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My Husband Cheated – 5 Reasons Why I Now Hate Having Sex With Him

by Jewels on October 25, 2009

Sex is a major part of a marriage, and infidelity in marriage makes sex about ten times more complicated (See Stress, sex, and affair recovery for more of my thoughts on this.).

Right now, the sex in our relationship is so complicated that I don’t want to have it for five reasons.

1. Sexual performance. I feel like every time we sleep together now I have to perform, as if I’m competing with the other woman in some way. I am also scared to speak my mind if something is uncomfortable because I am thinking “Would the OW say something?”

2. Criticism. If he brings up any suggestions for what we can do in the bedroom, I freak out! For example, the last time we had sex, he wanted me on top. I said yes, but I apparently I didn’t do it very well (or maybe I was just not doing it like she does), and he got frustrated with me. After the thought of her popped into my head, I could not continue. I then proceed to cry hysterically because I felt like he was comparing me to the other woman by criticizing me – in the act!

3. Wondering if she did it better. I keep wondering if they had better sex, and if so, why? Did he have more fun with her during sex? Did she do this? Did she do that? The constant wondering and constant comparison is painful.

4. Fun and relaxing sex disappeared. Sex is supposed to be an enjoyable, relaxing experience that brings you and your husband closer together. For me, it doesn’t do that anymore; in fact, it is more stressful than enjoyable. It’s almost like sleeping with the enemy. I hate that I feel that way, but I do.
5. Sex is worse than ever now. My cheating husband thought we had sex problems before the affair, and now everything is even more messed up. It’s really hard to fight for your marriage when you’re an emotional basket case before, during, and after sex.

Just in case you’re wondering, yes, I use a condom. (See Do cheating husbands use condoms? for more about why it’s important to use protection if you’re going to have sex with your husband following an affair.) I don’t trust him enough yet not to. Yes, he hates it, and yes, that OW probably didn’t require him to use one – this is so frustrating!!

{ 38 comments }

Observer July 24, 2010 at 8:09 PM

Wooow, sorry for that, but is this actually how women feel ??? I hear it’s men who compare themselves sexually to affair partners not women.

Jewels from USA July 24, 2010 at 9:33 PM

Oh yes, women compare themselves as well. It’s a huge hit to your self esteem sexually. And unfortunately, it’s really hard to have the thoughts above and have good sex. Now, I do believe you can get back to a great sex life with your partner, but it takes a good amount of work, because of all the new emotions involved. Thanks Observer for visiting my site!!

Belleville Broken Hearted August 3, 2010 at 1:32 PM

Okay you’re going to think I’m crazy, but NOT..just a different take..

1. I wanted him badly. So I had him… 2 days after I found out. I made him make love to me…and it was GOOD! We had good passion sex prior to the affair but for whatever reason, I don’t have any shame anymore & I do or have done what I want done to me …AND it is GOOD. I don’t feel like I am in competition…he better get me off!! After we were done, I let him know “sex” didn’t fix it and I still might leave your >>>!

2. Now with that being said I do have thoughts of comparison in terms of keeping him (if that is what I decide to do)….because I believe if the man is just not a straight sex hound…it takes two to welcome the 3rd. Meaning we as wives have some part in getting that man’s mind to think outside the marriage. Now stop getting pissed…..I don’t execuse my husband’s cheating. He made the choice. But my point is…I know I was bitchy…I know I dismissed him, but I never thought he would actually cross the line. And when he did/they do you ask yourself “WHY”. Be honest with your answer to yourself. So for me trying to figure out the future…I think I corrected myself & admit my part & things worked out ….when new things arise that he doesn’t….will he do it again !!! That is hard & makes the decision to stay or go…harder.

Jewels from USA August 3, 2010 at 10:48 PM

Belleville Broken Hearted,

Thanks for your comment. It seems like in your relationship you had great sex prior to the cheating, which was different for me. We had some sex issues prior. I hear about women that have these great sex lives with their partner, seems like your one of them (I am happy for you!!). You also seem like a very confident person, you get yours in, and do what makes you feel good. I literally have to work at being confident everyday, and I wish more women (including myself) were more like you.

As far as the part where you say to look at yourself and see what part you had to play in the affair, you are right. I really need to write a post about this, because it is important. The reason I haven’t done that is because I tend to take that statement about my fault in the cheating and go way overboard, to the point where I excuse his cheating because I didn’t do this or that. It doesn’t help that my husband helps to tell me how it was all my fault. My thing is, I don’t make a grown man do anything, there are tons of other options other than lying and sleeping with someone else. I understand I may have been acting cranky, but when he was not on his stuff I didn’t jump in bed with another man, but then again, men think different :).

Lastly, your point about the decision to stay or go has so much truth in it. Since he has opened the door you don’t want to work really hard in the marriage, and then the moment something changes that might change your attitude (sick family member, job problems), you feel that he might cheat again. It’s a tough choice to make, I wish you the best in your decision, let me know how things turn out.

Amaze October 21, 2010 at 7:29 AM

I only just read your ‘article/letter’
My advice is RUN BABY RUN. It doesnt get better.I’ve been there and know what its like. Now 12 yrs later I still don’t trust him, still wonder about the others, still have no feeling for sex with him.

Jewels from USA October 21, 2010 at 10:21 PM

Wow…that is powerful. I am running, moving out in 2 weeks, your post gives me encouragement that I am making the right decision. Thank you.

Susan November 8, 2010 at 5:01 PM

Wow! So encouraging to know I’m not alone. Right after I found out I initiated sex everyday for about two weeks even though I really didn’t want it, I was performing desperately trying to win back my husband desire. It is soo humiliating to admit that especially now that I know that he was still seeing her. She was trying everything she could to keep him and so was I, I think the &$))(; got off on that!!! Needless to say I stopped performing and had no desire to be touched by him.
About six months later we had some pretty good sex for about two months and then I climbed back in my shell and had triggers every time he came near me. I still do now that’s it’s been 16 months since I caught him, I am terrified of being vulnerable to him. H e has moved back home(allowed him to do that a week ago) and still have no desire for him to touch me. I know he hasn’t seen her at all as I have a friend that knows her, yet I can’t be close to him.
Will this pain and fear ever go away?
I constantly think was she a better lover? Kisser? Funnier? On and on I go with the insecure comparisons. To all you ladies who have made a decision either to stay or go I commend you! I know I can’t stay in limbo much longer, it is making me crazy.

Mrs Bigs November 9, 2010 at 4:08 PM

I have to say this is the first real webpage that I have found over my concern about having sex with my once cheating husband. My husband cheated on me once while living home (a one night stand) and then after moving to a new job while I stayed home to pay off debt with my pay from my job. He began a “relationship” with a woman he works with. My husband was not saved and during our entire marriage of 9 years my family, daughter and I have been praying for him to turn his life over to Jesus. Well, he did start to realize in the midst of the affiar how wrong he was and he did have a little bit of desire to stop and make things right. Yet he didn’t. He still continued to be with her after trying to divorce me then taking it back because he realized that his excuses were very petty for wanting to leave me. He said he was 100% in love with me but still stayed with her while I was unaware of what he was up to. We had marriage counselling during one of his trips back from work then upone his return he had finally called things off with her (after spending one more night in bed with her.. he says there was no sex). Well within the next week or two, an ex-employee tracked me down on Facebook to inform me about them. I fasted for 4 or 5 days and prayed until I was prepared to confront him. After the confrontation he fell to his knees and completely let Jesus into his heart. After noticing all of the compassion that He had on him throughout his unspeakable acts. God kept him from loosing his job, helped him find a new apartment (in which he found a bible), and most amazingly kept his wife (Me) in love with him and compassionate enough to immediately want to forgive him and work out the marriage. Which I would have never thought would be my reaction bacause me and him had always talked in the past about what we would do if the other one cheated. So here we are, he’s growing in God and getting excited about our future together while I’m in a living hell in my mind. I’m about to visit him and one of my concerns is having sex with him. I’m not even comfortable about riding in his truck sitting where I know she once sat so how could I possibly be comfortable with having sex with him again. I asked him to buy condoms thinking that could help but overall my family is letting me know that it will take grace that God will bless me with when the time is right. I have a hard time imagining that happening anytime soon. But since we are trying to fix this while being long-distance we have tried doing things like sending each other provocative pictures of ourselves. At one point I was unable to masturbate but I have been able to get back into that with the help of his pictures… So maybe there’s a chance of a quick healing in the bed as much as my other areas of concern? My advice to all of the wives who have been cheated… Turn to Jesus! Pray and pray and pray. Fast and go to the Bible. Ask for the Holy Spirit for guidance. Even if things don’t work out with him… pray!

Jewels from USA November 10, 2010 at 12:21 AM

Hello Susan,

Not sure if the pain ever goes away 100%, but it does become more managable depending on the decisions you make. The limbo stage is really an uncomfortable stage, you’re writing your own advice which is so true, you can not stay in limbo for too long, it totally stalls your personal revoery. Take care and I wish you the best in making your decision to stay or leave.

Jewels from USA November 10, 2010 at 12:51 AM

Thanks Mrs. Bigs for sharing your spritual journey through the affair. I am happy to hear that you and your husband are making progress in a positive direction, I am sure this is going to help other women.

As far as the sex, I am sure of a repair method that will fix that part pretty quickly. There will be things during foreplay/sex that are going to remind you of the affair. I know it’s a long distance relationship, but hopefully your husband can be patient with you. Be honest with him about how you feel so that he can try to understad where you are coming from. If he is willing to be patient with you, that is key. Best of luck with your steamy night together!!

Mrs Bigs November 23, 2010 at 1:29 PM

Thank you Jewels for your comment!

I’m happy to report that my trip up to see my husband went very well. Yes there were a few small moments that I began to think about the affairs but overall the time spent with him was positive. God did bless me with the grace that I needed! I was also very surprised that the sex really didn’t seem to be a major problem for me like I thought it would. Now, the fact that we have the distance between us and I have been without sex for a month or two could have also played a part on my desire to have it right away (and a lot of it). Unfortunately THAT is also what makes me sad when I think about me being faithful while apart from him. I think; He had his “fun” and therefore didn’t NEED the sex like I did or didn’t desire me like I do for him. I’m still struggling with thoughts like this and it is worse while we’re apart. I’m also sure that HE DID NEED it! He probably needed to see that his wife still loves and desires him and doesn’t completely think on him with disgust. I’m know he desires for things to be as they were if not better than they were because he is continuously beating himself up over what he did. He is still in the process of turning his life around for God, himself and his family. He is keeping away from bars and the night life that led to his infidelity. We also visited a church while I was there to see if that’s where we want to go as a family. I’m proud of him and I understand that this kind of lifestyle change doesn’t and will not happen overnight. It does take work to be a better Christian but it IS worth it. That empty void that you have is filled with Christ and He IS filling. Unlike infidelity, alcohol, drugs, and other things that your body will never be satisfied with and will never fill you. These things are only temporary satisfactions and will ultimately destroy you and the ones you love but God is forever satisfying and provides everlasting life!
At this point most of my struggles are regaining trust, forgiving him (and I would like to eventually forgive her) and all the psychological damage that I have developed from this trauma.
Yes, sometimes I want to hurt them. Although I think to myself; if I punch him right square in the face will that make things better? Will that be enough? I’m more than certain that it would be the TEMPORARY satisfaction that would not heal and restore the damage on my marriage. Doing that could even cause tensions to be worse and cause restoration to take that much longer or maybe non-existent. Instead I have been freely expressing my pain, thoughts and fears with God and my husband as they come to turmoil me. I don’t think you should keep your mouth shut by any means. If you let that anger resonate within you at some point it will burst from the seams. It will produce more heartache and perhaps stop any progression made in its tracks and could even destroy it completely. Lord knows this will all take many years to heal. I may never FULLY trust him again. I know there will be that voice in the back of my head even when I want to trust him that tells me otherwise. BUT! If my husband OR YOURS is no longer the man he was when he chose the unspeakable path of infidelity and he IS a new man in Christ then I’m sure one day that faith and trust in your husband will grow stronger and the fears will diminish.

Jewels from USA November 23, 2010 at 9:02 PM

Thanks Mrs. Bigs for the update, so glad to hear things went well!! I am happy that your husband is making a positive attempt to restore the relationship. You’re right in your thinking about punching him in the face, it would be temporary, essentially, you have to get to the point where YOU learn how to release the emotion and anger within you, which is something that is actually outside of your husband. I tried to make my husband hurt for a long time, and it just didn’t work out as planned, I now realize it was not my job to hurt or cause pain, the only person you can control is your own self and your thoughts around the situation. That’s great that you’re trying so hard to take the higher road in this traumatic experience. Best of luck and keep in touch with how things are progressing!!

Mrs Bigs November 24, 2010 at 9:14 AM

Thank you Jewels!
It is very difficult to try and not hurt him because you do want them to be in as much pain as you are. I know he’s remorseful, shameful and all of those things but we end up with the same feelings and MORE! I don’t think they could ever feel the amount of pain that we do until it happens to them. I totally understand why some betrayed spouses resort to having an affair of their own for revenge or as an attempt to hurt the cheating spouse like you have been. I haven’t succumbed to that action either but I will say that anything and everything has crossed my mind and it is REALLY hard not to act on them.
Honestly I would still love to put the beat down on the other woman. I think about how good it would make me feel because I don’t have to reconcile with her or learn to love her. Sometimes I wonder if it would be worth creating a criminal record to put her in her place. A few things that would keep me from doing that is the possibility of a criminal record, my daughter and the fact that the Bible does state that she will be severely punished for her actions and therefore I don’t need to seek revenge. I will say that I hope she lives the rest of her life alone and depressed because that is almost what she has done to me and my daughter. I don’t understand how women like her (especially ones who are mothers) could care so much only for themselves and about their own sexual desires that they know and are willing to completely crush and destroy the world of an innocent child. Why would you want to be the cause of that? How can you live with yourself? Even if I had no morals and values that alone would be enough to ruin my desire to be with a married father of a young child.
{Sigh}… Okay, I’m done venting!
I am worried about coming across her though. Me and my family are praying that God can get her out of town and maybe out of state before I move up there. It’s a VERY small town and it’s not a matter of IF I run into her but WHEN.
Anyways, I appreciate you and your site and I’ll be sure to keep you posted! Take care!

Jewels from USA November 24, 2010 at 8:27 PM

Mrs. Bigs…lol…a criminal record is definitely not worth it, especially for the other woman, so not worth it!! I sometimes wonder as well what type of women would do this, and I concluded that it’s women that have serious issues! They block out the fact that what they are doing is wrong and justify it by the way they feel. But at this point in my life, I don’t give the OW any of my precious thoughts, she is not worth it. Take Care!!

joanne December 16, 2010 at 8:20 PM

I just found out my husband has been cheating on me with several (at least 8) women while on his frequent business trips to San Fran. I do not know what I am going to do as yet. He will be coming home tomorrow and I an going to confront him with the many emails that I found between him and these women. I have 2 kids 13 and 7 and for their sake would not like to divorce him but I really have to think this out. I do intend to tell his family as they think he is the “golden child” and I want to ruin that image as part of my revenge. I also intend on sending an email from his email to these women telling them that “my wife found out about my relationships and I want to save my marriage so I will not be contacting any of you again and do not contact me.” I also want to send an email to his coworkers in San Fran letting him know of his cheating habits and asking them to stop going out to bars with him. Any advice on my plans?

joanne December 16, 2010 at 8:21 PM

NOTE the smiley face should have been the number 8. Yes, it looks like it was all sex.

Jewels from USA December 16, 2010 at 8:54 PM

Hello Joanne,

Sorry to hear about your situation. I will tell you from experience you have a long road ahead. You’re in the initial devastation stage of finding out. In this stage I encourage all women to hold back on the ‘revenge’ actions when you just found out. There are just too many emotions in your head and you don’t want to do something you will later regret. For instance, you might tell his family, and then everyone knows he is not the ‘golden child’ anymore. Let’s say you decide to work it out. Well for many women that told the ‘world’ to get back at him, they are now dealing with the emotion of being looked upon by family as the ‘women who stayed with her cheating husband’, which has impacted a wives self-esteem. You are going to have a great amount of things to deal with outside of his family and friends knowing for now. I would give it some time. I know the exact state your in, he hurt you severely and you want nothing more but for him to be hurt and embarrassed as well. At the same time you don’t want to do something that might turn around and hurt you even more in the end. The first thing is for you and your husband to talk. I would also encourage you to read my free ebook, it is a quick read and for women in your exact situation. Best of luck, no matter which action you take, I will be hear to support and help the best way I can. Keep me posted.
-Jewels

joanne December 16, 2010 at 9:24 PM

thanks for the quick response Jewels. This is the second time in our 14 years of marriage that he has cheated on me. The first time I was like you still preganant and it continued for many months after our son was born. I remember calling the OW and telling her that he was married and had a 9 month old baby. I told no one about his cheating because I knew that I would not/could not leave him. I believed him and I forgave him and eventually learned to trust him again (after a long time). It has been 7 years now since he last cheated on me (that I know about) and this time I refuse to keep it quiet. I have to overload this burden and tell his family. I will not tell my family as yet as I do not want them to hate him or cause my mother undue stress. I also only told one friend (did not tell her about the first time)and have not decided on whether I will tell any others at this time. I will have to wait and see how I feel after the D period. I did read your book before I posted my first comment. I definitely will be sending that email to these women to let them know that he has a wife and that he was just in it for the sex. I am a little on the fence as to whether or not I should also send an email to his coworkers from me letting them know what he has been doing (I’m sure some of them already knew) and asking them not to take him to any bars. What are your thoughts on this?

Jewels from USA December 18, 2010 at 12:48 AM

Hello Joanne,

ok, I understand more now. The first time you’re more careful, the second time is different. Since this is the second time I see you want him to feel pain, but you don’t want to leave right because of the kids? How is he handling you knowing about the affair? Is he trying to make things better or just doesn’t care? Does he think that you won’t tell people. I know my husband never thought I would tell, until the second time, I didn’t care at that point, I knew it was over.
-Jewels

lost and hurt March 3, 2011 at 7:28 AM

I too have been at the mist of what to do while pregnanet my fiance was doing the same and after my pregancy. When i conforted the situation he denied it over and over until i approached the women and she told me everything everything to a point that she said he was bad mouthing me and talking about how he was never happy with me. I thought I could start trusting him but once in a while this women textes me things they have done together while I was home caring for the baby and when I went back to work. He really did so much that although I try I am starting to hate him for lying and hate him for not telling me the truth. he wanted me to believe that i was going crazy. Now I dont believe him and I dont feel as though I want him touching me. At times I feel sick to my stomach when we are done having sex only because I am hurting that he touched another women. I pretend i enjoy it and feel as though this is not what i shoud be doing but he really scarred me to a point where I find other men asking me for my number and I am so tempted to do the same. Yesterday a fire man came to visit me and my students I found myself attractive to him as he asked me if I was married i had no respond i just replied Im in a relationship. Feeling gulity that i should have said yes. now i have more men asking me out that i am put between working out this pain or moving on with someone and leaving the jerk who betrayed me and made me feel less than a women by sleeping around. I am so LOST I am in love but afraid and tempted.

Jewels from USA March 3, 2011 at 10:03 PM

Hello,
It’s very difficult to recover a marriage after the affair, especially since this happened when you were engaged. You can’t trust your husband, and even though the other girl confirmed everything, I wouldn’t necessarily allow her to tell you at this point when she was or it with him. What is the point of that, it’s almost like she is rubbing it in, so I think she can’t be trusted as well because she might exaggerate things. Sex after cheating is such a tough call, there are too many emotions going on to enjoy it, but you feel if you don’t do it, they might cheat. It’s not a fun place to be. Lastly, you mention offers from different men. I am assuming you are married now. You emotions are so all over the place, I typically don’t recommend getting another man in the mix. It sounds so tempting, especially after what he did, but it can complicate the situation greatly and you might end up feeling regret from that and anger from the affair, so essentially you would be adding more emotions to an already emotional situation. I feel that you should take some time to really figure out what you want to do next with the marriage, and that will direct you accordingly. Keep in touch.

Nessa March 19, 2011 at 5:44 PM

About a week ago I found out that my fiance had cheated on me almost a month ago!! I am 4 months pregnant and when I found out I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown he told me everything and it has been a nightmare!! We were already having a few problems so about a month ago I took a break to go and relax at my parents house for 2 days well come to find out he broke into my Facebook because he thought I was cheating on him!! He saw a message from what he thought was a guy and flipped but he didn’t call me to talk about it, he broke up with me on my Facebook when this was all going down I was at the hospital because I had started to spot and wanted to make sure the baby was ok.. I got home and checked my Facebook and was horrified that he would break up with via Facebook/email… It was late and I couldn’t get him on the phone so the next morning I went to see him and find out what he was talking about!! By the way he was the one always thinking I was cheating!! I went to our house and he wasn’t there so I went looking for him gave up and came back to the house when I got there he was home and we he confronted me about this I logged into my email and there was a message but not from a man it was some random message from a girl that I have never met not only that she was from a different country!! He had thought I had cheated while I was at my parents house!! We were getting ready to move to begin a fresh start and I just laughed it off I thought how ridiculous I flew out to the untied kingdom to hook up with a perfect stranger in one day not only that but I had hospital papers showing where I was!! We moved and everything seemed to going great if not better than before he told me was just scared to lose me and that he was also very scared to be a dad. The pregnancy was not planned but I was not going to get rid our baby I love my fiance and it was something that was made out of love also I have had doctors tell me I may never have children because I had cancer when I was 28 with all the chemo and radiation they thought it would be close to impossible so I saw this as a gift from God a miracle baby!! He didn’t see it that way and I thought with time he would come around!! So when we moved everything was great but I could tell something was off I just couldn’t put my finger on it!! He was not being distant or anything but he was acting as if he was hiding something…. I kept asking and asking if he needed to tell me something and he kept saying no and that I was being crazy I knew in my heart something was wrong and I didn’t like it so i pushed even further he was so sincere and it was making me mad and I would go off for know reason he would blame it on my hormones but one night i really lost it and the next day called my doctor and family to tell them I thought i needed help and that I was really losing it I was literally going crazy and he made me feel like it was all me!!! That night he came home drunk and I was beyond pissed while i was yelling at him he said come here and told me that when he thought we had broken up he had cheated on me with a ex girlfriend the night I was in the hospital he said he did it to get back at me because he thought I had cheated on him!! On top of everything this woman has Hep C and we just found that out a week ago!! He went to go get tested for everything and so have I and we are getting the results today!! The problem now is that I don’t want him touching me at all I still love him and want to work things out but I just get so upset that sexually I feel nothing we had amazing sex before and we were one of those couples that if you would have seen us on the street you would have wanted to get sick we were so in love!! How can I ever fell passion with him again!! He wore a condom thank god but that part of me just feels dead!! This should be such a happy time in my life!! I have decided to try and work things out with him but how will I ever get past this??? I want to feel his touch hugs kisses but it just makes me think of her!!! Will this ever get better!!

Jewels from USA March 20, 2011 at 11:38 PM

Hello Nessa,
Sorry to hear about your situation. What I am about to tell you is just my opinion, you know your full story so just take what I am about to say as my thoughts just from reading your story. A VERY common sign of a man cheating is when he accuses you of cheating. All the times where he was making you feel crazy for thinking something was strange, all the times where he was accusing you of cheating, something is up with that. The fact that he said he cheated when you went away because he thought you were cheating is something that in my heart I don’t buy. It’s almost like he is trying to figure out how to blame you for this, and his excuse is not a strong one. I personally believed he make the choice to cheat long before you went away, long before he logged into your facebook account. My husband played this same game of literally making me feel crazy because he was constantly looking for some way to say I was cheating. Your not having sex with me, your cheating, you didn’t answer the phone, your cheating. I can totally see how you can literally start to go insane!!

If your trying to work things out with your husband to be, that is fine, but I want you to really keep a couple of things in mind. First and most important thing right now is the health of your baby. Even if you get the results today, I would at least use a condom with him until the baby is born, and until you feel comfortable that he can be trusted. If he is really serious about this relationship, this should be a reasonable request. Second, cheating is a traumatic event. Learning about your finance getting Hep C is a traumatic event, and pregnancy is a traumatic event – anything that you can do at this point in order to not be so stressed, do it. That includes taking a break from sex. Again, if he is really serious, he should be supportive of your decision. You have every right to be uncomfortable having sex, and I know it’s hard to say no because you feel if you say no, then he might cheat. If you need a break from sex, and he goes out and cheats and says it’s because you were not ready to have sex again, he is probably someone that you don’t need to be with anyway.
At this point, you have to look our for you and your child. Third, you asked if it ever gets better, and I think it just depends of your situation and your fiance’s actions. If he continues to do some of the same things he did prior him telling you, then it will be difficult to feel better. On the other hand, if he is willing to be totally transparent with his cell phone, email, willing to stay in a bit more (not as many long nights out drinking), then I think you will have a much better shot at working things out. Best of luck, I am wishing the best for you.

Dee Dee June 20, 2011 at 7:24 AM

First let me say this. Stop bitching. If he is cheating and you don’t want it, leave. All this, “Oh but I love him” leads me to believe you like the dirty sex and feel guilty afterwards. This is all emotional abuse your accepting. I live alone, divorced and have a bf who I don’t trust but enjoy the sex anyway. let go of that, innocent -girly- feeling. All men stray. It is a biological thrill for them to release their seed into many women and keep the loyal ones, like yourselves, close by for immediate sexual release and nurturing. If you think your vagina is all he needs to feel good, you’re wrong. It’s the thrill of being with different women and having you give it to him that gets him going. The competition gets him off. And eventually you’ll be “broken in” and give into his demands and you too will be extremely sexual and orgasmic forgetting that he his many mistresses. Men fantasize about pleasing women, if he only has sex with you he would feel inadequate because he’ll always wonder if he could make other women feel just as good. And the more you try to be like a mommy and keep him from sex, he’ll do it even more. Ever had a man who gives you money, gives you children, makes sure you’re loved and satisfied sexually, emotionally and mentally? Well what about his needs? Men are not usually emotionally needy, but sexually and mentally driven. So let him do it. It’s sex. Not an emotional relationship. If he starts having an emotional relationship then be worried because chances are he’ll leave you. 9 times out of ten most men don’t divorce their wives. They only divorce them, if they cheat and fight them for not wanting him. if you like the sex and he isn’t degrading you he just wants you to accept it, he’ll love you more for accepting who he is. Stop trying to change him. This is the truth. I’ve learned to deal with it. I don’t physically cheat because I’m sexually satisfied. I however, emotionally cheat. I like emotional conversations with other men via internet. and with him, I prefer a sexual, materialistic relationship. I orgasm faster, better and harder that way. I believe love is real been there done that. But it hurts too much when trust is broken. We pretend to be loyal when our loins tell us we are still animals and need to thrive off of sex. So we play games with each other to win affection, money, attention whatever it cost to get ourselves “fed and satisfied” if he were to get married or something else, I honestly would still have sex because it feels good. We need to stop pretending we are not as sexual as men, because we are. I’m assuming most of you ladies are young and never really thought outside the box. If you’re that insecure during sex, he is going to see it and be driven to find women who are willing to be sexual and or willing to be “broken in”. It takes time, at first you may hurt riding on top or feeling weird when he performs cunnilingus on you after a year or two you’ll become accustomed to it and may even start to get really excited before he even begins. Just let it go. Become experienced, some women enjoy being cuckholds. They may be the one doing it and the man is submissive to it. This is the real world. None of this he loves me and I’m the only one. YEAH. in your dreams! just bond with him and he’ll bond with you. He likes sex with you too, otherwise he wouldn’t stick around. Your over emotional badgering is going to drive him to the brisk of insanity. Maybe because I’m bisexual it helps me to see how men think. Women who sleep with other men who are in a relationship know the feeling of wanting to be openly sexual they too, are dominating and enjoy it and are accepting of their role in the sexual world. So, will you always fight the inevitable and end up lonely and miserable with five kids by the time you’re 40?

Jewels from USA June 20, 2011 at 10:12 PM

Dee Dee,

Thanks for your input. I think you are trying to say, accept that men cheat, it’s a part of life, and instead of playing the ‘love’ game, play the game of have sex, do what you want, and if he cheat’s no big deal, maybe we should get a piece on the side as well??

I understand your perspective, and I also see that you have been hurt in the past, because you made the comment ‘But it hurts too much when trust is broken. ‘ So you know how that feels. It seems like whoever hurt you in the past really gave your a strong perspective about love and sex.

I am no longer with my husband, but a the time I wrote it, I was, and yes I was insecure concerning the marriage and sex. I am just being honest, did that cause him to stray, maybe, I think it’s a wimpy and easy excuse to cheat because he could of done alot of other things rather than cheat, but as you can tell from the site, most men like to go the cheating route. It’s maybe that is just how people are these days, when problems come up, dump the problem and get another one, until that one becomes a problem.

Another thing was that Dee Dee if this was an open relationship, where we had this agreement that he is going to do him, and I do me, but at the end of the day, we are together, I could see your perspective. But most men want you to sit up in the house all day with the kids, while they prance around town. It’s not right. If your going to play the relationship games, let us both play – don’t act like the loyal husband when your not. Why do they play the ‘your the only one’ game with us, knowing that they are cheating!

At the end of the day, I know your saying that we need to not let men do this to us by understanding men’s behavior’s, and I agree, we should be empowered, everyone is at a different place on that, and as long as we are learning and growing, that’s all that matters.

Lastly…….um stop bitching?? I don’t think anyone’s comments including mine are bitching. I call it being real. I say how I feel and if I am insecure about sex, I am going to write it because there are so many people out there going through hell (not just cheating, in general) because they are afraid to say how they feel because they don’t want people to judge or ridicule. I know I am not the perfect most confident women on earth, but what you will get from me is my raw feelings, if that’s bitching, then I will be that bitch…lol!!

Dee Dee June 21, 2011 at 6:17 AM

I apologize if I offended you. I just don’t want to see you hurting. I think we need to see reality here and know that men are not what we think they are. If we educated ourselves on mankind biology we would have a better understanding. In my opinion, I think we were “wired” at a young age to believe ‘sex is dirty’ and to ‘save yourself for marriage’ to hinder us from the truth of male sexuality. And to keep us in the power of men, to give ourselves over to them, to make us sexual to make them feel manly to fit their role as the domineering sex. It’s sick, I know But the truth nonetheless.

Jewels from USA June 22, 2011 at 9:03 PM

Thanks Dee Dee for explaining. I do see some truth in what you are saying, that we should feel more empowered, removing those ‘wired’ thoughts that are preventing us from being our true selves/natural selves. Thanks for your perspective.

NeiceeB July 2, 2011 at 8:32 PM

In reading DeeDee’s posts, I am curious as to women who are “tramps” in bed, meaning they do any and everything to please their mate, if it decreases incidents of sexual infidelity? I agree we are taught at an early age that sex is dirty and to be submissive which makes men feel more empowered and “king” of the bedroom. I’m wondering if there are women who did everything possible to please their mate sexually and it still didn’t matter because he cheated.

Hurt July 8, 2011 at 5:37 PM

A month ago I found out my husband slept with someone. We have been married 3 years, together for 9.5 yrs. We have a one year old son. He was away, and this person lives states away. He lied about it at first. After I took his phone and texted her, pretending to be him, and got her reply, did he admit it. I want it to work, I can’t picture being without him as I love him. We were rocky before, and I tried talking with him and he constantly reassured me we were fine, and we were just tired and busy with a new born. Before he left we got in a stupid fight. I told him we were done as an empty threat. While he was gone I texted him I was sorry and wanted him. This is when he said he thinks we should separate and slept with her. He bought a condom at a bar, took the bus ride home, then they texted each other and they met up and had sex. He said it was because he knew I couldn’t get over this, and that he thought I deserved better than him. He said he wanted a divorce, as we weren’t working, but couldn’t. separating for a bit is not a divorce. Apaprantly sleeping with someone knowing that was the worst thing he could do to me was easier than asking for a divorce. Some days I am fine, other days it hurts so much. Has anyone gotten through this? Should I stay with him if he wanted a divorce? Do cheaters ever not cheat again? Please send me your thoughts.

I unfortunately did tell his parents, my parents, and some friends, which I regret as I don’t know if I can get over the “I’m the girl who stayed with a cheater”

Jewels from USA July 8, 2011 at 11:59 PM

Hello,
Welcome to the site. After reading the post, it seems like your husband is really giving you signs that he does not want to be married anymore. I know it hurts and I know you said you want things to work out, but when a man tells you he slept with someone because it was easier than divorcing you, he is giving you some red flags. You really should dig deep and think about why you want to stay married when he is telling you he wants out. What is driving that motivation. Are you afraid of raising your child alone (I certainly was!), are you afraid of being alone. Something is causing you great fear because he is giving you some very strong signs and you still appear to want to stay with him. I personally would recommend that you look within in the next week or two. Have your husband watch your child for a few days, and go to the bookstore, take a walk, just think. Think about why you want to stay with him. In your time alone I think some things will pop up that will really cause you to evaluate the situation. As far as telling family and friends, don’t sweat it. I know secretly you might feel that way, but rarely will anyone bring it up, and if so, tell them that this is not the movies, this is real life, and in real life, major decisions in marriage take time, and that you are not going to rush into any decision, especially when there is a child involved. That should calm them down. I wish you best of luck.

-Jewels

Yep me too July 10, 2011 at 2:39 PM

My husband will not stop cheating , from perverted dating sites
to texts on his phone , to making a new email to get womens
pics on.
I have 3 and 2 yo and I gave up. We have no relationship at all.
I do not blame myself. I do not compare myself to other women.
If he is dumb enough to lose me that is his problem.
I am the best thing he has or will ever have and I know it. Just because
he wants to be a horny nasty mess just proves he is stupid and has
no self control. Not my issue his.
I am worth more than that.

Jewels from USA July 10, 2011 at 10:22 PM

Good attitude. Repeat offenders of cheating just don’t get it, and I am convinced if they keep cheating, there is nothing that a wife can do or say that can magically make him stop. Like you said, not your issue. As you can see from my original post, I didn’t have the confidence that you have now, but I eventually got there, it’s a much better place to be. Take Care!

hurtingbadly July 18, 2011 at 12:57 PM

I am new to the site but I cannot stop reading. I just found out that my husband cheated on me before we got married and while we were married has phone sexted her. Although we’ve only been married for 4 months, I feel as if I wouldn’t have married him if I knew this information . My marriage feels like it was all based on lies. And the sex- I have no sexual desire for him anymore. It’s not that I don’t get horny or that he’s bad, I just feel like I don’t enjoy it anymore because there is no emotion linked to the act. I don’t know whether to leave or not ( he’s deploying in sept) and i can’t make up my mind but thank you for your inspirational messages. It feels good to have someone else describe exactly how I’m feeling right now and that its going to be ok.

Jewels from USA July 19, 2011 at 12:13 AM

Thanks so much hurtingbadly for your support. I remember feeling very similar to how you feel. I was thinking, if you were messing around all this time, why did you decide to get married? I felt like everything was a lie, even life itself. The feelings you have around sex are common, sex made me feel so warm and safe. After the affair, I felt used up and dirty, like I now have a shared man, it wasn’t the same at all. And because it was so bad, I felt like the ‘other women’ won, and that make me feel even worse!!.

As far as whether or not to stay, take you time. Before he leaves take this time to observe his actions. Is he remorseful, is he still locking his phone up every chance he gets, or is he really trying to make things work. In September (or prior), I would really look into trying to see a therapist about the situation. The feelings about sex with him are not going to go away, and whether you decide to say your marriage or not, I think it would be beneficial to talk through those feelings with a professional. Lastly, thanks for your kind words about the site, it keeps me going, best of luck to you.

Blackrose September 12, 2011 at 11:23 PM

I have been married for 16 years in November and I have become a night drinker to deal with the reality of the affair. I got married real young after giving birth to our son. I try to do the right thing by my son and hav ebeen in hell since. I think my spouse cheated for the first year to two of our marriage and then he got out of the military and grew up, so I thought. He came clean to me when he was out of town and I forgave him and never thought about it again. Like three years ago, I interviened on a email from a girl he cheated with and it was completely inappropriate. I feel worst then I did in the beginning of our marriage. I have began to drink to deal with the fact that I am the fool in this. I tried pastorial counselling and this does not help. It kind of made it worst because it made me deal with the truth that he never loved me in the first place.

Jewels from USA September 13, 2011 at 4:51 PM

Hello Blackrose,

Welcome to the site, you are not alone. The second time around does hurt, for me it hurt because I felt like ‘he did this already, I should of known’, but if you tell yourself that everyday, it’s too hard on you. People say that everyone deserves a second chance, and that is what you did. Now it’s time to see what you want to do. I feel like the both of you made sacrifices for your son, and if it comes out that he never loved you, that is ok, at least you know now. My story is similar, in that I had a child first and then got married, and many times asked myself if he ever really loved me in the first place. But now, I realize we do the best we can with the information we have, and maybe he thought marriage was the best thing at the time. You can still recover from this and know of a peace and joy greater than you did in this marriage, it is possible. But before you get to that point, you have to make how you feel a priority. If taking a walk outside feels good to you – do it. If talking to your husband every night makes you feel depressed – dont do it. It is not worth the negative emotion. Try letting how you feel be your guide for the next couple of weeks and see what happens, make that number 1 priority. You the number one priority, not him because you can’t control him, and focusing on his actions are not going to benefit anyone. Are you in a position to get individual counseling (not pastoral, certified therapist)? I think that would be a good step in treating yourself first, doing something just for you to try and work through how you are feeling. I know you mentioned drinking, which is a way for you to suppress the pain, I get it, I really do. But sooner or later you might realize that is what it is doing, suppressing, but not getting rid of it. Once you start focusing on what feels good versus what upsets you, life will get better for you. Start to imagine what direction YOU would like to go from here (without a focus on your husband and son). The reason I say that is because you have neglected your needs for way too long, and it’s time for you to start imagining what you want for yourself. There is a wonderful road ahead of you, it’s just a matter of removing those clouds and dust that are preventing you from seeing your true potential. I hope things get better for you.

Lulu September 16, 2011 at 1:28 PM

In 2 weeks I will be married for 24 years. We haven’t had a very good marriage for about 2 years. We both weren’t kind to each other. He became grouchy. I became distant. So last year he decided that I had neglected him. That our 3 kids didn’t care if he was around. So he found a new companion. That is how he worded it. A new companion. They started going out on Saturday nights. And watching football on Sunday afternoons. At first I thought he had found male friends. But I was very wrong.

I found out quickly into their relationship when I looked at his cell phone. He didn’t charge it in the kitchen anymore. And hid it in the bedroom at other times. Till I found the phone and found the text “are you there”. Then it all hit the fan. I confronted him. He said they were just friends. But everything was very secretive. He became the master of deletion. I only would find a text at a time. But the phone bill didn’t lie. 1500 text a month to her. And finally he told me he loved two people very much.

Days later he said he made a decision to stay with his family. And for a couple months I was happy. I thought we were being kind to each other. Sex was happening regularly again. Then I looked at the phone bill. They hadn’t stopped texting each other at all. He was not happy that I didn’t like this. He said he stopped being her boyfriend. And he enjoys “talking” to her. I explain that I have a problem with him being best buddies with a woman he used to love. And he says I’m being too controlling and not letting him have friends. He has made it very clear he isn’t going to stop having her as his friend. He likes her. And he hasn’t stopped. At all.

He said that staying at home for 8 months shows that he is trustworthy. But I told him that his heart is elsewhere. And when I said he may as well just spend time with her again he took me up on the offer. It is football season again. And they spend Saturdays at the bar watching games. And Sundays at the bar watching games.

I can’t live like this. I have become a person I am not proud of anymore. I am no longer confident. I don’t trust him at all. Sex has stopped again. I don’t ask any personal questions because he thinks I am grilling him. The kids don’t like him. My kindness has become fake. Am I wrong to think this friendship is inappropriate?

I understand that this is his midlife crisis. But I’m not sure I can endure till the end of his crisis. As soon as I get a job that I can support myself and the kids I’m asking him to leave. He doesn’t realize what will be lost. Half our lives will be wasted. He will lose his kids. They are all teenagers and don’t have any sort of relationship with him. All so he can go out to the bars and have this best friend. Am I wrong to not want to continue like this? I’m very confused and afraid of the future.

Jewels from USA September 17, 2011 at 10:44 PM

Hello Lulu,
My heart goes out to you. Your husband is not realizing how painful this is for you. To have him say he wants to stay together, only to find out through a bill that he is still texting her? Sounds similar to my story, caught him, said he wanted to work things out, only for me to find out they never stopped seeing each other, horribly painful for me. Your husband might be in a mid-life crisis, but that is not an excuse to be disrespectful. I will tell you what typically happens in this case. You as the wife will not accept this blatant hurt, pain and disrespect. You will talk to a divorce lawyer and leave. Your husband will continue to play around with this lady, but once you leave, everything changes. See right now he has the best of both worlds, the fantasy women a few times a week, and the faithful housewife who keeps everything together. When you leave Lulu, your husband is going to expect this other women to step up or move in and do those things that you do, and it’s not going to happen, because she is not ‘housewife’ material. So then your husband wakes up and realizes what he has lost, and by that time your have moved out and actually enjoying your freedom. And your right, it’s sad because they don’t even realize what they are doing until it’s too late. Again, I don’t know you and your husband, so your case might be different, but that is how is sometimes plays out. And just my opinion, but I think they are more than just going to the bar if they are spending every weekend together. I do not think he is in love with her, I think he lusts for her, meaning he is in love with the fantasy, unfortunately, he doesn’t realize that is all that it is, fantasy, and reality is going to hit him sooner or later. He is almost leaving you in a position where you don’t have many options, he doesn’t want to talk about it, and he continues to see the girl, what does he want you to do? I know you don’t feel confident right now, once you leave, you will get it back. I think your confidence is shaken up because he is being so disrespectful and you are not use to this type of behavior. I wish you all the best in your journey.