Marital affairs come with so much hurt and pain. At the end of the day, you are left with a major decision, should I stay or leave my cheating husband?
It’s not a black and white type decision. It involves many different variables and sometimes I feel I think about it way too much. I mentally decided to leave. That doesn’t mean that sometimes I think about how divorce will impact my children and say to myself ‘Am I making the right move’?
I know I cannot be happy with my cheating husband anymore. Too many lies, too much infidelity, too much betrayal, I can’t go back.
Sometimes, I think, maybe I can just pretend like it never happened, and just raise my kids. But then I think, they won’t see mommy really happy, and what am I teaching my kids. If I stay in a miserable marriage, and I teaching them that being married is more important than being happy? If I leave, am I teaching them that when things get rough, up and leave?? This is SOOOO tough!! It’s the most painful and heartbreaking experience I have been though.
Stay strong ladies, we are in this together!
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{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
My husband and I have filed for divorce after he has had his second affair that I am aware of. I found he had been texting one before this one that I caught him with. He travels for a living, so I am sure there are more. Very heartbreaking, as we had many happy years and we were a close family. I have 2 boys, 12 and 9 years old, who are having a difficult time,especially the 12 year old. We have been together 23 years and married for 17 years. I am believing him to be a sexual sociopath, as he seems to not have any remorse. Both of these women have been married. His first affair was 2 years and this second one was 9 months. Makes me feel like a failure. Any advice out there?
Hello Carol,
You are not a failure, he cheated, you did nothing but be a devoted wife. Your husband is not remorseful, mine was not either, I think they put up this front because of pride because at the end of the day, yy husband eventually came around a little bit (meaning showed a LITTLE remorse), but at times he still says ‘I left the marriage, this is your fault, ect.ect.’….whatever. I realize that I will not put my self esteem in his hands anymore, because he will disappoint me. I know it’s tough for the kids. But realize they are watching you and they are learning many great lessons in strength from you. At this time, you can just teach them that life always changes, and nothing is constant. Teach them that their self worth and how they feel about themselves is the most important thing they should focus on, because everything else around them is subject to change. What a wonderful lesson to teach them so early in life. They will live much happier lives and trust me when they get older, they will understand and have alot of respect for you standing up for yourself, even though they might not understand now. As far as you, you have given them a good life, and just because you and your husband are not together, you will still continue to give them a good life. Best of luck to you.
I found out about a month ago that my husband has been having an affair for two years (this one started when i was 5months pregnant with our second child). I have been so torn between staying and going. We currently are living separate, but spend all of out time together. When it first happened he said he was telling me the truth and not lying, but it seems like every time i ask about the affair he changes the “facts” and today he finally admitted to being physical (previously he said it was all online and then to they just met once, etc). I want to be with him, but don’t want to damage my kids.
Our 5yr old knows that her father is cheating, had a girlfriend, and continues to lie to me. And despite all of that she still asks me take him back, she wants us to be together again and a family. I would love for that to happen, but cant even see how that will work. I am seeing a therapist to work on myself and working on regaining control of my own life, but still want that fairytale marriage/life. I want the 30 something, 50 something wedding anniversary and i want our daughter (and when he’s old enough, our son) to feel that together we made the best team to raise them (which we have been told from day one – we make an awesome team when it comes to parenting our kids, we work well off each other). Is it possible to teach them the right things to do if you don’t do them yourself? My parents did that to me all my life (bad examples through money, marriage, and responsibility) and yet i did learn through them that what they did was wrong and work very hard not to make their mistakes.
When it comes to spending time with my husband, i love it. Nothing makes me happier and i feel so guilty for that. I have not forgiven him and don’t see that as an option, but have learned from experience that accepting him for who he is only allows him to be bolder and take more risks when it comes to affairs. And to top it off, when we are together he is always saying how he loves me and wont do this again (he too is seeing a therapist, but he isn’t telling her the truth).
Everyone keeps telling me to do what i feel is right, but i don’t feel like they will support the decision i make if its not theirs. What do i do when my heart says it right to stay and my mind says it right to leave?
Hello Jamie,
Tough question, What do i do when my heart says it right to stay and my mind says it right to leave? But the question that we all go through. You mention that you love spending time with your husband, and if you still feel that way, even after the affair, good sign. You are both seeing therapist, which is good. I guess the question is how do you feel about he effort in marriage recovery. Do you feel that their has been progress made in rebuilding trust. Has he lied to you since finding out? These things are very critical in if you stay or leave a marriage. You mention your 5 year old knows, which is very interesting. I have a 5 year old, I decided to leave, and she wants us together. I think that no matter what your daughter knows, she is probably too young to understand the depth of cheating. All she is focused on is I want mommy and daddy to be together, that’s it. No matter what they know, it will probably always be that way.
Two more things, I know you want the fairytale, we all do, but after your husband has cheated, just realize that your marriage will never be the same. And you will never be the same as well. I say that because I don’t want you to shoot for that magical marriage that you had before. You marriage can end up better than it was prior, but it will never be the same, and if you try to reach back to that place, it will be disappointing. Instead, try to reach for a new place that you and your husband can establish. Eventually, one of your thoughts (towards staying or leaving ) will dominate.
Lastly, you mention that you ‘they’ will not support you if the decision you make is not ‘their’ choice. Well the good news is it is not ‘their’ life, and just as I am telling you my opinion based on what you told me, so if life. Meaning they can choose to not support you, but if they are your friends, you don’t need such friends, and if they are your family, yes they are opinionated, and they may not like your decision, but at the end of the day, if you really seriously are down and out, I am sure someone will step in and giving you the support that you need.
Just wanted to update you. The people i was worried about not supporting me have turned on me. I was still working on deciding if the marriage could be saved and if i could ever trust him enough again, when my father decided enough was enough. The children and i have been living with my parents and one day my father barraded me for hours (not only insulting me but my children as well) and only when he tried to strangle me did my mother step in to stop him. I had to make a hard decision very fast and have left my family (parents) behind and have moved in with my husband again. I feel like no matter what now i have to make this marriage work. The only upside is that we are getting full support from my in-laws and we continue to see out therapist together, where he is making efforts and understanding how he hurt me and what he can do to prevent it from happening again. I’m working on not being his mother but his lover. Thanks for the advise and being the only person to say it’s OK no matter what i do. It meant a lot to me and really helped to ease the anxiety of the whole situation.
Well my husband and I have been married for a year and some months. I found out like three months after we married that he has been texting a coworker. I was so heartbroken when I found out about because I thought we were doing well. I knew something was up because all of sudden he had two phones but his excuse for having to phones was because one had a bluetooth and the another didnt.(stupid excuse) Well on one night he was sleep in our son’s room so i went in to check on him. When I went in I saw the his phones laying beside him so I picked them up and begin to search through them cause I knew something wasn’t right. I came across texting messages from a woman at his job. They called each other “boo” and “baby” and evening talked about each other in a sexual way. So I when woke up I asked him about it. Well i didnt just asked I fuss, cried and acted the fool about it. And yall know what he did to me? He placed the blame on me. He told me I was wrong for looking through his phone, telling his mama about it , and evening asking him about it. He went on and on and on about how I was wrong. He made me feel like nothing, So after he promised to stop texting and talking to the woman. (That was a lie.) I found out while we were on vacation in Florida that he never stopped.(Ruined my vacation) I have asked him several times to stop but he seems as if he can’t. Recently I have went through his found that their telling each other that they love each other. (HEARTBEAKING) And that he even consults with her about our relationship. In one of the text messages tells her” that if things work out with my wife would you be mad at me” and “if it doesnt work with my wife can we be together”. (Oh i forgot to tell yall she just recently got married. like a month ago and this mess is still going on) Now we’re excepting our second son. I’m eight months pregnant and I ‘m faced with the decision rather to stay or go. I dont know what to do. I just recently found out that he been getting off of work early but not coming home. (He dont know i know this) I havent worked in months. I have a two year old, place to live, and money I have to think about. My self-esteem is so low. I cry myself to sleep at night. I really want him to change but I dont think he does. He has a loving wife, a wonderful son and another one way. He should be happy with us but he’s not. This is not what I thought my marriage would be like almost two years in it. Should I stay or should I go? Help me somebody cause I’m about to start planning to leave.
Hey Jazzy,
Hearing your story makes me sad. I am sorry that you are going through this while you are pregnant. No women should be dealing with infidelity while she is pregnant. I want you to understand that the decision to leave or stay is up to you. No one else can tell you whats right or wrong. Trust me that it won’t be easy. It will probably be one of the hardest decision that you will ever have to make. But just know that you can’t continue to stay in the limbo stage. Eventually your going to have to make it. You need to take care of yourself because that baby needs a healthy and happy mother. Believe it or not kids can feel when something is wrong. Their not stupid and your can’t hide nothing from them. I am leaving my husband in Jan. He’s a navy personal and he cheated on me with another service member. I told him I will not stick by his side if he decides to stay in the navy. Which he is so I am leaving with two of our kids. I will not stick by a man who can’t appreciate me and everything I do for the family. Overtime it does make your self-esteem very low and it makes you question yourself. You got to do what’s best for your and your child. And if that’s not being with him, than do it. You can love him so much until you can’t love no more. And if he can’t understand that and what you want in a marriage. Than he is not worthy to be in your present. Just know that you are not alone and there are a lot of women like myself on this site who are going through this too. I wish you the best and hopefully to will come to a decision that is best for you.
-Bebe
Hello Jazzy,
That story is similar to mine in some ways, I asked my husband to break it off with he and he couldn’t call her and do it in front of me (heartbreaking). I felt like he was more interested in protecting her than me, and I had a 2 year old at the time and one on the way, it was devastating, words don’t do it justice. And he blamed me as well because I would nag and he said I rejected him as a man. The problem with your husband is that he is caught up in the fantasy world that this woman is giving him (it’s not love it’s lust) and he hasn’t accepted responsibility for his actions, not good combo’s. My husband eventually came around and understood what he has done, but by the time that happened, it was too late, I was too hurt, too emotionally torn, I had nothing left to give the marriage. I think you have to look within yourself and think about next steps. You can not change him, but you can change your actions and cause an impact in him. For instance, once I made the decision to leave, he was no longer an important thought to me. I only talked to him when I had to. I made food for myself and the kids, I watched TV by myself. The focus was off of him and eventually he was like what’s going on? We talked, and even though I ended up leaving, we had some good discussions. If he is anything like my husband he will eventually regret what he did, might not ever tell you, but he will.
So well stated Bebe, I agree with you 100%%!!
Wow… Everytime i read ur articles i seem to feel a lil better, knowing that im NOT in this alone, Unfortunately. But u take the words right out if my mouth! U r such a stronger woman than i am! Just want to say thk u very much for doing what u do!
Thanks Yvette for your kinds words, I appreciate it!!
In July of last year my husband of 12 years and 3 children (6,4,2) began to act off. He began hiding his phone, not wanting to have sex anymore, just turned cold to our relationship. I looked at the phone records and he had spent 12 hours on the phone to one particular number. I confronted him and he said yes it was a woman, but they were just friends from work and he had helped her 0ut with a bad situation so they had talked alot. Since I had always trusted him I told him that he needed to stop talking to her and it would be okay.
Well it didn’t stop, and he began to lie about it. I found out in September that he had created a separate e-mail/messenger account just to talk to her so I would not find out about it. Again I confronted him and he said he would end it, he was so sorry, she was just a good friend and again since I had trusted him for 12 years I let it go. Things got worse though and I kept seeing her number on the phone bill, he changed his passwords to his accounts, he was texting all the time, basically had checked out of our family. I set up an appointment to see a couples therapist and the night before we went he got a call from her at 3 in the morning. I told him not to answer it if our relationship meant anything to him, but of course he did. I listened to some of their conversation without him knowing and heard things that made me think twice. I confronted him afterwards and he said he really liked her and wasn’t sure what he wanted. He still went to the therapist with me and admitted to an emotional affair with her. He told me that he was just trying to escape from the stress of our life together. Of course it is stressful, we have three small children, bills, work, etc! He wasn’t sure what he wanted to do.
This went on and on and on. He started to go on trips to be with his friends. On one such trip I called the hotel he was staying at and asked for her room and he answered the phone. He made up all sorts of stories about her not actually being there, she had just booked the room then had to cancel – still don’t know the truth about this one, but I asked him that night if he was in love with her and he said he was. The fighting went on, him telling me he was no longer in love with me, he was just staying with me for the kids and me telling him that was not enough that he had to make a decision. Chirstmas was the worst ever, I don’t even really remember it and that is so sad when three little kids were so excited about it. I was lucky my parents were here as a buffer so the kids were able to have fun with them.
It finally began to crumble after Christmas, I just kept at him one night and he told me he had slept with some other woman 4 years ago. I pretty much went insane and kicked him. He left and called her from his car, then came back home, but no apologies. The next day he told me he had lied about this because he was just angry at me for bugging him. He has stuck to this being a lie.
Two days ago he finally admitted to his affair with this friend at work. I was so angry and betrayed. He was apologetic at first but after a while of talking about it said he wasn’t actually sorry and that he loved her and was glad to have met her, she was the free-spirit that I wasn’t. Well, if I wasn’t a mom with three kids who is alone at least half of every month because of his job maybe I would be a free spirit too! I had already had an appointment with a lawyer to discuss legal separation and when I started writing the draft he changed his tune a little. He wanted to try to work things out, but I told him that in order for us to work this out he had to stop it with her. He said he couldn’t do that, he was in love with her, but he didn’t want to lose the kids. To make this overly long story short, we had planned to separate for a little to give him time to work through this. He promised while he was still under my roof he would not talk to her. Last night she called and he talked with her for an hour. I was so angry at him. He left for work today, but told me he was really sorry for what he did, that he would try to be a better person. He said he was not ready to recommit to our relationship yet, but was willing to go to couples counseling to see what would happen. I just don’t know, am I being stupid to try, he is a great Dad, and was a great husband until this. Do I give him the chance or just give him up?
Gracie, Your husband has to cut all ties with the OW for you two to work this out. If he can not do that then there is no chance for recovery. He has disrespected you right to your face by answer the phone after you told him not to.
Go ahead with the lawyer appt to see what you options are. It doesn’t hurt and that way you have something to fall back on. If he thinks your life is stressfull now just he waits tell all the legal stuff starts happening then he will be stressed.
Your not stupid for wanting to try again, we all have tried but both parties have to try not just you. Hang in there you can get through this.
Gracie, I am so sorry that you are having to live through this. LisaP is right he has to cut all ties-you will never be able to move forward in your relationship if the OW is always on the sidelines. The sad part about it all is that while he thinks she is a “free spirit” what she really is –is a fantasy (all affairs are) The life he sees or thinks he sees with her has no kids, no bills, no stress– NO REALITY. It happens to them all- my husband included- the affair wasn’t nearly as wonderful when he was faced with loosing it all. Just remember to put YOU first no matter what he does, if he isn’t willing to cut ties with the OW, get the help he needs to find out why he did this in the first place, and willing to commit to working on the marriage with you – then you are better off without him. Honestly, you are worth so much more than she is- never forget that- I will pray that he finds reality in the mess he has created before it is too late. Stay focused on YOU and what gives you peace in handling all your emotions-lean on the women here to stay sane and stable during the process– let him figure it out for himself-you can’t make him see it or do it- you can’t force him to work on the marriage or himself no matter how hard you try– so in the mean time focus on moving forward for yourself- see the attorney- set yourself up financially to stand on your own two feet (I saw the stock broker and had my husband sign over everything to me only 2 days after discovery), do what YOU need right now, find yourself again- not mom or wife — but Gracie– the woman– She is so important and worthy of being happy– get her to where she needs to be mentally, physically and emotionally. I promise when he sees that you aren’t focusing on him, or trying to get him back, but you are stronger and more self-confident than he ever imagined– he will think twice about his choices. Hang in there- I will be thinking about you. Peace and Blessings
I sit hear sobbing, a copmlete and utter emotional mess. How is it this burden has been passed onto me – the decision to alter the course of my children’s futures. He knew cheating was my bottom line, yet chose to cross it. Because he has said he wants to work on our marriage, he threw the ball in my court and heaped the burden on my shoulders! This man is an utter coward! Only a coward would so passively aggressively put the decision in someone else’s hands!
This is such BS! He wounds me beyond beleif and I’m left holding everything – the pain, the shattered dreams, the pieces of my soul that will never be whole again, the trauma of divorce for my kids and myself, choosing between self-respect and humility for my family! What kind of man does this! This is not a partner, this person is more like a terrorist! I can’t believe that people don’t think past their own damn sexual gratification to the infinite consiquenses of their actions.
I stand here holding this pile of sorrow. I didn’t choose to pick all this crap up, it was dumped on my head and as a motherly instinct I caught
it
carring his burden, Damn girl you nailed it on the head. They only think of themselves and their penis! Never the consequences of their actions. We are strong than we think and you can get threw this even if it to divorce him. The answer you seek will come to you when your not expecting it. Not sure how long its been for you but I went through this for almost 6months the first time and now 5yrs of trying to put it all back together. The last 6 months was his last affair all online but he wants to stay married as I do too some days but not all days. This question I put to myself daily is it would have been better for me if he just died than feel this hurt daily.
carring his burden,
welcome to the site, the predicament that we are put in is awful. It really is and I understand your pain and anger with getting this dumped on you, it’s an incredible burden. Just remember whatever you decide to do, that HE cheated, and whatever you decide will be a result of his actions, not your decision. Take your time in deciding, do some self-reflection first to try to understand what you are feeling. Take care, virtual hugs to you.