Dealing with a cheating spouse is not a walk in the park. To deal with one of the most difficult situations you will face, and then to have your cheating husband say “just get over it” is hurtful. I bet a million dollars if we were the ones that cheated and we would say, oh get over it already, they would be livid. I feel that cheating husbands sometimes have no idea how this has literally changed the foundation of trust in the marriage forever. So you really cannot ‘just get over it’ like they might lead on. When women tell me that their husbands say that to them, I think in my mind, oh my gosh, he has no clue. He is not helping, he is hurting. I can see if he said “I see you are having a difficult time coping with my infidelity, is there anything I can do to help?”, or “You seem like you are in a great deal of pain over the affair, maybe we should talk about this more so I can help you feel more comfortable”. That is what we want to hear, not ‘get over it’. This is not a test we didn’t pass in high school, this is not a promotion we didn’t get, or some clothes that we couldn’t afford, this is our marriage, our pride and joy, our life, our dreams, our comfort that got shattered. So if any man every reads this that has cheated on their wife, please do not utter the words “Just get over it” when it comes to the affair, we already have enough to deal with. Thank You.
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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
I have been told by him to “get over it” as early as 3 months after finding out about his 5 years of internet dating and sex with multiple women.
Whenever I raised the issue within the last 2 years since d-day, his reponse has always been to state the length of time since I found out (he always makes it longer than it has been), followed by “get over it”.
Just because they can get over it and compartmentalize what they have shows they have no empathy or understanding of the devestating effects their behaviour has had.
He has told me that I have to find a way to deal with it. I just find that such a copout. He threw this trauma into my life and says I have to find a way to deal with it. Is that uncaring or what?
Hello Louise,
I understand what you are saying, it is surprising to me that so many cheaters act this way after the affair, like we are just suppose to wake up and act as if nothing happened. They have no idea how hard it is and sometimes I wish for everyone’s sake they took time to try to understand, it would help so many relationships versus saying ‘get over it’.
These men have no remorse and are irresponsible. My drama continues …trying to get this moron to understand that it will not work anymore.
His best friend calls me up. He is trying to get me back together with my soon to be ex. We talked about the calls my husband made to these girls and email accounts, pics, etc. His BBF started talking about his marriage and how he got caught talking to this ex he had back in the day. Well his wife found out and now she is paranoid. The BBF is like she can’t forget it. I’m like your an idiot…you just compromised your trust with her….what made him think that he can continue to have a conversation with a ex girl friend. How about if your wife talked with a guy she use to know…?
You just don’t look at him the same way. OMG…when he would call or text me…I would get so happy! My love for him was endless. Now when he calls I ignore it and I cringe each time he contacts me. Yeah let me just forget about all the wrong you have done and act like everything is wonderful!!!! Are you serious? Get over it my a**!!!
The last girl I called up told me everything. But the last contact was special. We were fighting over a text message i found on his cell. Mind you were together at the time, but I was staying at my parents house. He asked the “girl” if they both can go out and help him find an apartment. So can you imagine how i felt?????????????????????? And I should just forget about it? Go to hell.
A guy friend at work was telling me about how his girlfriend cheated on him with FB. He just turned his back and walked away..literally. Guys have this on and off switch. They won’t put up with your shit, but they expect you to forgive them.
I HATE THEM.
Hello Daisy,
I agree, I think the hardest part to get over is looking at them the same way. It’s hard those imagines just don’t ‘go away’, they are mentally in our brain and especially when it just happens, everything seems to remind you of the betrayal. It’s hard for me to ‘get over’ some things as well. Having family help him cheat, her being in our house, it’s not something you just get over.
You’re right Daisy. These guys have an on/off switch. If I had done the same thing as my husband I would have been sent packing. He even told me once if I cheated he would kick me out. Pity he doesnt think that he should be kicked out. He sees it as the woman (with the children) should be the one to leave the house.
I just dont understand the type of man I am dealing with. I wish I could get a psychiatrist to analyse him but he is so good at lying and manipulation that they would get nothing out of him. Sorry to go off topic a bit.
Talk about good manipulators. He had his BBF call me again and ask if I would give the marriage another chance. Yeah ..does it look like I want another migraine? His BFF ask my soon to be ex..what if your wife still says no, what will you do then? My soon to be ex said i will transfer my job to San Francisco (we both live currently in socal) and live there. WOWWWWWW….I’ve been asking him to change his night shift to day shift…he wouldn’t even do it for our marriage…but sure enough he has a plan to ESCAPE and let me pick up the pieces.
WHAT A JERK…IF PLAN A DOESN’T WORK, HAVE A PLAN B. What about I love you and your my life???? Go already enjoy, I promise him he will NEVER find a girl like me…
The day he has left my life, will be victory for me.
OMG…Jewels!!!….are you serious…his family helped him to cheat? WOW…
I lived with my soon to be ex’s mother inlaw (waiting patiently for this SOB to leave)…she covered for him …told me he was at a doctor’s appt. Bull!!!!
I just wanna get over this embarrassing mess. I need some breathing room.
Daisy,
Yes, now not all of his family helped, some of his family has been extremely helpful in supporting me, but you always have the one. He would call and ask a family member to call the house phone so that he could act like he is talking to someone and make up and excuse to leave. He knew that I didn’t grow up around family and that it was important to me so when he would tell me a family member was in need, I fell for it. I think once they get caught up in this little fantasy affair, they will go to great lengths to protect it, using family if they have to, smh. I am so over it now, but it is crazy when I think back.
My husband cheated about 4 years ago anf there is a child now his of course. He denied until the truth comes out she came to my job my home and he did nothing and I satyed. The below the belt is we never had kids and I felt he would still love me even though he has a child with someone else. Someone else has the life I wanted the baby and she brag about on the famous facebook. Now ny niece stays with and she knows what happen she hears how he speak to me he even took a trip for 4 days and lied and I am still here. I am so stresses and he is living the life he feels now since I stayed he can continue to have the cake and eat it to. My niece and him had a big argument and she told him off and now he doesnt like her and trying to kick her out of our house. She doesnt want to no where near him. And know if I leave he will balme her because she is the reason now when he cheated and kept cheating butblame everyone else. I cant sleep ,eat loosine weigh because of all the tension in the house. Married since 02 and dont know why I am still here I need to sart over and one day find someone who will love me and make me first and have all honesty and trust and welcome my neice (her mother my sister passed and he has no compassion ) She says I can do better and I know I can just scared always though this would be my home and a slut couldnt take it away from me. Now I just feel foolish and want to leave but not sure how to start I work and went back to school maybe I am just afraid of being alone and dating again but I cant stay in this for myself and my neiece it is not healty she actually hate him for the way he is treating me she is my support system and want to take that away. Ladies who left was it hard and did your survive after infidelity.
Hello Cherease,
Let’s play this out (and yes I am a little bias because it seems from your message that he is not treated you that well). Let’s say you stay, he probably will continue to be the same personality. He probably will continue to be a little disrespectful to you and may even continue to cheat. You will continue to feel miserable because of the way that he treats you. And you will continue to try to work things out, while he continues to do what he is doing. Now let’s say you leave. Yes, it will be different because it will be the first time alone in a while, but let me tell you, being lonely feels a TON better than being with someone who treats you bad. Trust me on this on. He is totally lying when he says you will have no one if you leave, he says that because he himself is scared of being alone and wants you to be scared as well, don’t believe him. You have no kids – GREAT! That means when you leave you can focus all of your attention on building your confidence up and then meet someone that treats you well, you will have time to focus on having a good time, the family will come. BUT two things must happen before all of this comes together. The #1 most important thing you must do everyday from this point on is value yourself. Tell yourself everyday that you deserve to be treated with respect. Tell yourself that you are excited about your future, get excited about the positive things that could happen. Tell yourself when you are alone, you will spend time learning how to love and respect yourself. So if you leave an you are alone for a while, that might be the greatest thing that will ever happen to you, because it will give you time to learn how to love yourself. And when you love yourself you will be alone, not lonely. Huge different. You attract to you people that have similar self-esteem as you, so it’s important to spend time building your confidence back up so you can be in a position later on to find someone that will treat you well. I know you want your marriage to work, but you can’t fight the fight alone, your husband has to be on board, and if he is not, his loss, not yours. Take Care.
I have been married 25 yrs and just found out that my husband cheated on me but it was around 12yrs ago I love him very much but i just cant be happy he treats me better then he ever did says hes sorry all the time and loves me and cant live without me . We have 3 kids the youngest 11 and she loves him very much.Will it get any easier if i stay with him? I think about it all the time its about to drive me crazy plz help me!!!!!
Not happy,
I must of missed this story a few weeks ago. Your question around will it get any easier is directly based on you and your husband’s effort in repairing the marriage. If you and him and trying to move on and act like nothing happened, without really talking through your emotions, you will be feeling the same way you are now. It takes work and if you and him WORK on the marriage, you will feel progress. If you don’t work on it and act like nothing happened, your emotions will be locked in and you will still be thinking about it all the time.
I know what you mean. My husband has yet to end his affair with his OW. His birthday was this past Saturday. So I set it up so he would spend it with his family and then we came back and had cake and sang. Fast forward to 8pm. He gets up and says he’s going to the OW’s house and they are “only going to watch a movie.” That is such BS. Anyway..the OW gives him a Movado watch and this card that saying, “Thank you for helping me survive 2011…I am looking forward to 2012…I Love You”. So I confronted him on it and he gets all angry at me saying that “I’m pushing him away.” and part of the reason he had this affair is cuz he felt trapped and he’s not sure if he wants to be married anymore..and my constant questioning and snooping is only make him feel more like that. I was so hurt and angry that he would turn this back on me. After everything I have been going through…I am entitled to my anger, my questions and my snooping. He’s still lying to me. That drives me crazy!
Hello Tina,
It’s just not right that he is seeing the other woman and so obvious about it. His constant lying is what is causing you to question so much. I get the feeling he thinks that you will not leave him, is this true? It is going to be extremely hard for you to be happy with a husband that is constantly lying and will not leave the OW alone, have you thought about your options?
well…. my husband cheated on me with his ex girlfriend 6 weeks ago … i just gave birth to my second son … i was shocked i knew we have problems but i never thought he would cheat . the horrible part is that he wasn’t even about to apologize he was about to leave me with the kids and hit to his GF house …. let me explain my situation my husband was in the military so we met in europe … its kida hard 4 me to write english im german, i gave up everything for this man .. my family ,friends,job……i dont know why he is such a jerk off …. we’ve been together for like 3 years so far we have 2 handsome little mens 1 year and 3 month… he made me move here . well im still with him but his ex is still calling and writing … he told me he is over it and he wants to move on, and work it out with me . but i simple cand move on and get over it .. im hurt ! i dont know what to do … i love him but i think he is just here because he is scared that i take the kids and leave his ass and go back to germany …. fml
Hello Cat,
That could be the case that he doesn’t want you and the kids to leave. It’s hard to say if he is going to straighten up or not, but I would tell him, if you ever find anything else, you are moving back. Are you in a position for counseling and therapy where you live? I think marriage counseling and individual counseling for you would be a good move. 6 weeks to get over it? You are just beginning, no one recovers that quick. Take your time, and take care.
last year i found out my husband was cheating with one of my “friends” i was devasted i wnt crazy threats begging him to stay wainting to just end it we have two small kids 5 and 3 i left and visited familyvin another state this was may 2011 i came back up aug 2011 and saw that he was still txting and calling her so i left got my kids in school started a new job everything then he wants another chance so i tell him i will in january i just need time to forgive him he would call and text me everyday so sweet just like when we first got married i would chk is call records her number was no where i truly believed it had stopped now its jan 2012 and im back i quit my job took my 5 yr old out of school ab to enroll him in another school but while driving up here she calls me and tells me that she had been living with him since the day i left i hurt so bad last night all i did was scream and cry i just want my husband back i want him to stop this but he says he cant im so embarresed i just want to die!!!! does the hurt ever stop???
Hello Lacey,
The second time you find out is so painful. My kids were young as well, and I felt like I couldn’t even grieve like I wanted to because I had to take care of the kids. Especially when they look you in the face, tell you they love you, tell you they want to work things out and then you realize nothing changed. I know him telling you he can’t stop really hurt, my husband did/said something similar and I remember telling myself I can not handle anymore hurt.
But over 2 years later, I will tell you that the pain does get better. There is no way to ‘quicken’ the process of the pain you are in now, it has to go it’s course, but at the point where you really come to the realization that you can not control him or make him stay, that is where you will start to become empowered, look at the situation for what it really is, and things will start going positively in your direction. I know you feel embarrassed, but every time you feel that way, read the stories on this site, we all have been through it and dealt with the emotions. Take Care and let me know how you are doing.
I wrote back in dec. We have been married 26 yrs and i found out he cheated about 12 yrs ago but it seems like yesterday.It has been 6mts since i found out i have really tried to make things work but i just cant let it go. He has been really good with me even tho i have really bad days that i want speak to him. but its getting so i really dont want anything to do with him but i really dont know how to handle the thoughts. He told me he thought he loved her but said he didnt that he loved me and would never leave me he said he told her that also.But if he loved me so much how could he have done this in the first place? Please any advice would help!!!!!!!!