Sex is a major part of a marriage, and infidelity in marriage makes sex about ten times more complicated (See Stress, sex, and affair recovery for more of my thoughts on this.).
Right now, the sex in our relationship is so complicated that I don’t want to have it for five reasons.
1. Sexual performance. I feel like every time we sleep together now I have to perform, as if I’m competing with the other woman in some way. I am also scared to speak my mind if something is uncomfortable because I am thinking “Would the OW say something?”
2. Criticism. If he brings up any suggestions for what we can do in the bedroom, I freak out! For example, the last time we had sex, he wanted me on top. I said yes, but I apparently I didn’t do it very well (or maybe I was just not doing it like she does), and he got frustrated with me. After the thought of her popped into my head, I could not continue. I then proceed to cry hysterically because I felt like he was comparing me to the other woman by criticizing me – in the act!
3. Wondering if she did it better. I keep wondering if they had better sex, and if so, why? Did he have more fun with her during sex? Did she do this? Did she do that? The constant wondering and constant comparison is painful.
4. Fun and relaxing sex disappeared. Sex is supposed to be an enjoyable, relaxing experience that brings you and your husband closer together. For me, it doesn’t do that anymore; in fact, it is more stressful than enjoyable. It’s almost like sleeping with the enemy. I hate that I feel that way, but I do.
5. Sex is worse than ever now. My cheating husband thought we had sex problems before the affair, and now everything is even more messed up. It’s really hard to fight for your marriage when you’re an emotional basket case before, during, and after sex.
Just in case you’re wondering, yes, I use a condom. (See Do cheating husbands use condoms? for more about why it’s important to use protection if you’re going to have sex with your husband following an affair.) I don’t trust him enough yet not to. Yes, he hates it, and yes, that OW probably didn’t require him to use one – this is so frustrating!!