I Won a Personal Battle Today, Some of You Might Be Able To Relate

Unless you’re really new to this site, you probably know that my husband and I are getting a divorce. He is aware of the fact that I am living in the house just until I save enough money to leave (which will be soon). At times, he wants to work things out, and sometimes he even wants to have sex. Both of these things can be hard to deal with, but the main annoyance I’m having while living here is that he is still being controlling.

For example, I am not interested in dating at this point, but if he finds out that I had lunch with a male co-worker, he gets all weird and starts the twenty questions game. He even got contact information for one of my friends and said some mean things to them, all in an attempt to control who I talk to.

Interesting enough, he was super paranoid that I was cheating before I found out he was cheating. Now that I know, I feel like ‘game over’ no need to be controlling about what I talk to and have lunch with. But clearly, he feels differently.

Today, I had to drive his car home from the shop and I found a trigger. (A trigger is basically something that reminds you of a traumatic or tragic experience—in this case, my husband’s affair). You see, when he and the other woman were together, I would find bottles of Red Bull in the house. I guess that she must like it. I haven’t seen any energy drinks there since, but I found several in his car today. Along with the fact that he is constantly in the basement having conversations on his phone, and the fact that I found another Red Bull hidden in the refrigerator, I realized that he is seeing her again. Damn, that hurts.

Now, even though I have told my husband several times that our marriage is over, I still got a little pain in the pit of my stomach. I’m disgusted because I don’t understand why he has to continue to lie to my face and sneak around now that we’re no longer together. Also, it makes me mad that he is still seeing her, but wants to control me and make sure I don’t have any support in my life.

Anyway, my initial reaction was to wait for him to come home and blast him with the news that I knew what is going on, call him a liar, and tell him if he wants to sleep around, then he should stop questioning my every move. I also wanted to tell him that I was glad to be getting divorced from such a compulsive liar.

And then I realized that this wouldn’t do me any good. All it would do is get me worked up, and for what reason? I really no longer care what he does. I am moving on and moving out.

So what did I end up saying to him? I did not say anything at all. I didn’t bring up the energy drinks or the clandestine phone conversations in the basement. I just continued searching for housing, because I know that being in the same house with a person who is constantly lying puts me in a place where I’m constantly getting blasted by bad energy. And I don’t want to deal with that.

The fact that I did not do anything represents a change in me and my attitude. It means that I am moving on and that I have the confidence to choose my battles. I am finally starting to realize that I don’t have to stoop to his level at all, unless I choose to do so. It’s taking me a long time to get here, and I still have a long way to go, but this was definitely a day that I will look back on with pride.

9 thoughts on “I Won a Personal Battle Today, Some of You Might Be Able To Relate”

  1. Hey, thanks for the great post. Honestly, about three months ago I started using the internet and there is so much crap out there. I appreciate that you put excellent content out that is clear and well-written. Good luck and thank you for the great tips.

  2. Hi.. thanks for your post, it helps a lot.. I just found out this morning that my husband is still cheating me.. It’s so difficult.. I don’t know what to do.. I am trying my best to have a clear mind.. maybe you can send some more advices in my email.. I would greatly appreciate it.. It helps a lot to know that there are women here who have overcome the most difficult part of their marriage life with pride.. I’d like to learn that too..

    1. I am so sorry to hear that your husband is still cheating. I remember that day like no other, you literally feel all the emotions that you felt when you first found out, but the second time around it is even worst!! Since you just found out, the best thing for you to do is to take some time to be alone and reflect on the entire situation. Read my free ebook, it will make you feel that you’re not alone and give you some encouragement. It took me a while to get to the point where I am today, but if I can get to a better place, so can you. I wish you all the best, and you’re not alone in this.

  3. Jewels,

    Thank you. I’ve read your book and it really helps a lot. I reread it when I think I need to be reminded again. Then I continue praying. I know God has a better plan for me and my family. I’d like to know where God wants to lead me. Thank you really. I knew that you’re there with me too.. It gives me hope to continue moving on.

  4. Hi Jewels…I love your name. As for winning a personal battle, I totally understand every bit of what you said in regards to moving on because of a positive change within yourself. My husband has denied his affair since he started it. I do know he sees her off and on, since its his co-worker I had trouble within myself. For a long time I believed it was my insecurities that caused me to feel he was cheating. And the worst part is he allowed me too feel low about how I was feeling towards myself and that he stated I am jealous over her cause she is cute, 10 yrs younger, better shape, happy, smiling, and organized he said. So now its 20 some months later after crying everyday he went to work and feeling like I allowed him to cheat is not so overwhelming as it was in the beginning. I was forced to turn within myself and search the best of myself cause I had no one to turn to. I began to read nonstop about my issue. We argue a lot and even though he has major abusive tendencies, I don’t care or have the fear as I once did in the beginning of our 15 yrs. Like you, I always wanted to make sure he was happy and satisfied. I put myself last. Now, I refuse to do more than my share and started to put myself ahead and not last. So, I have come along way in my personal growth, and yesterday was the first day I refused to text or call him at work. Its almost scary in some way that I feel so much better about myself even if he still has contact with her everyday and possibly he may have had a love child with her. Your site has given me so much power….it has! I no longer feel alone. I do consider him and her broken people. I do. They have no morals or respect. Its very sad. I don’t dwell on her as I used to. It seemed like he liked it, but now I truely feel that she is a sad, hurt, alone, and broken. She has no pride in herself to put herself, her spirit on the line. So, at least now I believe in myself and it took so much pain to get here and that I wouldn’t give it up or give in to stoop to his low level of shame and guilt. This post was so helpful in knowing that I am on the right path. Thank you jewels.

    1. Sheryl,

      I love reading your update, so much inspiration and empowerment. You are becoming much stronger and the fact that you can see and feel that change within yourself makes me smile. I just watched a clip on the OWN network with Anthony Robbins where he said something along the lines of happiness can be summed up in one word – progress. When we feel progress with anything, but especially ourselves, it is a wonderful feeling. Keep putting yourself first, keeping pushing for progress within, you are on the wonderful path toward self discovery. I am glad the site has helped!!

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