Affair Recovery – First Step

I wanted to share with you something that really helped me in my recovery journey. We often are so distraught by the affair that it’s hard to know and understand how to make the first step towards recovery. However, there are many things one can do once they are in the “recovery zone” to help build confidence and potentially even save the marriage. Today, I will share with you one simple tip that can get you going in the right direction.

As most of you know, I am a big believer in affirmations. I think words carry power.

During my recovery phase, there were many times when I would say to myself, “I don’t know if I can recovery from this.” or “I don’t feel like my normal strong, confident self anymore.” These are very common thoughts and feelings that most women have when they’re rebuilding their lives and self-esteem after their husbands cheat on them. One of the first and most important steps in your recovery is to fight negative thoughts like these. So the next time you hear yourself saying, “I don’t know if I can be happy again.” stop and say the opposite: “I can recover and will be happy again.”.

The simple truth is that both statements are true, depending on which one you choose to believe.

No matter what circumstances are surrounding your husband’s infidelity, you have the ability to recover and be the strong and confident woman the world loves to see.

6 thoughts on “Affair Recovery – First Step”

  1. Jewels, I found your blog by accident (or maybe not). I am six months out from finding out about my husbands cheating. He gave me an STD, that’s how I found out he had cheated. We’ve been married 18 yrs, together for 22 years, 2 kids ages 14 and 15. We were separated for a month after the episode, he cried and begged me to come home, to give him another chance so I did for the kids sake.Everything was ok for awhile, but now he’s kinda back to the same habits he was doing before and I find myself feeling resentful and used. I make more money, have more education than he does…over the years this has caused problems…He is like my third child, has no responsibilities other than to get up and make it to work every day..I do it all: work, bills, kids, shopping…if I were to die tomorrow he wouldn’t have the first clue about what to do with it all. In the meantime, I have been experiencing more feelings of losing myself, my self-confidence…I don’t feel strong or empowered anymore, he took all that away from me…now Im insecure, suspicious and fearful…NOT MY PREVIOUS SELF. I thought I wanted to stay in the marriage and make it work but now Im not so sure…I feel like im losing my mind…but after reading your blog Im starting to understand my feelings better, I just dont know what to do with them….

    1. Hello Leslie,

      Sorry for the delayed response, I have been feeling under the whether but better now. You mentioned one of the saddest effects of finding out your husband had an affair – you lose your self-confidence. Especially in your situation, because you decided to give him another chance, and you feel that he is not grateful for that opportunity. So when you see that, you think to yourself, he clearly has cheated on me, clearly is not being as respectful as I would like in the situation, and I am still here – let me tell you that frame of thought will literally cause you to be depressed. My husband is very similar to yours. Matter of fact, before I moved out, that was something that I thought about way more than I care to admit. I kept thinking, he is not going to survive without me, I literally do EVERYTHING in this relationship (with the exception of helping with the kids, he did do that). But at the end of the day for me, I couldn’t sacrifice my own strength to build him up – that is no our jobs and all it ends up doing is tearing us down, which seems to be the case in your situation. To this day, he struggles to pay his bills, he is not as on point with things as I would expect, but he is a man, and he will survive.

      That is just my story, you definitely might take a different path. One thing I would strongly consider is taking to a therapist (just you). My therapy session was invaluable. I learned why I tend to accept people disrespecting me. I felt like my husband did things where other women would have left a long time ago and I couldn’t figure out why I was accepting it. You might have some similar feelings to deal with, and a good therapist will help. I would recommend that over making any decisions at this point, because it’s important to understand your feeling before acting on them. Best of luck please keep in touch.

  2. Hello-

    I found out two months ago my husband was cheating on me with my brothers wife. I have been a complete mess and I have been having horrible feelings. At time I want to file for divorce but I just dont know what to do. Its been about 3 weeks since we’ve talked but everytime we talk I get mixed feelings, at one point he’ll tell me he doesn’t want to work on our relationship and in the next he’ll tell me if we decide to get back together. I know that I have not been perfect in the relationship, I have a nasty temper and throw things when I get extremely upset. I don’t know if I should wait for more time to pass or if I should file for a divorce. I feel that I am on an emotional rollarcoaster and don’t know how to get off.

    1. Hello Cristina,

      No matter how imperfect you have been, do not think for a moment that you are the reason that he cheated – there is no justification at all, he made that decision on his own. As far as you state right now, it’s very normal. It is one of the hardest decisions that you will make in your life. Similar to what Jeannie said, if you are this unsure of what to do, probably not the time to get a divorce. Concerning should you wait, it depends on what you are waiting for. Are you waiting to see if he will step up? Are you waiting to see if he will go to counseling? The reason I ask is that I want to make sure you are not waiting for something that you should of already seen. I am not sure what you and your husband talked about, but if I were you, I would of set some strict boundaries – saying here is the things that I need in order to try and work on the marriage. If he tries to do those things, that would be a reason to wait and see how the marriage is impacted. If he doesn’t do those things, then you know what you need to do. At least that way you would have a little more confidence in your decision because you set the boundary, and either he meets is or doesn’t. if you leave any other way based on what you wrote, you are going to be unsure in your decision.

  3. Cristina
    If you read the other posts from other women, we all experience the emotional roller coaster. It sounds like your husband is too. I’m new at this too ( 6 weeks) and the best advice I’ve been given is not to make any decisions right now. If you can, read more of what the other women in this forum have done to cope. There’s great advice on these pages. Take care.

  4. So now that I finally got over the first affair my husband had changed to a new email and is doing the online thing. I am now at the trigger point again and don’t know what to do…..should I stay or should I go? Sorry seems to be such a stupid word to me right now and I really love you makes me want to vomit. I am not a sniveling person but I truly just am at my wits end…..I just want to walk out of the house and never come back especially since he is on the road so much. WORDS have meanings and my word is what I grew up believing is the FACT that you stand behind. It all seems like such a wasted effort and the fight has gone out of me. That’s the saddest part, as I am a caregiver and take care of so many others I have forgotten what to do to take care of me. Not sure what the marriage needs to get better as I am old school and mine marriage has been based on lies and deceit for the past 2 1/2 out of 3 years. I am afraid he is like one that abuses women, he’s sorry afterwards but you know there is going to be a trigger to have him up to finding a new way to do his own thing. What a total mess and so sorry for all of you in the same place….I had no clue it could be the most devistating feeling in the planet EVEN knowing that I am in the exact place I am suppose to be right now.

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