Why Affair Recovery is Difficult – #1 TRIGGER

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Why Affair Recovery is Difficult – #1 TRIGGER post image

Photo courtesy of Keoni Cabral https://www.flickr.com/photos/keoni101/

I just realized today why recovering from a husband’s affair is so darn difficult! After you discover adultery within the marriage, you will see, hear, or remember certain things that will remind you of your husband cheating and put you back in that angry or sad place. Check out After the affair: five emotional triggers for more information on triggers.

I have learned that the number one emotional trigger/reminder of the affair is actually my husband!

I realized this when one of the members of the community (Thanks, Maya!) was talking about how upset she felt just by looking at her husband. When I read her story, I remembered times where I looked at my husband and felt SO angry, even though he wasn’t doing anything at the moment but sitting there breathing.

This is what makes marriage recovery so difficult and complicated; you’re trying to get past an affair that you’re reminded of every time you look at your spouse. I do feel that with time, affirmations, patience, and practice, a woman can learn to not feel anger, resentment, and pain every time she looks at her cheating husband, but doing that isn’t exactly easy, nor is it something I necessarily know how to do (I left my husband).

  • myra January 28, 2011, 3:12 PM

    Hi,
    So I have been working on forgiving the husband, but I just found out about a possible STD and I am freaking out. I don’t think I can forgive if it becomes a reality. WTF I know I can’t or won’t forgive him for that!! Especially if he didn’t betray me in the first place or at least have worn a condom. I am so hurt and disgusted by all of this drama.

    • Jewels January 28, 2011, 10:16 PM

      Hello Myra,

      Most men do not use condoms when they cheat, and I have no idea why. They could get an STD or get the OW pregnant, and it’s like they don’t think. Your supposed to trust your husband, but after cheating, you really can’t trust much. Be safe Myra, I hope that it’s not an STD, and whether or not it is or isn’t, make him use a condom to protect yourself.

      DRAMA – you’re so right about that. I never though in a million years my life would have this much drama with all the cheating, I still can’t believe it at times.

  • Maria January 31, 2011, 1:21 PM

    If cheating has occurred multiple times it is possible that one is dealing with a narcissistic person. Unfortunately a narcissist can rarely change… It helps to know that we are not alone with our problems. Here are some personal stories that include some of the red flags and warning signs of infidelity and narcissism in a relationship: http://www.cheating-infidelity.com/Home/personal-stories-narcissistic-spouse.html

    • Jewels January 31, 2011, 10:25 PM

      Thanks Maria for sharing – your site is great and seems to have helps a great deal of women through this experience.

  • harcolman May 11, 2011, 9:52 PM

    Having your husband cheat on you is never something anyone wishes for. But sometimes for your own sanity, you just need to find out the truth for yourself. After all, who wants to be ignorant and in the dark while your husband is running around town behind your back?

    • Jewels May 13, 2011, 10:02 PM

      Harcolman,

      That’s a good way of looking at it, your essentially saying be glad that we found out, versus still being in the dark. Your right, I am glad I found out when I did, I could of invested alot more love, time and energy into the marriage not knowing what was going on. Great perspective, thanks for sharing.

  • Sandy-Sue July 18, 2011, 1:51 PM

    I realized over the weekend (after reading these posts in the last week or so), that my #1 trigger regarding my husband is laundry! As I fold the ‘whites’, mostly his stuff, first I think…”Why am I doing this?”….and then I look at his stretched-out-waistband tighty-whities and I think…”Really?! You have got to be kidding me that a 24-year old girl was getting naked with my 45-year old husband…over the course of a 4-month affair!…and was really into him?” And not cracking up laughing as this ‘old man’ undressed/dressed in front of her! I just cannot believe it!!
    He’s not ugly, but not super-handsome either. Sure not what most young women go for — I know because we HAVE 2 young daughters just a couple years younger than his freaking girlfriend! He’s not super-fit but works out so it’s distributed somewhat well…except for the slight beer belly – lol!
    I just cannot imagine how/why it lasted so long — oh that’s right!…the money, the concerts, the trips, etc. All while he was lying to my face about where he was and who he was with. GRRR!!

    • Jewels July 19, 2011, 12:19 AM

      Hello Sandy, thanks for the good laugh, I can literally imagine you holding up his underwear going ‘Really?’ lol. My husband cheated with a young 20 something girl as well. These girls just want to be wined and dined, and our husbands fall for it. The lies and spending OUR money on her angered me for a long time. It’s one thing to cheat, but to lie all the time, and take money that we are suppose to use for bills to pay to wine and dine some young girl that doesn’t care about him at all, it’s just insane what our husband’s sacrifice for cheating. Yes, I agree – GRRR!! Take Care.

  • Royal Wife October 15, 2011, 6:32 PM

    My # 1 Trigger…seeing anything remotely related to police officers. Since I caught them, As, I did not set an eye on him since I left him. It is now going on 4 weeks since I left my hometown to get away from him. I have to see him eventually because I want to see my family before I go away for the birth of our baby (first child for both of us). I know the #1 Trigger then will be to see him in his uniform, what suppose to represent professionalism, honesty, integrity and so forth when he does not posess none of the above.

    • Jewels October 16, 2011, 9:55 PM

      Royal Wife,

      Uniform being a trigger, I can understand that completely. Sometimes the one’s in uniform thing they are ‘above the law’ you know what I mean? It seems like because of his actions he is not going to be able to experience the joy of seeing his first child as much as he would probably like, because that first child is a wonderful experience. I hope things work out for you.

  • Royal Wife October 17, 2011, 5:57 AM

    Jewels,
    I will say, I am so relieved to find your website…for I am trying to cope with the shock still. I have a few days where anger is starting to arise due to triggers, but I don’t want that to happen. It is so unhealthy for me and baby.

    I just feel as if I have to hurry and “get over this” and wrap things back to normal as possible before baby arrives. It’s as if my feelings and healing have to be rushed or put aside which I do not mind so much because baby will always be my priority.

    I do know where you are coming from in regards to the uniform. This uniform probably makes him feel more powerful and attractive…for women.

    Thanks Jewels for listening & caring.

    • Jewels October 18, 2011, 11:37 PM

      Hello Royal Wife,

      I understand your intentions of trying to get this wrapped up before the baby comes, just be careful, this is not typically one of those things you can put a bandage on and move on with life. It’s one of the most difficult emotional states to deal with in marriage and I just don’t want you to beat yourself up if you are not ‘back to normal’ by the time the baby arrives. I can tell in your writing that you are so excited about the baby and don’t worry the baby is going to get so much love regardless of what is going on. I repeat, your loving spirit as a mom to be shows through so loud and clear, you don’t have to worry or fear that your baby might get anything less than unconditional love because of the situation. Take Care.

  • Paula November 17, 2011, 1:33 AM

    Hey Royal Wife. God bless you in your situation. DON’T RUSH to get over your feelings. It will hurt you in the long run. YOU did nothing wrong. It’s OK to feel angry and hurt. While the new baby will help to distract you from your feelings about your husband’s betrayal, you need the time to heal yourself. If your husband is truly willing to put the work in that’s necessary to heal your relationship, give it a shot.

  • Gabigirl January 27, 2012, 4:34 PM

    I am not married, but I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now. We just had a baby girl about 3 months ago. I learned he was cheating on me while I was pregnant. And to make matters worse, it was with a girl who KNEW ME; a girl he had fooled around with prior and a girl he went back to after she disrespected me. He finally came clean (schmuck!) only after I sent some nasty text messages to the stupid whore! Sorry ladies, I am just soooo angry! And to make matters worse; he still works with her at night. So the latest incident was that she followed him to his car, demanding he speak with her and THEN AFTER EVERYTHING HE PUT ME THROUGH PREGNANT…HE GAVE THIS BITCH A RIDE HOME! And I am the one making a big deal, I am the one at fault, and I AM THE ONE who cannot get over it. OMG; I WANT TO PUNCH HIM! I want him to feel how hurt and angered I am from all of this. I have tried everything, the power of prayer, the power of forgiveness and trying to come to some sort of reason in my head that I am not crazy or losing it. I just need someone to tell me, I AM NOT WEAK. I FEEL WEAK, I FEEL LOW and I FEEL like I have let down my daughter for trying to work on this relationship. I am hurting so badly right now and I feel sooooo disrespected and this idiot just doesnt get it!!!!

  • mistreatedmother February 3, 2012, 1:40 PM

    Gabigirl, I know what you mean. i have been in your shoes. I got married at the tender age of 17 because i got pregnant. Its been 5 years and i just found out my husband cheated on me, though, not all the way, he works out of town and had been talking to a girl for a week or less. When he came home for the weekend i looked through hisi phone because i had a gut feeling something was going on. sure enought, i find this bitch all over his phone. his phone crammed with text messages from and to her, pictures, calls, and let me just say, this girl is disgusting!!! I am no Jessica Beil or Jen Aniston, but I NOW I am SOOO much better than this nobody. She is a 5’8 heavy set girl short hair, tatooes piercings the whole thing. I am the complete opposite, Im short only 5’4 a curvy size 5 and by curvy i mean ass haha, small waist, long dark hair, no tattoos. i dont understand how he could do this to me. and with who. as i read through the messages i saw she would sweet talk him alot, something i rarely do anymore. I called this girl that same night while my OH was sleeping. She told me everything, and admitted to only using him for his money, she said she only saw him once, the day they met, which i believe because she livves 2 hrs away from where he was working. And to top it all off, this bitch even tried to give me “advice” on how to trick men into giving me money without giving them a single kiss. what the hell is that all about???!!! Wellits been 5 months since that, and this girl sent me a fr on facebook, i approved and looked through her wall at the months when she was wit my husband. i saw all these posts of her talking about all these other men at the same time she was with my husband (again, she only talked to him for a week) she messaged me later to tellme she was MARRIED!!!!!! i feel so bad for this man she married. he married a complete prostitute, because in rality thats what she is!! and to tell me she was with 3 other men while she was talking to my husband. SO the fool here is who?? me?? or my idiot husband who fell for some trashy low class girl (prostitute) i feel like i can finally move on. like i said its been 5 months and i finally am starting to feel hope, that i can be on mywn with my 3 kids. I am ony 22, and i know someday years from now, God will send me he right man. If not, i will be alone and HAPPY!!!!

  • Liz February 5, 2012, 11:43 AM

    Triggers…. they come right out of the blue don’t they? I’ve been here before, it’s been 8 months since I’ve discovered that my husband had an affair. He lived out of town for the past couple of years coming home on weekends. I discovered it when he came back home for good because of a fb chat he left open. He’s not very computer savvy. Didn’t realize that you actually have to log out for fb page to go away. Their conversations on this chat was mainly ‘good morning baby’. Once she did say that she was coming to town the next week and that she had ‘kisses to give him all over his body’. After the initial shock I decided not to leave him, not yet at least, the jury is still out, but our sex life has never been better. We make love now at least twice a week, that is something we did when we were newlyweds. We’ve been married 20 years and are both in our 50s. There isn’t a time though that she isn’t in bed with us. The minute my lips touch his body her ‘kisses all over’ comes to mind. When I iron I wonder, is this shirt a gift from her? Did she sleep on these sheets? Did she use my pots and pans to cook him a romantic meal? He’s never discussed the details with me, I don’t know how long it lasted. He’s just told me that it meant and means absolutely nothing. Is it possible that we can make love as often as we do yet he can still be having an affair? He both initiates love making and reciprocates if I do. He’s stopped sleeping on the couch which he did quite often before. I’m suspicious of absolutely everything. I ‘stalk’ her on fb to see if I can discover (not easy) if and when she will be in our town. Whenever I have been able to tell that she is here my husband’s moves are accounted for…. horrible horrible horrible thing he’s done, I don’t deserve what I’m going thru now. Should I start to relax a bit? I’d love your advice and input. Thanks for listening =)

    • Jewels February 5, 2012, 11:21 PM

      mistreatedmother – Yeah it seems like he choose a real winner with that one, all about the money, and married? – he should be embarrassed. Gabigirl – gave her a ride home, yes, sometimes they just don’t get how something like that can be so painful, and it can be so so frustrating. But sometimes they get it and they act like they don’t, so just watch him.

      To both of you – you are both 22, young, and mistreatedmother, you are right, sometimes alone and happy is so much better than with someone full of drama. Kids or no kids, 22 you still have your entire life ahead of you, and you do not have to accept this type of behavior.

    • Jewels February 5, 2012, 11:27 PM

      Hello Liz,

      What you are going through is a stage as far as being obsessed with everything, I was there at one point, his life consumed him, I had to know what was going on. I decided to let it go, I told myself I can not live my entire life following him. It is my personal belief that you will be given signs whether you are paranoid about it or not. Your radar is on such high alert, even if you relax a bit, you naturally will be on the lookout. As far as your question is he still cheating or not even with the sex, he could be, you just don’t know. At this point I think you need to think within yourself what parameters you want to set with your husband. You don’t want him to relax and think that cool, she took me back, now I can do this again. So it’s important that you tell him what will happen if you find out again, and say it like you mean it. That way, if he cut it off with her, great, if he didn’t, you will at least know in your heart you told him what will happen, so if he choose to continue, that is on him. Take Care!

  • Liz February 6, 2012, 3:34 AM

    Thanks Jewels, although we haven’t had an open conversation about this I found the opportunity to let him know what would happen if he continues with her or has an affair with someone else. I put a quote on my fb status saying something to the effect of ‘an honest person does the right thing even if no one is looking’ and he saw it and asked me if I’m talking about him. After explaining that not everything I do has to do with him I asked him why he’s asking? Are you doing something that you don’t want me to know about? He said no and I said I’m glad because after everything that has happened and where we are now, IF I find out ever that this hasn’t stopped, we’re done. He didn’t say a word.

    • Jewels February 7, 2012, 11:09 PM

      Liz,

      Nice. He has been warned – and it seems like he was a little taken back by your boldness, which is good, let him know!

  • Diane July 5, 2012, 2:57 AM

    I am so angry with my husband and it is hurting me not him. I live in a small apartment with no to love will he lives in a big house with his mistress. We are not divorced and our kids except the whole thing. Why is it he did wrong and he has happiness and I am suffering beyond words. I don’t know how to get past this and it is hurting my kids relationship with me. I hate him and that he is happy like he did nothing wrong. We were married 33 years and I am suffering and he is enjoying life with her. Life is not fair, my anger is getting the best of me and I don’t know how to deal with it. Please help.

    • Jewels July 8, 2012, 10:14 PM

      Hello Diane,

      I know life does not seem fair, but remember, life is not over and you have no idea how things might turn out. He might seem happy now, but that does not mean his future will turn out that way, it may be only temporary. You know when you are at work, you but on your best face? Well your husband is doing the same, no matter what happens, he is going to put on a show like everything is perfect in his world. Don’t buy it. Life your life, and in order to get rid of the anger, you have to get the focus off of your husband, stop looking at what he is doing and comparing your life to his. You may have wonderful things in store for you but you can not see if now because you attention is totally focused on him. Take some time to focus on you, and what your wants and needs are, and to those things. Your life is just as important as his, so it’s time to dedicate some attention to it. And by the way, you did nothing to deserve this, do not think that because everything is ‘perfect’ on his end that you somehow deserved this. Remember – life is not over yet, this is just temporary! Take care my friend…

  • Aimee August 14, 2012, 3:35 AM

    It has been 8 months since I discovered my husband’s infidelities. He has been very active in trying work things out, however, he was never fully honest with me and I had to find out almost all of the information on my own. Now, everything is out on the table and we have done a little counseling. I just have a hard time not continually reliving it and seeing him as the person he was when he cheated on me. He is totally transparent with me now, I look at everything that is his to make sure he isn’t talking to anyone that I think is questionable. I know that if I can move forward then things will get better. I just don’t know how to move forward and unfortunately, our counseling options where we are aren’t very good. There is a new family counselor that comes in every 2 months and we have to start over from the beginning. How do you move on? How do you stop seeing your spouse with other people. I feel like my triggers happen every time I see him or he touches me or tries to kiss me. I don’t know how to keep that from happening. I’m feeling kind of hopeless about things working out at this point even though my husband is making the effort.

    • Jewels August 20, 2012, 8:42 PM

      Hello Aimee,

      If your husband is doing everything to rebuild trust, and being totally transparent, and you still can’t get the image out of your mind, you are normal :). 8 months is still the beginning stages of rebuilding. We live in such a ‘fix it quick’ society, this unfortunately is a slow process. You mention that 8 months late, you are still checking all his thing to make sure he is not cheating, I would let up on that for a couple of reasons, every time you ‘check on him’ you remember the affair, so by checking in you are constantly reliving the affair, which is not fair to both of you. Checking up on him can be an addiction in itself.If you check his things once a day, try doing it once a week, and then do it less and less. I’m not saying stop checking all together, but just ease up. Because at the end of the day, if he really wanted to cheat again, he can, regardless if you check in on him everyday or every week. If he has earned it (meaning been transparent and not show any lies or secrets), then ease up.

      Another thing that will help you is this – make you you put your needs on the table and take care of your personal interests and hobbies so that in the event that he cheats again, you still have yourself. Meaning do not betray yourself, if he cheats again, he can betray you but do not put yourself in a position to betray yourself. Many women betray themselves (meaning it’s all about the husband and what he wants to do), so that when he cheats, it’s a double hit, one of self-betrayal (I sacrificed all of this and he still cheats) and betrayal of a spouse. Live your life so that you will not come upon self-betrayal, and that will help you as well.

      Last but not least, I think you still need to forgive him, you are still harboring intense pain an until you address that, it will be hard to look at him without having anger. The first step for me was spending time alone, in order to self-reflect on what I was really feeling. As your husband to give you some time each week to just be alone so you can think about what has happened and allow the anger to come to the surface.

      These are all just concepts and ideas that might help you on your journey of healing with you husband, I wish you the best!

  • Aimee August 21, 2012, 1:05 AM

    Jewels,

    Thank you so much for your suggestions. I cannot tell you how much you have helped me since all of this stuff happened. I don’t have a lot of people to talk to about it because it is so humiliating for me that I don’t want anyone to know about it. That just seems to make it difficult to work through it all on my own…lol!

    I will try as hard as I can to forgive him. That is probably going to be the most difficult thing for me. I had to find out about all of the infidelities on my own. I found the first ones in Nov. of last year, pictures he took while having sex with someone else. We started counseling and he said that she was the only one he had been with and it was only once, he claimed to have told me everything. I find out 4 months later that he actually was with 4 different people and I had to find pictures and text messages from all of them, I feel traumatized. I feel like it put me right back into the place where I found out about the first one but worse because he swore that he told me the truth the first time. I just don’t know how to let it go because I don’t understand it. He told me he was going through a really hard time and felt inadequate and that was his way of making himself feel better. I just don’t know how to be understanding when I, as well, was going through a really hard time and I didn’t decide to cheat. Ugh! I just feel like I am stuck in a vicious cycle.

  • May September 12, 2012, 3:22 PM

    Aimee,

    Reading your story is like a reflection of mine, I too dont have any friends I can talk to about so I try to find ways to cope with my cheating partner. I only know of one, but feel there have been others, especially when I’ve found evidence but he never admitted to it. I hoped that when he admitted to the latest one he would come clean with everything else, but he didn’t and probably never will. I’ts hard to cope with the triggers, we dont go to counseling, something I dont feel comfortable in doing. It’s very hard when I feel that I can’t move forward. Some days are great, but then somedays I just want to break down and tell him I cant do this. Times were difficult for both of us, espcecially when I carried most of the bills when he was out of work, and yet as you stated I never found comfort in another mans arms, because my man couldnt support me. It angers me to think of it. I am going in a month in trying to work it out, and he is trying, he is telling me everything, even shows texts me his time clock of when he clocks in and out. He comes straight home.
    I am glad I found this site and be able to “talk” and get support. Rather than keeping it all in and tyring to figure out how to cope.

  • Royal Wife September 12, 2012, 7:55 PM

    Hey Jewels,
    It has been so long and I must admit. When I first found this site and read many of the life experiences regarding affairs, I was like…I am so lucky to not have it so bad as some of these women. I was naive to think he was telling me the truth regarding his affair. I thought, what has he got to lose, he don’t have me or the baby (at the time) I was pregnant. So, when I asked questions during the months I stayed away, I had put trust back on the line. I did move back in with him when I gave birth to a beautiful boy in hopes of it working. Only after a few weeks he went out and cheated again with a much younger girl (just turned 19 a few days before he made out with her in a bar). I moved out and we shared baby for months. During that time, I put the pieces of the puzzle together, so to speak. He did not give me no truth whatsoever regarding the first affair. After I caught them when I was pregnant and I left the community, they still were together at our house. She was there day or night, drinking and watching tv and Lord knows what else. That is just tip of the iceberg. The lies he has told are disturbing. I thought I deserved and at least should have some truth. Like, I have to do all the work to make this marriage work?!?! It’s as if, he has more respect for her than me. He was willing to tell lies after lies for months on end for her and all the while, I did not deserve a shred of honesty. He lied about so much, it is so overwhelming when I sit and think about it. We did not live together for a year and we went to 2 counseling sessions. He did not want to go any longer. Like, my recovery was not worth his time. My self esteem is shot, nothing there. I did move away with him, my present situation. Only to find out a few weeks ago, more lies reached the surface. Like wtf, I moved away with you to try and make it work, only to find more lies! It’s as if he don’t realize that, “gosh, this woman is still here with me after all my shit, maybe I should come clean for her sake and ours and our family…” I feel as if the things he did and told me was maybe a lies as well, I have to second guess everything again now. Like, I do not think he will EVER tell me the TRUTH. Can I live with that and try make a new life with him? Because the one we had before is gone, the marriage was in dire straights when he dumped me when i was carrying our son and it died the night I caught him with a 21 year old. It is EXTREMELY difficult to try and build a new relationship and hope for one, when is being built on lies. So close to throwing in the towel, but still feels guilt for our son. Like, I want to give him the chance at a family…one that is happy and healthy and together, but he seems to not have that on track. He says he wants it, but once again, his actions speak louder than words. FRUSTRATED & HURT. Feels as if I am beyond repair. Just when I feel I can handle it and try and heal to move forward, he manages to set us back even further.

    • Jewels September 13, 2012, 12:03 AM

      Royal Wife/May

      Royal Wife,

      It’s good to hear from you, sorry to hear in such circumstances. I think at this point he is telling you who he is through his actions, the question is, can you accept who he really is? It’s extremely hard to accept the truth sometimes, it can hurt to your core, but after you accept the truth, it will free and release some of the pain. Your job is not to change him, your job is not to make him be anything else that what he is showing you. Your job is to observe, and understand how you will react to the information being shown to you. And if you observe the union is at it’s end, then that is ok, do not feel bad about the time you put in and the struggles you went through, it is all part of your journey. hang in there, better days are ahead.

      Royal wife I remember you being pregnant last year, and I saw you write that your son has now passed. I was confused to if that was the son you had last year or were your pregnant again and lost your son? Sorry to ask it was just weighing on my mind, either way, I am so sorry for your loss.

      May,

      Good to hear from you. your comment reminding me of how incredibly frustrating it was to know my ex-husband was not telling me everything, it was literally heartbreaking for me, I took it personally. I am glad the site is helpful to you, the whole point of me creating it was so women would not feel so alone in the journey to affair recovery. Take Care!

  • arlette November 10, 2012, 4:01 PM

    My husband cheated on me with a woman 23-25yrs of age. He is 43 will be 44 this year. We have 3 children one of them is 20 and she is about to turn 21. We have been married for 24 yrs. He had never cheated on me before. And i never saw this coming. He cheated with a girl really who could barely speak english. Her only words i could get out of them about their affair that i could undrstand was “Do you got the medicine?” Which became clear that she targeted him for his medicine. But he didnt believe me and anyone else about the matter. He fell for her game hook line an sinker. She said she was Spain because her english was so broken he couldnt really understand her but he was intrigued that she was interested in him. She blonde streaked her hair and tried to claim things that erased her hispanic heritage, since it turned out she is from Mexico.

  • arlette November 10, 2012, 4:29 PM

    He actually put us in debt behind this. He got fired by.three of his doctors and two lost their liscence. He was getting medicine for his pain that his insurance covered but he had to pay for extra doctors visits and extra perscriptions to give to her. By the time i found out about the affair he had became addicted to the medicine also. He turned into a man i could not recognize. I dont know how long it lasted but i knew of it about three months. She ended it because she said she never wanted to sleep with him because he was black. That she didnt feel for him what he felt for her. By this time of her so call revelation. They were broke out of gas and stranded on the side of the road. She called me to tell me this an she was sending him home because she and he were good people and for me not to hurt him. WTF. He is home , off pain meds went through rehab anger management substance abuse mental health . He has been freeof her and that life for 20months. And i still cant look at him or even be intimate with him without thinking of his affair. I truly dont believe in infedelity. I really want to leave. I asked him for a divorce every month since the affair but i love my husband and i dont know why i feel i have to protect him. My children has suffered we also have 2younger children. There was no need for this affair attention wasnt lacking in our marriage. If anything i paid him to much attention. One would say if that is so why didnt i know about the affair. I knew something was wrong and i confronted him about it several times but he lied to me. Something else he had never done. Now i feel stuck. We always talked about our future and planned for our next life together (just talk). He was always into me. But im tired of crying behind something i cant change.

    • Jewels November 17, 2012, 4:46 PM

      Hi Arlette,

      Powerful story, and what strength you have to stand by your man through all of the drama around the affair. It seems you did what many women do, in your husband’s time of need, you took care of him, nursed him off the med’s and the drama, and now after being in anger rehab and mental abuse help, he is healing. But there is only one problem with this story, where is Arlette’s healing? Where is the therapy and sessions that you went through to heal yourself. You went through a traumatic experience around all of this, and you need healing as well. I feel like you have taking care of everyone else in the family, but yourself. And you deserve and need the most healing out of the family right now, because you depleted all you had helping to get things back on track. It is your time Arlette, and do not feel that you have to do this on your own. What you experienced is mental trauma, and if you can go to therapy to get some help to heal, do it, and do not feel bad for doing it, you deserve it. I had problems being imtimate as well, I just had a hard time having sex knowing about the affair. But if I ended up staying in the marriage, I would of had to focus on my own healing from those mental blocks in order to become intimate again. Your husband does like sex, and I am sure you do as well. Have the conversation with your husband, ask him to take it very slow with you. Maybe one night you just hold each other, and maybe that will make you cry because of the pain, but do it again, just hold, take things one step at a time. Once you get over just holding, take it a step further. Go slow, but take small acts, and it is really important that your husband goes at your pace.

      Additionally, start treating yourself and doing things just because you like it. Explore life, and do activities you enjoy, i know it is hard with the kids, but treating yourself well will help the marriage!!!

      I have faith in you and your marriage, big hug to you!!

  • Lisa January 22, 2013, 11:50 AM

    Speaking of triggers, try this one on for size! After I found out about my H’s EA and found out who the OW was, I realized that I had seen her before and knew it was at some sort of gathering. I searched through photo’s and WOW to my surprise there she sat at the foot of MY 47th birthday table. She came with my brother in-law and my H says he had no clue she was coming. Explains why he sat in his chair the entire night and refused to dance with me. I just celebrated my 48th birthday and it was extremely difficult. It took all I had in me not scream at the top of my lungs “YOU OWE ME A DANCE!”

    • Jewels January 23, 2013, 10:38 PM

      Hi Lisa,

      Happy Belated! He actually does owe you a dance (smile). To find out she was there at last year’s bday for you at your table (breathe) is definitely grounds for a trigger. At the same time, you know what, I am sure the shame of not only attending the wife’s bday bash but also sitting at your table smiling in your face knowing she is the OW is eating at her, it is something she probably has to hold inside and not share because she would be ashamed. So in the end, the guilt will prevail, and you will get your dance. Take care!

  • castrated March 19, 2013, 2:08 PM

    a few years ago my husband was going to school full time & I was the one working the main job.

    I found out that my husband cheated on me. He says he ‘almost’ cheated but I don’t believe him & I don’t know the difference anyway.

    I became so upset I ended up having to have surgery (long story)j and I have tried to ‘forget’ since I forgave but it’s hard. It still hurts and this wasn’t the first time that he ‘almost’ cheated on me.

    I think about it at least once per day. I don’t know how to cope with the fact he did this. I have been a good wife to him & he sat right by me in church knowing that he was doing this.

    No one told me eventhough all his friends knew. I was made a fool of by everyone.

    • Jewels March 20, 2013, 8:52 AM

      Castrated,

      I have come to learn that the way our society is, people do not tell. Family do not tell. His friends will not tell. Many of my ex-husband’s family knew and would smile in my face every month. It does not reflect on you that no one shared, it reflects on them and their morals. I know you felt like the fool, I did as well, but at the end of the day, we can only do what we have info and knowledge of. You didn’t know, it’s ok. They are moral fools. It appears that the incident happened a couple of years ago and that you are still having anger and strong emotions around it (which is common). If you are in a position to get some professional help that would be highly recommended, I think it will help you process the pain, if you do not process the pain, it stays with you. Best of luck to you in your journey of healing.

  • Diane March 20, 2013, 9:53 AM

    My heart goes out all those women who are in pain, I have been there and done…. I also want to advise women who get on dating sites because there are men who will sweet talk you and say all the right things. I had a man on a web site that sounded like my prince charming and how he loved me and my values and that I was one of a kind. He said he was in Italy and had a accent when I started talking to him on the phone. But he did not sound German like he said he was. After 5 weeks of his good looks and talking by email, he asked for money. I told him I did not have money and never heard from him again. Please ladies be very careful with these men who want money.. I never watch Dr Phil and I happen to change channels and he had a show on these men who swoon you then ask for money.. /so please watch out for men overseas and how charming they sound because of Dr Phil I would of thought he was real. By the way he did not get one red penny from ME….I will say he was very good looking and charming but some things did not add up…

  • laura March 27, 2013, 12:08 AM

    im devestated bc after 3 years of marriage my husband had an affair w a so called friend of mine and got ger pregnant…she had a bby girl in december…we are still tofether but she keeps pursuing him and i am still dealing with the pain of the betrayal ..i cry and i dint have no one to talk to about this…

  • laura March 27, 2013, 12:11 AM

    we have two boys of our own… and i am doing everything in me to make us work but the resentment is so big that i dont think we will last for much longer

  • jill June 2, 2013, 8:25 AM

    Me and husband had not been getting on for some time he lacked responsibility never showed affection needed a bom up his ass to do anything wat needed attention nothing was of importance. i had to go in for operation in october he took me to hospital and left 35 minutes later i was gowned up and rang him for the last time before my belongings where locked away told him the time i was to be operated on he said would ring later n he loved me. i was in operating theatre 6 hours a really horrible operation was on heavy intravenus medication on morphine and oxygen, he came in to visit that evening saw me like this and come out to visit a so called friend of the family aparrently to talk they kissed n had intercourse, he visited the next day as if nothing was wrong and went to her again afterwards i was in hospital 12 days first time was home on the tuesday and on the wednessday he went to local club it was out of character i knew immediately sumit was wrong i had to go to my gp surgery on the thursday and had to phone him for to take me we had argument and i said i was going to see solicitor i could not live like this any longer, he said well dont use the one here because ive just been in, the next day i was re admitted to hospital he visited just as normal following my 2nd operation this time only in 4 days. what followed my return home was wat made me check up on him, and there on phone bill 97 texts and 115 calls to this woman. i rang him immediately and his reaction was so its only phone calls the lies and abuse that followed has been horrendus i went to solicitor for some advice and was going to file for divorce. he said it was nothing he loved me and if i left him i would finish him off he even took my medication. i suffer mental health issues from previous abuse in my life and this was opening all the wounds back up. 10 days later i was talking to a friend and she had seen him and her together i confronted him n he lied n lied said i was mad etc. i contacted her family n said i wanted to speak to her regarding there goings on and was told she is young free and single and if she was to see anyone that was up to her. if i had a problem then it was at home and thats why he needed his wick dipping elsewhere. some morals. she came here n basically lied about everything said he was harrasing he on telephone they hadnt met etc. after this day he come clean with me but i wanted him to tell the so called family but he wouldnt. so still protecting her. i dunno who i am or where i wanna be i just not focussing on anything

  • Tired September 2, 2014, 11:40 PM

    My mom died 10 months ago. She had stage four cancer and didn’t have much time left . She came to live with me, husband and two kids. I was her sole care giver. My mom was my best friend and I owed her so much. She died in November 2013. I know that caring for my mom, seeing her die slowly in front of me .. Changed me. My husband’s best friend died of a heart attack at 45 ( my son ‘a godfather) and left his pregnant wife with their first chil behind 2 month later.We both lost our best friends and suffered so much pain and loss. 5 weeks ago the day befor my disc replacement surgery, I found text messages that concluded that my husband of 20 years had betrayed me and slept with some desperate home wrecker. My children 20 and 17 support me through my surgery. I just can ‘to believe with our lives already in such a crazy mess that he would go and add more heart break to our family. Nothing like kicking someone when they are down . I don ‘t even know how to rebuild my life … My sister died 7 years ago .. My mom and now I am losing my husband..

    • Jewels October 4, 2014, 2:24 PM

      Hi Tired,

      I am sorry you are going through so much. I know you wrote me a couple of weeks ago, my hope is that somehow your life is a bit easier. I am curious to know if you and your husband have had a chance to sit down and talk about the affair. I am in no way excusing your husband, but I do know that men are much more susceptible to cheating when they experience major life events, which both of you have had. If his best friend died, he might be going through some thoughts such as ‘I need to live my life you never know’ and that type of mentality is a meat for an affair. You are not alone, I am glad you have your children to help you through the surgery. You are not giving life challenges unless you have the strength to handle them, hang in there, things will get better. Hugs to you.

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