I think my husband’s affair is directly linked to the fact that we handle life’s obstacles differently. He is very quick to blame others for all of his problems; very rarely does he look within. I tend to look within first before blaming others. Not a good combination because he is always blaming me and I am always taking it in. I believe this might have to do with maturity levels. I am not trying to put myself above him by saying this, but I feel that when you have a hard time taking responsibility for your actions, that is a form of denial. And as you become more mature, you evaluate and reflect more, and take responsibility for your own actions, versus blaming outside forces.
Maturity has nothing to do with age, it is more a trait of how much time you spent working on YOU. Sadly, some people never get to this place. We are both at opposite ends, I need to work on blaming myself for others actions, and he needs to work on taking responsibility for his own actions.
Unfortunately, the combination of us being together is not working. While married, I always felt the need to make things right or to change my behavior in order to fix problems in our relationship. Instead of making our marriage stronger, this just made me feel frustrated, angry, and upset all the time, because I felt I was doing all the work. I also couldn’t talk to him about the situation. For example, I would bring up something he had done to upset me, and instead of talking about it, he would immediately tell me how I exemplify the same behavior or how I was also in the wrong. Basically, talking to him made me feel like I was always in the wrong; all of his problems were because of me – not a good feeling.
I think the success rate of recovering from adultery is directly tied to the cheater’s ability to take responsibility for his/her actions. If he can accept and reflect on how his thoughts and actions caused a rift within the marriage, then your recovery will be much smoother, versus a cheater that is constantly telling you that they cheated because of you.