Cheating Husbands often blame their wives for the affair. I cheated because we argued too much. I cheated because we didn’t have enough sex. I cheated because I was stressed and overwhelmed. I cheated because I didn’t feel important to you now that we have kids. I cheated because she made me feel good. I cheated because, because because….blah blah blah!!
The response that most of us crave is this “I cheated because I was selfish and thinking about myself only. I made the choice to cheat and accept full responsibility; it had nothing to do with you.” That would be wonderful because at the end of the day, that is the reason for cheating. Anybody can make up any excuse to cheat, it’s easy.
In my opinion, to cheat and hint that it’s the wife’s fault is lame. Stand up and take responsibility for your actions cheaters. EVERYONE experiences relationship problems. You choose how to handle it. Just because you have a problem with your marriage does not give you a ‘cheat for free card’.
So next time you hear your cheating husband tell you that his reason for having an affair has anything to do with you, don’t believe it. He could have opted for other choices when the problem/s started (if there were any at all), but he chose to cheat, and it certainly has nothing to do with you, despite what he says.
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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Was enlightened. Nice post!
Thanks!
SO TRUE! You cheated because you have no morals or values and your personal satisfaction mattered more than the marriage or your wife’s respect! THATS why you cheated! smh
Hmmm. I think its not so true. In some situation, the wife could have some blame. Sure its the cheater who made the decision to cheat but sometimes their spouses might have place them in situation that make it easy to cheat. If your husband or wife cheated, you should also have to look within yourself if you are worthy of sharing the blame. Don’t just put the blame on the cheater outright because his actions could be more than it seems. If we did put our spouse in a compromising situation, then we should have to ask forgiveness.
Ralmon, I am not saying the wife is perfect. We are humans, we all have fault. Just because you have marriage problems never justifies cheating because at the end of the day, if it is that bad, get a divorce, don’t lie and cheat behind your wife’s back. As the wife I can’t make you cheat, you are a grown man. If it’s that bad, divorce, go to counseling, communicate, ton’s of stuff to do, so I can not accept that i make a grown husband go and have sex with another women. I think as a society we need to get to the point where people take responsibility for their actions. That was the point, you can make any excuse you want to cheat, but at the end of the day, you have to take responsibility for your actions, and not try to push it off on the wife. Cheaters have many other options other than cheating when marriage problems arise.
Ralmon you are so wrong. If a man shot and killed someone that person he killed is to also to be blamed for his action? What are you thinking! Like Jewels said the cheater is an adult and made the decision themselves plan and simple! You definitely think like a man, just black and white. Just because the wife may have pushed his buttons does not give him the right to cheat! Since you haven’t been cheated on or have cheated yourself you have no idea what you are talking about. Most men whom have done the cheating blame the spouse at first then realize they were the ones at fault and were weak. That is what makes a man, a man one who admits he was solely to blame. for his actions.
You raise some valid points in your comment about why men cheat…But there are different catalysts that can drive one to consider going down that road. Some people are not getting a fulfillment in the bedroom with there spouse, Or some spouses are career driven to the point that the marriage erodes over time… Maybe the love is lost. So what I’m trying to say is that the relationship needs to be noticed by both parties as to if it is functioning well or not.
I am currently unsatisfied with my marriage of 18 yrs…..I have not cheated physically but have had some inappropriate relations because I am tired of being in a relationship that is spinning it’s wheels. And I feel like I will cave soon. I have suggested counseling for years but she don’t have the time and I’m at giving up.
So it is not as simple as it seems. It takes the relationship of both spouses to make it work and both to recognize that it is falling apart…..but denial is tough to admit.
I don’t feel good about my situation nor am I justifying it…It is simply the way things are.
D.B. then why don’t you end the relationship? That way the pain will be less than if you cheated. How could one look at their family after one has cheated? (your spouse, mother, father or kids even). I wished my husband ended the marriage before he cheated plan and simple. If the other partner doesn’t want counseling then it is time to move on. The pain from being cheated on is far more painful than a divorce. Then I could tell myself I didn’t belong with that person there will be someone else some day. When you are cheated on you fell like your whole world just ended.
Hello D.B,
Thank you for sharing your perspective, I think it’s important for women to know and understand how a man might get to the point of cheating and I think you represent the feelings of a good portion of men, including my husband. I need to write more post about the mans perspective because it is important. When a man cheats, from a society perspective it’s “oh my, how could they do such a thing’, but I know there is more to the story and I know for a fact that not all men are bad people, some just made a bad choice, big difference. I think most affairs start exactly how you wrote it. You as the man are frustrated with something within yourself or something within the marriage (like you stated), and see no way out but to cheat. My husband said I rejected him for sex, he didn’t understand it, got mad, and decided to have an affair. Now because he felt that way does not justify his behavior, because instead of cheating there were a ton of things he could of done to try to resolve the issue, in his opinion he tried everything, in my opinion, he didn’t try at all. So the point of me writing this post was to make sure women understand that no matter what the marriage problems are, there are always other alternatives to cheating and for a husband to say, well wife, you made me cheat because of x,y, and z is not fair. Yes, as the wife we are not perfect, we have faults, but I totally agree with what LisaP said, if my husband came to me and said this is not working let’s get a divorce would of been a TON better than cheating, the pain a wife goes through when cheating is nothing compared to the pain of finding out your husband wants a divorce. But for some reason, in our society a cheater feels it is better to cheat than to get a divorce, maybe you can help me understand that logic from your perspective?
So again, I appreciate your view and I need to write more post sharing some of the thoughts that go through a man’s head before he decides to cheat, that would be helpful.
Last but not least, if you haven’t cheated, great!! I know you are thinking, PLEASE read some of the other stories on this site and if she is not doing whatever you need, and she is not willing to go to counseling, don’t cheat, just tell her it’s over and maybe that will jolt her into maybe getting more serious about whatever the problems are in the marriage. Take Care.
Need advise please, believe it or not I am a therapist and as the saying goes cant sort my own issues out. My husband met up with an old fling via facebook and while I was away they had a quick fling. I discovered this as we both had each others passwords, and i logged onto his facebook where they were discussing their lovemaking as well as declaring their undying love for each other. One comment was ” I have never loved my wife as I love you I love her more as a friend”. I confronted him when I returned 4 days later. sad to say my father passed away the next day and I used him for support and in his mind everything was sorted. He still is in contact with this woman and has met her again a couple of times, I have caught him lying about this on numerous occasions. Even though we are separated we still own a business together and have to face each other daily. I have given him conditions to me agreeing to sort our marriage but still nothing from him to date. I am brocken and tearful the whole time. Please help with some advise.
Hello Melrose,
Sorry to hear about your situation. To see that your husband type those words to another women is traumatic. It seems like the next logical move is a conversation with him saying that it appears to be over since he is not putting forth any effort. I know this might be painful to hear, but it is much better for him to say it’s over now than to think that you are working on the marriage and 3 months later realize that he is still seeing this woman – believe it or not that is much more painful. Your heart is going to be sore and numb for a while, just understand it’s a part of the process. Also, since you have a business together, I would really consider talking to a lawyer. I know you haven’t decided on anything, but many law offices have free consultations concerning divorce. Take care, make sure you are eating and getting rest, and keep me informed.
I’ve been married 15 years. With him 17. He’s spent our entire marriage going on about female celebrities that he faniced over the years (actresses, dancers, tv presenters). He compared me to them. A few weeks ago he looked me up and down and asked me how could I possibly compare to a tv dancer he had a crush on (still does in my opinion) in his youth. I’ve also been physically compared to his ex (very unpleasant for me).
He never bothered to get to know me properly – just there for company and sex. When I moved in with him he left me on my own most of the time with just his history books for company. He obviously has issues because he finds it too easy to put me down and refuses point blank to discuss our marriage at all. He vigorously resists the idea of counselling though he said I can go if I want. It’s led to years of fights, tears, threats, incriminations. His own dad said he was far too harsh with me and told him that I think more of him than his ex ever did (she dumped him twice).
He also flirted with a friend of mine during a night out though he denies this.
So all our issues get swept under the carpet and go unresloved, leaving a pile of crap as high as mount everest. And how does my darling H deal with it? HE GOES OFF AND HAS AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR WITH A WOMAN OLDER THAN BOTH OF US AT A PLACE WHERE HE DOES VOLUNTARY WORK – AND BEHAVES INAPPROPRIATELY WITH A LOAD OF OTHER GIRLS THERE AS WELL!! TO ADD INSULT TO INJURY THREE OF THESE WOMEN ARE ON HIS FACEBOOK PAGE AND HE WON’T REMOVE THEM!!!!
He had the emotional affair in 2010. I ended up on anti depressants, had to take 6 weeks off work and was seeing a counsellor for 4 months. She told me not to buy into his attempt to put the blame on me (he said I have an attitude prblem, I behave like a man, I’m not feminine enough) because nothing will improve unless he takes responsibility for his own behaviour – what he has actually done is subjected me to years and yearsof emotional and psychological abuse and I was on the verge of an emotional breakdown. That was over a year go. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I’m still struggling with the fallout of what he’s done and I get no help from him WHATSOEVER. He seems to delight in going behind my back and behaving in ways that create more stress for me.
He also has pictures taken of himself with his arms around the women he behaved inappropriately with. He promised not to do it again.
He can’t understand ‘what the big deal is’ with having these women on his facebook page. He denied they were even on there until I got on his page last weekend and discovered them. I also saw a photo of him WITH HIS ARM AROUND A LOCAL DJ THAT INTERVIEWED HIM on the same page. His response when I confronted him? HE BLOCKED ME FROM HIS PAGE. He keeps saying he’ll remove the women off his page but still hasn’t bothered.
I have always been there for him. Obviously too much; he’s taken me for granted. I’m the main breadwinner, I’ve never so much as looked ‘that way’ at another man and I make sure any man who tries it on with me knows my boundaries. My H DOES NOT DO THIS. He claims he’s being friendly (he said that when he was being “too friendly” with my friend – by the way, she’s one of the women on his FB page – he added her without asking me how I felt about it and kept it from me until I stumbled across it last week). His father, step mum and best friends have all expressed their disapproval but he listens to nobody. His best friend told him these women aren’t worth wrecking his marriage for. His dad told him he’ll wreck his marriage if he keeps it up. BUT NOTHING WORKS.
His dad spoiled him rotten when he was a child. Money, time, material possessions, trips out and holidays were thrown at himbut he was never taught any boundaries or told that he had to stand on his own two feet. He still gets money off his dad and he’s got money in a saving accout but he won’t help me to pay off our bank overdraft with it. He keeps saying we’ll go on holiday and then if I dare to bring up his FB page or his behaviour with these women he changes his mind.
I’ve had it. Because his behaviour hasn’t improved, because he won’t take responsibility, because he makes excuses, I feel even more traumatised than I did before. I’m now trawling the internet for accommodation to rent because I can’t take this any more. I’ve tried to forgive him and trust him but he’s given me no reason to. And to think that I worshipped this man with my heart and soul.