Why the ‘Other Woman’ Tells the Wife about the Affair

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Why the ‘Other Woman’ Tells the Wife about the Affair post image

Photo courtesy of Guudmorning! https://www.flickr.com/photos/kristiand/

Yes, even though it might appear I just talk to only wives on the site, I actually talk to all parties, including the other woman. And today I would like to share and interesting perspective that has led me to understand why the OW calls and tells the wife in certain situations.
So here is a typical scenario. Husband and Wife get married. They have kids. Husband (I know wives cheat as well but just for example let’s use the husband) decides to cheat. Husband knows that he typically cannot go into a bar and say “Hi I am happily married to a wonderful wife, but I want to sleep with you.” (the only place that can happen is the Ashley Madison website). The husband knows that most women will not go for that as a pick up line.

So what many men strategically do is they paint the perfect story for the OW. The most popular one to tell the OW is that they are ‘living together’ with their wife but separated. Another big lie the husband will tell the OW is my wife and I don’t get along, all she does is nag and complain (ironically then the husband comes homes and acts an ass on purpose in order to get the wife to ‘go there’ (it makes him feel better about cheating). Anyways, the cheater now has told this to the OW, and has to keep up the story. You see, constantly telling the OW that the marriage is over and the wife is a complaining nag makes the OW feel better. He is just telling her whatever he wants to hear so he can continue to get sex. And she believes him because she enjoys the companionship and wants to believe all the lies to make her feel better about what she is doing. How horrible of a person she would be to knowingly have sex with a married man. But if they are separated and the wife is a bitch, in the OW mind, it’s ok. In her mind, she believes the lies and thinks it’s only a matter of time before the husband leaves such a horrible wife.

Year 1 goes by. The husband doesn’t leave.

Year 2 goes by. The husband doesn’t leave.

At this point, the other women is like – ‘What the heck’? How long does it take for him to leave his wife. Who would stay with such a women that has put him through so much.
Meanwhile, in husband cheater land, he is having the best of both worlds, texting the OW he loves her because that is what she wants to hear, and meanwhile, tells the wife the same.

Then it happens. The OW wakes up and realizes that she is getting played. She thinks back to all the bullcrap the husband told her about how he is planning to leave, and two years, he is still in the same place he was. The OW starts putting on pressure for him to leave, nothing happens. Now the other woman is pissed. Two years of lies. Two years of being is a ‘relationship’. She is in love. He is in love with free sex for 2 years. He never ever had an intention to leave his wife. All the years of texts and telling you how he could not wait for both of you to be together more – all lies.

When the OW finally realizes this, she becomes upset, which turns into anger, and she now is out for revenge. So she picks up the phone, or sends an email (because of course our husbands have given the OW all access to this info) and tells all. Her feelings are hurt and now it’s time for someone else to be hurt. She tells the wife not out of compassion, she tells us because she wants to get revenge on the husband.

I know that this is not the only reason the OW tells the wife, but it’s the most common. I also understand that sometimes the woman knows she is sleeping with a married man and doesn’t want the husband to leave his wife (that is another blog post, at another time). Today I am just painting a picture of why the OW tells the wife.

  • ScornedWife September 29, 2013, 11:21 AM

    When I read this post I felt like you were writing a story of my life. Thank you for the insight. I am currently only 2 months into the affair recovery process but I did choose to stay and I am trying to make it work for myself and our two wonderful children. Any advice?

    • Jewels October 17, 2013, 4:29 AM

      ScornedWife,

      Oops, looks like I am just now seeing your comment, when you get a chance give me an update on how the recovery process is going. The important factor here is your husband. Is he actively involved and ‘leading’ the recovery effort. Is he willing to work on rebuilding trust from the ground up or does he say ‘just get over it’. He has go to take the lead because he is the one that took the action outside of the marriage, so he has to put in the effort to fix it. Also, often as wives we focus so much on the affair recovery that we neglect our own pain in the process. You have to make time to process your own emotions around the affair as well as far as how it impacted you personally. Last but not least, just know you are in the beginning stages, affair recovery within a marriage is a long process. I know it’s hard with kids involved. Take care!

  • Regan May 26, 2014, 10:37 AM

    Hi there all; just a comment about telling the wife; I really believe that many women tell the husbands wife because he hasn’t left her yet even though he is so unhappy, and the OW is pushing him to do it even if it is the destruction of everything on both sides. It is a gamble they are willing to take, especially if the guy ends it & now they feel “used.” Often it has become evident that he is NEVER going to leave the wife, so why not pull out the “bomb” approach & see where the dust settles? Often times the wife kicks him out, and if she does, where else does he have to go on the spur of the moment? Right into her arms where she wants him. Even if the man never said it would turn into anything and she agrees to this to get her “foot” in the door, she will often insist on “telling” things happening or being purchased like he gets new underwear (or she buys it for him) leave scratches on his back, ask him to “manscape” or leave items behind that are telling like strong perfume, her underwear, etc. to let the wife/GF know without having to say a word. That way she is the innocent one who never wanted the wife to know, etc. Bullcrap!! Often it is their backdoor way to get in if the front door doesn’t work. Funny how men are so shocked when they get lied to or “played,” like there is honor among thieves. Usually you are shocked to find out he appears to trust her more than he trusts you…after all, they bonded over their SECRET. On the front end when people want to sleep together, they will say anything. Just like the guy is not going to say he is happy and sleeping with his wife too, the other woman doesn’t say “Hey I sleep around with everyone, am after your money & the life you share with your wife, and by the way I have Herpes!” That would be a real lust killer. Both sides have to put out there that they are ok with just sleeping together at the start, no one will get hurt, no feelings will be developed, etc. & any primary relationship is “safe” with her. I explained to my husband most women do not want to be “used” for sex, they are only happy if they see themselves as “using” you in some way, or have some goal. Let’s not forget the all time favorite, getting pregnant!! I see this in South Florida, women from other countries just trying to find someone, anyone to get them a green card, take care of them, etc. (Not to say women from here haven’t used this approach!) This may not be politically correct, but it is true Many families dissolving down here because “free” sex turned out to be anything but!! More like the most expensive lay of his life!!

    • Jewels May 29, 2014, 5:55 AM

      lol @ the most expensive lay of his life. Once again, many truths in your comment, especially in the leaving hints of the affair (oops I left my panties in your wife’s drawer). But I think the cheater plays games with the women so much that she starts to actually believe his words. He will constantly tell her he loves her and she is amazing, they can’t be together because of the family situation, but wish things were different. He typically says those things, buys her dinner, and ‘boom’ – sex. Like you said she feels she is getting something out the deal, free dinner ect. so she is cool. But over time, we are women and get emotionally involved, and the hands of power change and so they seek to get back control. I could imagine being told I wish i could leave my marriage over and over and then actually believing those words. I also can see the OW capturing evidence to protect herself just in case she gets mad and wants to question his loyalty, she can at anytime. I have actually interacted with quite a few OW who were devastated over the husband staying with the wife. They believed the fantasy.

  • happy2bme June 2, 2015, 6:14 PM

    My husband had a relationship with another woman that lasted almost 4 years.
    I say relationship because I would hardly call nearly 4 years an affair. We had one child starting first year of college away from home and one 6 year old. The 6 year old was the result of a failed vasectomy. This woman had more photos of my kids that I do. He would send them to her. She knew almost as much about our household as I did and knew plenty about me personally. She went on business trips with him and several other places. They had photos made together. You name it. They were extremely active sexually. My husband decided that he wanted a no strings attached affair and told the OW this. She didn’t come to me right away but she did come to me. I confronted him and told him to leave. Had it been an affair or one night stand or something of that nature I maybe could’ve worked through it. But 4 years! 4 years of lying to me and me believing everything he said. God as my witness I never had a clue that this was going on. It was more than I could forgive and we divorced. I do not keep our child at home away from him at all. He is very good about making sure he spends a lot of time with him. Our college kid cannot forgive him and does not want to see him. I think that will change eventually because they have always been very close. I applaud women who can look past a cheating husband and restore things but I just could not. Nearly 4 years was too much for me. There is no way I would ever trust him again because he proved how good he is at lying and acting. That is my story. It was rough. It hurt a lot. But I am coming through it and eventually it will be alright.

    • Jewels June 4, 2015, 6:52 AM

      happy2bme,

      4 years is a long time, unfortunately it is common. Once affairs start, they typically do not end unless they are caught or the OW gets upset and shares. I know the kids pictures hurt. I remember the OW in my situation said my daughters name and I was furious. You are a strong woman and will come out on top. Good that your ex-husband is still involved with your youngest son, as he should still maintain responsibility as a father. You ex knows he lost a good woman, trust me. In time, I wish you the faith to love again, you deserve it.

  • Stephanie January 23, 2016, 6:48 PM

    I am the OW, after 5 years of being in an intimate relationship with who everyone believes is basically my husband! Co-workers, community, friends. I recently turned 28 and want another child, I feel like I deserve marriage. I’ve done everything a wife is supposed to. Ive picked up everything she lacked. Now it’s creating distant between us. He says he’s not compatible with her. They have 4 kids and his excuse is he doesn’t want to hurt their feelings which is understandable, but what about mine at this point. He built a life with me. We basically share a home, owned a business together, my 6 year old daughter calls him step dad. He tells me to tell her so it’s not on him that told it’s on me, But I feel like it’s not in my place to do that. He is the man he created these two lives. I’m not going to give up on this. What else do I have to do?

  • Mica February 23, 2016, 12:17 PM

    I am sorry but I completely disagree with this article. I was the OW however we were both married. We both knew what we were doing was wrong but continued anyway. I had enough heart to tell my husband the truth. We didn’t end up together and we made the right choice. We have both moved on. Now, the OM in my life who was also married decided to drag my name through the mud. He lied to all our neighbours (yes this was a terrible thing we lived near each other). When I left my husband he continued to contact me. After 2 years of therapy and finally forgiving myself I have decided to tell his wife the truth. NOT to be malicious, not to destroy her marriage but because if I was her I would want to know the truth. I would want to know what my husband is/was capable of. She can do what she decides with the information but I am carrying the burden of our affair. I didn’t do it to hurt her or hurt him. The truth will set you free. I am free.

  • Scotland55 October 18, 2016, 3:11 PM

    I was the OW for two and half years, always planning the future etc. Only to find out recently that I am actually OW number 2. So he has his wife of 38 years ( married young ) then I discover by accident as he used my computer and left his email account open, that he has another lover of 22 years!! Having now access to his email account and all addresses, I emailed his wife amd lover to let them both know about me. Of course the whole pack pf cards has come tumblimg down. Everyone is wrecked, and the fallout is immense. But how dare he. I am not sorry.

    • Jewels November 27, 2016, 7:14 PM

      Scotland55 – wow 22 years as the OW and you are the 2nd OW? Good for you for bringing everything to light, that was bold, but the truth is now out and he has to deal with the fallout.

      Mica – I am not sure what part you disagree with, but I am glad to hear that you told his wife the truth. That is huge. I get emails from the OW asking if they should tell, and I always say – if your intent is pure and you are trying to help expose the truth do it. If you intent is to be malicious and hurt the wife to get back at the husband for hurting you – then proceed with caution. With my OW, she was in pain and wanted to transfer that to me. With you, it is a different story altogether. I am happy that you are free from this situation and glad you went to therapy – more of us women need to go to therapy.

      Stephanie – Seems like you built alot on being the OW – your entire community is aware of him and thinks of both of you in a relationship, which is not too uncommon. It is a bit odd if I am reading this correctly that he tells you to tell her? That sounds a bit off. He wants you to tell his wife that you are sleeping with him so he can get divorced and both of you can be ‘out’? I also get the feeling that you are afraid to do this as well, because that might mess up your equilibrium as well. Unfortunately, a good portion of your life is built on this concept which might of might not play out – big gamble.

  • SadLady November 15, 2016, 8:08 AM

    I am the other woman and my reason for wanting to tell his wife is because she deserves better. It’s been 8 months since she found our texts. Our affair had been off and on for 6 years prior to becoming regular for the past 4. We looked at houses, I wore a ring, I tried on wedding gowns. I fully believed he was getting away with it for as long as he could so he could stay with his daughters. Growing up without my dad, the last thing I wanted to do was allow that to happen to 2 innocent little girls. The wife, I couldn’t have cared less about. “She didn’t love him, appreciate him, show affection, she was nothing like me!!” But she was just like me… She loved him very much!! The fact that she was devastated by texts told me everything he’d said was a lie. Sadly, she thinks that’s all it was and he’s allowing her to believe that. He laughs about what a fool she is and brags about getting away with it and still contacts me via another phone he got after. I’m emailing his incriminating texts to myself. Just last week he sent “I never wanted to leave (her name), I just dreamed of marrying you. I’m sorry I told you.” He’s still trying to lead me to believe we have a future. Part of me wants to believe him but the other part, the bigger part, is disgusted by his actions. How dare he treat this woman I now feel is probably a saint like this!! How does he sleep at night?? Knowing he’s fooled BOTH of us. I want to tell her so bad that he’ll never love anyone as much as he loves himself and his image and his money!! I hope she finds out everything and takes him for all he is worth. I’ll help her any way I can.

    • Jewels November 27, 2016, 6:43 PM

      SadLady,

      You are right, both women get played, both the OW and wife gets told from the husband how much in love he is ect. ect. It’s literally living 2 different lives – but it is all an illusion. I’ve hear many stories of the husband telling the OW all type of vicious lies about how the wife is lazy, no sex, mean, ect. Even had some lie and say the wife was sick with a disease, it is awful. And YES – such men will never love anyone as much as they love themselves. Most OW never come to this realization and live a good portion of their lives in a fantasy and hope of a dream that will not come true. Now that you know the truth, you can move on. I also hope the wife is on her own journey of understanding and truth as well.

  • Scotland55 November 28, 2016, 9:08 AM

    It has been a couole of months now since I blew his whole life up by telling his wife and OW number one. She has been in regular contact with me ( OW that is. ) but I am finding her tiring and intially it alomst felt thearputic, now its claustrphobic. I dont want to waste my time and energy anymore agreeing he was a lying toad etc. He closed down all communications with everyone, his wife has locked him out of the house and I heard he was loving with a friend. Basically I destoyed his life as he knew it. That doesnt give ne pleasure at all but I am still not sorry. I am feelimg stronger emotionally and mentally. I have moved away to be closer to my daughter and have been very busy and it has helped hugely……..then today he sends an email askkng if he can make contact with me!!!! Part of me of course wants that, I love him,,but equally I am just the best bet now as the other two have gone !!

  • Jo December 28, 2016, 5:37 PM

    I agree with this article 50% of what it states. I was the OW. Horrible but the husband does guarantee the opportunity he will be with you and regardless of being the OW. Men paint a pretty horrible picture of their wife. I see some relationships live after affairs. But being in the action and watching a husband be so destructive is insane. Husbands don’t cheat because the other woman is a perfect 10. Husbands cheat because it’s a choice. It’s the thrill, it’s more exciting to have a “secret”, it’s engulfing in a mental, emotional, and physical affair. No rules no nagging woman to say clean or cook or pick up only because they don’t live with the OW. Honestly I told the wife because I felt guilty. I didn’t realize that she was a woman just like me… getting played just like me. If my husband was running around like that I would want to be informed and I would run the other way, the pain and hurt is too much to handle and recover from personally. Remember not all OW’s are heartless bi*ches.

  • Jen January 10, 2017, 1:05 PM

    I am the other woman, and I did not know it until we had been seeing each other for about 3 or 4 months. He tells me he has his own room, and that they are only together because of the child but we are 8 months in this and im starting to think this is all lies. So, he has lied to me for this long, and I just feel like I’m wrecking a home. Also, the question remains how many years other women is he seeing!? I don’t know im confused. I think he and I should terminate the relationship and come clean to his wife. I feel horrible about it all. Any advice?

  • Heartbroken January 11, 2017, 10:09 AM

    Hi, I could tell you not all other women are heartless people or dreamed they will ever find themselves in that position. Not all OW have the intention of breaking up the marriage by telling the wife. I was the Other Woman and it drove me crazy. I watched him go back and forth in my life with his indecisions, Yet i nutured and cared from him while putting myself last. He said so many horrible things about the wife but i never for once believed all and sometimes questioned his own faults. This ex married lover took me through a whirlwing of Ups and Downs. He started out with him wanting to get a divorce which i tried to dissuade him in the begining and asked he worked things out with his wife but was adamant, then he had me inform my parents about him to prove that i really wanted to be with him and i love him(till today my parents dont trust my decisions, people who brought me up), i turned my back against the world cos of him by trusting him which he always said, I went through episodes of attempted suicide on many occassions one where i found myself in the hospital, he even blamed me at some point for not givng his family attention..He made think i was the crazy one and when he did things was unapologetic.. 4months ago, i was done and ready and asked him not to contact me again after a big fight. i had started listening to the bible and getting bk on track and seeing my life without him and cut off contact with him… 2 months later he comes apologizing and stating he is sorry and he will get his act right and told him we could be friends but im done dating a married man(i should v cut off all contact but i tried to be mature and nice and gave him audience) i begged(emphasis on the begging) him to go work things out with his wife. at some point he stated that will i be ok with him dating someone else while we were friends and i told him i will rather he works things out with his wife but if that was wat he wanted to do i cant stop him but eventually one thing led to another and i found yself in the same cycle as we got back together again. And then before the end of the 2016 in december came back telling me he was now born again and that he didnt want to go back to his sin pointing fingers at me and that we could be friends wt no sexual contact and i lost it. He claimed he wasnt breaking up with me but common! He even stated he was going to tell his wife about the affair and that he will tell her he will still like to keep his friendship with me… Please tell me what wife will accept that?!It was so clear he wanted to keep stringing me along. At this point i lost it…It occured to me that if i didnt break this toxic cycle, i will surely commit suicide at some point. So i made a choice, so he could finally let me be…I told his wife about the affair and begged for her forgiveness…many people can say it wasnt in my right but look at all the havoc he had caused in my life in his wake aand as a result of his indecision nd selfishness(he had always said why cant he have the two)…. He stated he was born again but still wanted to keep me in his life and still string me along knowing fully well i was still in love with him..He still wanted to have lunch with him and for us to talk everyday…I believed if i told his wife, he will hate me enough not to contact me again and hopefully he doesnt contact me again and also to possibly deter him of the thought of having another affair with someone else if he thought of all the trouble he might face! It was a toxic cycle that seems like it will never end. So i made a choice he wasnt ready to deal with! His wife stated she had forgiven me and that i should get right with God and was realistic to admit that it was her husband who kept coming back even though i took responsibility for letting him stay. She collected my number although i insisted that we couldnt be friends cos i was ashamed. I have since blocked his number and hers and hope he could man up enough to work his marriage out and stop looking outwards. Id i wanted to tear their marriage apart i could have given her every gory details including the tots he has of sometimes wanting to kill her but i will never do that. Her forgiveness is enought for me…So my confession was not to tear them apart it was to at least for me, keep him away. I hope he has learnt his lessons and at least not contact me again

  • Nesa January 22, 2017, 7:03 PM

    I’ve been with this MM 7 months, we met on a dating site. He told me he was separated almost 2years and I felt comfortable with that. He slept with me every night for months, I became pregnant and now he says him and his wife are going to work it out, leaving me heartbroken. He said some mean thing like he was not going to help me support the baby( he couldn’t because he’s married) so I got upset and inboxed the wife and told her everything as well as pictures to back it up. Me and him hot into it real bad and I felt like it was over. He came to my house and was all over me and we ended up having sex. I feel so used cause the very next day he was back treating me bad. Should I give her the update??? I want him to feel regret just like me

    • Jewels January 22, 2017, 11:28 PM

      Hi Nesa,

      It appears you got caught into a situation with a man that told you he was separated but was actually married. This person seems like the type that will say what he wants to get his way. You told the wife because you were upset – so she already knows. Then he got mad at you, stopped by, and you had sex with him. And now he is back to ignoring you.

      Now at this point you knew he was married and didn’t stop once he made advances, which tells me even though you know he is married and you know he said he wants to be with his wife, you still want him and though that after sex things might go back to your ‘perceived’ normal. What you have to ask yourself is why? You are entering a zone that can cause all parties involved to be in a good amount of pain. Telling the wife with the soul purpose to get back at the husband typically backfires because your intentions are off. I would think about your life and your priorities, you have a baby on the way by a man that is currently not saying he is going to be responsible enough to support you in any way. A man that happened to want to ‘work it out’ with his wife the moment you got pregnant. Will you be ok without him – YES. Could you try and seek support for your child even if he doesn’t claim the child – YES. But keep in mind, if you stay involved with this man, life can get very messy and ugly – and you are better than that.

  • other woman February 16, 2017, 2:27 PM

    I actually told his partner because he told me he was single he fooled me for 4months by that time I had fallen quite hard for him. I loved him with everything I had. So I told her because I was single and happy with no baggage, no debt and there are good woman looking for meaningful relationships, so where the hell do these men get off thinking they can get away with it. Yeah I told her and I would always tell the wife if this ever happened to me again, which I hope not. I told her because he would of done it again. Now if she is happy with this life, no harm, no foul. If she is oblivious then she now gets to take the reigns and decide what she wants. Although it may hurt her she know gets the chance to take control if she chooses. Quite frankly why should I protect her and him when my heart was lied to. Time for these men to grow up.

  • Polly March 1, 2017, 7:00 AM

    It might help some of you to learn about narcissism. Many of these men sound like they are just that. There are different kinds of narcissists and varying degrees so don’t stop reading if you find the generic version of the ones who look in the mirror too much. Narcissists, in reality, have low self-esteem which is disguised as high self-esteem. They are impossible to reason with, they lack empathy, they make you feel crazy, they make you feel bad, they speak in “word salad” (narcissist version), they give you the silent treatment and on and on. Many are called “covert narcissists”. Do some research. Most therapists won’t work with narcissists because it’s hopeless. They will only work with their victims. “No contact” is the only way to go with these people (75% are men). Good luck to all in your healing.

  • Fooled April 17, 2017, 2:40 PM

    I have read some of these post about how bad the other women is well that is just not always the fact. I have been seeing a man 3 years and have known him 8 years he informed everyone he divorced 5 years ago. Well guess what all was a lie. Have found so many lies and I want to inform his wife because she needs to know its not revenge against him its a eye opener for her. Yes I thought he was a once in a life time love and I am hurt and angry but not at the wife only wish I had known.

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