I have been playing around with this theory for some time now. There are tons of reasons that you find yourself married to ‘a cheating spouse’, but this one is not really discussed. The concept is this – My husband cheated because he really is not ‘the one’. It’s funny that I write that because as I write it, I say to myself, is there really ‘the one’. I don’t think I believe in ‘THE ONE’ but I darn sure believe in ‘not the one’ and that is what I would like to talk about.
If I get really, really honest with myself, there were some things about him that made us ‘off’. I am attracted to men that take responsibility for their actions, and since he blamed everyone else for his issues, that really wasn’t attractive. At the same time, he was a perfect gentlemen, always opened doors, paid for dinners, and because of this, I let the other issues slide.
We never really talk or laughed for hours, something was just out of sync with our conversations. But he was so good with kids, and I really admired him for that, so I overlooked the issue.
Now the hardest part to figure out when you are dating, is the balance between being picky and accepting anything. And the line is extremely difficult to draw – EXTREMELY. But I think as women we tend to lean toward one side or the other. For me, I tend to be more accepting and overlook things. Now, looking at my life, I am not too happy about that.
Just some food for thought….Have a great weekend ladies!!
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I read your post and I wanted to share some of the things I learned. First I hear in your post a want to learn, grow and move on, which is wonderful and very insightful. I had a councillor ask me, “What does she have that you don’t have?” I sat with that question for a really long time, she was younger, thinner, blond and very beautiful. What I did learn in time was that I am fine just as I am and I had a part in my marriage ending. So, I really looked at me and where did issues in our marriage before the affair create distance and leave room for an affair. One of the issues I knew about was communication. So I decided to become the best I can be and started by working on my communication skills. Today, I feel very strong in that area and have tackled many more. I realized I am fine and did not deserve this betrayal, and I had a choice of what to do next. That was 12 years ago and I have not stopped growing or searching since. It is now my life to be aware and continue to evolve into the best human being I can be. As much as I was deeply wounded and devastated at the time. I truly feel today it launched me into becoming the person I was always meant to be. I wish you much peace love and happiness.
Thanks so much Splinky!! I love to hear from women like you who have made it through the storm, it gives encouragement to us all. It seems like you took responsibility for your part, and also learned a lot about yourself along the way. I hope we all get to that place. Thanks for making me smile.
found this web site yesterday,my life as a new it is not there most days i feel dead and empty i just go through doing things you do as a wife and mother i found out about my husband 11 mounths ago about my husbands sordid life i have no one to talk to my choice when i found out i dumpted all my friends and have spent the last 11 mounth trying to find out why he did it and the only answer i have come up with the act of cheating is a total selfish act they live in there onw sordid planet they look and judge there wifes to justify there own choices and when they hit planet life they see the devastation they have caused while they choose to live in there filfty sordid life when some body chooses to cheat it like droping a stone in a puddle whilst the stone is falling life is fun for the cheater but the impact of the stone hitting the water is the devastation of there choises and the ripples the stone causes in the water is the pain and grief of every one caught up in one person choices and no matter how hard they cant stop the pain and devation they have cause no matter how hard they try there act are of total selfishness there are no excuses to volate some one who loves you i have spent 11 mounths to come to this a wast of time probably but in my knowing now it was my way of dealing with the most pain full thing i have ever had to deal with and am still dealing with i do feel a bit better today because as sick as it sounds to find this site and read other peoples experiance does make make me feel as im not mad just proccing an immature retard choices so good luck to you all
Hello earth angel,
Thanks for sharing your story. It’s also the hardest thing I have ever gone through as well. I will tell you that all the thinking in the world can’t justify their selfish behaviors. It’s sad they have no idea what they put us through by their actions. You mentioned that you dumped all of your friends (I am assuming female friends) so you can focus on your marriage. It might not be a bad idea to start reconnecting with them. I had a very bad habit of surrounding myself with a problem until it’s fixed. I did that with my cheating husband, and it impacting my health until I physically couldn’t do it anymore. I think it’s time to do something for you, you deserve it for all that you have been through. If your constantly thinking about the affair, your doing to be in a depressed state often and that is not good for yourself of anyone around you. Best of luck with your situation, take care.