Husband caught cheating and blaming me?

My husband was caught cheating in March 2009, and a week later, my baby boy was born.

Want to know what just made me sick about this entire experience? I was less upset with the fact that my husband was caught cheating and  more angry at his reaction when I found out. He just didn’t care that he had hurt me at all. I just knew when he saw how distraught I was, he would hold me in his arms with tears down his eyes professing his sincere apologies. Instead I got, “Well, this is your fault, you drove me away.” His reaction tore me to pieces.

I so wanted him to understand how hurt I was. How could he be so mean? How selfish could he be? How could he not be humbled by seeing me literally at the lowest point in my life? I have watched all the movies where cheating husbands are so sorry for their infidelity, but in real life my husband felt totally justified in cheating. (Read more about Why men cheat.)

After many tears and much emotional pain, I realized that I was trying to get him to give me the reaction I wanted. I wanted him to be as hurt as I was, and I never got that. And now I am at the point where I don’t need him to be. It was my own lack of confidence that was begging for him to be as hurt as I was—and even if he was, he did not show it.  Although I will never fully understand his response, I am at the point where I don’t need his reaction anymore.

Ladies, you don’t need your cheating husbands’ reaction, either. Don’t look for him to react the way you want him to (or the way you see in the movies), because you will be disappointed.

Update – August – 2014 – It’s interesting years later reading this post. I was very upset by my ex-husband’s reaction. Thanks to this site, I realize that my ex-husband’s reaction is very common. I believe when a person is cheating, they justify their actions which often comes off as ‘my wife is not doing x, y, z, therefore I deserve to cheat’. So when they are caught, that same ‘I deserve to cheat’ recording goes off and into overdrive because they do not know how to react. I was so broken by his response, but knowing what I know now, if I could go back to the old me, I would probably take it as a reflection on his own character versus taking it as an nonchalant way of attacking me.

Hugs to you all!

Be positive, stay strong, and remember that you will recover.

20 thoughts on “Husband caught cheating and blaming me?”

  1. Sweetheart, you are 100% right. My husband cheated, and my reaction has been little to nothing. He’s nervous because he’s sending me text messages and calling me denying what he did. All of these cheating bastards will reap what they have sown!

  2. Yes they will. It’s crazy how they try to prove or deny what is obvious, they just don’t realize that is making it worse, now your a cheater and a liar!! Best of luck with your situation!!

  3. I fully agree. After the cheating he denies & lies which make it much worst to trust or believe in the future. Trying to rebild relationship becomes almost impossible. My second husband was worned by me, while we were dating, that I would not tolerate cheating even once but it did not stop him. The best is to leave & let him be miserable by himself. Trust me he will be.

  4. Thanks Frances for your comment. Once we leave, and they realize what they messed up, I think they will start to feel it, by that time, it is too late and we are not turning around. It just sucks that we tell our men that this is unacceptable, and then they turn around and do it, GEEZ!!!

  5. You know ladies i just experienced the very same feeling last night from my not to long aquatint. I have noticed the difference in him calling me and texting me from over a month and a 2 weeks ago. There was a change in his pattern and constant business late in the evening. Avoiding me visiting him. In other words not making himself available to me. I decided to stop by last night after repeated calling and texting because he told me he had gotten hurt and had gone to the hospital. No answer. So i went anyway. I have been feeling like something hasn’t been right with him for the past week and a half. And ladies when you have that gut feeling inside. Listen to it. I was correct in how i was thinking. The low life was cheating. I was pissed. I treated the situation like a lady and got the hell out of there. I’m done. I can’t put up with cheating men. The sad part is that I really liked him and enjoyed being with him. I even noticed the way he became very short with me when texting and talking over the phone. I even asked the liar had something changed with us. And he continued to lie to me.

    1. Hello Precious, sorry to hear about your situation. Most men lie about cheating, it’s basically a standard. I am glad that you went with your gut feeling to know something was going on. Many times we don’t want to listen to that feeling we have. It seems like you’re not married and so hopefully you can end it pretty quickly, even though some of the same feelings apply. Best of luck!

  6. hello everyone,
    first off i want to say thank you for this site.
    i’ve been married for 14 yrs this june..no children..i had a horrible childhood, beaten , sexual abuse, called names daily that was instilled in my brain.. i didn’t speak of my past among outsiders.. only to siblings.. so trust was a huge issue in me.. when i met my hubby i truly believed i was sent an angel from god..it took years but i finally opened up to him..i poured my whole insides out to him..it felt as if i was so clean,with such peace inside..i was so solid inside for once..
    then last year my entire guts was ripped out from my throat..
    see my hubby is in the army & he is deployed a lot..i’ve never been in 14yrs, went thru his wallet nor cell, nor laptop..i trusted him with every vital inch of my heart.
    but last june while he was deployed–out of nowhere..i got this aweful gut feeling inside that something was not right..all i kept hearing was this fate voice inside to check his email..well how was i to do that when i don’t know his password..
    well lets say it took some time but thank ..GOD..i knew his security question..
    all look normal until i scrolled down some..then i read the words i never in my life thought i would..how great it was to spend those 4 dys with her & etc..
    i went into a severe panic & thought what will i do..we had the best marriage—talked for hours,did everything toether..never fight..
    well when he called me from deployment the next day–i asked him about it..
    he denied it.even with the emails in my face..swear to god he would never betray me..i was the love of his life..etc..well i would not let this go & i sent this woman an email..come to find out she is also married to a soldier as well.my husband met her online while in iraq..when he got home from iraq he had this class in another state where she flew out & got a hotel room for 4 dys with my hubby..well that was in 2007 i didn’t find the email until last june & they were still talking,online sex & etc..2007 UNTIL 2011..well she told me what i knew already..but my hubby still denied it all..i was mature about this..it’s not her fault,she had no clue he was married..he told her he was divorced..well that was ended real quick..we became friends..i respected her because she was up front & very polite with me.she cried too as well with me over this..but this gets even better now..when i found those emails my hubby was in korea..and yep, he had a girl friend over there too..a juicy girl from the bar..the ones who a soldier has to pay for sex..this pinay didn’t like the fact i caught my wonderful hubby with her..she was not nice & to be honest she was extremely nasty mouth when she spoke..very rude..she was angry that i cut off her funds..i called the banks & reported his bank cards stolen..so yep..he got what he deserved..he wants to work this out – i want to be alone..i gave him 14yrs exciting years..now i want the next 14 yrs or so to be my peace of mind..i just don’t know how i will do this..but i have the inner strength in me still from all i went thru as a child..i am a fighter..i will survive no matter how much i hurt..the sun will still shine tomorrow for me..i will embrace it with my empty arms …

    1. Hello Traci,

      Welcome to the site. It sucks when you share things your planned to share with no one, and then they betray you. Your husband’s reaction is common, the deny deny deny until it is fact, such a typical response. You seem like prior to this you had many good memories with him – those memories are still there. You will learn from this experience and like you said, you are a fighter. Focus on the lesson and what life is trying to teach you and you will be fine. Take Care.

  7. Hi all,
    I’m so happy for having found this site. I don’t know any of you but I really feel attached. why is it like that? why the person that I loved the most in my life now has turned out to be a stranger but those who I don’t know at all are my friends? anyway, I had the same experience in the last two weeks. at first I was so mad at him for ruining my life and my childish trust in love. actually he wasn’t ashamed at all. he told me the whole story and put the blame on me for not paying him the attention I used to do. we had some problems in our marriage because we married purely based on love. I was 17 and he was 19 when we met. we married 3 years ago. he always told me that he cannot live without me. after these two weeks he has changed alot. I’m not sure weather I can live without him. He says he loves me now but how can I forgive him? If I knew that my leaving him would make him repay I would have done that, but the problem is that he doesn’t seem to care anymore. he says now I only want to enjoy my life and if you want it too stay with me. one reason that I’m still with him is that I don’t want to suffer when he is having fun with others.

  8. I also need to mention some other things. he was a marijuana user. when we met he stopped smoking but he started to smoke again last year. I tried to stop him but it didn’t work out. in the last few months he accused me of cheating on him but it was only an illusion! he even beat me once for that(it wasn’t severe and more like a child fight) but It hurt my feelings badly and I left home and went to my parent’s house. he came after me and my parents reacted harshly, even my brother beat him back ( he deserved it!) finally I came home to pack my things that night but he begged me to stay and I did it. after that he kept a grudge of me and repeatedly told me that I did a wrong thing. anyway we kept on living together. suddenly two weeks ago he told me that he had made friends with a girl to talk about me and to settle his doubtful thoughts about me. I got angry and he promised to cut it off. but the girl kept texting him. I was so confused and I didn’t know what to do. last week he got friends with another girl. one night he didn’t come home and stayed in that girl’s place. they had sex too. the funny thing is that both of the girls had fell in love with him! the first one knew about me but the other didn’t know.
    after having sex he got completely changed. he always told me the truth about anything that happened. we were so close and 8 years deeply in love. we talk about our problem in a mature way. he thinks that his doubting me was a base-less thought and also the reason for his cheating on me! he has quit smoking weed for one week now and he says that marijuane was the root of all our problems including his cheating. but he says that he knows that it is too late. he says he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore and he has heft the decision to me. can I trust him ?

  9. Dear Jewels,
    I’ve read all of your comments for the others. do you know something? you are so strong, brave,wise, devoted and caring! I don’t know how can you manage to read all these problems and soothing broken hearts!! but you are doing a really precious job! I wish to be like you one day. By the way, I thing your ex husband is a fool. he has lost a real jewelery!!!!!

    1. Thanks Sarah for your kind words and support (hugs!), words like yours keep me going!

      As far as your husband…sigh……it’s tough. Was doesn’t rub me the wrong way is that he is having sex with multiple women, and them blaming you. Blaming you for the affair (which is exactly what my husband use to do as well) really means that they haven’t taken responsibility for their actions. They truly feel justified for having the affair. So you didn’t pay attention to him…..so when you have kids, you are not going to pay attention to his as much, does that means he will feel justified to go cheat again? He can’t just wake up one day and say, ok, I love you now, I will stop. Smoking weed can alter your state, but it doesn’t make you cheat. It seems like he is still trying to blame other forces on his actions, and that is not cool because since he doesn’t take responsibility , he is always going to have an excuse to cheat.

      The other thing was that he hit you. I know you say it wasn’t that bad…BUT I was in an abusive relationship before, and I would say the same thing all the time, it wasn’t that bad. Just be careful with that. I will tell you, my husband that cheated, he never once laid a hand on me, never ever tried, and we had some heated arguments, a man should never put his hands on you, regardless of the situation. I know you might think, well I did make him mad, or I shouldn’t of pushed his buttons (things I always told myself), but no excuse.

      There are men out there that do not cheat and do not put their hands on you (and that do not smoke weed). Trust me, you can live without him, he is more scared of you leaving because he knows he messed up with a good woman.

      Lastly, if you decide to leave, just make sure you be careful on how you do it, if he has put his hands on you before, the moment that he realizes that you might actually leave could leave to drama, so just make sure you have some family support, be safe and take care!!

  10. My husband of 8 years has cheated for 3 1/2 years that I’m aware of. I moved out about 4 mths ago and he pushed me to move back in. That was the worse mistake I could of done. He kept pushing me to show him more affection and I could not do it. He left on Friday while I was at work to go to a friends house out of state without telling me. He did not return until Monday while I was at work. I moved out again while he was gone the weekend. I went to our house after I got off work on Monday and ask him what the problem was and he said he had to get away because I could not show him the affection that he wanted. My husband has not worked in 4 years due to a back injury. Over the past 4 years he has took many weekends away form home. He would just get his clothes and leave how ever long he would want. He has a drinking and pill problem. He has cut back on his drinking since I moved out the 1st time. He is begging to work this out and I am so confussed and have so much resentment towards him. I need advice.

    1. Hello TinaA.,

      Your husband seems to have some problems, is he willing to get some help on his own? Like I stated with Sarah, he has not taken responsibility for his actions, so he cheats because you are not affectionate. Well, my husband said the same thing and I was like, well not the affectionate manner is really out the window because now I have resentment, so how was cheating going to help that problem? When a man cheats and does not take responsibility for his actions, that is a sign that he is going to put pulling the marriage together on you. Sure he will ask you to come back, but what action is he doing to make it right? Going away for a weekend is surely not a step in the right direction. He needs to show you he is committed, show you that he is serious about getting the help he needs. You can not pull the weight of him being committed and getting help for his problems, he has to do that. And in the event that he does those two things on his own, then you might want to look into recovery of the marriage, because at that point, he has put in some effort, not just ‘I want you back. Just my opinion, take care!

  11. Dear Jewels,
    Thanks for your advice. It meant a lot to me because I’m really confused now. one day I decide to stay and fix it all but the next day I totally change my mind. I think I wrote it in a misleading way: actually he slept with one them once ( I know it doesn’t make any difference;-)! ) I don’t think he would hurt me anymore (at least physically). He says that he was obsessed with me but he isn’t now because he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore. I know I sound stupid but now I feel like I’m obsessed with him. He had all the things I wanted in a man and I had all my first experiences with him even my first kiss. we decided to give sometime to think. my MA studies will be finished by summer. maybe after that I take an scholarship and go abroad for my PhD. anyway thanks for your helping me get through this struggle. your words give me the strength to move on. :-***********

  12. Dear Jewels,
    Its midnight and I’m alone again. Today he packed his things up and left the house. Actually I made him do that. I think he’s with that girl now. I wanted to give him sometime to think it over that’s why I pushed him to leave. I guess he doesn’t bother to even use his chances to stay with me. I feel so foolish and lonely……..but I see myself in the beginning of a journey….

  13. Dear Jewels,
    Me & my husband had love marriage of 4 yrs..before dat we had been together for 7 yrs..i delivered baby boy on 15 dec 2012. last week i got call from a gul who confessed she was having an affair wid my husband from last 3 yrs & but now when she got to know about my baby she called me up..I was shocked to know dis after my marriage he had an affair, he slept wid her..even he cheated her saying he’ll marry her..he broke my trust, he lied to me..one day his frnd told me about his affair..but he denied & i trust him..I m very hurt..i wanted to end dis relationship but as i m mommy now my parents don’t allow me to do so..i don’t want to make my baby suffer..now he’s very guilty about his behaviour..he says i truly love you & i was just doing timepass wid dat gul but now i m not in position to forgive him..i m confussed in future how can i trust him..i m such a women who can’t forget small issues also…how can i cope up wid him as before..plz guide me..

  14. My husband cheated on me on several times, i only know of the 3 girls but the last affair lasted for 5 years up to 2010, the most painful part of this affair is that they work together even if he claims to have parted ways but they still see each other at work, of late he used to have strong feelings for her, i almost killed myself coz i couldnt take it anymore coz i used to treat the girl as my young sister. the painful part is that i dont have anyone to talk to ,if i try to tell him how i feel about it he just dont want to hear about the past but surprisingly he communicates with her. i love this guy so much, right now he is not talking to me what can i do, i cant leave him coz we have a12 year boy i would want my kid to know about our misunderstandings and that his dad is a jerk, am not that strong to leave him pliz help!

  15. I thought I had the only complicated story. I am glad to see that I am not alone. I have been waiting for the “right reaction” from my husband. We had a wonderful 18 month courtship and we waited until our wedding night to consummate our love. Well…he was a jerk from the wedding night on. He has been cheating (emotionally) since before our wedding…fantasizing about my friends, his friend’s wives…and a couple one night stands from college. The bonus was when he came home from visiting is family and told me he was still in love with a girl from college…mind you…this is all a fantasy! He hasn’t spoken to her in 20 years. What an ass. Since it was a fantasy…I thought we could move on…we have 2 teenagers…a very difficult time.

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