As most of you know, I am in a much better place than I was in 2009, when I found out about the affair. The mental devastation was horrible, I am just glad I made it through to a better mental state. If you’re not there, you will get there.
One of the things that I have done quite frequently is reflect on my life and the affair. Reflecting on the entire situation, his faults, my faults, and trying to understand what I will do differently next time around.
Although there are many things that I would do differently, one thing sticks out for me, and I wanted to share it in hopes of seeing if any other woman experiencing their husband cheating has felt the same way.
During my marriage, I sacrificed a good part of myself. What I mean by that is that I actually listened to my husband. If something made him feel uncomfortable, I tried to make him comfortable. If my kids wanted something, I would try my best to do it. I worked a full time job, cooked, cleaned, and never put my happiness in the picture. I felt that I was too busy to do that. I thought if my husband and kids are happy, then I am happy. Or, I will do something for me when my life gets a little more stable (like that ever happens). I really thought I was doing the right thing catering to my husband’s and family’s needs. The only time I didn’t cater is when I was going through a rough time personally (high stress times). I actually thought catering to my husband (and ignoring my needs) was a form of securing the relationship (boy was I wrong).
So you can imagine how I felt when I found out about his infidelity. You mean to tell me I sacrificed everything, often times my own dreams and happiness and you cheat on me?? It just didn’t add up, it wasn’t supposed to happen like this. I couldn’t believe it – all of that putting my happiness on hold for nothing.
As women, how often do we put ourselves, our dreams, and our priorities in 4th or 5th place, only to find out everyone else it putting their desires as #1?
I learned a really tough lesson, and that is never to sacrifice your wants and desires for a relationship. The best type of partner is one that satisfies her desires, because she will be in the best position to help others after she helps herself first. If you like scuba-diving, make time to do it. If you like running, figure out a way to do it once a week. If you like conferences, go to one. If you like to write, write. You owe it to yourself to consistently make time to do things that makes you happy. If you have kids, they will see you doing this and follow your lead, as kids learn from watching you.
In line to making sure we make time to do things that we like, we also should make some time to reflect on positive outcomes of the affair. Yes, I said it, and for those that just found out, there is no way you can even understand that sentence right now. As I am writing this, realize it is 2 years after finding out about the affair. And when times got really rough for me, one of the only things I had to hold onto was telling myself that I will become wiser and stronger out of this experience. Everyone’s timing is different, but my hope is that we can all get to a place where we have learned something positive through this experience.
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Hi there,
Did you stay with your husband? Did you guys work on it and be succesful? I am 8 months now into finding out my husband of 11 years and 2 babies now 1 and 3.5 is or had an affair… i filed for seperation and im in limbo on what to do as i love him and he loves me so he says, he doesnt want to break up family but i know as they work together they see each other all the time… is it possible? can this work? there are good days, great days, then of course the red flag days and I think what the heck am i doing?
Hello Kelli,
Welcome to the world of affair recovery. The emotional roller-coaster is insane, I personally believe the up and down’s are unlike no other situation – seriously. I also have two small kids and it’s hard to make a decision to leave. Me personally, I decided to leave, we will go through the official divorce in a couple of months, but I moved out and I am on my own. But your situation can be totally different. For me, staying was literally making me sick, and I realized that we were just two different people, and that I could not trust him anymore. The fact that he works with this individual is extremely tough, because him going to work everyday is a trigger for you of the cheating. If you are trying to make it work, I suggest a couple of things. First, let him drive the recovery. If your able to go to counseling, let him set it up. If you cant afford it, let him go to the library or bookstore and get a book to help you through this, reading it together. His responses will give you an indicator as if he is really serious. I honestly think it can work, but it takes a TON of hard work, effort, self-reflecting and open relationship (sharing fb accounts, phone, email accounts). It’s the only way to rebuild trust. It’s not an easy process, it could take 1-2 years of effort before you feel comfortable again. If both of you are seriously committed then I believe your marriage can recovery. It’s especially hard with two young kids, they literally want all of your attention, and by the time they are in bed, your exhausted. The second thing is make sure your husband gives you a break with the kids. Every affair recovery is two fold – the recovery of the marriage and your personal recovery from the experience, you need some ‘you’ time in order to think. I hope this was helpful, I wish you the best in your decision, whatever you decide will be the right decision for you and your family.
Hello,
I am also almost 2 years after my husband cheated on me. My husband cheated on me on our 8 year anniversary with one of his (much younger) employees while I waited for him to come home. He had been treating me terribly for months while he was having his affair… I chose not to see any of it and to be honest him cheating was the last thing on my mind, not my husband… NEVER.
I also sacrificed who I was for him and our child. I lived for my family and trusted him to do the right thing for both of us. The woman who he cheated on me with was young and very pretty. I was overweight and never put myself first. I was devastated. I had a complete breakdown…He made it clear he no longer wanted to be with me and even said he never really wanted me, he said horrible things to me which he now claims was because of his feelings towards himself and his actions.
I had to take a good long look at myself. I had to find myself again. I started to put myself first and love myself. I lost 80lbs and I did it stickly for me and my health. Above all I came to love me… for the first time ever.
In the end, after much counselling my husband and I worked things out. I would like to say he is everything I have ever wanted him to be… but I still hold onto what he did. He traded in our lives together and our son’s life as he knew it, not to mention his job for a qiuck fleeting affair with a woman who had already broke up 2 marriages before ours (yes he knew all of this when he did it). I still hurt. I no longer think about it everyday… and that is a big step.
In closing… I now know I can live without him. I now know I dont need to give all I am to him. Above all.. I know I can make it. It is possible to get over an affair. Its not easy… esspecially when you stay. You cant be any good to your children if you are not good to yourself.
Wow! Thanks Stefanie. This is strange because I just finished writing my new post literally minutes ago around this topic (before I read your comment)!!! It’s so refreshing to hear a positive success story about a woman who saved her marriage and found out how to put herself first. I especially love the part where you say you can live without him. He is no longer the entire universe for you, he’s a part of it, which is how it should be. Thanks for the inspiring story, I will sleep good tonight. I will also put your story as the first comment on my new blog post, your story is much better than what I wrote http://www.acheatinghusband.com/after-the-affair-you-time/ !! Thanks again!!
Im 2 weeks out from finding out that my husband slept with his ex wife, we have no kids, but they do have 2 children, I have never been so hurt in all my life, this man promised to love me for all time, swore on his badge he could never cheat on me,convinced me I was his soul mate, I have never cried so much in my life, Im still in the confusion part of all this, I go back and forth on should i file for divorce or try to get help and save our baby marriage of only 7 months. The one thing that keeps me questioning this, is that he will forever have to see her and deal with her, Im not sure I am willing to always wonder if he will cheat again. I am in love with him. I would not wish this pain on anyone
Hello Mindi,
Welcome to our site, sorry it had to be on these terms. On some of the other posts, I talk about triggers, events that remind you of the affair. Unfortunately, you have a huge one in the x-wife, in that they have to interact because of the kids. So every time they interact, at this time, you probably have a huge pit in your stomach. Just talking is not going to fix that, you both should go to professional therapy if you want to take a real shot at making this work. Good that you talked to a divorce lawyer, but I personally feel too soon to make a decision, you’re still in the ‘devastation’ stage that I talk about in my free ebook, your mind still needs time to sift through some emotions. I hope things work out for you, and you will have support in whatever you decide to do. Take Care.
Hello,
Just one week ago today I learned my husband had a one night stand with a total stranger wihile intoxicated. We’ve been together for 12 years and married for 10 this October 26th. Immediate remorse came from him and he is still grieving from what he did. We have already started Marriage counseling within the first week, which I know is very healthy. I never asked him to leave, although after some severe emotions the first day/night from me he very calmly and respectfully asked me if I wanted him to leave.
We have an 18 year old from a relationship I had before I met my husband, we actually did not start dating until she was almost 7 years old. We had a son 7 1/2 years ago that only lived to be 5 1/2 months. Our marriage did suffer greatly due to his death, however we did beat the odds. We now have a 5 year old son and a 3 year old daughter as well.
My take on the situation is as any other. He touched another woman and she touched him. This in itself puts that pit in my stomach and makes it hard to take care of our kids everyday and put a smile on my face. I am a very strong woman. I have made it through the death of our son and our marriage survived that so my immediate thought was we can probably survive this as well. Don’t get me wrong, I was angry, threw things, cried hysterically and still do cry. My biggest challenge is having the question “why” answered. I’ve read and have been told by my husband, therapist and many other articles I’ve read, that I may never know AND that my husband may never have the answer either.
Unlike the other comments I’ve read here, obviously my situation is different. I love my husband very much and he loves me. We have actually have become very close quickly after the inital 48 hrs. I don’t know why, but there was something inside me that felt I needed to be very close to him and he told me after we were intimate that “he doesn’t deserve me”.
My husband hasn’t cried since our son died, that is until recently. I believe he truly is sorry and doesn’t understand why he did such a terrible thing and hurt me because the thought had never crossed his mind in 12 years.
I know we will work things out, but it will be a tough road. We are also dealing with his alcoholism which we both believe played a small role in his infidelity. He does not blame it on the alchohol but knows if he hadn’t been drinking, it would not have happened.
In closing, I hope my story helps others and I would love some feedback.
Julie
Hello Julie,
I read hundreds of stories and you are right, yours is different not only in your husbands actions after the affair, but also in that is was a one-night affair. I do believe that your marriage is going to survive. I can’t even imagine the pain of losing a child, but I have heard how extremely difficult it is for a marriage to survive, so I was happy to read that your marriage survived that difficult period.
When you get a moment, I want you to look at some posts from a user named LisaP on a post title Husband Cheated while pregnant – 4 things men must know. Her husband cheated, also dealt with him and alcoholism, and her marriage survived. I think her story is posted within the comments, she has helped many women on the site, and I think it would help reading her story.
To Julie, My husband is too a Alcoholic and is in AA. His affairs where all on line and one almost physical affair. His drinking is a form of escape from feelings he doen’t want to deal with. He needs to get in AA if he is not already. My husband is in two separte groups and they have really help him. (he can open up in these meeting without being judged!) Your husbands guilty is what brought you together and you wanting to forgive him is the mothering side of you. I did the samething the first 48hrs after learning about his planned meeting of is online GF on our family vacation. You just want to feel that you can help him through all of this. Your husband needs to cry and let out his emotions for your son and what he has done to you. I stayed with my husband but is was realy difficult to do. In a 7 month time period I kicked him out twice and then he came crawling back to me. You will have days you will hate him and days you are glad he is still there. Sometimes when there is one addiciton there is more like sex so keep and eye out. My husband also had a sex addiction, (porn, sex accounts-websites you name it). Even when we just had sex he would go to a porn site or whatever he could find. You can survive this if you decide too. He needs to put in the effort also to make this marriage work. Most mean do not want to show their weak side and try to be macho and show no tears, or even share their feelings.
The question you ask is WHY? Because he was able to escape reality that’s why! The pressures of LIFE! That was my husband reason, and it made all the sense at that time. Not an excuse but a reason. You are still strong and can make it through anything and have done so. Hang in there and the best to you.
Jewels you are so right about that. I was the type of woman who put everyone first. I was always looking out for what my husband, children, parents needed. If I needed something I thought well the girls need this more, etc. I never looked and considered what I needed. I guess that’s why my husbands betrayal was like a huge knife in my back. I wanted to scream at him How could you when I was nothing but kind,loving to you. I did eventually tell him that and more, but I could not understand him and his choice. How he could carry on his affair of an on for a year and a half and look me in the face, and act fine I could not understand. I had a feeling something was not right. I asked him if he was cheating on me and the trusting wife that I was I believed him when he denied it. At least I know that I can trust my instincts and it was a huge relief although as painful as it was to know that I was not going crazy when I felt something was not right in our relationship,
Hello,
Right now is a very painful experience to me,my husband is living with his mistress for about 6 months now.I know I have to be strong for my kids,many times I want to give up but everytime Im on the verge of giving up,I askes myself”Is this I reaLLy want?”.My husband had an affair to a girl which has kids too.Before my husband she had an affair to his sister’s husbAnd, I dont mean to belittle her but Im just stating a fact.For the few months of the affair, he shut down to all of us including his family.It was tragic and devastating for me.We have two kids,9 years in marriage and my husband is a quiet very loving father to his son.Never did I imagined he will commit this one.But right now,he starting showing up but I dont think he is fully ready.I love him so much as well I dont want my family to be ruined because of this tragedy.Many people said I just need to give it a time and I know there will be a time for realization for everyone.Im striving so hard to put back my self esteem that had been affected.I dont demand anything from him.I work for my kids right now because I believe that you need to show him that Im capable and its also for myself.
I know in my heart that we can survive this its a matter of time and right perspective.Right now he is not angry with me anymore,we can talk better and things are better compared before.I know that their realizationship will fade and fizzle because they have no enough foundation.With the guidance of the Lord and on his own time, things will be better and I hope this will strenghten our marriage more.