Recovery From Cheating

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I know people who read my posts are at different stages in their recovery. Some just found out their husbands were having an affair, and the pain is so deep they wonder how they are going to get out of bed tomorrow. Some have lived in misery for a while and wonder when things will start to look positive again. And some are in a stage of recovery where they are in a calm and positive place. No matter what your situation is, or where you are in your recovery journey, the fact of the matter is that YOU CAN RECOVER.

When I talk about recovery, please note and remember that I am talking about your own personal recovery. There are tons of books and other information out there about how to rebuild your marriage following an affair, and I encourage you to seek out that information if you decide to work on your marriage. In my opinion, however, your personal recovery is more important than your husband’s.

And your personal recovery is really important. When your husband cheats, it rocks your world; your image, your life, and your soul are changed forever. And in order to recover from it successfully, you must take a series of steps. Step one is really important. It’s making sure that you have the confidence to believe that you (personally) can recover from this experience and become a better person. You have to believe it is possible.

If you’re at a place where you can’t see it yet, don’t worry, I have confidence in you that you will get to this place. You owe it to yourself to get to this place. Your husband’s affair should not define you as a woman.

  • Lorraine Tyler August 16, 2010, 6:52 PM

    Hello,

    I just discovered my husband is cheating on me, I’m having mix feelings, I want to leave, then I don’t. I having terrible rage somehow doesn’t seem like it not going to ever change. I’m deeply hurt. Will this hurt ever go away.

  • Jewels August 16, 2010, 10:11 PM

    It will get better, but you will not be able to see it at this time because the pain of finding out is so thick that you can’t see anything else. Just finding out is one of the most traumatic times of your life. You’re not going to be able to control your emotions for a while, and that is ok. Take care of yourself, try to get some sleep and take some time to be alone and think about the situation. Things will change, your emotions will get better, and you will recover from this experience. I wish you the best, and the only way you have to go from this point is up. I also recommend you read my free ebook, it might help you with some of your feelings. I will hope the best for you and your situation.

  • Cheated on March 1, 2011, 2:56 PM

    I am still trying to recover from my husband cheating. We have been going to therapy for 6 months and are on a much better path then we use to be. I am just still so hurt over the affair all the time. When I do bring it up (not directly), he seems to shut down out of shame or guilt. I know he is very sorry for his actions and has decided this is where he wants to be. How long am I going to continue to have these feelings? I don’t want to think about this everyday. Last night, my husband brought his cell phone into the bedroom which he hasn’t done since the affair ended and just seeing it on the night stand made me break down into tears. He was waiting for his son to reply who he had wished luck to on a big test the next day. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust him, just seeing the phone brought back a lot ot memories and pain. I really want to move past this and forget it ever happened. I love my husband more then anything and despite this happening we are now able to communicate much better with one another and have a much stronger healtier relationship. How do you let go and move forward?

    • Jewels March 1, 2011, 8:41 PM

      Hello,

      How do you let go and move forward? Time. The good thing is that you are both in therapy and working on the relationship, and even mentioned that you are able to communicate much better than before. But you and your husband both have to realize that you are human, and you are going to have triggers (traumatic flashbacks brought on an item, thought, or view). What you experienced by having the phone in the bedroom was a trigger, and phones are a common trigger after the affair. I believe it’s one of those things that you have to take 3 steps forward and sometimes one step back. And that one step back is ok. Many husbands want us to just move on and get over it, but this was a serious traumatic event, it just doesn’t go away. 6 months is really not that long after the affair.

      Each time he follows through, each time he tells the truth, he is building up the trust. It takes on average 1-2 years at the least to repair the marriage to a stable state, and remember, it’s never going to be exactly like it was before, which is not a bad thing. Keep on working on it, with both of you committed, I believe you will get through this, but please don’t beat yourself up because of a trigger, it happens to ALL of us.

  • Mindi May 30, 2011, 3:36 PM

    I hate that I even had to come to this site, and see all the hurt, I also just found out that my husband slept with his ex wife just 14 short days ago, I have had all the rollar coaster emotions, from devastation, to uncontrollable crying, and rage,today was the first day I even had the heart to speak to him, He seems very remorseful, and hurt, and regretful, I had already talked to a atty for a divorce, but when the wounds are this fresh, its hard to make that desision when your head is still clouded with tons of emotions, I have learned that these feelings are very normal, my husband wants nothing more than to reconcile, I am going to take this one day at a time, and if at any point I find that he lies, even about the smallest thing, or I even hear that he is not being true, I will follow through with the divorce, Im not sure that cheaters really deserve a second chance, But Iam stepping out of my box, and taking a chance, I pray that this does not back fire on me. This is truly the most painful thing I am enduring, and it takes alot of self worth, and knowing who you really are, and not taking ANY blame for his cheating, to even attempt to save your marriage, I must say that, I dont blame anyone for walking away after a cheating spouse, I believe this will be a really long, and trying, painful journey, I just pray Im making the right choice, And one last thing, for all you wonderful people that are experiencing this, YOU are strong,and what ever desision you make is completely OK…..Good luck

    • Jewels May 30, 2011, 10:32 PM

      Thanks Mindi for the encouraging words, I know it’s painful to read all of the stories, but at the same time, I am glad that women can see that they are not alone in this journey to recover. I think you have a good game plan in place, I am glad he is remorseful, many men are not, often blaming us for cheating (which is crazy!). I think I stated in an earlier post that you situation is especially difficult due to the fact that your husband has to interact with this woman because of the kids. It’s by far the most painful thing I have experienced. But I have come a LONG way and I will tell you that right now, I feel very good. 2 years ago, I couldn’t even spell feeling good. So there is hope. Best of luck to you.

  • Mindi July 14, 2011, 10:34 PM

    I cant believe that 2 months have passed by since my world was turned upside down. I have made some progress, well kinda, I can actually think clearly, and I have somehow learned some coping tools to get throught the days now, not sure how healthy they are, but they work for me, my cheating husband has been trying so hard to fix the damage he has caused, even getting a second job to help me finish school, but there is just something not right in my gut,something tells me that he still talks to his ex wife, and maybe even still sleeps with her, I am begining to think that I will not be able to forgive him, and that I may just need to move on, although he begs me everyday not to divorce him, i just cant shake the vision of MY husband being with another woman, several times. everyone has told me not to make any hasty descisions while my mind is clouded with confusion, but I still feel as though this marriage is beyond repair,and I believe that everyday that goes by I love him less, how sad is that….. I almost feel guilty for filing for divorce..worried about how hurt HE will be…that doesnt even make sense.. but its true, I think there may be a wonderful, faithful, devoted man with integrity that is waiting patiently for me.. I do admire those that have the will power to overcome the most painful emotion in the world, but its just not something I think Im willing to try anymore…. I wish all those going throught this the best luck, and true peace….

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