This sucks. I expected after an event like this that my husband would be warm and understanding, easy to communicate with, and most of all, humble. Instead, what I get is a huge communication gap. Let me explain.
Have you ever begun a conversation with the plan to open your heart and share your feelings with your husband, and the conversation went horribly wrong? This is what talking with my cheating husband is like. I go to him when I’m stressed or want to get something off my chest, and I leave feeling even worse!
I thought our problems with conversations were something that we could easily work on. Boy was I wrong. In order for your husband to work on something, he has to take responsibility for his role, which seems impossible for my husband to do.
In some ways, I think this breakdown in communication contributed to the affair. Prior to me finding out about the affair, I would leave conversations with him frustrated and stressed. So when it’s time to go to bed and do the dirty, I am pissed off—pissed off that he wants to have sex when I can’t even talk to him. So now I am mad, lonely, pissed off, hormonal and pregnant, not a good combo. So now my husband is mad that I rejected him, and so he cheats.
I now think that my cheating husband actually used my stress and anger about the way we were communicating to justify cheating in exactly the way I just said. For instance, I would tell him, if he comes in at 4am, do not wake me up for sex, I am pregnant and tired. He would come in at 4am, try to have sex, when I said no I think in his mind he would say ‘Yep, this is exactly why I am cheating.’ Now in all honesty, before he had an affair we were having problems with sex. But it really angers me that during his affair I felt like I was hitting a brick wall with him and constantly blaming myself for our problems when another woman was the problem. I tried to tell my husband recently that when you cheat, it’s 100 times harder to fix the problems in your marriage because now you’re comparing your wife to the other woman. He never realized how arrogant he got once he started cheating; he didn’t want to work on anything then.
But I feel like if we just worked on our issues together with open minds and without another woman involved, things would have gotten better. If we could have talked to each other, things would have gotten better. If we would have gone to professional counseling, things would have been better. I wish we could have talked more without me feeling terrible and without him blaming me and accusing me. I also wish he would have been a little bit more understanding about the impact being pregnant had on my emotions and how often I wanted to have sex.
Although we had a communication breakdown, at the end of the day, when things started getting rough, he had options that did not include cheating. I understand that he was frustrated too, but I still think he took the easy way out.