The Wedding Ring Has Come Off – My Current Status

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The Wedding Ring Has Come Off – My Current Status post image

Photo courtesy of Aleksandar Cocek https://www.flickr.com/photos/tamburix/

I think the moment when you actually take your wedding ring off following an affair is a really powerful one. I actually took my ring off in anger weeks ago, but decided not to put it back on as a sign of strength. I think many times we women keep that ring on because it feels so safe. We don’t have to explain our situation to anyone, we don’t have to answer questions, and, it just feels right.

I actually took my ring off to show that I can be confident and proud with or without wearing it. In fact, I also think it helped the situation with my husband after I found out he cheated. I almost think that he was using the fact that I still wore my ring as a sign that everything was okay between us. Now, mind you, ladies, I have not been able to get him to open up, he is still pretty insensitive, almost acts as if he doesn’t care. So I did this as a way to show him that I don’t need a ring to feel safe. I am proud, sexy, and beautiful with or without it. A ring or marriage does not define me as a person.

Of course I am at a point in my recovery where I am very confident in my decisions, and I have a game plan for moving forward (though I still struggle, don’t get me wrong). I chose to take the wedding ring off because I was using it as a symbol of my ability to be a great wife. I don’t need that anymore; I know I am a great person, wife, and mother with or without it. I hope you can all feel the same way as well.

  • MS July 30, 2010, 3:15 PM

    I took my ring off the evening I found out….I didn’t put it back on for a week (I took a week off of work because of how devastated I felt). My husband is sometimes too sensitive and he, too, is slightly controlling. (He has always been very insistent that I wear my ring!) But he DID notice that I wasn’t wearing it. He asked me why. I said I wouldn’t put it back on until I was married to a trustworthy husband……it hurt his feelings! I put it back on when I returned to work because I didn’t want to answer any questions.

  • Jewels July 30, 2010, 4:06 PM

    I wore my ring for months before taking it off, and I remember my husband’s face when I took it off, that was a pivotal moment for him that really made him think about what he did. That was actually a very good response for your husband as to why you weren’t wearing it, I wish I was that clever :). I did the on and off thing for a while, the last thing I wanted was someone at work to question why I didn’t have it on. After I took it off for good (over a year later), expecting that I would get all kinds of questions at work, and the thing is, no one really questioned me (people are probably scared to ask…). Take Care.

  • Belleville Broken Hearted August 3, 2010, 12:52 PM

    I took my ring off last Friday. I confirmed my husband was having an affair with a co-worker. His face said it all…and it didnt matter. Sunday he asked would I put my ring on? I told him ..NO, but like #2 Jewels…I didn’t have a good response to why other than I dont want to…so I will borrow you line because it fits the truth.

  • Jewels August 3, 2010, 10:35 PM

    Thanks for your comment. I love MS’s response as to why she is not wearing her ring, I wish all women going through this had that line in their toolbox…lol…best of luck with your situation……

  • shattered January 6, 2011, 2:03 PM

    I just found out a few days ago that my husband has forsaken our vows and cheated on our relationship. And I too did the same thing. The next day I removed my wedding ring. The ring had NEVER been off my hand from the day we married almost 8 years ago. At the time I wasn’t really sure why I removed it, other than that the ring used to symbolize something to me. I believed in marriage and the vows I made. To find out he broke the vows took the meaning away from the ring and all that I thought it has stood for. I wish I could say I was confident and can live with or without him…I guess it’s still too early for me to say that right now. But I hope to gain confidence and strength, whatever the outcome may be.

    • Jewels January 6, 2011, 10:00 PM

      Hello Mrs Shattered :),

      I am sorry to hear about your situation. I have had my ring off for the longest and it’s funny how no one at work has asked me about why I don’t have my ring on, I guess it’s just a taboo thing. It is so disappointing to hear about your husband cheating, it impacts you on so many levels. The next few months are going to be filled up ups and downs, but i know you have the courage to work through it and do the right thing for you and your family. Best of luck, and if you have any questions or just want to vent, I am here.

  • Heather January 12, 2011, 8:51 AM

    I like MS’s response to why she wasn’t wearing the ring too! I took my ring off the night I found out, which was the same night that I kicked him out (the night before Christmas eve)….what a nice Christmas present. I have been in the anger stage ever since. He just came last night, and continued to try and lie, but when I told him that I have evidence of what he was doing (phone bill, day care bill, etc) he finally admitted to it. He wants to work things out, but I am scared that I will never trust him again. He wants to go to counseling, and I am going to make him make all of the arrangements. What do you think? Thanks for any comments!

    • Jewels January 12, 2011, 9:59 PM

      Hello Heather,
      Rebuilding trust is the hardest part of recovery in a marriage, it’s extremely difficult and takes a husband who is willing to be totally transparent after the affair. When I say transparent, I mean a husband who really is wanting to work things out should understand how trust is shattered and should have no problem being totally open with information (email accounts, phone). My husband refused to give me open access and later I found out it was because he was still cheating. I think trust can be rebuilt, but it takes a huge amount of effort, time, and counseling on both parties. Keep in touch – and yes make him make all the arrangements!!

  • Heather January 13, 2011, 8:30 AM

    Hello again,

    Just want you to know, my ring is still off, and I’m going to use MS’s response if my husband asks me why I’m not wearing it. You’re so right when you say that rebuilding trust is going to be extremely hard. He says that he understands that, and is willing to be “transparent”. We shall see. I am looking forward to going to counseling because when we talked yesterday, I kept wanting to know why he did this, and I probably shouldn’t be focusing so much on that. I kept trying to remember what you said in these posts about not giving the affair to much focus, but instead focus on moving forward. As I told him, “I can forgive, but I CANNOT ever forget”!
    Thanks again for this site, it has really helped me through this tough time, even though I just found it a few days ago!
    Have a great day!

    • Jewels January 13, 2011, 7:14 PM

      Hello Heather,
      So cool that he is willing to be transparent, that’s a good first step. Having your husband cheat on you is so complicated, I created the site so that women wouldn’t feel so alone. It’s hard to find other women in the situation since it’s one of those topics that many people don’t talk about. So glad it has helped you in your situation. Take Care!

  • Carolyn September 30, 2011, 12:08 PM

    My husband came to me and told me he had cheated on me. That’s scarry to me because I never caught him.
    I asked him why and he said it was just a stupid mistake on his part. I asked him why he would choose someone who was totally ugly and had more fat on her then me. He told me because she had the parts and she built him up and put him on a pedistal saying she was the best she had ever had. Of course he was the best she ever had I trained him for 22 years.
    I of course I know her he worked with her and when she started telling everyone at his work she had had sex with him, he was asked about it and actually made fun of by his co-workers. This makes me feel like why why why when I was right here for him. My ring is off as well but for some reason I’m still here.

    • Jewels October 4, 2011, 12:00 AM

      Hello Carolyn,

      It actually appears your husband might actually have a conscious and might of told because it was eating him up inside, which is great news if it is true. That might be why you are still there, maybe you sense that he is really trying to work things out. It also appears he embarrassed himself big time and was scarred of losing you by finding out by someone else. If you are still there I guess the thing to evaluate is if he sincerely made a mistake and is willing to put in some hard work to try to rebuild trust. Unfortunately some men say they want to work it out, but still lie and cheat, it’s a shame. If this is not your guy, you might have a shot. Best of luck!

  • jeannie December 14, 2011, 11:56 AM

    I took my ring off yesterday. It’s been a month since my husband confessed to two affairs that happened 9 and 11 years ago. He confessed because he had recently sent a text to another woman, that was sexually flirtatious, and sent it to my 21 year old daughter by mistake. My daughter said if he didn’t tell me, she would, and he decided to come clean about everything. Even if, as he says, the latest flirtation had not progressed beyond texting, it is cheating. All three of these women are married. I have been married 26 years but I removed my ring because I feel as if the vows meant little to him. Looking at it made me think it had all been a lie. I have made no decisions regarding my future, my husband began counselling recently, and it is early days. He wants me to stay and says he wants to learn how to treat me like he should have always been treating me. It has been a difficult marriage at the best of times. If I stay, I have thought I would use the gold to have a different wedding band made but of course, at this point, I feel it would still be an empty promise on his part, even with a new band. My diamond ring is off too and that hurts too because he bought it for me at 13 years of marriage and he cheated after that. I feel I would never be able to wear either ring again in their present form.

    • Jewels December 14, 2011, 10:54 PM

      Hello Jeannie,

      I first want to say hats off to your daughter, what a difficult situation to be in as a daughter, very difficult. And she handled it in such a courageous and respectful way, I am just really impressed with that, please let her know that, you must of raised her well. I know what you mean about the ring. I felt as if me having the ring on meant everything was ok, and it wasn’t that way, I felt I was covering up for him or something. So it was quite liberating for me not to wear it. After only a month it’s still fresh and no need to be in a rush to make any major decisions, take it slow, and watch his actions, they will let you know what to do. Take Care.

  • LisaP December 14, 2011, 1:34 PM

    @jeannie, I too took off my ring when I found out about my husband cheating. It stayed off the first time 3 months and the second 3 months and the last 1 month. It hurt him more to see it off that it did me. I felt I little freedom from his lies when I wasn’t wearing it. My husband didn’t have physical affairs but emotional! We didn’t talk for months unless we had too. I went to counseling but he never did because he still thought if he didn’t touch them he didn’t cheat. We even went through the steps of talking to a divorce mediator. Men just don’t get how much they are hurting their wifes and family until its too late. Regarding your ring hold off on doing anything. Things change as the days go bye. One day you want to divorce him the other you don’t. Or maybe your do.

  • jeannie December 15, 2011, 11:25 AM

    Ring off, ring on. Made me feel worse with it off. After 26 years it has also left a big indentation. Made me feel like I had a brand like a cow. lol Thanks Jewels for your encouragement and yes my daughter is amazing. My husband is on his best behaviour and can’t do enough for me but I am very cynical about that. Time will tell.

  • LisaP December 15, 2011, 12:09 PM

    Jeannie I too had the 25yr ring indentation. I just replace that ring with a cocktail ring for the time being. Just to show my husband that if he didn’t take our marriage seriously then I don’t have to any more either. I left my wedding ring on a ring holder right next to my bathroom sink so he would see I wasn’t wearing it! That hurt him more than me not talking to him, as well as giving him the evil eye from time to time. We he came crawling back for forgiveness and wanted to work things out I still didn’t put it back on until I felt a part of me could trust him (just a little part).

  • gina February 18, 2012, 8:54 PM

    Ladies thank you, I happened upon this site after hearing from a student that is in the same class as my husband that last night was the first time that she had seen him with a ring on in 2 yrs. The female student has a boyfriend with her when she made the comment and I was just out of site.

    I have been hurt by many emotional affairs and at least one that based on what I have read may have been physical. I feel that this has jsut been a slap in the face since I was the one when he was laid off to go back to school and the disrespect I have had in those two years cuts like a knife. I want to leave but without his little income as I am disabled and still fighting for ssi I would loose my home and that isn’t worth leaving.

    I think I am ready to remove my ring until as MS said he can be trustworthy. The ring means nothing to him based on his removing of his ring.

    • Jewels February 19, 2012, 12:26 AM

      Gina,

      It does cut life a knife when you find out the level of trust and disrespect within the marriage. I think removing the ring will be a big deal and hopefully it will open his eyes to how much pain this has caused you. And hopefully he will also know how it feels to have his wife walk around without a ring, like he has been doing.

  • ElDopig August 9, 2012, 11:05 PM

    My wife took off her rings due to my drinking. I’ve never been unfaithful except for alcohol, which hurts (I guess) just as much. Try telling your girl, “I’m not doing anything to you,” and see how far that gets you. Fooollll………

    • Jewels August 11, 2012, 8:50 PM

      ElDoping,

      Interesting note, I never really thought of alcohol as a form of cheating, but now that you write it that way, I can see how alcohol could lead to pain. I have have never been with someone that has a alcohol issue, so I will not attempt to understand what your wife is going through. I do not think you are a fool for telling her how you feel, if she took the ring off, it had been something she has been thinking about for a while, prior to your comment. She may want to work things out, but wants to know that you are serious in cleaning up, and that is something that only you can answer. Take care….

  • Mike S November 8, 2013, 9:28 AM

    I found out my wife was cheating on me during a business trip with her boss. She has since that time lost her job due to it and I cannot ever phantom wearing my wedding ring again. I really do not even know how to tell her that I do not think she has the right to wear hers… she wore it while she was cheating on me and it meant nothing to her and I don’t think she has the right to wear it anymore. How do you go about saying that. We are seeing a marriage counselor right now and I have not brought that up because we have so many other issues with the cheating right now that this seems miniscule…. I feel as if even if we work things out.. I want this marriage to be over and if we work it out…get re-married with new rings, etc. Does that sound crazy?

    • Jewels November 13, 2013, 6:28 AM

      Hi Mike,

      I do not think you are crazy at all. The ring is suppose to be representative of commitment, faith, loyalty. If she had that ring on while sleeping with another man, that ring now is a reminder of broken trust and betrayal. The ring is a trigger for you, every time you see her with it on it might remind you of the affair. Although you can’t make her take it off, you can let her know what that ring now represents for you and how it’s a reminder of the affair. And you can also let her know if you work things out, the rings will have to be changed. She cheated, so really if she wants to stay married and YOU decide to stay with her, she has to be willing and open to listening. And not matter how minuscule you perceive the issue to be, if it is an issue for you, it is an issue. Take care!

  • Heidi November 13, 2013, 7:15 AM

    My husband and I dated for 10 years before we got married. High school sweet hearts. Never once breaking up during that time. We’ve been married 21 years. I am 46, I have been with my husband and only my husband. I can not imagine being intimate with anyone else. I just found out my husband has been having an affair with his best friend and college roommate’s wife. For 12 years!! We vacationed together, spent holidays together, never missed any of the 6 kids birthdays, we raised our family’s together as if we were family. I took off my ring, put it in the original box and tucked it away. My husband doesn’t understand how I can’t remember the good times when I look at my ring. Truth is we never really had bad times. Half of my marriage was nothing but a lie. The ring was a symbol of the promises he made to me on our wedding day in front of God, our families and friends. I can not wear the ring that was once a symbol of his love and fidelity, it is now a reminder and a symbol of betrayal and infidelity.

  • heart broken October 1, 2014, 1:11 AM

    I found out yesterday that my husband cheated on me. I called d lady she was so nice and told me how sorry she is that i should forgive her. I am presensently passing through a miscarriage and my husbans was busy calling the girl same yesterday we got the news of my miscarriage. I read a message from the girl a night before calling my husband baby. The told me everything i needed to know and promised not to ever communicate with him any more. I confronted my husband he insulted me seriously like claiming right even with my prove and he told me to stay clear from his phone. He even hit me and asked me to call the police on him then left the house came back with ring off his finger. I actually saw all their test messages and call and she called him babe.

    • Jewels October 4, 2014, 1:15 AM

      Hi heart broken,

      I hope you are ok, dealing with a miscarriage and a cheating and abusive husband is alot to bear. What concerns me most about your message is that your husband hit you. No women deserves to be hit by her husband, you did not do anything wrong by finding out your husband is cheating. This situation seems very delicate and I want you to be careful and make sure you take care of you. I know it probably really hurt that she called him babe, but I want you to know the name calling ect., it all part of the cheating game. Don’t think too much into it. Take care of yourself.

  • Jay May 29, 2015, 1:00 AM

    First off, I know this is a cheating husband blog but I haven’t found much info about wearing rings after an affair and looking for advice. my wife and I are 32 and have dated since we were 16 and have been married nearly six years now. Last summer, one year ago, she had an emotional affair with a former co-worker, sexts, dirty talk, 3 hr + phone conversations, and talk of exotic rendezvous in other countries. Long story short, I was suspect of her actions; caught her in the act and we have been in marriage counciling ever since. At first I stopped wearing my ring and would wear it on and off. Recently I started going back to the gym (for me) and stopped wearing as I was working out and forgot to put it on after I was done. After weeks of not wearing my ring, I actually have great disdain for the ring and the fact that she broke of our marriage vows. I am choosing to not wear my ring because it now, for me, is a symbol of lies, deception, and false promises. I am moving forward with my wife but I am so hurt that I actually at the point now where I want to sell it.

    • Jewels June 3, 2015, 7:03 AM

      Hi Jay,

      Welcome, men can post as well! As far as the ring is concerned, it’s a trigger for you, which is a reminder of the affair, every time you look at it the anger from the affair comes to the forefront. Have you talked to your wife about it? As a wife, she might agree and want you to get rid of it or change it to something else. If it causes that much conflict, sell it (after talking to your wife) and trade it in for something else, it’s not worth the pain, but that is just my humble opinion. I hope you and your wife work through these issues, affair recovery is not easy.

  • Janeen September 6, 2015, 1:10 AM

    My husband had an affair December 2014-January 2015. I took my ring off when I moved out (after I took our children with me to my parents’ house to live). When I knew I would see him I would put it back on beforehand. He asked me to move back in February 2015, so I did–ring intact. But I have taken it off over the last few weeks, and told him it was because I lost weight (100 lbs, in fact–I was finally diagnosed with depression after the affair: instead of asking me what was wrong and why I was so tired all the time he had an affair). I actually do think he’s trustworthy, but I still do not want to wear the ring…I think because the symbolism behind it is gone. It means absolutely nothing to me.

    I want to thank you for this blog. It has been so helpful to know that I am not alone, and to read suggestions from someone who truly understands. You are an amazing woman!

    • Jewels September 6, 2015, 9:59 AM

      Hi Janeen, thank you for your kind words. I applaud you for seeking help and being diagnosed with depression, many women suffer without seeking help. I remember being very stressed out before the affair and needing my husbands support but he was just not focused, then I found out he was cheating, it was so devastating. I remember that same feeling about the ring, it represents a bond and when that was broken it feels weird just putting it on. It’s like I felt like he needed to earn the right for me to wear it. And since you lost weight, I’m sure he is probably a bit insecure about your new look as well with the weight loss. I wish you the best in your recovery journey.

  • Jackie December 27, 2015, 11:49 PM

    Hi!
    So grateful for all the posts I have read about such a difficult situation. I am in the midst of trying to figure out what to do next with my husband. He was caught in a relationship with someone he knew in high school. It’s such a long story but the point is he has been lying to me about what he’s been doing for years. I was naive. Finally I decided to stop being the victim! I took my wedding band and diamond off and put it away. In my mind I have finally taken control of myself and am standing strong on my own. No matter what happens in the future, I don’t think I could ever put those rings back on. It feels too vulnerable.

  • Janeen March 12, 2016, 9:34 AM

    Hi Jewels,
    He has been very insecure about the weight loss. I get checked out a lot and have been asked out quite a few times since I started treating myself better. I feel better about myself physically because I am working out and studying for the GRE in order to go back to grad school and thereby make sure I can keep my house regardless of his future actions. I also feel better about myself because I am on the right medication for depression and anxiety (which he contributed to because of his incessant cruelty toward me). He is supportive, but I do not plan to put my ring on again. In fact, I am thinking about asking him for a divorce, but not to separate. I do not think I want to be married anymore because he broke the vow, but that doesn’t mean I won’t live with him and raise our children together. I understand why he did this (he is an addict who–only now after realizing how his addictive behavior helped him have an affair–goes to group meetings), but forgiving does not mean I need to intertwine myself so closely. I have choices, and I want to make them out of strength, not habit or financial insecurity. I even went on NPR & discussed how my depression lead to his infidelity when they reviewed last month. I am not going to keep his shameful secret. How he treated me is a reflection of him, not me.
    Jackie,
    It has been half a year since I first posted. At first I felt like I was breathing in broken glass every day, but therapy has helped me to concentrate on myself and become healthier. I suggest to every woman to seek help for herself. We are worth it; please take good care of yourself and remember you are a good person going through a hard time. “This too shall pass.”
    Hugs!

    • Jewels January 9, 2017, 9:32 PM

      Janeen/Jackie if you are still on this thread share an update!

  • Alli January 4, 2017, 4:57 PM

    I found out 9 months ago that my husband cheated, a one night stand. I was 38 weeks pregnant with our third child. The girl had her friend message me 3 days after being with my husband with text messages as proof. My world was shattered. I felt an instant disconnection with the baby and took my rings off. 2 months later, I found out he cheated 2 months before conceiving, and that he had been with 2 other women as well during my pregnancy. So 4 affairs. 3 one night stands and 1 for over 6 months with a woman he didn’t even like and thought was ugly. I have been harrassed by all the women except for 1. I have not been able to wear my rings since. My ring was his symbol of love and vows. I cherished my ring and loved everything about it. I look at it now, and see the lies and disloyalty. I see broken vows. We are still together trying. Things are hard. My husband swears it’s the worst mistake he has ever made and wants a future with me and our children. I don’t know what the future holds, or if I will be able to wear my ring again. There are so many levels of betrayal. I have hope but it does dwindle.

    • Jewels January 9, 2017, 9:30 PM

      Hi Alli,

      My heart goes out to you, 4 affairs and a new child. I remember being pregnant and finding out, it was so hard. I had to force myself to eat, I was just in a daze and it was suppose to be such a happy time – so I understand. You will have to do what is best for you. It was too much for me to deal with stay/leave decision with a newborn and toddler, I needed to process, it look me a while to leave but I did and never looked back. You have options, always remember that and if it is truly the worst mistake he has made, then he needs to show it through his actions, not his words. I hope everything works out in your best interest.

  • Janeen January 14, 2017, 9:44 PM

    It has been two years since my addict husband emotionally cheated with, made out with, and asked me for a divorce for his colleague. I am still his partner, as I strongly believe in our own financial prosperity and the future of our children, but I have asked him for a legal divorce to no avail. I also flushed my ring down the toilet after he annoyed me about putting it on. I will NEVER wear his ring again. I refuse to celebrate our anniversary & ignored him when he tried to do so the first year after he cheated. What a joke. I am on an anti-depressant and just stopped taking my anxiety medication. When I am on the latter I feel like a zombie, but when I am off it I have nightmares reliving what he did. He’s gone to his group therapy for addicts, which I am glad b/c it has improved the family dynamic for the children and I. I quit couples therapy b/c it seems useless–his ability to communicate is crap. On a super positive note, I am in my first year of a doctoral program. No matter what I choose to do, in two and a half years I will be able to provide for myself and my children. It is a struggle to continue to work with him and his issues, but I strongly believe in the end my children and I will have a better life for it. I will be free to choose in two and a half years. Liberating!!

    • Jewels January 22, 2017, 10:59 PM

      Hi Janeen,

      Thanks for the update!! It’s so refreshing to read, you are still with your husband but you have a master plan which appears to be uplifting and empowering. And happy to hear that you and doing something for YOU in starting a doctoral program – I think you will learn much more than just the content. It seems like you are making progress one step at a time, which is a big accomplishment within itself – I wish you the best in your journey.

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