt sorry for her. All the while she was trying to take my place.
    She met my child and offered to show how to get to a store they needed to find. I thought that was so nice.
    I called her the night I learned of this. She said this was something I needed to discuss with my husband. I found out he had shared details of our life that no one knows but us, and now HER. Now I find her on facebook. She wrote “how long do you wait to hear from someone before you realize they never cared”. She wrote ” I tell myself I won’t give in and then I see you and I do” She posts songs about love and missing someone. She sent a “friend” request to my child. My child accepted. She and I are both friends with another person on facebook. If I comment on something my friend says, SHE comments after me. She wants me to know she is there. Why?
    He never confessed, I found out from the cell phone bill. He sat there, staired straight ahead. Never said a word. He says he was selfish, when I ask what they talked about on all those hundreds of texts. He says he can’t remember. He remembers everything. But not that. I don’t believe him. Part of me wants to go and hurt him the way I hurt. Part of me wants to leave. I have flashes of lies. All the things I did “for him”. How I helped him do this to me. Why would he tell me what a wonderful person she was? He was telling me all about her while he was cheating on me. I don’t know if I will ever get over this.

    1. Hello Sandy,

      I am not sure if you saw what I just wrote to REC, but your husband is acting like many cheating husbands act, so let me try to shed some light on this. I think your husband was trying to make this situation ok for himself, so in a sneaking way was trying to make you ok with it, without you knowing. It’s horrible, but some cheating men do this. They want to make it ok for themselves so they justify it by telling you about this ‘nice person’. It’s totally tramatic when you find out, and I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

      Now typically, what happens is that the OW gets mad at your husband or someone finds out and threathens to tell. So sometimes the husband will tell you ‘hey someone might contact you its not true’ in order to beat whoever what planning to tell you first, my thought is someone was about to tell you, so to keep up with the lie, he told you another one – grr!!!

      The facebook thing – your child should unfriend her, you seeing her on facebook is painful, it’s not worth it, it causes more pain.

      YOU ARE NOT A FOOL – you trusted your husband, that’s all. I hope you are in a position to get some counseling. I would not focus on the marriage at this point, your husband cant even talk or admit it, focus on you, focus on your needs, and try to get some help from experiencing this. I wish you the best. – You are wonderful.

  93. Jewels,
    Thank you for the kind words. I just came here to see if I had gotten any feedback or suggestions as to how I get through all of this. I have been out of town, he said he had done some work on the computer so I decided to check the history. It had been deleted, he isn’t the techsavvyy kind so I guess he wasn’t aware that I could still access the history. I found that he had been on many websites that someone that is trying to rebuild trust should NEVER browse. I am heartbroken, again. Now I just feel numb. I don’t want to live a life where I have to learn to outsmart someone that is lying to me constantly. He says I can see his phone and email at anytime, I really don’t want to be that person. My entire body feels week, like at any moment I may collapse. I can’t cry this time, I think I am done. That makes me so sad. When I confronted him he says “so this is what you want, for us to separate?”. I find that incredible, NO this is not what I WANT. I was faithful, I was honest, I stood by him through years of ups and downs. I never chose this to happen to me, to my marriage. I feel like I stopped and the world is still going on around me.
    My child is no longer friends with the OW on FB. I was able to make that happen without having to share any details as to why it would be best they not be friends. If I do choose to stay I don’t want to ruin my husband and child’s relationship.
    I am not able to get counseling at this moment, can anyorecommendend anything for self help? Possibly a helpful book or maybe a personal Bible study I could use to help myself begin healing and find clarity so that I may make the right choices for me. I really can’t say what I will do right now. I do know that I don’t want to live a life that doesn’t feel safe to me. Waiting for the next storm is taking too much of a toll on me.
    Thank you for this place that we can come and share, I don’t have another soul in this world that I would be able to talk this over with.

  94. Thank you Jewel for your post.. I was actually thinking, perhaps after the talks I have had with my husband and how “honest” he has been with me, we could start healing our relationship somehow.. And then…. finding out there was more to the story… at first he said there had been a third time… before he had sexual intercourse with her where he had saw her walking and gave her a ride.. but before he did they parked and started ” talking” and they kissed and he “fondled” her… I was very upset at him to say the least at the fact that he had already lied to me… I had asked him at that time was there anything else? He said No that was it…. and now a week after I initially found out, I still ask him questions about different things, and he admitted that he had been masturbating alot during the last year or so… which.. I didnt know and didnt care so much that he was doing it, But I felt like this last year our sex life was sucky and nonexistant… ( not that I never tried ) come to find out he was prefering his own hand and porn sites and porn magazines to me. THAT HURT!!! Big time… Especially from the point of view the girls he looks at are skinny, young and white… and I am NOT any of those …But he has been telling me everyday lately how beautiful I am, and how much he loves me….And then he said to me… we have to talk later, I have to tell you everything… My heart started beating really hard.. Perhaps it stopped before it started beating really hard…. The kids are in bed when he sits in front of me and proceeds to tell me there were two episodes that he thought not telling me about with the same girl… Apparently a YEAR ago or so… yes a year, she had come to his job, which is a supermarket, to “talk” to him… he ended up taking her into a back room, and kissing and touching her… “her boobs” is what he told me…. then about six months after that… it happened again that way… except that time it was closer to his dept that he works… and so close to anyone finding him…Which happened about 3 months since the time he fondled her… and then the sex happened about 2 weeks after that… and then again about 3 weeks after that… Of course he says he feels soooo guilty for not telling me before, and I dont believe him… I think he was trying to NOT tell me,… thinking that what he had done wasnt cheating… Although he said at the time he knew it was wrong, but didnt count it as cheating, he knows now it is… And his first reaction to me being upset is…. Ill move out… I dont deserve to be here, I dont deserve your love… And I feel he doesnt deserve me either… Someone told me that I shouldnt be so hard on him.. that the time was so spread out… that it wasnt like he had been “doing her” for the last year… But my concern is what other lies is he not telling ME! Its hard for me to start treating myself good, I dont know where to start. But here I sit… Wondering what the heck was he thinking… He didnt care if anyone saw him at his job. He didnt care if he lost his job, He didnt care if someone saw him and told me.. Thats what I figure… He said that part made it more “exciting” to him… But instead of taking HER back there, he should have taken ME… instead of masturbating alone, he said he should have asked me to be more involved… He said he thinks he has an addiction to masturbating… which Whatever in my book… but when it affects OUR life then I do have a problem with it. Im not sure what to do now…I felt that as long as he called me before he left for work, I would be ok.. Now I will THINK all day long when he is gone… wondering if she showed up, wondering if he will do the same with someone else… He promises that he will NEVER do this to me again…. that he hates himself and that he is disgusted with himself… But I sit and wonder if those are just words….

  95. Hi Ladies
    Sandy
    I’m truly sorry to hear all that you’re going thru. I have had many similar experiences and hope my battle scars can shed some light for you. My husband spoke of her constantly it was “Lisa” this and Lisa that everyday for months. He was obsessed with her like she was a drug. He later admitted that he had been obsessed with the whole fantasy thing and how great she told him he was. He also said he talked about her so I wouldn’t be so suspicious!! If I expressed jealousy over it he would defend her as being a nice person and a good customer. He also admitted thatch kept me on tilt intentionally as a defense mechanism for himself again to back off my suspicions. It sounds like your husband is so entrenched in his lies and defense/denial/rationalization cycle he isn’t able to tell the truth. It’s like they are so far removed from the marriage the reality of what they’re doing isn’t registering. I agree with you I didn’t and still don’t want to have to be the Internet police or his Mama telling him right from wrong. My husband also did the “oh so you want out” crap. Again a way for them to shift the focus and responsibility onto us. You sound very rational in all your actions and commend you for that, I was not anywhere as calm as you are by a long stretch! As far as counseling I saw you asked about a Bible study, perhaps you could contact your church or a church with your beliefs and seek counseling there. It is at no charge. I found a counselor that does sliding scale fees so I can afford it. Another resource to check out are domestic violence agencies or any other womens support agencies in your county. Please keep reaching out and stay strong. A good book is “Not just Friends” by Shirley Glass Getting Past the Affair by Douglas Snyder. Jewels book and this site are the greatest for support to me.

    Rec
    Again I’m sorry you are going thru all that you are. My husband also did the cheating with a woman of complete opposite looks from me and 12 years younger. I’ve seen her and unfortunately still do, she is UGLY and 9 inches shorter than me and round and dumpy looking. As Jewels said in a much earlier post for them it’s somehow not about their looks as we all imagined. My husband had sex in our truck in our grocery store parking lot in broad daylight and said it was “exciting” he also carried on with her daily at her cupcake store right down the street for all the neighbors to see (hard to disguise a ford F250) they are idiots!! I also experienced the porn and crappy sex life it was about six yrs ago. I was devastated we married as Christians and HE brought up subject prior to our marriage that he felt porn was infidelity and he wouldn’t look at it. I completely relate to your sorrow and feelings of rejection. I tried to be spontaneous and sexual to my husband and was rejected and then to find out he jumps all over her still crushes me. It sounds like your husband has a lot of the same issues as mine. I think my husband has tremendous insecurities, high needs for approval, likes risk taking, fears of true intimacy and some forms of sex addiction. My husband has lied about things regarding the infidelity for almost 2 years and says that’s because he’s afraid I will leave if I find out this next thing. (I know why am I still here right?) I am in counseling working on my stuff and just might leave him when I’m healthier. He is making changes and seeing his patterns of fears of intimacy , objectifying women, deceptive false fronts as to whom he really is etc… I’m not a psychic but I’m pretty sure your husband has plenty more secrets and lies he’s holding on to. I told my husband to start at the beginning and end at the end and he agreed but skipped about 80% of it. She sent me an email with blow by blow details that was so horrific and he then slowly admitted over a yr period that all of it was true. I encourage you to have your husband clearly tell the OW in front of you via speaker phone or whatever level you are comfortable with that it is over, ask her to not come to his store and/or whatever else you need to have said or done. Back to the comparisons of them to us… We are women and human and it’s natural to compare but keep in mind she is a sleazy cheap woman with no that’s so willing to do such cheap acts. Actually they are quite pathetically sad that as women they allow themselves to be treated like street hookers. You have her hands down in the beauty, class and integrity and hold onto that. His and hers bad behaviors do not define your worthiness in anyway. (I keep telling myself that in the mirror) sorry so long I’m justcfired up about these #%^#men and the pain they cause.
    Susan

  96. Susan I so greatly appreciate your perspective and your input, and I am truly sorry that you are on this website too…. due to your cheating spouse. My husband NOW says that I am sexy, and beautiful… and he has been doing it not just by telling me.. I told him words from him mean nothing to me… so he shows me how much he loves me… But I wonder if guilt is what is driving him, how much longer will that guilt last, He thinks forever, he said he will never forgive himself for breaking my heart. He also has been going through the process of throwing away all of his porn… movies, magazines, books… And Hes promised (although I dont believe him) that he will not go looking on the internet.. But when I found out.. which was only a week and a half ago… SHE sent me a message on facebook, and had the nerve to ask how I was doing and that she was ok and then proceeded to say oh by the way I had an affair with your husband, it was only a couple of times, but I wanted you to know and then told me to have a good night… WOW!!! and I know through what my husband told me that he told her AFTER he had sex with her the 2nd time.. that he had made a HUGE mistake, he wanted his wife, and he wanted to never see her again. So… in turn she got mad and told me… she sent me the message a half an hour after he had been with her….. which i think is typical of women when they are in that kind of relationship and they get dumped. He told me he thought it was exciting because it was something new, and didnt care about if she enjoyed herself or not.. it was sex, and not even good sex ( But would he really admit it if fireworks were blaring?) She wrote alot of stuff to me ALOT of it he denied. ALOT of it I believe, even though he does deny.. I start counseling soon.. and will have to work this out one way or another… But as long as Im allowing him to stay, because I TRULY want to try and work out my marriage… My leash is tight around his neck, and one false move, Im done…. and I also told him that if she ends up pregnant, Im done… Just hope it doesnt come to that! 🙁

  97. My huband’s infedelity was one the worst days of my life. It felt like my world was spinning.Everything I knew to be was not..so confusing and utterly painful.It’s a pain I don’t wish on my wors enemy. People may be sympathetic or say get over it but unless you have experienced it you don’t know hw it feels. I couldn’t eat. If I forced myself to eat I would vomit. I was a mess. I cried nonstop. Never knew I could cry for so long. I lost 35 pounds in a month. I went to work but I was in a daze at times. It was the worst time in my life. At the time I did not think I could survive it. I cut myself for a bit because I couldn’t stand THAT pain and did not want to feel. I kept his infedelity from my parents. To this day they have no clue. They are elderly and I did not want to break their hearts or have them hate my husband since we were going to work it out. His family found out and were disgusted. They were on my side and were very supportive. He had ended the affair but she was still very persistent and would not leave him alone. As I type this I think well yeah , he should have tried harder…but it is as it is..Now he is accountable to me. He calls me when he’s getting off work or whatever. He’s doing what needs to be done so that I will trust him again. He is very loving and did show plenty of remorse when I found out. It was a very tough road. It’s been a year since finding out on Nov. 1 and it’s still hard at times. Not as painful.It’s true what they say ..give it time and the pain will diminish. I just wish I would be at the point where I would feel indifferent towards the other woman. I still have a lot of anger in my heart. I pray that God takes this away because I don’t want it.

    1. Thanks Sonia for sharing. Yes we all remember that stage, I could not believe I could be in so much pain from betrayal, and it was like I could not get out of my own pain. I am glad that your husband is doing what it takes to help heal the marriage. Every time he calls, every time he does an act that helps with trust, it is like putting a big investment in the marriage, and the couples that have both the husband and wife investing all have told me they are experiencing a deeper connection and happiness that they did not know existed within the marriage, I look forward to you sharing that story one day. As far as your anger, there are so many emotions that you go through after the affair, if anger is a problem for you. Just focus on how to let that go for the next two months. Think about why you feel anger. How is that anger impacting you. Why do you want to hold on to that anger? And what would happen if you released that and took that energy and re-purposed it? With me and the other woman, I had anger at first, but then I would get mad that I was spending so much of my precious thoughts being angry at her. She didn’t deserve my thoughts and I knew she wasn’t thinking about me, so I released it, I told myself everyday that I am only going to focus on thoughts that helped me be happy and purposeful. And eventually my positive thoughts won. Take Care!

  98. It is with a heavy heart I write this. I have been reading the updates here since my last post and am heartbroken that so many of us bear this burden and pain. I am a Penn State grad and have endured another horrific betrayal this week. I am so sad for the victims of this heinous event at my beloved PSU. I am sickened by the actions of those people I respected. I attended the student-run vigil on Friday night for the victims and I balled my eyes out. They had people who had gone through this type of abuse talk about it and how they felt. I balled for them (though what they are going through is the worst). But I also realized that we (me and all of you on this site) are all victims. People we loved and put all of our faith in did the unspeakable and betrayed us at so many levels. Nothing can compare to the sexual abuse the kids faced, but I was able to understand at some level what they must be enduring. Shame, the inability to tell someone on the outside, the hurt and pain that they and we will carry with us for a lifetime. My heart is broken for everyone. It will be a year in March for my D-Day — but I knew in February something wasn’t right. I’m dreading this upcoming “anniversary” — don’t even want to celebrate anything. Especially Valentine’s Day. My husband has shown more remorse than I can imagine. He says God made him “grow up”. Interesting as he is also a PSU grad — his entire family went there, his Dad taught there — so they are all feeling this horrific betrayal as well. We both cried on Friday and Saturday — for the entire situation — and he felt it too. He admitted that he feels horrible and can’t even imagine what I’m feeling. I think hearing other kids talk about it hit him as well. People who have never experienced it can’t really imagine. He is petrified I will leave him. He keeps saying that his “a” would have ended — and that it never would have led to sex. She was a sounding board for his problems. But they did use the L word. (I caught this one early — but she is married with a 9-year old son and was clearly looking for the upgrade — would say things like — we need to figure out a way to do an overnight, etc. — he never responded to that — but it was only a matter of time). Plus he was flirting with others. He claims it was due to stress of new job at work/stress at home with my stepson moving in with us, his Dad in a nursing home. We didn’t communicate and he felt completely overwhelmed with problems. I don’t think they really think about how devastating it can be when they do this stuff. They just want to feel better. Despite all of this, it’s still hard. I still feel different….like I’m living a lie/like I was second. People say — oh what a great couple you are. I want to throw up and tell everyone! But I don’t. Like Sonia, I can’t tell my parents as it would devastate them. I’m sick of the hypocrisy though. And so it goes. I exist each day still not knowing what exactly to do and ask God for the guidance to know what to do. Part of me wants to move on and get away from this negative force in my life. I want to be free and feel joy again. The other part wants to believe that someone can change and “wake up” and can make our marriage better. I’m beyond sorry for all victims of abuse. We are part of that kind of group now and need to stay strong. The actions of other people just CAN’T destroy us.

    1. Hello Ella,

      I am sorry to hear about the experience at Penn State. It’s seems like the vigil was very emotional and brought up emotions from both you and your husband that is still raw from the cheating. I hope the kids from the experience can heal, but you are right, not comparing the situation, but some of the same emotions are present.

      Ella with Sonia is seems like part of her is healing, but with you I don’t get the sense you have progressed far, despite your husband feeling remorseful and I want you to take a look at it, because it is important. Are you and your husband working on the marriage, or just existing in the marriage? There is a difference. Like a stated with Sonia, he should be making daily deposits that are bringing your closer together. Maybe it’s a call to say he is coming home late, leaving his cell phone out so you can check it anytime. At the same time, you should be going through exercises to bring you together. Counseling will do this, or you (really your husband) can go to amazon and read some books together that will contain exercises to build communication. Sometimes one party in the marriage feels that if we just act normal and feel sorry then things will get better, that is not the case, it takes a great deal of effort. A great deal of effort when you are already exhausted, which it tough. Just remember there are always two recoveries, the marriage and yourself. I think there is some work needed on just you as well to sift through emotions. It’s not easy, but it can be done. I wish you well!

  99. Ella, you are so right that we are victims too. I never really looked at it that way but now I see it. You said you can’t tell your parents, why? They were the first ones I ran too and then all my friends I needed the support! I even made him tell his parents because he was going to be living with them until I decided what I wanted to do. Your husband has to take responsibility for his actions to help you heel. I am glad that you were able to mourn for the victims of PENN State. I was angry that most students were more upset about the head coach than the childern who were hurt! Pain is Pain no matter how it is giving, it’s how we move on after that first cut or second! Thank you for your part at PENN State.

  100. Thank you Jewels and Lisa P. I am definitely stuck. My husband is extremely remorseful. Open book with his phone, email, comes home early from work, always calls and spends all of his free time with me. I just struggle with what happened and why. He just can’t explain it and so I can’t quite get at the root of it. He has “called” women behind my back before — caught this going on in 2005– two years after we were married. Part of the betrayal is not just the woman he said ILY to — but these women were still being called. He even met one for a drink before going to a hockey game with my stepson. So it’s more than just the one transgression. And they were all going on at the same time. I think that’s why I’m struggling. I think the PSU incident has really hit home. I’m basically still living with my “abuser.” So how do you fully love that person again. And does he really know what love is….. how do you turn the switch on and off like that. He said that’s how it happened — it just clicked. It was so traumatic and he really didn’t want to leave our marriage, but needed an escape from the pressure of everything. He is horrible at any sort of conflict and struggles with communication. This is getting better — and he is working at this. But he has vowed beyond anything that this will never and it can never happen again. He told his sister what he had done — on his own — to try to figure out why he would do something like this — and that it’s not how he was raised. So he has a lot of guilt now and wants to repair all of the damage done. But I think as Jewels said, that I’m not helping myself enough. Thanks everyone.

  101. Ella,
    I totally understand. My husband used the L word also. When he broke it up with the other woman she drove to my home and left three cards he had given her. He ended the letter with love. I was devastated. Reading that note in his handwriting broke my heart. He told me he didn’t mean it. Who knows if he meant it at that time. I read so much articles on infedelity and what they say is that men only love the way this woman makes him feel..not necessrily that he loves her. I admit my fault in our relationship deteriorating. I was so busy at work, working long hours, busy with the kids, house, probably nagging a bit, etc. We put our marriage last.Took each other for granted. I see how I contributed. I Dont take the blame for his immature actions however. He shoulld have had a heart to heart with me instead of doing what he did. But enough of he should have. What’s done is done and I had to accept it and let it go. It’s hard and painful. Even know I have to put a mental “stop” in my head when I have thoughts about him and the affair. Sometimes I wonder how could he love me and hurt me like this. But please understand people make mistakes. Noone is perfect. If he’s truly remorseful and and open book that is Great! What has helped my husband and I also is that we have dates at least twice a month. We get dressed up and go out. We also reneweded our marriage vows. We were never married by the church and it was something I really wanted. We got married a couple months ago and I think he did it to show me how sorry he was. Another thing that helped us is that he answered every question I had and he took it when I was angry and spiteful towards him. He hugged me and told me he loved me and how sorry he was. Think of the love and remorse that he feels. I know it’s hard but if you want to be really happy you need to let go and let God.

  102. Thank you Sonia for your words of courage and strength. How do you do it? Get past the pain and the bitterness? The triggers and the feeling of being “second”. I know I contributed to it as well. Our marriage hadn’t been “close” for awhile. I went to a funeral the other day and the wife said that her husband who passed away had always “been her protector” – – I am sad that I can’t say that. Or do you look at this as a bump in the long road? I think that is what I struggle with. How do I believe that he really wants to stay — or was the situation with the OW just too difficult to pursue and too much would be involved. She is married and has a 9-year old son. My husband would have to give up a lot financially and he wants to retire in a few years — early. I don’t know. Are you in counseling? Couples counseling? I like the date night idea. My H is a negative person by nature and I would love to have a date night — but he “feels fat” all the time. It’s sooo draining. And I get tired and a bit resentful always trying to build him up. So I think in our marriage when I couldn’t take that role anymore and insisted on him doing something other than complaining — he ran to someone who would build him up…..al beit false. And he must have fulfilled the same thing for her — who knows. I appreciate your suggestions and will implement them as soon as I can. I want to try to move on and be happy — but then, sometimes I question if that would be with him….. UGH.

  103. Ella,
    No we haven’t had counceling although I really believe we should. If not for him for me. Sometimes I do question if I did the right thing by staying. In the end my decision was based on love. Even though he hurt me immensely I still loved him. Believe me if he hadn’t shown regret and been the way he is know I don’t think I would have given it another try. It is very hard still Ella to get over it. I still get triggers not as strong but I still have them and when I get them I get angry. I wonder what he saw in her. I saw her profile on facebook. She is totally different from me , physically, mentally and emotionally. Physically because at my thinnest I was always curvy. She is bone thin. Mentally because she does not have a degree. Emotionally because you have to be pretty messed up to be someone’s seconds. Like you I think my husband was feeling insecure as well and was stressed. We had just had a baby a year ago when he started the affair. I had a very difficult pregnancy wth complete bedrest and it was tough financially on us. I also earned more than him at the time. This woman was a “damsel in distress” he probably felt needed. Never mind that I needed him to help me around the house, bills and kids. But no he took my needs as “nagging”. He is totally different know. He helps and thus I am not nagging.I told him I could not take another infedelity. I told him that if he were to do this again I would hate him. Sometimes I think part of me hates him …but when I really think I hate is what he did to me. I always had his back, helped him in everything. encouraged him to better himself, etc. and this is how he repaid me. I hate that he changed what I believed love to be. Like I told Jewels. I have a lot of anger towards the other woman and I am not a hateful kind of person. As far as date night with your hubby …how about taking an interest in one of his hobbies..whatever it is. Maybe he’ll appreciate your interest and thus do something that you like as well.

  104. Sonia,
    Reading what I was reading from you and your comment “We put our marriage last.Took each other for granted. I see how I contributed. I Dont take the blame for his immature actions however. He shoulld have had a heart to heart with me instead of doing what he did” REALLY hit home, Not only is that the EXACT thing I have been saying, But then as I continued to read, and you wrote your husband answers your questions, took it when you were angry, This is exactly what I am going through right now, Being that this is still a fresh thing in my mind, being less than a month that I found out… My husband doesnt feel like he deserves me, feels I can and should do better, but he doesnt want to leave me, and only will if I tell him to go. My husband also wants date nights, we actually had one last night,… AND My husband has never been more attentive in bed. He makes me feel beautiful, even if we are just laying, spooning.. which is something we havent done in years, We had been sleeping with our own blankets, now we share, In some odd way,in some ways this has brought my husband and I closer, Of course the trust issue is still not there, and I think it will be a long time before it will be, I WANT to trust him though, I WANT to believe he tells me the absolute truth about everything that is asked. My head and heart battle about what is and is not. He understands, and is patient with me. He is so very ashamed and angry at himself for allowing this to ever happen. I also know this was a HUGE ego booster at the time, having a younger girl telling him how sexy and cute he was, and How he could do so much better without me, and be with her.. He said he never told her he liked her more than a friend, and he said he never told her he would ever leave me for her and that if he ever left me, he wouldnt want to be with another woman. I blame her for being so easy, so willing to open her legs, for encouraging him. Apparently it started about a year ago, And there were several conversations that led up to 5 touching episodes….. ,when she would go to his job, and he would tell her how I yelled at him, how I didnt or did perform in bed, very very personal stuff, well, thats when the “episode” Happened, and he said he kissed her and felt her body, through clothing, and then that happened again after about 5 or 6 months. Then about 2 months ago, he saw her walking, so he offered her a ride, and they ended up fooling around, in our family van.. UGH! but it wasnt intercourse yet. The next two times happened within a month of that and both times he was running an errand for me, going to the store to get milk, or whatever.. and he ended up texting her, “Wanna meet?” And she JUMPED at that and they had unprotected sex. and after the 2nd time, he told her he was stupid, he made a huge mistake, he didnt want to ever see her again, its over… etc etc.. She hit him several times, Said he was a user, and then thats when she proceeded to tell me in a message on facebook. Now I kinda disagree with the user bit, IF he is telling me the truth about what I said before about his feelings towards her, She knew the situation, Knew he was married, I ask this, What did she hope to gain by doing him, by telling me? How can anyone feel good about being second, or knowing the only time you will see this person is when they have time for a quickie, late at night, or trying to be sneaky at his job, (Which still pisses me off BIG time because I think about him being at work ALL day long and the fact that he couldnt have cared if any of his coworkers would have seen what he was doing) He has told me if she ever shows up at his job, he will tell her to leave him alone, ME? I told him to tell her, I just wanted to thank you for telling my wife, Our marriage hasnt been better! But he wont, hes not a mean person by nature, nor spiteful. I just pray that my husband and I can make it through this, overcome this situation and love each other the rest of our lives together. He knows this situation will never be tolerated a 2nd time. And he says that if he WAS that stupid to allow something like this to happen, he wouldnt even want to try and ask for forgiveness, he would just leave, knowing how he made me feel by betraying me once was bad enough, He hates how he made me feel and is trying his best to make me feel loved and beautiful!.. So far he is doing a good job!

  105. REC, I too don’t know when trust will come. We have great sex and he tells me the things I want to hear. But is he just saying those things just to make me feel better or does he mean them? We too have been closer than before but I am still guarding my heart. I can’t go through that pain again! So I take it day by day and work slowly to a better marriage.

  106. REC
    I am glad your husband is trying to make ammends with you and helping you in trusting him again. That is the most difficult thing to do.Even know I am starting to trust my husband but when hes late to call me or something my gurad goes up and the little voice in my head tells me -hey don’t let him make a fool of you again. Hate that voice in my head! My husband’s affair lasted about a year and a half. The lenght of time was VERY traumatic to me. Of course, he says it was off and on. Apparently she would make demands for him to leave me and he wouldn’t so she would leave him..but not for long because she would always go back to look for him . ..of course my H would go along with it..: ( I found out when I saw a desperate text from the other woman asking him if he was ever going to see her again and wondering if he would care if she committed suicide! Whatever! I called the number and she tells me in an indignant manner “Well Sonia its about time you found out! Its been going on for over a year and a half!” I have never shaken so much as I did then. I confronted him and practically broke every dish in my kitchen. I was so angry! So angry at him and at this sorry excuse for a woman acting as if I was the other woman! This woman was a year older than me. I felt the same way as you. She knew he was married and still did not hesitate to pursue an affair.My husband was most at fault but she still lowered herself to be someones other woman. He even had another cell phone. I found it and saw the lenghty texts she would send him like 2o a day. His texts back to her were short and to the point. She also called him first and a couple times a day. She even texted him once how she had dreamed they were getting married and she had the perfect wedding ring for him! PSCHYO! Where was I and our two little girls in the picture! Pure fantasy! That is why when the affair person starts making demands on H well its time to wake up and realize how pathetic and stupid they were acting. They realize the grass WAS NOT greener somewhere else. It’s too bad they realize this after inflicting so much pain !This girl is an unwed mother who is obviously desperate for marriage.How pathetic! She was looking for a long term relationship with a married man. When my brother in law found out he told her off. After a while she texted him(brother in law) well are you married? Do you want to hang out? Women like her are desperate and messed up. Apparently my husband’s other woman was cheated on previously. I don’t believe that because if she knew how much it hurt why would she want to inflict this kind of pain to someone else. I hope karma comes back and bites her when she leasts expects it. Even as I type that I feel so guilty for wishing she would feel some pain. I think in the end she did feel pain because I honestly thought I would dump my husand after finding out. These women think its so easy. How can I as a wife let go of a 14 year old marriage like yesterday’s trash! Only someone who has not been married and doesn’t know how hard it is would think that! I am so glad your husband is making you feel beautiful and loved. Mine is also and I am happy for that but sometimes I think why did it have to take an affair for him to realize what a great person he married…

    1. Sonia, Ella, and REC,

      Hello Ladies!! It seems that all of you are on similar paths. I am so happy to hear all of you state that you see where you could of done better in the relationship. I have to write a post about this (I should be writing one this weekend after I get caught up responding to comments) because it is so important. None of you take blame for your husband cheating, but accept how you could of done things as a wife to make the marriage better. Your mindset is spot on sometimes people get the impression that I think the husband is totally at fault for the marriage breakdown and I do not believe that at all. I played a huge part in that, but I played no part in his decision to cheat.

      The other interesting comments was that most of you mentioned in some way your husband not feeling confident or needing to feel validated. Another important point. I feel that was a huge part of my husband cheating, he felt I rejected him, and I could not provide him the validation that he was used to getting from me physically and emotionally (I was pregnant). This leads to a bigger discussion on our men and their confidence. My theory is that if they were confident enough in themselves and how they feel about themselves then they would not feel the need to have to get validated in the arms of another woman. It all comes down to self-esteem, and it’s interesting that most of you sense that in your husbands.

      I commend all of you for fighting for your marriage, it is not easy at all. I know many of you are thinking, what if he is still cheating, how do I know if he still loves me, will this last. I really feel like the universe will show you if those things are true, in the meantime, focus on fighting for your marriage. When those thoughts creep into your head, fight back and tell yourself that I am fighting for my marriage unless the universe tells me otherwise. And honestly, if something happens where you find out things are not what they seem, how awesome is it that you can hold your head up high and say that you did your part, you fought for your marriage and did the best you can. And no matter what, make sure that you do not focus all of your efforts on the marriage, take a chunk of time and devote to you, one of the most important things I learned from this is the importance of filling your cup up first so that you can pour some into your marriage, family, ect. I never did that because I was focused on everything else, the house, the kids, marriage problems when at the end of the day, I woke up and realized I was runny on E for a long time, I had nothing to pour into the marriage :). I wish everyone well!!!

  107. Sonia,
    It all seems so ironic that our stories are so similar. My husband cheated for about a year and a half also, But in my situation, I dont know if I should feel better, or worse or just the same knowing it could have been more instead of the 5 times, He could have been with her once a week, once a month or daily, Whats also common is the fact that the OW was in a marriage, then divorced, before this happened and her husband had cheated on HER! And I say the same thing, How can any woman knowing what it felt like to be cheated on, Do that same thing to another human being? I have done a few things I am not proud of, I started a phony facebook page, and befriended her, I pretended to be a man, and started talking to her. Want to know what I found out?? SHE IS CRAZY!!! She had been with not ONLY my husband, BUT another married man, at the same time. WOW!!! She was telling this character I made up, about why she did it. Her story about my husband doesnt match my husbands, but I dont believe her, She made it seem like she was only my husbands friend, and then somehow mysteriously, she ended up in his car, and he took her to an isolated location, and began touching her, So she felt nervous and “let him” REALLY? My husband told me details, perhaps more details than I should have asked for, But in some disgusting way, I needed to know. He told me SHE picked the place where they parked. and SHE instigated some of the stuff that went on. BUT he also said If he hadnt texted her in the first place, the two sex sessions would have never happened. So, I am confused, I deleted the facebook account. So unhealthy for me. But I just think if this thing is so quick to start talking to me and telling me her business, there HAS to be something wrong with her, I think she has self esteem issues, and having a married man after her, or doing her made HER feel good. They were both selfish with their behavior.
    Lisa P.
    I too wonder if my husband is just giving me lip service, or if he is telling me things he truly means and should have been saying all these years, He knows there is a communication problem, mostly that is his fault. I have no problems talking. He says he knows now, that he should have been telling me his feelings, instead of this OW. My heart is guarded as well, and I just hope and pray that we can all move ahead and live our lives as we want.
    Jewels,
    This site is AMAZING on so many levels. I feel I can truly be honest with how I am feeling about the situation. I dont feel like I nor my husband will be judged here. I have a few outside influences, some asking me why am I staying, telling me I am stupid. And others making light of it, well it ONLY happened 5 times in the whole year and a half. and hes a man, they shouldnt be help accountable. Some say “well your a stronger woman than I am, If my man cheated, hed be out the door” Well, I once thought that, until it happened to me, and I realise how hard it is to just throw it all away. So, I say a BIG Thank you to ALL the woman who have shared their stories, and replied to my comments!!

    1. REC, Thanks for the kind words about the site. I appreciate it. A fake facebook account, I never would of thought to do that….and she fell for it, sharing all of these details with a stranger, that is pretty scary. I know you said you deleted it, which is probably good in the end, because I could see it getting very addictive (like those spyware programs).

      I wrote a post about the OW and my thoughts around their lack of self-esteem, not being able to get a full man, so they take a piece of ours (it’s on the most popular comments tab). Well, I wrote it because that is how I felt, I didn’t realize many of the OW would read this and get very offended. The comments started getting too negative so I shut the conversation down but reading some of the comments from the OW is really interesting. They were saying how they were helping to uphold the marriage and all this other stuff, saying they have great confidence, PHD’s, etc. But I still stand by my comment that many times the OW lacks self-esteem. Towards the end you talk about other people commenting about what you are doing. It’s so easy to comment when you are not in the situation yourself. We all say if our man cheats, he’s gone, but when it happens to you, it’s real life, and that is not black and white. Before this I was in an abusive relationship and I would hear the same thing, if a man ever hit me I would ect, ect…..yeah right, until a situation happens to you directly you really don’t know how you would react. So I really wouldn’t focus on some of the things you hear, many are coming from a place where life hasn’t really hit them like it has us, meaning when you go through major life events, wisdom kicks in and you are so much less prone to judge others. I can’t believe someone was like, it only happened 5 times, really?? Geez. I know men try to make light of it (probably because they have cheated themselves) saying men and men and they will do these things, but they just don’t know how much it impact us. Later!

      Sonia – Thanks to you as well. What is this thing with women (and men) sending pics of themselves through the phone?? I can see a porn star doing that but I would be super embarrassed to do such a thing, really. For a women to take a pic of her boobs and send it to a married man….what if it gets posted on fb or her kids see it, there are many naked pic stories on the site, since when did that become a cool thing to do? My husband also had the hidden phone thing – and I know you mentioned you felt like a fool. I guess the good thing about it is that our radars are pretty sharp now, so no more playing the fool with us anymore!

  108. REC,
    Wow! I was very tempted to create a fake facebook profile also. I didn’t go through with it though. Every once in a while I’ll look at her profile and we have a restaurant in common as friends. She came out on people you may know on my FB profile so I assume I came out on hers. Well my profile has a picture of my husband and I and in it I wrote that we renewed our marriage vows. I figured if she ever looks at it she will see what a fool she was and that she was just a bump in the road for our marriage. According to my husband he would see her twice a week in the begininning and later less. Who knows! The thing was that his days off were during the week when I was at work. So he was always home when I was home. He never stayed out late etc. Yes, I felt something was not right.He started hiding his phone and he NEVER used to do that. He also would wash and vacuumm his truck like twice a week. H e would lock the office door when he was on the computer and would clear the sceen when I would go in.Little clues that know when I looked up on the internet-How to know if he’s cheating- well my husband was textbook. Word for word that was what he was doing. I guess the only comfort that I get is that I had a feeling something was not right and at least now I know that I wasn’t going crazy.At least now I know that I can trust my instincts and God forbid this happens again I will know what to look for. She even sent him a topless picture of herself. I saw it on his phone. I asked him about it but he had others who his friends would send. The others looked like they were professional looking kind (porn) hers did not but I took his word. Stupid! I guess I consider myself an intelligent woman and I hated feeling like a total fool. I agree with you this site is AWESOME. I am so glad I can share my story, vent, or happy that my words can help someone else. I am not one to join a site but this one tugged at me because when I read Jewels story it sounded like me. I felt she understood. Thank you all! May God bless you and make us all stronger and confident women.

  109. Hi Sonia – Ella.. and all
    It was great to read your letter Sonia, like July, you are not new to this and it is good to know that as my time goes on and on and i still feel crazy – that it’s normal! yes, I know it sounds crazy to say it is good to hear your sad stories of pain – but you know what i mean !! I am 6 months into the discovery and every single day is a bloody battle! the voices in my head just don’t go! It’s like watching a silent movie and you put your own words into it!! I still also have so much anger and frustration and it doesn’t get better as time goes by, in fact i think it just gets worse! I blew up a few weeks ago and had a mental breakdown smashing a few things when i was alone.. but it didn’t make me feel any better! I think why it lingers is because I have no control over what happened. I see it over and over and over in my head – not that i know exactly what happened – which i think is part of the reason all these images don’t go because i keep trying to picture it all – and then when i picture it all i cannot stop that first move of the first kiss… never mind anything else! It’s like i want to go back in time and even to say let them kiss but then realise – what the hell am i doing -this isn’t right!!!! and then stop!! But it is not to be and you cannot change what has happened! I feel that as i didn’t throw him out the minute i found out makes him feel he has lost nothing and even though we are soo much better than we were before all this – it makes me wonder why it was sooo easy for him to just step back into the normal routine of our marriage. he just plods along every day like nothing has changed and i have a constant struggle of showing up at work smiling, be happy amongst friends and carry the burden yourself! I also wonder as one of you said – did he stay because it was easier – even though he says this is harder dealing with my emotions – which i do understand as i am a bit loo la – but i just don’t know how to let it go!! I text her and said i think she should have the decency to at least offer me an apology and when she rang me and we had a conversation for nearly half an hour – and in this time i also found out she said her ex husband had done the same to her many years ago so she knew how i felt – then made me more mad as like you said why would someone who has been through this inflict this kind of pain on another person? I can’t sleep properly at night – am totally restless – and my hubby says can i not just a take a day off and let my mind rest? I said because of his one stupid moment – although much more than a moment it was – i will never be able to have a day off in my head!! He thinks i think this up willingly – i don’t! who in their right mind would want these thoughts constantly in their head??? I guess at the end of the day.. we have improved in our relationship from what it had become prior to the affair.. but i still feel like i am the one who is acting like a needy child.. he does not go out of his comfort zone unless i am practically writing down what i think he should be doing for a man who is showing remorse! I guess the man i married is not very emotional and i am asking for too much but it makes me question his lack of spontaneous loving.. he also now says he is older so things aren’t the same yet somehow i don’t think that applied when he was with her. I also don’t think at intimate times he would change the subject and start talking about random other things rather than focusing on who you are kissing – so yet again – i just have these doubts even though he says he really is sorry! I believe him in one way and not another! As he is also a man who would never ever do something like this lightly – it makes me always think no matter what he tells me i know he was really into her and just because i found out does not mean he has forgotten her or wanted to forget her. He stayed as it was easier financially and logistically and even though he says this is not the reason how will i ever believe him? AAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!! All i can say is that it does make it a bit easier being able to vent here when you don’t have anyone else to talk to and i thank you for that Jewels. I know some of you say why dont you tell others – well – my family would be beyond devastated and i told one friend which i now wish i hadn’t as i always feel judged. Judged for staying as was not in my normal character to do so – judged if i say i am having a meltdown when i am looking for support and so on so i definitely do not want anyone else to know unless it got to the stage where we decided to finish. My husband also had not told anyone until i found out in my recent meltdown he had told his sister and mother – 2 people who i dont exactly get on with – but both did not agree with what he did however they still talk him like he did nothing wrong and i never had one word of support from them – not even to say they were sorry – if nothing else! One other point which i do think of is like you said about children going through abuse -well i was unfortunately one of them and i could never tell another soul when it happened! I only ever told my husband who urged me to tell someone but i would never do so as it would kill my mother! It is a terrible thing to happen and you just learn to live with it. The thoughts will always be in the back of your mind no matter how many years go by and it is also the reason people like me become the class clown because it is easy to mask your true feelings by always being the funny one! It really is true how so many people that commit suicide are the ones that shock people as they never thought they were depressed! It really is the happy people you have to sometimes have to look out for as we are not always what we seem! It does bring the question to mind that am i the type of person who seeks abuse? yes i know – it sounds stupid and pathetic but i often ask myself this now as why would i inflict this pain on myself as this time it is mental abuse and not physical but it is abuse at the end of the day and this time i am staying with my abuser but is it for the right reasons or because i am so pathetically weak?? I wish none of this ever happened just as i am sure you all do but there we go – it did – it can’t be changed and i just cannot see myself ever being able to get over this – i just can’t! It;s my 23rd anniversary next weekend and although i should be feeling somewhat happy – that we are happier together now – i just can’t as i will always be wondering is he thinking
    of her!

    1. Hello Mitch (and the other ladies as well)

      As far as family, it seems like you have been hurt by their response to this. I know this might sound really bad, but I personally would prepare in my head to hear some craziness from family members about it. I was super disappointed when I told his family and then the next few interactions they acted like nothing happened. At the same time, I thought about it and was like, what did I want them to do, yell at him in front of me, be mad for me? Anyways when I would bring it up or a family member would bring up the topic, I would say to myself ‘they are about to say some really ignorant crazy stuff, so I am going to listen, laugh in my head, and when the craziness comes out, I will inside my head tell myself how unintelligent and crazy they are for saying something like that, and try not to be around that person that much anymore. Or I would change the subject and eventually, they know you are not going to tolerate it anymore. Someone in his family told me, you know why did you guys even get married if you were just going to end it like this? Really, like I knew this was going to happen. I though that was so mean to say, but you know what, in my head, I told myself that this person is really really crazy, has no clue what they are talking about, and I can not associate too much with this type of person. I literally would deem them as mentally crazy. That is the only thing I could do to prevent me from taking that comment in my head for days and being angry. What also happens is sometimes you end up connecting with a family member, and when you go from deeming them crazy to having a connection, that is a great moment!

      As far as your feeling, what you just wrote is the feeling of so many women. It’s a process and remember this is a traumatic event, this is not your normal life event – this is seriously traumatic. There are a couple of stages, and the most popular stage that women get stuck in is the decision stage. It’s where you are trying to figure out if you should stay or leave. Trying to figure out if you can still be sane and stay married. Trying to figure out why you can not get these thoughts out of your head. I think it has something to do with your personal value system that has been ingrained in us since birth, things like ‘if he cheats, you leave or else you are weak’ or ‘a strong woman doesn’t put up with affairs’. In the movies people do not stay after they find out about cheating. Society and media puts this STRONG message out there that if you cheat and you stay, you are weak. That message is loud and clear everywhere. So mentally when you find out, you realize that you really don’t have the strong sense to pick up and leave for many reasons. But that ingrained message of if he cheats and you stay you are weak is pounding your head everyday and killing your self esteem. The problem is it is not true at all, you are not weak if you stay and work on your marriage. Not true at all. Nobody ever writes a movie about the in between stage where you are trying to decide if you should stay or leave the marriage after the affair. It’s the often time the longest stage in recovery and yet no one talks about it, thus making everyone in the stage feel alone.

      So here is what worked for me personally – I gave myself STRICT boundaries on what criteria needed to be met for me to stay or leave, and I held myself accountable to that. And after I set the boundaries, I LET GO of the decision to stay or leave the marriage. I let go of the outcome and let life determine the outcome. I let go of the need to check in and see if he was still talking to her. And I woke up one day and said why am I so worried and obsessed with the need to control the outcome, when at the end of the day, I do not have control of the outcome of my marriage (because you can not control your husband). So I released the need to control something I never really had control of in the first place. I set my boundaries, and let go of the outcome. (Ironically, when I did this the OW ended up contacting me all on her own, without me needing to search and think and worry). I did this during the beginning of my journey and I thought I was good, but I ended up going through another round of letting go later in my journey (that’s an entirely different story/lesson). But the key is once I let go of the need to control the outcome, and got clear on what I was going to accept and not accept in the marriage (and I made it clear to my husband), a ton of brick were lifted off of my shoulder. I hope this helps.

  110. Jewels, I wish I had just read your response to Mitch about 1/2 hour ago. My husband goes into work very early in the morning. So I called him at 6;45 and his line went to voicemail — meaning he was on the phone. My heart sank and I became a wreck. He called me back right away and even emailed me the number of the co-worker he was talking to if I wanted to check. (yeah right, was I supposed to call this guy and say — my husband had an A last March and I’m worried he’s talking to her, but he said he was talking to you and gave me your number to check). That’s what I wanted to say. So when my H called me back, I went right back into the whole thing again. Over and over, round and round. I know we all feel this rollercoaster. I feel horrible. I should have just “let it go” as you suggested. My counselor says the same thing. Just let it go and trust my gut. I knew it when it happened. But I have heightened insecurities and triggers so not sure how to combat them. I’m on the “staying” side of the fence so to speak — right now. I’m trying to make this work, but the feelings of mis-trust make me question my decision to stay. So, you are EXACTLY right when you say it’s the longest part of the recovery (if you can call it a recovery). I’m tired of feeling badly about myself and that he said I L Y to another woman and pursued her. I’m working out now and trying to take care of myself as you suggested. It’s just really hard. I feel tortured. If I had some other external validation, maybe I would feel even better….so I think I need to get out more. I did have a morning coffee with with a guy friend I used to (and still could) have a crush on. I felt so good about myself afterward. It was such great conversation and a spark was still there. So I see where that feeling comes from. You feel alive….but my conscience could never let me pursue anything. Maybe men are much weaker? With Thanksgiving coming up, I’m not sure how I’m going to react. I heard Christmas music on the radio yesterday and wanted to cry. Turned the station immediately. SO — I’m hoping everyone will be posting this week so we can all stick together and support one another. I know we are all really good people and deserve a good life. We will survive I know that deep down. I just want the pain to end once and for all. Thanks Jewels for this safe place. I will be saying my thanks and prayers for all of you on Thanksgiving.

  111. Jewels,
    Letting go of the control in the outcome of my relationship was and is the hardest thing to do. I realized that I was tired of checking up on him, constantly calling, texting him,driving by his work, etc. It was too draining on me emotionally always wondering what he was doing when he wasn’t with me. Finally, I realized I had to stop and let go. I had to trust. Which was laughable because of the immense pain he put me through but I realized I had to . ..for my sanity and well being. I could not imagine my marriage with me always suspicious of him. What kind of marriage would that be? Please whoever else is reading this ..it’s hard to do..even know a year later after D day it is hard. Its difficult to lay your heart on the line and hoping it wont be shattered into a million pieces again. I guess I have to trust that he made a mistake, is truly sorry and he loves me and our family. I have to trust that he won’t break my heart again. I have to because that is the only way I will know that I gave my marriage another try.
    Emma,
    I used to be like you. When he wouldn’t answer each and every time I called, it would send me into panic mode. I would call him until he answered or text him something about the affair. It’s gotten better and I hope that with time it will get better with you also. Every once in a while I will get anxious when he doesn’t return my call right away because the little voice in my head is there- but I guess I have to trust that he will not mess this up again.
    About the other woman…when I had just found out I wanted revenge. I wanted everyone she knew to know what kind of person she was. Her employer seems to be very religious based on the FB profile. I was so tempeted to message her. I thought of these evil schemes to get back at her..in the end I did none of those things. I believe what good or bad you do in this life will come back to you one way or another. Although I sometimes wonder what bad did I do to deserve this? I am not a mean person. Everyone that knows me thinks of me as a smart and kind. His family adores me and my family loves me. So who knows? I guess God knows what he’s doing. Honestly know that I look at it ,,if our marriage would have gone on the way it was .. I don’t know if we would be married much longer…it was a HUGE wakeup call..sorry for the rambling…hope you all have a happy thanksgiving. Even though its rough- count your blessings.

  112. Hello ladies I have been reading all your posts as they come in and am inspired by all your courage as well as amused by the fake facebook page!! That is pure genius but I’m glad you closed it as it seems that could bring more pain and negativity onto you. My goodness where do our husbands find these women?
    I am visiting my sister for the next two weeks. Yes I am not spending Thanksgiving with my husband. My children (adults) are going over to their Dads as it’s his birthday and I decided I really needed to spend this time away. I didn’t want to have the holiday with just my husband, I had this strong desire for peace and laughter and to not be around all the triggers etc. I told my husband my plans and while he wasn’t very happy about them he knew he wasn’t going to change my mind either . It wasn’t a fight we had a very calm discussion. I didn’t choose this out of spite or to be cruel to him. I chose to do this for me and that feels very empowering.
    I am going to tell my husband that I am ready to commit to truly working on our marriage vs. surviving the infidelity when I return home. I’m spending this time with my sister and friends to get support and love just for me being me.
    Jewels you know how long I’ve been in the limbo stage and can you believe it I’m finally taking a step!! I am going to share my heart with him and tell him I will commit to rebuilding our marriage and participate in learning about each other in order to connect and hopefully become not only friends again but better friends and partners than we ever were. I am afraid, I am terrified and I am also feeling a lifting of my spirit at the same time.
    I have learned so much about myself in the last year and a lot of my food for thought has come from you Jewels and all the other wonderful women on this site.
    As we all celebrate Thanksgiving here in the U.S. I hope all of you women in all other countries will join us and be mindful of the things we do have to be thankful for. I am thankful for each one of you and wish you some peace and happiness in your hearts this week. Happy Thanksgiving
    Susan

    1. Hello Ladies,
      HAPPY THANKSGIVING – I hope your day was filled with family, food, and no triggers!!

      Ella – It seems like you had a trigger event, we have all been there. And in letting go, this is the hardest part. When I tell you I had to fight my way out of it, I am serious. Just like a professional boxer, I had to train my mind daily with positive thoughts so that when I got in the ring with the trigger event, I had mentally prepared moves to fight back, and eventually, those positive mental punches worked.
      Sonia – You story on why you let go was similar to mine. My second round of letting go was letting go of the need to make him work on the marriage, and the need to make him understand how bad this hurt me. Boy I wanted him to do these two things so bad, I was so desperate for him to do what I wanted. But I became so weak and unhealthy in the process, I could not go on in that state anymore.
      Susan – So happy that you are making progress – that is a huge step. Making a decision to stay or leave the marriage is huge. This will be a very good stage for you because once you commit, amazing things happen to show you if you are going in the right direction. And like I said previously, if things work out (which I really hope they do), GREAT!!! If things don’t, then you are going to be able to leave with your head high knowing that you gave your marriage a serious and focused effort on surviving. With all of the mental thoughts of ‘should I stay or go’ out of your head, you are going to experience great clarity in this new part of your recovery. This is a big step from where you were before, and I am happy for you!!

  113. I have been married going on 9 years and the last 3 1/2 years have been HELL. My husband would leave for days at a time and I would not have any idea as to where he was at. I would ride around to bars and sometimes walk in and he would be there with his wedding band off. I would ask him why he was not wearing his ring and he would not comment. Women have told me about their affairs with my husbands and I would confront him and he would make up what ever lie he could to make me believe what he was saying was true. My husband has a major drinking problem and now that he knows he has been caught he blames the drinking. I feel as if I’m loosing my mind. I have moved out of our house and renting a house for now. He try’s to come over everyday and I hate seeing him everyday. I wish I could just be happy again. My children will not have anything to do with me because I still talk to my cheating husband. I feel as if I am trapped. I do not know what to do. My husband has done so much to me that I don’t know if I can forgive him. He thinks since I know of the affairs now that everything should be okay now. I would love to crawl in a hole and stay their for a while. He has a child from another marriage and this child was born for the express lane from HELL. He has been in and out of jail numerous times and will be getting out of jail in a couple of months. This 24 year old has called me names and told me to get my **** out and leave. His father would not say a word. I would tell him to get out of the house since he could not respect and he would not. He would put holes in the wall and I called 911 and they told me that if his dad said he could stay I could do nothing but let him stay. His father told me and the officer’s that blood was thicker than water. I could not believe that he said that. This is only a little of what my husband has done. My husband has not worked in 4 years due to a back injury. He has a lot of time on his hands. I work long hours everyday, while he does what ever he wants. This is a issue for me. I just wish I knew the future to know what to do.

    1. Hello Tina,

      Welcome to the site. It seems like your husband has drinking problems and cheating problems, he needs some serious help. And I know some may disagree, but you cannot carry your own life issues, and the weight of all your husband’s issues, it’s too much for one person. He has to get it together. I am assuming that you are renting a place to get away and think, are you able to tell him no you can’t come over or is he abusive (if he is, ignore what I am saying, abusive men are in a different category). I think you need some time to think and figure out what you want to do, but if he is there every day that would be hard. I think you know in your heart what you want to do but you have an intense fear, and you have to spend some time thinking about what that fear is. I am sorry that your kids do no talk to you because of him, I think they don’t want to see you disrespected or in pain and maybe they can’t take it. I hope that they get back involved with you, whether you stay or not. It is your kids lack of understand that causes them no to be involved with you at this time, not because they do not love you, I hope you know that. Take Care.

  114. Hi Guys

    Happy Thanksgiving to you all – bit late but better late than never! I hope you all got through your day as best as you could and Susan, I hope you enjoyed your time away – I think you did right by not spending it together! I hope your decision to make a go of things works out – I really do! I have been trying and trying and although we are getting along – there are always set backs! I think there always will be. I have great days and then crap days where I cry for no reason! Something small sets me off and that’s that – then i get mad at myself for loosing control! My H has been quite good through all of this as I know my “bipolar” moods have been trying on him – not that I am defending him but as we are supposed to be working on this together it seems stupid sometimes that I keep inflicting this pain on myself and both of us when i should be trying to keep control – but hey ho – there is no controlling these feelings and that’s that! I know sometimes when we do something I have to add in a snide remark and just can’t help myself but hopefully i will get to a stage where I will be able to control what comes out of my mouth!! I still just have so much anger of not having any control over what happened and why why why oh why did he not tell me he was thinking of going with someone else.. well.. obviously that would not happen – just in my head!! You all had your thanksgiving to get through and tomorrow I have my 23rd anniversary to get through! As much as I want it all to go well I just cant get her out of my head and does he really want to be with me or was it still the easier choice to stay – considering the oceans between them! Had I not found out would he have ever told me? Would he have left? Would he still be in the affair? Arrrgghhhh! How does anyone fix this? Jewels, your advice is great and hopefully i will get to where you are at as well as Susan. I have got to the stage where i don’t keep checking his calls or emails or FB yet your heart does still question it every now and then. I gave up because I just kept thinking he managed to hide this from me for so long so he is not that stupid that he wouldn’t open up another hotmail account. So you drive yourself demented thinking of how devious they can be or you just have to take a step back and say there is nothing you can do about it and hope that he is not!! How any of you other people deal with more than one affair I just don’t know – I can’t cope with one!!! We are both working tomorrow on our aniversary, me in the morning and he in the evening so we won’t even really see each other but we are going away for 2 days on Monday and Tuesday instead! I hope all will go well without me breaking down and maybe try make a fresh start ! I don’t have high hopes though but I am going to try be positive and make myself get through this!!
    Good luck girls!

    1. Hello Mitch,

      It takes time to sort out everything, be easy on yourself. You are going away on vacation, that is great. Sometimes when you are away from the environment there are less triggers and reminders. Try to have a vacation and relax, think of it as your little fantasy world for 2 days. I hope you have a great time, let us know!!

  115. Ella,
    I have to admit, I feel your anxiety and fears when you call your husband and he doesnt answer immediately. I too do this, knowing FULL well that my husband works in a place where he has customers, and is not always readily available, but because he chose to fool around with the ow there, the anxiety and fears shiver through my brain. I do stop by his job, on the pretense I wanted something to eat, or had to pick up something. But in the end it is really about popping in when he least expects it. I think my husband cared about this woman more than a “friend” as he described their relationship, and completely denies telling her ILY, so for that, if he is telling me more truth than not, I am thankful for. I hope the holidays are and will go smoothly for you.
    Sonia,
    how long after you found out did you realise you should release that control. I am a month into this, my H has been VERY good and understanding about following my rules. Rules that I imposed based on his actions, No going to the store by himself at night, Calling before he leaves work, No cell phone, for now, I think I am going to give in on this one! I dont have a worry at this point he will mess with her again, I worry if there will be another… After she told me she wished my children dead, I think he realised what a basket case he really was messing with..

    BUT My biggest problem is this… And I would appreciate ANY input from anyone on this…. Since I found out about the A, I also found out that when my husband and I started dating, he liked her as well, but being that she was younger, and he wasnt sure she liked him, he started dating me, He said he never found her pretty, but he liked her body..(which is key to my confusion) I found out within the last couple of days, that over the coarse of our marriage, he occasionaly saw her when she came into the store he works, he cant tell me how many times, but just said a few times a year, if that, when he saw her, he would give her a hug.. he also admitted, he liked the feel of her chest pressing against his, He also admitted it made him uncomfortable when she said one time, which was within the last two years, that his hug was so strong and made her feel good, but he didnt stop hugging her. I told him, he has pretty much cheated throughout our entire marriage, he says, it wasnt like that, he hugged her because she was his friend, he hugs no other friends mind you, And being that this is the thing that he ended up cheating with, makes it worse yet. And this also in my mind proves that there was MORE than friendship going on here! The more I hear, the more pieces go together, BUT there is SO much that doesnt fit, doesnt sound right, I question him daily, he has been pretty tolerant, and when he starts getting frustrated, I remind him, that ultimately HE is the one who put us in this situation by his actions. He calms down, apologises and he goes along with the Q&A session, until I am out of questions or am so frustrated that I cant even think anymore.

    Mitch,
    I hope your days away do you and your husband some good, and I too have snide remarks, As long as I say nothing in front of anyone else but him, I feel alls fair. I try not to be mean, and I hardly cry anymore when we talk about it, or when I say something not so nice. I just hope and pray I am getting answers that are truthful and not to please me. Good Luck throughout the holidays!

    1. Hello REC,

      I am sorry I wasn’t really sure of what your biggest problem is that you were looking for input on. It’s probably totally my fault I think I could not get past thinking about what the OW said about your children, after I read that I couldn’t really focus, what type of person would say such at thing….??

  116. REC,
    When I had just learned about the affair I felt like a spy. I would drive by my husbands work and sometiemes wait until he got out to see if she would go or if he would go see her. He would text me constantly throughout the day. I was a mess. It was hard for me to focus on anything but what he was doing when he wasn’t with me.I would look at his phone daily and at the web history. I was obsessed. I was like that for a good 3-4 months. It dimisnished somewhat after that. I stopped going to his work or expecting him to call or text constantly. Now he calls me when he leaves work and if he stops somewhere like his brothers he will call me from there or have his brother speak to me. He will also answer whenever I call and if he doesn’t cuz hes at work he’ll call me back within 30 minutes or so. To this day I haven’t totally let go but I am not as obsessive about it. I’ll look through his phone every once in a while. If I am in the area of his work I’ll glance by. But nothing like I was . He has been very patient with me. Everyonce in a while I get triggers and I snap or tell him about it. I have to because if I keep in inside I will just get angry. He’s been good to me so far. I’ve notived I am especially emotianal during my period. Also like I have explained to him I take things very personal . If he snaps or tells me not now when I want to be intimate..it hurts…it’s a work in progress…good luck …

  117. Jewels,
    The part I was hoping for input was this………………
    Since I found out about the A, I also found out that when my husband and I started dating, he liked her as well, but being that she was younger, and he wasnt sure she liked him, he started dating me, He said he never found her pretty, but he liked her body..(which is key to my confusion) I found out within the last couple of days, that over the coarse of our marriage, he occasionaly saw her when she came into the store he works, he cant tell me how many times, but just said a few times a year, if that, when he saw her, he would give her a hug.. he also admitted, he liked the feel of her chest pressing against his, He also admitted it made him uncomfortable when she said one time, which was within the last two years, that his hug was so strong and made her feel good, but he didnt stop hugging her. I told him, he has pretty much cheated throughout our entire marriage, he says, it wasnt like that, he hugged her because she was his friend, he hugs no other friends mind you, And being that this is the thing that he ended up cheating with, makes it worse yet. And this also in my mind proves that there was MORE than friendship going on here!

    What I am kinda wondering, does anyone else qualify this situation, the hugging over the years that I feel eventually led up to a sexual relationship, as cheating? My H denies one has anything to do with the other… I kinda wanted to know what others thought about it.
    And as far as what kind of person says something like that… One that has no problem sleeping with married men, then telling their wives, I think she is a mental case who needs help and has nothing else to do with her life, She doesnt work, lives with her parents. Being this is how her marriage ended, perhaps she feels the need to impose the same pain unto others… so sad and pathetic, really!

    1. Hello Rec,

      I think I got it, you are wanting some perspective on the relationship that led up to the affair. I think I would describe it as inappropriate. Marriage is a commitment. And with that comes certain things that not engaging with conversations with someone that you might of liked in the past. Once he proposed to you, he should of cut communication with her out of respect for the marriage. Inappropriate actions leads to affairs, so although he did not end up having sex with her until later, all of those interactions and touching prior was inappropriate, and let to the affair. It absolutely is related. There is someone in my past that I have a really good connection with. We lost contact and he tried to reach out while I was married, and even though the marriage was in a rough patch, I told him I was very happy and that things were great, only so that he would not ask me to meet up. I felt it would of been inappropriate because of the feelings I had for him in the past. Just my 2 cents!

  118. REC
    I wanted to respond to your request for feedback regarding your husbands behaviors with that thing. It is my personal belief system that any activity a person is doing behind their spouses back that they wouldn’t do in front of them is being unfaithful to some degree. If your husband was hugging her and enjoying the feel of her body against his and keeping some kind of a connection going all this time I say oh he’ll yes there’s more to the story. It might be that this was some ridiculous fantasy on his part and then it turned into an actual fantasy relationship. I see it as he was being unfaithful and deceptive throughout the time period you laid out. He was withholding information, not sharing a vulnerable situation he was putting himself in and was acting inappropriately with another woman. It seems a lot of affairs start out with flirting then sharing intimate things about their marriages and then it morphs into this fantasy “were such great people together” that is based on nothing real. I think you and your husband getting some counseling and really exploring this whole issue in great depth is vital. It sounds as if she has been in the picture in varying degrees since you two got together. It sounds like he truly wants to be with you and if you want to make a go of it I think getting to the core of this “fringe”thing that went into full blown infidelity is important. Trust your gut, your own intuition has told you that this issue is a big deal and as you said a lot of things just aren’t adding up. It is up to you and within your rights to state what you need to know and what you will do with that information. Please don’t doubt yourself. If this is an issue you feel the need to explore then by all means let your husband know that this is a part of your healing process and see if he will respect and honor that request. Jewels calls that seeing if your husband is going to drive the healing and recovery journey. I’m thinking of you and wish you the best.

    Mitch
    I truly hope your days away have been peaceful and that your wedding anniversary had some special meaning to you. I look forward to hearing from you.

    Jewels
    As always thanks for all you do. I’m still at my sisters. I started to get triggered and all freaked out earlier today so I turned off my phone and stayed present here with my sister rather than be on the phone with my husband. This doing things in a healthy way stuff is a pain in the butt!!! I’m not going to call him I’m committed to walking thru this fear on my own. Calling him and saying things for the millionth time isn’t going to take away my fear of trusting him, it takes away my ability to trust myself. HA!!! Am I getting somewhere?
    Be well ladies.

  119. Thank you Jewels and Susan for your input, This definitely puts a new spin on things, We start counseling tomorrow, I dont even know if I care anymore. I feel as our marriage has been compromised from the get go, and I dont need him in my life to move on, I know this. The only thing I think about are my children, and as ill advised as it is to stay together for them, that is why I am willing to try. If things dont work out, he states he doesnt want any other women.. He got nothing from this but a wrecked marriage, he says, In some ways I feel he has an up on me, He got to experience something different, And I feel, why shouldnt I? I should go out, look up an ex, and go wild. But in my heart, thats not the type of person I am. I was thinking about suggesting a roommate type of situation, so we can be in the same household and raise our children, and if either one of us started dating, which I cannot imagine myself doing at any point!, that we would seperate then… But I dont really think that is a good idea either. So I feel like his decision alone has impacted my life, destroyed what I thought of as something important, and I feel he has treated it like trash. How do you get 10 years of your life back. How do you start over. How do you move on….. I am so sad right now, saddest I have been since finding out, being that it just wasnt 2 months, or 2 years… but our entire relationship………

  120. Saw this and it is so true
    TRUST is like paper
    once it’s crumpled
    it can’t be perfect again
    You can flatten the paper and try to make it as straight as you want
    but it will never be perfect agai.
    Even know as much as I love my husband I HATE what he did to me. As much as i am healing I will be forever broken. ..Like REC said- If he can do it why can’t I. Yes , at times I felt, well he had fun.He experienced someone new. Why can’t I do the same? Yes, like Jewels said , an old friend contacted me after I got married..I stayed away. He totally shattered what I though love would be. I still do feel a bit of resentmet towards his lack of maturity. I hate that he went and had an affair instead of dealing with whatever was going on in a manner that would not hurt anyone. I stuck by him.Even at his worst. Sometimes, he was super critical towards me as if I couldn’t do anything right. I would take it. Thinking he’s so pressured at work! Whatever! It was his guilt eating him up and him trying to make me look bad to ease his conscious. I HATE what he did to me. To our family . I hate it. Yes , hes remorseful, sorry, etc. but he still did it and I HATE that I am the one that has to deal with it. I am the one that has to GET OVER it.. Its not easy even after a year later. If anything this has made me a stronger person .

  121. Oh and the only thing that stopped me from doing something foolish like have an affair on him is my belief that two wrongs don’t make a right. That Karma will come back and bite you when you least expect it and most importantly I don’t want to be THAT kind of woman. A woman that it like the “other woman” . It will only be hurting me much more than him.

  122. Sonia,
    I see what I have to look forward to…. Not that I mean that in an exciting way, but I am only a month into finding out, I also realise I have a loooooong journey ahead of me.. I also believe in Karma, I also know I wouldnt feel better about myself if I did the same, I HATE what my husband has done, he told me he never cared or thought about the consequences. I am learning so much in this process…. perhaps more than I care to but, I am learning more than anything that my husband is a very selfish person. I am not a person who hates… I feel that brings bad energy, bad karma to oneself, but I HATE her! and then I HATE him for making me feel that way about someone…. I want to scream, cry and throw up! And after reading your comment… I have a BAD feeling, I will feel this way a year from now.. I told him, If this is to work, HE will have to deal with my mood swings regarding this. He seems to accept that, but who knows how much one can take, it seems my nagging was an excuse that drew him from me to her, so whats going to stop him from it again.

    We start counseling tomorrow, I am not sure what I want out of this.. I dont know what I will get out of this, I just know I need it, for my own sanity. Wish me good luck!

  123. REC,
    I’m sorry I guess I didn’t explain myself correctly. Those feelings that I wrote about was what I felt in the initial months of finding out.I guess reading the posts from everyone makes me remember everything and somewhat gets me angry and sad . Our marriage is in a better place. Still I do have some resentment. Not as strong as those first months but its simmering down. I guess reading everyone’s posts brings back memories for me and makes me sad for all of us. Instead of crying now I get angy. I am sorry if i sounded negative. That was not my intention. I guess I was trying to explain what I felt in the initial months of finding out. I was angry and wanted revenge . All those thougths came to me and I hated what he did to me and us. Yes I won’t lie its a year and I haven’t forgotten. It may be easy to forgive but not so easy to forget. He has been nothing but sweet, patient and kind to me. Spoiling me and my every whim. I know he’s genuinely sorry. This site has been a blessing for me but it has also opened some wounds that were healing. I feel so sad for the women going through this and I guess I remember what I was going through especially at the beginning. Take care and Good luck!

  124. Hi girls,

    Sonia and Jewels.. thanks for words of encouragement and all your wise advice! Be great for us all if words alone could fix all this crap!!
    Well, the anniversary went as well as can be expected.. we got through it quietly, i didn’t cause any arguments, however, the whole time you try be normal yet the third party is always in your head. I walk down the road and have silent arguments in my head like a mental patient telling her to leave… stopping what transpired before it transpired…. telling yourself he stayed for a reason so he must love you but how did he forget her so quickly?????????? So all in all i was still there physically but not mentally! As Rec is now going for counselling I hope it helps her. When we ask ourselves what do we want out of it… do any of us really know? I think we all just want this horrific ordeal to have never happened but we cant change that! It did and now we have to deal with it. I ask myself if we were financially well off would i have left? I honestly don’t think so as I know i really do love him.. we all must do or who would put themselves through this!!! Like you say no-one can understand how this kills emotionally till you live through it. I know i would have been the first person on the sidelines to say dump the idiot – once a cheater always a cheater – but when you are thrown into the position it’s a different story. Am I just weak and scared to go out alone? I don’t think so because again you just wouldn’t put yourself through this mental torture for nothing! What i realised is there are three things in my head that just wont let up and it’s these..
    I have no control in stopping what happened before it happened.
    I do not know all the details which kills me as i keep picturing it all the time and imagining what did happen – so instead of him telling me like your husbands did i think that makes it soo much harder!
    Thirdly, i don’t think he understands the real torture this is causing me because it does not seem to have affected him emotionally at all. I feel he buried all of it in the sand – along with his feelings for her – so it leaves me with the feelings that no matter what he says to me he still loves/likes her – it didn’t just demolish his feelings once i found out so him denying it all the time makes me think he does still have feelings. IO know it sounds stupid when you are saying you want your husband to tell you he still has feelings or had them up to a while after you found out and he would never dare to admit it, the same with him telling you what happened.. but they don’t seem to understand that it is a relief of some kind – as sick as that sounds ! I dont know,.. all i know is i am sooo frustrated and wish the whispers in my head would just go – even for one day! He says will him leaving make it better but i know it won’t as it cant change what happened and this is what it’s all about! What next?? if he leaves will he go back to her eventually? That just kills me because why couldn’t he give me what he went looking for with her? Why can’t they have just told us – given an ultimatum? I know we said a million hurtful things to each other leading up to the affair but sometimes words are just words and we say awful things but underneath it all do we really mean it? We think so at the time but then something like this happens and you realise that by maybe just having worked on our relationship things could have been different but we never tried. I don’t just blame him.. i could have tried too and would have tried harder had i known someone else may be involved but i was never given that opportunity and that i think hurts more than anything else!

  125. Mitch,
    Let me say something… My H told me VERY intimate details about his affair. Details that perhaps I should have never asked for but, I did. I really honestly cannot say if these details have helped or hurt me. When my husband does something to me now, that he probably did before her, BUT did with her, I sometimes create a mental image… I think about HER when he is intimate with ME, because I know probably TOO many details from where, how many times, if she was shaved or not… because I asked. I feel disturbed that I needed to know. I feel sick and ashamed that I kept drilling him for answers. And he sat and in between crying and being frustrated, he answered. Now it has taken these last 4 weeks to finally get to a point where he admitted to me, that the questions that I keep asking, are bringing back something that he WANTS to wish away, wants to forget, and has learned from. Says he learned how much he really loved me, and how much could have changed if he would have communicated with me. But I say, we cannot change the past, and I cannot continue to focus on the negative of the situation, but perhaps start building on the positive. We DO love each other, we DO both want to work on our marriage, we DO want to raise our children together, and He knows, that any HINT of something happening again. I am DONE! I will NOT go through this again! I dont know how long ago you found out about your husband Mitch, but I know mine is still so very raw. I think my posts on here are much like the turmoil that is going through my brain, One minute I dont care if he leaves, the next I want to be with him the rest of my life, My brain is on a roller coaster ride that I never stood in line for. And I do feel lucky in the fact that, my husband knows what I am going through, and every time my brain goes through the spin cycle, he KNOWS that its his fault.
    The first session of counseling went pretty good, I didnt know what to expect being I had never been to counseling before. I have to admit, I didnt like some of the things this woman told me, and I have to admit, it made me think about some things too… So we shall see how this goes, I so appreciate everyone who takes time to read and respond. It truly does mean so much to me!

  126. Rec:

    Seems you are going well, I’m glad for you. Your husband is being responsible and I have to respect him for that. Hope everything goes well and your relationship become stronger.

  127. Hiya Girls

    Rec, thanks for the input. I understand what you are saying and I do believe I certainly do not want all the details and having to cope with all of them. I just want the basics. How it all started – the truth – how they ended up together and how long he stayed! More than that i doubt I could cope with! I am glad therapy helped and hope it continues to do so.. I think i should start talking to someone because lately the roller coaster is running at double speed and I don’t know why. I can’t believe how i cannot get these thoughts out my head – it’s driving me insane! I found out in May so one would think it would be easier now and yet every day I seem to have a new question in my head!! I think because after the initial discussion we haven’t really discussed this properly and that is why it keeps coming back because I| can’t ask the questions I want answered. i know if I start he gets upset at me lingering on the past – yet until I sort out the past I can’t look to the future! I do know he is trying and he is sorry but until my questions get answered I don’t think I can leave it. I hate always throwing in wise remarks and I try and stop myself yet at the same time I ask myself is this how it’s always going to be? Will I be able to let it go and not keep bringing it up as it does no good to anyone! If only it were easy! I feel stupid writing about the same thing over and over and doing the groundhog day in my head and if i could take a magic tablet to make it all better – I’d take the whole bottle! How am I ever going to believe him again – when he says he loves me it’s like – yup – easy words but does he really mean it! Will I ever believe it? Because after he saw how destroyed I was and all I/we went through he still contacted her a month after for her birthday! It just leaves the question in my mind that to know he caused so much pain – saw me literally crumble – said it was over but still thought it was ok to say happy birthday – surely knowing how i would react if i found out – but thought nothing of that and contacted her anyway! I could not have gone any lower than I was at that point in time and still that is what he did – so he thought it was nothing and just saying happy b’day – but if that is what he thought then really – do you do that to someone you love? I think this hurts me even more than finding out about the affair – and wondering when he gets bored with me again will he pick up with her again? Questions, questions and more questions!!! When I open my eyes my head is filled with them, when I sleep – I am restless – all i am doing is functioning! And Sonia… when you say it hurts when you get “rejected” with the not now… yup… I understand.. because it’s funny how they didn’t have that response to the new person yet one of the reasons he strayed was because of lack of sex – ha.. and now… now they get it on the silver platter and say no thanks.. yup.. great moral booster from the men in our lives that say they are sorry … but are they really??????????? Sorry – I think it’s time i change my name to doom and gloom!!!!!!!!! I leave it here before I depress any of you any more!! Nite nite!

    1. Hello Ladies,

      I hope everyone is doing well together, good conversation below, wanted to share my thoughts.

      Wanting to know – I think for me, I wanted to know for a couple of reasons. When I asked him about the situation, he would not tell me any details, and it hurt so bad because I felt like he was protecting her. I told him funny that she knows all this stuff about me, but you cant even tell me how the both of you met? I also felt like it was a trust think as well, in him not sharing, in my opinion he was still keeping secrets. Ironically, the OW ended up calling me and sharing the worst of the details, and I felt like if I would of know when, she couldn’t touch me. But just as REC said, I am not sure knowing all of the details would of helped with the triggers and thought in my head.

      Revenge Sex/Getting back – I know I talked about this briefly in the ebook. When you seek revenge, your goal is typically to inflict pain on another person. I wanted to inflict pain on my husband, I wanted him to hurt with the same amount of pain that I had, and it was so frustrating to see him go on with his day as if nothing happened. I did several things that I thought would upset him so that he could see what it felt like – and it didn’t work. I tried hard to make him hurt, it didn’t work. So my theory is that if I was to date or have sex with someone else, he would be mad, but it still wouldn’t give me that feeling that he understands my pain. And then I would end up with another set of mental drama to deal with, and I didn’t think I could handle any more issues in my life!

      Love my husband – In reading the latest updates, I see several comments mentioning loving your husband in context of staying together. Sonia your paper analogy is right, the paper (marriage) will never be the same. And that is good to know because many women try to put the paper back the way it was and 5 years later give up because they can not do it. What it does mean is that you are going to have to work with your husband to structure the marriage differently. Concerning the comment about loving your husbands, make sure you love yourself as well. For instance, REC, I had the same thing with my husband, if I find out anything else, I am done. Then I found out something else and I had to end it, but I loved my husband and I loved the thought of marriage, but I had to put the love of myself above those two things in this situation, and I don’t regret it at all. So make sure as you are thinking through things to remind yourself of your own love and keep that in mind throughout the day. Take Care!

  128. I’ve been gone for awhile and am getting all caught up. I do love Sonia’s paper analogy. Mitch — I’m STILL on the rollercoaster and my D-Day was in March. His started mid-January. I’m so afraid of what the next few months will bring. Anyone go through a 1-year “anniversary” yet? I know my H and I had a nice Valentine’s Day dinner. But the next night, he got a limo for him and her so she could get a ride to her car in style. She used a park and ride and took the bus into work. He also bought her a Prada change purse ($350) mind you. But she apparently returned it to him after he wrote her the letter ending it. She also gave him a card with (lipstick, etc.) I do NOT want to even acknowledge Valentine’s Day now — what do I do? Anyone with any experience here? I have to admit that when I was dating an old boyfriend, I did engage/flirt with other men. And I realized that my feelings for my old boyfriend weren’t really there anymore. So that is what scares me. Is that how my husband thought and still thinks? But now he stays because he does still love me (at some level) — just not that same passionate/new feeling? I think the OW was looking for the upgrade to leave her marriage. She was saying how great she was with her stepkids, how she really tried to cook, etc. How he was her soulmate and that their timing was off.
    I’m in agreement with Love my Husband and Jewels. If it happens again — I’m SOOO gone. I told him that he wouldn’t hear a word from me. It would be over. and I’m ok with that option. The more I think about it, I would be fine. Wondering what you all are hearing in counseling — REC — you didn’t like what you heard — ugh.
    We’ll see. He continues to grovel. But again, he was caught…..He didn’t choose to end it. Still so many questions. Would lvoe to hear from you. Thank you Jewels for this safe place to vent and ask questions.

  129. Let me start off by saying, Jewels, I absolutely have started putting my needs first, even before my kids if need be. I ALWAYS put myself on the back burner, no more, I do love myself, and I just stopped taking care of myself, which has like I stated started to change. Also, I wanted to address “not liking what I heard at counseling” to Ella, We have only had one appointment. And we have more scheduled, but that ONE appt really opened my eyes to ALOT!!! and its about MY behavior, things I have said, done, or not done over the coarse of my marriage that made me not like what I was hearing. Most of it was what was coming out of my mouth. My truths, reality! I also figured out that Being that I cannot change the past, My H and I need to start building on positive aspects of our marriage, We both love each other, We both want our marriage to work, We are both regretful about the actions that took place in our past. But I feel if I dont start accepting that I cannot change the past and build our marriage on the positives, I will be crazier than I am right now. I have to admit, talking to the counselor, after about 10 minutes of me talking, she asked me had I ever been to counseling before, I said no, but I felt she asked that because she thought me crazy too!!! I am not saying my journey will be an easy one, this mountain is going to take a long time to climb. But as long as I know he wants to climb it with ME and ME alone, I am willing to give what I have. I NEED this blog, just as much as I feel I need counseling, All of you women, no matter if we comment directly to each other or not, reading your stories, knowing I am not alone, are important to me. I am so thankful this is the site I found when I googled about affairs. Just want to say Thank you to each and every one of you!!!!!

  130. Ola girls… been bit quiet lately.. i guess we all have enough to think about without constantly writing it all down! Anyways, 7 days till Christmas.. good tidings we bring. so the jingle says.. ha ha… yea right! It just stirs up more mechanical mayhem in the brain…. does he really want to be here.. will he be thinking of her.. what did they get up to last Christmas when I was away.. and of course my brain already has answers to most of those questions.. whether fiction or not! What the hell….. why can’t there just be a little switch to off so the brain can have a rest????????????? I sound like a stuck record here but it really is the not knowing that kills me! Knowing he was sitting a few feet away messaging her on skype or whatever and what was being said.. when we were out walking he would constantly be on the phone texting… saying who knows what.. when we were away on our break he was constantly on the phone…. aaarrrggghhhhh… when wasn’t he not talking to her?? When did he start all the emails.. the phone calls??/ When did he call her Christmas day.. how long was he talking to her.. will he this Christmas. I just can’t believe he has forgotten her.. he is not like that which makes it worse. If he was an impulsive man i could nearly believe it that he would forget but he did not take on something like this lightly! Rec, I hope your counselling is working out for you and that you learn things about each other. there is never only one side to a story.. we are both to blame because if we remember it takes two… one does not go from happy bliss to misery alone.. we rub off each other.. good and bad.. and i guess now we have had more bad than good which leads to whatever downfall in our marriages.. it doesn’t give them the right to have an affair.. it just admits that we obviously both had downfalls..I guess the one thing we have learned from this is that I am not all to blame either which he would be quick to point out … but he has learnt some home truths about himself – whether he really believes them is another thing! My husband does not believe in sentimental emotional stuff so no matter how much I can tell him I know I was also difficult to live with.. it didn’t just happen by myself… he contributed a lot to my misery and bitchiness which could have been somewhat avoided if addressed properly. Oh well.. can’t turn back the clock … onwards and upwards but it’s like a dog with a collar and chain tied up and every time you get to the end of the chain the thoughts keep pulling me back!!!!!!! fekin thoughts…. why can’t they just go!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t know if we will all communicate before Christmas and if not then I wish you all as happy a Christmas as we can have considering our circumstances..and may we get through it with our minds still intact! To all of you out there, the not so recent members Judy and Susan and Jewels and the recent girls, Thanks for being there for the most of this horrible horrible year. I wish I could say next year will be better and I hope I can let it be by eventually letting go.. it’s just sooo difficult when you are not that kind of person who can just move on easily!!!! I hate all this woe is me crap.. I hate it when I am in a shop and tears start coming for no reason.. I hate feeling like a helpless loooney…. and I hate my husband thinking I am enjoying being this pathetic sad soul who is wallowing in my misery.. I just wish I could snap my fingers and pull myself together and put it behind me and stop acting like this pathetic victim.. yet that is how I feel.. like a victim… oh god.. now I am waffling on again!!! happy Christmas girls!

  131. Mitch, OMG you are just like the rest of us. It takes a long time for those feelings to settle down. But unfortunatley the never go away completely. I hated my husband for the longest time, I wished for death on him, and he was my husband someone I was suppose to love and I had all those feelings for years. I cried at work at home in the grocery store, driving down the road, you name it. What they did to us is unthinkable in our eyes that is why it hurts so bad! You did nothing wrong, this is not your fault he made the decision to cheat not you! Christmas is always hard for me too I know he thinks of her constantly and wishes her happy birthday which is next month. He know her childerns names and their birthdays too. They even probably have an Anniversary date. I felt and sometimes feel that knife just digging in my heart over, and over, and over and over again! Waiting for it to stop but it never does. It weakens through the years but we can not forget that is why it will always hurt. Your are a victim of his bad behavor not a victim of your feelings. This is how anyone should react when their world is turned upside down. Everyone feels at some point we did this to ourselves BUT NO! They did it too us! If we wanted out of the relationship we would have divorced them instead of cheat first. They just don’t have the balls to be men and get out of our relationships when the going gets rough. These men need to man up and move out and or take full responsibly for all their actions and be VERY Remorsfull! But life doesn’t happen that way does it. So we are left with our thoughts that keep us up all night long and drain our energy. We are barely alive crawling through the gravel that they left behind. I really think men just turn it off and stop thinking about it and say well that is over what else is there to do.
    !

  132. Hi LisaP
    Thanks soo much for your input! It’s good to know there are others out there who don’t heal in a couple of months… I wonder if ever! You are sooo right in saying it was his fault having the affair.. i know that is true but i am not oblivious to the contribution to the breakdown of our marriage. We were both to blame and we both should have tried harder to fix it… but no-one forced him to take the next step but himself! For that he is definitely the only one to blame. At the same time I ask myself if I never found out where would we be now?? I hated him… didn’t even like him yet at the same time i know i loved him but kept my distance because he has an issue with weight and once i had put it on i felt worse and worse being around him. Stupid me i know.. As it was and is a medical problem it is very hard to loose weight. In saying that I am not ginormous.. just a lot bigger than the skinny little girl i always was! Anyway, I am not good at reaching out and he knows that but at no time did he ever try to find out what was really wrong with us. Does it mean now i found out all will be a bed of roses? I doubt that. Unfortunately at the same time I hold grudges.! I am a very kind person.. very soft.. very helpful.. very well liked.. have great sense of humour.. all my colleagues and friends love me as I am always happy and make everyone laugh… (they would be mortified knowing what i am going through and hiding it so well) I will help anyone I can, I go the extra mile.. however.. if you cross me I find it very hard to forgive and never really get over it. This has not happened much in my life but to the very few people it has happened with… my husband knows only too well how I do not get over stuff like that easily so he had to know I would never be able to get over this.. so why did he do it? Why didn’t he just bloody leave? I just can’t get over the fact he contacted her a month later.. maybe before that as well.. i just don’t know.. it just happens I found that message… but this is what it all keeps coming back to and I just can’t let it go! I keep trying to move forward but it’s always in the back of my mind and keeps questioning if we weren’t oceans apart would he have stayed with her… i keep thinking yes…. he can keep saying no but i know him sooo well that I know deep down it’s not over for him… he will never admit it… he will just put it out his mind and get on with things as he is sensible and believes that’s what he has to do but in my heart I know different and it’s just killing me. How do i move forward without letting go of this? I feel like our “honeymoon” period has come to an end and I am drawing away again.. but at the same time i also feel it was me making all the attempts to be affectionate again…surely if he was really committed to me he would be making the moves.. and in saying that I just mean random hugs.. kisses.. wanting to kiss you with passion..not just a peck and a laugh.. there’s been nothing passionate about our relationship since the discovery.. it feels more like duty bound than anything else! Not exactly convincing me he wants me! You know.. i suppose the fact that he doesn’t even seem to feel ashamed about this is quite destroying as well! In saying all the above i can say he has been trying to be nicer… to sit with me, to hug me on the couch.. but it’s only because I am there.. he wouldn’t come look for me to do it! He is trying, i know he is but I just don’t think he is trying hard enough.. A lot of the things he does is only because i have to practically spell it out what is expected so when he does do something I just don’t feel it’s from his heart! Oh shite….. this is just crap – that’s all I can say!!!!!!!! Thanks for the input tho.. i really appreciate it! x

  133. Mitch, If he is not ashamed or truly remorseful then he isn’t. My husband broke down and cried and then hid in the bathroom like a little boy crying uncontrollably for over 1/2 hr. that is when I knew he got it! I cried uncontrollably for months & yrs before this. But he never did, I think that is what hurt the most. But remember my husand was an alcoholic and sex addict during this time. When it all blew up in 7/2011 he knew I ment bussiness and his ass was on the line. It took about 1 week of me saying I want a divorce, I wanted him to move out or just die! Death would have been so much easier, but I knew deep down some part of me still loved him. Even his best friend knew I did thats why I never divorced him before this last affair. It is ok if you do not want to stay married, you can ask him to leave! I asked mine to leave twice and he did. I went through so many emotions when he wasn’t around anymore but I also felt lost. He did come crawling back after 3months each time I kicked him out. I always took him back thinking he changed but hadn’t. If he is not willing to change and think and do things for himself then it won’t get any better. Since my husband has been in AA he has looked outside his selfishness and does so much more around the house now and thinks of others first.
    It sound like your husband is trying to be nicer but maybe you need to tell him he needs to do more or suggest he goes to therapy to fined out why he did this at all.

    You know my marriage wasn’t the greatest either but we were doing fine.(I thought) We weren’t having sex very often but I never would have thought he would have gone outside the marriage. Men tend to run from their problems than talk about it. I guess that is what they think is being a man, not talking about problems. Even now my husband states he has a hard time talking about things to me. But women have no problem at all. Just think of the holiday as a new start not a burden and you can get thru them.

    Mit

  134. Hi Ladies,
    I just wanted to stop in and wish everyone Happy Holidays, whatever it is you celebrate, Im hoping that everyone manages to get through this time as smoothly as possible. I myself am facing the biggest challenge.. going to my mothers house on Christmas Eve… She hasnt spoken a word to my husband since I shouted this out to the world… a decision that I have to live with yet regret with all my heart. I have a bigger problem dealing with her right now than my husband. My husband hasnt been perfect, I have had a few outbursts but I know he is trying.. He is remorseful. But where LisaP and Mitch were talking and stating they wonder if he thinks of her… I wonder the same, I also seem to be the initiator in the bedroom most of the time.. But he has started to initiate things a little more. He is so much more attentive in bed, and out. He holds my hand, comes and sits next to me and will rub my back or kiss me. I like that, that was missing before, the sweet romantic kinda stuff that I want in my marriage. There have been a few triggers that have me crying and being angry, which I feel I am allowed to have. Counseling is going well, unfortunately I do most of the talking, he sits and answers if spoken to, and cries. ( I like it when he cries over this btw, makes me feel he really is sorry) I have started to do more things for myself, I joined a gym, working out makes me feel good about myself, I have lost 25 lbs since the beginning of November, when I found out.. My goal is alot more at this point… my goal is to be smaller than when I met my husband so Im talking another 80lbs that I have to lose to be under that weight. He says my weight doesnt bother him, because he gained weight too since we have been married, but part of me feels it does. And I am not usually wrong when I feel something in my gut like that.
    Like LisaP said about her husband not communicating… neither does mine, and even now sometimes its like pulling teeth to get him to engage in a conversation that isnt about a TV show he likes or Sex. Drives me crazy… I tell him a conversation cannot be one sided.. but he doesnt get it or cannot get it I dont know which.
    Again I want to thank you all who have listened to me rant and have given me support and advice, and hope your holidays go smoothly.

  135. I just want to wish all the ladies on this site a Happy Christmas. Though you may feel it might not be a happy one, just think of the things you do have! Remember there are plenty of others you have nothing and are happy. We are women of many strengths, inner beauty and love. We can and will get through more than what our husbands have done to us. Look at this as a life lesson that we can and will overcome. Beleive in yourself! If you are not with your husbands this Christmas then find family and friends to lift your spirits. Don’t stay home alone thinking of the pain, instead try to make it a day to move on and better yourself over him.
    **** Merry Christmas*****

    1. Hello Everyone,

      Happy Holidays. I know it’s tough trying to be ‘Merry’ in all of the emotions, but use this time to be thankful what what you do have in your life.

      Mitch, you seem frustrated that you can not get the thoughts out of your head, which is only going to cause more emotions – and know that we all can relate to you in a very personal way. What made a difference for me was so many things, first writing those thoughts out helped. What are the different emotions, think about it, try to sort it out. Alone time, time to just relax and think about those thoughts. And letting go. Letting go of trying to control the emotions, trying to know what happened, trying to control the outcome of what is going to happen – because here is the secret – you do not have control anyway – so don’t fight it. You can ask yourself all the questions in the world about the other women – doesn’t mean you are ever going to find out. You can be mad about it, stressed about it, but at the end of the day, you still are not going to know everything. For me, I had to learn this lesson multiple times over the course of my recovery, and you might not be in a position to take it in right now, and that’s ok, even just reading it will at least get your mind warm to the concept of letting go – it’s the only way to emotional freedom.

      REC – You mentioned you think about if he is thinking of her – it’s tough. I literally went bonkers over this concerning sex. My husband stated the reason he cheated was because of sex. So I could not get out of my mind every time we had sex, I would think – is she thinking of her, did she do it better, am I pleasing him enough – it was absolutely insane and unfortunately I never dealt with it, and haven’t had sex since. Part of me wishes I would of worked on those thoughts more, but I was so angry at him I couldn’t do it. On a lighter note that is super cool you are working on a personal goal to lose weight. Interesting many of us lose weight from this (people were amazing at how after my child was born how quickly I lose weight, if only they knew)……but it’s seems like you are using the weight loss as a way to activate a positive change in your life, I love it!

  136. I found out my husband was having a long distance affair about 6 months ago. I am staying with him and he ended the relationship. Not sure if I believe that 100%, but I’m not sure how much of that is in my head because I feel like I need to be so aware and watch his every move or because it is the truth. I feel like I don’t know what reality is any more. I get extremely anxious every time he is out of my sight – in the bathroom, in a separate room, you name it – because I am sure as hell that he is texting her or communicating with her somehow. When he was in the affair he had a secret gmail account, IM messages and text messages with her. I mean, couldn’t he still be doing that now and I wouldn’t even know about it? I found out about all of these things because of my snooping. Now he is much wiser, isn’t he? I’m not sure if I’m coming or going any more. What you guys think? What should I do? Should I talk to him about this or just work it out in my head? FYI that he is the ‘get over it and move on and if we never talk about it again that’s ok with me because I feel like crap and if I feel like crap then I will potentially go out and find something to make me feel better’ kind of guys.

  137. Rec, Lisa P and Jewels and now AnnieD

    To all you ladies, thanks for the wise ol words of wisdom.. it’s funny and ironic at the same time as everything you are saying to me is what i would be saying to someone else. It’s funny how when you are in the situation you know the answers but I guess we just keep looking for a new answer! I think all of us are smart and no-where near stupid yet I find myself feeling like this pathetic little looser and keep asking myself the same questions over and over again. Yes Jewels, you are soo right.. I will never be able to control what happened.. I suppose that really is the worst of it. For me being a wise one I only wish I could kick myself up the ass and stop dwelling on things I cannot change. At the end of it all it is accepting what happened, accepting you can’t change it and try move on. That now moves me on to say Welcome to Annie D! Aaah Annie, your story is so like ours – obviously – hence you being on this site – and it brings me back to what i was saying about moving on… how can one when I like Annie, even months later.. think as he was smart enough to set up private email.. blackberry message… text…all in secret then is he not smart enough to still hide it now??? I am the same in the way of thinking when he is home alone is he ringing her? When he is at work is he texting her? We all know the delete button exists and leaves no trace so why believe them now? I do want to move forward but I just cannot forget! Is it because I don’t want to forget? I don’t know… I just know that I always think of what is said about a cheater.. once a cheat.. always a cheat… and because you know they were devious enough the first time round will always leave doubt in my mind. I know when we do have an argument and he says will it be better if he leaves.. will it make me feel better… i know the answer is no because whether he is here or not.. it will not change what happened and that will forever be in my head! So Annie,, where does that leave the likes of us? My husband is also not the emotional, sensitive type and if he was i think he would show more sincere affection. Because he is not also keeps me thinking am I his be all and end all…. and I think I know the answer to that one! How much longer though do I continue? I just don’t know. Let’s see what the new year brings. I hope you all got through your Christmas day ok – Jewels.. I hope it went well around your mom! Mine was fine, bit down in dumps as kept on edge with every sms message coming through but I am slowly getting over it today! Have a good one girls!

  138. AnnieD from USA, sorry you have to go through this pain. but remember you are not alone on the site we are here for you. It seems to me your husband is not at all remorsefull, sorry, or ashamed of his actions? if he is then maybe the affair is done but don’t be to sure. If you have account access to the cell phone account sign on and view usage under his number. It will show you which numbers he is texting and whom he is talking too. This way you can prove to yourself and him that the affair is over. If you don’t have access then try a computer programs that catches everything. I did this and it worked for me.

  139. Thanks Mitch, Lisa P & all. It helps that we are not alone and I truly appreciate all of the support! I’ve read and have been told that it takes years to get past infidelity in a marriage. I didn’t believe it, but here I am, 6 months later and I feel just as bad as I did when I found out, but in different ways (if that makes sense). Rather than feeling sick to my stomach all the time, now I just feel sad. Just sad. I think about it every single day. I know I need to move forward and not look back. I can’t change the past. Asking more questions isn’t going to help. Every day I ask myself if I should leave this marriage – I’m not sure if I can find another way around it. Lisa P – my husband is ashamed and remorseful. He has apologized. He has also said we need to move on. We do not talk about it – at all. Part of the reason is because he feels so horrible about it, talking about it makes him feel ever worse, and what good does that do? It probably wouldn’t even help me either. The more information I have the more triggers I feel. Words, phrases, songs, objects – all of the things that were mine in my heart that he took from me and stomped all over. I just want it to stop! I want to take that fear and get rid of it and be strong and confident and move on. I really do! Gosh, I’m rambling aren’t I? Thanks for listening, again. I really need this forum to get rid of some of these thoughts and feelings out of my head.

  140. Annie D – I am almost 10 months later and still feel the pain — it’s the sadness that you feel and still the anger that my marriage isn’t “perfect” like I had hoped it would be. It is the loss of the innocence that kills us. Glad that your husband is remorseful…but they can never know what they have done to us — deep down. When I listen to certain songs, I cringe. That is what is so hard — as you said — they rob us of our own feelings. How fair is that? I’m tired of asking questions now. Have the occasional meltdown but it is getting easier for now. But I DO think about it EVERY single day. It even haunts me in the shower where I try to have peace. I am working on me — getting into shape, etc…but I sometimes wonder why I do stay. I love my husband, but how can I love someone who has made me feel so miserable. That doesn’t make sense. We fall in love because of how that person makes us feel…..so why don’t I fall out of love. Or am I too proud? I think the OW is still with her husband (he knows). I hope she is miserable for the pain she has caused her family. So selfish a thought — but people need to understand the consequences of their decisions….maybe they won’t make the same one again. Who knows. We all will survive this together. I guess it’s not the worst thing in the world that can happen to us — but it sure feels painful enough to be.

  141. Ella,
    You explained what I feel so well. Its been one year and a month of me finding out, and like you I still think about it quite frequently. I rehash everything he told me, everything she told me and everything I told her. Some days are worse than others. Actully it usually gets worse around my period. I guess although I confronted her I feel like I didnt really get to tell her exactly what I thought of her. At least I know I handled her like a lady and did not stoop to her level…but at times I wish I had told her what a worthless, pathetic poor excuse for a woman she is. I still harbor a lot of bitterness towards her and like I stated previously,I dont get how a woman
    could do that to another. Although I am starting to trust my husband I still get triggers and I have to fight them before I snap at him, which sometimes its impossible to do. I guess I am resentful that he gets to carry on like nothing happened and I AM the one that has to deal with it. I hope what they say about karma is true and I hope that one day when she least expects it …she will feel the pain she caused. Even as I type this I cant help but feel bad that I am wishing this on someone else.

  142. Today I had an interesting conversation with my hairdressers. She is 62 and does mens hair as well as women. We talk about affairs and men all the time since she is my hair-therapist LOL and knows all about my situation. Well she told me she had one gentleman client that was getting more agitated when he saw her every month. She finally asked him whats up, his response, he had an affair and it was killing him with guilt and he wanted to tell his wife. Since my hairdress is no dummy she told him it will make you feel better but not your wife! He never thought about that, he was only thinking of himself! He thought he could tell her she would forgive him and life would continue as the norm. He never thought that she may want to divorce him. So she told him think first, are you doing this for youself or because you think she needs to know? He didn’t know the answer after that.
    Men only think of themselves when they are in the affair never the after effects of it. In the end I think he never told her if I remembered the story right.
    As a woman whom has been cheated on I prefer not to know, unless everyone else around me already knows, then tell me!
    What do yo think?

    1. LisaP,

      I just read your story, very interesting.

      Not sure if you know but there was one women on the site who wrote as the other women, she honestly did not know and when she found out, also found out that the wife was pregnant and asked me should she tell. It was probably one of the most difficult questions I have received on the site because I didn’t know how to answer and I knew that what I wrote might impact lives. At the end, I wrote something similar to your hairdresser about her intentions and if her intentions was to help her or hurt the wife, and letting that be her guide. Another women wrote about how horrible it was to find out at a time that was suppose to be so joyful. I think she ended up deciding to not say anything.

      Me personally, I would want to know, if I could choose the timing I don’t think I would of choose 2 weeks before my son was born. I think I would want to know because I have this pet peeve with lying. Also my situation might of been different because I felt like he was not treating me the same since the affair, I felt like he was putting me off to the side, and I did not like it. Now if we had an arrangement, meaning that we both talked and agreed on a don’t ask don’t tell policy, then that is totally different. But the lying and the blatant cheating I just have a hard time dealing with it. Yes the aftermath is nothing short of horrible emotionally. But I sometimes think what if I didn’t find out now, how long would this have gone on? Could he of transmitted a disease to me? My case might be different as well because not everyone knew, but some people knew. And it’s hard for me to make an decision of if I would want to know without blocking my own personal situation. Good question and food for thought!! Interesting in hearing others perspective.

  143. Ladies,
    As Albert Einstein said ” There is no mistake so painful that love cannot forgive, No past so bitter that love cannot accept and no love so little that we cannot start over with…..”

    When you question if you are weak for forgiving him remember this quote-
    I don’t forgive people because I’m weak I forgive them because I’m strong enough to understand people make mistakes.

    Take care!

  144. Ladies… all of you on this page, too many names for me to always remember as some are more frequent than others.. or maybe I have a touch of the ol alzheimers.. eh.. um.. i hope not… anyways.. firstly Sonia… uuggh.. too wise you are my dear! he he… it really is a fabulous quote.. if only we could apply it easily wouldn’t we all be happy chappies.. it’s like another I read recently.. why bury the hatchet if you are going to put marker on the site? I read this on a calendar and thought how true.. but once again.. it’s a great quote but I just can’t apply it, same applies to if you can’t forgive or forget- pick one! Hmmm… too many out there and I am sure we could probably make up a few ourselves! It sure if food for thought though so thanks Sonia. You say you hope karma comes around.. funny.. the woman who had the affair with my husband said her husband did the same to her.. so if she felt all this horrible crap shitty pain and head wrecking brain turmoil.. why would she inflict it on someone else? I hope her Karma is that after waiting all these years to snare my husband and she finally did..and I know she fell head over heels.. that now she no longer will be able to see him.. literally.. as not easy oceans apart.. knowing that we are trying to sort things out.. is her Karma and i hope like hell she suffers twice as much as I am!!!!!! I am not a vindictive person by nature but I don’t give a crap about how she feels and yes, I too hope somehow someday the same will apply to my husband because they do just carry on with little disruption. Perhaps it would have been different had we thrown them out and they would have realised what they lost and been a bit more remorseful in their emotions.. who knows! I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday as a friend of mine i met in the USA earlier this year died from Cancer. She has a very rare type of cancer.. the same as my sister.. only a handful of people have it and I tracked her down and we flew over to meet her. She was young and vibrant with two young kids and would have turned 34 today. It makes me sad thinking how quick she went downhill and I really did not expect her to die so soon. My next fear is the same is in store for my sister who will get her new scan results next week. (I was going through dealing with her cancer operations/treatments/flying back and forth to take her to them and continue with my work while my husband was having his long distance affair!) It just makes me more aware of how quick our time goes by and how much time we have wasted. I am not sure how old you all are but I am 44 and husband is 55. We are both very young at heart – but i keep thinking how old he really is (and I don’t mean that in an offensive way if any of you around the same age…) and how much longer do we have? When i think of this I think ” get over this bloody affair and try make the most of the next 20 years.”. as sure as shit the last 20 flew by in a jiffy. We really do wish our lives away and until your kids are grown up you just don’t realise how quick it went. I am more like my kids pal than their mother but sometimes I have a reality check and realise I am the mom.. fek.. I am old… bloody hell.. how did that happen as I am still 16 in my head!!!!???????? Anyway, sorry, waffled on there… after hearing about Rosie dying I had my meltdown.. thought about how short life is.. why can’t just get past this… why do I keep questioning everything…and of course that brought on a night of tears! I watched the movie Only You with Robert Downey Jnr and thought why can’t life be like the movies with the romance and happy endings? Its just not fair! Tonight my husband is in bed with Man Flu.. have I sympathy – hek no! I told him i am glad he is suffering all be it for a different reason.. and it will mean nothing to him at all… but I do get a weee bit of satisfaction from it!!!
    LisaP… i thought about what you said re: would you want to know. Hmmm…. i reckon after going through all this horrible crap every day for nearly 10 months and never getting one day off to not think about it.. i would say no.. i would prefer not to know.. however.. had I not found out where would we be now? My feelings have been like a complete 360 of what they were.. i really thought there wasn’t the slightest bit of hope for our marriage before and now look.. we’re not like a bed of roses but we certainly can talk to each other with a civil tongue, we can hug and kiss and laugh and i think that is what I missed most.. laughter. We’re nowhere near perfect but it sure as shit is 100 times better than we were. I don’t think we would be in this situation had I not found out. So my answer would be both yes and no as both of them have a very valid reason. Just like the forgive or forget quote… pick one… I can’t!

  145. Mitch —
    First — I’m sooo sorry for the loss of your friend and for what your sister is going through. I can’t imagine having that along with our other pain. So I hope you can take some time each day to help yourself relax. Stress is bad on the body and it shows over time ….. 🙁
    I struggle with the quote as well. I think I have forgiven, but can’t and won’t forget. My brain won’t let me — I think to protect me. What a way to live. It’s just when we start to have fun, the alarm goes off and says to hold off — you could get hurt — and then all the what ifs come back. The what if he is just doing this until I settle down and then he starts it again – -what if he thinks I’m fine and then he gets stressed again and starts it again. What if he just hasn’t learned to not give off any signals — I believe that is what he does. Subconsciously — he’s certainly not out telling people how happily married he is — or others wouldn’t be so open to him or vulnerable. Or maybe he is and they want that life. I think they all commiserate — unless that is their trick and he is more devious than I want to believe…sigh…..Anyway — I’m wondering if I will get true joy back. I know it won’t be the same type of joy — the naiive happiness is gone. It’s now a more mature, solemn state I suppose. And I guess as you write above, we should be thankful for our health and what we have right now. Here’s to a better New Year. I heard yesterday was Good riddance Day =- where we were to “get rid” of all the bad this past year. I would need a dump truck. Have a good day all.

  146. Yesterday was not good! It was the 1-year anniversary of me finding out about my husband’s affair with a girl 1/2 our age that he met at a club! A strip club!…yes, she worked there.
    We have spent the past year in counseling and trying to work on our marriage (with me doing most of the trying); I moved out to our RV for a couple of months…and of course things got better. I moved back after 2 months only to have some of the same “old issues” keep coming up — crap that we fought about even BEFORE his affair. But now, every argument comes back around to that — his affair.
    He showed very little remorse; he kept wanting to have his “nights out” just to have a beer; he skipped his individual counseling a couple times; and while I know he’s no longer seeing her or anyone else, he’s proven he cannot do what it takes to rebuild my trust! I’m just exhausted after 1 full year of this CRAP!
    I put a deposit down on an apartment that will become available next week. While I am a little excited about moving on, I am also scared to death! I never thought that just a few months before I turn 50 years old — I would be leaving my 25-year marriage and the home we’ve built together for 18 years…to end up in a 1-bedroom apartment, alone.
    But….anything has got to be better than this past year!!
    Wish me luck ~~
    Although I don’t post often, I do read and keep up with most of your stories. I absolutely HATE that our husbands have put us here!
    Best wishes and Happy New Year to you all! May it be a better one for you!

  147. Sandy-Sue,

    I am leaving my husband soon too. I haven’t decided weather or not I want this marriage anymore. I am leaving to sort out my head and to focus more on myself than this drama that he started. It gets frustrating at time when he’s the one that cause all of this problems and pain, yet he walks around like everything is all good. Or at least he try to make it seem like its all good.

    My husband like to sugar coat things. He knows that I am leaving, I even purchased the tickets and everything else myself. My life that I’ve built with this man is going into storage. And it sucks because I really do love my kids and our family. But how do one stay when the other person isn’t treating them right? Some days I just sit there and think. I think to myself of how dumb I can be to put so much trust in a man that didn’t respect me as his wife and his partner in life. But that’s a given when you decided to spend the rest of your life with the person right? I blame myself in the beginning until I realize that I wasn’t the problem. He was. I realized that he was the one that cheated and the one that had problems within himself. As a young woman and only 23 years of age, I know my self worth. And I will not let him think that he can just do all of this damage and not feel sorry for what he did to me and my kids.

    I want him to know what it feels like to not have me or the kids around. To not have a good home cook meal everyday after work. Clean laundry and bills are paid… I want him to see that what he had at home was the best and that he will find no other. I’m not gonna lie I wasn’t the best wife (emotionally & verbally) at times. But I’m young and I have a lot to learn. The difference is I know right from wrong and I didn’t choose to cheat my way out of the problems in the marriage like my husband.

    I feel like I am just typing away at times. But I feel better after I express my feelings and this site gives me that chance. I am scared to death and I am wondering what life will be like for my kids. They deserve everything that I can offer them, their my world. I just don’t understand how he can do this to them. But I guess I will never understand no matter how hard I try.

    He tells me he loves me everyday and that he’s in love with me. But how to do he expect me to believe that when he cheated? How do you treat the mother of your kids like that? I would ask him how do you come home at night and kiss me and your kids with that dirty mouth of yours? His reply was “I don’t know, baby”. Disgusting…. and to top it off I feel like my marriage is never going to heal because of the fact that the OW is prego. It’s so hard to get over that…..

    I just want to wish all of your wonderful ladies a Happy New Year coming up!!! I am hoping the new year will be a better one for me. I need a new beginning and a new start to a new life. With or without this fool!!!! Take care ladies.

  148. Sandy-Sue — we are close in age — I’m in my late forties. Husband is 53. I’m getting close to one year of when his affair started in mid-January — I discovered it in mid-March — prior to them sleeping together as she has a 9-year old son she had to pick up every day — but nonetheless she was making her move and it was a matter of time. I have to say that I’m a bit envious of your situation to start fresh. I am in the limbo state — I have leaned towards staying as my H likes me to be at home — not working now. BUT – and only you all know this — I really dont like being home by myself. We have no kids and now I have no purpose. I gave up a really good sales job to get my “house in order” so to speak. Couldn’t even admit that to the people I worked with. They think I quit to just relax and stay home. That’s not my personality — I like to be out and about and around people. I’m slowing realizing that this is bringing me down and his issues are very toxic. I also don’t admit this to many, but I have three young adult step-children who — quite frankly — are a mess. No futures and no ambition. It makes my H sick and he feels guilty for his divorce over 10 years ago. I have been married for 8 years…and honestly — I think his stress at work and his disappointment with his first marriage/kids has made him a miserable person. He married me I think with a thought that I would rescue them and be a savior. But I quickly got onto the fact that neither he nor his ex-wife wanted to help them in a positive way. So I wasn’t about to take the challenge on by myself — although my middle step-son moved in with us for about a year — that was very trying. But I helped him! That was when the A was going on. So instead of my H coming home on time to help his own son — he was busy driving her to her car and making out in the parking lot …… And so I’m here — originally thinking I could never let him go and how much I love him and want to save my marriage — but then the flipside shows a reality for me that actually brings me down. So now what. I think I need to find a job — not as stressful as sales, but something to get me out and about. My self-esteem is at an all-time low. I know I’m still attractive, but really don’t dress nice anymore — the yoga pants all the time. And my husband has gained all his pre-affair weight back and looks slovenly all the time. It’s really getting old. He is doing some of hte work on our relationship – but nothing for his kids really. And so it goes. So Sandy-Sue — hang in there — you can look at your new life as a clean slate — and a chance to start over — enjoy your own company for awhile! I would be curious from those who stayed if you had the waffling feelings…..My heart says one thing and my head says another. I feel like SUCH a FOOL at times. Not just this affair — but he was flirting/texting others and even going out with another married woman for “champagne” to celebrate the new job he took through all of this. He lied to me, the OW and so many people. He admits he messed up — but sometimes I wonder — do I really need this in my life????? Bebe — I feel your pain as well. I’m sorry you are going through this too. It’s exhausting. I’m crying out for joy — TRUE JOY…..I question if I can have it staying with someone who could lie to my face, and do the sneaky things he did.
    So today I’m in the “leave camp” — but then I’ll have a nice time tonight and prolong staying thinking there is a chance. True torture. Have a nice evening ladies — this site is a Godsend.

  149. Ella,

    I feel the same way too, like is it worth saving? You put so much trust and effort into a relationship and to have him throw it all away for some fantasy life that will never work out with the OW. It’s sad, and when these men realize the mistakes that they’ve made it might be to late. I find myself questioning him all the time. Even though I am moving back home and he knows that I am leaving. I still ask him questions about the affair. I know that it wouldn’t change anything. I just need to know the details in order to move on. I don’t know if you feel this way too.

    It really is exhausting… especially if you have two little ones to take care of like me. I try my best ever since I found out to try to stay strong. I never want t cry in front of my kids. But some days it’s hard to bare and I do. And that’s when is makes me even more sad because my kids would feel my sadness…. I hope you enjoy the rest of the holidays and hopefully things will get better soon!!!

  150. Hello Ladies,
    I haven’t posted in awhile but I do read everyone that is posted. Mitch I am so very sorry for your loss of your friend and that your sister is so I’ll as well. I lost my Mother 6 months after D Day.. The first year was one of turmoil and shock. It is now 21/2 years since I found out and I have been in the limbo state, the I’m leaving then no imstaying state countless times. I have left for two – three weeks at a time going down to California to stay with my sister and have come home with the intention to be all in only to revert back to the fear, pain and anguish state.
    A month ago I felt I was truly committed to going all in sharing my heart and letting go of the resentments and rebuilding our marriage. I set up an appointment with my counselor so I could tell him that I was ready, lay out my needs and fears etc.. Once we were there all the triggers came flooding back, the tapes were flying in my head. I couldn’t do it. I was so angry at him and at myself for thinking that I was going to let him “get away with all the lies and betrayals” . I know intellectually that staying doesn’t mean condoning his behavior but I feel like I’m accepting it means I’m not honoring myself.
    My husband continued to lie about what really happened for a year. I had horrible evidence provided by her and he still lied and denied. I sought counseling, he made some gestures but nowhere near the amount that I was. So here I am tonight reporting that I am in fact leaving. I caught him in more lies. They weren’t about an affair they were just him breaking trust and not doing what he said he was going to do. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and comes from a very dysfunctional family. They knew about his affair, his sister allowed him to bring her to her house. They will give him pills and/or offer him alcohol. They all use some form of substance and think that there is nothing wrong with that. They tell him I am brainwashing him!!!
    My husband declared to myself, my counselor and his sponsor that he saw his family as toxic and detrimental to his recovery and our marriage. He said he wasn’t going to go around them as he felt he wasn’t strong enough to not get sucked back in to their unhealthy ways. He has repeatedly stated that he doesn’t see them and feels good about that. Well he set up Google latitude as a gesture of trust building and accountability. I looked at it yesterday for the first time. It has a history feature and shows all the destinations he’s been to. Well he has been going to his parents on average 5 days a week, his sisters house 2-3 times per week for the last 3 months!!!! He went there for Thanksgiving while I was in Cali and lied saying he was at home and didn’t want to go as they would all be drinking.
    This discovery has given me the revelation that he really hasn’t changed he is still actively living another life behind my back, looking me in the eye and lying on a regular basis and basically full of shit. He berated me that I don’t cheerlead all his changes and attempts to make me out as the unforgiving bitter wife while he’s still lying. He then said the same old thing he has throughout our marriage that he hides these things from me because he doesn’t want to fight and he can’t live under a microscope. REALLY??? One day remorseful says he knows he has a lot of proving to do and will wait as long as it takes for me to heal and trust him and meanwhile he’s sneaking around and packing resentments that he is being scrutinized.
    I am leaving. I’m putting all my things in storage here and taking my dogs and driving down to Cali and moving in with my sister and her husband. He says he will continue to pay our mortgage. I’m hoping an attorney friend of my counselor will be willing to write up a separation agreement that will include a clause stating that if he falls one month behind we will put the house up for sale. I’ve held on to the fear of losing my home and am now seeing it as only stuff. The OW has a cupcake store 1/4 mile from my house, I see her all the time and it is hell. I don’t want to live like this anymore. He’s shown me he doesn’t really respect me or value honesty. I am 53 and don’t want to be 63 and be in same place as I am now.
    I am scared and have no idea what lies ahead. I do know that I’m casting my net and need to have faith that my God has a plan for me and now that I’m getting out of trying to create the outcome and base my happiness on his willingness to change I will finally be free.
    I plan on being gone by the end of January. I’m selling some things, donating things I really don’t need and simplifying my life. I’m putting family things, my good furniture and things of that nature in storage. I’ve made lists, written affirmations, listed all the lies as a reminder as to why I’m doing this. Wow I’m really doing it. I’m going to be flat broke but won’t live with a man I can’t trust and constant triggers around me. I have to stay in the place that I’m allowing my life to move forward and that I will be alive again rather then just existing.
    Jewels I truly couldn’t have done this without you and all the women who have found this site. I will start posting again regularly as I’m going to need the support now more than ever.
    May 2012 bring all of us peace and healing.
    Warmly,
    Susan

  151. Let me first start by expressing my sympathy to Mitch for the loss of her friend, and with the stress of her sisters illness. Also let me say to the women who decided to leave their husbands… Know that YOU are ALL strong women, to make a decision that is the healthy decision for YOU!
    I too have daily triggers, being at 2 months since finding out, I know its not nearly as long as some of you have been dealing with it. I feel crazy one minute for staying, then I feel crazy the next for thinking about not staying. I want to trust my husband… I do with some aspects, But when hes at work, I dont, When he goes to the store alone, I dont, and He is now going to have a cell phone again, and that brings on a whole new ball of stress. ( the cell phone thing was my idea ) He was ok not having one until I was ready for him.. I feel if I dont start trusting him at some level, I will never be able to trust him on any level. Something I have been struggling with lately though is.. Since the A started, nearly 2 years ago, He was working in the produce section of his job… he was switched to a different dept about a year ago,..not saying nothing had happened at his job while he was in this other department because it did but , its a busier dept and he didnt have as much freedom to “disappear” as he did in the produce… He told me about a month and a half ago, they needed him to cover the produce for a week to cover vacations and such.. He was also told that ” they would be watching him” talking about his job performance…. as someone was leaving the dept soon… I told him I didnt feel comfortable with him being back in produce, and I would wonder and worry constantly about what he was doing…. He did the week, that he had to do.. and I was a mess.. He just told me he applied for the job that is going to be opening in produce… knowing how I felt and feel, knowing what I went through for that week… I feel sick to my stomach and he hasnt even interviewed for the job ( that happens tomorrow) Its an advancement, and I am proud that he has stepped up to apply to this to go up the ladder so to speak, but I also feel betrayed like he doesnt give a crap about how this is going to affect me…. Today is a day I think WHY? Why did he do this to me? Why did I choose to stay? Why didnt I go to her house and kick her sorry excuse for a woman ass? Why Why Why??? I pray that Karma finds her… I think about how she is living her life, without this emotional turmoil, But then… My H too…. I asked him if he thinks about this… He said he trys not to.. because it makes him sad how much he hurt me, and how he almost lost everything he had worth living for.. I wonder if the things he says are truthful… When he says Im sexy, Im beautiful, calls me pretty…. he NEVER EVER EVER said those things to me before…… I look the same… so what has changed? Why the words now? I feel they are a little too late…. They dont make me feel good, it makes me feel like he is lying to keep me pleased. I also told him no matter what, at what cost that he shouldnt lie… about anything, and then I sat with him one day and I being that I lost a good amount of weight… I asked him one of those forbidden questions… I asked him if it looks like I lost weight….. And before I give you his answer… I have to say truthfully if he would have said no, I would have been hurt, but knowing I HAVE, still makes me feel proud I have… And he said Yes, I can… So… me being me I asked him, Where can you tell? He said, well I dont know… So…. You lied to me… was my response, and he said, I didnt want to hurt your feelings…. But so lying to me is the better option?? Knowing that trust is at an all time low… You make it better by lying to me?? It broke my heart… I would have rather him had said… No, but I know you have and I am proud, then flat out lie to me, and then couldnt even back up his statement!!!!!! ARGHHH!!!! Im so darned frustrated… This is not a good day for me!

    I want to give a heartfelt welcome ( Sorry you have to be here) To the people I havent had the pleasure ( under these horrible circumstances) to talk to yet.. And I am sorry your spouse made lousy decisions also!! 🙁

    On a lighter note, I hope you all have a Blessed New Years, and Eat Black Eyed Peas on New Years Day!!!!!!

  152. Hello all. I am so grateful to have found this site. I have known about the affair for almost 2 1/2 years. Things have gotten better. I don’t have the constant sinking feeling in my stomach, I have hours that pass without thinking about it, and I can laugh when something is funny.
    My husband is and has been remorseful after being caught. He is willing to talk about it when I have brought it up. He went to counseling and actually set it up. So I guess he has been perfect except for that pesky cheating thing! We had been married for 20 years. Almost to the day when it happened. It was with a woman who works FOR him. She is in a different state which made it easy to hide. I took some of the blame in the beginning for not emotionally being there for him and not being a good cheerleader for his greatness. Then I remembered I was that and more before we got married but his telling me his family was never “like that” and weren’t “emotional people” made me stifle all of that towards him. So after I came to my senses I realized I may have walked to the bridge with him but I did not cross it, he did. I used to be all of what he said was missing but he didn’t want it to be like that. He changed the rules and didn’t tell me! NOT MY FAULT.
    I still have daily triggers. I guess this is how I found you all. Thank God! I hold out so much hope. We have my parents in the in law suite and my daughter had a beautiful son and is just getting back to finishing her degree. So to say I can focus on me is a stretch. I am not the same person. I don’t smile much, except with that baby. I quit my job cause really, who can deal with all of this and work? At least we don’t rely on my income, for this I am grateful.
    I guess it is noticeable that my mind is still rambling and I need to get it together. So glad to have found this forum!

  153. Georgia, you have found the right place. The support from Jewels and the other women here have been invaluable to me-huge in me healing for me and not only for my marriage. I hope you find the outlet you need here. I am also grateful to you – you give those of us here that did stay after an affair encouragement that it can work out if both parties want it to and work at it. I found out last fall about my husbands affair, and it is HARD to stay with someone that has hurt you so badly. We work daily on us, but most importantly I work daily on me- finding new things out about myself all the time. It is one of the few amazing things that has come out of one of the most horrible things to ever happen to me. This is a safe place to get your thoughts together.

  154. Georgia, It’s seems a lot of hit that 20yr mark almost to the day. What is it that 20yrs makes these men freak out? With my husband I know he missed his younger years and wanted to feel wanted again by a younger woman. He also worked with co worker (a man) who was never married had no kids and could do anything he wanted and he was SO JEALOUS!!!!!! He even told me during the whole blow up that he wished he was single! That hurt! He just threw our family away so he could feel single again. Never once thought of the fall out!
    I still have days that I do wished I divorced him, so I wouldn’t think so much about how he hurt me. but would I really not be thinking about that because every woman here thinks about it weather they stayed or left!

  155. Staying married or divorcing wouldn’t make it hurt any less or make me think about it less frequently, or so I think. My situation was that he said I didn’t appreciate him. On our anniversary he had balloons and candles and gifts and he even made an old fashioned mixed tape….now we had set the ‘RULE’ long ago that we didn’t exchange gifts and would not make a big deal of anniversaries or birthdays or even Christmas for each other. Fine. But don’t change that rule and not inform me and then get upset or hurt when I don’t do anything! Of course that wasn’t his only example of my emotional disconnect but none of that matters if he didn’t want to talk about any of it. I still say I was there, in the relationship, and felt many of the same things he did. I did not stray. I did not cheat. I did try to talk to him but he wasn’t a talk about emotions guy. I used to tell my friends and co workers about our great relationship. I thought we had one of the strongest marriages I knew of. Well all of the phone calls and texts with the OW shows he had something to sayto someone just not me. Yup…2 1/2 years and I still get so upset and angry. Perhaps therapy, again, is what I need.

  156. Georgia, I hate when they say they are not appreciated! It goes both ways, but because they are the man they need to be reassured that they are the one for us and a great provider. Until they feel they aren’t then they seem to take it in their own hands to feel it from someone else.. My marriage was sort of stagnant and I too did not stray, or cheat. I too thought we had a strong marriage even his sister thought so and made comments all the time. My husband doesn’t talk about emotions very much but did with the OW he told her all his secrets some I never was intended to find out but did. How can someone live two lives and think its ok?
    because my husband is in AA now he doesn’t feel he can talk about it because through AA you are suppose to release yourself from your sins and move on., while I still fester in my thoughts! I want counseling with him but he won’t talk about it anymore because he let it go (he confessed all to his AA group and a priest so he thinks things are OK with us.
    So I come here daily for my therapy through all you women, and you have all helped me slowly move forward with my thoughts and your guidance.

  157. Lisa P. I agree this site is wonderful therapy for all of us. It makes me feel good to tell my story, listen to others tell theirs, be able to reflect and see things in a new light, and know I am not alone in this hell hole of recovery. As women we feel so deeply- we are just wired that way- I think that is also why we are so willing to share this journey together- Thank you for always being there. I am grateful for all of you and your strength to move forward- with or without the marriages. It is a testament to just how POWERFUL women really are- Peace and Blessings

  158. So I am leaving in 5 days, tickets booked and everything. I don’t feel as sad as I did when I decided to leave. I found out in August 2011 that my husband was cheating on me and to this day I still don’t understand how he can do this to me and our kids. He say that he didn’t do this to our kids. But what he doesn’t realize is that our kids is affected by his actions because I am leaving. Back to another state, so therefore my kids would not be around their father. He also ruin our family, the foundation. And he said he didn’t do this to our kids.. Please.

    I am so scared… scared to start a new beginning without him. I know that in the long run that I will be fine. It’s just the scary part of not being able to let another man in my world. I can’t even see myself dating or even starting. I feel like the moment that I am no longer in the state, he will go to her. But to be honest that doesn’t bother me that much. I can’t lie and say that I am not bothered by it. But he’s gonna cheat regardless if I am near or far. Cause that’s exactly how it happen far away in another state.

    I am at a point where either he understand where I stand when it comes to this marriage or not. Either way he knows how what I want in this marriage and what I need from him. I know things don’t just change overnight. And I know ways and habits don’t just change when I want it to. But wouldn’t it make things better if we can just make it happen right away 🙂

    Anyways, even though I am scared I am also very excited at the same time. Excited about heading back home where I have my family and friends. Where I was raised my whole life. My family and friends make it easier for me because they can’t wait for me to come home. I know a lot of women feel like they are in this alone, but when you start to share your story with others. You’ll be surprised at the responses that you will get. There’s a lot of infidelity, but some people just choose to not talk about it. It’s funny because my husband made a comment yesterday that “everyone knows” with a kinda annoyed voice. And I snapped back at him and said “well I didn’t do shit wrong, so I don’t mind telling people”. And he was kinda mad and said “well I don’t care what people think”. Yeah sure you don’t. Thank god for a site like this. I can vent to you ladies because you can feel my pain and what I am going through. I want to commend every women on this site!! It takes a lot to stay or leave when it comes to cheating. It prove how strong we are as one and how strong we are together!!! I wish all of you the best and may this year be a better and happier one.

  159. Good for you Bebe — you will do great. I’m happy you have chosen a path and are so strong. Wow — I think about leaving still – -and my D-day was in March. I’m having a BAD trigger day — Valentine’s Day is coming and he was having his affair during this time last year. I’m so depressed and will be for the next few months. Trying to hold it together — but then I hear your story and you can start a new life — I know it’s scary — but it’s yours. And you get to make it how you want it. I sometimes think what I’m left with…..and that is scary too. Nothing feels right — staying nor leaving. It’s so weird….even after almost a year. Your husband’s comments about he doesn’t care about what people think — my husband used to say that about other things in life — and I threw that one back in his face during my discover phase — I said — “I know you say that you don’t care about what other people think — I guess that’s good for you….. so what do you care about? What do you think about you? What does God think about you? Is this how you want to be known — a liar and a cheater — someone who went with another man’s wife? A 9-year old child’s mother? And now the husband knows and so he will be telling everyone he knows about how you tried to ruin a family” (not to mention ours of course). He sat silent. They are lying when they say it…..and it will give them food for thought. So you go girl! Good luck with your move and let us know how it goes. We will be thinking about you and your journey.

  160. Georgia, Welcome… and I say that with a heavy heart, makes me truly sad there is so much infidelity happening.. as Bebe said.. LisaP.. I dont think any of them really think about the consequences or really care what they are at the time… I know my husband stated he didnt care, didnt think about what would happen…Told me all his conversations with her.. working up to what did take place was done with patience because at that time he had nothing but time.. time to see if there was going to go any further and now will tell me he was stupid to ever think there was anyone better than me… that truly the grass is not greener on the other side… and although I LOVE hearing him tell me that I mean the world to him now… it still hurts that he threw our marriage to the dogs for what? Having sex with someone else TWICE? sex that they both stated sucked… ( I will never know if it truly did or not) but that doesnt matter to me anymore.. as it once did. He did admit to me he would have never had anything more than a physical relationship with her, I truly dont know that… He also said the night he broke it off, he knew he screwed up BIG time… where he didnt feel that way for the whole year he was telling her our personal business, or even after the first time he had sex with her.. I dont know…. I had my last breakdown on his birthday… which was the 2nd… made me think how lucky HE was that I am still with him… because I know I am a good person, and he almost lost ME… Bebe… I wish you the best of luck… I dont know if I am stronger or weaker staying… or just as strong….. I know I love my husband… I know counseling has helped me… Although we go there he doesnt have much to say unless the counselor asks him directly… I have too much to say I feel… always have a problem or an issue I want to talk about… I give my H time to talk, and he sits there, so I fill the time with myself. I do wish my husband would communicate more, as that was a BIG problem with this…

  161. Ella & REC,

    Thanks you ladies for commending me. I too should pat myself on the back for actually leaving so that I can sort my thoughts and feelings out. It’s hard at times you know? His actions cause so much pain for me and he see’s it too. Yet after the affair, he still was lying. The part that I think I can’t bare is that the OW is pregnant. And she will never be out of my life if I choose later on that I want to work things out. I honestly don’t have hatred against the other women. I just have no respect for her. She knew he was married with kids yet that never stop her. It’s funny because believe it or not. This will come back to bite her in the ass and when it does I am def going to cheers to that :)!!!

    Ella, See the thing with men is that they swear up and down that they don’t care what people think about them. But so quick to fight the next man that say something bad about them. It’s all BS to me, I just think he said that out of anger because I snapped at him, haha. Don’t you just wanna slap some sense into them? It would be nice :). And it’s so painful when the D Day is around the Holidays or on a certain holiday. Because when those events comes around you think about it, well at least I do. It makes it hard to enjoy those holidays…

    REC, it takes a lot to stay or leave. Either way your still strong for even dealing with this type of mess. It’s funny how bad situations like this always hit up when we don’t expected it right? I believe at the time he didn’t really think about the outcome when he was having his affair. And I do believe he now knows that karma is a bitch. Because he cheated, the OW is pregnant and to top it off his family is leaving him. So yeah, this should be a big LIFE LESSON for this 23 years old ass :). I am just the by stander in this journey of life for him. And thanks you for your kind words. I will try my best to be a better person and mother because of this. I will set a big example for my kids. I want my little girl to understand that when a man ain’t treating you right, you don’t have to stick around and deal with his BS. I hope this year will be a better one for you my dear!

  162. Hi Girls and a better 2012 to us all!
    Firstly, thanks to you girls for your kind words on my friend Rosie’s passing. My sister got her all clear on her scan last week so that takes a load off my mind for now as i did not know how I was going to cope with another bad year,emotionally!
    Rec and Lisa P.. you guys are constantly writing and it’s always good to read. i suppose at the end of the day we can all say we are just reading our own stories over and over again as technically they are one and the same! To all you ladies who have decided to go out on your own… you are doing what we wish we could be doing!!! I too am 44 so I guess none of us are spring chickens. We seem to be in the same state financially which really is what keeps us here but then again sometimes I wonder are we just scared to go out on our own and start again with nothing as that is what i would have to do. My house is not worth selling at this time and wont be for a long time so no point us splitting everything is two as both of us would have nothing. The fact that we would probably not get another mortgage also holds me back as where do i want to be at 60? But then again what is this all about? Do I stay because of the security? I certainly know that I would not have enough money at 60 to be paying a big rent and probably wouldn’t have a job much longer after that so where would that leave me if I left now? I know, it really is stupid reasons at the end of the day but I think security counts for a lot and does hold me back. I had another discussion the other day about the affair and just asked my husband for once and for all to please be honest…. but seems he just can’t and that is what will always leave doubt in my mind. he can say he has moved on and forgotten her and she wasn’t that important but hey… she was important enough to have a long distance relationship, daily emails, texts etc, and eventually sex with her and now suddenly she is forgotten. Why do they think we are sooo stupid? ok maybe I am stupid… i must be somewhat to have never once clicked that he may have been having an affair and that angers me sooo much.. how was I so blind????? I told him that every night I go to sleep I pray that the next day please don’t let me think out this.. just once.. yet every day I awake to the same questions! My eyes aren’t even open and my brain is going 90 miles an hour! argh!! I have no-one to talk to and it just bugs the shits of me that he seems to think it it all ok.. doesn’t have to talk about it… it is all over and done with! how does he get to sleep so soundly?? I look at him from time to time and wonder how does he not see the hurt he has caused me? how can he be so oblivious? It’s like he has relaxed again and back to normal marriage.. no more kiss goodnight… no more random hugs… is he bored again? Will he start looking her up again? Of course he says he won’t but did we not end up in a bad situation because I wasn’t paying enough attention to him.. praising him enough? I do know that he still seems to think he was not at fault for straying…it was me berating him, putting him down etc etc etc .. he does know it was wrong but not what lead up to it. Georgia had a great analogy… we both walked up to the bridge… I didn’t make him cross it. As she said we both were not happy, argued etc but did I go off with someone else???? No!!!!!!! I guess at the end of the day.. he won’t tell me the truth…. i did learn he had met her the year before when he said he hadn’t so once again doubt is in my mind because I will never know the truth. Jewels, I know you said I never will and I can’t control that but I just can’t get over that… not knowing… or when Is something else going to come up that is why I just wish once and for all he would tell me!!!!!!! I hate living with this awful feeling every day… it is horrible.. I try to be nice and loving but I just don’t believe his affections.. I just can’t! As he lied so many times I just keep thinking this is another lie and how many of the years before has he been lying and is it easier for him to stay than go.. financially that’s just how we are at the moment! You know you girls in the US should try make a plan and meet up somewhere… i would surely do so if I was there as I would love to meet you all!!! So once again I have had a rant… sorry… but i know you all understand and thanks for being there… my only outlet to this horrible horrible mess! x

  163. Ok, yesterday was a BAD day for me… I KNEW going into counseling, I was going to walk out of there mad as a rat without cheese. And I was right.. Although I dont think my husband is cheating again, and I honestly hope what he says about never wanting to have that feeling again is true… ( although I have doubts ) I will tell you about my day because I dont think anyone else will truly understand!
    I will back the story up a couple of weeks My H was at work, and he called me to tell me a “disturbing” conversation he had with a female coworker. This coworker is a bit heavier than myself, and I guess she started using a C pap machine to help her breathe at night.. She approached my husband and started talking about the machine. My H who also uses one got involved in a convo with her. Then she went to an area of her department ( they dont work in the same department) which she couldnt fit before, my h said to her..” I remember when you couldnt fit through there, you must of lost weight, good for you” (umm… Ok) She confirmed, then started to tell him personal stuff about a rash she gets under her belly from being heavy and what she does for it… my h commented about that I had that once before and what I did for it.. (REALLY?????) Ok, so when he first called me I was like yeah ok, whatever… then I thought about it.. for 2 weeks… and then the crap hit the fan….. I BLEW UP! told him that was BS, how dare he have such a personal convo with another female, why was he telling her my personal business, Why did he feel the need to notice she lost weight? (Especially since I have been losing and he doesnt say a WORD to me) OMG!!! so…. Moving on to Yesterday, we went to counseling… this subject was brought up and the counselor told my H that because this was a trigger for me, conversations he has with other females should be ” not told to me” Ummm… excuse me, Are you telling my husband it is OK to have personal conversations with women, and NOT tell me… I WAS FLOORED!!!! Personal conversations with another female is what started him down the road and eventually led him to CHEATING! I wanted to walk out, but knew it wouldnt do any good… BUT, perhaps I am wrong in my feeling this way, but I feel perhaps my H should NOT be having these conversations in the first place. There is NO need for him to comment on a womans weight, that means hes looking at her body enough to notice… There is NO need for him to tell another woman my personal business.. UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! and the counselor didnt get it… and my H just sat there and said nothing…. But in the car he said, I agree with you, I should have never had that convo, and I will try very hard not to be drawn into any other, especially when it starts getting that personal… Then I sat the whole car ride home wondering if he was just giving me lip service, and will he still talk whatever and really not tell me… ARGH!
    Mitch, I have to honestly say I stayed because my H showed true remorse, answered all my questions, and I mean ALL, took almost a month, but I got everything I think I could possibly have gotten from him… Even now I dont ask him questions so frequently, yesterday being the first in about a month… I do have one very important question that I dont think he answers me honestly about, I asked him what were his feelings for her, he answers nothing but friendship, but for a year and a half, you talked to this girl, told her lies, and truths to obtain sympathy from her, which eventually in that year and a half led to touchy feely crap, which eventually led to a couple of intercourse sessions, (after the first was when he wanted to end it) calling her, to meet up with her, so you could end it, but before you end it you have intercourse with her again, then tell her its over? Why would anyone feel the need to tell someone face to face it was a mistake to start something, if you didnt feel something beyond friendship? He said he felt she deserved a face to face “break up” Why I ask? and I truly never got an answer I can believe. I am sorry you feel unable to leave, if you wanted to, due to financial issues. I am 36 and actually bring home more money than my H does. it would have been a struggle, but I could have managed, I dont own a home, I rent, and the rent in the area I live is very high.. for what the area pays in wages. I do have 2 young children to think about, and I cannot honestly say they didnt impact my decision, If it had just been me, there wouldnt be a marriage right now. I do know that, but they werent the only reason.. For every major decision in my life, I sit and do a Pro Con list, and I try and make my decision based on that, sometimes I still do the opposite because I can, but this situation was no different and the Pros definitely out numbered the Cons.
    I do love my husband, and I know he loves me, and he is tolerating my outbursts, which usually come from triggers, not always. He said he F’ed up. He hurt me, he has to live with knowing that he did this. and he will take whatever he needs to from me, because he caused it. I wish he thought about this as much as I do… he does say he thinks about what he almost lost… told me the grass was definitely not greener, he doesnt know what he was thinking or why he felt it was ok to do what he did.
    I cannot express enough how thankful I am for you ladies…

  164. REC, I too sometimes don’t believe the things my husband says. But we are not them and most of the time we can tell when the really do lie! We don’t know what goes on in their brains as they are totally wired differently than us. My H also said he will have to live with his mistakes the rest of his life and I do think he will because he was crying when he said it. I too also did the pros and cons list and had it in my drawer for a month and kept adding to it. I even told my husband about it because at that time I still didn’t know what I wanted to do. My husband wanted to read them so I let him and now he keeps them in as AA binder as a reminder of how he hurt me. He understands my feelings about everything at that time. There were not nice things I wrote and a lot of angry too.
    About the security issue that played a lot of in my decision as well. It is something you can not get away from. Im 48yrs old have 9yr left on a mortgage and no job. Two Autisic adult sons and a husband with a great income and we do have a beautiful home and live in CA. Was I going to throw this all away? In the begining HELL YES! But as the days went bye my anger subsided a little but will never really go away and we decided we still loved each other enough to fight for our marriage. Next month will be 24yrs I never thought I was going to make it too 20yrs. We are making it an effort now to be together even if it’s just going to HomeDepot for to the grocery store.

  165. Hey Rec..and Lisa P

    Rec, I really feel for you in your session! You are sooo right… he should not be discussing such personal details.. maybe the other woman feels comfortable enough to blab about her situation but he should not be swopping your personal information! I am not saying it is right he listened to her but i do know some women who just talk and blurt out stuff they think is ok when it really isn’t appropriate.. so we cant say he shouldn’t have listened but can say he should not have responded! As you said funny how he noticed she lost weight and not you! I think nowadays any slight trigger will set us off.. even if he has zero interest in the woman at work.. why did he notice her weight? We question everything and that’s how it’s gonna be from now on! Your therapist sounds ridiculous saying he shouldn’t tell you about these conversations… does that not mean he is then condoning them??? eh….. yea!!!! I too would have been going mental and I probably would have walked out so good for you for staying! Lip service… hmm… yes… probably our latest addition to our cheating vocabulary because now we question everything that is said and wonder is it true or is he just saying that to keep me quiet???? regarding seeing the OW to end it… i agree with all you are saying. Like my situation how can anyone who has had a relationship with someone else just think it is over because they now say it is over? Do they reeeeeally think we are that stupid? I say put myself in your position and i get caught out and have to end it.. do i just say it’s over and all feelings are gone?..eh.. no… we are not that mechanical and neither are they and this is the reason I feel i do not get the truth as I too do not get the answer I believe or want to believe. So we ask ourselves why do we ask all these questions.. then they answer them and we still don’t believe them!??? I thinks its because we do know when they are not telling the truth. I don’t believe the crap of i don’t want to say any more to hurt you.. how could i be any more hurt than i am now… it’s just not physically or mentally possible.. believe me! I keep playing over in my mind when i found out should I have done things differently? Should I have thrown him out and not spoken to him for ages? Maybe that way he would have actually felt what he has lost or realised the pain he caused because i do feel that he not being “punished” has left him to carry on like nothing has happened! I guess I just want to see the remorse on his face.. i want to know he is thinking constantly about how he hurt me… but all I get is everything but!!! His world continues as if not even a hiccup occurred and that angers me more than anything else.. the fact that I do not see the remorse! Maybe that’ why I keep bringing things up so i get some reaction as some is better than none! I feel I want to tear my hair out in frustration of getting him to show something! Yes, he is sorry, yes he is sad about the pain he caused, yes he does try somewhat but mostly it’s because of the little things I hint at! So why doesn’t he seem able to do the little random things on his own? Is it because it just doesn’t matter enough because that is how I see it!!! Why must I always ask him to do something for me and then when he does i say it’s only because i said so… arggghhh… frustration……….
    As for finances.. i know that is not the only reason I stay. I stayed because I really do love him.. more than anything.. yet I keep asking myself why? I have never come first and never will and yet here I stay… hoping that one day I will! I too did not want to upset the family by leaving.. yes my kids are older as in 20 years old.. but we have always had a pretty good family and they would be very sad… i keep thinking of the family holiday we plan to go on to Disney in October.. a family holiday he should have been on with us 2 years ago but once again chose not to and went off to the other country alone… of course now we know why! So, yes, I try and keep the family together and i love being here with him but at the same time i hate him sooooo much and i hate her as much as that stupid cow gets to deal with none of this. I would love to destroy her world like she destroyed mine and mark my words that I will meet her one day! It will be civilised but I want to see her face to face and meet the person who did this to me!!!!!!
    Lisa… your situation is also difficult with two autistic children and you were right not to throw it all away. You know.. we only have one life to live.. we don’t get to come back and do it all again perfectly. If we didn’t love them we wouldn’t be here but by god it’s bloody hard and instead of each day getting better it seems to get harder. Do I have to hit another rock bottom before i get up again? Who knows but for now it’s each day as it comes and that’s all there is to it. Can’t change it.. can’t fix it.. can’t make it all disappear.. all we can do is try amend it! x

  166. Hi Ladies,
    Your stories have helped me so much over the past several months. I found out my husband of almost 16 years had been having several affairs last October. This was hell for me. Especially how I found out. I was woken up by his phone vibrating one night, repeatedly. I reached over to shut it off and saw a text message that didn’t make much sense, so I opened it up and started reading. Within 5 minutes, I had his phone in the bathroom & mine and was reading & taking pictures of the text messages to many women. I was shaking & crying & horrified as I realized that he had had them at our house, on days when we had sex, while I was working, while I was out with our 4 kids doing things. He had even texted them about sex while laying in bed with me. Then, after reading a huge chunk of this I realized that the next day was Monday & I had to be at school in less than 4 hours. I teach elementary school. So I totally compartmentalized it, went into one of my daughter’s rooms & sat praying till the kids started waking up. I really don’t even remember that school day, other than I made it through it. I also wrote substitute plans for Tuesday, since I knew we had our monthly marriage counseling & I had already put in for a sub. That night, I pretended to be asleep when my husband got home, around 10:30- he didn’t go to work till 1:00pm. Then after he was asleep, I got his phone & started exploring. I found that he had another email, one that I didn’t even know existed. That he had accounts with more than 5 online dating/hook up services. That 2 of the relationships had been going on at least 9 months. I was beyond shocked & shaken. I confronted him the next day at counseling. At first he denied it and then I pulled out the 20+ pages of pictures I had taken and printed of the texts, literally hundreds & emails. He got pissed and said fine I did, whatever. I was shaken, yelling & told him he couldn’t come home and the counselor intervened and said I couldn’t kick him out & we had to talk about this. I replied that this was a huge deal breaker, we were looking at affairs with over 10 different people, 2 of them long term. I read the horrible things he said about me & the outright lies, like we were just roommates, not really married, etc… She said we needed to talk about it more. We left and I wouldn’t talk to him during the week, he slept on the punch & I spent the weekends with all 4 kids at my best friend’s house. So for the next 3 weeks, I went with him to counseling & as she tried to get us to reconcile, that’s what he wanted. He refused to move out, started working on actually finishing all his unfinished remodel projects, started cooking & cleaning & literally being the model dad. However, he never apologized and in counseling, he blamed the affairs on me. See, the year before, I had separated from him because he was blowing up at the kids and he hit our 6th grade son. I moved out with all four kids for 2 &1/2 months. He said that was when all this started, because I left him. He even spent part of New Years Eve with one of the women. The whole reason I had left was to get him to work on his anger management & depression issues. He has had these for years and had taken meds for about 5 years but been off them & quit going to counseling about 6 months before I moved out. So in his mind he was justified. The worst part is that after we got back together last year, he constantly brought up the intimacy issue, because I din;t have sex with him the first 2 months we were back together & the counselor also made me feel bad about not trusting him. Then after we started having sex, I thought he was having an affair, due to some weird Facebook messages. He acted like I was crazy, my mom & sisters had taken his side during that first separation. They thought I was over reacting & suspicious. That was until I found out the truth this October. However, some of the messages date before October. That changed their minds, my mom called me the day I was going to counseling & she knew something was wrong. I told her to pray & my suspicions, she said to give him the chance to explain. After the session, I went to her house & cried, ranted, and showed her some of the messages. I didn’t show her the pictures he had sent of himself & received from the women. Thank God I never found the video footage of their escapades, the emails discussed them filming themselves, in my bedroom. The whole thing was absolutely horrifying. I literally trashed my sheets, bought a new mattress pad & pillow, switched to sheets I haven’t used in years, etc…
    I looked up dealing with affairs n the internet & came across this site, it has helped so much. I found it the day I had to go through a full blown medical screening and tests, because he admitted that all of his affairs had been unprotected. The counselor asked that questioned, I never even thought of it. That was a bad day, I think I cried about 3/4 of the time I was at the doctor’s office, then she said she saw at least one person who was in my situation each week. This made me sad for humanity. She also said she hoped I was a lucky one who wound up with a clean report, everything was, except I have to be retested for HPV, due to abnormal results. I will also have to be retested for HIV every year fro a while, because it can pop up after. We know I was clean before, because I had a full screening each time I was pregnant. This part sucked a lot.
    Anyway, living together has been h—. We have 4 kids, 2 boys and 2 girls, aged 5-12. They know things are bad, they have watched him yell and gripe at me because I won’t even ride in the same car as him. They have heard him say, “You’re the one who won’t work this out” to me. They also see him on the couch, he refused to have the boys share a room, so he could have a room. I told him he couldn’t see anyone else, he had to go to counseling each week, he joined a sex addiction support group, etc… But still, I don’t trust him. He says things like “I bought we could work through anything…” I feel like this we can’t. I worked through the loss of our first child with him. I went on to have 4 more kids with him. I worked through lots of porn issues & him looking at stuff all the time & being depressed & verbally abusive to me & the kids, when he went on meds it didn’t happen. I worked through him losing it the year before, because I saw the remorse he had with the kids & my oldest, the one he hit once asked if we could let him come back home. But now, I just don’t love him. I think al the other things tested the marriage, but finding this out broke my love for him. I had never tout this would happen to me. I thought I was such a strong women & that he just wasn’t that kind of person.
    I think what finally helped was when I saw some of my best friends from college for a girls weekend at the beginning of November. They have all been through divorces from their college sweethearts. Two of them had been cheated on, they other one just grew apart- none had kids. They were so helpful and said, look at how you’ve changed, you’re the one who grew up. You took care of him and the kids. He acted like a kid, and he isn’t really the same man you married. It was so helpful to see their perspective. We live in separate cities & countries and only get together once a year, but talk all the time. I realized that they had been worried for me for a long time, but they also couldn’t believe he would do that.
    When I got home after 3 days, I was renewed & had the courage to force the divorce. Unlike many of you, I am able to afford it. It won’t be easy, but all my lawyer fees and covered by the Teacher’s Union I belong too, so it will be free. He agreed to not contest & so far to everything I have asked for. While we still have a house payment, it’s to my parents. We bought the house from them, and we owe what the house is worth now, due to the market crash & they let us fall behind the last year when we were separated- so it’s a wash. We don’t have tons of debt, but it won’t be easy. In November, he finally realized I was actually going through with the divorce. I submitted the first set of paperwork to the lawyer. He got so mad he blew up at me after church, he was yelling how if I hadn’t left a year ago, this wouldn’t have happened. Then he said, look at all I’ve done around the house the past month. He had done all these projects that had been half done or needed to be done for several years. This only made me more upset, I accidentally said “Yeah, it’s amazing what you can accomplish during the day when you don’t have a girlfriend.” He threatened to go in and tell the kids that I was making him get a divorce, I said that wasn’t ok, he threatened to tell them what he had done & I stood in his way and told him to get out of the house. Then he walked out, quit his job and drove across the country to Oregon where his parents live- with only what he was wearing. My little sister went nuts when she found out & called his parents & told them all he had done, then my mom called them and apologized for her call. Then my mom called me & told me, so I emailed them and said that we were separated & Brian had the right to tell them what was going on, not me, he is their son. Then when he told his parents, somehow he decided to come back. His dad told him he had to make it right somehow for the kids. I’m not really close with them & neither is he, but I know that they call me regularly to make sure I & the kids are ok and have enough to live on. However, we lost our health insurance & his income. So I had to spend all my savings, just making it through the holidays. There were days where reading this blog helped me realize that I was not the only one going through this pain. So thank you to al who have posted. Your posts helped me get through seeing him lay on the couch & not help around the house in December or with the kids. They helped me keep my mouth shut when he and the kids were around & make it through the stress of the holidays.
    He finally got a job, it started last week. He actually was offered 2 different ones, but chose the one where he made more since I pointed out that he needed a job where he could live off what he made after he paid child support. Then he cashed in his 401K, got a lot of money, which I took a 1/3 of. He’s mad, but I said that technically I could have taken half.
    The legal paperwork keeps going back & forth, but my lawyer said we should be ready to file before the end of the month. She also said it was good he was working again since the child support will be based off his current salary. I just feel sad & frustrated still. I feel so betrayed, my life will never be right, the kids won’t either & I keep thinking why did he think any of this would be ok. Why did he ever think it would be ok? I also get really mad because he has quit helping around the house & only watches the kids when I flat out tell him he has too. He also tries to guilt trip me into participating in things as a family, that’s the only time he really shows a desire to be around the kids. He even had a pout fest on Christmas and refused to come do presents for over 45 minutes, because earlier that day I had taken the kids to my older sister’s house for lunch & presents & he wasn’t invited. In fact, my older sister said she would have her husband kick him out if he showed up. At least she is supportive towards me. My mom and little sister say they support me, but also say they still love him and want him to make a full recovery from his issues of addiction. My mom also says she loves him as God’s child and as the father of her grandchildren, since that is what she has to do. It really pisses me off, I finally told her I don’t want to hear it. Instead of a really supportive family, I have some amazing supportive friends. They help out with the kids, making me get out without the kids for a break every now & then. One of them even took my kids Christmas shopping to get things for me, she paid for it. My best friend’s mom, I’ve know her since I was 8, will ask all 4 of my kids to sleepover with her own grandkids & tell us to go out. She even joked about a hit man. I am just so ready for it to be over, but it really won’t ever be over. We share 4 beautiful kids, while I get full custody- he will have visitation. Both my boys have figured out he had an affair, they overheard him yelling at me that day in November. I’m just scared about the future, I will be a single mom with 4 kids at 36, I turn 37 in 5 months. I’m freaking out about my oldest going through puberty. I’m really scared about choices he might make. Anyhow, we are all getting counseling starting this month, got insured through my work for me & because teacher’s salaries are so low- my kids are on medicaid. The insurance through the state teacher’s department is about $600 per month, per dependent. So I had to apply for help, I was also make $10,000 below the cutoff for it. I felt really bad, until one of my friends pointed out that medicaid was meant for situations like mine, emergencies. I had never planned to need it, I had a disaster & it changed my whole life. I told her thanks, then she said she would rather have my kids on it than anyone else. Once he has been at his new job for 6 months, he has agreed to put the kids on his plan. I hope he is not lying and will follow through.
    Still through all of this, I don’t regret marrying him. I love my kids, they are my pride and joy. Even the oldest who is pushing every boundary right now. I just regret that I didn’t find out last year, before I went back. However, I think living on my own with the kids full time last year helped prepare me. I know I can make it, I know I can do this. I will survive.
    Regardless of if you choose to stay or leave, I get so much from your posts. We all share this, and reading about your experiences make things better for me. I think I might have stayed had it only been one affair, one time, or one person. It’s just all the things he got into broke my heart & killed the love.
    I have so many doubts, so many people who are joint friends have no idea, because I’m not saying anything until it’s final. I have suffered a lot of questions from people at church because we don’t sit together & I quit wearing my wedding ring. The judgement from others is so hard, because I still feel frustration. Why did he do this? Why was I not enough? Why & when did his sex addiction start, is that really even valid for his bad choices? What if he doesn’t get help or quits going? What if he doesn’t step up for the kids? So many fears & questions. I just know that I have to stay strong. I did not choose to cross the bridge and have the affair? I have to listen to my heart & what I believe God is telling me to do. I have to make the healthy choice for my kids. I know they deserve to live in a house free from fighting and anger. So I am making him leave. It will be hard, but new mantra is I will survive.

    1. Hello Dawn,

      Welcome to the site. What a story. Interesting your husband says it’s your fault for leaving for 2 months. News Flash for him – leaving for two months was for him to focus on his anger issues, not an excuse to have sex with various women. Plus he did stop once you came back, if it was truly because you left, then when you came back it would of stopped – but he didn’t. It’s not your fault, he is projecting that because he doesn’t want to face his own truth.

      You are not alone for him not using condoms, most stories I have heard, men do not use condoms when cheating, and it is so sad because I know many women who have gotten STD’s from it. They just do not think when having affairs.

      I can not believe he just quit his job like that!! It’s great to hear he got a new one!

      Girlfriend love – it’s the best. I am glad you found the support you were looking for, sometimes family just don’t get it.
      I know you are worried and not ready to share with the world, this was tough for me as well. Yes people will judge and say things, but they don’t know your story, so most are saying things out of a place of ignorance. Just tell yourself that if you hear anything negative lol!

      4 kids – isn’t it interesting how you mentioned the time you spent alone prior was preparing you to be confident enough to leave with 4 kids. I only have 2 and I was scared to leave and raise kids on my own – but I am doing it – as women I think our minds and bodies can adjust in amazing ways!

      I sense you are worried about your kids, especially your son. Maybe he can go to counseling? Try to read some books on divorce and kids, is this the same one that your husband hit? The number one problem kids have with divorce is that they blame themselves for the divorce. But they won’t tell you that, so you have to watch and observe, especially the one that got hit, I am sure he is harboring some serious emotion around feeling that because dad hit me, we had to move out, and that caused the divorce. Really watch him, there is a book that I recommend called Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way, I like it because it breaks down how kids will react by age group, I highly recommend it. All kids will feel this way, you have to constantly remind then that the decision was mommy and daddy’s and has nothing to do with them, that will will show you how. Best of luck to you, I hope you are much happier!!

  167. DawnD, I think your husband has more than addiciton problems. My husband tried to blame me also for all his wrong doings. He was just so lost in all that he was doing that he never thought about his actions until it was too late. If your husband is not in a 12step program for his addition he won’t get better. He may also have other issues a medical person can find. Bi-polar is something that really can upset a persons behavior. At least your father-in-law told him to be a man and get a job and take care of his family one way or another. Iam really glad you found your strength to move on. It was a difficult decision but you can do this. You have already proven it to yourself that you can. Your children will be fine in the long run, thru therapy and your love all will be. I still can’t believe that your therapist was not even understanding how upset you were when he flat out denied everything in front of both of you. That would have done it for me too, I would have walked because your in therapy to save the marriage and he is lying and destroying it at the same time. How does one do that and think it is ok?
    If he doesn’t get the help he needs you still will have problems with everything he says and does. But you are not his babysitter so he needs to do this by himself.
    This site is a God send, I only wished I came across it 5yrs ago in my deepest darkest time. So that is why I am here now for other women just like me needing support and guidance.

  168. Hi ladies,
    I have been reading all your posts and since I posted that I was leaving I haven’t gotten any feedback. Maybe I’m over sensitive but I was really hoping for some support. So with that said Jewels should I just stop posting? I’m very confused

  169. Susan, I am so sorry I must have missed your post. I am so proud of you taking that leap of faith and going out on your own. I too was in turmoil for 2-3yrs was on the mend in 3 &4yrs only to have him cheat on me again. Ugh!!!!! But I stayed only because he wanted help for his addictions. He finally took the actions I was looking for for all those years. Your husband on the other hand doesn’t seem like he is in an AA program but just saying he is. He needs to be going to meetings twice a week and church too. His family is not helping but bring him down deeper and deeper. Its seems you are in a happier place too by finally making up your mind about all of this. In the end you will know that you did the right thing. I wish you the best of luck, and please keep us posted.

    1. Hello Susan,

      Keep posting I am still here!! I know you asked the question in general to all the ladies, but I think it might be a good time to explain why you have not see me post as much. I am VERY much behind in responding to posts, no doubt about it. I do get overwhelmed with all the comments at times, and sometimes they get missed. I am trying to finish up some projects for the site, but I haven’t even been able to do that this week. I am not sure if you know, but I have a full time job, so the only time I can do any posting on the site is at night from about 10pm (after the kids are in bed and I finish showering/cleaning) until 1am. Earlier this week I called myself trying to catch up from last week, stayed up until 2am posting (and still did not get to respond to everyone), and then my son woke up at 4:30 am and would not go to sleep!! Because I only had 2.5 hours, the next couple of days my body would not let me stay up and write…..and each day I get more and more behind…

      Yesterday my computer was having issues so I was on the support phone for almost 3 hours, and once again after the call I was too tired to write…..I just can’t catch up!

      The site has grown to hundreds of people visiting a day, which is wonderful, but unfortunately this means that I might not be able to respond as much, which is something I am trying to understand and deal with. I am SO thankful to ladies like LisaP, JB, Ella, Bebe and all other ladies who have helped in responding to the new visitors during the day, it is because of you that the site is a community).

      So here is what I have tried to do, if anyone writes suicidal (which happened twice this week), I write to them first, then I try to write people that are new to the site to make sure they get at least 1 response from me (which I am working on tonight), then I try to respond to posts like this one that is pretty active. Sometimes there is so much activity, by the time night hits, quite a few ladies have already posted and interacted so I do not respond.

      I hope I don’t come off complaining, I am so thankful to everyone that posts, I am just going through an adjustment period where I am trying to handle the growing activity on the site, my schedule, and working on things that I know will help more women.

      You are not the only person that has asked about activity when they do not get a response. As far as the other ladies responding, it’s a couple of things. Sometimes people’s comments get buried with all the other comments so it gets missed by accident, which is what I think happened. There are times where activity is slow, it could happen for a day or a few days, that happens as well sometimes, but I can confidently say it’s not done on purpose.

      NOW TO THE EXCITING PART of my ramblings lol!! – Not that I should ever be excited that one is leaving a marriage, but for some reason in reading your post, I literally got excited for you. I think it’s because I have gotten to know you so well from the site, I know how hard you have worked to recovery from the pain. I read you say that you were afraid of foreclosure, but now you see it as stuff. It’s amazing how much ‘stuff’ plays into our decisions and our lives. Your statement tells me you have progressed in a HUGE way. Let me tell you, I have foreclosure on my record because of this, I was so so scared of it happening, so nervous of what people might say – but you know what, once it happened, and I realized that life goes on and it’s really not as big of a deal as I thought, I was freed, freed from the emotional tie I had to the status of my credit rating, it actually turned into a liberating time when I thought it would shatter me. Susan I have found an inner peace through this journey and the reason I am excited is that I see that you are about to embark on that same path in leaving and moving in with family. Remember to look forward more than you look back!

      To everyone reading this post, although I might not respond to every post, know that I think about you, I value you and although you might not know it, with each and every post, you are progressing in your journey! – Jewels

      “The journey between what you once were and who you are now becoming is where the dance of life really takes place.”
      Barbara DeAngelis

  170. Susan.. I am truly sorry for not responding to your letter. I did read it but what happens is I read it on my hotmail and then there are always another 3 or 4 at the same time. By the time I get to go post on the site so many more are on and you do forget to personalize a response! I had mentioned it in general in my post that I really do take my hat off to you ladies who get up the courage to leave! As far as reading posts go I saw some on another topic and realised people post all over but I am sticking to the general one we are under now.. perhaps that’s why I miss some posts too. Also I think when we post we don’t always get responses and feel like no-one is paying attention to us.. I guess we are sensitive and need reassurance! I only wish I was on your continent and would meet up with you!
    It has taken a long time for you to decide and I guess you are making the decision you believe is best for you! I wish I could too! I really do feel that I am punishing myself by staying as because he won’t talk about It i keep finding anything that lets me hit back I hit back as it’s an opportunity to bring it up.. why I ask myself.. why does anyone want to inflict this pain on themselves?? I don’t know… I think it’s because we will never really know what is true and what is not. For you it is harder having her live so close by.. i on the other hand cannot see her as she lives thousands of miles away! I hate the fact she gets away lightly and I live with this turmoil day in and day out! I have just flown to see my sister for a week and I need this time apart. I think I need it to work out if I can live without him… it’s just so hard because in one way I definitely don’t want to yet in another I feel I have to as how can we continue. I won’t let it die and that’s what will kill us. The fact that I will never know when it really started.. the fact that he says he is sorry for hurting me but i don’t think he is sorry for doing it… because it all comes down to how i was towards him so he didn’t care! I feel like I am a nutcase and don’t know what to do. I wish I had your strength to go and I hope you will keep us updated! If you ever feel like communicating directly ask Jewels for my email.. that way you will have undivided support from me! You really are a strong woman!

  171. Susan, we are proud of you for being so strong in your decision. You made it with much thought and took the time to do what is right for you. We are all behind you 100%. My therapist always says “the best is yet to come” — and I hold onto that thought all the time — and in time, it will reveal itself to me. It has over the years….(although I have taken the bad with the good). 2011 was truly the hardest year of my life — I’m in my late 40s. I’m hoping 2012 will be good to all of us here. I am dreading the next few months of triggers as this is one year ago when everything happened. Starting in a few weeks. I have “cancelled Valentine’s Day” for me. He can do what he wants, but he will not get anything from me except an acknowledgment of the day. I am refusing to this year. It’s just how I feel and that is what I’m doing. We have all learned so much about ourselves in this — and I think we will come out amazed at what we are capable of. I still have the faith. So if God makes things happen for a reason — then I do believe we go through this because the best IS yet to come. We are here. (I think some of the posts on this subject are longer — so I think that is how I missed yours earlier — so I am sorry as well).

  172. Susan what part of California are you coming too? I live near the S.F bay area more east. If your near bye we might be able to chat in person.

  173. Hi Ladies,
    Thank you all for your posts and support. Jewels I needed to take a nap half way thru your incredibly long day! Wow are you busy. I hope you know I didn’t intend to hurt you or anyone else, I was just having a very bad time and I guess quite honestly feeling sorry for myself.
    My sister and I decided it would not work out with me moving in with her. She had said that she wouldn’t tolerate me having any communication with my husband. SO…. I had to pull back and try to explain to her that we are still married and own a house etc… Needless to say I realized moving in there was probably worse than staying here for now. WOW.. I am really proud of myself for not losing my cool with my sister. I feel like she’s a bit off base but hey it is her house after all .
    I have gone from shock, disbelief, anger, despair and more tears . It was brutal packing and separating things and now I’m not leaving. I thought I had a plan in place that God, the universe, my friends everyone thought was good. It seems another plan is coming. I just don’t know when, what or how.
    Last few days have been very dark. I am barely holding on, but I know this will pass. At least lessen in intensity.
    Thanks again everyone for responding so kindly to my emotional post.
    Jewels you are a blessing and it probably did sound as if I’m ungrateful. I am very sorry for that and I ask for your forgiveness. You have built a community here, actually a family and I absolutely know I wouldn’t be able to see any humor in my situation let alone hope without you and everyone else. Thank you

  174. Ladies,
    Got a major surprise yesterday…our niece passed away about a week ago…and my husbands other woman calls him at work to offer her condolences since she had seen her on the obituaries and she read my husbands name…I swear…when will women like her give up…its been over a year ! Apparently she had also called about 3 months ago but my husband wasn’t there..his boss told him that she had called…I sent her a message on FBI asked her give up he doesn’t want anything to do with you…i wish peace in your life and to find somone that makes you happy …she then says i am happy i have a boyfriend…etc,….then I told her if you are so “happy” why are you calling my husband ….I know in my heart he is not cheating…I know the signs know and she is just using our nieces death as a reason to talk to him again…how sad…she then said other things that were lies…said he saw her on a certain date and I know for a fact he was with me…I am amazed at the kind of women that are out there…my husband told his boss and coworkers that if she calls not to give him the phone….She is NOT happy and she is a delusional crazy B$%#&!

  175. Jewels, Oh my friend. You are an AMAZING woman, and are part of all our lives- the good part of course. You have saved many of us from complete emotional breakdowns and given us the confidence to not only tell our own stories, but also help others that have found themselves in similar situations. You have helped us find our voice during this very dark time in many of our lives. Your insight into women is a gift and your ability to give to complete strangers in need is a Godsend. We know you are there, like you said this is a community and we all grow stronger and more self aware daily. Thank you again for your amazing gift – this site, but most importantly thank you for yourself — take care of YOU as you tell us so often. Remember it is all mute and pointless if you let that slide 🙂 We love you — take care of those beautiful babies, take some time out for Jewels, and know the site, the women, and all that other stuff will be here for you when you get back- you brought us together on this journey we are going nowhere without you. Peace and Blessings my friend.

  176. Susan, You are so courageous. Just making the decision to leave is HUGE. You are correct the perfect time and place will reveal itself when it is right. You are so strong- I realized when I decided to stay and work on my marriage that if it ever happened again- that is the deal breaker. I just hope that if that day ever comes (God forbid), that I will draw upon the strength of others like you to help me take that first step. I too am sorry that your first post was over looked, but it was valid– we all do need each other– we do need to know someone out there is hearing our cries for support in both the good and bad times in this recovery process. As you wait for your exit to reveal itself to you, know we are here– I have a box on my desk at work that has this saying on it “Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside of you greater than any obstacle.” I just love being reminded of that- stay strong- Hugs

    1. Hello Everyone!

      Sonia/JB/Susan

      Sonia – Sorry to hear about your niece. Yes, sometimes even after it’s over, they still reach out, just because. And unfortunately, you can not control crazy lol! It seems like your husband is doing the right thing and keeping you informed (that is how you are finding out right?) This is also why it’s so important for husband’s to work on themselves, so that when they get calls, offers, etc. from other women, they learn how to deal with it and not fall into temptation. Not surprised by her lies, affairs are based off of lies, so it seems like she is continuing. Take Care, I wish better days for you!

      JB – Thanks for your support – Yes you are right, I need to put myself first when it comes to getting proper rest. I know this might sound crazy, but negative emotions arise from me when I get tired, I think ‘really, now, I still have things to do!’. But I have to stop this behavior because the lack of sleep does catch up and leaves me drained for a week. I need to listen to my body, welcome tiredness instead of fighting against it and accept that things will get done in perfect time and order. Ah….I think this will be my new daily affirmation to help me with this, thanks for your response, it is helping me tremendously (and I will be going out tonight – dinner and drinks with girlfriends!)

      Susan – You did not hurt or offend anyone with your post, I was actually glad that you felt you could be honest, I would of MUCH rather you posted it than for you to hold it inside. And your post really helped me, because if you didn’t write the comment, I wouldn’t of wrote my comment, in which JB replied and helped me work through an issue of my own – so it’s all love – really!!

      I am sorry that moving in with your sister did not work out. That is unfortunate that she feels so strongly about you talking with your husband, if she only knew how much you have been through with him. But if it didn’t happen, it wasn’t suppose to happen. Imagine going there and having your sister make you feel bad as a guest, that would not be cool at all. I take nothing back from what I said before. I am happy for you. And I believe that people see what they are open to seeing. And I think since you are open to the possibility of moving out, you will start to see opportunities unfold before your eyes – exciting!

  177. Jewels, glad you got out and did something fun– we have to feed our souls. As a mother of two myself, I can tell you that while your children will grow and need less of you physically– they require so much more mentally as they grow into teenagers. So don’t get too worn down while they are young 🙂 My friend you will need all that energy later to feed your brain to stay one step ahead of them.. parenting– the most tiring job on earth but also — life’s greatest joy!! 🙂 Have a great rest of your weekend.

  178. Greetings Ladies
    Once again I see the sight is busy… sad but good at the same time as this really is probably the only way we can vent our feelings for a lot of us as many of us have no one else to talk to! I sure know it helps me by writing it down as it gets rid of some of the anger! I am away at the moment visiting my sister in another country and before I left I had a meltdown as it is the first time i will have been away since the “incident” and I was stressed beyond stressed thinking of what he may be up to when I am gone.. will he be ringing her.. emailing her.. openly as he has a house to himself?? I know he can’t see her but will they be on skype etc.. it was driving me demented so I already left home in tears! Since being away I have just gone on a total downer and each time he doesn’t do something I expect I flip out more! Things like I would expect ..an odd text saying I love you.. something… i would expect a text in the morning and not at half one in the afternoon and that just sets me off thinking who is preoccupying his mind till then. Am I not worth thinking about earlier or only until he gets bored and then remembers me? I expect him to be doing all the things I would be doing but because he doesn’t and because he doesn’t think like me I got off on a wobbly! I can’t help it.. I go mental.. I say horrible things.. we fight back and forth and he says no matter what he does it is never good enough and i say that’s because I am practically saying anytime he does do something for me it’s because I have to point him in that direction or spell it out!!!!!!!! Why oh why can’t he think for himself what I need to hear? How hard is it? How stupid is he? I get sooo mad that I want to leave but again I just can’t seem to take that step yet he keeps saying if we’re apart maybe we should stay apart and see do i start feeling better by not seeing him.. and take it from there. So that reads to me that he wants to go and is just waiting for me to say go so that way he can say he didn’t walk out!!! I am sooo sick of this … i can’t believe the stress this has caused me and i can’t believe the fact that he thought it wouldn’t.. how stupid could he have been??!! I know we can’t change what has happened but I can’t get past it.. i just can’t… i can’t believe he thought it would be ok.. i just can’t… i know we weren’t happy but by god you just don’t do that to someone.. you just don’t!!! I don’t feel like i will ever be better… and Jewels.. you say about people being suicidal.. well i can tell you i have been that plenty of times… it’s unreal how some insensitive idiot can drive you to that point…. there really are days i just think i will never get through this.. how will it get better… it’s affecting our whole life.. my daughter is having to deal with my breakdown as well and i feel awful for her but i say things to her in anger too and problem is once said you can’t take it back! I wish i could just leave.. get on a plane… go somewhere new and start over where no one knows me… i just wish i had the guts to do it!!! I have a new job starting soon and I am really holding out for that.. that it will give me a bit of sanity with new things to learn and new people to meet. As it is not close to home I may look for somewhere to rent as probably cost me the same as it would in petrol and then I will be away for some days of the week and maybe that will help.. i don’t know.. because at the same time it’s when I am away that I go downhill.. I can’t stand this pathetic side of me..I am usually strong and can’t understand why I never followed that path when I found out and kicked him out?? I do think it would have been easier because what we deal with in staying is ten times harder than leaving when we found out! Those of you who give it a go then leave cannot ever be faulted or said to be weak as it takes more strength mentally to stand by these idiots that we love to inflict this pain on ourselves!! Okay enough of my rant for the day! Thanx girls!

  179. Oh Mitch, I feel your anxiety. I’m so pathetic that my husband forwarded an email from a vendor asking him to go out to dinner next week as he will be in from out of town. I got nervous and shaky. He has not gone out after work since DDay — and I had to voice my opinion that I prefer he didn’t go — and I told him why . …. it was one year ago that he had “work-related after-work events” on his calendar that ended up being lies. While he was never that late coming home, he would leave work at 4pm to drive her to her car — 20 miles out of the way. He was ok with not going, but seriously, WHY would he even go there during this time? I have told him that the next couple of months would be so hard for me. His A started at the end of January last year — and I discovered it in mid-March. Emotional (L word) plus making out in our car — hadn’t slept together yet — but I know she was trying to figure out a day when they could as she was married with a child at home. So they created work events I guess. UGH. Despite all of the progress, I feel like such a loser that I still have these trust issues that rip me to the core — I don’t think they will ever subside. Mitch — it’s exactly what you say — staying takes so much strength. Hope you all have a great day — Susan — hope you are doing ok.

  180. Hi Ladies
    Ella
    My heart broke for you as I read your last post. YOU ARE NOT A LOSER.. Not in anyway and having a lack of trust for your husband is a very healthy response. HE has earned your mistrust. Break it down 1. He went thru the pre contemplative stage in making the decision to BEGIN the inappropriate interactions with her 2. He then acted on those decisions. 3. He lied to you everyday from those days until mid-March and probably beyond. Everyday since the day he starting thinking about her he was lying and betraying and breaking his marriage vows. I know how hard that is to face and I don’t want to hurt you further, I am saying it so directly in love. He did those things, you were all in in your marriage, that means you blindly trusted him to be your husband and a man of integrity in all his actions and interactions with others. That is the sacred covenant of a marriage. He chose to break that. No matter how hard it hurts we have to keep telling ourselves it iour husbands bad behaviors and character flaws. Not ours, not in anyway shape or form. Please please don’t be so hard on yourself(I know easier said than done) I think seeing each other voice the things we all feel is the beauty of this site. I can say don’t do those things and learn how damaging they’ve been to me at the same time. You are a kind and good woman. Don’t let this awful time tell you any different. Anniversary dates are a terrible time. That is the result of this being a truly traumatic event, your world and your marriage were forever changed and that is nothing to take lightly. Our hearts and spirit have been ravaged. I don’t know for me it helps me to break it down and “normalize” it . It doesn’t stop the pain but it does slightly diminish the self bashing.
    Mitch
    I posted a note to you on the other thread about progression. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. You are where you are on your journey and no matter how painful it is exactly where your supposed to be. Not crying everyday is progress. I cried this morning for all of us and that’s ok. We aren’t heartless selfish people like our husbands and the OW’S. I am thankful for that, I don’t like how this has changed me but at the same time I am so thankful my character is not a flawed as theirs.
    I’m thinking of you two and sending my love.

  181. Susan — thank you for your response. I know deep down I’m not the problem –but the fact that I have chosen to stay with someone who could do this to me is probably the real issue here. I do love him — but it’s definitely not blind anymore and really not the same — I’m not ALL in now. Part of me is now looking only after me and the once totally giving person is holding back now for my own interests. So that has changed me — I guess for the better — but it feels different. I don’t want to have these feelings — though I know they are normal. We are victims of abuse in a way — and why would I stay with my abuser. Because of the points that you made. … they made conscious decisions — my husband said it was a horrible mistake. I said — no, a mistake would have been (while still not good) — a one night stand while you were in a totally drunken stupor — this was a deliberate action on your part over time — and you chose to lie to my face and you chose the other path. That wasn’t a mistake over the long haul — that was just plain bad character. And I’m now speaking my mind more than ever — rather than holding it in — we are both conflict avoiders — that is part of the problem — we wouldn’t talk about any issues we had with each other. So we will go on from here — he is doing the right things with remorse, counseling, making an effort to plan events for us, open book on phone, email and voicemail — but who knows — I don’t know how they go cold turkey — do they really??? Anyway — I hope everyone is doing ok. Susan you are right when you say that we can all find pieces of ourself in these posts. We are normal and good people and will get through this — however God wants us to.

    1. Mitch/Ella

      Hello Mitch,

      I am glad you have some time away but sad to hear that you feel that you can not relax because you are not sure what he is doing. I really hope that you do something that puts a smile on your face while you are away, in order for that to happen, you have to take the focus off of your husband for a few moments in order to think about what you can do that would put a smile on your face, might as well do it now, especially since he is not around. The image I see is that your husband is relaxing and enjoying himself (not with the OW but just enjoying himself) and you are not, and that is no fun, I do not like that image (:. If you end up doing a couple of fun things with your sister, please do share, I would like to hear about it (smile)!

      Ella,

      You mentioned that you are speaking your mind more than ever. I do the same, in all aspects of my life. It’s almost as if I feel that since I felt I was wronged in such a bad way, I don’t want anyone else to ever think that they will get over on me. So I am a little bit more vocal and assertive if I do not feel something is right. That is interesting that you feel the same way as well. As far as you marriage, I do not know if the feelings will ever go away, but if you plan to stay married there should be upward progression, taking steps back in the process is totally normal, but you and your husband should be slowly building that foundation of trust. It takes time, that is the thing. We are not use to the time, we live in a quick society so I did the same thing, beat myself up, why am I still dealing with this a year later!! But I changed and started to pump myself up and say, I am exactly where I need to be in my life right now (which at the time was 1.5 years later, still living with my husband), let me absorb it, feel it, and trust that if I decide something, it is right choice for everyone. I wish you well!!

  182. Ella & Susan and Jewels
    Thanks guys for all your support! I know we are all in the same boat and we all give each other the right advice.. the advice we would give if we were responding… as I think we all know the answers to our questions but still have to keep asking them!! Ella… I really feel your pain with the “anniversary”. It certainly is a time when you do not need any extra reminders or fuel for the fire in you hubby asking about going on a work outing… really…. very insensitive.. but then.. we already know they don’t have a full brain to work with!! None of us are loosers…. they are… they could have lost us.. some have already lost their wives so was it really worth it?!! We’re bloody super hero’s!! I guess we could start a new line or super hero clothing.. now there’s an opportunity if I ever saw one but maybe we wouldn’t be allowed out in public with some of the sayings we would print on them …!! Although maybe that’s what we need.. public humiliation..their public humiliation…. make them wear the outfits with Hi I’m a Looser as I Cheated on my Wife!!!!! or… I must have a small winky and needed my ego boosting so i cheated on my wife!! Didn’t make my winky bigger but sure made my balls smaller!!!!!!!!! If only……
    You also mentioned that its like living with your abuser.. ha… i said those exact words to him months ago and as I was abused when I was younger and he is the only one that knows that.. he was mortified that I could put him in that category as he was always upset that it happened to me… but as I said to him.. how is it any different.. it is like living with your abuser.. you did something so awful that can never be changed and I have to live with it forever.. not you.. because no matter what he says or how sorry he is.. his thoughts of the affair will always – always be happy ones.. that can’t and wont change no matter how remorseful they are.. that’s a fact.. but that’s not the thoughts we have to live with.. as you said this was not a one night stand.. it is something they did over time.. took the time to think about it.. connect with them on a daily basis.. and eventually lead to sex… it was not just a passing thought.. so in all this time when we think back as to their euphoria at daily communications etc how do we get that out our heads???? Ok.. so maybe in time it will subside… i sure as shit hope so as the washing machine effect in my brain is driving me dilly!!!!!! I can’t believe the awful week away that I had.. the whole breakdown again.. the pleading for little signs of emotion to come from him and when it doesnt the rage that builds up again. I think.. you hear me crying.. you hear me upset.. you know the little things i want that cost him not a thought and can he do them…. noooooooo….. when i went to catch my flight yesterday does he send a text saying luv you?? nooo….. just have a good trip… arrrggghhh rage… rage…rage.. so i ask myself what the hell does it take to make him say it.. and when i say he doesn’t love me because he can’t think to say it he says it’s crap and he does and bla bla bla… well then.. why don’t you just bloody say it.. is it that hard?? Oh my god.. i swear I am coming back as a man to teach men on how to be bloody sensitive and romantic without very little thought at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    When I was away he was saying do I want to stay away but when I see him I know I don’t but I just still don’t get how it has affected him so little. Again.. the rage begins… argh… my daughter said I should take up boxing but then I may just kill him!!!!!! Better stick to baking!!!
    Susan.. you are right… there is progression and we should acknowledge and embrace it.. even if it is just a case of not crying every day!!!! Thanks for all your kind words!! I guess at the end of the day for all of us it’s a case of accepting what happened and just learning to deal with it. How long it takes I do not know but from reading on this site I can see it aint over in a jiffy so where the roller coaster may slow down at times… i don’t think it will ever stop long enough for us to get off it until we are ready! ! Onwards and upwards eh!!!!!
    Jewels.. once again thanks for your input. Unfortunately I did not do anything fun in London… I was more with my mom who is 84 and took her out for tea and cake etc as normally she has no company during the day. In the evenings when my sister is home we all just stay in… very boring… that’s also the problem.. we need to get on with life.. as i said to her .. with her clear scans she has a new lease on life for now so make the most of it and stop wasting it by doing nothing… guess I should follow my own advice. I did a bit of baking for them while I was there.. trying new things.. actually I am a crap cook and nothing comes out right when I bake it but I just keep inflicting my non culinary skills on everyone and they still eat it anyway.. ha ha… but I find when i am baking.. cleaning etc it leaves my mind free to think… bad…. coz what does it focus on… hmmm… no prize for guessing there guys!! I try do jigsaw puzzles as then I really have to try and focus on the pieces and doesnt leave too much space in the brain for other activities so maybe I shall continue on the one I am doing at the moment!
    When i came home yesterday he met me at the airport with a small bunch of flowers.. something he never does.. and bought me some nibblies of a south african nature which is hard to get where I live.. something he never does.. and I really did appreciate it all. He did try avoid all talk of breakdown and that’s what gets me.. he just brushes it aside.. each day when he did call he would say are you feeling better.. as it.. fek i hope she’s bloody cured… but as I said to him.. some days I felt better but it wasn’t like taking a tablet and it will be gone.. it won’t.. i can’t help bringing it up, I just do and I think it is because it is never talked about properly.. always bits and pieces.. so i am going to take him for a walk this weekend and talk and make him listen.. even if I have to push him over and sit on him till i am finished!!!!!!! Will it make me feel better.. i don’t know because as he says even if he tells me the truth I don’t believe it but then he also says he doesn’t want to tell me the truth so again i am lost as in has he told me or not???!!! Okay… I leave it at that today.. and see what the weekend brings forth!!! Have a good one girls.. as best you can and Ella… Happy Birthday for whenever it is… I would send you a cake but it would be detrimental to your health! x

  183. Mitch- Thank you for the laughs – it is just what I needed today. I love your idea for the t-shirt company. I will invest 🙂 sign me up. I also am a terrible cook- so here is another idea– “The angry baker” sounds like a game show- put a bunch of angry women in the kitchen to get rid of the stress– I’d participate in that one too–now that is a Bake-off they should put on TV–bet it would get millions of viewers 🙂

    I agree with all of you progress is progress and no matter how small or big- we are all moving and that is the important part. I too have good and bad days, I know it has gotten less emotional on the outside- I mean the crying, shaking, screaming– but like you said Mitch there are moments of pure rage that just pop in and scare you to death- fortunately we all have our tools– baking, running, puzzles, yoga, etc… the fact that this happens to all of us from time to time- must just be those little things that are still unresolved and it is our bodies and minds telling us to keep pushing forward and we aren’t quite there yet. I feel so fortunate that I have all of you to vent to –everyday if I needed it– Thank you all for being here. This week for me has been so busy and full of motion (literally– lots of driving, moving kids around, work, trips, projects, cleaning, etc….) I think I just wore myself out and when I am tired I really get emotional. I too am so sad that for the rest of my life my marriage will have this scar — I hate that– I am sad that I am not the only one to have touched my husband in the last 25 years- and that I am not the only woman he has touched!– I am sad that I had to feel so much pain because of his bad behavior-I am sad that I have days when it seems nothing is quite right, but I can’t put my finger on why- I am sad that when I look at my daughter that his affair touched her life as well- but I am also grateful for many things– and those are the things that I continue to focus on — during weeks like this. I am grateful for the new honesty in our marriage- the new open communication that we have found together– the amazing sex–the 15 pounds that I lost because of this whole ordeal– my new confidence in myself that I am stronger than I ever thought– and I am grateful for the opportunity to build a marriage that is worthy of me– I have found out so many things about myself during this process that I was either too scared to admit or just too busy to stop and focus on. It has been a roller coaster–and I love roller coasters– but not this one. It has been a painful ride as you all know so well. These struggles that we face as women are HARD–but I feel like we are now enlightened women –truly wiser for what we have gone through and for that I say YEA! for US!! Women do make the world go round. Stay positive and strong my friends and thanks for letting me vent- once again. Hugs to everyone.

  184. that was just beautiful JB. Wish i had what you have…u selling it?? ha!

    Mitch: you have a great sense of humor when you find it. I feel your pain and your story is similar to mine but, please remember NO MAN is ever worth suicide for. Think of some hot famous actor and replace the hotness with your husband,,,,you will change your thoughts real fast. I know this ‘limbo” period, as i call it, sucks! I was called the crazy lady, i swear but, somehow i had to pull my self up (especially for me and my kid, which too has affected her deeply) crazy or not that day and carry on…for me and my daughter. How dare he take away my sanity and cause more pain on this family! DONT GIVE HIM THE POWER ANY MORE IN YOUR MIND—NONE OF THEM ARE WORTH THAT POWER THAT POLLUTES our thinking. Stay strong girl….have a cocktail with the girls and maybe you will admire some hot guy, just for the moment to make you smile! hugs to you and your child–and a great big group hug from all of us. We are here for each other, I should change my obvious name in case his divorce atty is searching online. All he can get is a truthful earfull anyway. I’m not worried. Ive called him every name in the book–he laughs….tells me ‘quit bothering me and quit calling me”,,,,so arrogantly. And he aint that great in bed either!!! ha ah!!!

  185. JB…hi Jb.. am sooo glad you got a laugh… i don’t always know what I am writing and do tend to normally write on the comical side, however, I don’t often realise that I am.. it’s only when my pals email me back saying what a good giggle they had! Good.. i am glad.. as I am quite funny… generally always happy and smiling.. even if crying on the inside! I am one of those sado’s at work that everyone always asks how do I keep my calm and am always happy.. it’s not normal.. but to me it is.. that’s just how I am.! As for “The Angry Baker”.. ha ha loved it. I think it’s time to approach Bravo! Forget the Real Housewives.. we are THE REAL Housewives! I concur with everything you said about being sad.. because that really is what it comes down to! I too am sad and not just angry.. sad that i didn’t see the signs.. sad that i wasn’t given a chance to make the decision to stay or leave before he went to extra step… sad too that he has touched someone else and kissed someone else and had sex with the passion I know he has and the gentleness he has not shown me in a looooong time…Sad that we let us get that far apart that we really did not like each other at all! I am not oblivious to the fact that I had plenty of faults.. i don’t deny that at all. We were both stupid.. we both could have tried harder.. not just him but ultimately i do think that as he had someone else in mind he should have tried that little bit harder himself! I told him that he hid his meeting with her the previous year as he knew I would flip if i found out.. but I told him if i had not cared about him or us would I have flipped? no… you can’t be jealous of someone you have no feelings for! There are just too many what if’s and shouldve’s and they are what drive me bonkers!! He also mentioned how come I wasn’t as nutty about his ex girlfriends.. well simple dear… you chose to leave them… this one is different altogether as you have not chosen to leave her.. you had to leave her to save your marriage so there will always be the question in my mind of what his real feelings are! I hope I will get to the stage of gratefulness that you are at sooner rather than later. At the moment instead of being grateful for open communication I am always looking on the suspicious side and saying.. yes.. i have all your passwords now and can check your emails.. phone.. face book etc but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have another one hidden away! On my down days they are all the negative things I focus on! I try to be positive and also say look how much better we are now.. had this not happened we probably wouldn’t be here but then I go straight into had this not happened he would still be “seeing” her! Arghhhhhh!!!!! Bloody hell.. affairs are soooo much effort to deal with!! I question most things he does.. like when he does kiss me.. is it because I expect it or because he wants to? I always feel he does not respond in a passionate way like let’s say you start a kiss on the couch.. it never leads to a deeper kiss.. one that is with passion and wanting more.. it;s like a bloody turtle! Better give her a bit to keep her happy and it’s like mechanical.. hence the turtle or maybe it should be a chameleon.. probably a better description as those are the little feckers that camouflage themselves blending into the background so no one suspects anything and get their prey.. well I wish I was a Preying Mantis so I could bite his bloody head off and be done with him and shout out… Next!!! Ah well.. maybe that’s what I will come back as.. here’s hoping!!! Thanks again for your post.. it was uplifting!
    Wanda.. thanks for yours too… and I know what you mean.. think about a hunk and replace him.. I shall certainly try! And yes .. you are right and mostly logic will prevail that no man is worth suicide.. it’s just when you are down.. rational thinking is not top of the agenda but I clasp the bits that spring to mind and eventually get through it! It’s a selfish stupid thought as it doesn’t affect one person but many and so many times you hear or people committing suicide and I say to myself if I only knew I would have helped them.. how could they be sooo stupid … yet I find myself in that same stupid boat so I do understand! I will just have to remember that eventually this will all fade… in time… it may take lots of it but I just have to remember I will get through it as thousands of other women do to!
    Okey dokey ladies… enough for today.. hope all you other gals are getting along okay and Susan I hope it is still going well for you at home and that you are managing ok after deciding to stay!

  186. Hello to All….
    Ok… Since my last outburst, I caught up with all of the posts… Whew… Alot of reading!!
    Susan, one of my favorite sayings is everything happens for a reason, perhaps you were not meant to leave the household quite yet to live with your sister, as you intended. I couldnt possibly know for sure, but its a saying I use to get through my day… everyday. I hope whether you choose to continue to stay or move out on your own, that you find happiness.
    Mitch, Love the T-shirt idea…. I could think of some other sayings, rather inappropriate ones, words that I shouldnt even admit to having ever said… 🙂
    Ella, Take this for what its worth, in a way we are all losers, We lost our marriage foundation, trust and respect, for our husbands. We lost our life as it was. So yes, in a sense we are losers.
    Jewel… Dont over extend yourself… I think we all understand what it is like dealing with daily issues on top of emotions on top of everything else…. I have said it before, this site is amazing, you do an amazing job… If we dont see you for a few.. it seems we try and help each other in some shape or form… 🙂
    It is so amazing sometimes reading these posts…. Parts of your stories is like reading mine…. Like when Ella said “a mistake would have been (while still not good) — a one night stand while you were in a totally drunken stupor — this was a deliberate action on your part over time — and you chose to lie to my face and you chose the other path” Sooooooo true… Although the A with my husband lasted for about a year and a half, they had intercourse twice, and that was the last month before I found out… That being said ( not like it makes it better) The 2nd time they had sex was the night he wanted to meet her to “break it off” and that 2nd night is what KILLS me the most out of all of this…. He called it a mistake… I 100% agree with Ella… It wasnt a mistake…. he F****D up…. plain and simple!!! a mistake is when you add 1+1 and get 4. UGH!
    That being said though… Lately I have been having an outburst about twice a week… breakdown, cry, vent…. He does seem very remorseful…. says over and over how sorry he is that he ever made the decision not to talk to me before anything ever happened…. blah blah blah blah… Thats what I hear… I still want him to admit to me he had feelings for her… Which he wont, he denies… but how do you sit and talk with someone… for a year, telling her all your woes so she feels sorry for you, start touching her inappropriately on the basis she wanted to prove she kissed better than ME!!! DUH!!! REALLY!!! Ok… This post was really supposed to be a positive post……….
    Ok… Let me start again… Right at this moment, I cannot say I am truly happy, but I know my H is trying very hard to please me in every aspect. I just wanted to share something… I woke up the other day, and signed on to my facebook ( I am an addict, especially since finding out) but anyhow… back to the story… facebook… I look at my page and I was tagged in a picture… so I looked, and he had like 5 or 6 different pictures of bunches of flowers, that he wrote “almost as beautiful as my wife” (fanning face trying not to cry while writing this) I think I am seeing my “old” husband… the one who did sweet, inexpensive things for me… See he KNOWS I dont like him buying me flowers… I think its a waste of money.. Years ago, he used to bring me flowers… but they were from what they were going to throw away at my job… he picked the best of the worst… and I LOVED it!!! they threw away good flowers.. if they werent perfect… well, my husband made them perfect for me… He hasnt done that in a long time… so the flowers are really significant to me….Also I think this last month, I have learned more about my h than I have in the last 10 years we have been together…. Amazing how you thought you knew someone…. and really dont.. How did we make it these last years? I hope that we both have learned from this… I hope that things keep moving in a positive direction.. I hope that he continues to show me how much he loves me… I hope that he continues to accept, respect and deal with my outbursts, as frequently or infrequently as they may come….
    And above all…. I just hope that I am not expecting too much!
    Giving all you ladies a Great Big Cyber Hug!!!! 🙂

  187. Hi Rec — just read your post… and wow — I feel exactly the same. And I know you struggle with not hearing that she meant something to him. My H used the L word with one woman, yet denies those were his true feelings. They said that over email more. I think I needed to hear that she meant more to him because then I could justify — ok — he was really in love and was willing to risk it. But when they say they didn’t — then we feel like they did this for some really stupid reason. It’s disrespectul in that the reason wasn’t really worth anything. Does that make sense???? You really can’t control when you fall in love with someone — but if it means nothing then why bother with it? and they did it anyway. The flowers story is cute — so glad that made your heart happy. We all have different things that happened to us — not every story is the same — but the core of it is. My H said that he received a call yesterday from one of his flirtation friends == and he wanted to tell me about it. This call comes 10 months from his bad period and the D Day with the L word woman. (my husband had many female friends who he would email and call — — work friends — but many wanted to cross the line_)She left him a message at work asking for a good reference at a new job and he said it was strange — like she was worried she would get a bad reference if a company called him about her. She opened it with “this is not contact, but …” — so she knows he would flip out — so why would she do it? I guess fear. But also maybe to see if he would call her back. It’s not a big deal, but he came home and wanted to tell me that in person immediately. He has promised he will disclose everything going forward – he knew that the whole thing would come up again last night and probably would be uncomfortable but he said he wants none of this on his conscience and wants to be open. He didn’t respond to her and deleted the message. Has not heard from the L word person — that’s the hard one. I feel like they “won” a piece of our husbands. That’s what stinks. They won a battle but if we can stick it out, we win the war? Although we are wounded and sad we had to fight in one. Nothing feels real good when you look at it that way. Rec, don’t worry about your outbursts — you are entitled to your feelings — you were hurt so badly by him. He has to face the music on this and should be helping you through them. So that’s a good sign if he is trying to help. Glad to hear progress. Every day is a step forward — God knows I don’t want to go backward.

  188. Hi Rec, Ella and all the gang!

    Rec…yes.. i do agree.. we would have plenty other quotes to print on the t-shirts but as we would not wish to be arrested we can’t! unfortunately.. or else I think we would be millionaires in a very short space of time!!!!! I notice when we write we often say ” this was supposed to be a positive post”.. but really.,. it is positive even if we write about all the negatives so never think it isn’t… because just venting is positive! capiche!!!!! As for the H and the flowers.. well.. it proves that miracles do still happen and all men can learn by it! My H did similar a few months ago when he found a few sites with Love Poems on them.. opened them up and left them all on my PC. I thought it was lovely but at the same time I keep thinking “trying too hard” instead of just saying.. how bloody lovely! It’s awful to always feel negative and I hope at some stage I can get round to appreciating the little things he might do in the future and not think their is an ulterior motive!! Like you say I hope they can continue to respect our outburst… we don’t will them on ourselves.. it’s just our minds dealing with our tragedies and that’s that! We were driving home last night and it’ around an hour and a half journey.. we had made it up with no problems but about a half hour from home something flicked the switch and i brought up the bad subject. He said he was timing how long it would take to bring it up! Really! We dont consciously think these things up to have arguments.. triggers happen and we go with it.. we could keep quiet.. but why should we?!!! They caused the mess they have to live in the aftermath.. goes with the territory so that’s that!
    As you said.. they did not make a mistake and as Ella said.. if it meant nothing then why did they bother?? Yes Ella.. it kills me that he will not admit he had feelings.. how stupid do they think we are? If the roles were reversed do they think we would not have had feelings??? This is one of the main points that drives me nuts.. to him it;’s like.. it was nothing.. so it’s like stop making it more than it was.. eh.. duh… a year long “relationship” and it meant nothing? Dumbo written on my forehead?? I think not! Anyways.. you know what.. i aint gonna rant no more today.. I am going to go downstairs and check the fire is still going proving I can light one on my own (with the help of many firelighters) and that I can survive if need be!!!!!! Rec,, I hope you continue to have a lovely weekend with maybe a few more surprises.. isn’t it amazing how something so simple can mean so much? And Ella.. like you.. none of us want to go backwards so onwards and upwards women!!! Hup two three four! Go girls! x

  189. Here I sit again, heartache continues. He has had a affair for 14 years but w/his travel (almost every week) it became in his mind part of his “travel life”. He then reurns home and has his home life. Until the guilt took hold…he spilled. Then we went thru OW-you ect. Spent the holidays what i thought rebuilding w/me, only to find he continued his addiction to the OW. Yes, I had to find out the hard way…painful.
    He then had to admit AGAIN to me. Then off he went another “business trip”. He then felt he had to make a decision. I began to have terrible panic attacks and I reached out to him. He then led me on for 3 days telling me was retuning for the right reasons. Then calls me and over the phone tells me he can not come home for the right reasons. Coward…could not face me, even! My world AGAIN shattered. He then throws some collaberative divorce thought. REALLY? He cheats on me for 14yrs and thinks we will be able to have a Mr. Rogers divorce after 30 yrs? Notta!! He also thinks we can co-exsist in our home for a time. NOTTA again. Seeing him just intensify’s the pain. My plan is to ask him to gather his personal things and if he needs to be here to work on cars, home projects he notify me first so i can make a plan for myself to not be here. What is also sad…other than our 3 boys he only has his mom. All his friends were my family or friends…he has lost them all. So for now I will let him suffer in his choices. I am not ready to go into a divorce as, I really feel he is conflicted. So feeling his choices is all I can do for him now and I need to what is best for me. Unfortunetly, I do not feel it is best for me as I love this man but these are his choices he made, he involved me in a triangle I knew nothing about so now he can feel the effects of his STUPID choices! I will try to survive however this is the hardest thing ever. The counselor I see, told me what he is causing me is emotional holocaust. The grief would be easier to deal with if it was death. Guess it would be closure? But the grief I feel seems just like that and worse. My boys all left for school this week and my husband is gone now too. Painful!! I am not ready to face the “D” yet. I can only hope he can feel and see what he has done. Now I have to find a way to survive, everyone says do what is best for me? Well I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THAT IS, as a wife and a mom (okay 1st gr. teacher too). I have no idea what is best for ME?? Not an easy thing to do….

  190. Carrie… I read your post and all that came to mind is WOW! No one can know whats best for you but you, That being said, Im gonna give you my advice. I will not say to do whats best for you, what I will say is, You need to take care of you. I’m not really clear if you truly know what you want, from your post. You say you dont want a divorce, but you also said you do not want to see him. I dont think it is fair for you to wait for him to make decisions, I think he unfairly made enough without your input. It almost seems that your H needs to be in some serious counseling, and also needs to admit to himself that there is an issue with himself. But these are my thoughts.. not intended to offend anyone. So with that I hope it doesnt.

  191. I just want to say that I’ve been in the same place as many of you and want to also say that you are not alone in walking through this. I will be praying for God’s peace in each of your lives and that he will guide you through your healing…with or without your spouse.

    1. Hello ladies,

      I hope everyone is doing better than the day before…

      Amber – Thanks for the positive message and your support!

      Carrie – You are at a pivotal time in your life, your kids and husband are not around. Use this time to discover yourself, like REC said, focus on you for a change, what you want, with the boys gone, you have some time on your hands, use this time to explore, imagine, dream again. If you use it to focus on the pain you are going to be miserable. Once you start focusing on yourself, the path and the next steps will become more clear.

      REC – loved every bit of your update, especially the fb story and what you wrote about learning more about your husband in the last month than in the last 10 years, such a good sign, everyone who stays and is happy comment on how much they learned about each other, so even though things are not perfect, it seems like you are headed in a good direction, which is wonderful.

      Take Care everyone – hugs!

  192. Ella… I have been thinking about you and wondering how you have gotten through the last few weeks seeing as it was the “anniversary” and I aint seen no posts. You may be posting on other threads but I tend to keep to this one. I don’t know where I also read it was your birthday.. maybe am wrong.. but if it was I hope it was in some way enjoyable!
    Carrie.. all i can say is WoW! I hope you take the time to think as like you say you don’t know what is best for you.. don’t rush.. all in good time!
    Hi to everyone else.. I am not writing a novel today(thank fek says you lot!!) but think of you all. x

  193. Hi Ladies — Mitch – that is so nice that you asked how I was doing. How are you doing??? We were away for a long weekend (his business) — so it was ok, but I’m ready to go through the real triggers of Valentine’s Day — I can’t even watch commercials for it. How sad is that? I’m not even acknowledging it — doesn’t mean anything now. How can you have two Valentines when you are married right? My birthday is coming up — but last year I celebrated it just after finding out – -so not much celebration. D Day was mid-March. Some days are good when we are just focussing on healing — Other days I still get SOOO mad that it happened and still don’t trust completely – -I guess that is the new reality. I still wonder if I should have stayed or left at times. I think about other life adventures that would have come my way without him. And maybe with a more free spirit. I’m just not sure how good I can feel staying with someone who can betray and lie like that. I know we are all human — but I do struggle even to this day. And there are some days when I really see the weaknesses in my husband — and how some other men may have different qualities. I know I will be ok either way and that is more healing than anything. I can go either way and know I will be ok……. The hurt has subsided — it’s more about the disrespect now. And more about if I respect myself and my decision……Ahhh — so much to think about. Thank you for your thoughts — they will help me get through the next month and a half.

  194. Greetings Ella – one and all…
    Was good to hear you got through the “anniversary” ok.. at least it’s a step forward.. no matter how many steps we still take backwards!! It’s crap that you had your b’day just after.. crap crap crap… mine was the same and I said to him don’t bother spending money on me trying to buy something nice as it will mean nothing. For years we stopped spending on birthdays – we would only spend something stupid like lets say 10 dollars.. make it a challenge.. go to the dollar shop etc.. as we used to spend so much in the beginning till you realise it really is a waste of money. We always had more fun this way. I would say buy me something I really want but would never buy.. a spoon for cooking.. a slab of chocolate – not a box – a lipstick – stupid stuff but at least i knew i would use it instead of putting it aside or it’s something I didn’t really like! Much more fun. anyway.. he was trying to buy a holiday etc but there was no point… spending money on me wasn’t going to make it better – bloody hell.. sometimes I wish I was one of the Real Housewives of Beverley Hills where money really is more important!! Ah well… maybe next time round! Anyway…. back to you.. hopefully this b’day will be a bit better but it will be a long time till it’s much better.. it’s just the way it is now and that’s that! It’s crap as well about Valentine’s day – stupid St valentine inventing this day!!!!!!! Every day should be bloody valentines!!!!!! Stooopid husband’s for having other valentines even if they say they didn’t… like mine.. mr unromantic when he wants to be .. however.. i know full well St V day did not pass without any lovely comments between the two of them! El stooopido is not my middle name – well not this week at least! I guess we will always get mad.. i saw hubby on his PC the other day.. one he doesn’t use much and there was me.. straight away searching through it again and through the pics to see if something is there that I missed… it’s crazy.. drives you mental!!! argh!!!!!!!!!! Then that sets you off for the night…. Triggers… stupid triggers!!! You are right.. should we have left.. who knows.. but if we didn’t stay we would always be wondering should we have.. this way no matter how it turns out we won’t be questioning the what if! Right ho.. enough for now.. take care.. chat later!! x

  195. Ella…girls . another thought just popped into my weee little head again so thought I may as well share.. you know when women say it’s easier to deal with someone dying than a husband having an affair.. I realise how true it is because when someone dies you can still talk about them.. you see pictures of them and can talk about them.. you can discuss them with your husband… etc etc etc however.. when your husband hurts you in one of the worst possible ways ever – mentally and emotionally – you can’t talk about – it’s taboo! You have to sweep it under the carpet and move on! As time goes by I think my hubby thinks because I have a day/week that I don’t mention it – all is getting better – she’s forgetting – yippeeee – but the stupid wally’s don’t realise those thoughts are there every day and nearly every day is a struggle not to mention it! And when I do bring it up you can nearly see the terror on his face… uh oh.. here we go again… mental breakdown about to occur!! How do you get over your husband loving someone else.. touching them.. sleeping with them… having “meaningful ” conversations with them behind your back in your own home while you are in the same room at the time…. i don’t know how you get past that.. i sure as shit know you don’t forget it and there is always.. always something that reminds me of it even 8 months later! ” Time heals all ” says some bloody smarty pants… they just never specified how much time!

    1. Hello Mitch,

      I think your comment is spot on, everyone comes to your aid in such a tragic situation as death. People fall over themselves to help and make sure you do not feel alone. But cheating – husbands do not want you to share, and part of you is embarrassed to share as well, so it is extremely stressful to deal with this type of situation alone. Once I started opening up to people, I was amazed at how common this way, it was like everyone had a cheating story, and relating to others in person and on this site helped. But I agree about why it is more difficult. I hope that everyone is doing better than the day before. Take Care.

  196. Hi Mitch and Jewels – I agree Mitch, it’s much harder to deal with. Death is also a part of life and has to do with God. Affairs have to do with the devil – they are evil — so of course it’s much harder for us — and yes, taboo. I do think it’s more common — I have not been good at telling anyone else. I have “hinted” that things were rocky between us — but never “went there” — other than with two of my childhood friends. But I hear cheating stories much more frequently now. It’s the age group — 40s/early 50s I think is sooo prevalent. It’s such a lonely place – thankfully this site is here to help us really get our feelings out. I’m still a bit guarded with my friends since I have decided to stay. Dreading tomorrow. I did not get my husband a card and am not sure if I should or not. I can’t believe that I would allow two people — my husband and OW (who I don’t even know) — to ruin a cute holiday. — One that I should be joyful about. It really ticks me off. So maybe I could look at it as a new beginning — I don’t know. But I can’t even look at anything in the store. Not this year. Too fresh. Mitch I don’t know how you do it being that you have your own home as a trigger — you are VERY strong — don’t ever worry about your feelings or getting them out there. My husband is truly trying to make things right. He is planning events and trips and taking me along on business trips. We are talking much much more in an open way. So I’m thankful for that — I want to move on — but some days I get stuck thinking about the shock of what he did and could he do it again. So you never know the whole truth I guess. That is what is hard — it’s not black and white. I hope everyone has a good week. I draw comfort from this site — so I hope we all get through this week ok…… Hugs to all.

  197. Ella & Jewels

    Nice responses ladies..thanks! You are both right.. it;s good to talk about it and the only way I can is on your site Jewels.. so thanks for that! I can’t tell friends because as you say I feel ashamed… ashamed more so that I am staying than what he did.. ashamed that people would think how pathetic I am for staying and not seeing how much harder it is to stay than walk away. I told my “best friend” here and I wish i never had as I feel when I do talk to her about things we are doing I feel there is a snigger behind the response. Or she makes it sound silly like oooooh.. holding hands are we? etc so now I say nothing and just go all is ok as ok can be.. i don’t say when we are romantic.. or if he kissed me or if we fight as although she is my friend she is not the same kind of true friends I had back home. I guess I worry that telling others they would have the same response, hence this site is my one and only outlet.. besides my husband when the melt downs occur!!!!!
    Ella.. you are right in that you do hear more and more about people having affairs now that we are in that select group! We are far from alone that’s for sure! I know this whole holiday valentine day is fecked up now.. but to us girls it always means something so you know I think that your relationship really does sound like it is making good progress.. even with setbacks as that is allowed.. but as you say he is trying and you see it as going forward so i think you should get a card.. or rather make one.. don’t pick a cliché .. write your own.. plain and simple.. to the point but from your heart!! If you don’t you may feel later you should have got a card but can’t go back and change it.. this way get/make the card and if later you feel you shouldn’t have you can rip it up!!! I just feel by making your own it’s that more meaningful.. i am by far not very artistic but i used to make my hubby b.day cards.. silly ones.. same with the kids and they got great fun in receiving them!!!! draw a funny face on it.. stick a photo on it… do it on a “post it ” … go with whatever you feel… it might be rewarding!!! Either way… happy valentines to you all even if that sounds weird!!!!

  198. Wow — Mitch – thank you for the support. I WILL make my own card. Hallmark probably isn’t going to “capture” my feelings quite accurately I’m sure. Ha Ha. But I like that idea. ALOT! I would feel guilty not getting him one — now that was a mouthful. We are put in the crappiest position of all and yet we feel badly. I told him not to expect one — that was last month during a meltdown — he and I went out on Valentine’s day – but the following day he got a freakin limo and gave her a ride to her car in it — they had some cheap champagne and exchanged gifts and listened to cds. It makes me vomit. I still have a hard time listening to music with him as we used to when we dated, but it turned to sports talk after we married. When he met that &*(( they listened to music again — and he missed that. Oh well. Moving forward, not backward anymore. I’m SO tired of feeling badly — I want to laugh and feel joy — and happiness does come from within, so I”m not relying on him to make me happy — Hope you all have a good day — yes — in that weird way. Taking care of ourselves is the best gift of all.

  199. Ella, Rec, Susan, Judy, Jewels.. and all the Gang!

    Happy valentines to you all.. no matter where you stand right now.. we are in our own little club so whether he loves you or vice verse or if we think does he or not… dont forget you are not alone and someone cares.. in fact lots of us care so to you all.. Happy Valentines from Limbo Land!!

  200. Ella

    I am sooo glad you liked the idea and no matter what happens I hope you got some enjoyment from making your card!! As you said Hallmark won’t quite capture it.. so perhaps there’s another business venture to add to the “I have angry feelings towards my husband” club!! haha…. I have to say I surely understand why this day is not going to be easy for you.. that’s just crap what happened! You know.. it’s funny how he enjoyed listening to music with her.. well why couldn’t he have done that again with you if it was something he missed?? My husband said to me the other night while the 2 of us were sitting in the lounge watching a movie and also doing my jigsaw puzzle (a verrreeeee frustrating one i might add!) “you know you are right.. we have wasted so much time when we could have been doing this.. it’s just nice”… well why didn’t he bloody try and do that and fix it with his wife instead of looking elsewhere!!!!!!!! Ok.. I aint gonna harp on about the negatives today.. I don’t wanna add to your negative thoughts but rather encourage your positive ones and your creative skills and hope today goes well for you as well as tomorrow!!!!!!
    Happy thoughts from across the ocean!!!!

  201. Hi all,
    Well Mitch – -I loved your idea — but ended up not following through. Somehow there was nothing that came to my mind but ugly thoughts. I am with my husband and am really trying as well — but part of my love is lost — the innocent love that loved him unconditionally. I had warned him I would not give him anything so it didn’t come as a surprise. He did get me a card and my favorite candy from my dog –but he didn’t even mention the holiday to me — probably for fear of a melt-down. I have ignored the whole thing. I’m still so hurt. Today is when he “entertained” her with a limo ride — I’m just sick over it. Have the same moments as you and your puzzle — I just can’t believe it took their crappy actions to get them to realize what they have in front of their faces. I wanted to bring everything back up last night — how he really hurt me — but I didn’t go there — I fell asleep. I guess I’m better today — but not really — still sad. I don’t know how these feelings will go away — I know the pain subsides — and things with him are better in many ways — but they are also different as I’m not as “vested” anymore. I’m more into myself — and that is a positive thing coming from this — part of the lesson I suppose. God gives us what he knows we can handle…..

  202. Greetings Ella

    Good to hear from you! Regarding the card.. if you didn’t feel like doing it then so be it..you do what you feel is right! Remember.. you can make one any day.. not just valentines day! It’s like writing.. its therapeutic for you! It’s our own little form of therapy! I did a short short one with a broken heart on the front.. a mended one inside and basically said don’t break it again ( if it ever gets fixed!) Or Else!! Nothing great.. plain and simple! Does he take note.. probably not! At my hotel they have these little charity boxes on the desk for people to buy sweets and donate and there is one that is a suicide prevention charity and in the box is the loveliest little sentiment. .. well i think it is… it’s like a little drawstring purse with a few bits inside it.. a piece of string.. a marble.. a coin.. a rose.. and on the back of their card this woman wrote that its the survival kit. I can’t remember it all but it;s kinda like this .. here’s a piece of rope so if you feel you at the end of yours here’s some more.. the coin is so you’re never broke and can call someone.. the marble in case you loose your own and the rose to know someone loves you. It’s not the exact wording but i thought how special and it applies to all walks of life.. I bought one for my hubby and he just read it and put it somewhere.. did it mean anything.. no.. probably not.. to me it meant everything I felt and that is why I gave it to him! So do they really care about those ” silly” notions.. i don’t think so and i wonder why I bother.. because Like you ..part of the love is lost and it will never come back.. no matter what! He bought be a box of chocolates but it’s what we agreed on. Was it a special day.. no… it was just another day! For you it is a whole different set of implications and not easy to deal with! Just remember I am thinking of you! And if you ever feel the need to chat just ask Jewels for my email! About them saying how they miss things.. the image of The Flintstones with a big club in hand comes to mind!! Beat the stupid buggers because it’s soooo frustrating that they didn’t bother to try that bit harder! For me.. it’s the biggest problem to deal with.. not being able to change things before he strayed! Had I had the slightest inclination of what might happen things could have been so different.. why when we were away for two days just before he went off to our old country.. did he not hint at it.. or put his arms round me and say let’s talk this out and try and sort us out.. but nooooo… not at