Cheating Recovery Song – #1

I decided that I am going to start including some music that has really connected with me through the affair. Some songs will make you cry, some will be encouraging, and some might not do anything for you. My hope is that you can find yourself in each of the songs that I post. Hopefully, I can find these songs on YouTube and just insert the link like I did in this one. Not every post will be music, but every once in a while I will share a song.

SONG – Forgive by Rebecca Lynn Howard – This song expressed how I felt after the affair perfectly. The video is quite nice as well; I wish I had such a nice home :). Enjoy!


14 thoughts on “Cheating Recovery Song – #1”

  1. I see alot of things on line about men having an affair but nothing about women having affairs. I just found out my wife had an affair just a month and a half after we got married. Which was just seven months ago. I have been a fighter my whole life, as a Marine, as a SWAT operator, and now as a firefighter. However I have never been in this much pain and unsure what to do.

    1. Hello Joe,

      First and foremost, thank you for being of service to your country throughout your career. There isn’t much out there for men as far as affair recovery. I focus on women just because I am one :). The pain of an affair is the pain of an affair, whether you’re a man or a woman. I am sure you’re a mixed between pissed, hurt, angry, and depressed and wondering why you still feel the way you feel months after finding out. The thing that makes this so difficult is that the person that you devoted your life to in front of everyone hurt you. It’s not a stranger, not some crazy person, this is your wife. It really messes with your mind. You have some things to figure out. If you decide to work on your marriage, I strongly, strongly suggest getting a licensed therapist that focuses on marriages. I hear that most men avoid therapists but I think it will help. Even if you decide not to stay together, seeking out a therapist for just you, it will help. In my opinion, this is one of the most traumatic experiences that a person can go through – see this post for why – I have never been in the amount of pain I was in either, it was horrible. BUT I am in a better place now, and you will be as well. And since you didn’t cheat on your wife, you give hope to all of the women on this site that there are good men out there!! Best of luck to you Joe.

  2. I just found this site. I have been looking for an outlet and support for some months now. I just found out in August of this year that my husband of almost 20 years had an affair after I had our last child (#5) in 2000. The affair produced a child, he, our friends (I now know weren’t my friends) and his family hid from me all these years. He has even taken the child to visit his family in another state. No one cared enough to say anything to me.
    I feel humiliated, like a fool. I feel undesirable, unattractive and that I gave up way too much for this to be what I received in return.
    Though my husband says he wants to work things out, he has not taken any steps. Not one. The biggest mistake I feel I made was staying home with the children all these years, because now finding a job to get out is seemingly impossible.
    I have no one to talk to. No friends anymore. My family is as supportive as they are able to be, but they love me unconditionally and still don’t want me to leave him. It would be nice to talk with women who have to deal with or have also dealt with the illegitimate child.

  3. V, welcome to this site. It is where you will find others like yourself who have been betrayed by the one we trusted the most. Finding out about the affair is one of the hardest thing you will ever go through. The other is the OW’s child! My husband didn’t have a physical affair but emtional affairs for 5yrs and is a alcoholic and sex addict. But it all hurts the same. Please read other areas of this site for stories about women in your sitution. You can vent all you want here we are here for you. Dealing with the pain is the hardest thing. I still can’t beleive his family hid this from you for so many years. Your husband and his family are weak individuals with no concern for others than themselves. Remember this is not your fault you did nothing wrong. Though you feel humiliated, this is something he did not you! Remember he made the choice to cheat not you! He made the decision to break the trust! You don’t have to stay with him if you don’t want too. You can always change your mind too. He needs to take responsiblity and feel remorse, ashamed of his actions or you can not move forward and work things out! See if he wants to go to therapy with you, and he has to answer all your question! If not then it will be hard to stay together. What has he done so far to explain his actions?

  4. v
    I have just recently found out that my husband had two affairs, 9 and 11 years ago when he was travelling regularly as part of his job. One woman he had sex with 3 times and the other 2 times. He only told me after he sent a text to a third women 6 weeks ago and sent it to my 21 year old daughter by mistake. She made him tell me and he decided to come clean about everything. I can identify with your feeling of having something hidden from you all these years. I have been married 26 years and now wish I had a career. Instead I moved to different cities numerous times for his work and became a stay at home mom.
    I feel so bad that he and his family and your friends hid this child from you. You must feel so alone. I find I have received encouragement here from other women and the moderator, Jewels. Reading topics under Categories and other women’s stories has helped. I check in regularly and I think some other regulars are busy with the holidays but they will be back. For now you have me.

  5. Jeannie, I am here because this is my therapy too. I have been dealing with my husbands affairs for 5 yrs. The pain we feel is all the same so here I will stay till I don’t need it anymore. Between my hairdresser and this forum I received alot of help. I was just thinking about what I did the first 4months after I found out about my husbands affairs. I tried to start taking better care of myself and think of me other than the family or him. I also got my first tattoo! Something I always wanted but he never wanted me to get one. It hurt but It reminded me that I can get through anything even this little tattoo on my ankle. (it is a butterfly) the rebirth of me, I know corny but true) One year later I got another tattoo but on my back, right shoulder area. This was much bigger and took two hrs to complete. Somehow it helped me be me and I worked throug the pain for something I wanted for so long. I started getting massages more often and even told masseuse ahead of time that I might cry during it because it released so much tention in my shoulders. I started getting manicures and pedicures regularly too. Now my life was about me and my husband was second in line. It did open his eyes to the fact that I didn’t need him to make me feel better.

    This February I will be married 24yrs and I am 48yrs old without a job because I was fired due to the stress of his affairs two yrs ago. So now I try to find things I want to do and will find a job again someday. The job I had was ok but was not what I wanted to do. I think I will take some flower arrangement classes this spring and see if that is something I want to do. You never know what will come out of an affair but we can all make it one way or another.

  6. Thank you Lisa P and Jeannie. Lisa P, he will sometimes answer questions, but he is always defiant, as though I am the one who did wrong, so details have come out slowly. The answers are always said as mean and as hurtful as he can possibly make them. He keeps telling me to get over it, but I keep reminding him. The 10 years he has had to deal with it, I was kept in the dark. As far as I am concerned this just happened. And the tramp he slept with is flat out defiant. They act as though the existence of the child makes the affair something to be proud of. When I told him I wished he hadn’t fathered the child, because the whore was a tramp, sleeping with many others, he and his sister called me a child killer, they said I wished the child dead. Ironically the affair ended because he found out she was cheating.
    He tells me he doesn’t have to do anything to repair the damage he caused to our marriage and family because I am still so angry. Tough he knows I am angry because of his lack of action, among other things. Our family has been devastated and he does not hold himself responsible or accountable.
    Even though I am not having any luck yet, I haven’t given up on finding work and moving out. It just hasn’t happened yet. In the mean time I am trying to heal. He wasn’t a great husband to begin with, I just never thought he would cheat.

    1. V,

      Let me first tell you that there are women on the site that have dealt with children outside of the affair. I interact with so many stories, it would be hard for me to find on the site, but I remember interacting with several women dealing with this.

      My husband’s lack of emotion around this was also very painful, more painful than the act because it made me feel like the person who supposed to love me the most doesn’t even care that I am so hurt by this – so you are not alone in this.

      What I will tell you is do not try to force him to feel, I stressed myself out beyond belief trying to get him to be as sad and upset by this as I was, and all it did was cause more stress to me.

      I am sorry you have such negative people in your life (the family seems very negative). There are positive people outside of your circle that will support you, as you can see from the women already responding to you.

      Last but not least, just because you have kids with no job, does not mean you are stuck to a life of misery with him because of this. If I were in your shoes, I personally would try to focus less on his reactions, because they will cause you stress. Focus less on talking to him and trying to get him to understand, because he is not there, he is in a place where he has not accepted responsibility yet, and you cannot force responsibility on anyone. So I would not talk to him as much, because all you are going to hear is blaming you or telling you to get over it. Know that his actions are not right and the way he is treating you is not right, and instead of going towards it, go away from it. Not telling you to leave the marriage, just go away from it and start focusing on just you, it will take time to find work and move out if that is your goal, but I want you to be in a better mental state in your journey towards your goal. No rush, just calm and steady focus on yourself. If there are negative people in your life, lean on the positive ones for support, like the women in this site. It look me a while to leave, but during the journey, I was not miserable because I did the things I just wrote above. Take Care, things will get better!!

  7. Thanks Jewels from USA. I feel better finally being able to communicate with others who understand exactly the range of emotions that I feel, and understand the type of responses I am dealing with from my spouse. I can’t tell how low I have felt and how hard it has been to stay afloat. This man brought home an STD that eventually forced me to have a hysterectomy. I am just waiting to find out what other repercussions are out there, since he won’t fess up, they just trickle in.

  8. V,

    I feel you on everything that your going through. I just recently had an argument with my so call husband. I questioned him about the affair and the OW due date. And yes, my husband got the OW prego and she is carrying out this child with no remorse or embarrassment. It’s sad but it is what it is right? I also am like you, he brought home an STD and infected me with it.

    When I did find out about the affair he swear up and down that him and that OW didn’t have anything sexual going on. He thought I was dumb enough to believe that. So I made an appt. ASAP to the doctor. Long and behold I was shocked as hell because my doctor called me the next day and told me that I have an STD.

    Let me tell you something, when things turn out like this you have to learn to protect yourself!!!! No one will do that, and it’s proven when it comes to our husband. It’s been about 5 months since I’ve found out and I’m still pissed at him and his dumb ways. You can only change yourself from here. You can’t change your husband or his ways. He needs to own up to the mistakes that he made and learn to deal with how your feeling because of this actions.

    I am only 23 and at this age I am very mature and a mother to two beautiful kids. I know that no women should be treated like this and I know that I am worth more than what this man (my husband) make me feel. He treats me right, buys me things, takes me out provide for me and my kids. But behind close door, he was cheating, lying and deceiving me. And all those right ways just turns into guilt ways. I feel like he’s doing all he can to treat me right because he was doing everything else wrong.

    My husband does own up to his mistakes, but the lying is still there. He’s to scared to tell me the truth. With me is, what more can you say or do to hurt me as much as you already did. Trust me you will never understand why these men choose to do what they do. And even if you try to understand you will never because we as women think different than men. I am leaving him in 11 days, heading back to the states that I lived all my life before I decided to make a life with him. I’m done, I just want to be happy and I just want to be the best mother that I can be for my kids. Everything else can go. I wish you the best of luck!!!! Just remember that in the end you will have the last laugh when he realized that he will never find someone else like you!! And by then, it might be too late!!!

  9. So just wanted to post a song based on the subject of this post feed — it’s by Brooks and Dunn — “She’s not the cheatin kind” — I played that video on You Tube quite a lot when I first found out. Expresses the anger and desire for revenge. I never did this — but it surely expressed how I felt. Lady Antebellum has a ton of songs that remind me of the crap I went through — some help — some make me so sad.

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