Positive Recovery Stories

Jewels,

What an amazing and much needed website. So happy to see women supporting other women. Jewels, you are doing great things here! Creating a place of safe harbor from the storm.

My Story:

Well ladies its quite simple. I caught my husband cheating on me 8/17/2008. We had been together for 15 years, had been married for 10. We had two biological children from our marriage ages 8 and 1 at the time, and my stepdaughter who was 18 when he was caught. It was the most horrifying moment in my life to date. A simple txt message on his phone that said- Him: ”I’ll be there at noon, is that ok?” and her reply ”I can’t wait baby!”

I was beyond devastated. He left his family for a 29 year old woman who welcomed him with open arms. I was 38, alone, scared, overweight with no self esteem, depressed, angry, and in a lot of denial. I did the whole begging him to come back routine, the counseling, and eventually wanted to end my life. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me, why didn’t this man love me? I must be a horrible person, or why didn’t he value our family? Why was this happening to me? While he and his girlfriend were falling in love, my kids and I were falling apart. I was angry at God, the universe, I hated life. I couldn’t understand or accept that this was what my reality was. One night, after a particularly painful evening of finding and reading a love letter he had written his mistress, I lay on the floor of my living room curled in a ball wanting to die, thinking about how I could end my life. Then I screamed at the ceiling ”How am I going to get through this?” to who or what I did not know. Then a voice inside whispered faintly that I would rise above. The hits kept coming, six months later, I lost my job! My life was at Rock Bottom.

But…..I made changes, I sought help, I made choices, small at first, but then larger in scale. Gradually, slowly, deliberately, I rose from the ashes of a life that had crashed and burned….

It has been three years.

I found a therapist, quit my life as it had been. I left corporate America, I stopped feeling sorry for myself, and I started to own the part I had played in my life. Then I moved forward. Pushing, falling, painfully agonizing some days, feeling as if a thousand knives were stabbing my body, but I got back up. I begged for mercy, and I never gave in. My life was worth more than this man and his betrayal. He would not be the end of my days.

I founded http://www.YouRiseAbove.com an organization that helps women going through transitions in life. Navigating infidelity, Divorce, motherhood, career changes, being everything to everyone and having nothing left for yourself. We help women to overcome, to Rise Above. I wanted to help others, my passion became understanding the pain others went through, my future was crafted from the despair of my husbands infidelity.

My life , my career is now about helping Women. I am happier then I have ever been. I am free, I am loved. I have an abundance of joy! I have been blessed to meet incredible, powerful women like Jewels along the way. Life is a gift, the infidelity was my door to a new future. I have been to hell and back, I survived. You will too. Regardless of your situation, if you trust, if you are willing to do the work, you can Rise Above. We all can. The road is long, the sorrow is deep, the pain is unbearable at times….But I swear to you all on my very existence that EVERYTHING happens for a reason, and the world, your world is unfolding as it should. A greater joy, a greater love awaits, you need only open the door to let it in. You deserve to be loved, respected, cherished. It is your right, you need only believe it to be true.

I wish all of you going through this pain, light to guide your way, and strength for the days ahead….You can Rise Above !

Peace and Light,

Toni

So…there is life after an affair. Not only that…there is amazing life available after an affair.

In June of 2011, my wife of four years and partner for six years announced to me that she had been having an affair for several months and she pregnant with his baby. Now, I was absolutely crazy about her and even in that moment my instinct was to see if we could work it out. Initially, she agreed to leave him and stay with me but within a few days she left the house and never came back. Not long after that, she moved in with him.

He’s married with three little girls so this affair has torn apart two families. I have two children from my first marriage (a 20 year old son and a 16 year old daughter).

So June was hell. I have never experienced so much pain. Each day was an exercise in survival. Thankfully, as a life coach ( http://www.authenticdevelopment.com ) , I had an amazing support network with multiple friends to call at all times of day and night. I cried on my friends shoulders over and over again. The pain is so present and it is just unreal to believe that someone who you thought loved you more than anything would have been lying to you over and over again. It calls into question the entire relationship and I found myself questioning my decision making. How could I let this happen?

In the process of talking to friends and seeing a therapist two or three times a week, I discovered places where I contributed to the environment that led her to choose another man. I don’t take responsibility for her choices but it helps to know the reality that she was experiencing.

In July, life was better. The daily survival turned into having moments here and there of deep sadness but I was able to run my business again and listen to the radio without a box of kleenex. I began to move on when I began to plan my life without her. I filled a notebook with what I wanted for my life over the next year and over the next 5 years. I wrote a list of what I deserve from the next woman to enter my life.

I was still overly nice to my wife as we worked out the details of our divorce. One of my friends asked me, “What does she have to do to prove to you that she hates you? She has done pretty much every awful thing that a woman can do to a man except burn your dog and put him on a stake.”

I really cut the cord when I realized how much she had hurt my daughter. I had brought Rachel into my kids lives after my divorce from their mother and my 16-year old became close to her back then and although they weren’t always close–she was her step-mom and they did lots of fun stuff together over the years. I had a realization of the pain that my daughter was in as she talked to me about how she felt and my anger towards Rachel grew. How could she do this to my kids? How dare she break their hearts? I was almost OK with my heart being broken and willing to forgive her for it–but my kids? NO WAY! I shared with her during one of our meetings that I would not ever forgive her for what she did to them. I will never understand it.

So, my focus has become my children–especially my daughter that lives with me part time.

More than anything, you need to know that my life is amazing now. Much better than when I was with her. In the last few months, I have felt love more deeply than I have ever felt in my life. I have fallen deeply into the arms of my friends and family that love me.

I’ve had over $10k donated to me in order for me to go to a leadership program that will help me grow my business.

I have been given the gift of a new home by one of my friends at rock bottom rental rates so my daughter and I not only have a place to stay–but we have a place much nicer than where we were with a zen-like atmosphere that is really too good to be true.

I’ve had a friend pay for a trip to NYC where we could be bachelors for a long weekend–and we did–and it was what I needed for my life!

I’ve gone out looking for great conversations with women. I believe in full disclosure about where I am in my life and I’ve been rewarded with several powerful relationships and women that meet my list of what I deserve seem to show up again and again!

I wake up every day in this amazing home, doing my dream job (helping people with life coaching), with an opportunity to live the life I want with friends companionship.

There was a point in late June that I started changing the words I was telling myself. The first words I had uttered were that “my life ended the day Rachel left” but I turned it around and choked out the words, “my life began the day Rachel left.” I then added sentences like, “Rachel leaving is the universes way of saying that it loves me” and “I am going to have an amazing life!”

I encourage you to stop waiting for whatever choices that they need to make and simply choose to live. Live today! Live the best life that is available to you! I am doing it and there is definitely times of pain and there is a place to grieve. But there is also a place to live!

Reading these positive stories of recovery from both men and women give me hope. Thanks to all who contribute.