Today, I am going to try to explain the most popular type of online affairs. As many of you know, the internet has changed the game of cheating. It has made it easier to cheat, and easier to get caught. I do think there are different types of online affairs. While this post won’t answer the age old question of Why did he cheat?, it will shed some light into the world of online affairs, something many women on this site can relate to.
Facebook Cheating – This is the type where they ‘friend’ an old flame, or a potential flame that never manifested. What typically happens is one party is usually more interested than just ‘being friends’ on facebook. They engage, exchange numbers, and next thing you know, you have a cheating husband. It happens every day.
Craigslist Cheating – This one is a little more advanced, it is where a husband literally posts or searches ad’s for sexual encounters with women. There is intent here, and I don’t think that people that post personal ads on Craigslist are looking for ‘friendship’.
I’m Single eHarmony/Match.com – This is where the cheater will join one of these single dating sites and displays on their profile page a picture of them 20 years ago that says ‘single’ when really they are married with kids. The sad thing is I like the idea behind matching people’s personalities from a dating perspective (now mind you I have never been on them). I have met several people (single people) who married the person they found though these services, but unfortunately, we have many cheaters that love to hide behind these types of sites.
Porno Hubby – This is where your husband is addicted to those porn sites. They think they can control it, and then they get addicted, and then they try to live out what they see online, and next thing you know they are using an escort service.
Chat Room Cheating – Believe it or now, chat rooms/instant messaging are still alive and doing well. Men will chat it up with someone online, like the interaction, and again, will want to play out the fantasy that they have typed out. This is where the weekend hotels come into play.
AshelyMadison.com – This is a site where if you are married and want to cheat behind your partner’s back, go here and meet other lying, sneaky, disrespectful partners that would love to join you. I will stop by there before I end up writing a book on this type of foolishness. What has the world come to that this site has over 10 million members!!!
The thing that makes online affairs so attractive is that you can hide behind the internet. But as most women know, what you do in the dark eventually comes to light. I am sure there are other methods of cheating online; I just wanted to list the most popular types so that women don’t feel so alone.
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{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }
Well I can certainly relate to the above post. I didnt even know dating sites existed on the internet. Unfortunately my husband did and I can count about 6 dating sites he joined, plus facebook and other social networking sites. He did say he was married on these sites, but this didnt seem to be any deterrent to the women, he still managed to have sex with some of them. Despicable behaviour by him and all his “women” friends who knew he was married but couldnt give a **** about the wife and kids.
I was ignorant to dating sites and email accounts, basically because we didnt have a home computer. All his online activity was done during work hours. Some of his hook-ups were done during work hours. Oh how I wish I could write a letter to his work informing them of what he had been doing, but I cant afford for him to lose his job.
Have to go, he just arrived home.
OMG you need a hug! I wish I could knock on yo door and give u a big hug!
Im in theeeee SAME BOAT!!!!! i hate my husband right now!!!!
Oh yes Yvette! I HAte EM I Hate Him and oh yeah…….I HATE HIM! (I’ve only said I hated someone once in my life other than him) I hate him!
Lousie – What a story, 6 dating sites, cheating while working, and he put that he was married on these sites. That should be my next post, women who willingly accept cheating with a married man. It seems that he was really on an online mission to find women willing to participate in his games. Without a home computer, I am glad you finally realized what was going on, what happens in the dark always comes to light.
Want him to suffer/Yvette – I can totally see how the feelings of anger can be so strong. I was there, and I never thought I could have so much anger towards someone unless they physically harmed my family (now that I think about it, that is exactly what our husbands did!). I think the part that really gets to us, especially with the online stuff, is that they literally are putting it out there on purpose, with full intent to cheat – that will make a wife hate really quick. It’s hard to think that someone that says they love you would do such a thing, typically comprising their health and family in the process.
Yes Jewels, he was on a mission to find women. I have to try and think what triggered this behaviour, or wonder if I just unknowingly married a philanderer who had cheated in previous relationships. Curiously enough I met him through the personal ads before online dating was around. I really only knew him for a year before he proposed.
His reasons for doing what he did are that he claims we had a fight in 2003 and he wanted to make some new friends, and he then joined 3 dating sites in a month. (He didnt tell me that part, I found that out by looking at old creditcard statements). This continued behind my back for the next 5 years until one night I walked in on him on the home computer (yes we eventually got one), chatting to another woman. I think I had a nervous breakdown over it.
I thought a lot of married couples have the occasional argument/disagreement, that doesnt mean the husband has to start looking for other women while still married. If my husband had any decency or honesty he would’ve separated from me first if he wanted to pursue other women, not do it and deceive me.
He says in his mind he pushed me aside and lost interest in me. I wonder if he lost interest in me before or after he started meeting other women online? If he lost interest, he should have been open and honest with me, not allow me to linger in a marriage, watching me resign from my job, have another child and become financially dependent upon him. It was manipulation of my life to the extreme.
He should have been honest with me and let me decide my future, instead of him making me think I was in an real marriage. I just cant believe this went on so long and he didnt show a sign of anything.
As for the women willing to cheat with a married man, well my husband had said in his “profile” that he was married and hoping to stay that way and looking for someone in a similar situation. I guess he thought no relationship would develop if he was seeing another married person. Of the two women that I found out about (I honestly suspect there are many more that he will never reveal), one of them was married, who I believe was having a revenge affair on her husband who had cheated on her. Well if that is the way that woman takes out her revenge on her husband, by hurting an innocent mother and wife, she is truly a despicable, selfish *****. In one of her emails to my husband I read that she was thinking of leaving her husband, so I guess she was putting out feelers to see if he would do the same.
As for the other one, she was a single woman who advertised that she was willing to meet married men and therefore found a willing participant in my husband. I guess she was really just a desperate person with no boyfriend.
So it boils down to married people using dating sites to meet others to cheat. And yes it has made it so easy for them. I guess once you get on these sites and see how many other married people are on there you might start to think that everyone is doing it so why not you.
Good points Louise, that was my exact concept with my husband, if you were not happy, just tell me so I can do what I need to do, don’t go behind my back. That was one of the most frustrating parts of this whole situation, because I consider myself an open person, and I would of liked for him to be honest with me, unfortunately, it didn’t happen. And yes you are right, an argument does not equal cheating. It’s no justification for it. If that were the case both of us would of cheating on our husbands a long time ago! I think they get to a point where they just tell themselves a reason to make themselves feel good.
Dear Jewels, thank you so much for the articles. I have been dealing with a cheating husband for 5 years and last year I have finally decided to love myself and my baby daugther first, so I kicked him out. I have gone through all you have described, however after a year I am still fighting myself for ME.
Hello Saras,
You are very welcome. You have taken a great step in showing your husband that you love yourself and your daughter first, that is a HUGE accomplishment. Sometimes you can not be yourself and feel good about yourself in a marriage, and that is a problem, and if you have the type of husband that doesn’t respect how important your feelings are, then leaving is sometimes the best thing, as it was for me. I feel so much more alive. Now fighting for you takes time. It’s really in the small stuff that counts. Make sure you carve out time for yourself, that is important. It’s about getting your nails done and going out of the house looking fab, just because. It’s about reading your favorite novel or TV show just because. And it’s still a work in progress for me, but you should be excited of the possibility of growing more into yourself, it’s almost like your are discovering YOU, and it’s a wonderful experience. It also about making your needs a priority, which is sometimes hard with kids. But every time I think ‘oh maybe I should be at home with the kids all the time’, I think about how I would feel if my daughter was grown up and stayed at home all the time – no way!! I want her to see mommy go out and I want her to see mommy dress nice sometimes. I want her to see mommy carve out some time for her because she will learn through your actions, not your words. So cheers to you for taking the first step, which was a big one. The only way you have to go from here is up and I am excited for you to discover yourself more. And I am a big believer in affirmations, so when you get down, tell yourself that you are a great mom, and you are going to live your life with fun and joy because you deserve it. I promise if you say that to yourself enough times, life will meet that expectation for you. Take Care and keep in touch!!
MY HUSBAND HAD A 32 MONTH, HIGHLY SEXUAL AFFAIR WITH A 20 YEAR YOUNGER (UGLY,THO) CO-WORKER. EVEN AFTER HE LEFT THIS JOB, THEY CONTINUED THE AFFAIR, FOR ONE MORE AND A HALF YEARS. BOTH MARRIED. I FOUND OUT AFTER 2.5 YEARS. I WAS DEVASTATED. I DIVORCED HIM. BUT… HE WEASLED HIS WAY BACK INTO MY LIFE. I AM SO DEPENDANT ON HIM. HE IS THE SWEETEST , KINDESS MAN WHORE YOU’LL EVER MEET. WELL, I GOT HIM A SMART PHONE 3 MONTHS AGO. ALL HE DOES IS LOOK AT PORN ON THIS PHONE. NOW I SEE “LIVE CAM AND CHAT”. AND, DATING SITES. LIKE XXXCUPID.COM. AND, “PHONE SEX MATES”. I AM GOING INSANE. CAN THEY TALK AND INTERACT ON SMART PHONES? HE SAYS “NO”. JUST LOOK. AND, “IT ONLY MAKES ME WANT YOU, BABY.” HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!
HOW CAN I KNOW IF HE IS CHATTING WITH THESE NAKED WOMEN? CAN HE HIDE IT? I GO THRU HIS PHONE. OMG!!! THE WEB SITES, THE LIVE CAMS. HOW CAN I KNOW FOR CERTAIN? IS THERE ANY WAY??? I AM LOSING IT.
Hello Rebecca,
I am not sure if there is a way you can know for sure. I think the biggest issue is that you forgave him, and these website’s are giving you big ‘triggers’ about the past affairs that he had. Trust is such a big part of recovery, so if he is hiding things from you, that can easily give you that pit in your stomach. Now if you established early on that porn watching was ok, then that is different. But if you had no idea that he was engaging in this way, and you find out via phone, that is not good. Now my alert trigger for you was in the sentence that you are so dependent on him. That has to change, even if you stay with him. Because your husband probably knows you are dependent on him and when people know that, they sometimes take advantage. You have to work on building yourself up to the point where you are not dependent on him, so that you being with him is a choice because of the way he makes you feel. I know that concept might be hard to see now, but it starts with reviewing the situation and saying if there is no other evidence that I find, what would I do? Going and searching and trying to prove is being too dependent on his actions. Take what you have, evaluate, and based on that, let your husband know what YOU want. If you are ok with him on video Porn but not web cam of phone sex stuff, tell him. If you want him to be fully transparent, tell him. And if he doesn’t agree, it’s ok. Start to plan how you will react. What that does it put’s Rebecca’s wants at the top of the table, doesn’t matter if he agrees or not, you both can discuss. But what it does is it let’s him know you are not going to put your feelings to the side like that ‘dependent’ woman of the past, and you don’t have time to dwell for certain. This is what I saw, and this is how I would like us to handle it, unless you have a better idea. You cant change people, he can continue to do whatever, despite what you say. But the key is that you are putting your voice into the table and saying it is a priority. That is where I would start
Hi Jewels,
First I would like to thank you for taking the time to do this site, even though my situation is slightly different I believe the feelings are the same and reading your posts have helped me a lot.
I’ll clarify how my situation is slightly different, I don’t think (I’m 99% positive) that my husband had not physically cheated on me….yet. I believe if I hadn’t stepped in when I did he would have though. I had an inkling that he had a crush on a co-worker because he talked about her on occasion, then it got to be that when he said her name it was in an affectionate tone. They were having phone conversations so of course there was that phone attached to him like it was a matter of national security. They were texting and she would send him very inappropriate porn jokes. Of course he made sure to delete texts so I wouldn’t know. All the secrets and yet he had the nerve to think I would believe they were just friends goofing around, just like any guy friend. The whole time (April through December) he treated me horribly! Name calling if we argued, and always in a foul mood! Sex was almost non existent but I now know that’s a different problem….maybe even what caused him to start paying attention to this gal who’s 20 + years younger in the first place. He blamed the non existent sex on ME! When he knew all along he had a problem.
He apologized, he promised it wouldn’t happen again but I find it hard to trust him. I don’t get what I need from him in the marriage and I know I never will. He says he’s not good at showing his feelings and I say it’s hard to tell he has any to show. We’ve been married 22 yrs and I’ve always known that and lived with it just fine, however he really hurt me when he didn’t talk to me and he was talking to another women, when he didn’t treat me like a friend but he did her, when he stopped showing any affection toward me but would sound affectionate when he said her name.
I wouldn’t feel anymore hurt if he had had sex with her. It’s been months now and we get along but I don’t trust him and I wonder if that will last forever and if I can stand the way it eats at me….forever. I keep a close eye on him without him knowing, because I don’t ever want to be blind sided again. It’s exhausting and emotionally draining. I sure hope I can get over this and move on, I wish someone could give me the magic number of months or years that it will take for me to quit having this sick feeling when I check phone logs or when I may feel it’s no longer even necessary to check them…..wow that would be great!
Sorry for the rambling book. But THANK YOU for being here for me to post it.
Right now I’m just skimming through this site seeing that I’m not alone. I feel so alone though. I’m not even sure how to begin. My husband has been talking with other women that he met on craigslist. Even though I’m not sure if anything sexual has happened it hurts just as much. We have been together for 17 years and I’m not sure what to do. Over the years I have ben trough allot with him alcoholism
Hi Lisa – my soon to be ex husband is a gambler and OH A CHEATER TOO! Any addiction in itself is a difficult thing to go through…the lies, deceit, disrespect, abuse, mistreatment, etc. Its emotionally draining….17 years…you sacrificied a lot. You know I was going to help my husband with his gambling, but when he started to contact other women…I just didn’t want to deal with him anymore. He took it to whole different level.
This is just my perspective…I think in my case, he is looking for a way to escape. The gambling thing is causing him pain and no longer satisfying his needs for temporary happiness…basically doesn’t have the same effect as before. Cheating can be a high…the chase, fantasy, no serious life ties (money, family, etc). There are bigger issues below the surface.
I HATE HIM. But I have to not ENABLE him, make think that his cheating is ok or the gambling. He find some other girl that will put up with this krap.
Take reality for what it is…remember actions not words…I REALLY REALLY HATE HIM.
Hello Lisa,
I am glad that you do not feel alone, that is why I created this site. Like Daisy said, I think your husband is looking for an escape as well, maybe the alcohol isn’t enough, and now he thinks other women will satisfy him (but it won’t). My husband contacts girls via facebook before I found out about the affair and it literally hurt my stomach to see what he wrote. As far as what should you do? Know it is NOT your job to make him sober, just as it is not your job to stop him from talking to other women on craigslist. I think as women we sometimes take the burden of trying to fix another human being, especially our husbands, but it doesn’t really work because the person has to want to make a change within himself. If your husband is committed to getting help, put him to the test, request that he set up counseling for himself and you as a couple, request access to his email and phone if you ask, not all the time. What I mean is that if you want to check his phone at a random time during the week, would that be ok? I don’t recommend installing devices, but I do think he should be open to letting you see his phone on occasion or email unless he has something to hide. These things will give you indicators as to if he is willing to really make a change. If he is not, then don’t force it, it won’t work. At that time you should turn to yourself, look at your life, your goals and the entire situation and see what YOU want to do next. Just my opinion. Best of luck, I hope at the least he is willing to go to therapy….
Daisy, thanks for your support and response to Lisa!
Hi, ive been with my husband for 6 years [last week actually]. For the past 2 weeks he has been distant but still messaged me at work telling me he loves me and i am his world etc etc..
im so alone i dont know what to do 
In the last week he has been stuck to his phone. Ive always been a jealous type person and only in the last yr have i come to fully trust that he would never cheat on me. After noticing how often he was on his phone i checked his internet history when he fell asleep.
3 profiles were on there for various sex buddy websites and oasis dating. All the info he had put was a bit incorrect about himself esp putting that he was taller etc, however he had his profile photo of his chest. My husband has an amazing built body and i felt sick to my stomach when i was looking at what i had found. Even on one website he had taken a photo of his p**is.
I confronted him and as soon as he saw my face he just broke down and told me that he swore it was nothing more than a bit of fun, he had only been signed up for 1 week and that he would never actually meet up with any of these girls and that he couldnt even talk to them [apparently he had to use a credit card and he didnt want to do that]. He said the only person he had spoken to was someone from the USA [im in australia] which i already knew because i had checked her profile.
Its been 4 days and i havnt seen him. He has seen me about 50 texts saying hes so sorry he f***ed up and that he doesnt know why he did it because he was perfectly happy and he wishes he could die for hurting me so much. Hes left bout 15 voicemails begging me to call him so he can explain.
My whole world has shattered my husband was the LEAST person you would expect to do this, even his close cousin was in disbelief because its so out of character.. He literally worships the ground i walk on he is so sweet and doesnt even check out other girls in public??
I messaged him and asked if he would be willing to see a psychologist and he said yes he would do anything..
I dont know what to do i spiral from anger to depression to tears all over and over. Im so hurt but what im most worried about is that HOW LONG WOULD IT HAVE HAPPENED FOR IF I HADNT FOUND OUT?
ive created my own profiles on these sites and can confirm all you can do on 2 of them is “wink” at a person unless you join up and pay. He swears the convo with the girl in the USA was nothing sexual and he didnt have a profile photo up either on this site. He asks me to trust him that he would never ever have met up with anyone, how can i trust when everything i thought i knew is being questioned
Hello Devistated,
I understand you caught your husband on 3 sex sites, your instincts must of known something was going on. It doesn’t appear that he actually had sex with someone, which is good. If I were in your shoes, I would do exactly what you did, ask him to see someone. Because there has to be a reason for why he did what he did, and saying ‘it won’t happen again’ would not give me a warm and fuzzy because how do you know. Now if he went to therapy and found that he has a problem with needing women to want him because of his lack of confidence, bingo, now your getting somewhere. It seems that he is embarrassed about the sites and the fact that he is calling and pleading and willing to do anything is actually a good sign. Now he has to actually put action in place. Tell him to go set up the appointment and let you know when they are. At some point I would actually have you join so you can understand him as well. You might want to consider going to therapy as well to understand your own emotions and how you feel, this type of betrayal is not easy to get over. Lastly, there has to be a conversation around trust. Why did he not feel he could go to you with these feelings? He has to get to the bottom of it if you have a chance of saving the marriage, which I believe you do. Take care, I hope things work out for you!
My husband has been decietful and devious towards our marriage the entire 71/2 yrs weve been together. From adultfriendfinder not even months after we married, to the latest chatroom video messaging. He’s been seeking out his ex girlfriend everytime i look, and he makes excuses like “he’s bored” or we were fighting…but to me I think it is that he feels inadequate in our relationship so he seeks out acceptance elsewhere. we have two small children and I hesitate to leave him because of this and because I love him; but these things kill my confidence and ruin my self esteem. He looks at other women, and recently since this semster started now he has started trying to look his best for class…when in previous semesters (different school) he just wore sweats. On one hand I want to have an affair of my own and find someone to make me feel worthy and beautiful because I do NOT get hat here…but its just not my personality. I want it to work or i want out. I hate who I’ve become through all these years of lies and decpetion. I can’t trust him and his motives. Even when hes caught he lies and tries to minimize what he’s done..or makes ME the villian (can you believe it) and says i violate his privacy! If its not online contact, texting, callling, facebook, myspace, porn…it NEVER ENDS! Men are just pigs and I pray I do a better job with my boys…
Aaliyah,
If he has been deceitful your entire marriage that is not cool. Let me change someone around that you say, instead of “he feels inadequate in our relationship so he seeks out acceptance”, change that line to read “he feels inadequate so he seeks out acceptance”. Meaning his lack of self acceptance has nothing to do with you, it is on him. I want you to realize that because many women think that it’s because of their looks, the arguments, ect, as to why he cheats. And like your husband, most men that are cheating will feel you that information and make you feel like it’s your fault (which is really just an attempt to make themselves feel better). I know you have two boys and it’s such a tough call to make, but I do want you to take the time to envision what life would be like if you did leave. The only reason I say that is because more than anything your boys need to see a strong confident mom, because they are going to soak up how you act, not what you say. So it’s important that you make a priority to feel good. And I know you mentioned maybe going and cheating as well, but I will tell you it won’t make how you feel go away, you might feel good for a moment, but that overall negative energy is being caused by his constant cheating and lies. So again, no need to act, but just think about what life would be like if you did leave, your support network, ect. Take Care.
My husband has been caught with the ads on single sites, facebook bs, chatrooms, n is always gettin caught for watchin porn… wish there was a site that could link women who r questioning the faithfullness of their spouse together and give us the options to willingly set up some kinds of “stings” when we feel like we are out of other options. I realize I should have walked away the 1st time I had to deal with his crap but after almost 16 yrs…(been together since 7th grade) its a lot harder then I thought it would be…
trappedwife, I too felt trapped when my husband had many sex accounts set up to meet OW and even went as far as setting up times and places with whores. His excuse was it’s just fantasy. But he was so addicted to the porn he never knew how bad it was until I asked for a divorce. He also was addicted to alcohol they do go together. I have been married almost 24yrs and thought this would never happen to me. Technology has made it way to easy for people to cheat these days. Ask you husband would he like it if you were online do what he is doing. The answer will be NO! So what do you do? Ask hm to go to joint counseling with you so you can find out why he needs this so much. He may just have a lot of insecurities that he hasn’t dealt with. You still can leave or stay with him it’s your decision! Until men have this done to them they will never understand the damage they do to our soul’s.
LisaP,
I’ve asked to go to couciling and confronted him repeatedly but he says “its not like I play with myself everytime I watch porn… I only watch it to have a distraction when I have a few minutes. I don’t have a problem.” But to me it is a major problem. He don’t drink alcohol at all n has been drug free for many years. He claims that couciling won’t solve anything cause it will only be one sided on all the things he does wrong n not my flaws. I have threatened to leave once and he changed for about 2 weeks then it was back to the same old bs. Its scary in some ways because I’m not sure what to expect next or how far he will take things. I wish he could see the damage he is doing to my soul. Maybe then reality would hit him.
trapped wife, It’ sounds like your husband is still in denial that this affects him as well as you. since my husband has been in AA for 5 months he has only gone back to porn 4 times. He used to go there 2times day everyday. I have a spyware program so I can see eveything he does. It’s my form of protecting myself from being made a fool of again. So I do know it can be an addiciton. I don’t mind porn once in a while but when it got out of hand I wanted out of the marriage. He choices was porn over family. My husband turned 52 yesterday and acts like he is a horny 15yr old all the time. Men really don’t want to grow up and take the man of the house role.
I found this article on addiction with a Dr’s advice and thought I would share it. This is from a man’s point of view. It might have even been Dr. Drews site, I can’t remember, But I copied it and saved.
Is Internet Pornography Cheating?
Internet pornography is a growing trend that has many people worried about their relationships. Is it cheating? And is it a “normal guy thing”?
• It is not OK behavior. It is a perverse and ridiculous intrusion into your relationship. It is an insult, it is disloyal and it is cheating.
• Consider how it makes your partner feel. If it makes your partner feel ugly, hurt, deceived, lied to or inadequate, then it needs to stop. If it is eroding your relationship, it’s gone too far.
• Pornography isn’t real, it’s a fantasy. It’s makeup, beauty lenses, hair extensions, camera angles, lighting and silicone! It’s also somebody’s daughter who has taken a really, really wrong turn. She’s demeaning herself, debasing herself, humiliating herself and she’s being exploited by people who are funded by you. It is a sick, demented, twisted world. It’s not healthy, it’s not natural and it’s not normal.
• Viewing Internet pornography or engaging in cybersex is a short step to taking cheating to the next level.
• You need to tell your partner that viewing pornography is absolutely, unequivocally unacceptable in your relationship. Draw a line: Your partner needs to choose between the pornography or the relationship.
Ask yourself or your partner:
• Would you do it with your partner standing right there?
• Are you turning outside of your relationship to meet a need that should be met within the relationship? You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge, so find out if you or your partner have a problem.
• Do you justify the behavior by saying, “It’s harmless,” “Everyone does it,” or “It’s just the Internet”?
• Does it intrude on your relationship?
• Which is more important: pornography or your relationship?
This last sentence is what we need to ask our husbands boyfriends.
LisaP,
I know from my experiance that it is useles to have spyware on the pc, and I’ll tell you exactly why: If he has choen to view content that he KNOWS is degrading your marriage, he will not always se the home pc. This is 2011, please do not have a false sense of security that “he has only went back 4 times”. There are many many ways he can view this content. Smartphones, library pc (yes Library- It is not illegal for some stupid reason to view porn in a public library- freedom of information act), work pc, ipod/ipad, etc. Its the behavior that needs to change. He needs to be HONEST with you. I tried this and you know after a few weeks I felt like “he is not a child, why should I have to go through all this like he is a child?. If he cant be HONEST and come to me about these things than im wasting my time. My counelor told me for every 2 instances I actually find out about, there are 20 I didnt find…thats eye opening. It is A. an Addiction that stimulates a chemical release in the brain to view this risque type of material. Just as addictive as cocaine. and B. something that needs intevention by God. He has to truly do more than “want to change”. willpower doesnt kick addictions anymore than internet filters do.
I told my best friend this same thing the first and second time she found it on her pc and i told her “be prepared to keep finding it if he isnt willing to go to your Pastor or another member of clergy and get prayer and really want and seek help”. Sure enough, last week there was more.
I once had the false sense of secutiry that internet filters bring- and it was short-lived.
Just sharing my experiance…
..sorry about the typos ^, I type entirely too fast and did not edit
Aaliyah, I used the spyware more for getting passwords for his cell phone acct. and Emails. He was too stupid to pay his bill any other way. That is how I found out he was still talking to the OW I just viewed usage on his phone log and up popped her number! ( It showed how many calls and text he made to her) He couldn’t deny it anymore. It let me keep an eye out for his credit card acct. too. I wanted to make sure he wasn’t buying her anything. Yes men will find a way to watch porn if they want it. He used to take his phone to the bathroom for 45min and not once flush the toilet(really) How stupid did he think I was. When I confronted him he said I was taking away his fun.
Since he has been in AA he has talked to a priest and confessed his sins. But remember these habits of porn go back to their first playboy magazine that maybe even their fathers bought for them. They have been told that this is ok since they were teens. That is why a little porn now doesn’t bother me compaired to what it was everyday when I picked up my son from school or even right after we just had sex twice. He knows it’s and addiction for him and he did take the initiative to throw out all his porn cds without me asking. He does also leave his phone out and I know the password on it so he is doing well for my liking. He knows he has to rebuild the trust again and knows it will take a long time.
Lisa P and Aaliyah,
Just thought I’d put in my two cents worth as a recovering alcoholic. I’m not an expert but have been able to help other addicts in the last eleven years. Many alcoholics and drug addicts have other addictions such as porn, gambling, spending etc. My husband is a sex addict and had his 2 affairs when he was still drinking. He is 8 years sober. Unfortunately he did not address his sexual behaviours during his sobriety. He has used the computer and his Iphone. He has always viewed women in the context of sex only and 7 weeks ago when he revealed everything to me (after he sent a text to my daughter instead of to a woman he was flirting with) his porn addiction was one thing we discussed. I don’t know at this point if he has admitted this to his new therapist. It will come up when we have joint counselling, that’s for sure.
The one thing I can tell you about addicts (myself included before treatment) is that they will lie. They will lie about everything to continue with their addictive behaviour and will deny everything even when caught. Many will react with anger.
Many really do not see the absurdity of their behaviour until they are in recovery, either with therapy or a 12 step group. Drinking and porn do not necessarily go hand in hand, but many people are cross-addicted (more than one addiction)
Because of my husband’s addiction to alcohol, I also received help as a family member and now with his sexual behaviour out in the open, I will get help for me as well. One thing I learned is that to control someone’s addictive behaviour is impossible, frustrating and exhausting. I have chosen for a long time not to try and track his computer and phone use, just like I do not try to track his sobriety. It’s called detaching in a healthy way. It’s the only way I can keep my health together at the moment. My opinion is that if he really wants to cheat he can do it again and there is nothing I can do about it. He was travelling on business with his sexual affairs and I would never have known until he told me 7 weeks ago. However, I have not decided if I will stay with him. There is a long period of reconstruction ahead. The one thing going for us is my husband’s statement that he would like to learn to treat me the way he always should have been. (26 years late) I’m just not sure if I want to stay while he sorts himself out. I know I’m too exhausted and upset to make a decision now and what happens is completely up to whether he is willing to go to any lengths to change his behaviour. I’m sure not doing it for him and it never, ever works unless the addict does the work themselves. Hope something I said helps someone.
Jeannie and LisaP,
Jeannie, Im sorry to hear about your situation. I know that has to be tough. “stay or go” is the age old decision we wives must make as our husbands disappoint us and break our vows. I truly hope whatever you decide gives you peace of mind.
Also, You hit the nail on the head “healthy detachment”. Thats exactly what you HAVE to do. I told my mother “my marriage is PART of my life, not my ENTIRE life.” it is merely a facet of who I am and what im involved in. I am a full time student carrying 21 units about to begin pre-med, i am a MOTHER, and a friend and i have my own individual needs as well. I owe my all to the other aspects of my life just as I do to my marriage. I do not leave him to feel he must walk it on his own, but i no longer believe in tracking/checking/investigating his behavior. its just NOT conducive to my own well being. yes, i still have doubts in my mind, but i choose to focus on what I can change and what I have a hand in. We attend counseling and oftentimes I absorb my questioning and doubting times into me and my babies. They need my attention and my interest and my time and my clear mind most of all. What I was saying was mainly that you do not know how freeing it is to just not care anymore. I mean not “care” at all, but not place it on my list of worries or concerns any longer.
Bottom line is like Jeannie said, they have to want to change on their own. I am grateful that due to his alcoholic and drug addicted parents he wont drink a drop or try a drug…and we have come to know that he suffers from Adult ADHD/ADD so that explains alot of his impulsive and addictive pleasure seeking behaviors. Either way, I have a life to live, and he is not all that it is comprised of.
I need your advice. I am really not sure what to do .My husband and I have been married for the last 5 yrs. I have noticed that he is a lot more aggressive towards me,not as affectionate, always complaining about things I do or do not do. In the past 6 mths during these arguments he has mentioned divorce 4 times. He spends a lot of time on Facebook. Sex is not the same. He spends a lot of time on Facebook and his PC. So I went snooping. I found that he has been communicating with some girl with 2 kids always video calling her late at night when I am away at work. She recently messaged him to say that she added him to some live chat app that he has on his phone then all of a sudden his phone is password protected. When i asked him about it he says that he did it just in case his phone gets stolen….idiot thought I bought the story. My question is this ……do I confront him or do I just leave him alone . I also have a feeling that there is more but don’t have the energy to go searching. I can’t change him or make him want to change. His advice to me is that I need to read the bible to see what the role of a wife is. The other thing is when things are good there is talk about having another child. I feel guilty about bringing another child into a situation where things aren’t exactly picture perfect. I have told him that maybe we need to work on our relationship before but he thinks we are fine and that I am blowing things out of proportion. But if things were OK in the first place he wouldn’t have felt the need to video call females at inappropriate hours.
Emotinally Drained- your husband is having an emotional affair with this woman- no wonder you are drained. All of us here have experienced an affair- my husband had a full blown affair with a so called friend. It is emotional and draining, but you have just scratched the surface. First and foremost the fact that he is keeping ANYTHING from you phone passwords, making up lies about apps, etc.. is that he knows what he is doing is wrong. He knows you are on to him and his bad behavior and that you have already caught him he just doesn’t want to admit it. It is normal that he is displacing his bad behavior on to you- I know it sounds crazy, but they do that sometimes- they make you think you are the one doing something wrong. YOU AREN”T — don’t forget that. You have seen the signs, and you know in your heart something is amiss- listen to that inner voice- it is right. You also probably have that ache in the pit of your stomach that if you search any deeper you will open up a whole new can of worms- well, you probably will. Affairs are fantasy- they are an escape from something much deeper than just sex or attraction. They aren’t reality- there are not kids, bills, jobs, deadlines, or stress- they are full of selfishness and excitement. They somehow fill a need-only temporary fullfillment I might add- but the pain is no less for the ones they betray. My advice is to not stop with the questions, or the searching. Don’t let it take over your life- that will really drive you crazy, but you have the right to a truthful honest relationship with your husband- he made a commitment to you and your children to be a husband, a father , and to stand with you in the lifes journey– he is breaking those commitments- and you have a right to know it all. You can’t fix him or even make him see that his bad choices are hurting you and your marriage- all you can do is let him know you know what he is doing and that you don’t like it and won’t sit by idle while he does whatever he wants. Be strong enough to stand up to his cheating, lying ways. As women, mothers, and wives we forget about ourselves in the mix. We get caught up in life and sometimes forget that we too have needs and desires in our life that need attention. Rediscover those things for yourself. Don’t let him make you feel unworthy, or feel bad about something you didn’t do. One thing that truly concerns me about your comments is that he is agressive with you- now that is totally unacceptable- if he is lashing out in anger towards you- that is a dangerous situation waiting to happen- that has to be addressed. It sounds like he is going to extreme lengths to be in contact with this OW, if that is the case –there is probably more there than you have uncovered- and the more you discover the more aggitated he will become. This site is an amzing place. It has been a life line for so many of us, that have found ourselves in similar situations. Follow that intuition– it will take you to where you need to be to get the answers you are searching for -trust yourself and know if you need us we are here. I will be thinking about you during this discovery period– Stay focused, strong, and believe in yourself- Hugs
Emotionally Drained,
My perception from your email it that it seems that you have a husband that thinks that he is suppose to be in control, and you are to fall in line (and while many husbands might wish for this, they do not quite take it as literal as your husband is acting). So when you question, he gets angry because he thinks that you are suppose to just be quiet and not say anything. The problem with that is that knowing what he is doing and not saying anything is going to ‘emotionally drain’ you, because you feel like you are disrespecting yourself, which is not fun. You have rights as a woman and know that your voice does count and matter. I am not sure if you are in a position to see a counselor or therapist, but that might help. Just my personal opinion, but another child is alot on your body physically and emotionally, I agree with you in saying that now is the time to look within and think about the state of your marriage before more kids – just my 2 cents!
my husband of 18 yrs has been having a texting phone affair for 5 yrs ,i just found out in nov.he says its because i have my guy friends and he just wonted on to and he was jeaulous. how can i even be jeaulous if i didnt even know it was happening. he says i just need to calm down, get over it it was nothing. if nothing why has it been such a secret
Hello Sunny,
It seems like your husband is in the ol deny deny deny until you have solid proof mode, many do this, they will lie up until they know they are caught. I can imagine your frustration at him treated this as if it was not a big deal, it is a big deal. If he could hide that, what else is he hiding. I know I responded a little late, let me know how things are going.