Have you made progress in your affair recovery?

I want to wish every a Happy New Year!

Progress is an important part of recovery from any trauma or pain. For those of you who have been dealing with a cheating husband for over a year now, how have you progressed? What is something that has gotten better for you since January of last year?

As you answer this question, do not feel bad if you thought you would be in a different place. The important thing is that you are taking steps to be in a better state, even if they are baby steps. It can be hard to see how far you have come in a storm like this, but remember to celebrate any accomplishments you’ve had. For example, you can be proud of yourself if you’ve had fewer triggers relating to the affair than you did the year before. Maybe you and your husband have had several conversations that led to a better understanding of each other. Maybe you just did not let your husband’s actions get to you.

Even if you decided to leave the marriage, as I have done, there can be a lot to celebrate, especially as this move, like everything in your life, is part of your personal journey. Maybe you can celebrate that you and your husband do not argue in front of your kids. Maybe you can celebrate your strength to file for divorce, or that you made the decision to leave.

Remember, every accomplishment is important. In my case, I have created a solid support system now that I live on my own with the kids. I had to go from being totally dependent on my husband for everything to slowly but surely building a support system for myself, since I do not have family that lives close by. I have a handyman to call if the tub stops up and three people who can watch the kids if I need some help. I have also been blessed to have some very important friends come into my life who have really made an impact on how I value myself. I can celebrate progress, even with knowing I have a long road ahead.

How have you progressed in your personal recovery from the affair? I look forward to hearing your answers!

70 thoughts on “Have you made progress in your affair recovery?”

  1. Hi Jewels, This is a great post because it helps me focus on the positive. I have made progress in that I have fewer triggers and am able to talk about them when they happen. I can listen to SOME (not all) of the music I used to listen to. AND I have learned to express my feelings more within our relationship. I speak up alot more than I ever did before. I’m tired of my husband’s constant “downer” attitude about himself, his weight, his kids, etc. I try to keep a positive attitude – but until he gets even more help with himself, I do fear he could fall back to his escape pattern. I think he escaped all of his own problems (my unhappiness and work stress, etc.) by talking to other women and then falling into the trap – the feelings of a new relationship and how good that made him feel. But he’s realizing that he still has the same problems. So I feel like we’ve uncovered part of the issue….so I guess that is a step. I have made progess in deciding to stay….sometimes I do waver, but for the most part I’m ok with it. Neither decision quite frankly feels right. They both would be different. If I left I would regret the “what if” he could really change question since he is trying. If I stay, I risk being hurt again — and also have to live with the black mark on my marriage and the feelings of being inadequate at times. BUT I’m WAY better than 6 months ago. Thank you and thanks to the great ladies who help on this site — what a great support system!!!

    1. Thanks Ella for your post, that was the exact intention, to focus on the positive!! That is so interesting that you speak up more. I think I do as well, I speak up more in general, it’s almost like I feel the need to speak up so I won’t get taken advantage of. That is great that you are able to express your feelings more. That not only helps you as a person, it helps the marriage as well. Making the decision to stay, in just deciding it a huge milestone, that means you are out of the limbo stage. This journey is a long one but it seems like you made progress in your personal recovery and the marriage recovery. Keep pushing forward, it will be work it!! Take care, glad you are in a better place!!

  2. My progression, and it has been almost exactly 1 year, has been one of a roller-coaster ride….as many of you understand since you have also been on one, I’m sure!

    The past year, 2011, brought for me the discovery of my husband’s affair on 12/28/2010; 12 deaths of family and friends (10 of those people ranging in age from 24 to 58 years old; only 2 “elderly” deaths), a dear friend’s cancer diagnosis, my son-in-law serving in Iraq and his group being hit by an IED (he’s OK, but did suffer a concussion, finished his deployment, and is home now, thankfully!), and absolute crazy at my office (will spare you the details there). It was definitely a year that makes you realize how very short life can be….and that there is no reason we should live unhappy!

    My husband and I have been going to counseling all year; while he does exhibit a little remorse, he simply cannot do what it takes to rebuild my trust and our 25-year marriage. And after a 2-month temporary separation August & September, I moved back home….only to start having arguments popping up regarding issues that were in our marriage BEFORE his affair! So it suddenly donned on me…what am I really fighting for?

    Before his affair (and even during!…when I wasn’t aware), I was at a “good place” in our marriage — the best I had been feeling in years. But he apparently was at the other end of the spectrum; and has made it obvious throughout this past year, mostly through his actions, that he does not want to remain married. I know he loves me, and I still love him. But I simply cannot do it any longer. I could deal with the “issues” within our marriage (mostly regarding finances, housework, our kids — who are now 21 and 23)….but not once that ultimate betrayal was there. Every single argument now leads back around to his affair. Try to budget me now?….when you were Mr. Big Spender just a little over a year ago with HER….I don’t think so! I work full-time and contribute a very decent salary to our household. Which is also why I decided it’s time to go. I CAN take care of myself financially….so I don’t need you nickel-and-diming when I know you spent $$$$ on her with no thought about the budget. (See where I’m going here…lol!)

    So this afternoon I am leaving work early to go sign a lease on an apartment. I am moving tomorrow. While I am very scared of what the future holds…..I also am looking forward to just focusing on ME! Being responsible for just ME! Doing what I want…when I want…and not having to answer to anyone! That’s exactly what he’s been doing for the past couple years — and now it’s MY TIME!!! I turn 50 at the end of February — and I never thought I would be here at this stage of my life…..but there is a reason for everything. Some times we must just have faith…and move forward with what is best for us! And I am doing that — for ME!

    Thank you all for listening. I admire the strength in each and every one of you! I know that there are times when you feel it is not there….but we are all very strong women! We have to be to survive this ordeal that our husbands have put us through!
    May this new year bring for you whatever it is you want or need. Staying….or leaving….or just to keep on keeping on for the time being. As Jewels said above…”This journey is a long one…..Keep pushing forward….!”
    Hang in there, ladies!! I will check back with everyone soon!
    Take care,

    1. Sandy-Sue,

      You have made such progress despite many obstacles, you are still here and are putting yourself first, you should be proud of your progress!!

      I just wrote a comment about self-esteem and men, and while I explained the dynamics, I do not think it is our job as women to make them understand their behavior. I think my husband cheated because he needed validation, but if I explain that to him, he is going to shrug it off, and I would of drove myself insane trying to force him to understand himself – he will not understand his ways unless HE thinks he has a self-confidence problem (which most men will not admit) and wants to do the work, and I think both your husband and mine was not ready to do that, and who knows if they ever will be. And if they are not ready to do the work, there is a higher possibility likely that history will repeat itself.

      Again – so happy for you. You are a strong women and I am excited for you to enter a new phase of your life – it’s WIDE open with possibilities! Stay in touch!

  3. Sandy-Sue, I am truly happy for you. You have made a decision that a lot of us find very hard to do. It does seem that he has given up on trying to stay together and therefore you must do what you have to do. I wish I had a job that paid well enough for me to be independent of my husband. (unemployed for 2yrs now) I don’t need to work because he makes a good income but I like to work for my own individual identity. I am 48 and never thought that women at this age would be having so many problems in their marriages as we do. I had great role models growing up and never saw anything like this coming. Keep us posted on your new life and enjoy yourself freely now.

  4. Happy for you Sandy-Sue — despite it being such a rough year for you – sorry for all the heartache — but you seem like you are in a good place with yourself. While I have chosen to stay as my husband has made a commitment to changing — I still struggle with the feeling that you now have — a life independent of his baggage and bad ways. I feel like I’ve been poisoned and am in a toxic environment. I sometimes wonder if I’m being true to myself even though he is working on it. LisaP — I will be 48 in the Spring — it is very strange that this is going on in our agegroup — but it really is. From both sides. The OW in my situation is 48 — married and with a 9-year old child. Seriously — what are they thinking? I don’t think they think they will get caught. Anyway — celebrate the positive progression this past year and let’s look forward to a better 2012.

  5. Ella, I really think men hit a mid life crisis and think, I am still young and I want to see if I still got it. They never got to play on computers when they were young as the younger generation does today. So to them this is a new way of hitting ofn girls/women that they never could have before in the earlier years. They want to be a part of todays ways of dating without thinking of their families first. Every TV commerical is about on-line dating and how so and so met so and so. It’s all to easy for them! Maybe we should have a mid life crisis for women.

  6. I wonder if there are any studies done on marriages of 20-30 years and the increase in affairs. I find it ironic that all of us are around the same age (I will be 48 this spring also) and find ourselves in similar situations. Mid-life crisis or not– something is askew in society for sure.

  7. I am 51, married 24 years and my husband had a year long affair. He is definetly in a mid life crisis, into working out, protein shakes and is gaining size along with his all grey hair. I noticed it is all about him…. Me. I am still decided if I should stay in this marriage, I do depend on him financially due to a disability. I can work very part time, am on SSD and will see another attorney soon on spousal support. The women my husband had an affair with is 52 with 3 kids, her husband a Dentist who supports her in a lavish lifestyle. My husband is a General Contractor and barely make ends meet! Part of me laughs that they could even think that he could afford her! Yes she has had a nose job, lips done, boob job, always has the great manicure, girlfriend getawars to Cancun, Mercedes, big house, etc…. Am I jealous? not really more like disgusted at the two of them.

    I would love to see a study on marriages of 20 years or longer. Me, I never thought of an affair even with how he has been acting. I have too much integrity, morals and self worth to do something like that.

  8. My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have four beautiful children. I just found out this past Monday that he has been having an affair with an old girlfriend. He hooked up with her on Facebook. God how I HATE Facebook! Anyway, he turned 40 and started going though this mid-life crisis. He started going out a lot and staying out. He would tell me that he was working late or staying over at work (he works in NYC…we live in PA). I feel like such a fool for believing him. He’s been going to her house and basically living a double life. I love him so much and my heart is broken! I want to work things out and he’s telling me that he loves me and wants to work things out…but he’s still in contact with her. I feel so confused. Everyone is telling me that it’s new (I only found out this past Monday) and not to make any hasty decisions. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat and I can’t stop crying. All I can think about his him being with her. We are supposed to start marriage counseling on the 16th of this month and I feel like I should at least wait until we go to a couple sessions before I make any decisions…but emotionally I am dying and the 16th seems like such a long time away! He’s a good man! We have been together for 18yrs and he’s been a wonderful husband. I love and miss him so much…the pain is physical. Can anyone please tell me how to get through this? Will the pain ever lessen?

  9. Jules, that’s funny how your man and mine thought that working out and drinking protein shakes was going to make them feel young again. My husband even did a body building contest when he was 42yrs old. I praised him for his hard work but I think he thought because he was in the best shape of his life I would be jumping him every chance I got. (always about sex to him) That never happened because life got in the way. Jump forward 6yrs he still thought he was missing out on life so online searching he went. (trolling) The man now is 52 and still works out but not near what he use too. I told him it’s not about his image that drew me to him but his personality, his family values and his kindness. But he blew that all out of the water for his midlife crisis and affair. We women don’t go through any type of midlife crisis like this! yes there should be study on men in their 40 -50yrs.

  10. LisaP — Wow — interesting what effort your husband made to get into shape. I wish my husband cared that much. Our situation was reversed. He would come home each night and just sleep and eat — no interest in sex because he felt “fat” — it was like role reversal. I’m on the thinner side — he hates when I say I want to work out — pressure on him I think. He wants to be a slug. BUT then HE meets someone at work and goes on a diet — that was my first clue. And our sex life picked up — maybe he was practicing for when they were going to — but I caught that before it happened –but that was my thought process. He claims no — that the A just made him feel better about himself and when he was with me. Yeah right. Makes me sick. He was bored and down on himself — but never did anything about himself or our homelife — despite my suggestions. It was like it was my fault that he was miserable. I’ve since called him out on every distorted view he had. He has his own issues and no one but him can “fix them” — he has to. That’s what they run from — it’s easier than facing them and the escape lets out the stress I guess. They are more detached than I think we think — women over-analyze while men really don’t at all. So maybe the L word does come easier when the woman says it first. Maybe they don’t attach that much????? Who knows. It’s just gut-wrenching. The punch to the gut. I found out – and I called her husband. Not sure if I should have done it — but I did it. Wanted it out in the open so everyone could deal with the consequences fairly. But then secretly hoping she is paying for it in her household. UGH. This situation brings out ugly feelings doesn’t it????

  11. Ella, I am glad you did call the OW husband to let him know what was up. Even I got the call from the OW husband. Though if I knew she had husband I would have called him first. I thought she was young and unmarried foolish me. If her husband didn’t call me I know I would have ended up divorced. Because they were planning on hooking up very soon and on our families vacations to DisneyWorld. I still dont know how that would of played out considering both families were going to be around everyone else. When would they have time to have sex with kids and spouses around. It’s not like you can get another room at the Hotel you are already in.
    I do know if he had hooked up with anyone I wouldn’t have stayed that is my breaking point. But he was a weak man looking for something other than what he already had.

  12. Lisa P — Oh dear — so you were in the same position I was. They were going to hook up in Disney on a family vacation? TRULY living in Fantasy Land…..OMG. My situation is a little more complicated in that my H was also emailing other women friends (who he never told me about) at the same time — even met one for a drink before a hockey game with my stepson – so I question if he is just a narcissist or what his problem really is. He claims they were like objects — just women to pass the time — no guys would deal with his complaining and he’d be embarrassed to discuss his feelings about himself. I caught the L word OW before he slept with her — but does that really matter? It was a matter of time — though he says he didn’t think of her that way — that wasn’t the need she was filling — it was more emotional — according to him. Yeah right. My question to you is are your feelings towards your husband the same or better since you stayed? I thought I was in a good place and then days like today I just wonder why I’m so worried and caught up in if he’ll do it again — I can’t control that. He’s the one with the issues — but I ask myself why would I stay with someone who didn’t make me feel good about myself. I struggle with this. He did the same things with her that he did with me when he first started dating me. And he celebrated Valentine’s Day last year with two people — how can that be???? It blows my mind. Women must process this differently then men. He is doing all the right things now, but it’s just not the same as before (from my perspective/my feelings). So this is the new reality I guess — a different kind of love — and in my case — it’s not all my love. I’m holding alot back so that I have more to love myself…… Did your husband say what he was missing? Curious about what the needs are that drive them.

  13. Ella, Your question about my feelings towards him, well where do I start. It’s been a long hard time tyring to get them straight. There were days I never looked at him because I was so disgusted with him and his actions. There are days I wished I moved on and others I glad I didn’t. I will never again love him 100% he took that away from me and he knows that. He still is a little guarded but not too much. He gave me access to his cell phone and emails. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have others. We do have our loving moments now and he tries to make me feel good first. In the past if he didn’t get what he wanted he would pout and shun me like a teenage. He is 52! He looked for other women because he said he wanted passion again. Wanted the rush back that all relationships have in the begining and to feel appreciated. Of course in the past he only thought of himself and his needs not anyone elses. He only wanted sex at 3am, NOT me, I was sound asleep and didn’t want it then. So we went without for awhile. Apparently this hurt his feelings as he felt rejected but he never tried in the day time. Early in our relationship I chased him andwe got married and then I stopped chasing. I guess he thought I still would be chasing him. Oh he did tell the OW he loved her more than anyone he has ever know. He said he was so connected to her that he felt it right that they were doing this affair. After the affair I found other things he was into. He said is was all for the thrill, Ashleymadison.com, adult sexsite for kinky sex. He wanted the things he didn’t get to do when he was a teenage. threesomes, orgies you name it. It almost became to much for me to see all on the computer history. I confronted him only to have him say it was just fun. But it became an addiction and now he is a sex addict as well as an alcoholic.
    I try to put my bad feelings for him on the back burner and think of his illnesses which are truly illesses and he is gettig help. He is striving in both areas. There are time he tells me he knows he has to rebuild my trust and knows it will take time. Because in the past when he was drinking he would say just get over it. Not knowing all the damage he has done. He does understand all now! I do love him but I am not sure if it will ever be 100% again. Maybe in 5yrs or more we will see.

    1. Hello Ladies

      Many women on this post have been married 20 plus years, and unfortunately, I am not part of that club! But There are many women on the site that found out within months of being married, just had kids (my case), etc. What is so interesting to me is that the feelings of devastation at a foundational level are universal, it crosses cultures, races, and age.

      Jules your husband drinking protein shakes is very interesting. I think there is something that happens to a man when he gets a certain age – his self-confidence drops because he does not look the same, and the first thing many men do is look to gain that self-confidence back by using another women – VERY common. They don’t feel their wife can give them that satisfaction because you married him 20 years ago before his looks changed. They feel they need to look outside the marriage for that validation, when sadly, they need to look within.

      But if you tell most husbands this, some will admit it, but most won’t because they do not even realize it themselves.

      I have an entire chapter of the book I am writing on the issue of self-esteem/self-confidence. It is very very important to understand the dynamics around this from a cheating husband perspective and from your own personal recovery. Take Care Ladies!

  14. Tina from the USA- welcome to the site, you found a great place to begin to heal from this trauma in your life. Yes the pain will lessen. It takes time, time, and more time. Right now it is so hard – it is physical for you- it was like that for most of the women here- myself included. Everyone finds their own way to get through this phase, my advice to you is BREATHE right now- between the tears, sick stomach, emotional breakdowns, and confusion- just take a few moments to BREATHE. Focus on YOU for now, there is lots of hard work ahead of you. I am glad you are seeking help- that is important. I am also glad your husband has agreed to go – that is encouraging and you should be very grateful ( my husband agreed also, but many don’t) Just take it one day at a time right now. If you haven’t already, download Jewels free ebook. It helped me and many others here– at least you will know you are not crazy 🙂 You will make it through this. You are the most important thing right now, you have to take care of yourself and stay strong for your kids- they need you. Just don’t fight the pain. If you want to heal from this, you have to feel it and live it. I know it sounds nuts, but believe me it is true. If you need to get it out, write it down. Start a journal it can help some people work through the hardest days. It did and still does for me. None of us ever wanted to be here, but we are all glad we have this safe place to seek help, advice, validation, and support. The women here are amazing to say the least, and will support you 100%. We all know exactally what you are going through. Know we are here if you need us. Peace and Blessings

  15. Hi girls, id like you all to know i found out last feb of 2011 about my husbands 2 affairs. 1 for 6 to 7 yrs and another in 2009 for a few times so he says. i sstill feel very numb. weve been married 13 yrs but together 23. long story short i use to ask him about the one girl for years. He denied and said they were just friends. cell phone records i had but still wasnt proof of an affair. lied to my face many many times i confronted him on it. any how last jan 2011 i found out he had been texting sexual texts with a girl that worked for him and i . I fired her so did he thats how the affair came out. she told my friend she had been helping my husband cheat with this girl. than she knew about his other affair with someone 23 yrs younger than him. i know all about the working out protein shakes tanning nice clothes.. and than downing me all the time. we have a son who is 7 which he was cheating on me while i was pregnant. real nice. he tries to make me feel guilty for not taking him back. 1st of all it was a 5-7 year affair not a one time thing. he says i should be over it by now. it happened so long ago and hes not with her anymore. i know they say you go through stages but i truly dont know what stage im in. other he stresses me out with the poor him everything. how i ruined his life… let me know what you think of my 2011 situation..
    take care girls and do what you feel is right for yourself. i cant get back all those yrs he was with her.

  16. Hi Ladies
    Well I feel like I have been living a soap opera for the past couple of months, seriously if someone was to script my life for TV you would not believe it. I have been married for 10 years and together with my husband for 15 years we have a 2 year old son. 2011 was a difficult year my husband was suffering from depression and was under constant pressure for work. He was working late and basically having a hard time with pressures of a senior executive role… Little did I know he was living a double life having an affair with some junior associate at his work, who moved around the corner from our family home to be closer to her prize. Things at home were not great, I was feeling that something was not right, I was constantly asking him if there was something wrong, I became hysterical that something was wrong. Anyway he had been telling me that he was going on a overseas business trip , little did I know thatt trip was actually a holiday that he planned to the States with his girlfirend that was paid for with our money.. We have been separated now for 4 weeks I cant believe how much he has changed.. He has moved out of the family home, he is constantly nasty and agressive towards me. He is acting that we had some highschool fling and that I should move on with my life and get over it. I think one thing that kills me the most is that he has no remorse for what he has done. I still call him, and I keep thinking that the person I married will come back but he has been replaced with this thing. I think about all the things that is ahead of me and I am worried, scared, nervous for the future for me and my son. But I know things can get better, and with the support of family and friends we will be ok…

  17. LisaP – Thank you for more insight. We are similar in age as are our husbands. Mine turned 53 last year. I know what you mean about not loving 100% anymore. Were we too naive going in? I think we are brainwashed into the happily ever after –and then devastated when it doesn’t happen the way we think. But what we are enduring is horrific. Had a meltdown yesterday due to a trigger. Everything comes back – I just don’t think I have all of the answers – -my husband had “female” friends he was talking to behind my back in 2005. I told him then that he had to stop…. he did for awhile. But my new D-Day last year (with someone completely new) — also uncovered his correspondence still going on with one of these women. She is his age — not attractive, lives alone and works near him in town — but for a different company. Their texts were on the suggestive side — and I know he met her for drinks. My husband said he had a past with her — not one he is proud of — no dating — but basically used her to talk to and I think she may have done some things with him. I still know don’t if they slept together — he claims not — but who does those type of texts? Do I really believe him? Or is he lying about that to save the marriage…. Are we really all that naiive? I’m so at a loss of what reality is. You mentioned “the thrill” — is that what they are seeking? My husband isn’t technically savvy — so I’m hoping he never discovers those type of sites — Ugh – -that must have been hard too. I suppose they have been with us for a long time and need an escape and to feel worth something. Provider, etc. But to cheat and know how devastated we will be — UGH — they don’t even think about that — or they just don’t care. I’m seeing my therapist this week — I’m overdue and need to perk up. I left my job last May (d-day was March) — It was a well-paying sales job — but I was very stressed. But now I’m starting to feel trapped at home — he’s in control. I’ve never not worked in 26 years — while I’m enjoying the time off, I think I need other social outlets. I couldn’t function at work and it was the kick I needed to get out of there — the people were scummy despite the good pay. But I have lost my outlet and sense of “doing a good job” — getting praise — and earning my own money. So I try to rationalize leaving I guess. He likes me not working because that fills his need to be a provider to me — the women he picked to be-friend were all down and out and needed him — miserable in their marriages or single/unmarried and not dating. Sometimes I wish I could just go out and have a fling myself — I love those “butterflies” too. UGH. Here’s to a better week ahead. I did tell my H — no Valentines’ day gift or card from me this year — how could he have two Valentine’s last year — the holiday now means nothing. Seeing my therapist this week to talk about this and how to handle it. It sickens me that two people’s actions have ruined it. Oh well — we will be ok…..I know it.

  18. Ella, I too have no job for the last 2yrs.(lost it do to stress) I had a job ever since I was 16yrs old, so for 32yrs I worked was self sufficent paid for everything myself. That was what my husband liked about me when he met me. Now that I am not working he likes being the man and the only provider. He doesn’t want me to work but I too feel lost without something to do. I have put on weight and now have thyroid issues along with pre menopausal stuff. I am not in a happy place about my self image (4 1/2 yrs ago I was under weight from his first online affair, I lost 45lbs) But I am happy in my marriage now that I am trying to work on us as he is too. I too need and outlet but have yet to find one. Iam looking at working P/T to give me some release. I have two sons 21yrs and 18yrs and both have Autisim. But the were main streamed schooled but in special ed classes to help them out. So I am still needed at home P/T too. Your question about, he has no feelings for her?, I hate to sound mean but they do have feelings for the OW even though he said he doesn’t. He is lying to you so he won’t hurt you. That is what my husband said to me to but then said he just didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I said your way past that buddy! It’s funny they lie to protect us while they are hurting us!
    Until he has remorse for his action you cant move one. That’s the only reason I am moving on is his remorse . He even said through all his crying he wished he never met/talked to that girl. Don’t be too navie about his tech side. He will find a way if he wants too. I have become more tech savvy than him with computer spyware and cell phone lookup even . If you know the how to look at your cell phone bill online you can look at his usage too. See his text usage too and the numbers he text. This will be your proof that he no long is or isn’t text, calling her. Oh and if you know the number you can block it!!!! I did that. If you want to do a reverse number/ email/ username look up use this address. It will not give you all the info, but enough without paying anything. I have used it many times for cell # lookup. https://www.spokeo.com/

  19. Veil from usa, Welcome to the site. We women hate it when our men say “just get over it” it was a long time ago. (it was last year, HELLO!) They will never know the damage they have done to us. This is NOT your fault and you should not let him blame you for ruining his life, he did that all by himself.
    Tell him to look at himself from your side and see what he thinks. Most men can’t until they truly know they were wrong. I even had friends of his say I can’t beleive she is not over it yet! Men just get over things eaiser than us. We NEVER FORGET, and that is what makes us different. Until he is remorsefull for his action he will still blame you. That is the mans weakness/guilt whatever you want to call it. There is no set stage to where your at, I think I was in shock for 6months but all along with anger. After about 1 year things calmed down but my guard was still up because he wasn’t remorse full then. This last July 2011 found him texting the OW and everything started all over again. Shock, anger, fear, panic you name it. but this time he was remorsefull and took action. He started AA for his alcohol abuse and sex addiciton. Started going to church and confession and now he is a new man and the old husband I married. So if he doesn’t want to change then it will be your decision as to what to do.

  20. It’s been 5 weeks since I found out. I have decided to stay since my H seems very remorseful and wants to make things work and has cut all ties with the OW. We have had many meaningful talks and discussed what needs to change in order to move forward. We had a family trip planned months before, that we just returned from. While away, things were really good but in a controlled environment. There was no work or normal routine to distract and we were out of the country so I know she couldn’t contact him. Now that we are back and school has started again and activities and work, I am concerned that my H will not put forth the effort he says he will. I know that it will take time for things to change but I don’t want to have to nag him to do the things he says he will do to repair the relationship. I want him to want to do the things he says. I have gotten over the initial shock and hurt. Not to say that I am not still deeply hurt, but I have at least accepted the fact that the affair happened and there is nothing I can do to change it. I just hope that with everything coming to light, that we are able to work through this and things really will change for the better.

  21. my husband blames the girl who told me she wanted to break us up he said. than he blames me if i didnt keep digging and digging. i said why would you confide in the girl who told me? she knew everything about him and her how the ow was at our summer home when i wasnt there during the week 1 time. he bought her gifts. they went to hotels in his truck. he never went places with me so he could be with the ow. but wants me to believe it was a mistake his 5 to 7 yr affair was a mistake and so was his other affair with one of his employers. he must think im real dumb. a mistake is a one time thing. plus last year he was texting the ow of 5 to 7 yrs happy new year merry xmas. he told me its been over for 4 yrs why would he need to keep her number and try to wish her happy new yr merry xmas just last year?

  22. One thing that has progressed since last year (and after counselling and many many conversations) is that we’re allowing ourselves to dream again. Dream again of the future … We laugh and play with each other, we’re flirting with each other, genuinely enjoying each other’s company. There are still questions that I have and most the time it’s a revisit of things that I’ve asked a million and one times over but I can definitely see a healing in all we do.

    I wish you all well, where-ever you are in your journey. In July it’ll be two year since discovery for me and it’s been one heck of a roller coaster but we made it through. Life is good.

    1. Welshborn,

      That is absolutely wonderful that you are able to dream again – I read it when you first posted and it immediately made me smile, made me think about dreaming about my own life. We don’t do that enough, we don’t dream. We don’t imagine a wonderful future, better than the one we have. We don’t play enough. And the great thing is whether you are with your husband or not, you can still dream. I am happy that you and your husband are both doing this, cheers to your journey, and thanks for the post!!

  23. Hi Girls

    Firstly I will just comment on progression and then write under the normal heading as that is where most of the gang read the replies.

    Progression.. hmm…how does one define progression after this traumatic incident? I think I can honestly say the only progression I have had in the nearly 8 months since finding out is that I manage to control my crying, as in, I do not cry every day any longer. That does not mean I don’t have my breakdowns, i just don’t have as many as when I feel them coming on i try and control it and hope it passes! Will it ever be gone.. no… that I know for sure!
    So to all you ladies, past and present, this is our life now.. emotional turmoil which hopefully will get better bit by bit no matter whether we decide to stay or go! It’s good to read all the posts, again from long time users and new as it shows we are not alone and will hopefully get through this with all your support!

    1. Hello Everyone!

      I wanted to make a couple of comments,

      Veil – Like you, I couldn’t believe my husband was blaming me or making me feel back for leaving, he would say, well, it’s your decision if you want to break up the family. Really? You broke up the family the minute you went outside the marriage. He had 2 affairs, one for 5-7 years. I believe the act of cheating is a selfish act, and it seems like your husband is still in selfish mode, thinking more about how he feels than how you feel.

      Costasex – I understand how you feel about remorse – that was extremely painful to have my own husband not show remorse for cheating. Later down the line he finally apologize but having him go along and act like he didn’t care I was falling to pieces was horrible. I think I wrote a post called Cheating Husband’s reaction – Don’t Bet on it, most men do not act like they do in the movies, falling to the ground, crying instantly at how much they hurt us. It took a while, but I had to build myself up to the point where I did not need his remorse (I needed it for a long time), because I was dependent on him for that. I wish you well.

      Ella In reading your post I do think you would benefit from maybe doing some volunteer work, visiting some meetups (if you are in the us go to http://www.meetup.com, or going to a job fair. Even if you don’t want a job, just browsing and seeing what is out there might be empowering. All of the things I suggested will help you get out and interact, something you might miss in the work environment. And yes I believe your husband is liking the fact that you are not working, because he probably feels you will not leave as long as you are not working. So no need to get a job, but start to do things here and there to show him you do have activities outside of him, you won’t regret it!

      Natalie – thanks for sharing your story. It’s good that your husband has put in the initial work in hopes of working things out. I know you are afriad he will not continue the effort, but the only thing you can do is talk to him about it. You can not force him to put forth effort, but you can let him know the impact – The impact which might be the marriage. I hope things work out, keep everyone posted!

      Mitch Hello Mitch – progression is any thought, feeling, action or emotion that is better than it was 8 months ago. Controlling your emotions is a good step. I do not think you are giving yourself enough credit as far as your progression. I think that you have also progressed in articulating your emotions, more so than when you first found out. Your writing is very articulate and you seem to asking alot of questions. Writing is part of healing, so take a step back and look at how much your have writing the past couple of months, that in itself should be celebrated. I think you also may not of felt as alone as you did 8 months ago, that is a progression as well. Keep fighting through your personal recovery, you are progressing!!

  24. Hi Ladies..
    I am having a hard time progressing.. It’s been 4 months since I found out.
    I was doing quite well until I found an email corresponding with my husband and his boss. I monitor all his email, and his phone records.
    I confronted him on it and he said that they are just friends and it is completely platonic. Do I trust that, and how?
    He is currently on business and I just checked his usage on his cell phone showing a handful of text messages back and forth at 10:30pm.. Is that just friendly?
    Has anyone hired a PI and around how much does something like that cost?
    Also has anyone retrieved text messages before, or is that only by court order?
    I think having the ability to check his email and phone is making me crazy, but I don’t think I can stop doing it.
    It’s like I almost want to catch him again so this can just be over, but he is my highschool sweet heart of 16 years and my best friend.. I don’t want to lose him..
    Wow never thought life was going to be such a struggle..
    Thanks in advance for any insight into this..

    1. Hello Jessie,

      Sorry to hear that your husband is potentially still doing things. I do not have any experience with PI’s. I was like you at one point, and I got to the point where I was living my life to investigate his. Every free moment in my day was trying to hack into his account, call the phone company, retrieve info. I had to stop, I was going crazy with it, and it is super frustrating when you can’t get the info you want. I decided to let it go and trust that I will find everything I need to know in order to help me make the decision to stay or leave. I sat my husband down and told him I am going to work on the marriage, but if I find out again, it’s over for good. He was happy of course because i wasn’t on his back as much anymore, and maybe a month later, I found evidence of him still cheating. I say that to tell you that if you take a seat back (I know it’s hard), the answer to what you are looking for might be right in front of you.

      But sorry, don’t have much experience with the PI’s and getting text records, etc., but many women on the site monitor their husbands, so I am hoping you get a response/tips from someone who does monitor.

  25. Hi Ladies,
    Well we progressed and then it really went south after that. I am 8 months from D-Day and Sept/Oct were good months then my husband began individual therapy. Straight down after that, he admits to dealing with depression although he calls it situational. Still, it is depression and he is not seeking help. He started refusing to talk, refused to attend couples therapy, and was just plain not here for me or our family. So yesterday I tried to talk to him and it just made him mad so I had him pack a bag and leave. He does not anyone talking to him, wants to be left alone, says I push him further away when I do talk, wants to place blame and wants to do what he wants to do when he wants too, this man is turning 51 next month. I looked up id life crisis and he fits the description well, plus add some depression and not sleeping well the past 10 years. It took him 9 hours to leave yesterday and his last comments were to me when I asked did he find a place to stay “I though you did not care”. So passive/aggressive.

    I am heart broken but doing ok. I know that I can not continue one more day having my husband of 24 1/2 years living in our home and acting this way. He treats me as if I was the one to have the affair! He also tells me I am blowing things out when I bring up our 2 adult sons living here are very affected. Our 24 year old told me last night when I tried to talk briefly to him that he wants nothing to do with either one of us and he hides in his room after work. The 18 year old hugged me and said he sees his Dad needs real help. If his current therapist is not working for him I suggested he find one that is a better fit. The man wants everyone to think we are one big happy family but inside this home it is awful. Hard living with a man in denial, such resentment towards me as he still blames me for everything and one who refuses to get the help he needs.

    I did ask about the affair, he said they do not talk or see each other but he is not over her. Yes he needs help getting over her and he just does not want it, nor does he want anyone to know what is happening now too.

    I have to figure out my next steps, I have a full social calendar coming up and start back to College next week too. But I woke up sick today, no shock with all this stress. I was finally gaining back some of the weight and working out regularly so I am hoping I don’t backslide on this. I am 5’11” tall and down to a size 2. The biggest obstacvle for me is that this has been my life for 27 1/2 years, married 25 years this June. I feel like the throw-a-way wife and I regret letting him move back home in July, he did it asking to work on us then preceded with more lying, me catching him with her, again more lying then finally some real progress then back to this…

    Why would anyone throw away their life,family and friends? I have read up on depression but I can not control or make him get help, he has to want it. What and how would anyone help someone in this state get help? I know I have to just help myself and our boys, who are ages 18,24 and 27 and quite angry.

    1. Hello Jules,

      Sorry you are going through so much. It seems like your husband is going through something and it seems like he is blaming you, which means he is not at the point where he accepts responsibility for his actions. The way I see it, your husband is non-functional right now. You have 3 boys who are turning into men and they need a strong parent. The problem with focusing on your husband is that he has got to be willing to get help in order to receive help, and it does not seem like he wants to receive, which means focusing on trying to help him might not work out in your favor. There is a difference in supporting and trying to help. You can support him by saying, if you need help finding a different therapist, if you want to talk, if you want to propose/suggest some things for me/us, you are all ears. To me that is being supportive, saying I am hear if you need someone to talk to. Trying to help is asking him questions, trying to get him to talk, telling him he needs to get a different therapist, those are all actions that are trying to get him to do something, and it usually backfires. It’s ok to support (if that is what you choose to do). If just offering support, it will give you some time to focus on the impact this is having on your 3 boys. Take some time to reflect on how you want to handle it. This can be an incredible lesson for them, it does not have to be a negative. Meaning you can have a heart to heart and tell them about life. Tell them that sometimes life happens and throw you for a loop, but mommy is a fighter, and she will get out of this. Daddy is going through some things, and I am there to support, but not to force him to do anything, he has to be willing to want to change himself. They will learn the most by watching you, it doesn’t matter how you have acted before this moment, just remember if they see you a year from now, living life and feeling amazing, you will teach them such an awesome lesson about overcoming life’s obstacles, without even saying a word.
      As far as your husband, you know him best and how you should proceed. Take Care.

  26. Hi Jewels..
    Thanks, I know you are right..I have to stop because it’s affecting me physically and mentally. I am going to look into finding a therapist that can help me, because I know the temptation is going to be hard.
    I’m sure if I stop I will find out, it’s only right that I should… I couldn’t imagine that God would want me or anyone to suffer like this.
    Thank you again 🙂

  27. Ok — so my one year from DDay is coming up in March. But he was in an A starting at the end of January. I’m forgoing Valentine’s Day this year — no decorations, no card, no nothing from me. He is free to do what he wants. But since he had 2 Valentines last year — I just can’t acknowledge it this year. So not sure if that is progress or not. I still have meltdowns and am petrified what the next couple of months will bring. I had made progress up until now. I am staying and praying that this never happens again – but just can’t believe I will be ON GUARD for the rest of my marriage. I read an article some where about just Letting Them Go. If you love someone, set them free. Tell them you wish them well — that that is the fastest way to get them to come back. No drama, no force, just confidence and calm. If they love you, they will return or not leave. If not, it is not meant to be. So I struggle. I did tell him he could leave and he begged to stay and is making so much of an effort to rekindle romance (planning trips, trying to communicate more, etc) — I’m trying to be receptive but I haven’t forgotten anything, so it makes it harder to feel true joy that we are working on our marriage. Hoping I can get through this bad “anniversary” period. I know no one is perfect, but I’m so disappointed that my husband could have bad character…….. and why would I want that…….

  28. Hey guys,
    It’s been a little while since I posted. Jewels you posted some pretty deep responses to my posts and I think you did hit some points on the head. I do think I love my husband more than I love myself. I also think I love my husband more than he loves me. Why else would he keep perpetuating this affair? We started marriage counseling yesterday. He kept telling me how beautiful I looked, how he’s looking at me with new eyes and he’s so sure we can work this out. Then he goes on to say that he, “loves her too” and that “he’s not sure if he’s going to see her this week…but he wants to.” These words just rip my heart out. I keep hanging on, waiting for him to tell me that it’s finally “over” and he keeps saying, “almost there…almost there”. So what does that mean? He hasn’t seen her in person since last Wednesday and he said that he told her at that point that he was trying to work things out with me…but they are still texting back an forth. I still think he’s leading her on and I think he’s leading me on. The problem is that I just am not ready to let go! At what point do you say, “enough”. I keep holding out thinking…maybe another day…maybe another week….where do I draw the line and how do I get the strength to do this? I have had women tell me that one day they wake up and decide that they have had enough and it’s actually quite a liberating feeling…but right now I am feeling so dragged along. I love this man, I really do…but I see that he’s being so selfish. While I am making a priority, he’s not making my feelings or my love a priority. This has been an absolute nightmare.

  29. Well ladies, it sounds like backslide month. I am doing it too. I don’t post much but I try to keep reading to know I am not totally insane. I cannot go back to work as I have my two elderly parents living with me and I take care of my grandson while his mom is finishing her degree. I am fine as long as I keep busy. Sound familiar? My husband works from home so he is always near. This is actually part of what has saved our marriage. Still I have these days where I cannot shake the images out of my head. I am so grateful to read that so many others have those images, really thought I was just psycho. Rambling a bit but that is how my thoughts run. Also my birthday is in a few days and I am really not looking forward to that for so many reasons. Just venting until I get to my journal. Night all.

  30. Hi Ladies,
    First time posting on this thread but I see a lot of familiar names. I think we should all give ourselves pats on the back for being on this site and sharing and supporting each other. That is huge progress ladies! We aren’t hiding and letting our husbands bad behavior define us.
    Mitch I must say I agree with Jewels, you are so very hard on yourself. You are extremely intelligent, funny and very good at articulating your feelings. Not crying everyday is tremendous progress, I must admit I cried everyday for probably 20 months but I also lost my Mom too.
    I have made some progress as some of you know my plans to leave are on hold but I’m doing my best to focus on me and my healing. I can laugh at myself (check out Jewels “crazy moments”post) . I am in therapy and have found some wonderful women friends. Life is still hard and I am forever changed and yes certain triggers and/or thoughts can knock me over still…BUT. I’m getting back up. January 27th is 2nd anniversary of my Mothers death and today was anniversary of last time I saw her alive. I miss her terribly and have all that grief on top of my marriage grief. I am stronger though and I am grateful to all of you on this site. Keep going and keep growing ladies.

    1. Hello Susan,

      I know that your mother really appreciates you thinking about her on the last day that you saw her on this earth. I hope that you were able to reflect back today on some good memories that you had your mom. January is a tough month for you, my thoughts are with you.

  31. I have progressed in that I am clear that I am moving forward and that is why I told my husband he had to leave last Sunday. I know I have progressed because he was just here and we actually spoke and I did not cry, get upset and I responded with my feelings. He is the one conflicted, feels like if he just walks away he is hurting so many people but then says he is not sure we can make it as a couple. Well I very strongly told him it would be a lot of work and I am sticking with my saying I am willing to do the hard work but not alone, he has to be on board. So now I must contact an attorney as he has control over the money coming in. We agreed to meet in the next couple of days to discuss just how this temporary separation is going to work and talk boundaries. I noticed his wedding ring is on then off so I just took mine off. Hard after 24 1/2 years…. that is when I cried.

    I think he is finally getting it that this has had a huge impact on our boys who are 18,24 and 27. I have to be strong for them and keep talking to them, the last thing I would want is for one of our boys to act and behave like their father. That scares me more than anything, I am fearful of being able to support myself as my husband is self employed and I am permanently disable and on SSD. Can not live on SSD in Northern California/ Bay Area. So I have to get my financial house in order once again.

    Does anyone know how seperation works in California? I am assuming he has to cover all household expenses so I can continue the same lifestyle. I guess this is where an attorney comes in!

  32. It has been three months and after about a month he seemed remorseful and showing me the attention and affection I had been denied for years. Now he is right back to the same ole self of ignoring me. I have always initiated sex, conversation, dates but he never initiates unless he wants to have sex with me for about five minutes. It is not making love to me like he did after feeling guilty about his affair. We went to counseling only a few times and he does not want to go back. I don’t see the point if he doesn’t put in the effort. I am a stay at home mom and no family around. I am very lonely. I told him this last night and he just said how everything is his fault (in a sarcastic way) then slept in another room. I never put the blame on him as I was just trying to tell him how I felt. He said I was the most negative person he ever met. He can be so verbally abusive, which does nothing for my self-esteem. I have disabled children and it is beyond stressful. I have one friend but she is very sick with cancer so it is rare that I get to spend time with her. I am busy with kids so I have no time to volunteer anywhere. After I found out about his affair, I asked him to work on our marriage everyday. He put so much effort into this affair and he puts no effort into our marriage. Divorce is not an option for me due to my situation with our children and I still love him. I just need him to show me love. Our anniversary is next month and all he is talking about is the superbowl. I have asked him what he would like to do and I get no response. I also still harbor very ill feelings towards the stupid girl he slept with. I want to let go but it is so hard to. I try not to bring it up but I did out of anger a few days ago and he said “it’s been three months, get over it already.” Not the first time I heard those words. I am broke, no friends, no place to go, and no gas to go anywhere if I did. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. When he comes home from work, I am thinking this is great…some company but he goes right to the tv to watch the news and eat his dinner at the coffee table. I feel like I am done trying as the feeling of rejection is painful. What do I do?

    1. Tina – I know I am a bit late, but I would like for you to know that your body and your heart will tell you when it’s enough. You do not have to know, you feel it and it will be so strong you will be motivated to act. You will know, now the key is once that feeling comes, will you listen. Take Care!

      Georgia – Did your birthday pass – if so, happy belated. Its sad how holiday’s and birthdays were once such happy times and once the affair hits, they are dreadful days. I hope that your birthday was better than expected, let us know.

      Jules – I am not sure of the law in California, but I am sure that there are lawyers in your area that would give you a free 30 minute consultation, I would suggest finding 2 or 3 so at least you know what your options are.

      JK – I am sorry you are going through so much. There is a better way to live, trust me, there is a better way. First, I feel that your husband is constantly disappointing you. And I feel that you keep trying and focusing on him, and he is hurting you over and over again. My husband did that to me, I was already very weak emotionally, and he kept jabbing and jabbing and I kept going back, because I had no where else to go. Until I realized that I did not have to keep going to him, it felt better to just keep to myself vs getting hurt over and over again. I can tell the constant focus on engaging and interacting with him is stressing you out. I personally would not like this to continue for a long time because constant stress is not good for your body. We need the healthy JK to be available for the kids. Speaking of kids, I know you are so stressed, have the kids, are not able to work, and have no time to socialize. But I also sense that because you feel trapped, like you are not in a position to do anything, I want you to know that once small change can make a big difference, YOU HAVE to get some time in for you. I do not see any time for you in your last comment, you HAVE to do this, it is essential to your health. Does your husband have the ability to watch the kids alone without you? Do you think it would cause an argument or friction if you could get a couple of hours break once a week? You really need that time, it would help you so much. The selling point to your husband is that you either have one day a week or you might have a total breakdown from all the stress, and might have to be in bed for a week or two to get better. Somehow you have to get some time in alone and doing something that YOU like. Of course you have to make your own decisions based on your entire situation (including your husband and his personality), but I am sure if you really focus on just getting a couple of hours to yourself where you can focus on doing things that make you smile, it will help in many ways. I really hope within the next couple of weeks you can carve out some time for yourself. Take Care.

  33. Thank you so much for your response. Makes total sense as it is hard to think rational right now and I appreciate your input. He can watch the kids and I will take some time to work on my yoga or going for a walk (if it’s not freezing outside) or renting a movie. I hope as we get more income in the next few months to join a gym or something so I have some socialization. I am very social and I do feel trapped and that is depressing. I do get to the point of total exhaustion because the kids’ care is 24 hours of nursing duty and it has taken its toll. I am working on getting some help from homecare agencies. I do get to the point where my body is just shutting down and I am not taking care of myself. Thank you for reminding me that I need to do a better job at that. You’re the best. You have helped me so much in the few letters you have written to me and letting me vent on this site. A true Godsend.

  34. i am happy to say that for the 1st time in almost 7 months since i found out i feel like i have hope that we will make it through. i started seeing a new therapist and she said a few things that i thought were enlightening. she asked me if i could forgive him and i said “i don’t know” and she asked if i wanted to forgive him and without really thinking i said “yes.” i was surprised at how quickly i responded and it made me feel happy. we talked about our communication and i realized along the way we somehow stopped making each other a priority and doing real communication because our marriage was easy. i realized that just because we talked about things we weren’t really communicating our needs. i know this wasn’t the reason he cheated because his issues are much deeper, but the cheating just brought to the surface how lacking we’ve been. she said “you’re 29 and have your whole life ahead of you” but the way she said it it could have been taken as i can make a fresh start or i can rebuild our marriage but either way i have options. on the drive home i realized for the first time i actually want to rebuild what we have and it made me happy. i felt like there was finally hope because i made a decision about our marriage.

  35. Ok ladies I made a decision that I am not going to post here or come to this site for one month to see if I feel/act different towards my husband. I think some of these post and mine are only make me more angry as my mother has pointed it out clearly that I am not moving forward with all of this. So wish me luck and maybe I will see you in a month to let you know how things are going.

    1. LisaP – I am happy for you, truly. In my opinion that is progress that you are putting focus on you and your husband, and if you are reading these posts and taking it out on him, it’s not worth it, and not fair to him. You have done more than your share of helping hundreds of women on the site, I hope that helping others turns into things going in your favor. Thanks!

      Andrea – This is great news, making a decision about your marriage is a HUGE milestone, I know you feel like a ton of bricks have been lifted. And how you came to that conclusion is a wonderful story. Keep up the progress, can’t wait to hear more!

      JK – Thanks for the wonderful note, you are so welcome, I look forward to YOU making time for you, in which you deserve.

  36. Hi Jewels,
    I have to say that there has not been no positive progress since I have been on here last. I was hoping to give the cheating man a bebefit of a doubt, especially once baby arrived. But what does he do? He throws it in my face by going out and getting extremely intoxicated to the point where he was kissing face with a girl who just turned 19 in a bar full of people and maybe our niece who is in early 20s. Talk about adding insult to injury. Also, I believe the affair is continuing since I found him with his GF in September. She moved away but it wasn’t until I gave birth to our baby. So, I moved in with him when baby arrived, to have him bond with our baby, but things were too much for me. I never hoped or wished for a new beginning or anything. I was being realisitic about our situation and I am relieved I was. Just hurts like I don’t know what because I once loved this person. I have come to the realization that all what comes out of his mouth is nothing but lies and he is full of dishonesty. I don’t think he understands that he is lying or being dishonest. He has nothing to lose and he still dosen’t want to admit to anything or talk about the affair, so I won’t even bother anymore. Because at the end of the day, who is getting upset and hurt…ME. So, I am hoping to work on me and thinking of my Baby. Because he took too much away since July and it’s time I stand up and be proud that I have come this far. Eventhough, it seems like there is not much positive progress in terms of our failed marriage there is little in me.

    1. Royal Wife/Laurel

      Royal Wife – Um….HELLO your update is major progress. Progress can be defined within yourself or the marriage. Your words right here show huge progress

      “He has nothing to lose and he still dosen’t want to admit to anything or talk about the affair, so I won’t even bother anymore. Because at the end of the day, who is getting upset and hurt…ME.

      Boy it took me a long time to realize that within my own journey, and once I did, a huge stress was lifted.

      You are making progress, you might not see it, but I do.

      Laurel – It seems like you have been devastated twice by him, which is o so painful. To take him back and think that things might be getting better only to find out he is still up to the same games, and somewhat angry at you, which is really a projection of anger towards himself. You are still in the devastation stage, so you can not even see what progress looks like, give yourself some time, this is not a great rich quick thing, it takes time.

  37. Have I recovered from the affair? Most days yes, some days no. Definitely no. I try not to think about it each day, but sometimes I can work myself into quite a fit about it. Certain triggers just send me. I don’t snoop into my husbands phone or email anymore, because I generally find what I am looking for – proof. Over the New Year holiday, my husband left his BBerry on the dresser and I decided to take a peek. I found an intimate text from a woman. I looked up the number and it was an escort service. Then I cross referenced the date and saw that it was during the week that I threw him out of the house after discovering his ongoing affair with a woman I had confronted nearly 3 years prior. Honestly? A hooker while he was supposedly in the doghouse? What is his problem for heaven’s sake?

    I am an attractive woman. I take care of myself, dress well, I am a good mother, I am quick witted and well respected in my community. No one would imagine – ever – that my husband has not touched me in 2-1/2 years.

    When the photographer came to take our family Christmas photo, he wouldn’t even put his arm around me, or touch me in any way. It must have been obvious to the photographer, who has taken our family photo since our children were born – that something wasn’t right.

    It’s disappointing to say the least. I cannot believe, after being such a good and caring human being on this earth, that my husband -the person I am supposed to spend life till death do us part – has lied to me constantly and has been leading a double life with someone else.

    I am not sure what recovery from that looks like…

  38. Wow, what a difference a day makes. I am still separated from my husband, been a little over 3 weeks. I started opening up with couple friends that had no idea, my book club girlfriends and pretty much anyone that asks. I am amazed at the support and I do name the other woman as her husband is a Dentist and very involved in the community. I really don’t care about her one single bit and that feels so good to say that. I did have a situation last week where I was having coffee with our group of guy gym friends and the OW had the gall to come over and sit down across from me. I ignored her and made sure to introduce my Auzzie friend to everyone BUT her, just skipped her. If she does this again I will get my coffee, get up and tell the gentlemen I can not sit here with her although I enjoy them. Then tell them why, look her in the eye and say “I can look in the mirror and I am sure you can not” and walk away. She is something else….she is with her husband and has no decency at all. She wants to keep up the gym image and she is disgusting in her flirty behavior, she was all over the older guy next to her, it really was disgusting. I found out she is known for this behavior and my husband was not her first affair….

    As for me I am embracing being all alone in our home, first night was hard and I cried. Our middle son moved out last weekend. This is not what I envisioned after almost 25 years of marriage and raising kids, finally have time and my husband is an emotional mess and in a midlife crisis. But I feel I am really going to be ok, it is almost 9 months since D-Day.

    I have a situation that I am sure will complicate things. I met a younger man that is very interested in me, he has called my friends trying to find me. I know they say don’t do this but I do have to say I am intrigued and wonder if this might help me to make the choice to file for legal separation or divorce. I am really thinking on this on. It was so nice to be complimented and this man said he had never felt such an attraction and he saw my wedding ring and was hesitant to even talk to me. Of course I think of those pick up lines, but I was upfront on being married but recently separated. We talked in a public place for hours… I do remember telling my husband I could see the allure of an affair and that it sounded really good to me. He has been emotionally distant now for 2 years and recently has been giving me hugs and a light kiss, but he is still not there for me at all.


  39. jules, i have been seperated 11 months feb 6th… my husband had 2 affairs he was with the first one for 6 or 7 years.. than in 2009 he had an affair with someone 23 yrs younger than him.. i really believe im over him. he has never given me compliments always putting me down. i have 5 guys interested in me. its nice having compliments and people showing they are gentlemen. i dont think i can ever get over what he has done to me mentally and emotionally. things would never be the same. I dont even look at him the same anymore. We have an 8 yr old son. he is the reason i didnt lose my mind. i look at my husband as just another guy i know. im not in love with him anymore. do you think you will go back to yours ? what is D day im sure im asking a dumb ? but im new on here. the other women is still married and still cheating on her husband. i dont know how they can sleep at night knowing what they have done to families. every dog has their day.

  40. Thank you Jewels for your note. Part of my pain is that I feel like there should be some sort of timely resolution within myself. The DDay was April 2011 and I am stuck in a state of anger about it. I am not an angry person by nature and yet, I can’t move forward and it is causing continued pain. Not to mention, I have put certain aspects of my life on hold (birthday cards, reconciling the bank account, marketing my business) until I get through this, and that itself is causing problems.

    I live with the constant feeling that I will discover his cheating is ongoing or started anew with someone else. In the one therapy session I was able to get him into last May, he stated very clearly that he would never be entirely honest with me about this or anything else in his life. He said that it wasn’t any of my business. He blamed the OW’s husband for revealing the affair and said that he never would have told me. That even made the therapist scratch his head! “So… what you are saying is that you will never be entirely honest with Laurel? Is that what you are saying? Laurel, how do you feel about that?” Not good.

    Writing this, I am getting a better sense of why I am still angry. Although we are perfectly polite to eachother, work diligently to co-parent our children, sleep in the same bed (without no touching at all) this background message is always playing in my mind, ‘he has lied right to your face for years and cannot be trusted.”

    It makes it hard to choose a Valentine’s card…

    1. Hello Ladies,

      Veil – All I have to say is hot mama 5 interested guys – love it!

      Jules – You seem to be leaning towards separating divorce with each post. As far as this other man, if you end up talking to him, tell him you are going through a rough time in your life, and you would enjoy strictly a friendship right now. A friendship is occasionally going out to lunch, not calling each other every day. If he truly likes you, he will accept this and wait for you to figure things out. No need to rush anything. But that is just how I personally would handle it, because it would of been overwhelming for me. I have someone I have lunch with every month an a half. We don’t text or interact in between times and it works for me. You might be different, so it’s up to you. Take Care!

      Laurel – if your husband told you he is never going to be totally honest – believe him, believe him, believe him. At this point your decision is whether or not you are doing to accept what he has said. He seems awfully confident in what he feels. Your anger towards the situation is causing you more hard than him, remember that. He doesn’t seem to be anger, he actually seems content, which is not fair because he is the one that cheated. Don’t’ worry about the time, everyone had their own time period, the key for you is progress versus how long, some women stay undecided for years, but progress is more important than time. Well wishes and hugs to you.

  41. is it normal that my husband cheated on me all those years but yet still can make me feel sorry for him?? im getting alot better and stronger on not letting him make me feel guilty for not taking him back… i still catch him in small stupid lies… leopards dont change their spots i guess.

  42. Jewels, I did not realize that yes I am thinking more towards legal seperation or divorce, it could be that I am just tired of his asking me to be patient, give him time,etc…. He is very confusing as he tells me he is so attracted to me and wants me but he can not talk about our marriage, where it is going, how the separation is going, etc…. then complains to others we don’t communicate.

    It has taken me 9 months to get to where I am at today, more confidence, realizing I am worthy of a wonderful relationship and marriage, I am ready to get out of limbo and also I am making plans with friends! I have an upcoming wine country limo day, a week in Cabo with a girlfriend, my kids coming home to visit and other things planned. I did start back to school but realized after the first week I am just not ready. I need and want this unsettling in my marriage to end and I am ready. I am giving myself a timeline of 1 year, I don’t want to make a huge decision like divorce based on my emotions.

    Well I like the idea of getting together with this younger man on a casual basis. He did make it clear to me he wanted more but he knows my situation. So if he calls I will take this stance. We had such chemistry and that only added to my confusion right now.

    Keep it up ladies it really does get better. I feel such strength and change in me since I made the difficult decision that my husband had to live elsewhere if he was not going to participate in our reconciliation. He confessed he was fine and did not want to move out but I forced him out and would have legally if I had too. I did this for me as much as I did this for him too. Still the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life because I do still really love the man!

  43. Jewels,

    Thank you. Your words validate my feelings. I think I resonate with many of the women on this site who say that going though this makes you feel crazy. You begin to question the very person you are – your gut instincts, your life decisions and your moral compass. Watching the Grammy’s last night, I couldn’t help but take Adele’s song to heart – Rolling in the Deep. That, punctuated with the very real reminder that life is short. I am trying to be kind to myself.

    1. Laurel – Your welcome. Her performance was so good (Adele). Yes I so thought I was going crazy, literally, my brain was so worn out from too many emotions, it was mental trauma to the brain, seriously!

      Veil – absolutely you can feel sorry for him. I haven’t wrote about it on the site yet, but that is a big part of why it too me so long to leave, I was worried about how he would live, how he would survive. I always considered myself the ‘strong’ one, even after the affair, I was more worried about him than I was myself. And that also had to do with my self-esteem level at the time. You have been trained for years to think that way, but the fact that you recognize it is key, that is a huge step in the right direction.

      🙂 Good for you!

  44. So not sure why this happening but it must for a reason. Caught my husband once again in contact with the affair partner and she is of course saying my husband is really trying but I don’t believe him and still thinking of leaving…. told my husband I was letting her husband know and he had a fit. This turned into a talk and it just got uglier and uglier. Really see my husband of 25 years for who he truly is, a broken down shell of a man who still blames me and our marriage. It is like he is so resentful of me and this always happens after he talks to her, she is as toxic as he is. I am the cause of him not feeling good about himself, I did this, I did that, blah blah blah…..No matter what I said or how I said it, it was wrong. When I started crying he literally ran and fled. Leaves me with this home and all its maintenance and then tells me the yards need mowing, watering…. I have no interest in doing it and told him this and how great it is that he gets to flee to a room with no responsibility.

    So today I once again picked myself up off the floor, called an attorney and working to get my financial house in order. I am going into couples therapy alone to work through how I can let him go and get him to stop playing with my emotions. He can’t let me go but wants me to wait in the wings until he figures himself out, until he decides as he is confused. This would all but destroy me and it is all so very, very sad. He is losing customers because I either told someone who told them or they found out. Well hello, consequences to actions. Then he threatened me if I tell all the gym community then we have no hope of reconciliation. I am not sure what I will do but I am changing gyms and cancelling his membership as it comes out of my account. He can go in and re-establish and explain why.

    He tried to tell me our problems now having nothing to do with his affair. They have absolutely everything to do with it as we can not being our healing journey as long as he keeps her in the wings. It is so ugly and she is such an ugly person and that is their fear, my blabbing to all and they will look bad. Yep I am sure to him I am crazy…. he even is quitting therapy and told me he would rather be all alone then to deal with any of this. Also said he would have meaningless relationships, wow is all I can say. So I have to be strong for our 3 boys as their father is not a good influence at all. Blame game serves no purpose and every time I try to defend myself he shoots me down again. Like I said I continue to pick myself up off the floor. Helps to have wonderful family and friends.

  45. I never dreamed of being in this place. My heart goes to you all. We can question as much as we like but I don’t think we will ever get the answers we really want. WHY WHY WHY?????

    My life was turned upside down 1 1/2 years ago actually nearly 4 but the truth came out then. I knew something was going on with my husband but our life’s were always busy for me to look into it deeper as I always had so Much trust in him for the last 20 years.

    Having great businesses, three kids , activities ,
    house to keep up with never in my life did I think this would happen to me. I know he loves me and I love him and for some stupid reason even more that ever.

    Things started with him distancing himself and trying to pick stupid fights so now I realize to make it easy to slam the door behind him to get out. My husband had lost of stress running our 4 restaurants and being on top of things all the time. A man with a lots of taletnt and personality and just pure love of the industry. Our life was full of great holidays and fun until trouble started with partners who let him down and greed took over so did the drugs. I am so naive the only thing in my life that I knew of was marijuana . His addiction got bad even tho he still did well of hiding. Then he got clumpsy. Every time for two years if I found it went through lieing and promising me that never again. I thought I could get through to him. Little did I know that there was a prostitute that he was exchanging for that shit. I had my suspicions ( I am not that stupid 🙂 ) but couldn’t put my finger on it. Her name on his phone was a male name. So all the lies I believed. This went on for 3 years their till our last holiday my heart was shattered when I found photos and a home made videos of them on his computer.

    We have been in counseling before the discovery for drug addiction and depression . But then it hit a different path which still to this day I get so anxious and the pain that just keeps haunting me. We never separated and sometimes I feel I was too forgiving and rewarded him with more love. . I was so scared of loosing him to another
    woman . I never felt hate for anyone but the rage scared me. If I knew where she lived then OMG I don’t know what I would have done. I have texted her, I have found out where she works and where she lives , joined her website and found her on Facebook . Yes now do I sound crazy?? But yet haven’t faced her. What good will it do if she doesnt care who she hurts. These women are all the same for money , drugs or just pure selfishness . They don’t clean their jocks and socks , they don’t pay school fees run a honest business and don’t have the I am tired attitude . Hmmmm maybe I would be happy to wait for my husband every night ready for him too if I didn’t have those responsibilities.

    Yes I am still holding a lot of anger but my aim is to help my husband become the great man that he once was. What happens in the future I don’t know. I just hope that maybe I get to celebrate my 44th birthday this year in a happy way. I will never be the same trusting person 100 p/ cent but I hope that we can forgive a little each day.

    To many friends have been lost through this as I had to cut all ties as they were all involved and all sleeping with her. But the pain goes deeper. My best friend knew but wasn’t on the same page. I tried and both our husbands to get help but she knew about the drug issues as they were profiting out of it which shocked me and hurt me. You realize who your friends are when you in crisis. She was the only one I really confined in all those years. She saw me cry, she saw me in hospital with anxiety attacks . Yet all throughout that was still coming for financial help and no feeling towards me at all. So thank you girls feels like for the first time in nearly two years I poured my guts out without judgement . Good luck to you all with healing those broken hearts as I say WHAT DOENT KILL US MAKES YOU STRONGER. x

    1. Hello Ali, welcome to the site. You have been through alot, not only cheating but also drug addiction and losing close friends through it all. I believe you when he said he would pick fights, they do this to make themselves feel better about the cheating, my husband did the same thing. I told him the relationship changes once someone else is in the picture, you look at my different, and of course he denied it.

      I can’t imagine seeing such a video of your husband with someone else. Many cheaters get so lazy and blunt about it, as if they think they will never get caught, and typically that is when we find out.

      I sense that you still have some strong feelings towards your husband of anger for staying or not giving him a harder time. I think it is because you stayed out of a sense of fear instead of a sense of strength. Let me try to explain, if you stayed, but told him, I deserve to be treated with respect, so you are fortunate enough to have the opportunity to make this right, but if I find out again, it’s over. That is a place of – I am staying to give you a chance to make this right. The other way is ‘I am staying because I have to, I don’t want to lose you and I do not want to be alone, so I have to stay. In the second instance you are staying out of a sense of feeling stuck or obligated. And what typically happens is you suppress those strong feelings, one of them being resentment. So maybe you should talk about this with your counselor, I think you might benefit from trying to release those emotions. You are still in such pain, and I wish the best for you on your 44th as well, make it fun and make it about YOU!

      Jules – your husband seems to be in denial, and until he can take responsibility for his own actions, it will always be ‘your fault’ because he refuses to accept his own. I would cry at times as well when my husband would not get it and would blame me so easily. I would try and try to get him to explain why I was so hurt, until one day I realized, I can’t make him understand nor it is my job, if he wants to blame me and not grow, that is on him. I am not going to get upset or mad about his lack of understanding. And eventually, I moved out. Take care, whatever action you decide to take is what is best for you.

  46. Thanks and I totally agree and have been going through the resentment stage. I think I have worn out every feeling that was left . I think thank god for caffeen

  47. My apology I have wrote so much and deleted most of it when posted.
    Yes I hear what you saying and yet why do I feel that I need to stay to help him? Is it because I need him to be well for the kids to be the father and husband that he used to be? I have gone through every feeling that there is and yet for some reason we still have the strength to keep giving them a mother chance. Yes our councillor wants us to stay together . She sees how remorseful he is , how he’s willing to change even tho none of us can change what has happened. I am trying to be less angry but there is still a lot of it and as he’s been told he has to put up with me and be patient.
    He has been off ice for 1 1/2 years and my biggest fear is TRUST. Do I ever get it back totally.i just want to be able to not look at his phone or not get anxiety attack when he’s not answering it. I know that our love for each other will get us through and then again why did our love turn into a nightmare. We both have a lot to work through and it won’t be overnight . I have thought about leaving but my gut feeling keeps wanting to help him to get better . For us but mainly for himself so he can be that good person he once was.
    The quilt and seeing me still hurting is starting to hit him and the fear of me not coping with my anger is scaring him.he has told me mostly everything that I needed to know but of course I always have more questions about her that he is finding hard to tell me about. That is what he fears the most is me leaving him.Through all the counseling and learning about the drug I have been assured that he would not be capable doing what he did without it. Indeed to believe it for me to give him another chance I mean one more chance.
    I am not scared to be on my own. I have been doing it anyway running the restaurant, house and kids. They are keeping me sane and the coffee

  48. Having problems posting my full message but all I have to say is thanks once again. I find this site a much more comforting and soothing than my shrink as I don’t have to listen to my voice over and over like a broken record. So thanks once again reading hope you are all feeling better everyday

  49. Thought I was goind great. Have posted under other threads but this headline got me today. I had yet another meltdown on Thursday night. A day full of triggers — we are almost at one year since D-Day — mid-March. So I’m not in a great mood. I am just still so angry that she intruded into our life and that he did things for her that he has never done for me. And the same things he used to do with me. It’s like the same lines/game he played with me. I am staying but am torn why. Read what Jewels said to Ali — while I show a position of strength to my H, deep down I still feel like I’m betraying who I am as a person. Who would put up with this crap. We don’t have kids and I could just walk away and be financially ok. I guess I thought he was my soul mate and the love of my life — he says I’m his. He lost his way when he was down on himself and feeling insecure — but only wants to be with me. He has been an open book. Took yesterday off to be with me after such a painful Thursday night. I know his self-esteem was bad when he had an affair — I keep bringing things up and it makes him feel worse — so how is that good for him too? It’s almost like a good cry — it gets my stress about it out. And then I’m ok the next day — I feel like Sybil with multiple personalities. I know it’s getting better over the long haul — but I am so angry that they stole some of my spirit — my love for music — they made out in our car. So every day there are reminders — I ignore most of them — he is hurting as well. But I hope it keeps getting easier. Hugs to all this weekend. Thank you for listening (reading) — it’s more help than you know.

  50. I feel the same Ella it’s such a overwhelming feeling and it’s hits you unexpectedly. When you starting to feel better . I am starting to look after myself more physically just walking and some classes at the gym. It helps to clear the mind and makes it stronger. It doesn’t make the situation go away but it makes it easier knowing that there is so much you can get of your chest on this site without being judged . Right now I have no friends to talk to or trust so the couple of times letting it out there is just so comforting. I have been told by my therapist that it will become easier yeh but when? Why are men so stupid ? I also feel she got the better deal than me . The nice man , the best friend to talk to and laugh with. But in my situation he assures me that she meant nothing he would mostly pay her itch drugs. I keep looking on her website and Facebook for new posts and have posted couple . I think she has stopped because she realized it was me even tho we never met fare to face. I am not a hateful person but there are these women that don’t care who they hurt and makes me angry at her only even that there are so many others that do the same. Hope that we all start having more of the good days and our pain eases.

    1. Ella,

      Sorry you had a bad day, I understand when you say you feel like you are comprising a part of you. like he stole a part of you. And that is true, there was an innocence that I had prior that I do not have anymore, and part of me leaving with realizing that I could not be happy with him anymore. I know your husband is an open book, but something is still preventing you from trusting, and I am not sure if it is something that he is doing, or something from your past that is not letting you heal, you have a strong hold onto the pain, and I have read enough of your posts to think that your husband has done what he can, but there is something within you that is putting up a wall no matter what, and I think your work is to really think about what is causing that wall. Do you feel if you release some of the pain that he would be getting off the hook? I am not sure what it is, but I think you would benefit from some self-reflection or a therapist to help you uncover that block.

      Ali – Ali loves coffee lol! I know you mentioned your gut keeps telling you to help him to get better. And I get it, I had the same problem, but what I realized is that I was creating my own downfall by focusing on him, him, him, and neglecting myself. So it’s ok to help him, but not at the detriment of your own sanity, you have to make sure you have water before you pour some in someone else’s cup (or maybe I should say pour coffee lol).

  51. Hi Jewels — thank you so much for responding — you are dead on…… I needed to hear it — I think because there were so many offenses that I’m just on pins and needles all the time – he had female friends back in 2005 – he said he stopped communicating with them, but when I discovered this last EA with a different woman, I uncovered that he was still talking/texting them and even met one for drinks after work. Their texts were more suggestive/kidding in nature — so that is just such a blow — he claims it all happened at the same time when he snapped from all of the stress. Obviously despite telling the EA woman he loved her, how could he go out with yet another? Something made him crazy — and he really has to identify how he is going to deal with boundaries. He is going to his counselor next week, but I don’t know that he’s 100% into that. Most men aren’t….but he is going. I am so afraid it will happen again — It’s the humiliation I think of staying with him. He complained about me/his job situation/kids issues to many people. It wasn’t really me — but his lack of skills in dealing with anything that made him annoyed — he’s a runner. Never stands up to me ever — I wish he would — so we could have healthy discussion. He is better now — but back then, he apparently just would get mad and then go to someone else because he hates conflict of any kind and is a people pleaser. My heart wants to love, but my head gets stuck in the logic of protecting myself from someone who so easily betrayed me. I guess that’s what I need to uncover. Thanks so much for following along on my posts. It helps to hear what you observe from our writing. Seriously – it helps so much.

  52. well, the time has come. it was one yr march 6 of being seperated. i went last week to see my lawyer for a divorce. this is the scarist thing ever to do. but since i cant move on and all i think about is the betrayal lies etc .. i know things would never be the same. i dont love him and i dont hate him. im just so hurt still even after a year. he had a 6 yr affair with someone thats hard to put behind. than another one after she dumped him. im very emotional today because i know what is coming and it wont be pretty. my poor son who is 8 i feel bad for him. i just needed to get this off my chest. thanks

    1. Veil – a 6 year affair is tough, please write an update as it has been a couple of weeks since you posted and let me know how things are going. There are many women that have been where you are, including myself. So you are not alone.

      Ella – you are so welcome, I get overwhelmed sometimes with the responses but I try my best to response to as many as I can, it’s good dialogue and interaction. Your husband’s personality is interesting. Many men do not talk about issues within the marriage to anyone, they want to put on a ‘everything is good in my home image’. It’s also interesting that he avoids confrontation, so much so that you want it, I have not been with that type of person, but just reading it I can see how that can be frustrating when you are trying to show something and he doesn’t take a stand. It’s a tough balance. Take Care – I hope you have a great weekend!

  53. Well, I have decided to file for divorce. He was served 2 weeks ago.. He has said to me he is very saddened about my decision to end our family. i had to laugh. I told him he ended it when he decided to put his you know what where for 6 yrs with someone else. He said I need to put all the darkness in a jar and throw it out. So easy for the cheater to say. I know i would always bring it up every chance i get. Sometimes, I second guess myself on if I’m doing the right thing bacause we have an 8 yr old but he had 2 different affairs and sex texting with a 3rd person. It’s too much to forget. Well, let me know what you think. thanks, veil

    1. Hello Veil,

      I am proud of you!! Especially when he threw in that line about the decision to end the family. Men that cheat always use that line – oh you are breaking up the family, blah blah blah. You are so right, they showed how important family was when they took the risk to cheat. I use to believe my husband for a while, until I realized it was all a part of the game he was playing to make himself feel good and once again, blame me. I wish you well, there is a book called Divorce the Sandcastle’s way, I would get that to understand what your son will be going through, it helped me!

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