Cheating Husbands and The Second Phone

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Cheating Husbands and The Second Phone post image

Photo courtesy of Emily Hildebrand https://www.flickr.com/photos/emilyrachelhildebrand/

Ah…what lengths most of our husbands will go through to keep the affair going. Before I created this site, if someone were to tell me the following story, I would have said what kind of sick person would go to such great lengths to lie and be deceptive. Until that ‘person’ ended up being my husband (now ex-husband), and surprisingly, many cheating husbands.

After I found out about the affair, we were in ‘recovery mode’, trying to work on the marriage. My husband at the time came home from work and put his phone down, which was different from his normal phone. By the time I walked over to get the phone, he grabbed it.

About two weeks before this situation came up, I told him that I was going to stop being paranoid about the cheating, stop trying to check his phone/email and just try to focus on the marriage. We argued about the phone, and of course he had a lie for why he had it (special work project), but I never got to actually see the phone.

One week later I found out he was still cheating. I put two and two together and realized that he had a second phone that he used to communicate with the OW. At the time, I was thinking, “Just tell me you don’t love me and leave! Why go through all this?” He wanted the wife, house and kids, and the woman on the side. What kind of person did I marry?

The only reason I am writing this post is because at the time, I thought my husband was the only one in the world that actually get a second phone to keep up the affair (who does that?). Now, after interacting with women for years on this topic, the ‘second phone’ is more common than I would expect. Sometimes I think there is a ‘cheating handbook’ that is passed around; the similarities in techniques are strangely similar.

  • Ellieowl October 27, 2013, 2:50 AM

    My husband had an affair. He met the woman when our baby was 7.5 months old and it was 6 weeks before our wedding. He married me anyway because and I quote “I thought it would fizzle out with her eventually, and that we would just go back to normal”.
    We had been married four months when I found out the whole truth and I had some random woman texting me telling me that my husband and her had been having an affair for 5 months. She knew about me and our baby and she told my husband to get a second phone. He hid it in his van so I knew nothing about it until she told me about everything else. I too have found out since that a second phone is very common.
    There is more to my story as well honestly it’s like a soap opera!! But the short version is I am now trying to sort out a divorce for a marriage that never really existed. While my husband and the skank are living a happy cosy life in what was our family home. They have recently been on two holidays together, while he owes me money and I am paying for the divorce because I want it sorting so badly!
    Somebody please tell me it gets better because I left him 9 months ago and I am still so angry. I am very up and down one day I am loving my new life with my baby and the next I feel down again! Is that normal all these months later?!

    • Jewels November 2, 2013, 7:54 AM

      Ellieowl,

      Yes, it is normal all those months later, it took me about 2 years to feel like myself again. It might take a shorter time for you depending on how much time you spend working on yourself, therapy, ect. This is an emotional trying experience. And I know I was so use to just googling the answer to feel better but you can’t in this case, you have to let it go through the process. Make sure he takes responsibility for his child with support and visits. And him and the OW might be having fun now, but trust me, it will pass, don’t focus on them, the relationship started on unstable grounds, and every day that she is with him, she will be wondering if he is going to do the same thing to her. Not a good way to live. Hang in there, it will get better.

  • Betrayedkat November 15, 2013, 12:47 PM

    My husband works away and I recently found out he’s
    Had affairs. There were numbers on our phone but he also had a second work phone. One of the women contacted me and was very graphic and hurtful. I can’t get her words out of my head even though he says its over and wants to work it out. I try not to think about it but somedays I wonder if it will happen again or if there is still something going on. We’ve been married 20 years. The worst part is trying to get her words out of my head. So hurtful. Feeling lost.

    • Jewels November 21, 2013, 1:36 AM

      Betrayedkat,

      Yep, that second phone trick is just crazy. I know exactly what you mean about some of the words. I remember when I talked to the OW, she wasn’t graphic, but certain things she told me I just could not get out of my head, she told me she met some of my ex-husband’s family. I couldn’t believe the level of disrespect. And her words kept ringing in my head. So you are not alone. It is just a faded thought at this point but I remember trying to stop those thoughts from entering my head and being unsuccessful. Years later, I have had the opportunity of talking with many women who are the OW. I realize now that the reason they call is to say hurtful things in order to hurt our husbands by hurting us. Once I realized this, I looked at the conversation I had with her from a totally different perspective, and was less impacted by her words. I hope this helps, take care!

  • Ellieowl November 24, 2013, 4:23 AM

    Thanks Jewels

    When I sit back and look at the whole picture I think I am doing better than I give myself credit for.
    At the beginning of their affair she knew all about me and our baby and did it anyway. Eventually he told her that we had split up and were living together as friends for our son!! She sent me pictures of him in her bed and her words still haunt me now! “You had only just had his kid and he went looking elsewhere!”
    Initially I took him back but he got back in touch with her! That’s when I left him! I moved 200miles away to where I grew up to be with my family.
    He just went off with her just like that! He moved her into the house we rented as a family and she has contact with my son against my wishes.
    It’s been nearly a year now and I am 30 in two weeks so the anniversary is looming.
    But when I look at the whole situation I realise I am doing fine! I have the support of my amazing family and friends, I have a great new job and I am actually happier without him!! I didn’t even realise I was unhappy!!
    The issue I am having is with jealousy and anger. She has literally taken my whole life! She drinks in our pub, is well in there with his family and spends time with our friends because he is with her. Our friends have even said she is just a younger version of me! She has literally just swooped in and taken my whole life and that makes me so angry! She has my house, my dog, people I felt were my family and friends and my husband! I feel like I have been cloned!
    He hasn’t even tried to create a different life with her, he has literally just replaced me with her!
    So even though I am better off back in my home town with my family and true friends, I still feel anger and jealousy due to her literally taking my life! A life that wasn’t even that great!!
    I’m so confused, angry and jealous. Why do I feel like this when I am happier with my current life? I think it’s the injustice they don’t deserve to just go off like they have. Whatever it is I know it’s unhealthy. I have my first therapy session this week so hopefully that will help. How else can I stop this as it’s very unhealthy!
    Many thanks in advance

    • Jewels November 24, 2013, 8:24 PM

      Ellieowl,

      You said two really critical things in your email and I am not sure you even noticed. First you said that you are happier now and you didn’t even know you were unhappy. That is such a blessing for you to know that and to experience an overall better sense of well-being. Second, you said that she took over your role in a life that wasn’t that great. Um…….let her have it!! Let her have that unhappy not so great life!!! She might act happy but you know deep down exactly what she is getting if you know what I mean. Let her have it!! Glad you are in therapy, look forward to progress!!

  • Ellieowl November 25, 2013, 6:56 AM

    Thanks Jewels,
    I have read some of the posts on here and your journey and the realisations you have had a long the way are very similar to my own thoughts and feelings. when your book is finished do you know if it will be available in the UK?
    Yeah I know what she is getting, he is very selfish and very good at getting his own way. I was young and naive when I got involved with him and thought things would change once we were married and had our baby but they didn’t. I just feel that if I let go of the anger and the hatred I have towards them both it is like saying that what they did was okay and it’s not. But then on the other hand the only person that it is bothering is me, they don’t care they just carry on! When I actually take stock of how far I have come since D-day I am better off in every way and I am a stronger and better mum for it. Hmmm maybe I should start thanking them!!

  • K November 25, 2013, 3:52 PM

    I didn’t know where to put this, but I need help. I started dating my now husband at 17. Now I am 29 and we have been married 1 year and have a 9 month old. I have been feeling suspicious for quite some time and started snooping in his phone. At first I found nothing. Last week was our one year anniversary. 2 days after that I looked in the phone and fet like such a bitch doing so. Turns out I was right. I found an Ashley Madison account and a secret email account. This was users to exchange explicit photos with women and men! The times were when my husband was supposed to be our baby! They went back months…I am devastated. I confronted him and he is repentant. Crying, saying it started with curiosity and got out of control. He swears nothing physical happened, but in my mind, he still cheated

  • K November 25, 2013, 3:55 PM

    I just don’t know what to think. I feel I can’t trust him. He swears it had nothing to do with me or us, that it is his stupidity…this just happened so I am still so broken up. I believe nothing physical happened but that it would have. My whole family is 2000 km away. I have no support.

  • Tabbycat December 2, 2013, 3:35 AM

    We feel deeply in love and for 8 years lived together in a loving relationship and pledged our future together, living in my property. Two years ago his job was in jeopardy of redundancy so he looked for a career move which was achieved and moved this spring 200 miles from home. That’s when things changed. He said he wanted to sort out all the practicalities as he was unsure I would adjust to the move and I had to sort out my property which we were leaving behind. But slowly I felt squeezed out. He said he loved and missed me and hoped I could adapt but never gave me the chance. I have visited lots and been received with open arms but then suggested I shouldn’t stay. Then I discovered lots of texts from aw and found out she had visited him with another male friend on four occasions. (she had always had the hots for him). But when confronted he denied any affair saying they were all just mates and why didn’t I trust him. Then a month ago I found she had visited on her own, I asked again and again it was denied but he got very angry and told me never to contact him again as he couldn’t believe I wouldnt believe him and I haven’t heard from him since but believe he has been on holiday to the far east and has another organized for south America in the ny. He has bought an expensive car too – blowing loads of savings which were suppose to be for a new home. My dilemma is – was I wrong to question his trust, why has he dumped the fantastic life we had ( everyone including him said so) – there were really no signs. We did everything together, lived the dream really and he was so loving and believe me I ve relived everything. So why is he continuing to persue this new “friendship” and cut me out of his life. I’m lost and so sad and hurt. His move was, he said, all about the career move!

    Ps. He left his first wife and 2 children, due to depression, in his twenties – five years before we met and told me he never ever wanted to go thru it again. I had a great relationship with his two boys and they spent a great deal of their school hols with us over the 8 years.

  • Sharon January 16, 2014, 12:43 PM

    About a year and half ago just before my breast cancer surgery I found out my husband was seeing a 26 year old prostitute that did drugs. He was bringing her to the house when I was out of town. She took my car and damaged the car. I could not get it out of my mind she was in my house. I found he brought her a phone clothes and gave her money for drugs. he said he didn’t do anything which I did not believe. I finally got a camera and caught him in the act now we are getting a divorce. I just can’t believe he did this. I want to tell his kids but not sure I should.

    • Jewels January 24, 2014, 12:21 AM

      Hi Sharon,

      Concerning telling his kids, it depends on your intention. If the plan is to show his kids what kind of person he is, be very cautious, those type of situations tend to backfire very easily. In my mind it’s really not the business of his kids to know. They will eventually or probably already know how dad is. And if they don’t, then why complicate things more than they already are. I would turn it around and focus it more on the divorce, moving, and rebuilding your life. If the kids ask why, tell them that they should really go to their dad to understand what is going on. Let him say it. Just a suggestion, take care!

  • Mel October 13, 2014, 2:21 AM

    My husband and I lived apart for several months when he took a job in another state. The reason I stayed behind was to allow my son to finish out the school year and sell our house. For some dumb reason, my husband decided to rent a house shared with a female. He told me about this and I wasn’t suspicious. However, the firs ttime I came up to visit him, I found one of those disposable prepaid phones hidden in one of his shoes. He had deleted all the call history on it, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt when he said it was work only. However, the woman he was rooming with looked me up on facebook and informed me about the affair. I am lost. I have a baby and a child in second grade. I live 600 miles away from any family or support. I guess my only choice is to forgive him…. for now.

  • Barbara April 9, 2017, 3:38 AM

    My partner/husband of t
    31 years has had liaisons through our time together we have 2 children and foe the sake of the kids I listened to his excuses time again he said they were just friends then I got his phone bill with a number in 60 or more text messages in one day he insisted there was no sec they were friends I believed him tried to put it behind us but from time to time I know he still met up with her. About s year ago he went away for 3 days claiming to have gone on a training course. I was suspicious and wouldn’t let it drop I badgered him for 3 months then he admitted to a fling which he said lasted 3 months my gut told me different while we were trying to work it out I kept chipping away to find his affair had been going on for 8 years in the middle of all this he disclosed some horrendous child abuse. I was working things out but now realise he is a compulsive liar he said he would get help and is dragging his feet. This man has put me through untold pain over the years I’m a mess and need to break free – help

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