The new “Other Woman”

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The new “Other Woman” post image

Photo courtesy of Olga Ferrer Saladié https://www.flickr.com/photos/olggaaa97/

There is a very interesting trend I would like to share with you in the cheating world. One of the members of the site Susan pointed this trend out to me and she was spot on.

The trend is that more and more women are coming to me saying that their husband is cheating on them – not with the younger woman, not with the neighbor, but with……another married woman. The new ‘Other Woman’ is “A Married Woman’. The most common profile or story is one where the husband is cheating on the wife with a younger women. But more and more the stories are shifting towards married women sleeping with married women.

Here are a few of my random theories as to why this is happening so often.

First, we are constantly exposed to stories and images of affairs and infidelity through the media. Subconsciously, in seeing this on TV shows, print and online so often, it can make one feel ok to cheat (Olivia Pope’s doing it, so what’s the big deal if I sleep with a married man?). As a wife, over time you will start to feel a desire to have ‘more fun’ and get out of the daily routine. That desire can easily turn into lusting or wanting to have an affair, especially if you read or watch content that portrays cheating as fun.

Another reason for the rising trend of married women sleeping with married men is the increased mentality of a wife not wanting to get a divorce, but seeking more fulfillment. For a married women, a married man is the perfect solution because he doesn’t want to leave his family and get divorced either. They both have common goals, fulfillment and sexual diversity.

Last, but not least, technology has played a role. As a wife, you are busy with many responsibilities; having an affair can appear to be a daunting task. But now, with sites like Ashley Madison, with the click of a button, you can find a husband who is willing to fulfill your need for excitement outside of the marriage along with discretion.
I am in no way excusing the behavior. Lying to your spouse and cheating behind their back is wrong and a devastating experience. I am simply sharing some theories as to why this trend of “married women sleeping with married men” is growing. What do you think?

  • Josephine October 3, 2014, 7:09 PM

    I think married women are having affairs with married men not just because it is no strings attached, but more importantly because the affair partner has just as much incentive to keep the affair a secret. The mutual secret is also what creates part of the attachment.

    • Jewels October 4, 2014, 1:12 AM

      Hi Josephine,

      Great insight. Yes, you don’t want to lose your family and I don’t either which does create a mutual secret between the parties, and maybe that is why this type of arrangement is becoming more and more common unfortunately.

  • Jenni March 5, 2015, 3:00 AM

    I found out my husband was having an affair when I came across a bag full of letters and trophies (g- strings etc). I had no idea what they were as the names on the envelopes were unfamiliar. When I asked him what they were , the story that unfolded was left me in a state of shock, despair and disbelief.
    We are not a young couple (40 years married).. but we have weathered some very traumatic times in our marriage, but this was the most painful.
    It ended up that he had been having a secret relationship with a married woman for 8 years.
    My husband has a radio show and this woman had become attracted to his music and persona and had begun ringing him as an admirer. She was married to a man 25 years older than herself .. she had told my husband that her husband had given her permission to go elsewhere for sex as long as she kept healthy. In turn my husband told her that I worked too hard and was too busy for sex (and I thought it was his blood pressure meds that took away his libido as he no longer wanted sex with me).
    My boys would see how much it hurt me when my husband became disinterested in doing anything with me, and we just put it down to him getting older. so I got on with my life always hoping that things would get better,
    He would go away for weekends occasionally under the pretext that he was hosting a music night in another town,,,, and he would come back with $400 as payment..
    They had private mailboxes that they would communicate with and all in all he gave his thoughts and confidences to her thus shutting me out of his life.
    Everything was based on fantasy.. they escaped their real lives and lived in this other world of deceit.
    What astounded me is that once found out… they each dropped each other instantly…AFter 8 years… so where was the genuine love!
    The pain and hurt from the betrayal and deceit was unbelievable.. my husband begged me to give him a chance to prove how much he loved me. It was like a huge weight was lifted off his shoulders.
    I arranged to meet this woman as I was still unsure of what direction I would take for my own personal journey. When I met her I was astounded how different she was to me, Younger, blonde, Czechoslovakian, fake boobs, eye-lifts and lots of bling. She whined about how my husband lied to her and that she was doing him a favour because I was too busy…she was a tragic… obviously married to an older man for money .. and needing a physical romantic relationship to keep her going. I spoke to her husband on the phone and his attitude was that he just wanted her to be happy … I was the only one not consulted on the whole sorry situation.. It appeared that my husband was a human dildo.. and got some money for it so that I could be deceived!
    My husband was and idiot!.. fickle and weak when it came to this situation. I firmly believe she set her sights on him… worked for a few years to build up a dependency and then it progressed to a physical escape so that they could keep it all going.. thinking that it was all ok. The only problem was that he gradually pushed me further away with his disinterest and nastiness .. this I believe was the result of his guilt.
    Four years down the track,, I have to admit he has not put a foot wrong,, he communicates with me (not about the affair though), we go out when we can afford it and he makes every effort to be a much nicer attentive person.
    I do forgive him even though I find it hard to accept that he would choose to hurt me as much as he has. Every now and again the pain comes back.. little triggers that bring it all back and eat away.. It was unfortunate that I read some of their letters as it gave me an insight into the depth of their relationship.. she became his confidante and I lost my soul mate.
    He is my family and I do love him. But I can’t say that I am ‘In love’ anymore. Hopefully over time I will learn to remove some of the barriers that stop me from allowing myself to be hurt so severely again. At 62 years of age, I’m not interested in any new relationship, so it would be a shame to wipe out a life time of marriage without giving it a chance.. So far … so good.

  • JC March 6, 2015, 4:03 AM

    Dear Jenni,

    thank you for sharing your story. I can feel your pain as I m experiencing the same kind of pain that you are undergoing. My relationship is of 15 years and I discovered that he was having an affair online for two years, They have stopped the affair as they were exposed and they decided to stop in 2011, but I found about it recently and it has hurt me very deeply. It was my confidence and trust in our love and that he did not reciprocate that has hurt me most.

  • Jenni March 7, 2015, 2:03 AM

    Dear JC
    Just realising that others like yourself are going through the same experience, helps a little as these situations make you feel so isolated and alone. We carry on our lives. but try not to burden others (especially family because they have their own lives to get on with), but sometimes you just wish you could scream, or just be bad for once.. but we know its not in our nature.
    One thing that I find so unfair is that the other parties just get on with their lives… She still has her wealthy older husband who actually turned a blind eye to it all.My husband has not lost his family and he no longer has to live a double life, and he seems to be a much happier person. He feels good that he is treating me better (I am grateful) but that deep down feeling never leaves… I still feel like my life is not real.. that I am existing and waiting for it to make sense again.
    Like you JC, you give your heart and soul to someone for years and to realise that you just didn’t mean enough to them.. I have read a lot about narcissistic personality disorder, about how some people live to make their own life valid, and never really have empathy towards anyone, its scary but it’s like I’m reading about my own life as the partner of a narcissist… This whole experience has not made me bitter or angry, just very very sad .

    • Jewels April 28, 2015, 12:17 PM

      Hi Ladies, it’s Jewels, I am so super behind on replying!

      Jenni the most important thing that you realized is that is was a fantasy. We both know that they really could not be together because it was fake, but sometimes husbands get wrapped up in the fantasy.

      Both you and JC deserve to be happy again. Jenni you asked how to now allow yourself to get hurt severely again? The only way to do is to build your self-worth from within. I was so depressed and down due to the affair, I didn’t want to eat or go out ect. But that is because my self-worth was attached to my husband and the title of being a ‘wife’. Once I learned how to grow my own self-worth, life got easier. And my ex-husband’s actions did not define me as a person anymore. Building your self-worth from within is not an easy task when you have spend years attaching self worth to external factors, but it is worth the effort to be happy again. Hugs to both of you! I will be checking this thread and responding in the next day or two, let me know how things are going.

  • kimmer May 26, 2015, 6:27 PM

    i am absolutely distraught and ashamed of myself. My amazing husband and I have an agreement that porn is ok and even share it at times with each other…..we have issues with his Facebook containing strippers and past love affairs and filters on what he allows others to see. I realize that I crossed a line looking at personals and sometimes replying anonymously but never meeting or continuing contact. I do it during self gratification and have no interest another women other than a fantasy. My husband does not believe me and will not even look at me or hug me. I am so incredibly disappointed in myself.

    • Jewels June 3, 2015, 7:14 AM

      Hi Kimmer,

      You should not be so hard on yourself. Porn is addictive, and you and your husband both agreed to dive into this arena, and both of your could not foresee where this would lead. So it lead to you reaching out and getting some self-gratification, well, guess what, that is the common path of porn addition. You think you can control it and you can’t. Happens all over the world every single day. If your husband is open to talking that would be good, because this can be solved. First step is admission of a problem, which I think you have done (maybe a little overboard, but that may be because of your husband’s reaction as well). Second step is evaluating and putting together a plan to get through this. Did you husband have a similar reaction with the Facebook issues? Did he stop engaging to help build trust? I’m just giving you some food for thought, only you know your husband well enough to know the next step, whatever that is, trust it.

      https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/ – a good site for you to understand porn

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