Conversation With A Former Cheating Spouse

I was having lunch with a co-worker who is very happy now in his second marriage. I asked him what happened in his first marriage (that lasted for twelve years). He said he cheated on his wife during the first year of their marriage, and he feels that she never was able to recover from it.

This scared me for three reasons.

1. Even after working on their marriage for twelve years after the affair, they still ended up divorcing.

2. The fact that she was still angry and bitter over the affair twelve years later was sad.

3. He seems to understand he was wrong, but he is very happy now and she still seems to have some issues. I would imagine that the opposite would be true. After all, he did this to her, so he’s the one who should be messed up!

I did feel better when he explained that he really doesn’t think they really worked on their relationship after the infidelity. Instead, they just got along for the sake of getting along and slept in separate beds for ten years. He also said that there were other things going on in the relationship that also contributed to the divorce.

The thing that really made me think is the fact that they both stayed in an unhappy relationship for twelve years! I don’t want to stay in a relationship where I’m just going through the motions for that long (see Dealing with infidelity). And I certainly don’t want you to do the same. It is perfectly normal be in what I call “limbo stage” where you are just going through the motions of a marriage until you decide what you want to do, but please try not to stay in this stage for twelve year, you deserve a better life.