Husband After the Affair – I Want to Work Things Out

I caught my husband cheating in March 2009. Now he claims he wants to work things out, and I am really, really tired. I know it is going to take a ton of effort to rebuild the trust in our marriage, but is rebuilding it worth all the time and energy? I don’t know. Relationships are already hard enough without the problems infidelity causes.

Why does he want to work things out? Part of me feels that if our marriage fails, he will feel like a failure to his family and to society. The fear of embarrassment is a powerful emotion; people go to great lengths to protect themselves from embarrassment. So just in case he was using that as his reason to”work things out,” I told his family.

Yes, everyone in his family knows what he did. There was much more to it than picking up the phone or sending an email, and I’ll talk about that all in due time. For now, just know that doing something like this opens up a huge can of worms, so proceed with caution. I did not tell his family until three months after I found out, which is when I learned that he was still seeing the other woman! If he was still messing around with her, why was he telling me he wanted to work things out? Around this time, apparently the other woman got mad because he tried to end it with her. So now he has two mad women—too bad for him!

Most women who contact me say that their husband wants to work things, but sometimes I really question why. If he cheated because he was unhappily married, then why would he want to work things out instead of just leaving?

Affair Recovery is no walk in the park.

35 thoughts on “Husband After the Affair – I Want to Work Things Out”

  1. I think my husband doesn’t want to be alone…..period. His past history reflects that. I even told him I felt he was only wanting to work it out with me because the other woman didn’t want him now because she found out he was married and he’d been lying to her all this time (funny thing, he found out today that she had been seeing other men while with him and was on dating sites still looking for someone else…..that made me feel a little better today…LOL!)

  2. I don’t think my husband wants to be alone either. I found out he was cheatig only a month after we where married and it was with multiple women from craigslist. One it the ow was even twice our age. What hurt most of all this was that he was planning on seein one of them the night before our weddig but couldn’t because I made him stat with me. After everything unfolded I stood back and reevaluated everything and wanted to work things out because of love and I believed he wanted to fix things by going to church seeking counseling and being a better man. Well 5 months later I bought him red handed. Only this time I was never able to put that gut feeling that something was wrong away. So I posted a fake ad on craigslist and like I expected he replied and agreed to meet up. He didn’t find out That I set it up until I came to his door to say hi. During that time he was out of work and I was supporting him and paying for his school which was his front for his cheating. He was still seeing the ow he wanted to meet up with during our wedding week and had been talking to her for three months before I caught him, and was felling her we never got married. And come to find out he had multiple email acounts and online dating accounts. He. claims he never touched anyone but how am I going to believe that someone going at this for so long never touched anyone. It’s been 5 months since that’s happened and ive been sittig back waiting to see how much this marriage means to him and what he will do to save it, and sadly I’ve seen nothing but broken promises and excuses. After a one month ultimatum for him to seek concealing expired I am now ready to move on with my life because I’m tired of feeling suspicious, angry, and depressed. Feelings which are a result of him and his laziness to do anything. And the next part of going to see a lawyer is going to be the toughest thing I’ll be doing in my life so far. What I hate about all of this is the fact that he’s going to take half of my savings, 401k, and everything I worked so hard for.

    1. Hello Rachael,

      Sorry to hear about your situation, I think your husband really has some issues with the online sites. I really think you gave it your best shot and you can leave the marriage knowing that you did your part. You gave him the option of counseling, which he needs. But unfortunately, he might not think that he has a problem. For you to try to hook up with another women the night before your wedding, he needs counseling to deal with some issues. But you can force him, and it is not your job to do so. As far as the divorce, I would do some research. I am not a lawyer and can’t advise you, but a good lawyer might be able to protect your assets that you had prior to the marriage. You have two things in your favor, adultery (if you can prove he had sex with another women, judges tend to side with the other person more), and the duration of the marriage (since it was very short, again, I think a judge would side with you concerning your life savings). Again, this is just what I think, I would talk to a lawyer in your state. I know your in a dark cloud of ‘how could he do this’ ‘how could i have not known’ ‘who is this man I married’, but trust me, there is a brighter future for you. Take Care.

  3. GOD i didnt think it was that comon for man to do that i was pregnat and didnt even have a clue he was messing around i had my baby by c-section i was very depressed and he always said he didnt care for the scar which re affirmed me how much he loved me well my birthday came and i was watching tv at 12:00am while he was sleeping his phone ring i didnt though nothing out of it i looked and it was a girl texting him telling him how she wanted to have sex and how bad she need it him. that just kill me i was so hurt and that was my b-day present then i forgave him and we tryed again i had alittle complications with my c-section so we wouldnt have sex for couple weeks well couple days ago before valentines i got of hold of his phone and he had pictures of a naked girl and sex videos that just kill me i feel so worthless what did i do wrong get pregnant ? i ask myself 🙁

    1. Hello Jay,

      What a horrible birthday present, I can sense your hurt through your words. You did not do anything wrong, my husband did the same thing while I was pregnant and I thought the exact same thing. It has nothing to do with your scar, nothing to do with your looks. Sometimes men are greedy. If he can not wait for your c-section to heal that is just selfish, but in all honesty, if he has naked girls sending pics, this has been going on for more than a couple of weeks. Take a deep breath and realize that no matter what, you are going to be ok, you are going to get through this. Talk to him and see if he is able to have an open conversation about this. Make sure you eat and take care of yourself, peace.

  4. I actually just found out yesterday that my husband of 8 years is cheating on me. I found text’s in his phone to another girl. I didn’t actually confront him about it (knowing that he would deny it would only make me madder). I sent the girl a message saying I knew about what was going on, and I waited for him to see that I had sent her a message. It took him about 2 hours to realize that I had found out and instantly he starts apologizing saying it was a stupid mistake and he loves me. I told him that in order for me to not leave he would have to set up counseling and stop talking to her. He agreed to both.
    Right now I just have no idea what to do. I feel like packing my stuff and leaving, but with 2 small kids and no family within a 10 hour drive I just can’t do that. I want us to work it out, but I also don’t want to waste the time if he is not going to put forth the effort too. He appears to be sorry, but I don’t know if he’s sorry because he got caught or he really being sincere.
    What advice can you give me since this is so fresh?

    1. Hello Lyn,

      You are on the right track. I had two small kids and no family around either, so I totally understand your situation. Your action items: zero, do not make any decisions as to weather to stay or leave the marriage. Give your husband time to show that he is willing to step up. You will be able to see his level of commitment in about 2 months or less. Your emotions are too strong to make a decision at this time. Asking him to set up counseling is excellent, during the next two months, watch his actions, not his words. Ask him if he broke it off with her, and ask to see some sort of proof. I asked my husband to call the ow and break it off and when he couldn’t do that (saying he wanted to do it in his own way), I should of known something was off. But the point is to watch his actions, let him drive the recovery, and review after 2 months, you will know what your next steps should be. Take Care.

  5. I had my suspicious this past summer, he was on break from his educational program just one semester short of graduating and had started working two jobs, meanwhile I am pregnant with twins (our first and second) and working full time. I felt so lonely and was really stuggling with fatigue, but did not want stress him because with 60+ hours of work weekly and the stress expecting our babies a little earlier than we planned… He made me feel like I was crazy/paranoid/overly hormonal for questioning why he would come home late or seemed so distant. We weren’t being intamate; he just did not seem interested and blamed it on not wanting to hurt me or the babies, when I tried to iniate, it was like I was forcing him so I gave up. I got a call from the other women a few days ago, just a few weeks from delivering our baby girls. According to both of them they have not seen each other since this summer when they worked together (he had to give up the job to finish school). I know he is genuinely a good person at heart, want to at least attempt to work this out, but I have no idea how I can get over this. He abandoned his family when we needed him the most. I have had at least one good cry everyday since, I can’t sleep… just thinking about him. I am trying to find a family counselor in my area.

  6. I like this post alot!!!

    When he asked to come back, I should have been happy he wanted to but instead it made me angry to think he wanted to come back. I accepted none the less because I still loved him and did want my family back together with him included.

    The best statement you made is “Most women who contact me say that their husband wants to work things, but sometimes I really question why. If he cheated because he was unhappily married, then why would he want to work things out instead of just leaving”.

    After he came back, I always asked why?! did you come back, why? do you want to work this out?, why? didn’t you just stay with her, if she made you happy and you left this family for her?

    Questions that have simple answers, I think. Of course the ” the other woman” would think well if he does go back, its because he doesn’t want to lose money, a home, and his kids from a crazy wife. So typical of them to think like that coming from a POS who doesn’t have anything of her own, not even self respect or worth so I expected for her to think she knows what she is talking about without knowing the real reason why he cheated in the first place!

    When I did ask him those questions, these were his answers…

    Why did you come back?
    I came back because I still love you and want my wife back. I know what I did was wrong and feel stupid for doing what I did you, us and myself.

    Why do you want this to work?
    I want this to work because like I said I still love you and know that I can be that man to make you happy and want the rest of our live s to make it up to you. I know your value and and appreciate everything you have ever done for me which can be replaced by any other female.

    Why didn’t you just stay with her, if she made you happy and decided to leave this family for her?

    I didn’t stay with her because after the fantasy or excitement was gone, I saw her for what she really was. She was a girl who only cared about herself and her needs, she really didn’t care about me, she wanted me to stop all communication with you and that wasn’t going to happen ever. She was also ok with her position in the beginning and at first it was great because I didn’t want a relationship but she became jealous and wanted more and that was a turn off, knowing she knew who she was. The so called relationship with her was doomed to fail regardless.

    I was not happy with my choice and the action I decided to take, now I am fully aware of my mistake and will do whatever to show you, you are the person I want to spend the rest of my life with even if my needs are not being met. I know now I need to talk to you when I feel left out and will take course of action to plan a weekend just and you and me.

    Now, this may all seem to good to be true. I still have my doubts but I think some reasons at least the good husband’s, not the selfish ones, come back with the intent to make it right. Then you have the ones that come back not lose anything knowing they will if they left.

    I hope my speaks the truth and only time will tell.

    1. Thanks MelissaB, your husband’s words do sound sincere. And yes, many men have been embarrassed when the OW finds out that she was just a ‘side kick’ and they decide to stay with the wife, they sometimes get crazy. And in showing their true disregard and lack of concern for our husbands, do things that are only intended to hurt and embarrass the husband even more.

      I think you are so right, time will tell. His actions will tell you the sincerity, but his words were a good start. Mainly because he took responsibility for his action, which is SUCH an important factor in recovery, if a husband takes full responsibility for his actions, much more likely to have a successful marriage recovery. Wishing you the best, Jewels!

  7. I have been with my husband for 15 yrs we broke up once in the beginning of our relationship. Due to the fact we were young & had my son at a young age our children are now 13 & 8 . We have been fighting for a few months over stupid everyday stuff but I felt he was pushing me away. We were talking about space and that’s when I found out about the other woman. He claims they never had sex that he was just venting to her. I let it go then one night his laptop was open & I found their emails she wanted him to choose she kept telling him that she could make him happy and take care of my kids. His responses were he didn’t know what to do but said she was very important to him and that he knew what they were capable of, he said things to her thathe has said to me. I txted her and said I knew what was going on she turned around and told me I didn’t deserve him or my children it got real ugly. I had all plans to pack up and leave and I have no family for help or support so was thinking of a shelter my kids were very upset they didn’t want to leave their home. He apologized and said over & over he just needed someone to talk to but he loves me and wants to work things out. On the other hand the other woman is txting me talking about they are together & he only keeps me around for the kids. He said he would all her to end things but she wouldn’t answer the phone he told me when I was at work he told her not to call or txt or email anymore I don’t know if I believe him or not I’m so confused and hurt. Any advice would be great.

    1. Shea
      Man, o man, you have a case of your husband getting involved with what I call ‘Crazy’. What some men don’t realize is that just because a women can smile and put on a dress does not mean she is sane. What you have to decide is a couple of things. Is your husband really wanting to work things out? Meaning is he still in confused status about crazy? If so, he needs to decide. He has to look within himself and understand why he started engaging with this woman. Because if he can’t answer that question, he will engage again.
      Then, if he decides to work it out and you agree, he has to be fully transparent to build up the trust again. But let’s first get clear on what he wants to do.
      You mentioned no family and friends and a shelter. How about this, he potentially cheated, he is undecided, so maybe he needs to leave the house so that you and the kids have a place to stay. I can’t imagine him being ok with you and the kids being in a shelter. No cool. Meanwhile, get a free consultation from a lawyer. Tell him you have no family and friends and see what your options are. Most lawyers have a free consultation. Take care!

  8. thank you so much. That advice is really great. We have been talking things out he’s been really trying to prove to me that this is where he wants to be. So I have my good days & my bad days I want to move forward and put all of this behind us, but its hard. He said one day that the other woman was only looking for someone to take care of her so I ask myself if she stayed around would he still want me? This is not easy & I know its going to take a lot of work, so only time will tell for now. Thank you 🙂

  9. ok I have an issue my husband has given me all his passwords to his emails & cell phone witch I’ve been checking. Last night I went through his contacts in his yahoo account and came across the ow’s email address but under a different name. I’m not sure if its old & I haven’t come across it or if its new. I haven’t said anything yet cause I knowhe will tell me its old & I need to get over it. So I’m stuck what do I do its bringing everything back and I don’t like feeling like this. Any advice would be great. Thank you

    1. Hi Shea,

      That’s a hard call because seeing an email address under a different name isn’t really a huge bust from an evidence standpoint. I think more importantly, you have all his emails and passwords, and seem to be checking things quite frequently. Doing that over time can cause you to go crazy, you literally can spend an entire day checking and verifying and checking. In time, you are doing to have to let that go (the constant checking and turn it into full transparency without checking all the time), and then really decide if you want to work things out. The email, again, not much there, if he is still seeing the OW, you will eventually see more things come through, if he isn’t then you wont.

  10. I have a question when does it get easier? Some days are perfect and other days I want to kill him for ever hurting me. I’ve been blaming myself for his actions. I don’t know if the OW is still around I don’t check his stuff anymore cause I figure with his line of work if he wanted to see her he will. I want to move on & trust him but its hard. Any tips or advice would be great thanks.

    1. Hi Shea, yes what you are describing is normal, the extreme ups and down can be outright scary. At this point your goal is to see if your husband is willing to work on the marriage. Let him recommend what that will be. Make sure he knows what will happen if he continues to cheat and bee confident that you will be able to act on your word. There is not much you can do without knowing where he stands, he is the one that cheated so you really need to watch and observe if he has any plans on stopping. Take Care!

  11. My lovely husband cheated on me a third time, EA week before our 25th. First go around, I blamed me, second time we did cd program for therapy, this time, I said I’m done, took off my rings, and sought therapy. I’m happier, found a second job, and said you have a year to figure your shit out…he is doing better, no contact, in therapy, working on his boundaries, trying to improve marriage and his mistakes, and is accountable…. Not sure if I want to out rings back on, won’t let him back to our room, am trying the 180, and focus on me, and life is just ok…any suggestions???? I do want marriage to work and have been supportive of his new change however, my wall is not coming down and I cannot see past tomorrow….

    1. Teeta,

      That is good that he is working to get his life together, has it been a year? It’s hard to get a wall down after 3 affairs. And a few months of him ‘doing good’ is not going to mentally bring that wall down. You have to look deep within and really think about what is keeping you there and what fears you have with leaving. Typically men that cheat multiple times with the same women do not all of a sudden stop. You mentioned yourself you are happier, I would continue to focus on you.

  12. So its been 2 months since my husband cheated he’s been trying really hard to prove to me he wants me & that’s its always been about me. What bothers me is when I have my bad days he won’t talk about it he says I need to trust him & look at the bigger picture. The OW is causing all kinds of issues she is sleeping with someone else’s man but will tell ppl that I know that she slept with my husband in my bed and all kinds of stuff. My husband swears up & down that it was never sexual that they just hung out & talked. The OW is known as a trouble maker but I don’t know what to believe. Any advice would be great & I want to thank everyone who shares their story its very brave & has helped me out so much so thank you so much…..

    1. Hi Shea,

      I know your husband wants you to ‘just trust’ again, but it seems like there are some more topics around the affair that are unsettling for you. And if you don’t get those thoughts or questions answers, it is going to keep those emotions stirring inside of you. Affair recovery is hard work, and sometimes our husbands don’t understand. They just want to move on and act like nothing happened, but it did. If he is saying they just hugged an she is telling people they slept together, that is an issue. There might be conversations that you and your husband need to have, but he is having a hard time expressing it, and the lack of communicating is stressing you. Would your husband be open to counseling? Or maybe reading a book together on affair recovery? He has to get to the place where you have some real honest conversations around the affair to encourage healing. If not, the lack of communication will cause major problems. I know how frustrating it is when your husband has a wall put up in a time where you need him to really open up and talk. Hang in there….

  13. So my husband cheated on me while on deployment while I was 8 months pregnant. He went out for what was supposed to be a “guys weekend” in Romania but it was very far from that. He left my daughter and I wish no money and no contact that whole weekend. He fed me a crap story and i believed it. Fast forward 3 months later he comes back from deployment and I end up with an std. He admits everything to me including other times he has cheated. How can I get over this? Its been 4 months since I’ve found everything out and it still kills me. I’m not the same person I was 4 months ago. I want nothing more than to trust my husband and have a happy healthy marriage again. Is it out of line if I’m asking him for the girls name so I can look her up on Facebook and give her a piece of my mind? She knew he was married be I just want to get some things off my chest.

    1. Hi Jess,

      I know you think that contacted her will help get things off your chest, and it may, but typically, it backfires. Typically the other women has a casual attitude and it will piss you off even more. Or she will blame you. I’m not sure it’s work trying to engage her. The main issue is you and your husband, he is the one that committed to you. Did he know he has an STD before he came home? And what does he want you to do now, does he want to work things out? You are in a tough spot because of the deployment. Many women have contacted me with their husband’s cheating while on deployment. And as women we expect our men to be strong sexually and if they ever do cheat, of course they would use protection? But the truth is the opposite. Most are weak sexually and do not use protection. Getting over it after only 4 months, it takes a lot longer. And it takes a husband who is totally open and supportive. And if he is still in deployment, it might take you as a couple longer because of the distance. Yes, you are not the same person you were 4 months ago. Cheating changes you, opens your eyes to another world. Take care.

  14. Thank you for your reply! I see why it wouldn’t be a good idea to contact her because you are right she would probably act like way and it would very much piss me off. It would for sure make the situation worse. He did not know he had the STD. He is back from deployment and has been for 6 months now. I just don’t understand it. Why would he risk getting her pregnant by not wearing a condom? What are the first steps to take to start working on us and rebuilding our relationship and most importantly myself. I have never felt this low about myself in my entire life. It has effected every aspect of my life and I am such a angry person now. Not only does our relationship need work but I do too. I have started hating the person I have become because of this. Why do men cheat. The only thing I have thought of is maybe he has a low self esteem. Should he get couseling for himself? I know this is not anything I have caused I am a great wife and mother. I am always there for my husband and I don’t hold out on him sexually so I just don’t understand it. Is he a lost cause and do you think someone can change from need extra female attention. I just have so many questions I’m just lost. Thanks for reading!

    1. Hi Jess,

      A little behind on comments, but wanted to respond. I am not sure why men don’t think to use condoms, they just don’t think. Don’t put too much thought into it, because I think the answer might be something really simple like ‘it feels better without a condom’ I know that sounds crazy, but, in my opinion, it’s just how men think sometimes. Yes, what you are feeling is normal, it is a process, it is a phase, and there is really not much you can do to speed up the process, now if months later you are still in the same state, then you should evaluate, but there is something to be said about allowing the process to process. And in this situation, that would be ideal.

      You touched on an important aspect of cheating. It is my theory that self-esteem is the a big cause of infidelity and also ironically the source of why we are so hurt by it. Not excusing the behavior but it is common. My ex-husband needed constant validation and when I could not give it to him – bam – he cheated. It he is willing to go to counseling – do it!! Many men don’t. I am glad that you realize that you can be a great wife, but if his validation is off (job change, environment change) where he doesn’t get it in the same manner that was before, he is a prime target for cheating. And regardless you should get counseling. Two parts to every recovery – the recovery of the marriage and the recovery of self. Take care!!

  15. My husband and I have been married for 24 years. In August of 2012 I was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure. Due to this condition I had to have numerous tests and go to the doctor quite a bit. My husband was there for me some of the time and not. In June of 2013 I accidently found out he was having an affair. I forgave him and let him come home. He said I needed to do some things to make my appearance better and I needed to respond to him with more sex. I did all that and then in November 2012 a man called my house and told me that my husband and his wife were having any affair. My husband started this affair a month after I found out about the first. My husband has made me feel like it was my fault he had the affairs. I do not agree. My husband is passive aggressive and really hard to live with. Could this be all my fault? He is addicted to porn and told me one of the reasons he cheated on me was because I refused to have the kind of sex he wanted. Anyways I imagine you know I have been hurt yet he acts like I should be over it already. For the whole 2013 year my husband cheated on me and treated me like it was all my fault. I still love him but I think the best thing to do is divorce him. What do you think?

  16. well I am sorry to hear about all these stories. My husband has been having an affair with a girl 20years younger than him I was working she has been to my home on numerous occasions, she got pregnant 5 years into the affair that is when everything was confessed then she gave us hell she was and is very crazy she is also married and lives in different country so you can imagine how much this hurts to have to live with something so extensive well there is no “child” and I thought everything stopped then she tried to contact him after about almost 2 years he fell 4 it and they started communicating again I again found out thought it stopped now to find out she again claimed to apologize and they have been communicating I am now back to when I found out about the very first time everything she has written texted cussed me out repeated what my husband told her personal things about me I am up and down I hate him often I get blamed 4 not being loving but I say if your attention has been directed away from me women intuition you put up a wall even when we don’t know why I often cant stand looking at him because it is painful this is going on 11years 5years full then off and on contact how much more can any woman take?

    1. Becky and Annie,

      Becky, I can feel the frustration just oozing from you. I know how it feels to go through it the first time, and then find out they start engaging each other again. The second time hurts more because your husband knew how much it impacting you the first time. I think you would benefit from spending some time alone to just think about the situation and what you want to do next. Break down how you feel one emotion at a time, as it is hard to deal with all of the emotions at once. And in seeing those text messages, that is purely emotional trauma. You might want to consider personal therapy if you are in a position to see a therapist, it could help. take care.


      It looks like I missed your comment when you first sent it. If you are subscribed to this thread please post and let me know how you are doing.


  17. Thanks, for the response Jewel, Yes the second time hurt, but the 3rd hurt the most because I really moves on from the second and then almost 4years later I find out that there has been contact it is absolute devastasting because I have tried to heal forgive never for get, but at least shift my focus and he has other challenges as well business and I suspect emotionally so it makes it harder because the are a number of issues and i always say when you are distracted from your priorities, family, ESPECIALLY your wife you are on dangerous grounds, so my situation is so complex and complicaties, both finacially, spiritually, emotionally, and physically at this point so I have a lot to think about I do have some good support but it is difficult because they hurt as well. Therapy in may have to wait on that as I am not in USA but i may look for other options throughout the summer. But thanks I have listened to some of songs and Toni braxton and Babyface. Album is healing so I am getting through I read alot, I try to refocus often and read other women’s stories to get another perspective so it helps I will keep strong I am in the process of looking for a job so I will be kept busy. So my healing will be for many things.

    Thanks so much for this site just WRITING helps!

  18. I found out a little over a month ago that my husband was cheating. I saw messages in his phone. We have been married for 6 years and have a child together. Since then he has not stopped the affair and continues to say that he cannot decide. I am stuck and hurt. I dont want to leave to soon, but when I can reach him i assume he is with her. He pretty much acts like everything is normal when at home, but is often unreachable at work. I know that she works there but he lied about that too and doesn’t know that I know. He told me that the other women told her to leave him alone when she first started because he was married, but he fell for her anyway. I dont know what to do!! I love him and I want to be with him, but I cannot get a solid commitment from him. How much longer should I wait around for him to decide. He thinks he loves her, but I know its not real and I dont know what her agenda is.

  19. So I am a military spouse and just a week ago I found out my husband had been sexting and had sent a video of himself to another women, along with being attached to the app Skout. He had been hitting on women and sexting them on facebook as well. We have been married for almost 10 years we have two kids now. I can say that sex for me has dwindled over the years but I don’t think that would be his excuse. I found messages from two years after we had been married all the way up till recently….different women and all spaced out. It looks like he was getting more serious by posting an explixit video of himself to another women and viewing videos of the women (two, that I found of doing the same). He got caught and said he couldn’t lie. He says he doesn’t know why he did it. He wants to stay with me and work it out. I want to do the same. He gave me his log ins to facebook, Skype, and email which I already had snuck on before. He deleted all females that he had every held a sexual conversation with. He said he really wants to work on us and he is willing to do whatever he has too. We are talking daily because he left the day after I found out about this (military, only gone for a month.) I am so mad but I felt like I should be truthfully honest and have been telling him how I feel. He has listened with an open ear and answered any questions I have brought up. He said he is willing to do counseling if I suggest so. I see he has not been eating well nor sleeping well nor have I. Not trying to justify infedility of this sort but I sort of understand the reason behind the last 2 years I completely shut down and was not really hardly having anything sexual to do with him before during and after pregnancy. The thing that really gets me is that He doesn’t know why he did it. I thought we had a very honest and trusting relationship from the beginning but 2 years into our marriage he was sexting other women. During his deployment he had been getting pics from a women in particular. I found this and was devastated he should have been talking to me. Which we did but I wouldn’t send photos of myself over Skype. I don’t know what went wrong? I am lost and feel embarrassed, ashamed, dumb and sometimes I cry on and off. I cannot believe he did this to me and our kids. Like I said I want this marriage to work but I don’t want to have to be his patrol officer.

    1. Hi V,

      I can sense the level of pain you are going through, he has been doing this for quite some time. I do not think he did this to hurt you, he did it because of his own reasons. And he could be absolutely right in that he doesn’t know why. Your husband is distraught because he knows you are a good women and father to the kids and doesn’t want to lose you or his family. If he offered to go to counseling you should be running to the therapist’s office. You can do couple’s counseling but also consider individual counseling for both of you. He has got to get to the bottom of why he has carried on this way for all of these years, if he doesn’t get to the root of the problem, nothing will prevent him from doing it again. I understand the whole paranoia thing and the feeling like patrolling him. Your husband will either help reduce that fear or increase it through his actions. Recovery is a slow process, so anything that you decide, give it ample time and most importantly, be easy on yourself, you will get through this. Last but not least, you did nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of, I remember feeling the same exact way, and now looking back, I realize that my ex-husband has to be responsible for his actions, it’s not my job to take on the embarrassment and shame of his actions. Everything will be ok, hugs to you.

  20. I honestly thought I was the only person in the world experiencing this type of pain and confusion but V’s situation sounds so similar to mine. A year ago I caught my husband sexting other women, this too had also been an ongoing problem our entire marriage . The last time I found out I totally lost it , I was tired of being the wife and mother that took care of everything while he was spending his time with this nonsense. When I confronted him about it I was also told “I don’t know why I do this” followed up with “I need to see a counselor “. He then broke down and finally admitted to me he had very serious low self-esteem and problems with low self-worth. His therapist calls it self abandonment . Even with all that said I’m still having a hard time forgiving.

    1. Hi K,

      Yes you are not alone in this journey at all, that is why I created this site, so others would not feel as alone as I felt at one point. It’s good that your husband admitted he has a problem and needs to see a counselor. Many men feel justified for their actions which makes recovery more difficult. Forgiveness takes time… years. My husband told me that as well, that I needed therapy. It pissed me off he cheated not me. But you know what K, at a certain point in my life, a few years later I put my pride aside and I went to therapy for myself, and it was a great experience. Looking back he was right, I needed therapy and because of it, it helped me to heal. The more you work on yourself the easier recovery gets. Take care, hugs to you!

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