Cheating and Maturity – The Connection

I think my husband’s affair is directly linked to the fact that we handle life’s obstacles differently. He is very quick to blame others for all of his problems; very rarely does he look within. I tend to look within first before blaming others. Not a good combination because he is always blaming me and I am always taking it in. I believe this might have to do with maturity levels. I am not trying to put myself above him by saying this, but I feel that when you have a hard time taking responsibility for your actions, that is a form of denial. And as you become more mature, you evaluate and reflect more, and take responsibility for your own actions, versus blaming outside forces.

Maturity has nothing to do with age, it is more a trait of how much time you spent working on YOU. Sadly, some people never get to this place. We are both at opposite ends, I need to work on blaming myself for others actions, and he needs to work on taking responsibility for his own actions.

Unfortunately, the combination of us being together is not working. While married, I always felt the need to make things right or to change my behavior in order to fix problems in our relationship. Instead of making our marriage stronger, this just made me feel frustrated, angry, and upset all the time, because I felt I was doing all the work. I also couldn’t talk to him about the situation. For example, I would bring up something he had done to upset me, and instead of talking about it, he would immediately tell me how I exemplify the same behavior or how I was also in the wrong. Basically, talking to him made me feel like I was always in the wrong; all of his problems were because of me – not a good feeling.

I think the success rate of recovering from adultery is directly tied to the cheater’s ability to take responsibility for his/her actions. If he can accept and reflect on how his thoughts and actions caused a rift within the marriage, then your recovery will be much smoother, versus a cheater that is constantly telling you that they cheated because of you.

8 thoughts on “Cheating and Maturity – The Connection”

  1. I fought, cried and tried to discuss my feelings to him and how I felt about his actions. It was frustrating because he was passive aggressive. He told everybody want they wanted to here and did exactly the opposite. is annoying. You just don’t get anywhere with those kinds of people. When he wanted to discuss it, he would somehow blame me and make it to be that I’m the problem. No sense of ownership, or responsibility = lack of maturity.

    1. Daisy
      Yes – we have the same type of husband. He blamed everything on me. And once I figured this out, I brought it to him like I just knew he was going to have an ‘ah ha’ moment, and all he did was blame me for bringing it up lol!! I really think it is a maturity issue as well, it’s almost like he has an internal mechanism that causes him to blame everyone else for his problems. And you can seriously get wrapped up in believing it, I did for a LONG time. Now I look back and think how sad it is that he blames others for everything because when you do that, you have no control to change your life.

  2. Yes!! It’s true that maturity levels make a big difference within the relationship. In times of trouble, whether it’s finances, chores (that he never ever does), or parenting he always seems to put the blame on me. Or if there is a problem at work or within the community, he still blames for lack of judgement or lack of common sense. He still can never see another side. He is very one sided. It’s his way or nothing at all. It’s partly because of insecurity issues within himself yet, he comes off as knowing it all just to cover up all his flaws. He said to my son that all women are weak.

  3. crushed english rose

    OMG Daisy, did we marry the same guy? I’m going through exactly the same thing with my H. And yes, he is incredibly immature. One of his ‘dismissing’ tactics is to say ‘don’t be so silly’ in a childish voice. Sheryl, I get ‘my way or the highway’ too. How does he display it? ‘Well leave if you don’t like it’……….

  4. My husband has been having an emotional affair with a woman at church for years. He is exactly as you described…unable to take any responsibility even blaming the other woman for “liking” him. He tried to back off and she punished him. He craves her approval and enjoys being her hero. (They both have high up positions in the small church.) I am so thankful for this site. Sometimes he drives me crazy!!! I mentioned that he was “attracted to her” and he BLEW UP.! I think this is a sign it is true.

    1. Hi Cuckoo,

      Thanks for sharing. Isn’t is crazy the level of denial about responsibility. I finally understand it better that what the cheater does is literally implant in their head that this is not their fault at all, so when they get caught, the default to what they have been telling themselves for years. Hmm…also ‘blowing up’ is just a way to divert the question. If he blows up, the focus is on anger, not on the actual topic of him having feelings. All tricks that are part of cheating. Good news is knowledge is power, use this info to your advantage.

  5. A woman sent my husband pictures of her private parts. He said someone sent them to him which was a lie because I saw text message. He became very upset and told me I was nosy but I discover this by accident. He left his message up on his phone. He then blame me and said he was mad with me because I over extended his credit. I don’t understand what this has to do with anything. I am very hurt because we have been together over 40 years and he has feelings for this woman. He won’t talk about it and when I bring it up he start hollering about bills. He said he is tired and if I am not happy the leave. This is his solution for everything. I have never been unfaithful or had the desire to be. He constantly tell me how he haven’t been happy for years and then come back and tell me how much he loves me. I really don’t know what to believe. When I mentioned that he had feelings for this woman he didn’t say anything. How can you forgive someone when they don’t see anything wrong. He says he will never apologize because of all of the things I have done(credit wise). He has talked harshly to me and has intentionally hurt me feelings. My sister-law which I loved very much died and he told me she couldn’t stand me before she died. She was ill and sometimes she said things due to her illness and not her heart. He also was mad at me because He said he father who also died asked me to buy him gloves and I didn’t. I don’t even remember this. I went to see his Dad just as much as him and saw his sister more. The person I once knew would never say these things to me. He has communicated with this woman for almost a year. He never said sorry or anything. I have become numb and feel like I have no life left in me. I know it’s not my fault but I am hurt more than anything. Please keep me in your prayers because just don’t know what to do. I think I am going to sat back and let him make a decision and will follow suit I give up. I am tired and no longer want to fight. Thanks for allowing me to share.

    1. Hi Lisa,
      “I am going to sit back and let him make the decision.”, are you sure that is what will be in your best interest? It appears from what you wrote that he already has made a decision. He says he did this because of the credit situation, which seems more like a way to change the topic off of himself (many cheating husband’s do this), and he says if you want to leave, leave. I think the focus should be on Lisa at this point. Your message was very focused on your husband, I know a bit about his profile, but what you wrote also tells me that you appear to know more about your husband than you do yourself. Take some time to divert attention off of your husband (which is only going to upset you) and focus that attention back on YOU. This is a time for you to not sit back and let your husband do whatever he wants, it is a time for you to empower yourself to think about what LISA wants. You deserve to think about your wants and needs. You deserve it. You have been a good wife, not perfect, but who is? You are not going to be able to control your husband and the more you try the more it would upset you. But as soon as you demand to focus attention on yourself, that is when you will start to see a shift, it starts with you. Hugs to you Lisa.

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