Ladies,
It’s time to call online cheating, online dating, online sex, and all the things related to women and the internet The New Epidemic. In this new age, the internet is making it way too easy for our cheating husbands to make advances toward women via the internet – and the women that they are interacting with are ruining families all across the world. It starts off all innocent, and the next thing you know your cheating husband is meeting some hooker after work that he met online!!
Every day, 100 women find out their husband was cheating online. OK. I JUST MADE THAT UP. But even though I have no facts to back it up, I think it is actually more than 100 a day 
.
We are dealing with the online cheating aspect that our previous generation never had to deal with. It’s not like you can call mom up and get advice about how your husband proactively reached out to someone on getahottie.com.
Because these issues are coming up with the current generation of women and wives, we are going to have to stick together and support each other. I don’t claim to have all the answers, but I do know that while I love the internet, I also know the internet made it easy for him to reach out to women, which he did. And you want to know a little secret??? I was the one who got him into the internet!! Oh baby, the internet is so cool, you can find out about jobs, get the latest news, connect with friends, let me show you, blah, blah, blah. How was I supposed to know that he was going to use my computer training to train himself on how to connect with other women? The nerve!! Maybe next time around, I will live way out on a farm with no TV, Computers or Cell Phones, that way I know I got him (until he meets the neighbor next door)…..just kidding!! Sometimes we have to laugh and make light of our situation, it really does help with the pain sometimes. Good night ladies!!
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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
This is how it all started with my husband! Of course he said they’ve never met but how true is that? We’ve only been married 1 year 5 months How is it possible to stay with someone if they have already done it once in such a short period of time?
Hello Ashley,
I gotta tell you from experience (my husband cheated soon after marriage as well), it is possible to recover, but takes a TON of work from both parties. I was actually willing, but my husband wasn’t. Plus I think that both cheating and talking with women online are highly addictive, which doesn’t help. I would really take some time, dig deep and think about what you want in a relationship. Then I would do some of the things I talk about in my free ebook like see if he is really dedicated and committed to working things out. If he is saying ‘I don’t see what the big deal is…’ – not a good sign. If this just happened recently then it might be ok, but if 3 months later, he is still saying things of that nature, I would not leave right away, but I would start to think about your plan B for your life, and what that would look like. Best of luck, I actually hope it works out in your best interest, whatever you decide to do.
-Jewels
My husband’s “mistress” friended him on Facebook. They went to the same elementary school together and her sister worked for my husband’s mother. He says she initiated the “meet”. I thought that would make a difference to me, but it doesn’t. He agreed to meet her. That was probably about the time he “un-friended” me on FB. Though I love the technology of the internet and texting, I hate them right now…….they are major triggers when he’s on his computer or texting on his phone. Or when I call or text him and he doesn’t answer right away, I can feel my anxiety level (and blood pressure) rise!
Hello MS,
Yes!! I remember literally feeling sick to my stomach when my husband was online. I just read some study from lawyers that state that 50% of all divorces have a Facebook element to it. That is crazy!! I am going to write a post about it. Stay strong, I know this is a crazy time for you, I feel it through your post. Get as much rest as you can, I literally stressed my self to the hospital several times before I learned how to deal with the situation.
I’ve just found sexual conversation (if you can call it that) on my husbands phone between him and a colleague of his. We have an 8 week old baby and been married for under 2 years. He says it never went further but how do i trust that?? Before I was pregnant I had a much higher sexual drive than him but never considered for a moment that i should look elsewhere, but now since I’ve had my baby I haven’t actually been able to ‘perform’. If i believe it never went further – how do I stop the ‘what if’s’ … I know that if I didn’t have a baby a decision would be much easier to make but I have to consider my child!! How do I know that he wouldn’t have gone further – that it was innocent flirting as he calls it? How do I trust him not to do it again. Surely if the thought is in your head and you’re discussins sexual fantasies with another woman – that is almost as bad as actually cheating??
Your story brings back so many painful memories. I remember being pregnant and beating myself up because I didn’t have sex drive anymore, I think my hormones were out of whack. I remember being pregnant and finding my husband’s very sexy text messages. His (my husband’s) were pretty obvious that this was an affair. Here is my opinion on your situation – if he is willing to send another women a sexy text, then he is willing to have sex with her, and probably already did. Men typically will deny affairs unless there is absolute proof. You don’t flirt in that manner with just a friend. With that said, you have a child, and I know first hand how it feels when you find this out right after you had a child together (it is horrible!!). So here is what I recommend for you.
You have a child. You are going to be paranoid for a while because of what you saw, there is no way around it. Continue to try to talk to your husband, if he gets mad and doesn’t want to talk about it – take note, something is probably up. If it was just an innocent flirt – can he call her while your on the line listening? If he isn’t willing to do that (I don’t care if it is uncomfortable for him, your the wife, and he should be doing what he can to make it work). If he doesn’t want to do it – take note.
Now, you need to start putting together what I call your plan B. Plan B is when you find out that the man you marriage might not be prince charming. Plan B is figuring out your potential exit strategy. I am not saying do anything at this point, just think about your options over the next 6 months. If you had to leave, how could it work out? I have my mental plan in place, but it took me over a year to really get some action going because I have 2 kids and I can’t just leave. Again, I would want nothing more than for both of you to work it out, but I want you to start thinking about your Plan B, so that if the event shall occur that you would have to leave, mentally, you will be in a good state. Just my little old opinion…
Take care of you and the newborn…boy I remember those sleepless nights with the baby and the ‘is he still cheating’ thing – awful. But things will get better for you personally….
I was in a “fairy tale” relationship where I was genuinely happy for the first time in my life. My husband and I have been together for 12 years, and the first time I caught him was 5 years ago (at the 7 year itch point?). He swore he would never hurt me like that again, because I fell so far. It turns out that he never did stop. He was on the internet, and on the telephone….and although he swore he never met any of these women in person.(and even though they all live hours and hours away)…..I still had to get STD/HIV tested for my own peace of mind.
He has a huge problem with this…..60 or 70 women online…..looking anonymously for something that’s missing in him. Thank God I have a great therapist helping me through this.
We have 4 children (biologically mine) and we are trying to work it out. He has begun some intense therapy with a wonderful therapist and I am learning that this can be a serious addiction like drinking or gambling. What makes an alcoholic take that first drink? Does he wake up in the morning and say “Gee, I think I’ll screw up my life for awhile, lose my children, and screw up my life?” I’m learning it’s all about ineffective coping (which I personally, may be queen of presently).
If hubby wasn’t seeing someone, I would have zero hope. The things he wrote were disgusting (more because he was writing these things with someone ELSE). The way he talked about me in a derogatory manner in order to excuse his own behavior may be the thing that has hurt me the most. I know he says he loves me….that this was all just fantasy…but words cut and wound terribly.
I’m not certain what tomorrow will bring, but today, I am still trying. However, I think it’s difficult for him (or anyone who hasn’t been through this) how raw I still am after 6 months. He did a lot of this during his work day (some job, huh?) and even after getting fired from one job for doing this, he STILL could not stop. My heart starts beating quickly the second he leaves for work…and flies into my throat every time his phone rings.
Thank you for letting me vent. I could really use some knowledge of a light at the end of this proverbial tunnel (heck, IS there even a light? Is there even a TUNNEL?) For the very first time in my life I feel lost in the dark with no lights and no compass. I have been severely depressed…I have been severely anxious….and I have wanted to take some severe revenge on these women who knew he was married and still had no qualms. Why do we do this to each OTHER, as women???
Anyway, thanks again….
“If hubby wasn’t seeing someone”…..by this, I mean, he’s seeing a very good therapist.
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, thanks!….
What I’ve read from above, pretty much matches my scenario. My husband has an online, Facebook blonde whom excites him, makes him laugh, and talks the nasty dirty the way he likes it. His argument is, he would never (replace word) bonk – her! It’s just role playing, fantasy – but he’s in his later 50′s, and we’ve been married 7 years, and he has an addictive personality – drinker big time, after 8pm mind you. You see, because he only starts after 8 – he says he’s not an alcoholic. Once that gets in him, he stays up late, until 3:30 in the morning, on facebook, being Mr. Witty, Clever, Charming – drawing in women who think he’s adorable and funny, and BAM – three facebook affairs. From 2009, where he was in two at once, I found out, had all the evidence, he blocked them – tried to play reformed. Now, 2010 – another one, this one he’s hanging on to and stating, it’s just a fantasy role play for kicks. That I still love you, but I love HER in a different way.
I have to leave… there’s no way for this to work. This morning, he also told me I was boring in bed, and that he wanted someone that made him feel good – but – that he would never do her, or anyone else, it’s just to thrill of the excitement.
Me, I’m still collecting all the bits and pieces of my intestines, heart and stomach and trying to fit them back together to function normal once more.
Hello MFields,
I did goof and respond to the wrong comment, so I am replacing it with this comment
The first thing that struck a nerve with me is that he said that you were boring in bed. How awful to hear this while you know that he is engaging in sexual fantasy conversation with other women, that is a very hurtful thing to say at this time in your marriage. Don’t listen to him, if you were bad in bed, he would of never married you!! Typically people project, so the comment he made to you is secretly how he things of himself 
.
It seems like now that you have experienced this 3 times, your and your done. If this is the case, it seems like your on the path to start thinking about your exit strategy and how that would look. It’s a shame that the internet has so many positive uses for society but many married men use it in this manner. Best of luck to you.
I can’t believe that when men go on line and forget they are married, we women are then supposed to waste our energy, time and emotions to
“work with these poor” men who deep down do know better.
My husband sat six feet away from me texting prostitutes in Mexico, asking them their rates, after I just made him his favorite dinner.
I am divorcing him, who needs this garbage in their lives.
Hello Donna,
Your right, they all know better. The part where I see the ‘these poor men’ play out is when we actually leave – they act like the thought of us leaving if we found out never crossed their mind, which really angers me, it’s quite arrogant. But once we leave they know they lost a good thing. Anyways, good luck with the divorce!
I don’t know what to do. My husband was caught 8 years ago by someone’s husband sending dirty fantasy sex emails to his wife. The guy finally called me to blow him in. I was devastated. There was no physical relationship just messages. About 6 months ago I found that he was deleting emails and forgetting to dump the trash so I took a look and sure enough he was flirting and talking sexy with a girl on his phone and emails. He promised me he loved me he told me it would NEVER happen again. Then he got angry because I asked too many questions and said I was never going to get over this, all in the same night. Yesterday,day after my birthday I saw some facebook messages from a girl that were a little flirty. At one point she said to check out her ass wed pic. he replied something like wow that was enlightening. She then told him that she could be his hot tour manager he replied that he could be her enthusiastic camera guy but he doesn’t have a camera so she would just have to bent over and he could say click. This prompted me to so some searching. I found a secret email acct with almost nothing read on it but did notice one that had about 50 messages that was read. I looked into it and it was full of advise, silly talk,and then something about him climbing all over her like a jungle guy. He also stated that he was bummed that she had a new boyfriend because he wouldn’t be getting anymore sexy pics of her. The one said DDDDEEEEllicious ass and tummy not to mention your tits, I already love your moth so everything between them and your mouth is an amusement park. I confronted him and he cried and told me I was the only girl for him and that he has never even touched another girl and that this one lives out of the country. He told me he didn’t really think much of it, same story as the last time. He is a good person I don’t believe that he has physically cheated, he’s a wonderful father. But come to find out that he has been talking to her for 3 years! I can count on one hand how many times we have had successful sex in 3 years. He blames it on old age and the fact that I take to long to orgasm have been with him for 20 years and have basically begged him to be romantic or at least tender with me and he never can do it. If he rubs my back as soon as I tell him that it feels nice he stops, he hates kissing. What is wrong with me? Am I a total fool? I love him disparately and I don’t want to grow old without him. He is 48 and I am 39 and all the girls he has had these interactions with have been 20 years younger than him. I am heartbroken. Should I divorce him?
Hello Mel,
It seems like your husband has a problem with engaging in these sexy conversations with women online. The one lady he has been talking to for 3 years is a bit much and needs special attention if you are going to make this work. You ask if you should divorce him, this is just my opinion, I always tel women to go with what you feel is the best decision for you.
The first think I will say is that you really seem to want to work things out with your husband, which is great, but your husband has to want it just as much. This is the second time you have caught him in a lie about online cheating. It is extremely hard to trust again after uncovering lies for the second time. I would see if your husband would consider going to therapy to deal with his online addiction. He has to get to the root of what is causing him to interact with women online. Even when you say when he rubs your back and you say you like it, he stops, there is something within himself that he needs to deal with. Many men cheat because they feel the need to be validated, and you can be the best wife in the world, if they don’t have the confidence within themselves (due to getting older, money ect.), they will search for it, and going online is a popular option unfortunately. Also I am almost positive that the way he talks to those girls via email is not the way he talks to you. Many men have the urge to talk dirty but don’t want to do it to their ‘wife’ so they sneak and do it with other women. I say all this to say your husband has a problem, and the only way for the marriage to survive is if he admits he has a problem, and gets the proper help to address his problem. Lastly, you mention that you are 39 and you don’t want to grow old without him. I just want you give you a little news flash – you don’t have to worry about growing old just yet, you are 39…(smile). For you personally, I feel that there is some confidence/dependency issues, I may be guessing from your style of writing, but I get the feeling like you feel helpless, and just know no matter what happens, you have options. I wish you the best!!
Hi Jewels,
Like the other ladies, I too have had issues with the internet and my husband.
We have only been married for 4 months, but have been together for 5 years. We also have a 5 week old daughter.
I checked my husbands phone on Saturday, and discovered text messages to both men and women (several different people) talking about hook ups for last week when I was away visiting family. It didnt appear that they occured, but definately looked like there was intent. I questioned him, and of course he profusly denied ever meeting them – instead said that they instigated it! As far as I am concerned it takes two to tango! Or in some of the messages case – 3!
Then today I also checked one of his email accounts, and saw he was emailing another man about hooking up after work, with what looks to be ever night after work.
The issue I am now confronted with is that this is not the first time this has happened in our relationship – infact I have busted him 3 times before! Except now seems that bit more serious, he is putting down our sex life (or lack there of because of lengthy recovery from delivery), my house cleaning etc, to the point where I cry every night.
He has very little to do with our little girl and cracks it when she crys etc.
My question is, do you think this sort of relationship is able to be fixed – or should I just bite the bullet and end it now! I still love him, but definately can’t trust him, and dont think I ever can.
Thanks
Hello everyone… I’m back.
Jewel, you are so right, it is an Epidemic. I’m back to let you and all know what’s going on now.
I left…
That blew him away, because he honestly thought there was no way that I would leave him. He thought I loved him so much that I would sulk a bit and then accept it I guess – I’m not sure what he though. Well, not long after posting here, I left one morning to get groceries after the previous night, where the final straw broke the camels back. ME… the camel.
Instead of shopping, I went into the emergency housing agency in town. Trying to keep myself under control while asking for help, I totally lost it in the housing office. Talk about humiliating myself… but… I couldn’t get myself back under control. I’d been calling them previous to this breakdown – pleading for a place to go to. There was a waiting period they could do nothing about.
Well, that day… when I went it, I was in such a hysterical state, sobbing, unable to speak, but through desperate force, I was able to get out what I was going through. They took what they saw very serious.
Labelling it as mental, emotional and verbal abuse, they IMMEDIATELY got on the phone and called three women’s shelters and found one for me that had an opening, and they asked, would I consider going to one to get away from him? I said… YES… PLEASE… YES… I beg you get me out of there, yes yes yes!!
It took them 2 hours to get it set up. In the meantime, my husband who was stone sober the next morning … was already regretting the night before, he must have felt that he’d gone too far this time. He started texting me, calling my mobile. I ignored him. Calling me sweetheart, Luv, and other endearments, with… “Where are you? Text me back… call me – I’m worried about you.”
When they had everything set up, I had two hours to go home, gather what I would be taking and van would be there to pick me up, because I didn’t have a car. They wanted to know did I need the police, and I told them, he’s not physically violent – I would be okay.
When I returned home – he had the face of – “What have I done, I’m sorry.” Not realizing that I was leaving until he noticed that I was rushing up the stairs to bring my bags down from the attic. When I came down with three, and began taking my own computer apart, he had stood the whole time looking at me incredulous. As if he didn’t quite get it.
Long story short, I broke down and told him that I loved him, and I wanted him to be happy. That I wasn’t it – the means for him to be happy. I told him I hope that she – makes you happy, but I can’t live this way… I’m not made up this way. I’ll be back for my other things later… I wish you well.
That floored him! It was the last thing he expected me to do, actually leave him. I lived in the shelter for 6 weeks. During that time, he had to face some hard and fast facts about himself and what he did to us. His children, were all over his case – especially his daughters – because both love and respect me.
We’re back together… to trust him again was the biggest fight I’ve even endured. Do I trust him now? Nope… I have my doubts. But the good thing is… I know I can leave… I did it before, and if I have to do so again, it will be permanently. He knows this, is sure of it. During this year since… I’m almost at the point where I can take care of myself from home. I’m a writer, and my royalties are just about to the amount that if I left, I wouldn’t need a dime from him.
He’s back to the man he was before… almost. To be fair in this, I have to give his side of the story. He had his thyroid zapped… his GP was supposed to supply him with Hormone replacement and didn’t. He spent almost two years going down and changing into someone I didn’t know anymore. Will we make it? I don’t know… it’s almost the anniversary of when I left him, and I pray he’s got his stuff together, but he knows… he can tell, after what he put me through before… I’m not the same. THIS TIME… should it happen again, I won’t come undone… WE … will just be done… for good this time.
@ Jewell… You are right , i want to work thing out for my children my old is 21 and 13 is the youngest, they think the world of their daddy and I don’t want that to change. I don’t want them to think all men are men are pigs, although I am not sure it is the right thing to do. It has not been 3 women it has been 5, I also neglected to tell you that I have made out with a man 3 years ago. i couldn’t be remorseful I just wanted to feel wanted and my husband hadn’t kissed me in YEARS ( like twice passionately in 10 yeas) I know that is NO excuset!!!. I mean NO physical intimacy aside from sex. It almost like I disgust him. I am soo embarassed, humiliated and I feel simply unwanted. I think at this point this I will quit completely ( that ay lead to forever. I don’t think he desires me at all at this point and it breaks my heart. I don’t want to grow old alone. I really want to grow old with him but at this pace I’m not sure I am wasting my time on a back burner. He plays music and there are many fan girls 15 to 30 years younger than I and I am stating to think that they might be what he wants at this point, I know it wasn’t that way before, but things have seriously changed. All the girls he talks to are 3 to 7 years older than our oldest daughter.. I SIMPLY can’t make him happy or even make him want to be with me anymore. I feel like my life is completely a waist . I really just want to drop dead, this pain in my heart is just too overwhelming
That is certainly not an excuse for my actions but i JUST WANTED TO BE PASSIONATELY WANTED. NEVER DID I WANT TO BE WITH HIM…… NEVER. I simPly wanted to feel like I was desired, I used him to make me feel desired. I wasn’t even sexually attracted to him at ALL. At the time I did know about the one girl that he email for over a year, maybe two, he even had me talk on the phone about her moving there ( she was in real estate agent).
I want passion back, I cant live without it. I don’t mean making out everyday and sex constantly I just want him to inisiate some true love making. He said maybe to me that maybe he wasn’t in to in because we needed to get more creative to make him happy. I feel (right or wrong) that I am a sole initiaitor and the I am THE CREATIVE ONE INE IN BEDROOM. I FEEL HELPLESS!!!! I can’t think of any more ideas and he expects them to all come from me. This may be something I set up in the begining. I did things he had never done with anyone, ever. Thing he is way to shy to try but I can’t always one up it ,and I feel like that is expected of me.
I give him amazing oral sex as often as I can and it hasn’t been reciepicated in nearly 5 years. Because I have brought it up to him I feel dicusisng and if he were to do it that it would be a giant chore. Also he feels no need to satisfiy me when he can’t preform. I always make sure I take care of him when it isn’t the rare occasion that I am soooo resentful that he feels no obligation to me. We had sudo sex the other night and i was so would up that I had to chill out away from him and his first question to me was” do you was to take the vibrator”. Oh my god!!! I just wanted to die, I could not believe that he wouldn’t give an inch to satisfy obligation to satisfy me. I am a child of sexual abuse so certain things just don’t work for me. Pushing my head between his legs sends me into this horrible place and I don’t want to make him feel creepy but fuck it makes me angry and sick. How do I communicate that. I have certainly pushed hints buy nothing seems to work.
Anyway my self esteem is already shit but at this point I don’t know if we should even be together. I love him like nobody I could ever love, but i am not feeling those feelings back. Al feel from him is obligation and guilt. I am hopelessly in love but I don’t think I can keep myself alive like this anymore f he doesn’t love me I just want to leave this worly. How can i DO THIS WITHOUT RINING MY CJILDREN AND PARENTS. I truly think they are all better without me. I am nothing to most of them, at least thats what I feel.
Tank you, Mel
What’s is always hard to deal with on a daily basis is the trust. I want to trust him and have tried but the gut feeling never goes away. My oldest son today got a new lap top (he has autisim, so I know he doest look at porn or would go into chat rooms) and I had to tell my husband to refrain from looking at porn on his sons computer. my husband just made a noise and left the room.
I don’t like being the monitor all the time but it seems that I always will be because there is no trust. His way of dealing with his cheating on me for over 5yrs (all on line, accept for one time he was planning on meeting this one girl on our family vacation in Disneyworld. ) is to not think about it anymore and to do nothing like counseling. While I fester in my thoughts daily about his betrayal! The only reason his never met up with the OW was because he husband called me the night before our flight to Disneyworld and told me of their plans. She left her IM chat open on the computer so he saw everything. They lived in Chicago and us in California. She was a desperate lady unhappy in her marriage so she looked for another. Well to make a long story short her husband divorced her and I stayed with mine. some days I still wonder why I stayed. Was it because both my boys now men 18yrs & 21yrs old have autistim? Maybe I just didn’t want change, or to loose everything I worked hard for. Some days I just wish I had an affair to through in his face to see how he would handle it.