Sexting, Texting, and Cheating

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Sexting, Texting, and Cheating post image

Photo courtesy of Melina Sampaio Manfrinatti https://www.flickr.com/photos/melinamanfrinatti/

Sexting—that is, sending text messages of a sexual nature—and cheating often go hand-in-hand.

In fact, sexting (the term used for these sexually charged text messages) were how I found out about my husband’s affair. My husband had been sexting the other woman for months. Then, one day, he left his phone at home. I was already feeling suspicious because of the way he had been behaving, so I pulled it out and looked through it. And there is was—months of messages to and from this woman. Some texts were of a joking nature, some romantic, and some about sex. It was clear that they enjoyed interacting with each other. And it was clear that I had no idea my husband would ever do something like this!

It is amazing to me how many cheating husbands play this sexting game with the OW. The things he would want to do with her (explaining this in text) he would never bring up to me. This behavior is very common. Men who cheat are more prone to doing “naughty” things with the OW than with their wives. This may be because they’re embarrassed by their sexual desires, or maybe they want the wife and mother of their children to be ‘clean’ and not be involved in the raw sexual desires that he has. I am not sure.

What I do know is that sexting with an OW has a devastating impact on a wife. It’s emotionally and mentally damaging to see a play-by-play sexual interaction between your husband and another woman. It’s shocking, and it is hard to look at your husband and/or his phone in the same manner.

  • Yvette February 8, 2012, 9:07 AM

    Ugh… This is how I catch my husband most of the time! But Im to the point where I don’t care what he does anymore!!!!! This is very popular with the cheating process these days… I don’t understand why men marry if they are not committed!!!!

  • lonely&depressed February 9, 2012, 7:00 AM

    I too caught my husband sexting and now every chance i get i look at his phone to see if it has stopped. I feel like I am obsessed or possessed! I literally start to shake and breathe heavy in fear of what I will find! When if ever will this behavior stop!

  • Anna C. February 10, 2012, 12:14 AM

    I think the loving texts you mentioned are more devastating than the sexy texts. Before my husband and I were married, I found texts from him to a female “friend” saying that he would always love her, and that my “jealousy” was the only obstacle to their “friendship.” Yeah, right. There were also sexy texts, but most of them were pretty mild flirtation. It was the emotional texts that got to me, and the lie about my jealousy.

    I only wish I’d listened to my intuition about that friendship. I love my husband, but lately I find myself wondering if he’s not just in this for convenience. He says he’s committed to me, but I tend to think he’s committed to the sense of emotional and material security he gets from our relationship. He can’t seem to get over his obsession with this “friend,” who’s deeply emotionally disturbed and has a drug problem. She’s unemployed and apparently has nothing to do but send text messages to my husband all day. He has old photos of her that he stares at for hours, and even though we moved far away from the city where she lives, he still plans visits to that city to see her. I put up with those monthly visits until I found texts from him referring to their arrangements to stay in a hotel together after visiting a five-star restaurant in the city. He’s also been spending a lot of time and money buying her gifts and sending her care packages.

    Whenever I complain about her, he says I’m being controlling and insecure. I don’t know about anyone else, but my male friends don’t invite me to stay in hotels with them or invite me to fancy restaurants. I’m starting to wish they would! In fact, I’m seriously considering looking around for a male “friend” of my own. But the fact is, I don’t want to waste my energy looking for another man or lying to my husband. I’d rather pursue my own interests, and at this point in my life, most of those interests have nothing to do with romance.

    Jewels, you were right when you said in an earlier post that infidelity is profoundly draining. I can’t tell you how tired this whole situation has made me. Before I found the most recent texts, I kept sensing that something was wrong. It wasn’t rocket science — my husband was acting distracted, irritable, checking his email and phone all the time and making urgent plans to get to the city, even though there was no reason for him to go there. But he pulled a gaslight routine on me, saying it was all projection on my part. The effort of trying to pretend that all of this was happening in my own head has been exhausting.

    After I found the texts about the hotel, we had a big blowup. I told him I wouldn’t put up with having this woman lurking around in the background of our lives anymore. I don’t care if they’re friends, lovers or anything else; I just think she’s a nasty piece of work. And now, I’m starting to feel that my husband is a nasty piece of work, as well. I’ve told him that if he loves her, he should move back to the city and be with her. He insists that he’s committed to me, and that the weekend at the hotel never panned out because she was going through a depressed episode.

    So I’m giving him another chance, but I’m also making a Plan B, which doesn’t include my husband or his skanky friend. And frankly, I’m starting to like the sound of my Plan B more and more every day.

    Thank you for letting me vent. I really appreciate your site.

    ~ Anna

  • Gimlet February 12, 2012, 8:27 AM

    My husband changed careers a few years ago and now travels several times a year. Having been in the hospitality buisiness I told him in no uncertain terms that I didn’t like it because most of the men I met at the hotels I worked in were open to cheating. Even the ones that seemed like committed family men. When he first started traveling he would call me several times a day and seemed lonely at night. Now he only calls as he’s walking to the next event and always has to hang up when the crowd he’s meeting comes into view. He thinks I don’t notice but I do. This past fall before one of his trips he made an appointment to see our family doctor and never mentioned it until that morning, I thought it odd but shrugged it off. He came home and three days later went on another trip while he was gone I had occassion to go on our mail order medical site and imagine my surprise when I found he had a new perscription for Cialis. Well I did what any normal woman would do and marched upstairs and found the bottle which said there should be six pills but I only found 4. His explanation was that he took one test pill to check for side affects and that the pharmacist had only put 5 in the bottle. We had a big blow up with him bemoaning my lack of interest in sex( which sadly is true due to my hysterectomy) and his pain from my almost total rejection of him and also that the ED resulting from his blood pressure meds has left him feeling less than a man. Being a neglected wife I felt his pain and acknoledged my part in it. So for our anniversary Instead of divorce papers I gave him a sexy movie and an erotic book as an alternative to exploring the internet for local singles which I forgt to mention I also discovered while he was away. We had sex 6 times in ten days started taking walks together and I really felt we were making progress in getting back to a good place. Two weeks ago while ordering my Estrogen cream refill I decided to save him the akwardness of having to go into the local pharmacy to pick up his Cialis and put in a tranfer request to our mail order which would also give him a three month supply at the same cost a real win win for all Right? I wasn’t sure if it would go through so I never mentioned it. My cream arrived and a few days later a package with my husbands name . When I was paying bills I asked if we had a copay on his package so I would know how much to pay he said he wasn’t sure but that it was his bloodpressure meds. I went online to check and guess what it was a bottle of 36 cialis pills so off I went again and surprise this pharmacist also miscounted by 3 pills. Next I went onto his computer and checked his email (something I’m not proud of but feel is the only way to get the truth). I found several explicit pictures from a 25 year old in TN. with his comments to her regarding them. I emailed the girl in question politely asking if they were havig an affair or if he was paying he for the pics so I could determine what the state of our marriage is. She emailed back that he is just a customer that placed a large order of fire safety coloring books nothing more. When I confronted hubby at first he tried to act like he had no idea what I was talking about ,when I recited his comments back to him he looked devastated you see I’m not very good with a computer and he obviously thinks I’m a moron. He is still claiming that she just sent the pictures on her own as a thank you for your order and that he has never actually had sex with anyone else during our marriage. I know in my heart he’s lying as my instincts are never wrong. I’ve just been so consumed with raising 5 boys and worrying about finances and life in general that I’ve never taken the time to snoop before. I feel deavastated and want to lash out but I have to raise 5 boys and have no way to support them. Also my husband has been my bestfriend for 20+ years. When I left him for someone else and got pregnant he sang to my belly while the babys’ father tried to force me to abort. My husband is a good man in many ways but the pain he has been causing me is literally killing me. By the way I could really exact revenge on this young lady as I copied the pics and have the name of her boss. I think they would not approve of her behavior with their clients but really I think she is young and foolish and just needs learn to think about the consequences of her actions. This sexting is really so stupid what is the payoff for ths girl? I don’t want to give into the urge to be spitefulbut I am really hurting and it’s hard. My question is this do you think it is crazy of me to believe that they hooked up at one of these conventions where she may have been a vendor? And how do I move forward with MY life?

  • Sana February 12, 2012, 10:56 AM

    My husband was caught this way too. He was sexting a couple of old HS GF’s (who contacted him on Facebook after his HS reunion) from overseas while deployed because he said “You hardly ever called me & you didn’t want to have skype or phone sex and you were so distant when we talked”.
    Here’s what I say back to that “Well, yep you are right honey because I suspected you’d already had an affair and it was just a matter of time before you told me you were leaving for good and I was mad as hell, sad, confused and trying to stop loving you so it would not be so devastating when it happened.” That didn’t work so well. I still love him, but I don’t trust him and that innocent piece of me is just gone. I always thought he had honor and that’s gone too.
    He left some texts on his phone on his return and thought, I guess, since his phone service didn’t work in the states, that nothing was left on there. I’m alot more tech savvy than he is much to his dismay.
    I saw texts to another woman like “I’m on the way to work and thinking of you” and a few minutes later a text to me saying “You home?” How crushing is that? One OW texted that she loved him, but he never said that back. Just miss you or thinking of you (read sex!). He said she had contacted him after his mother died and told him she had contact with his mother’s spirit (bet that’s a new one!) and that she knew things about his mom that it wasn’t possible to know so that’s how he started talking to her. And that led to sexting?
    The old HS GF I suspected he was having the affair with before he deployed was not the one actually. He did text her a little, but not really sexual stuff. I actually figured out the full blown affair OW from a few years before because of one text saying “The desk clerk’s name is Monica too and it made me think of you”. This is YEARS after the affair was OVER according to him and she is married now. So why are you still thinking of her? Then I found pics of her and the infamous video of them having sex on one of his hard drives. JEEEEZ, Men are stupid! I would have trashed that or hidden it better.
    And I really must have not wanted to know in my heart years earlier because if I had not been so busy just trying to maintain a full time job, family, finances, household and grieving over Father-In-Law’s death while he worked a job and reserves I would have dug deeper a long time ago.
    My Bad! The only real positive if you can say there is one, is that because it was really over years ago, he is not still in the affair fog and really is scared to death of what he may lose because of what he calls “his f*** up.” We both know if I had found out then, I would have walked out the door. I still feel cheated of the right to make a choice THEN and he is well aware of the fact that I have reserved the right to walk out if he is not totally honest and open.
    As Jewels said you learn the hardest lesson of all from this: Only trust yourself.

    • Jewels February 12, 2012, 9:30 PM

      Hello Ladies!!

      Just a couple of comments…

      Yvette – that is the question, why get married and then sneak around, what’s the point?

      Lonely&depressed - yes I remember the breathing heavy!! It was like I was in a horror movie searching for the Chucky in his phone, that stage for me was rough.

      Anna – I can relate to alot of what you said. I also think that my husband was with me for convenience, I really do. I also told him if you are that happy with her, stop sneaking behind my back and be with her. But he wouldn’t. He kept sneaking and eventually I left. My husband did the same thing, made me question pure evidence as if I was crazy or insane. I ended up taking plan B, take care.

      Gimlet – I do not think you are crazy to believe that they may of hooked up. When a vendor orders something, a 25 year old is not going to say thank you by sending explicit pics of herself. So there is a big part of the story missing. And because he has not shared that, you are imagining the worst, which is normal. Moving forward is a matter of where you and your husband are. If you want to work things out, you ability to move forward will require your husband to be more upfront about what has happened, so you both can move forward, he has a big part if you are going to work on the marriage. He has to do his part, it can’t be just you. ‘

      Sana - yes, men leave all kind of evidence as if they just think they are never going to get caught, pretty bold. Yes, I know what you mean by knowing earlier – same here. Yes, after we find out we see all the signs, but before, we are too busy trying to be a mother, wife, career person, it’s too much. So when women say I had no idea I totally understand how that could happen, we were too busy trying to handle life. And yes, having the OW connect with your husband by saying she connected with her spirit…really? That is a first!!

  • Gimlet February 13, 2012, 7:47 AM

    Ladies, All your comments really are helping THANK YOU!Jewel your idea was a godsend to all of us Thank You just doesn’t seem like a big enough word but it’s all we have.

  • Liz February 16, 2012, 3:39 PM

    This is how my husband and his OW were caught. I was out of the loop but she screwed up and left her phone unlocked with a text open. Her husband walked by and saw it. He confronted her about it. My husband was away for some military training when they were found out. All 3 of them knew each other and went to high school together. She was my husband’s first girlfriend (way back in jr high.) Her husband told mine that my husband had to tell me or he would call me himself. My husband wanted to wait until he got home to tell me face to face. In the meantime, he kept texting OW. Finally, OW’s husband got mad and called me. Husband’s cell phone usage is a huge trigger for me, as well as going to Pennsylvania to see his family. (Two month emotional affair that culminated to a one time sexual encounter that happened when we went back to Pennsylvania to visit his family, they were found out about 2 weeks after that encounter.)

  • Haidy February 16, 2012, 7:29 PM

    I am just in terrible pain right now. My husband and I recently got married (over 6 months ago). Prior to this, we were in a long distance relationship for more than 3 years. During those 3 years, he goes back and forth to the country where I lived for less than a month vacation to see me at least once or twice a year. Anyway, to shorten it, I caught him hiding a cellphone with a different number on his pocket in the closet, so I curiously opened it and saw text messages from different women. One of them was saying I love you to him and calling him the same endearment we had at that time. It crushed me, I called the girl but told me that they were only friends.. Anyway, I confronted him and he admitted that he had an extra affair with her and that they had sex too… but he said, he didn’t want to let me go. Morning came, and the girl called me, she said that she didn’t know that he has a girlfriend and that she wants to let me know that my man had another woman pregnant! He denied the allegation and he said he doesn’t want to deal with them anymore, that’s why he requested to transfer to a different station (he’s in the military btw) I maybe the craziest woman who posted here, because, I gave him another chance… But from then on, I never stopped, digging on him. Although in the past year, since he moved to the different station, I’ve seen a lot of change. He constantly communicated with me and we were both back in track until we got married and left my career and moved with him. Now, something came to me, and I just had to make sure that he’s not in anyway in contact with them anymore. Guess what?, there was an email, he said he wasn’t using anymore and I don’t know but his password security is just too weak that I was able to open it. He is still in touch with another woman, whom he said has 3 kids and yet he calls her the same endearment we use now! Oh my, I’m losing my sanity again, he said they’re not in anyway in a relationship because the woman has children already but why the H is he calling her that way?? And I saw pictures from another woman with a baby who looks like him!! Now he’s mad at me because I keep digging out his past, and he says I’m the one who’s ruining the relationship because I kept on investigating on him…. he had admitted his mistakes, but there are lapses and I believe some of his reasons are still unbelievable, he still didn’t admit having a child. I also told him that if he really had a child during our relationship, just tell it to me now, having a baby cannot be undone, so I may just accept if true, but he denied again.. I don’t know what to do know, it’s with no doubt that I really love him but I don’t know if I could still keep up with these nerve wrecking surprises. I just recently moved with him to this country that’s why I’m not working yet, aside from the fact that he doesn’t want me to work for the meantime. I don’t have a source of income but his, it’s kinda tough looking for a job and my speaking skills using English isn’t as confident yet… I’m sorry for the long post… I’m just really confuse, I know he loves me but I just value honesty so much.. I don’t know how to rebuild my trust again and stop myself from sneaking on to his personal accounts………… :'( thank you for letting me just voice out my emotions because I don’t know anyone whom I can share my problems right now, not even my family for I don’t want them to know unless I have a concrete decision on what to do.. I’m so tired crying since yesterday and thinking what I have done wrong..

  • Mags February 18, 2012, 11:58 AM

    Hi Ladies
    I dont really know where to start ……….
    My husband and I have been together for 5 years ………we got married two years ago at first it was long distance (and he was so romantic ) as I live in london but since I moved here and we bought a house ……… I keep finding phones with texts to women I heard him in the bathroom on xmas day having phone sex I have rang up some of the women and they did not know he was married hes a good lier. The latest is hes gone and paid £44 extra to have a new passport done that day and has gone ??? sent me dubious emails from the army and is now only contactable by email………… his old passports in the drawer its not even ran out yet. I know to get in to the states where he lied about going when we lived apart three times I found this out later………. when I accused him……………………………of this by email ,,,,,,,,,,,, all sort of excuses but I meanwhile sit here all alone…………. looking at my emails I cried all day ………….. so hard I do love him. Hes now hiding the phone and has put a lock on it………… thanks for listening

    • Jewels February 18, 2012, 11:30 PM

      Gimlet – Thanks so much for you kinds words :).

      Liz – it’s interesting how you have found out. I have heard several stories of the OW’s husband finding out and telling the husband it’s either you or me. It is a tough spot when you know such a thing and have to tell because it is devastating, yet holding it in was not right. Seems like your husband didn’t realize the game is over. I can see how those things are huge triggers, it sucks that his family lives in the same town, so now when he goes to visit family, you have a pit in your stomach. I hope he is doing everything he can to make to try to repair things.

      Haidy – welcome, the second time you find out hurts so so bad, it’s horrible. Yes he is blaming you for sneaking around because that is the only thing he can say to try to avoid the conversation, the real conversation that needs to take place, which is why is he still contacting her?

      I honestly think he is ok with you not working right now because he knows that will keep you there, at least for now. It seems like your instinct is telling you he has a child with her, do not deny your instincts. He is mad that you are investigating, well if you didn’t find anything you would stop, but because he keeps hiding stuff you keep finding. So do not feel bad for finding out and do not feel bad for giving him another chance, we have all been there before, it’s ok, really it is.

      I think what you have to think about now are two things. Is he really dedicated to making this work? Because if you are, but he isn’t, that is not going to work. It takes two very committed individuals to recover from such a place of distrust. With my husband I had to realize this and realize that he was not committed and I can not carry him in trying to make this work. I think you have the same decision to make, and it is an extremely tough decision. I know you move to another country to be with him, left your job and made so many sacrifices. But do not feel that you are stuck or trapped, you had a job and had things together before him and whatever you decide to know, know in your heart that you can handle whatever comes your way, you are strong and have the strength to get through this, hugs!

      Mags – I feel for you. It is so devastating to find out these things about your husband and the response is – let me keep hiding and lock my phone – so so frustrating!! It seems like you moved just like Haidy and now that you are with him you are discovering all kinds of things. Here is the thing, you can not force him to act in the way that he should once he is caught betraying you. It seems like he is not at the point where he gets how what he is doing is impacting you. For now, you have to focus on Mags, focusing on someone like him that is not treating you well is very stressful. Focus on Mags, and what Mags needs to do in order to feel better. Your attention should be shifted back to you and off of him. In time he will start to notice that you are not really focused on him anymore, and maybe at that time he might be willing to have a conversation about it, but now, he is not really, it has not hit him hard enough yet. Sorry, big hug to you, I know you are in alot of pain right now.

  • Gimlet February 19, 2012, 7:27 AM

    Dear Fellow Wives with Hurting Hearts, Reading your recent posts both saddens and strangely comforts me. I am sad that all you lovely ladies are suffering so much heartache but feel a connection and sence of solidarity to you all. As an update to my story things are getting better ,or at least I think they are. My husband has on his own accord deleted his facebook and we will be starting a new account that is for our entire family. Only friends that we both know and family will be friended. Also he puts his phone on the desk and pretty much leaves it there when he comes home. This was not as easy as it sounds there were tears and some painful conversations in the days after my discovery. I know he loves me and our boys and is truely sorry for the pain he has caused but I still am not sure of our future as I am convinced that there is more that he has not told me. Also I know that these changes may be temporary and I find myself wondering if he is just using a new email or opening new accounts. The good news is that we are working on it. Please know you are all worthy of love and deserve it. Stay strong and thank you for your support and encouragement.

  • Anna C. February 19, 2012, 12:44 PM

    Gimlet, I’m very happy to hear that things are going a bit better with your husband. Hopefully this was an isolated incident, and the pain that he caused taught him a lesson. It’s so hard to trust someone after you’ve discovered a major deception like that; you start second-guessing everything they do. I finally decided that I can’t change my husband’s decisions in the future, but I can change my own actions. After raising five boys and devoting so much time and energy to your family, I hope you’ll set aside time for your own health and happiness. I’ve found that having activities and goals of my own to look forward to — things that don’t necessarily involve my husband at all — helps a bit.

    My heart breaks reading these stories. I know so many of us have been broken by lies and betrayal. Jewels, thank you for your kind, generous responses, and for being here to hear our stories.

    We all deserve better! I wish all of you ladies (and the men who’ve been cheated on, too) the very best.

  • Haidy February 19, 2012, 11:38 PM

    Dear Jewels, I’m very much thankful for your response. It’s the first time I’ve ever talked about this aside from myself. I affirm to everything you said, he keeps on hiding that’s why I keep on finding. Two nights ago, we decided to talk about our relationship and we’ve decided to move forward again.. I honestly believe that during our conversation, I felt his sincerity but then I also know that he hasn’t really told me everything that I needed know. For now, I have decided give him another chance as a married couple. I do hope that I don’t need to give him more in the future… I still hope and pray that its not yet too late to work on it. I also plan to work once we move to his next station so that I can be independent if in case things like this again happens. Again, thank you and more power to all the women who are strong enough to fight or to let go.

  • WishICouldBeNormal February 20, 2012, 8:26 PM

    Gimlet- Experience talking here…YOU should count the Cialis EVERY TIME he gets a new bottle and keep track of how many times he uses them for you. That’s how I knew my husband had gone from sexting and phone sex to an all out physical affair. As one lied to wide to another COUNT THEM!

  • WishICouldBeNormal February 20, 2012, 8:27 PM

    Sorry that last post should have read “As one lied to wife to another” LOL

  • Kaz February 21, 2012, 4:59 PM

    i to have found out about my husbands cheating by answering a call on his phone. not only was he texting the ow for two years, he continued to ly to me for the next 8 months . The lies are the worst thing as now I can never forgive or forget.. The images in my mind are to damaging. After telling me over and over again he had never met or been with another w, I found I had an infection that proved he lied yet again. Nowi live with my own lies. Just a convinence until I can move on.
    Be brave be strong

  • Sad All the Time February 23, 2012, 8:13 AM

    i am trying to get over my husband cheating 15 months ago. he will never admit he cheated but i do have 95 pages of text messages and an empty bottle of cialis he bought when he was working out of town. he did tell me to forget about his “friend” it’s all in the past and get on with the future. i want to get on with the future but i’m afraid it will happen again. when he came home i knew something was wrong but couldn’t put my finger on it until our son’s 18th b-day. he was texting her at night when i was sleeping next to him. i found pictures of her on his work computer and i made him delete them. i contacted her on FB and she told me she knows how i feel because her husband cheated on her.
    Why do I feel I’m in her shadow all the time?
    My husband tells me he loves me so much and i never have to worry about anything ever happening again.
    Should I beleive him?

  • Bobby February 23, 2012, 11:29 AM

    I too caught my wife. 20 years and 3 kids and she dose this. . .It’s not only men.

  • vanessa February 24, 2012, 7:20 AM

    Hi All,

    I was married for 18 years and have two children.My ex was having a affair with my first cousin that he has never meet until the day he decided to visit my dying mother.She used to phone the house and abuse me and tell me she was going to have him.Well she did have him,i left in 2008 and i am with a new partner,who i have been with for 4 years.he now works in another state with 3 weeks on and one week home.i went through he’s phone and found a text message from a person called oscar? yeah,right.This was full on love,soul mate,my best friend and my future,He replied by saying i never thought you were interested.Now there is odd amounts of money missing from the account.I my get one text or phone call if im lucky.he hides he’s phone or it is never out of he’s site.As for he’s laptop,can not access due to pin code.So angry and so upset.I have decideed to hire a private investagator for any evidence and then i will be comfronting him. Vanessa Australia.

    • Jewels February 25, 2012, 9:01 PM

      Gimlet – Thanks for the update Gimlet – love how the both of you comprised on facebook saying “My husband has on his own accord deleted his facebook and we will be starting a new account that is for our entire family. Only friends that we both know and family will be friended.” That is a great idea.

      Anna C. – I was so glad to hear that you are starting to do some things just for you, thanks for the kind words about the site.

      Haidy – Thanks for the update. Getting a job to get some independence, I love it!!

      Kaz – sorry to hear this, the lies are painful, to look at you in the face and just lie to your wife is hard to understand. And you are right, if you have any kind of physical evidence, it is damaging to the mind and very hard to get rid of those images, they stay with you. It seems like you are staying with him until you can leave, I wish you the best in your recovery.

      Sadallthetime – It’s hard to say should you believe him or not – well first thing that comes to mind is that he never admitted to cheated, but has 95 pages of text messages. He needs to come clean for both of you to move forward. Only thing I can tell you is do not go off of his words, go off of this actions, it will save you a lot of heartache.

      Bobby – welcome, I know women cheat as well, and it is equally devastating. Even though you see mostly women on the site, I do interact with men in your position and it is painful. Just know that by you posting your message, you are giving hope to hundreds of women that there are good men out there. I wish you well.

      Vanessa – man, I can only imagine leaving one bad situation and now this. Let us know how things go and what you find out about the situation.

  • Gimlet February 26, 2012, 8:41 AM

    Bobby, I too want to wish you well and let you know I understand that a man feels the same pain when someone he loves and trusts betrays him. Good luck to you.

  • vanessa February 28, 2012, 7:45 AM

    Hi All,

    Well I decided not go with private I.I wuld let him set him hemself up and GUESS WHAT HE HAS.He rang me tonight at 06.39pm and we spoke for 5.14 minutes.I have set up a online phone account and it tells me how many times he has rung any number,time.Also if he replyies to SMS and tonight he did.He got a SMS at 07.18pm and then rang the number at 07.20pm.I texdted him at 09.30pm and still waiting for call back.I am so ANGRY,PISSED OFF and ALL I WON”T TO DO IS RING THAT MOBILE NUMBER.Not tonight I wil ring it tomorrow.

  • WishICouldBeNormal February 28, 2012, 10:13 AM

    @ Vanessa- Dial *67 first so that caller ID is blocked or get someone to let you use their phone (this is a better option, my husband’s OW answered when I used *67 and then immediately text him to tell him she had gotten the call, he told her not to answer any more unidentified calls). That once was all it took for me to know it wasn’t his best friend’s number (it was his best friend’s wife). If she sees the name or number on her caller ID she won’t answer but he will know you’re on to him. Never let him know you suspect until you have plenty of evidence. That’s experience talking.

  • Crazy February 28, 2012, 2:51 PM

    I too feel like I’m going crazy. I’m 5 months pregnant with our second child and I haven’t told anybody what I know, not even him. I just can’t bear the truth yet, he is the best liar I have ever met. Truly, I just didn’t believe he would ever cheat on me, so I think I wanted to believe his lies no matter how ridiculous or obvious they were. I first saw something through text messages and he denied the whole thing, said they were just “friends” and truly I had nothing concrete. Something told me there was something wrong, so I started snooping and I found him on several dating sites and affair sites. I’m not sure if he’s ever been faithful to me. It’s hard to believe he could do this to me and I feel like I just want to wake up and this will all be over. He’s away now for a couple months for work (he’s in the military) and I have given myself this time to cope with this situation and finally get the courage to confront him. I’m terrified of losing him and tearing apart my happy family. I just don’t know if I can do it but I also don’t think I can continue living this way.

  • Crazy February 29, 2012, 9:58 AM

    It felt good yesterday to actually tell someone about what has been happening, but I didn’t really tell everything and I feel like I just need to tell someone or I will go insane. But not only did I find the dating and affair websites but I also found emails on his phone in response to craigslist personal ads for “casual encounters” and it was honestly some of the craziest stuff they were talking about doing. I honestly feel like I’m still in shock, I feel like I read it wrong or something because he just couldn’t do this to me or our family. I hate what he has done to my dreams of our future and I hate how I feel, he has somehow made ME feel dirty for what he has done, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get that back…

  • WishICouldBeNormal February 29, 2012, 1:27 PM

    Crazy- I’m so sorry that you are in this place. I’m not an expert but I am a survivor and want to say several things to you. I want to disclose that I have stayed with my husband. We’ve been married almost 30 years and his was an affair with someone we knew. Having said that let me tell you what concerns me about your story. First, not all but most men who are trolling for someone on the internet will go on to find what they are looking for. This isn’t like an affair that evolved with someone he met; he is actively looking to find someone. This random person who he won’t know could likely have done this with numerous other men. This and the fact that he could hook up with any number of women from those sites (because he isn’t looking for a relationship but a hook up) increases the chances of him bringing home a std. Not only will he have it but you could get it too. What about your children then? Second, speaking as a 20 year military wife, if he has this mind set he can easily hook up with someone where he is sent and you would never know unless he told you (or you got an std) because the rule of the brotherhood of military personnel means no one will ever say a word, even if they see it with their own eyes.
    You need to take this time to ask yourself the big questions: Do I want this to stop now? If so then what do I expect him to do? (total access to cell and computer along with counseling?)? How will his compliance be measured? What am I willing to do if he doesn’t comply? You are in a much better place than most women with young children. Because you are in the military you can have alimony and child support taken straight out of his pay and he has to continue to supply you and the kids with Tricare. Honey you need to do something as soon as he gets home. You are like me in that you said you don’t want to break up your “happy home”. Baby, obviously that is an illusion. It’s not all that happy if you are having to face this. Don’t stick your head in the sand and hope it all goes away because it won’t. Think of your kids and what kind of life you want for them and ask yourself if you want a healthy reality or an unhealthy fantasy. God bless you as you make the tough choices. It won’t be easy no matter what you decide.

  • Gimlet February 29, 2012, 7:46 PM

    Dear wish I could be normal, Your letter gives me alot to think about. If you see my previous posts you’ll see I caught my husband sexting just a few weeks ago we had it out he cried seemed every bit as devastated as I. He took down his facebook and put down the cellphone agreed I could check his emails. We’ve been nicer to eachother, taken walks together every chance we get and even managed a rare datenight. Even our intimate moments have been more like they used to be.I really thought maybe this was a blessing in disguise. Then I got suspicious cause he had so few emails I began to wonder if there was a new email account somewhere. Guess what ,I found messages in one of his messenger things, I don’t text or IM so I guess he thought I couldn’t figure it out. When I clicked on conversations there were 7 months of back and forth almost every single day.When I called him and confronted him he swore there was never any sex (she lives a couple thosand miles from us) most of them involved work type things with flirtacious comments from both sides. The next day I went back and found ones where they were getting ready to hook up at a conference they would be attending (last August) then I read their comments about what they did. I don’t know which hurts more the endearing names he has for her or the sexual acts they shared. I contacted the OW she tried to say they never actually had sexual contact and that she just masturbated in front of him. REALLY that is supposed to make me feel all better. When I reminded her of her thanking him for the orgasms and she didn’t even acknowledge her earlier lie. But enough about her she’s not worth my time. Mind you she knows he’s married with 5 kids. Any how I can’t get over that he was doing this even after we reconnected and don’t think I’ll ever be able to get over it enough to stay and work things out. The problem is I love my husband warts and all he has been my best friend and champion for 21 years. He’s sick addicted to internet porn and has been sucked in needing more and more to get satisfaction. The internet can be great but it’s new and people just aren’t prepared with the knowledge of the pitfalls. Now don’t misunderstand there is no justification for what he has done to his family but I do feel sorry for him too. He knows what he’s losing and feels literally sick. It’s painful to see. But more painful to live with. I’m so confused and don’t know where I or my kids are headed.Thanks ladies for “listening” you are my saviours right now. Best to you all. I just wish I could close my eyes and sleep.

  • WishICouldBeNormal February 29, 2012, 8:57 PM

    Gimlet- Mine started talking to his best friends wife when he’d call him and he wasn’t available. He complained about me one day and that’s all it took. Seems the friend and the wife had been wanting a divorce for years but couldn’t afford it. They both saw my husband as a way out and she jumped at it. Within just 3 months she had him sexting, phone sexing, and then she flew from 4 states away to cement it with two days in a hotel room that she paid for. After he broke it off it took half a year to get her to back off. Trust me, I understand. My heart breaks for all of you just as it does for myself. Take a warm bath, drink some warm decaf tea, and get some sleep. You can’t do anything if you let yourself get exhausted. Best of luck.

  • Jen March 1, 2012, 2:03 AM

    Hi all. I have been struggling with my situation, but it seems trivial compared to some of your stories. I found out when my husband left out of state for a business trip for a couple of days. I was playing on his tablet, and he had an open FB account. I looked through the messages, mostly trivial, but a couple were not. He told a very good (male) friend who lives out of state and he said something to the effect of our marriage was rocky, but we haven’t had to talk about me leaving yet.. Went on to talk about “when I am single again, we’ll build us a bachelor pad”. Scary, but didn’t effect me too much, we did go through a rough patch after my father died on December 23. He was a good support system, but I’m sure he was drained. The message of concern involved the ow who was a friend from his past who was going through a nasty relationship with her husband. He is a very empathetic person, but it turned in to more. The messages moved from innocent to heady and I was shocked. Upon his return I asked him probing questions like “Do you think flirting and exchanging sexual messages considered infidelity?” He was adamant that he was. The next day I told him I found out by email. At first he said he didn’t know what I was talking about, then I directed him to his messages.
    He admitted it and stated it was only for two weeks and he ended it when he realized what a dumba$$ he was. He has been mostly truthful and says he still wants to be with him. I believe him, but am really hurting. He wasn’t mad that I was looking, and answered all of my questions.
    I still am vary wary. I found a reservation for a hotel room around that time in her Neighborhood. I confronted him with it, and he said he had no idea. I looked up the confirmation number, but it was no longer valid. Then mysteriously, the confirmation email was gone. I no longer had proof, so I dropped it. He said it was an online relationship only, so naturally I am conflicted.
    I really want to believe him, he’s not the type of person who would lie.
    What do I do from here? He knows it will be a long time before I can trust him. I get suspicious when he says he’s going to start the laundry, but doesn’t come back for an hour. Sometimes it’s as silly as I was checking an email and got distracted. I’ve seen him do it from time to time.
    Seriously though, what should I do? How should I feel? I occasionally bawl my eyes out, but that doesn’t seem to help. I want it to work. He is such a wonderful, caring, sweet man, with this one blemish.
    There is a lot that I haven’t

  • Derrick Cheater March 1, 2012, 7:59 AM

    I know this site is primarily women, posting but I feel it necessary to post here to begin the healing process. I call this “I didn’t think…” I didn’t think it would go this far. I didn’t think I would hurt someone I love so deeply. I didn’t think of the humiliation and embarssment. It started as a fantasy using online porn sites, watching otehers having sex, I then found masturbation fantasy for men and this added excitement. Videos of women telling you what to do while you masturbate very arousing. I didn’t think that the woman upstairs in bed would be into that. I didn’t think she would agree to this. I didn’t think she would feel more dejected, and lose self worth. While on these sites they fire pop ups at you that look like instant messages with women asking why are you jerking off to moives when you can jerk of to live women free!! These are lies it is not free the charge you for belonging, but don’t tell you that till you have filled out the information. You them get barraged by spam e-mails that look like people you have been chating with, looking for you. I didn’t think this would happen, I didn’t think this would continue even if you didn’t goback tgo the site. All these things pop up saying free sex chat and they are not but they hooked me and now I am danglling like a fish, not knowing what will pop up next, and not remebering where I went. I didn’t think this would have me live in fear, affraid everytime I leave the house that it will be empty when I come home. Affraid to go to sleep, affraid when I see my best friend, woman I love on the computer as to what will be found next. Affraid when I see her on the phone that its an attorney. I didn’t know this was going to happen and hurt everyone so much. I deserve what I am getting, she doesn’t deserve having to got through this. I cullminated with me starting to chat with someone I knew, miles away, then a video chat the ultimate fantasy, we then met up when we both where attending a conference, it was chatted about prior to which built the fantasy, when together I could not perform due to ED, or was it God telling me how wrong this was. It was wrong I didn’t think… My wife and I began to repair or relationship, things were better than ever before, I should have broken all ties, but I didn’t, I foolishly believed I could remain friends with the other. I am wrong. I didn’t know how to extricate myself without hurting someone. I care about feelings, my father always teased me growing up that I would never make it because I cared too much about feelings. Funny how I can tramble on them when I didn’t think. I come from a long line of broken relationships. Parents divorced, brothers and sisters divorced, I myself had a bad marriage before I met my wife and love. I didn’t think. The other night my wife and I made love. I say that because we did, it was like it usedto be, she knows me, I have abrieveated this story becuase you all know it, I have broken off all contact with this person, I sent an e-mail that was also sent to my wife so she knows, I still need to do more and realize I have a problem, I want to work through this with the mother of my children, my best friend and woman I love. Gimlet I am sorry I hurt you, please let us work this out.

    • Jewels March 1, 2012, 10:57 PM

      Crazy – WishIcouldbenormal gave some great advice, so I will not touch it!

      Jen – my first thought to write was to recommend marriage counseling. You are not going to be able to heal until you know that he is committed, and because you saw a note about him leaving, along with the other women, you are probably going crazy thinking does he really want to be with me? I think counseling will help facilitate the conversation as to the state of your marriage and if it is worth working out. A key will be his ability to participate in helping to rebuild trust. If you can not afford counseling, take a look at some books on affair recovery, most of them have exercises that couples can do to help, I wish you well.

      Derrick Cheater – Hello Derrick, I appreciate your candor in sharing how you feel, it is very helpful to hear a man’s perspective in such an open way. What you describe in the beginning of how this got started makes sense. I am mad at myself for not remembering the name of this documentary, but someone was telling me of a documentary that shows how the porn industry strategically does things on purpose in order for you to get addicted so that they can get more money out of it. It’s all about money and the more they can get you addicted, the more money you spend, so your description sounds like you were part of this. So Gimlet found out, and then you stopped but continued talking to the OW that you were playing out these fantasies with. I think that most men that cheat start out thinking “I am only going to go this far” or “I can handle it” and they really can’t. So Derrick you have to keep digging and find out what the porn was giving you that hooked you. Was a sense of self worth, why was the fantasy world so appealing? Your process starts when you search within for that validation and build that up so the next time it is in your face, your foundational sense of self as a man, a father, and a overall good person will prevent you from proceeding. Keep working on yourself and analyzing your thoughts and actions, you will not regret it, and it just might save your marriage.

      So since the both of you are here, I will tell you this, I have read many many stories of affairs from this site. And there are some amazing stories of couples that stayed together and are actually very happy now. Because I read all the stories, there are a couple of reoccurring traits that I see in couples that are able to work through this. The first trait is that the husband is willing to accept responsibility for his actions, that is KEY. If he can not admit doing wrong, then it typically does not work out. Second trait is the husband is willing to put in work and effort to understand his actions and his wife’s feelings. Derrick by you coming to the site, and hopefully reading stories of the pain, you probably have a better sense of the hurt this causes, most men have no idea, so they can not understand the depth of the pain, you have a better awareness. It seems like from your writing you are really trying to analyze your behavior as well, which is good. The third trait is a willingness to do whatever it takes to rebuild trust. That means having an open relationship, like you both have with facebook now. The fourth trait is strong work ethic, because this is literally going to be hard work, to make time to work on this with life and kids, it is tough. But those that stayed and are happy put forth the work.

      And despite what you might see on the site, there are many stories of married couples that have gotten through this (with the type of husband I described just now), and every single one of them that has this type of husband, and stayed and are happy say that through this they have a deeper relationship, and have found a new love within the marriage that they did not have before. They also typically say that they have discovered things about each other that they never knew before. So if the both of you have similar feelings, you are on the right track. It takes some time, and it takes effort for both of you to work on yourself and on the marriage, because each of you have your own journey and the marriage, but with daily effort and a commitment to being open, you have a chance.

      Gimlet/Derrick – I wish the best for you, thanks for being willing to share your story, it is going to help many relationships, including your own.

  • Derrick Cheater March 2, 2012, 12:19 PM

    Jewel – Thank you for your words of encouragement. I want to express that my post was not meant to be an excuse, I have more to do, words are one thing, actions, deeds and results are another. This is an open wound, a bandaid cannot fix this. I needed to take ownership, make changes and by making these changes begin the healing process. I will not be posting often, but hope you all will learn of any progress through posts by Gimlet.

  • Bobby March 5, 2012, 1:28 PM

    Thank you for your words encouragement and kindness. As for my wife and I, I’m still holding out hope that we can work this out. I know that for us, I played a big part in this as well. I feel that when and if it happens. Something in the relationship is missing. The cheating spouse is trying to fill a void. I had become emotionally withdrawn. Do to the unexpected death of my brother and seeing the progression of alzheimer’s with my mother. I retreated from the relationship and that is when this all cam about. I’m not making excuses for either one of us but, I am saying look at how YOU could have played a part in it happening as well. . .ya know? ) I gained a lot of insight from the book “The 5 love languages.”

  • Jill March 5, 2012, 6:51 PM

    I have been with my husband for 6 years, I trusted him. Anyway, never thought in I million years he would cheat on me thru sexting. I gave him full trust to stay in my home town for two weeks with our daughter while I was and still am attending college, anyway when I was them on the weekend I asked if he received a Txt that I sent during the week he said I don’t know which one, so I grabbed his phone to look for it cause he didn’t know what I was talking about so anyway as I was going. Thru them I saw it, my heart sunk. And I asked him what is going on btween you and the ow and he told be nothing and I said it doesn’t look like nothing to me, and I started reading out loud one of them and he told me everything, and I confronted the ow and she lied, anyway, I just down understand why.
    He always told me how much he missed me and loved me and how we were talking about having more kids, and what not we were wanting to make like it was the beginning, well I started awhile ago and he said he never say it till I told him. Anyway I am still hurt and It’s been three months, and I want to understand how does someone do it when they were never distracted. I Txted him all the time I even called him nearly every night telling him how much I was happy to have him in my life, and he always said the same to me.
    O there was a time during the time he cheated he slipped, he never gave me a nick name or talked to me the way he did her never in our 6 years together I never thought he would do that.
    Why with her.
    We both are still together, and really working on it, but his friend told him that we should never talk about what happen, all I want to know is why and how he could do that. Is that a bad thing?

  • April March 6, 2012, 8:52 AM

    I found out few days ago that my husband is cheating again for the 3rd time. We have been married for 10 years. He is nearly 90% of a perfect husband and a perfect father.
    I can’t face him yet with this new knowledge. I have to get a solid proof. The last time I confront with him he has his bank statement sent to his office, his laptop and hphone also got password. It might be true but might be just some guys talking about cheap women. But my instinct keep telling me that it is true. Just few months back I got std.
    I have contacted a PI and waiting for the proposal. Not cheap but I dont want to waste time for somebody who cheat me. However, life is not that simple. We have 3 kids. I still dont know what to do when I get to know the truth

    • Jewels March 7, 2012, 1:13 AM

      Derrick Cheater – You are welcome and yes I know for sure many will be inspired by you and Gimlet.

      Bobby – Thanks for sharing, I can see how the trigger of a death ( I am sorry for your loss) as well as a sick mother could cause emotional withdraw. Many times it is those instances a loss (it could also be job loss, loss of looks/self-image) of some sort that creates a serious change in the dynamic of the relationship and cause people to go astray. You are right looking at myself from the standpoint of learning, absolutely, I can tell you right now there were many things I could of done differently. I do not talk about it much because unfortunately many men use cheating to blame the wife saying I wouldn’t of cheated if you wouldn’t have, and I do not think that is right. But I do think reflecting and evaluating your part in the breakdown is important. Love 5 love languages, it has a special sore spot for me because after the affair, I got that book and thought this would be a wonderful way for us to connect, reading or by me reading certain parts. But unfortunately he did not want to participate and it broke my heart. I’m over it now but that book is great at understanding how to love a partner.

      Jill
      – I think Derrick answered the question of why your husband never talked that way to you – he didn’t think you would go for it. Also many men think of the ‘wife’ as putting us on a pedestal where they can not have those kinky dirty conversations, which suck because of course we would rather you talk to us that way than cheat!!

      Why – you will never know the exact why. You are assuming in your comment that you had to of done something wrong for him to cheat (I txted him everyday, we communicated), his cheating may of not had anything to do with you, and everything to do with something missing in him. He could of just been greedy – who knows. In my free ebook I create a reason, and stick with it, because trying to figure out why you will go insane.

      Lastly I do not agree with your friend that said never bring it up. The reason why is because what will happen is that you will fester up resentment and frustration about it and it will eat at you. At the same time, bringing up all the time can get frustrating. Maybe you can agree to one or two heart to hearts about it where you have your questions answered and then you agree to not keep asking about the event surrounding the affair (who she is why, ect.) But you should be able to talk to him at anytime about how you are feeling, rebuilding trust and rebuilding the marriage.

      April
      – You just said exactly what I was going to say in the last sentence. Once you find out, then what? I know you have kids, I know it is such a tough call in that case, but at the same time, you have to figure out within yourself what is the breaking point of leaving. This is the 3rd time and a std later, what is going to be the thing that causes you to leave? If you are not going to leave if you catch him again, that is fine, this is your life and you have the choice to stay because of kids, and money, or whatever reason, I will not judge you either way. But if you do, protect yourself, you know what he is doing. And make such if you stay or leave do it from a position of confidence, because if you choose to stay because you are stuck or feel you can not leave, that is not going to be a good life for you, no matter what having him around brings to your life. Take care – hugs to you.

  • abc123 March 8, 2012, 12:06 PM

    How did you find out? My husband locks his phone and it has work email on it, so I have no access.

  • Mary March 9, 2012, 10:49 AM

    I got married when I was 22, twenty eight years ago to a hundsome intelligent man. By that time iwas a student at the univesity. He gave me full support and i finished my 1st and 2nd degree smoothly.
    Generally my hubby is a very nice guy and I can say family man, he supports me in everything i want to do , he has supported all my 4 children and they are all happy.
    I never imagined that my husband would ever cheat on me.
    The first encounter is when he brought his laptop at home after buying a new one. By this time I was on sick leave resting at home i underwent heteroscetomy. I decided to check mail, but then i found another folder with my hubbys mail, mmh when i opened it I got shock of my life. He was exchanging emails with his friends daughter whom she assisted to go to the US for the study and the girls e mail was saying”” ohh I love you so much I still remember your love… when I left the hotel room…ohh I will always love you…iam already at the states…I will call you..do not worry I will call you when you are at the office…so your wife will not be there…then my husbands reply was… ilove you too….I was so devastated and very impatient, when he came home, I said to him I know taht you are having an affair, but he did not admit.. when i showed him the mails he said no is nothing..i asked what about her leaving a hotel room…he said ooh it was that ladies relatives who had a suit in a hotel for bussiness meeting, that is a total lier, and he has never admitted. One day i prepared an email address which resembles with this lady and sent a message to my hubby, i pretended to be the Girl, believe me he responded emotionally saying ooh so we can start our friendship afresh.., ithink later on he called her and realised that it was not the girls message, and he complained to me that what i did was not right but still denying not to have an affair with this girl, since she was far away in the States i convinced myself that the relationship will die. But the parents of this Girl are visiting us once in a while and when I see them i become so angry and it is like they have ruined my day..but I have not told them. Shoul I tell them?
    In this folder I also saw another mail from my hubby to a woman they met while attending a seminar in Uganda, where they were exchanging love msgs, myhusband is saying “I cant stop thinking of you…. “. This made me so insecure and therefore I was always on his phone whenever he left it.
    One sunday my hubby went to a burber shop, unfortunately he left his phone, and a message came ..i took it and when i read the msg it says” I miss you so much, you are becoming unfair to me when you are at home with your wife you completely ignoring me….” I was so mud, i blame myself for being very impatient, so when he came back i confronted him, he said no iam not having an affair, is just a frustrated girl, we met when she came to my office for consultation and her name is isabella etc etc he lied to me and i believed him. But I followed up his phone just to realise that they are exchanging a lot of luv msgs, and I went to the mobile phone providers paid some money and I got all information about this girl. her name isnot isabella.actually she was an untern at my hubbys office, i was so hurt and frustrated, I decided to send a polite msg asking this girl to leave my husband alone .. then she replied by saying ” the voice of a frog will not stop Elephant from drinking water in a shallow well” and she sent so many msgs insulting me that iam a useless woman I do not know how make a man happy on bed and a lot of insults.. I cried… my hubby was out of Nairobi the city we are living so I fowarded all those text msgs to him and he just said she has no right to insult you, but I was very bitter, I once took my husbnd’s pistol and went to the office where this girl was working I was ready to kill her and kill myself…unfortunately or fortunately she was no longer working in that office..so I went back home and cried a lot. I asked my hubby to leave this girl and one day she called her and said ” our relationship is over..do not call or send any msgs again to me, I was seated just by his side..believe me he was lying one day he went for bussiness trip to another town and came home late without passing to his office.. my instincts said check in his briefcase.. you know what he had a secret handset and a phone number which i did not know…so i locked myself in adifferent room, the same girl he said he has ended a relationship was comminicating with him in this secret number… I felt like dying..they were calling each other 3 to 4 times a day and a lot of love text msgs…if it were you what would you do? In this secret no he was also communicating with his secretary after midnight talking for 45 minutes, then there was another msg saying “my love are you back” from a young colleague in his office.iam telling you iwas so devastated and i was wondering whether to leave him.. but at the same time i loved him andI did not know what to do.
    Now the last blow, Iwas hospitalised, but after 3 days discharged, however I was not soo well.
    after I was discharged my hubby said he has to travel to another town for a bussiness trip, and requested me that it is very important for him to go.
    I agreed, he left early in the morning and he sent several msgs to check on me and telling me that he loves me.. After midnight i received a msg saying “Hi Rose thank you for taking the courage tonight, iam sorry that i had to leave to protect you lest i overslept, but be assured that I love you soo much and will always love you”” then I replied why are you sending Rose msgs to me? he replied who is rose, then i kept quite i was nealy dying…then later he called saying ooh that msg was sent to my phone by a colleague by mistake and iwas sending it back to him unfortunately it came to you. he was definetly lying. when he came home iwent to his phone finding so many msgs from Rose..like “you are special to me mwaah mwaah” and also some dirty photos inhis email from Rose. So I called rose number….only to find out it is my friends number and her husband my husbands good friend.
    I sent a msg to her asking why she is sending love msgs to my hubby she said ooh he is just a friend and no affair. way back one of my other friend said to me, Mary be careful Rose is having affair with your husband, but I didnt believe because this Roseis saved she potrays herself as commited to Jesus. But after that msg.. I definetly new that something is wrong. my hubby said” it is true there was a time we were very close but now the relationship has stopped’ and he apologized. However I took an effort to meet with my friend so that we can talk but she has made it impossible for us to meet. and she sent a msg to my hubby saying your wife is crazzy no wonder she has peptic ulcers” So I used to sendvery strong emails asking her why she has betrayed me but she kept on denying and copying all the msgs to her husbands mail. very manipulating and hypocrite woman..she now goes around telling her friends and mine and relatives that iam accusing her having an affair with my hubby.
    She even went to my sister in law telling her that iam harrasing her by calling her phone 2 to 4 times a day and even past midnight something which i iam not doing. I was so angry and i wanted to report her to police for harrassment and wrong accusations but a my hubby requested me not to do that and he hired an investigator to see the truth only to find out the number which was calling her frequently is not mine it has last 2 digits like mine, so it is like she was looking at the number fast only last digits.
    What is also making me so angry my sister in law said to me you should leave Rose alone stop harrasing her, is she the only woman who has slept with your hubby.. afterall forgive her infidelity is a seen just like stealing.. geting angry etc”.imagine this is a lenedy woman on her late 60’s , so she believed Rose without even doing the research to know the truth. Now Iam receiving insulting anonymus msgs, which mentions Rose name, I have decided that I will go to her pastor to ask her to stop sending insulting text msgs to me, i believe it is her. My fellow Women in a situation like this what would you do, I have been submitting myself to him but i have been faking the the orgasm for the last 4 years, everytime i sleep with him isee those women of his, iam torn apart should I leave him at my age of 50 or not but iam afraid I will run crazy..unfortunately in my country it is not easy to see a councillor help me before fere i die..I need my hapiness back. I always pretend that everything is normal with him but in actual fact it is not true, iam sure he believes that everything is ok.

  • Lee March 9, 2012, 2:12 PM

    WEll it has happened to me again. It started in 2004, he says it started physical and then he stopped it because he couldn’t do it without feeling guilty, but the emotional affair went on for at least 5 years. He left home for a few months, but swore it was over and came back.
    Now this past november 3 years later, I find an email from him to her. Are you kidding me! I told him I wasn’t gonna do this again, and he supposedly wrote her an email, (which he deleted, of course) saying it wasn’t fair to me so she wouldn’t be hearing from him anymore.
    Well guess what? It never stopped. This time I am done. I just need some good evidence before I boot him. This is the hardest thing. I am so sick, exhausted and so stressed I can’t focus.
    He has been going to a town nearby for the past 5 Saturdays for a couple hours. He has no reason to be there. Tomorrow I am going to try to find him and see what he is up too!
    The thing that I find the hardest is the stupid smart phones. He can do so much on it without me ever knowing. He can now go online and text her without it showing up on his phonebill. They have numbers that noone else knows. It is called textfor free. How the heck do you ever stop that???? I found out because he deleted an email when he forgot his password. Unbelievable. He works so hard to contact her without me knowing it.

    Just needed to vent I guess. I just need this to be done. I still love him. We have been together for 24 years. This really sucks.

  • CJ March 12, 2012, 8:49 PM

    My husband signed up for a matching website to find a woman to have sex with. I found out in October about this. He wouldn’t tell me the woman’s name. I first found out about the whole thing by reading a text on his phone. I saved her phone number at that time, thinking it might be useful. I didn’t find anything at that time when I searched by phone number. Last week I tried again and found out her full name. From there the info just started falling into my lap. This woman’s life is pretty much an open book, with Facebook and her job. No surprise that she lives nowhere near the place that my husband told me she lived. She has a job that is public service and I’m pretty sure that no one knows that she has advertised herself on the internet for sex. I’m sure she is a respected woman and has a lot of family in the area. I read and printed out copies of emails between her and my husband and have also have documents of the messages sent between them when they first met on this website. I’ve also checked bank records and pretty much know his pattern of going to see her because he puts gas in his vehicle using his debit card at the same place every time he is in her town. There’s no reason for him to be going to that town, which is an hour out of the way from anywhere he goes, so it reasonable to think that he’s going just to see her. He’s spent money, and over-drawn our account to go see her, while leaving my son and I with $20 to live on for a week. I’ve printed out everything I found and have given a copy to a trusted friend to keep in case he finds my copy and destroys it. My question is: How long do I sit on this info? And would any of it be useful in a divorce? He has no idea that I know all that I know! I’m not planning on divorcing him anytime soon or making it easy if he decides he wants a divorce. I need his income. I was going to just let him keep on, and documenting everything that shows where he is seeing her. Since he knows that I know what’s going on he obviously has no plans to stop seeing her and I’ve pretty much decided that there is no hope for our marriage since he’s not feeling any guilt. I’ve thought about staking out the area when I think he might be there, but since it is 3 hours from where I live, that’s a long way to go and him not show up at that time. I’ve thought of the looks on their faces if I showed up unexpectedly. It would probably be priceless.

    • Jewels March 13, 2012, 9:42 PM

      Abc123 – His phone was unlocked. He kept it with him all the time though, and one day he left it at home by accident.

      Mary – My heart goes out to you. Clearly, your husband is cheating and it is breaking your heart. First thing I will tell you is that his cheating is not worth your life. His cheating is his cheating is his cheating – meaning that is a reflection of him, not you. Your kids need you and you are so much more than just a wife, know that and believe that. His cheating does not define you as a woman. You are still a strong, beautiful wife, regardless of his actions. It seems like your husband is the type that cheats, even after he was caught, he still continues, which is common. I know you are in Kenya, and I am not sure how divorce is looked upon, but at one point, you are going to have to evaluate your options. Are you going to live with him, and keep confronting him on the cheating? As you know that is very stressful life. Are you going to accept that he cheats, and still be married because you cannot divorce for whatever reasons? Or would you leave, and maybe as family to help?

      Like I said, I know you are doing to have to consider cultural aspects into your decision, but the way it is now where you are constantly fighting with him to stop cheating is not working. And I know you try to talk to the OW, but honestly, if it is not that ‘one’, he will find another.

      It’s such a tough situation all around but stay strong, and remember, he cheated. Do not do anything to jeopardize yourself for him, not worth it – you have too much living to do! Take Care!

      Lee – That does suck that he never stopped. 8 years is a long time. But it seems like you are done, just looking to complete and find evidence. I know it is disappointing and you will grieve the loss of the marriage, but also realize that will be a new beginning for you, one that is full of possibilities if you are open to it. Hugs to you!

      CJ – As far as sitting on the info, it depends on your purpose. I do know where you live but if you are in the USA, I know you might be able to get a free lawyer consultation around divorce, just to get some of your questions answered. I know you are sitting on it, just make sure if you do have sex with him to protect yourself. I remember times where our joint account would be low because of spending money on her – so frustrating. But hang in there and consult a lawyer so you have all the information you need to make the best decision when it is time for you to do so.

  • Mary March 15, 2012, 8:12 AM

    Thank you for encouraging words, you know what, I cant think straight, I cannot concentrate at work, at the same time I love him but his actions (cheating) hurt me soo much. I just need some strategies on how to move on with life, I cant divorce him..I love him..or am I stupid? i just do not want what happenned to ruin my beautiful future…I feel that I deserve happiness but how? For how long am I going to pretend that Iam happy while iam not..where did I go wrong..I have tried all the best to be a good wife and mother to my children..worse I could not imagine that my hubby could have an affair with a friend or his friends wife…no ..it ..she is not even that beautiful,imagine there were a time they were going shopping together, lunching together, she used to visit him at his office in the evening pretending that she was doing consultation since they are coming from the same proffession..mhh what an excuse,the trick of this dirty woman was to call his husband and tell him that she was with my husband for lunch or whatever..pretending that she was transparent to her husband while she knew she was was cheating on him

  • Gimlet March 15, 2012, 8:51 AM

    Mary, Know that we are all thinking of you and hoping you find your way to happiness soon.

  • Stressed to the MAXX March 15, 2012, 4:31 PM

    I am stressed and hurt, angry and tired! I found him sending pics on his phone to a “friend” of a friend. He tried to tell me it was a JOKE…REALLY??? Cuz I am that DUMB! No I am not! I can’t eat, nor sleep. I am a walking zombie, today I broke out in HIVES all over (stress does awful things to our body!) I have lost 11 pounds in 10 days, I look a mess and I can hardly even speak to people with out crying!! We have 3 wonderful kids a home and what I thought was a good life. He says its nothing and I need to get over it. I feel like I am going crazy!

  • Kenneth Pinyan March 16, 2012, 5:49 AM

    I’m not sure it’s fair to blame the man for all of your problems. If he feels the need to cheat on you then perhaps you are to blame. If your husband does not feel able to talk about his sexual desires with you then that almost certainly demonstrates an inability to communicate in your relationship. When I cheated on my wife it was because she wouldn’t listen to all of my fantasies.

    • Jewels March 16, 2012, 11:07 PM

      Hello Kenneth,

      I know it might appear that I am blaming the man for all of my problems, but I am not doing so at all. Of course, I was not a perfect wife. Of course there were problems with communications, and of course I played a part in the demise of the marriage. But what I will not take accountability for is someone else’s actions. You cheated on your wife, you have to take responsibility for that. Yes, your wife did not listen to all of your fantasies (and if that was her only fault, she was a darn good wife), but that does not give you a ‘cheat for free’ card because she would not listen. If a kid steals from the store because the mom said no, do we blame the mom?? No, so in this case, why are men not taking responsibility for their actions? I can give you a list things they could have done other than cheat, the first one being divorce. If it was that bad that she did not listen to your fantasies, why not divorce? Why lie to her face, potentially give her STDs, and all because she did not listen to your fantasies? Cheaters have to take responsibility. Yes, I make major mistakes in the marriage, but I will not take blame for someone lying to me, and disrespecting me, telling me they love me and texting another girl another minute, because I did not listen to your fantasies? Did I play out all my fantasies with my husband – NO. But I didn’t say to myself – well I am going to go out and cheat because my every single need is not being met. But maybe men are different.

      And yes, men always play out their nasty fantasies with the OW often time because they are embarrassed to share that with the wife, not because we are not open to it. My husband would not dare do certain things I suggested, but with the OW, he did things that I was sure he would not want to do with me. Wife and the OW are treated differently from a sexual standpoint (not all the time but most of the time).

  • Mary March 18, 2012, 8:07 AM

    Gimlet,
    Thank you for encouraging words.
    last night I tried to talk to my Hubby that I really feel depressed and stressed and I want my happiness back. I was asking him to assist me get regain my happpiness, And he said my problem is that I do not forgive and forget and that Iam looking for troubles by checking his mails and messages.
    But imagine he has cheated on me so many times whether it was only love messages on phones and emails or whether he meant what he did ..I dont know. and most of the time he did not admit his mistakes, I feel that he thinks iam a stupid woman…For him it is like why discuss issues which has passed away, Iasked him “do you realise that your actions have hurt me soo much,” he said :”Yes I do But iam also hurt because I thought when i told you the truth about this woman(one of episodes) you would calm down and it was a process of healing” He was not happy why I took initiative to ask this woman..Ofcouse she was my friend and she betrayed me.. I think I had the right to ask her and since this woman pretends that she did not have an affair and she keeps telling relatives and friends that Iam accusing her for having an affair with my hubby it means she is spreading news about this issue and my hubby thinks that his name has been turnished because of me, again iam blamed with no good reason, not this other woman..My fellow women iam so hurt I just pray that I will not reach a stage of taking antidepressant
    Mary

  • Gimlet March 18, 2012, 8:51 AM

    Mary, I feel sad for you your heart aches I understand. Anti depressants are for people who have some type of chemical imbalance that leaves them depressed for no particular reason. You are depressed because someone you love is hurting you no pill will fix that. You cannot make your husband change he must do that .Perhaps you can help him want to change I don’t know he seems unwilling to be open with you. I think what you must do is concentrate on yourself do things that make you happy and gain strength with each accomplishment you make. You may find that he is less important to your happiness than you thought. Either way I will be thinking of you and wishing you happiness. Just know that you are not alone we are all in this together.

  • Lee March 18, 2012, 9:15 AM

    Well, week number one alone and I thought I was doing as well as can be expected, but this morning I had a total meltdown.

    I think deep down I think he just needs time. I am trying not to be hopeful, but it’s hard. I am afraid that it may truly be over and I am not sure I can deal with that.

    I miss my best friend. I miss our talks. The pain today is to much. I am trying to keep busy, but I can’t possibly spend money. I don’t know. I guess I just needed to vent. My heart is in so much pain.

  • Gimlet March 18, 2012, 11:22 AM

    Lee, Sorry you’re having a bad day. You might try taking a walk if weather permits or do some activities you like to help keep your mind off things, you know anything to give you a mental break. My husband leaves today for a week. I think it will be a long one for me but my boys will keep me busy. Thinking of you and wishing you peace of mind.

  • Lee March 18, 2012, 5:10 PM

    Thanks Gimlet. I did a lot of yard work today. I have the blisters to prove it. It kept my mind busy for a while.
    I know I will get through this, I just miss my best friend. It just hurts so damn bad!

  • Gimlet March 18, 2012, 8:45 PM

    Funny my best friend just left and I miss him too. Glad you got outside today. I’m not a very good gardener but I do find it very peaceful and relaxing. Maybe I’ll take your lead and get out there this week while he’s away. Thanks for the idea. Have a great week.

  • Trish March 21, 2012, 11:41 AM

    I just found out my husband cheated on me last week and I am a complete basket case. I have yet to get angry instead I am hurt and lost and doubting myself and what I did wrong. He always said he could never do anything like this to me, but why????

  • Gimlet March 26, 2012, 10:27 AM

    Trish, All your feelings are normal the doubt and hurt are something we all struggle with. Read the stories here and you’ll gain insight and strength from the others sharing your struggle. Please know you have done nothing wrong this is his behavior not yours. We all have problems in our marriages and we need to be honest about ourselves and what we have done right and wrong but that does not excuse anything. If your husband failed you in some way did you go out and cheat? No of course not. There is hope if you can both be honest and really work on things together. Right now though you need to take care of yourself first do whatever makes you feel good about yourself. Go for a walk ,engage in some long forgotten hobby that you love and probably gave up to focus on your partner or family. Find a way to love yourself. You deserve it. Best of wishes to you.

  • Bayou gal March 27, 2012, 11:32 PM

    Well ladies I pulled a fast one this weekend.

    First a little history. I’ve always suspected my husband (28yrs, 4 kids, 3 grandkids), but I was always too busy with the kids, work, etc., really I had my head buried in the sand not wanting to see the truth.

    Well I caught him on June 2, 2011. He had been traveling a lot for business and something was just off in our relationship. For some reason, I had this nagging feeling to check his phone early sat am when he got home. I found a picture of a woman (using that term lightly) with the message preying for you send me my picture of the willie…..xoxoxoxo. I was floored. I handled it completely wrong of course I stormed in the bedroom screaming and yelling like a possessed person. I got on his online account and found out that he had been having this affair (which he still won’t admit too) since feb. About 6000 calls/text, even when we were on our anniversary get away. I’m still floored. We decided to work to try to work it out, but I’m having a very hard time trusting him. In fact I don’t trust him for a sec. He has this guy thing where I’m not going to treat him like a kid and check up on him. He keeps 2 phones, one I have access to, the other I don’t. He has it password protected. (I’ll get into it don’t worry). I even have a secret gps on his phone. This year has been tough, but we have made it. I haven’t found any signs that he’s seeing her or anyone for that matter.

    This weekend I had his phone (you know the one I can have access to) and thursday pm there was a message from a girl that was a social acquaintance in another town we lived I . It said Hi —— call me —. Well what did I do? I text back —- who? She text back and kept going from there. I went on with this for 3 days. First I wanted to see where this was going to go, but it was her pursuing him. He really didn’t do anything this time. The girl is bf with my sil, so of course I called her to let her know what is going on, and also she is going through a divorce from a previous marriage that she broke up. So this is her mo. Well I kept this up for 3 days just letting her talk. Saying when are you coming to –, call me, remember the old times, etc. I just kept saying nothing. Finally on Sunday I had enough. I outed her to my mom (her FB friend) my sil, my bro, and her mom. I called her names and told her just what I thought of women who pursue married men, honestly she got it for all of the ones before her. But it felt so good shutting it down! If she really knew him she would of called on his “girlfriend” phone. She didn’t she was just throwing darts hoping something would stick. She tried to say I misunderstood, but I called her out on that too. I was relentless! But you know if he didn’t have that reputation this wouldnt of been a problem. It did return some of my power though!

  • Lee March 28, 2012, 8:03 PM

    Bayou , I feel for you. I had tHe hardest time trusting my h after I found out. His affair starters as sexual then turned emotional. He was so attached to her, he couldn’t break away. Finally in 2008 it was over, but I still had trust issues. I kept an eye on his phone, but he actually finally ended it.
    Fast forward 3 years, he runs into her, that was all it took. This past July they started talking again. They would occasionally meet, but talked and text. She has a boyfriend, he insists they are just friends. I believe there is no sex, but I know he has feelings for her and I believe he is addicted to her. Of course she just eats it up. She craves the attention. What a freakin nightmare.
    He moved out 3 weeks ago. Why? Because he is bored, seriously? Instead of trying to go to counseling or talk to me to figure this out, he takes the easy road and moves out.
    I so want to bring her down. I want her to hurt like I do. She is slime, she has restraining orders out on former boyfriends. She just wants any mans attention she can get, and my H is stuck in her web.
    So I know where your coming from. Finding trust is the hardest thing to do. Just when I finally started trusting, he blows it! Unbelievable.
    Good luck to you, I hope he can be trusted. Mpersonallyni think midlife has a lot to do with it.

  • mary March 30, 2012, 7:32 AM

    I too recently found out this is what my husband was doing. It had been going on for 4 months or so before i even found out and it was by accident she sent him a message wanting to know if he was home alone and i happend to have the phone at the time. Then everything came out and he lied about it at first until i had the proof right there in black and white and what hurt the most is that she was not an attractive lady and very disgusting. That was a blow to me. I am still so disgusted with him i dont know if i will ever let him in my house again.

    • Jewels March 30, 2012, 10:15 PM

      Bayou – Very interesting, I know that was empowering for you. What I also found interesting is that you have intell on how women pursue married men and how they try to pull the husband, that info is good to know, because in having that we can understand what is going on better when our husband’s engage with this type of person.

      Lee
      – sorry – that sucks that you work so hard to repair, and then he runs into her and they get back together. At this point, I would let him go, he is probably blocking you from meeting someone that will really care for you and treat you right, which is what you deserve.

      Mary
      – texting will tell all. I know you are angered by her looks, but when men cheat, it typically has little to do with looks, contrary to what people think. Some men cheat because they want another women to call them attractive, doesn’t matter what she looks like. If she is not attractive, then she might have low self esteem, and some women with low self-esteem would easily sleep with a married man, as long as it made them feel good.

  • moda April 7, 2012, 12:44 PM

    This is how I caught my significant other. He went from a man who didn’t know how to even enter a Contact into his phone – and had to have me do it for him – to someone who sent 10 text messages a day to his new woman. A man who had about 80 phone calls a month – to a man who had about 400 a month.
    And when I asked him what all the new calls and text messages were about, he said he was texting 4 people; even gave me 4 names. I said I was going to ask the carrier for a detailed list and asked him if there were going to be a lot of messages to just one number. He said there wouldn’t be. Out of all his TM’s, only 3 were to anybody but HER. 10 a day – and only 1 msg in the entire month was to me.
    He STILL tried to deny it when it was right there before him in black and white.
    Cheaters ALWAYS LIE.

  • Mary April 17, 2012, 5:13 AM

    Frankly speaking, I am still so hurt , I feel like i have forgiven my hubby. But my problem is when I meet this woman on family gatherings,(we do not speak to each other) all bad memories come back. I start having negative thinking, planning to hurt her, feel like i should throw a stone to her, and after seeng her for a whole week I would not sleep well, no concentration at work and i feel like I am ruining my life. But I cant help the situation. I have so much pain in me.

    • Jewels April 19, 2012, 12:25 AM

      Mary – I can not imagine having to run into the OW occasionally, that must be really hard. Here is a frame of mind that might help (you can help the situation with your thoughts). Next time that happens where you are in the same presence, say to yourself ‘she does not deserve, nor is she worth my thoughts.’ At the end of the day, she really isn’t worth it. Say this to yourself over and over again until it is so ingrained in your thoughts, that next time you see her, you do not want to think about her, because you have more important things to think and worry about. Hugs to you.

      Moda – sorry to hear your situation. Some cheaters will site right in front of you and lie and deny even though all the evidence is there, I do not know what that is, but it is extremely frustrating to have some evidence of an affair and still flat out deny, it’s like COME ON!!

  • Trish April 19, 2012, 10:03 PM

    My husband admitted to cheating on me about a month a go now. For several weeks it seemed we were going to work things out but then he came clean and said he was still talking to her and that he was going on a cruise with her. The fact is he is still my husband, no papers have been filed and what’s the hardest part is I miss him and still love him terribly. Our situation happened so fast, I have already moved into a new apartment and can’t imagine a life without him. So many people around me cannot understand why I still want him back and why I am not angry yet and I do not have a good answer!

  • Gimlet April 20, 2012, 7:26 AM

    Trish, So sorry for your pain. I can’t imagine what your husband is thinking. I wonder if he really understands how his actions have harmed you. Continuing to speak to the OW while being with you is disrespectful and maybe you should call him out on it . Sometimes men like children need those guidelines. Perhaps your loving and forgiving him so quickly have led him to think he can do whatever he pleases and keep his options open. You need to focus on yourself and do what is best for you don’t make this too easy for him. Set your boundaries and let him know that as his wife you deserve respect and that you can not respect yourself by allowing him to continue to hurt you this way, that you have to do what is best for you to heal. Let him know that you still love him but that you will not be waiting with open arms for him and that you will move on if need be so he should be sure he is willing to live with the consequences of his actions. A strong confident woman is very appealing. This is just my suggestion only you know your husband and must decide how to handle things. It’s good that you are able to move out and be independant I think it will help you grow strong quicker . These other women are fantasies, when day to day life with someone starts then their reality hits. I suspect your husband will be missing you soon enough.Well you have come to the right place all you will find here is love and support and trust me that helps. Good luck to you.

  • mary April 23, 2012, 3:11 PM

    Jewels
    Thanks so much for your encouraging words. I try to use the tactics. But iam not sure if iam going to be happy again.

    • Jewels April 28, 2012, 11:16 AM

      Mary, your welcome. Keep fighting for your happiness, it might not come now, but it you keep at it, you will get there. Hugs to you!

  • moda May 4, 2012, 8:44 PM

    @ Jewels from USA – You’re right. I don’t know how someone can continue to lie and deny AND expect to be believed. I confronted him on Feb 4th, and the only thing he ever did was compound his lie!
    I only list all of this to illustrate for others what lenths a good liar will go to… First, he listed 4 people who were total fabrications. Then, when I showed him the print-out, he said it was a MISTAKE. Then, when I told him I knew it was a girl, he said she was just a FRIEND. About 2 weeks later, he said he was just trying to talk her into going back to her husband! And, believe it or not, that is the story he ended up sticking to. Of course, I didn’t buy any of it. By then, I was already out.
    He tried to tell me he had never touched this woman. All of the lies told me otherwise. In my mind, it quacked a lot like a duck. Wouldn’t you think?

  • Lee May 5, 2012, 8:15 AM

    They are soooo good at lying! It’s like they can do it without even thinking about it! I also think that they actually believe there own lies!

    My H “friend”. Filed a complaint with the police dept because I sent her a text that called her a name! Seriously she can do that? But she can be seeing my husband for years but I can’t file a complaint about that?
    My friends think she must know a cop, because otherwise they would not have called me about a non threatening text!
    What really ticks me off is my H will probably still talk to her even though she did this to me, he even asked her not to go to the cops but she did anyway!

  • Melville May 6, 2012, 8:43 AM

    I just read through more than 300 texts between my husband and his girlfriend. He got drunk last night and left his secret cell phone in his pocket. They love each other!! I am devastated and don’t know what to do. We own a business together and that is my only source of income. He promised to always love me and take care of me.

  • Gimlet May 6, 2012, 12:25 PM

    Melville, So sorry I know exactly how you feel my husband had a mostly EA with another woman and evev said the L word once he dropped her like a hort potato when I found out. He said he was in a fantasy and would say anything to maybe get the chance of sex. He didn’t mean it and your husband probably doesn’t either. Try to calm yourself as much as is possible ( I know how difficult that sounds) then think about what your next step is. We will all be here to support you. My husband had seen your post he may have something to say if that can help you gain some insight.

  • Derreck Cheater May 6, 2012, 12:53 PM

    Melville – I am not sure if the situation is similar to what I had become involved in, but after my wife and I began the healing process, and I looked back at what I had done, I was “in Love” with the idea of the situation and not the person, if that makes sense. Where I was it could have been anyone I was saying that to, there was nothing like what I have with my wife and communication helped me realize that. The OW and I work in the same industry, and that was it. I have an entire life incommon with my wife and communication, which was absent before the “discovery” has now been re-established. It has taken both of us working together to move towards a better place, a new place. I know things will never be the same, it is an injury that while it does heal, leaves a scar, which will fade but never go away. I hope this provides some encouragement, communication is important, it will help both of you to discover the why, and provide direction towards healing.

  • Lee May 6, 2012, 3:41 PM

    Gimlet, wow you were very lucky your husband came right back to you after his EA. My husband cannot get over his EA. It’s like she is his drug. He moved out 2 months ago. He is still no where in his alone time! He is realizing that ow isn’t that great although he has been her “friend” for years.

    He left me because he needed space. He told me he tried very hard in our marriage. BS I said a marriage is 2 people not 3 so don’t tell me you tried, that’s crap!
    Trying to focus on me, not get to wrapped up in HIS problems, although its tough. He cant stay away from his life here.

  • Melville May 6, 2012, 6:18 PM

    Gimlet and Derreck: Thanks for the words of encouragement. I did confront him and he denied, denied, denied until I quoted verbatim some of the texts I read. He then said I shouldn’t have been snooping it only hurt me. Of course, he also said the ow didn’t mean anything and he loves only me. He claims he wants to work things out and stay together yet he sighed when I asked him to read a book about recovering from infidelity – he hates to read. I explained if he really wants to try he needs to make an effort to “get it”.

  • moda May 6, 2012, 7:11 PM

    Melville – He is upset with you for snooping? He is still lying and denying and you are still giving him chance after chance? And trying to get him to read a book – but he is sighing like a child? But he says he wants to work it out? Honey, he should be coming to you begging for forgiveness, telling you he was wrong, admitting to his mistake and fully confessing. He has no intention of working things out. He just wants you to turn a blind eye on all of this. He wants you to shut your pretty little mouth about it. Sorry, my dear. But these are not the signs of a man who truly wants to make a go of it, in my opinion.

  • Derreck Cheater May 6, 2012, 7:33 PM

    Melville – What Moda says unfortunately could be true. I realize I am giving you a male perspective, and yes he maybe trying to have his cake and eat it too, bad metaphor but any way, you need to stay on him, get him to read the postings on this site, it took me a while to understand the extent of what I had done and by reading here, I realized that infidelity is like an electrical burn, there may not be damage on the surface, but as the current travels deeper that is where the damage is done. My wife has the text conversation I was having, I wish she never saw them, but then I would have continued my fantasy life. She has them, and I have not asked her to delete them, that has to be her decision, I have to show by my actions that they were just a fantasy. This site has made a big difference for both of us. Ask him to read here, and then see what he does.

  • moda May 6, 2012, 11:02 PM

    Thank you for the male perspective, Derreck Cheater.

    Here’s another way of looking at this – How can he expect your forgiveness when he hasn’t even asked for it? It is not up to you to just automatically forgive him. So what if he hates to read? He has some homework to do, baby.
    Perhaps just the reading of a book isn’t enough. He’s in the doghouse, for crying out loud! After all, he has a secret cell phone with expressions of love between him and another woman… i.e. He has been cheating on you. Are you willing to accept this? Or to let him off with just a simple reading assignment?

  • Trish May 6, 2012, 11:10 PM

    So I have been going through this for 2 months exactly now. My husband who we are still legally married.. Is having a very open affair. When he admitted to cheating on me we went the next month of one day we were working on this and the next day we weren’t. He chose to go on a 2 week cruise with her and has since been back. I have already moved into a new apartment by myself. What’s sad is he has yet to file papers but tells everyone else he has. He is drinking a bottle plus a day of vodka. And I know the man he is now is not the man I fell in love with. The OW is moving here next month and they are going to live together but yet we are still legally married. The whole situation is so messed up!

    • Jewels May 7, 2012, 12:55 AM

      Melville/Trish

      Melville – welcome. I will tell you, what your husband is doing is very normal from my perspective of hearing hundreds of stories. Many lie and deny at first – very common. It is typically the first reaction – saying you should not of looked at my stuff, I cannot tell you how many wives on this site has heard that line – literally hundreds, it is a way of projecting the issue onto you, again common.

      If he reads the book, that will give him some perspective, men typically have NO idea how painful this is, no idea at all, so maybe him seeing the site or book might open his eyes.

      And do not feel bad if you do not know if you will stay or leave – trust me, most do not jump and leave right away, some do, but the overwhelming majority wait a while. Because of the mental state you are in, I typically do not recommend making any marriage decisions at this point. Just observe, and listen to your husband. Is he remorseful, still in denial, is he willing to lead the effort of recovery or just do what you ask? These are all things you will have to observe. One of the biggest things you will need to determine is if he wants to stay married because he does not want to lose the ‘image’ of being a husband, or he does not want to lose you.

      At this point, it still hasn’t registered for him the magnitude of what you saw, once it hits him, you will know, and then you can truly start to evaluate what you want to do next.

      Best of luck, good thing is you have support to help you every step of the way!! Hugs to you!

      Trish - It’s unfortunately that your husband is now drinking, many women have had alcohol be a factor in cheating. I know it might be hard, and I might of said this to you before, but him leaving (or you moving out) is good. He could of lied to you in your face (even more than he already has) about staying with you, and while you are trying to work things out, he continues to see her. Typically how this plays out is once they start living together, fairly tale over, real life will creep in, and by the time your husband realizes it, too late. Take Care!

  • Trish May 7, 2012, 1:25 AM

    What’s sad is he is so messed up right now that he is telling people he has already filed which he hasn’t. I have told him countless times he may think his relationship with this OW is going to work but it’s not. He literally looked at me 2 weeks ago and said please don’t anything with your rings bc in 2 yrs I want to be able to come back to you and we live the life we planned!

  • Melville May 7, 2012, 10:14 AM

    Thanks for the words of wisdom. He did read some of the book and became frustrated when he read the part that I (the wife he betrayed) will never get over his betrayel. I said, right – I won’t ever get over it but we can move on. He wants that too (or so he says). He is very remorseful, loves only me and can’t explain why he cheated when we have such a great life together other than he is going through a mid-life crisis. I suggested he seek counseling for his issues – he has a very obsessive personality and I believe he may even be bipolar. He says he feels like a 80 lb gorilla is sitting on his chest. I told him it is probably his guilt. My son-in-law has offered to install a GPS tracker in his truck so I can monitor him. I actually feel guilty about doing that – I am such a smuck! I have told him the affair has to end and if it doesn’t we are through. I don’t want to waste my time on him if he is not willing to give up his “girlfriend”. She is a beautiful 42 yr old divorced mother of two teenagers. This has only been going on for 3 weeks before I caught him. She was showing people his picture and saying he was her boyfriend!! He claims she knows he is married – I wonder what he told her about our marriage though. Finding out might only hurt me worse. Have any of you called or confronted the OW?

  • moda May 7, 2012, 10:03 PM

    I did not call or confront, and wouldn’t really recommend it. Even though we are probably all tempted to do so, what would it accomplish? My guess is that you would probably only be met with lies, in the best case scenario. I can’t see anything good coming out of it, but that’s just my opinion.

  • Mary July 2, 2012, 12:35 PM

    My husband sent a text to me by mistake that was meant for the ow. I have been married to this man for 33 years. I still feel he is texting and talking to her, as he keeps a pass code on his phone, and will not let me touch his phone. He becomes mad when I ask him why he does this. I am thinking about leaving him, he says he does not want a divorce and will not go to her if I divorce him. I am so unhappy and hurt. What should I do?

  • Mike d October 30, 2012, 1:30 PM

    Caught my woman of nine years texting a guy I met I a treatment center .I was at home two weeks and got a big surpries.the roomate I had ther is standing in my living room .my girlfriend invited him to live with us . I finde out the first week they have been texting for three weeks .so onenmite I went through her phone to finde out ther both lieing to me saying to eachother we wll act and pretend we haven’t talkd all day for tow weeks solid .as she is and he is makeing sexual jesturs behind my back and playin they haven’t talkd all day .how can I forgive my friend or girlfriend they have been playing me the whole time.

    • Jewels November 3, 2012, 5:31 PM

      Hi Mike d,

      Roommates of the opposite sex is never a good idea or good sign. You ask about forgiveness, that is a huge topic onto itself. Forgiveness does not mean that you have to accept your friend of girlfriend in your life, you can decide based on their actions that you are no longer going to engage with either of them, and make new friends. Are you still roommate at this point? Is he still living there? It would seem like a pretty uncomfortable situation, one that can get ugly, so be careful, if you have other friends or family, maybe it’s a good idea to stay with them for a while while you figure out what you will do next. So the first step is to make that decision to see if you want them to be an active part of your life. If you do want to try to mend, you have to think about what level you want that done. The good news is that there are other women that are willing to be your girlfriend and other men willing to be your friend, overall I hope that you will be ok. Take Care.

  • May November 8, 2012, 6:12 PM

    I am new to this and this may be long. But I really have no one to talk to. My husband (32 yrs old) and I(30 yrs old) have been married for 7 years been together a total of 13. We have two beautiful kids together. 5 years ago. We got in church and got saved and started living for the Lord. We were really involved in church. There everytime the doors were open. Our marriage couldn’t have been better. We seemed so in love. People were jealous of how good we got along. There was this family at church they had a daughter who at the time was 13. She grew up rough. Her mom was bad on drugs and ended up leaving her and her dad. She took up with my family. We kind of took her in. Loved her like she was my own child. She would stay with us go on vacation with us always by our side. We wanted to help show her that life wasn’t so bad. Well just like with all kids she was growing up. She had so many problems. Her family was crazy. I never had any kind of problem with her coming around. But when she turned 18 things started to change. My husband and her were spending more and more time together. So I said something to him. And of course he turned it around on me. I was being jealous. She has been with us for years nothing was going on. After that it seemed like they were getting sneaky about talking with each other. And we started having problems in our marriage then he started having problems at church. He pulled away from the Lord. Every time I said anything it was a huge fight and I was the bad guy. So I just kind of set back and said forget it. It seemed like he would much rather be around her than me. I had to be home and put the kids to bed at a decent hour and they would take trips to the store and always have something that he needed to do. And she just piled right along with him so conveinant. One night I was in the house and they went to feed the dogs. I had put the kids to bed and I waited and waited and they never came back inside. So I snuck outside and found them sitting in his boat. Her arm was kinda laying on his chest and he was rubbing it. And I went crazy. And of course they said it was nothing..blah blah blah..and it was of course my fault. So anyways a few days later i got up one morning and his phone was laying there he was still in bed and I started snooping. I looked thru his messages.he tried to delete them but somehow there was a button that said history and low and behold there was all kinds of nasty messages. I could not read them all because they had been deleted but it showed me enough. Things she wanted to do to him and she was asking for naked pics. Tons of messages between them. So he got a rude awakening. He had a huge fight. He broke down and told me that they did kiss and had been sending these message for a couple of weeks. He swore nothing else happened. I talked to her she said nothing else happened. But I am so heartbroken. So a few weeks went by and her mother overdosed. And I started feeling sorry for her. And I went to see her cause of her mom. She’s trying to come right back like nothing ever happened. And me and him are at each others throats. Cause I cannot just forget. Those messages are plastered in my head. He acts like it was no big deal. To me it was huge. Am I crazy? I know this was long. But I needed to tell the whole story. I have no one I can talk to.

    • Jewels November 17, 2012, 4:34 PM

      Hi May,

      I wish I could give you a big hug, so much pain. You are not crazy. In most situations, the cheater will lie and deny May, you know the truth, you know what happened, and you do not have to prove anything to anybody. It seems like from what you wrote something is/was going on. I would not spend too much time at this point trying to figure out and find more evidence, it is already out. If your husband wants to play like nothing happened, let him, because you know if your heart what is going on.

      Those messages are traumatic to see, I saw some pretty intense messages as well and I understand it is hard to look your husband in the face knowing he sent that type of information to another woman.

      It is also traumatic to take a young girl in, only to have her engage with your husband this way.

      So do not feel back for the way you feel, anyone in your situation would be devastated, angry, and hurt. And I know it’s hard to even have time to process when you have kids.

      At this point May, I want you to try to find some time to yourself so you can think. Tell your husband to take care of the kids and try to find a place to retreat and breathe. I would not focus on your husband so much, you know the situation, I would focus on you, how May feels, how to get May back. Once you are in a better state, the next step is to think about your next steps, knowing what is going on. Of course ultimately, you have to make the decision to do what is best for you, but I would try to not spend a ton of time with your husband, because he still is hiding and denying and that is going to really stress you. Start to retreat and focus on you. No need to prove anything to him, I kept trying to show and prove things to my ex-husband, and it literally started impacting my health. Don’t let that be you. Take care, big hug to you, I wish you well.

  • chrissy December 10, 2012, 8:29 AM

    I was seeing a 32yr old for 18months recently, i am 41 and have a 17yr old and 7yr old, both boys. During this time my eldest son broke up with his girlfriend. To my disgust 1week after we finished i found out my boyfriend had been txting this 17yr old girl and trying to hook up. I know for sure because my son brought this girl to my home and she showed me these txts. I am also sure there were txts missing before i got to read as this girl didnt like me and she was a player!! This incident affected my son to as it was his first G/F. Anyway he is with someone else now, so good riddence i say!

  • Deb January 17, 2013, 1:45 PM

    Where to begin?? I was married in 2007 for 10 yrs (bored but moslty happily when I received a FB mess from my curent “husband”.. we met at 14 at my grandmothers lake and due to tragic circumstances (I am from Toronto) drove down to my familys homeland to deal with it. Our previous chats on FB were purely platonic BTW. In any case..the 5 days I was here (I am ashamed to say) were sex filled at a local hotel. However, going back to my family the guilt nawed me badly (still does)..I ended up leaving my husband -2 kids behind, moving to my familys homeland to be with this man (lord ladies if I have one tip “If he does it WITh you he will do it To you). This was my “supposed” child hood sweetheart. 9who everytime I see him now I could physically beat the bjesus out of him) I ended up living in a place with no jobs, and discovered that this man was doing drugs (the green stuff) daily (which Im a drinker and dont do that stuff)-he drinks as well (luck me)..I had a child with him in Jan of 09 (no regret there), and married Augus tof 2011. he went to Alberta to work Jan-April of 2012. On his BIRTHDAY (on eweek b4 my 1 st wedding anniversary) I was reading through his FB (Happy birthdays) and theres the ex he left for me (who he asked me “can I add her?- two weeks prior and I said fine), saying “Happy bday old man what are you 64 and 5″..which I thought “thats weird”, I went back to review it again 5 minutes later and it was gone. Now THIS had the thinker thinking..hmmm..what most men dont realize is the chats they have on FB and delete go to their email address attached to it(good tip ladies if you know his email and code thats attache d to his FB account)..anyhow-i knew his email addy and code-I had a VERY horrific bad feeling (ALWAYS go with your gut!) -(and as Id been dealing with having my other 2 older sons for the summer and my beloved Gram dying and working everyday-didnt think anything of it at first. i thought “nooooo” “theres no freakin way!”…WRONG..went into email and BLAM..”they were gonna b F buddies, and meet for coffee tea and a “shag”..and I was the “thing” talking in the backround (oh ya-I was so floored I puked in my garbage can at work)…I proceeded to print out his nasty convos promplty go home -and throw them in his face and go back to work (he was home unemployed all that summer) says he had been talking to her for 1 1/2 months 91st convo I saw was April 7th!!-and the WORST ones (worse than sex in my eyes) were the “how r things? Going to school” Hows the old friends? hows the old homestead? Hows the old cat?(those hurt much more) and conveniently he erased off his phone all the messeges (i however had wondered in summer why his phone was always going off-he said they were Fb “notifications”..LIER!..anyhow-he states this was an EGO thing and he was never gona meet her and he was drunk if he did ever write anything back (she lives 45 minutes away and is still friensds with his closest sister)..in any case..Ive since discovered throgh a recorder behind my computer speakers when I left house (nice n easy) that he also was watching porn the second my butt left fo r work every morning(which he denied till i played that proof)..then said he doesn smoke anymor e(boom my cousin told me she caught him out side smokin like a chimney (oh and that “green” habit-back with a vengence. I since (recently after updating to Google crhome (which automatically combines all your “favorites” contacts a girl in ALBERTA who I wrote to on FB (and geeee she never got back to me!) and a messege after we moved here via FB saying “LOVE you” on a mans FB (a man I discovered has 2 daughters and lives in same town as ex he was trying/or did hook up with) -he denies he sent messege and has shut his FB account down (gee THATS not suspicious. Im done…im about to set the ultimate trap (because Im worth it and deserve to be respected and happy). i dont deserve to cry every night and be heartbroken. ill tell you all how it goes…but Im just SOOOO freaking tired of it..disgusted, tired, horrified…etc…Im also seeing a trend here that ALOT of (no offense) mostly men are perpretrating this (why get married?)..I had to threaten leaving him to marry me -so-I guess I got what I asked for-But ill be damned if Im gona be unhappy forever..that much I can tell you all:) Signed ..No longer gives a rat patoot in Nova Scotia:)

    • Jewels January 17, 2013, 10:32 PM

      Hi Deb,

      Seems like you have a habitual liar in your corner. And it also seems like you are done. I know you moved away to another country. Are you ready to move again. How often are you able to see your kids? Anyways, you did the best you could with the info you had, you learned a big lesson along the way (if he is willing to cheat with you on your ex-husband, he is willing to cheat on you as well). I know quite a few women in this spot (where they cheated on their spouse and eventually got cheated on). And they are all in intense pain when the tables are turned, often having no idea how painful it is, which is what I am sure you are feeling now….

  • Mary July 11, 2013, 10:13 AM

    Iam back again since 2012. iam still together with my hubby, I have tried to concentrate on things which make me happy, and i believed that my habby has changed because of age. he is now 61, but still good looking, energetic, he is a sports man. he goes to gym 5 days a week every morning and plays squash every saturday.
    sundays he is always at home spending time with me.
    Last weekend i decided to organise our wardrobes and remove old clothes which we do not use. mhh to my suprise a thick envelope fell out of his jacket pocket which he uses always when he is travelling to the village to see his parents and relatives. Guess what was inside… 3packs of condoms.it seems some other packs used already. I was shocked because we have good sex life and we have never used condoms. I just kept quite for some time… before we went to bed I asked him about it, he said..”.ooh when I travelled to South Africa I picked them from the hotel… then i put them in my bag, unfortunately when we travelled to the village i used the same bag and i was afraid you could see them and i put them in my jacket. I asked why did you pick them if you dont need them… he just said “ooh I do not know”….I just kept quite. After 2 weeks i was so sober and said to him there are issues we need to discuss.very humbly, I told him that …by him keeping condoms it seems he is still cheationg on me, and I think if he cant stop this behaviour then let us live just like friends, no sex, because i do not want to quarrel and it seems like he dont want to stop, marriege is trust between 2 people and if there is an intruder is not okay. I did not even reminded him how he has hurt me several times because of the same behaviour, You know what he did not comment on anything , he kept quite, pretending that he has fallen asleep, and since that day he pretends as if nothing has happened. Iam really pissed off, if there is no communication, what kind of life is that, he is taking me for granted, Iam hurt…and frustrated

    • Jewels July 14, 2013, 8:17 PM

      Hi Mary,

      I think you know in your heart that something is off. Of course your husband would love for you to just ignore it and act like nothing happened, that would make his life great. But the truth is, that is not fair to you. And you do not necessarily have to bring it up again, but what is different now that you feel something is off? Does he still get the same treatment that he has prior? Basically, is there any incentive to talk about this or is life so good for him he can ignore it and everything will be ok? For every action there should be a consequence. I know you are frustrated, but the emotion of frustration will not get you very far. Let him know through your actions that you are not happy or that you are considering divorce (again, you don’t have to tell him directly, you can even just put a “How to get divorced .” book on bedroom table. Little actions to let him know, since he fell asleep last time you talked. Just a suggestion. Take care.

  • Pamela July 20, 2013, 11:44 AM

    Mary, It’s very hard to trust again and when something like this happens it brings back all the hurt and pain from before. The hardest part of a situation like this being able to trust again. I have not put my story out yet but I am dealing with my husband sexting women from the internet. I found out b/c he sent a text to me that was meant for the OW. Still dealing from the pain and not sure if I can live with him and not make his life misserable by snooping. he acts if nothing ever happened. Trust your instincts if you feel something is still up it probably is. I have a feeling that I have not learned all with my situation and he has told me that some will go to his grave with him. I know that if there is more I will find out b/c I have a feeling its out there. At the same time I am scared to find out. Hang in there.

  • S. July 25, 2013, 9:39 PM

    It honestly hurts like hell especially when you have to deal with it on your own, and yeah even the phone he used is hard to look at sometimes, I found old messages that he deleted on his Iphone, funny thing is that the Iphone keeps lots of old messages stored even after being deleted…. I love him, but sometimes I don’t know what the heck I’m doing…. I feel so embarrassed and ugly, Gosh…. Even if the chick was fugly it still messed with my self esteem, he said it was to retrieve money and get back at some old skank he knew, just wish he would of considered my feelings sometimes. I honestly feel broken.

  • Chidinma July 29, 2013, 1:16 PM

    Hi, i found out in febuary 2011 d first time. after my hubby came back frm a bussiness trip. n got a message frm the Ow about how she would prefer one whole week for them to hv fun together. i confronted him n he said she wrote to somebody, but forwarded to him as a friend. he later apologised n confessed to the truth after i threatened him with divorce. We made up after loads of promises.

    This year May, he came back frm a trip(which he does always). I was so excited to see him because he has been gone for close to one month,but he wasn’t as me. We made love that night, n ummeduately after he took to his phone n sent messages to a lady he met while on his trip abroad.

    The next morning my two years old daughter brought his phone to me( we use d same kind of phone), thinking it was mine, i opened it , only to see a message from this same girl asking him if he is thinking about her. i froze. I thought i should dig further.so i went to his facebook messages n i saw how they hv been exchanging messages.How he tells her that she’ll always remain in his heart. hiw he even call her d names he calls me(which is soooooo hurtful). She even suggested that they move to skype, which they did. It did not end there, i saw how he exchanges sexual messages with over twenty other women, whixh he doesnt with me. while away on this trip i tried talking about sex with him on fb n he just said he was going to bed that the next day will b busy for him n he went off. One in particular he has made plans to meet with when he comes back home frm his trip. I went off after reading to confront him. My husband became like a statue. he became speechless and was ony pleading on his knees.

    I slapped, scratched n spat at him.he kept pleading n said he just tot nothing for those women. He said he loved me n only wants to b with me. Even though i know he is telling d truth i still dont want to believe him.

    I left d house for few days n travelled out of the city. i came back after much pleading frm him n for d sake of our three children, 5,4 n 2 years old.By d way we hv been married for seven years this April.

    He called a pastor to intervene n counsel us; which was good at the time but immediately he leaves i see myself abusing, pulling him n crying. He just takes all of these n cuddles me n starts begging afresh.It surely hurts, especially with somebody u truly love. Right nw i just tell myself i want to hate him, which i cant get to do. Somedays i just wake up n not talk to him for a whole day which makes him so uncomfortable. I just want to make his life as miserable as he has made mine. I still love him with all my heart, but cant ever forgive him.

    He really wants us to work our marriage out but am nt willing to, at least nt nw. For instance i hv refused to pray together as a family in d mornings, which we usually do. He is a christian n it pricks his heart. I just give him whatever i prepare to eat, not minding what he would hv wanted.
    He comes back frm trips n i just open d door for him n not welcome nor ask him anything. I truly know all these are killing him, bcos he will come to bed n plead n swear with d bible every night that he never had sex with any if these women . But i still dont believe him. Am i being inconsiderate n stubborn? Pls help. i still feel angry n betrayed by him. And want to make him suffer more!!….

  • Kate July 29, 2013, 1:41 PM

    My Husband & I have been married 10 years & have two young children. My Husband is the most caring,passionate, loving husband & Father so it was with great distress that I discovered he was flirting/sexting on facebook! I simply could not believe what I was reading! It was purely by accident that I found out….My Daughter was playing a game on his I pad/ Tablet & passed it to me as she had gone on to his messenger. I saw the tail end of a rather saucy text & thought to myself Mmmm, I don’t remember this conversation! & no wonder because it wasn’t to me!! It turns out that whilst I have been sat in our living room alone on a Saturday night, he has been in his home office trawling his female friends on FB & chatting them up! When I read some of these messages I was physically sick & it is as if they are imprinted on my brain now; When I close my eyes I can almost see the words & I feel so worthless!
    I confronted my Husband who broke down completely & begged for forgiveness. He said it was just harmless flirting & he had never done anything physical & never would. He begged me not to leave him (which I was about to do) He has closed down his FB a/c & his twitter & google plus. He has given me his password for his email address & his moblie phone! I am not stupid though…I know how easy it is to set up another email a/c & get a second phone & am constantly in turmoil wondering what he’s up to when he’s not with me! I feel betrayed & more than that I feel destroyed. I can’t forgive him & I can’t forget what I read….he just dismissed me in these messages as if I didn’t exsist! I feel so incredibly hurt by all of this & my Husband IS trying so hard to make things right but I don’t seem to be able to move past it! How can he say he only loves me & only wants me but send these messages to other women? I’m very up & down at the moment & I just want the pain to stop!! I feel like he has changed me into a totally different person & I can’t change back! I still love him very much but HATE him for what he has done! How do I move past this? Please help! :(

    • Jewels July 30, 2013, 12:48 PM

      To Kate, Chidinma, and S,
      Hi Kate,

      I first want to say what you are feeling is normal. Seeing those type of text messages from your husband is traumatizing. I remember thinking ‘do I know this man?’ It makes you question everything. Good that your husband is being transparent, and smart of you to know that even with transparency, there is still a way if he really wants to continue to cheat.
      The truth is, you have change, and you never will be the same. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It sounds bad a first, as it was with me, but now, I have more confidence. Now I don’t take mess from people, I stand up for myself. I don’t depend on my friends/family for happiness, and there actions are theirs to own, not mine. But it took years of healing for me to get to that place.
      Have you gone to couples therapy? That will help facilitate some discussions that might not be happen organically. You also should get therapy on your own (just you), what you saw is traumatic and needs an expert to help you process it, many people make light of seeing those type of messages, but it impact you on so many different levels. Big hugs to you in your healing journey.

      Cindinma,
      You are not being stubborn, the first time he cheats, there might be a chance to recovery. Second time, with over 20 women. Him begging on the floor is not going to make you feel better. I think you are growing numb, blocking your heart because you have been through so much pain, you can’t take opening up again. I did the same thing with my husband. I grew numb, his words met nothing to me, he was a daze, nothing he said mattered, because he lied to me twice.
      So I know you know it is hurting him the way you are acting, but he hurt you more. I know you want him to hurt more, but be careful, that (trying to make someone hurt) often backfires. I wanted him to be miserable so bad I was literally making myself sick.
      At this point, I do not think you are too far off. If there is a chance of recovery, he has to stop talking and start doing. He needs to take the initiative, he needs to be transparent, without you asking. If there is any chance of recovery, he has got to make an amazing effort, without great effort from you. And if you realize that you do not want to deal with it anymore, your decision to get a divorce, you have the power and it seems like you are using it in some ways at this time. Keep that power and stick with your intuition. Hugs to you!

      S, yes it does hurt. And it broke me from a self-esteem standpoint as well. But when that happened I made a promise to myself, that part of my recovery will be learning to get my self-esteem from within, so that no man, no material possession, no friend will break me that way that this did. And I am not perfect with my self-esteem, but it is a ton better than before. You are not ugly, he is ugly for what he did, and his unethical actions reflect on him, not you, it’s not your job to call yourself pretty or ugly based on his actions, he doesn’t get that right or call. Last but not least, his excuse for cheating sounds lame. He cheated because he was irresponsible and decided to cheat. He needs to step up and take responsibility for his actions. But of course, that is not the job for you to try to get him to do that, either he takes responsibility or he doesn’t. Just keep remembering his actions are not a reflection of you. Big hug to you!

  • Kate July 30, 2013, 1:28 PM

    Thank you so much for your reply Jewels!
    I haven’t tried counselling( couples or singular) but will give it some serious thought & look for a counselling service near to us.
    I have good & bad days (today is a bad day) & my Husband can tell straight away when I’m having a bad day & tries to talk to me & offer comfort but it doesn’t change what he did & I still hurt.
    I’m hopeful that we can re build our marriage & I can learn to trust him again one day.
    Love Kate. xx

  • denni August 3, 2013, 8:10 AM

    I have been with my partner for 22 years, he plays zynger poker on facebook, i found he had been sexting a women from norway for about a year, i found very explicit messages from them on his fb account, he told me it didn’t mean anything and seemed very sorry, but i can’t get the content of texts out of my head, the trust has gone!!
    also i found out he had been doing this while i was in the room with him, i really don’t know what to do with this information, i am struggling to move forward,if anyone has advice i would appreciate it.
    thanks

    • Jewels August 3, 2013, 10:22 PM

      Hi Denni,

      It seems like he is/was having an emotional affair with this woman. Emotional affairs are painful as well, and the text messages that you saw can really mess with your head (I might actually write my next post about it, your question is very common). Not sure I have the right answer, but I think the answer to how do you move forward is much bigger than the text. Meaning if you have unresolved issues around the emotional affair, the text messages are going to trigger a severe emotional response. It’s traumatic (using the strong word on purpose) to see a person you have loved for years use that type of language. I can make a bet that the type of things he texted her he in no way would text to you. It’s a weird dynamic that husbands sometimes feel the need to ‘go to the extreme’ with affairs, but with us they would never do that.

      Anyways I think that you have to first determine what you are going to do with this information. Now that you know, how has he responded? Is he remorseful? Is he willing to be transparent in order to rebuild trust? Has he stopped interacting with her? Do you want to work it out with him? Also, how long as it been since you found out? It’s often overwhelming to tackle on everything, so take each question one question at a time. Answering each question will help you with clarity. I also recommend counseling, as I did with Kate(thanks Kate for the reply). People tend to make ‘light’ of this situation and thing they can handle it, but really it is literally traumatizing to see that type of information, it can really impact you negatively if you don’t address it. Take care, I wish you the best!

  • HGirl August 4, 2013, 11:38 AM

    Me and my husband have been married 2 years and together for 4, shortly after we got married I discovered that he had been messaging women that he worked with on Facebook all containing inappropriate messages. We went though the whole thing the argument the he saying he was sorry we had a few counselling sessions (none of which went anywhere they needed to go really) and it got forgotten. About a yr ago I caught him looking at porn which raised red flags but thats really all the evidence I had and he will deny deny deny until you throw proof right in his face so I’ve never gotten him to confess more then what I have caught him doing. I’ve had this feeling recently so I surprised myself by being all tech savy (at this point after being discovered a few times he hides it very well!) I restored a backup of his iphone onto an old iphone he had. This allowed me not to see much because other then the very large collection of pornography he had stored in his phone he deletes his text messages very often. I was able to activate iMessage so for the past day anyone who has an iphone who messages him comes to my phone as well….success on that I guess. And it only being a day I already discovered he lied about the time he got off a work a buddy of ours went and picked him up I guess they went out, and he is inappropriately messaging and sending pictures to a girl he works with. Im stuck I dont know what to do and I guess Im not looking for that answer because thats always different but I dont even know how to handle this situation anymore. Should I be calling the girl confronting her should i be passing the record of these messages along to their boss if I confront him what would I say, should I wait and dig up more dirt as the messages come in, Im in that emotional place where you have been hurt before have found out again and am totally lost on how to proceed.

    • Jewels August 4, 2013, 5:50 PM

      HGirl,

      I am not sure how you set that up, but that is pretty intense. I know you are already catching him in lies, and I believe it is only going to get worse with that level of access. Once it comes out he is going to be upset you did this, and try to use that as his defense. At this point, no need to get the girl, the boss, ect involved. This is between you and your husband. And really, is there a discussion needed. Matter of fact, this is between you and you, because you already have the information. It’s the second time around you are dealing with his behavior. I think it’s time for HGirl to really sit down and think about if you want to be with your husband. It You have enough data right now to really make the decision, any more data you find will just be cutting into a wound. I know most cheaters always deny deny deny but you have been there before, so you know that game and you know not to accept that game this time. Checking/spying on him is really no way to live, you will get obsessed with checking the messages and at the end of the day you have to say ‘Is it worth it?’ Is it really worth all the stress? Big hugs to you!

  • tracey October 19, 2013, 8:33 AM

    I know this is an older post I’m responding to. :)
    I’m having one of my low days today and am going through reading all of these posts. I had to sarcasticaly add. ….my husband was sexting with his “friend” (not allowed to call her that, it upsets him ;) ) According to him, “it’s really not that bad, its just the phone…”
    Imagine!?

  • Amy December 26, 2013, 2:29 PM

    Reading this makes me feel not so alone. I found out two months ago my husband had placed an ad on one of those NSA websites. I found it two days after he did it. I confronted him on it and we as in me shed a lot of tears. He told me nothing happened and he didn’t know if he would ever do anything with it. He told me it was the first time he had done anything like that. He told me he was sorry and he loved me. Told me he wanted to work it out. Well I snooped around and found out this wasn’t all he had done. So I asked about it. He had been sexting with a past co-worker and friend for almost two years. Plus he had video chatted with her in a sexual way more thn once as well. Then I found out he video chatted and sexted with a friend of ours. We are trying to work it out. But the bad days out weigh the good days right now. The emotions are everywhere and anything can trigger them. I let him know how I feel. I ask tons of questions. He has shown me his social network sites and emails. He has quit talking, writing, etc the two people(would love to call them something else). He knows he has a lot of repenting to do. There is no trust. I worry everyday that I will find out there is more. This isn’t an easy road for anyone to be on. I know I have chosen to stay and hopefully with Gods help and the counseling it will all work out.

  • Betrayed January 30, 2014, 10:53 PM

    I caught my husband of 15 years sexting WITH MY SISTER!!!
    I don’t know what to do. I cry so much that I start shaking
    and feel so torn up inside. I then got the phone records &
    Go over them. The when, where, and time..I see he how twisted &
    look to see where I was..of course with the kids or at church.
    Then I noticed it was even on the day I started feeling sick
    (turns out I has pneumonia) well according to the phone records,
    when I was getting my x-rays & lab work, he was
    in the waiting room sexting!! He even sent 20+ pictures
    of his privates to her…because she asked if he “wanted to fuck”..
    Please help…my heart races & I threatened divorce. But he
    told our boys and they all were so upset it broke my heart to see
    my kids so hurt..

    • Jewels February 3, 2014, 7:31 AM

      Hi Betrayed,

      My heart goes out to you, I can tell you are so broken up over this, I would like to share a couple of things with you in hopes that it might help, even if just a little. I want you to know the family cheating thing is more common than you think. Curious to know was your sister living with you or did she spend a good amount of time at the house? That is typically when I hear these type of situations. I have also heard stories of my husband slept with my cousin, my mom, ect… so I tell you this because I do not want you to feel alone.

      The second thing is try to stop looking at the texts and pictures over and over again, seeing those images is literally a traumatic experience as you probably have noticed your body reacts every time you look at it. If you keep reviewing those images and texts its like a form of self-torture. Looking at them again can only cause more hurt, not less.

      Next, be easy on yourself, seriously. This is not your fault, you do not have to make a decision on what to do now, your focus should be to eat, sleep, take deep breaths, and try to be in the support of the family and friends you wish to be around. I know this is especially hard because it’s your sister, and your kids are so hurt by the entire situation.

      If you have the ability to go to therapy alone, to try to sort out the extreme range of emotions, do it. You will get through this an be ok. You have to take one day at a time and understand that you are never given a situation that you do not have the strength and courage to handle. Many hugs to you.

  • betrayed February 8, 2014, 9:27 PM

    Well, I couldn’t help but go digging for specifics. I found out that it wasn’t my sister at all. My sister had changed her cell number in September & he said he received the first text in November. That’s a relief at least. My sister said she’d never do anything like that (and I didn’t think it could be her) but he insisted it came from her old cell number. But all that aside, I know that it was him making the choice to go on with the texting. I have to actually say that to him. .Remind him that he had a choice. He says that he truly thought it was from my sister and because of that, he felt like he couldn’t come to me. That’s what hurts the most. Obviously, 15 years of marriage didn’t register correctly with him. He basically had an opportunity& went for it. I tell him he’s broken my faith in him and I can’t trust him. Just today, he told me “I can only hope you don’t dwell on this and can move on”. I’m so annoyed! How in the world does he think I’m “just gonna get over it!” I don’t know if I’ll ever “get over it!” Not sure if I can. ..It’s already happened that someone will say something & it’ll be like a trigger for me and the tears start rolling. ..

    • Jewels February 9, 2014, 11:43 PM

      Betrayed,

      So you got the ol ‘get over it’ line, I think I wrote and entire post about that line. I swear there is a men handbook on this stuff because most men react in the same way. I remember my-ex husband saying that and me being so frustrated with it, so I understand. Glad it was not your sister, but your husband thought it was. Did you find out who it was? Take care……

  • lisap February 16, 2014, 2:04 PM

    betrayed, please go with your first gut feeling! It is always right! If you have the phone records then thats the proof! You can even go back and look to see who started it! Men lie because they are children!!!! My husband tried to say she started it but it was all him. I can see the bill, and you can view the activity even before the bill is printed. View the usage by phone number. I watced my bill go up $40 in one month. Do they really think we are that dumb, we won’t see it? Till this day I wished I divorced him but couldn’t afford it. I am stuck with him and every day somethng sets me off. The weather man reporting on the weather in her town. Another politician sexting and getting busted for it. The OW’s name being said you name it! My mother told me the other day that I have changed! Iam not the shy person who doesn’t make the move anymore. I am argumentive, snippy and can be mean at times all because of him. I don’t like it, but it has given me the back bone I never had.!!! I tell people what I think now instead of not rocking the boat. It is a doulbe edged sword…….

  • Devastated March 4, 2014, 1:50 PM

    Anyone have any suggestions on how to be able to recover erased messages from tmobile???

  • Borysot May 5, 2014, 2:55 PM

    I have been with my bf for 12 years, we have 2 children together. For the past year he has been talking to his baby’s mom. They talk like they are still together end recently I discovered nude pics they have been sending each other. I confronted him about it and he apologized. I caught him before texting her being all affectionate. He says he loves her and will never leave me for anyone else. But I just don’ t know what to do anymore. I want to make it work, I just don’t feel loved and appreciated. Please what should I do there are kids involved. It’s harder to leave when you have children.

    • Jewels May 12, 2014, 12:14 PM

      Hi Borysot,

      You are right, it is harder when you have kids. At the same time, it is hard to stay as well because the mental negativity will drain you. At the end of the day, you have to take a look at your situation, and strategically seek next steps based on your entire situation, which only you know. You wrote that he loves her but wants to stay with you? I think you may of meant to say he loves you and would never leave. That’s a great line to say, but where is the action to back it up? Sending nude pics is not friend status. And he is making a decision now to hurt you in order to keep her around. Is should be the opposite if you are together. Eventually the pain and frustration is going to get overwhelming. All you can do it tell him how you feel, and tell him what you would like him to do. If he chooses to continue, then you have to think about next steps for you. You have options, it may not look like it, but you have options. Take care!

  • Lola May 5, 2014, 3:45 PM

    Get counseling that has helped my marriage

  • the trash speaks October 22, 2014, 1:06 PM

    if you’re at a stage where you want to catch your spouse, if you have access to a phone search all their apps. a texting or social app like kik or snapchat should pretty much never be on a spouse’s phone. If the contact list is empty then it’s a given they’re just trying to cover tracks.

    Unfortunately I do it all the time. Find some random person on a site like craigslist or omegle, do some dirty talk, then feel bad about myself and delete everything. then i go crawling back a few days later. This is usually the first step, since if a person keeps up an emotional affair long enough the physical affair usually follows. I was lucky after I sent naked pics to some OW she just stopped talking to me. Like I said, that was just dumb luck. Or not cuz I don’t know if it’ll end up on cnn one day 10 years from now who knows.

    so anyway part of me posting is me reading all these other comments and trying to stop once and for all instead of once for the day. A big part of this is letting some people know the apps and sites cheaters use.

    But even if you can’t prove it, look if your own spouse is emotionally distant from you, that’s all the proof you need and usually that can’t be faked.

    spouse should be making time, not disappearing, not ‘working late’, able to gush and talk about whatever. if not then he’s spending that energy SOMEWHERE. it may not even be another person, but a thing like sports or drinking or gambling or games.

    as for help? some of you may scoff but the truths of the Bible and a church community help. Yes it’s hypocritical but a good church will give constant reminders of why this isn’t right, and will work as a beacon to bring the cheater out of darkness. You do want it to stop and you do want your spouse back, that is ideal. So I’m just venting. I’m sorry for all the hurt you all are going through.

    The cheaters are probably hurting too from something else, and instead of taking it to you we take it to something stupid like a OW. i agree with the post immediately above, BOTH people are hurting and they really need to sit down and figure out what the triggers are, which happens in counseling. it’s more than the acts of cheating.

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