Cheating and Porn

Porn. Not sure when Porn became mainstream. Before the internet, it was a magazine. A piece of paper that contained images that would stimulate men (and some women). As a society, we went from pictures in a magazine to full interactive porn videos, online chat’s, and phone sex. Porn has gotten so sexually stimulating, and unfortunately, so addictive that it is causing problems in marriage. Many husband’s hide away when the wife is sleep and watch porn. And for most men, the innocent little fantasy porn turns into a daily habit. That ‘late report for work’ is actually a video of Ginga doing some tricks on the laptop.

Some would argue ‘It’s porn – most men watch it, what’s the big deal?’ That is where is gets tricky. It’s not a big deal, until the degree and consistently get to a point where one becomes addicted. At that point, porn can have serious impacts on the marriage, and might even lead to infidelity.
Sometimes the sexual fantasy can be so real and over-stimulating, that the real thing no longer can get you going. You then find yourself lying constantly to your wife so you can get back to the screen.

From an infidelity standpoint, constant images of other women on a consistent basis has to get you to thinking about doing things to women other than your wife over time. Your arousal level is high, and you want more. So you think, maybe I will chat and watch porn, that sounds fun. You like it – more stimulation. You do this in private, thinking your wife won’t understand. Then it progresses to ‘Hmm…online chat was great, what if I talk to someone in person?’ You start having phone sex, you like it. Always wait until your wife is sleep or not around, then talk on the phone while you masturbate to the sound of another woman – other than your wife.
In time, the porn stimulation can cause problems with physical sex. The erection is not as hard. You start to look at your wife different. You start to think ‘what if I can have sex with someone in the video? Just one time, for fun. You start talking to different women. It’s fun, it’s exciting, it’s risky, it’s secretive.

It’s – ruining your marriage.

If you are a man and totally into porn, your wife should know about it, and it should be something that is discussed, especially the topic of moderation.
If you watch porn with your husband or you are ok with your husband watching porn, I think that is ok. As long as there is an understanding between the both of you and it does not creep to a level that the wife is uncomfortable with, at that point, another conversation is in order.
At the end of the day, the porn industry is about one thing – money, not saving marriages, not sex, MONEY. They can care less about your marriage.

The industry will do whatever it can do get men addicted to porn, more money. They want you to fall in love with the screen, so it hit’s their bottom line.
Porn. Most men that I talk to watch it – many every single day, but they do not talk about this with their wife or serious partner. If you are married, your wife should know that you watch porn, if you are hiding it, you are bringing secrecy and lies into the marriage, and the only thing secrecy and lies cause in the marriage is more secrecy and lies.

Married men, be careful with porn, the addiction can creep up on you, and before you know it, your marriage is at risk.

12 thoughts on “Cheating and Porn”

  1. I have been living this for 27yrs.He says that there is nothing wrong when I caught him and yes we have sex about 2 times a year and the last seven or so times he can not keep it up or orgasam. He says he doesnt know why . I always new it was from watching all the porn. He says it has nothing to do with me but it effects me in every way. This started our first year of marriage. And it has come to the point that we dont get along anymore. Everyday he tells me I am a bitch and that he hates me because I have been telling him it is not right. My self esteem is shot all to hell. I jst dont know how to walk away from 32yrs together. He is not the oy I grew up with and not the man I maried. We have no relation together at all. I dont no what to do . I feel all alone . I cant tell family or friends about this.

    1. Hi hp,

      27 years…porn…can’t get it up, probably because of porn, calls you a bitch. The only thing keeping you is fear. There is a life that is so much better, where you can wake up to your own voice, and you do not have to tolerate disrespect. I know it’s hard to think that way after 27 years, at the same time, you deserve after 27 years of this – something better, and being alone might be something better, seriously. That can be very true that he is not the man you married, people change and that is ok. You do not have to stay in a situation that no longer serves you. Start with that statement, say it to yourself everyday until you believe it. Once you believe it, you will know what to do next. Take care!

  2. The man I married 7 years ago has cheated with prostotutes, had an addiction to porn everyday & every nite he would watch pornography.And have anal sex with prostotutes in cheap motels & brothells every chance he got. When I would ask him he called me a nasty bitch & trouble starter. He used to tell me to get out if I didn’t trust him and I was imagining it and making up lies. Finally I caught him at 2 o’clock in the morn glued to his mobile & masterbating, he denied his action & addiction & said he was on the weather web site. I finally gave up on my marriage & fell out of love with him after being lied to for over 10 years. He since has begged me to stay we are currently in marriage counselling & I have excepted he had the problem, addiction, & was living in fantasy. It has been 8 months on he does not do porn or prostotutes anymore. He has proposed to me all over again & has starting bonding with our 2&1/2 year old daughter. I have found myself & will never allow myself to be treated second best ever again. Men can change and porn is only fantasy. I no longer wonder or check his phone or computer as I know he has begged for a second chance with me & bub. He said he hated porn & prototutes in the end as he was losing his ability to keep a firm hold on his life, Wife & beautiful baby girl. I have moved forward in my life & am happy now. Best thing I ever done was acknowledge his addiction, get professional help & get me & my daughter out of that situation. The one thing I learned was I can only control myself & look after me & my little girl. Everyone has a choice and I choose clean living, healthy thoughts & loving me. I am not afraid anymore. I love me, Myself and I..

  3. I found few months ago my husband looking on gay porn and checking out the casual encounters site craiglist,we have big fight that day and he promised will never do again…same thing he said only curious just porn what big deal,and when I ask bout craiglist he said watch porn too much virus harm on computer and curious seeing other man things….so here im today I found out on his email that he reply some ads on craiglist and he gave his phone number,of course he delete it from his cellphone,somehow I found the other guy phone number from cellphone bills,so I question about that and he said yes he did and very sorry for that and blame all to the porn,i haven’t meet my husband in person since about 2 weeks ago,and should see again in the end of this month,i don’t know wht I should to do yet….he said he wants me stay and try making me happy,i was in mentaly depressed bout a week just cry and cant eat,now I start look after my self I do still love him and respect him but I don’t think I can go back with him as today I didn’t even miss him like use to be when he away for work, in my idea now he felt sorry because he got caught not realy sorry because he did it….I hope he will just admitted that he don’t want me anymore and agre with divorce,i’ll be forever scare if I back to him again

    1. Just me,

      It appears that this is the second time you found him seeking out men, first in porn and second, actually talking to another man. You do not have to stay in a situation which no longer serves you and causes you fear. For some reason, most men will not admit that he doesn’t want you, so be prepared if happens. He is telling you everything you need to know in your actions, believe what he is showing you. Believe his actions. Take care.

      Jewels

  4. Free at Last
    After 32 years of marriage to a sex/porn addicted husband I am finally taking a step for me. There have numerous times when I caught him looking at porn and thought little about it other than I knew I didn’t like it. Then there was two different arrest for soliciting sex(That cost a lot of money and time) After that we had a long discussion and things seem to be going better for a while. Thinking back now he just got better at concealing his addiction. He has some medical issues and I blamed his low sex drive and inability to have an erection on that.
    When I discovered his e-mail and porn sites I was devastated. I went on line and researched porn addiction and he fit right in with all the signs and signals. We had another long discussion where I showed him the information and the consequences. He promised that it would never happen again. I ask him would it be okay to put a filter on our internet, he said no he could stop by himself. Deep down I knew he was lying. Two days later he was back to his old tricks. We are now getting a divorce and the inner peace I feel is so worth it. I don’t worry about him getting arrested or bringing some disease home or getting knocked in the head when he sets up a meet. Money is a little tight right now but that will get better as the court has ordered him to pay alimony. And I just want other ladies to know the peace that can come from getting rid of a cheating husband.

  5. I just confronted my husband of 5years about this. I always knew he watched porn when he traveled, but as long as it didn’t replace me, I was OK with it. About a year ago, as I was entering my 2nd trimester with our second child, he completely cut me out. I would bed him to come to bed, to wake me up when he got home, but nothing. After months of rejection, I completely gave up. I have suspeted he was cheating, but all I found was numerous porn sites. I am completely devistated and heart broken. I feel like he has cheated on me. I don’t know how else to discribe it. The 2 times we have had sex in teh last year, he wasn’t able to preform like he used to. I told him last night I am going to counseling and I thought he needed to do the same; I told him I wouldn’t make that choice for him, that it was up to him. As luck would have it, my husband is out of town all week! I find myself unable to concentrate, I’m short with my beautiful inocent children. I’m going through a wide range of emotions. I want my husband, but i can’t stand the thought of him at the same time.

    1. Hi Angela,
      It actually seemed that you had the type of relationship where he disclosed that he watched porn to you during travel, which is good from a communication standpoint. The bad news is that porn is highly addictive, and it starts with porn pics, then porn video’s, live chats,ect. ect. He probably thought he could handle it. He might of started rejecting you because he didn’t want to tell you he can’t get hard without it now. But that is just a theory. And I have been told a man unable to get hard for his woman can be devastating for a man. Is he at the point where he is admitting he has a problem? As each other questions to get the conversation flowing. If he is not in the right mindset to change he won’t. If you can go to therapy that might help as well, because both of you have some deep rooted pain that needs to come to the surface in order to facilitate healing.

  6. I found out about 4 days ago that my boyfriend of 3 years was on an escort/prostitutes website. My boyfriend was gone for about 7 weeks he had to go work in another state for 4 months and half in total, he had come back for a week because my brother just past away and I needed him his support and help with our toddler. Everything was fine he bought me flowers, twice in that week, we had sex throughout that week. He was helpful at home he would take care for our toddler. Note that before he left to work back in November things between us were in a really bad, we were on the verge of separation. He promised, throughout those 7 weeks that he was away, that he would work hard to make our relationship better. So that was the plan all along. When I used his cellphone to shazam a song I noticed in the bottom of the screen there was an ad claiming his phone was infected with viruses and to click there to clean it. I figured the only way phones get viruses are by watching pornography. So I quickly went through his history and I couldn’t believe it, I was shocked. EVERYTHING WAS GOING SO WELL!I even question myself if I should say something or not. I even considered not say anything about it. But I couldn’t lie to myself and had to face the truth. I couldn’t even look at him when I confronted him he first denied it and blamed a coworker/ roommate (the one he has at the place he is currently staying at) and I told him that if it was truly his friend/coworker to give a call put him on speaker so I can hear the friend acknowledge it. He of course couldn’t do that because it was him. I told him he was disgusting, a pig, a dirty twisted man and he repugnant to me. I asked him how could he do that to me after all that have been through with my ex husband (another sex/porn addict, he eventually escalated, so much that he touched and pulled down my 22 year old sisters pants while she was sleeping in our own home) I also asked him if he didn’t feel embarrassed with his 4 little girls knowing what he does in secret, he just stood quite most of the time. After 30 minutes of arguing he admitted that it was him who visited that website but he just did it to fool around and he would call them just to play games. He also says that he and I were not together (referring to having a relationship) when he was looking at the prostitutes pictures because “that’s all he was doing”. He also says that when he would call me, to promise me a better relationship, I would reject him and it made him feel sad. I told him blaming me is not going to make me believe him any more and I also told him that he needed to take responsibility of his own actions and accept his consequences. He keeps insisting that he didn’t do anything and just last night he told me over the phone (he went back to work 3 days ago) that I’m wrong for deciding to leave him because he “didn’t do anything”.
    I feel so bad I don’t know how to surpass this hard hit once again. I feel lost I loved him I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. We had no problem with intimacy/sex we were satisfied with eachother. I don’t know why he had the need to go search for someone else. I have no excitement to live and I have four children. I know I have to keep on going and be positive for the sake of my beautiful children but deep down in me I have a lot of pain. I can almost feel it coming out of my chest. I don’t think I have enough strength. I’m heartbroken, devastated. How do I keep on with life without feeling that nobody will ever love ME and that I will never be good enough for a man?

  7. Hi Ladies, I haven’t been on in quite a while except to offer some encouragement to some of the ladies that were going through their journey at the time I was . Seeing Jewels post today about the new features prompted me take a look and I am so glad to see that there is a new section devoted to porn addiction. Psychology has not caught up with us yet and porn addiction is not recognized as an addiction officially but those of us living with the effects no that it is all to real and destructive. I lived through a nightmare and my marriage and family were on the brink of destruction and to tell the truth the effects are still with us. Fortunately my husband realized he had a problem and has done the work to rebuild our trust. I can’t say that all is fixed and maybe it will never be the same but we continue our journey an honestly we get along so much better than before so there can be light after the darkness. I found the website your rainonporn.com and the book Cupids poisoned arrow to be a great first resource in helping me to understand what was going on with my husband and us. Best of luck to all of you know that you have found a safe place to be understood and and get the support you need. You are not crazy or unlovable it just feels that way right now. Love and cyber hugs.

    1. Thanks Gimlet, good to hear from you. Porn is such an epidemic. In my book I wrote a section on porn, and read some of the website you listed to validate some of my thoughts. It’s sad it’s not talked about as much because I feel like its impact is so much deeper than one imagines. It’s becomes so addicting and it impacts sex life, how you feel about your wife, how you have sex with your wife. Men also are so embarrassed by it they don’t want to share the problem with their wife. Thank you for exposing the impact of porn to me, what’s sad is the ease of access is causing teens to get addicted and/or think that what they see in porn (mostly raw sex not much foreplay) is what women want sexually which is all wrong. Anyways thanks for sharing and take care!

  8. Hello ladies,
    After seeing everyone’s posts, it is though I am not alone anymore. It’s unfortunate, that we have had to go through such agony by men. For me, One husband two kids and the military. I have known my husband has an addiction to porn and we have gone through this battle time after time. However, this time it’s different. He’s now on these (f* tonight websites) its what they’re called sorry for the explicitness. I have no idea if and how many times he has met up with women. I’ve caught him cheating long ago, he’d had an affair while he was in Korea. As I sat home and took care of our child, I was so betrayed and at that point I never trusted him again. Not to mention for years he lied about it and told me I made it all up and told me I was crazy. With black and white proof, he was still deny deny deny. One day while he was away on field training, I got a call from an old friend of ours, (whom was with him during the 12 months in Korea) he had apologized and told me so much more that I didn’t know. As I sat in a bathroom crying hysterically, I blamed myself for staying all the time after. And now 4 years later we have 2 children, and a home, I sit here thinking how cowardly I am for staying, even though he’s promised over and over it would stop. Here’s the worse part, I just found out that my husband used our child’s tablet and had hardcover porn open on all these tabs. MY SON HAS NOW SEEN SEX! I feel like such a failure!! I have turned off our cable for years so that my children were not subjected into the society we live. After all I’ve done to keep my children safe, my husband ruined it! He had used porn on our sons tablet! He’s away at NTC training and of course the day his phone was taken my son come running crying for me to see what he’d witnessed begging me to make it stop! Now mind you before my husband went to training, he grounded our son from his tablet. Now we know why. Because there’s porn like no tomorrow all over it. Why he didn’t delete it? I can’t figure it out. But, this is it for me. I can’t go on like this, before it was affecting me, now it has affected my child!! I am so hurt, I feel so much anger inside, I can’t eat, sleep, migraine and throwing up since i found this. Usually, he does this crap on his phone, or his conputer, afraid I might find out, he used our kids tablet. To make matter worse, the dates show, he did this the morning I left the house and went to church. I can’t help but think how mentally unstable he really is! He was supposed to be watching our children! I can’t look at him again. I cant! He knows nothing of this yet. But as soon as he gets his phone back hell receive the texts of me ranting about it all. After crying for days I just know I can’t let this happen to my kids! I have been out of work 5 years now. He wouldn’t let me get a job, and when I tried he’d call and harass and got me fired. I have a serious medical condition now after military doctor performed a csection on me 3 years ago. I have been going to so many doctors trying to find out what’s wrong and what they did to me! Still, nothing. At this point with everything going on, I don’t even know where to begin! Other than I don’t want him to come home! He’s always used his rank against me and that I’ll receive no help from him if I leave, and after hearing so many things I tend to believe it. I have nobody here, no friends, no family, just my two awesome kids and our loving fur baby. Besides that, I’m alone in this. I feel like a failure, and I can’t ask God enough what I did to deserve this in my life! I’m in school and in October I’ll only have an associates degree… also from a school that I found out is a fraud. Thanking the Army for allowing such a school to promote themselves on post for us dependents and soldiers. Not trying to point blame but, I thought the school was legit since the army promoted them on base. Guess not. My mistake now. So here I am, with a not good enough degree, open space on my resume, a heavy burden on my shoulders on how I will get through this. I’ve never come online for help but after I awoke this morning I knew I needed help.

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