Online Affairs – The 6 Most Popular Types

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Online Affairs – The 6 Most Popular Types post image

Photo courtesy of Sinistra Ecologia Libertà https://www.flickr.com/photos/sinistraeliberta/

As many of you know, the internet has changed the game of cheating. Although it has made cheating easier, it has also made getting caught easier. Just like there are different kinds of cheaters, I also think there are different types of online affairs. So while this post won’t answer the age-old question of why did he cheat?, it will shed some light into the world of online affairs—something many women who visit this site can understand all too well.

Facebook cheating: This is the type of cheating where a husband “friends” an old flame, or a potential flame that never caught fire. What typically happens is that one or both parties is typically interested in something other than just being Facebook friends. They start chatting, then migrate to exchange numbers, and the next thing you know, you have a cheating husband.

Craigslist cheating: This one is a little more advanced, and usually happens with a husband who is openly looking to have an affair. In this form of cheating, a husband usually posts ads on craigslist or similar sites for sexual encounters with women, or searches for ads put up by women looking to have sexual encounters with men. Unlike some forms of online cheating that happen unintentionally, this form is very intentional.

eHarmony/Match.com cheating: Husbands looking to cheat will often join one of these sites or another like it, which are meant for single people looking to find love. They’ll then make a profile page that lists their status as “single” and displays a picture of them from several years ago. These sites are based on a really good concept—matching people up for dates based on their personalities. In fact, I have met several people who went on to marry someone they found using these services. Unfortunately, like any good thing, people can take advantage of online dating services to cheat.

Porno hubby: This kind of cheater is a husband who is addicted to porn sites. He thinks he can control the addiction, but like any addiction, the need grows. Soon enough, they’re trying to live out what they see online by trying to hook up with women for sex or calling prostitutes.

Chat room cheating: Believe it or now, chat rooms, that staple of internet life during the 1990s and early 2000s, are still alive and doing well—and being used by husbands looking to cheat. Often, men will meet a woman in a chat room, like the interaction, and just like we’ve seen with other online cheaters, will want to play out the fantasy that they have typed out. This is where weekend hotel stays come into play.

AshelyMadison.com: This is a site where married people who want to cheat can go to meet other lying, sneaky, disrespectful partners who would also love to cheat behind their partners’ backs. What has the world come to when a site like this has over 14 million members?!

I am sure there are other methods of cheating online; I just wanted to list the most popular types so that women reading this can recognize what type their husband engaged in and not feel so alone. The thing that makes online affairs so attractive is being able to hide behind the anonymity of the internet. But as most women who have had cheating husbands know, what you do in the dark eventually comes to light.

  • Louise August 26, 2011, 1:53 AM

    Well I can certainly relate to the above post. I didnt even know dating sites existed on the internet. Unfortunately my husband did and I can count about 6 dating sites he joined, plus facebook and other social networking sites. He did say he was married on these sites, but this didnt seem to be any deterrent to the women, he still managed to have sex with some of them. Despicable behaviour by him and all his “women” friends who knew he was married but couldnt give a **** about the wife and kids.

    I was ignorant to dating sites and email accounts, basically because we didnt have a home computer. All his online activity was done during work hours. Some of his hook-ups were done during work hours. Oh how I wish I could write a letter to his work informing them of what he had been doing, but I cant afford for him to lose his job.

    Have to go, he just arrived home.

    • Jewels August 27, 2011, 10:45 PM

      Lousie – What a story, 6 dating sites, cheating while working, and he put that he was married on these sites. That should be my next post, women who willingly accept cheating with a married man. It seems that he was really on an online mission to find women willing to participate in his games. Without a home computer, I am glad you finally realized what was going on, what happens in the dark always comes to light.

      Want him to suffer/Yvette
      – I can totally see how the feelings of anger can be so strong. I was there, and I never thought I could have so much anger towards someone unless they physically harmed my family (now that I think about it, that is exactly what our husbands did!). I think the part that really gets to us, especially with the online stuff, is that they literally are putting it out there on purpose, with full intent to cheat – that will make a wife hate really quick. It’s hard to think that someone that says they love you would do such a thing, typically comprising their health and family in the process.

  • Jasmine August 26, 2011, 9:47 PM

    OMG you need a hug! I wish I could knock on yo door and give u a big hug!

  • Yvette August 27, 2011, 12:04 PM

    Im in theeeee SAME BOAT!!!!! i hate my husband right now!!!!

  • Want him to suffer August 27, 2011, 6:46 PM

    Oh yes Yvette! I HAte EM I Hate Him and oh yeah…….I HATE HIM! (I’ve only said I hated someone once in my life other than him) I hate him!

  • Louise August 29, 2011, 12:26 AM

    Yes Jewels, he was on a mission to find women. I have to try and think what triggered this behaviour, or wonder if I just unknowingly married a philanderer who had cheated in previous relationships. Curiously enough I met him through the personal ads before online dating was around. I really only knew him for a year before he proposed.

    His reasons for doing what he did are that he claims we had a fight in 2003 and he wanted to make some new friends, and he then joined 3 dating sites in a month. (He didnt tell me that part, I found that out by looking at old creditcard statements). This continued behind my back for the next 5 years until one night I walked in on him on the home computer (yes we eventually got one), chatting to another woman. I think I had a nervous breakdown over it.

    I thought a lot of married couples have the occasional argument/disagreement, that doesnt mean the husband has to start looking for other women while still married. If my husband had any decency or honesty he would’ve separated from me first if he wanted to pursue other women, not do it and deceive me.

    He says in his mind he pushed me aside and lost interest in me. I wonder if he lost interest in me before or after he started meeting other women online? If he lost interest, he should have been open and honest with me, not allow me to linger in a marriage, watching me resign from my job, have another child and become financially dependent upon him. It was manipulation of my life to the extreme.

    He should have been honest with me and let me decide my future, instead of him making me think I was in an real marriage. I just cant believe this went on so long and he didnt show a sign of anything.

    As for the women willing to cheat with a married man, well my husband had said in his “profile” that he was married and hoping to stay that way and looking for someone in a similar situation. I guess he thought no relationship would develop if he was seeing another married person. Of the two women that I found out about (I honestly suspect there are many more that he will never reveal), one of them was married, who I believe was having a revenge affair on her husband who had cheated on her. Well if that is the way that woman takes out her revenge on her husband, by hurting an innocent mother and wife, she is truly a despicable, selfish *****. In one of her emails to my husband I read that she was thinking of leaving her husband, so I guess she was putting out feelers to see if he would do the same.

    As for the other one, she was a single woman who advertised that she was willing to meet married men and therefore found a willing participant in my husband. I guess she was really just a desperate person with no boyfriend.

    So it boils down to married people using dating sites to meet others to cheat. And yes it has made it so easy for them. I guess once you get on these sites and see how many other married people are on there you might start to think that everyone is doing it so why not you.

    • Jewels September 1, 2011, 9:25 PM

      Good points Louise, that was my exact concept with my husband, if you were not happy, just tell me so I can do what I need to do, don’t go behind my back. That was one of the most frustrating parts of this whole situation, because I consider myself an open person, and I would of liked for him to be honest with me, unfortunately, it didn’t happen. And yes you are right, an argument does not equal cheating. It’s no justification for it. If that were the case both of us would of cheating on our husbands a long time ago! I think they get to a point where they just tell themselves a reason to make themselves feel good.

  • Saras September 7, 2011, 6:22 AM

    Dear Jewels, thank you so much for the articles. I have been dealing with a cheating husband for 5 years and last year I have finally decided to love myself and my baby daugther first, so I kicked him out. I have gone through all you have described, however after a year I am still fighting myself for ME.

    • Jewels September 7, 2011, 8:04 PM

      Hello Saras,

      You are very welcome. You have taken a great step in showing your husband that you love yourself and your daughter first, that is a HUGE accomplishment. Sometimes you can not be yourself and feel good about yourself in a marriage, and that is a problem, and if you have the type of husband that doesn’t respect how important your feelings are, then leaving is sometimes the best thing, as it was for me. I feel so much more alive. Now fighting for you takes time. It’s really in the small stuff that counts. Make sure you carve out time for yourself, that is important. It’s about getting your nails done and going out of the house looking fab, just because. It’s about reading your favorite novel or TV show just because. And it’s still a work in progress for me, but you should be excited of the possibility of growing more into yourself, it’s almost like your are discovering YOU, and it’s a wonderful experience. It also about making your needs a priority, which is sometimes hard with kids. But every time I think ‘oh maybe I should be at home with the kids all the time’, I think about how I would feel if my daughter was grown up and stayed at home all the time – no way!! I want her to see mommy go out and I want her to see mommy dress nice sometimes. I want her to see mommy carve out some time for her because she will learn through your actions, not your words. So cheers to you for taking the first step, which was a big one. The only way you have to go from here is up and I am excited for you to discover yourself more. And I am a big believer in affirmations, so when you get down, tell yourself that you are a great mom, and you are going to live your life with fun and joy because you deserve it. I promise if you say that to yourself enough times, life will meet that expectation for you. Take Care and keep in touch!!

  • REBECCA September 9, 2011, 5:13 PM

    MY HUSBAND HAD A 32 MONTH, HIGHLY SEXUAL AFFAIR WITH A 20 YEAR YOUNGER (UGLY,THO) CO-WORKER. EVEN AFTER HE LEFT THIS JOB, THEY CONTINUED THE AFFAIR, FOR ONE MORE AND A HALF YEARS. BOTH MARRIED. I FOUND OUT AFTER 2.5 YEARS. I WAS DEVASTATED. I DIVORCED HIM. BUT… HE WEASLED HIS WAY BACK INTO MY LIFE. I AM SO DEPENDANT ON HIM. HE IS THE SWEETEST , KINDESS MAN WHORE YOU’LL EVER MEET. WELL, I GOT HIM A SMART PHONE 3 MONTHS AGO. ALL HE DOES IS LOOK AT PORN ON THIS PHONE. NOW I SEE “LIVE CAM AND CHAT”. AND, DATING SITES. LIKE XXXCUPID.COM. AND, “PHONE SEX MATES”. I AM GOING INSANE. CAN THEY TALK AND INTERACT ON SMART PHONES? HE SAYS “NO”. JUST LOOK. AND, “IT ONLY MAKES ME WANT YOU, BABY.” HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!

  • REBECCA September 9, 2011, 5:30 PM

    HOW CAN I KNOW IF HE IS CHATTING WITH THESE NAKED WOMEN? CAN HE HIDE IT? I GO THRU HIS PHONE. OMG!!! THE WEB SITES, THE LIVE CAMS. HOW CAN I KNOW FOR CERTAIN? IS THERE ANY WAY??? I AM LOSING IT.

    • Jewels September 9, 2011, 10:41 PM

      Hello Rebecca,

      I am not sure if there is a way you can know for sure. I think the biggest issue is that you forgave him, and these website’s are giving you big ‘triggers’ about the past affairs that he had. Trust is such a big part of recovery, so if he is hiding things from you, that can easily give you that pit in your stomach. Now if you established early on that porn watching was ok, then that is different. But if you had no idea that he was engaging in this way, and you find out via phone, that is not good. Now my alert trigger for you was in the sentence that you are so dependent on him. That has to change, even if you stay with him. Because your husband probably knows you are dependent on him and when people know that, they sometimes take advantage. You have to work on building yourself up to the point where you are not dependent on him, so that you being with him is a choice because of the way he makes you feel. I know that concept might be hard to see now, but it starts with reviewing the situation and saying if there is no other evidence that I find, what would I do? Going and searching and trying to prove is being too dependent on his actions. Take what you have, evaluate, and based on that, let your husband know what YOU want. If you are ok with him on video Porn but not web cam of phone sex stuff, tell him. If you want him to be fully transparent, tell him. And if he doesn’t agree, it’s ok. Start to plan how you will react. What that does it put’s Rebecca’s wants at the top of the table, doesn’t matter if he agrees or not, you both can discuss. But what it does is it let’s him know you are not going to put your feelings to the side like that ‘dependent’ woman of the past, and you don’t have time to dwell for certain. This is what I saw, and this is how I would like us to handle it, unless you have a better idea. You cant change people, he can continue to do whatever, despite what you say. But the key is that you are putting your voice into the table and saying it is a priority. That is where I would start :)

  • kellbelle September 22, 2011, 2:25 PM

    Hi Jewels,
    First I would like to thank you for taking the time to do this site, even though my situation is slightly different I believe the feelings are the same and reading your posts have helped me a lot.
    I’ll clarify how my situation is slightly different, I don’t think (I’m 99% positive) that my husband had not physically cheated on me….yet. I believe if I hadn’t stepped in when I did he would have though. I had an inkling that he had a crush on a co-worker because he talked about her on occasion, then it got to be that when he said her name it was in an affectionate tone. They were having phone conversations so of course there was that phone attached to him like it was a matter of national security. They were texting and she would send him very inappropriate porn jokes. Of course he made sure to delete texts so I wouldn’t know. All the secrets and yet he had the nerve to think I would believe they were just friends goofing around, just like any guy friend. The whole time (April through December) he treated me horribly! Name calling if we argued, and always in a foul mood! Sex was almost non existent but I now know that’s a different problem….maybe even what caused him to start paying attention to this gal who’s 20 + years younger in the first place. He blamed the non existent sex on ME! When he knew all along he had a problem.
    He apologized, he promised it wouldn’t happen again but I find it hard to trust him. I don’t get what I need from him in the marriage and I know I never will. He says he’s not good at showing his feelings and I say it’s hard to tell he has any to show. We’ve been married 22 yrs and I’ve always known that and lived with it just fine, however he really hurt me when he didn’t talk to me and he was talking to another women, when he didn’t treat me like a friend but he did her, when he stopped showing any affection toward me but would sound affectionate when he said her name.
    I wouldn’t feel anymore hurt if he had had sex with her. It’s been months now and we get along but I don’t trust him and I wonder if that will last forever and if I can stand the way it eats at me….forever. I keep a close eye on him without him knowing, because I don’t ever want to be blind sided again. It’s exhausting and emotionally draining. I sure hope I can get over this and move on, I wish someone could give me the magic number of months or years that it will take for me to quit having this sick feeling when I check phone logs or when I may feel it’s no longer even necessary to check them…..wow that would be great!

    Sorry for the rambling book. But THANK YOU for being here for me to post it.

  • Lisa September 28, 2011, 4:53 AM

    Right now I’m just skimming through this site seeing that I’m not alone. I feel so alone though. I’m not even sure how to begin. My husband has been talking with other women that he met on craigslist. Even though I’m not sure if anything sexual has happened it hurts just as much. We have been together for 17 years and I’m not sure what to do. Over the years I have ben trough allot with him alcoholism

  • Daisy September 28, 2011, 9:21 AM

    Hi Lisa – my soon to be ex husband is a gambler and OH A CHEATER TOO! Any addiction in itself is a difficult thing to go through…the lies, deceit, disrespect, abuse, mistreatment, etc. Its emotionally draining….17 years…you sacrificied a lot. You know I was going to help my husband with his gambling, but when he started to contact other women…I just didn’t want to deal with him anymore. He took it to whole different level.

    This is just my perspective…I think in my case, he is looking for a way to escape. The gambling thing is causing him pain and no longer satisfying his needs for temporary happiness…basically doesn’t have the same effect as before. Cheating can be a high…the chase, fantasy, no serious life ties (money, family, etc). There are bigger issues below the surface.

    I HATE HIM. But I have to not ENABLE him, make think that his cheating is ok or the gambling. He find some other girl that will put up with this krap.

    Take reality for what it is…remember actions not words…I REALLY REALLY HATE HIM.

    • Jewels September 28, 2011, 9:21 PM

      Hello Lisa,

      I am glad that you do not feel alone, that is why I created this site. Like Daisy said, I think your husband is looking for an escape as well, maybe the alcohol isn’t enough, and now he thinks other women will satisfy him (but it won’t). My husband contacts girls via facebook before I found out about the affair and it literally hurt my stomach to see what he wrote. As far as what should you do? Know it is NOT your job to make him sober, just as it is not your job to stop him from talking to other women on craigslist. I think as women we sometimes take the burden of trying to fix another human being, especially our husbands, but it doesn’t really work because the person has to want to make a change within himself. If your husband is committed to getting help, put him to the test, request that he set up counseling for himself and you as a couple, request access to his email and phone if you ask, not all the time. What I mean is that if you want to check his phone at a random time during the week, would that be ok? I don’t recommend installing devices, but I do think he should be open to letting you see his phone on occasion or email unless he has something to hide. These things will give you indicators as to if he is willing to really make a change. If he is not, then don’t force it, it won’t work. At that time you should turn to yourself, look at your life, your goals and the entire situation and see what YOU want to do next. Just my opinion. Best of luck, I hope at the least he is willing to go to therapy….

      Daisy, thanks for your support and response to Lisa!

  • Devistated October 19, 2011, 8:47 PM

    Hi, ive been with my husband for 6 years [last week actually]. For the past 2 weeks he has been distant but still messaged me at work telling me he loves me and i am his world etc etc..
    In the last week he has been stuck to his phone. Ive always been a jealous type person and only in the last yr have i come to fully trust that he would never cheat on me. After noticing how often he was on his phone i checked his internet history when he fell asleep.
    3 profiles were on there for various sex buddy websites and oasis dating. All the info he had put was a bit incorrect about himself esp putting that he was taller etc, however he had his profile photo of his chest. My husband has an amazing built body and i felt sick to my stomach when i was looking at what i had found. Even on one website he had taken a photo of his p**is.
    I confronted him and as soon as he saw my face he just broke down and told me that he swore it was nothing more than a bit of fun, he had only been signed up for 1 week and that he would never actually meet up with any of these girls and that he couldnt even talk to them [apparently he had to use a credit card and he didnt want to do that]. He said the only person he had spoken to was someone from the USA [im in australia] which i already knew because i had checked her profile.
    Its been 4 days and i havnt seen him. He has seen me about 50 texts saying hes so sorry he f***ed up and that he doesnt know why he did it because he was perfectly happy and he wishes he could die for hurting me so much. Hes left bout 15 voicemails begging me to call him so he can explain.
    My whole world has shattered my husband was the LEAST person you would expect to do this, even his close cousin was in disbelief because its so out of character.. He literally worships the ground i walk on he is so sweet and doesnt even check out other girls in public??
    I messaged him and asked if he would be willing to see a psychologist and he said yes he would do anything..
    I dont know what to do i spiral from anger to depression to tears all over and over. Im so hurt but what im most worried about is that HOW LONG WOULD IT HAVE HAPPENED FOR IF I HADNT FOUND OUT?
    ive created my own profiles on these sites and can confirm all you can do on 2 of them is “wink” at a person unless you join up and pay. He swears the convo with the girl in the USA was nothing sexual and he didnt have a profile photo up either on this site. He asks me to trust him that he would never ever have met up with anyone, how can i trust when everything i thought i knew is being questioned :( im so alone i dont know what to do :(

    • Jewels October 21, 2011, 8:43 PM

      Hello Devistated,

      I understand you caught your husband on 3 sex sites, your instincts must of known something was going on. It doesn’t appear that he actually had sex with someone, which is good. If I were in your shoes, I would do exactly what you did, ask him to see someone. Because there has to be a reason for why he did what he did, and saying ‘it won’t happen again’ would not give me a warm and fuzzy because how do you know. Now if he went to therapy and found that he has a problem with needing women to want him because of his lack of confidence, bingo, now your getting somewhere. It seems that he is embarrassed about the sites and the fact that he is calling and pleading and willing to do anything is actually a good sign. Now he has to actually put action in place. Tell him to go set up the appointment and let you know when they are. At some point I would actually have you join so you can understand him as well. You might want to consider going to therapy as well to understand your own emotions and how you feel, this type of betrayal is not easy to get over. Lastly, there has to be a conversation around trust. Why did he not feel he could go to you with these feelings? He has to get to the bottom of it if you have a chance of saving the marriage, which I believe you do. Take care, I hope things work out for you!

  • Aaliyah October 22, 2011, 6:30 PM

    My husband has been decietful and devious towards our marriage the entire 71/2 yrs weve been together. From adultfriendfinder not even months after we married, to the latest chatroom video messaging. He’s been seeking out his ex girlfriend everytime i look, and he makes excuses like “he’s bored” or we were fighting…but to me I think it is that he feels inadequate in our relationship so he seeks out acceptance elsewhere. we have two small children and I hesitate to leave him because of this and because I love him; but these things kill my confidence and ruin my self esteem. He looks at other women, and recently since this semster started now he has started trying to look his best for class…when in previous semesters (different school) he just wore sweats. On one hand I want to have an affair of my own and find someone to make me feel worthy and beautiful because I do NOT get hat here…but its just not my personality. I want it to work or i want out. I hate who I’ve become through all these years of lies and decpetion. I can’t trust him and his motives. Even when hes caught he lies and tries to minimize what he’s done..or makes ME the villian (can you believe it) and says i violate his privacy! If its not online contact, texting, callling, facebook, myspace, porn…it NEVER ENDS! Men are just pigs and I pray I do a better job with my boys…

    • Jewels November 9, 2011, 2:33 AM

      Aaliyah,

      If he has been deceitful your entire marriage that is not cool. Let me change someone around that you say, instead of “he feels inadequate in our relationship so he seeks out acceptance”, change that line to read “he feels inadequate so he seeks out acceptance”. Meaning his lack of self acceptance has nothing to do with you, it is on him. I want you to realize that because many women think that it’s because of their looks, the arguments, ect, as to why he cheats. And like your husband, most men that are cheating will feel you that information and make you feel like it’s your fault (which is really just an attempt to make themselves feel better). I know you have two boys and it’s such a tough call to make, but I do want you to take the time to envision what life would be like if you did leave. The only reason I say that is because more than anything your boys need to see a strong confident mom, because they are going to soak up how you act, not what you say. So it’s important that you make a priority to feel good. And I know you mentioned maybe going and cheating as well, but I will tell you it won’t make how you feel go away, you might feel good for a moment, but that overall negative energy is being caused by his constant cheating and lies. So again, no need to act, but just think about what life would be like if you did leave, your support network, etc. Take Care.

  • trappedwife December 28, 2011, 11:52 AM

    My husband has been caught with the ads on single sites, facebook bs, chatrooms, n is always gettin caught for watchin porn… wish there was a site that could link women who r questioning the faithfullness of their spouse together and give us the options to willingly set up some kinds of “stings” when we feel like we are out of other options. I realize I should have walked away the 1st time I had to deal with his crap but after almost 16 yrs…(been together since 7th grade) its a lot harder then I thought it would be…

  • LisaP December 28, 2011, 5:32 PM

    trappedwife, I too felt trapped when my husband had many sex accounts set up to meet OW and even went as far as setting up times and places with whores. His excuse was it’s just fantasy. But he was so addicted to the porn he never knew how bad it was until I asked for a divorce. He also was addicted to alcohol they do go together. I have been married almost 24yrs and thought this would never happen to me. Technology has made it way to easy for people to cheat these days. Ask you husband would he like it if you were online do what he is doing. The answer will be NO! So what do you do? Ask hm to go to joint counseling with you so you can find out why he needs this so much. He may just have a lot of insecurities that he hasn’t dealt with. You still can leave or stay with him it’s your decision! Until men have this done to them they will never understand the damage they do to our soul’s.

  • trappedwife December 29, 2011, 11:15 AM

    LisaP,
    I’ve asked to go to couciling and confronted him repeatedly but he says “its not like I play with myself everytime I watch porn… I only watch it to have a distraction when I have a few minutes. I don’t have a problem.” But to me it is a major problem. He don’t drink alcohol at all n has been drug free for many years. He claims that couciling won’t solve anything cause it will only be one sided on all the things he does wrong n not my flaws. I have threatened to leave once and he changed for about 2 weeks then it was back to the same old bs. Its scary in some ways because I’m not sure what to expect next or how far he will take things. I wish he could see the damage he is doing to my soul. Maybe then reality would hit him.

  • LisaP December 29, 2011, 11:32 AM

    trapped wife, It’ sounds like your husband is still in denial that this affects him as well as you. since my husband has been in AA for 5 months he has only gone back to porn 4 times. He used to go there 2times day everyday. I have a spyware program so I can see eveything he does. It’s my form of protecting myself from being made a fool of again. So I do know it can be an addiciton. I don’t mind porn once in a while but when it got out of hand I wanted out of the marriage. He choices was porn over family. My husband turned 52 yesterday and acts like he is a horny 15yr old all the time. Men really don’t want to grow up and take the man of the house role.

    I found this article on addiction with a Dr’s advice and thought I would share it. This is from a man’s point of view. It might have even been Dr. Drews site, I can’t remember, But I copied it and saved.

    Is Internet Pornography Cheating?

    Internet pornography is a growing trend that has many people worried about their relationships. Is it cheating? And is it a “normal guy thing”?
    • It is not OK behavior. It is a perverse and ridiculous intrusion into your relationship. It is an insult, it is disloyal and it is cheating.
    • Consider how it makes your partner feel. If it makes your partner feel ugly, hurt, deceived, lied to or inadequate, then it needs to stop. If it is eroding your relationship, it’s gone too far.
    • Pornography isn’t real, it’s a fantasy. It’s makeup, beauty lenses, hair extensions, camera angles, lighting and silicone! It’s also somebody’s daughter who has taken a really, really wrong turn. She’s demeaning herself, debasing herself, humiliating herself and she’s being exploited by people who are funded by you. It is a sick, demented, twisted world. It’s not healthy, it’s not natural and it’s not normal.

    • Viewing Internet pornography or engaging in cybersex is a short step to taking cheating to the next level.
    • You need to tell your partner that viewing pornography is absolutely, unequivocally unacceptable in your relationship. Draw a line: Your partner needs to choose between the pornography or the relationship.

    Ask yourself or your partner:
    • Would you do it with your partner standing right there?
    • Are you turning outside of your relationship to meet a need that should be met within the relationship? You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge, so find out if you or your partner have a problem.
    • Do you justify the behavior by saying, “It’s harmless,” “Everyone does it,” or “It’s just the Internet”?
    • Does it intrude on your relationship?
    • Which is more important: pornography or your relationship?

    This last sentence is what we need to ask our husbands boyfriends.

  • Aaliyah December 29, 2011, 10:46 PM

    LisaP,

    I know from my experiance that it is useles to have spyware on the pc, and I’ll tell you exactly why: If he has choen to view content that he KNOWS is degrading your marriage, he will not always se the home pc. This is 2011, please do not have a false sense of security that “he has only went back 4 times”. There are many many ways he can view this content. Smartphones, library pc (yes Library- It is not illegal for some stupid reason to view porn in a public library- freedom of information act), work pc, ipod/ipad, etc. Its the behavior that needs to change. He needs to be HONEST with you. I tried this and you know after a few weeks I felt like “he is not a child, why should I have to go through all this like he is a child?. If he cant be HONEST and come to me about these things than im wasting my time. My counelor told me for every 2 instances I actually find out about, there are 20 I didnt find…thats eye opening. It is A. an Addiction that stimulates a chemical release in the brain to view this risque type of material. Just as addictive as cocaine. and B. something that needs intevention by God. He has to truly do more than “want to change”. willpower doesnt kick addictions anymore than internet filters do.

    I told my best friend this same thing the first and second time she found it on her pc and i told her “be prepared to keep finding it if he isnt willing to go to your Pastor or another member of clergy and get prayer and really want and seek help”. Sure enough, last week there was more.

    I once had the false sense of secutiry that internet filters bring- and it was short-lived.

    Just sharing my experiance…

  • Aaliyah December 29, 2011, 10:47 PM

    ..sorry about the typos ^, I type entirely too fast and did not edit :-)

  • LisaP December 30, 2011, 10:34 AM

    Aaliyah, I used the spyware more for getting passwords for his cell phone acct. and Emails. He was too stupid to pay his bill any other way. That is how I found out he was still talking to the OW I just viewed usage on his phone log and up popped her number! ( It showed how many calls and text he made to her) He couldn’t deny it anymore. It let me keep an eye out for his credit card acct. too. I wanted to make sure he wasn’t buying her anything. Yes men will find a way to watch porn if they want it. He used to take his phone to the bathroom for 45min and not once flush the toilet(really) How stupid did he think I was. When I confronted him he said I was taking away his fun.
    Since he has been in AA he has talked to a priest and confessed his sins. But remember these habits of porn go back to their first playboy magazine that maybe even their fathers bought for them. They have been told that this is ok since they were teens. That is why a little porn now doesn’t bother me compaired to what it was everyday when I picked up my son from school or even right after we just had sex twice. He knows it’s and addiction for him and he did take the initiative to throw out all his porn cds without me asking. He does also leave his phone out and I know the password on it so he is doing well for my liking. He knows he has to rebuild the trust again and knows it will take a long time.

  • jeannie December 30, 2011, 12:35 PM

    Lisa P and Aaliyah,
    Just thought I’d put in my two cents worth as a recovering alcoholic. I’m not an expert but have been able to help other addicts in the last eleven years. Many alcoholics and drug addicts have other addictions such as porn, gambling, spending etc. My husband is a sex addict and had his 2 affairs when he was still drinking. He is 8 years sober. Unfortunately he did not address his sexual behaviours during his sobriety. He has used the computer and his Iphone. He has always viewed women in the context of sex only and 7 weeks ago when he revealed everything to me (after he sent a text to my daughter instead of to a woman he was flirting with) his porn addiction was one thing we discussed. I don’t know at this point if he has admitted this to his new therapist. It will come up when we have joint counselling, that’s for sure.

    The one thing I can tell you about addicts (myself included before treatment) is that they will lie. They will lie about everything to continue with their addictive behaviour and will deny everything even when caught. Many will react with anger.
    Many really do not see the absurdity of their behaviour until they are in recovery, either with therapy or a 12 step group. Drinking and porn do not necessarily go hand in hand, but many people are cross-addicted (more than one addiction)

    Because of my husband’s addiction to alcohol, I also received help as a family member and now with his sexual behaviour out in the open, I will get help for me as well. One thing I learned is that to control someone’s addictive behaviour is impossible, frustrating and exhausting. I have chosen for a long time not to try and track his computer and phone use, just like I do not try to track his sobriety. It’s called detaching in a healthy way. It’s the only way I can keep my health together at the moment. My opinion is that if he really wants to cheat he can do it again and there is nothing I can do about it. He was travelling on business with his sexual affairs and I would never have known until he told me 7 weeks ago. However, I have not decided if I will stay with him. There is a long period of reconstruction ahead. The one thing going for us is my husband’s statement that he would like to learn to treat me the way he always should have been. (26 years late) I’m just not sure if I want to stay while he sorts himself out. I know I’m too exhausted and upset to make a decision now and what happens is completely up to whether he is willing to go to any lengths to change his behaviour. I’m sure not doing it for him and it never, ever works unless the addict does the work themselves. Hope something I said helps someone.

  • Aaliyah December 30, 2011, 12:50 PM

    Jeannie and LisaP,
    Jeannie, Im sorry to hear about your situation. I know that has to be tough. “stay or go” is the age old decision we wives must make as our husbands disappoint us and break our vows. I truly hope whatever you decide gives you peace of mind.

    Also, You hit the nail on the head “healthy detachment”. Thats exactly what you HAVE to do. I told my mother “my marriage is PART of my life, not my ENTIRE life.” it is merely a facet of who I am and what im involved in. I am a full time student carrying 21 units about to begin pre-med, i am a MOTHER, and a friend and i have my own individual needs as well. I owe my all to the other aspects of my life just as I do to my marriage. I do not leave him to feel he must walk it on his own, but i no longer believe in tracking/checking/investigating his behavior. its just NOT conducive to my own well being. yes, i still have doubts in my mind, but i choose to focus on what I can change and what I have a hand in. We attend counseling and oftentimes I absorb my questioning and doubting times into me and my babies. They need my attention and my interest and my time and my clear mind most of all. What I was saying was mainly that you do not know how freeing it is to just not care anymore. I mean not “care” at all, but not place it on my list of worries or concerns any longer.

    Bottom line is like Jeannie said, they have to want to change on their own. I am grateful that due to his alcoholic and drug addicted parents he wont drink a drop or try a drug…and we have come to know that he suffers from Adult ADHD/ADD so that explains alot of his impulsive and addictive pleasure seeking behaviors. Either way, I have a life to live, and he is not all that it is comprised of.

  • Emotionally Drained January 14, 2012, 5:01 AM

    I need your advice. I am really not sure what to do .My husband and I have been married for the last 5 yrs. I have noticed that he is a lot more aggressive towards me,not as affectionate, always complaining about things I do or do not do. In the past 6 mths during these arguments he has mentioned divorce 4 times. He spends a lot of time on Facebook. Sex is not the same. He spends a lot of time on Facebook and his PC. So I went snooping. I found that he has been communicating with some girl with 2 kids always video calling her late at night when I am away at work. She recently messaged him to say that she added him to some live chat app that he has on his phone then all of a sudden his phone is password protected. When i asked him about it he says that he did it just in case his phone gets stolen….idiot thought I bought the story. My question is this ……do I confront him or do I just leave him alone . I also have a feeling that there is more but don’t have the energy to go searching. I can’t change him or make him want to change. His advice to me is that I need to read the bible to see what the role of a wife is. The other thing is when things are good there is talk about having another child. I feel guilty about bringing another child into a situation where things aren’t exactly picture perfect. I have told him that maybe we need to work on our relationship before but he thinks we are fine and that I am blowing things out of proportion. But if things were OK in the first place he wouldn’t have felt the need to video call females at inappropriate hours.

    • Jewels January 14, 2012, 4:22 PM

      Emotionally Drained,

      My perception from your email it that it seems that you have a husband that thinks that he is suppose to be in control, and you are to fall in line (and while many husbands might wish for this, they do not quite take it as literal as your husband is acting). So when you question, he gets angry because he thinks that you are suppose to just be quiet and not say anything. The problem with that is that knowing what he is doing and not saying anything is going to ‘emotionally drain’ you, because you feel like you are disrespecting yourself, which is not fun. You have rights as a woman and know that your voice does count and matter. I am not sure if you are in a position to see a counselor or therapist, but that might help. Just my personal opinion, but another child is alot on your body physically and emotionally, I agree with you in saying that now is the time to look within and think about the state of your marriage before more kids – just my 2 cents!

  • JB January 14, 2012, 8:43 AM

    Emotinally Drained- your husband is having an emotional affair with this woman- no wonder you are drained. All of us here have experienced an affair- my husband had a full blown affair with a so called friend. It is emotional and draining, but you have just scratched the surface. First and foremost the fact that he is keeping ANYTHING from you phone passwords, making up lies about apps, etc.. is that he knows what he is doing is wrong. He knows you are on to him and his bad behavior and that you have already caught him he just doesn’t want to admit it. It is normal that he is displacing his bad behavior on to you- I know it sounds crazy, but they do that sometimes- they make you think you are the one doing something wrong. YOU AREN”T — don’t forget that. You have seen the signs, and you know in your heart something is amiss- listen to that inner voice- it is right. You also probably have that ache in the pit of your stomach that if you search any deeper you will open up a whole new can of worms- well, you probably will. Affairs are fantasy- they are an escape from something much deeper than just sex or attraction. They aren’t reality- there are not kids, bills, jobs, deadlines, or stress- they are full of selfishness and excitement. They somehow fill a need-only temporary fullfillment I might add- but the pain is no less for the ones they betray. My advice is to not stop with the questions, or the searching. Don’t let it take over your life- that will really drive you crazy, but you have the right to a truthful honest relationship with your husband- he made a commitment to you and your children to be a husband, a father , and to stand with you in the lifes journey– he is breaking those commitments- and you have a right to know it all. You can’t fix him or even make him see that his bad choices are hurting you and your marriage- all you can do is let him know you know what he is doing and that you don’t like it and won’t sit by idle while he does whatever he wants. Be strong enough to stand up to his cheating, lying ways. As women, mothers, and wives we forget about ourselves in the mix. We get caught up in life and sometimes forget that we too have needs and desires in our life that need attention. Rediscover those things for yourself. Don’t let him make you feel unworthy, or feel bad about something you didn’t do. One thing that truly concerns me about your comments is that he is agressive with you- now that is totally unacceptable- if he is lashing out in anger towards you- that is a dangerous situation waiting to happen- that has to be addressed. It sounds like he is going to extreme lengths to be in contact with this OW, if that is the case –there is probably more there than you have uncovered- and the more you discover the more aggitated he will become. This site is an amzing place. It has been a life line for so many of us, that have found ourselves in similar situations. Follow that intuition– it will take you to where you need to be to get the answers you are searching for -trust yourself and know if you need us we are here. I will be thinking about you during this discovery period– Stay focused, strong, and believe in yourself- Hugs

  • Sunny January 17, 2012, 7:10 PM

    my husband of 18 yrs has been having a texting phone affair for 5 yrs ,i just found out in nov.he says its because i have my guy friends and he just wonted on to and he was jeaulous. how can i even be jeaulous if i didnt even know it was happening. he says i just need to calm down, get over it it was nothing. if nothing why has it been such a secret

    • Jewels February 2, 2012, 11:05 PM

      Hello Sunny,

      It seems like your husband is in the ol deny deny deny until you have solid proof mode, many do this, they will lie up until they know they are caught. I can imagine your frustration at him treated this as if it was not a big deal, it is a big deal. If he could hide that, what else is he hiding. I know I responded a little late, let me know how things are going.

  • Mindy March 16, 2012, 3:01 AM

    I have been with my husband for over 20 years. We have kids. I have just discovered that he has participated in ALL of the above top 6 on-line affairs. (Good old computer investigation, and a little guessing with passwords). Anyway, I confronted him about an email account and face book account that he has made up to carry out his obsessions with girls, sex etc. He also has about 10 craigslist ads in different places that he travels to for work. (He’s away from 3-4 weeks at a time) It seems he started this about 2 – 3 years ago. (I’ll admit this is about the time he was angry about me not wanting to have sex with him, true).
    He claims he has not had sex with anyone, ever. First he was mad because I changed the passwords on these accounts, like I violated his rights or something. First, I told him to leave, and I needed time to think. He packed up and left, but came back in half an hour. He says he’s a jerk, doesn’t know why he does it, and can’t live with out me and the kids. He says he’ll even see a counsellor. Well, I saw his pain and dispair and felt sorry for him, (also I was worried he might do something stupid to himself) so I said he could stay for the kids sake.
    So we spent the next two weeks in the same house, however I could barely look at him, let alone talk to him. Now, he’s gone again to another city for work.
    Yes i admit we argue about sex, he wants it all the time. I get sick of it. I can’t even turn my back to relax in bed. He has turned me off with the way he is about sex, anyway, I really don’t care to have sex at all anymore. I don’t know, maybe its me, but still, shouldn’t he leave me first and then find someone?
    Some things I have seen on the face book concern me, he was talking to some younger girls. Not particularly about sex, but why? These are real people, why toy with them like that? For his sick pleasure? I found out today that, he also put out an ad for another guy. Wow. (He doesn’t know that I know about this one, yet) He is the last person I would expect to do this.
    What do I do? I want him to be honest with himself, I told him that he is not happy at home or he wouldn’t do this. I truly want him to be happy, and if I can’t give him what he wants then why stay? Why waste the rest of my life with someone who’s morals don’t meet mine?
    I am thinking of going our separate ways, but I think I need to talk to a counsellor to help me sort things out. I am so afraid to say anything to him now, as I just found out that someone he worked with has just took his life. (he also has kids)
    He is a good father, and the kids need him. The kids are most important, and I will consider this, but only if its best for them. Not to mention the hurt I feel, cause my dreams have just gone out the window.
    Thanks for reading my story, please let me know what you think.

  • Gimlet March 16, 2012, 6:33 PM

    Mindy your story sounds so much like mine(you can see some of it in sexting and texting and also in positive recovery stories). My husband is and has been addicted to porn and this has led him to do things he is ashamed of. I too did not want to have sex at all partially because of having kids, my own poor body image and going through menopause due to a hysterectomy. But also because I pulled away from my husband because I was angry about things and felt that he didn’t appreciate me or care that I was depressed and recently I knew something was going but had no real proof just my intuition.. Since this whole thing has come to light and we have talked and really been communcating I find myself more attracted to him and he to me .We forgot that people need to touch and be touched and not neccessarily in a sexual way but in a caring and loving way. My advice to you is to look at a site called your brain on porn and there is a book entitled Cupids Poisoned Arrow that has given us insight is helping us understand what has been happening. Also it gives advice on ways to heal the relationship. I don’t know if this applies to your husband but it’s worth a little research if you think you want to work on things. I’m hoping my husband and I will work through this as we have 5 beatiful boys and many years invested in eachother. I hope this helps and that you find yourself in a happy “place” again soon. Good luck and best wishes to you.

  • StillInShock January 3, 2013, 8:54 AM

    I can relate to these stories! In October I caught my husband having on-line affairs – again (many many on-line/dating/porno profiles and email accounts). I am in the IT field I know my way around computers, smart phones and the internet. I found a few things that lead me to believe what he was up to. My husband left behind clues without knowing he was doing it. So once I noticed what he was up to, I was able to get into all his accounts and see the whole shocking story play out word for word before my eyes. I was beyond crushed AND I won’t deny that I forwarded the really really dirty messages straight to his mother’s email account – hoping that she would have something to say to him. Of course she didn’t…but whatever. He is still at home. He has agreed to enroll in a sex addiction program. OF COURSE I have had to get all the info on the program, but he has taken the steps of making the appointments and a commitment to the therapist. My husband also had done all his dirty work while he was at work. I was able to take screen shots of all the emails to preserve the time stanp on the emails to show that he was at work at the time he did this…just in case. I too need him working, but I also needed a honest husband. This situation has brought out an anger and hurt in me I didn’t know I could have. One interesting thing was when he was messaging these “woman” it turns out that they were “women’s” profiles that were all fake – so there were NO busty 20 something’s looking to hook up with him. More likely men from Ghana, looking to scam him out of something. So when I get really angry, I hang onto that thought that those people were mostly fake – BUT that still doesn’t excuse all the nasty things he wrote to them. I am exhausted by the whole situation. Emotions change daily. My reaction changes daily. Some days I want to work it out, some days I want to kick him to the curb. Thanks for letting me tel my story.

  • NancyD March 5, 2013, 12:25 PM

    Grrr, I just came back from out of town for my sons wedding & to see my Daughter & six week old granddaughter (2wks i was gone)… I trust my husband about as far as I can throw him. I check his call log on cell phone bill also history on MY laptop… (Idiot cant even cover himself), Well he has a friend Ive been suspicious of, but for the two weeks Ive been gone I asked a question about her, his response was i talked to her once, Ha when i checked the phone records there was over 80 calls in 2 wks… If thats not bad enough, there were several calls to an unknown # , so I *67 all numbers i didnt recognize… Several calls being the girl mentioned earlier and another and another… Then low and behold right smack dab in the middle was a number (with several calls) to a MOTEL…. My husband stalks craigslist, tries to get me hooked up with someone,(a 3some) I told him he was crazy…. Everytime he gets caught in some sort of lie, predicament, whatever, he explodes on me yelling screaming, threatens to move out… The GUILTY DOG BARKS!!! I think its time to end this marriage, he has no respect for me… And trust me I have none for him anymore… Wow II feel better just getting that off my chest!! Thanks

    • Jewels March 8, 2013, 7:24 AM

      NancyD, The guilty dog barks – that’s funny and true! Your husband seems like a classic cheater. Cheats and then the minute he gets caught, tries to deflect the situation by yelling and arguing. You know I read in a book for men that starting a random argument after you are caught is part of the men playbook (meaning some men talk about this technique) – insane!! I wish you well!

      StillInShock
      – how are things going for you at this time?

  • Suzpuuz March 21, 2013, 9:20 PM

    I have been married for 30 years to a man much younger than myself. I knew before I met him that he had come from very volatile family- plenty of alcohol, abuse, incest and mental illness. He was estranged from his family and had left home at an early age to get away from his situation. My family embraced him as a wounded animal. His alcohol abuse progressed from social drinking to shit- faced drunkeness at home most evenings and even some drinking at work. He is a very functional alcoholic and some how has managed not to loose his job. It had come to the point that when I was driving the kids home from school we would take bets on whether he would make it home by a decent hour. Most times he did not. The hurt was beginning. Then some nites he would not come home at all and I would hack into his FB account and he would be bragging that he ” goofed up” and would need to stay at some ones house until this blew over. Dec 12 , 2011 @ 11PM I was dozing on the couch while he was upstairs drinking and cruising porn sites (I found out later)when he received a phone call and he got up and drove off. I believed he was going out for cigarettes as he was a heavy smoker, but he did not return. I called hospitals, police stations etc and eventually I called my father and asked him to come over as something was very wrong. Before he could come, my husband walked in at 8:30 Am (Sunday morning) and casually walked upstairs to go to sleep.Needless to say, that did not happen. I lost it and started screaming, called my parents to tell them not to come and told my husband to tell them where he had been all nite. Of course, he could not and he started crying about his”demons”. That’s when I knew. He took a shower, I went thru his cell phone msgs and found a msg THAT morning thanking him for their nite together. I forwarded it to my phone (and his answer), got a lawyer the next day and showed her the msgs. I found charges on MY credit card for advertising his naked body on a porn site in Europe, I found where he had sent naked pix of himself to a co-worker in another state and more msgs from other girls praising his sexual prowess. Now comes the good part- I confronted him in front of my mother and read the msgs out loud, I called the boss of his co-worker and told them about the exchanged naked pix, I called both of the girls and their families (including children) to inform them of their mothers actions with a married man. And I called their bosses as well. He began to get worried about his reputation and so I got him a therapist- wrote up a life guide manifesto with the new rules and if he does not follow them, I will take everything and tell his own children. The rules are: a twice weekly sex therapist session, I have access to all computers and phones, I have all the credit cards and and bank accounts, we carpool together everyday, we share all of our hobbies now,
    no bars, meetings at a sober living facility once weekly. The list goes on and if he strays, I will take out an ad in the paper, denounce him in front of friends and children and I WILL take everything. The house is now in my name and the cars and his precious motorcycle. I changed lawyers to find one who does not mind getting dirty hands- he has agreed to sue all the participating parties for adultery. In this state you can sue for $ 1000 per occurrence which would keep everyone poor and in court for some time based on all the info we have gathered. And then it goes on your record and becomes public domain. He has admitted to his sin in one of our joint therapy sessions as part of his attempts at healing and he was forced to call his last affair in front of me and denounce her. Some of this has been healing but the pain will never go away. Sometimes I look at him in the middle of the nite and feel that I really hate him. Despite 15 months of twice weekly sessions and many many tears, my life will never be the same.I will never trust him again. I will never love him again. I do not respect him and I think of him as pitiful and less than human. The only reason I stay is the realization that he will die before me (he’s a heavy smoker with emphysema and serious asthma and a family history of lung cancer) and only in his death will I find justice. That’s how bitter I have become. It killed everything that was good.

    • Jewels March 22, 2013, 6:56 PM

      Suzpuuz,

      I will never cheat on you, because you are a woman not to be messed with (smile)!!! I like the fact that you gave him strict guidelines as far as what is acceptable and what is not afterwards, and you made him realize that you will leave.

      My only concern is that you seem very unhappy. I think you are focused more on getting him back for the pain, the severe pain he caused you but this is where sometimes revenge can backfire. I wanted my ex-husband to hurt so bad, I really did, I tried to make him feel pain, and no matter what, I could not get him to feel as bad as I did.

      The other thing to consider is that if you spend a great deal of your life making him pay, that takes a certain toll and joy out of your life, in a serious way. Instead of living for you, you end up living to keep tabs and keep him on the straight and narrow.

      I think it’s time to think about YOU, and what YOU really want. What kind of life you want to life, and start to make changes that will support your present happiness. If ‘it’ whatever it is, is constantly making you miserable, it is worth it?

      Just my two cents, I really wish you the best, just giving you some food for thought, take care.

  • Suzpuuz March 22, 2013, 8:13 PM

    You are correct and I am sensible enough to realize how unhappy I really am. Just today I made reservations to go to Houston to look at a possible relocation in April. I told my sister but have not even bothered to tell my husband as it really does not make any difference anyway. I really want someone to take care of my dogs until I can get everything in order and move them with me. They have been my rock during all of this. I have begun moving money out of state and have told the kids I can no longer take care of them financially, they are grown and its time they paid their own way thru life. So even tho they have been aware of tension in the family, they now know I am willing to start taking care of ME. I am sure it will be a long process but I am up to the task, I feel like I have been asleep for awhile and now its time to wake up. I just hate that I have wasted 30 yrs on that cheating SOB, but NO MORE. Thanks for the good thoughts. I feel better that I have bared my soul and I am able to face this. Thanks

  • tash March 27, 2013, 3:28 AM

    My so call husband has facebooked old girlfriends nightlined (chat room) craiglisted while in ATL. And recently I found a hookers number I believe that’s cheating over a course of ,11 years What should I do I wsnt.a DziVORCE!!!#####!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-)

    • Jewels March 27, 2013, 6:53 AM

      Tash/Suzpuuz,

      Tash – That is a pretty long list of lies and cheating. I think in your heart you know what you need to do, and you know what is best for you, based on your current situation and your husband’s personality. Be safe and be careful.

      Suzpuuz – Go Suzpuuz!! Glad to hear you are working towards YOUR happiness, I wish you the best!! (It’s not where you have been, it’s where you are going)

  • Suzpuuz March 27, 2013, 7:33 AM

    But it does not make up for the pain and feeling of loss. I am seeing my counselor again today about his failure to come completely clean which is something I need. I guess I am still in shock that his problems run so deep. His brother ( a success story of recovery) is also coming over tonite to help wrestle this out of him to make this easier on me when I tell I am leaving.
    Thanks for the good thoughts, I know not everyday will be great but I’m willing to try to recover my sanity and happiness.

  • Gina April 23, 2013, 12:31 PM

    One year ago my husband was in Asia with a business partner and had 48 hrs stop over in Manila and had some free time in the afternoon and walked across the street to the mall and was approached from behind by a prostitute who asked him if he was by himself and in need of company, in which in replied yes. Off they went back to the hotel across the street and undressed and she put a condom on him and within seconds of doing “the act” he pulled out and couldn’t continue and told her to leave, she wanted to get paid or she wouldn’t leave, so he gave her the $50 and she was outta there! He kept this SECRET for ONE YEAR, I just found out 2 months ago. We have been married 27 years and I am beyond furious that he would ever do this to me. Upon his insistance we have started marriage counselling and seeing our pastor. I honestly don’t think I can stay on this marriage. We don’t sleep in the same bed and we have not had any intimacy since he confessed to me!!!! Thank you for reading my story and please pray for me, because right now I am so confused!!! God Bless!

    • Jewels May 15, 2013, 7:13 AM

      Hi Gina,

      It seems like I missed your story, if you are still on the message board, give me an update as to how things are going.

  • Debbiy July 12, 2013, 9:07 PM

    I’ve been married to this man for 3 1/2 yrs. About 2 years ago I found out he was online with this women and she knew all about me. He told her he was getting married and after we had been married a while he starts telling her things about me. Now granted I knew nothing about her. One day he left his computer on and thier messages were there. Yes I read them. I was so hurt. She was telling him she wanted to be with him but this time she wanted to kiss on the lips. That tells me they have been together already. I didn’t tell anyone I read this and a few weeks later we have a family get together and he is insuting me and all kinds of nasthy things. His family loves me and was telling him off. After they left I heard him on the phone saying the party went good I think shes going to leave now.
    I confronted him and he lied to me, saying he was talking to his ex wife about me. I asked why she doesn’t know me and besides shes and ex for a reason of 28 years.
    Well he stayed off line for a while but now he is right back to chating with the woman. Again I read some chats and she wants to be his wife even if its not legall and she wants him to tell me to leave so he can go get her and bring her here to live as his wife. She has also gone as far as web cam sex with him, Don’t get me wrong he is at fault here and I blame him. When I shut down he gets pissed, When I say something about all this he lies and says I don’t know crap. He thinks Im stupid. When he does talk he says how could he have sex with me I must weigh 250 pds. I weigh 198 and when I meet him on match.com I weighted 170. Yes I gained weight but that was after we got married and 2 weeks later he couldn’t sleep with me I was to fat and I did nothing for him sexually. But he was fine before we got married. He says he married me so his kid doesn’t get his belongings/things. That hurts so much.
    I was married once before and he has passed away. We had a great life and yes I would like to have one with this man. The first day I meet him I heard this voice say he is the one but he is going to be trouble. Yes I believe in God and I have seen miracles . I don’t want what I had before that is gone, I want a new marrage with him. I just don’t know what to do anymore. He works when their is work and me I work 2 part time jobs as a health aid. I make very little but we are able to live. He is always puting down the amount I make and from what I read she knows what I make and thinks I need a different job too. Her husband has past and she gets ssd.
    So from what I read she can take better care of him and make him happy too.
    There is times I want to leave and die but leaving is not a possiblity. When I get paid I give him the money to pay the bills. What I realy want is for her to leave him alone and for him to deside to make this marrage work. I will tell you I am #4
    wife 2 divorces and one killed her self. He drinks and cheats(on line that I know of so far). But I still love him. Any advice

    • Jewels July 14, 2013, 8:18 PM

      Debbly
      Hi there!!
      Thanks for sharing your story. I want to give you a couple of women power tips for you. Rule #1 – Never give a man your entire paycheck – never. You work for that money, you deserve to know where it is going. Does it automatically go to him? Not to scare you, but I have heard several stories of women doing this, then they need to leave and the man leaves then with no money and no power. You should see your money and he should not get your entire paycheck. I know you didn’t know prior, but now you know!!! Especially since he is talking to another woman? I do not know your husband, so I can’t advise you on exactly what to do, but if I found out my husband was cheating and he takes my entire paycheck, I would make a call to my employer, open my own bank account, and have it go to me. Again, you know your husband, if you know that action will put you in harm, then you have to think of a different approach.
      He says you are too fat to have sex with because you are 20 pounds over what you were when he first me you? He says he only married you to not give his son money? This man is not right Debbly, he is just not right. Do not believe for 1 minute what he says about your weight. It seems like he has consistently said mean things to do in order to put you down. He is probably doing that on purpose because it makes you feel like no one would want you. DO NOT believe him! His insults are not true. DO NOT believe him. And from this point on (Rule #2, try to distant yourself from that noise of him saying those things, if he starts it, get away from him an do something else).
      Rule#3 YOU deserve much better, you really do. You are a nice lady and this is not how you should be treated, you should be valued and respected as a woman, and if that is not happening, time to go.
      Rule #4 – Take some time and talk to a lawyer, there are many lawyers that will give you a free 30 minute session.
      Take care.

  • Debbiy July 15, 2013, 7:36 PM

    I want to Thank You for your help. I’ve notice he’s not on line with her as much nore on the phone either. She told him I was on his computer when he was gone. When he started yelling at me I asked him how I would have been and wouldn’t he have found I was. He changed the subject. Well, I did see a message fron her saying I guess she was spying on you again. Gee I was at work so now he knows shes lying to him.
    That doesn’t change a thing he’s still cheating. But now he knows 1 I will do what I have to to protect myself.
    Again Thank You for your advice.

    • Jewels July 20, 2013, 7:42 AM

      You are quite welcome, take care.

  • texas_tinkers July 24, 2013, 11:12 AM

    You know its sad that there is so many of us trapped in this , been married 19 yrs to a man whom thinks so low of himself that he goes looking for women to make himself feel better only to make me feel like crap,he has done it all porn sex lines internet sites, meet women ,sent picture of himself or body parts, he was and i still think emotional attached to one they would talk all the time on the phone while i was working, he sent letter and cards to her ,
    at this moment in time there is 2 women from online facebook, and a internet game, he says his marriage is a joke, i pretty much have caught him on everything and i confront him, only to get the same ol this is your fault blah blah blah, he stop chattin with these 2 women for a while but will not let them go. just found out he is chatting and poking the one on facebook again and chatting on hangout with the other one, it makes me angry that they are so important, he said that it isn’t there fault and he doesn’t want to hurt there feelings, yet mine can be hurt, what a messed up fantasy he has in his mind,
    I have wanted to email them both and tell them to just move on, but i know it will serve no purpose they think he is this great man whom is married to a royal nag
    anyhow sometimes i just feel lost I know none of this is because im a nag its because of himself.
    here is a few quotes i live by know and just wanted to share,
    “It is easy to walk away, to abandon, to try and forget. What’s difficult is trying to rebuild in the face of the pain every single day. It takes tenacity, it takes strength, it takes perseverance, it takes everything you have”

    “You are not weak for staying. You are not weak for trying to see the best in a difficult situation. You’re not weak for pulling yourself up in the face of immense pain, and releasing the demons had on. You are not we were facing this every single day, and trying to make it better. If anything, that makes you and I warriors. And I don’t feel that anyone can tell you, me, or any other woman who has chosen to stay and fight for her relationship, that she is weak.”

    I do feel weak for staying, but sometimes i feel i wasn’t the one who step out of the marriage, i stood and tried to fight, he was the one making these choices ,I just wish these women and all the rest would just disappear, but since it been 5 yr on one and 3 for the other im thinking there not going away, and in time i will be the one whom has to walk away .
    thanks for taken time to read my story, and im glad to know im not alone in this world where it easy to find a sidetrack for husbands ,

    Oh and he is upset that i snoop said if i spent more time working on the marriage as i did snooping it wouldn’t be this bad ,I said if i trusted you not to be a fool i wouldn’t have to snoop, and yes we have done counseling he said he would never do it again because he didn’t like being gained up on, Guess the truth hurts and some can’t handle it, in a no win here because he hasn’t stopped and doesn’t really care how this makes me feel. I already know the answers, just sometimes it nice to have other whom have gone thru this just be your support,

  • Gina July 30, 2013, 9:41 AM

    Hi Jewels from USA,
    Update on my story of husband having sex with a prostitute while on business trip in Manila. I am still in the marriage. We still sleep apart and sexless marriage. I have told my husband I want a divorce, I donot have the finances to move out right now. He wants to stay together and continue marriage counselling. I do the counseling for me to try to move on. He knows I will not forgive him b/c he knew that adultery was unacceptable in a monogamous marriage. He alone made that conscious decision to have sex with the whore!
    I thank you for your support to the wives and husbands who have been cheated upon. You never think it could happen to you……….no one is immune! Regards Gina

  • Heather July 31, 2013, 9:01 PM

    My husband and I have been married for over 11 years now and have two children. I have caught him before on porn sites and even on dating sites. He claims to have only signed up to the dating sites to see pictures. We had a talk about it and things were great for a while. I just recently found on my cell phone bill where he had messaged/emailed ads on craigslist personals. He had also sent a picture with the message (he claims it was only a facial pic). I was able to get the ad ID numbers from the phone bill and looked up the ads. He responded to 9 different women’s ads for causal sex. He is a truck driver for a living. I continued to watch the cell phone account, but he never responded to any ads after that and he never got a response from the ads either. I did confront him about it and he claims that he only did it for amusement. He said he never had sex with anyone and that he never even got a response. I asked to see the messages he had sent on his phone, but he had deleted them. He claims to love me more than anything, but I just don’t know. He says he was just bored waiting on a load. I really don’t know what to do. I have two kids to think about, so I don’t like to make rushed decisions based on rage. I am SO hurt by all of this. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

    • Jewels August 4, 2013, 12:40 AM

      Texas Tinkers, Gina, and Heather

      Heather,
      I see a reoccurring theme of your husband making light of what he is doing. It’s almost as if he is trying to excuse his behavior by his intent (just going to a dating site to get picture of women, just emailing personal ad’s on craiglist just for fun). If it was just for amusement, why didn’t he share for jokes? I think we both know this is not amusement, this is crushing you and impacting you, especially since you caught him before. I know you have kids, and you are right, with kids, it changes your ability to just ‘leave’. I am not sure he understands how this feels, he is a truck driver, so every time he gets on the road, you now might be thinking is he doing it again? And while it might be for ‘fun’ what if one responded, when what?

      He should feel that what he did is not ok. You might run into two problems, the first is that when this happened before, you took him back. Did you set up something as far as “I am taking you back, but if you do this again, it’s over?” Either way, if you take him back again he might be thinking in his mind ‘oh she won’t leave, we will talk and it will blow over’. Also, you are really thinking about the kids, which is normal, but he might know that. My ex-husband knew I didn’t want to break the family up, he knew I would be financially devastated, and I think that because of that he didn’t think I would leave. But I had enough, and his cheating was impacting my ability to be a great mom because I was angry and miserable all the time concerning his actions. I tried to hide it, but kids know when mommy isn’t right. Just giving you some things to consider. He should know he messed up big time, hold him accountable for fixing the trust now that he has shattered it again, and see if he really steps up. If you find out one more thing, are you ready to leave? If so, tell him. If not, don’t because if it does happen and you don’t leave, he will not stop doing this. Is he willing to be transparent with his phone, ect? The second time you find out about this type of stuff is very hard to repair in a marriage. No decisions in rage, think about the situation, think about your options, and act accordingly. Be well, hugs to you.

      Gina,
      Thanks for the update, I know it’s hard now, but things will get better, and you are right, he took the risk when he slept the whore, so now he has to deal with the consequences. Hugs to you!

      Texas Tinkers,
      Yes, I just read your story and you are right, as I read your post you know exactly where you are within your marriage. You know your options, you know what you are deciding to live with. You know what you should do, but most importantly you know what you will do. And what many women have told me is that just typing out their story is helpful, just getting those thoughts down. Ironically, when I started the site, that is exactly what I was doing, I was going crazy with all the thoughts, and started to just write what I was feeling, looking back, me writing was a blessing in disguise. Those quotes are why you will not see me ‘telling someone’ what to do. All I do is share a perspective, but it will never be you should leave or you should stay, it’s not my place. There are many other sites that will gladly share what they think of you and your situation, but I am (and most of the others on this site) are here to support, that’s all. Take care!!

  • candis August 7, 2013, 1:04 PM

    My husband and have been togetheir on and off for three years and just recently got married he had cheated on me twiced once with his ex and the otheir a tramp and now he is getting on online dating sites and live sex chats is this cheating and what do i do please help plus he won’t have sex with me

  • Red August 19, 2013, 6:58 AM

    Candis,
    Yes!!! You need to leave him now while you can. Once you have kids with him it will be much harder. He will NEVER change and you will be tortured like the rest of us here. He sounds like a sex addict. It may hurt now, and his temporary promises to change may feel good, but he will slip back and selfishly torture you more. I’m so sorry you are going through this. PLEASE GET OUT NOW!!!!!!!!!! You will find love again and now have a chance to find a normal guy.

  • Tired and worried November 11, 2013, 4:41 AM

    I have dealt with for 8 years on and off husband cheating online. Cl postings ratings sites, etc. A few messages on yahoo gmail aol his cell etc. Phone calls to one I’ve found cell home work number he denies having sex with her ever. But she when I asked said yes and well I asked what tattoos he had she came close but not correct on what they were. Then when I stepped out I forgot which he called her told her not talk to me block my number don’t tell me anything. I’ve questioned him several times I saw messages that were vague. But one had said oh glad ac was working this time last time it got to hot. He claims it was role play. Then one day he goes to dentist she sends nasty nasty her nasty ugly nude pics to his cell he messaged back declined her. Of course I was off that day. I resent her pics to her and posted them to cl lol and other sites and photoed a copy of her face off of Fb and sent it to her job with school system. I’m sorry but the sluts that still go after them and know they’re married I’m gonna start letting the world know who and what they really are. But back to point he claims it’s not me nothing I’m not doing why he’s done it, the online ads. Then he says it’s a game was bored, then says well he was curious. I’m no fool I feel in my gut there’s more. I’ve caught the online crap four times he knew before we married my first husband beat me, cheated on me etc. And what it did to me and made me feel like. I’ve begged him to leave do t post talk text call sluts and be with me just leave me and leave me alone if that’s whT he wants every time he’s busted he dose t tell me all accounts I find them and the some he never confesses when I just ask random are you still doing it? He says no no leave past in past that’s history gets pissy. Then weeks later bam again fourth time I found it. I am beyond hurt pain hate anger resentment remorse and anger at myself why the hell am I trying why am I still with him? Why have I even have him the first chance!??? I have told him he needs professional help and to talk to a man of God. It’s perverted nasty gross humiliating all the crap I have read. I have read so much trash and I sit and of course stew in it and ask myself he touches me he has kissed me with that nasty mouth he says I love u with the same nasty mouth. How the heck can any stupid ignorant man say to his wife I love u I want only u I want no one else I don’t want a divorce and do that crap for that long how? Why? I’m type I have to know why I have to understand. He only agrees to what I find and confront nothing more and he always wants to know what I know before he so call confesses. I know and have told him that’s not love that’s not respect for me for marriage it is against my morals my ideas of marriage and a marriage is what u make it what u out in it and above all commitment and communication. What advice or thoughts do you’ll have?????

    • Jewels November 13, 2013, 6:37 AM

      Hi Tired and Worried,

      My first thought that came to mind after reading your story is that you already caught his several times. And you are still with him. In his mind, he might be thinking cheating is ok, because each time you catch him, you might get mad and talk, but you guys are still together. The repercussion of his cheating or not big enough for him to stop. So he continues. You are right, he might need help but might not get help until HE decides it is a problem. I know you ask yourself why do you stay? And the answer to that question might be deep rooted. It might go all the way back to your childhood and self-esteem issues. It might be worth your time to see a therapist that can help you understand how to get through those questions that you ask. It could lead to healing for you. Hugs to you.

  • lizzy July 20, 2014, 7:07 PM

    My husband and I have been married for 25 yrs. and I caught him talking to 2 of the women that are on the porno sites. He has been particularly talking to this one woman for months and the other woman lives down the street from us. I am so angry and hurt right now. I will never forget the text conversations he had with both women. What is so ironic about it is he made me sound like a pos. and he was the victim. I don’t know if he slept with any of the women but he would get all worked up and come onto me. I was clueless. Yea not nomore. Honestly I call this emotional cheating. He was very deceptive with what he did. At first I felt like I wasn’t enough and he used that stupid saying well I’m lonely. I need to find me. Go through the phone records on your cell phone that’s how I found out he called them multiple times.

  • Debbiy July 21, 2014, 2:02 PM

    Jewels, I wanted to let you know last Dec.2013 yes after he got my check from work 2 days later he got mad at me, came in the house yelling at me calling me names like always, except this time he said “get the f*** out of my house, just pack your s*** and leave” I asked him 3 times saying “really is this what you want” and he kept saying yes. So I started packing my things and loading my trucks(yes I have 2 one was newer other was up for sale). Called my kids and asked one if I could stay with them and if they could help me move. They said yes.
    So, the next day I had my help and with in a few days all my things were gone. That was over 7 months ago.
    Once I was moved out his one internet women sent me a message on face book saying my marriage fault because I wasn’t submissive to him like she will be. I then told her go ahead enjoy your self. Just know this he never go far from home and all friends/family have to come to his home your going no were and your grand kids, well your going to be paid to take care of them that’s the only way they will be there, and no you wont be going to see any friends or family they come there. Oh and the drinking enjoy your self, watching him get drunk, become insulating . But you will enjoy him and his friends once they are all drunk and you have to go get more beer for them. She got made and said she was going to call him and read all that I said. I told her go ahead sweetheart but I already sent it all to hi cell phone, email and left him a voice message that he will get after he wakes up about 2 am, you know when you two are always on line together. She then told me she was going to report me to face book and block me. I said go ahead remember I have my proof of what you have said! She was gone. The next da he calls all mad wanting to know what all this is about. I said if you read it you know. Your girlfriend contacted me. Isn’t that what I have been saying all along. Hang up calls!! He calls all the time and he wants me back, then he calls when he’s drunk and insults me that reminds me why I’m not with him. Oh, less then 2 months after leaving I got asked to start working full time, making more money. I have reconnected with my children. I, gave him my checks paid for 99% of everything since he didn’t work much. So, if he wants a divorce he can PAY for it. Any advice of more I should do? And Thank You

  • Tammy July 30, 2014, 11:47 PM

    Last week my whole life came crumbling down when I accidentally discovered my husband of 9 years has been using craigslist to find women to have sex with. I have over 30 emails from craigslist. He is also a member of okcupid and ashleymadison. I just realized that things like this actual exist. I actual put up a fake ad on craigslist and he responded to the fake ad. So I caught him red handed. I am so hurt and just had the ultimate betrayal done to me. There is no way I can ever trust him again. I am going tell him everything I know and I am not going to let him even try to make up some lame excuse. It is what it is he messed up and I’m better then that. He has now torn his family apart and he is the one that has to live with the guilt.

    • Jewels August 16, 2014, 12:09 AM

      Hi Ladies,

      Not sure how I missed these stories but interested in hearing updates if you subscribe to comments on this post and get this email.

      Tammy,

      I know it’s hurtful to have your own husband respond to an ad for sex on a website. But also good for you to stand your ground and not feel guilty for his actions. As long as you know you will be fine, the family will be find. He is going to lose a great thing and I won’t be surprised if he tries to get you back. Do what is right for you.

      Debbiy,

      No man should feel entitled to get drunk and talk to you that way. It’s not right and I am glad that you realize that is it not ok. I am glad that you stood up for yourself when confronted by the other woman and essentially told her ‘good luck with him’. You know what you are leaving and you already see positive changes coming into your life. Sometimes when we are surrounded by a person that is just not right for us, everything else isn’t right, and as soon as we leave that situation, it’s like the sun comes out! I am not sure if you are looking for advice as far as the divorce or another issue. With the divorce, talk to a lawyer, some give free consultations. There are so many things that we need to be informed of as women concerning divorce. It is worth looking into. Take care and hugs to you!

      Lizzy,,

      Seeing those text messages is a traumatic event in your life. Trying to comprehend something like that is very difficult on many levels. If you have the means to go to therapy to help you process the information it would be worth it. The way to find yourself is not through porno sites. His actions have nothing to do with you, if there was something lacking it’s his responsibility as a husband to work on that with you. It’s hard to compete with images on a screen and someone who has phone sex all the time. It’s not fair to you and essentially gets your husband addicted to a fantasy. Take care of yourself.

  • Caz52 October 21, 2014, 8:08 PM

    I am currently two weeks from giving birth to my second son, to my husband. He is currently on at least eight sites, looking for “sex and fun”.
    Two weeks from having a baby.

    • Jewels October 25, 2014, 3:32 PM

      Hi Caz52,

      My heart goes out to you, I found out my husband was cheating weeks before my son was born and I literally had to force myself to eat I was so upset. With that said, I know your mind is really shaken by this, the best thing to do right now although I know it might be tough is focus on the baby and being healthy. Does your husband know you know about the sites? If so, how was his reaction. I felt so helpless when I found out while I was pregnant, your mind goes through so many emotions. Hang in there, the emotional roller coaster does stabilize over time.

  • bina November 19, 2014, 10:05 PM

    My boyfriend has been on x-dating for several months and was talking to one woman. He works out of town a lot.I found out he went 1 hour away from his job and rented a hotel room. He told me he chickened out and left. Do I believe him? Never thought he would cheat.

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