Cheating and Sex and Communication Breakdown

This sucks. I expected after an event like this that my husband would be warm and understanding, easy to communicate with, and most of all, humble. Instead, what I get is a huge communication gap. Let me explain.

Have you ever begun a conversation with the plan to open your heart and share your feelings with your husband, and the conversation went horribly wrong? This is what talking with my cheating husband is like. I go to him when I’m stressed or want to get something off my chest, and I leave feeling even worse!
I thought our problems with conversations were something that we could easily work on. Boy was I wrong. In order for your husband to work on something, he has to take responsibility for his role, which seems impossible for my husband to do.

In some ways, I think this breakdown in communication contributed to the affair. Prior to me finding out about the affair, I would leave conversations with him frustrated and stressed. So when it’s time to go to bed and do the dirty, I am pissed off—pissed off that he wants to have sex when I can’t even talk to him. So now I am mad, lonely, pissed off, hormonal and pregnant, not a good combo. So now my husband is mad that I rejected him, and so he cheats.

I now think that my cheating husband actually used my stress and anger about the way we were communicating to justify cheating in exactly the way I just said. For instance, I would tell him, if he comes in at 4am, do not wake me up for sex, I am pregnant and tired. He would come in at 4am, try to have sex, when I said no I think in his mind he would say ‘Yep, this is exactly why I am cheating.’ Now in all honesty, before he had an affair we were having problems with sex. But it really angers me that during his affair I felt like I was hitting a brick wall with him and constantly blaming myself for our problems when another woman was the problem. I tried to tell my husband recently that when you cheat, it’s 100 times harder to fix the problems in your marriage because now you’re comparing your wife to the other woman. He never realized how arrogant he got once he started cheating; he didn’t want to work on anything then.

But I feel like if we just worked on our issues together with open minds and without another woman involved, things would have gotten better. If we could have talked to each other, things would have gotten better. If we would have gone to professional counseling, things would have been better. I wish we could have talked more without me feeling terrible and without him blaming me and accusing me. I also wish he would have been a little bit more understanding about the impact being pregnant had on my emotions and how often I wanted to have sex.

Although we had a communication breakdown, at the end of the day, when things started getting rough, he had options that did not include cheating. I understand that he was frustrated too, but I still think he took the easy way out.

19 thoughts on “Cheating and Sex and Communication Breakdown”

  1. I thought he’d be sorry and do what ever it takes to make the marriage work. Instead he said he’d understand if I wanted a divorce.

  2. My husband said the same thing because he thought it was the right thing to say. Have you asked if he would be willing to work things out with you?

  3. He said he wants to be with me. I don’t feel like he’s really into trying. I am not positive that he’s really done with the ow.

  4. CurlyQ, our men say what we want to hear at that moment, but it has to have meaning behind it. They were caught doing something wrong and really have nothing else to say. I wanted my husband to grovel at my feet everyday but it never happened.
    My husband told me he wanted to be with me for the rest of our lifes and then 2 weeks later would say he hated me and wanted out of the marriage. This went on for 3 yrs. I finally started taking care of myself and not him anymore to show him I didn’t need him. That turned him around, he started paying attention to me and the family and not himself as much.

  5. So, since I found out 2 weeks ago today, I have wanted sex all the time. Of course, my H isn’t going to say no, but I’m sure he is wondering what’s going on and is afraid to ask because I might stop. Without being a psychologist or any kind of counselor or therapist, I can only guess that it’s because I want to feel good, I want to feel loved by him or that I want to show him what he’s got (for now anyway). Strangely enough, I can enjoy myself without thinking about the OW and what he did with her and if she was as good – not possibly better. Thoughts?

  6. Natalie, I think we are twins only I’m 3 weeks ahead of you, since the Big Reveal. The sex thing wore off a bit for me. Stress release? Feeling loved? Natural instinct? Who knows. To me it has something to do with loneliness too.

    1. CurlyQ – Our husbands sometimes get caught up with the OW. It seems that you feel he might not be done with the OW. Do you know if he ended it? Is he being open with his phone/email, is he building trust? If the affair was longer than a couple of months he might of caught feelings. But since you don’t know for sure, just watch me. I wasn’t sure either and a few months later found out he was still seeing her. Might not be the case in your situation, but just watch and observe, you will know either way soon.

      Natalie – The sex thing is interesting. For me, I actually wanted to have sex, but couldn’t because I just had my child. I was pissed because I felt that by not being able to have sex, the OW had a leg up on me. I wanted it bad because I wanted my husband to want me, and by having sex, I knew he still wanted me. There is also a healing that takes place when your husband is inside of you, it’s like it makes everything ok for that moment. That might be what you are feeling. For me, once I started having sex again, after the first few times, things fell apart, I couldn’t relax, and the communication went downhill. But I can understand the need to want to have sex. Plus when you are having sex, you know for sure he is not cheating with the OW…cause he is with you!! Just giving you some theories 🙂

  7. CurlyQ, if he won’t give his passwords/codes he is still hiding things. The only way to have your man to do this is if he wants the marriage to work out. He has to man up as they say and let you see everything. If not all you will do is fester over every little thing he can be hidding. Ask him what would he do if the tables were turn, if you cheated on him how would he react? How would he handle the situation? Ask him? My husband just about lost it when I asked him what would he do if I cheated on him? He couldn’t handle it, so why should we not be asking for their passwords. If all else fails get a computer monitor program it will open your eyes to what he is doing or not doing. But remember when doing this is it going down a dark rabbit hole into the guys mind. I found out about stuff my husband was into (porn addiciton) and it was really bad. They run about $175 but they record everything down to the keystrokes they make and it takes camera shoots of what they are looking at. I use technoligy to catch my guy while he used it to cheat.

  8. Natalie, The sex thing for me was angry sex when we did start having it again. I was ruff and took charge and we tried a couple of new things. But that back fired because now (that one thing) is all he wants and I won’t do it again! I think I did it just because the OW offered it to him. Ok Iam talking anal sex here, it’s not for me but others do enjoy it. If that was so important to him he should have married someone who enjoys it. We dated for 4yrs before marriage and now married 24yr. In those first 24 year you would of thought that would have come up as something he wanted or needed to feel like a man. I told him from that one point on if he wants to do it so much let a man do it to him. Well that stopped him right in his tracks and he thought he didn’t want that, then why push me into it. We do so much for our husband that they take us for granted.

  9. my husband constantly cheated. He’s such a good and compulsive liar . To top that he’s got a nasty temper . So I’m all stressed out . Can’t sleep or rest. He gets angry when I want to communicate.

    1. Hello Deepa,

      Your husband seems to have some serious issues. I know it’s got to be frustrating being married to someone that gets mad when you want to talk. I think you have to look within and really think about what you want to do. Constant lying, constant cheating, and a temper is a stressful way to live.

  10. deepa

    come back and we will listen to you always. remember, you have a place to vent safely, as we all have gone through it too. take care of yourself—it is now time to heal yourself.

  11. Lisa P

    do you know how i can look at my husbands texts and emails? he has a company phone and is never home…..or his email on his computer? he also has a company computer (which he looks at porno on) laptop and NEVER brings it in our home. Any names or websites would be helpful or any other into, please. thanks!

  12. Wanda, The only way to get spyware on any devise is you have to have the devise in hand to down load the software. Without the pc or phone your out of luck. company property is something I wouldn’t even try to get into they have all of blocks and passwords on them. I am sure his company knows what he is doing with their pc if not they will have a surprise coming to them. Most companies have spyware or something already on them. Just to protect their company.

  13. Lisa P
    Thanks….His company doesnt care (the men, IT guys that run it) cause they make the company billions! I paid for a spy thing for any phone $100/on my iphone, tried to download and it was a scam online….after 15 days they refunded me my money FROM ROMANIA!!! lol……desperate huh? Gosh I wish read the emails and texts,,,,,he just warned me….”sunday nite i have a big dinner party and i wont be talking to you on the phone very much…” yeah right….just like on 12/18 that sunday dinner party when he had XXX in his bed!! Thanks anyway……

  14. For some reason it’s not letting me comment on “5 Reasons Why I Now Hate Having Sex with Cheating Husband…” but then I read this post too, and wow! You hit it both times. It’s like a cycle. You feel upset and angry, and then you worry that if you don’t “perform” then they’ll use it as an excuse to cheat again! I have always loved sex. But I cannot stop fearing that he’s comparing me to other women while we do it, and I hate to say this, but he’s selfish in bed. And it feels like I can’t talk to anyone about this because of the stupid assumptions society makes: (1) men want/need/like sex more than women, (2) men’s needs in bed are more important since they appreciate sex more than women, (3) men have more of an excuse to cheat, and they will do it for “just sex” whereas women will do it for love, so therefore it’s more acceptable for men to cheat, and (4) in an “open relationship” men can sleep around but women can’t handle it because only men separate sex from love. GRRRRR, I HATE IT!!!!! >:0 I hate how those stupid articles and forums devalue, dismiss, and downplay EVERYTHING that we’re going through! I just wanna scream sometimes!!!!! I feel like sex is a performance now, whereas before I could genuinely enjoy ‘us.’ He used to call it “love-making” too, that changed to “sex”. He pulls my hand or head, I go down on him, sometimes that’s it or other times he positions me how he wants, goes for a couple of minutes, finishes, and that’s it. Sometimes I’ll try to do a different position or do the same-old with a different spark of energy, but it’s never because it’s a position that would make me feel good: it’s always because I feel like I have to perform and keep him entertained so he won’t stray. And like I’ve got to hit on him (and be rejected) at least once a day so he’s never say he wasn’t wanted at home. I’ve asked him why he won’t go down on me. I’ve hoped he’ll initiate so I won’t always have to. I’ve offered to tell him my fantasies. Even on our wedding night, he said afterward he “just wanted to get it over with”. And this was after I’d spent half an hour getting nice and pretty and wearing lingerie for him. So he can talk about all the hot chicks he’s fucked in the past. He can talk about his affair partner with reminiscence (even though he claims they didn’t have sex). But he can’t treat me with the same appreciation. 🙁 Someone (I think Gimlet) said that appreciation and making a person feel special is a powerful aphrodisiac. Guess I’ve got to keep trying to make him feel special, while fighting off the triggers… Thank you for letting me rant. Having these thoughts in my head (and feelings in my heart) drives me nuts. I think I’ll go lose myself in baby happiness with my one-year-old son now. 🙂

    1. Hello Sylvia,

      Yes it is interesting how societies perceptions crawl right into the bedroom. Especially after the affair, how we feel now we have to perform – this is not right. We should be getting pleased in the bedroom just like our husbands. We should be catered to just as much as the men. We should say what we like, and it should turn them on. But after the affair, it’s too serious, you are doing it and in the bad of your mind hoping your were good enough so that he won’t cheat – it’s hard to be sexy when you think if you are not he will cheat.

      As far as your situation, your husband should be trying to make you feel special, because he cheated, unfortunately it doesn’t always happen that way. Do not stress yourself out trying to cater to his need and make him feel special (especially if he is not receiving it), because all you will do is stress your self out trying to make him feel special. Maybe reverse it and try to make Sylvia feel special, that is actually sexy in itself (even if your husband says it isn’t (smile). Take Care!!

  15. Trying to make my life better without any thoughts or concerns of it making my husband happy. He spent years cheating on me, mistreating me and now it’s my turn to make me happy. I know if we divorce I will be living below poverty level with two kids and life will be hard. Guess what, I grew up poor and was always happy because I had genuine people around me.

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