I think the moment when you actually take the ring off in a marriage is really a strong statement. I actually took my ring off in anger (weeks ago), but decided not to put it back on as a sign of strength. I think many times as women we hold on to that ring and keep it on because it is so safe and secure. We don’t have to explain, we don’t have to answer questions, and it just feels right.
I actually took my ring off to show that I can be confident and proud with or without the ring. I almost think that my husband was using the fact that I wore my ring as a sign that everything is ok. Now mind you ladies, I have a husband that is pretty insensitive and slightly on the controlling side. So I did this as a way to show him that I don’t need a ring to feel safe. I am proud, sexy, and beautiful with or without it. A ring or marriage does not define me as a person. And we all have a choice, just like I chose not to cheat, I chose to wear the ring out of respect of our marriage, and I am choosing not to wear it.
I am in no way, shape or form advising you to do the same. You have to realize I am at a point in my recovery where I am very confident (don’t get me wrong, I still struggle) in my decisions and I have a game plan moving forward. I chose to take the ring off because I was using it as a crutch and as a symbol of my confidence and ability to be a great wife. I don’t need that anymore; I know I am a great person, wife, and mother with or without it. I hope you feel the same way as well. Good night ladies!!
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{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
I took my ring off the evening I found out….I didn’t put it back on for a week (I took a week off of work because of how devastated I felt). My husband is sometimes too sensitive and he, too, is slightly controlling. (He has always been very insistent that I wear my ring!) But he DID notice that I wasn’t wearing it. He asked me why. I said I wouldn’t put it back on until I was married to a trustworthy husband……it hurt his feelings! I put it back on when I returned to work because I didn’t want to answer any questions.
I wore my ring for months before taking it off, and I remember my husband’s face when I took it off, that was a pivotal moment for him that really made him think about what he did. That was actually a very good response for your husband as to why you weren’t wearing it, I wish I was that clever
. I did the on and off thing for a while, the last thing I wanted was someone at work to question why I didn’t have it on. After I took it off for good (over a year later), expecting that I would get all kinds of questions at work, and the thing is, no one really questioned me (people are probably scared to ask…). Take Care.
I took my ring off last Friday. I confirmed my husband was having an affair with a co-worker. His face said it all…and it didnt matter. Sunday he asked would I put my ring on? I told him ..NO, but like #2 Jewels…I didn’t have a good response to why other than I dont want to…so I will borrow you line because it fits the truth.
Thanks for your comment. I love MS’s response as to why she is not wearing her ring, I wish all women going through this had that line in their toolbox…lol…best of luck with your situation……
I just found out a few days ago that my husband has forsaken our vows and cheated on our relationship. And I too did the same thing. The next day I removed my wedding ring. The ring had NEVER been off my hand from the day we married almost 8 years ago. At the time I wasn’t really sure why I removed it, other than that the ring used to symbolize something to me. I believed in marriage and the vows I made. To find out he broke the vows took the meaning away from the ring and all that I thought it has stood for. I wish I could say I was confident and can live with or without him…I guess it’s still too early for me to say that right now. But I hope to gain confidence and strength, whatever the outcome may be.
Hello Mrs Shattered
,
I am sorry to hear about your situation. I have had my ring off for the longest and it’s funny how no one at work has asked me about why I don’t have my ring on, I guess it’s just a taboo thing. It is so disappointing to hear about your husband cheating, it impacts you on so many levels. The next few months are going to be filled up ups and downs, but i know you have the courage to work through it and do the right thing for you and your family. Best of luck, and if you have any questions or just want to vent, I am here.
I like MS’s response to why she wasn’t wearing the ring too! I took my ring off the night I found out, which was the same night that I kicked him out (the night before Christmas eve)….what a nice Christmas present. I have been in the anger stage ever since. He just came last night, and continued to try and lie, but when I told him that I have evidence of what he was doing (phone bill, day care bill, etc) he finally admitted to it. He wants to work things out, but I am scared that I will never trust him again. He wants to go to counseling, and I am going to make him make all of the arrangements. What do you think? Thanks for any comments!
Hello Heather,
Rebuilding trust is the hardest part of recovery in a marriage, it’s extremely difficult and takes a husband who is willing to be totally transparent after the affair. When I say transparent, I mean a husband who really is wanting to work things out should understand how trust is shattered and should have no problem being totally open with information (email accounts, phone). My husband refused to give me open access and later I found out it was because he was still cheating. I think trust can be rebuilt, but it takes a huge amount of effort, time, and counseling on both parties. Keep in touch – and yes make him make all the arrangements!!
Hello again,
Just want you to know, my ring is still off, and I’m going to use MS’s response if my husband asks me why I’m not wearing it. You’re so right when you say that rebuilding trust is going to be extremely hard. He says that he understands that, and is willing to be “transparent”. We shall see. I am looking forward to going to counseling because when we talked yesterday, I kept wanting to know why he did this, and I probably shouldn’t be focusing so much on that. I kept trying to remember what you said in these posts about not giving the affair to much focus, but instead focus on moving forward. As I told him, “I can forgive, but I CANNOT ever forget”!
Thanks again for this site, it has really helped me through this tough time, even though I just found it a few days ago!
Have a great day!
Hello Heather,
So cool that he is willing to be transparent, that’s a good first step. Having your husband cheat on you is so complicated, I created the site so that women wouldn’t feel so alone. It’s hard to find other women in the situation since it’s one of those topics that many people don’t talk about. So glad it has helped you in your situation. Take Care!
My husband came to me and told me he had cheated on me. That’s scarry to me because I never caught him.
I asked him why and he said it was just a stupid mistake on his part. I asked him why he would choose someone who was totally ugly and had more fat on her then me. He told me because she had the parts and she built him up and put him on a pedistal saying she was the best she had ever had. Of course he was the best she ever had I trained him for 22 years.
I of course I know her he worked with her and when she started telling everyone at his work she had had sex with him, he was asked about it and actually made fun of by his co-workers. This makes me feel like why why why when I was right here for him. My ring is off as well but for some reason I’m still here.
Hello Carolyn,
It actually appears your husband might actually have a conscious and might of told because it was eating him up inside, which is great news if it is true. That might be why you are still there, maybe you sense that he is really trying to work things out. It also appears he embarrassed himself big time and was scarred of losing you by finding out by someone else. If you are still there I guess the thing to evaluate is if he sincerely made a mistake and is willing to put in some hard work to try to rebuild trust. Unfortunately some men say they want to work it out, but still lie and cheat, it’s a shame. If this is not your guy, you might have a shot. Best of luck!
I took my ring off yesterday. It’s been a month since my husband confessed to two affairs that happened 9 and 11 years ago. He confessed because he had recently sent a text to another woman, that was sexually flirtatious, and sent it to my 21 year old daughter by mistake. My daughter said if he didn’t tell me, she would, and he decided to come clean about everything. Even if, as he says, the latest flirtation had not progressed beyond texting, it is cheating. All three of these women are married. I have been married 26 years but I removed my ring because I feel as if the vows meant little to him. Looking at it made me think it had all been a lie. I have made no decisions regarding my future, my husband began counselling recently, and it is early days. He wants me to stay and says he wants to learn how to treat me like he should have always been treating me. It has been a difficult marriage at the best of times. If I stay, I have thought I would use the gold to have a different wedding band made but of course, at this point, I feel it would still be an empty promise on his part, even with a new band. My diamond ring is off too and that hurts too because he bought it for me at 13 years of marriage and he cheated after that. I feel I would never be able to wear either ring again in their present form.
@jeannie, I too took off my ring when I found out about my husband cheating. It stayed off the first time 3 months and the second 3 months and the last 1 month. It hurt him more to see it off that it did me. I felt I little freedom from his lies when I wasn’t wearing it. My husband didn’t have physical affairs but emotional! We didn’t talk for months unless we had too. I went to counseling but he never did because he still thought if he didn’t touch them he didn’t cheat. We even went through the steps of talking to a divorce mediator. Men just don’t get how much they are hurting their wifes and family until its too late. Regarding your ring hold off on doing anything. Things change as the days go bye. One day you want to divorce him the other you don’t. Or maybe your do.
Hello Jeannie,
I first want to say hats off to your daughter, what a difficult situation to be in as a daughter, very difficult. And she handled it in such a courageous and respectful way, I am just really impressed with that, please let her know that, you must of raised her well. I know what you mean about the ring. I felt as if me having the ring on meant everything was ok, and it wasn’t that way, I felt I was covering up for him or something. So it was quite liberating for me not to wear it. After only a month it’s still fresh and no need to be in a rush to make any major decisions, take it slow, and watch his actions, they will let you know what to do. Take Care.
Ring off, ring on. Made me feel worse with it off. After 26 years it has also left a big indentation. Made me feel like I had a brand like a cow. lol Thanks Jewels for your encouragement and yes my daughter is amazing. My husband is on his best behaviour and can’t do enough for me but I am very cynical about that. Time will tell.
Jeannie I too had the 25yr ring indentation. I just replace that ring with a cocktail ring for the time being. Just to show my husband that if he didn’t take our marriage seriously then I don’t have to any more either. I left my wedding ring on a ring holder right next to my bathroom sink so he would see I wasn’t wearing it! That hurt him more than me not talking to him, as well as giving him the evil eye from time to time. We he came crawling back for forgiveness and wanted to work things out I still didn’t put it back on until I felt a part of me could trust him (just a little part).